not what god wanted many marriages feed on strife, quarreling, ill will, suspicion, jealousy, and...
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Not What God Wanted
Many marriages feed on strife, quarreling, ill will, suspicion, jealousy, and fault-finding
Our marriage manual teaches different behavior
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I Cheerfulness / Comradery
Dt.24:5 Women had few rights Husband could not treat her
as a slave or a mere possession
She was a person with feelings and needs that he had to meet
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Ru.1:8-9
Naomi knew what to look for in a marriage
“Rest” = more than end of toil and trouble 3:1, security, blessing of the
Lord
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Pro.17:1
Strife should not be the normal atmosphere in marriage. Cf. 21:9
1 Sm.25:3, Nabal…harsh…evil 2, riches could not make up for his
wretched attitude 25, Abigail knew what he was
Many girls marry men like their fathers. This is why mothers cry at weddings
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Ec.9:9
Marriage is God’s gift that helps us to enjoy life
Happily ever after
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Jer.16:9
God’s judgment would remove greatest pleasures in life
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Ezk.24:16,18
“The desire of your eyes” Not newlyweds
21, grief without limits
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II Communication
Ja.1:19-20, proper communication Talking is easy Not always easy to say right
thing in right way Col.4:5-6
Many families shipwreck because husband and wife have not learned how to communicate
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Ephesians 5-6
Husband-wife, parent-child, employer-employee – proper order
Tragedy results when men reverse these priorities Some husbands put job ahead
of wife and family
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Ep.4:17-24
Put away OLD MAN (19-22) Put on NEW MAN (24) Meaning: we learn Christ (20)
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Even worldly people rejoice at weddings
Later, misery invades How to go so quickly from mountain
of joy to valley of sorrow/regret? Their approach to solving
problems: a battle to be won; even the winner loses
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1. Negative problem description
They begin with criticism / blame, fueled by anger Mk.3:1-5
2. Cross-complaining. Creates another problem; now fighting over the complaint and the original prob-lem – a two front war Confirm the complaint. Jg.8:1-3
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3. Interrupting
Never solved anything. Ac.22:22 Listen and summarize
4. Denying responsibility and/or making excuses If it’s always the other person’s
fault, search your heart Accept responsibility
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5. Exaggeration
“You never / you always…” causes anger; your mate can remember exceptions
Try to be accurate
6. Negative mind-reading Attributes false motives to a
mate Attribute positive motives
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7. Negative non-verbal communi-cation
Gestures, tone, volume, and expression
Communicate positive non-verbal signals (smile; gentle)
8. Negative retaliation “Same to you…” Instead, offer positive response.
“Let me think about it…”
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Ep.4:25 Stresses need for communication
in sound relationships Analysis of 100 ‘successful’ mar-
riages & 200 ‘problem’ marriages People with happy marriages
argue about the same things as people with unhappy marriages
The difference: how they handle disagreements
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Ep.4:26-27
Learn not to harbor ill feelings Anger is mishandled in two ways:
blowing up –or– clamming up Either is sin. The child of God
cannot lose his temper when things do not go his way, or hold grudges “Never go to bed mad…when you
can stay up and fight!”
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Watch Your Words Some say things they later regret
Love easily turns into hate, trust
into suspicion, tenderness into cold indifference
Husband points at wife, wife at husband, and both hit their target This never solved a problem
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Get The Point!
Point at the problem
How? First point at self This will produce agreement “Never remove the lid from
another’s trash can until you have cleaned out your own can first”
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Ephesians 4:29, speech
Includes whatever tears down or cuts up another Build up. Attack the problem,
not the person Col.3:19
Bitterness is opposite of love Some are polite in public . . .
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Ephesians 4:31-32
31, do not look for flaws and mistakes. Look for strengths Marriages fail when two people
are madly in love with self
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III Consideration
Ep.5:25 Few masters could say, “practice
my teaching, imitate my life” Jn.17:9, unique affection
Gn.29:…18, 20
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Ep.5:28
So (ESV: “In the same way”): following this example (25-27) Jew could divorce his wife for a
trivial cause or for no cause Pagan husband was even worse
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for (28b): self-evident Nourish, (= 6:4). Provide for Cherish, (= 1 Th.2:7). Care
for; show affection, tender love
Ep.5:29
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