EMPATHY. No book on raising children leaves it out. No book on marriage bypasses it. Up there with “validation,” empathy seems to be high on the list of qualities a human being must develop if he or she wants to relate successfully to other human beings.

However, the quality of empathy has roots that reach far deeper than the Self-Improvement shelf of the book store. It reaches all the way back to the Torah, not with one all-encompassing commandment of “You shall empathize with your brother,” but rather, with a wide range of mitzvos which, one by one, train us in the fine art of bringing others’ needs and feelings into our own heart.

As Rabbi Jonathan Rietti observes, the Torah illustrates important aspects of empathy with the mitzvah of the arei miklat – cities of refuge established to harbor people who unintentionally take someone’s life. Six cities were designated throughout the land, and every crossroads of every highway had a sign that pointed the way to the nearest one.

“The Torah cares,” says Rabbi Rietti. “It looks into the heart of someone who has not had the merit to protect him from accidentally taking another life. The person is in a panic. He thinks, ‘I can’t believe I killed someone! What am I going to do?’ The Torah has already said to prepare every crossroad so that despite his confusion, he will know where to go.”

Though such a situation is rare, the Torah lays out some basics of the way in which Hashem wants the Jewish people to interact with each other. Most prominently, it teaches that empathy isn’t reserved only for those whom people hold in high regard. The thought that “his mess is of his own making” often derails empathy, but in the case of the arei miklat, Hashem shows empathy even for a person who is so lacking in merit that he becomes the agent of another person’s ultimate misfortune.

In other words, even though empathy is defined as “identifying with another’s pain and suffering (or even joy),” it doesn’t rest on identifying with that person’s way of life or thought patterns. It depends on thinking, “How would I feel if I were him?” rather than “If he were more like me, this wouldn’t be happening to him.”

Rabbi Rietti asserts that there are more than 100 mitzvos in the Torah that act as part of the “empathy training plan.” They include the well-known mitzvos that arise from “V’ahavta l’rei’acha kamocha” – Love your neighbor as yourself – such as visiting the sick, escorting the dead, helping to marry off young couples and giving tzedakah.

In addition, they include less obvious mitzvos such as “V’halachta b’drachav” – emulating Hashem’s ways; “Lo sisna es achicha b’lvavecha – Do not hate your brother in your heart; “Lo samod al dam rei’echa” – Do not stand (idly) by the blood of your neighbor”; Kibbud av va’eim” – honoring parents (especially in their old age); and special sensitivity to orphans and widows, which the Chofetz Chaim says includes anyone who is particularly vulnerable and unprotected in life.

Even the mitzvah of returning a lost item is an exercise in empathy, Rabbi Rietti says. A person who sees an abandoned item sitting on the floor may not just step over it or kick it aside. He has to look at it and think, “Someone is going to be looking for this.” For one moment, he must reckon with what he feels like when he’s missing an item – searching his pockets, checking under seat cushions, twisting himself in half to check under the seats of the car, asking everyone “Have you seen my….”

Significantly, returning a lost object builds empathy even for an unidentified “someone,” since a person may not know right away to whom the item belongs. The mitzvah teaches us to feel for a fellow Jew, no matter who he is. There is no one outside the orbit of our empathy.

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Nosei B’ol Im Chaveiro

WHYSHOULDI CARE?

THE EMOTIONAL CONNECTIONClearly, the Torah wants us to not only physically help each other, but also to emotionally

connect to those who need our help. The body language and facial expressions a person projects in these interactions determine whether his empathy will go all the way to its ultimate, deeper purpose.

That purpose, says Rabbi Rietti, is to uplift all of mankind. Sources in Kabbalah teach that since every human being originated in Adam haRishon, every neshamah branches out from that one root. Therefore, the care one person lavishes upon another affects every soul in existence. The reassuring smile, genuine eye contact, patience and warmth a person expresses as he listens to another’s troubles are nourishment that helps the entire world to thrive.

If a person doesn’t feel warmth and understanding in his heart, says Rabbi Rietti, “then follow the advice of the Mesillas Yesharim and ‘fake it till you make it.’ Because you’re not really faking it. You’re training yourself in the reality that your neshamah is craving, a connection to the other person’s neshamah.”

JUDGMENT CONTROLIf empathy were a flower, the growing instructions would read “plant in soil that contains

no judgment,” because judgment kills empathy. Nevertheless, judgment is the default mode for most people. In many cases, it’s essential to making choices in life. Therefore, the Torah guides us on how to contain and channel our natural tendency to judge.

First it warns, “Do not judge on your own.” No one can see a situation with complete objectivity; every person is blinded by his own preconceptions. Therefore the Torah warns that whatever a person’s “common sense” tells him is bound to be skewed to some degree.

If the judgment takes form in his mind anyway, his next step is to follow the dictum “Do not judge your friend until you stand in his place.” That exercise, if done honestly, shakes the foundation of the judgment the person has made. He realizes that he cannot stand in the other person’s place. Unless a person grows up in the same home, has the same physical and mental traits, attends the same schools, has the same friends and lives in the same community as another person, he cannot experience life in the same way.

If even that dictum doesn’t dislodge the judgment that has formed in the person’s mind, then he reaches the Torah’s final barrier against disparaging others: “Hevei dan… l’chaf zechus”— judge to the side of merit. Using these words as a guide, he can at least consider possible ways in which his friend’s mistakes might be justified.

ACCOMPLISHING SOMETHINGFor many people, setting aside judgment and “just listening” seem to be uselessly passive

ways of dealing with others’ difficulties. They want to give advice or take action. After all, what’s the use of talking about a problem when the problem can be fixed? They cannot help but tell the person whom to call, what to read and where to go to alleviate the troubles.

Empathy, however, is not really a passive response; it is a highly effective way to alleviate another person’s pain. Shlomo Hamelech teaches (Mishlei: 27:19) “Kamayim hapanim la panim, ken lev ha’adam l’adam” – As water reflects the face, so does the heart of man. In other words, when one person smiles at another and shows through his expression that “your troubles matter to me,” the other person’s heart responds in kind. He realizes that he’s not alone in his troubles. He is uplifted, even if his problem hasn’t changed one iota.

When one Jew gives another Jew empathy, he is giving him a second set of hands to help carry the burden. The one who is struggling can find some respite in his struggle. Perhaps he can then find the mental energy to think of solutions, make changes and seek practical help. The “passive” tool of empathy can open the way to real solutions.

It provides a This-Worldly reminder of the all-powerful truth that sustains each and every person in his times of trouble: Hashem Himself is with us in our pain.

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Most people understand the need to offer empathy to their spouses, children, friends – anyone who feels the need to share their challenges. Most people truly want to do a good job of providing the comfort of letting someone feel he is being heard and understood. Nevertheless, people often find themselves doing something else instead: tuning out, offering advice, changing the subject.

Mrs. Yael Kaisman offers some useful insights into why people fail and how they can succeed in the soul-sustaining art of empathetic listening:

Sometimes we are self-absorbed. Our friend is talking about his challenge when we have our own troubles that we would like to unload. Therefore we tune him out and try to shift the focus of the conversation.We make a judgment about the person’s situation. To us, it doesn’t seem to be such a large problem. We see the person’s pain as a lack of proper hashkafah. Instead of listening, we offer a mini-shiur in emunah or some other wisdom that we are certain will instantly change the person’s perspective.

We try to make an end-run around the problem by putting a silver lining on it. “You don’t get along with your mother-in-law? Well, at least she buys your kids nice clothes.”

We want to find the perfect words to solve the problem. We want to be the hero whose advice the other person follows to triumph over the challenge.In the case of serious problems, we are uncomfortable with the reminder of our own vulnerability. The strategy of Gedolim, who hear the heart-breaking problems of thousands of Jews, is to feel the other person’s pain but learn how to put it in its own compartment so that they can still live a joyful life.The key to overcoming all these empathy

obstacles, says Mrs. Kaisman, is “to get yourself out of the way and just be with the other person.” When we put our effort into identifying the other person’s emotions and feeling it with him, that very action arouses Heavenly mercy.

GETTING TOEMPATHY

From a Tiferes presentation, "Is Empathy a Mitzvah?" To join Tiferes, the women's division of CCHF, and enjoy monthly video presentations and weekly teleconferences by renowned speakers on topics that interest you, call CCHF 845 352 3505 ext. 110.