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SPECIAL ISSUE:RECLAIMING PARENTHOOD

NOVEMBER 2013

Child-CenteredParenting

When GoodIntentions Go Wrong

UnderminingDevelopment

The Good News

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Education Feature:Waring School

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Letter from the Editor

North Shore Children & Families

A publication of North Shore Ink, LLC© 2013. All rights reserved.

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Suzanne M. ProvencherPublisher/Co-Founder/Managing Partner

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It’s Time to Reclaim Parenthoodby Michael F. Mascolo, Ph.D.

Over the past half-century or more, we have witnessed (a) increasing levels ofnarcissism, self-focus and self-entitlement among youth; a decreasing sense of(b) purpose and moral character; (c) increasing difficulties in coping andemotional regulation; and (d) poor academic work ethic and achievement.

During this same period, there have been changes in how we raise ourchildren. In particular, we have experienced a cultural shift from adult-centeredto child-centered approaches to raising children. Child-centered parenting isorganized around the interests and needs of the child. Child-centeredparenting evolved as well-intentioned attempts to foster the development ofautonomy, independence and creativity in children. It emerged as a reactionagainst what was perceived as the over-authoritarian nature of adult-centeredparenting.

The movement toward child-centered parenting has played a central role infostering the trends in child development to which I have alluded above.Child-centered parenting builds on the idea that children are active in theirown development. This is, in fact, true: Children do play an active role in theirown development. However, as psychologist William Damon has noted, whilethis is a truth, it is only a half-truth. The other half of the truth is that parents

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also play an active and indispensible role in fostering children’s development. Theerror of the child-centered movement is believing either the parent or the childis active, but not both at the same time. Given this way of thinking, it was easyto conclude that too much direction from parents could squelch a child’snatural initiative, creativity or autonomy.

But nothing can be further from the truth. Although children are active intheir own development, they also need guidance, direction and support fromactive parents. In an attempt to foster individual initiative, creativity and self-esteem, child-centered parenting fails to hold children to high standards ofmoral conduct, social responsiveness and academic motivation. In the absenceof consistently clear parental guidance and direction, we are producinggenerations of children that are less socially, morally and academically skilledthan their predecessors.

It is time to reclaim parenthood. Hundreds of studies in developmentalpsychology suggest that the key to optimal parenting lies in a combination ofboth high parental direction and loving support. This approach is calledauthoritative parenting, and stands in contrast with authoritarian or permissivestyles of parenting. Authoritative parents set high expectations and helpchildren live up to those standards; they enforce high moral standards withloving acceptance. They promote self-control with social responsiveness; theyteach children to make responsible choices within firmly established limits.

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Parenting

Child-Centered Parenting:When Good Intentions Go WrongThe child-centered approach to parenting was born of good intentions. It wasmeant to provide an alternative to the traditional adult-centered approach toparenting, which was considered to be overly authoritarian, and indeed oftenincluded physical punishment. In the adult-centered approach, parents take thelead in setting family rules, making family decisions and enforcing maturitydemands. While there are many forms of parent-centered child rearing, theyall embrace the idea that parents have legitimate authority over their children,and thus should guide and direct their children’s development. If they failed,their child would become “spoiled”, a term which our great grandparents mayhave meant quite literally.

Child-centered parenting emerged as a reaction against the adult-centeredapproach. Although it had its origins in the progressive parenting movementsof the 1920’s and 1930’s, it took hold with greater fervor after the 1960’s. Thechild-centered approach puts the child rather than the parent at the center ofdecision-making. From a child-centered perspective, children are not simplylumps of clay for parents to mold according to their wishes. Instead, childrenare active in their own development and learning. They are born ready toexplore the world and to learn through active discovery. It is the job of theparent to kindle rather than stifle a child’s self-directed curiosity. Too muchparental direction can squelch a child’s initiative and damage her confidenceand self-esteem. Borrowing a phrase from proponents of child-centerededucation, a good parent functions more like “a guide on the side” rather thanan all-knowing “sage on the stage”.

Child centered parents love their children and want to promote theirautonomy, individuality and creativity. Who could disagree with these values?The problem, however, is not that these are bad values; the problem is thatthey are one-sided values. In a well-meaning attempt to promote self-directedcooperative children, child-centered parenting fails to provide the verydirection that children need to develop these skills in the first place. The logicgoes like this:

• If we want self-directed children, we should let our children directthemselves. Too much direction will squelch a child’s inherent initiativeand creativity.

• If we want our children to be active learners, we encourage them toexplore the world and make their own discoveries. Too much directinstruction robs children of the opportunity to think deeply and maketheir own connections.

• If we want children to feel good about themselves, we should praisetheir initiative, effort and accomplishments. We should avoid criticalfeedback that can diminish a child’s confidence or self-esteem.

• If we want children to develop their own moral compass, we shouldencourage them to think for themselves about what makes somethingright or wrong. Different people have different beliefs about right andwrong. To take a hard stand on moral issues runs the risk of imposingmoral standards onto children, who must ultimately develop their ownthoughts about right and wrong.

The problem with this line of thinking is that children enter the world as

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incomplete beings. They are not little adults who can direct their own thinking,make responsible decisions or make complex connections for themselves. It istrue that children come into life with many surprising skills and abilities.However, children are nonetheless undeveloped beings; they need adults tohelp complete their development. They do not begin life as self-directed,empathic and moral beings; instead, they need parental direction and guidancein order to develop into self-directed, empathic and moral beings. Byencouraging parents to relinquish their authority in order to foster thedevelopment of children’s autonomy, the child-centered movement hasproduced large numbers of children who have failed to develop importantsocio-emotional, motivational, moral and academic skills.

How Child-Centered Parenting UnderminesDevelopment1. Little Monsters: Child-Centered Parenting Fosters Narcissistic

Entitlement over Responsiveness to Others

When we love someone, we wantto take care of that person, nurtureher and give her the best that wecan. We want our loved one tofeel good rather than bad. Wewant to give to our loved ones andprotect them from hardship andbad experiences.

A good parent, of course, loves hisor her children. Loving ourchildren, we experience all of thefeelings that typically occur whenwe love someone. We want totake care of our children, nurturethem and give them the best thatwe can. We want our children tobe happy. It is painful for us to seeour children suffer; we want torelieve their suffering and protect them from bad things and bad experiences.

Love is an essential part of parenting. One of the most important things wecan do for our children is to show them that we care – to show them that

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Child-Centered Parenting Undermines DevelopmentContinued from page 5

they are loved and are thus lovable. This unshakable sentiment is part of anyhealthy parent-child relationship.

However, although we love our children, as parents, we also have multipleresponsibilities to our children. Our primary job as parents is to prepare ourchildren to adapt to the challenges of life in both the present and the future.Teaching children to face life’s challenges involves preparing them to deal withconflict, hardship and struggle. It requires that we do what we believe is good forchildren, regardless of whether our children think or completely understandthat it is good. Although we do not like to see our children suffer, hardship isan inevitable part of life. It is essential to teach children to adapt to challenges.

Sometimes, parents express their love through a single-minded effort to maketheir children feel happy. Parents do this in many ways – by honoring theirrequests; being available when children call; managing everyday tasks so thatthey are not too onerous; allowing children to make choices about things thatare important to them; protecting them from strong negative emotions such asshame, guilt, embarrassment and so forth. Doing things that make our childrenhappy is a way of loving them. It makes parents feel good. We may even thinkthat it makes our children love us back.

The negative effects of indulgence: There is a word for the single-mindedattempt to make children feel happy: Indulgence. When we cater to a child’swhims, we teach the child that what he wants is more important that whatother people want. We teach the child that what he wants is more importantthan what we want! This produces children who are entitled and self-absorbed

(formerly called “brats”). A child who is indulged comes to think primarily ofhis own needs. This is because he has rarely been required to take the needsof others into consideration. As a result, an indulged child comes to think ofhimself as special and as entitled to have his needs met. He does not learn tobe responsive to the needs of others.

Changes in narcissism over the past 25 years are unprecedented and quitereal. According to psychologist Jean Twenge, over the past decades, youngpeople have become increasingly more self-absorbed, concerned with theirown desires and needs and more focused on their own rights and concerns.Between the years of 1980 and 2006, scores on the Narcissism PersonalityInventory have increased steadily among college students. This inventory allowsa researcher to estimate the extent to which people express behaviorsreflecting an attitude of authority, superiority, entitlement, vanity, exploitation,exhibitionism and self-sufficiency. In the span of a generation, something hashappened to alter the moral focus of young people.

We might think that “giving children what they want” will make them happy.When we imagine a loving relationship with our children, we may imagine astate of bliss. Out of love, we give to our children, including buying them thelatest electronics and clothes, and experience the pleasure of their happiness.We hope that they come to appreciate our giving and love us in return.However, that’s not what happens. More typically, indulgent parenting breedschaos. Children who are indulged develop a sense of entitlement. As a result,they place high demands on parents and express little gratitude. This puts theparent in a trap. Frustrated with their children’s ungrateful demands, parentsshift between indulging children further (giving children what they want inorder to placate them) or becoming angry and controlling (scolding theirchildren out of anger and frustration, perhaps even extracting a mumbled“Thank you” from the child). In this way, parents who indulge their childrenout of love produce the opposite of what they set out to accomplish.

Continued on page 8

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Parenting

2. Child-Centered Parenting Promotes Self-Interest over Moral Purpose

Americans have always had ambivalent feelings about authority. After all, theUnited States was founded on the principle of freedom from arbitrary authority.The founding fathers wanted to break free from what they took to be thearbitrary authority of the British Crown. American citizens are self-determiningindividuals with rights that cannot be violated either by government or by othercitizens. These rights to “life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness” are inscribedin the Declaration of Independence and continue to structure American life tothis very day.

Given their importance, it is not surprising that Americans would want topromote the values of personal autonomy, independence and self-determinationin their family lives. The child-centered approach to parenting reflects thesevalues. Parents who adopt a child-centered approach often view their childrenas individuals with rights that must be respected. These include the right toself-determination (autonomy), the right to make one’s own choices (“whenready”), as well as rights to privacy, property and so forth. In an attempt torespect the rights of individual children, child-centered parents tend to elevatechildren to the status of equals or near equals. Treating children more-or-lessas equals, however, comes at the expense of a parent’s authority. The idea thatchildren should have a say in choices that affect them puts limits on theauthority of a parent.

As a result, whenit comes to issuesof morality, child-centered parentscan become a bitsqueamish. Valuingthe autonomy ofindividuals, child-centered parentsare reluctant toimpose theirmoral values onothers. Whendealing withchildren, child-centered parents tend to believe that rather than imparting afixed system of morals onto the child, it is better to try to help childrendiscover their own sense of morality. In the spirit of self-determination,children should not be taught what to think; instead, parents should helpchildren learn how to think for themselves.

For many parents, teaching children how to think rather than what to thinkbecomes especially important within the global world. As technology makes iteasier and easier to communicate around the globe, it becomes increasingly

How Child-Centered Parenting Undermines Development continued

Continued on page 10

8 North Shore Children & Families Child-Centered Parenting Undermines DevelopmentContinued from page 7

clear that people differ in their viewsof right and wrong. What one persontakes to be “right” might be “wrong”from the perspective of another. Andso, for many parents, there is no single“correct” set of moral rules that canbe applied to everyone. This not onlytends to make parents pause beforeexpressing their moral values in public,it also makes parents reluctant tomake strong claims about right andwrong to their children. Behaviorsbecome “inappropriate” and “notokay” rather than “right” or “wrong”.Rather than imposing one’s moralityonto one’s children, child-centeredparents believe that they shouldsupport children in their attempts tofind their own ways.

The central need for parentalauthority: The problem with being a“guide on the side” when it comes tomoral development is that children aresimply not very good at creating moralsolutions to everyday problems. A 6-year-old who is in the throes of adispute with a sibling over a toy is notin a position to conjure up inventiveways of resolving her dispute. Even ifshe were, she would be poor atputting her solution into action.Besides, moral behavior is not somuch a matter of putting “rationalthinking” into action (e.g., “You takehalf and I’ll take half”) as it is a matterof experiencing moral feeling. Doingthe right thing often requirescultivating feelings of empathy,sympathy and compassion for others.Still further, avoiding doing the wrongthing is often a matter of experiencingdifficult emotions, including feelings ofguilt, shame, embarrassment and evenfear. These types of moral emotionsarise only when parents are active inenforcing moral standards. They arenot experiences that develop on theirown. Protecting children from suchfeelings is tantamount to invitingwrongdoing.

The idea that one should not imposeone’s moral beliefs onto others issomething that is most relevant tointeractions among adults. Adults areequals as they attempt to convinceeach other about the pros and cons ofany given moral issue. However, there

is danger in extending this line ofthinking to relations between parentsand children. Parents and children arenot equals. Parents have legitimateauthority over their children. Parentsgain their authority in at least twoways. First, parents tend to knowmore than their children and thus aremore competent than their children.Second, and more important, parentalauthority is legitimized by the factparents are responsible for their children’sdevelopment and well-being. Thus,parents not only have a right to exertauthority over their children, it is theirresponsibility to do so. To fail to do sois to fail to fulfill one’s responsibility asa parent.1

Without proactive guidance fromparents, child-centered attempts tofind self-direction in moral decision-making are likely to fail. Instead oflearning to be responsive to others,children are more likely to learn to acton the basis of self-interest –especially if parents fall into the trap ofmistaking indulgence for love.

The role of parents in promoting amoral sense of purpose: Parents arethe most important sources of theirchildren’s moral development. For thisreason, parents should not be afraid toarticulate their moral beliefs and holdchildren to high standards. This, ofcourse, raises the question of whatthose moral beliefs should be. Now,the moral values I have in mind arenot the controversial ones. They areof the All I Really Needed to Know ILearned in Kindergarten variety. Theyare the moral virtues that most of uswould have little problem agreeingupon.

Perhaps the most important gift wecan give our children is helping themto gain a sense of who they are andwho they want to be. This longdevelopmental process begins whenchildren are very young but does notcome to fruition until adolescence andyoung adulthood. A child’s sense ofpurpose comes from the thousands ofinteractions that she has with parents,teachers and peers, especially thosethat have a strong evaluative or moralaspect to them. Who am I? What

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Education Feature

Mel Brown is the Head of School atWaring School in Beverly, MA. He comesto this role from 300-year-old TrinitySchool in New York City where he held anumber of roles, most recently Director ofPerforming Arts. Mel holds a B.A. fromDuke University, M.Mus. from the JuilliardSchool, and M.A. from ColumbiaUniversity. To learn more about MelBrown and Waring School, please visitwww.waringschool.org.

How does Waring Schoolprepare students from grades6 to 12 for a happy, healthy,and successful future?

The short answer is that students aresuccessful if they are able to do whatthey enjoy doing. Therefore, happiness,health, and success are three sides ofthe same triangle. At Waring, studentsaren’t asked to make choices beforethey’re ready to do so; rather, they try

new things together and are made tofeel safe in their choices.

At Waring, Grades 6 and 7 arecombined in a program called COREdesigned to help students transitionfrom elementary school skills todiscover the competencies they willneed in the upper grades. Because astudent spends two years in CORE,that student can develop at his or herown pace.

In the upper grades at Waring (grades8-12), students continue the discoveryprocess as they take on morechallenging academics balanced withdeveloping their unique talents. Thisdiscovery process, which suffuses theentire program, makes learning excitingand enables young people tounderstand themselves better. TheWaring habit of self-examination andexploration ultimately leads them tofind situations that they enjoy and aresuccessful at as adults. Novelists,musicians, doctors, softwaredevelopers and even organic farmersmay be counted among Waring’salumni.

What aspects of WaringSchool are most notable toyou?

Waring is unusual in that it sets a highintellectual bar while allowing space forexperiences that ensure personalgrowth. Waring offers a highlydemanding college preparatoryprogram, yet Waring students alsoroutinely live with French families,perform major works of music andtheatre, win athletic championships,and share their personal dreamsaround the campfire. Academicprograms at every grade level offerstudent travel to enlarge the contextof their studies, and co-curricularopportunities to explore their talentsand passions.

Most strikingly, the school fosterslearning through multi-age groupingswherein older students model skillsand behaviors that they pass down to

An Interview with Waring School’s Melville S. Brownyounger students. Finally, I would addthat Waring inspires extraordinaryloyalty among its families and alumni,and I attribute this to the school’stremendous success in finding the rightbalance between educating forindividualism and social responsibility.

How does multi-age groupingwork at Waring School?

The two clearest examples are theTutorial and the Teaching Assistantprogram. A Waring Tutorial is a weeklyadvising group made up of students ofall grades with a faculty tutor. In aWaring Tutorial, a sixth grader and aneighth grader will become friends withjuniors and seniors, who in turn are bigbrothers and sisters to the youngerstudents. These relationships enablenew students to feel at home with theentire community and more willing toreach out to new experiences. AsTeaching Assistants, the older studentsalso have the option of instructingtheir peers under the guidance offaculty. Waring provides many places inthe curriculum for these leadershipopportunities, and the students raveabout the experience. In addition, manyclasses combine students in twogrades, forming an academic mini-cluster system within the larger school community.

The information contained in thiseducation feature was submitted byWaring School, and published inpartnership with North ShoreChildren & Families;www.northshorefamilies.com.

10 North Shore Children & Families

Child-Centered Parenting Undermines DevelopmentContinued from page 8

type of person do I want to be? Whattype of person should I become?

A child’s sense of purpose – his or heridentity – is a kind of stance. It is akind of position in relation to theworld. It says, “This is who I am; this iswhat I stand for”. As a kind of stance,a person’s identity or sense of purposeis something that is organized byvalues. Because parents are such animportant source of a child’s values,parents can play an indispensible rolein assisting a child in developing asense of purpose in life. As childrengrow older – and especially as theypass through adolescence – parentscan address such questions explicitly.Who do you want to become? Whatrole will school, family, social life,

sports, art and community play in yourlife? Who are your role models? Thatis, whom do you respect most in yourlife? Whom do you respect the least?What can you do to be more likethose who are worthy of admirationand respect?

Every child must eventually answerthese questions for him or herself.However, to say that children mustanswer these questions for themselvesdoes not mean that children mustanswer these questions by themselves.Children and adolescence need thebenefit of their parent’s values andbeliefs in their quest to create a senseof who they want to be. Parentalguidance is essential from preschoolthrough high school and beyond.

3. Look at ME, Daddy! Child-Centered Parenting Promotes Praise-Seeking Rather than Long-Term Self-Cultivation

American parents bestow a lot of praise on their children. We do so out ofthe mistaken belief that self-esteem is a prerequisite for success in any givenactivity. The theme song for Arthur the Aardvark states this quite succinctly:“Believe in yourself, cuz that’s the place to start!” Parents and educators havetaken this message to heart. If success starts with believing in ourselves, then itis necessary to praise children’s actions. Parents tell their children that theirdrawing is “wonderful” and “amazing” when they are really thinking that thedrawing could use a bit more color. Telling children how special and smartthey are will make them feel good about themselves, while a gentle critique oftheir projects could crush them. Abundant praise will give them “self-esteem”.Self-esteem makes children believe in themselves; believing that one can dosomething is a pre-requisite for trying hard and succeeding.

The problem with this view is that the relationship between success and self-esteem is almost exactly the opposite of the ideas expressed in this message.We don’t first gain self-esteem and then put our beliefs in ourselves into action;instead, we attain success in our actions and, in light of our success, we feel asense of self-esteem or confidence. Our belief that we are able to perform a task– and to perform it well – comes from the success that we are able to achieve at atask.

A few moments reflection reveals why this must be the case. Imagine that youknow nothing about how to fly an airplane. Let’s suppose that I asked you tofly an important person to the White House. You might say, “I can’t do that. Idon’t know how”. Now imagine further that I said, “Come on! Believe inyourself!” A person cannot simply believe his way into doing something thathe doesn’t know how to do. He needs to be shown how to do it.

This leads to a second point: We can’t build self-esteem on our own becausewe learn to be successful at novel activities by ourselves. Children need

2 In placing conditions on the legitimacy of parental authority, it follows that a parent’s authorityof his or her children would be de-legitimized if he or she were unable to fulfill his or herresponsibilities as a parent. Thus, if for some reason, the child’s knowledge or competence weresuperior to the adults (which often occurs, for example, when the discussion turns to electronicmedia), then the parent ceases to have authority over that particular aspect of life. Second, tothe extent that a parent fails to demonstrate the capacity to assume responsibility for a child’sdevelopment and well-being, the parent’s authority loses its moral basis.

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Continued on page 12

sensitive, nurturing and challenging adults to show them how to be successful,how to do the task right, how to manage their emotions when they fail andhow to continue to work hard to improve bit by bit. This also requires thatwe give children corrective feedback when we teach them how to dosomething. Children are resilient. A child’s self-esteem will not be damagedwhen we correct their actions. A child who feels supported and assisted enroute to mastering a difficult skill will not only come to feel empowered andconfident, she will also learn that the adults in her life are helpful rather thanharmful.

Promoting Life-Long Self-Cultivation: Our penchant for indiscriminantpraise has deeply unwanted consequences for children and adults alike.Psychologist Carol Dweck shows that praising children’s abilities andachievements tends to undermine rather than strengthen a child’s motivation tolearn. It does this by affecting how people think about the meaning of successand failure in their lives.

When we praise a child for his ability or achievement (e.g., “Good job, Todd!”;“What a smart girl, Liz!”), we teach children that their self-esteem depends ontheir ability on particular tasks: “Success at a task means that I have high ability,which makes me feel good about myself; failure means I have low ability, and Ifeel bad.” Dweck shows the importance of focusing not on ability, but insteadhow effort and perseverance produce gradual learning over time. Instead ofpraising children for being able to achieve a particular outcome (getting a hit inthis game), it is more important to focus on working hard and slowlycultivating new skills over time. Praising ability and task success underminesmotivation because it tells children that in order to feel good aboutthemselves, they must have high ability. Helping children focus on the slow,gradual development of new skills promotes motivation by linking the child’sself-concept to successive steps to mastery of a skill, regardless of ability.

People differ in how they think about success and failure. Some people hold

what Dweck calls a fixed mindset; others draw on a growth mindset. A personwho has a fixed mindset believes that his or her intelligence and abilities arefixed and unchangeable: a person is born with only a certain amount of ability,and there is not much one can do to change it. A person who holds a growthmindset thinks just the opposite. Our intelligence and abilities are not fixed;they are changeable through perseverance and hard work. The fixed mindsetdevelops when adults praise children for their ability or for their success inparticular tasks. Parents perpetuate a growth mindset when they focus moreon the importance of gradual learning over time, rather than attempting toshow high or low ability. These differences deeply affect how people learn.

Here’s how:

Imagine that Bob is playing baseball atschool. Imagine that he has a fixedmindset and believes that he has onlyso much baseball ability. If he does wellin the game, he is praised. If he doespoorly, he feels badly about his lowlevel of ability. If Bob feels that hisability is unchangeable, he is unlikely todevote the time and effort toimproving his game. Believing “I am badat baseball”, he will either avoid playing

altogether, or only play under less challenging circumstances where he knowshe can perform well. As a result, Bob never improves his baseball skill.

Miranda, however, does not believe that her abilities are fixed. Sheunderstands that if she works hard and perseveres, she cannot help but toimprove. Imagine that Miranda gets a hit. Rather than showing effusive praise,

12 North Shore Children & Families her coach says, “Nice swing.Now, if you hold the bat likethis, and keep your eye onthe ball, you’ll be able to hitit farther”. In this situation,Miranda is being taught thatwhile her success is good, itis not the most importantthing. What is moreimportant is to find ways toimprove one’s skill through

perseverance. The same logic applies if Miranda were to strike out each timeat bat. If she believed that her failure was the result of having poor ability, shemight feel shame. However, if she believes that success comes fromperseverance, she will link her failure to not yet having learned the skill. Thistype of thinking develops when adults focus on the importance ofperseverance rather than ability. Her coach might say, “You did well keepingyour eye on the ball. I’ve noticed you are holding the bat way down here andswinging too early. Practice like this and let’s see what happens”.

Bob and Miranda have different understanding of what it means to fail.Drawing on a fixed mindset, Bob thinks that failure means he lacks ability, andhe does not bother to try to change. Based on her growth mindset, Mirandainterprets failure as an indication that she needs more work in order tomaster her skill. Bob is focused on the praise and good feelings that comefrom showing others that he has some ability. As a result, Bob learns to avoidchallenging tasks – he might fail. Miranda is focused on what she has to doto learn a new skill, or to continue to improve. Miranda learns to embracechallenging tasks – she is sure to learn, and her confidence comes from herwillingness to work hard.

The Good NewsWe Already Know How toMeet these ChallengesParents who fear that the inculcation of moral values will rob children of thefreedom to choose their own beliefs are likely to produce children who lack amoral compass. Children of parents who express their love by indulging theirchildren’s wishes tend to become narcissistic and self-focused. Parents whoprotect their children from experiencing negative emotions tend to producechildren who are unable to cope with emotional stress. Adults who worrythat too much direction or critical feedback will squash their child’s creativityoften fail to provide the very direction that a child needs to develop thecreative skills the parent seeks to promote. Thus, while child-centeredparenting has noble origins, it breeds a suite of unanticipated consequences.

How can parents be both sensitive to a child’s emotional well-being, while atthe same time promoting the emotional regulation, moral development and asense of purpose and achievement? Although these two sets of goals mayseem to be opposing, in fact, they go together quite well.

The trick is to move beyond both child-centered and adult-centered ways ofthinking about parenting. We need a view – one that brings together centralinsights of traditional (adult-centered) and progressive (child-centered) modesof parenting while discarding unwanted elements from both. Happily, wealready know how to do this, and we’ve known it for a very long time. Decadesof research and hundreds of studies clearly document the importance of bothempathic sensitivity and active guidance in fostering the development ofresponsible, emotionally secure, socially skilled children.

North Shore Children & Families 13

In the 1960’s, Diana Baumrind identified three styles of parenting. Authoritarianparents maintain and enforce high maturity demands for their children, but areneither highly communicative nor empathically nurturing with their children.In contrast, permissive parents are highly communicative and nurturing withtheir children, yet do not attempt to direct their children in terms of highmaturity demands. (What I’ve called child-centered parenting shares much incommon with permissive or indulgent parenting.) Authoritative parents notonly hold and enforce high maturity demands for the children, but they arealso highly nurturing and communicative with their children. Children ofauthoritative parents proved to be more vital, socially responsible and self-directed than children of either authoritarian or permissive parents.

Authoritative parents provide children with both high levels of structureddirection and high levels of emotional support. There is no contradictionbetween these values. In fact, the combination of the two is a tried and trueformula for parenting success.

From Our North Shore Family to Yours,

North Shore Children & Families • www.northshorefamilies.com

We Wish YouHappy

Thanksgiving!

Community CalendarTo Submit to our Community Calendar:Please visit us at www.northshorefamilies.com and submit your listings directly through our website.From our Home Page – click on Calendar – then click on Submit and our form will open for you tocomplete and submit your listings.

While we will make every attempt to post all appropriate listings in our Community Calendar, space islimited – and priority will be given to those events that are free and family-friendly – and those submitted byour advertising partners & sponsors.

Calendar listings are generally due by the 15th of each month prior and must besubmitted through our website. If you need to guarantee that your listing will be posted – pleasecontact Suzanne to advertise. See our current Calendar for our upcoming issue deadlines.

To advertise, please contact Suzanne at suzanne@northshorefamilies.com or 781.584.4569.

14 North Shore Children & Families

For complete listing accuracy, werecommend that you call ahead or checkthe websites listed. Featured listings do notconstitute an endorsement from thisPublisher and we encourage our readers toalways do their own research.FREE TRIAL CLASS:Try a free trial class at SoccerTots(Danvers & Beverly)! For kids 18 mos. – 6years old. See ad on page 5 & save $10!www.aztectots.comGET TICKETS NOW:Boston Ballet presents, The Nutcracker,Nov. 29-Dec. 29, at The Boston OperaHouse. See ad on page 5!www.bostonballet.orgBill Hanney presents North Shore MusicTheatre, Beverly; tickets on sale now for:

Miss Saigon (Nov. 5-17); A Christmas Carol(Dec. 6-22). See ad on page 8! www.nsmt.orgA Christmas Story, The Musical – at CitiPerforming Arts Center, Boston; Nov. 20-Dec.8. Celebrate the holidays – fun for the wholefamily! $125-$45/ticket at www.citicenter.org.See ad on back cover!NOVEMBER 1 – 30:Story Writing Contest, at Hamilton-Wenham Library, So. Hamilton; open tochildren in grades 1-6. For more info. & contestrules, stop by the Children’s Room or visithttp://hwkidsroom.blogspot.com.NOVEMBER 2:Sustainability Fair at Brookwood School,Manchester – Gardens: Habitats AroundUs, 10am-2pm; free, all are welcome. Thiseducational marketplace features local farms,

small-batch food purveyors, sustainable crafts,science, technology innovations, studentdisplays & our Sustainable Cafe.www.brookwood.eduAnnual Yard Sale at Lincoln Akerman SchoolGymnasium, Exeter Rd., Hampton Falls, NH,8am-12:30pm. Proceeds benefit LAS students.NOVEMBER 3:Daylight Saving Time Ends (fall back, spring ahead!)Fall Open House at Austin PreparatorySchool, Reading, 11am-2pm.See ad on page 3! www.austinprepschool.orgNOVEMBER 5:Grades Tour at Cape Ann WaldorfSchool, Beverly, 8:15-10:15am. For adults,RSVP to 978.927.1936. See ad on page 14!www.capeannwaldorf.orgNOVEMBER 6:Remembering Madison, the Best Doot-DoBoy Ever (1996-2012)52 Weeks of Parenting Wisdom, 7pm, freeat Cohen Hillel Academy, Marblehead. RSVP:781.639.2880 or diane@cohenhillel.org.NOVEMBER 7:Open School at Harborlight-StoneridgeMontessori School, Beverly; 9-10:30amand 7-8:30pm. See ad on page 6!www.h-sms.orgNOVEMBER 10:Deadline to “Like” our Facebook page toenter our Halloween Costume Contest atwww.facebook.com/NorthShoreFamilies- see more info. & prizes on page 15!NOVEMBER 11:Veterans’ Day

NOVEMBER 13 (NOON):AD DEADLINE: If you need to advertisein our 2-month WINTER issue (whichcovers Dec. AND Jan.!), and if you need ourad production assistance, please confirmyour ad size and submit your admaterials by NOON TODAY! You can seeour display ad rates, sizes, available discounts &more at www.northshorefamilies.com orcontact suzanne@northshorefamilies.com.NOVEMBER 13:What Is A 21st Century Education? Findout at Shore Country Day School,Beverly, 8:30-9:30am. See ad on page 4!www.discovershore.orgOpen House at Tower School,Marblehead; 6:30-8pm. See ad on page 13!www.towerschool.orgNOVEMBER 14:Deadline to Register for Fall EntranceExam at Austin Preparatory School,Reading. Exam is 11/16, 8:30am. See ad on page 3! www.austinprepschool.orgOpen House at Tower School,Marblehead; 9-11am. See ad on page 13!www.towerschool.orgNOVEMBER 15 (NOON):AD DEADLINE: FINAL Advertising SpaceReservation DEADLINE at NOON forALL COMPLETED ADS (that do NOTrequire ad production assistance) in our2-month WINTER issue, which covers Dec.AND Jan.!To advertise, contactsuzanne@northshorefamilies.com! If youneed our ad production assistance, pleaseconfirm your ad size and submit your admaterials by noon, Wed., Nov. 13!

GRADES TOUR

Tues., Nov. 58:15-10:15am

• Classical education honors theindividual at each developmentalstage

• Art, movement, and music integratedthroughout curriculum

• Rigorous academics cultivatefreedom to think and act in achanging world

North Shore Children & Families 15You can see our regular display ad rates, sizes,available discounts & more atwww.northshorefamilies.com.NOVEMBER 16:Holiday Craft Market, 10am-3pm,Centerville Elementary School, 17 Hull St.,Beverly. www.holidaycraftmarket.comNOVEMBER 17:DEADLINE to Enter for a Chance to Win2 tickets to Boston Ballet’s, The Nutcracker!See page 3!Admission Open House, 1-3pm, at The Pike School, Andover.See ad on page 11! www.pikeschool.orgGordon College Dept. of Music presentsCommunity of Song, an intergenerationalchoir concert for the community, 3-4:15pm;free for all ages. At A.J. Gordon MemorialChapel, Wenham. See ad on page 12!www.gordon.edu/musicNOVEMBER 19 (NOON):Community Calendar listings’DEADLINE at NOON for our 2-monthWINTER issue, which covers Dec. AND Jan.!Please submit your listings for DECEMBERAND JANUARY events directly through ourwebsite (see beg. of this Calendar fordetails).NOVEMBER 19:Open House at Brookwood School,Manchester, 6:30pm. See ad on page 7!www.brookwood.eduOpen House at The Village School,Boxford, 9:30-11:30am. See ad on page 15!www.myvillageschool.comNOVEMBER 21:Open House at Glen Urquhart School,Beverly. See ad on page 10! www.gus.org

NOVEMBER 23:Holiday Fair at Cape Ann WaldorfSchool, Beverly, 9am-4pm. Featureshandmade crafts, toys, unique items fromartisans, books, educational materials, bakery &café, entertainment and activities for the entirefamily. www.capeannwaldorf.orgNOVEMBER 24:Open House at Glen Urquhart School,Beverly. See ad on page 10! www.gus.orgNOVEMBER 27:Chanukah begins at sundown; ends 12/5.NOVEMBER 28:Happy Thanksgiving!NOVEMBER 29:6th Annual Gabe’s Run, for ages 5-adults;proceeds benefit the Gabriel Pacione MemorialScholarships. For schedule, costs & to register:www.gabesrun.org/raceDECEMBER 1:Newburyport’s Santa Parade & TreeLighting, 3:30-5pm, 1 Market Square; free fun for all ages.DECEMBER 5:Open House at Brookwood School,Manchester, 8:45am. See ad on page 7!www.brookwood.eduDECEMBER 7:Marché de Noël, Holiday Shopping with aFrench Flair, 10am-4pm at WaringSchool, Beverly. See ad on page 13!www.waringschool.org/marcheInformational Gathering at DevereuxSchool, Marblehead, 10am.See ad on page 14! www.devereuxschool.org

Halloween Costume Contest!

“Like” our Facebook pageand post your Halloween costume photos by Nov. 10

at www.facebook.com/NorthShoreFamilies!We will select one adult winner (share a photo of yourself, your child or your pet

in costume!) and one child winner (in costume) – and publish our top 3 photos in each category in a future issue and/or on our website, www.northshorefamilies.com!

Adult Prize: 2 tickets to Boston Ballet’s, The NutcrackerChild Prize: 2 tickets to A Christmas Story – The Musical

All prizes are awarded courtesy of North Shore Children & Families, and in partnership with select sponsors. Your Facebook post/entry gives NSC&F permission to use your photo

or your child’s or pet’s photo, first name and city/town in a future issue. You must be 18 years of age to enter, or post with your parent’s permission.

POST YOUR HALLOWEEN COSTUME PHOTOS ON OUR FACEBOOK PAGE AND “LIKE” IT BY NOV. 10

FOR A CHANCE TO WIN GREAT PRIZES!

North Shore Children & Familiesinvites you to enter

our Facebook Contest:

PICKME!

Preschool and Kindergarten

Open HousesNovember 19th, January 13th, March 20th

9:30-11:30173 Washington Street, Boxford, MA

myvillageschool@gmail.com 978-352-7294www.myvillageschool.com