must see tv

8/8/2019 Must See TV

1/29

Written byChristopher Wilson!


2/29

FADE IN:

EXT. CITY - NIGHT

An aerial shot of Sheffield is accompanied by a DRUM ROLL.

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)Live from the BBC Studios inLondon, its Trueblood TV! And now,here are your hosts, Britains mostloved couple: Jake and AmandaTrueblood!

Grand, upbeat music plays as the shot spirals away to reveal:

INT. STUDIO - NIGHT

The studio set is gaudy, resembling a 1970s variety show.The lights flicker enthusiastically as the door it issurrounding opens up, billowing out smoke.

The audience cheers as the shows two presenters step out ofthe smoke. They are JAKE TRUEBLOOD [45], a clean looking,slightly overweight man; and his wife AMANDA [43], whoseplain looks and bleached blonde hair are hidden behind goodmake-up and hairdressing. Theyre dressed smartly.

They step forward to the microphones positioned at the centreof the stage. Although smiling, their expressions andsubsequent dialogue are as forced as your typical awardsceremony banter.

JAKEYou know Amanda, it sure is greatto be back for the fifth series ofTrueblood TV.

AMANDAIt sure is, Jake.

JAKEI think we should celebrate by--

AMANDAAh ah, Im way ahead of you. I haveasked Paul to read one of his poemsto mark the occasion.

Jake slaps his forehead.

JAKE

Not another poem!


3/29

AMANDATake it away, Paul.

The audience claps as PAUL [18] walks onto the stage. Paul isdressed in black with a self-important swagger about him.Walking to the microphone, he pulls out a cue card andlightly coughs.

PAULThis is called My Black Heart.

(reading the card)Tonight, my heart bleeds hatred.Pumping pain through my veins.I am the chosen one;Drowning in a sea of mediocrity.

A CREAM PIE hits Paul in the face! The audience are inhysterics as Jake walks into the shot, smiling.

AMANDAJake!

JAKEWhat?

For the punch line, Jake runs his finger through the cream onPauls face and licks it. As he does this, a repetitiveBUZZING noise can be heard.

Jake looks up towards the ceiling.

JAKEDo you mind? Were filming here!

INT. BEDROOM - MORNING

The buzzing sound is coming from Jakes alarm clock. It reads07:45.

In bed, Jake opens his eyes and shuts the alarm off. Sitting

up, he stares at his surroundings: a small, bare bedroom,clearly contained within a cheap, terraced house.

Jake sighs.

INT. LIVING ROOM - MORNING

The living room is also small, decorated with faded redcarpet and white, bubbly wallpaper that is turning yellowwith age. Amanda is sat on the settee doing paperwork.

2.


4/29

Paul walks into the room from the kitchen, fully clotheddespite it being so early in the morning.

AMANDAYoure up early.

PAULI havent been to bed. Ive been upall night trying to think of ideasfor my Film coursework.

AMANDAWhy dont you go brainstorm withMatt and Rob?

PAUL

Im not working with them anymore.Turns out their minds are toosimplistic to be inspired by theworks of Stanley Kubrick and PeterGreenaway. Instead, they want toimitate...

(with clenched teeth)Quentin Tarantino.

Jake walks downstairs into the living room.

AMANDA

And why are you up early? ItsSaturday.

JAKEOvertime. We havent done much workthis week as people have been inrighting some health and safetywrongs.

AMANDAOh yeah, there was a thing about itin the paper last night.

JAKEEight regulations we broke. Eight!How were we to know that coolingpies on the windowsill isnthygienic?

AMANDAWhat time do you finish work?

JAKETwo, I hope.

3.


5/29

AMANDAWhen you come home, maybe you couldhelp Paul with his course--

Behind Jake, Paul is frantically shaking his head, mouthingNO, and making a few coughing noises. He ceases when hisDad turns around.

PAULSorry. Ive got... Tuberculosis.

(beat)Its made a comeback. Like rave.

EXT./ESTAB. BOBS PIES - DAY

Just from the outside, it is easy to tell the factory is ahellhole. A few letters have fallen off the wall, labellingthe building as _OBS PI_S.

INT. BOBS PIES - DAY

Wearing white overalls and a hat, Jake stands over a conveyorbelt, observing pies as they move past him. After hearing aCLUNK, he looks upwards.

Above, a MAN ON A LADDER adjusts a light fixture. The ladder

is wobbly.Jake is approached by MICHAEL [36]. Michael is scruffylooking, with unshaven grey whiskers, and portions of hislong hair sticking out of his hat.

MICHAELNow then, I wouldnt get distractedif I were you. Bobs on a rampage.

JAKEHes always on a rampage. I heardhe went nuts last Christmas because

the overheads of cooking a turkeywere too much!

MICHAELIm not kidding. Hes just fired Edfor going to the toilet.

BOB (O.S.)What the hell are you doing?!

Michael and Jake turn around. BOB [45], a fat, balding,sweaty man approaches TWO MEN wearing blue overalls.

4.


6/29

They are at the fire exit door, trying to remove a vendingmachine blocking it.

MANWeve got to move this, itsblocking the fire exit.

BOBSince moving the machine there, Ihave made thirty-five pounds more aweek. And you health and safetypricks want to take that away fromme?!

MICHAEL(to Jake)

I better get back to work. Catchyou later.

JAKEBye.

Michael walks away. Jake goes back to staring blankly at theconveyor belt.

Suddenly, there is a another, louder CLUNK. A light descends,smashing on the ground just six feet away from Jake.

MAN ON LADDER (O.S.)Watch out!

Jake looks up. The Man grabs onto a hanging light as theladder topples over, falling towards Jake.

INT. BOBS PIES (SECURITY ROOM) - CONTINUOUS

The SECURITY GUARD [mid 40s] is sat reading a newspaper,failing to watch the grainy CCTV footage on his monitorcapture the moment the ladder falls on top of Jake.

BLACK OUT.

FADE IN:

EXT. BOBS PIES (BACK OF FACTORY) - DAY

JAKES P.O.V. - WAKING UP

Jakes vision is blurred. The first object to come into focus

is Bob, who has a feigned smile on his face.

5.


7/29

BOBYoure awake! Listen, big favour.The press are at the front of thebuilding, seems they heard aboutyour accident. Damn press, theyused to love Bobs Pies, oh yeah.But then that supermarket chainwanted to build a store on thissite. Extra jobs and positiveimpact on the community, my arse!

(recollects himself)Look, if you tell them the accidentwas all your fault, Ill give youthe same amount youd get if yousued me for negligence. How doestwo-hundred pounds sound?

BACK TO SCENE

Jakes forehead is bandaged up, his eyes glazed. He woozilyturns to Bob.

JAKEWhat?

EXT. BOBS PIES (FRONT OF FACTORY) - DAY

JAKES P.O.V. - THE PRESS

Although Jakes vision is still blurred, it is clear he iswalking towards a JOURNALIST holding a Dictaphone.

Jake looks to his left. Bob is stood beside him.

BACK TO SCENE

JOURNALISTJake, Im from the Pie Times. Imsure youve seen copies of ournewspaper in your staff room.

BOBThere is no staff room.

JOURNALISTOh. Well, can you tell me whathappened in there?

JAKEMe fall down stairs. Me go now.

Jake staggers towards the gates.

6.


8/29

BOB(to Journalist)

You see? Hes just fine...

EXT. STREET - DAY

Wandering down the street in an unstable line, Jake bumpsinto a lamppost. He looks up and sees a CCTV camera attachedto it.

Staring at the cameras lens, Jake is surprised when thecamera follows him as he takes a step to the left. It followshim again when he steps to the right.

VOICE (O.S.)

Freeze!

Jake looks in the direction of the voice.

The voice belongs to MATT [17], dressed in a badly-fittedsuit. He has a toy gun in his hand, pointing it towards theground at nothing. His friend ROB [17], also in a suit, isstood behind a camcorder that is positioned on a tripod.

MATT(towards the ground)

Tell me where the drugs are, you

motherfu--

ROBCut! Matt, you cant swear. MisterKirk said so...

MATTBut were doing a Tarantino movie!

The resulting argument between the two is inaudible as Jakestares at the camcorder pointing in his direction.

EXT. HIGH STREET - DAY

Jake bumps into PASSERS-BY as he roams down the street.

An electronics shop grabs his attention. The window displayhas several cameras pointing to the outside. The displayscentrepiece is a large high-definition television, showingwhat the cameras are picking up: Jake.

Jake takes a step back, eyes wide open.

7.


9/29

JAKEOh my God!

INT. DOCTORS ROOM - ONE WEEK LATER

The room features normal objects you would expect to find ina doctors room, like medical charts, scales, and a ten yearold computer.

Jake and Amanda are sat at the desk. On the other side of thedesk is DR. ROBERTS [mid 40s], a bald man with spectacles.

DR. ROBERTSWhat can I do for you two today?

AMANDAWell, last week, Jake had anaccident and took a bump to thehead. He got checked out and there

was no sign of concussion oranything. But since then, hes beenacting... A bit... Nuts.

JAKEThats right, try to deride me.Just because I know the big secretnow.

AMANDAAfter he performed a couple ofstunts, we got him checked outagain. Again, nothing. Hisbehaviour is still strange and Idont know what to do--

JAKEActually, can you wrap this up?These talky-scenes always kill myratings.

DR. ROBERTSPardon?

AMANDALet me explain... Jake thinks hesin a TV show. Even worse, hescausing havoc as its good for hisratings, or some shit like that.

JAKEAmanda! Watershed!

8.


10/29

DR. ROBERTSJake? Can you go outside for amoment while I talk to your wife?

JAKEAh, keeping a plot twist from me?Gotcha!

Jake stands up and leaves the room.

DR. ROBERTSI know whats wrong with Jake.

AMANDAYou do?

DR. ROBERTSHis accident has triggered a mid-life crisis. It is your husbandwhos the actor, isnt it? I seemto remember treating him for a proprelated accident years ago.

AMANDAWas an actor. He had to quit afterPaul was born as the only role hecould get was in 999. Youremember that show, right?

DR. ROBERTSNo.

AMANDAWhen we first met, Jake had dreamsof becoming a light entertainmenttour-de-force. Obviously, thatnever happened.

DR. ROBERTSIn my opinion, his failure has

manifested into what hes doingnow. Im not gonna prescribeanything for him, the effects ofthis should wear off in two to tenyears.

AMANDAYears?!

DR. ROBERTSThats how long a mid-life crisisusually lasts.

9.


11/29

Outside the room, glass SHATTERS.

JAKE (O.S.)OH NOS! Thats my new catchphrase,what do you think?

Amanda groans.

INT. LIVING ROOM - MORNING

A couple of letters come through the letter box. Paul walksdownstairs and picks them up. As he casually looks at thenames of the envelopes, he heads back towards the stairs.

Suddenly, a MAN WEARING A HORSE MASK bursts through from the

kitchen. Paul SCREAMS, launching the letters into the air.

The man takes off his mask to reveal Jake, laughing.

PAULWhat did you do that for?

JAKERatings!

Jake goes back into the kitchen, still chuckling.

Meanwhile, Amanda comes downstairs. Dressed for work, sheadjusts an earring.

PAULMum, you cant leave me alone withDad. Ive got to finish my project.I cant babysit him!

AMANDAIm sorry, Paul. I would stay home,but I used all my days off to watchthe live feed of Im ACelebrity... Theres something

gratifying about watching someoneyou hate eating kangaroo testicles.

PAULWhatever.

Paul grumpily goes upstairs. Amanda adjusts her hair in themirror before going over to the coffee table. There aredocuments on it, mainly charts.

10.


12/29

Amanda looks at her watch and panics after seeing the time.She shoves the documents into her bag, failing to spot one ofthe papers slip out of the pile and drift to the floor.

Amanda exits the house.

Jake re-enters the room. The first thing he sees is the pieceof paper. He picks it up.

The paper is a bar chart. The X axis indicates days, whilethe Y axis is untitled. The bars are progressively decliningfrom left to right.

Jake gasps.

INT. PAULS ROOM - MORNING

Pauls room is messy, with an assortment of objects on thefloor, and posters crookedly positioned on the wall. OnPauls desk is a piece of upright cardboard with twoplasticine men and a camcorder in front of it.

Paul leans forward, concentrating as he ever so slightlymoves one of the mens arms. He starts to twist the head ofthe other one when:

JAKE

Paul!

Paul accidentally snaps the mans head off thanks to thesudden noise. He grumbles loudly.

Jake enters the room, clutching the piece of paper.

PAULWhat?

JAKEAre you busy?

PAULNo, I was just failing FilmStudies.

JAKEOh good, I need your help. Myratings have just come in. Look!

He shoves the paper in front of Pauls face.

11.


13/29

PAUL(reading)

Economy Projections Through 2011?

JAKEThats a code name. Cant you see?My audience is leaving by thedroves!

PAULI wonder why...

JAKEI need your help. I need a bigstunt that will make everyone loveme again.

PAULIm not working with you again.Remember when you were in my filmlast year? You demanded rewrites,told my friends you were once theMilkybar Kid, then claimed theRadio Times called you JohnBarrowman without the gayness.

JAKEI know, I realise I was wrong. But

right now, I need something -anything - to become the worldsmost watched TV show again.

PAULHow about you try using subtextsometime?

Beat. Jake tries to think while Paul looks at himpathetically.

JAKEThis isnt an easy job--

(snaps his fingers)Thats it! Im going to quit myjob!

PAULRiveting.

JAKEWhat if I quit my job in the mostover the top way possible? Likerolling my boss up in some carpetand throwing him off a cliff?

12.


14/29

PAULDad, thats murder.

JAKEGood point.

Paul sighs.

PAULLook, whatever you do, can I filmit? Seeing as somebody ruined myclaymation masterpiece, I need toshoot something else.

JAKEOh, I get it. The producer wants a

closer angle of my antics.

PAULWhat are you talking about?

JAKE(pointing; breaking fourthwall)

Im onto you!

PAULThats a mirror.

From a different angle, it turns out Jake is pointing at areflection of himself.

JAKEOh.

Jake walks out of the room, leaving Paul stood there,dumbfounded.

INT. BOBS PIES - DAY

Michael is at his workstation. He slowly uses his rolling pinto flatten some dough on the work surface.

As Michael carefully places the dough into a circular tray,he is approached by Bob. Bob doesnt look pleased.

BOBMichael, a word.

13.


15/29

MICHAELSomething wrong?

BOBI just counted how long it took youto flatten that dough: two minutes,fifty-three seconds! Add an extraminute to put the dough in the trayand cut off the excess - thatsnearly four minutes. You are awarehow many pies a day youll make atthat rate, right?

MICHAELNo?

BOBOne-hundred and twenty-seven pies!

(pointing)Dave over there is doing the job inhalf the time. Thats double thepies, Michael!

MICHAELYou know, in the time youve beenmoaning at me, I couldve made twoextra pies.

BOBAnd youll come back after clockingoff to make those two pies.Understood?

MICHAELYes, Bob.

Before Bob can walk away, he and everyone in the factoryfreeze. They hear a weird sound - a tinny version of AlsoSprach Zarathustra (the theme from 2001: A Space Odyssey).


As barely seen on the grainy monitors: Jake, who appears tobe dressed in a robe, and Paul burst into the factory area.Again, the guard fails to see this because he is reading aPIE TIMES newspaper, which has the headline of: BOBS PIESTO BE INVESTIGATED, subtitle: HEALTH AND SAFETY IN UPROAR.

14.


16/29

INT. BOBS PIES - CONTINUOUS

Jake is definitely dressed in a robe: a dressing gown to beexact. He is also wearing a blonde wig. Jake leans over toPaul, who is holding a boom box over his left shoulder and acamcorder in his right hand.

JAKEElvis Presleys entrance music...Nice touch!

Paul groans and turns the boom box off using his one freeindex finger. He places it on the floor.

BOBJake! What the hell are you doing?

Jake grabs a chair from nearby and stands on it.

JAKEIm here to tell you about my grandplan. You see, for the past fifteenyears, I have been a loyal servantto Bobs Pies. I thought I washappy, until that ladder fell on mea couple of weeks ago.

BOB

Stop making a scene!(to everyone else)Back to work! All of you!

JAKEAs I was saying--

BOBIm losing money by the secondhere. Jake, if you dont get downfrom there this instant, Ill, uh,fine you two-hundred pounds!

JAKEDo what you like. My accident makeme realise lifes too short. Withthat in mind-

Jake removes his robe to reveal the words I QUIT writtenand smudged on his chest in black ink.

BOBWhat?!

15.


17/29

JAKECant you read? I quit!

BOBYou cant quit! Youre fired!

JAKEOh yeah?

Jake picks up a pie from nearby and, similar to the openingsequence, blasts Bob in the face with it. With it being anuncooked steak and kidney pie, it splatters in a lessspectacular fashion.

The other factory employees stare in shock as Bob slowlyturns around. When he does turn, Michael bursts out laughing.

Michael tries to refrain himself when Bob gives him an icylook, but cannot.

BOBOh, shut up!

Bob grabs a pie and smashes it in Michaels face. Bob exhalesa loud, dirty laugh; mocking and pointing at Michael.

Michael picks up another pie, throwing it at Bob. Bob ducks,and it hits a random EMPLOYEE.

This triggers off a factory-wide pie fight. Everyone takescover, taking ammo with them on the way. The first pie throwngoes in Pauls direction.

P.O.V. - CAMCORDER

The pie barely misses as Paul dives into the air, landingbehind some boxes.

BACK TO SCENE.

Many pies go airborne and hit their targets. Throughout,virtually every employee is smiling and laughing.

Apart from Bob. He storms over to an EMPLOYEE, who has a piein his hand. Bob snatches it off him.

BOBThat is property of Bobs PiesLimited, a subdivision of--

Bob is hit on the back of the head with a pie, causing him toflop to the ground.

16.


18/29

Meanwhile, Jake is behind Michaels workstation. He looksaround to see there are no weapons left. He sees Michaelsrolling pin resting on the work surface.

Jake stands up, grabbing the rolling pin.

JAKEThe names Bond. Jake Bond.

Jake pretends to shoot a couple of people - sound effects andall - before doing a sloppy commando roll. Taking cover wherePaul is hiding, he remains in the shooting stance, pinpointing upwards.

CLOSE UP - SECURITY CAMERA

The camera has been mudded up by pie remains.


On the monitor, the pie has covered where the top of therolling pin is. The Guard casually glances away from hisnewspaper to see Jake holding what looks like - thanks to theimage quality - a gun.

GUARDOh my God!

Dropping the paper, he hurriedly picks up the telephone anddials 999.

INT. BOBS PIES - MOMENTS LATER

The pie fight is over. Everyone comes out of hiding, laughingand joking. Bob looks livid.

BOBThe next time any of you pull astunt like that, I want you to

remember one thing: Polish peopleare cheaper to hire.

Bob storms away from the scene.

Michael walks up to Jake, giving him a pat on the back.

MICHAELIm sad to hear youre going, pal.You got a new job or something?

17.


19/29

JAKEI do: producer, director and writerof Trueblood TV - the number oneshow in the universe!

Michael chuckles. He leans over to Paul.

MICHAELWhats he on about?

PAULDont ask.

MICHAEL(to Jake)

Anyway, I guess this is a goodbye

of sorts.

JAKEIt is... It is!

(to Paul)Paul, have you got any sad songs onthat boom box of yours?

PAULTheres a song called WintersDeath by Doll Bride Mask. Theyrea Swedish power metal band, but the

sad bit quickly turns into--

JAKEGood, play that!

Paul obtains the boom box. He presses the SKIP buttonbefore pushing PLAY. Instantly, a sad sounding violinechoes through the factory.

Jake gives a dramatic pose, and turns to Michael. Michaellooks confused.

JAKE

Michael, we have been brotherssince school. Weve lived together,laughed together, cried together.But now, Im entering a new stagein my life, going down a road Imust travel alone.

MICHAELAre you on crack? Can I have some?

18.


20/29

JAKESssshhhh! I know youre scared, butnow I must say goodbye. I mustsacrifice myself from my comfortzone to achieve my goal--

Jakes speech comes to a crashing halt when the violindisappears into a cacophony of double bass drums, shreddingguitars and unintelligible screaming. The interruptiondistracts Jake.

JAKEWhere was I?

MICHAELBye?

JAKEOh yes. Bye!

Jake shakes Michaels hand before turning to Paul.

JAKECome on, lets go.

As Jake walks away:

MICHAEL

(to himself)Crazy bastard!

Jake and Paul walk over to the exit. Jake opens the door andsteps outside.

Suddenly, there is the sound of GUNFIRE! A bullet smashesthrough a window, causing everyone in the factory to PANIC.

Jake runs back inside, slamming the door behind him shut. Hewalks to where the window has just been smashed and looksthrough it.

JAKES P.O.V. - POLICE STANDOFF

Outside, the police have the area barricaded with cars. Thereare A DOZEN POLICEMEN, holding guns that are pointed towardsthe factory.

JAKEOH NOS!

Jake brings his hands to his cheeks as a DRAMATIC MUSICALSTING plays. After the sting finishes:

19.


21/29

PAULNo, thats a crap catchphrase...

INT. BOBS PIES - MOMENTS LATER

Jake and Paul are still stood near the window as theremainder of the workforce look on. Paul peers through thebroken window.

PAULIt looks like a standoff.

POLICEMAN (O.S.)(on megaphone)

Jake Trueblood, come out with your

hands up!

Michael appears through the crowd.

MICHAELYou havent gone and robbed a bankhave you, Jake?

JAKEI found a fiver on the way her.Does that count?

Bob enters the scene.

BOBWhat the bloody hell is going on?

MICHAELLooks like the police want Jake.

BOB(To Jake)

What for?

JAKE

I dont know, I swear!

Bob gives out a low, deep laugh.

BOBI see whats going on here...

Bob goes to the door and slams it open, sticking his headoutside.

20.


22/29

BOB(yelling at police)

I get it! This is a setup to giveBobs Pies a bad name. Well, let metell you something, Bobs Pies dieswith me!

A gun is fired. A bullet strays through another factorywindow, this time at a high angle. Everyone gasps.

Bob closes the door and steps backwards. Turning around, heis shaking, his skin whiter than a ghost.

BOBThey shot at me. They shot at me...Im off for a lay down.

While Bob stumbles away from the scene in shock:

MICHAELListen Jake, youve got to giveyourself in, even if youve donenothing. The legal systemsalright, Im sure youll clearyourself.

PAULYeah, Dad.

JAKENo.

PAULBut why?

JAKEJust think about the ratings weredoing right now. Its not even theChristmas special!

PAUL

Oh dear.

JAKEWhats wrong? Are you scared? Irealise as a secondary character,you might get killed off at anymoment for dramatic effect. Butcome on! RATINGS!

Beat.

21.


23/29

PAULYep, got a title from my film now:The Day Dad Went Mental!

POLICEMAN (O.S.)(on megaphone)

Jake, Ive got your wife here. Shewants to talk to you.

Jake looks out of the window.

EXT. BOBS PIES (FRONT OF FACTORY) - CONTINUOUS

In the foreground, Amanda is stood by the POLICEMAN [mid30s]. The Policeman hands her the megaphone, which she puts

to her lips.

AMANDAJa-

The high-pitched feedback from the megaphone causes Amanda toflinch. After the sound dies down, she raises the megaphone.

AMANDAJake, I...

(moves megaphone away; toPoliceman)

I dont know what to say.

POLICEMANTell him something close to hisheart. Something thatll convincehim to give up.

Amanda raises the megaphone to her mouth again.

AMANDAJake! If you dont come out rightnow, were getting a divorce!

The Policeman forces the megaphone away from her mouth.

POLICEMANMay I suggest something a bit lessharsh?

AMANDAHow do you mean?

22.


24/29

POLICEMANFight fire with fire. If you knowwhy hes doing this, talk to him onthat level. Try to trivialise it.

AMANDABut what do you say to a man whothinks hes on a TV show?

POLICEMANI wouldnt worry, we get that allthe time.

AMANDAReally?

POLICEMANNo! A man who thinks hes on a TVshow? What a bloody stupid idea!

(coughs)Sorry.

AMANDA(puts megaphone to mouth)

Jake? Its me. I know the past fewweeks have been bad for you, andcertain things have made you feelyoure some kind of failure. But at

the end of the day, you cant judgeachievement by your career. Youjudge it by the mark youll leavebehind when youre gone...

INT. BOBS PIES - CONTINUOUS

As the speech continues, Jake is watching Amanda through thewindow. Paul is busy filming Jake with his camcorder.

AMANDA (CONTD)...What would you have left behind

as a light entertainer, huh? Somebloopers for an outtakes show atbest. But look at the mark youllleave as a husband and father. Thatis far greater. So please, dropthis TV nonsense. Come out here andhold me!

Jake wipes a tear from his eye.

JAKEIm coming Amanda!

23.


25/29

P.O.V. - CAMCORDER

Paul follows behind Jake, shaking the camera badly as hegives chase. Jake runs to the factory door, opens it andheads outside.

EXT. BOBS PIES (FRONT OF FACTORY) - CONTINUOUS

CONTINUE P.O.V.

Jake takes a few steps forward before he is tackled to theground by a COUPLE OF POLICEMEN. One of them pins Jake andputs handcuffs on him while the other places his hand againstPauls camera lens, causing everything to go to static.

The static flickers before the scene switches to:

INT. PAULS ROOM - DAY

P.O.V. - CAMCORDER

Paul reaches around the camcorder, adjusting its position.

He then walks to his already positioned computer chair. Hesits down and swivels so his back is turned. Paul turnsaround slowly to face the camcorder, looking more like a god-

awful Bond villain than the cool figure he is trying to gofor.

PAULAfter the situation you just saw,Dad was arrested on suspicion ofcarrying a firearm. But the matterwas settled when a lawyerrepresenting some supermarket chainoffered to get him off the hook inexchange for details of Bobs Piesseedy history. Soon as Bob foundout, he fired all his employees and

sold up. So if Matt happens to bein my presentation group, thatswhy your Dad cant afford to takeyou on holiday this year. Sorryabout that. Meanwhile, my Dad stillthinks hes on a television show.Mum says she will--

Paul trips over his last couple of words. He starts to waghis tongue around his mouth, verbalising random sounds.

24.


26/29

PAUL(mumbling)

Mum says she will... She will...Will... Shes going to...

Paul coughs and looks at the camera.

PAULTake two. Action!

(beat)After the situation you just saw,Dad was arrested on suspicion ofcarrying a firearm...

INT. LIVING ROOM - ONE WEEK LATER

Jake is sat on the settee watching television.

MICHAEL BUERK (O.S.)(on television)

Nigel was in trouble. It had beenfifteen minutes since the carcrash, and he was losing more bloodby the second.

NIGEL (O.S.)(on television)

It were awful. I had no mobile ornothing. Though its not like Icould use it...

ANGLE - TELEVISION

On the screen, Jake is in a field, screaming and runningaround frantically as blood gushes out of his missing arms.The bottom right of the screen says: RECONSTRUCTION.

BACK TO SCENE.

MICHAEL BUERK (O.S.)

(on television)Thankfully, a local shepherd hadseen the accident and called theemergency services.

Amanda walks into the room. She keeps her eye on whats onthe television while sitting down next to Jake.

Jake pauses the television.

AMANDAJake, I know weve--

25.


27/29

JAKEI know where this is heading, and I

want to apologise. The past fewweeks have been messed up, whatwith the accident and the police.Oh, and how our sex has been crapsince I complied with OFCOMguidelines. But looking back, Irealise my head was in the wrongplace.

AMANDAYes, it was.

JAKEI realise now that Trueblood TV is

not a thing for the mainstream.Its a cult show instead!

AMANDAWhat? You still think youre in aTV show?!

JAKELet me finish. Its a cult show astheres only three people who cantruly enjoy the experience of beingin this family - me, you, and Paul.

Well, I dont think Paul actuallyenjoys it, its not post-modernenough for him. My point is, I may

want a career as a lightentertainer, but no matter if Ifail or succeed, I will always haveyou guys.

AMANDAThats great to hear. At least

were back to normal now.

JAKE

Except I dont have a job.

AMANDATrue but--

JAKEAnd Paul failed his course as heforgot to put a tape in the camera.

AMANDAWell yeah, but--

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JAKEAnd thanks to three doctors, Ihave multiple concussions.

AMANDAOkay Jake! Not totally back tonormal, I get it.

Amanda stands up and heads towards the front door.

JAKEWhere are you going?

AMANDAIm going to the shop to getdinner. Do you want anything?

JAKENo. But when you come back, maybewe should go to our room and breaka few OFCOM guidelines?

Amanda blushes.

AMANDASure. Ill see you soon...

Amanda opens the door and exits the house.

Jake presses a button on the remote control and thetelevision starts playing 999 again.

NIGEL(on television)

Im so grateful for the emergencyservices. I may have lost my arms,but if it werent for them, Iwouldve lost my life.

ANGLE - TELEVISION

Jake is on a stretcher, wrapped in blankets. SeveralAMBULANCE MEN carry him into the back of the ambulance.

The last shot is of Jake giving a faint smile.

BACK TO SCENE.

Jake presses the EJECT button on the remote control. TheDVD player opens, revealing a DVD labelled 999 EPISODE.Jake retrieves the disc.

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Going to the mirror, he takes a look at himself before heheads to the bin located just inside the kitchen.

He opens the bin and drops the DVD inside it.

Jake sighs.

FADE OUT.

THE END

28.

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