negotiating with people you live with

Negotiating With Your Spouse & Others at Home

How to Have a Peaceful Home

Life Despite Your Differences

Laurie Israel Attorney/Mediator Brookline, MA © 2009

Who are Those We Live With?

• Alone• Alone with dogs or cats• Temporary roommates you don’t know very well• Friends (high school, college, workplace)• Siblings• Parents• Multi-generational family

© 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA www.laurieisrael.com

Who are Those We Live With?

• Boyfriend/Girlfriend• Committed relationship• Engaged couple• Cohabiting• Married without the License• Legally married• Divorced and living with former spouse


The Challenges of Living with Strangers

• You don’t know what you’re getting

• May not be commitment to work things out

• Lifestyles and values may not match

• Unstable• Incompatibility


The Challenges of Living with Friends

• Puts strain on a good relationship• May prevent you from making

friends or getting into a primary relationship

• Will your friendship ever be the same?

• Does friendship need distance?


The Challenges of Living with Siblings

• Sibling relationship is very fraught• Sibling rivalries run deep• Deep and complex history• Can be very loyal and supportive• Easy for parents to visit


The Challenges of Living with Parents

• Whose problem is it: parents’ or child’s?• One would think parents would like to have

grown children in house.• Often happens due to financial need which puts

pressure on the parent/child and child/other siblings relationships

• Boundary issues• Trusting your child to be an adult


The Challenges of Living with Parents

• Resisting the urge to “parent” your parent• You know each other’s hot buttons• Relevance of parent/childhood experience• “Because I said so”• Issues around financial contributions• Gender expectations


Living with Spouse, Partner or Significant Other

• These are all different• Different levels of commitment• What happens when the going gets rough• How you are perceived by society at large• Cohabitation pre-marriage may result in higher

chance of divorce• Getting together for the wrong reasons• Arranged marriages – do they work?


Differences

• Class differences• Education differences• Family background• Family of origin: birth order & number of siblings• Mental illness in families• Divorce in families• Religious differences• How much (or how little) money you have• How “successful” you are in your career• How many hours of week you work


The Pattern of a Relationship

• You meet and fall in love• What is love?• How long is your engagement?• Did you work through any problems?• How long does the honeymoon last?• Did you have your honeymoon before marriage?• Did you consider what marriage meant before you got

married?• What is marriage?• Why do some people choose not to marry?


Issues Pertaining to Marriage

• What does a wedding mean?• Significance of big vs. small wedding• Significance of elopement• What is first year of marriage like?• Difficulties in relating to in-laws• Does your spouse tie his shoe

correctly?• Is your spouse still

beautiful/handsome?


Having Children

• Joys of Parenthood• Who is more important: the children or

your spouse?• How busy are you?• Who is taking care of the children?• Who is doing the housework?• Who is working outside of the house?• Making decisions about the children


Money Issues

• Do you have too much money?• Do you have too little money?• What can you do about it?• Do you have just about the right amount of

money?• Do you have joint or separate accounts or both?• Do you make money decisions together or

separately?


Contribution Issues

• Do you feel your spouse is carrying his/her own weight?

• Does he/she feel that you are carrying your own weight?

• What to do if there is an imbalance?


Gender Roles/Expectations

• Are gender roles/expectations a problem?

• What if your spouse is at home with or without the children?

• What if your spouse is un- or under-employed?

• What if your spouse has other priorities than you in the family?


• Distorted thinking• We should never have

conflict• My spouse should meet all

of my needs• Getting into mental ruts• Getting into behavioral ruts• “ I can change my spouse”


Mind Games

Finding “The One”

• Is there a perfect person for you (not your spouse)?

• What is a soul mate? • Becoming the perfect one• Marriage creates soul mates• Marriage is commitment• Making managing marriage your career• Is the grass greener on the other side?


It Takes One to Tango


• Annoying thought but true

• Changes you make can affect your spouse/partner/roommate

• It’s like training your dog

• Living companion may not know he/she is being trained, but that’s okay

Corrosive Events & Circumstances in Marriages

• Existence of a Prenuptial Agreement.

• Lack of a Prenuptial Agreement.• Illness of a child.• Behavioral issues of a child.• Illness of spouse.• Death of spouse’s parents• Loss of money or job


We Thought We Were So Compatible…

• Differences in spending• Different interests and hobbies• Different concept of vacations• Differences in how you wish to

spend free time• Differences in religion/spirituality• Differences in child rearing

methods


Conflict Can Be Good

• Don’t let it burn out of control• Uncontrolled conflict can destroy a marriage or

relationship• What not to do• Criticism vs. Legitimate complaint• Don’t attack each other’s character• Showing contempt• Stonewalling• Blaming


What to Do About It

• The Laurie Israel Plan™

• Studies on staying with marriage

• Problem with sharing bad things with friends/family

• Some things you can change

• Some things never change

• Walking around problem areas


What to Do About It, Part 2

• Communicating verbally

• Hot speech

• Using “I” words

• Asking the powerful non-defensive question

• Communicating in writing

• The problems with email



• Interpreting the meaning behind the action or the words

• Encouraging good behavior with “predictions”

• Creating clear boundaries

• Protecting yourself

• Disarming your spouse



• Demonstrating respect• What to do if your living partner does not

demonstrate respect to you• Bargaining with your living partner• Using humor• Accepting imperfections• Promoting freedom for each of you

• Promoting self growth


Counteracting Marital Malaise

• Interpreting the blue print behind the words or actions

• Counteracting marital dissatisfaction

• Encouraging compassion

• Discouraging resentment

• Practice simplicity, patience, and compassion


Marriage is Important

• Why marriage is important

• Why marriage deserves your attention

• Treat your spouse better than you treat anyone else

• Foster and encourage your spouse’s dreams and goals

• If possible, try to understand your spouse’s interests or at least respect them


Financial Security for Married People

• The third leg of a three-legged stool

• Work hard to create financial security

• Make sure money is not scarce

• Enjoy your life


Forgiveness

• Everybody makes mistakes• Everybody says things wrong• Let things pass• Assume your living

companion (and you) will learn from your mistakes


Fidelity in Marriage

• Be faithful and do not have an affair• What to do if your spouse has an emotional affair• What to do if your spouse has an actual affair• What to do if you are having an emotional affair• What to do if you are having an actual affair• Infidelity is not necessarily the end of your marriage• The different types of infidelity• How people can heal their marriages


Expectations about Marriage

• Don’t think marriage is perfect• Don’t think marriage is easy• Be satisfied with the things you have• Know that both or you are doing the

best that you can• Always assume the best of your

spouse• Don’t think it is greener on the other

side• Compliment your spouse at least

once a day


Why Divorce Generally Should be Avoided

• Unnecessary• Starting over with same problems• Financially devastating• Should you stay married because of the

children?• Learning about life and reconciliation• A shared history of memories and experiences


Where to Get Help

• It’s never too late to get your marriage back on track

• Read books on marriage• Go to marriage websites• Attend marriage retreat programs• Marriage counseling• Individual counseling/therapy• Marital mediation (Mediation to Stay Married)• See a divorce lawyer to get a “read” on what

a divorce would look like


negotiating with people you live with

Education

money issues

challenges ofliving

spouse mind games

little money

money decisions

siblings sibling relationship

year of marriage

good relationship