myth-ing persons/little myth marker 2-in-1
TRANSCRIPT
LittleMythMarkerByRobertAsprin
ISBN:0-441-48499-9
Contents
ChapterOne:
ChapterTwo:
ChapterThree:
ChapterFour:
ChapterFive:
ChapterSix:
ChapterSeven:
ChapterEight:
ChapterNine:
ChapterTen:
ChapterEleven:
ChapterTwelve:
ChapterThirteen:
ChapterFourteen:
ChapterFifteen:
ChapterSixteen:
ChapterSeventeen:
ChapterEighteen:
ChapterNineteen:
ChapterTwenty:
ChapterOne:âThedifferencebetweenaninsidestraightandablamedfooliscallinâthelastbet!â
-B.MAVERICK
âCALL!â
âBump.â
âBumpagain.â
âWhoâreyoutryingtokid?Yougotelf-highnothing!â
âTryme!â
âAllright!Raiseyoulimit.â
âCall.â
âCall.â
âElf-highnothingbumpsyoubacklimit.â
âFold.â
âCall.â
Forthoseofyoustartingthisbookatthebeginning(Blessyou!Ihateitwhenreaderscheatbyreadingahead!),thismaybealittleconfusing.Theaboveisthedialogueduringagameofdragonpoker.Whatisdragonpoker,youask?Well,itâsreputedtobethemostcomplicatedcardgameeverinvented...andhereattheBazaaratDeva,theyshouldknow.
TheBazaaristhebiggestshoppingmazeandhagglingspotinallthe
dimensions,andconsequentlygetsalotofdimensiontravelers(demons)passingthrough.Inadditiontotheshops,stalls,andrestaurants(whichreallydoesnâtdojusticetotheextentorvarietyoftheBazaar)thereisathrivinggamblingcommunityinresidencehere.Theyarealwaysonthelookoutforanewgame,particularlyonethatinvolvesbetting,andthemorecomplicatedthebetter.Thebasicphilosophyisthatacomplicatedgameismoreeasilywonbythosewhodevotefulltimetoitsstudythanbythetouristswhohavedabbledinitoraretryingtolearnitasthegamegoeson.Anyway,whenaDeveelbookietellsmethatdragonpokeristhemostcomplicatedcardgameever,Itendtobelievehim.
âFold.â
âCall.â
âOkay,Mr.SkeevetheGrater.Letâsseeyoubeatthis!Dragonsfull!â
Heexposedhisholecardswithaflourishthatborderedonachallenge.Actually,Ihadbeenhopinghewoulddropoutofthehand.Thisparticularindividual(Grunk,Ithinkhisnamewas)waseasilytwoheadstallerthanmeandhadbrightredeyes,caninesalmostaslongasmyforearm,andanastydisposition.Hetendedtospeakinanangryshout,andthefactthathehadbeenlosingsteadilyhadnotmellowedhimintheslightest.
âWell?Câmon!Whathaveyougot?â
Iturnedovermyfourholecards,spreadthemnexttothefivealreadyfaceup,thenleanedbackandsmiled.
âThatâsit?âGrunksaid,craninghisneckandscowlingatmycards.âButthatâsonly...â
âWaitaminute,âtheplayeronhisleftchimedin.âItâsTuesday.Thatmakeshisunicornswild.â
âButitâsamonthwithanâMâinit!âsomeoneelsepipedup.âSohisogreisonlyhalfoffacevalue!â
âButthereâsanevennumberofplayers....â
Itoldyouitwasacomplicatedgame.Thoseofyouwhoknowmefrommy
earlieradventures(blatantplug!)maywonderhowitisIunderstandsuchacomplexsystem.Thatâseasy.Idonât!Ijustbet,thenspreadthecardsandlettheotherplayerssortoutwhowon.
YoumaywonderwhatIwasdoingsittinginonacutthroatgameofdragonpokerwhenIdidnâtevenknowtherules.Well,foronce,Ihaveananswer.Iwasenjoyingmyselfonmyownforachange.
Yousee,eversinceDonBruce,theMobâsfairygodfather,supposedlyhiredmetowatchovertheMobâsinterestsattheBazaarandassignedmetwobodyguards,GuidoandNunzio,Iâverarelyhadamomenttomyself.
Thisweekend,however,mytwowatchdogswereoffmakingtheiryearlyreporttoMobCentral,leavingmetofendformyself.Obviously,beforetheyleft,theymademegivemysolemnpromisetobecareful.Alsoobviously,assoonastheyweregone,Isetouttodojusttheopposite.
EvenasidefromourpercentageoftheMobâstakeattheBazaar,ourmagicbusinesshadbeenbooming,somoneywasnoproblem.IfilchedacouplethousandingoldfrompettycashandwasallsettogoonaspreewhenaninvitationarrivedtositinononeoftheGeekâsdragonpokergamesatthisclub,theEven-Odds.
AsIsaidbefore,Iknowabsolutelynothingaboutdragonpokerotherthanthefactthatattheendofahandyouhavefivecardsfaceupandfourfacedown.
AnythingIâvetriedtogetmypartner,Aahz,toteachmemoreaboutthegame,Iâvebeenlecturedaboutâonlyplayinggamesyouknowâandâdonâtgolookingfortrouble.âSinceIwasalreadylookingformischief,thechancetodefybothmybodyguardsandmypartnerwastoomuchtoresist.Imean,IfiguredtheworstthatcouldhappenwasthatIâdloseacouplethousandingold.Right?
âYouârealloverlookingsomething.Thisistheforty-thirdhandandSkeevethereissittinginachairfacingnorth!â
Itookmycuefromthegroansandbetter-censoredexpressionsofdisgustandrakedinthepot.
âSay,Geek,âGrunksaid,hisredeyesglitteringatmethroughhalf-loweredeyelids.âAreyousurethisSkeevefellowisnâtusingmagic?â
âGuaranteed,ârespondedtheDeveelwhowasgatheringthecardsandshufflingforthenexthand.âAnygameIhosthereattheEven-Oddsismonitoredagainstmagicandtelepathy.â
âWeelll,Idonâtnormallyplaycardswithmagicians,andIâveheardthatSkeevehereissupposedtobeprettygoodinthatdepartment.Maybeheâsgoodenoughthatyoujustcanâtcatchhimatit.â
Iwasstartingtogetalittlenervous.Imean,Iwasnâtusingmagic...andevenifIwasgoingto,Iwouldnâtknowhowtouseittorigacardgame.ThetroublewasthatGrunklookedperfectlycapableoftearingmyarmsoffifhethoughtIwascheating.IbeganrackingmybrainforsomewaytoconvincehimwithoutadmittingtoeveryoneatthetablejusthowlittleIknewaboutmagic.
âRelax,Grunk.Mr.Skeeveâsagoodplayer,thatâsall.Justbecausehewinsdoesnâtmeanheâscheating.â
ThatwasPidge,theonlyotherhuman-typeinthegame.Ishothimagratefulsmile.
âIdonâtmindsomeonewinning,âGrunkmuttereddefensively,âButheâsbeenwinningallnight.â
âIâvelostmorethanyouhave,âPidgesaid,âandyoudonâtseemegriping.IâmtellinâyouMr.Skeeveisgood.IâvesatinongameswiththeKid,andIshouldknow.â
âTheKid?Youâveplayedagainsthim?âGrunkwasvisiblyimpressed.
âAndlostmysocksdoingit,âPidgeadmittedwryly.âIâdsaythatMrSkeevehereisgoodenoughtogivehimarunforhismoney,though.â
âGentlemen?Areweheretotalkortoplaycards?âtheGeekinterrupted,tappingthedeckmeaningfully.
âIâmout,âPidgesaid,risingtohisfeet.âIknowwhenIâmout-classedevenifIhavetogointheholebeforeIâlladmitit.Mymarkerstillgood.Geek?â
âItâsgoodwithmeifnobodyelseobjects.â
Grunknoisilyslammedhisfistdownonthetable,causingseveralofmystacksofchipstofallover.
âWhatâsthisaboutmarkers?âhedemanded.âIthoughtthiswasacash-onlygame!NobodysaidanythingaboutplayingforIOUs.â
âPidgehereâsanexception,âtheGeeksaid.âHeâsalwaysmadegoodonhismarkerbefore.Besides,youdonâthavetoworryaboutit,Grunk.Youarenâtevengettingallofyourmoneyback.â
âYeah.ButIlostitbettingagainstsomebodywhoâsbettingmarkersinsteadofcash.Itseemstome...â
âIâllcoverhismarker,âIsaidloftily.âThatmakesitpersonalbetweenhimandme,soitdoesnâtinvolveanyoneelseatthetable.Right,Geek?â
âThatâsright.Nowshutupandplay,Grunk.Ordoyouwantustodealyouout?â
Themonstergrumbledabitunderhisbreathbutleanedbackandtossedinanotherchiptoanteforthenexthand.
âThanks,Mr.Skeeve,âPidgesaid.âAnddonâtworry.LiketheGeeksays,Ialwaysreclaimmymarker.â
Iwinkedathimandwavedvaguelyasheleft,alreadyintentonthenexthandasItriedvainlytofigureouttherulesofthegame.
Ifmygrandgestureseemedalittleimpulsive,rememberthatIâdbeenwatchinghimplayallnight,andIknewhowmuchhehadlost.EvenifallofitwasonIOUs,Icouldcoveritoutofmywinningsandstillshowaprofit.
Yousee,Grunkwasright.Ihadbeenwinningsteadilyallnight...afactmadedoublysurprisingbymyignoranceofthegame.Earlyon,however,Ihadhitonasystemwhichseemedtobeworkingverywell:Bettheplayers,notthecards.Onthelasthand,IhadnâtbeenbettingthatIhadawinninghand,IwasbettingthatGrunkhadalosinghand.Luckhadbeenagainsthimallnight,andhewasbettingwildtotrytomakeupforhislosses.
Followingmysystem,Ifoldedthenexttwohands,thenhitthemhardonthethird.Mostoftheotherplayersfoldedratherthanquestionmyjudgment.
Grunkstayeduntilthebitterend,hopingIwasbluffing.
ItturnedoutthatIwas(myhandwasnâtallthatstrong),butthathishandwasevenweaker.Anotherstackofchipstumbledintomyhoard.
âThatdoesitforme,âGrunksaid,pushinghisremainingchipstowardtheGeek.âCashmein.â
âMetoo.â
âIshouldhaveleftanhourago.Wouldhavesavedmyselfacouplehundred.â
TheGeekwassuddenlybusyconvertingchipsbacktocashasthegamebrokeup.
Grunkloiteredforafewminutesafterreceivinghisshareofthebank.Nowthatwewerenolongerfacingeachotherovercards,hewassurprisinglypleasant.
âYouknow,Skeeve,âhesaid,clappingamassivehandonmyshoulder,âitâsbeenalongtimesinceIâvebeenwhippedthatbadatdragonpoker.MaybePidgewasright.Youâreslumminghere.YoushouldtryforagamewiththeKid.â
âIwasjustlucky.â
âNo,Iâmserious.IfIknewhowtogetintouchwithhim,Iâdsetupthegamemyself.â
âYouwonâthaveto,âoneoftheotherplayersputinashestartedforthedoor.âOncewordofthisgamegetsaround,theKidwillcomelookingforyou.â
âTrueenough,âGrunklaughedoverhisshoulder.
âReally,Skeeve.Ifthatmatch-uphappens,besuretopassthewordtome.ThatâsagameIâdliketosee.â
âSure,Grunk,âIsaid.âYouâllbeoneofthefirsttoknow.Catchyoulater.â
Actually,mymindwasracingasImademygoodbyes.Thiswasgettingoutofhand.Ihadfiguredononemadcapnightonmyown,thencallingitquitswithoutanyoneelsethewiser.Iftheotherplayersstartedshootingtheirmouthsoffall
overtheBazaar,therewouldbenohopeofkeepingmyeveningâsadventureasecret...particularlyfromAahz!TheonlythingthatwouldbeworsewouldbeifIendedupwithsomehotshotgamblerhuntingmedownforachallengematch.
âSay,Geek,âIsaid,tryingtomakeitsoundcasual.
âWhoisthisâKidâtheykeeptalkingabout?â
TheDeveelalmostlosthisgriponthestackofchipshewascounting.Hegavemealongstare,thenshrugged.
âYouknow,Skeeve,sometimesIdonâtknowwhenyouârekiddingmeandwhenyouâreserious.Ikeepforgettingthatassuccessfulasyouare,youârestillnewtotheBazaar...andtogamblingspecifically.â
âTerrific.WhoâstheâKidâ?â
âTheKidâsthecurrentkingofthedragonpokercircuit.Histrademarkisthathealwaysincludesabreathmintwithhisopeningbetforeachhand...saysthatitbringshimluck.ThatâswhytheycallhimtheâSen-SenAnteKid.âIâdadviseyoutostayawayfromhim,though.Youhadagoodruntonight,buttheKidisthebestthereis.Heâdeatyoualiveinahead-to-headgame.â
âIhearthat.âIlaughed.âIwasonlycurious.Really.JustcashmeinandIâllbeonmyway.â
TheGeekgesturedatthestacksofcoinsonthetable.
âWhatâstocash?âhesaid.âIpulledmineoutthesametimeIcashedtheothersâout.Therestisyours.â
Ilookedatthemoneyandswallowedhard.ForthefirsttimeIcouldunderstandwhysomepeoplefoundgamblingsoaddictive.Therewaseasilytwentythousandingoldweighingdownthetable.Allmine.Fromonenightofcards!
âUrn...Geek?Couldyouholdontomywinningsforme?Iâmnotwildabouttheideaofwalkingaroundwiththatmuchgoldonme.Icandropbackbylaterwithmybodyguardstopickitup.â
âSuityourself,âtheGeekshrugged.âIcanâtthinkofanyoneattheBazaarwho
wouldhavenerveenoughtojumpyou,withyourreputation.Still,youmightrunintoastranger....â
âFine,âIsaid,headingforthedoor.âThenIâllbe...â
âWaitaminute!Arenâtyouforgettingsomething?â
âWhatâsthat?â
âPidgeâsmarker.HangonandIâllgetit.â
HedisappearedbeforeIcouldprotest,soIleanedagainstthewalltowait.Ihadforgottenaboutthemarker,buttheGeekwasagamblerandadheredmorereligiouslytotheunwrittenlawsofgamblingthanmostfolksobeyedcivillaw.Iâdjusthavetohumorhimand...
âHereâsthemarker,Skeeve,âtheDeveelannounced.âMarkiethisisSkeeve.â
Ijustgapedathim,unabletospeak.Actually,Igapedatthelittleblond-headedmoppethewasleadingbythehand.Thatâsright.Agirl.Nineortenyearsoldatthemost.
Iexperiencedanall-too-familiarsinkingfeelinginmystomachthatmeantIwasintrouble...lotsofit.
ChapterTwo:âKids?Whosaidanythingaboutkids?â
-CONAN
THElittlegirllookedatmethrougheyesthatglowedwithtrustandlove.Shebarelystoodtallerthanmywaistandhadthatwholesome,healthyglowthatyounggirlsareallsupposedtohavebutsofewactuallydo.
Withherlittleberetandmatchingjumper,shelookedsomuchlikeanoversizeddollthatIwonderedifsheâdsayâMamaâifyouturnedherupsidedown,thenright-sideupagain.
Shewassoadorablethatitwasobviousthatanyonewithadropofpaternalinstinctwouldfallinlovewithheronsight.Fortunately,mypartnerhadtrainedmewell;anyinstinctsIhadwereofamoremonetarynature.
âWhatâsthat?âIdemanded.
âItâsalittlegirl,âtheGeekresponded.âHavenâtyoueverseenonebefore?â
Foraminute,IthoughtIwasbeingbaited.ThenIrememberedsomeofmyearliestconversationswithAahzandcontrolledmytemper.
âIrealizethatitâsalittlegirl,Geek,âIsaidcarefully.âWhatIwasreallytryingtoaskis-a)whoisshe?-b)whatisshedoinghere?and-c)whathasthisgottodowithPidgeâsmarker?DoImakemyselfclear?â
TheDeveelblinkedhiseyesinbewilderment.
âButIjusttoldyou.HernameisMarkie.SheâsPidgeâsmarker...youknow,theoneyousaidyouwouldcoverpersonally?â
Mystomachbottomedout.
âGeek,weweretalkingaboutapieceofpaper.Youknow,âIOU,etc.â?Amarker!Wholeavesalittlegirlforamarker?â
âPidgedoes.Alwayshas.Câmon,Skeeve.Youknowme.WouldIgiveanyonecreditforapieceofpaper?IgivePidgecreditonMarkieherebecauseIknowheâllbebacktoreclaimher.â
âRight.Yougivehimcredit.Idonâtdealinlittlegirls.Geek.â
âYoudonow,âhesmiled.âEveryoneatthetableheardyousayso.IâlladmitIwasalittlesurprisedatthetime.â
â...ButnotsurprisedenoughtowarnmeaboutwhatIwasbuyinginto.Thanksalot,Geekoldpal.Iâlltrytoremembertoreturnthefavorsomeday.â
Incaseyoudidnâtnotice,thatlastpartwasanopenthreat.Ashasbeennoted,IâvebeengettingquiteareputationaroundtheBazaarasamagician,andIdidnâtreallythinktheGeekwantedtobeonmybadside.
Okay.Soitwasarottentrick.Iwasgettingdesperate.
âWhoa.Holdit,âtheDeveelsaidquickly.âNoreasontogetupset.Ifyoudonâtwanther,Iâllgiveyoucashtocoverthemarkerandkeephermyself...â
âThatâsbetter.â
â...attheusualterms,ofcourse.â
IknewIwasbeingsuckered.Knewit,mindyou.ButIhadtoaskanyway.
âWhatterms?â
âIfPidgedoesnâtreclaimherintwoweeks,Isellherintoslaveryforenoughmoneytocoverherfatherâslosses.â
Checkandmate.
IlookedatMarkie.ShewasstillholdingtheGeekâshand,listeningsolemnlywhilewearguedoutherfate.
Asoureyesmet,shesaidherfirstwordssinceshehadenteredtheroom.
âAreyougoingtobemynewdaddy?â
Iswallowedhard.
âNo,Iâmnotyourdaddy,Markie.Ijust...â
âOh,Iknow.Itâsjustthateverytimemyrealdaddyleavesmewithsomeone,hetellsmethattheyâregoingtobemypretenddaddyforawhile.Iâmsupposedtomindthemanddowhattheytellmejustasiftheyweremyrealdaddyuntilmyrealdaddycomestogetme.Ijustwantedtoknowifyouweregoingtobemynewpretenddaddy?â
âUmmm...â
âIhopeso.Youârenice.Notlikesomeofthescumbagsheâsleftmewith.Willyoubemynewdaddy?â
Withthat,shereachedoutandtookholdofmyhand.
Asmallthrillranthroughmelikeanautumnshiver.Shewassovulnerable,sotrusting.Ihadbeenonmyownforalongtime,firstalone,thenapprenticedtoGarkin,andfinallyteamedwithAahz.Inallthattime,Ihadneverreallybeenresponsibleforanotherperson.Itwasafunnyfeeling,scaryandwarmingatthesametime.
ItoremyeyesawayfromherandglaredattheGeekagain.
âSlaveryâsoutlawedhereattheBazaar.â
TheDeveelshrugged.âThereareotherdimensions.Asamatteroffact,Iâvehadastandingofferforherforseveralyears.ThatâswhyIâvebeenwillingtoacceptherascollateral.Icouldmakeenoughtocoverthebet,thecostofthefoodsheâseatenovertheyears,andstillturnatidyprofit.â
âThatâsaboutthelowest...â
âHey!ThenameâsâtheGeek,ânotâtheRedCrossâ!Idonâtdocharity.Folkscometometobet,notforhandouts.â
IhavenâtthrownapunchatanyonesinceIstartedpracticingmagic,butIwas
sorelytemptedtobreakthatrecordjustthisone.Instead,Iturnedtothelittlegirl.
âGetyourthings,Markie.Daddyâstakingyoutoyournewhome.â
MypartnerandIwerecurrentlybasingouroperationsattheBazaaratDeva,whichisthehomedimensionoftheDeveels.Deevelsarereputedtobethesharpestmerchants,traders,andhagglersinalltheknowndimensions.Youmayhaveheardoftheminvariousfolktalesinyourownhomedimension.Theirfamelingersevenindimensionstheyhavelongsincestoppedtradingin.
TheBazaaristheshowcaseofDeva...infact,IâveneverseenapartofDevathatwasnâttheBazaar.HeretheDeveelsmeettotradewitheachother,buyingandsellingthechoicestmagicsandmiraclesfromallthedimensions.Itâsanaround-the-clock,over-the-horizonsprawloftents,shops,andbarterblanketswhereyoucanacquireanythingyourimaginationcanconjureaswellasalotofthingsyouneverdreamedexisted...foraprice.Manyinventorsandreligiousfigureshavebuilttheirentirecareerfromitemspurchasedinonetriptothebazaar.Needlesstosay,itisdevastatingtotheaveragebudget...eveniftheholderofthepursestringshasabove-averagesalesresistance.
NormallyIenjoystrollingthroughthebooths,buttonight,withMarkiebesideme,Iwastoodistractedtoconcentrateonthedisplays.Itoccurredtomethat,funasitisforadults,theBazaarisnoplacetoraiseachild.
âWillwebelivingbyourselves,ordoyouhaveagirlfriend?â
MarkiewasclingingtomyhandaswemadeourwaythroughtheBazaar.Thewondersofthestallsandshopsdispensingmagicreachedouttousastheyalwaysdo,butshewasoblivioustothem,choosinginsteadtoplymewithquestionsandhangingonmyeveryword.
ââNoâstobothquestions.Tanandaliveswithme,butsheisnâtmygirlfriend.Sheâsafree-lanceassassinwhohelpsmeoutonjobsfromtimetotime.ThenthereâsChumley,herbrother.HeâsatrollwhoworksunderthenameofCrunch.Youâlllikethem.Theyârenice...inalotofwaystheyârenicerthanIam.â
Markiebitherlipandfrowned.âIhopeyouâreright.Iâvefoundthatalotofnicepeopledonâtlikelittlekids.â
âDonâtworry,âIsaid,withmoreconfidencethanIfelt.âButIâmnotdoneyet.ThereâsalsoGuidoandNunzio,mybodyguards.Theymayseemalittlegruff,butdonâtletthemscareyou.Theyjustacttoughbecauseitâspartoftheirjob.â
âGee.Iâveneverhadadaddywhohadbodyguardsbefore.â
âThatâsnotall.WealsohaveButtercup,whoâsawarunicorn,andGleep,whoâsmyveryownpetdragon.â
âOh,lotsofpeoplehavedragons.Iâmmoreimpressedbythebodyguards.â
Thattookmeabackalittle.Iâdalwaysthoughtthathavingadragonwasratherunique.Imean,nobodyelseIknewhadadragon.Thenagain,nobodyelseIknewhadbodyguards,either.
âLetâssee,âMarkiewassaying.âThereâsTananda,Chumley.Guido,Nunzio,Buttercup,andGleep.Isthatall?â
âWell,thereâsalsoMassha.Sheâsmyapprentice.â
âMassha.Thatâsaprettyname.â
Now,therearelotsofwordstodescribemyapprentice,butunfortunatelyâprettyâisnâtoneofthem.
Masshaishuge,bothinheightandbreadth.Therearelargepeoplewhostillmanagetolookattractive,butmyapprenticeisnâtoneofthem.Shetendstowardloud,colorfulclotheswhichinvariablyclashwithherbrightorangehair,andwearsenoughjewelryforthreestores.
Infact,thelasttimeshegotintoafighthereattheBazaarwaswhenanearsightedshoppermistookherforadisplaytent.
âAahh...youâlljusthavetomeether.Butyouâreright.Masshaisaprettyname.â
âGee,youâvegotalotofpeoplelivingwithyou.â
âWell...umm...thereisonemore.â
âWhoâsthat?â
âHisnameisAahz.Heâsmypartner.â
âIshenice,too?â
Iwastornbetweenloyaltyandhonesty.
âHe...aah...takesgettingusedto.RememberhowItoldyounottobescaredofthebodyguardseveniftheywerealittlegruff?â
âYes.â
âWell,itâsallrighttobescaredofAahz.Hegetsalittleupsetfromtimetotime,anduntilhecoolsdownitâsbesttogivehimalotofroomandnotleaveanythingbreakable-likeyourarm-withinhisreach.â
âWhatgetshimupset?â
âOh,theweather,losingmoney,notmakingmoney...whichtohimisthesameaslosingmoney,anyoneofahundredthingsthatIsay...andyou!Iâmafraidheâsgoingtobealittleupsetwhenhemeetsyou.sostaybehindmeuntilIgethimcalmeddown.Okay?â
âWhywouldhebeupsetwithme?â
âYouâregoingtobeasurprisetohim,andhedoesnâtlikesurprises.Yousee,heâsaverysuspiciouspersonandtendstothinkofasurpriseasapartofanunknownplotagainsthim...orme.â
Markielapsedintosilence.Herblowfurrowedasshestaredoffintonothingness,anditoccurredtomethatIwasscaringher.
âHey,donâtworry,âIsaid,squeezingherhand.âAahzwillbeokayoncehegetsoverbeingsurprised.Nowtellmeaboutyourself.Doyougotoschool?â
âYes.IâmhalfwaythroughElementalSchool.Iâdbefurtherifwedidnâtkeepmovingaround.â
âDonâtyoumeanElementarySchool?âIsmiled.
âNo.Imean...â
âWhoops.Hereweare.Thisisyournewhome,Markie.â
Igesturedgrandlyatthesmalltentthatwasourcombinationhomeandheadquarters.
âIsnâtitalittlesmallforallthosepeople?âshefrowned,staringatthetent.
âItâsbiggerinsidethanitisoutside,âIexplained.âCâmon.Iâllshowyou.â
IraisedtheflapforherandimmediatelywishedIhadnât.
âWaitâllIgetmyhandsonhim!âcameAahzâsboomingvoicefromwithin.âAfterallthetimesIâvetoldhimtostayawayfromdragonpoker!â
ItoccurredtomethatmaybeweshouldwaitforawhilebeforeintroducingMarkietomypartner.Istartedtoeasetheflapdown,butitwastoolate.
âIsthatyou,partner?Iâdliketohavealittlechat,ifyoudonâtmind!â
âRemember.Staybehindme,âIwhisperedtoMarkie,thenproceededtowalkintothelionâsden.
ChapterThree:âIâmdoingthisforyourowngood!â
-ANYESTABLISHMENTEXECUTIONER...ORANYPARENT
AsItoldMarkie,ourplaceattheBazaarwasbiggerontheinsidethanontheoutside...lotsbigger!Iâvebeeninsmallerpalaces...heck,Iâvelivedandworkedinsmallerpalacesthanourcurrentdomicile.BackwhenIwascourtmagicianatPossletum,tobeexact.
HereattheBazaar,theDeveelsthinkthatanydisplayofwealthwillweakentheirpositionwhentheyhaggleoverprices,sotheyhidethesizeoftheirhomesbytuckingthemintoâunlisteddimensions.âEventhoughourhomelookedlikejustahumbletentfromthestreet,theinsideincludedmultiplebedrooms,astablearea,acourtyardandgarden,etc.,etc.Yougetthepicture.
Unfortunatelyforme,atthemomentitalsoincludedmypartner,Aahz.
âWell,ifitisnâttheBazaarâsownanswertoWar,Famine,Death,andPestilence!OtherdimensionshavetheFourHorsemen,buttheBazaaratDevahastheGreatSkeeve!â
Remembermypartner,Aahz?ImentionedhimbackinChapterOneandagaininChapterTwo.Mostofmyeffortstodescribehimfailtopreparepeoplefortherealthing.WhatIusuallyforgettomentiontofolksisthatheâsfromthedimensionPerv.Forthoseofyouunfamiliarwithdimensiontravel,thatmeansheisgreenandscalywithamouthbigenoughforanyotherthreebeingsandteethenoughforaschoolofsharks...ifsharkâsteethgottobefourincheslong,thatis.Idonâtdeliberatelyomitthingsfrommydescriptions.ItâsjustthatafteralltheseyearsIâvegottenusedtohim.
âHaveyougotanythingatalltosayforyourself?Notthatthereâsanyacceptableexcuse,mindyou.Itâsjustthattraditionallowsyouafewlastwords.â
Well...Iâvealmostgottenusedtohim.
âHi,Aahz.Haveyouheardaboutthecardgame?â
âAbouttwohoursago,âMasshasuppliedfromanearbychairwhereshewasentrenchedwithabookandahugeboxofchocolates.âHeâsbeenlikethiseversince.â
âIseeyouâvedoneyourusualmarvelousjobofcalminghimdown.â
âIâmjustanapprenticearoundhere,âshesaidwithashrug.âGettingbetweenyoutwoinaquarrelisnotpartofmygameplanforalongandprosperouslife.â
âIfyoutwoarequitethrough,âAahzgrowled,âIâmstillwaitingtohearwhatyouhavetosayforyourself.â
âWhatâstosay?Isatinonagameofdragonpoker....â
âWHOâSBEENTEACHINGYOUTOPLAYDRAGONPOKER?Thatâswhatthereistosay!WasitTananda?Chumley?Howcomeyouâregoingtootherpeopleforlessonsallofasudden?ArenâtIgoodenoughfortheGreatSkeeveanymore?â
Thetruthofthesituationsuddenlydawnedonme.
AahzwasmyteacherbeforeheinsistedthatIbeelevatedtofullpartnerstatus.Eventhoughweweretheoreticallyequals,oldhabitsdiehardandhestillconsideredhimselftobemyexclusiveteacher,mentor,coach,andall-aroundnudge.Whattherealproblemwasthatmypartnerwasjealousofsomeoneelsehorninginonwhathefeltwashisprivatestudent!
PerhapsthisproblemwouldbeeasiertodealwiththanIthought.
âNooneelsehasbeenteachingme,Aahz.EverythingIknowaboutdragonpoker,Ilearnedfromyou.â
âButIhavenâttaughtyouanything.â
âExactly.â
Thatstoppedhim.Atleast,ithaltedhispacingasheturnedtopeersuspiciouslyatmewithhisyelloweyes.
âYoumeanyoudonâtknowanythingatallaboutdragonpoker?â
âWell,fromlisteningtoyoutalk,Iknowabouthowmanycardsaredealtoutandstufflikethat.Istillhavenâtfiguredoutwhatthevarioushandsare,muchlesstheirorder...youknow,whatbeatswhat.â
âIknow,âmypartnersaidpointedly.âWhatIdonâtknowiswhyyoudecidedtositinonagameyoudonâtknowthefirstthingabout.â
âTheGeeksentmeaninvitation,andIthoughtitwouldbesociableto...â
âTheGeek?YousatinatoneoftheGeekâsgamesattheEven-Oddstobesociable?âHewasoffagain.
âDonâtyouknowthatthosearesomeofthemostcutthroatgamesattheBazaar?Theyeatamateursaliveatthosetables.Andyouwenttheretobesociable?â
âSure.IfiguredtheworsethatcouldhappenwouldbethatIlostalittlemoney.Thewaythingshavebeengoing,wecanaffordit.Besides,whoknows,Imightgetlucky.â
âLucky?NowIknowyoudonâtknowanythingaboutdragonpoker.Itâsagameofskill,notluck.Allyoucoulddowasthrowyourmoneyaway...moneyweâvebothriskedourlivesfor,Imightadd.â
âYes,Aahz.â
âAndbesides,oneofthefirstthingsyoulearnplayinganykindofpokeristhatthesurestwaytoloseistogoinexpectingtolose.â
âYes,Aahz.â
Outofdesperation,Iwasretreatingbehindmystrongestdefense.Iwasagreeingwitheverythinghesaid.EvenAahzhastroublestayingmadatsomeonewhoâsagreeingwithhim.
âWell,whatâsdoneisdoneandalltheshoutingintheworldwonâtchangeit.I
justhopeyouâvelearnedyourlesson.Howmuchdiditcostyou,anyway?â
âIwon.â
âOkay.Justtoshowyouthereârenohardfeelings,weâllsplitit.Inawayitâsmyfault.Ishouldhavetaughtyou...â
Therewasasuddenstillnessintheroom.EvenMasshahadstoppedwithabonbonhalfwaytohermouth.Veryslowly,Aahzturnedtofaceme.
âYouknow,Skeeve,foraminutethere,Ithoughtyousaid...â
âIwon,âIrepeated,tryingdesperatelynottosmile.
âYouwon.Asinâbetterthanbrokeevenâwon?â
âAsinâtwentythousandingoldplusâwon,âIcorrected.
âButifyoudidnâtknowhowthegamewasplayed,howcouldyou...â
âIjustbetthepeople,notthecards.Itseemedtoworkoutprettywell.â
Iwasinmyglorynow.ItwasararetimeindeedthatImanagedtoimpressmypartner,andIwasgoingtomilkitforallitwasworth.
âButthatâscrazy!âAahzscowled.âImean,itcouldworkforawhile,butinthelongrun...â
âHewasgreat!âMarkieannounced,emergingfrombehindme.âYoushouldhaveseenit.Hebeateverybody.â
Myâgloryâcametumblingdownaroundmyears.
WithonehandIshovedMarkiebackbehindmeandbracedfortheexplosion.WhatIreallywantedtodowasrunforcover,butthatwouldhaveleftMarkiealoneintheopen,soIsettledforclosingmyeyes.
Nothinghappened.
Afterafewmoments,Icouldnâtstandthesuspenseanymoreandopenedoneeyetosneakapeek.TheviewIwastreatedtowasanextremeclose-upofoneof
Aahzâsyelloweyes.Hewasstandingnosetonosewithme,apparentlywaitinguntilIwasreadybeforelaunchingintohistirade.Itwasobviousthathewasready.Thegoldflecksinhiseyeswereshimmeringasiftheywereabouttoboil...andforallIknew,theywere.
âWho...is...that?â
IdecidedagainsttryingtoplaydumbandsayâWhoiswhat?âAttherangehewasstanding,Aahzwouldhavebittenmyheadoff...literally!
âUmm...rememberIsaidthatIwontwentythousandplus?Well,sheâstheplus.â
âYOUWONAKIDINACARDGAME!?!!â
Theforceofmypartnerâsvoiceactuallyknockedmebacktwosteps.IprobablywouldhavegonefartherifIhadnâtbumpedagainstMarkie.
âAREYOUOUTOFYOURMIND??DONâTYOUKNOWTHEPENALTYFORSLAVERYIS...â
Hedisappearedinmid-sentencebehindawalloffleshandtastelesscolor.Despiteherearlierclaimsofvaluingself-preservation,Masshahadsteppedbetweenus.
âJustcooldownaminute.GreenandScaly.â
Aahztriedtogetaroundher.
âBUTHEJUST...â
Shetookahalfstepsidewaysandblockedhimbyleaningagainstthewall.
âGivehimachancetoexplain.Heisyourpartner,isnâthe?â
Fromthesoundofhisvoice,Aahzreversedhisfieldandtriedfortheotherside.
âBUTHE...â
Masshatooktwostepsandleanedagainsttheotherwall,allthewhiletalkingasifshewasnâtbeinginterrupted.
âNoweitherheâsanidiot...whichheisnât,oryouârealousyteacher...whichyouarenât,orthereâsmoretothisthanmeetstheeye.Hmmm?â
Therewereseveralmomentsofsilence,thenAahzspokeagaininavoicemuchmoresubdued.
âAllright,partner.Letâshearit.â
MassharelinquishedherspotandIcouldseeAahzagain...thoughIalmostwishedIcouldnât.Hewasbreathinghard,butwhetherfromangerorfromtheexertionoftryingtogetaroundMasshaIcouldnâttell.Icouldhearthescalesonhisfingersraspasheclenchedandunclenchedhisfists,andIknewthatIâdbettertellmystoryfastbeforehelostcontrolagain.
âIdidnâtwinher,âIsaidhastily.âIwonherfatherâsmarker.Sheâsourguaranteethatheâllcomebackandmakehislossesgood.â
Aahzstoppedmakingwiththefists,andapuzzledfrowncreasedhisfeatures.
âAmarker?Idonâtgetit.TheGeekâsgamesarealwaysonacash-and-carrybasis.â
âWell,heseemstohavemadeanexceptioninPidgeâscase.â
âPidge?â
âThatâsmydaddy,âMarkieannounced,steppingfrombehindmeagain.âItâsshortforPigeon.Helosesalot...thatâswhyeveryoneisalwayssohappytolethimsitinonagame.â
âCutekid,âAahzsaiddryly.âItalsomightexplainwhyyoudidsowellinthegametonight.Onescrewballcanchangethepaceofanentiregame.Still,whentheGeekdoestakemarkers,heusuallypaysthewinnersincashandhandlesthecollectinghimself.â
âHewaswillingtodothat.â
âThenwhy...â
â...andifMarkieâsfatherdidnâtshowupintwoweeks,hewasgoingtotakeher
off-dimensionandsellherintoslaveryhimselftoraisethemoney.â
Fromherchair.Masshagavealowwhistle.
âSweetguy,thisGeek.â
âHeâsaDeveel.âAahzwavedabsently,asifthestatementexplainedeverything.âOkay,okay.IcanseewhereyoufeltyouhadtoacceptcustodyofthekidhereinsteadofleavingherwiththeGeek.Justanswermeonequestion.â
âWhatâsthat?â
âWhatdowedowithherifherfatherdoesnâtshowup?â
SometimesIlikeitbetterwhenAahzisrantingthanwhenheâsthinking.
âAahh...Iâmstillworkingonthatone.â
âTerrific.Well,whenyoucomeupwithananswer,letmeknow.IthinkIâllstayinmyroomuntilthiswholethingblowsover.â
Withthathestrodeoutoftheroom,leavingMasshaandmetodealwithMarkie.
âCheerup.HotStuff,âmyapprenticesaid.âKidsarenâtallthatmuchofaproblem.Hey,Markie.Wouldyoulikeapieceofchocolate?â
âNo,thankyou.Itmightmakemefatanduglylikeyou.â
Iwinced.Upuntilnow,MasshahadbeenmyallyonthesubjectofMarkie,butthismightchangeeverything.Shewasverysensitiveaboutherweight,somostofustendedtoavoidanymentionofit.Infact,IhadgottensousedtoherappearancethatItendedtoforgethowshelookedtoanyonewhodidnâtknowher.
âMarkie!âIaidsternly.âThatwasnâtaverynicethingtosay.â
âButitâstrue!âshecountered,turningherinnocenteyesonme.
âThatâswhyitâsnotnice,âMasshalaughed,thoughInoticedhersmilewasalittleforced.âCâmon,Markie.Letâshitthepantryandtrytofindyousomethingtoeat...somethinglow-calorie.â
Thetwoofthemtroopedout,leavingmealonewithmythoughts.Aahzhadraisedagoodquestion.WhatwerewegoingtodoifMarkieâsfatherdidnâtcomeback?Ihadneverbeenaroundkidsbefore.Iknewthathavingheraroundwouldcauseproblems,buthowmanyproblems?Witheverythingelsewehadhandledasateam,surelyAahzandIcouldhandlealittlegirl.Ofcourse,Aahzwas...
âThereyouare.Boss!Good.Iwashopinâyouwerestillup.â
Iclearedmymindtofindoneofmybodyguardsenteringtheroom.
âOh.Hi,Guido.Howdidthereportgo?â
âCouldnâtbebetter.Infact,DonBrucewassohappyhesentyoualittlepresent.â
Inspiteofmyworries,Icouldnâthelpsmiling.Atleastsomethingwasgoingright.
âThatâsgreat,âIsaid.âIcouldusealittlecheeringupjustnow.â
âThenIâvegotjustthething.Hey,Nunzio!Bringherinhere!â
Mysmilefroze.Itrieddesperatelynottopanic.Afterall,Ireasoned,peoplerefertoalotofthingsasâher.â
Boats,forexample,oreven...
âBoss,thisisBunny.DonBrucesendsherwithhiscomplimentsonajobwelldone.Sheâsgoingtobeyourmoll.â
Thegirltheywereescortingintotheroomborenoresemblanceatalltoaboat.
ChapterFour:âAdollisadollisadoll.â
-F.SlNATRA
BUNNYwasatop-heavylittleredheadwithherhairinapixiecutandavacantstareazombiewouldenvy.Shewasvigorouslychewingsomethingassherubbernecked,tryingtotakeintheentireroomatonce.
âGee.Thisisquiteaplaceyouguysâsgothere.ItâsalotnicerthanthelastplaceIwasat,yaknow?â
âThisisjustthewaitinâroom,âNunziosaidwithpride.âWaitâllyouseetherestofthelayout.ItâsbiggerânanyhangoutIâveeverworked,knowwhatImean?â
âWhatâsamatterwithyoutwo?âGuidobarked.
âAinâtyagotnomanners?Firstthingsfirst.Bunny,thisistheBoss.Heâstheoneyouâregoinâtobeworkinâunder.â
Bunnyadvancedtowardmeholdingoutherhand.
Fromthewayherbodymovedunderhertight-fittingclothes,therewaslittledoubtwhatshewaswearingunderthem...ornotwearing,asthecasemaybe.
âPleasedtameetcha.Boss.Thepleasureâsmutual,âshesaidbrightly.
Foronce,Iknewexactlywhattosay.
âNo.â
Shestopped,thenturnedtowardGuidowithafrown.
âHemeansnottocallhimâBossâuntilyougettoknowhim,âmybodyguardassuredher.âAroundhereheâsjustknownasSkeeve.â
âGotcha,âshewinked.âOkay,Skeeve...yaknow,thatâskindacute.â
âNo,âIrepeated.
âOkay.Soitâsnotcute.Whateveryousay.YouâretheBoss.â
âNO!â
âBut...â
IignoredherandturneddirectlytoGuido.
âHaveyoulostyourmarbles?Whatareyoudoingbringingherinherelikethis?â
âLikeIsaid.Boss,sheâsapresentfromDonBruce.â
âGuido,lotsofpeoplegiveeachotherpresents.Presentslikenecktiesandbooks...notgirls!â
Mybodyguardshruggedhisshouldershelplessly.âSoDonBruceainâtlotsofpeople.Heâstheonewhoassignedustoyouinthefirstplace,andhesaysthatsomeonewithyourstandinâintheMobshouldhaveamoll.â
âGuido...letâstalk.Excuseusaminute.Bunny.â
Islippedanarmaroundmybodyguardâsshouldersanddrewhimoffintoacorner.ThatmaysoundeasyuntilyourealizeIhadtoreachuptogettohisshoulders.BothGuidoandNunzioareconsiderablylargerthanme.
âNowlook,Guido,âIsaid.âRememberwhenIexplainedoursetuptoyou?â
âSure,Boss.â
âWell,letâswalkthroughitagain.DonBrucehiredAahzandmeonanon-exclusivebasistowatchovertheMobâsinterestshereattheBazaar.Now,hedidthatbecausetheordinarymethodsheemployswerenâtworking...Right?â
âActually,hehiredyouandincludedyourpartner.Exceptforthat...right.â
âWhatever.WealsoexplainedtoyouthatthereasontheMobâsusualmethods
werenâtworkingwasthattheBazaarmerchantshadhiredustochasetheMobout.Remember?â
âYea.Thatwasreallyasurprisewhenyoutoldus.Youreallyhadusgoinâ,knowwhatImean?â
âNowthatbringsustothepresent.ThemoneyweârecollectingfromtheBazaarmerchantsandpassingontoDonBruce,themoneyhethinkstheyârepayingtheMobforprotection,isactuallybeingpaidtoustokeeptheMobawayfromtheBazaar.Getit?â
âGotit.â
âGood.Then,understandingthesituationasyoudo,youcanseewhyIdonâtwantamolloranyoneelsefromtheMobhangingaround.IfwordgetsbacktoDonBrucethatweâreflim-flamminghim,itâllreopenthewholekettleofworms.Thatâswhyyouâvegottogetridofher.â
Guidonoddedvigorously.âNo,âhesaid.
âThenallyouhaveto...whatdoyoumean,ânoâ?DoIhavetoexplainitalltoyouagain?â
Mybodyguardheavedagreatsigh.
âIunderstandthesituation,Boss.ButIdonâtthinkyoudo.Allowmetocontinuewhereyouleftoff.â
âButI...â
âNow,whateveryouare,DonBruceconsidersyoutobeaminorchieftainintheMobrunningaprofitableoperation.Right?â
âWell...â
âAssuch,youareentitledtoanicehouse,whichyouhave,acoupleofbodyguards,whichyouhave,andamoll,whichyoudonâthave.ThesethingsarenecessaryinDonBruceâseyesiftheMobistomaintainitspublicimageofrewardingsuccessfulmembers...justasitfindsitnecessarytoexpressitsdispleasureatmemberswhofail.Followme?â
âPublicimage,âIsaidweakly.
âSoitisintheinterestsoftheMobthatDonBrucehasprovidedyouwithwhatyouhavefailedtoprovideyourself...namely:amoll.Ifyoudonotlikethisone,wecantakeherbackandgetanother,butamollyoumusthaveifwearetocontinueinourexistingcarefreemanner.Otherwise...âHepauseddramatically.
âOtherwise...?âIprompted.
âIfyoudonotmaintaintheappearanceofasuccessfulMobmember,DonBrucewillbeforcedtodealwithyouasifyouwereunsuccessful...knowwhatImean?â
Isuddenlyfelttheneedtomassagemyforehead.âTerrific.â
âMysentimentsexactly.Underthecircumstances,however,Ithoughtitwisesttoaccepthisgiftinyournameandhopethatyoucouldfindanamicablesolutiontoourdilemmaatalaterdate.â
âIsupposeyouâre...Hey!Waitaminute.WealreadyhaveMasshaandTanandainresidence.Wonâttheydo?â
Guidogavehissighagain.âThispossibilitydidindeedoccurtomeaswell.ThenIsaidtomyself:âGuido,doyoureallywanttobetheonetohangthelabelofmolloneitherMasshaorTananda,knowingthoseladiesasyoudo?EvenifitwillonlybebanteredaroundtheMob?âViewedinthatlight,itwasmydecisiontogoalongwithDonBruceâsproposalandleaveittoyoutomakethefinaldecision...Boss.â
Ishotasharpglanceathimforthatlasttouchofsarcasm.Despitehisaffectedspeechpatternsandpseudo-pompousexplanations,IoccasionallyhadtheimpressionthatGuidowasfarmoreintelligentthanheleton.Atthemoment,however,hisfacewasastudyininnocence,soIletitride.
âIseewhatyoumean,Guido.IfeitherMasshaorTanandaaregoingtobeknownasâmolls,âIâdratheritwastheirchoice,notmine.Untilthen,Iguessweârestuckwith...whatâshername?Bunny?Doesshewigglehernoseorsomething?â
Guidoglancedacrosstheroomattheothertwo,thenloweredhisvoice
conspiratorially.âJustbetweenyouandme,Boss,IthinkyouwouldbewelladvisedtoacceptthisparticularmollthatDonBrucehaspersonallyselectedtosend.KnowwhatImean?â
âNo,Idonât.âIgrimaced.âExcuseme,Guido,butthemindâsworkingalittleslowjustnow.Ifyouâretryingtotellmesomething,youâregoingtohavetospellitout.â
âWell,Ididalittlecheckinâaround,anditseemsthatBunnyhereisDonBruceâsniece,and...â
âHISN...â
âSsshh.Keepitdown.Boss.Idonâtthinkweâresupposedtoknowthat.â
Withasupremeeffort,Isuppressedmyhysteriaandloweredmyvoiceagain.âWhatareyoutryingtodotome?IâmtryingtokeepthisoperationunderwrapsandyoubringmeDonBruceâsniece?â
âDonâtworry.â
âDONâTW...â
âSshh!LikeIsaid.Iâvebeencheckingaround.Itseemsthetwoofthemdonâtgetalongatall.Wouldnâtgiveeachotherthetimeofday.ThewayIhearit,hedoesnâtwanthertobeamoll,andshewonâtgoalongwithanyotherkindofwork.Theyfightoveritlikecatsanddogs.Anyway,ifyoucantrustanymolltonotfeedDonBrucethestraightscoop,itâsher.ThatâswhyIwassayinâthatyoushouldkeepthisone.â
Myheadachehadnowspreadtomystomach.
âSwell.Justswell.Well,atleast...â
âTheonethingIcouldnâtfindout,though,âGuidocontinuedwithafrown,âiswhyhewantsherwithyou.Ifigurethatitâseitherthathethinksthatyouâlltreatherright,orthatheexpectsyoutoscareheroutofbeinâamoll.Iâmjustnotsurewhichwayyoushouldplayit.â
Thiswasnotturningouttobeagoodnightforme.Infact,ithadgonesteadily
downhillsinceIwonthatlasthandofdragonpoker.
âGuido,âIsaid.âPleasedonâtsayanythingmore.Okay?Please?EverytimeIthinkthatthingsmightnotbesobad,youdragoutsomethingelsethatmakesthemworse.â
âJusttryinâtodomyjob,âheshrugged,obviouslyhurt,âbutifthatâswhatyouwant...well,youâretheBoss.â
âAndifyousaythatonemoretime,Iâmliabletoforgetyouârebiggerthanmeandpopyouoneinthenose.Understand?BeingtheâBossâimpliesacertaindegreeofcontrol,andifthereâsonethingIdonâthaverightnow,itâscontrol.â
âRight,B...Skeeve,âmybodyguardgrinned.âYouknow,foraminutethereyousoundedjustlikemyoldB...employer.HeusedtobeatuponNunzioandmewhenhegotmad.Ofcourse,wehadtostandthereandtakeit....â
âDonâtgivemeanyideas,âIsnarled.âFornow,letâsjustconcentrateonBunny.â
Iturnedmyattentiononcemoretotheproblemathand,whichwastosayBunny.Shewasstillstaringvacantlyaroundtheroom,jawsworkingmethodicallyonwhateveritwasshewaschewing,andapparentlyoblivioustowhateveritwasNunziowastryingtotellher.
âWell,uh...Bunny,âIsaid,âitlookslikeyouâregoingtobestayingwithusforawhile.â
ShereactedtomywordsasifIhadhitherâonâswitch.
âEeoooh!âshesquealed,asifIhadjusttoldherthatshehadwonabeautypageant.âOh,IknowIâmjustgoinâtoloveworkinâunderyou,Skeevie.â
Mystomachdidaslowrolltotheleft.
âShallIgetherthings,Boss?âNunziosaid.âSheâsgotaboutamountainandahalfofluggageoutside.â
âOh,youcanleaveallthat,âBunnycooed.âIjustknowmySkeevieisgoingtowanttobuymeawholenewwardrobe.â
âHoldit!Timeout!âIordered.âHouserulestimeBunny,somethingsaregoingtodisappearfromyourvocabularyrightnow.First,forgetâSkeevie.âItâsSkeeve...justSkeeve,orifyoumust,theGreatSkeeveinfrontofcompany.NotSkeevie.â
âGotcha,âshewinked.
âNext,youdonotworkunderme.Youâre...youâremypersonalsecretary.Gotit?â
âWhysure,sugar.ThatâswhatIâmalwayscalled.âAgainwiththewink.
âNowthen,Nunzio.Iwantyoutogetherluggageandmoveitinto...Idonâtknow,thepinkbedroom.â
âYouwantIshouldgivehimahand,Boss?âGuidoasked.
âYoustayput.âIsmiled,baringallmyteeth.âIâvegotaspecialjobforyou.â
âNowjustadarnminute!âBunnyinterrupted,hercutie-pieaccentnoticeablylacking.âWhatâsthiswiththeâpinkbedroomâ?Somehowyoudonâtstrikemeasthekindthatsleepsinapinkbedroom.ArenâtImovingintoyourbedroom?â
âIâmsleepinginmybedroom,âIsaid.âNowisnâtiteasierforyoutomoveintooneofoursparesthanformetorelocatejustsoyoucanmoveintomine?â
AsIsaid,ithadbeenalongnight,andIwasmorethanalittleslow.Luckyforme,Bunnywasfastenoughforbothofus.
âIthoughtwewasgoinâtobesharinâaroom,Mr.Skeeve.Thatâsthewholeideaofmybeinâhere,yaknow?Whatâswrong?YathinkIgotbadbreathorsumpinâ?â
âAahh...ummm...âIsaidintelligently.
âHi,Guido...Nunzio.Whoâs...ohwow!â
Thatlastwittylinedidnâtcomefromme.MasshahadjustenteredtheroomwithMarkieintowandlurchedtoahaltatthesightofBunny.
âHey.Boss!Whatâswiththekid?â
âGuido,Nunzio,thisisMarkie...ourotherhouseguest.Massha,Markie,thisisBunny.Sheâsgoingtobestayingwithusforawhile...inthepinkbedroom.â
âNowIgetit!âBunnyexclaimed.âYouwantweshouldplayitcoolbecauseofthekid!Well,youcancountonme.DiscretionisBunnyâsmiddlename.Thepinkbedroomitis!â
Icouldcheerfullyhavethrottledher.IfhermeaningwaslostonMarkie,itcertainlyhadnâtgottenpastMassha,whowasstaringoutatmefromunderraisedeyebrows.
âWhatever!âIsaidratherthantakemoredrasticaction.âNow,Nunzio,yougetBunnysetupinthepinkbedroom.Massha,IwantyoutogetMarkiesettledinthebluebedroomnexttomine...andknockitoffwiththeeyebrows.Iâllexplaineverythinginthemorning.â
âThatIwanttohear,âshesnorted.âCâmon,kid.â
âIâmnottired!âMarkieprotested.
âTough!âIcountered.âIam.â
âOh,âshesaidmeeklyandfollowedMassha.
Whateverkindofacrumbherfathermightbe,somewherealongthelineshehadlearnedwhenadultscouldbearguedwithandwhenitwasbesttogowiththeflow.
âWhatdoyouwantmetodo.Boss?âGuidoaskedeagerly.
Ifavoredhimwithmyevilestgrin.
âRememberthatspecialassignmentIsaidIhadforyou?â
âYea,Boss?â
âIâllwarnyou,itâsdangerous.â
Thatappealedtohisprofessionalpride,andhepuffedouthischest.âThe
tougherthebetter.Youknowme!â
âFine,âIsaid.âAllyouhavetodoisgoupstairsandexplainBunnytoAahz.Itseemsmypartnerisnâttalkingtomejustnow.â
ChapterFive:âSuchstuffdreamsaremadeof.â
-S.BEAUTY
LUANNAwaswithme.Icouldnâtrememberwhenshearrivedorhowlongshehadbeenhere,butIdidnâtcare.
IhadnâtseenhersincewegotbackfromthejailbreakonLimbo,andIhadmissedherterribly.Shehadleftmetostaywithherpartner.Matt,andalittlepieceofmewentwithher.Iwonâtbesocornballastosayitwasmyheart,butitwasinthatgeneralvicinity.TherewassomuchIwantedtotellher...wantedtoaskher,butitdidnâtreallyseemnecessary.Wejustlaysidebysideonagrassyhillwatchingtheclouds,enjoyingeachotherâscompanyinsilence.Icouldhavestayedlikethatforever,butsheraisedherselfononeelbowandspokesoftlytome.
âIfyouâlljustskootchoveralittle,Skeevie,wecanbothgetcomfy.â
Thiswassomehowjarringtomyserenity.ShedidnâtsoundlikeLuannaatall.Luannaâsvoicewasmusicalandexciting.Shesoundedlike...
âBUNNY!â
Iwassuddenlysittingboltupright,notonagrassyknoll,butinmyownbed.
âSsshh!Youâllwakeupthekid!â
Shewasperchedontheedgeofmybedwearingsomethingfilmythatwasevenmorerevealingthantheskintightoutfitshehadhadonlastnight.
âWhatareyoudoinginmyroom!?â
IhaddistinctmemoriesofstackingseveralpiecesoffurnitureinfrontofthedoorbeforeIretired,andaquickglanceconfirmedthattheywerestillinplace.
âThroughthesecretpassageway,âshesaidwithoneofherwinks.âNunzioshowedittomelastnight.â
âOh,hedid,didhe?âIsnarled.âRemindmetoexpressmythankstohimforthatlittleservice.â
âSaveyourthanks,sugar.YouâregoinâtoneedthemwhenIgetdonewithyou.â
Withthatsheraisedthecoversandslidinnexttome.
Islidouttheothersideofthebedasifaspiderhadjustjoinedme.NotthatIâmafraidofspiders,mindyou,butBunnyscaresmestiff.
âNowwhatâswrong?âshewhined.
âUm...ah...look.Bunny.Canwetalkforaminute?â
âSure,âshesaid,sittingupinbedandbendingforwardtorestherelbowsonherknees.âAnythingyousay.â
Unfortunately,hercurrentpositionalsogavemeanunrestrictedviewofhercleavage.IpromptlyforgotwhatIwasgoingtosay.
âAaah...I...urn...â
Therewasaknockatthedoor.
âComein!âIsaid,gratefulfortheinterruption.
ThatisbeyondadoubtthedumbestthingIhaveeversaid.
Thedooropened,sweepingthestackedfurniturebackwithamazingease,andChumleywalkedin.
âIsay,Skeeve,Aahzhasjustbeentellingmethemostremarkable...Hal-lo?â
ImentionedbeforethatChumleyisatroll.WhatIdidnâtsaywasthathecouldblush...probablybecauseIdidnâtknowitmyselfuntiljustnow.OfallthesightsIâveseeninseveraldimensions,ablushingtrollisinacategoryallitsown.
âYoumustbeChumley!âBunnychirped.âTheboystoldmeaboutyou.â
âUmm...quiteright.Pleasedtomakeyouracquaintanceandallthat,âthetrollsaid,tryingtoaverthiseyeswhilestillmakingpoliteconversation.
âYeah.Sure,Chum.Donâtyouhavesomethinâelsetodo...likeleavinâ?â
Iclutchedathisarmindesperation.
âNo!Imean...Chumleyalwayscomesbyfirstthinginthemorning.â
âAhh...Yes.JustwantedtoseeifSkeevewasreadyforaspotofbreakfast.â
âWell,Igotherefirst,âBunnybristled.âIfSkeeviewantssomethingtonibbleon,hecan...â
âGoodmorning.Daddy!â
Markiecameboundingintotheroomandgavemeahugbeforeanyofusknewshewasaround.
âWell,well.YoumustbeSkeeveâsnewward,Markie,âthetrollbeamed,obviouslythankfultohavesomethingtofocusonotherthanBunny.
âAndyouâreChumley.Hi,Bunny!â
âHiya,kid,âBunnyrespondedwithanoticeablelackofenthusiasmasshepulledthecoversuparoundherneck.
âAreyouup,Skeeve?â
ThevoicewaftinginfromthecorridorwasimmediatelyidentifiableasTananda.
ChumleyandIhadrarelyworkedtogetherasateam,butthistimenoplanningorcoordinationwasnecessary.IscoopedMarkieupandcarriedherintothehallwhileChumleyfollowed,slammingthedoorbehindhimwithenoughforcetocrackthewood.
âPippip,littlesister.Fineday,isnâtit?â
âHi,Tananda!Whatâsnew?â
Ourcordialgreetings,intendedtodisarmthesituation,succeededonlyin
stoppingourcolleagueinhertracks.
Tanandaisquiteattractive-ifcurvaceous,oliveskinned,green-hairedwomenareyourtype.Ofcourse,shelooksalotbetterwhensheisnâtpursingherlipsandnarrowinghereyessuspiciously.
âWell,foropeners,Iâdsaythelittlegirlunderyourarmisnew,âshesaidfirmly.âImaynotbethemostobservantperson,butIâmsureIwouldhavenoticedherifshehadbeenaroundbefore.â
âOh.Well,thereareafewthingsIâvegottodebriefyouon,âIsmiledweakly.âThisisoneofthem.HernameisMarkie,and...â
âLater,Skeeve.RightnowIâmmorecuriousaboutwhatmybigbrotherâsupto.Howâboutit,Chumley?Iâveseenyouslamdoorsonthewayintobedroomsbefore,butneveronthewayout.â
âUmmm...thatis...âthetrollmumbledawkwardly,âActually,âIassisted,âItâsmorelike...yousee...â
âExactlywhatIhadinmind,âTanandadeclared,slippingpastusandflingingthebedroomdooropen.
Myroomwasmercifullyemptyofoccupants.ApparentlyBunnyhadretreatedthroughwhateversecretpanelshehademergedfrom.ChumleyandIexchangedunnotedglancesofrelief.
âIdonâtgetit.âTanandafrowned.âYoutwoactedlikeyouweretryingtohideabody.Thereâsnothingheretobesosecretiveabout.â
âIthinktheydidnâtwantyoutoseethegirlinmydaddyâsbed,âMarkiesuppliedbrightly.
IwantedtoexpressmythankstoMarkiebutdecidedthatIhadenoughproblemswithoutaddingmurdertothelist.
âWell,Skeeve?âTanandasaid,hereyebrowsalmostreachingherhairline.
âUmmm...actually,Iâmnotreallyherdaddy.ThatâsoneofthethingsIwantedtodebriefyouabout.â
âImeantaboutthegirlinyourroom!â
âThatâstheotherthingIwantedto...â
âCuthimsomeslack!Huh,Tananda?Itâsuncivilizedtobeatuponsomeonebeforebreakfast.â
ThatwasAahz,whoforoncehadapproachedourgatheringwithoutbeingseen...orheard.Heâsusuallynotbigonquietentrances.
Forthatmatter,Ihadneverknownhimtobeatallreluctantaboutbeatinguponsomeone-say,forexample,me-beforebreakfast.Still,Iwasgratefulforhisintervention.
âHi,Aahz.Wewerejust...â
âDoyouknowwhatyourpartnerisdoing!?âTanandasaidinavoicethatcouldfreezewine.âHeseemstobeturningourhomeintoacombinationdaycarecenterand...â
âIknowallaboutit,âAahzinterrupted,âandsowillyouifyouâlljustcooldown.Weâllexplaineverythingoverbreakfast.â
âWell...â
âBesides,âMarkiepipedup,âItâsnotyourhome.Itâsmydaddyâs.Hejustletsyoulivehere.Hecandoanythinghewantsinhishouse!â
Ireleasedmyholdonher,hopingtodumpheronherhead.Insteadshetwistedinmidairandlandedonherfeetlikeacat,allthewhilesneeringsmugly.
Tanandahadstiffenedasifsomeonehadjabbedherwithapin.
âIsupposeyouâreright,Markie,âshesaidthroughtightlips.âIftheâGreatSkeeveâwantstorompwithsomebitoffluff,itâsnoneofmybusiness.AndifIdonâtlikeit,Ishouldjustgoelsewhere.â
Shespunonherheelandstartedoffdownthehall.
âWhataboutbreakfast?âAahzcalledafterher.
âIâllbeeatingout...permanently!â
Wewatchedherdepartureinhelplesssilence.
âIâdbettergoafterher,âChumleysaidatlast.âInthemoodsheâsin,shemighthurtsomeone.â
âCouldyoutakeMarkiewithyou?âAahzrequested,stillstaringafterTananda.
âAreyoukidding?âthetrollgaped.
âWell,atleastdropheroffinthekitchen.IâvegottohaveafewwordswithSkeeveinprivate.â
âIwanttostayhere!âMarkieprotested.
âGo,âIsaidquietly.
Theremusthavebeensomethinginmyvoice,becausebothMarkieandChumleyheadedoffwithoutfurtherargument.
âPartner,youâvegotaproblem.â
âDonâtIknowit.IftherewasanywayIcouldshipherbacktoDonBruce,Iâddoitinaminute,but...â
âIâmnottalkingaboutBunny!â
Thatstoppedme.
âYouarenât?â
âNo.Markieâstheproblem,notBunny.â
âMarkie?Butsheâsjustalittlegirl.â
Aahzheavedasmallsignandputonehandonmyshoulder...gently,forachange.
âSkeeve,Iâvegivenyoualotofadviceinthepast,someofitbetterthanothers.Forthemostpart,youâvedoneprettywellatwingingitinunfamiliarsituations,
butthistimeyouâreinoveryourhead.Believeme,youdonâthavethevaguestideaofthekindofhavocakidcancauseinyourlife...especiallyalittlegirl.â
Ididnâtknowwhattosay.Mypartnerwasobviouslysincereinhisconcern,andforachangeexpressingitinaverycalm,low-keymanner.Still,Icouldnâtgoalongwithwhathewassaying.
âCâmon,Aahz.Howmuchtroublecanshebe?ThisthingwithTanandahappenedbecauseofBunny...â
â...afterMarkiestartedmouthingoffatthewrongtime.IalreadyhadTanandacoolingoffwhenMarkieputhertwocentsin.â
ItalsooccurredtomethatMarkiewastheonewhohadspilledthebeanstoTanandainthefirstplace.Ishovedthatthoughttothebackofmymind.
âSoshedoesnâthaveenoughsensetokeephermouthshut.Sheâsjustakid.Wecanâtexpectherto...â
âThatâsmypoint.Thinkaboutouroperationforaminute,partner.Howmanytimesinonedaycanthingsgosourifsomeonesaysthewrongthingattherightmoment?ItâstakenusayeartogetGuidoandNunzioonboard...andtheyâreadults.Bringingakidintotheplaceislikewavingatorcharoundafireworksfactory.â
AsmuchasIappreciatedhiseffortstoexplainaproblemtome,IwasstartingtowearyabitofAahzâssingle-mindedpursuitofhispoint.
âOkay.SoIhavenâthadmuchexperiencearoundkids.Imaybeunderestimatingthesituation,butarenâtyoubeingabitofanalarmist?Whatexperienceareyoubasingyourworrieson?â
âAreyoukidding?âmypartnersaid,laughingforthefirsttimeinourconversation.âAnyonewhoâsbeenaroundasmanycenturiesasIhavehashadmorethantheirshareofexperiencewithkids.YoumetmynephewRupert?Youthinkhewasbornanadult?Andheâsonlyoneofmorenieces,nephews,andgrandchildrenthanIcancountwithoutbeingreducedtoanervouswreckbythememories.â
AndIthoughIcouldnâtbesurprisedbyAahzanymore.
âReally?Grandchildren?Ineverevenknewyouhadkids.â
âIdonâtliketotalkaboutit.Thatinitselfshouldbeaclue.WhensomeonewholikestotalkasmuchasIdototallyavoidsasubject,thememorieshavegottobelessthanpleasant!â
Iwasstartingtogetabitworried.RealizingthatAahzusuallytendstominimizedanger,hiswarningswerestartingtosetmyoveractiveimaginationingear.
âIhearwhatyouâresaying,Aahz.Butweâreonlytalkingaboutonekidhere.Howmuchtroublecanonelittlegirlbe?â
Mypartnerâsfacesuddenlysplitintooneofhisinfamousevilgrins.âRememberthatquote,âhesaid.âIâmgoingtobetossingitbackatyoufromtimetotime.â
âBut...â
âHey,Boss!Thereâssomeoneheretoseeyou!â
JustwhatIneeded!IhadalreadyprettymuchresolvednottotakeonanymoreclientsuntilafterMarkieâsfatherhadreclaimedher.Ofcourse,IdidnâtwanttosaythatinfrontofAahz,especiallyconsideringourcurrentconversation.
âIâminthemiddleofaconference,Guido!âIcalled.âTellthemtocomebacklater.â
âSuityourself,Boss!âcamethereply.âIjustthoughtyouâdwanttoknow,seeinâashowitâsLuanna...â
Iwasofflikeashot,notevenbotheringtoexcusemyself.Aahzwouldunderstand.HeknewIâdhadathingforLuannasinceourexpeditionintoLimbo.
Onmywaytothewaitingroom,Ihadtimetospeculateastowhetherornotthiswasoneofmybodyguardâslittlepranks.Idecidedthatifitwas,IwouldstudyharduntilIknewenoughmagictoturnhimintoatoad.
Mysuspicionsweregroundless.Shewasthere.Mybeautifulblondgoddess.Whatreallymademyheartleap,though,wasthatshehadherluggagewithher.
âHi,Luanna.Whatareyoudoinghere?WhereâsMatt?Howhavethingsbeen?Wouldyoulikesomethingtodrink?CouldI...â
IsuddenlyrealizedthatIwasbabblingandforcedmyselftopause.
âAahh...whatIâmtryingtosayisthatitâsgoodtoseeyou.â
Thatgotmetheslowsmilethathadhauntedmydreams.âIâmglad,Skeeve.Iwasafraidyouâdforgottenaboutme.â
âNotachance,âIsaid,thenrealizedIwasleering.âThatis,no,Ihavenâtforgottenaboutyou.â
Herdeepblueeyeslockedwithmine,andIfeltmyselfsinkinghelplesslyintotheirdepths.
âThatâsgood,âshesaidinthatmusicalvoiceofhers.âIwasworriedabouttakingyouuponyourofferafterallthistime.â
Thatgotthroughthefogthatwasthreateningtoenvelopmymind.âOffer?Whatoffer?â
âOh,youdonâtremember!Ithought...oh,thisisembarrassing.â
âWaitaminute!âIcried.âIhavenâtforgotten!Itâsjustthat...letmethink...itâsjust...â
Likeabeamofsunlightinaswampthememorycametome.âYoumeanwhenIsaidthatyoucouldcometoworkforAahzandme?Thatâsit?Right?â
âThatâswhatIwastalkingabout!âThesuncamefrombehindthecloudsasshesmiledagain.âYousee,MattandIhavesplit,andIthought...â
âDoyouwantanybreakfast.Daddy?Yousaid...oh!Hello.â
âDADDY!!??â
MarkieandLuannastaredateachother.
Irevisedmyplansrapidly.Iwouldstudyhardandturnmyselfintoatoad.
âIcanexplain,Luanna...âIbegan.
âIthinkyoushouldkeepthisone,Daddy,âMarkiesaid,nevertakinghereyesoffLuanna.âSheâsalotprettierthantheotherone.â
âTHEOTHER...Oh!YoumeanTananda.â
âNo,Imean...â
âMARKIE!âIinterrupteddesperately.âWhydonâtyouwaitformeinthekitchen.IâllbealonginaminuteafterIfinishtalkingto...â
âSkeevie,arewegoingtogoshopping?âBunnyslitheredintotheroom.âIneed...whoâsthat!?â
âMe?Iâmnobody.âLuannarespondedgrimly.âIneverrealizeduntiljustnowhowmuchofanobodyIam!â
âWell,thejobâsalreadytaken,ifthatâswhatyouâreherefor,âBunnysmirked.
âWaitaminute!Itâsadifferentjob!Really!Luanna,luanna...Luanna??â
Sometimeduringmyhysteria,theloveofmylifehadgatheredupherbagsandleft.Iwastalkingtoemptyair.
âGee,Skeevie.Whatâreyoutalkinâtoherforwhenyougotme?ArenâtI...â
âDaddy.CanI...â
âSHUTUP!BOTHOFYOU!Letmethink!â
TryasImight,theonlythoughtthatkeptcomingtomewasthatmaybeAahzwasright.MaybekidsweremoretroublethanIthought.
ChapterSix:âBringthewholefamily...butleavethekidsathome!â
-R.McDONALD
âREALLY,HotStuff.Doyouthinkthisissuchagreatidea?â
âMassha,please!Iâmtryingtothinkthingsout.IcouldnâtgetmythoughtstogetherbackatChaosCentralwithAahznatteringatme,andIwonâtbeabletodoitnowifyoustartup.Now,areyougoingtohelpornot?â
Myapprenticeshruggedhermassiveshoulders.
âOkay.Whatdoyouwantmetodo?â
âJustkeepaneyeonthosetwoandseethattheydonâtgetintoanytroublewhileIthink.â
âKeepthemoutoftrouble?AttheBazaaratDeva?ArenâtGuidoandNunziosupposedto...â
âMassha!â
âAllright.Allright.Iwantitnoted,though,thatIâmtakingthisassignmentunderprotest.â
IâmsureIdidnâtgiveAahzthismuchbacktalkwhenIwasapprenticedtohim.EverytimeIsaythatoutloud,however,mypartnerburstsintosuchgalesoflaughterthatnowItendtokeepthethoughttomyself,evenwhenheisnâtaround.
Aftersomeresistance,IhadagreedtotakeBunnyandMarkieonastrollthroughtheBazaar.AsIsaidtoMassha,thiswasmoretogetabitoftimeawayfromAahzthanitwasgivingintoBunnyâswhining,thoughthatvoicewasnoteasytoignore.
InacknowledgementofAahzâsrepeatedwarningsoftrouble,IhadrecruitedmyapprenticetoaccompanyussoIâdhaveabackupifthingswentawry.GuidoandNunziowerealong,ofcourse,buttheyweremoreconcernedwiththingscomingatmethanwithanythinganyoneinourpartymightdototheimmediateenvironment.
Allinall,wemadequiteaprocession.TwoMobbodyguards,awoman-mountaindisguisedasajewelrydisplay,amoll,akid,andme!Forachange,Iwasnâttheâkidâoftheparty.Therewassomethingtobesaidforhavinganhonest-to-goodnesschildtravelingwithyou.Itautomaticallymadeonelookolderandsomehowmoreresponsible.
WehadbeeninresidenceattheBazaarforsometimenow,andtheneighborhoodmerchantswereprettymuchusedtous.Thatis,theyknewthatifIwasinterested,Iâdcometothem.IfIwasnât,noamountofwheedlingorcajolingwouldtemptmeintobuying.Thatmightseemalittlestrangetoyou,afterallmyglowingaccountsofthewondersforsaleattheBazaar,butIhadfallenintothepatternquitenaturally.Yousee,ifyoujustvisittheBazaaronceinawhile,itâsallquiteimpressive,andyoufeelcompelledtobuyjusttokeepfromlosingoutonsomereallyniftybargains.Ifyoulivethere,ontheotherhand,thereâsnorealcompulsiontobuyanythingrightnow.Imean,ifIneedaplantthatgrowstenfeetinaminute,Iâllbuyit...whenIneedit.
Untilthen,theplantcanstayinitsshopthreedoorsfromourtent,andmymoneycanstayinmypocket.
Thatâshowthingswere,normally.Ofcourse,mysituationtodaywasanythingbutnormal.Ihadknownthisallalong,ofcourse,butIhadnâtreallystoppedtothinkthroughalltheramificationsofmycurrentstateofaffairs.
Okay.SoIwasdumb.Remember,Iwastakingthisstrolltotrytogetachancetothink.Remember?
MaybeIhadnâtzeroedinonwhatmypartylookedlike,buttheDeveelsspottedthedifferencebeforewehadgonehalfablock.
SuddenlyeveryDeveelwhohadnâtbeenabletofoistoffsometrinketonmeforthelasttwoyearswasouttogiveitonemoretry.
âLovepotions!Resultsguaranteed!â
âSnakenecklaces!Poisonousandnon!â
âSpecialdiscountsfortheGreatSkeeve!â
âSpecialdiscountsforanyfriendoftheGreatSkeeve!â
âTryour...
âBuymy...â
âTastethese...â
Mostofthiswasnotaimedatme,butatBunnyandMarkie.TheDeveelsswarmedaroundthemlike...well,likeDeveelssmellinganeasyprofit.ThisisnottosaythatGuidoandNunziowerenâtdoingtheirjobs.Iftheyhadnâtbeenclearingapathforus,wewouldnâthavebeenabletomoveatall.Asitwas,ourprogresswassimplyslowedtoacrawl.
âStillthinkthiswasagoodidea,HighRoller?â
âMassha!Ifyou...â
âJustasking.Ifyoucanthinkinthisracket,though,youâvegotbetterconcentrationthanIdo.â
Shewasright,butIwasnâtabouttoadmitit.Ijustkeptstaringforwardaswewalked,trackingtheactivityaroundmeoutofthecornersofmyeyeswithoutturningmyhead.
âSkeevie.âCanIhave...â
âNo.â
âLookat...â
âNo.â
âCouldnâtwe...â
âNo!â
Bunnywasgettingtobeapain.Sheseemedtowanteverythinginsight.Fortunately,Ihaddevelopedtheperfectdefense.AllIhadtodowassayâNo!âtoeverything.
âWhydidwegoshoppingifwearenâtgoingtobuyanything?â
âWell...â
Somuchformyperfectdefense.Nottobestymied,IswitchedimmediatelytoPlanB,whichwassimplytokeepourpurchasesataminimum.Ididnâtseemtobetoosuccessfulatthat,either,butIconsoledmyselfbytryingtoimaginehowmuchjunkwewouldhavegottenloadeddownwithifIhadnâtbeenridingthebrake.
Surprisinglyenough,despiteallofAahzâsdirepredictions,Markiewasnâtmuchtroubleatall.Ifoundhertoberemarkablywellmanneredandobedient,andsheneveraskedmetobuyheranything.Instead,shecontentedherselfwithpointingouttoBunnythefewboothsthatindividualoverlooked.
Therewerenâtmany.
MyonlysalvationwasthatBunnydidnotseeminterestedintheusualcollectionofwhiz-bangsandwowersthatmostvisitorstotheBazaarfindirresistible.
Shewasremarkablyloyaltoherprimepassion-apparel.Hats,dresses,shoes,andaccessoriesallhadtopassherclosescrutiny.
IâlladmitthatBunnydidnotindulgeinrandompurchases.Shehadashrewdeyeforfabricandconstruction,andbettercolorsensethananyoneIhaveeverknown.AahzalwayssaidthatImpswereflashydressers,andIhadsecretlytriedtopatternmyownwardrobeaftertheirexample.However,oneafternoonofshoppingwithBunnywasaneducationinitself.Impshavenothingonmollswhenitcomestoclothessense.
ThemoreIwatchedBunnypursuethefashionsavailableattheBazaar,themoreself-consciousIbecameaboutmyownappearance.Eventually,Ifoundmyselflookingoverafewitemsformyself,andfromthereitwasashortsteptobuying.
Innotimeflat,wehadasmallmountainofpackagestocartalongwithus.Bunnyhadstockeduponacoupleofoutfitsthatchangedcolorwithhermood,
andwasnowwearinganintriguingblousewhichhadatransparentpatchthatmigratedrandomlyaroundhertorso.Ifthelattersoundsdistracting,itwas.Myownindulgenceswerefew,butsufficienttoaddtotheoverallbulkofmerchandisewehadtotransport.
GuidoandNunziowereexemptfrompackage-carryingduties,andMasshaflatlyrefusedonthebasisthatbeingalargewomantryingtomaneuverthroughtheBazaarwasdifficultenoughwithouttryingtojugglepackagesatthesametime.Realizingtheâyoubreakit,youboughtitâpoliciesoftheBazaar,Icouldscarcelyarguewithhercautiousposition.
Thefinalresolutiontoourbaggageproblemwasreallyquitesimple.Iflexedmymagicpowersabitandlevitatedthewholekitandkaboodle.Idonâtnormallyliketoflauntmypowerspublicly,butIfiguredthatthiswasanecessaryexceptiontotherule.Ofcourse,havingourpurchasesfloatingalongbehinduswaslikehavingalighthouseintow;itdrewtheDeveelsoutoftheirstallsindroves.
Tomysurprise,Istartedtoenjoythesituation.Humilityandanonymityiswellandgood,butsometimesitsnicetobemadeafussover.Bunnyhungonmyarmandshoulderlikeabonelessfalcon,cooinglittleendearmentsofappreciation...thoughthefactthatIwaswillingtofinanceherpurchasesseemedtobemakingasmuchasormoreofanimpressiononherthanmyminordisplayofmagic.
âCanâtsayIthinkmuchofhertasteinclothes,â
MasshamurmuredtomeaswepausedoncemorewhileBunnydartedintoanearbybooth.
Tosaytheleast,IwasnoteagertogetdrawnintoadiscussioncomparingtherespectivetastesinclothesofBunnyandmyapprentice.
âDifferentbodytypeslookbetterindifferentstyles,âIsaid,astactfullyasIcould.
âYeah?Andwhatstylelooksbestonmybodytype?â
âInallhonesty,Massha,Icanâtpictureyoudressinganydifferentlythanyoudo.â
âReally?Say,thanks,Skeeve.Agirlalwayslikestohearafewappreciativenoisesabouthowshelooks.â
Ihadnarrowlysidesteppedthatbooby-trapandcastaboutfranticallyforanewsubjectbeforetheotherinterpretationofmystatementoccurredtoher.
âUmm...hasnâtMarkiebeenwell-behaved?â
âIâllsay.IâlladmitIwasalittleworriedwhenyoufirstbroughtherin,butsheâsbeenanangel.IdonâtthinkIâveeverknownakidthispatientandobedient.â
âUndemanding,too,âIsaid.âIâvebeenthinkingofgettinghersomethingwhileweâreout,butIâmhavingtroublecomingupwithanythingappropriate.TheBazaarisnâtbigontoyshops.â
âAreyoukidding?Itâsonebigtoyshop!â
âMassha...â
âOkay,okay.Sotheyâremostlytoysforadults.Letmethink.Howoldisshe,anyway?â
âIâmnotreallysure.ShesaidshewasinthethirdgradeatElementarySchool...eventhoughshecallsitElementalSchool...sothatwouldmakeher...â
IrealizedthatMasshawasstaringatmeinwide-eyedhorror.
âElementalSchool!?â
âThatâswhatshecalledit.Cute,huh?Why,whatdoes...â
Myapprenticeinterruptedmebygrabbingmyarmsohardthatithurt.âSkeeve.Weâvegottogetherbackhome...QUICK!!â
âButIdonâtsee...â
âIâllexplainlater!Justgetherandgo!IâllroundupBunnyandgetherback,butyouâvegottogetmoving!â
Tosaytheleast,Ifoundhermannerpuzzling.IhadneverseenMasshasoupset.Thiswasobviouslynotthetimeforquestions,though,soIlookedaroundfor
Markie.Shewasstanding,fistsclenched,glaringatatentwithaclosedflap.
Allofasuddeneveryonewasgettinguptight.FirstMassha,andnowMarkie.
âWhatâswiththekid?âIsaid,tappingGuideontheshoulder.
âBunnyâsintryingonsomepeek-a-boonighties,andtheownerchasedMarkieout,âmybodyguardexplained.âShedonâtlikeitmuch,butsheâllgetoverit.Itâspartofbeinâakid,Iguess.â
âIsee.Well,Iwasjustgoingtotakeherbackhomeanyway.Couldoneofyoustayherewith...â
âSKEEVE!STOPHER!!â
Masshawasshoutingatme.Iwasturningtowardhertoseewhatshewastalkingaboutwhenithappened,soIdidnâtseeallthedetails.
TherewasasuddenWHOOSHfollowedbythesoundsofrippingcanvas,woodsplintering,andassortedscreamsandcurses.
Iwhippedmyheadbackaround,andmyjawdroppedinastonishment.
ThebooththatBunnywasinwasintatters.TheentirestockoftheplacewassailingoffovertheBazaar,aswaswhatwasleftofthetent.Bunnywastryingtocoverherselfwithherhandsandscreamingherheadoff.Theproprietor,aparticularlygreasy-lookingDeveel,wasalsoscreaminghisheadoff,buthisemotionswerebeingventedinourgeneraldirectioninsteadofattheworldingeneral.
Iwouldsayitwasamajordilemmaexceptforonething.ThedisplaysoneithersideofBunnyâstentandfortworowsbehinditwereinasimilarstate.Thatisamajordilemma,makingthedestructionofasingleboothpaleincomparison.
Avoicesprangintomyhead,drowningouttheclamoroftheenragedmerchants.âIfyoubreakit,youboughtit!âthevoicesaid,anditspokewithaDevanaccent.
âWhathappened?âIgasped,thoughwhethertomyselfortothegods,Iwasnâtsure.
Masshaanswered.
âWhathappenedwasMarkie!âshesaidgrimly.âSheblewhercorkandsummonedupanairelemental...youknow,likeyoulearntodoatElementalSchool?Itappearsthatwhenthekidthrowsatantrum,sheâsgoingtodoitwithmagic!â
Mymindgraspedthemeaningofherwordsinstantly,justasfastasitleapedontothenextplateau.Aahz!Iwasnâtsurewhichwasgoingtobeworse:breakingthenewstoAahz,ortellinghimhowmuchithadcostustolearnaboutit!
ChapterSeven:âThereâsatimetofight,andatimetohideout!â
-B.CASSIDY
IâVEheardthatwhensomepeoplegetdepressed,theyretiretotheirneighborhoodbarandtelltheirtroublestoasympatheticbartender.TheproblemwiththeBazaaratDeva(aproblemIhadnevernoticedbefore)isthattherearenosympatheticbartenders!
Consequently,IhadtosettleforthenextbestthingandholedupintheYellowCrescentInn.
Now,afast-foodjointmayseemtoyoutobeapoorsubstituteforabar.Itis.Thisparticularfast-foodjoint,however,isownedandmanagedbymyonlyfriendattheBazaarwhoisnâtlivingwithme.Thislastpartwasespeciallyimportantatthemoment,sinceIdidnâtthinkIwasapttogetmuchsympathyinmyownhome.
Gusisagargoyle,butdespitehisfierceappearanceheâsoneofthefriendliestbeingsIâveevermet.HeâshelpedAahzandmeoutonsomeofourmoredubiousassignments,soheâslessinclinedtoaskâHowdidyougetyourselfintothis?âthanmost.Usually,heâsmoreinterestedinâHowdidyougetoutofit?â
âHowdidyougetyourselfintothisone?âhesaid,shakinghishead.
Well,nobodyâsperfect...especiallyfriends.
âItoldyou,Gus.OnelousycardgamewhereIexpectedtolose.IfIhadknownitwasgoingtobackfirelikethis,sohelpmeIwouldhavefoldedeveryhand!â
âYousee,thereâsyourproblem,âthegargoylesaid,flashingagrintoothierthannormal.âInsteadofsittinginandlosing,youâdbebetteroffnotsittinginatall!â
Irewardedhissoundadvicebyrollingmyeyes.
âItâsallhypotheticalanyway.Whatâsdoneisdone.Thequestionis,âWhatdoIdonowâ?â
âNotsofast.Letâsstickwiththecardgameforaminute.Whydidyousitinifyouwereexpectingtolose?â
âLook.Canwedropthecardgame?Iwaswrong.Okay?Isthatwhatyouwanttohear?â
âNo-o-o,âGussaidslowly.âIstillwanttohearwhyyouwentinthefirstplace.Humorme.â
Istaredathimforamoment,butheseemedperfectlyserious.
Ishrugged.âTheGeeksentmeaninvitation.Frankly,itwasquiteflatteringtogetone.Ijustthoughtitwouldbesociableto...â
âStop!âthegargoyleinterrupted,raisinghishand.âThereâsyourproblem.â
âWhatis?â
âTryingtobesociable.Whatâsthematter?Arenâtyourcurrentroundoffriendsgoodenoughforyou?â
Thatmademealittlebitnervous.IwashavingenoughproblemswithouthavingGusgethisnoseoutofjoint.
âItisnâtthat,Gus.Really.Thewholecrew-yourselfincluded-isclosertomethanmyfamilyeverwas.Itâsjust...Idonâtknow...â
â...youwanttobeliked.Right?â
âYeah.Iguessthatâsit.â
âAndthatâsyourproblem!â
Thatonethrewme.âIdonâtgetit,âIadmitted.
Thegargoylesighed,thenduckedbehindthecounter.âHaveanothermilkshake,âhesaid,shovingonetowardme.âThismighttakeawhile,butIâlltrytoexplain.â
Iliketothinkitâsasignofmygrowingsavoir-fairethatInowenjoystrawberrymilkshakes.WhenIfirstvisitedtheBazaar,Irejectedthemoutofhandbecausetheylookedlikepinkswampmuck.Iwasnowmoderatelyaddictedtothem,thoughIstillwouldnâteatthefoodhere.Thenagain,maybeitwasasignofsomethingelsecompletelyifIthoughtatasteforstrawberrymilkshakeswasasignofsavoir-faire!
âLook,Skeeve,âGusbegan,sippingatamilkshakeofhisown,âyouâreaniceguy...oneofthenicestIâveeverknown.Yougooutofyourwaytoâdotherightthingâ...tobenicetopeople.Thekeyphrasethereisâgooutofyourway.âYouâreinaâtrouble-heavyâprofessionanyway.Nobodyhiresamagicianbecausethingsaregoingwell.Thenyouaddtothatyourchosenlifestyle.Becauseyouwanttobeliked,youplaceyourselfinsituationsyouwouldnâtgonearifitwasforyourownpersonalsatisfaction.Caseinpoint:thecardgame.Ifyouhadbeenoutforpersonalgain,i.e.,wealth,youwouldnâthavegonenearit,sinceyoudonâtknowthegame.Butyouwantedtobefriendly,soyouwentexpectingtolose.Thatâsnotnormal,anditresultedinanot-normaloutcome,towit,Markie.Thatâswhyyougetintotrouble.â
IchewedmylipslightlyasIthoughtoverwhathewassaying.
âSoifIwanttostayoutoftrouble,Iâvegottostopbeinganiceguy?IâmnotsureIcandothat,Gus.â
âNeitheramI,âthegargoyleagreedcheerfully.
âWhatâsmore,ifyoucould,IdonâtthinkIoranyofyourotherfriendswouldlikeyouanymore.Idonâteventhinkyouâdlikeyourself.â
âThenwhyareyourecommendingthatIchange?â
âIâmnot!Iâmjustpointingoutthatitâsthewayyouare,notanyoutsidecircumstances,thatkeepsgettingyouintotrouble.Inshort,sinceyouarenâtgoingtochange,getusedtobeingintrouble.Itâsgoingtobeyourconstantstateforalongwhile.â
Ifoundmyselfmassagingmyforeheadagain.
âThanks,Gus,âIsaid.âIknewIcouldcountonyoutocheermeup.â
âDonâtknockit.Nowyoucanfocusonsolvingyourcurrentprobleminsteadofwastingtimewonderingwhyitexists.â
âFunny.IthoughtIwasdoingjustthat.Someoneelsewantedtotalkaboutwhatwascausingmyproblems.â
Mysarcasmdidnâtfazethegargoyleintheleast.
âRight,âhenodded.âThatbringsustoyourcurrentproblem.â
âNowyouâretalking.WhatdoyouthinkIshoulddo,Gus?â
âBeatsme.Iâdsayyouâvegotarealdilemmaonyourhands.â
Iclosedmyeyesasmyheadachehammeredanew.âIdonâtknowwhatIâddowithoutyou,Gus.â
âHey.Donâtmentionit.Whatarefriendsfor?Whoops!HerecomesTananda!â
TheotherdisadvantagetoholingupattheYellowCrescentInn,besidesthefactthatitisnâtabar,isthatitâslocatedrightacrossthestreetfrommyhome.Thisisnotgoodforsomeonewhoâstryingtoavoidhishousemates.
Fortunately,thiswasonesituationIcouldhandlewithrelativeease.
âDonâttellherIâmhere,Gus,âIinstructed.
âBut...â
Notwaitingtoheartherestofhisprotest,Igrabbedmymilkshake,slippedintoachairatanearbytable,andsettoworkwithafastdisguisespell.BythetimeTananda,hitthedoor,theonlyoneshecouldseeintheplacebesidesGuswasapotbelliedDeveelsippingonastrawberrymilkshake.
âHi,Gus!âshesang.âHaveyouseenSkeevearound?â
âHe...aahh...wasinearlier.âThegargoylecarefullyavoidedthelie.
âOh,well.IguessIâlljusthavetoleavewithoutsayinggoodbyetohim.then.Toobad.WewerenâtonparticularlygoodtermsthelasttimeIsawhim.â
âYouâreleaving?â
Gussaiditbeforethewordsburstoutofmyownmouth,savingmefromblowingmydisguise.
âYea.IfigureitâsabouttimeImovedon.â
âI...umm...havebeenhearingsomestrangethingsaboutmyneighbors,butIâveneverbeensurehowmuchtobelieve,âthegargoylesaidthoughtfully.âThissuddendeparturewouldnâthaveanythingtodowiththenewmollthatâsbeenfoistedoffonSkeeve,wouldit?â
âBunny?Naw.IâlladmitIwasabitoutofsortswhenIfirstheardaboutit,butChumleyexplainedthewholethingtome.â
âThenwhatâstheproblem?â
Guswasdoingaterrificjobofbeatingmetomylines.Aslongashekeptitup,Iâdbeabletogetallmyquestionsansweredwithoutrevealingmyself.IthadoccurredtometoconfrontTanandadirectlyassoonasIheardwhatshewasupto,butthenIrealizedthatthiswasararechancetohearherthoughtswhenshedidnâtthinkIwasaround.
âWell,itâssomethingMarkiesaid...â
Markieagain.IdefinitelyowedAahzanapology.
â...Shemadesomecrackaboutherdaddy,thatâsSkeeve,lettingmelivethere,anditgotmetothinking.Thingshavebeennicetheselastcoupleyears...almosttoonice.Sincewehavenâthadtoworryaboutoverhead,ChumleyandIhavenâtbeenworkingmuch.Moreimportant,wehavenâtbeenworkingatworking.Itâstooeasytohangaroundtheplaceandwaitforsomethingtocometous.â
âGettingfatandlazy,huh?âGusgrinned.
âSomethinglikethat.Now,youknowme,Gus.Iâvealwaysbeenfootlooseandfancyfree.Readytofollowajoborawhimatthedropofahat.IfanyonehadsuggestedtomethatIshouldsettledown,Iwouldhavepunchedtheirlightsout.Nowallofasudden,Iâvegotapermanentaddressandfamily...familybeyond
Chumley,Imean.IhadnâtrealizedhowdomesticIwasgettinguntilSkeeveshowedupwithMarkie.Akid,even.WhenIfirstsawher,myfirstthoughtwasthatitwouldbenicetohaveakidaroundtheplace!NowIaskyou,Gus,doesthatsoundlikeme?â
âNo,itdoesnât.â
ThegargoyleâsvoicewassoquietIscarcelyrecognizeditashis.
âRightthenIsawthehandwritingonthewall.IfIdonâtstartmovingagain,Iâmgoingtotakeroot...permanently.Youknow,theworstthingisthatIdonâtreallywanttogo.Thatâsthescariestpartofall.â
âIdonâtthinkAahzorSkeevewantyoutogoeither.â
âNowdonâtyoustartonme,Gus.Thisishardenoughformeasitis.LikeIsaid,theyârefamily,buttheyârestiflingme.Iâvegottogetaway,evenifitâsonlyforalittlewhile,orIâmgoingtoloseapartofme...forever.â
âWell,ifyouâvemadeupyourmind...goodluck.â
âThanks,Gus.Iâllbeintouchfromtimetotime.Keepaneyeontheboysincasetheybuymoretroublethantheycansell.â
âIdonâtthinkyouhavetoworryaboutChumley.Heâsprettylevelheaded.â
âChumleyâsnottheoneIâmworriedabout.â
Ithoughtthatwasgoingtobeherpartingshot,butshepausedwithonehandonthedoor.
âYouknow,itâsprobablyjustaswellthatIcouldnâtfindSkeeve.IâmnotsureIcouldhavestucktomygunsinaface-to-face...butthenagain,maybethatâswhyIwaslookingforhim.â
IcouldfeelGusâseyesonmeassheslippedout.âIsupposeitâspointlesstoaskwhyyoudidnâtsaysomething.MisterSkeeve.â
EventhoughIhadworriedearlieraboutgettingGusangrywithme,somehowitdidnâtmatteranymore.
âAtfirstitwascuriosity,âIsaid,lettingmydisguiseslipaway.âThen,Ididnâtwanttoembarrassher.â
âAndattheendthere?Whensheflat-outsaidthatyoucouldtalkheroutofgoing?Whydidnâtyouspeakupthen?Doyouwanthertodisappear?â
Icouldnâtevenmanageasparkofanger.âYouknowbetterthanthat,Gus,âIsaidquietly.âYouârehurtingandlashingoutatwhoeverâshandy,whichhappenstobeme.Ididnâttrytogethertostayforthesamereasonyoudidnâttryharder.Shefeelsweârestiflingher,andifshewantsout,itâdbeprettysmallofustotrytokeepherforourownsakes,wouldnâtit?â
Therewasprolongedsilence,whichwasfinebyme.Ididnâtfeelmuchliketalkinganymore.Rising,Istartedforthedoor.
âYouwerelookingtheotherwaywhensheleft,âthegargoylesaid.âYoumightliketoknowthereweretearsinhereyes.â
âMinetoo,âIrepliedwithoutturning.âThatâswhyIwaslookingtheotherway.â
ChapterEight:âWhatdidIdowrong?â
-LEAK,REX
WITHaheavyheart,Iheadedbackhome.IwasnolongerworriedaboutAahzyellingatme.Ifanything,Iwasratherhopinghewould.Ifhedid,IdecidedthatforachangeIwouldnâtargueback.Inshort,Ifeltterribleandwasinthemoodtodoalittlepenance.
Slidingthroughthetentflap,IcockedanearandlistenedforAahz.Actually,IwasalittlesurprisedthatIcouldnâthearhimfromthestreet,butIwassureIwouldbeabletolocatehispositioninthehousewithnodifficulty.AsIâvesaidbefore,mypartnerhasnoproblemexpressinghismoods,particularlyanger.
Thehousewassilent.
Fromthelackofreverberationsand/orfallingplaster,IassumedthatAahzwasout...probablylookingformewithbloodinhiseye.Idebatedgoingouttolookforhim,butdecidedthatitwouldbebettertowaitrighthere.Heâdbebackeventually,soIheadedforthegardentomakemyselfcomfortableuntilheshowedup.
WhatIcallthegardenisactuallyourcourtyard.Ithasafountainandanabundanceofplants,soItendtothinkofitasapieceoftheoutdoorsratherthanasanenclosedarea.Ihadbeenspendingmoreandmoretimetherelately,especiallywhenIwantedtimetothink.ItremindedmeofsomeofthequieterspotsIwouldfindfromtimetotimebackwhenIwaslivingonmyowninthewoods...backbeforeImetGarkin,and,throughhim,Aahz.
Thatmemoryledmetoponderacuriouspoint:Werethereothersuccessfulbeings,likemyself,whousedtheirnewprosperitytorecreatethesettingoratmosphereoftheirpre-successdays?Ifso,itmadeforacuriouscycle.
IwassopreoccupiedwiththisthoughtasIenteredthegardenthatIalmostmissedthefactthatIwasnâtalone.Someoneelsewasusingmyretreat...specifically,Aahz.
Hewassittingononeofthestonebenches,chininhishandsandelbowsonhisknees,staringblanklyintothewaterasitflowedthroughthefountain.Tosaytheleast,Iwassurprised.Aahzhasneverbeenthemeditativetype,particularlyintimesofcrisis.Heâsmoretheâbeatonsomeoneorsomethinguntiltheproblemgoesawayâtype.Still,herehewas,notagitated,notpacing,justsittingandstaring.Itwasenoughoutofcharacterforhimtoun-nervemecompletely.
âUmm...Hi,Aahz,âIsaidhesitantly.
âHello,Skeeve,âherepliedwithoutlookingaround.
Iwaitedforafewmomentsforhimtosaysomethingelse.Hedidnât.FinallyIsatdownonthebenchnexttohimandstaredatthewatermyselfabit.
Wesatthatwayforawhile,neitherofussayinganything.Thetricklingwaterbegantohaveatranquilizing,hypnoticeffectonme,andIfoundmymindstartingtorelaxanddrift.
âItâsbeenquiteaday,hasnâtit,partner?â
MymindreflexivelyrecoiledintoafulldefensiveposturebeforeitdawnedonmethatAahzwasstillspeakingquietly.
âY...Yes.â
Iwaited,butheseemedoffinhisownthoughtsagain.
Mynervesshot,Idecidedtotaketheinitiative.
âLook,Aahz.AboutMarkie...â
âYes?â
âIknewabouttheElementalSchoolthing.ShetoldmeonthewaybackfromtheGeekâs.Ijustdidnâtknowenoughtorealizeitwasimportant.â
âIknow,âAahzsighed,notlookingatme.âIhadnâtbotheredtoteachyouaboutelementalmagic...justlikeIhadnâttaughtyouaboutdragonpoker.â
Noexplosion!Iwasstartingtogetalittleworriedaboutmypartner.
âArenâtyouupset?â
âOfcourseIâmupset,âhesaid,favoringmewithafleetingglimpseofbaredteeth,abarelyrecognizablesmile.âDoyouthinkIâmalwaysthisjovial?â
âImean,arenâtyoumad?â
âOh,Iâmpastâmad.âIâmallthewaytoâthoughtful.ââ
IarrivedatthestartlingconclusionthatIlikeditbetterwhenAahzwasshoutingandunreasonable.ThatIknewhowtodealwith.Thislatestmoodofhiswasatotalunknown.
âWhatareyouthinkingabout?â
âParenthood.â
âParenthood?â
âYeah.Youknow,thatstateoftotalresponsibilityforanotherbeing?Well,atleast,thatâsthetheory.â
IwasnâtsureIwasfollowingthisatall.
âAahz?AreyoutryingtosayyoufeelresponsibleforwhathappenedwithMarkiebecauseyouhadnâttaughtmemoreaboutmagicandpoker?â
âYes.No.Idonâtknow.â
âButthatâssilly!â
âIknow,âhereplied,withhisfirsthonestgrinsinceIhadenteredthegarden.âThatâswhatgotmethinkingaboutparenthood.â
Iabandonedanyhopeoffollowinghislogic.
âYouâllhavetoexplainittome,Aahz.Iâmalittleslowtoday.â
Hestraightenedupabit,drapingonearmaroundmyshoulders.
âIâlltry,butitisnâteasy,âhesaidinatonethatwasalmostconversational.âYousee,regardlessofwhatIsaidwhenIwasrantingatyouabouthowmuchofaproblemMarkiewasgoingtobe,itâsbeenalongtimesinceIwasaparent.Iâvebeensittinghere,tryingtorememberwhatitwaslike.WhatâssosurprisingtomeistherealizationthatIâveneverreallystopped.Nobodydoes.â
Istartedtoshiftuncomfortably.
âHearmeout.ForonceIâmtryingtosharesomeofmyhard-wonlessonswithyouwithoutshouting.Forgetthetheoriesofparenthood!Whatitâsreallyallaboutistakingprideinthingsyoucanneverbesureyouhadahandin,andacceptingtheresponsibilityandguiltforthingsyoueitherdidnâtknoworhadnocontrolover.Actually,itâsalotmorecomplicatedthanthat,butthatâsthebarebonesofthematter.â
âYoudonâtmakeitsoundparticularlyattractive,âIobserved.
âInalotofways,itisnât.Yourkidexpectsyoutoknoweverything...tobeabletoansweranyquestionheasksand,moreimportant,toprovidealogicalexplanationofwhatisessentiallyanillogicalworld.Society,ontheotherhand,expectsyoutotrainyourkidineverythingnecessaryforthemtobecomeasuccessful,responsiblememberofthecommunity...evenifyouarenâtyourself.Theproblemisthatyouarenâttheonlysourceofinputforthekid.Friends,schools,andotheradultsareallsupplyingotheropinions,manyofwhichyoudonâtagreewith.Thatmeansthatifyourkidsucceeds,youdonâtreallyknowifitwasbecauseoforinspiteofyourinfluence.Ontheotherhand,ifthekidgoesbad,youalwayswonderiftherewassomethingelseyoucouldhavesaidordoneordonedifferentlythatcouldhavesalvagedthingsbeforetheyhitthewall.â
Hishandtightenedslightlyonmyshoulder,butIdonâtthinkhediditconsciously.
âNow,Iwasnâtaparticularlygoodparent...whichIliketothinkplacesmeinthemajority.Ididnâtinteractmuchwithmykids.Businesswasalwaysagoodexcuse,butthetruthwasthatIwasgladtoletsomeoneelsehandletheir
upbringingasmuchaspossible.IcanseenowthatitwasbecauseIwasafraidthatifItriedtodoitmyself,thatinmyignoranceanduncertaintyIwouldmakesometerriblemistake.Theendresultwasthatsomeofthekidsturnedoutokay,someofthem...letâssaylessthanokay.WhatIwasleftwithwasanaggingfeelingthatIcouldhavedonebetter.ThatIcouldhave-shouldhave-mademoreofadifference.â
Hereleasedhisholdonmyshouldersandstoodup.
âWhichbringsustoyou.â
IwasnâtsureifIshouldfeeluncomfortablebecausehewasfocusingonme,orgladbecausehewaspacingagain.
âIâveneverconsciouslythoughtofyouasason,butinhindsightIrealizethatalotofhowIâvetreatedyouhasbeendrivenbymylingeringguiltfromparenthood.Inyou,Ihadanotherchancetomoldsomeone...togivealltheadviceIfeltIshouldhavegivenmyownkids.IfattimesIâveseemedtooverreactwhenthingsdidnâtgowell,itâsbecausedeepinsideIsawitasapersonalfailure.Imean,thiswasmysecondchance.AtimetoshowhowmuchIhadlearnedfrommyearlierperceivedfailures,andyouknowwhat?NowIâmgivingitmyfullattentionandmybestshot,andthingsarestillgoingwrong!â
Thiswasdoingnothingtobrightenmymood.Ontopofeverythingelse,nowIhadthedistinctfeelingIhadsomehowletAahzdown.
âIdonâtthinkyoucansayitâsyourfault,Aahz.Imean,youâvetriedhardandbeenmorepatientwithmethananyoneIâveeverknown.Nobodycanteachsomeoneelseeverything,eveniftheycouldrememberwhatshouldbetaught.Iâvegotacertainsaturationpoint.Afterthat,IâmnotgoingtolearnanythingnewuntilIâvedigestedwhatIâvegot.Eventhen,IâvegottobehonestandsaytherearesomethingsIdonâtbelievenomatterhowoftenyoutellme.Iâvejustgottofindoutformyself.Acraftsmancanâtblamehisskillifhehasdefectivematerial.â
âThatâsjustwhatIâvebeenthinking,âAahznodded.âIcanâtkeepblamingmyselfforeverything.Itâsveryastuteofyoutohavefiguredthisoutatyourage...withoutgoingthroughwhatIhave.â
âItâsnobigthingtofigureoutthatIâmadummy,âIsaidbitterly.âIâveknownit
allalong.â
Suddenly,Ifeltmyselfbeingliftedintotheair.IlookedpastAahzâshand,whichwasgrippingmyshirtbythecollar,downthelengthofhisarm,andintohisyelloweyes.
âWronglesson!âhesnarled,soundingmuchlikehisoldself.âWhatyouâresupposedtobelearningisnâtthatyouâredumb.Youârenot,andifyouwerelistening,Ijustcomplimentedyouonthatfact.â
âThenwhat...âImanaged,withwhatlittleairIhadleft.
âThepointisthatwhatâshappenedinthepastisnâtmyfault,justlikewhatâshappeningnowisnâtyourfault!â
âAaggh...urk...âwasmyswiftrebuttal.
âOh!Sorry.â
Myfeethitthefloorandairfloodedbackintomylungs.
âAllaparent,anyparent,candoisgiveittheirbestshot,rightorwrong.âAahzcontinuedasiftherehadbeennointerruption.âTheactualoutcomerestsonsomanyvariables,nosinglepersoncanassumeresponsibility,blame,orpraiseforwhateverhappens.Thatâsimportantformetorememberinmydealingswithyou...andforyoutorememberinyourdealingswithMarkie.Itâsnotyourfault!â
âItisnât?â
âThatâsright.Webothhavestrongpaternalstreaksinus,thoughIdonâtknowwhereyougotyoursfrom,butallwecandoisourbest.Weâvegottoremembernottotrytoshouldertheblameforwhatotherpeopledo..likeTananda.â
Thatsoberedmeupagain.âYouknowaboutthat,huh?â
âYeah.Shetoldmetotellyougoodbyeifshedidnâtseeyou,butIguessyoualreadyknow.â
Isimplynodded,unabletospeak.
âIwasalreadyworriedabouthowyouweregoingtoreacttotheproblemswithMarkie,andwhenTanandaleftIknewyouweregoingtotakeithard.Iâvebeentryingtofindawaytoshowyouthatyouarenâtalone.Rightorwrong,whatyouârefeelinghasbeenaroundforalongtime.â
âThanks,Aahz.â
âHasithelpedatall?â
Ithoughtforamoment.âAbit.â
Mypartnerheavedanothersigh.
âWell,âhesaid,âItried.Thatwhatâsimportant...Ithink.â
âCheerio,chaps.Howâseverylittlething?â
IglanceduptofindChumleystridingtowardus,beamingmerrily.âOh.Hi,Chumley.â
âIthoughtyouâdliketoknow,âthetrollannounced,âIthinkIâvefiguredoutawaytochargethedamageMarkiecausedthisafternoonbacktotheMobasabusinessexpense!â
âThatâsswell,Chumley,âAahzsaiddully.
âYeah.Terrific.â
ââAllo,âallo?âhesaid,cockinghisheadatus.âAnytimethetwobiggesthustlersattheBazaarfailtogetexcitedovermoney,thereâsgottobesomethingwrong.Outwithitnow.Whatâstroublingyou?â
âDoyouwanttotellhim,Aahz?â
âWell...â
âIsay,thiswouldnâtbeaboutlittlesisterleavingthenest,wouldit?Oh,thereâsagiggle.â
âYouknow?âIblinked.
âIcanseeyouâreallbrokenupoverit,âAahzsaidinadangeroustone.
âTishtosh!âthetrollexclaimed.âIdonâtseewhereitâsanythingtogetupsetabout.Tanandaâsjustsettlingthingsinhermind,isall.Sheâsfoundthatshelikessomethingthatgoesagainstherself-image.Itmighttakeafewdays,buteventuallysheâllfigureoutthatitâsnottheendoftheworld.Everybodygoesthroughit.Itâscalledâgrowingup.âIfanything,Ithinkitâsbloodymarvelousthatsheâsfinallyhavingtolearnthatthingsdonâtstaythesameforever.â
âYoudo?âIwassuddenlystartingtofeelbetter.
âCertainly.Why,injustthetimeweâvebeenchummingaroundtogether,Aahzhaschanged,youâvechanged,sohaveI,thoughIdonâttendtoshowitasdramaticallyasyoutwoorlittlesister.Youblokeshavejustgotabadcaseoftheguilts.Poppycock!Youcanâttaketheblameforeverything,youknow.â
âThatâsgoodadvice,âIsaid,standingupandstretching.âWhycanâtyouevergivemegoodadvicelikethat,partner?â
âCauseanyfoolcanseeitwithoutbeingtold,âAahzsnarled,buttherewasatwinkleinhiseye.âTheproblemisthatPervectsarenâtjustanyfool.â
âQuiteright,âChumleygrinned.âNowhowaboutjoiningmeinalittleHappyHourspotofwinewhileItellyouhowcleverIamatsavingyoumoney.â
âIâdratheryouimpresseduswithasolutiontoourbaby-sittingproblems.âmypartnersaidgrimly,headingforthelounge.
Ifollowedintheirwake,strangelyhappy.Thingswerebacktonormal...orasnormalastheyevergetaroundhere.Betweenus,Iwassurewecouldfindapositivecourseofaction.Imean,afterall,howmuchtroublecouldonelittlegirl...
Thatthoughtcrumbledinfrontofanimageofelemental-blowntents.Iresolvedtodomorelisteningthantalkingintheupcomingwarcouncil.
ChapterNine:âTheyneverletyouliveitdown.Onelittlemistake!â
-NERO
RELAXINGoverdrinkswithAahzandChumley,Ifeltthetensionsanddepressionsofthedayslippingaway.Itwasnicetoknowthatwhenthingsreallygottough,Ihadfriendstohelpmesolvemyproblems,howevercomplexorapparentlyhopeless.
âWell,guys,âIsaid,pouringanotherroundofwineforeveryone.âAnyideasastowhatweshoulddo?â
âBeatsme.âChumleysaid,toyingwithhisgoblet.
âIstillthinkitâsyourproblem,âAahzannounced,leaningbackinhischairandgrinningevilly.âImean,afterall,yougotintoitwithoutourhelp.â
LikeIsaid,itâsgreattohavefriends.
âIcanâtsayIgoalongwiththat,Aahzoldboy,âthetrollsaidwithawave.âAlthoughIâlladmititâstempting.Theunfortunaterealityisthataslongasweârelivingandworkingascloselyasweare,hisproblemsareoutproblems,donâtyouknow?â
AsmuchasIappreciatedthefactthatChumleyâslogicwasmovingthemclosertolendingmeassistance,Ifelttheneedtodefendmyselfalittle.
âIâdliketothinkitâsatwo-waystreet,Aahz.Iâvegottendraggedintoafewofyourproblemsaswell.â
Hestartedtosnapback,thenpursedhislipsandreturnedhisattentiontohiswine.âIâllavoidcomparinglistsofhowoftenwhichofushasgottenusinhowmuchtroubleandsimplyconcedethepoint.Iguessthatâspartofwhatapartnershipisallabout.SorryifIseemalittlesnorkyfromtimetotime,butIâve
neverhadapartnerbefore.Ittakesgettingusedto.â
âIsay!Wellsaid,Aahz!âChumleyapplauded.âYouknow,youâregettingmorecivilizedeveryday.â
âLetâsnotgettoocarriedawayjustyet.Howaboutyou,Chumley?Youandyoursisterhavehelpedusoutoftenenough,butIdonâtrecalleitherofyoubringingyourproblemshomewithyou.Isnâtthatalittlelopsided?â
âIâvealwaysfigureditâsourwayofkickinginontherent,âthetrollsaidcasually.âIfourproblemseverstartinterferingwithyourwork,thenIâllfigureweâveoverstayedourwelcome.â
Thiscameasatotalsurprisetome.Irealizedwithastart,thatIwasusuallysobusywithmyownlifeandproblemsthatInevergotaroundtoaskingmuchabouttheworkChumleyandTanandaweredoing.
âWhoaupaminutehere,âIsaid.âAreyoutwohavingproblemsIdonâtknowabout?â
âWell,itisnâtallbeerandskittles,âthetrollgrimacedbriefly.âThesubjectathand,however,isyourproblems.Thereâsnothingonmyplatethathasahigherpriorityjustnow,soletâsgettoworkonthelatestcrisis,shallwe?Isuggestweallputonourthinkingcapsandbrainstormalittle.Letâsjuststareattheceilingandeachtossoutideasastheyoccurtous.â
ImademyselfalittlepromisetoreturntothesubjectofTanandaandChumleyâsproblemsatalaterdate,thenjoinedtheothersinstaringthoughtfullyattheceiling.Timecrawledalong,andnoonesaidanything.
âWell,somuchforbrainstorming,âAahzsaid,reachingforthewineagain.âIâlladmitIâmcomingupblank.â
âPerhapsitwouldhelpifwestartedbydefiningtheproblem,âChumleyurged.âNow,asIseeit,wehavetwoproblems:MarkieandBunny.WeâregoingtohavetroublefiguringoutwhattodoaboutBunnyuntilwefindoutwhatDonBrucehasuphissleeve,andweâvegottocomeupwithawaytokeepMarkiefromtotallydisruptingourlivesuntilherfathercomestopickherup.â
âIfhepicksherup,âmypartnercorrectedhelpfully.
âIâlladmit,IstilldonâtknowhowyoudidsowellinthatgametoendupwithMarkieinthefirstplace,âthetrollsaid,cockingoneoutsizedeyeatmeandignoringAahz.
âDumbluck...withtheemphasisondumb.â
âThatâsnotthewayIheardit,âChumleysmirked.
âWhateveryourmethodwas,itwassuccessfulenoughtomakeyouthetalkoftheBazaar.â
âWhat!?âAahzsaid,sittingupinhischairagain.
âYouwouldhearityourselfifyouwerenâtspendingallyourtimesulkinginyourroom,âthetrollwinked.
âWhenIwentoutafterlittlesistertoday,itseemedthatallIwashearingaboutwasthenewdragonpokerchampionofDeva.Everybodyâstalkingaboutthegame,orwhattheyâveheardaboutthegame.Isuspecttheyâreembellishinguponthefacts,fromsomeofthedescriptionofthehands,buttherearethosewhoaretakingitallasgospel.â
Irememberedthenthatwhenthegamebrokeup,theotherplayershadbeenveryenthusiasticaboutmyplaying.Atthetime,IhadbeenworriedaboutthesecretofmynightoutreachingAahz(which,youâllrecall,itdidbeforeIgothome).ThetroubleswithMarkieandBunnyhadoccupiedmymindandtimeeversince,soIhadnâtstoppedtothinkofotherpotentialrepercussionsofthegamegossip.Now,however...
Aahzwasoutofhisseat,pacingbackandforth.
âChumley,ifwhatyouâresayingistrue...areyoufollowingthis,partner?â
âToobloodywell,âIgrowled.
Thatgotmypartnertopausemomentarilytorollhiseyes.
âWatchyourself,âhewarned.âYouârestartingtotalklikeChumleynow.â
âYouwantIshouldtalklikeGuidoinstead,knowwhatImean?â
âIdonâtunderstand,âthetrollinterrupted.âIssomethingamiss?â
âWedonâthavetwoproblems,âAahzannounced.
âWeâvegotthree!Markie,Bunny,andtherumormill!â
âGossip?Howcanthatbeaproblem?â
âThinkitthrough,Chumley,âIsaid.âAllIneedrightnowistohaveabunchofhotshotdragonpokerplayershuntingmeuptoseeifIâmasgoodaseverybodysays.â
âThatâsonlypartofit,partner,âAahzadded.âThiscouldhurtourbusinessandpublicimagesaswell.â
Iclosedmyeyesandsighed.
âSpellitoutforme,Aahz.Iâmstilllearning,remember?â
âWell,wealreadyknowyourreputationatmagichasbeengrowingfast...almosttoofast.Thecompetitionhatesyoubecauseyouâretakingalltheprimeassignments.Nobigdeal!Professionaljealousyisthepriceofsuccessinanyfield.Therecomesatime,however,whenyoucangettoobigtoofast.Thenitisnâtjustyourrivalsyouworryabout.Everybodywantsyoutakendownapegortwoiffornootherreasonthantoconvincethemselvesthatyoursuccessisabnormal...thattheydonâthavetofeelbadfornotmeasuringup.â
Hepausedtostareatmehard.
âIâmafraidthisdragonpokerthingjustmightpushyouintothesecondcategory.AlotofbeingsexcelhereattheBazaar,buttheyâreonlynotedinonefield.TheGeek,forexample,isarecognizedfigureamongthegamblers,buthedoesnâthaveanyreputationtospeakofasamagicianormerchant.Peoplecanacceptthat...workhardandyourisetowardthetopofyourgroup.You,ontheotherhand,havejustmadeastrongshowinginasecondprofession.Iâmafraidthereâsgoingtobesomebacklash.â
âBacklash?âIechoedweakly.
âItâslikeIâvebeentryingtotellyou:peoplearenâtgoingtowantyoutogettoo
muchabovethem.Attheveryleasttheymightstartboycottingourbusiness.Atmost...well,therearewaysofsabotagingotherpeopleâssuccess.â
âYoumeantheyâregoingto...â
âThatâsenough!âChumleydeclared,slappinghispalmdownonthetableloudly.
ItsuddenlyoccurredtomethatIhadneverseenChumleymad.ItalsooccurredtomethatIwasgladourfurniturewasstrongenoughtowithstandevenAahzâstirades.Ifnot,thetrollwouldhavedestroyedthetablejuststoppingtheconversation.
âNowlistenup,bothofyou!âheordered,levelingagnarledfingeratus.âIthinkthecurrentcrisishasgonetoyourheads.Youtwoareoverreacting...snappingatshadows!Iâlladmitweâvegotsomeproblems,butweâvehandledworse.Thisisnotimetogetpanicky.â
âBut...â
âHearmeout,Aahz.Iâvelistenedtoyoubellowoftenenough.â
Iopenedmymouthtomakeawittycomment,then,foronce,thoughtbetterofit.
âMarkieisapotentialdisaster,butthekeywordthereispotential.Sheâsagoodkidwhowilldowhatwesay...ifwelearntowatchwhatwesaytoher.ThesamegoesforBunny.Sheâssmartasawhipand...â
âBunny?âIblurted,forgettingmyselfforamoment.
âYes,Bunny.ItâsbeenalongtimesincethereâsbeenanyonearoundhereIcoulddiscussliteratureandtheaterwith.Sheâsreallyquiteintelligentifyoubothertotalktoher.â
âWearetalkingaboutthesameBunny,arenâtwe?âAahzmurmured.âTheonewhocomesacrossdumbasastone,â
Chumleyconfirmedgrimly.âJustrememberhowIcomeacrosswhenIâmputtingonmyBigCrunchact...butweârewandering.Thesubjectisproblems,andImaintainwithalittlecoachingBunnywonâtbeone.â
Hepausedtoglareatus.
âAstotherumorofSkeeveâsabilitiesatdragonpoker,Iâveneverinmylifeheardanyonegetasalarmedasyou,Aahz.Sure,therearenegativesidestoanyrumor,butyouhavetogetprettyextremetodotheprojectionsthathavebeenvoicedjustnow.â
âHey,Boss!âGuidocalled,stickinghisheadinthedoor.âTheGeekâsheretoseeyou.â
âIâllhandlethis,âAahzsaid,headingforthereceptionarea.âYoustayhereandlistentowhatChumleyhastosay.Heâsprobablyright.Ihavebeenedgylately...forsomeunknownreason.â
âIfIamright,thenyoushouldhearit,too,âthetrollcalledafterhim.
âTalktome,Chumley,âIsaid.âThatâsprobablytheclosestyouâlleverheartoanapologyfromAahz,anyway.â
âQuiteright.WherewasI?Oh,yes.EvenifAahzâsappraisalofthereactiontoyoursuccessiscorrect,itshouldnâthavetoomuchimpactonyourwork.Thesmallfrymaygotoothermagicians,butyouâvebeentryingtocutdownonunimportantjobsanyway.Whensomeoneisreallyintrouble,theyâregoingtowantthebestavailablemagicianworkingonit...andrightnow,thatmeansyou.â
Ithoughtaboutwhathewassaying,weighingitcarefullyinmymind.
âEvenifAahzisjustalittleright,âIsaid,âIâmnotwildabouthavinganyillfeelinggeneratedaboutmeattheBazaar.AdmirationIdonâtmind,butenvymakesmeuneasy.â
âNowthatyouâlljusthavetogetusedto,âthetrolllaughed,clappingahandlightlyonmyshoulder.
âWhetheryouknowitornot,thatâsbeenbuildingforsometime...longbeforethisdragonpokerthingcameup.Youâvegotalotgoingforyou,Skeeve,andaslongasyoudo,therewillbeblokeswhoenvyit.â
âSoyoureallythinkthedragonpokerrumorsareharmless?â
âQuiteright.Really,whatharmcancomefromidlegossip?â
âYouknow,Chumley,youarenâtwrongveryoften.Butwhenyoumiss,youreallymiss.â
WelookeduptofindAahzleaninginthedoorway.
âWhatâswrong,Aahz?Youlooklikesomeonejustservedyouwaterwhenyouwereexpectingwine.â
Mypartnerdidnâtevensmileatmyattemptedhumor.
âWorsethanthat,âhesaid.âThatwastheGeekdownstairs.â
âWeknow.Whatdidhewant?â
âIwashopinghehadcometopickupMarkieforherfather....âAahzâsvoicetrailedofftonothing.
âItakeithedidnât?âIprompted.
âNo,hedidnât.Infact,thesubjectnevercameup.â
Almostwithoutthinking,mypartnerâshandgropedforhisoversizedgobletofwine.
âHehadaninvitation...no,makethatachallenge.TheSen-SenAnteKidhasheardaboutSkeevehere.Hewantsashowdownmatchofhead-to-headdragonpoker.TheGeekismakingthearrangements.â
ChapterTen:âAspoonfulofsugarhelpsthemedicinegodown!â
-L.BORGIA
âJUSTlettheenergyflow.â
âThatâseasyforyoutosay!â
âDidIstutter?â
âYouknow,HotStuff,maybeitwouldbebetterifI...â
âQuittalkingandconcentrate,Massha.â
âYoustartedit.â
âAndIâmfinishingit.Focusonthecandle!â
Ifsomeofthatsoundsvaguelyfamiliar,itshould.Itâstheoldâlightthecandleâgame.Theoretically,itbuildsastudentâsconfidence.Inactuality,itâsapaininthebutt.
Apprenticeshatethecandledrill.IdidwhenIwasanapprentice.Itâsalotmorefunwhenyouâreontheteachingend.
âComeon,Skeeve.Iâmgettingtoooldtolearnthisstuff.â
âAndyouâregettingolderthelongeryoustall,apprentice.Remember,youcametometolearnmagic.JustbecauseweâvegottendistractedfromtimetotimedoesnâtmeanIâveforgottencompletely.Nowlightthecandle.â
SheturnedherattentiontotheexerciseagainwithamutterIchosetoignore.
IhadbeenthinkinghardaboutmyconversationswithAahzandChumley.The
wholequestionofwhattodoaboutthechallengefromtheKidwastouchyenoughthatforonceIdecidedtoseekthecounselofmyadvisorsbeforemakingacommitmentImightlaterregret.
Wiserheadsthanminewereaddressingthedilemmaatthisverymoment.Unfortunately,aforesaidwiserheadswereintotaldisagreementastowhatcourseofactiontofollow.
Aahzwasinfavorofrefusingthematch,whileChumleyinsistedthatarefusalwouldonlyinflamethesituation.HemaintainedthattheonlysanewayoutwouldbetofacetheKidandlose(nooneseriouslythoughtIwouldhaveachanceinsuchagame),therebygettingmeoffthehotseatonceandforall.Themainproblemwiththatsolutionwasthatitinvolvedvoluntarilygivingupasubstantialamountofmoney...andAahzwouldnâthearofit.
Asthebattleragedon,Ithoughtabouttheearlierportionsofourconversations.Ithoughtaboutparenthoodandresponsibility.ThenIwentlookingforMassha.
Whenwefirstmet,Masshawasholdingdownajobascourtmagicianforoneofthecity-statesinthedimensionofJahk...thatâsright.WheretheyholdtheBigGameeveryyear.Theproblemwasthatshedidnâtreallyknowanymagic.Shewaswhatisknowninthefieldasamechanic,andallherpowerswerepurchasedacrossthecounterintheformofrings,pendants,andothermagicaldevices.AftershesawusstrutourstuffintheBigGame,shedecidedtotrytolearnsomeofthenon-mechanicalvarietyofmagic...andforsomeunknownreasonpickedorpickedonmetoprovideherwithlessons.
Now,tosaytheleast,IhadneverthoughtofMasshaasadaughter,butshewasmyapprenticeandthereforearesponsibilityIhadaccepted.Unfortunately,IhaddodgedthatresponsibilitymoreoftenthannotfortheveryreasonsAahzhadlisted:Iwasunsureofmyownabilitiesandthereforeafraidofmakingamistake.WhatIhadnâtdonewasgiveitmybestshot,winorlose.ThatrealizationsparkedmeintoanewresolvethatifanythinghappenedtoMasshainthefuture,itwouldnâtbebecauseIhadnâtatleasttriedtoteachherwhatsheasked.
IwasalsoawarethatIwantedtolearnmoreaboutanyproblemsChumleyandTanandawerehaving,aswellasgettingabetterfixonjustwhoorwhatBunnywas.Atthismoment,however,TanandawasabsentandChumleywasarguing
withAahz,puttingthatobjectiveonhold.Bunnywasaroundsomewhere,butgivenachoicebetweenherandMassha,Ioptedforaddressingoldobligationsbeforeplungingintonewones.
Ergo,IroustedoutMasshaforalong-overduemagiclesson.
âItâsjustnotworking,Skeeve.ItoldyouIcanâtdoit.â
Shesankbackinherchairdejectedandscowledatthefloor.Curious,Ireachedoverandfeltthecandlewick.
Itwasnâtevenwarm.
âNotbad,âIlied.âYouâreshowingsomeimprovement.â
âDonâtkidakidder.âMasshagrimaced.âIâmnotgettinganywhere.â
âCouldyoulightitwithoneofyourrings?â
Shespreadherfingersandmadeaquickinventory.
âSure.Thislittletrinketrightherecoulddothejob,butthatâsnotthepoint.â
âBearwithme.Howdoesitwork?Or,moreimportant,howdoesitfeelwhenitworks?â
Shegaveaquickshrug.
âThereâsnothingtoit.Yousee,thiscirclearoundthestoneheremoves,andIrotateitaccordingtohowtightabeamIwant.Pressingthebackoftheringactivatesit,soallIhavetodoisaimitandrelax.Theringdoesallthework.â
âThatâsit!âIexclaimed,snappingmyfingers.
âWhatâsit?â
âNevermind.Keepgoing.Howdoesitfeel?â
âWell,âshefrownedthoughtfully.âItsortoftingles.ItâslikeIwasahoseandtherewaswaterrushingthroughmeandoutthering.â
âBingo!â
âWhatâsthatsupposedtomean?â
âListen,Massha.Listenclosely.â
Iwasspeakingcarefullynow,tryinghardtocontainmyexcitementoverwhatIhopedwasamajorbreakthrough.
âOurproblemwithteachingyounon-mechanicalmagicisthatyoudonâtbelieveinit!Imean,youknowthatitexistsandall,butyoudonâtbelievethatyoucandoit.Youâreworkinghardatovercomingthateverytimeyoutrytocastaspell,andthatâstheproblem:Youtry...Youworkhard.Youknowyouâvegottobelieve,soyouworkhardatovercomingthatdisbeliefeverytimeyou...â
âYeah.So?â
âItmeansyoutenseupinsteadofrelaxingthewayyoudowhenyouâreworkingyourrings.Tensingblockstheflowoftheenergies,soyouendupwithlesspoweratyourdisposalthanyouhavewhenyouârejustwalkingaround.Theideaofcastingaspellisnâttotenseup,itâstorelax...ifanything,itâsanexerciseinforcedrelaxation.â
Myapprenticebitatherlowerlip.âIdonâtknow.Thatsoundstooeasy.â
âOntheonehanditâseasy.Viewedadifferentway,oneofthehardestthingstodoisrelaxoncue,especiallyifthereâsacrisisragingaroundyouatthetime.â
âSoallIhavetoisrelax?âsheaskedskeptically.
âRememberthatâhoseâfeelingyougetwhenyouusethering?Thatâstheenergiesbeingchanneledthroughyouandfocusedonyourobjective.Ifyoupinchoffahose,howmuchwatergetsthrough?â
âIguessthatmakessense.â
âTryit...now.Reachoutyourhandandfocusonthecandlewickasifyouweregoingtouseyourring,onlydonâtactivateit.Justtellyourselfthattheringisworkingandrelax.â
Shestartedtosaysomething,thenchangedhermind.Instead,shedrewadeepbreath,blewitout,thenpointedafingeratthecandle.
âJustrelax,âIurgedsoftly.âLettheenergiesflow.â
âBut...â
âDonâttalk.KeepyourmindonthecandleandhearmelikeIâmtalkingfromalongwayoff.â
Obediently,shefocusedonthecandle.
âFeeltheflowofenergies...justlikewhenyouâreusingthering.Relaxsomemore.Feelhowtheflowincreases?Now,withouttensingup,tightenthatflowdowntoanarrowbeamandaimitatthewick.â
IwasconcentratingonMasshasomuchIalmostmissedit.Asmallglowoflightstartedtoformonthecandlewick.
âThatâsit,âIsaid,fightingtokeepmyvoicecalm.âNow...â
âDaddy!Guidosays...â
âSsshh!!!âIhissed.âNotnow,Markie!Weâretryingtolightthecandle.â
Shepausedinthedoorwayandcockedherheadquizzically.
âOh,thatâseasy!âshebeamedsuddenlyandraisedherhead.
âMARKIE!!DONâT...â
ButIwastoolate.
Therewasasuddenflashoflightintheroom,andthecandlelit.Well,itdidnâtexactlylight,itmeltedlikeabagofwaterwhenyoutakeawaythebag.Sodidthecandleholder.Thetablelit,though...briefly.Atleastonecomerofitdid.Itflaredforamoment,thenthefirediedasabruptlyasithadappeared.Whatwasleftwasacharredquarter-circleoftabletopwherethecornerusedtobe.Thatandatablelegstandingalonelikeaburntouttorch.Thefirehadhitsofastandsmooththelegdidnâteventoppleover.
IdonâtrememberreachingforMarkie,butsomehowIhadherbytheshouldersshakingher.
âWHATDIDYOUDOTHATFOR??âIsaidinmybestpaternaltones.
âYou...yousaid...youwantedthe....candlelit.â
âThatâslightingacandle?!?â
âIstillhavealittletroublewithcontrol...butmyteachersaysIâmdoingbetter.â
IrealizedIwashavingalittletroublewithcontrol,too.Istoppedshakingherandtriedtocalmmyself.ThiseffortwasaidedbythefactthatInoticedMarkieâslipwasquiveringandshewasblinkinghereyesrapidly.
Itsuddenlydawnedonmethatshewasabouttocry.Idecidedthat,notknowingwhatwouldhappenwhenshecried,Iwoulddomybesttostayignorantbyheadingheroffatthepass.
âUmm...thatwasaFireElemental,right?DidyoulearnthatatElementalSchool?â
Gettingsomeonetotalkoftenservestostaveofftears...atleast,ithadalwaysworkedonme.
âY...Yes,âshesaidmeekly.âAtElementalSchool,welearnFireforstarters.â
âItâs...ummm...veryimpressive.Look,IâmsorryifIbarkedatyou,Markie,butyousee,Ididnâtjustwantthecandlelit.IwantedMasshatolightit.Itwaspartofhermagiclesson.â
âIdidnâtknowthat.â
âIknow.Ididnâtthinktotellyou.ThatâswhyIâmapologizing.Whathappenedherewasmyfault.Okay?â
Shenoddedherhead,exaggeratingthemotionuntilitlookedlikeshehadabrokenneck.Itwasaninterestingillusion,onethatIvastlypreferredtotheideaofhercrying...especiallyinthemoodIwasin.ThethoughtofMarkiewithabrokenneck...
âAahh...youdidinterruptMasshaâslesson,though,âIsaid,forcingtheotherconceptfrommymind.âDonâtyouthinkitwouldbeniceifyouapologizedtoher?â
âThatâsagreatidea,Daddy,âshebeamed.âIâlldothatthenexttimeIseeher.Okay?â
ThatâswhenIrealizedmyapprenticehadslippedoutoftheroom.
âWhatdoyouthinkyouâredoing,Massha?â
LeaningcasuallyinthedoorwayofMasshaâsbedroom,IrealizedmyvoicelackedtheintimidatingpowerofAahzâs,butitâstheonlyvoiceIâvegot.
âWhatdoesitlooklikeIâmdoing?âshesnarled,carryingamassivearmloadofclothesfromherclosettodumponthebed.
âIâdsay,offhand,thatitlookslikeyouârepacking.Thequestionis,why?â
âPeopleusuallypackbecauseitâstheeasiestwaytocarrytheirthingswhentheytravel.Lesswearandtearonthewardrobe.â
Suddenly,Iwaswearyofthebanter.Heavingasigh,Imovedinfrontofher,blockingherpath.
âNomoregames,Massha.Okay?Tellmestraightout,whyareyouleaving?Donâtyouoweyourteacherthatmuchatleast?â
Sheturnedaway,busyingherselfwithsomethingonherdresser.âCâmon,Skeeve,âshesaidinatonesolowIcouldbarelyhearit.âYousawwhathappeneddownstairs.â
âIsawyouonthevergeofmakingamajorbreakthroughinyourlessons,ifthatâswhatyoumean.IfMarkiehadnâtcomein,youwouldhavehadthecandlelitinanotherfewseconds.â
âBigdeal!â
Shespuntofaceme,andIcouldseethatshewastryingnottocry.Thereseemedtobealotofthatgoingaround.
âExcuseme,Skeeve,butbigfathairydeal.SoIcanlightacandle.Sowhat?!Afteryearsofstudy,Masshacanlightacandle...andalittlegirlcanblowtheendoffthetablewithouteventrying!Whatdoesthatmakeme?Amagician?Haha!Whatajoke.â
âMassha,IcanâtdowhatMarkiediddownstairs...orwhatshedidintheBazaareither,forthatmatter.ItoldyouwhenyoufirstapproachedmetobemyapprenticeexactlyhowlittlemagicIknew.Iâmstilllearning,though...andinthemeantimeweârestillholdingourowninthemagicbusiness...andthatâshereattheBazaar.TheMagicCapitalofthedimensions.â
Thatseemedtosettleherabit,butnotmuch.
âTellmehonestly.HotStuff,âshesaid,pursingherlips.âHowgooddoyouthinkIcouldeverbewithmagic...really?â
âIdonâtknow.Iâdliketothinkthatwithworkandpracticeyoucouldbebetterthanyouarenow,though.Thatâsreallyallanyofuscanhopefor.â
âYoumayberight,Skeeve,anditâsagoodthought.Thefactstillremainsthatinthemeantime,Iâllalwaysbesmallpotatoesaroundhere...magically,ofcourse.Thewaythingsaregoing,Iâmdestinedtobeahanger-on.Aleech.YouandAahzareniceguys,andyouâdneverthrowmeout,butIcanâtthinkofonegoodreasonwhyIshouldstay.â
âlean.â
MyheadcamearoundsofastIwasinmomentarydangerofwhiplash.Framedinthedoorwaywas...
âTANANDA!â
âIntheflesh,âshesaidwithawink.âButthatâsnotthesubjecthere.Massha,Icanâtspeakforlong-termconditionsbutIâvegotonegoodreasonwhyyoushouldnâtleaveJustnow.ItâsthesamereasonIâmnot.
âWhatâsthat?â
âItinvolvestheGreatSkeevehere.Câmondownstairs.Imgoingtobriefeverybodyatonceatawarcouncil.Weâvegotafull-blowncrisisonourhandsâ
ChapterEleven:âIbelieveweâreunderattack.â
-COL.TRAVIS
ONEoftheroomsinourextra-dimensionalpalacehadalargeovaltableinitsurroundedbychairs.Whenwemovedin,wedubbedittheConferenceRoom,sincetheredidnâtseemtobeanyotherpracticaluseforit.Weneveruseditforconferences,mindyou,butitâsalwaysnicetohaveaconferenceroom.
Tonight,however,itwaspackedtocapacity.ApparentlyTanandahadroundedupthewholehousehold,includingMarkieandBunny,beforelocatingMasshaandme,andeveryonewasalreadyseatedaswewalkedin.
âCanwegetstartednow?âAahzaskedcaustically.âIdohaveotherthingstodo,youknow.â
âReally?âChumleysneered.âLikewhat?â
âLiketalkingtotheGeekaboutthatinvitation,âmypartnershotback.
âWithouttalkingtoyourpartnerfirst?â
âIdidnâtsayIwasgoingtorefuseoraccept.Ijustwanttotalktohimabout...â
âCanwetabletheargumentforthemoment?âIinterrupted.âIwanttohearwhatTanandahastosay.â
âThanks,Skeeve,âshesaid,flashingmeaquicksmilebeforedroppingbackintohersolemnmanner.âIguessyouallknowIwasmovingoutofhere.Well,pokingaroundtheBazaar,Iheardarumorthatâschangedmymind.Ifitâstrue,weâreallgoingtohaveourhandsfulldealingwithit.â
Shepaused,butnooneelsesaidanything.Forachange,wewereallgivingherourundividedattention.
âIguessIshoulddroptheshoefirst,thenwecanallgoonfromthere.ThetalkonthestreetisthatsomeoneâshiredtheAxtodoanumberonSkeeve.â
Therewasafewheartbeatsofsilence;thentheroomexploded.
âWhyshouldanyone...â
âWhoâshiredtheAx?â
âWheredidyouhear...â
âHoldit!HOLDIT!âTanandashouted,holdingupherhandsforsilence.âIcanonlyansweronequestionatatime...butIâllwarnyouinadvance,Idonâthavethatmanyanswerstostartwith.â
âWhoâshiredhim?âAahzdemanded,seizingfirstposition.
âThewayIheardit,agroupofmagicianshereattheBazaarisnonetoohappywithSkeeveâssuccess.Theyfeelheâstakingallthechoiceassignmentsthesedays...gettingalltheglorywork.WhattheyâvedoneispooltheirmoneysotheycanhiretheAxtodowhattheyâreallafraidtodothemselves...namely,dealwithSkeeve.â
âDoyouhearthat,Chumley?StillthinkIâmbeingmelodramatic?â
âShutup,Aahz.Whereâdyouhearthis,littlesister?â
âRememberVic?ThelittlevampirethatrelocatedherefromLimbo?Well,heâsopenedhisownmagicpracticehereattheBazaar.Itseemsthathewasapproachedtocontributetothefund.Heâsnewenoughherethathedidnâtknowanyofthembyname,buttheyclaimtohavethesupportofnearlyadozenofthesmalltimemagicians.â
âWhydidnâthewarnusassoonasheheard?â
âHeâstryingtostayneutral.Hedidnâtcontribute,buthealsodidnâtwanttobetheonetoblowthewhistletoSkeeve.TheonlyreasonhesaidanythingtomewasthathewasafraidthatanyoneclosetoSkeevemightgetcaughtinthecrossfire.Imustadmit,heseemstohavearatherexaggeratedideaofhowmuchSkeeveherecanhandleonhisown.â
âCanIaskaquestion?âIsaidgrimly.âAstheintendedvictim?â
âSure,Skeeve.Askaway.â
âWhoâstheAx?â
Atleasthalftheheadsatthetableswiveledtowardmewhilethefacesattachedtothemdroppedtheirjaws.
âYouârekidding!â
âDonâtyouknowwho...â
âAahz,didnâtyouteachhimany...â
âWhoa!Holdit!âIshoutedovertheclamor.âIcanonlytakesomuchofthisinformativebabblingatonetime.Aahz!Asmyfriend,partner,andsometimesmentor,couldyoudeigntotellmeinsimpletermswhotheAxis?â
âNobodyknows.â
Iclosedmyeyesandgavemyheadasmallshakeinanefforttoclearmyears.AfterallthisâGee,whydonâtyouknowthat?âbrouhaha,Icouldswearhesaid...
âHeâsright,handsome,âTanandachimedin.âTheAxâsrealidentityisoneofthemostcloselyguardedsecretsinallthedimensions.Thatâswhyheâssoeffectiveatwhathedoes.â
âThatmaybetrue,âInodded.âButfromthereactioninthisroomwhenyoudroppedthename,Iâdguessthatsomebodyknowssomethingabouthim.Now,letmerephrasethequestion.IfyoudonâtknowwhotheAxis,couldsomeoneenlightenmeastowhatheis?â
âTheAxisthegreatestCharacterAssassininallthedimensions,âAahzsaidwithasnarl.âHeworksfreelanceandchargesfeesthatmakeourslooklikepocketchange.OncetheAxisonyourtail,though,youmightaswellkissitgoodbye.Heâsruinedmorecareersthanfivestock-marketcrashes.Havenâtyoueverheardtheexpressionâtaketheaxtosomeoneâ?Well,thatâswhereitcomesfrom.â
Ifeltthatall-too-familiarâdownelevatorâsensationinmystomach.
âHowdoeshedoit?â
âItvaries,âmypartnershrugged.âHetailor-makeshisattackdependingontheassignment.Theonlyconstantisthatwhateveryouwerewhenhestarted,youârenotwhenheâsdone.â
âIwishyouâdquitsayingâyouâallthetime.Iâmnotdeadyet.â
âSorry,partner.Figureofspeech.â
âWell,thatâsjustswell!âGuidoexploded.âHowâreNunzioânâmesupposedtoguardtheBosswhenwedonâtknowwhatâscominâathim?â
âYoudonât,âAahzshotback.âThisisoutofyourcategory,Guido.Weâretalkingaboutcharacterassassination,notaphysicalattack.Itâsnotinyourjobdescription.â
âIzzatso!âNunziosaidinhissqueakyvoice.âDonBrucesaysweshouldguardhim.Idonâtrememberhimsayinâanythingaboutphysicalornon-physicalattacks.Right,Guido?â
âThatâsright!IftheBosshasgotsomeoneafterhisscalp,guardinâhimisourjob...ifthatâsallrightwithyou,MISTERAahz!â
âIwouldnâttrustyoutwotoguardafishhead,muchlessmypartner!âAahzroared,surgingtohisfeet.
âStopit,Aahz!âTanandaordered,kickingmypartnerâschairsothatitcuthislegsoutfromunderhimandploppedhimbackintohisseat.âIfweâreupagainsttheAx,weâregoingtoneedallthehelpwecanget.Letâsstopbickeringabouttheâwhoâandconcentrateontheâhow.âOkay?Weâreallscared,butthatdoesnâtmeanweshouldturnoneachotherwhenitâstheAxthatâsourtarget.â
Thatcooledeverybodydownforthemoment.Therewereafewglaresandmuttersexchanged,butatleastthevolumeleveldroppedtowhereIcouldbeheard.
âIthinkyouârealloverlookingsomething,âIsaidquietly.
âWhatâsthat?âTanandablinked.
âAahzcamecloseaminuteago.Thisismyproblem...anditâsnotreallyinanyofyourjobdescriptions.Weâreallfriends,andtherearebusinesstiesbetweenAahzandme,aswellasGuidoandNunzio,butweâretalkingaboutreputationshere.IfIgethit,andeveryoneseemstobebettingagainstmerightnow,anyonestandingclosetomeisgoingtogetmudsplashedonthem,too.Itseemstomethatthebestcourseofactionisfortherestofyoutopullback,or,betterstill,formetomoveoutandpresentasolotarget.Thatway,weâreonlyrunningtheriskofhavingonecareerruined...mine.IgotwhereIambystandingonyourshoulders.IfIcanâtmaintainitonmyown,well,maybeitwasnâtmuchofacareertostartwith.â
ThewholeroomwasstaringatmeasIlurchedtoahalt.
âYouknow,Skeeveoldboy,âChumleysaid,clearinghisthroat,âAsmuchasIlikeyou,sometimesitâsdifficulttorememberjusthowintelligentyouare.â
âIâllsay,âTanandasnarled.âThatâsaboutthedumbest...Waitaminute!Doesthishaveanythingtodowithmyleaving?â
âAbit,âIadmitted.âAndMasshaleavingandAahzâstalkingaboutresponsibility,and...â
âStoprightthere!âAahzordered,holdinguphishand.âLetâstalkaboutresponsibility,partner.ItâsfunnythatIshouldhavetolectureyouaboutthis,butthereareallsortsofresponsibilities.OneoftheonesthatIâvelearnedaboutfromyouistheresponsibilitytooneâsfriends:helpingthemoutwhentheyâreintrouble,andlettingthemhelpyouinreturn.IhavenâtforgottenhowyoucameintoastrangedimensiontobustmeoutofprisonafterIâdrefusedyourhelpinthefirstplace;orhowyousignedusontoplayintheBigGametobailTanandaoutaftershewascaughtthieving;orhowyouinsistedthatDonBruceassignGuidoandNunzioheretoyouwhentheywereinlinefordisciplinaryactionafterbotchingtheirassignmentfortheMob.Ihavenâtforgottenit,andIâllbettheyhavenâteither,evenifyouhave.Now,Isuggestyoushutupaboutjobdescriptionsandletyourfriendshelpyou...partner.â
âA-bloody-men.âChumleynodded.
âYoucouldhaveleftmewiththeGeekfortheslavers,âMarkiesaid
thoughtfully,inasurprisinglyadultvoice.
âSo,nowthatthatâssettled,âmypartnersaid,rubbinghishandstogether,âletâsgettowork.MybuddyGuidoherehasraisedagoodpoint.HowdowedefendSkeevewhenwedonâtknowhoworwhentheAxwillstrike?â
Wehadnâtreallysettledit,andAahzwasnâtabouttogivemeachancetopointitout.Iwasjustasglad,though,sinceIreallydidnâtknowwhattosay.
âAllwecandoisbeonthelookoutforanyoneoranythingstrangeshowingup.âTanandashrugged.
âLikeashowdownmatchofdragonpokerwiththeSen-SenAnteKid,âChumleysaid,staringintothedistance.
âWhatâsthat?â
âYoumissedit,littlesister.ItseemsourboySkeevehasdrawntheattentionofthekingofdragonpoker.Hewantsahead-to-headshowdownmatch,andhewantsitsoon.â
âDonâtlookatmelikethat,Chumley.âAahzgrimaced.âIâmchangingmyvote.IfwewanttopreserveSkeeveâsreputation,thereâsnowayhecanrefusethechallenge.NowIâmwillingtoadmititâllbemoneywellspent.â
âMydaddycanbeatanybodyatdragonpoker,âMarkiedeclaredloyally.
âYourdaddycangethisbrainsbeatenoutroyally,âmypartnercorrectedgently.âIjusthopewecanteachhimenoughbetweennowandgametimethathecanlosegracefully.â
âIdonâtlikeit,âTanandagrowled.âItâstooconvenient.SomehowthisgamehastheAxâsfingerprintsalloverit.â
âYouâreprobablyright,âAahzsighed.âButthereâsnotmuchelsewecandoexceptacceptthechallengeandtrytomakethebestofabadsituation.â
âBitethebulletandplaythecardsweâredealt.Eh,Aahz?âImurmured.
IthoughIhadspokenquietly,buteveryonearoundthetablewinced,including
Markie.Theymightbeloyalenoughtorisktheirlivesandcareersdefendingme,buttheywerenâtgoingtolaughatmyjokes.
âWaitaminute!âNunziosqueaked.âDoyouthinkthereâsachancethattheKidisactuallytheAx?â
âLowprobability,âBunnysaid,speakingforthefirsttimeinthemeeting.âSomeoneliketheAxhastoworkalowprofile.TheSen-SenAnteKidistoonoticeable.Ifhewereacharacterassassin,peoplewouldnoticeinnotimeflat.Besides,whenhewins,nobodythinksitâsbecausehisopponentsaredisreputable...itâsbecausetheKidisgood.No,IfiguretheAxhasgottobelikethepurloinedletter...hecanhideinplainsight.Figurethelastpersonyouâdsuspect,andyouâllbegettingclosetohisrealidentity.â
Theconversationswirledonaroundme,butIdidnâtlistenveryclosely.Forsomereason,athoughthadoccurredtomewhileBunnywastalking.WehadallbeenreferringtotheAxasaâhe,âbutifnooneknewhisrealidentity,hecouldjustaseasilybeaâshe.âIfanything,menweremuchlessdefensiveandmoreinclinedtobragaboutthedetailsoftheircareerswhentheywerewithawoman.
Bunnywasawoman.ShehadalsoappearedsuddenlyonourdoorsteprightaroundthetimetheAxwassupposedtobegettinghisassignment.Wealreadyknewthatshewassmarterthansheleton...wordslikeâpurloinedâdidnâtgowiththevacantstareshesocarefullycultivated.WhatbetterplacefortheAxtostrikefromthantheinside?
IdecidedthatIshouldhavealittlechatwithmymollassoonastheopportunitypresenteditself.
ChapterTwelve:âNooneshouldhidetheirtrueselfbehindafalseface.â
-L.CHANEY
ITwaswithacertainamountoftrepidationthatIapproachedBunnyâsbedroom.Incaseyouhavenâtnoticed,myexperiencewithwomenisratherlimited...liketothefingersofonehandlimited.
Tananda,Massha,Luanna,QueenHemlock,andnowBunnyweretheonlyadultfemalesIhadeverhadtodealwith,andthusfarmytrackrecordwaslessthanglowing.IhadacrushonTanandaforawhile,butnowshewasmoreofabigsistertome.Masshawas...well,Massha.IguessifanythingIsawherasakidsister,someonetobeprotectedandsometimescuddled.
Iâveneverreallyunderstoodheropenadmirationofme,butithadstoodfirmthroughsomeofmymostembarrassingmishapsandmadeiteasyformetoconfideinher.EventhoughIstillthoughtofLuannaasmyonetruelove,Ihadonlyspokentoheronfouroccasions,andafterourlastexchangeIwasnâtsuretherewouldeverbeafifthmeeting.TheonlyrelationshipIhadhadwithawomanwhichwasmoredisastrousthanmyattemptatlovewastheoneIhadwithQueenHemlock.Shemightnotshootmeonsight,buttherewasnodoubtinanyoneâsmindthatshewouldliketo...andsheâstheonewhowantedtomarryme!
Ofcourse,noneofthewomenIhaddealtwithsofarwasanythinglikeBunny,thoughwhetherthiswasgoodorbadIwasnâtentirelysure.Thefactstillremained,however,thatIwasgoingtohavetolearnmoreabouther,fortworeasons:first,ifshewasgoingtobearesidentofourhousehold,IwantedtogetabetterfixonwhereshewascomingfromsoIcouldtreatherassomethingotherthanamadauntinthecellar;andsecond,ifshewastheAx,thesoonerIfoundout,thebetter.Unfortunately,theonlywayIcouldthinkoftoobtainthenecessaryinformationwastotalktoher.
Iraisedmyhand,hesitatedforamoment,thenrappedonherdoor.Itoccurredtomethat,eventhoughIhadneverbeeninfrontofafiringsquad,nowIknewhowitfelt.
âWhoisit?â
âItâsSkeeve,Bunny.Haveyougotaminute?â
ThedoorflewopenandBunnywasthere,grabbingmyarmandpullingmeinside.Shewasdressedinaslinkyjumpsuitwiththeneckunlacedpasthernavel,whichwasagreatrelieftome.WhenIcalledonQueenHemlockinherbedroom,shehadreceivedmeinthealtogether.
âGeez!Itâsgoodtoseeyou.Iwasstartinâtothinkyouwerenâtevercominâby!â
Withadouble-jointedshiftofherhipsshebumpedthedoorshut,whileherhandsflewtothelacingsinheroutfit.Somuchforbeingrelieved.
âIfyoujustgivemeasecond,hon,Iâllbeallsettogo.Youkindacaughtmeunprepared,and...â
âBunny,couldyoujustknockitoffforawhile?Huh?â
Forsomereasontheeventsofthelastfewdayssuddenlyrestedheavyonmyshoulders,andIjustwasnâtinthemoodforgames.
ShestaredatmewitheyesasbigasaPervectâsbarbill,butherhandsceasedtheiractivity.âWhatâsthematter,Skeevie?Donâtyoulikeme?â
âIreallydonâtknow.Bunny,âIsaidheavily.âYouâveneverreallygivenmeachance,haveyou?â
Shedrewinasharpbreathandstartedtoretortangrily.Thenshehesitatedandlookedawaysuddenly,lickingherlipsnervously.
âI...Idonâtknowwhatyoumean.DidnâtIcometoyourroomandtrytobefriendly?â
âIthinkyoudoknowwhatImean,âIpressed,sensingaweakeninginherdefenses.âEverytimeweseeeachother,youârehittingmeinthefacewithyour
âsex-kittenâroutine.Ineverknowwhethertorunorapplaud,butneitheractionisparticularlyconducivetogettingtoknowyou.â
âDonâtknockit,âshesaid.âItâsagreatlittlebit.Itâsgottenmethisfar,hasnâtit?Besides,isnâtthatwhatmenwantfromagirl?â
âIdonât.â
âReally?â
Therewasanone-too-gentlemockeryinhervoice.Shetookadeepbreathandpulledhershouldersback.
âSotellme,whatdoescrossyourmindwhenIdothis?â
RegardlessofwhatimpressionImayhaveleftonyoufrommyearlierexploits,Idothinkfast.Fastenoughtocensormyfirstthreethoughtsbeforeanswering.
âMostlydiscomfort,âIsaidtruthfully.âItâsimpressive,allright,butIgetthefeelingIshoulddosomethingaboutitandIâmnotsureIâmuptoit.â
Shesmiledtriumphantlyandletherbreathout,easingthetensionacrossherchestandmymind.Ofthetwo,Ithinkmymindneededitmore.
âYouhavejusthitonthesecretofthesexkittens.Itâsnotthatyoudonâtlikeit.Thereâsjusttoomuchofitforyoutobesureyoucanhandleit.â
âIâmnotsureIfollowyou.â
âMenliketobragandstrutalot,buttheyâvegotegosasbrittleasspunglass.Ifagirlcallstheirbluff,comesatthemlikeaseethingvolcanothatcanâtbeputout,mengetscared.Insteadoffanningagentlefeminineember,theyârefacedwithaforestfire,sotheytaketheirwindelsewhere.Oh,theykeepusaroundtoimpresspeople.âLookatthetigressIâvetamed,âandallthat.Butwhenweârealonetheyusuallykeeptheirdistance.Iâllbetamollseeslessactualactionthanyouraveragecoed...exceptourpayscaleisalotbetter.â
Thatmademethink.Ontheonehand,shehadcalledmyreactionprettyclose.Herroaringcome-onhadscaredmeabit...well,alot.Still,therewastheotherhand.
âItsoundslikeyoudonâtthinkverymuchofmen,âIobserved.
âHey!Donâtgetmewrong.Theyârealotbetterthanthealternatives.Ijustgotalittlesickoflisteningtothesameoldlinesoverandoveranddecidedtoturnthetablesonâem.Thatâsall.â
âThatwasnâtwhatImeant.AsecondagoyousaidâThatâswhatmenwantfromagirl.âItmaybetrue,andIwonâttrytoarguethepoint.ItâsuncomfortablyclosetoâThatâsallmenwantfromagirl,âthough,andthatIwillargue.â
Shescowledthoughtfullyandchewedherlowerlip.
âIguessthatisover-generalizingabit,âsheadmitted.
âGood.â.
âItâsmoreaccuratetosayâThatâsallmenwantfromabeautifulgirl.ââ
âBunny...â
âNo,youlistentome,Skeeve.ThisisonesubjectIâvehadalotmoreexperienceatthanyouhave.ItâsfinetotalkaboutmindswhenyoulooklikeMassha.ButwhenyougrowuplookinggoodlikeIdid-nobrag,justastatementoffact-itâsonelongstringofmenhittingonyou.Iftheyâreinterestedinyourmind,Iâdsaytheyneedacrashcourseinanatomy!â
Inthecourseofourfriendship,IhadhadmanylongchatswithMasshaaboutwhatitmeanttoawomantobelessthanattractive.However,thiswasthefirsttimeIhadeverbeenmadetorealizethatbeautymightbesomethinglessthananasset.
âIdonâtrecallâhittingonyou,âBunny.â
âOkay,okay.MaybeIhavetakentocounterpunchingbeforesomeoneelsestarts.ThereâsbeenenoughofapatternthatIthinkIâmjustifiedinjumpingtoconclusions.AsIrecall,youwerealittlepreoccupiedwhenwemet.Howwouldyouhavereactedifweranintoeachothercasuallyinabar?â
Thatwasnâtdifficultatalltoimagine...unfortunately.
âTouche!âIacknowledged.âLetmejusttossonethoughtatyou,Bunny.ThenIâllyieldtoyourexperience.Thequestionofsexisgoingtohangintheairoveranymale-femaleencounteruntilitâsresolved.Ithinkitlingersfrompre-civilizationdayswhensurvivalofthespecieshingedonpropagation.Itâsstrongestwhenencounteringamemberoftheoppositesexonefindsattractive...suchasabeautifulwoman,or,Ibelievethephraseis,aâhunk.âPartofcivilization,thoughIdonâtknowhowmanyotherpeoplethinkofitthisway,issettingrulesandlawstohelpsettlethatquestionquickly:siblings,parents,andpeopleunderageormarriedtosomeoneelseareofflimits...well,usually,butyougetmypoint.Theoretically,thisallowspeopletospendlesstimesniffingateachotherandmoretimegettingonwithotherendeavors...likeartorbusiness.Iâmnotsureitâsanimprovement,mindyou,butithasbroughtusalongway.â
âThatâsaninterestingtheory,Skeeve,âBunnysaidthoughtfully.âWhereâdyouhearit?â
âImadeitup,âIadmitted.
âIâllhavetomullthatoneoverforawhile.Evenifyouâreright,though,whatdoesitprove?â
âWell,IguessIâmtryingtosaythatIthinkyouârefocusingtoomuchontheexistenceofthequestion.Eachtimeitcomesup,resolveitandmoveontootherthings.Specifically,Ithinkwecanresolvethequestionbetweenusrightnow.AsfarasIâmconcerned,theanswerisno,oratleastnotforalongtime.Ifwecanagreeonthat,Iâdliketomoveontootherthings...likegettingtoknowyoubetter.â
âIâdsaythatsoundslikeapass,ifyouwerenâtsayingânoâinthesamebreath.MaybeIhavebeenalittlehypersensitiveonthesubject.Okay.Agreed.Letâstryitasfriends.â
Shestuckoutherhand,andIshookitsolemnly.Inthebackofmymindwasatwingeofguilt.NowthatIhadgottenhertorelaxherguard,Iwasgoingtotrytopumpherforinformation.
âWhatwouldyouliketoknow?â
âWell,exceptforthefactthatyouâresmarterthanyouletonandthatyouâreDon
Bruceâsniece,Ireallydonâtknowmuchaboutyouatall!â
âWhoops,âshegiggled,âYouwerenâtevensupposedtoknowabouttheniecepart.â
Itwasamuchnicergigglethanherusualbrain-jarringsqueal.
âLetâsstartthere,then.Iunderstandyouruncledoesnâtapproveofyourcareerchoice.â
âYoucansaythatagain.Hehadaprofessionallpickedoutforme,putmethroughschoolandeverything.Thetroublewasthathedidnâtbothertocheckwithme.Frankly,Iâdratherdoanythingelsethanwhathehadinmind.â
âWhatwasthat?â
âHewantedmetobeanaccountant.â
MymindflashedbacktomyoldnemesisJ.R.GrimblebackatPossletum.TryingtopictureBunnyinhisplacewasmorethanmyimaginationcouldmanage.
âUmm...Isupposeaccountingisokaywork.IcanseewhyDonBrucedidnâtwantyoutofollowhisfootstepsintoalifeofcrime.â
Bunnycockedaskepticaleyebrowatme.âIfyoubelievethat,youdonâtknowmuchaboutaccounting.â
âWhatever.Itdoesoccurtomethattherearemorechoicesforoneâslivelihoodthanbeinganaccountantorbeingamoll.â
âIdonâtwanttosetyouoffagain,âshesmirked,âbutmylookswereworkingagainstme.Mostlegitimatebusinessmenwereafraidthatiftheyhiredmetheirwives,orpartners,orboardofdirectors,orstaffwouldthinktheywereputtingamistressonthepayroll.AfterawhileIdecidedtogowiththeflowandgointoafieldwherebeingattractivewasarequirementinsteadofahandicap.IfIâmguiltyofanything,itâslaziness.â
âIdonâtknow,âIsaid,shakingmyhead.âIâlladmitIdonâtthinkmuchofyourcareerchoice.â
âOh,yeah?Well,beforeyoustartsittinginmoraljudgment,letmetellyou...â
âWhoa!Timeout!âIinterrupted.âWhatImeantwasthereisnâtmuchofafutureinit.Nothingpersonal,butnobodystaysyoungandgood-lookingforever.FromwhatIhear,yourjobdoesnâthavemuchofaretirementplan.â
âNoneoftheMobjobsdo,âsheshrugged.âItpaysthebillswhileIâmlookingforsomethingbetter.â
Nowweweregettingsomewhere.
âSpeakingoftheMob,Bunny,IâlladmitthisAxthinghasmeworried.DoyouknowoffhandiftheMobeverhandlescharacterassassination?MaybeIcouldtalktosomeoneandgetsomeadvice.â
âIdonâtthinktheydo.Itâsalittlesubtleforthem.Still,IâveneverknownUncleBrucetoturndownanykindofworkiftheprofitwashighenough.â
Itoccurredtomethatthatwasafairlyevasivenoanswer.Idecidedtotryagain.
âSpeakingofyouruncle,doyouhaveanyideawhyhepickedyouforthisassignment?â
Therewasthebarestpausebeforesheanswered.
âNo,Idonât.â
IhadsurvivedtheGeekâsdragonpokergamewatchingotherpeople,andIâmfairlygoodatit.Tome,thathesitationwasadeadgiveaway.Bunnyknewwhyshewashere,shejustwasnâttelling.
Asifshehadreadmythoughts,astartledlookcameoverherface.
âHey!Itjustdawnedonme.DoyouthinkIâmtheAx?Believeme,Skeeve,Iâmnot.Really!â
Shewasverysincereandverybelievable.Ofcourse,ifIweretheAx,thatâsexactlywhatIwouldsayandhowIwouldsayit.
ChapterThirteen:âYourMajestyshouldpayattentiontohisappearance.â
-H.C.ANDERSON
THEREaremanywordstodescribethenextdayâsoutingintotheBazaar.Unfortunately,noneofthemareâcalmâ,âquietâ,orârelaxingâ.Wordslikeâzooâ,âcircusâ,andâchaosâspringmuchmorereadilytomind.
Itstartedbeforeweevenleftourbase...specifically,overwhetherornotweshouldgooutatall.
AahzandMasshamaintainedthatweshouldgotogrounduntilthingsblewover,onthetheorythatitwouldprovidethefewestopportunitiesfortheAxtoattack.GuidoandNunziosidedwiththem,addingtheirowncolorfulphrasestotheproceedings.âGoingtothemattressesâwasoneoftheirfavorites,anexpressionwhichneverceasedtoconjureintriguingimagestomymind.LikeItoldBunny,Iâmnottotallypure.
TanandaandChumleytooktheotherside,arguingthatthebestdefenseisasolidoffense.Stayinginside,theyargued,wouldonlymakeussittingducks.TheonlysanethingtodowouldbetogetoutandtrytodeterminejustwhattheAxwasgoingtotry.MarkieandBunnychimedinsupportingthebrother-sisterteam,thoughIsuspectitwasmorefromadesiretoseemoreoftheBazaar.
Afterstayingneutralandlisteningforoveranhourwhilethetwosideswentateachother,Ifinallycastmyvote...infavorofgoingout.Strangelyenough,myreasonsalignedmostcloselywiththoseofBunnyandMarkie:whileIwasmorethanalittleafraidofgoingoutandbeingamovingtarget,Iwasevermoreafraidofbeingcoopedupinsidewithmyownteamwhiletheygotprogressivelymorenervousandshort-temperedwitheachother.
Nosoonerwasthatresolvedthananewargumenterupted,thistimeoverwhowasgoingalong.Obviously,everyonewantedtodo.Justasobviously,if
everybodydid,wewouldlooklikeexactlywhatwewere:astrikeforcelookingfortrouble.Isomehowdidnâtthinkthiswouldassistoureffortstopreservemyreputation.
Afteranotherhourofname-calling,wecameupwithacompromise.Wewouldallgo.Fordiscretionaswellasstrategicadvantage,however,itwasdecidedthatpartoftheteamwouldgoindisguise.Thatis,inadditiontomakingourpartylooksmallerthanitreallywas,itwouldalsoallowourteammatestowatchfromashortdistanceand,moreimportant,listentowhatwasbeingsaidaroundusintheBazaar.Aahz,Tananda,Chumley,Massha,andNunziowouldserveasourscoutsandreserve,whileMarkie,Bunny,Guido,andIwouldactasthebait...aroleIlikedlessthemoreIthoughtaboutit.
Thusitwasthatwefinallysetoutonourmorningstroll...earlyintheafternoon.
OnthesurfacetheBazaarwasunchanged,butitdidnâttakelongbeforeIbegantonoticesomesubtledifferences.IhadgottensousedtomaintainingdisguisespellsthatIcouldkeepourfivecolleaguesincognitowithoutiteatingintomyconcentration...whichwasjustaswell,becausetherewasalottoconcentrateon.
Apparentlywordofourlastshoppingventurehadspread,andthereactionamongtheDeveelmerchantstoourappearanceinthestallswasmixedandextreme.
Someofthedisplaysclosedabruptlyasweapproached,whileothersrushedtomeetus.Therewere,ofcourse,thosewhotookaneutralstance,neitherclosingnormeetingushalfway,butratherwatchinguscarefullyaswelookedovertheirwares.Whereverwewent,however,InoticedadistinctlackofenthusiasmforthefavoriteBazaarpastimeofhaggling.Priceswereeitherdeclaredfirmorcounteroffersstackedupwithminimumverbiage.Itseemsthat,whiletheystillwantedourmoney,theDeveelswerenâteagertoprolongcontactwithus.
Iwasnâtsureexactlyhowtohandlethesituation.Icouldtakeadvantageoftheirnervousnessanddrivesomeshamelessbargains,orgritmyteethandpaymorethanIthoughttheitemswereworth.Thetroublewasthatneithercoursewoulddomuchtoimprovemyimageintheeyesofthemerchantsorerasethememoryofourlastouting.
Ofcourse,mylifebeingwhatitis,thereweredistractions.
Afterourtalk.Bunnyhaddecidedthatwewerefriendsandattackedhernewrolewiththesameenthusiasmshebroughttoplayingthevamp.Shestillclungtomyarm,mindyou,andfromadistanceprobablystilllookedlikeamoll.Herattention,however,wasnowcenteredonmeinsteadofonherself.
Todayshehaddecidedtovoiceheropinionofmywardrobe.
âReally,Skeeve.Weâvegottogetyousomedecentclothes.â
Shehadsomehowmanagedtogetridofhernasalvoiceaswellaswhateveritwasshehadalwaysbeenchewingon.Maybetherewasaconnectionthere.
âWhatâswrongwithwhatIâmwearing?â
IhadonwhatIconsideredtobeoneofmyspiffieroutfits.Thestripesonthepantsweretwoincheswideandalternatedyellowandlightgreen,whilethetunicwasabrilliantredandpurplepaisleynumber.
âIwouldnâtknowwheretostart,âshesaid,wrinklinghernose.âLetâsjustsayitâsabitonthegarishside.â
âYoudidnâtsayanythingaboutmyclothesbefore.â
âRight.Before.Asinâbeforewedecidedtobefriends.âMollsdonâtstayemployedbytellingtheirmenhowtackytheydress.SometimesIthinkoneofthequalificationsforhavingadecorativeladyonyourarmistohavenoornegativeclothessense.â
âOfcourse,Idonâthavemuchfirsthandknowledge,butarenâtthereafewmollswhodressalittleflamboyantlythemselves?âIsaidarchly.
âTrue.ButIâllbetifyoucheckedintoit,theyârewearingoutfitstheirmenboughtforthemtodressupin.Whenwewentshopping,youletmedotheselectingandjustpickedupthebill.Alotofmenfigureiftheyârepayingthefare,theyshouldhavethefinalsayastowhattheirbaby-dollwears.Letâsfaceit,mollshavetopayattentiontohowtheylookbecausetheirjobsdependonit.Agirlwhodresseslikeasackofpotatoesdoesnâtfindworkasamoll.â
âSoyouâresayingIdresslikeasackofpotatoes?â
âIfasacklookedlikeyou,itwouldknocktheeyesoutofthepotatoes.â
Igroanedmyappreciation.Heck,ifnoonewasgoingtolaughatmyjokes,whyshouldIlaughattheirs?Ofcourse,Ifiledhercommentawayforfutureuseiftheoccasionshouldarise.
âSeriouslythough,Skeeve,yourproblemisthatyoudresslikeakid.Youâvegotsomenicepiecesinyourwardrobe,butnobodyâsbotheredtoshowyouhowtowearthem.Brightoutfitsarenice,butyouâvegottobalancethem.Wearingapatternwithamutedsolidaccentsthepattern.Wearingapatternwithapatternistrouble,unlessyoureallyknowwhatyouâredoing.Moreoftenthannot,thepatternsendupfightingeachother...andiftheyâreintwodifferentcolorsyouâvegotanall-outwar.Yourclothesshouldcallattentiontoyou,nottothemselves.â
Despitemyindignation,Ifoundmyselfbeingdrawnintowhatshewassaying.IfthereâsonethingIâvelearnedinmyvariousadventures,itâsthatyoutakeinformationwhereyoufindit.
âLetâsseeifIâmfollowingyou,Bunny.Whatyouâresayingisthatjustbuyingniceitems,especiallyonesthatcatchmyeye,isnâtenough.Iâvegottowatchhowtheygotogether...trytobuildacoordinatedtotal.Right?â
âThatâspartofit,âshenodded.âButIthinkweâdbettergobacktosteponeforamomentifweâregoingtoeducateyouright.First,youâvegottodecideontheimageyouwanttoproject.Yourclothesmakeastatementaboutyou,butyouâvegottoknowwhatthatstatementshouldbe.Now,bankersdependonpeopletrustingthemwiththeirmoney,sotheydressconservativelytogivetheimpressionofdependability.Noonewillgivetheirmoneytoabankerwholookslikehespendshisafternoonsplayingtheponies.Attheotherendofthescale,youhavetheprofessionalentertainers.Theymaketheirmoneygettingpeopletolookatthem,sotheiroutfitsareusuallyflashyandflamboyant.â
Thiswasfascinating.BunnywasnâttellingmeathingIhadnâtseenformyself,butshewasdefiningpatternsthathadnâtregisteredonmebefore.Suddenlythewholeclothesthingwasstartingtomakesense.
âSowhatkindofimagedoIproject?â
âWell,sinceyouask,rightnowyoulooklikeoneoftwothings:eithersomeone
whoâssorichandsuccessfulthathedoesnâthavetocarewhatotherpeoplethink,orlikeakidwhodoesnâtknowhowtodress.HereattheBazaar,theyknowyouâresuccessful,sothemerchantsjumptothefirstconclusionanddragouteverygaudyitemtheyhavenâtbeenabletounloadonanyoneelseandfigureiftheypriceithighenough,youâllgoforit.â
âAsuckerorafool,âImurmured.âIdonâtreallyknowwhatimageIwant,butitisnâteitherofthose.â
âTrythisoneonforsize.Youâreamagicianforhire,right?Youwanttolookwelloffsoyourclientsknowyouâregoodatwhatyoudo,butnotsorichthattheyâllthinkyouâreoverchargingthem.Youdonâtwanttogotooconservative,becauseinparttheyârebuyingintothemystiqueofmagic,butifyougotooflashyyouâlllooklikeasideshowcharlatan.Inshort,Ithinkyourbestbetistotryforâquietpower.âSomeonewhoisapartfromtheworkadaycrowd,butwhoissosureofhimselfthathedoesnâthavetoopenlytryforattention.â
âHowdoIlooklikethat?â
âThatâswhereBunnycomesin,âshesaidwithawink.âIfweâreagreedontheend,Iâllfindthemeans.Followme.â
Withthat,sheledmeoffintooneofthemostincredibleshoppingspreesIâveevertakenpartin.SheinsistedthatIchangeintothefirstoutfitwebought:alightblueopen-neckedshirtwithcream-coloredslacksandamatchingneckscarf.Markieprotestedthatshehadlikedtheprettyclothesbetter,butaswemadeourwayfromstalltostall,Inoticedachangeinthemanneroftheproprietors.Theystillseemedalittlenervousaboutourpresence,buttheywerebringingoutacompletelydifferentarrayofclothesforourexamination,andseveralofthemcomplimentedmeonwhatIwaswearing...somethingthathadneverhappenedbefore.
ImustadmitIwasalittlesurprisedathowmuchsomeoftheseâsimpleandquietâitemscost,butBunnyassuredmethatthefabricandtheworkmanshipjustifiedtheprice.
âIdonâtunderstandit,âIquippedatonepoint.âIthoughtthataccountantswerealltightfisted,andhereyouare:theultimateconsumer.â
âYoudonâtseemereachingformybankroll,doyou?âshepurredback.
âAccountantscandealwithnecessaryexpenses,aslongasitâssomeoneelseâsmoney.Ourmainjobistogetyoumaximumpurchasepowerforyourhard-earnedcash.â
Andsoitwent.WhenIhadtimetothink,itoccurredtomethatifBunnywastheAx,shewasworkingawfullyhardtomakemelookgood.IwasstilltryingtofigureouthowthiscouldfitintoadiabolicalplanwhenIfeltanudgeatmyelbow.Glancingaround,IfoundAahzstandingnexttome.
Now,whenIthrowmydisguisespell,Istillseethepersonastheynormallyare.ThatâswhyIstartednervouslybeforeIrememberedthattoanyoneelseattheBazaarhelookedlikeafellowshopperexchangingafewwords.
âNiceoutfit,partner,âhesaid.âItlookslikeyourlittleplaymateisdoingsomeseriousworkonyourwardrobe.â
âThanks,Aahz.Doyoureallylikeit?â
âSure.Thereisonelittleitemyoumightaddtoyourlistbeforeweheadforhome.â
âWhatâsthat?â
âAboutfivedecksofcards.Whilehemightbeimpressedbyyournewimage,IthinkitâllmakeabiggerimpactontheKidifyouspendalittletimelearninghowtoplaydragonpokerbeforeyousquareoffwithhim.â
Thatpoppedmybubbleinahurry.Aahzwasright.
ClothesandtheAxaside,therewasonethingIwasgoingtohavetofaceuptosoon,andthatwasashowdownwiththebestdragonpokerplayerinallthedimensions.
ChapterFourteen:âSometimesluckisnâtenough.â
-L.LUCIANO
âOGREâShigh,Skeeve.Yourbet.â
âOh!Umm...Iâllgoten.â
âBumpyouten.â
âOut.â
âTwentytome?Iâllgotwentyontopofthat.â
âCall.â
Bynow,youshouldknowthatsound.Thatâsright.Dragonpokerinfullgallop.Thistime,however,itwasafriendlygamebetweenAahz,Tananda,Chumley,andme.Ofcourse,Iâmusingthephraseâfriendlyâratherlooselyhere.
Asidefromoccasionalshoutingmatches,Ihadneverbeeninafightwiththesethreebefore.Thatis,whentherehadbeentrouble,weformedourcirclewiththehornsout,notin.Forthefirsttime,Ifoundmyselfontheoppositesideofaconflictfrommycolleagues,andIwasnâtenjoyingitatall.Realizingthiswasjustagame,andapracticegameatthat,IwassuddenlyverygladIdidnâthavetoofaceanyoneoftheminareallife-and-deathsituation.
Thebanterwasstillthere,buttherewasanedgeonit.
Therewasacloudoftensionoverthetableastheplayersfocusedoneachotherlikecirclingpredators.IthadbeenthereatthegameattheEven-Odds,butthenIwasexpectingit.Onedoesnâtexpectsupportorsympathyfromtotalstrangersinacardgame.Thetroublewasthatthesethreewhoweremyclosestfriendswereturningouttobetotalstrangerswhenthechipsweredown..ifyouâllpardonthe
expression.
âIthinkyouârebluffing,bigbrother.Upanotherforty.â
Igulpedandpushedanotherstackofmydiminishingpileofchipsintothepot.
âCall.â
âYougotme,âthetrollshrugged.âOut.â
âWell,Skeeve.Thatleavesyouandme.Iâvegotanelf-highflush.â
Shedisplayedherhandandlookedatmeexpectantly.
IturnedmyholecardsoverwithwhatIhopedwasaconfidentflourish.
Silencereignedaseveryonebentforwardtostareatmyhand.
âSkeeve,thisisgarbage,âTanandasaidatlast.âAahzfoldedabetterhandthanthiswithouthisholecards.Ihadyoubeatontheboard.â
âWhatsheâstryingtosay,partner,âAahzsmirked,âisthatyoushouldhaveeitherfoldedorraised.Callingthebetwhenthecardsshehasshowingbeatyourhandisjusttossingawaymoney.â
âOkay,okay!Igetthepoint.â
âDoyou?Youâvestillgotaboutfiftychipsthere.Areyousureyoudonâtwanttowaituntilyouâvelostthose,too?Ofmaybeweshouldredividethechipsandstartover...again.â
âLightenup,Aahz,âTanandaordered.âSkeevehadasystemthathadworkedforhimbefore.Whyshouldnâthewanttotryitoutbeforebeingforce-fedsomethingnew?â
Whattheywerereferringtowasmyoriginalresistancetotakinglessonsindragonpoker.IhadprettymuchdecidedtohandletheupcominggamethesamewayIhadplayedthegameattheEven-Oddsratherthantrytocrash-learntherules.Aftersomediscussion(readas:argument)itwasagreedthatweshouldplayademonstrationgamesothatIcouldshowmycoacheshowwellmy
systemworked.
Well,Ishowedthem.
IcouldreadAahzprettywell,possiblybecauseIknewhimsointimately.ChumleyandTananda,though,threwmeforaloop.Iwasunabletopickupanysortofgiveawaycluesintheirspeechormanner,norcouldImanagetodetectanyapparentrelationshipbetweentheirbettingandwhattheywereholding.InadepressinglyshortperiodoftimeIhadbeencleanedoutofmystartingallotmentofchips.Thenwedivviedthestacksupagainandstartedover...withthesameresults.Wewerenowclosinginontheendofthethirdround,andIwasreadytothrowinthetowel.
AsmuchasIwouldhavelikedtotellmyselfthatIwashavingabadrunofcardsorthatwehadplayedtoofewhandstosetthepatterns,thehorribletruthwasthatIwassimplyout-classed.Imean,usuallyIcouldspotifaplayerhadagoodhand.Thenthequestionwasâhowgood,âormorespecifically,ifhiswasbetterthanmine.
Ofcourse,thesamewentforweakhands.Idependedonbeingabletodetectaplayerwhowasbettingahandthatneededdevelopmentorifhewassimplybettingthattheotherhandintheroundwoulddevelopworsethanhis.Inthisâdemonstrationgame,âhowever,Iwascaughtflatfootedagainandagain.ToomanytimesahandthatIhadfiguredforguts-nothingturnedouttobeapowerhouse.
Tosaytheleast,itwasdepressing.ThesewereplayerswhowouldnâtdreamofchallengingtheSen-SenAnteKidthemselves,andtheywerecleaningmyclockwithouthalftrying.
âIknowwhenIâmlicked,Aahz,âIsaid.âEvenifitdoestakemealittlelongerthanmost.Iâmreadytotakethoselessonsyouoffered...ifyoustillthinkitwilldoanygood.â
âSureitwill,partner.Attheveryleast,Idonâtthinkitcanhurtyourgame,iftonightâsbeenanaccuratesample.â
TrustaPervecttoknowjustwhattosaytocheeryouup.
âComeon,Aahzoldboy,âChumleyinterrupted.âSkeevehereisdoingthebest
hecan.Heâsjusttryingtohangoninabadsituation...likewealldo.Letâsnotmakeitanyrougherforhim.Hmmm?â
âIsupposeyouâreright.â
âAndwatchcommentslikethatwhenMarkieâsaround,âTanandaputin.âSheâsgotabadcaseofhero-worshipforhernewdaddy,andweneedhimasanauthorityfiguretokeepherinline.â
âSpeakingofMarkie,âmypartnergrimaced,peeringaround,âwhereisourportabledisasterarea?â
Thetailendofourshoppingexpeditionhadnotgonewell.Markieâsmoodseemedtodeteriorateasthedayworeon.Twiceweweresavedfromtotaldisasteronlybytimelyinterventionbyourspotterswhenshestartedtogetparticularlyupset.Notwishingtopushourluck,Icalledahalttotheexcursion,whichalmosttriggeredanothertantrumfrommyyoungward.Iwonderedifotherparentshadeverhadshoppingtripscutshortbyacrankychild.
âSheâsoffsomewherewithBunnyandthebodyguards.IthoughtthissessionwouldberoughenoughwithouttheaddeddistractionofMarkiecheeringforherdaddy.â
âGoodcall,âChumleysaid.âWell,enoughchitchat.Shallwehaveatit?â
âRight!âAahzdeclared,rubbinghishandstogetherasheleanedforward.âNow,thefirstthingwehavetodoistightenupyourbetterstrategy.Ifyoukeep...â
âUmm...Arenâtyougettingalittleaheadofyourself,Aahz?âTanandainterrupted.
âHowso?â
âDonâtyouthinkitwouldbeniceifwetaughthimthesequenceofhandsfirst?Itâsaloteasiertobetwhenyouknowwhetherornotyourhandisanygood.â
âOh.Yeah.Ofcourse.â
âLetmehandlethispart,Aahz,âthetrollvolunteered.âNowthen,Skeeve.Theascendingsequenceofhandsisasfollows:
HighCard
OnePair
TwoPair
ThreeOfAKind
ThreePair
FullHouse(ThreeOfAKindplusaPair)
FourOfAKind
Flush
Straight(thoselasttwoarerankedhigherandreversedbecauseofthesixthcard)
FullBelly(twosetsofThreeOfAKind)
FullDragon(FourOfaKindplusaPair)
StraightFlush
Haveyougotthat?â
Halfanhourlater,Icouldalmostgetthroughthelistwithoutreferringtomycribsheet.Bythattime,myteachersâenthusiasmwasnoticeablydimmed.IdecidedtopushontothenextlessonbeforeIlostthemcompletely.
âCloseenough,âIdeclared.âIcanboneupontheseonmyowntime.Wheredowegofromhere?HowmuchshouldIbetonthehands?â
âNotsofast,âAahzsaid.âFirst,youâvegottofinishlearningaboutthehands,â
âYoumeantherearemore?Ithought...â
âNo.Youâvegotallthehands...orwillhave,withalittlepractice.Nowyouâvegottolearnaboutconditionalmodifiers.â
âConditionalmodifiers?âIechoedweakly.
âSure.Withoutâem,dragonpokerwouldbejustanotherstraightforwardgame.AreyoustartingtoseewhyIdidnâtwanttotakethetimebeforetoteachyou?â
Inoddedsilently,staringatmylistofcardhandsthatIsomehowhadafeelingwasabouttobecomemorecomplex.
âCheerup,Skeeve,âChumleysaidgaily,clappingmeontheshoulder.âThisisgoingtobeeasierthanifweweretryingtoteachyouthewholegame.â
âItis?âIblinked,perkingupslightly.
âSure.Yousee,theconditionalmodifiersdependoncertainvariables,likethedayoftheweek,thenumberofplayers,chairposition,thingslikethat.Nowsincethismatchisprearranged,weknowwhatmostofthosevariableswillbe.Forexample,therewillonlybethetwoofyouplaying,andasthechallengedpartyyouhaveyourchoiceofchairs...picktheonefacingsouth,incidentally.â
âWhatmybigbrotheristryingtosayinhisownclumsyway,âTanandainterruptedbysqueezingmyarmsoftly,âisthatyoudonâthavetolearnalltheconditionalmodifiers.JusttheonesthatwillbeineffectforyourgamewiththeKid.â
âOh.Igetit.Thanks,Chumley.Thatmakesmefeelalotbetter.â
âRight-o.Therecanâtbemorethanadozenortwothatwillbepertinent.â
ThereliefIhadbeenfeelingturnedcoldinsideme.
âTwodozenconditionalmodifiers?â
âCâmon,bigbrother.Therearenâtthatmany.â
âIwasgoingtosayIthoughthewasunderestimating,âAahzgrinned.
âWell,letâsbloodywellcountthemoffandsee.â
âReddragonswillbewildoneven-numberedhands....â
â...Butunicornswillbewildallevening....â
â...Thecorps-a-corpshandwillbeinvalidallnight,thatâswhywedidnâtbother
tolistit,partner....â
â...Onceanight,aplayercanchangethesuitofoneofhisupcards....â
â...Everyfivehands,thesequenceofcardsisreversed,sothelowcardsarehighandvice-versa....â
â...Threeswillbedeadallnightandtreatedasblankcards....â
â...Andonceafour-of-a-kindisplayed,thatcardvalueisalsodead....â
â...Unlessitâsawildcard,thenitsimplyceasestobewildandcanbeplayednormally....â
â...Ifthereâsatenshowinginthefirsttwoface-upcardsineachhand,thensevenswillbedead....â
â...Unlessthereisasecondtenshowing,thenitcancelsthefirst....â
â...Ofcourse,ifthefirstcardturnedfaceupinaroundisanOgre,theroundwillbeplayedwithanextraholecard,fourfaceupandfivefacedown....â
â...Anaturalhandbeatsahandofequalvaluebuiltwithwildcards....â
âHey-thatâsnotaconditionalmodifier.Thatâsaregularrule.â
âItwillbeineffect,wonâtit?Someoftheconditionalmodifiersnullifystandingrules,soIthoughtweshould...â
âAREYOUPUTTINGMEON?!!â
Theconversationstoppedonadimeasmycoachesturnedtostareatme.
âImean,thisisajoke.Right?â
âNo,partner,âAahzsaidcarefully.âThisiswhatdragonpokerisallabout.LikeChumleysaid,justbethankfulyouâreonlyplayingonenightandgettolearntheabbreviatedlist.â
âButhowamIsupposedtostandachanceinthisgame?Iâmnotevengoingtobeabletorememberalltherules.â
Anawkwardsilencecameoverthetable.
âI...uhh...thinkyouâvemissedthepoint,Skeeve,âTanandasaidatlast.âYoudonâtstandachance.TheKidisthebestthereis.Thereâsnowayyoucanlearnenoughinafewdaysorafewyearstoevengivehimarunforhismoney.Allweâretryingtodoisteachyouenoughsothatyouwonâtembarrassyourself-asinruinthereputationoftheGreatSkeeve-whilehewhittlesawayatyourstake.Youâvegottoatleastlooklikeyouknowwhatyouâredoing.Otherwiseyoucomeacrossasafoolwhodoesnâtknowenoughtoknowhowlittleheknows.â
Ithoughtaboutthatforafew.
âDoesnâtthatdescriptionactuallyfitmetoaâTâ?â
âIfso,letâskeepitinthefamily.Okay?âmypartnerwinked,punchingmeplayfullyontheshoulder.âCheerup,Skeeve.Insomewaysitshouldbefun.Thereâsnothinglikecompetinginagamewithoutthepressuretowintoletyourole-playtothehilt.â
âSure,Aahz.â
âOkay,soletâsgetbacktoit.Justlistenthistimearound.Weâllgooveritagainslowerlatersoyoucanwriteitalldown.â
Withthat,theylaunchedintoitagain.
Ilistenedwithhalfanear,allthewhileexaminingmyfeelings.IhadgoneintothefirstgameattheEven-Oddsexpectingtolose,butIhadbeenviewingthatasasocialevening.ItwasbeyondmyabilitiestokidmyselfintobelievingthismatchwiththeKidwasgoingtobesocial.
AsmuchasIrespectedtheviewsofmyadvisors,IwashavingalotoftroubleacceptingtheideathatIwouldhelpmyreputationbylosing.Theywereright,though,thatIcouldnâtgracefullyrefusethechallenge.IfIdidnâtstandachanceofwinning,thentheonlyoptionleftwastolosegracefully.Right?
TryasImight,though,IcouldnâtstillalittlevoiceinthebackofmymindthatkepttellingmethattheidealsolutionwouldbetotaketheKidtothecleaners.Ofcourse,thatwasimpossible.Right?Right?
ChapterFifteen:âIneedallthefriendsIcanget.â
-QUASIMODO
WHILEmylifemayseemconvolutedanddepressingattimes,atleastthereisonebeingwhoneverturnsfrommeinmyhoursofneed.
âGleep!â
Iâveneverunderstoodhowadragonâstonguecanbeslimyandsandpaperyatthesametime,butitis.Well,atleasttheonebelongingtomydragonis.
âDown,fella...dow...hey!Câmon,Gleep.Stopit!â
âGleep!âmypetdeclaredashedeftlydodgedmyhandsandleftonemoreslimytrailacrossmyface.Obedienttoafault.Theysayyoucanjudgeamanâsleadershipabilitybyhowwellhehandlesanimals.
âDarnit,Gleep!Thisisserious!â
IâveoftentriedtoconvinceAahzthatmydragonactuallyunderstandswhatIsay.Whetherthatwasthecasehereorifhewasjustsensitivetomytone,Gleepsankbackonhishaunchesandcockedhisheadattentively.
âThatâsbetter,âIsighed,daringtobreathethroughmynoseagain.Dragonshavenotoriouslybadbreath(hencetheexpressionâdragonmouthâ),andmypetâsdisplaysofaffectionhadtheunfortunatesideeffectofmakingmefeelmorethanslightlyfaint.Ofcourse,evenbreathingthroughmymouth,Icouldstilltasteit.
âYousee,Iâvegotaproblem...well,severalproblems,andIthoughtmaybetalkingthemoutwithoutbeinginterruptedmight...â
âGleep!â
Thetongueslickedoutagain,thistimecatchingmewithmymouthopen.WhileIlovemypet,therearetimesIwishhewere...smaller.Timeslikethis...andwhenIhavetocleanouthislitterbox.
âYouwantIshouldleanonthedragonforyou,Boss?â
IlookedaroundanddiscoveredNunziosittingononeofthegardenbenches.
âOh.Hi,Nunzio.Whatareyoudoinghere?IthoughtyouandGuidousuallymadeyourselfscarcewhenIwasexercisingGleep.â
âThatâsusually,âthebodyguardshrugged.âMycousinandme,wetalkeditoveranddecidedwiththisAxfellaontheloosethatoneofusshouldstickwithyouallthetime,knowwhatImean?Rightnowitâsmyshift,andIâllbehanginâtight...nomatterwhatyouâredoinâ.â
âIappreciatethat,butIdonâtthinkthereâsanydangerofgettinghithere.IalreadydecidednottotakeGleepoutsideuntilthecoastisclear.Nosensetemptingfate.â
Thatwasatleastpartiallytrue.WhatIhadreallydecidedwasthatIdidnâtwanttogivetheAxachancetostrikeatmethroughmypet.Aahzalreadycomplainedenoughabouthavingadragoninresidencewithoutaddingfueltothefire.Ofcourse,ifmysuspicionswerecorrectandBunnywastheAx...
âBettersafethansorry...andyoudidnâtanswermyquestion.YouwantIshouldleanonthedragon?â
Sometimesthelogicofbodyguardseludedmecompletely.
âNo.Imean,whyshouldyouleanonGleep?Youlookcomfortablewhereyouare.â
Nunziorolledhiseyes.âIdonâtmeanâleanonhimâlikereallyleanonhim.Imean,doyouwantmetobendhimalittle?Youknow,roughhimupsome.Istayouttathingsbetweenyouandyourpartner,butyoushouldnâthavetoputupwiththatkindofgufffromadragon.â
âHeâsjustbeingfriendly.â
âFriendly,schmendly.FromwhatIâveseen,youâreinmoredangerfromgettingknockedoffbyyourownpetthanbyanyoneelseIâveseenattheBazaar.AllIâveeveraskedisthatyouletmedomyjob...Iamsupposedtobeguardinâyourbody,yaâknow.Thatâshowmypositiongotitsloftytitle.â
Notforthefirsttime,IwasimpressedbyNunzioâstotaldevotiontohiswork.ForamomentIwastemptedtolethimdowhathewanted.Atthelastminute,though,animageflashedthroughmymindofmyoutsizedbodyguardandmydragongoingatithammerandtongsinthemiddleofthegarden.
âUmm...thanks,butIthinkIâllpass,Nunzio.Gleepcanbeapainsometimes,butIkindoflikehimjumpingallovermeonceinawhile.Itmakesmefeelloved.Besides,Iwouldnâtwanttoseehimgethurt...oryoueither,forthatmatter.â
âJumpinâuponyouisonething.Doinâitwhenyoudonâtwanthimtoissompinâelse.Besides,Iwouldnâthurthim.Iâdjust...here,letmeshowyou!â
BeforeIcouldstophim,hewasonhisfeet,takingastraddle-leggedstancefacingmydragon.
âCâmere,Gleep.Câmon.fella.â
Mypetâsheadsnappedaround,thenhewentboundingtowardwhathethoughtwasanewplaymate.
âNunzio.I...â
Justasthedragonreachedhim,mybodyguardheldoutahand,palmoutward.
âStop,Gleep!Sit!IsaidSIT!!â
WhathappenednextIhadtoreconstructlaterfromreplayingmymemory,ithappenedsofast.
NunzioâshandsnakedoutandclosedoverGleepâssnout.Withajerkhepulledthenosedownuntilitwasundermypetâshead,thenpushedupsharply.
Inmid-stridethedragonâshaunchesdroppedintoasittingpositionandhestopped,allthewhilebattinghiseyelashesinbewilderment.
âNowstay.Stay!!â
Mybodyguardcarefullyopenedhishandandsteppedback,holdinghispalmflatinfrontofmypetâsface.
Gleepquiveredslightlybutdidnâtbudgefromhissittingposition.
âSee,Boss?Heâllmind,âNunziocalledoverhisshoulder.âYajustgottabefirmwithhim.â
Isuddenlyrealizedmyjawwasdanglingsomewherearoundmyknees.âWhat...thatâsincredible,Nunzio!Howdidyou...whatdidyou...â
âIguessyouneverknew,âhegrinned,âIusedtabeananimaltrainer...mostlythenastyonesforshows,knowwhatImean?â
âAnanimaltrainer?â
âYeah.Itseemedlikealogicalextensionofbeinâaschoolteacher...onlywithouttheparentstoworryabout.â
Ihadtositdown.BetweenthedemonstrationwithGleepandthesuddeninsighttohisbackground,Nunziohadmybrainonoverload.
âAnanimaltrainerandaschoolteacher.â
âThatâsright.Say,youwantIshouldworkwithyourdragonsomemorenowthatheâsquieteddown?â
âNo.Lethimrunforawhile.Thisissupposedtobehisexercisetime.â
âYouâretheBoss.â
HeturnedtowardGleepandclappedhishandssharply.Thedragonboundedbackwards,thencrouchedclosetotheground,readytoplay.
âGetit,boy!â
Movingwithsurprisingbelievability,thebodyguardscoopedanimaginaryballfromthegroundandpretendedtothrowittothefarendofthegarden.
Gleepspunaroundandsprintedoffinthedirectionoftheâthrow,âflatteningabenchandtwoshrubsashewent.
âSimplyamazing,âImurmured.
âIdidnâtmeantobuttin,âNunziosaid,sinkingintotheseatbesideme.âItjustlookedlikeyouwantedtotalkandyourdragonwantedtofrolic.â
âItâsallright.Iâdrathertalktoyou,anyway.â
Iwasmoderatelyastoundedtodiscoverthiswastrue.
Iâdalwaysbeenabitofaloner,butlatelyitseemedInotonlywasabletotalktopeople,Ienjoyedit.IhopeditwouldnâtseriouslychangemyfriendshipwithGleep.
âMe?Sure,Boss.Whatdidyouwanttotalkabout?â
âOh,nothingspecial.IguessIjustrealizedweâveneverreallytalked,justthetwoofus.Tellme,howdoyoulikeouroperationhere?â
âItâsokay,Iguess.Neverreallythoughtaboutitmuch.Itâsnotyourrun-of-the-millMoboperation,thatmuchisforsure.Yougotsomestrangepeoplehanginâaroundyou...buttheyârenice.Iâdgivemyrightarmforanyoneofthem,theyâresonice.Thatâsdifferentrightthere.Mostoutfits,everybodyâstryinâtogetahead...sotheyspendmoretimewatchinâeachotherthantheydoscopinâtheopposition.Here,everybodycoversforeachotherinsteadofnudgingtheotherguyout.â
âDoyouwanttogetahead,Nunzio?â
âYesandno,knowwhatImean?Idonâtwanttobedoinâthesamethingtherestofmylife,butIâmnotpushytogettothetop.Actually,Ikindalikeworkinâforsomeoneelse.Iletthemmakethebigdecisions,thenallIgottadoisfigureouthowtomakemyparthappen.â
âYoucertainlydoyourpartaroundhere,âInodded.âIneverknewbeforehowhardabodyguardworks.â
âReally?Gee,itâsgoodtohearyousaythat.Boss.SometimesGuidoandme,
wefeellikedeadweightaroundhere.Maybethatâswhyweworksohardtodoourjobs.IneverthoughtmuchaboutwhetherIdoordonâtlikeithere.Imean,IgowhereIâmassignedanddowhatIâmtold,soitdoesnâtmatterwhatIthink.Right?WhatIdoknow,though,isthatIâdberealsorryifIhadtoleave.Nobodyâsevertreatedmelikeyouandyourcrewdo.â
NunziomightnotbeanintellectualgiantortheswiftestwithIâveknown,butIfoundhissimplehonestytouching...nottomentiontheloyaltyitimplied.
âWell,youâvegotajobhereaslongasIâvegotanythingtosayaboutit.âIassuredhim.
âThanks,Boss.IwasstartinâtogetalittletiredofhowtheMoboperates,knowwhatImean?âThatrangabellinmymind.
âSpeakingofthat,Nunzio,doyouthinktheMobwouldevergetinvolvedwithsomethinglikethischaracterassassinationthing?â
Thebodyguardâsbrowfurrowedwiththeeffortofthinking.
âNaw!âhesaidatlast.âMostlypeoplepayusnottodothings.Ifwedohavetodoanumberonsomeone,itâsusuallytomakeanexampleofthemandwedosomethingflashylikeburndowntheirhouseorbreaktheirlegs.Whowouldknowitifwewreckedtheircareer?WhatTanandawassayinâabouttheAxwasinteresting,butitâsjustnotourstyle.â
âNotevenfortherightprice?âIurged.âHowmuchdoyouthinkitwouldtaketogetDonBrucetosendsomeoneinhereafterus?â
âIdunno.Iâdhavetosayatleast...waitaminute!AreyouaskinâifBunnyâstheAx?â
âWell,shedid...â
âForgetit.Boss.Evenifshecouldhandlethejob,whichIâmnottoosureshecould,DonBrucewouldneversendherafteryou.Heck,youâreoneofhisfavoritechieftainsrightnow.Youshouldhearhim...â
Nunziosuddenlypressedhispalmsagainsthischeekstomakeexaggeratedjowlsashespoke.â...DatSkeeve,heâsreallygotitontheball,knowwhatI
mean?Mercy!IfIhadahundredlikehimIcouldtakeoverdiswholeorganization.â
HisimitationofDonBrucewassoperfectIhadtolaugh.
âThatâsgreat,Nunzio.Hasheeverseenyoudothat?â
âIâmstillemployedandbreathinâ,arenâtI?âhewinked.âSeriously,though.YouârebarkinâupthewrongtreewithBunny.Believeme,youâretheappleofheruncleâseyerightnow.â
âIsupposeyouâreright,âIsighed.âIfyouare,though,itleavesmerightbackwhereIstarted.WhoistheAxandwhatcan...â
âHiguys!Isthataprivateconversation,orcananyonejoin?â
WeglanceduptofindBunnyandMarkieenteringthegarden.
âCâmonover.Bunny!âIwaved,nudgingNunzioslightlyintheribs.âWewerejustgoingto...â
âGLEEP!!!â
Suddenlymydragonwasinfrontofme.Crouchingandtense,hedidnâtlookplayfulatall.Ihadonlyseenhimlikethisacoupleoftimesbefore,andthen...
âSTOPIT,GLEEP!GLEEP!!!âIscreamed,realizingtoolatewhatwasabouttohappen.
Fortunately,NunziowasquickerthanIwas.Fromhissittingpositionhethrewhimselfforwardinabodycheckagainstmypetâsneck,justasthedragonletloosewithastreamoffire.Theflamesleaptforwardtoharmlesslyscorchawall.
BunnysweptMarkiebehindherwithonearm.
âGeez!Whatwas...â
âIâllgethim!âMarkiecried,ballingupherfists.
âMARKIE!!STOP!!â
âButDaddy...â
âJustholdit.Okay?Nunzio?â
âIâvegothim,Boss,âhecalled,bothhandswrappedsecurelyaroundGleepâssnoutasthedragonstruggledtogetfree.
âBunny?YouandMarkiegetinside!Now!!!â
Thetwoofthemhurriedfromsight,andIturnedmyattentiontomypet.
Gleepseemedtohavecalmeddownasfastashehadexploded,nowthatBunnyandMarkieweregone.Nunziowasstrokinghernecksoothinglywhilestaringatmeinwide-eyedamazement.
âIdunnowhathappenedthere,Boss,butheseemsokaynow.â
âWhathappened,âIsaidgrimly,âwasGleeptryingtoprotectmefromsomethingorsomeonehesawasathreat.â
âButBoss...â
âLookNunzio,Iknowyoumeanwell,butGleepandIgobackalongway.ItrusthisinstinctsmorethanIdomyownjudgment.â
âBut...â
âIwantyoutodotwothingsrightaway.First,putGleepbackinhisstable...Ithinkheâshadenoughexerciseforoneday.ThengetwordtoDonBruce.Iwanttohavealittletalkwithhimabouthisâpresentâ!â
ChapterSixteen:âIthoughtwewerefriends!â
-BANQUO
âITELLyou,partner,thisiscrazy!â
âLikeheckitis!â
âBunnycanâtbetheAx!Sheâsaspacecadet.â
âThatâswhatsheâdlikeustothink.Ifoundoutdifferent!â
âReally?How?â
âBy...well,bytalkingtoher.â
IspottedtheflawinmylogicassoonasIsaidit,andAahzwasnâtfarbehind.
âSkeeve,âhesaidsolemnly,âhasitoccurredtoyouthatifsheâstheAxandyouârehertarget,thatyouwouldprobablybethelastpersonshewouldrelaxaround?DoyoureallythinkyoucouldtrickherintogivingawayherI.Q.inasimpleconversation?â
âWell...maybeshewasbeingclever.Itcouldbethatitwasherwayoftryingtothrowusoffthetrack.â
Mypartnerdidnâtsayanythingtothat.Hejustcockedhisheadandraisedoneeyebrowveryhigh.
âItcouldbe,âIrepeatedlamely.
âCâmon,Skeeve.Give.â
âWhat?â
âEvenyouneedmoreevidencethanthatbeforeyougooffhalf-cocked.Whatareyouholdingback?â
Hehadme.IwasjustafraidthathewasgoingtofindmyrealreasonevenlessbelievablethantheoneIhadalreadystated.
âOkay,âIsaidwithasigh.âIfyoureallywanttoknow,whatfinallyconvincedmewasthatGleepdoesnâtlikeher.â
âGleep?Youmeanthatstupiddragonofyours?ThatGleep?â
âGleepisnâtst...â
âPartner,yourdragondoesnâtlikeme!ThatdoesnâtmakemetheAx!!â
âHeâsnevertriedtofryyou,either!â
Thatonestoppedhimforamoment.âHedidthat?HereallyletflyatBunny?â
âThatâsright.IfNunziohadnâtbeenthere...â
Asifsummonedbythementionofhisname,thebodyguardstuckhisheadintotheroom.
âHey,Boss!DonBruceishere.â
âShowhimin.â
âIstillthinkyouâremakingamistake,âAahzwarned,leaningagainstawall.
âMaybe,âIsaidgrimly.âWithluckIâllgetDonBrucetoconfirmmysuspicionsbeforeIshowmycards.â
âThisIâvegottosee.â
âThereyouare,Skeeve.Theboyssaidyouwantedtoseeme.â
DonBruceistheMobâsfairygodfather.Iâveneverseenhimdressedinanythingthatwasnâtlavender,andtodaywasnoexception.Hisensembleincludedshorts,sandals,afloppybrimmedhat,andasportsshirtwithlargedarkpurpleflowersprintedalloverit.MaybemywardrobesessionswithBunnyweremakingme
overlysensitiveonthesubjectofclothes,buthisattirehardlyseemedappropriateforoneofthemostpowerfulmenintheMob.
Evenhisdarkglasseshadvioletlenses.
âYouknow,thisisquiteaplaceyougothere.Neverbeenherebefore,butIheardalotaboutitintheyearlyreport.Itdoesnâtlookthisbigfromtheoutside.â
âWeliketokeepalowprofile,âIsaid.
âYeah,Iknow.ItâslikeIkeeptellinââembackatMobCentral,yourunaclassoperation.Ilikethat.Makesusalllookgood.â
Iwasstartingtofeelalittleuncomfortable.ThelastthingIwantedtodiscusswithDonBrucewasourcurrentoperation.
âLikesomewine?âAahzchimedin,comingtomyrescue.
âItâsalittleearly,butwhynot?So!Whatisityouwantedtoseemeabout?â
âItâsaboutBunny.â
âBunny?Ohyeah.Howâssheworkinâout?â
EvenifIhadnâtalreadybeensuspicious,DonBruceâsresponsewouldhaveseemedoverlycasual.Aahzcaughtittoo,raisinghiseyebrowagainashepouredthewine.
âIthoughtweshouldhavealittlechataboutwhyyousentherhere.â
âWhatâstochatabout?Youneededamoll,andIfigured...â
âImeantherealreason.â
Ourguestpaused,glancedbackandforthbetweenAahzandmeacoupleoftimes,thenshruggedhisshoulders.âShetoldyou,huh?Funny,Iwouldhavethoughtthatwasonesecretshewouldhavekept.â
âActually,Ifigureditoutallbymyself.Infact,whenthesubjectcameup,shedeniedit.â
âAlwayssaidyouweresmart,Skeeve.NowIseeyouâresmartenoughtogetmetoadmittowhatyoucouldnâttrickoutofBunny.Prettygood.â
IshotatriumphantglanceatAahz,whowassuddenlyverybusywiththewine.DespitemyfeelingofvictoryoverhavingpuzzledouttheidentityoftheAx,Iwasstillmorethanalittleannoyed.
âWhatIcanâtfigureout,âIsaid,âiswhyyoutrieditinthefirstplace.Iâvealwaysplayeditprettystraightwithyou.â
AtleastDonBrucehadthegracetolookembarrassed.âIknow,Iknow.Itseemedlikeagoodideaatthetime,isall.Iwasinabitofaspot,anditseemedlikeaharmlesswayout.â
âHarmless?Harmless!Thatâsmywholelifeandcareerweâretalkingabout.â
âHey!Câmon,Skeeve.Arenâtyouexaggeratingalittlebitthere!Idonâtthink...â
âExaggerating??â
âWell,Istillthinkyouâdmakeagoodhusbandforher...â
âExaggerating?Aahz,areyoulisteningto...â
AsIturnedtoappealtomypartner,Inoticedhewaslaughingsohardhewasspillingthewine.OfallthereactionsImighthaveexpectedfromhim,laughingwasnât...
Thenithitme.
âHusband?!?!?â
âOfcourse.Isnâtthatwhatweâvebeentalkinâabout?â
âSkeeveherethinksthatyournieceistheAxandthatyouturnedherlooseonhimtodestroyhiscareer,âmypartnermanagedbetweengasps.
âTheAx???â
âHUSBAND????â
âAreyoucrazy??â
âOneofusis!!â
âHowaboutboth?âAahzgrinned,steppingbetweenus.âWine,anyone?â
âButhesaid...â
âWhatabout...â
âGentlemen,gentlemen.Itâsclearthatcommunicationshavegottenalittlefouledupbetweenthetwoofyou.Isuggestyoueachtakesomewineandweâllstartalloveragainfromthetop.â
Almostmechanically,webothreachedforthewine,eyeingeachotherallthewhilelikeangrycats.
âVerygood,âmypartnernodded.âNowthen,DonBruce,asthevisitingteamIbelieveyouhavefirstserve.â
âWhatâsthisabouttheAx!?!âthemobsterdemanded^leaningforwardsosuddenlyhalfthewinesloshedoutofhisglass.
âYouknowwhotheAxis??â
âIknowwhatheis!Thequestionis,whatdoeshehavetodowithyouandBunny?â
âWeâreheardrecentlythatsomeoneâshiredtheAxtodoanumberonSkeeve,âAahzsupplied.
â...RightaboutthesametimeBunnyshowedup,âIadded.
âAndthatâssupposedtomakehertheAx?â
âWell,therehasbeensometroublesinceshearrived.â
âLikewhat?â
âWell...TanandaleftbecauseofthingsthatweresaidwhenshefoundoutthatBunnywasinmybedroomonemorning.â
âTananda?ThesameTanandathatsaidâHiâtomewhenIwalkedinheretoday?â
âShe...ummm...cameback.â
âIsee.Whatelse?â
âShescaredoffmygirlfriend.â
âGirlfriend?Yougotagirlfriend?â
âWell,notexactly...butImighthavehadoneifBunnywasnâthere.â
âUh-huh.Aahz,havenâtyouevertoldhimtheâbirdinthehandâstory?â
âItry,butheisnâtbigonlistening.â
Icanalwayscountonmypartnertorallytomydefenseintimesofcrisis.
âWhatelse?â
âUmmm...â
âTellhim!âAahzsmiled.
âTellmewhat?â
âMydragondoesnâtlikeher.â
âIâmnotsurprised.Sheâsnevergottenalongwithanimals...atleastthefour-footedkind.IdonâtseewherethatmakeshertheAx,though.â
âItâs...itâsjustthatontopoftheotherevidence...â
MyvoicetrailedoffinfrontofDonBruceâsstonystare.
âYouknow,Skeeve,âhesaidatlast.âAsmuchasIlikeyou,therearetimes,likenow,Iwishyouwasontheothersideofthelaw.IftheD.A.sputtogetheracaselikeyoudo,wecouldcutourbribebudgetbyninetypercent,andourattorneyâsfeesbyahundredpercent!â
âBut...â
âNowlistenclose,âcauseIâmonlygoinâtogooverthisonce.YouâretherepresentativefortheMob,andme,hereattheBazaar.Ifyoulookbad,thenwelookbad.Gotit?Whatpossiblesensewoulditmakeforustohiresomeonetomakeyou,andus,lookbad?â
Ontheropes,IglancedatAahzforsupport.
âThatwasgoingtobethenextquestionIwasgoingtoask,partner.â
Terrific.
âWell,âDonBruceannounced,standingup.âIfthatâssettled,IguessIcangonow.â
âNotsofast,âmypartnersmiled,holdingupahand.âThereâsstillthematterofthequestionthatSkeeveasked:ifBunnyisnâttheAx,whatâsshedoinghere?Whatwasthatyouweresayingaboutahusband?â
Themobstersankbackintohischairandreachedforhiswine,allthewhileavoidingmyeyes.
âIâmnotgettinâanyyounger,âhesaid.âSomedayIâmgoinâtoretire,andIthoughtIshouldmaybestartlookinâaroundforareplacement.Itâsalwaysnicetohaveâeminthefamily...therealfamily,Imean,andsinceIgotanunmarriedniece...â
âWhoa!Waitaminute,âAahzinterrupted.âAreyousayingthatyouâreconsideringSkeeveasyoureventualreplacementintheMob?â
âItâsapossibility.Whynot?LikeIsaid,herunsaclassoperationandheâssmart...atleastIusedtothinkso.â
âDonBruceI...Idonâtknowwhattosay,âIsaidhonestly.
âThendonâtsaynothinâ!âherespondedgrimly.âWhateverâsgoinâtohappenisalongwayoff.ThatâswhyIdidnâtsayanythingtoyoudirect.Iâmnotreadytoretireyet.â
âOh.âIdidnâtknowwhethertofeeldisappointmentorrelief.
âAboutBunny?âmypartnerprompted.
Themobstershrugged.âWhatâstosaythathasnâtalreadybeensaid?Sheâsmyniece,heâsoneofmyfavoritechieftains.Ithoughtitwouldbeagoodideatoputâemclosetoeachotherandseeifanythinghappened.â
âI...Idonâtknow,âIsaidthoughtfully.âImean,Bunnyâsniceenough...especiallynowthatIknowsheisnâttheAx.IjustdonâtthinkIâmreadytogetmarriedyet.â
âDidnâtsayyouwere,âDonBruceshrugged.âDonâtgetmewrong,Skeeve.Iâmnottryinâtopushyouintothis.Iknowitâlltaketime.LikeIsaid,Ijustfixeditsoyoutwocouldmeetandseeifanythingdevelops...thatâsall.Ifitworksout,fine.Ifitdoesnât,alsofine.Iâmnotabouttotrytoforcethingsorkidmyselfthatyoutwowillmakeapairifyouwonât.Ifnothingelse,youâvegotaprettygoodaccountantwhileyoufindout...andfromlookinâoveryourfinancialfiguresyoucoulduseone.â
âIzzatso?â
HehadfinallytweakedAahzclosetohome...orhiswallet,whichinhiscaseisthesamething.
âWhatâswrongwithourfinances?Weâredoingokay.â
âOkayisnâtsoarinâ.Youboysgotnoplan.ThewayIseeit,youâvespentsomuchtimelivinâhand-to-mouthyouâveneverlearnedwhattodowithmoneyexceptstackitandspendit.Bunnycanshowyouhowtomakeyourmoneyworkforyou.â
Aahzrubbedhischinthoughtfully.Itwasinterestingtoseemypartnercaughtbetweenprideandgreed.
âIdunno,âhesaidatlast.âItsoundsgood,andweâllprobablylookintoiteventually,butweârealittletightrightnow.â
âThewayIhearit,youâretightallthetime,âDonBrucecommenteddryly.
âNo.Imeanrightnowweârereallytightforfinances.Weâvegotalotofcapitaltiedupinthebiggametonight.â
âBiggame?Whatbiggame?â
âSkeeveisgoingheadtoheadwiththeSen-SenAnteKidatdragonpokertonight.Itâsachallengematch.â
âThatâswhyIwantedtotalktoyouaboutBunny,âIsaid.âSinceIthoughtshewastheAx,Ididnâtwantheraroundtocausetroubleatthegame.â
âWhydidnâtanyonetellmeaboutthisgame?âDonBrucedemanded.âItwasnâtinyourreport!â
âItâscomeupsincethen.â
âWhatarethestakes?â
IlookedatAahz.IhadbeensobusytryingtolearnhowdragonpokerwasplayedthatIhadnevergottenaroundtoaskingaboutthestakes.
Forsomereason,mypartnersuddenlylookeduncomfortable.
âTablestakes,âhesaid.
âTablestakes?âIfrowned.âWhatâsthat?â
Ihalf-expectedhimtotellmeheâdexplainlater,butinsteadheaddressedthesubjectwithsurprisingenthusiasm.
âInatablestakesgame,eachofyoustartswithacertainamountofmoney.Thenyouplayuntiloneofyouisoutofchips,or...â
âIknowwhattablestakesare,âDonBruceinterrupted.âWhatIwanttoknowishowmuchyouâreplayingfor.â
Aahzhesitated,thenshrugged.âAquarterofamillioneach.â.
âAQUARTEROFAMILLION???â
Ihadnâthitthatnotesincemyvoicechanged.
âDidnâtyouknow?âthemobsterscowled.
âWehadnâttoldhim,âmypartnersighed.âIwasafraidthatifheknewwhatthestakeswere,heâdclutch.Wewerejustgoingtogivehimthestackofchipstoplaywithouttellinghimhowmuchtheywereworth.â
âAquarterofamillion?âIrepeated,alittlehoarserthistime.
âSee?âAahzgrinned.âYouâreclutching.â
âBut,Aahz,dowehaveaquarterofamilliontospare?â
Mypartnerâsgrinfadedandhestartedavoidingmyeyes.
âIcananswerthatone,Skeeve,âDonBrucesaid.
âNoonehasaquarterofamilliontospare.Evenifyouâvegotit,youdonâthaveittospare,knowwhatImean?â
âItâsnotgoingtotakeallourmoney,âAahzsaidslowly.âTheothershavechippedinoutoftheirsavings,too:Tananda,Chumley,Massha,evenGuidoandNunzio.Weâveallgotapieceoftheaction.â
âUstoo,âthemobsterdeclared.âPuttheMobdownforhalf.â
Iâmnotsurewhowasmoresurprised,Aahzorme.
ButAahzrecoveredfirst.
âThatâsniceofyou,DonBruce,butyoudonâtunderstandwhatâsreallyhappeninghere.Skeevehereisarankbeginneratthegame.Hehadoneluckynight,andbythetimetherumormillgotthroughwithit,hehaddrawnachallengefromtheKid.Hecanâtrefusewithoutlookingfoolish,andwiththeAxontheloosewecanâtaffordanybadpresswecanavoid.Thatâswhyweârepoolingourmoney,soSkeevecangointhereandlosegracefully.Theactualoutcomeispreordained.TheKidâsgoingtoeathimalive.â
â...Andmaybeyouwerenâtlisteningearlier,âthemobstershotback.âIfSkeevelooksbad,welookbad.
TheMobbacksitspeople,especiallywhenitcomestopublicimage.Winorlose,weâreinforhalf,okay?â
âIfyousayso,âAahzshrugged.
â...Andtrytosavemeacoupleseats.Iâmgonnawanttoseemyboyinaction-firsthand.â
âItâllcost!â
âDidIask?Just...â
Iwasnâtreallylisteningtotheconversationanymore.
Ihadnâtrealizedbeforejusthowsolidlymyfriendswerebehindme.
Aquarterofamillion...
Rightthensomethingsolidifiedinmymindthathadbeenhoveringthereforseveraldaysnow.Whatevertheothersthought,Iwasgoingtotrymybesttowinthisgame!
ChapterSeventeen:âShutupanddeal!â
-F.D.R.
THEREwasanauraofexpectationovertheBazaarthatnightaswesetoutfortheEven-Odds.AtfirstIthoughtIwasjustseeingthingsdifferentlybecauseofmyanticipationandnervousness.Aswewalked,however,itbecamemoreandmoreapparentthatitwasnotsimplymyimagination.
Notasinglevendororshopshillapproachedus,notaDeveelhaileduswithaproposedbargain.Onthecontrary,asweproceededalongtheaisles,conversationandbusinessgroundtoahaltaseveryoneturnedtowatchuspass.Afewcalledouttheirwishesofâgoodluckâorfriendlygibesaboutseeingmeafterthegame,butforthemostparttheysimplystaredinsilentfascination.
IfIhadeverhadanydoubtsastotheexistenceorextentoftherumormillandgrapevineattheBazaar,thatnightputthemtorestforever.EverybodyandImeaneverybodyknewwhoIwas,whereIwasgoing,andwhatwaswaitingforme.
Insomewaysitwasfun.IâvenotedearlierthatIgenerallykeptalowprofileintheimmediateneighborhoodandhavegottenusedtowalkingaroundunnoticed.Myrecentshoppingtripshadgainedmeacertainnotoriety,butitwasnothingcomparedtothis.Tonight,Iwasafull-blowncelebrity!Realizingtheuncertaintyofthegameâsoutcome,Idecidedtoseizethemomentandplaymyparttothehilt.
Toacertaindegreeitwaseasy.Wealreadymadequiteaprocession.GuidoandNunzioweredeckedoutintheirworkingclothesoftrenchcoatsandweaponsandprecededus,clearingapaththroughthegawkers.
TanandaandChumleybroughtuptherearlookingpositivelygrimastheyeyeballedanyonewhoseemedtobeedgingtooclose.Aahzwaswalkingjust
aheadofme,carryingourstakemoneyintwolargebags.Ifanyoneentertainedthethoughtofinterceptingusforthemoney,alltheyhadtodowaslookatAahzâsswaggerandthegleaminhisyelloweyes,andtheywouldsuddenlydecidetherewereeasierwaystogetrich...likewrestlingdragonsorpanningforgoldinaswamp.
WehadleftMarkiebackatourplaceoverherloudandindignantprotests.Ihadstoodfirm,though.Thisgamewasgoingtoberoughenoughwithouthavingheraroundasadistraction.Masshahadvolunteeredtostaywithher,claimingshewasfartoonervousaboutthegametoenjoywatchingitanyway.
BunnywasdeckedoutinaclingingoutfitinbrilliantwhiteandhungonmyarmlikeIwasthemostimportantthinginherlife.Morethanafewenviouseyesdartedfromhertomeandbackagain.
Noonewaskiddinganyone,though,astowhothecenterofattentionwas.Youguessedit.Me!Afterall,IwastheoneonmywaytolockhornswiththelegendarySen-SenAnteKidonhisownterrain...acardtable.
Bunnyhadchosenmyclothesforme,andIwasresplendentinadarkmaroonopen-neckedshirtwithlightcharcoalgrayslacksandvest.Ifeltandlookedlikeamillion...well,makethataquarterofamillion.IfIwasgoingtohavemyheadhandedtometonight,Iwasatleastgoingtobeabletoacceptitinstyle...whichwasthewholepointofthisexerciseanyway.
IdidnâteventrytomatchAahzâsstrut,knowingIwouldonlysufferbycomparison.Instead,Icontentedmyselfwithmaintainingaslow,measured,dignifiedpaceasInoddedandwavedatthewell-wishers.Theideawastoexudeunhurriedconfidence.Inactuality,itmademefeellikeIwasonthewaytothegallows,butIdidmybesttohideitandkeepsmiling.
ThecrowdsgotprogressivelythickeraswenearedtheEven-Odds,andIrealizedwithsomeastonishmentthatthiswasbecauseofthegame.Thosewithoutthecloutorthemoneytogetspaceinsidewereloiteringaroundtheareainhopesofbeingoneofthefirsttohearaboutthegameâsoutcome.IhadknownthatgamblingwasbigattheBazaar,butIneverthoughtitwasthispopular.
Theassemblagemeltedawaybeforeus,clearingapathtothedoor.Ibegantorecognizefacesinthecrowd,peopleIknew.TherewasGuswavingenthusiasticallyatme,andoverthere...
âVic!â
Iveeredfromourstraightlineandthewholeprocessiongroundtoahalt.
âHi,Skeeve!âthevampiresmiled,clappingmeontheshoulder.âGoodlucktonight!â
âIâmgoingtoneedit!âIconfided.âSeriously,though,IâvebeenmeaningtostopbyandthankyouforyourwarningabouttheAx.â
Vicâsfacefell.âYoumighthavetroublefindingme.Iâmabouttolosemyoffice.â
âReally?Isbusinessthatbad?â
âWorse.Thereâsanawfullotofcompetitionhere.â
âWell,tellyouwhat.Whydonâtyoustopbymyplacetomorrowandweâlltalk.Maybewecanworkoutasmallloanormaybeevensubcontractsomeassignmentsuntilyouâreestablished.â
âGee.Thanks,Skeeve!â
Asuddeninspirationhitme.âComebyaroundnoon.Weâlldolunch!â
Itseemedlikeareallygoodideatome.Iwonderedwhybusinessmenhadnâtthoughtoftalkingoutideasoverlunchbefore!Forsomereason.Vicwincedbeforereturningmysmile.
âLunchitis,âhesaid.
âUmm...Ihatetointerrupt,partner,butyoudohaveanappointmentyouâresupposedtobeat.â
âRight,Aahz.Vic!Tomorrow!â
Withthat,IallowedmyselftobeusheredintotheEven-Odds.
ArippleofapplausebrokeoutasIenteredthemainbarandgamingroom,andIbarelycaughtmyselffromturningtolookbehindme.Formeoragainstme,thepeoplewereheretowatchthegameandifnothingelseweregratefultomefor
providingtheeveningâsentertainment.
Terrific.Iwasabouttoriskaquarterofamillioningoldsothatfolkswouldnâthavetowatchsummerreruns.
TheclubhadbeenrearrangedsincethelasttimeIwasthere.Onecardtablestoodaloneinthecenteroftheroom,whilescoresofpeoplelinedthewalls.Whilethecrowdoutsidemighthavebeenlarger,thegroupinsidetheclubmadeupwithcloutwhattheylackedinnumbers.WhileIdidnâtbegintorecognizeeveryone,theonesIdidspotledmetobelievethattheâWhoâsWhoâofDevawasassembledtowatchthegame.Hayner,mylandlordandleaderoftheDevanChamberofCommercewastherealongwithhisusualclutchofcronies.Henoddedpolitelywhenoureyesmet,butIsuspectedhewasreallyhopingtoseemelose.
DonBrucewasthereaspromised,andraisedhishandsoverhishead,clenchedthemtogether,andgavethemabriefshake,smilingallthewhile.Iguesseditwassomesignofencouragement.Attheveryleast,IhopedIwasnâtbeinghailedwithsomesecretMobdeathsign.Ofcourse,thatdidnâtoccurtomeuntilafterIhadwavedback.
âSkeeve.SKEEVE!Haveyougotamoment?â
IglancedaroundtofindtheGeekstandingatmyelbow.
âSure,Geek,âIshrugged.âWhatcanIdoforyou?â
TheDeveelseemedextremelynervous,hiscomplexionseveralshadesoffitsnormalhue.âI...youcanpromisenottoholdagrudge.Ipromiseyouthattonightwasnoneofmydoing.AllIdidwasmakethearrangementsaftertheKidissuedthechallenge.Ididnâtgivehimyourname...honest.â
Tosaytheleast,Ifoundhisattitudesurprising.
âSure,Geek.Ineverthoughtyou...â
âIfIhadknownitwouldleadtothis,Ineverwouldhaveinvitedyoutomygameinthefirstplace,muchless...â
Iwassuddenlyveryalert.
âWaitaminute.Geek!Whatareyoutalkingabout?â
âYouâreout-classed!âtheDeveelexplained,glancingaroundfearfully.âYoudonâtstandachanceagainsttheKid.Ijustwantyoutounderstand,ifyouloseallyourmoneytonight,thatIdidnâtmeantosetyouup.Idonâtwantyouoryourcrewlookingformewithbloodinyourrespectiveeyes.â
Now,asyouknow,IknewthatIwasout-classed.WhatintriguedmewasthattheGeekknewit,too.âGeek,Ithinkweâdbetter...â
Aloudburstofapplauseandcheersinterruptedme.
BythetimeIgotthroughcraningmynecktoseewhatwasgoingon,theGeekhaddisappearedintothecrowd.
Withthatdiscussionclosed,Iturnedmyattentionagaintothesubjectathand.
âWhoâsthat?âIsaid,noddingtowardthefigurethathadjustenteredtheclub.
Aahzslidacomfortingarmaroundmyshoulders.
âThatâshim.ThatâstheSen-SenAnteKid.â
âTHATâStheKid???!!â
Themaninthedoorwasenormous,hewashuge...thatistosay,hewasMasshaâssize.Forsomereason,Ihadbeenexpectingsomeoneclosertomyownage.Thischaracter,though,wassomethingelse.
Hewastotallyhairless,nobeard,noeyebrows,andcompletelybald.Hisskinwaslightblueincolor,andthatcombinedwithhisfatandwrinklesgavetheoverallimpressionofahalf-deflatedbluebowlingball.Hiseyeswereextremelydark,however,andglitteredslightlyastheyfixedonme.
âThatâstheKid?âIrepeated.
Aahzshrugged.âHeâshadthetitleforalongtime.â
Theman-mountainhadtwobagswithhimwhichlookedverysimilartotheonesAahzhadcarriedforus.
Hehandedthemcasuallytooneoftheonlookers.
âCashmein!âheorderedinaboomingvoice.âIhearthereâsagameheretonight.â
Forsomereason,thisbroughtaloudroundoflaughterandapplausefromtheaudience.Ididnâtthinkitwasallthatfunny,butIsmiledpolitely.TheKidâseyesnotedmylackofenthusiasmandglitteredwithincreasedferocity.
âYoumustbetheGreatSkeeve.â
Hisvoicewasadangerouspurr,butitstillreverberatedoffthewalls.Hemovedtowardmewithasurprisinglylighttread,holdingouthishandinwelcome.
Thecrowdseemedtoholditsbreath.
â...AndyoumustbetheonetheycalltheSen-SenAnteKid.âIresponded,abandoningmyhandintohisgrip.
AgainIwassurprised...thistimebythegentlenessofhishandshake.
âIjusthopeyourmagicisnâtasgoodasyourreputation.â
âThatâsfunny,Iwasjusthopingyourluckisasbadasyourjokes.â
Ididnâtmeantobeoffensive.ThewordsjustkindofslippedoutbeforeIcouldstopthem.
TheKidâsfacefroze.
Iwishedsomeoneelsewouldsaysomethingtochangethesubject,buttheroomechoedwithdeathlyquiet.
Suddenly,myopponentthrewhisheadbackandlaughedheartily.âIlikethat!âhedeclared.âYouknow,nooneelsehaseverhadthenervetotellmemyjokesstink.Iâmstartingtoseewhereyouhadthegutstoacceptmylittlechallenge.â
Theroomcametolife,everybodytalkingorlaughingatthesametime.IfeltlikeIhadjustpassedsomekindofinitiationritual.Awaveofreliefbrokeoverme...butitwastingedwithsomethingelse.IfoundmyselflikingtheKid.Youngor
not,hewasdefinitelynottheboogey-manIhadbeenexpecting.
âThanks,Kid,âIsaidquietly,takingadvantageofthecovernoise.âImustadmit,Iappreciatesomeoneelsewhocanlaughatthemselves.Ihavetodoitsooftenmyself.â
âAinâtthatthetruth,âhemurmuredback,glancingaroundtobesurenooneelsewaslisteningin.âIfyouletit,allthisstuffcangotoyourhead.Say,wouldyoulikeadrinkorsomethingbeforewegetstarted?â
âThatconfidentIâmnot,âIlaughed.âIwanttohaveaclearheadwhenwesquareoff.â
âSuityourself,âheshrugged.
BeforeIcouldsayanythingelse,heturnedtothecrowdandraisedhisvoiceagain.âCanyoukeepitdown?âheroared.âWeârereadytoplaycardsuphere!â
Likemagic,thenoisestoppedandalleyesturnedtothetwoofusagain.
IfoundmyselfwishingIhadacceptedthedrink.
ChapterEighteen:âCastyourfatetothewinds.â
-L.BERNSTEIN
THEtablewaswaitingforus.Therewereonlytwochairswithchipsstackedneatlyinfrontofthem.
IhadasuddenmomentofpanicwhenIrealizedIdidnâtknowwhichchairwasfacingsouth,butAahzcametomyrescue.Dartingoutofthecrowd,hepulledoutonechairandhelditformetositin.Tothecrowditlookedlikeapolitegesture,butmyfriendsknewIhadcomedangerouslyclosetochangingtherulesIhadlaboredsohardtomemorize.
âCards!âtheKidordered,holdingoutonehandasheeasedintothechairfacingme.
Anewdeckmaterializedinhishand.Heexamineditlikeaglassoffinewine,holdingituptothelighttobesurethewrappingwasintactandevensniffingthesealtobesurethefactorygluewasthesame.
Satisfied,heofferedthedecktome.IsmiledandspreadmyhandstoshowIwassatisfied.Imean,heck!
Ifhehadnâtfoundanythingwrong,itwasacinchthatIwouldnâtbeabletodetectanyfoulplay.
Thegestureseemedtoimpresshimthough,andhegavemeasmallbowbeforeopeningthedeck.Oncethecardswereoutofthebox,hispudgyfingersseemedtotakeonalifeoftheirown.Movingswiftly,theyremovedthejokersandcastthemaside,thenbeganpeelingcardsoffthedecktwoatatime,onefromthetopandonefromthebottom.
Watchingtheprocess,Ibegantorealizewhyhishandshakehadbeensogentle.Largeastheywere,thisfingersweregraceful,delicate,andsensitiveasthey
wentabouttheirtask.Thesewerenotthehandsofaroughlaborer,orevenafighter.Theyexistedtodoonething:tohandleadeckofcards.
Bynowthedeckhadbeenroughmixed.TheKidscoopedupthepile,squaredit,thengaveitseveralquickshuffles.Hismovesweresoprecisehedidnâtevenhavetore-squarethedeckwhenhewasdone...justsetitonthecenterofthetable.
âCutfordeal?âheasked.
Irepeatedmyearliergesture.âBemyguest.â
EventhisseemedtoimpresstheKid...andthecrowd.Alowmurmurrippledaroundtheroomastheplusesandminusesofmymovewerediscussed.ThetruthofthematterwasthatafterwatchingtheKidhandlethedeck,Iwasembarrassedtoshowmyownlackofskill.
Hereachedforthedeck,andthecardssprangtolifeagain.Withahypnoticrhythmhebegancuttingthedeckandriffingthecardstogether,allthewhilestaringatmewithunblinkingeyes.IknewIwasbeingpsychedout,butwaspowerlesstofighttheeffect.
âFortheante,shallwesayonethousand?â
âLetâssayfivethousand.âIreturned.
Therhythmfaltered.TheKidrealizedhehadslippedandmovedswiftlytocoverit.Settingthecardsasideforamoment,hereachedforhischips.
âFivethousanditis,âhesaid,tossingahandfulintothecenterofthetable.âAnd...mytrademark.â
Asmallwhitebreathmintfollowedthechipsintothepot.
Iwascountingoutmyownchipswhensomethingoccurredtome.
âHowmuchisthatworth?âIsaid,pointingatthemint.
Thatsurprisedmyopponent.
âWhat?Themint?Onecopperaroll.Butyoudonâthaveto...â
BeforehehadfinishedspeakingIaddedasmallcointomychips,pushedthemintothecenterofthetable,grabbedhismint,andpoppeditintomymouth.
Thistimetheaudienceactuallygaspedbeforelapsingintosilence.Forseveralheartbeatstherewasnosoundintheroomexceptthemintcrunchingbetweenmyteeth.Ialmostregrettedmyboldmove.Themintwasincrediblystrong.
FinallytheKidgrinned.
âIsee.Youeatmyluck,eh?Good.Verygood.Youâllfind,though,thatittakesmorethanthattodisturbmygame.â
Histonewasjovial,buthiseyesdarkenedevenmorethantheyhadbeenandhisshufflingtookonasharper,morevengefultone.IknewIhasscoredahit.
IstoleaglanceatAahz,whowinkedatmebroadly.
âCut!â
Thedeckwasinfrontofme.Movingwithforcednonchalance,Icutthedeckroughlyinhalf,thenleanedbackinmychair.WhileItriedtoappearcasual,insideIwascrossingmyfingersandtoesandeverythingelsecrossable.Ihaddevisedmystrategyonmyownandhadnâtdiscusseditwithanyone...notevenAahz.Nowwegottoseehowitworked.
Onecard...twocards...threecardscameglidingacrossthetabletome,facedown.Theyslidtoastopneatlyaligned,anothertributetotheKidâsskill,andlaytherelikelandmines.
Iignoredthem,waitingforthenextcard.
Itcame,coastingtoastopfaceupnexttoitsbrethren.ItwasthesevenofdiamondsandtheKiddealthimself...
Thetenofdiamonds.Aten!
TherulescamebacktomelikeasongIdidnâtwanttoremember.Atenfaceupmeantmysevenwasdead...valueless.
âSomuchforeatingmyluck,eh?âtheKidchuckled,takingaquickglanceathisholecards.âMytenwillgo...fivethousand.â
â...Andupfive.â
Thegaspfromthecrowdwaslouderthistime...possiblybecausemycoacheshadjoinedin.IheardAahzclearhisthroatnoisily,butwouldnâtlookinhisdirection.TheKidwasstaringatmeinundisguisedsurprise.Apparentlyhehadeitherexpectedmetofoldorcall...possiblybecausethatwouldhavebeenthesanethingtodo.
âYouâreawfullyproudofthatdeadcard,âhesaidthoughtfully.âAllright.Iâllcall.Potâsright.â
Twomorecardsfloatedontothetablefaceup.Igotaten!Thetenofclubs,tobespecific.Thatcanceledhistenandmademysevenliveagain.
TheKidgottheunicornofhearts.Wildcard!NowIhadten-sevenhighagainsthispairoftensshowing.
Terrific.
âIwonâttrytokidyou.âMyopponentsmiled.âApairoftensisworth...twentythousand.â
â...Anduptwenty.â
TheKidâssmilefaded.Hiseyesflickedquicklytomycards,thenhenodded.âCall.â
Nocomment.Nowittybanter.Ihadhimthinking.
Thenextcardswereenroute.Thethreeofheartsslidintomylineup.Adeadcard.Opposingit,theKidgot...
Thetenofhearts!
Iwasnowlookingatthreetensagainstmyten-sevenhigh!Foramomentmyresolvewavered,butIshoreditupagain.Iwasintoofartochangenow.
TheKidwaseyeingmethoughtfully.âIdonâtsupposeyouâdgothirtyonthat?âhesaid.
âIâllnotonlygoit,Iâllraiseyouthirty.â
Thereweremuffledexclamationsofdisbeliefintheroom...andsomenotsomuffled.Irecognizedthevoicesofsomeofthelatter.
TheKidjustshookhisheadandpushedtheappropriatenumberofchipsintothepotwithoutaword.
Thecrowdlapsedintosilenceandcranedtheirneckstoseethenextcards.
Thedragonofspadestome,andtheogreofheartstotheKid.
Noapparenthelpforeitherhand...exceptthatnowtheKidhadthreeheartsfaceup.
Webothstudiedeachotherâscardsforafewmoments.
âIâlladmitIcanâtfigureoutwhatyouârebetting,Skeeve,âmyopponentsighed.âButthishandâsworthfifty.â
â...Andupfifty.â
Insteadofresponding,theKidleanedbackinhischairandstaredatme.
âCheckmeonthis,âhesaid.âEitherIâvemisseditcompletely,oryouhavenâtlookedatyourholecardsyet.â
âThatâsright.â
Thecrowdstartedmutteringagain.Atleastsomeofthemhadmissedthatpoint.
âSoyouârebettingblind?â
âRight.â
â...Andraisingintometoboot.â
Inodded.
âIdonâtgetit.Howdoyouexpecttowin?â
IregardedhimforamomentbeforeIanswered.Tosaytheleast,Ihadtheroomâsundividedattention.
âKid,youârethebestthereisatdragonpoker.Youâvespentyearshoningyourskillstobethebest,andnothingthathappensheretonightisgoingtochangethat.Me,Iâmlucky...ifyoucancallitthat.Igotluckyonenight,andthatsomehowearnedmethechancetoplaythisgamewithyoutonight.ThatâswhyIâmbettingthewayIam.â
TheKidshookhishead.âMaybeIâmslow,butIstilldonâtgetit.â
âInthelongrun,yourskillwouldbeatmyluck.Italwaysdoes.IfiguretheonlychanceIâvegotistojuicethebettingonthisonehand...goforbroke.Alltheskillinthedimensionscanâtchangetheoutcomeofonehand.Thatâsluck...whichputsusonanequalfooting.â
Myopponentdigestedthisforafewmoments,thenthrewbackhisheadandgaveabarkoflaughter.
âIloveit!âhecrowed.âAhalfmillionpotridingononehand.Skeeve,Ilikeyourstyle.Winorlose,itâsbeenapleasurematchingwitswithyou.â
âThankyou.Kid.Ifeelthesameway.â
âInthemeantime,thereâsthishandtoplay.Ihatetokeepallthesepeoplehanginginsuspensewhenwealreadyknowhowthebettingâsgoingtogo.â
Heswepttherestofhischipsintothepot.âIâllcallyourraiseandraiseyouback...thirty-five.Thatâsthewholestake,â
âAgreed,âIsaid,pushingmychipsout.
âNowletâsseewhatwegot,âhewinked,reachingforthedeck.
Thetwoofdiamondstome...theeightofclubstotheKid...thenonemorecardeachfacedown.
Thecrowdpressedforwardasmyopponentpeeredathislastcard.
âSkeeve,âhesaidalmostregretfully.âYouhadaninterestingstrategythere,butmyhandâsgood...realgood.â
Heflippedtwoofhisdowncardsover.
âFullDragon...fourOgresandapairoftens.â
âNicehand,âIacknowledged.
âYeah.Right.Nowletâsseewhatyouâvegot.â
WithasmuchpoiseasIcouldmuster,Iturnedovermyholecards.
ChapterNineteen:âCanâtyoutakeajoke?â
-T.EULENSPIEGEL
MASSHAlookedupfromherbookandbon-bonsaswetroopedthroughthedoor.
âThatwasquick,âshesaid.âHowdiditgo?â
âHi,Massha.WhereâsMarkie?â
âUpstairsinherroom.Afterthesecondtimeshetriedtosneakout,Isenthertobedandtookupsentrydutyherebythedoor.Whathappenedatthegame?â
âWell,Istillsayyouwerewrong,âAahzgrowled.âOfallthedumbstuntsyouâvepulled...â
âCâmon,partner.Whatâsdoneisdone.Okay?YouârejustmadbecauseIdidnâtcheckwithyoufirst.â
âThatâstheleastof...â
âWILLSOMEBODYTELLMEWHATHAPPENED?â
âWhat?Oh.Sorry,Massha.Iwon.Aahzhereisupsetbecause...â
Iwassuddenlysweptupinagargantuanhugandkissasmyapprenticeexpressedherdelightatthenews.
âIâllsayhewon.Inonehandhewon,âTanandagrinned.âNeverseenanythinglikeit.â
âThreeunicornsandthesixofclubsinthehole,âAahzraged.âThreewildcards,which,whenusedwiththeonce-a-nightsuitshiftruleonthesevenofdiamonds,
yields...â
âAstraight-bloody-flush!âChumleysang.âWhichtooktheKidâsFullDragonandthelargestpotthatâseverbeenseenattheBazaar.â
âIknewyoucoulddoit,Daddy!âMarkieshrieked,emergingfromherhidingspotonthestairs.
Somuchforsendinghertobedearly.
âIwishyoucouldhaveseentheKidâsface,Massha,âthetrollcontinuedmerrily.âIâllbethewishesnowthathecarriesantacidsinsteadofbreathmints.â
âYoushouldhaveseenthecrowd.Theyâregoingtobetalkingaboutthisoneforyears!â
Masshafinallyletmedownandheldupahand.
âHoldit!Waitaminute!IgetthefeelingIâvemissedalapheresomewhere.HotStuffherewon.Right?Asinwalkedawaywithallthemarbles?â
Thebrotherandsisterteamnoddedvigorously.Ijusttriedtogetmybreathback.
âSohowcomeGreenandScalyisbreathingsmoke?Ishouldthinkheâdbeleadingthecheering.â
âBECAUSEHEGAVETHEMONEYAWAY!THATâSWHY!!!â
âYes.Thatwouldexplainit.âMasshanoddedthoughtfully.
âCâmon,Aahz!Ididnâtgiveitaway.â
AsIâvediscoveredbefore,itâsaloteasiertofindyourbreathwhenyouâreunderattack.
âWhoa!Wait!âmyapprenticesaid,steppingbetweenus.âBeforeyoutwogetstartedagain,talktoMassha.Remember,Iâmtheonewhowasnâtthere.â
âWell,theKidandIgottotalkingafterthegame.Heâsreallyaniceguy,andIfoundoutthathehadprettymuchbeenbettingeverythinghehad...â
âThatâswhatheclaimed,âAahzsnorted.âIthinkhewasmakingaplayforoursympathies.â
â...andIgottothinking.IhadworkedhardtobesurethatboththeKidâsandmyreputationswouldbeintact,nomatterhowthegamecameout.WhatIreallywantedtodowastoretirefromthedragonpokercircuitandlethimtakeonallthehotshotchallengers...â
âThatmuchIâllagreewith.â
âAahz!Justlethimtellit.Okay?â
â...Buthecouldnâtkeepplayingifhewasbroke,whichwouldleavemeasthelogicaltargetfortheup-and-comings,soIlethimkeepthequarterofamillionhehadlost...â
âSee!SEE!!!WhatdidItellyou?â
â...asaLOANsohecoulduseitasastakeinfuturegames....â
âThatâswhenIknewhehad...aloan??â
Igrinnedatmypartner.
âUh-huh.Asinâputyourmoneytoworkforyouinsteadofstackingit,âaconceptIbelieveyoufoundveryinterestingwhenitwasfirstbroached.Ofcourse,youhadalreadygoneoffhalf-cockedandstompedawaybeforewegottothatpart.â
AnysarcasmIhadmanagedtoloadintomyvoicewaslostonAahz,whichisnotsurprisingwhenyourealizeweweretalkingaboutmoney.
âAloan,eh?âhesaidthoughtfully.âWhatweretheterms?â
âTellhim.Bunny.â
âBUNNY??â
âHey!Youwerenâtthere,remember?Idecidedtoseewhatouraccountantcoulddo.Bunny?â
âWell,Iâveneverdealtwithstakemoneybefore,nopunintended,soIhadtokindoffeelmywayalong.IthinkIgotusaprettygoodarrangement,though.â
âWhichwas...â
âUntiltheKidpaysusback...anditâsgottobepaidbackinfull,nopartialpayments,wegethalfhiswinnings.â
âHmmm,âmypartnermurmured.âNotbad.â
âIfyoucanthinkofanythingelseIshouldhaveaskedfor,Iâmopento...â
âIfhecouldthinkofanythingelse,âIsaid,winkingather,âyoucanbelievehewouldhaveroareditoutbynow.Youdidgreat.Bunny.â
âGee.Thanks,Skeeve.â
âNowthen,ifsomeonewouldbesokindastobreakoutthewine,Ifeellikecelebrating.â
âOfcourse,Boss,yourealizethatnowalotofpeopleknowthatyouâvegotalotofcashonhand,âGuidopointedout,edgingclosetome.âAssoonasNunziogetsback,Ithinkweâdbettertakealookatbeefinâupsecurityontheplace,knowwhatImean?â
âWhereisNunzio,anyway?âMasshasaid,peeringaround.
âHeâllbealonginabit,âIsmiled.âIhadalittleerrandforhimafterthegame.â
âWell,hereâstoyou,Skeeve!âChumleycalled,liftinghisgobletaloft.âAfterallourworryingaboutwhetheryourreputationcouldsurviveamatchwiththeKid,Idaresayyoucameoutofitwellaheadofwhereyouwerebefore.â
âThatâsright,âhissistergiggled.âIwonderwhattheAxthinksaboutwhathappened.â
ThatwasthecueIhadbeenwaitingfor.Itookadeepbreathandadeeperdrinkofwine,thenassumedmymostcasualmanner.
âWhybotherspeculating,Tananda?Whynotaskdirect?â
âWhatâsthat,Skeeve?â
âIsaid,whynotasktheAxdirectly?Afterall,sheâsintheroomrightnow.â
Thegaietyofthemoodvanishedinaneyeblinkaseverybodystaredatme.
âPartner,âAahzmurmured,âIthoughtwesettledthiswhenwetalkedtoDonBruce.â
Icuthimoffwiththewaveofahand.
âAsamatteroffact,IâmalittlecuriousaboutwhattheAxisthinkingmyself.Whydonâtyoutellus...Markie?â
Myyoungwardsquirmedundertheroomâscombinedgaze.
âBut,Daddy...Idonât...you...oh,heck!Youfigureditout,huh?â
âUh-huh.âInodded,notfeelingatalltriumphant.
Sheheavedagreatsigh.âOh,well.Iwasabouttothrowinthetowelanyway.IhadjusthopedIcouldbeataretreatbeforemycoverwasblown.Ifyoudonâtmind,Iâdliketojoinyouinsomeofthatwinenow.â
âHelpyourself.â
âMARKIE?!?â
Aahzhadfinallyrecoveredenoughtomakenoise.Ofcourse,itcomesreflexivelytohim.Theotherswerestillworkingonit.
âDonâtletthelittle-girllooksfoolyou,Aahz,âshewinked.âFolksaresmallandsoftonmydimension.Intherightclothes,itâseasytopassyourselfoffasbeingyoungerthanyoureallyare...lotsyounger.â
âBut...but...â
âThinkaboutitforaminute,Aahz,âIsaid.âYouhadallthepiecesthefirstday.Kids,particularlylittlegirls,areembarrassingatbest,troubleatworst.Thetrickisthatyouexpectthemtobetrouble,soyoudonâtevenconsiderthepossibilitythatwhattheyâredoingcouldbepremeditatedandplanned.â
Ipausedtotakeasipofwine,andforoncenooneinterruptedmewithquestions.
âIfyoulookbackonit,mostoftheproblemsweâvebeenhavinghaveoriginateddirectlyorindirectlyfromMarkie.ShemouthedoffaboutBunnybeinginmybedtogetTanandaupset,andwhenthatdidnâtworkshemadeafewdigsaboutherlivingherefreethatgotherthinkingaboutleaving...justlikeshedeliberatelymadeMasshalookbadinthemiddleofhermagiclessonforthesamereason,togethertoleave.â
âAlmostworked,too,âmyapprenticeobservedthoughtfully.
âThebusinessintheBazaarwasnoaccident,either,âIcontinued.âAllshehadtodowaswaitfortherightopportunitytopretendtogetmadsowewouldnâtsuspectshewasblastingthingsdeliberately.Ifyourecall,sheeventriedtoconvincemethatIdidnâtneedtotakedragonpokerlessons.â
âOfcourse,âMarkieputin,âthatâsnoteasytodowhenpeoplethinkyouâreakid.â
âThebiggestcluewasGleep.IthoughthewastryingtoprotectmefromBunny,butitwasMarkiehewasreallyafter.Ikeeptellingyouthatheâssmarterthanyouthink.â
âRemindmetoapologizetoyourdragon,âAahzsaid,stillstaringatMarkie.
âItwasagoodplan,âshesighed.âNinety-ninepercentofthetimeitwouldhaveworked.Theproblemwasthateveryoneunderestimatedyou,Skeeve...youandyourfriends.IdidnâtthinkyouâdhaveenoughmoneytopayofftheiratemerchantsafterIdidanumberontheirdisplays,andyourfriends...âSheshookherheadslowly.âUsuallyifwordgetsoutthatIâmonassignment,itmakesmyworkeasier.Thetargetâsassociatesbailouttokeepfromgettinghitinthecrossfire,andtryingtogetthemtostayorcomebackonlymakesthingsworse.Partofsinkingsomeoneâscareeriscuttingthemofffromtheirsupportnetwork.âSheraisedherwineinamocktoasttome.
âYourfriendswouldnâtrun...oriftheydid,theywouldnâtstaygoneoncetheyheardyouwereintrouble.ThatâswhenIstartedtohavesecondthoughtsaboutthisassignment.Imean,therearesomecareersthatshouldnâtbescuttled,andIthinkyoursisoneofthem.Youcantakethatasacompliment...itâsmeantas
one.ThatâswhyIwasabouttocallitquitsanyway.Irealizedmyheartjustwasnâtinmyworkthistimearound.â
Shesetdownherwineandstoodup.
âWell,Iguessthatâsthat.Iâllgoupstairsandpacknow.Makeyouadeal.IfyouallpromisenottotellanyonewhothefamousAxis,IâllspreadthewordthatyouâresoinvinciblethateventheAxcouldnâttripyouup.Okay?â
Watchingherleavetheroom,IrealizedwithsomesurprisethatIwouldmissher.DespitewhatAahzhadsaid,ithadbeenkindofnicehavingakidaroundtheplace.
âThatâsit?âmypartnerfrowned.âYouârejustgoingtoletherwalk?â
âIwasthetarget.Ifigureitwasmycall.Besides,shedidnâtdoanyrealdamage.AsChumleypointedoutasecondago,weârefurtheraheadthanwewerewhenshearrived.â
âOfcourse,thereâsthematterofthedamageswehadtopayforherlittlemagicdisplayattheBazaar.â
Foronce,Iwasaheadofmypartnerwhenitcametomoney.
âIhavenâtforgottenthat,Aahz.Ijustfiguretorecoupthelossfromanothersource.Yousee,whatfinallytippedmeoffwas...wait.Heretheyarenow.â
Nunziowasjustcomingintotheroom,draggingtheGeekwithhim.
âHello,Skeeve,âtheDeveelsaid,squirminginmybodyguardâsgrasp.âYour...ah,associateheresaysyouwantedtoseeme?â
âHetriedtosneakoutafterItoldhim.Boss,âNunziosqueaked.âThatâswhattookmesolong.â
âHello,Geek,âIpurred.âHaveaseat.Iwanttohavealittlechatwithyouaboutacardgame.â
âCâmon,Skeeve.Ialreadytoldyou...â
âSit!â
TheGeekdroppedintotheindicatedchairlikegravityhadsuddenlytrebled.IhadborrowedthetoneofvoicefromNunzioâsdragon-trainingdemonstration.Itworked.
âWhattheGeekwasstartingtosay,âIexplained,turningtoAahz,âisthatbeforethegametonighthewarnedmethatIwasovermatchedandaskedmenottohaveanyhardfeelings...thatthegamewiththeKidwasnâthisidea.â
âThatâsright,âtheDeveelinterjected.âWordjustgotoutand...â
âWhatIâmcuriousabout,however,ishowheknewIwasout-classed.â
IsmiledattheGeek,tryingtoshowmyteeththewayAahzdoes.âYousee,Idonâtwanttotalkabouttonightâsgame.Iwashopingyoucouldgiveusalittlemoreinformationabouttheothergame...youknow,theonewhereIwonMarkie?â
TheDeveelglancednervouslyaroundthegroupofassembledscowls.
âI...Idonâtknowwhatyoumean.â
âLetmemakeiteasyforyou.AtthispointIfigurethegamehadtoberigged.ThatâstheonlywayyouwouldknowinadvancewhataweakdragonpokerplayerIam.SomehowyouwerethrowinghandsmywaytobesureIwonbig,bigenoughtoincludeMarkie.Iâmjustcurioushowyoudiditwithouttriggeringthemagicortelepathymonitors.â
TheGeekseemedtoshrinkalittleinhischair.Whenhespoke,hisvoicewassolowwecouldbarelyhearhim.
âMarkedcards,âhesaid.
Theroomexploded.
âMARKEDCARDS??â
âButhow...â
âWouldnâtthat...â
Iwavedthembacktosilence.
âItmakessense.Thinkaboutit,âIinstructed.âSpecifically,thinkbacktoourtriptoLimbo.Rememberhowharditwastodisguiseourselveswithoutusingmagic?EverybodyattheBazaargetssousedtothingsbeingdonemagically,theyforgettherearenon-magicalwaystodothesamethings...likefalsebeards,ormarkedcards.â
TheGeekwasonhisfeetnow.
âYoucanâtholdthatagainstme!Sosomeoneelsepaidmetothrowthegameyourway.Heck,Ishouldthinkyouâdbehappy.Youcameoutahead,didnâtyou?Whatâstobemadabout?â
âIâllbetifItryrealhardIcouldthinkofsomething.â
âLook,ifitâsrevengeyouwant,youalreadygotit.Ilostabundletonightbettingagainstyou.Youwantblood,Iâmbleeding!â
TheDeveelwassweatingvisiblynow.Thenagain,heâsalwaysbeenalittlenervousaroundmeforsomereason.
âRelax,Geek.Iâmnotgoingtohurtyou.Ifanything,Iâmgoingtohelpyou...justlikeyouhelpedme.â
âYeah?âhesaidsuspiciously.
âYousayyouâreshortofcash,weâllfixit.â
âWhat!!??âAahzroared,butTanandapokedhimintheribsandhesubsidedintosullensilence.
âBunny?â
âYeah,Skeeve?â
âFirstthingtomorrowIwantyoutorunovertotheEven-Odds.Gooverthebooks,takeinventory,andcomeupwithafairpricefortheplace.â
TheGeekblinked.
âMyclub?ButI...â
â...ThendrawupanagreementforustotakeitofftheGeekâshands...athalfthepriceyouarriveat.â
âWHAT!!??âtheDeveelscreeched,forgettinghisfear.âWhyshouldIsellmyclubfor...â
â...Morethanitwillbeworthifthewordgetsoutthatyouârerunningriggedgames?âIfinishedforhim.âBecauseyouâreashrewdbusinessman,Geek.Besides,youneedthemoney.Right?â
TheGeekswallowedhard,thenlickedhislipsbeforehespoke.âRight.â
âHowwasthat,Geek?âAahzfrowned.âIdidnâtquitehearyou.â
âIdid,âIsaidfirmly.âWell,wewonâtkeepyouanylonger,Geek.Iknowyouâllwanttogetbacktoyourclubandcleanupabit.Otherwiseweâllhavetoreducetheamountofourappraisal.â
TheDeveelstartedtosnarlsomething,thenthoughtbetterofitandslunkoutintothenight.
âDoyouthinkthatwillmakeupforwhatwehadtopayindamages,partner?âIsaidinnocently.
âSkeeve,sometimesyouamazeme,âAahzsaid,liftinghiswineinasalute.âNowiftherearenomoresurprises,Iâmreadytoparty.â
Itwastempting,butIwasonarollanddidnâtwanttoletthemomentslipaway.
âThereisonemorething,âIannounced.âNowthatweâvetakencareoftheAxandtheKid,Ithinkweshouldaddressthemajorproblemthatâscomeup...whileeveryoneishere.â
âMajorproblem?âmypartnerscowled.âWhatâsthat?â
Takingadeepbreath,Iwentforit.
ChapterTwenty:âSowhatelseisnew?â
-W.CRONKITE
THEwholecrewwasstaringatmeasIrolledmygobletofwinebackandforthinmyhand,tryingtodecidewheretostart.
âIfIâveseemedalittledistractedduringthislatestcrisis,âIsaidatlast,âitâsbecauseIâvebeenwrestlingwithanotherproblemthatâscometomyattention...abigone.Sobigthat,inmymind,theotherstufftookalowerpriority.â
âWhateveryouâretalkingabout,partner,âAahzfrowned,âIâvemissedit.â
âYoujustsaidit,Aahz.Themagicwordisâpartner.âThingshavebeengoingrealwellforyouandme,butwearenâttheonlyonesinthishousehold.WhenweweretalkingtoChumleyandhesaidthathislifewasnâtallbeerandskittles,ittookmeawhiletopuzzleoutwhathewastalkingabout,butitfinallycameclear.â
Ilookedatthetroll.
âBusinessisoffforyou,isnâtit,Chumley?â
âWell,Idonâtliketocomplain...â
âIknow,butmaybeyoushouldonceinawhile,Ihadneverstoppedtothinkaboutitbefore,butyouâvebeengettingfewerandfewerassignmentssinceyoumovedinwithus,havenâtyou?â
âIsthattrue,Chumley?âAahzsaid.âInevernoticed...â
âNooneâsnoticedbecausetheattentionhasalwaysbeenonus,Aahz.TheAahzandSkeeveteamhasbeentakingpriorityovereverythingandeveryoneelse.Weâvebeensobusylivinguptoourbig-nameimagethatweâvemissedwhatitâs
doingtoourcolleagues,theoneswhohavetoalargeextentbeenresponsibleforoursuccess.â
âOh,comenow,Skeeveoldboy,âChumleylaugheduneasily.âIthinkyouâreexaggeratingabitthere.â
âAmI?Yourbusinessisoff,andsoisTanandaâs.Ihatetosayit,butshewasrightwhensheleft,wearestiflingherwithourcurrentsetup.GuidoandNunzioknockthemselvesouttryingtobesuper-bodyguardsbecausetheyâreafraidweâlldecidewedonâtreallyneedthemandsendthempacking.EvenMasshathinksofherselfasanon-contributingteammember.Bunnyâsournewestarrival,andshetriedtotellmethattheonlywayshecouldhelpusisasanornament!â
âIfeelbetteraboutthataftertonight,Skeeve,âBunnycorrected.âBetweennegotiatingwiththeKidandgettingtheassignmenttopriceouttheEven-Odds,IthinkIcandosomethingforyoubesidesbreatheheavy.â
âExactly!âInodded.âThatâswhatâsgivingmethecouragetoproposetheplanIâvecookedup.â
âPlan?Whatplan?â
âThatâswhatIwantedtotalktoyouabout,Aahz.Actually,whatIwantedtotalktoallofyouabout.Whatweâredealingwithinthishouseholdisnâtreallyapartnership...itâsacompany.Everybodyinthisroomcontributestothesuccessofourgroupasawhole,andIthinkitâsabouttimewerestructuredoursetuptoreflectthat.Whatwereallyneedisasystemwhereallofushaveasayastowhatâsgoingon.Thenclientswillbeabletoapproachusasagroup,andwequoteprices,handoutassignmentsorsubcontract,andsharetheprofitsasagroup.Thatâsmyproposal,forwhatitâsworth.Whatdotherestofyouthink?â
ThesilencestretchedonuntilIstartedtowonderiftheyweretryingtothinkofatactfulwaytotellmeIbelongedinarubberroom.
âIdonâtknow,Skeeve,âAahzsaidatlast.
âWhatarenâtyousureof?âIurged.
âIdonâtknowifweshouldcallourselvesMagic,Inc.,orChaos,Ltd.â
âMagic,Inc.,hasalreadybeenused,âTanandaargued.âBesides,Ithinkthenameshouldbealittlemoredignifiedandformal.â
âYoudothat,thentheclientsaregoinâtobesurprisedwhentheyactuallyseeus,knowwhatImean?âGuidoputin.âWeainâtexactlydignifiedandformalourselves.â
Ileanedbackinmychairandtookadeepbreath.Ifthatwastheironlyconcern,myideawasatleastdeemedworthyofconsideration.
Masshacaughtmyeyeandwinked.
Itoastedherback,feelingjustifiablysmug.
âDoesthiscompanyacceptnewapplicants?â
WeallturnedtofindMarkieinthedoor,suitcaseinherhand.
âIdonâtthinkIhavetotellyouallaboutmyqualifications,âshecontinued,âbutIadmirethisgroupandwouldbeproudtobeapartofit.â
Thecrewexchangedglances.
âWell,Markie..â
âItâsstillnebulous...â
âYouâvegottheElementalstuffdowncold...â
âWhatdoyouthink,Skeeve?âAahzsaid.âYouâretheonewhoâsusuallybigonrecruitingoldenemies.â
âNo,âIsaidfirmly.
Theywerealllookingatmeagain.
âSorrytosoundsooverbearingrightafterclaimingIwantedeverybodytohaveasayinthings,âIcontinued,âbutifMarkieâsin,Iâmout.â
âWhatâstheproblem.Skeeve?âMarkiefrowned.âIthoughtwewerestillonprettygoodterms.â
âWeare,âInodded.âIâmnotmadatyou.Iwonâtworkagainstyourcareerorhityouorholdagrudge.Youwerejustdoingyourjob.â
Iraisedmyheadandoureyesmet.
âIjustcanâtgoalongwithhowyouwork,isall.Yousayyouadmireourgroup-well,thegluethatholdsustogetheristrust.Thewayyouoperateistogetpeopletotrustyou,thenbetrayit.Evenifyoustayedloyaltoourgroup,IdonâtthinkIwanttobeassociatedinbusinesswithsomeonewhothinksthatâsthewaytoturnaprofit.â
Istoppedthere,andnooneelseraisedavoicetocontradictme.
Markiepickeduphersuitcaseandstartedforthedoor.Atthelastmoment,though,sheturnedbacktomeandIcouldseetearsinhereyes.
âIcanâtarguewithwhatyouâresaying,Skeeve,âshesaid,âbutIcanâthelpwishingyouhadsettledforhittingmeandletmejoin.â
Therewastotalsilenceasshemadeherdeparture.
âTheyoungladyhasraisedavalidpoint,âChumleysaidatlast.âWhatisourpositiononnewmembers?â
âIfweâreopen,IâdliketoputVicâsnameupforconsideration,âMasshachimedin.
âFirstweâvegottodecideifweneedanyoneelse,âTanandacorrected.
âThatraisesthewholequestionoffree-lancevs.exclusivecontracts,âNunziosaid.âIdonâtthinkthatitâsrealistictohavealloursharesequal.â
âIâvebeendoodlingupaplanonjustthatpoint,Nunzio,âBunnycalled,wavingthenapkinshehadbeenscribblingon.âIfyoucanholdonforafewminutes,Iâllhavesomethingtoproposeofficially.â
AsinterestedasIwasintheproceedings,Ihadtroubleconcentratingonwhatwasbeingsaid.Forsomereason,Markieâsfacekeptcrowdingintomymind.
Sure,whatIsaidwasrough,butitwasnecessary.Ifyouâregoingtoruna
businessorateam,youâvegottosetastandardandadheretoit.Thereâsnoroomforsentimentality.Ihaddonetherightthing,hadnâtI?
HadnâtI?