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Prologue

Los Angeles, California

1994

One Year Later…

“You’re a worthless child. Why can’t you be more

like your sister?” Mama didn’t miss a step as she left

out of the front door. She left me alone sitting on the

bed in the one-bedroom apartment we shared with her

friend, Adriane. She finally did it. Sucker punched me

in my gut so hard my hopes and dreams died.

Little Miss Somebody

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As I sat on the edge of the bed with my face in my

hands, I made up my mind. “Today is the day I die.”

With my last bit of strength, I thrust myself off the

bed—weeping and screaming. As I barreled into the

bathroom, I looked in the mirror at my worthlessness

and pleaded with my image.

“I hate you, Mama! Why can’t you love me?”

“Why can’t I be anything but worthless and alone?

I’m somebody too! Why can’t you see that?” My tears

transitioned between anger and pain. With nothing but

my reflection in front of me, I screamed, “I hate you!”

clawing at my face, creating 10 red scratches from my

temple to my cheeks.

I couldn’t stop clawing and digging into my face,

even though, my wounds burned and bled. I wanted the

pain to stop, but it cut so deep, I couldn’t escape it. I

knew what I had to do.


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I swung open the medicine cabinet, looking for

something to put me out of my misery. I threw

anything that seemed useless to the floor.

Vitamins…no.

Cold medicine…there’s not enough.

Hydro-co-done…

I read the directions that were intended for

Mama’s friend, Adriane, “Take one pill as needed for

pain.”

“This takes away pain. This will do.” Finally,

there was a release from all the heartache and

disappointment I had experienced over the last two

years.

I held the bottle in my hand and shook it to make

sure there was enough to complete my plan. Before

opening the lid that contained my freedom, I said a

prayer out loud.


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“Dear GOD,

Please forgive me. Watch over Mama and Sissy.

Make sure they have a better life now that I am gone.

Amen.”

Without hesitation, I tilted my head back, emptied

the bottle, and washed my sorrows down with a hand

full of water from the bathroom sink.

I was scared and anxious about the feeling of

death, but instead of sticking my finger down my

throat, I forced myself to accept the inevitable.

Afterwards, I balled up on the white and green

linoleum floor, hoping to be unconscious soon. As I

faded way, I could hear chaos in the back of my ears.

“Oh, my God! Nikki, what have you done?!?” I

heard running, then someone frantically pleading,

“Nine-one-one, hurry! Something is wrong with my

friend’s daughter!”


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With great force, Adriane grabbed my arms and

dragged me out of the bathroom and unto the carpet

between the bathroom and bedroom. She screamed and

wept, “Nikki, please get up! What did you take?”

I wanted to respond, but I couldn’t. All I could do

was roll side-to-side and hold my stomach, praying the

cramps I felt would soon stop. I moaned and cried.

Then, everything went black.

I was awakened by a stinging sensation in my

nose and choking feeling in my throat that eventually

caused me to gag. I was overwhelmed by the scent of

anesthetics and the sound of someone screaming in a

room nearby. I tried to move my hands and feet, but

they were strapped to the hospital bed with white

restraints. I tried to yell, but couldn’t. A younger

looking white Doctor with green scrubs peered down

at me and introduced himself.


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“Nikki. My name is Dr. Henderson. You are in the

Cedar Sinai emergency department.” He placed his

hand on my shoulder. “You had an incident, but we’re

going to take good care of you.”

“Cedar Sinai? What am I doing here?” Reality

set in “I’m still alive?” Tears filled my face and

escaped down the sides of my cheeks. I kicked my legs

and moaned relentlessly, but I continued to be held

tight by the white straps that adorned my hands and

feet.

“Calm down, Nikki. We’re almost done.” Dr.

Henderson firmly suggested

As I struggled, I could see everything I ate that

day being sucked from my stomach and through a long

tube.

Next, they pumped my stomach full of thick black

goo that tasted like charcoal.


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Everything and every person in the room moved

like a whirlwind. Zipping in and out of the room—

yelling orders,

“Nurse, what are her stats?” the doctor asked.

“Blood pressure is 130/88 heart rate is 105.”

“Nikki, I know this is uncomfortable, but I need

you to relax as much as possible.” A nurse softly

suggested.

They wanted to rid me of my pain. But, I didn’t

want them to—I wanted to keep the dysfunction that

Mama left as she uttered those vile words and closed

the door behind her. I also desired the inescapable

feelings of worthlessness that kept me company after.

Eventually, the torment of being robbed of my

liberation caused me to fade into the darkness. When I

came to, I was greeted by the same white restraints and


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an astute grey-haired Hispanic woman with a clipboard

in her hand.

“Am I in hell?” I asked the grey-haired lady. She

chuckled and replied, “No, dear. You are still at Cedar

Sinai Hospital in the ICU.”

Livid, I began to cry and silently express my

disappointment with the Creator. I felt cheated and

betrayed by GOD. “How could you do this to me? I

can’t go home with Mama! You must hate me, too?”

“Hi, Nikki, my name is Elma. I am the hospital

Social Worker. I know you are upset and drowsy from

the mediation the Dr. Henderson gave you, but I need

to ask you a few questions, okay?”

I was overwhelmed with frustration but I looked at

her and nodded my head to show cooperation.

“Have you had thoughts in the past about harming

yourself?”


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“No.”

“What made you attempt to kill yourself?”

I paused. Why am I still here? Oh my GOD, did

they call Mama? I have to get out of here before she

gets here. I finally spoke up. “I don’t know.”

“Is there anything going on at home that we

should know about?”

All I could hear was Mama saying, “Don’t tell

anybody my business.”

So, I lied. “No.”

Truth was, I thought about killing myself

thousands of times—I hated my life. Another fact was,

if I had a chance, I would make sure no one could save

me the next time.

“Nikki, I am having a hard time believing you, so

I am going to recommend that you spend some time in


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an inpatient facility for young people who are

struggling with the same issues you are.”

“Why? I’m not crazy!”

“I understand that sweetheart, but I want to make

sure you will stay safe.”

“No! Let me out of here!” I struggled, kicking my

legs and screaming at the top of my lungs. “I want to

go home! Please don’t send me there!” Tears streamed

down my face and soaked the pillow under my head. I

was helpless, the straps were too strong and I was too

weak to fight any longer.

The mature-looking woman put her hand on my

arm and rubbed it gently. “I promise, sweetheart, they

will take good care of you.”

“Okay,” my hoarse voice agreed. Something in

Elma’s touch felt safe and sincere; I trusted her.

Besides, it had been a long time since another person


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treated me with love, respect and graciousness. More

importantly, it had been a long time since someone

treated me as if I was somebody. Fifteen seemed so

young to try to end my life. However, the two-year

journey that led me to my decision had reached its

peak. Something had to go—even if it was me.

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