more effective communication with children paper

8/14/2019 More Effective Communication With Children Paper

1/18

UNIVERSITY OF MANAGEMENT &TECHNOLOGY

2010

Effective Communication

with ChildrenSUBJECT: Business Communication Workshop

Program: MBA executive

S U B M I T T E D B Y : U Z M A M A N S O O R 0 9 5 1 2 1 0 1 4S U B M I T T E D T O : M R . M A S O O D A H M A D


2/18

2

EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION WITH CHILDRENToday we are experiencing an ever-growing communication gap between parents,teachers and the children whom they are responsible for. Only through honest andsincere communication can we help our children to become honest, healthy and

happy individuals.

THE BASIS OF COMMUNICATION

The guidelines for effective communication withchildren are, of course, the same as those forcommunication between all human beings.

The basis of communication is the golden rule, "do toothers as you would like others to do to you". So

we simply need to ask, "how we would like others tocommunicate with us?" Here are some thoughts:

1. We would all like honesty from all whocommunicate with us. No one likes being told lies.Nor do we like people to make up stories and excuses. We would like to hear the truthabout what the other is thinking, feeling or doing. We feel safer, more able to copewith any situation when we know what we are dealing with. The same holds for ourchildren. When we tell them lies, they feel insecure and distrustful of the worldaround them. They learn to tell lies. There can be no communication in such a case.Although the truth might not always be the easiest response, it is always the "soul-

ution"

2. We all want logical reasoning and explanations from the person who iscommunicating with us. If he or she speaks in an irrational way, or says, "look it willsimply be done this way and I have no intention of explaining to you why; do it thatway because I said so, because I want it that way, although it seems illogical", we willnot feel very happy. We will feel that the other has no interest in our needs orfeelings. We will feel that he or she is not respecting us. This is the way our childrenfeel when we give orders or make statements without explaining the reasons behindthem.

No child is too young to be spoken to with reason and logic. Even if he or she cannotgrasp all the factors involved, he or she will at least feel respected. That is extremelyimportant.

3. Respect is absolutely essential in communication. We need to respect bothourselves and the other. That means that on the one hand, we do not suppress thatwhich we want or feel, and on the other, we do not suppress the other. It also meansthat we do not shout at, criticize or demean the others with harsh words. We would


3/18

3

not like to be talked to in this way. Children are even more sensitive and vulnerableto shouting and harsh words. Their self-image and sense of security are seriouslyundermined.Respect breeds respect. When we show respect to our children during their earlyyears they will return this behavior in the later years. If we frequently criticize,

blame, demean or speak down to them, we will find that during adolescence, thislack of respect will then be returned to us.

4. We all want to be loved. We want to know that the other person cares for us,accepts us. It is not necessary for them to agree with us or accept all that we do orbelieve. We can accept each other despite our differences. This kind of unconditionalacceptance is essential for open, honest communication. If we feel that the other isgoing to get angry, reject us or nag me for something which we will tell him or her,then we will likely not communicate at all with that person. This is a situationchildren get into frequently.

When we continuously criticize and advise our children, they gradually stop telling uswhat they are doing. They stop communicating, because whatever they will say willbe criticized. Or they may start criticizing us. They start rejecting whatever we say.They may do this with words or with actions which symbolize rebellion, independenceand rejection of our beliefs.

Assurance that there will always be love and acceptance, whatever the one or theother may do, keeps the channel open for honest communication. We are talkingabout accepting the being and not every action which he or she may perform. Thisdistinction is important. We can express our displeasure or disagreement concerning aparticular belief or behavior, while still feeling love and acceptance for the child.

5. Our children look for consistency from their elders. When there is no consistencybetween words and actions, the basis of communication breaks down, because wordshave no meaning they are empty.

6. Communication is a two way process. We need to learn to speak and to listen. Wedo not like communicating with someone who talks continuously and does not allow usa chance to express ourselves. On the other hand, neither do we like it when wespeak and the other does not respond. A balance is needed. Most of us need to learnto listen more. Children need a sounding board for their thoughts, discoveries andproblems. If we are not capable of listening properly our children will close up and /

or find someone else to talk with.

HOW WE COMMUNICATE NOW

Let us briefly mention how most people communicate now. There are two basiccategories; those who suppress themselves and do not communicate; and those whosuppress the others by raising their voices, blaming and criticizing the others,


4/18

4

ordering them around in various ways.

The first group of self-suppressorseventually develops various physical andpsychological problems, through the

suppression of their needs, emotions andbeliefs.

The second group may manage to getwhat they want from the others, butthey also cause the others to developfeelings of resentment towards them.

Neither of these methods of communication is effective. What then is the alternative?There is a third possibility in which we communicate the truth and do not suppressour feelings, beliefs or needs. But we express ourselves without demeaning or blaming

the other in anyway. We maintain respect for ourselves and for the other. We neitherspeak up to nor down towards the other, but rather directly and openly, as twomature adults, who are taking responsibility for their lives and their realities.

This is absolutely essential in our communication with children. Blaming children forour unhappiness seriously undermines their self-image, self-confidence, self-worthand self-love.

SELF-ANALYSIS

Effective communication is not possible without a clear understanding of what we are

feeling. Behind every feeling or emotion there lies a belief conscious or subconscious(usually the latter) which is causing us to have that emotion. That belief could becalled a "programming". What we feel is a result of what we believe about what ishappening. What we believe is dependent on our childhood experiences, andconclusions. These affect how we feel in certain situations, and thus they affect howwe act towards our children and others.

We need to be able to understand what we are feeling, and why we are feeling thatway, so that we can communicate the truth to the child. This is effectivecommunication - the truth.

Most often we do not communicate the truth. We do not want to lie, but we simplyhave not yet discovered the truth. We have not yet analyzed ourselves to discoverwhy we are feeling the way we are. We have not analyzed our programmings andbeliefs to see whether they are logical or simply learned thoughts, patterns, habitsand fears which we have been programmed into us and which are causing us tomechanically transfer our beliefs, prejudices, fears, and expectations onto ourchildren.


5/18

5

There can be no evolution in this way. And where there is no evolution eventuallythere is revolution. When we fail to continue to grow, then we obviously come intoconflict with the forces of change and evolution which are working through ourchildren. The result is conflict between us. We are not suggesting that we adopt ourchildrens beliefs or ways, but rather that we simply do some self-analysis to examine

our programmings, needs, motives, expectations and fears to see if they are valid,fair and practical.

EMOTIONS ARE THE RESULT OF OUR INTERPRETATIONS OF REALITY

Our emotions are not so much the function of what others do or what happens in theworld. How we feel is afunction of how we

interpret the world andevents around us. Eachperson, observing thesame event, will feeldifferently depending onhis or her childhoodprogramming,expectations, attachmentsand fears. No two peoplewill feel exactly the samewhile observing the same

event, or receiving thesame stimulus.

What does this have to do with communication? Everything. We communicate whatwe feel. This is true even when we try to suppress or hide our feelings. They aretransmitted like radar to those around us without words or expression.

We often fail to express what we really feel. We might express anger and rejection toour children (or others) when in reality we are feeling fear or self-doubt. This is nottruthful communication.

Usually our first emotion is self-doubt, disappointment or fear, and then we feelanger. But we express only the anger. We hold the others responsible for ourunhappiness. We use phrases like "bad boy", "bad girl", "you are lazy", "you are stupid","you will not do anything in your life", "you will be the death of me", "you are drivingme crazy". "you are making me ill."

These messages, although not really meant, are taken very seriously by children andare programmed into their subconscious mind. They then begin to make those words


6/18

6

come true. Or they may spend their whole life trying to prove that they are not true.No matter how much they may prove it, however, they may never succeed inbelieving that they is okay because they are programmed deep inside to doubt theirworth,

Such messages are called "you-messages" and are based on the false idea that theother is responsible for how we feel. Our programming and expectations areresponsible for how we feel. We create our inner reality with how we interpret theevents around us.

"You-messages" are destructive to our childrens self-image and close the door toopen communication. We may succeed in making our children behave in this way butwe will lose our loving contact and cause them to have serious problems. A moreeffective method of communication is called the "I-message".

"I - MESSAGES"

In the I-message we explain tothe child what we are reallyfeeling and the thoughts,beliefs, expectations, fearsand attachments that createthose feelings within us. Wecommunicate:

1. The various emotions whichwe are having.

2. The beliefs andprogrammings which are

creating these emotions.

3. What stimulus or behavior on the part of the child triggers this mechanism?

4. How we usually act towards the child when we feel that way.

5. What we need and are asking from the child. (Perhaps some help or behaviorchange.)

6. Then we ask the child to explain how he or she feels and we exercise activelistening.

Let us take an example. A child brings home low grades. This is the stimulus, the


7/18

7

event which is perceived by the parents senses. Let us examine some of theemotions, which the parents might feel with this event. Parents will feel differentlydepending on their programmings and expectations. One may feel disappointment,insecurity, shame, doubt about oneself as parent, anger towards the child, angertowards the teachers, inferiority towards other parents whose children are doing

better, concern for the child or even guilt. Some parents may be strongly affected.Others may approach the problem more rationally and effectively without panic andfamily crisis.

Now what are some of the programmings or beliefs which a parent may have whichmay create some of these emotions. It is important to examine these, because, wemay be being controlled by false programmings which may cause us to express angeror rejection towards the child, which, in this case, is probably the last thing he or sheneeds. The child too is obviously having a problem. This is a time when he or sheneeds to feel support and help in understanding what is preventing him or her fromusing his or her abilities to a greater extent. Rejection or harsh words will only make

the child react more negatively or close into himself or herself.

MESSAGES ABOUT LOW GRADES

So, why is the parent feeling what he feels? What are some of the programmings orbeliefs which control his mind?

1. A child must have high grades in order to succeed in the world.

A parent who is programmed in this way will feel fear about the childs future andfailure in his role as parent to prepare his child for the world.

Thus his or her "I-message" would be something like this, "John, I would like to talkwith you. I have a problem. I feel responsible for your future. I believe that it is myresponsibility to do whatever I can to help you be successful and happy in your life. Ialso believe that high grades are essential for your survival and success and happinessin the future. Perhaps I am not giving you something which you need. I would reallylike to talk about this in detail. How do you feel? Is there anything which is bothering

you or preventing you from concentrating?

With this kind of "I-message" which leads into active listening in which we help thechild to open up to us, the child is less likely to feel accused or hurt. Thus he or shewill not need to react negatively or close up. There will be a greater possibility ofopen, honest, effective communication.

At the same time, the parent would do well to examine those programmings which he


8/18

8

has. It is true that success and happiness depend on high grades at school? Does thistheory hold up? Are the highly educated and very rich really happy and healthy?Perhaps some are. Did those who are successful, dynamic, happy, productivemembers of society have high grades or are there other factors involved?

Perhaps higher grades can be had by one who knows how to memorize and be a robotat school. Does that mean that he or she can think, analyze and communicate withpeople? Does that mean that he or she is ethical or able to function in our society?Perhaps too much importance is being given to one of the many factors that may helpour children survive and succeed in life. There are many others which may be muchimportant in our childs life such as morality, character, love for others, self-respect,self-confidence, enthusiasm, creativity, concern for others, and various other talentswhich the child may have.

When we worry and pressure our children on the basis of this one factor, we riskdestroying all the others in the conflict that takes place. In general, the most creative

and analytical minds cannot thrive in the mechanized uncreative school system.

2. A second belief a parent may have is that "I am successful if my child is successfuland unsuccessful if my child fails."

In this case we might explain this programming to the child. But do we have the rightto ask the child to conform to some sort of behavior that simply fulfils our subjectiveprogrammings and expectations? Why should our children be forced to fulfill ourexpectations so that we can feel successful? That child may have been born to take acompletely different road, to have other experiences that have nothing to do with ourexpectations or our definition of success.

We may be defining success with conditions like plenty of money, high professionalposition, or high social status. But will that particular personality who is now our childbe happy in that role? Does money really bring happiness? Do people in high positionsseem happier than others? Are they enjoying life? Are they healthy? Do they haveharmony with those around them? What do we want for our children, success in theeyes of society or health, happiness and harmony? In some cases they may be able tohave all that. In other cases, they may conflict. We cannot know. There is a smallvoice in the child that does know.

It is better for our children to decide what they want to do with their lives. Their

inner voice will guide them sooner or later to the role that they as souls have come toplay on earth.

If we believe that we are successful if our children are successful we need to examinethe difference between efforts and results. As parents our responsible for our effortsand motives. Not for the results. Parents with many children can verify that althoughthey treat the different children much in the same way, they react in completelydifferently. It seems that each child brings with him or her some already developed


9/18

9

traits, which are independent of their childhood programmings.

How we behave towards our children and how we live our lives are extremelyimportant factors in our childrens character development. But they are not the onlyfactors. So we cannot judge ourselves based on the results of what happens with our

children. We only evaluate our motives and efforts. Have our motives been pure?Have we always done what we have thought at that time was best for our children(regardless of whether today we see that we might have made other choices). Havewe always tried to do the best of our ability with the energy and consciousness whichwe had at every moment in the past? Clarifying this point this will help us be at easewith our conscience, and will free us from the need to force our children to succeedin our terms, so that we can feel that we are successful parents. This is a greatweight for our children to carry. We would not like to carry this weight and we haveno right to place it on them.

3. Another belief, cause a parent feel upset with the news of the low grades is, "I

must have the others acceptance, recognition and respect in order to feel self-acceptance and self-love". If we need recognition from friends and society throughour childrens performance at school, then we will feel shame, inferiority, failure andthen anger at them for putting us in that position.

If we, in such a case, express only our anger and accuse them of being failures anduseless, then we not being truthful. We are not expressing our real feelings, whichcame before the anger.

Something that we need to understand is that anger is always a second or thirdemotion. We feel anger when we first feel fear, insecurity, hurt or guilt. When we are

angry we can be sure that somewhere behind that anger we fear something. It may bedifficult to find but it is, without doubt, there.

Take the present example. We might have any of the following fears.

1. Fear of rejection or ridicule by friends and relatives whose children may be doingbetter than ours do.2. Fear of failing in the role of the parent.3. Fear about the childs future of the child.4. Fear of losing control over the child.5. Fear of our belief system and expectations being rejected.

These fears cause us to feel anger. Thus, the "you- message" to our children that theyare no good, is not the complete truth. We need to analyze our own needs foraffirmation and approval from others, our doubt about our abilities as a parent andthe various other emotions, which we may have had before we felt anger.

The problem is that these emotions work so quickly and usually subconsciously that


10/18

10

we have difficulty perceiving these emotions which hide behind and create our anger.In such cases keeping a diary is essential. We can take ten to twenty minutes everyevening before sleeping and write down the major emotional experiences of the day.We can analyze the programmings or beliefs that are causing these emotions. In thisway we will gradually gain clarity.

We can see that a great part of effective communication is analyzing ourselves.Without this we cannot communicate honestly.

ACTIVE LISTENINGNow the child himself obviously has a problem which is not allowing him or her to usehis or her mental abilities to their full potential. The problem could have to do withconflicts within the family, conflicts with other children or with teachers at school,

disappointments in love, lack of self-confidence, lack of proper nutrition,disillusionment with society and the school system, as well as many otherpossibilities.

In such a case, the most effective method of communication is active listening. Let uslook again at some brief guidelines for active listening.

1) Let the other talk without interruption. Do not break his or her flow with your needto project your own ideas. When we interrupt others, we cut off their flow. This flowmay bring to the surface the cause of the problem, which they themselves have notyet discovered.

2) Look into the others eyes and not away. Let your body be facing the person andnot sideways. Show interest in what the other is saying, and in this way let him or herknow that you are listening actively and carefully, and care about what he or she issaying.

3) Do not, in any case, criticize or start giving advice. It is extremely important not tocriticize or disagree or reject during the active listening. At the end of the discussionwe may state how we feel. After the discussion is completed, if we do not agree, we,of course, have the right to state so. But during the active listening do not stop theothers flow with criticism or rejection.

4) Ask questions which help you to understand more clearly what the other is feeling.These question will help both you and the other (in this case, the child) to understandwhat the problem is. You can imagine that you are the other. Imagine how he or shefeels, and what is going on in his or her life and you will be guided to the rightquestions to ask. Asking questions rather than giving advice may be difficult for someof us in the beginning. It is not easy, but those who have tried it have found it veryeffective and have been surprised by the results.


11/18

11

In some cases where we might be performing this technique mechanically, the othersmay be surprised and react negatively, especially if they have learned to receivecontinual criticism. But if we persist to show interest, and stop criticizing, at somepoint the child will open up. We must also be sensitive about the correct time and

place to approach the other. Also a child must never be pushed against his will intodiscussing something which he or she does not want to. Eventually the need to comeclose to us will help him or her to open to us.

5) We may also affirm whether or not what we have understood from the otherscommunication is correct. This technique is used by most psychologists to help aperson open up and get clarity about what he or she is feeling. We simply repeat backto our children what they are telling us in our own words. This helps us to verify thatwe have understood what they are saying, and helps them to feel that we areaccepting what they are saying. If they feel that we have not understood, they willtry to explain to us in a different way. This will help all to become clearer about what

is bothering each.

These techniques for effective communication can do much to bring harmony and loveto our relationships with our children. It is important that parents get started withthis system immediately. No child is too young to understand this type ofcommunication.

Remember that the basis for all successful communication is love. Below you will findvarious examples of effective communication for various situations with children.

A CHILD WANTS TO GO TO THE MOVIES

A child keeps pleading to be taken to a movie, but has not cleaned up his room forseveral days, a job, which he agreed to do.

What might be an average type of communication? An average parent may call thechild lazy, irresponsible and inconsiderate.

An I-message in this case might be something like this:

"My child, sit down. I would like to express to you how I feel at this moment. There isconflict within me: on the one hand, I love you and want you to be happy. I want youto be able to enjoy that which makes you happy. I would like to take you to themovies, so that you might enjoy yourself. On the other hand, I feel cheated and thatan injustice has been done, because we have made an agreement that you wouldclean your room, and you have not kept it. That makes me feel that you are notrespecting our agreement and my need for your room to be clean.


12/18

12

"I also have another need, which is to feel that I am bringing you up in the properway. When I see that you are not taking your word and your responsibilities seriously,I have doubts as to whether I am doing a good job and whether you will be able tofunction well in society, if you are not keeping your word. So I cannot bring myself to

take you to the movies until you keep your word and clean up your room".

The parent may then lead into active listening with something like, "How do you feelwhat I have just said to you? Does it seem fair? Do you feel hurt? Would you like totalk about it?"

Also, the parent may take this opportunity to discuss with the child the factors thathave prevented him from cleaning up his room.

"From the fact that you have not cleaned up your room, I get the idea that you do notlike to do that job. Is there some special reason for that? Do you feel that it is unfair

that I ask you to do that? What do you think would be a fair way to handle thissituation? Have you some suggestions as to how we can overcome this source oftension between us?"

I can hear some parents who are reading this saying to themselves, "My child willnever understand these explanations". My personal experience is that any child overtwo years old can understand the intent behind this communication and will feel theparents respect, love and concern through it, and will feel the same for the parent.

THE BLARING STEREO

A child is playing her CDs so loud that the parents in the next room cannotcommunicate with one another.

An angry parent may likely say, "Cant you be more considerate of others? Are youdeaf? Why do you play that so loud?"

Would we talk that way to our neighbors if they were playing the music that loud?Would we talk that way to our colleague, our boss or our friends? Do we have the right

to speak demeaningly to our children just because we think they belong to us?Imagine how you would politely communicate with a neighbor who was playing musicloudly (especially if he is physically bigger than you are).

Remember that the key to effective communication is that we neither suppressourselves nor the others. We respect both our needs and those of the others. So, weare not going to put up with the music, but neither are we going to hurt the othersfeelings.


13/18

13

An example in this case might be as follows:

"Maria, could you please turn down the music for a moment? I would like to tell yousomething which is very important to me. I have conflicting needs. My need for you is

to be happy and not to feel suppressed. I also do not want to be in a state of conflictwith you because when I am, I do not feel at all well; and neither do you.

"On the other hand, I cannot tolerate the high volume which you were just playingyour music. Your father and I are trying to talk in the next room and we cannot heareach other because of the music.

"I also have the need not to bother the neighbors, just as I would not like them tobother us. I would like to keep up good relationships with them. I m afraid that theloud music may be bothering them. For that reason I ask you to please cooperate onthis matter and play the music at a lower volume or perhaps you could wear

headphones and enjoy the music at the volume you prefer, while we have peace".

Then the parent might want to lead into active listening as to how the child feelsabout that message. "How do you feel about what I m asking you to do? Do you feelsuppressed or unhappy? I hope we can find a way for both of us to be happy. Tell meyour feelings".

This method of communication is much more likely to encourage willful cooperationfrom the child, while respect between parent and child is mutually maintained.

Although we feel great love for our children, we are often unable to communicate

that love, because of a lack in communication skills. We mean well; but our ownproblems and fears get in our way and disrupt our communication with our children.

A NOTE FROM THE TEACHER

A twelve-year-old is sent home by a teacherwith a note stating that he was speaking loudly,using "filthy" language. What might be the

parents reaction?

One might be, "Come here and explain to mewhy you want to embarrass your parents withyour filthy mouth". Another would be to simplypunish the child with no discussion. Anothermight be to degrade the childs image of himselfby criticizing him for his various mistakes and


14/18

14

faults in general.

All of these express to some extent the feelings that we may have. But they are noteffective communication, because they do not express all our feelings and serve onlyto make the child feel badly, without offering any opportunity for understanding what

the childs problem is in reality.

Obviously, the child has some need to speak in that way. He may have some problemor a need for attention or recognition. When we focus only on our own embarrassmentand fear, and ignore what might be going on in the child at this time, we lose contactwith the child.

The child knows he has made a mistake, but he is unable to deal with the forces,which cause him to act in this way. His way of speaking at school was either an outletfor some inner tension or resentment or an attempt for attention or recognition. Wewould do better to discuss our feelings about the situation with the child and try to

help the child to open up so that we may discover what is going on in the childsmind.

A possible communication might be something like this:

"Ali, I have a strong need to talk about this note with you. I am very concerned bothfor you and me. I am shocked and surprised, and I must admit a bit embarrassed inthe eyes of others. But these are my problems. What concerns me most is that I alsofeel that maybe I have made some mistake in my attitude towards you. I feelsomehow responsible for your behavior since I am your parent, and I wonder if I amdoing a good job or not in bringing you up the way I do. I would like to try to

understand.

"Please explain to me the events which happened at school and what was that madeyou feel the need to speak loudly and in that way. I would also like to know if there issomething that I do which has contributed towards your feeling that you must expressyourself in that way. I would also like you to tell me if there is anything that I can doto help you to feel more comfortable and happier".

The child may or may not open up. He may or may not be able to understandconsciously what his problem is. In most cases, with the help of active listening thechild will come to an understanding of what is going on within him.


15/18

15

THE MESSY HOUSE

A mother arrives home tired and upset after

work and a variety of other chores. Uponentering the house she finds everything to bein a mess. She had asked the children tokeep the house clean because there wouldbe visitors coming over that evening. Whatkind of message might she give?

Of course she will feel disappointed, letdown, ignored, rejected, the victim, andmost likely, upset and angry. She mightblame the children for being so

inconsiderate, irresponsible, for not loving her, for not respecting her. This type ofblaming will simply reinforce in the childrens minds the idea that they are as she hasdescribed them - "not okay, not responsible and not to be trusted". They will thencontinue to be just that way.


"Children, come and sit down. I want to explain to you some things which are veryimportant to me. I feel very disillusioned this moment. On the one hand, I feel letdown. I was counting on your remembering my request that you be careful and keepthe house clean and tidy. I am tired and I am worried about receiving these guests

this evening. It is important for me that the house be clean when they arrive but I amtoo tired to do it at this moment.

"I also doubt whether I am bringing you up the right way when I see, at times like this,that you do not consider my requests for help and cooperation. I understand thatwhen you play it is easy to forget such requests, but I ask you to try harder in thefuture, because I need your help. Now, I would be interested in your suggesting someway by which we can avoid this happening in the future".

After a discussion takes place as to how such situations could be avoided in thefuture, the mother can ask the children to now please help her by putting the place in

order and cleaning up so that she can relax and get ready for the guests who arecoming.

The key to effective communication is to look into ourselves and think about what weare really feeling and express that clearly and openly to the other, without hidinganything and without blaming or intending to hurt the others. After expressing howwe feel, we express what we need and give the other a chance to express his or herfeelings on the subject.


16/18

16

THE DAUGHTER ARRIVES HOME LATE

Although their daughter agreed to be home by 12 midnight, she arrives at 1.30 in the

morning. The parents are extremely worried that something may have happened toher and are quite relieved when she finally gets home.What kind of message might they give to the child? They might express their anger ather disobedience and reject her for being inconsiderate and irresponsible. They mightthreaten her and punish her with the hope that she will obey out of fear in the future.


"Aliya, please sit down. We have a great need to discuss with you how we feel aboutyour coming home at 1.30 in the morning, when we had agreed that you be here bymidnight. We have been extremely worried during the last hour and a half. All kinds

of possible dangers have passed through our minds as we were waiting for you. Welove you very much and would not like any harm to come to you. We still feelresponsible for your health and well being, and would find it difficult to forgiveourselves if anything happened to you. We would feel that we had been irresponsiblein our roles as parents.

"It is extremely important for us that we come up with a formula with regard to yourevenings out, which would be agreeable to both you and us. We want you to be happyin your life but also have a need to feel that we are performing our role as parentscorrectly and that we are protecting you as well as we can.

"We also need to feel that we are bringing you up in the right way. When you do notrespect your word, we worry about whether we have failed, as parents, to teach youto honor your word. We are interested in hearing from you what happened and why itis that you did not come back by midnight; also, how you believe we should act in thissituation. We would like to hear your suggestions as to how we can find a formula forfuture times when you go out. It is very important for us that we know when you willbe arriving and can be sure that you will be here at that time"

The discussion can then go back and forth as we alternate between I-statementsconcerning our feelings and needs and active listening, in which we listen to theneeds of the daughter, until we find some suitable solution.


17/18

17

THE CHILDREN ARE FIGHTING OVER A GAME

When we see our children fighting over a toy, a game, TV program, or any other

object, we feel great inner conflict. We feel that both of our children are parts ofourselves, so when they are fighting, it is as if two parts of our own being arefighting. We may feel that we are failing as parents to create harmony in our home.We may feel guilt for that. We may feel angry towards one of the children who isacting more egotistically. We may play the role of the judge and persecutor. Wemight punish one or both children, without discussion.A possible example of communication might be:"Children, please come and sit down. I want to express to you how I am feeling at thismoment, as I am watching you fight. Each of you is equally a part of me. I feel soconnected with you that whatever happens to you is like it is happening to me. Whenyou fight with one another, I feel great inner conflict. I feel confused. I do not know

what to do. I do not want to take sides. I want you both to be happy. I do not knowhow to make you stop.

"Maybe you could help me so we may together discover what I could do to help you.This will be useful for all of us. There will certainly be times in your lives, in whichyou will come into conflict with others around you. This will help us all to see how we

can handle such conflicts in a different way. I would like each of you to think aboutwhat it is that you wanted and could not get from the other, which caused you to getangry and to fight in that way.

"Each will take turns to express what his problem was and we will keep going around

until all of us have said whatever we need to say. I ask that only one rule be kept:when someone is talking, that we do not interrupt him but let him conclude thatwhich he is trying to say. If we disagree with him, we can have a chance later toexpress it. Now, let us begin".

After each child has had a chance to express his or her feelings and opinions, and theopportunity to speak has gone around the circle a number of times and everything hasbeen said, then we can ask for possible solutions as to how we can structure our livesand routine of living so as to avoid similar conflicts in the future. All of these solutionscan be written down and then discussed. Eventually a combination of the variousideas can be adopted for a trial run to see how it works.

This group method of "brainstorming" for solutions to group problems has theadvantage that each person feels that his or her ideas and needs have been respectedin the creation of the solution. Even if our needs are not 100% met, we feel that atleast we have been heard, considered, respected and allowed to participate. Thus ourcooperation will be much greater and from the heart.

Eventually we can close by asking the children how they would like us to act in such


18/18

18

situations, if the children, in spite of their efforts, come into conflict again for somereason or other.

The basic obstacle towards such a way of handling conflicts between children is, onthe one hand, the lack of time on the part of the parent and, on the other, the lack

of ease the parent feels in handling suchconflicts. We must learn that conflicts arenatural in a world in which we all havediffering needs and ways of seeing things.

We tend to avoid talking openly aboutconflicts, which just makes them recur moreand more often, because they are neverbrought out into the open and be solved. Manytimes conflicts occur concerning superficial orunimportant matters, when the real problem is

about something else, which has never beendiscussed. Handling conflicts in this open andhonest way gives us a chance to deal with thereal personality problems that are behind thesesuperficial conflicts.

Communication is a lost art, one which must be regained through practice and bybreaking free from the ineffective patterns which we have learned from our parentsand from society.

Effective communication is a process of being constantly aware of what we are really

feeling and expressing it openly and honestly without blaming the others for what wefeel. The other aspect of communication is to understand what the other person isfeeling and thinking. Without mutual love, respect, understanding and atmosphere ofequality, there can be no effective communication.

I again encourage us all to become more efficient in our communication skills, to takeseminars on communication, in which we can practice those techniques underguidance. It is never too late to make the change. We might be 70 and our child 50and we may still be caught up in the same old ego games we were 40 years ago. Wewould do well to free ourselves from these obstacles to love and unity, and thushappiness.

more effective communication with children paper

Documents