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where sold The realignment edition September 2014 Issue 2

Well we seemed to get away with it last month, only 6 complaints and 1 offer outside. Not good enough, so this edition has our world exclusive and is guaranteed to be Ebola free. We present - The Realignment Issue

WORLD EXCLUSIVE: ADELAIDE STAR STUART:

I’VE UNDERGONE A SEX CHANGE TO BECOME A WOMAN!

After 2 decades at the Adelaide, ex 2nd XI captain Stuart Sumner 32, decided the time was right to have the op and become a women. A tough talking captain Stuart guided The Adders to, err relegation! Stuart was liked by all his team mates, there was never a dull moment. The night he slept in the bushes outside the club house, or the day he thought Tim Grover had covered his car in plaster and wrote "Grover was here" spring to mind.

Not one of the brightest sometimes!

He picked up his nickname of "Bumner" on tour, that now

seems to fit even more!

Stuart as we knew him moved to America, to get away from friends and family, to have the operation. This exclusive interview comes after Stuart, now Adel Walker invited NAN reporters to

his apartment in Las Vegas.

In an astonishing, emotional interview, she tells how she has felt trapped in the wrong body since she was a child and how she finally made her

courageous decision to become a woman.

“I was born in the wrong body and I have always known I was a woman. After being bowled out against Southgate as an under 15, by their female player, I knew I had to change. It happened again to me in the game against a mixed Middlesex coaches side, I couldn't take it any more so moved away to have the operation.

As they say if you can't beat them join them."

“What was wrong at birth is now being medically corrected. I have a female brain. I knew I was different from the minute I could compare myself to other children. I wasn’t in the right body. I was jealous of girls. I've always had long legs, and wanted to be a

model, this is now possible.”

“But I have never been able to tell anyone at The Adders."

“Can you imagine me walking out to captain the side dressed

as a woman. I can imagine what the lads would say to me.”

Stuart was married for 2 years but soon realised he wasn't the man for that. "I only got married so people didn't think different of me. My wedding day was a nightmare I wanted to be the bride and wear a dress, now I have my chance.” he added. "I had to get out of it. I told the ex I was moving to America to work at the Winter Olympics and Football World Cup. The real reason was to

become a women.”

“I hope I will still be accepted by everyone at the Adelaide.”

With that Adel burst into tears, got all emotional, as Stuart always use to after a few drinks. We then knew he/she hadn't changed

completely.

Adel, we hope to see you back at the Adelaide as soon as possible, firstly to see the changes and secondly to captain our

women's team!

Stuart as we

remember him

Now that would be a waste.

Recent comment from an Adelaide member

‘I Should have been born a boy’ - Paige Rhodes

A Gaj - an annoying person, particularly if they have had a few drinks. Likely to

start poking you.

As in "stop drinking mate, your turning into a right Gaj"

Adelaide urban dictionary

An interview with Alex Flett, by Stanislav Klunj In the first of an occasional series, we have interviewed one of the team captains in an effort to find out

exactly who we voted in and what makes them tick.

No-one quite knows where Alex came from, one day he wasn’t here and then the next he was, having been dropped off with a friend in a chauffeur driven Bentley wearing a dress suit, the security camera picking up the scene with the Cox’s and Aaron Fitz looking on. Although his friend didn’t stay, we knew

then we were in the presence of someone destined to go places.

SK - So Alex, for the record, what is your full name?

AF - Er, well it is actually Alexander Fortescue Mountbatten Deacon Sebas-

tian Xavier Flett but you don’t need to put that in do you.

SK - No of course not. So tell us about your time at Oxford University?

AF – No, no, no, it was Oxford Poly, really it was. I don’t even know where

the Uni is. Honest.

SK – But there is this famous picture of you in the Bullingdon Club along with David Cameron and Mayor Boris, and all the riotous stories of you guys

enjoying spelling bees around the camp fire.

AF – How did you find this? Look, I can make life

very difficult for you if you publish it.

SK – We wont don’t worry. Let’s concentrate on your music. You are obviously a big fan of music and I see you have been in a band. I am surprised that one of the boy bands hasn’t snapped you up with your bad boy

looks

AF – Yes music is a passion, I have been to lots of really heavy rock gigs where there were lots of fights that I was in the middle of, in fact I started them. I was at Reading festival where I inhaled some smoke from a bloke next to me who was

doing weed so that counts as me doing it doesn’t it? I was spaced man.

SK – And of course you are going to a folk music and art festival, but we wont discuss that either. Anyway, talk to us about your captaincy.

AF – I learnt the art from Alistair Cook when he gave a talk at Oxford University, I mean Poly. Captaincy is all about having a plan A, if that works fine, but if it doesn’t stick with plan A as it will come good. If it fails completely, go for plan A. Whilst I have the floor, for the next game Ellis will bowl until over 13, with Bear until over 16. Pat will then bowl until over 42 unless he goes for more than 3.8729 per over, in which case then Ellis will come back. I have yet to receive agreement over my fielding positions from the oppo so I will put that on the wall on the day. Batting line up

will be decided by a game of poo sticks. Batsmen should have two sandwiches and a sausage for tea, bowlers can have three extra biscuits.

With that he shot off for the outfield to run his latest venture, Alex Flett coaching, a great idea where it seems he charges our colts, huge sums to play on our outfield, with our equipment, using our changing rooms and our bar.

Nothing wrong with that then. I am sure it is all ok with the Inland Revenue.

We are indeed fortunate to have someone in our midst who significantly raises the average IQ, and with having such modern captaincy ideas, is a shoe in for the 1s role whenever he wants it. He wanted me to mention that he is available to hire using our bar for speaking functions or to use our nets for personal coaching at reasonable rates, and is selling autographs after matches. Lifts to away games can be arranged at 40p per

mile, £3 minimum.

Alex far left sitting on the stairs with Boris and David

A young Alex with the 2 cox’s and Aaron Fitz

behind

Aunt Adel is not one for blowing her own trumpet, but clearly having a pop at the 1st team worked and yes, I will take credit for the

recent top performances. See how good I am? Send me your questions and I will help. This month's needy members;

Dear Aunt Adel My dad has been at the club a couple of seasons now, and came

with a good reputation and I have been happy to see from the scorebox that he is starting to show what he can do with the bat.

There is a problem though, when the Adders take the field, I have to hide cos he cannot catch for toffee. He threw me in the air once when I was a baby and even dropped me on my head,

clearly no damage though. Thanks U N Fergysson

Dear U N I share your pain. He has the ability to make Dan Whiting look quick in the outfield and even fell over putting the covers on last

week. The only thing I have seen him catch are cakes. How about this, let him run a catching session at colts training, he will think he is helping the colts, but we will know that you are really

training him, it's going to be a long hard road though. Auntie Adel

Dear Aunt Adel The Premier League season is only one weekend old and already I have seen 29

instances where the referees have clearly been bought by the Russian mafia or far Eastern betting

syndicates, what can be done, I am worried that we will not be able to finish 4th again.

Yours, Ivan Winkwink

Dear Ivan Corruption in sport is one of the world's huge problems, may I suggest that you contact the

leading expert in fighting this evil, Mr S Blatter in Zurich. Payment for his thoughts will

need to be in used 20s. Aunt Adel

Dear Aunt Adel Sorry love, there will be no more knock off cans of coke, they have finally found out I haven't actually delivered anything in the past 10 years and they have shown me

the door. Fartin Mack

Dear Fartin Did you keep the door, I need a new one. Keep me posted whatever you do next,

same arrangement. Sweet Aunt

Editors

Richard Ellwood

Neil Watts

Contributors

Richard Ellwood

Neil Watts

Martyn Chandler (Small part!)

Any articles warmly accepted from

anybody. Please get in touch with

one of the editors. You could win

one of our great prizes for your

story.

A Lyte- the opposite of a Gaj, a person who is quiet and mumbles.

As in "you asleep over there mate you're being a bit of a Lyte tonight"

Adelaide urban dictionary

The Kenna - the bar tab, list of people that owe.

As in "sorry mate, I left my wallet at

home, can you stick it on the Kenna"

Disciplinary Report by Bunty Ramshackle

The world of high end publishing is a harsh place to be and if the most successful author in the

history of Southgate Adelaide can fire his sidekick for his new book, then the Editors of NAN

must take tough decisions when confronted with total insubordination. In true Piers Morgan

style, we will publish the full facts and then let you, our redoubtable reader make your own mind

up what the outcome should be.

It all started when our subject, and just to protect his identity

until found guilty, er until if he is found, we shall call him Marty

Fromdenmark, and it was discovered that he had been sending

inappropriate text messages possibly containing anti cricket, anti

Arsenal and, most damagingly of all, possibly anti ginger

sentiments. Any one of these texts is poor judgement in the

extreme, but to our thin ginger members, it is most damaging to

the good atmosphere in the club.

Our subject was found to swapping texts with this man.

A disciplinary committee was quickly assembled last week, led by the experienced Gareth

Morgan, supported by Ivan Ninkovic and Luke Gilbert, and unsurprisingly, they found him guilty

in 3 seconds once the charges were read out. He has been banned from all cricket related

activities for 9 games and cannot be transferred to any Spanish cricket teams that have been

banned from making signings for a year as that would surely would be against the spirit of sport.

Sadly, our subject reacted badly rather than taking

his punishment like a man, “**** it, it’s all

********, I’m not doing the article now for the

NAN issue, that’s of course if I am one of the secret

writers, and I am not saying that I am” and he was

last seen grasping a bottle of white wine and head-

ing towards KFC, MaccyDs and Romna Gate.

We work to very tight deadlines here at NAN and so he has been suspended

pending further investigations. We are just sorry that it is you, our dear paying

public, that have to suffer and have one less article than you expect.

If you see him about, please direct him back to Jacals as the bins need putting

out.

HOT OFF THE PRESS!

Craig’s team for next week

1. Craig Lyte (wkt)

2. Keith Alexander (wkt)

3. Quentin Benningfield (wkt)

4. Richard Ellwood (wkt)

5. Darren Close (wkt)

6. Matt Duff (wkt)

7. Adam Burn (wkt)

8. Neil Watts (wkt)

9. Luke Gilbert (wkt)

10. Billy Amas (wkt)

11. Gary Flack (wkt)

Adelaide urban dictionary

Is a ginger twat

2nd August

1st XI v Northwood Town

NTCC 203-10

ECC 162-10

2nd XI v County Hall

SACC 213-7

CHCC 38-2

3rd XI v Potton Town

SACC 96-10

PTCC 97-1

9th August

1st XI v Potter Bar

SACC 208-10

PBCC 162-10

2nd XI v Mill Hill Village

SACC 109-10

MHCC 112-2

3rd XI v Stevenage

SCC 119-10

SACC 78-10

16th August

1st XI v Hertford

SACC 158-10 N Iqbal 41

HCC 140-10 J Amhed 5-28

2nd XI v Old Camdenians

SACC 152-10

OCCC 156-2

3rd XI v Wormley

SACC 187-10

WCC 188-7

Results

Note:- Due to missing score card individual scores could not be added.

Sunday games have not been added as there was only 1 game which wasn't interesting!

August 100 Club Results

Due to the early publication of New

Adders News the 100 club has been

omitted from this issue.

Results will be in the next issue

Each month NAN will be interviewing one of

our colts to find out a bit more about them.

This month Alex Wilkinson

Which senior member do you look up to?

Liam Farrell

Who is the most Likely colt to be 1st team captain

Alex Wilkinson!

Who are the colts to look out for in 2015?

Harry Cox

What is your highest score?

Adults 32* Colts 50*

What is your best bowling figures?

Adults 3-25 Colts 2-10

Favourite item at tea?

Cakes!!

Who is your Favourite Group/Singer?

Clean Bandit

How did you hear about The Adelaide?

Through Harry Cox

Which football team do you support?

Liverpool

What could make the Adders better?

Nick Southgate's mobile nets!

Date for your diary!!

Saturday 18th October

End of season dinner

Keep this date free, more details to

follow regarding venue etc.