October 2015

October - Month of Fear

and Excitement

Inspirational Quote:

HAPPILY E ER AFTER Helping Couples Keep The Love Alive

“All I really need is love, but a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt!”

October – Month of Fear and Excitement 1 Paula Porizkova and Ric Ocasek 2 Dr. Dana Answers Your Questions 3 October is Positive Awareness Month 4 The World Series is in October 6 Quotes on Trick or Treating 6 Ongoing Series: Communication – Part 3: Benefit of the Doubt 7 The Jodie and Sara Corner 8

In this issue

Don’t Miss This Month’s Call:

October 20, 1:30 p.m. Pacific, 4:30 p.m. Eastern

Dial: (206) 402-0100 Code: 111000#

Halloween is the perfect opportunity for you and your mate to add a little excitement and verve to a relationship that may have started to become a

tad bit predictable and stale.

anticipation, and probably some stomach butterflies - but why do we embrace one and avoid the other at all costs?

Both are simply ways for us to deal with uncertainty, and with the right mindset, we can turn some of our fear-inducing experiences into blissful

(continues on pg. 5)

Fear and excitement are two terms we give to one very similar emotion. When we expect a negative outcome, we often call the emotion fear, and when we expect a positive outcome, we call it excitement. Both are marked with an “electric” feeling, a sense of

excitement. Of course, some truly dangerous situations are perfectly deserving of our fear, but most of the time, our fears are dominated by emotion, not logical thinking. There’s really no reason to be afraid of flying or riding rollercoasters – there is some danger involved, yes, but the statistics are certainly in your favor for getting through either experience unscathed. Other common fears, like those associated with social situations, new experiences, certain animals, heights, etc., are all relatively easy to conquer with this rational approach (though it’s certainly easier to talk about than do). But the point here isn’t to talk about getting over your fears – it’s to help you understand how fear and excitement can improve your marriage.

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October 2015

Even if you aren’t immediately familiar with the names of this celebrity couple, you’ve likely experienced their work. Paulina was one of the most in-demand supermodels of the 80s and 90s, most notably as the international face of Estée Lauder. Her husband Ric is the lead singer of the legendary 80s band the Cars.

The two have been married for more than 30 years, and despite fulfilling the stereotype for a problematic couple (a model and a rock star), they’ve made their marriage work through ups and downs, media attention, evolving careers, and raising two kids.

How did they do it?

They put in the work!

In a recent interview with Bobbi Brown, Paulina said, “It's always challenging with two people with separate careers. I know models and rock stars have a rep. It's hard when you spend a lot of time apart. Sometimes you risk growing apart. I've seen that a lot of times…”

Ingredients: • 1 pack instant yeast • 1 cup unsweetened almond milk • ½ cup butter, divided • ¼ tsp. salt • 3 cups all-purpose flour • ½ tsp. cinnamon • ¼ cup and 1 tbs. sugar

Directions:

But despite the challenges and demands of their careers, they see each other as “the right one” for them, and are willing to put in as much effort as it takes to keep their relationship strong and happy. Paulina also told Yahoo! Beauty that she felt “lucky to find the right person,” and that they had “the brains to know it’s the right person, and to work on it and not let it fall apart when things aren’t easy.”

As Paulina would tell it, there are no secrets, no magic techniques that allowed them to beat the odds and stay together for three decades of busy schedules and separate, bustling careers. There are no catch-all solutions, just hard work and making the marriage a priority, even when there are so many other things going on.

Making a point to stay in touch, even if you have to be far apart, goes a long way for couples that don’t get to spend a ton of time together. Even if

Former supermodel Paula Porizkova and The Cars front man Ric Ocasek together have weathered the storm of international stardom for over 30 years.

(continues on pg. 5)

Courtesy of

(continues on pg. 5)

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October 2015

Dr. Dana Answers Your Questions

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Question: Every time my husband and I try to talk about something, it always turns into a fight. He gets mean, then I get meaner and it inevitably gets ugly. How do we work things out without fighting? -- Julie

Answer: Dear Julie, I’m glad to hear that you’re looking for a way to stop fighting because ongoing battles can break down the bonds of your relationship. My advice for you is twofold. First and foremost, don’t fight! It takes two people to have a fight. If you simply choose to stay out of the ring, the verbal boxing match cannot happen. Secondly, most people resort to fighting because they don’t know how to effectively communicate. Both you and your husband must learn the most basic and vital communication skills like the rules of engagement, using “I” statements, and listening effectively. These are covered in the Understanding Each Other and Resolving Conflict sections of the StrongMarriageNow System. Finally let me remind you that any new skill takes practice. Offer patience and understanding as you both learn to stop

fighting and effectively communicate.

Question: My wife and I have a great relationship. The only thing we seem to struggle with is about our kids. She has two from a previous marriage. I have one from a

previous marriage and we have one together. Strangely, we do not seem to fight over our mutual child, but are constantly bickering about how she parents her two daughters. Can you help us all get along? -- Nathan

Answer: Dear Nathan, Blended families are difficult. They require a thorough understanding of the dynamics involved, constant communication, and above all else, a lot of patience. Not knowing the specifics involved in your parenting differences, I can only speak generally about the most common blended family issue: a disagreement about who is responsible for parenting whom.

In general, the guideline I recommend is that the new spouse should wait to become an equal parenting figure until half as many years have passed as the age of the child (i.e. if you got married when her daughter was eight years old, she will not and should not see you as an equal parenting figure until she’s twelve.)

In the meantime, the new parent should act like a babysitter. For example, you would say something like, “It is time for you to go to bed because your mother wants you to be in bed at 8:30” or she might say to your child “No honey, you can’t have a soda, ‘cause your dad doesn’t like you to have them after six o’clock.”

This can be a difficult role for a new parent to adopt as they see many opportunities to parent their spouse’s children. However, starting this process too soon will only lead to resentment on the child’s part and protectiveness on the part of the biological parent. This is not to say however, that parenting issues should not be discussed. If you have an opinion about bedtimes, sodas or more, feel free to privately discuss this with your spouse and, hopefully, get on the same page about your joint family rules.

Help us stop fighting about the kids!

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October 2015

work for them.

And this isn’t just touchy-feely hippie stuff, there’s plenty of real science to back up the impact that positive thinking has on mental health, energy levels, motivation, and so on. In terms of your marriage, positivity means that you’ll give your spouse the benefit of the doubt if they make a mistake, instead of assuming that their intentions are malicious. It means that when you face a challenge, you won’t just throw your hands up in defeat, but instead you’ll have the confidence to pursue a

solution – and the perseverance to see it through.

Positivity also helps you maintain a general level of happiness, and that, in turn, will make your marriage happier too!

You are 100% responsible for your own mood, and that means that you ultimately create your own happiness.

This month is Positive Awareness Month, and it’s all about recognizing the control you have over your own thoughts – and how a positive outlook can make a HUGE difference in your life.

This doesn’t necessarily mean have to be all sunshine and roses all the time, or that you have to put on a fake smile (though the data suggests that the act of smiling WILL make your happiness increase) – instead it means actively looking for the good in things, not letting yourself get overwhelmed with negativity, and above all, maintaining that things CAN improve if you

(continues on pg. 6)

The Major League Baseball World Series starts this year on October 27, and even if you’re not a sports fan, this major event can – perhaps to your surprise – have a positive impact on your marriage.

How?

It’s as simple as having a reason to spend some quality time together!

With an event of this magnitude, people are going to be watching and talking about it in all kinds of places – your workplace, your social places, at the store, wherever – and part of

You control your own thoughts, so it’s up to you and your partner to foster the kinds of thinking that will nourish your relationship instead of undermining

that just has to do with its cultural significance. It’s among the most watched and most anticipated events of each year.

With all of that excitement surrounding the World Series, sports fans and non-fans can come together simply for the spectacle (though an interest in baseball won’t hurt). It’s a reason to spend some time on the couch together, to snuggle up, eat some snacks, and spend some time chatting…

You can each pick a team to root for,

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October 2015

Rock Star and Supermodel find a way to make it work

(continued from pg. 2)

(continued from pg. 1)

October – Month of Fear and Excitement

Facing your fears is a huge accomplishment, and when you face them, your interpretation of the scenario changes to excitement! These feelings of excitement and accomplishment not only pump your brain full of happy chemicals, they also prime you for building a connection with people who are sharing in your experience, namely your spouse.

Making it through a harrowing adventure will bring you closer together. Making the choice to face something you’re afraid of (with your spouse close at hand for support) will make you feel invincible as a pair, able to face nearly any challenge as long as you’ve got each other for support. Seeking excitement is also a great way to build your story together. In the wake of an exciting experience, you have a new memory to share with friends and family, and the improved strength of your connection to one another will remain long after the excitement has faded. Sometimes the experiences we fear are opportunities for excitement in disguise, and perhaps understanding the value of sharing these experiences with our spouses will help motivate us to face theses uncertain situations with confidence. In helping each other transform fear to excitement, couples show each other a deep level of support, and ultimately strengthen the relationship emotionally and psychologically.

we’re not traveling the world like Paulina and Ric, we can still recognize the value of calling your spouse over the course of the workday, sending little text messages to check in or say hi, to greet each other when you get home, and so on… For couples who can’t always be in the same place, spending time together is a luxury – but many of us just take it for granted, and instead of not spending time with our spouses because they’re on the other side of the world, we don’t spend time together even if they’re in the next room.

We have to work at it. We have to make a point to connect and stay connected. If a rock star and a supermodel can stay married for 30 years and keep going strong, each and every one of us can put in the work to keep our relationships healthy, happy, and better every day.

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October 2015

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Positive Awareness Month

(continued from pg. 4) It all comes down to what you choose to focus on. You can let yourself obsess about the problems in your life, or you can be actively grateful for the things that are going well. You can nitpick your spouse’s flaws, or you can embrace their best qualities. You can sulk or live in anger, or you can take control of your own mood and outlook, and spend your energy looking for the good in every situation.

This October (and every month after), try some positive thinking on for size. You might be amazed at how many areas of your life it affects – especially your marriage!

make friendly wagers on each game (or even each inning), or come up with plenty of other ways to add some excitement for just the two of you.

Even if you don’t really care who wins or loses, you can still appreciate the dedication these athletes display, and admire all the hard work they’ve done to make it to this point. Draw some inspiration from these world-renowned players, enjoy the entertainment, and above all else, enjoy the time you’ve dedicated to just hanging out with your spouse!

Any reason to spend time together is worth it, and will help bring the two of you closer together.

World Series Starts Oct. 27 (continued from pg. 4)

Cinnamon Roll Recipe (continued from pg. 2)

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October 2015

Ongoing Series: Communication As we continue this series on effective communication, it’s important to remember that all of these techniques and components of communicating with your spouse take time to master, especially if you have to break your bad habits first.

Last month, we talked about the importance of humor and light-hearted communication with your spouse. This month’s topic is quite different, and will help you maintain meaningful and productive communication even when things aren’t their best. This month, we tackle one of the most important parts of resolving any conflict: giving your spouse the benefit of the doubt. Part 3: Benefit of The Doubt At one point or another, your spouse is going to do or say something that upsets you. This is an almost inevitable part of spending significant amounts of time with any other person – you aren’t always going to agree on everything, and frankly, people are moody! When the attitudes or actions of your spouse get under your skin, before you get mad at them, it’s important to stop yourself and give them the benefit of the doubt. Is it likely that your spouse is upsetting you on purpose, or are there other factors contributing to their mood, their actions, their tone of voice?

In most cases, it’s safe to assume that a spouse is not intentionally causing irritation.

When we give them the benefit of the doubt, it means that we’re willing to suspend our own knee-jerk

reactions to consider what may be influencing our spouse’s negative mood or behavior. It could be anything from stress at work to a short night’s sleep, difficulty changing plans or an aversion to a particular topic of discussion – there are plenty of reasons

that someone may be terse, uncommunicative, or just flat out rude. We shouldn’t immediately take this as a personal slight, because there may a host of other factors at work.

In fact, if we take the mood or body language of our husband or wife personally, we are being influenced in the same way they are (just by a different factor).

Giving a spouse the benefit of the

doubt not only helps us gain some insight about a given confrontation - it also allows us to be sympathetic to the concerns of the person we love.

Instead of getting angry, we may be able to help them alleviate some of the things that are bothering them and move forward with the issue at hand. It’s mostly a matter of perspective, being able to stop your own immediate emotional reaction to recognize the real-time reactions of others.

If both of you can employ this in your communication with one another, you can stop taking each other’s emotional states so personally, and move forward with healthy, productive communication.

Next time, we’ll address another critical component of effective communication, truly listening to what your spouse has to say.

Assuming you always know the intentions behind your spouse’s behavior can lead you to jump the gun. Sometimes it is a good idea to give him or her the benefit of

the doubt before rushing to false conclusions.

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October 2015

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The Jodie and Sara Corner!

Celebrating Friends

Kevin, Amy, Dr. Dana and Ossie Celebrating With Friends

We’re listening to Jodie (Amy’s Goldendoodle) as she chats with Sara (Dr. Dana’s lab/pit mix) about her Halloween plans…

Sara: Whatcha doin’?

Jodie: I’m practicing my scariest bark!

Sara: What for?

Jodie: Well, tonight, lots of scary creatures will be trying to attack my house! It bothers my mom so much, she gives them candy to go away so I plan to BARK all night long!

Sara: That’s a great plan. My house always gets attacked on this night too.

Jodie: Last year my Dad was so happy that I barked all night, he let me stay up in their room with the door locked.

Sara: Did you sneak up on the bed?

Jodie: Of course!

Sara: I’m liking this plan more and more!

Jodie: Right?! Our moms are so lucky to have us.

Sara, Jodie: Bark, bark, bark, bark, bark!!!