Your Guide to Zombie Annihilation in the Contact Center

Finally a guide for the attack-minded contact center

Night of the Living Prepared

Night of the Living PreparedYour Guide to Zombie Annihilation in the Contact Center

Ancient Zombies: Gallobhas and Ukdungles in the Early Marketplace

The earliest zombies of customer support pre-date modern contact centers by thousands of years, and yet they still exist in large numbers today, feasting on the loyalty, trust, and goodwill they kill. Of these ancient zombies, there are two distinct types, which are believed to be the progenitors of all other zombies commonly found in today’s contact centers.

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The first of these ancient customer support zombies is the Unskilled Zombie, or “Gallobha.” Tale of this zombie has traveled across many centuries and diverse trades. It is easily identified by its sightless eyes, crusted over with a thick film of brain matter. For this reason, these zombies are also aptly referred to as “Blind Brutes.”

The science behind their blindness also holds a sliver of redemptive hope for the Gallobha breed. The ancient strain of zombie virus affecting them attacks the brain through the eyes and generally limits its takeover to the cranial region. This means the host body is often not fully infected, making the Unskilled Zombie curable. But, just as with killing it, curing it must be done with extreme care (See Kill Guide, p.3).

The Unskilled Zombie: The Gallobha

The Gallobha’s origins can be traced back to Scotland, to the Galloway Forest region, known for its intensely dark night sky. In 1547, members of the Farquharson Clan recorded the first known sighting of a Gallobha, after the Battle of Pinkie Cleugh.

Thahr an fraochmhá in aice leis an phortach móna nuair a bhí a chaitear ar ár fir tar éis titim ag an saol seo chugainn, chonaic muid méadú corp, le Gore ag titim as a shúile, agus stumble blindly mar cheann fós beo.

Over the heath near the peat bog where our fallen men were consumed by the next life, we saw a corpse rise, with gore falling from his eyes, and stumble blindly as one still alive.

Common NameGallobha

Other NamesBlind Brute

Zombie TypeAncient

IdentificationBrain-encrusted eyesLittle to no bodily deterioration

DietIndiscriminate eaters, will consume just about any positive customer support outcome

WeaknessClearly defined expectations Agent accountability Regular one-on-one training

WeaponryCoach Contact ReportVoice of Associate Program

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The second of the ancient customer support zombies is the Unresolved Zombie, or “Ukdungle.” The earliest accounts of this somnambulist report their breed being driven from a bazaar in Delhi, India, where they terrorized merchants who couldn’t clearly understand complaints from dissatisfied buyers and could only make guesswork attempts at resolving the issues with their crops and handiwork. These Ukdungles were cursed by godmen “to attack in sight and survive in flight” and banished to their namesake Himalayan village— Ukdungle—where they became a mountain-hardened creature.

Unlike the Gallobha, the only way to “resolve” an Ukdungle is to kill it. After centuries of a cursed existence at extreme elevation, the strain of zombie virus ensured its survival by burrowing deep into the center of the brain and stimulating membrane growth to form a protective outer layer to shield it from the harsh Himalayan elements. While ensuring the zombie’s survival, this con-centration in the brain left the extremities to freeze and petrify in the elements.

Centuries in the mountains resulted in a zombie identifiable by its enlarged brain and skeletal body structure. Another telling mark of these zombies—almost certainly an effect of the godmen’s curse—is their unique survival mechanism of vanishing from sight when struck in the brain (unless the blow is precise and fatal). This curious curse has led to their other common alias: “Disapparators.” (See Kill Guide, p.4)

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The Unresolved Zombie: The Ukdungle

Common NameUkdungle

Other NamesDisapparator

Zombie TypeAncient

IdentificationEnlarged brain Skeletal, mummified figure

DietLoyalty & consumer confidence Future profits

WeaknessStraightforward communication A well-trained ear

WeaponryIncident Management Coach Contact Report

central virus burrowsensory viral layer

outbound infection channels

thick protective membrane

Modern Zombies: The Ticking Death and Turncroaks Take Manhattan

Long before the call center was born, the art of customer support was taking root in ancient marketplaces. Any questions or concerns about a bartered good could only be resolved back at the transactional source, if at all. Even up through the 1800s, in the late modern age of international trade and city-centered commerce, physical travel and face-to-face conversation were still the only means of reaching customer support (that also includes the practice among high-ranking nobles of sending ambassadors to act in their behalf ).

It wasn’t until the the very tail end of the 1800s that the idea of a contact center began taking shape, thanks to the advent of the telephone and switchboard. The first phone-based branch exchanges were organized shortly thereafter, and, intentionally or not, they initially succeeded in diminishing their local populations of customer support zombies, which had gained a formidable foothold in global centers of commerce, such as New York and London.

As 19th century thought revolved more and more around free enterprise and capitalism, the zombie virus was exposed to increasingly technical market terrain and newly refined phone-based attacks. In response to these new conditions, mutation accelerated for the first time in millennia to form new zombie breeds with specialized adaptations.

The first of the modern customer support zombies to emerge from this change is the Hold Zombie, or “The Ticking Death.” A turn-of-the-century evolution, the emergence of this zombie directly corresponds to the aforementioned inventions of the day: the telephone and switchboard. As this exciting new technology converged on the customer support world, it brought with it a learning curve and a dangerous ability to “put someone on hold.”

The Ticking Death, also frequently called “Soul Suckers,” have a preternatu-rally vacant aura that physically drains the energy and will of any customer in its presence. Because of this, it does not take long for them to make a kill.

The Hold Zombie: The Ticking Death

Common NameThe Ticking Death

Other NamesSoul Sucker

Zombie TypeModern

IdentificationEnergy-draining aura Exposed bone at joints

DietCustomer Experience

WeaknessChannel choice Self-service options Strategic staffing IVR, call routing

WeaponryText Analytics Incident Management

Conversely, the most effective attacks on this zombie type have been extremely quick strikes (See Kill Guide, p.6). As far as identification, if you don’t recognize them by the noticeable drag on your willpower, you can spot them by the tell-tale tic in their movements. These spastic motions also cause early-on-set deterioration, exposing large areas of bone, especially around the joints.

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It wasn’t until the ’70s that the next significantly evolved zombie appeared on the customer support scene. In the wake of the 1960s—the introduction of the touchtone phone, the 1-800 number, and the first true (albeit primitive) call center support departments—the 1970s produced a depraved creature called the Churn Zombie, or “Turncroak.” Thanks to the departmentalization and nascent staffing & training procedures of contact centers (and often ironic attempts at efficiency), new weaknesses entered the circle of customer support, allowing Turncroaks to enter almost completely unnoticed. They immediately began picking off transactions, wreaking havoc, and turning both customers and phone agents into zombies pitted against the business they once saw as an ally.

The first Turncroak specimens are thought to be former contact center agents who, in a dramatic show of disenchantment and disengagement from humanity, willingly submitted to the bite of the Gallobha. Strangely, the zombie virus did not affect these “victims” in its normal fashion; rather than breaching the brain primarily through the ocular orifice, it infested the mouth first, spreading through the digestive system in search of a new route to the brain through the spine.

While there are numerous theories as to why exactly this happened (most having to do with underdevelopment in the eyes of the first victims, caused by years of disengagement, avoiding eye contact, and looking downward), there is little doubt about how this mutation physically manifests itself, eating away the stomach and bowels, exposing the spine and other visceral organs.

Because of their willing submission to zombiehood, Turncroaks were initially thought to be eager predators. Over time, however, history has shown a more subdued reality. Given the right technique, Turncroaks can be warded off and kept at bay (See Kill Guide, p.9). And, of course, it must be mentioned that the maxim “prevention is the best cure” is especially true for these zombies.

The Churn Zombie: The Turncroak

Common NameTurncroak

Other NamesMill Monster

Zombie TypeModern

IdentificationBeady eyes Bowed head

DietStaffing & training budget Future profits

WeaknessIndividual focus Closed-loop service recovery

WeaponryIncident Management

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Intelligent Zombies: Slagheaps and Lizard Tails Form Their Unholy AllianceYour contact center as you see it today deals daily with zombie attacks. The undead responsible for these attacks on your performance are more numerous now than ever, with the current number of officially recognized customer support zombies up to six. The four we’ve covered so far were the only ones on record until the early ’90s. And then the Internet happened.

The subsequent introduction of VoIP technologies, email, chat, and countless other tools, caused rapid change in the contact center. Where these centers were once run as cost centers with single-channel (transaction-heavy) workflows, limited call routing strategies, and a highly manual environment—they are now on the path to becoming profit & intelligence centers spurred by multichannel workflows, self-help options, and a rich technical environment.

In this time of flux, a pair of zombies followed in the misshapen footsteps of the Hold and Churn Zombies to become the next customer support zombies evolving alongside major advances in communications technology. Exponentially moreso than their predecessors, these zombies require a cutting-edge arsenal to take them out. While a good strategy is still vital, it alone is not enough to counter these intelligent zombies.

The Unstructured Zombie: The Slagheap

It is now widely believed that Slagheaps existed well before 1990, but, thanks to their low numbers and rather docile nature, they were largely unnoticed or ignored until then. Even in the early days of their documented existence, they were thought to be merely an entrenched inconvenience or necessary evil. It’s hard to blame the first customer support zombie hunters for abandoning efforts to abolish the Slagheap, as the first attempts to destroy them were both arduous and perplexingly unfruitful. The congealed, gelatinous form of these boneless zombies proved capable of absorbing anything short of a tedious deconstruction at a molecular level.

In the ’90s, these grotesque zombies emerged from the shadows in large numbers and broke their long-held silence. Indeed, even being such a visually unique creature, Slagheaps are still more commonly identified by the sound of

their persistent rasping whispers—a trait unique to them and their remarkable manifestation of the zombie virus.

Upon their 1993 discovery (or rediscovery) and examination, Slagheaps were found to have retained some intelligence and slight brain activity. Emerging research on these heaps has revealed that, upon infection with the zombie virus, the immune system of the host triggers a remarkable response, drawing marrow out of the bones and into the brain to protect a small portion of human sentience. This actually preserves a portion of the host’s intelligence, personality, humanity, and even goodwill. It is this living tie to their humanity that explains their fairly docile demeanor. Within the brain of a Slagheap rages an eternal war. Far from being lucid in their sentience, these zombies are caught between two conflicting urges: one to survive by feeding their viral bloodthirst, the other to end their own tortured existence by exposing their weakness. As they drag through contact centers in their cursed state, in a rasping whisper almost completely indecipherable to the human ear, these zombies plead for death by divulging the necessary information for a quick death at your hands. This information is different for each individual Slagheap, unique to the humanity it clings to. The key to mercifully killing a Slagheap is deciphering the scrambled message that is their cry (See Kill Guide, p.11).

Common NameSlagheap

Other NamesWind Whisperer

Zombie TypeIntelligent

IdentificationEerie rasping whisper Deflated invertebrate form

DietWork hours Customer relationship

WeaknessLanguage processing & automated decryption

WeaponText Analytics

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The advent of the Internet opened up many new channels for customer contact: email, chat, forums, and social media, with more entering by mobile device everyday. While these channels have allowed contact centers in general to weaken certain zombie populations, most centers now find themselves facing newer, smarter zombie foes instead. As more and different types of data are collected at an accelerated pace, one zombie is showing up more and more to the post-Y2K party:

The Omni-Zombie, or “Lizard Tail” is the second of the intelligent zombies and a direct descendent of the Slagheap. Lizard Tails are catalyzed by much of the same recent technological shifts as Slagheaps—and actually arose from early attempts to eradicate the boneless nuisance.

Some of the first automated tracking and decoding technologies deployed on the Unstructured Zombie reacted violently with the zombie virus, so that when the zombie hunter running the technology was bitten, not only was the marrow

from her bones drawn out in defense, the immune defense was so intense her brain also partially liquified and pooled into the bone cavities, spreading viral neurons through the reanimated zombie corpse, where it hardened and produced semi-sentience in the undead limbs, while also reinforcing the skeletal structure. Thus, though very closely related to the Slagheap, the Omni-Zombie is an upright zombie with a far different appearance.

This semi-sentience throughout the Omni-Zombie makes it quite the persistent and destructive enemy. If any of its limbs are severed from the body, they con-tinue to attack and otherwise harangue your contact center, having something akin to an undead mind of their own. They were given the nickname “Lizard Tails” after they were witnessed leaving a still-moving leg, arm, or even finger behind much like the autotomy seen in lizards. Aside from this detached limb animation effect, Lizard Tails are hard to identify superficially. Some things to look for are an extreme lack of hand-eye coordination and missing appendages.

Defeating the Lizard Tail is currently beyond the abilities of any human— at least directly. It is believed they each have a unique weakness, much like the Slagheap; however, they do not reveal it, nor have they shown an ability to do so. To date, only fellow Lizard Tails appear to understand each other’s weaknesses. We know this because, if caged together, they will kill and cannibalize each other. The more Omni-Zombies (and their animated appendages) you can centralize in one location, the quicker you can dispose of this intelligent zombie (See Kill Guide, p.12). This makes advanced zombie gathering and trapping techniques your only friend until a more direct offense can be discovered.

The Omni-Zombie: The Lizard Tail

Common NameSlagheap

Other NamesWind Whisperer

Zombie TypeIntelligent

IdentificationEerie rasping whisper Deflated invertebrate form

DietWork hours Customer relationship

WeaknessLanguage processing & automated decryption

WeaponText Analytics

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