“my hero worship”

8/14/2019 My Hero Worship

1/21

My Hero Worship

Written by Mike Stanzione


2/21

FADE IN:

1 INT. COLD OPEN, CAFETERIA DAY

(J.D., Turk, Elliot, Carla, Todd, Janitor, Nurse, Patient)

John J.D. DORIAN, a goofy but likable doctor, CHRIS TURK,

J.D.s best and equally goofy surgeon friend, ELLIOT REID,

a neurotic female doctor, and CARLA TURK, a Latina

nurse and Turks wife, are sitting at a cafeteria table

eating lunch. J.D. seems to be deep in thought.

J.D. (V.O.)

Today seemed like it would be like

any other day at the hospital. But

that was before I had one of my best

ideas ever.

J.D.

I think we need our own theme music.

CARLA

Do you even hear yourself talk

sometimes?

J.D.

No seriously, just imagine it.

CUT TO:2 INT. HOSPITAL HALLWAY DAY

The hallway of the hospital is dark and shadowy, as if it

were a movie set. Papers blow across the floor when

suddenly beeping is heard off screen. Suddenly a NURSE

runs out from a patients room.

NURSE

Can somebody get me a doctor?!?!

Suddenly, dramatic, heroic music begins to play and a dooris kicked down. J.D., Turk, Elliot, and Carla emerge from

the cloud of dust that rises up. The four are dressed as

if they are super heroes, and their actions are completely

exaggerated.

J.D.

Did somebody call a doctor?


3/21

NURSE

I thought you guys would never come!

TURK

What seems to be the problem?

NURSE

The patient in room 121 is coding.

Hurry!!

The four whoosh into the room and begin to work on the

PATIENT. Their apparent super powers allow them to work

even faster, as Elliot is able to intubate the patient with

little effort, and somehow J.D.s hands can work as a

defibrillator. He places his hands on the patients chest.

J.D.

CLEAR!!

With one shot he is able to zap the patient back to life.

The patient sits up, and happens to be a stunningly

beautiful woman who feels completely indebted to her

saviors.

PATIENT

How could I ever repay you?

J.D.Just doing our jobs, maam.

Suddenly Turks beeper goes off as if they are being called

to another case.

TURK

Duty calls. Come on, J.D.

CUT TO:

3 INT. CAFETERIA CONTINUOUS

BACK TO REALITY. The four are still sitting at the table.

Turks beeper is going off as J.D. comes down from his

fantasy.

TURK

Come on, J.D., snap out of it.


4/21

J.D.

Wed besuper docs!

TURK

I like where this is going, but I

have to get to surgery.

J.D.

Youd be Super Chocolate Bear.

ELLIOT

You two are idiots.

TURK

Dont listen to her, J.D. I love

it. But Ive gotta run!

As Turk gets up to leave, TODD, another surgeon who is

jockish and immature, ENTERS by running through the

cafeteria on his way to the same surgery.

TODD

Ready to get your slice and dice

on?

TURK

I was born ready, KNOW WHAT IM

SAYIN??

Todd hi-fives Turk, and THEY EXIT.

J.D.

(SINGING)

Here they come, Super Docs to

the rescue!

CARLA

Come on, Elliot, lets get out of

here.

CARLA AND ELLIOT EXIT.

J.D.

You know, it really isnt that

bad of an idea! Work with me here!


5/21

THE JANITOR, J.D.s arch-nemesis, is shown in the seat

behind J.D. Apparently he was sitting there the entire

time. He turns to J.D.

JANITOR

Of course its a bad idea. You came

up with it.

J.D.

(SINGING)

Oh no, here comes the Jan-i-tor!

JANITOR

No. Thats stupid.

The Janitor gets up and begins to EXIT, leaving J.D. by

himself. He hums his imaginary theme song to himself and

dances a bit. END OF COLD OPEN.

CUT TO:

OPENING SEQUENCE


6/21

ACT ONE

FADE IN:

4 INT. HOSPITAL LOBBY DAY

(J.D., Turk, Nurse, Carla, Dr. Cox, Dr. Kelso)

J.D. and Turk ENTER the hospital and begin walking down the

hall.

J.D. (V.O.)

Today seemed like it would be like

every other day here at Sacred Heart.

TURK

Doesnt today seem like it will be

like every other day at Sacred Heart?

J.D. (V.O.)

Okay, so that was a little weird.

J.D. shakes his head as if to get himself back on track.

J.D. (V.O.)

Anyway, life at Sacred Heart has felt

pretty routine lately. Even though

we save lives every day, sometimes

it seems like nothing exciting ever

happens here.

With that thought, the two come upon a large CROWD of

hospital staff.

5 INT. NURSES STATION CONTINUOUS

TURK

I think something exciting is

happening.

J.D. (V.O.)Is he listening to my thoughts?

Maybe we really DO spend too much

time together.

J.D.

Whats going on here?


7/21

NURSE

Some celebrity just got admitted.

J.D. and Turk freeze in excitement.

TURK

Celebrity?

J.D.

I hope its not David Hasselhoff.

The Hoff isnt supposed to get sick.

Did K.I.T.T. crash?? I never trusted

that car.

NURSE

No, its not Hasselhoff. I think

somebody said that its Hugh Jackman.

Suddenly, everybody freezes. We hear a RECORD SCRATCHING

to coincide with everything stopping.

J.D.

Im sorry, did you say Hugh Jackman?

NURSE

I believe I did.

TURK

The movie star?

NURSE

Yes.

J.D.

Wolverine?

NURSE

Yes

J.D. and Turk pause for a second, then look at each other.After a beat they begin screaming and jumping up and down

together. After a few seconds, Carla emerges through the

crowd, carrying a chart.

CARLA

I dont mean to interrupt your moment.

(MORE)


8/21

CARLA (CONTD)

But did you see who they assigned to

to him?

The two stop dancing together and push themselves apart,

trying to act manly in an attempt to save face. They

mumble incoherently about things such as sports and

hunting. They regain their composure.

J.D.

Please tell me I get to treat

Wolverine.

CARLA

No, its not you, Bambi.

TURK

Its not Elliot, is it?

CARLA

No, actually its

Carlas sentence is cut off by the sound of DR. PERRY COXs

trademark whistle. He is an imposing figure who commands

the respect of everybody in the hospital. He angrily

fights his way through the crowd and approaches Carla.

DR. COX

Can somebody tell me why I have thehave the misfortune of treating Hugh

Jackman, the one person I hate more

than anything in the world?

J.D.

He cant be THAT bad, can he?

DR. COX

Listen up, Darla, you should know as

well as anybody here that Hugh Jackman

is more irritating than anything elseI could possibly think of. And this

includes people who leave their blinker

on for miles, Dane Cook, people who wear

shorts over their pants, the Fox News

Channel, that guy with all the question

marks on his suit, little dogs in

(MORE)


9/21

DR. COX (CONTD)

Sweaters, people who play with my hair

Hell,Newbie, Id rather spend

my day on a retreat with you than

have to spend one agonizing minute

alone with him.

J.D.

Wed make kaleidoscopes out of

paper towel rolls!

DR. COX

(WHISTLES AGAIN FOR SILENCE)

For the love of God, Newbie, I

dont even find you half as irritating

as Hugh Jackman. I dont think

there is anybody worse than him.

As if on cue, DR. BOB KELSO, the cantankerous chief of

medicine and proverbial thorn in Dr. Coxs side, ENTERS.

DR. COX

Okay, its at least a close race.

DR. KELSO

Ah, good morning, Perry!

DR. COX

Blow it out your ass, Bob. Im notin the mood right now.

DR. KELSO

Charming as always I see. Have you

had a chance to meet with your new

patient?

DR. COX

Tell me something, Bob why does

it have to be me? There are

literally DOZENS of other doctorshere.

DR. KELSO

Come on, Perry, you know we have

a rotation system in place here.

(MORE)


10/21

DR. KELSO (CONTD)

Plus you know as well as I do that

a patient of his status can generate

a lot of publicity for the hospital.

DR. COX

And didnt it occur to you that I

hate him more than anything else?

More than you, even?

DR. KELSO

That was the deciding factor.

As the look of fire begins to form in Dr. Coxs eyes,

TURK AND CARLA EXIT QUICKLY, sensing something bad is

about to happen. J.D. is more or less stranded there.

DR. COX

Look, Bob, if you really decided

to give me a patient because you

know how much I despise him, let

me tell you somethi

DR. KELSO

Perry, what has two thumbs and

STILL doesnt give a crap?

(POINTS TO HIMSELF)

Bob Kelso! I believe weve

met before. I suggest you meetwith your patient.

DR. KELSO EXITS, leaving J.D. alone with a furious Dr.

Cox.

J.D.

You know

Dr. Cox grunts in frustration and EXITS, bumping into

J.D.s shoulder on his way out.

J.D.

I never see that coming.

J.D. EXITS, holding his shoulder.

6 INT. HOSPITAL ROOM DAY

(Carla, Hugh Jackman, Turk, J.D., Janitor)


11/21

Carla is in Hugh Jackmans room, getting information. He

is lying in bed, dressed in a traditional hospital gown.

Carla does not seemed fazed at all by his celebrity as she

fills out his chart.

CARLA

So you were rehearsing for a play

when it happened?

JACKMAN

Out of nowhere. Dont even remember

it happening. I was in the middle of

a routine when I just hit the ground.

CARLA

You seem to be in pretty good shape

right now. But Ill make sure your

doctor takes care of you and gets you

back on stage before you know it.

Around this moment TURK can be seen peeking into the room.

CARLA (CONTD)

Speaking of which, have you seen

Dr. Cox yet?

JACKMAN

He hasnt come by yet.

(GESTURES TOWARDS TURK)Is that him there?

Carla turns and sees Turk, who quickly waves. Carla rolls

her eyes.

TURK

Hey baby!

CARLA

No, thats just my husband.

JACKMAN

Ohseems like a charming fellow.

TURK ENTERS the room and reveals that he has taped tongue

depressors to his hands as if he had claws. Carla sees

this and shakes her head.


12/21

TURK

J.D. and I made Wolverine claws!

CARLA

Yeahcharming. Ill go see if I can

find Dr. Cox.

CARLA EXITS.

JACKMAN

So you arent my doctor?

TURK

Nah, Im a surgeon. Hey, do you think

Wolverine would be good in surgery?

JACKMAN

I honestly couldnt tell you.

TURK

How come Wolverine is able to be in so

many comics at once?

JACKMAN

Um, I guess because hes a mutant?

I dont know, I dont write the comics.

J.D. ENTERS, also wearing Wolverine claws.

JACKMAN

I guess you arent my doctor either.

J.D.

I wish! Itd be like the Weapon X

project!

JACKMAN

Funny. So where is my doctor anyway?

J.D.You mean Dr. Cox still hasnt come by?

(TO TURK) Did you ask him if

Wolverine would be a good surgeon?

TURK

He said he didnt know.


13/21

J.D.

Those claws would probably get in

the way.

JACKMAN

Fellas, look, you both seem like nice

guys, but Id really like to see my

doctor soon. I have a very busy

schedule and need to get back on

stage as soon as possible.

J.D.

You know, I know a really quick way

to find him

TURK

Oh no, please not Floating Head Doctor.

CUT TO:

7 INT. HOSPITAL HALLWAY DAY

In J.D.s fantasy, his head is floating through the

hallways of Sacred Heart in search of Dr. Cox. He will

pass by some of the shows recurring characters before

finally floating into the doctors lounge. He will then

come upon Dr. Cox, who is sitting on the couch reading a

newspaper.

J.D.S FLOATING HEADI found him! BODY!! TO THE LOUNGE!

J.D.s disconnected body will then be shown in another part

of the hospital, and will quickly spring into action to

retrieve Dr. Cox. It will try to run onto an elevator, but

crash into the closed doors and fall into a lump on the

floor.

8 INT. HOSPITAL ROOM CONTINUOUS

BACK TO REALITY. J.D. is coming down from his fantasy asTurk and Hugh Jackman look at him strangely.

J.D.

The body can never figure out elevators.

Jackman

Lovely.


14/21

Turk

Come on, J.D., lets find Dr. Cox.

THEY EXIT in search of Dr. Cox. On the way out they pass

the Janitor, who is on his way into the room. He gives

J.D. a dirty look as they pass each other.

JACKMAN

Im gonna guess you arent Dr. Cox

either.

JANITOR

Nope.

JACKMAN

Figures.

JANITOR

You know, I once had a career in movies

myself.

CUT TO:

9 INT. APARTMENT NIGHT

(J.D., Janitor)

This scene is actually a clip from My Friend the Doctor

an episode in Season 3. In this scene, J.D. is watching

The Fugitive and sees an actor that appears to be theJanitor.

10 INT HOSPITAL ROOM CONTINUOUS

BACK TO REALITY. The Janitor is leaning on his mop and

awaiting Jackmans approval.

JACKMAN

So you were in The Fugitive?

J.D. is shown WALKING BY the room once again, freezing inplace once he hears this.

J.D. (V.O.)

I knewit!!!

J.D. EXITS, continuing his search for Dr. Cox.


15/21

JANITOR

Lets keep that between you and me.

JACKMAN

Sure. Can you just find my doctor?

The Janitor stands up, as if rising to the occasion.

JANITOR

Im on it.

JANITOR EXITS.

11 INT. NURSES STATION DAY

(Carla, Elliot, J.D., Turk, Janitor, Dr. Kelso)

Carla is sitting at a computer, entering patient

information. Elliot is sitting on the counter next to her.

CARLA

I think youre the only one here who

isnt going crazy over the new patient.

ELLIOT

What new patient?

CARLA

How have you not heard already?

ELLIOT

Carla, Ive been having a crazy day. Ive

been puked on twice, had one patient code

on me, and had to disimpact three bowels

because there were no interns around. I

also had one patient tell me I smelled

delicious sometime between the second and

third bowel. Plus all Ive had to eat

all day was half a piece of fruit that I

stole from pediatrics.

CARLA

They dont have fruit in pediatrics.

ELLIOT

So you mean


16/21

CARLA

You ate a wax apple.

ELLIOT

Frick.

J.D. and TURK ENTER, running in frantically.

TURK

Baby, have you seen Dr. Cox?

CARLA

Havent seen him.

J.D.

Where could he be? We need to find

him and bring him to Hugh Jackman!

Elliot jumps down from the counter.

ELLIOT

Hugh Jackman is here?!?!

J.D. (V.O.)

How did she not hear about that?

CARLA

Thats the new patient I was talkingabout.

ELLIOT

Oh my God, Hugh Jackman is so amazing!

Hes so handsome and talented andoh my

God, I have to go meet him!

TURK

Not when you smell like that.

CARLATURK!

TURK

What? She smells like that homeless guy

that sleeps in the MRI machines.

J.D. (V.O.)


17/21

So THATS what that smell is

ELLIOT

(VOLUME, PITCH, AND SPEED INCREASING)

Ive had a very bad day and a lot of

horrible patients and (WORDS BECOME

INDECIPHERABLE AT THIS POINT)

CARLA

Calm down Elliot. Go clean yourself up

and Ill take you to meet Hugh Jackman.

J.D., did you check for Dr. Cox upstairs?

And Turk

TURK

Yes baby?

CARLA

Consider yourself on a full booty

embargo.

Turk begins to pout, and J.D. puts his arm around his

shoulder to console him. Cheesy music plays in the

background.

J.D.

Its ok, Chocolate Bear, J.D.s here

for you.

CARLAYou two are ridiculous.

J.D.

(DEFIANTLY)

Only words, Carla! Only words! Come

on Turk, lets find Dr. Cox!

J.D. pulls TURK away as THEY EXIT.

12 INT. HALLWAY CONTINUOUS

J.D. and Turk continue their walk down the hall when

suddenly they both slip and fall. We then see things from

their point of view on the floor, as the JANITOR stands

over them, mop in hand.

JANITOR

Floors wet.


18/21

TURK

Shouldnt there be a sign?

The Janitor drops a wet floor sign on top of them.

JANITOR

I told Handsome Australian Actor that I

would bring him his doctor. Youre not

getting to him before I do.

DR. KELSO (O.S.)

THERE you are! Ive been looking

everywhere for you.

DR. KELSO ENTERS.

DR. KELSO (CONTD)

Theres a surprise for you in the

third floor bathroom. Heres a hint

its not a pie. I suggest you get to

it immediately.

The Janitor grabs his mop and EXITS.

DR. KELSO (CONTD)

(RE: J.D. and Turk on floor)

And just what are you two doing down there?

J.D.

The floor was wet.

DR. KELSO

Well get up! You two are doctors!

J.D. and Turk get up from the floor and dust themselves

off.

TURKSorry sir, wont happen again.

DR. KELSO

Whatever. I need a vacation.

DR. KELSO EXITS, shaking his head. TURK and J.D. then EXIT

in the opposite direction.


19/21

13 INT. DOCTORS LOUNGE DAY

(Dr. Cox, J.D., Turk, Carla, Harvey Corman, Hugh Jackman,

Elliot)

Dr. Cox is sitting in the lounge with his feet up, watching

TV. J.D. and TURK ENTER.

J.D.

Finally!

DR. COX

Please tell me finally got that peach

fuzz youve been asking for every night.

J.D.

I could grow mutton chops if I wanted to.

J.D. (V.O.)

And have.

DR. COX

Right. So what could you two possibly

want from me?

TURK

Why havent you seen Wolverine yet?

DR. COX

Newsflash Gandhi, Wolverwine isnt real.

Its just a man in there, a horrible,

horrible man.

J.D.

Youve treated patients you didnt like

before.

As if on cue, CARLA ENTERS, pushing HARVEY CORMAN in a

wheelchair into the room. He is an irritatinghypochondriac who is a regular at Sacred Heart, and is in a

hospital gown ready for another one of his regular visits.

CORMAN

Hello, Perry! Gentlemen.

DR. COX


20/21

Carla, please tell me Im just dreaming

and that this really isnt the worst

possible day in my entire life.

CARLA

Oh its real all right.

DR. COX

I can only imagine what disease you

thought up for yourself this time.

CORMAN

I think I have Berylliosis. Ive been

around a lot of fluorescent lights lately.

DR. COX

(PUTTING HIS HANDS BEHIND HIS HEAD)

Carla, bring Mr. Corman to his room.

Ill be right there to check him out.

CARLA

Anything you say.

CARLA and HARVEY EXIT.

TURK

Shouldnt you go to Hugh Jackmans room

first?

J.D. (V.O.)

There are a lot of things that can make

you reconsider where you truly stand.

14 INT. HOSPITAL ROOM - CONTINUOUS

Hugh Jackman is shown in his room as J.D.s narration

continues.

J.D. (V.O. CONTD)

Perhaps its having the man you hatethe most as your patient.

15 INT. HOSPITAL LOCKER ROOM CONTINUOUS

Elliot is seen washing her hair as the narration continues.

J.D. (V.O. CONTD)


21/21

Or maybe its having yet another bad day.

16 INT. DOCTORS LOUNGE CONTINUOUS

Back to the lounge, where J.D. and Turk await Dr. Coxs

answer.

J.D. (V.O. CONTD)

Or maybe its a surprising answer from

the person you respect the most.

DR. COX

Im not going to his room. Now if

youll excuse me, I have some Berylliosis

tests to run.

DR. COX EXITS. J.D. and TURK remain in shock as we

FADE OUT.

“my hero worship”

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