THE BAYLOR LARIET

© 2006, Baalor Unifarcity

holy l.a.r.p.s.what are these guys doing?!

see story, page 13

VoL. 83 no. 5 www.thenoZe.org

Tuesdaymarch

72006

MISSPELLING OUR OWN NAME SINCE 1900

idiot awareness weekgreeks be sure to wear your

Letters see story, page 9

LILLey ResIGNs aMIdsT sCaNdaL

By Ralph McGruder reporter

After a two-year,multi-national search andover 2,938,337 applica-tions,WeeklyWorldNewsannounced yesterday thatBaylor Unifarcity’s ownMaxeyParrishwillbetak-ingoverasitsnewestEdi-tor-In-Chief.

Parrish, chosen forhis journalistic integrity,turned in his resignationto the department headalmost immediately afterhearingthenews.

“We’ve been wait-ingforthisforalongtime,”said department headStephanieMacVeighwhenwefoundheratherhouseediting the First Amend-

mentinhersparetime.

Althoughhe’sneverwonaPulitzer,Parrishwillundoubtedlybeontheroadtoanominationwithinthenext few months becauseofhisnewposition.

Weekly WorldNews, made famous afterbreaking the “Batboyfound in cave” exclusive,has since sky-rocketed inboth popularity and pres-tige among the Americanpublic. Parrish plans tocontinuethattradition.

“It’s going to be atoughjob.WorldNewshasbroken some of the mostoutrageous and shockingstories in journalistic his-tory,” claimed Parrish.“They’re so incredibly

talented at getting exclu-sives on big stories thatit’salmostasiftheymakethem up. I’m just hopingnotthescrewuptoobad.”

Parrishhasalreadywrittenseveralarticles forthe paper. However, sev-eral senior staff membersarecringingatthethoughtofrunning“ParisHiltontohave alien baby” or “Manenjoys cookies, thanksmom” since they don’tseem representativeof thenormal levelof excellencefoundin thepaper. Luck-ily,Parrish’soldcolleaguesat Baylor are being sup-portive.

“So you mean totellmethathewillbewrit-ing an entire newspaperby himself every week?”

askedBobDarden.“Lookslike I’ll stillbemorepub-lishedthanheis.”

Sources claim that Par-rishgotthejobbecausehisapplicationstoodheadandshouldersabovetherest,andbecause his cousin owedhimafavor.Itappearsthatthe circumstances behindhis acceptance were alsofairlyunusual.

“I’m glad I didn’ttake the position onthe spot,” claimed Par-rish. “Oddly enough,almost immediately afterI hung up the phone, TheNew Yorker, Los Ange-les Times, and The WallStreet Journal all calledmeup–butthatwasjusttorenew my subscriptions.”

We at The Ropewish Parrish the best ofluck in his endeavors andsincerelyhopethathegetsalltherespecthedeserves.It must also be noted thatwe hope Paris Hilton sur-vives the impending vio-

lentCaesariansection,see-ingasthealienbabyisduebefore production wrapsuponNationalLampoon’sPledgeThis!,amoviewe’realldyingtosee.

NoZe Brother receives special

treatment

Maxey Parrish Tapped for Prestigious Publication Post

By Earl Bottletoes reporter

Af ter recentlyawakening from a yearlong coma, brought on byanoverdoseof jokes fromthe Power of Porn confer-ence, Bro. NoZeB-GYN(Satch!) suffered a severeaneurism.The fatalattackwas once again causedby an overdose of articleideas, this time spawnedfromtheresidentchaplain’sopen forum on sex called“Git’R’Done: The Chris-tianWay.”Wheninformedoftheupcomingevent,Bro.GYNwassooverwhelmedbythepotentialforhilaritythathiseyesrolledbackinhis head and he began tofoam at the mouth whileseizingonthefloor.

Afteraheartylaughabout the possibility fora “Salt ‘n Peppa” themedappearance,therestoftheNoble NoZe Brotherhood(Satch!) promptly rushed

NoZeB to the local hos-pital. Upon arrival at theemergency room, doctorsondutystatedthattheonlything that could help himwould be special treat-ment.

Upon hearing theprescribed treatment resi-dent nurse and all aroundsou r puss Stephan ieMacVeighmadeheroppo-sitiontotheprocedurewellknown.“TheNoZeBroth-er’s don’t deserve specialtreatment!” MacVeighwhiningly pouted, quitechildishly.

Despite receivingspecial treatment for hiscondition, Bro. NoZeB-GYN expired and waswhiskedawayonadragon-pulled chariot of fire totheshininggoldenhallsofValhalla.HewillbesorelymissedbytheNoZeBroth-erhood and the rest of theBaylorstudentbody.

right: parrish screams for joy over his new job. Left: batboy poses stoically for a yearbook photo.

File photo, Lariat staff

John Lilley: 64 days of history

By Donald Baker the associated press

Over the weekend,aslewofeventstookplacewhichsawtheriseofaccu-sations against the Presi-dentandthefallofJohnLil-leyfromoffice.Everythinghappenedsoquicklythatitmade this reporter lamentthathispublicationdoesn’tcome out until Tuesdaywhen readers have prob-ablyalreadyseenthenewsonChannel25.Imean,theleasttheLariatcoulddoisprint the weekend’s newson Monday when it still

matters.

The allegationsagainstthePresidentareofthe gravest in history, butThe Lariat was unable togetdetailsduetoamateur-ishnews-gatheringandfor-gettingpresspassesbackatmyapartment.

However, severalother news sources arereportingthattheBoardofRegents received word onFridayofseveralinstanceswherein President Lilleymadepublicclaimsthathewasthe“savioroftheuni-versity”andthathewould

takethereignsin“leading[Baylor]toitsrightfulplacein the [American univer-sity]hierarchy.”ThePresi-dent also reached out toseveralnon-Baptistgroupsand expressed interest ingivingthemofficialstatusasBaylororganizations.

ThesewereactsofheresyintheBoard’seyes.

Other, more reli-ablenewssourcesreportedthataphonecallwasmadeon Saturday from Boardof Regents Chair WillDavis to President LilleyinwhichDavisconfronted

LilleywiththeaccusationsandthenaskedwhatJesuswoulddo?

Lilley responded:“This is absurd. Thesecommentsarenoreasontoaskmetostepdown.”

However, an emer-gencymeetingoftheBoardof Regents was called togrill Lilley on his state-ments and quiz him onancientHebraic law.OnceLilley confessed to mak-ing the claims, the boardbrandedhimahereticandaskedforhisresignation.

The Board tried toridthemselvesofLilleybyasking the State of Texastoindicthim,buttheStateclaimed it was a private,religiousmatterthatshouldbedealtwithbytheBaylorCouncilofElders.

After some toughdecisionsandalastsupperwithhiswife in thePresi-dential Mansion, Lilleyoffered himself up will-ingly, tendering his resig-nationandbeingleddown5thstreetcarryingtheboxofthingsfromhisofficeallthewaytoI-35.

Some speculatethat with Lilley gone andUnderwood at Mercer,RobertSloanmaybeaskedtoreturntothePresidency.Mostagree that thismovewould force the Board ofRegents to second-guesstheir decision, and Lilleymay be asked to ascendback to the throne inapproximatelythreedays.

In a related story,campusmisspendingisstillup, administrative incom-petenceisontherise,andtheLariatwon’tbeabletoafford delivering its papernextsemester.ThankGod.

Day 1 – Lilley moves into his new home and sets up the grandfather clock in the living room, just like he likes it.

Day 12 – He finally decides to check out where his new office is supposed to be so he can meet his staff and figure out what he’s supposed to be doing. After a leisurely walk through the campus, he arrives at Pat Neff and greets his col-leagues with a hearty, Presbyterian hand-shake. Upon discovering that his office has a large television, Lilley engages in an important brain-storming session

with Provost Randall O’Brien over pop-corn and reruns of Three’s Company.

Day 14 – At the two week mark, Dr. Lil-ley has worn a lot of suits, shaken a lot of hands and almost seen three of the buildings on campus. Despite not having seen a student yet, Lilley plans a hunt-ing expedition to the local golf course to see if he can spot any. After not finding a single student, Lilley takes advantage of the situation and rounds up a tee-time for several potential donors who mistake the vain attempt at sucking the

money from their wallets in the name of Baylor for an honest, friendly bit of sport. Lilley loses by 3 strokes and cries over a Shirley Temple in the clubhouse.

Day 22 – The President reads the lat-est copy of the award-winning cam-pus newspaper The Rope in which he is lampooned for being elderly. After chuckling for a minute or two, he con-tinues the rest of his daily, 3-hour long bike ride through hill country.

Please see HISTORY, page 4

girls & clichés

Editorial Board not qualified to make

decisions

Editorial

In what turns out to be no sur-prisetoanyonewhoreadstheLar-iat, the Lariat Editorial Board hasdecidedtodaythatwearenotquali-fiedtomakeanyofthemanydeci-sions we’ve been heralding for thepasttwosemesters.Butcutussomeslack,it’snotliketheguysbeforeuswereanygoodeither.

However, somebody has to becosmopolitan enough to speakabouttheissueswithwhichBaylorandthenationcurrentlybattlewith,andwhilethat’snotus,we’veluckedoutonthisone.Sincewearealsoincharge of content management wecanputinanythingwewant.Well,almostanything.

But let’s be honest guys, justbecause we are not fully aware oftheworldaroundusdoesn’tmeanwecan’trespondtoanumberofgivensituations. It just means that we’relimited to printing totally biasedandunfoundededitorials,completewith irrelevant and tangental car-toons.Justbecauseweblindlytootourownhorndoesn’tgiveyou therighttodemandintegrityintheLar-iatoffice.

Besides, the Editorial Board is qualified. Just not inmakingdeci-sions and discussing real worldmatters. Little did you know, butKelly Coleman just qualified for ano-interestloanfromhercreditcardcompany.

On Point-Counter Point: Tuition Raises

I want to make a nameformyself.WhenyouthinkofJoshHorton,Iwantyoutothinkofme.

I know you’re askingyourself “Who is JoshHorton?” Let me put itthisway:IfIwereacandy,I’d be “Edit-M’s” exceptI’m not sweet, bite-sized,candy-coatedchocolates.

AsEditorof theLariat,Ihaveanimportantjobtodo.

Sometimes I wish Triv-ial Pursuit would have aneditingcategory,soIcouldgetatleastone(1)piepeacewhenIplay.

Sometimes when I’mediting I think to myself;I’llspicethingsupthistimeanduseasemi-colon.

OnedayIthinkI’lltakemyself down to the baitshop, go fishing and cookwhatIcatch.

Editingislikeaflower--wait,scratchthat.Editingislikeaboat.

When I take a walk intheparkIseeall thetreesandtheirneedforreword-ing.

Some people say thateditingdoesn’trequireanyskillsbutIliketothinkthateditingisinbetweenclean-linessandgodliness.

I don’t need to wearglasses, but I think I’llpickupapairbecausetheymakeyoulooksmart.Yeah,smart,that’stheticket!

Everyone always asksme how I style my hair –well,Idon’t.Ijustdon’t.

FormynextgreatpieceIthinkI’lllookoversomeother author’s work andbeproud that Icould turnthat ambiguous punctua-tion mark into more of acomma.

Some people say Bolo-gnaisacityinItaly,butIsay it is a river in Egypt.MyGodamIhungry!

Imayneverhitahome-run,butIalwaysswing.

Sometimes I like to gotothepressandgetblitzedhuffing toner. Then I edittheLariat.

Whoever invented thecheese-o-gram should behonored with a stamp.Now,someoneneedstodoit,andI’mjustthemanforthejob.

EditorinchiefJoshHor-ton is a senior journalismmajorfromLorena.

The Rope is d iv ine ly inspired by elmo, r. Leonard shoaf and all other subsidiaries thereof.

opinions expressed in The Rope are not necessarily those of the baalor administration, the baalor board of regents or the student publications board. in fact, they are merely the drunken ramblings of the noble noZe brotherhood (satch!), meant to be taken out of context and considered with a grain of salt and a shovel full of dirt over your shoulder.

the entire content of The Rope is the combined result of much t ime, much booze, and much ado about nothing. any comments, complaints, or constructive criticism should be sent to The Baylor Lariat, p.o. box 97330, waco, tX, 76798-7330 or e-mail Lariat@baylor.edu.

if you are st i l l reading this, i can only assume you are incredibly bored in class. do yourself a favor and do the mr. puZzle instead. i promise it ’s much more rewarding than reading this endless drivel. but hey, at least this isn’t a Lariat, right?

Editorial Bored

Elmopublisher

The elm moTT Rope

Bro. TheNoZeous Monkcunning linguist

Bro. Bush’s Krispy TacNoZe lorde mayor

Bro. NoZe Sequitur shekel keeper

Bro. NoZe, Table for 6 e-brother

Letters to the editor should be more than 300 words and have no real point to them. the Lariat reserves the right to poorly edit the letters and format them in such a way that you look like a complete and utter dolt. Letters should be e-mailed to Lariat_Letters@baylor.edu. but trust us, it’s not worth the wasted time to have them ruin it.

off the wall

tuesday, march 7, 2006the elm mott rope2 OPINION

Letters to the editor

Josh horton

offpoint

HERE IS A PLEASANT LITTLE GAME that will give you a message everyday. It ’s a numerical puzzle designed to spell out your fortune. Count the letters in your first name. Add the digit in the ten’s place and the one’s place together. Sub-tract five. Double your key number. Next multiply by sin²((1093.5*(2/3)0)^2/3 º - 51º ). After all of that you are going add 2*Σ (1/x) from x = 1 to infinity to solve the puzzle! Check your key numbers, left to right. Then read the message the letters under the checked figures give you.

©2006 by [I bet you are wondering how we did that - Oh Well®] and [Sometimes it is best to just give up – Oh Well®] Syndicates, Inc. World rights reserved.

7 7 7 7 7 T O D A Y 7 7 7 7 7 Y O U W I 7 7 7 7 7 L L W A S 7 7 7 7 7 T E T I M 7 7 7 7 7 E H E R E

OhWell®

<Generalized comparison

of women and sports>

<Failed attempt at misogynistic

joke>

<Exclamation of men and wom-en’s fundamen-tal differences>

<Recognition of loneliness due to girlfriend

leaving>

On Point: Tuition increases getting

out of hand

Didyouhearaboutthis? They are still rais-ing tuition. At thispointit just seems like a badjoke,exceptthepunchlinecostsandextrathreegranda semester. Howdo theyhonestlyexpectustokeep

payingforthis?

I know whatyou’resaying,“thetuitionincreases help to buildnew, high quality facili-

ties on campus, like thescience building.” Thatmaybetrue,butifIknewI was really paying for afifteen plus minute walkto my intro chem class, Iwould have reconsideredthat acceptance letter toA&M.

This tuition issueis especially discouragingbecause this is a Chris-tian university. They are

gouging me worse than aRomancenturion.Appar-entlywhen Jesuspaid theultimate price, he left outroom and board. And inall reality, they should bepayingmetolivewiththeguyIsplitaroomwith.

Let’s put it thisway, my thousand dol-lar president’s scholarship(which everyone gets bytheway)wasprobablyway

more helpful five yearsagowhentuitionwashalfas much. If only Oprahcould pay for all us. Iguessthere’snothingIcandoaboutitthough.AtleastI’ll be getting a degreefromawell-respected,tieroneuniversity.Ohwait!IforgottotransfertoUTmyfreshmanyear.

Johnson Fillibrauten is a Clear Lake Senior.

Counter Point: You don’t need college

Pshaw!College?Son,youhavetobekid-ding me. My pappyalwayssaidcollegeisforsuckers,butIwouldn’tlis-ten.Therealworld,that’swhere you want to be.Workingforaliving.

Just lookatme. IusedtogotoBaylor.That’sright Idid. Iused topay$22,000ayeartogohere.Butdigthis.Idroppedoutandgotmyselfajob.Now

they pay me $12,000 ayear to come here (andthat’sa12monthyear,notthat nancy boy 9 monthyear you live on). AndallIhavetodoisjanitor-ing.Yep,it’sasweetlife.Sure the smell of dormroomvomitstingsatfirst,

but after a few months itgetssweeterthanmyAuntBetty’swindowsillpeachcobbler.

Here’s another lit-tlenuggetoftruthforyou,school boy: degrees areprintedonpaper.PRINT-EDonpaper.Here’swhatyou do, save up 150 dol-lars,buyyourselfacopyofMicrosoftWordandBAM,yougotyourselfacollegedegree.That’swhatIdid.HowdoyouthinkIgottobe head assistant to thechiefofjanitors?

Put it this way,even if you do graduate,you’re probably going tohateyourjob,soyoumightas well quite school nowandgetaheadstartonlife.Onionpocketout!

Cleats Onionpocket is a discouragingly young jan-itor at a middle sized Prot-estant university.

Editor not responding promptlyI have a few pertinent

questionsfortheeditor:

Why don’t you writeback to us? When do wegettohearbackfromyou?Andwhydowewrite let-ters to you anyway whenyou never write back atall?

Issomethingthematter?Areyouick?Doclassesgot

you down? Can you tellme,orshouldyoutalkwithyourCL?

Is it work? Is it thatStephanie MacVeigh? Isit because the Lariat staffrewords,cuts,edits,reedits,andtripleeditseverythingI send you? Is the staffmessing with your outgo-ingmailtoo?

Doesitbotheryouthatsomeoneistamperingwithyourmail?

Why don’t you talk tome?! Why don’t you turnthem in? Did I alreadyask why don’t we everhearbackfromyou?Whyhaven’tyouturnedtheminyet?

Are you letting themretrieve your mail for youfromyourbox?Couldyoutryandgetyourownmailfrom now on, or do theynotletyou?Doyouthinksomeone tampers with

Santa’smailtoo?...becauseI’mprettysurehe’snotget-tingmylettersaswell.

Hmm... Maybe I didn’twrite the address correct-ly...orforgetthestamp?

Do you take me forsomeoneclumsyenoughtoaccidentally mail you, theeditor,mailthatwasmeantforSantaormycablecom-pany?...Haveyouseenmyelectricbill?

I’m almost certainthey’re keeping you heldhostage. Stay strong, ourprayersarewithyou.Don’tworry, God is watchingoverbothyouandSanta -we’resure.

BaylorUniversity Scholars

2006

P.S.. We are sendingsomeoneforyou,andwe’lltakecareofSantalater.

THE Daily Crossword Edited by S. Goldbergowitz

Mr. C. Word PuZzle sez: Come up with your own

questions! Then fill the answers in the spaces provided!

Johnson Fillibrauten

onpoint

Cleats onionpoCket

counterpoint

By Bruce Thistlecanreporter

An “embar rassed,humiliated, embarrassed,angry and embarrassed”faculty adviser for DeltaDelta Delta did not reporthazing as required byBaylor policy and statelaw, though several e-mails suggest it occurrednightly over the course ofmany weeks, culminatingin aweekend showcaseofsaidhideoushazingactsinfrontofaliveaudience.

“The rehearsals inpreparation for Sing haveplaced Delta Delta Deltain serious, Trebek-stylejeopardy,” Eleanor DorcusPond, founding memberof Tri-Delt, wrote in ane-mail from beyond thegrave. “Last night, I wastoldpointblank that theseevents will be reportedandthoseinvolvedwillbeheld accountable. When Iexplainedthattheneteffectof thatwouldbeALLOFUS covered in chocolatepudding, Iwas told‘sobeit.’

Pledges had begunreporting hazing to theUniversity as early as lastmonth. Jo Ann Sawyer, apledgingTriDelt,saidthatpledgeswerenotallowedtomissnightlySingpractices,eveniftheyinterferedwithschoolwork.

“Ihad like,14pagesofreligion reading to do,”shesaid.“Youcan’texpectmetofinishitwhenit’s11p.m.That’swhenMorkand

Mindyrerunscomeon.”

Otherreportsofthecon-ditionsweremuchharsher,saying thatmemberswerenotonlyforcedtoworkinsweatshops,butwerealsocoerced into performingfancyfootwork.

“I told themoverandover thatIcan’ttapdance,”Sarah Lindemansaid. “They justwouldn’t listen. Ifthis is how theydefine sisterhood,I don’t want anypart of it. Theypromised theyweredifferent!”

In addition, thepledges had towearself-defacingcostumes whichtheSingcoordina-tors decided uponwithout their con-sent. The subjectsthenhadtounder-gopublichumilia-tion, sporting thegaudy outfits onstage while danc-ing to cheesy70’smusic.

In an interview, Pondexplained that she did notreportthecoercedtraipsingbecauseshedidnotbelieveitwashazing.

“Inmyday,IhadtowalkallthewaytoTidwellfromCollins uphill both ways,inthesnow,inwoodencor-rectiveshoes,allthewhilefending off the myriadattacksofrabidsnowbad-

gers,” Pond said. “Suck itup. Why I’d be ecstatic ifI was forced to sing anddanceuponstageforhoursonend,likeamonkeyonastring.”

Baylor hazing policystates that hazing entails

more than physical risk.The official definitionincludes any activity “…that subjects the studentto extreme mental stressorshame.”Italsoincludes“anyotherformofgoodol’fashioned fun on the partof the group,” accordingtothestatelawandBaylorpolicy.

The Sing organizer

explained in an e-mail toDelta Delta Delta mem-bersthatthisyear’sperfor-mance was in a differentcontext than the previousperformances.

Due to Baylor censor-ship laws, we here at the

Lariat are not allowed todescribethepainfulevent.It can only be noted thatwhilenorainforestanimalswereharmedintheproduc-tion,severalofthepledgesappearedseverelyfatiguedafter the show, wheezingandoutofbreath.

Tr i-Delt membersreceived an e-mail fromPondfollowingtheperfor-

mance.

“As much as we prideourselvesinbeingthegreat,clean sorority, the fact ofthematteriswedopartici-pateinSing.Wehavenevertaken it overboard. Untillastnight.”

In an e-mailsent to Tri-Deltmembers, PondquotedJohn11:35– “Jesus wept.”She then wentontosaythatthemembers werea bunch of crybabies.

As a result ofthehazingcharg-esbroughtagainstthem,TriDelthasbeen reprimand-edbytheStudentJudicial AffairsBoa rd . T heBoard,inadditiontohavingnoideahow to do theirjobs, sentencedTriDelttoremainon campus forthreesemesters.

Despite all ofthe humiliation,

Delta Delta Delta did notwinamedalfortheirSingperformance, regardlessof having the best title:“Shout, Shout, Let it AllOut(ThesearethethingsIcandowithoutc’mon.I’mtalkin’toyou,c’mon).”

“I guess ‘Tears forFears’ medleys don’t gooveraswellastheydidin1986,”saidtreasurerLeslieEdwards.

tuesday, march 7, 2006 the elm mott rope 3NEWS

bear brieFsTri Delt Faces Hazing ChargesBaylor University Fundamen-talist Society will be hosting a 1st century hebrew/greek lit-erature (king James Version) seminar from 4 to 6 p.m. on thursday in the barfield draw-ing room.

Baylor Full Contact Chess Team will be holding a recruit-ment fair for students inter-ested in joining this Friday. curious students should come to draper 312. bring your own shovel.

The Anarchist Interior Design Club is hosting their annual mixer tomorrow at 4 p.m., although it doesn’t really matter what time you show up, as long as you’re fashionably late.

Interim-Interim President John M. Lilley will host a ques-tion-dodging seminar soon. come learn from the master, and avoid being straight-for-ward with coworkers and wives. note: dr. Lilley may or may not attend.

Administrators will be flocking to mercer and into the sweet, open arms of bill underwood, practically flinging their resig-nations from afar. snacks will be served. regan ramsower will cackle evilly from the back of the room and consider it his keynote speech.

Someone is reading this over your shoulder right now.

Baylor Chamberpots will be hosting their infamous “pit skit” thursday, February 9th at midnight. this week’s theme is “don’t pit on me”, an historical drama about the brave men who fought and died at bunker hill under the gadsden Flag to secure the liberty of the ameri-can colonies, retold by cham-ber with cheesily, obvious one-liners and awkwardly enunciat-ed voice-overs. several poorly thought-out tri-delt jokes will also make an appearance.

TheNoZe.org will continue to exist for your to peruse and enjoy. must be present to win raffle.

Clay Potviet cuisine

Poppa Rollo’sPizza Pie Parlor

Ph:254.756.2721 920K.H.KultgenFwy. Ph:254.776.6776 703N.ValleyMills

Monday Tuesday $1.25 Long necks $3.00 Half Pitchers

Don’tfaketheAsian,cometoClayPotforsomeaunthenticity.

Left: tri delt pledges during rigorous hazing. above right: already bruised pledges are forced to fight batman during sing rehersals. below right: tri delt heather abbe in typi-cal position.

thomas ball/Lariat staff

“You’reright,Ned,thisISagreatcrushshirt.ButyouknowBaylor’snewrule.”

Can’tuseparodylogosforcrushshirtsanymore?That’sokay,cometoBearCotton,we’vegot

moretricksupoursleeves.

Ph:254.296.0095 1121SpeightAve

Needaplaceforyourantiquepoloclubtomeet?Rollo’shasplentyofroomsthatcan

accomodateforanygroup.

tuesday, march 7, 2006the elm mott rope4 MORE NEWS

Full length article demoted to brief ‘My location alone is proof this won’t last,’ Article states

Common Grounds CoffeeBeanery

Bankston’scards, collectables and miscellany

Ph:254.757.2957 1123S.8thSt. Ph:254.755.0070 1321S.ValleyMills

By Jerry Hardbottomreporter

Poised to make itsthird appearance in justas many ropes, the “Hey!JohnLilleyisOld!”articlewas shocked today whenit was officially demotedtoabriefbyCunningLin-guist TheNoZeous Monk(Satch!) Though manybelieved there were a fewmorejokestobebeatenoutof the old horse, TheNo-Zeous, who rules with anoatmealfist,stoodfirminhisdecision.

Monkwasheardtocomment, “We’re still onthis?Igetit. He’sold!Imean,Ithoughtweputthisone to bed at this year’sUnRush.Writingthisarti-cle over and over again isfrankly just getting old,forgivethepun.”

While poking funat Baylor presidents is theofficial past time of theNoble NoZe Brotherhood(Satch!), theCunningLin-guist believes that pagespace could be used formore productive subjectmatter, suchas aFIJIgay

jokes or a Poppa Rollo’ssausageads.

When asked tobelayhissideofthestory,thearticleread,“[Ideservetomakemy] thirdappear-anceinjustasmanyRopes.Hey,JohnLilleyisold[andpeopleneedtoknowthis].[He says I’m not funny?]Bro. TheNoZeous Monk… [has] few … jokes …[and should] be beaten …[like an] old horse!” Thearticle went on to say, “[Ithink the Rope needs meanyways. It would be a]more productive subject

matter. [What I’m get-ting at is,] FIJI gay jokesandPoppaRollo’ssausageads…overandoveragain[are] frankly just gettingold,forgivethepun.”

Despitethearticle’sconfusing,yetoh-socleveruseofinternalquotation,itwouldappearthedemotionwillstick.However,recentdevelopments in the arti-cle’s length have bumpedit from the briefs page uptositwithotherfull-lengtharticles.

Duetothismove,

despite ongoing brief sta-tus, the article once againcommentedonandwithinitself.

“Thisguy[TheNo-Zeous] has to be kiddingme.Whydoeshekeepliv-ingthischarade?Iamnolonger a brief! Just lookatme,I’mover350wordsat this point; a brief isonlyabout200words.Bynumbersalone, I’mafull-length article. If he wanttoeditmedownandmovemebacktopage9withtheother‘shorties’,that’sfine,there’s nothing I can do

about that. But, to leavemehereonpagefourandstill call me a brief, that’sjustpetty!”

When asked torespondtothearticle’slat-estrant,Bro.TheNoZeoussighed,“ForElmo’ssake,Idon’thavetimeforthisnow.It’s4:26andtheRope’sduein6hours.”

Inrelatednews,theCunning Linguist cut offthearticleduringit’sdrunk-entirade,totheenthusiasmofreaderseverywhere.

By Percy Wagglesbottom reporter

WACO, TX -TodayBaylorStudentCon-gressman, and Chair ofthe Finance Committee,Michael “The Everyman”Khaleq was charged withstudent treason when itwasdiscoveredthathehadbeen selling the secretsofBaylorstudentgovernmentto foreign student agen-cies.

W hen federalstudent agents searchedKhaleq’sapartmentyester-daybywayoftheStudentPatriot Act, they foundcopiesofeverybillpassedby student governmentthis year, as well as plansfor a student government

banner, which the agentsbelieved he was trying tosell to other student gov-ernmentslackingthetech-nologytomakebannersoftheirown.

Su spic ion ofKhaleq’ssecretagendahadbeenmountingforthepastyearashemadenumerousattempts at advancementwithinstudentgovernment,placinghiminapositiontoaccess thestudentgovern-ment’sdarkestsecrets.

Over the course ofthecurrentschoolyearvar-ious important items havegonemissing,suchasMarkLaymon’s veto stamp andLuke“SweetAction”Bak-er’spersonalstockofsupersecret student government

pomade.Allsignspointedto “Average Joe” Khaleqwhen the aforementioneditemsturneduponE-Bay,beingsoldbyanindividualwiththeusername:room-tempwaterguy481.

Despite Khaleq’soutward veneer of inno-cent,run-of-the-mill,noth-ing-special-in-anywaystu-dent,manyofstudentcon-gress’othermembersclaimtohavebeenontohimfromthestart.O&PchairThom-asHerndonwasquotedassaying, “Personally I havenever trusted theguy. Hehas always seemed to rubmethewrongway.It’snotso much that he doesn’tseem to fit the Baylormold, but the fact that hecouldfitanymold.Almost

asifheisindistinguishablefromotherpeopleineveryrespect.” Herndon wenton to say, “I’m not tryingto imply anything, but ifKhaleq visited Israel, hewouldn’tmakestopsattheWailingWallortheChurchof the Holy Sepulcher, ifyou know what I mean.BoydoIlovemesomeBar-B-Q.”

When foreign stu-dent governments startedimplementing programsfirst conceived at Baylor,the hunt for the studenttraitorreallygotunderway.Both A&M and UT’s stu-dent congresses allocatedmoney to their local fra-ternitiesforvariousevents.The investigation turnedinward to congress itself,

because only someone intheknowcouldgainaccessto such deeply guardedsecrets.

When asked toconfirmthepreviousstate-ments,InternalVicePresi-dent Scott Beggs replied,“You idiots, our bills andprogramsarepublicrecord.Anyone who wanted tocould access them on theinternet or just come sitin on a congress meeting.Besides, allocating moneyto events is somethingevery student congressdoes. And even if whatwe do in student govern-mentwereasecret,doyouthink Michael “FlavorlessIceMilk”Khaleqwouldbecapable of pulling such acomplicatedschemeoff?”

Afterstudentfeder-alenforcementagentswereinformed of the ridicu-lousnatureofthechargersbrought against Khaleq,theyreluctantlyreleasedtheever-so-typical congress-man from custody. Uponhis release Khaleq stated,in a monotonous voice,“I’mgoingtogohomeandcelebratewithabigbowlofsteamedwhiterice.”

In related newsSMU will be having aspecial ice day the weekbefore their spring break.WhennewsofthisreachedBaylor, John Nicholsonwaskickedoutofchamberand charged with treasonbyChamberCIA.

Student congressman charged with selling secrets to foreign student governments

NeedsomethingtowakeyouupafteralongSingperformance?

CometoCommonGrounds.

HISTORY from page 1

Feelingparched,hesprints5milesfromthePresiden-tial house to Floyd Caseystadium for a round ofbitters and soda. Tragedystrikes,however,inminute48 of his Pilates sessionwhenLarryBrumley,whohas been by his side theentire day collapses fromdehydration-exhaustionandis forced toresignhispostinshame.

Day 25 – The fruits ofhis brainstorming/Three’sCompanywatchingsessionpayoffwhenheannouncestheradicalnewpolicyofnotallowingmalestolivewithfemales in campus facili-ties unless the males pre-tendtobegayandengagein hilarious antics on aweeklybasisduringprimetime. After a moment ofsilence for Don Knotts,Lilleygoesbackto takinganaptoprepareforaplane

triptoagolfcourseseveralthousandmilesaway.

Day 30 –Astudentalleg-edly spots Lilley at a Dr.Pepper Hour listeningintensivelytostudentcon-cerns and giving genuinefeedback in response totheir needs, but it turnsouttobeawanderingjani-tor taking a break fromcleaningBarfieldDrawingRoom.Lilleyturnsuplaterintheafternoontoconfirmthathe’sbeentakinganapand practicing his hand-shakeallday.

Day 39 – A day that willliveininfamy.Lilleymakesa bold an unprecedentedstatement on diversitywhen he announces thathe’shiredtwomiddle-agedwhitementofilltwosemi-important positions in theadministrative echelon.Campusisstunnedathow

liberalandprogressivethenew President’s policiesaresomuchsothatseveralof his supporters begin tofalter. The Young Conser-vativesofTexascallhimacommunist, while severalof the less-conservativeprofessors rejoice in hisfreshperspectiveonhiring.However, jaws droppedevenlowerwhenLilleycon-tinuedhiscallfordiversityin the administration bypassing over Dub Oliver,perhapstheonlypersoninthe administration who’snot completely incompe-tent, for the post of VicePresident of Student Life.Lilleydelivered thewordsthat will forever be takenoutofcontextlaterthatdayin a press conference: “IjustwishDubwouldthrowonadressonceinawhile.Youknow, to spice thingsup.”

Day 40 – Lilley is forcedto recant his “Dub” state-ment after pressure fromthe Lariat editorial board.He explains that his com-

ment was not meant toimply that more womenshouldbeintheworkplace– specifically in Bayloradministration – but that

Dubshouldtryonadressonceinawhiletobringouthisstrikingblueeyes.

Day 43 – Valentine’sDay

Day 60 – Lilley almostcollapses at a Board ofRegent’s meeting whenhis top aide whispers intohisear that theUniversitystill has overwhelmingacademic, financial andreligious problems to dealwith.Facedwiththegrav-ity of his situation, Lil-ley composes himself andimmediately goes back tothecomfortofhis5o’clockteetime.

Day 62 – Lilley resignsunder mysterious cir-cumstances mentionedthroughouttheleadarticleintoday’sTheLariet.Moststudents fail to notice anyreal difference in theirdailylives.

above: tragedy in rayonFile photo, Lariat staff

“SeeMartha,issue38,HalJordanisstilltheGreenLantern.KyleRaynerdoesn’ttakeoveruntilissue50!”

CometoBankston’stocheckyourfacts.

By Theodore Brownreporter

You would wontedlyenvisage a compositionsubsuming of dispatch.But not scuttlebutt conge-nerous to these. Theodore“Thesaurus” Brown, afreshman Lariat Journal-ist, has been arraigned ofexploitingalexiconand/orMerriam-Webster’s ‘Wordof the Day’ ministration,a circadian online cor-respondence that doles

the stalwart with a gratisdelineation, to adumbratethe prosaic intercourse ofBaylor into resemblinga more melodramatic, ordramaturgical,campus.

Josh Horton, theLariateditorandall-aroundbuzz-kill, initially dis-cernedsmatteringsofsuchapredicamentwhenBrowneschewed from diligence,averring he did not wieldavenuetohisonlinecorre-spondence or a lexicon ofsomesort,whichwouldbe

apalpabletelltale,toopinetheinfinitesimal.

“He would carpover the privation of ‘req-uisites’,” Horton said.“Primitively,Iattestedthatthereportersbecomeaccli-matedwiththeabridgementof transpirations, affairs,orshtick,butIindubitablymisconstrued his whin-ing..”

Regardless, Brownabjures such imputations,alleging that his colloqui-

alism isprodigious,willy-nilly.

“I’ve frequentlyhallowedneotericandpal-atable grandiloquence,”Brownsaid.“Yes,Iacqui-esce that I do procure the‘Word of the Day’, but Ihave been cognizant to apredominantsumofdelim-itationserstwhile.”

Brown reckons theindictments are the corol-lary of malcontentmentsapropos of his stupefying

virtuosityoverlingo.

“Iamnotsavvytothe inception of this ran-cor,butIwouldparlaythatthe pedagogues, contem-poraries,andplausiblymyassemblage,areenviousofmy cerebration and acu-men,”Brownsaid.

ButHortonsaysthewriters are dictated to beidiosyncratic and candid,and that Brown alienatesthe patrons in belletris-tic discourse and found-

ers when correspondingthe tidings at metacarpus,howeverbanalitmaybe.

“Youmayremitmebigheaded,haughty,smug,sneering,narcissistic, self-absorbed, vainglorious,whatever; I’m still goingto pizzazz my writing.”Brownsaid.“Copulateyouguys.”

Lariat journalist consults Merriam-Webster’s ‘Word of the Day’ to launder his wanting mellifluous parlance

tuesday, march 7, 2006 the elm mott rope 5STILL NEWS

By Reporterentertainment reporter

Theatre lovers,your faithful entertain-menteditorisbacktosteeryou away from BaylorTheatre’s latest monstros-ity. Trust me, instead ofpaying for admission, youshouldtakeyourselfdowntothelocalhardwarestoreandbuyeightdollarsworthofrustynailstostabyour-self with. It’ll be cheaperandyoumightactuallygetalaughortwo.

But hold on! It’snotallbad.Thefirstthreeminutesorsobeginsflaw-lesslyasDotty(HaleyPhil-lips)talksonthephoneinadelightfulCockneyaccent.

Itgoesdownhillfromthere–Idon’tevenknowwheretostart.

First of all, thedirectorstartsyellingathisactors. During the show!Someone shouldhave toldhimtoleavehisnotesbackat the tech rehearsal! Andto make matters worse,actors pour onto the stageandstartaskinghimwhattheir lines are and whenthey’re supposed to comeon. Hello! You’ve got anaudience to entertain! Idon’tknowaboutyou,butIlikemytheatreprofession-al,andproperlyrehearsed.Ican’tbelievethesepeopleexpect to get jobs aftergraduation without tak-ing their major seriously.I guess the world does

needmorewaitersthough. Iwantedtowalkouton the whole tragedy, butmorbid curiosity kept meinmyseat,andthesecondact blew my mind. Theyput up the set backward,and you could see all theactorsbackstage.Andtheyweren’tjustmullingaroundpracticing their lines andwaitingtocomeout.Theywerefightinglikecatsanddogs,anddoingalotofun-Baylor-likestuff.Drinkingalcohol. Kissing. One ofthe actresses (Misty Fos-ter)evenstrippeddowntoherbraandpanties.Gosh,I can’t even believe I justtyped that word. Panties.It’ssoungodly.

Hold the phone!Didtheyevenrealizethey

weren’t performing infront of an audience? Didtheactors“backstage”notfeel the awkward glare ofhundredsofaudienceeyeson them while they werefighting?Ican’tevenfath-omhow the showgot thisbad.Let’sjustsay,thiswasone show that shouldn’thavegoneon.

Should I botherwiththethirdact?Forthesake of my grade in myJOU2873class,Imightaswell.Sobasically,thepros:they got the stage turnedback the right way, thecons:theywerestilldoingthatdamnfirstact.Didnooneexplaintothesepeoplethat doing the same actthree times doesn’t countas a three act play? And

youthinktheywouldhavegotten it rightbythe thirdtime around, but this onewastheworstyet.Missinglines,lostprops,adlibbing.Towardstheend,thesamecharacter came onto setthree times over. Maybethis is what the flyer wastalkingaboutwhenitmen-tionedfarce,becauseIsawitnowhereelsethroughouttheplay. All I sawwasabunchofsecondrate,wan-nabe actors ruining whatcould have been a veryfunnyplay.

Here me out folks,Ican’tevenwrapmymindaround how bad this playwas.Ijustdon’tgetit.

I know these kidsaresupposedtobelearning

howtoact,buttheirprofes-sors should give them thesame grade as this hap-hazardly performed playdeserves: F minus minusminus (and that’s beinggenerous!)

Noises Off! RunsfromSeptember17th-25th2005andcosts12dollars,but don’t bother. Also, Iapologizeforbeingsolatewiththisreviewandforoureditorrunningit,butIhadalotofhomeworkandI’mhaving some girl troublesand I’m not really seriousabout being a journalistwhen I growup.But any-way, hit up Big Momma’sHouse 2. It’s got Oscarwrittenalloverit!

‘Noises Off!’ should never be turned back on!

Lifehorrendouslyboring?PerkupattheCoffeeHouse!

The Coffee House

Christian family owned and operated

501N.RobinsonDr.Robinson,Texas76706

254.662.0400Proverbs3:5-6

above: chet edwards expains the issues in black and white terms

File photo, Lariat staff

Somepeople thinkallDemocrats are lazy, closet-communist, atheists who arenever content with the waythings are. Lies! We don’thatethewaythingsare–eventhoughAmericaisacesspoolof inequality. Republicanswould have you believe thatDemocrats, like myself, hatethings.Thissimplyisnottrue.I don’t hate things, I am justnotstupid,andknowthecor-rectwaytothink.Letmeclearthingsupforyousome.

It’snotthatIhaterichpeople. I am one. I just feelguilty about being in a roomwith so many of them whenthere are so many less-fortu-natesoulsouttherewhodon’tget invited tococktailpartiesat the Governor’s mansion.But,atleastIhavecompassionunlike Republicans. I guessthedaytheywerehandingoutheartless cruelty I was busyvoting for a President whodidn’trideonhiscoattailsallthewaytotheWhiteHouse..

It’s not that I hatethe War in Iraq. I just don’town stock in Lockheed Mar-tin. I have to keep up theact, though, because I doown stock in several pick-et-sign making companies. It’s not that I hateNationalSecurity.Ijustthinkupholding the sanctity of a200yearoldidealproposedbyan alcoholic postmaster whoflewkitesinthethunderstormis better than making surethat human lives aren’t lost. It’s not that I hatesocialism.It’sjustthatIloveit!

It’s not that I hate allRepublicans.Ijustdon’thaveanyideasofmyown,soIneedto bash something. I can’t beexpectedtowastetimeformu-latingaplantofixalltheprob-lems with the country that Iwhineaboutwhenthere’sRushLimbaugh fat jokes to make.

Some people say thatwe Republicans are a bunchofstodgy,richwhitemenwhodon’t like change. Fact: thatisnot true. Just lookatAlanKeyes. He went crowd-surf-ingonceduringtheprimaries.Who’sstodgynow?!?!ButnowI’m getting off topic. Demo-crats would have you believethat Republicans, like myself,hatethings.Thissimplyisnottrue.Idon’thatethings,Iamjust not stupid, and know thecorrectway to think. Letmeclearthingsupforyousome.

It’snotthatIhatepoorpeople.Ijustdon’twantthemto touch me and give me thepoorvirus. Iknowthere isavaccine, but I never got one.Iwasbusyvotingforapresi-dent that didn’t perjure him-self in front of a high court. It’snotthatIhatefreemedicalcare.Ijustthinkthatsince I worked hard to earnmy money, I deserve bettertreatment.And,therearerich

suckers out there that will doitforthegovernmentanyway.What do you think the Ron-ald McDonald House is? It’snot where the Fry Guys live,I made that mistake already. It’s not that I hatepeace. I just know that warmakerichpeoplericher.And,as a Republican, I am rich. It’snotthatIhatecan-cer patients. I just happen toknowthatTobaccocompaniesbuythebiggestenvelopes.Theverysameenvelopestheycramwith money and give to me. It’s not that I hate lib-erals.Ijustthinkthattheidi-ots should leave governmenttopeoplewithgoodheadsontheir shoulders, not crammeduptheirrear.

Why I am DemocratByChetEdwards

Why I am RepublicanByChetEdwards

Holy Law # 48hourswithoutsleep,2car-toonsofcigarettesandanemptybeerfridgemeansthepaperisfinallydone. Satchel on!

tuesday, march 7, 2006the elm mott rope6 ENTERTAINMENT

What famous Baylor icon are you?Directions:StartinUpperLeft,ifanswerisyesmoveoneboxtotheright,andiftheanswerisnomoveoneboxdown.Ifanswerisotherwise,youarethinkingoutsidethebox.Unfortunately,thisisaboxthing,andthatkindofthinkingwillgetyounowhere.Magic8Ballsarenotallowed,butcalculatorsare.Youhave15minutes.Begin.

Areyouaheretic? Alcoholicor

drugabuser?Hilarious?

Haveyoueverbeenkid-nappedbymaskedmentobeheldinacellwithnolightandforcedto

pickwhatorganyouarewillingtosacrificefor

freedom?

NoZeMansion

YouareeitheraNoZebrother,aNeophyteor

astraightupliar.Inanycase,welikeyou.

Goodforyou,butdoesGod

loveyou?

Protestant,huh?

Butwillyoupayforyourfriend’s

alcoholorfriendship

forthatmatter?

InaFratorSorority?

AreyouinROTCandmistakenly

thoughtthehazinginArnold’smadeit

afrat?

JudgeBaylor

Yourstoicismisadmira-ble,andpeopleliketositinyourlapafterChapel

getsout.

Catholic,eh?Areyoua

cynic?

Youarelyingbecauseyou’re

notproudofyourGreekletters,

aren’tyou?

InanyGreekorganizationotherthanADPi,KD,

SigmaNu,orBeta?

SLCThecalorieisyourenemy,

defeatitandthelackofsubstanceinyourmajor

won’tmatter.

You’relying,aren’tyou?

Honestygotyouwhereyouare

now,wanttostoptellingthetruth?

Willingtostartlyingto

coveryourinadequacy?

WillingtoadmityouareinoneoftheaboveGreekorganizations?

BSBYouarelikethebuilding;peoplehavetogooutoftheirwaytoseeyou,andnothingisreallygoingon

upstairs.

Justlikebeingnegative? Butwillyoustop

tellingthetruthifyouhaveto? Inanyschool

organizations?AreyouinCham-ber,STUFU,anyformofstudentgovernment,or

otherwiseatoolofTheMan?

SonotatoolofTheMan,areyouatoolof

theLord?

Didyouforgetaboutchurch

again?

Seemlikeanidealist,isthattrue?

Intomonasticism?

PatNeffGetusedtothisbuilding,youwillspendtherestof

yourlifeinonejustlikeit,doingthesamethingsyoudonowforapoliticalfig-urewhoprobablywasina

categoryabove.

TruettCurioushowyoucould

haveansweredyesornotothefirstquestionandstill

gottenhere?Soarewe,andwe’resureGodistoo.

RobinsonTower

Straittothecashbox.Whenyougetthere,callmeupsoIcansettlemyfinancialstatus,wouldhatetosetupanother

tentcity.

BrooksHallThoughyouaregood,

yourexistencehasbeendoomedattheonset.

Getreadytobeleveledinpreparationforsome-

thingworse.

AntiochYouknowwhatjokes

we’regoingtomake,somakethemyourselves.

LibraryWow,youaresoaverage.Thereisnothingspecialaboutyou.AllI’mgoingtodoissuggestahobby.

Shop where the NoZe Bros shop!

Forallyourspringneeds,reads,cdsanddvds,cometothenewBaylorBookstore.

tuesday, march 7, 2006 the elm mott rope 7BLOG

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Thursday, September 18, 2006

Wow! One whole month at college, and I’m feeling good. Leaving home was hard, but I have a feeling that everything is going to work out exactly as planned. My roommate, Judson, is pretty cool even if he’s a little messy. All I know is that it’s finally good to feel like I belong some place – I’m looking forward to making lots of friends and getting per-fect scores on all my tests. Well, I’ll blog later..see ya!

5:40 PM - add eprops - add comments - email it

Friday, September 19, 2006

Everything is so crappy right now. I blasted my Coldplay on max on my iPod, but it still wouldn’t drown out my sorrows. But for some reason, my Xanga won’t let me show you what I’m listening to. How am I supposed to express myself?! Today on my way to class, I needed some alone time to get my thoughts together, but everyone here at this darn university keeps trying to walk with me. I barely get any time to do my quiet times because everyone’s so busy trying to get to know me. At first I thought that having 5,298 Facebook friends would lift my self-esteem, but then I thought ‘how many of those are actually my friends?’ I mean, how many?! Wow, I guess I’m just having trouble believing in myself right now.

2:12 AM - 74 eprops - 63 comments - email it

Wednesday, December 2, 2006

I can’t wait for this semester to be over. My roommate, Judson has acted like a total jerk since I met him. He goes off every weekend with his frat buddies, and never invites me. My birthday’s coming up soon, and I bet he totally forgets. And he won’t even clean up his side of the room. Last week, there was a half of a grilled cheese sandwich under my pillow! Ugh! Cleanliness definitely does not live next to me! If I have to remind him that my father’s last name isn’t “dammit” (pardon the french) one more time, I think I’ll go insane. Oh, Father! Why have you forsaken me to live in Penland Hall?! And the last straw – I was so bangled up about class today that I just wanted to come back to the room for a good cry, but there was a sock on the door – after visiting hours! – so I had to go to the garden outside Morrison to weep quietly to myself until it got dark. Then it started raining.

2:44 PM - 12 eprops - 1 comment - email it

Monday, February 28, 2006

I haven’t blogged in a while, but I really need to. I’m transferring. I thought I could stick it out another semester – I really did! But it hit me today, the worst thing of all. My room-mate, my teachers, all my classmates...no one here gets me. You know, really gets me. I’m no good at making friends, no one gets my stories from high school, no one listens to the same music as me, and no one ever says anything when I sneeze. I picked up applications to UT and ATM over the weekend. But I’m so torn! I want to stay because these people really need me. But I can’t ever feel comfortable here at Baylor. Just yes-terday at Chapel, everyone in the crowd started waving their hands at me and swaying like crazy people. I’m just glad that when they said they’d sing of my love forever, it only really lasted 2 minutes.

And I can’t learn anything in class. They are all giving me A’s because they’re too wor-ried about having living religion in their classes that they can’t even teach. They keep trying to reference me in every lesson, and it’s really awkward. The only professor I like is Dr. Ellis because he doesn’t seem to even care that I’m in his class.

Anyway, I’m going home for the weekend, maybe two or three days, and then I’m com-ing back to pack up my stuff.

1:24 PM - add eprops - 1,0342 comments - email it

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tuesday, march 7, 2006the elm mott rope8 HORROR

Bright,blindinglight.That’sallIcanseeatfirst,andthenasilhouetteappearsamidstthebeam.ItrytositupandgetabetterlookbutIcan’t;they’vestrappedmedownsotighttothisrudimentarydental-workchairthatIcan’tevenmovemyhead.Thesilhouettesmoveaway,andItrytoclampmyeyesshut,butthey’veboundmyeyelids open with wire. Another silhouette passes bythelightbutquicklymovesaside.Adoorclosesbehindme.Myeyesbegintowaterandanitchbothersthetipofmynose.Ihearascreaminthedistance.Iwait.Sud-denlyIhearthecrackleofaspeakerturningonandavoicebreaksin.“HowmanyfingersamIholdingup?”I try toforceanansweroutbutnothinghappens.Myvisionblurs,myearsring.

--

I come into consciousness outside, lying facedowninthemud.Itrytoliftmyselfup,butmystrengthfailsme.Imanagetorollslowlytoonesideandstareupintothecloudynightsky,butthebrightlightshaveleft my vision blurry. Everything hurts. My feet arecold;myshoesaregone;mysocksarewet.Somethingismovingtowardsme,andItrytoscrambleawaybutI’mtooweak.MysightbeginstofocusandIrealizeagoatisstaringintomyface.Henipsatmygrimetar-nishedsweater,andIwavemyhandfeeblyinanattemptto shoo him away but he won’t stop gnawing at myclothes.

--

I have no recollection of the time that haspassed,buttheneglectedhaironmyfaceandthepangsofavaricioushungersuggestdays.Iappeartobeinanabandonedpreschool.Thestuffedanimalsmockme.IhavenowishtoplaywiththeTonkatrucks.I’vereadTheLittleEnginethatCouldforty-twotimessincetheysecuredthedoorshut,butitgivesmenocourage.Theymadeus fight for theprivilegeof eating thepeelingsfromanorange.Ilost.Someoneisatthedoor.Thelocksturn,thehingescreak,andtwoBrotherscomeleapfrog-ging over to the corner where I’m huddled and staredownatmeindisappointment.“You’rethefly…”

--

I can’t see anything, but my clothes feel dry,clean and warm, so I’ve got that going for me. I’mstanding and that’s good. I try towalk forward but Ibumpintoglass.Iturnright,stepforwardbuthitglassagain.Iturnright,stepforward,butagainIhitglass.Iturnright,step—aspotlightflashesoverhead.Istop;atelephoneisaninchfrommyface.I’minatelephonebooth. I frantically pick up the phone but the line isdead.Ibegintocry.

--

I’m in the fetal position, trying to sleep. Thewoodsarealwaysdampandalwaysbleak,butI’vedugaholewhereIcankeepcomparativelywarmif Ipileenoughleavesovermybarebody.Grubisplentifulinthehollowofarottinglogafewfeetaway,andacoupleof days ago I was fortunate enough to stumble uponanenfeebledbutdelectablesquirrel. I thinkIcandigabetterhole, abiggerone,one that leadsbackhomewherethesizeofyournoseisunimportantanditsokayifyou’renotcomicalorsatiricalorabsurd.ButnowIheardrums.PinksmokerisesfromthewestandIcanheartheBrotherhoodchanting.ThedrumsaregettingcloserandIscrambletomyfeetandturntorun,butit’stoolate.They’rehere,allofthem.They’rerighthere.Icower.Theylaugh.Icry.Theylaugh.Allfallsilentwhileonespeaks.

“Areyoureadytobegin?”

Accountsofthemacabre,starringdungeons,despairanddemiseTales of the Trembling Neophytes, Sore Afraid

--bro. breakin 2: electric noZealoo

Few have heard the call oftheNoZesirenandlivedtotellaboutit.HadIonlyknownat the time, Iwouldn’t have bothered to spendhoursdeciphering their riddles andshenanigans.NotquiteknowingwhattoexpectIstoodoutinthemiddleofthe field where I was told to wait.Thewindwaschilly;thegroundwasmoistwithdew.BeforeIknewit,theblindfoldwaswrappedtightaroundmyhead,feelinglikeagarbagecom-pressorplayinggameswithmycra-nium.BeforeIcouldthinktwice,Iwaswhiskedintothevanandonmyway. The smoke-filled shouts stillring in my ears to this very week:

“What’sthederivativofHam-burgerHelperdividedbywhiskey!?”

“What integral role doessaccharineplayinKateChopinnov-els?!”

Afterarriveat themansion,Iwasthrownintoasmallroom.TheBrotherhood gathered around me,their nefarious faces were searedinto my memory during the shortwhilethatIwasallowedtoremovemy blindfold. I averted my eyes tothe blinding light, but they wereforced open while I was made toread A Clockwork Orange upsidedown,backwardsandaloud.

As the days progressed,I began to hallucinate; it was mymind’s way of separating me fromthis temporal hell. The small cor-ner where I sat alone was stainedin the tears from those before meand illuminated by a f lickeringlight bulb that hummed the themeto Howdy Doody. His name wasSeymour. When they spoke to meIdidn’theartheirvoices,butrathersaw visual representations of theirwords.Beforemyveryeyes,Isawtheirwordsganguponmyown,steal

theirlunchmoney,andgivethemawedgy.Shortlythereaftertheyweresinging“DancingintheRain”whiletraipsingaroundin5/4.

AndthenIwasgone.

I seemed to be swimmingforeverandfornotimeatallbeforeI was finally sneezed out into anemptyparking lot sometimebeforenoonandaftergray.Ifinallycametoandambledbackoncampustothemagnificent sight of normal-nosedpeople. Luckily for me, my doc-torhas toldme thatmymemory isroughlyequivalentofagoldfish.

Have I ever told you aboutthetimeIUnRushed?Ithinkitwentpretty well, but to be honest, mysteak was a little overcooked, andthewinewasabittoooaky.

--bro. Love potion #noZe

How did I get tied down to this bed?HolywaterburntawayatmyfaceasIsawthehighpriestoffunnyparadingthroughtheroom,askingmeifIbroughttherumplestump.Whatinthenameofall that isholyisarumplestump?

Why am I blind?Ionlysawstrangecontortedfacialfeaturesandagiantnoseastheblindfoldwentovermyeyes.ButhowdidIgettiedtothebed?Mysoulburnswiththeirdisappointmentinme.

What time is it? Ican’trememberanything;Ihavebeensituatedlikeapretzelforwhatseemslikedaysuponeternity.

Who is this staring down at me?Therehestood,atoweringessencewithabrightpinkhaloandababybluerobe.Helookedatme.“Befunny,”hedemands.Whycan’tIbringmyselftosayanything?

Pink.Isawabrightlightattheendofatunnel.Itwaspink.Irememberthepink.

Iwokeuponmykneesinanalley,gaspingforbreathwithonlythevaguestofmemories.Partofmewasmissing,somethingwasawry.Mymissingpiecestillhauntsme,whatdidtheytake?

OhGodmyphoneisringingagain,whydidIgivethemmynumber?--bro. cliff’s noZe

It was a dark and stormy night—actually,scratchthat.

He was as tough and romantic as the city heloved.Behindhisblack-rimmedglasseswasthecoiledpowerofajunglecat.NewYorkwashitown.Anditalwayswouldbe.

Therewego,Ilikethat.

There he (I) was, waiting. Longing for themomentwhenIwouldbefreeoftheshacklesthatren-deredmeuseless.Thechainswereoffinequality,thekindthatamanlikemyselfcouldflosswithifIwaseverinasituationwhereIdidn’thaveanyOral-BSAT-INfloss in my pocket. And let’s face it, that’s nevergoingtohappen.SothereIwas,dreamingofflossingvigorouslywhenamanapproached.

Icouldnotseehim,formyfacewascoveredinamaterialthatresembledlycra,whichinmyopinion,simplyistheworstthingtobeblindfoldedwith.Yousee,itoffersachancetoseeshadowspassingby,shad-owsI’veneverwantedtosee.Theystillhauntme.Mencarryingweapons:fruit,coathangers,euphoniumsandthelike.Themanputsthetipofaloadedrumplestumptomytempleandoffersmeasuggestion:“Nexttime,befunny.”

Befunny?Befunny!HowcanIbeexpectedto

befunnyunderthesesituations?

The man removes the rumplestump from mytempleandasksmetotellhimajoke.“Idon’tknowany jokes,” I tell him. He slams the door and leaveswithoutasecondglance. Ihearhimwhisperoutside,“He’snotworththeeffort.”

Itrembledinamarblecouch.Iheartheshowerbegintotricklewater.Thewaterrunsovermypantsanddrenchesmysocks.Ibegintofeelapoolofwaterrisingupmyankles.Ihearfootsteps.Themenentertheroomandgrabme.

Suddenly I’m placed on a tabletop, a finemahoganytablewithcarvedlegsthatfluteoutat thebottomtorevealthepawofalion.IcantellbythescentthatthetablewasfinishedwithOscar&Schmidt’s#58polish.Theyreallywentalloutonthistable.Youmaysay,“Howcanyouidentifythesecharacteristicswithanastylycrablindfoldon?”It’ssimple.Myfatherwasacarpenter.

--bro. Fear and noZeing in Las Vegas

Scruffy Murphy’s-pub o’ the irish-

Holy Law # 5 NeophytesandnotasingleonegotmyKrystalBurgerordercorrect.Manham-mer,Manhammer,Manhammer!

Want to sue us?subpeonausat:

Noze.Brotherhood@gmail.comTheRopeAdvertising@hotmail.com

TheNobleBrotherhoodoftheNoZe(Satch!)

POBox612ElmMott,TX76640

www.TheNoZe.org

“Wedon’tcarewhatyouthink,mother..We’regoingtogogetschmammeredatScruffy’s”

OnSpeight,between12thand13thstreet

tuesday, march 7, 2006 the elm mott rope 9ODDS AND ENDS

Cancunfine mexican dining

Ph:254.752.0041 1229N.18th

InaccordancewithArticle B of the StudentCodeofConduct(RingbySpring Addendum) Bro.Don’t Cry for Me Argen-tiNoZe was sentenced tohanguntildeadormarriedlaterthissummer.Thoughnoactualcommissionofacrimecouldbeproveninacourtoflaw,ArgentiNoZepleadedguiltytoallcharg-es and sentenced himselfto death, stating only thatit“seemedlikeagoodideaatthetime.”Ironically,theonlyforensicsciencemajorinthegroupwasthefirsttobeconvictedonanychargemore severe than publicintoxicationandindecency(convictionpending).

T h o u g h fe wbefriended ArgentiNo-

Ze during life, many areexpectedtoattendhisexe-cution and funeral, seeingas an open bar has beenpromised, but most likelywillnotbedelivered.Save-the-Datecardshavealreadybeenmailedtothoseontheguest list, and individualsnotonthelisthavealreadyreceived false assurancethat an invitation is forth-coming.Inlieuofflowers,thecouplehasaskedforablender.

Though obviouslydevastated, Bro. Argenti-NoZe’s roommate, com-mented “ArgentiNoZewho?Hey,handmeanoth-erbeer.Ohwait,hangona sec, ‘Ladies and gentle-men, this is your captainspeaking…’”

Inadramaticshowof love for their doomedbrother, the entire NNBhas offered to console thesoon-to-begrievingwidow,deliveringgiftsofSchlitz,couponsforbackrubs,andmyrrh.ArgentiNoZe’sfian-cétoldthegroup,“He’snotdying, it’s just a wedding.God,Ihateyouguys.”

Bro. TheNoZeousMonk interjected into thearticle, “What the hell,man?Iaskedforanobitu-ary.Ohwell.Ionlyhavetowaitalittlebitlongertoberidofhimforever.”

For his last mealBro.ArgentiNoZerequest-ed a Hurricane f loat, 2packsofBlackandMilds,and season four of Daw-

son’s Creek. When toldthat “last meal” was aeuphemism for his bach-elor’s party, ArgentiNoZereplied,“Oh…bettermakeseasonfive.”

Bro. ArgetiNoZelamentedthathisoneregretwas leavinganunfinishedmanuscript of “LARPS2: The Two Spires StrikeBack,” regardless of The-NoZeous’ strong will thatitneverbeprinted.

Asilverliningwasunfortunatelyfound,asitislikelywhenArgentiNoZe’sfiancéreadsthisarticlehewillbegrantedareprieve.Iloveyou,sweetie?

Noze Brother to Be Executed, Open Bar Expected

Query the Lorde Mayor!

Dear Lorde Mayor,Thiswholethingjustblewoutofproportion.WeonlywantedourpledgestofeelChrist-like. - Brothers Up a Creek

Dear Brothers Under X,Idon’tthinkyouunderstandtheverseaboutthelayingonofhands,butyoushouldprobablycheckoutthewritingonthewall.

Dear Lorde Mayor,You’vejokedaboutmyagebefore,sowhatd’yasaynowthatI’mener-geticallyjet-settingacrossthecoun-trytoraisemoneyforthisdump? - Penitent Prez

Dear Dr. Lilley,Notsayingit’sabadthing,butif

maybeyouwereactuallygoodatfund-raisingyoucouldstayhomeandrunthecampus.Now,there’stherealjoke.

Dear Lorde Mayor,TheConspiracyTheoriststoryisprettyheavyhanded,don’tyouthink? - Stephanie MacVeigh, Director of Student Publications

Dear Abigail,Sosueus.

Dear Lorde Mayor,MaybeIwill.Haveyoueverheardofcopyrightlaws? - Still Mad

Dear Lariat Staff,Lasttimewechecked,therewasn’tanewspapercalled“TheLariet.”Anyresemblancetoyourragispurelyintentionalandnoanimalswereharmedinthemakingofthisparody.

Dear Lorde Mayor,Youradratesaresupercheap,andouradvertisementwouldactuallygetread...whycan’tweadvertisewithyou? -Puzzled Printer

Dear BU Press, YoushouldtalktotheLariataboutthatone.Apparentlytheydon’tlikecompetition.

“InauthenticMexicanalwaysupsetsmystomach”

CometoCancunforsomeoftherealstuff.

SONNY’S BYOBWaco’s#1AdultEntertainmentCenter

Over15ExoticDancers

$5.00AdmissionEveryday6pm-8pm$5.00RegularwithCollege/MilitaryID

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Mon-1/2offregularadmissionwiththisadTues-2forTuesday-2for1XTCdances

Wed-CouplesNight-escortedladies,nocoverThurs-CollegeandMilitaryIDs,1/2offadmission

2300S.Loop340@S.12thSt. 254.754.3139Ifyouwantsomethingmoreexciting

towatch,cometoSonny’s!

above: bro. don’t cry For me argentinoZe shows off his good side.mug shot, elm mott Jail

Theevolutionofthought.

Year 0(Talmudic Calendar)

33 A. D.

1859 A.D. Present

above: the burden of being pretty. File photo, rope staff

tuesday, march 7, 2006the elm mott rope10 NONFICTION

HarvestseasonwascomingtoacloseinSalem,sothetowncouncilbegantomeetwiththeindividualteamleaderstopraiseeachotherforallthehardworkandprofitable bounty. While others smiled and laughed, Thomas Putnam, who was inchargeofStudentActivities,satwringinghishandsandwaitingtogiveareportthathedidnothave.

Putnam,althoughastrongman,hadnoideawhathisjobwassupposedtobeorwhathisdepartmentwassupposedtobeinchargeof–originallyitwascreatedtomakesuretheyoungervillagershadsomethingtodoonweekends,butthedepartmenthadlostfocus,andPutnamwastheretobethewhippingboy.Hehadonlybeenathispostnighuponayearwhichmadethesweatformathisbrowwithfarmorehaste.

“Andyou,Thomas,whatreportsofgoodtidingdoyouhavetooffer?”askedReverendParrisfromhisseatattheheadofthecouncil.

TheeyesoftheentirevillagewereonPutnamwhohadbroughtsheetsofpaperalongtolookofficial,butwhosemindwasasblankastheywere.Feelingthesweatstarttocreepdownhisback,Putnambeganadjustingthebuckleonhishatnervously.Justthen,AbigailWilliams,theDirectorof“TheLariat”–anewspaperprintedbythechildrenoutoftheone-roomschoolhouse–screamedandbeganshakingviolentlyandfoamingatthemouth.

Thetownhalleruptedinterror.Nooneknewwhatwashappening,butPutnamseizedtheopportunityandshouted,“Hazing!She’sbeenhazed!That’swhysheactslikethis.It’sclearthattherearehazersamongstus,cavortingwithevilspiritsandcaus-ingthispoorwomantoshakethusly!”

Intruth,Abigailhadpanickedatthethoughtofhavingtogiveherharvestreportandtookdesperatemeasures toavoiddoing italtogether.Her liewasgettingoutofhand,butshefiguredshe’dgoalongwithitavoidadmittingshewasquiteincompetentatherpost.

“BYX!KOT!FIJI!”Putnamcontinued,standingandpointinghisfingerateachgroupashecalledtheirnames.“Mydepartmentcouldn’tgetanythingdonethisharvestbecausethesegroupswerehazing!”

No one challenged his logic, especially not Reverend Parris who had onlyarrivedinSalemmid-Harvestandwhoalreadyhadenemiestryingtoejecthimfromhispulpit.Thegaspingsoundofshockfillingtheroomwasonlyovershadowedbythesilencefromtheleadersofthecouncil.Nooneintheroomwasquitesurewhathaz-ingwasexactly,buttheyknewthesegroupshaddoneitassureastheyhadseentheEmperor’snewfancydressinggarmentstheweekbeforeinthetownparade.

“Iftheseboyshavebeenincongresswiththedevil,theymustbepunished,”saidParris.Thecouncilagreed,andsotheSophisticatedArrangementforTownInter-estRegardingErrorwaswrittenwhichgaveauthoritytothegoodReverendtotryandpunishthesegroupsinhighcourt.Theaccusationscamepouringin.

When newsof the High Court reached John Proctor, a well-meaning, hard-workingmemberofthecommunitywhowasknownforhisthickspectaclesandlarger-than-averagenasalappendage,heknewthathehadtogotoSalemandbethevoiceofreason.Bythetimehearrivedintownbyhorseback,thecourtwasalreadyinfullswing.Severalgroupswereinthestockades,severalmorehadbeenburnedatthestakefornotconfessingtheirsinsandonehadevenbeenexiledtoanislandoff theNewEnglandcoast.

Proctorenteredthecourtroomwithstrengthanddeterminationtocallouttheaccusationsasfarceandfolly.Ashestrodetowardthecouncil’stable,Abigailsatpos-sessed,staringblanklyoffintospaceinthesamewaysheusuallydidatherdeskduringtheworkday.

ReverendParriswashorrifiedtoseesuchanupstandingmemberofthecom-munitybargingintothecourtandtriedtorestoreorderassoonashecould.ButProctorstoodhisgroundandspoke,“Thiscourtroomisasham.Hazingisascapegoat.Abigailisfakingitandforsakingtheyoungvillagerswithherlies.”

Onceagainthecourtwasfilledwithgaspsandoutrage.AbrightermancouldhavesaidsomethingtocalmtheroomanddealwithProctor,butReverendParrissattherewithhismindfilledonlywithself-righteousness.

ThomasPutnamspokeuptosavehimselffromtheallegations,“Helies.Infact,heisthecauseofAbigail’scurrentpossession.He’shazingheraswespeak!”

Easilyshocked,thecrowdpresentgaspedagain,andafewfainted,overcomebysomuchscandal.“Isthistrue,”ParrisaskedAbigail,whonoddedherheadslowlytoconfirm.Shehadlonghadill-feelingstowardProctorsincebeingscornedbyhimsomeyearsago.Bitteroverhissuccessandherfailures,shecementedhisfateandannouncedboldly,“Heishazingme!”

Proctorwasthrownintoacellandstrippedofhisgoodstandingwithoutevenhavingafairtrail.Allinvolvedinthescandalhadfoundtheirscapegoat–incompeten-cy,lazinessandselfishnesswouldbeglossedoverwithonesimpledropofthenoose.

Thenextmorning,Proctor joined theothergroupsandacceptedhispunish-mentfortryingtosteerthevillageintherightdirection.Withhishandstied,hefelldownthroughthetrapdoorofthegallowsandshuffledoffhismortalcoil.Hisglassesdroppedtotheground,leftinthemud.Parris,AbigailandPutnamwouldn’tbeabletosleepthatnight.Soonthetownwouldknowthemforfraudsandrunthemoutoftownonarail–butthatwouldn’tcomeforweekswhenmostofthevillagehadbeenravagedbytheirmisuseofthesystem.

Inthemistofthelateautumnmorning,ayoungboyandhisfatherbegantowalkawayfromthehangingtheyhadjustwitnessed.Astheypassedthegallows,theexecutionerstoppedthemandhandedtheboytherope.“Toremember,”hesaid.Theboyandhisfatherthenturnedandwalkedaway.

The Conspiracy Theorist

PigletranthroughthetrailsoftheHundredAcreWoodsclutchingalargejarofhoney.“Oh,dear!”heexclaimed,“IdohopethatI’mnotlateforChristopherRobin’spic-nic.”JustthenhecametoaclearingintheforestintimetoseeKangaandOwlsettingalargeblanketontheground.Pigletslowedtoawalksothattheotherswouldnotthinkhe wasHurrying. “Oh, hello Christopher Robin,” saidPigletinaquietvoicethatwouldsuggesthehadbeenonaleisurelywalkandnotHurryingatall,“isthiswherethepicnicwillbe?”

“No,Piglet,”saidEeyorewhowaspushingasmallstickaroundfromoneplacetoanotherinanattempttolookjustbusyenough toavoidhaving todoanyrealwork,“we merely thought that we would prepare a banquetinthemiddleofthewoodsfornoparticularreason.Noreasonatall.”

“SillyEeyore!”saidChristopherRobin.“Comesetthatjaroverhere.Piglet,ofcourse this iswhere thepicnicwillbe.”

PigletsatnexttoChristopherRobinatonecorneroftheblanket,andKangaandRoosatoppositethemnearthesandwichesthatKangahadmadeearlierthatday.OwlflewdownfromanearbybranchandtookaplacenexttoRabbitwhowasstilltryingtoseethateverythingwasinorder.Eeyorewanderedoverasifhewouldrathernotbebotheredbysuch foolishness,mumblingsomethingabouttheinventionofthetableandwonderingaloudifanyonehadheardofit.Tigger,whofeltespeciallyBoun-cytoday,wasthelasttoarrive.

“Well,” said Christopher Robin, “I guess that’s every-one.”

Piglet then felt a funny sensation told him somethingwasnotquiteright.Thenhegotit.“Where’sPooh?”heasked.EveryonebecameuncomfortablysilentandgaveeachotherfurtiveglancesthatmadePiglet’searsgopinkatthetips.

“Um,youseePiglet…”beganChristopherRobin.

“Well,it’slikethis…”suggestedKanga.

ThenEeyoresaid,“YouwereboundtohearitsomewherelittlePiglet.Itmightaswellbefromme.”Heclearedhisthroatandsaid,“Yousee,PoohBearhasfoundJesussonowhedoesn’tthinkthatheneedstohangaroundthelikesofus.”

“Oh,Iunderstand,”saidPigletinanappropriatelyhushedtonealthoughhehadnoideawhatEeyoremeant.

“Yes,” said Christopher Robin looking very relieved,“that’saboutit.Whowantspotatosalad?”Theconversa-

tionaboutPoohandhisnewfriendwasapparentlyover.

Later on, when the picnic was nearly finished, Pigletexcused himself by saying that he would like to takesomehoneyovertoPooh’shouse.Owlsuggestedthatitwasprobablynotsuchagoodidea.“Well,”saidPigletasheliftedthejarofhoney,“maybehewillbehungry.Justincase,”andhewalkedbackintothewoodstowardPooh’shouse.

Afteralongwalk,PigletarrivedatPooh’shouse.“Well,it looks all right from out here. But I guess I’d betterknock.”Andsohedid.

Pigletheardsomeonestirringaroundinsideandbecameveryexcited.IthadbeenquitealongtimesincehehadseenPooh.Then,justlikethat,therewasPooh,standinginthedoorway.

“Piglet,myfriend,”saidPooh,“won’tyoujoinme?”

“I’dlovetoPooh!”

PigletfollowedPoohintothelivingroomandsatnexttohimonthesofa.PoohsatandstaredoutintospaceuntilPigletwasforcedtobreakthesilence.“Ihearyouthatyouhaveanewfriend.”

“Yes I do. The most wonderful friend a bear couldhave!”

“Ishehererightnow?”askedPiglet.

“Yes,Heisalwaysherewithme.”

Piglet looked around the room but didn’t see anyone.“CanImeethim,Pooh?”

PoohgrewvisiblyexcitedandtoldPigletthathewouldlovetointroducethetwoofthem.“Myfriend’snameisJesus,andtofindhimyouhavetocloseyoureyesandaskHimtocometoyou.”

Pigletlikedthis.ItwasjustlikethetimethatheandPoohplayedMarcoPoloatthepond.Pigletclosedhiseyesandcalledout,“Here,JesusJesusJesus!”

PoohsaidthatPigletwasn’tdoingitright.“YouhavetobelieveinHimbeforeHewillcome.”

“Sure,Pooh.ButwhatdoeshelooklikesothatI’llknowhimwhenIseehim?”

“Well,it’snotquitelikethat.Youcan’tactuallyseeHim.It’smorelike…”

“ThenhowdoIknowthathe’shere?”

“Oh,bother!NowPiglet,youbelievethatthissofawillholdusup,don’tyou?”

“Yes,butwhat’sthatgottodowithit?”Pigletwasbecom-ingallthemoreupsetatPooh’sinvisiblefriendgame.

“Look,youneedtocloseyoureyesandbelievewithme.Religionismorelikesomethingyoufeel!”

Pigletwasquiteredabouttheearsbythistimeandfeltthatheshouldsaysomething.“LetmeseeifI’vegotthiscorrectly.I’mtolookforJesuswithmyeyesclosed,butitdoesn’tmatterbecausehe’ssortofa feelingandnotreallytheretobeginwith?AndI’mstillfuzzyastowhatthisdamnsofahastodowithanything!”

“Just trust me Piglet. Please close your eyes and praywithme.I’msureyouwillgetit.”

Pigletdidclosehiseyesandtry,butallhecouldthinkaboutwashowmuchhewouldlikeatasteofthathoneyafterhislongwalkandthisboringconversation.Hesoonbecameslack-jawedandstartedtodrool.Justthem,PoohpeekedatPigletandsaid,“You’vegotit!That’sit!You’vefoundreligion!”

Pigletwasrelivedtobedonewiththesearchingalthoughhewasevenmoreconfusedthanwhenhe’dstarted.“Soreligionisfeelingrealemptyinsideandwantingsomehoney?”

“Yes!Metaphoricallyspeaking,thatis,”saidPooh.

“Whatcanyoudowithyourreligion,Pooh?”askedPig-let.

“Well,withreligionyougettoSING!”Andsohedid.

“Onahill,faraway,Stoodanoldruggedcross!

Anemblemofsufferingandshame…”

Poohwenton like this forawhileuntilPigletdecidedto take the opportunity to leave.Pooh had that glassylookinhiseyesagainanddidn’tevennotice.Pigletranback to see if anyone was still at the picnic. Much tohisdelight,ChristopherRobinwastherereadingabookunder a tree. “Hallo, Piglet!” said Christopher Robin.“HowwasyourvisitwithPooh?”

Pigletwassorelievedtoseesomeonethathebegantocryashe talked,“Itwashorrible!Howcanhebelieveallthat?”

“It’sreallyquitesimple,”saidChristopherRobin,“somebearswillbelieveanything.”

In Which

Pooh Finds the Lord Jesus Christ (Amen)

OR,“THESOUTHERNBAPTISTCHRISTIANITYOFPOOH”

NoZeThe Noble

Brotherhood

cunning linguistBro. TheNoZeous Monk

lorde mayorBro. Bush’s Krispy TacNoZe

shekel keeperBro. NoZe Sequitur

e_brotherBro. NoZe, Table for One

The BrothersBro. KuntNoZe Kinte

Bro. 867-530NoZeBro. Fats DomiNoZe

Bro. NoZe DefBro. NoZe B4 Hoes

Bored of GraftBro. AbstiNoZe

Bro. ArgentiNoZeBro. NoZe v. Wade

Bro. RomaNoZe ClefBro. Keyser NoZé

Venerable ExilesBro. Al PaciNoZe

Bro. Huey P. NoZetonBro. Ultra MagNoZe

Bro. Samir NoZeenanajarBro. NoZeanderthal

Bro. NoZeph McCarthy

Bro. NoZeB-GYNBro. DyNoZemite

Bro. Roseanne Roseanna DanNoZeBro. Rocky MarchiaNoze

Bro. NoZetta StoneBro. CaNoZebus

tuesday, march 7, 2006 the elm mott rope 11MISCELLANY

Keko Muckity Muck! Keko Muckity Muck! Mene Mene Tekel Upharsin! Satchel on Bro. Long NoZe, Satch! BMMC! HRGS! BSSS! BUHCC! TSFN! NSFW! It seems as though the Brothers NoZe continue to triumphantly tread toes on those bestowed with freedom(?) of the press(?), who write in Castle(law) keeps where the iMachiavellian flows emerge in rows of ill-punctuated prose. Privatization of campus news delivery (we use FedEx) solved several situations where fears of fact-filtering had become frequently founded, no further fictitiously fabricated. Elmo knows free rides don’t last forever, and competitive rates aren’t located on Easy Street, but not every gadfly embraces arsenic over old lace, bracing for disgrace rather than trying to save face, just so its mark isn’t trivially erased. But we have real matters to discuss. Careless co-eds and poorly planned pledging practices have cast new light to fall on old black clouds at Baylor Barber Kollege, and even the Funny can’t help those who miss the positive productive points of fraternal fun as badly as Judicial Affairs misses a blameworthy Brother HelleNoZe Keller. Perhaps it was the delicious cobbler that set him free... Pray, have pity on us poor NoZemen, as pitifully poor poetry proves points prettier than petty punditry: “NoZes are pink, violets are blue, We’d welcome you back, John Lilley, but where are you?” Can I get a Satch? Satchel? Satchelliiissiiiimmooooooooooooooooo!!!

Stil l HereBro. Charles K. PoNoZi

Bro. Mu-mu-mu-my SharoNoZeBro. Obi-Wan KeNoZebi

Bro. XeNoZe, Warrior PrincessBro. NoZé Cuervo

Bro. NoZtre Dame Walk-OnBro. Token HispaNoZe

Faculty HostageBro. NoZe Better*

Trembling NeophytesBro. Marlon BrandNoZe

Bro. NoZepetism

Bro. Fear and NoZeing in Las Vegas

Bro. Love Potion #NoZe

Bro. Breakin’ 2: Electric NoZealoo

Bro. Cliff’s NoZe

RopeTHE

Ye Shall Know Them

By Their NoZes...

tuesday, march 7, 2006the elm mott rope12 FRONT PAGE

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