Oh Henry

Contents

Editorial. 1

Club members. 2

(Henry Patton)

ACC adventures. 4

(Tim Wiffen)

Oli’s word search. 4

Josh’s page of wonderment. 5

Dear Stu, non resident agony uncle. 6

Ode to the log book. 6

(Rich Ll Smith)

Dear Uncle Stu, pt. 2. 7

Log book quotes pt. 1. 7

(compiled by Henry Patton)

Rescues– a spotters guide. 8

(Xian Stannard)

More Dear Uncle Stu. 9

Caption Competition. 11

(Henry Patton)

Log book quotes pt. 2. 11

Buddy can you spare a pint? 12

(Alex Jones)

Stops vs Go’s, a proper caving article. 12

(Chris Belton)

More Stu. 12

Log book quotes pt. 3. 13

Mendip– what's the point? 13

(Chris Belton)

A cavers dictionary. 14

(Olivia Dawson)

Trip reports. 15

(Toby Collins, and from the log book,

compiled by Olivia Dawson.)

Caving games. 16

(Frances Pope)

Chris’ ‘poetry’ corner. 16

Editorial note.

I’d like to reiterate that ‘Oh Henry’ welcomes articles in welsh and English, and especially to thank Henry for his many contributions and Fran and Chris for sub-editing. Other than that i feel I've done enough work for one issue and will leave the editorial to my illustrious predecessors.

‘May I thank all the people who have kindly contributed to this edition and hope that in time more members will unleash their own ideas through this medium (Simmons, Thrutch, Xmas

‘79).’

‘If enough material is forthcoming 2 issues of Thrutch can be produced per term, but it depends

on you. Anyone interested in taking over as editor next year please see me (Colin, Thrutch,

Winter 1980).’

‘Well, here it is at last, the summer special edition of Thrutch and our Thrutch No. 4, defying all

those pessimists who said it would never happen... Anyway, keep those articles coming in for

the inevitable Thrutch No. 5. (Lil, Thrutch, Summer 1980).’

‘It is sad to note articles come from only a small proportion of the club (Prothero-Jones, Thrutch, summer ‘82).’

‘If you don’t like what’s been written about you, you could go off and cry in the toilets. Alterna-

tively you could get even in the next issue (Critchlow-Watton, Eugene, summer ‘96). 1

Your guide to the Aberystwyth Caving Club.

Tim Wiffen: President

Adept at surviving long periods of time in dark wet pots, possibly due to its strong diet of Strong-

bow, Gaymers and Westons. Just make life easy for everyone in the club and do what the grumpy

bastard says.

Frances Pope: Secretary

Religious people beware: her highly logical mind will convince you to renounce your faith. Saying

that, she blatantly doesn’t know how to use a watch. Resident expert on how conversations

work...apparently you need two or more people talking about the same thing.

Carly Raines: Treasurer

Possible seagull in disguise, originating from the landfill called Wigan. Mixed with alcohol it will

perform a rather strange acrobatic routine around the streets of Aber - a possible mating ritual per-

haps? Potential spy of the climbing club, and sworn enemy of the Lobby Gobblers (don’t ask - it’s

a northern thing).

Olivia Dawson: Tackle Wanker

A very loud member of the club, second only to Toby when sober. If caught in close proximity it

can be distracted away with a pretty hat, shiny tackle or alcohol - preferably Sam Smiths.

Alex Jones: Social Sec

A very social species, owing to the fact it never sleeps. Will often be found in the public houses of

Aber spewing forth his dodgy political views. Collects assorted flags. A fan of heights...honestly,

take him to tall buildings, cliffs, trees with SRT rope, the sea wall...he'll love it! Probably has the

best cleavage of any club member.

Henry Patton: Webmaster

Collects emergency services. With the lifeboat still to go, avoid swimming in the sea with him.

Emigrated from RUCC in search of more liberal views on facial hair. Holds an uncanny ability in

being able to attract large quantities of water down streamways which he's caving through.

Toby Collins

Rarely found down a cave as most likely lost and ended up in the wrong county. It's surprising he

manages to find the pub every week really.

Tom Bowen

Third member of the 'Three T-us' species. Follows a regular migration pattern back to the heart of

T-land for the baked potato harvest.

Josh Lasson

Early member of the club, prone to lapses in safety. Rumours of a Polish descent. Hobbies include

arguing, dismantling stuff, arguing some more, and raiding bins for food.

Chris Belton

Club deviant. Females should approach with caution, especially those of larger proportions. Also,

don't let him near a sandbox (see logbook). Can be spotted round Aber driving his girly coloured

car. Also offers insightful relationship advice.

Jason Martin

A quieter species. Never been the same since the adventure down Simpson's Pot.

Alison Ball

Shares its habitat with the Jasonus Martinus. Proprietor of useful skills such as how to grow a

vegetable patch in a welly, or how to fashion a table out of celery sticks. Growing old before her

time, she may be in bed before socials even start watching recordings of Grand Designs.

Matilda Poole

Relatively new member of the club. Suffers severe reactions to alcohol. If found drunk, find a

bucket immediately and vacate to the toilets.

Xian Stannard

Another climber, though we don't hold that against him. Known as the Club’s ‘canary’ – good per-

son to have in your party if heading down Cuckoo Cleaves.

Old gits who won't leave us alone (we love you really!)

Barry Lawton

Unhealthy obsession with Swildon's Hole (is there something we're missing down there?). If you

ever need to know how a diesel engine works, then look no further. Make him cups of tea and he’ll

be your friend for life.

Rich Smith

The bizarre lovechild between an HGV and a Nazi. Perhaps the only member to be able to pro-

nounce Llygad Llwchwr. With a memory like a sieve, don’t ask him for directions down a cave as

you’ll most likely be sent the opposite way into a tight rift which dead ends. Warning: very loud

snorer.

Ruth Allan

Most commonly found on Mendip, usually trying to avoid doing any caving. Up for a good rescue

though. Doesn’t mix well with aeroplanes and alcohol.

Nathan Critchlow-Watton

Perhaps the oldest of graduates to still occasionally cave with the ACC. Known for his affection-

ate, friendly humour, and meek, reticent nature, he would never consider such rash actions as

throwing stones at nervous freshers or hurling insensitive, random abuse. 3

ACC ADVENTURES.

30th May 2009,

Tim, Toby, Henry and Alex set out on a day of drinking and relaxing in the sun with a while spent

listening to music at Castell Rock. Maybe it was the several pints already consumed or the heat

making Alex's hands perspire, but he managed to completely shatter a pint glass by dropping it

from a height of around 5cm (no joke); once again making himself the centre of embarrassment. In

my opinion he suffers from a 'Final Destination' embarrassment syndrome, even if he manages to

avoid it, he knows it's gonna get him eventually.

Tim Wiffen (President, 09).

OIi’s word-search.

Can you spot the message (clues

can be diagonal as well as up

and down)?

A T M P Y R Z I I

E H I L T X Y Z O

F J P J W B B Y F

Y D O B G J I E A

W B J A J V J S B

T J B A T S R D J

U I W X M X Q L L

J K Q J B B X K O

D W T U A U N M E

Editors note * I do not understand this word search. I think it is a joke. I am certain I am the butt of it. I take no

responsibility for the quality of either the word-search or the joke. 4

5

Uncle Stu, our (non) resident Agony Uncle replies to your queries and concerns. I bet you’re picturing an avuncular, jolly sort of person. Stu, that’s a jolly name, isn’t it? Conjures

up images of Werther’s originals and hours spent playing with his train set.

But he’s not that sort of uncle. More the sort your Mother brought back from the pub. on a Friday,

you’d hear their bestial grunts and snuffles and hug your little sister tight to you, hoping not to see

him silhouetted in the doorway, smelling of stale beer, cheap cigarettes and your mother, all over-

shadowed by his ammoniacal reek.

He’s that sort of Uncle. (His views are in no way those of ACC, who are respectful, mutually supportive, and inclusive. We take no responsi-

bility for them—ED.) Dear Uncle Stu,

I keep getting these terrible headaches, and continual earache. Could I have caught something

from being fisted by young men in the toilets? Uncle Stu replies,

Dear Jason,

Those are both symptoms of the condition sub-digitalis; stand up to Alison once in a while and it

might clear up. Or dump her. Actually, just dump her, ideally in a slurry lagoon. Dear Uncle Stu,

I’m the President of ACC, and as such a heavy responsibility falls on my weasely shoulders. I’ve

had a bit of bad luck with rescues recently, can you help me improve my technique?

Uncle Stu replies,

Tim, you’re a humourless cretin with no discernable abilities. Is your Dad proud of you? How

can he be; you’re worse at caving than a penguin with muscular dystrophy. Generations of ACC

presidents will hunt you down and kill you like the shameful dog you are.

Dear Ms. Editor, please accept my humble submission for your esteemed organ (if you haven't finished playing

with it yet). Yrs, etc.

Rich Llewellyn Smith

Some journals contain lots of notes

Learned science and trip reports

But the Log Book is a different stoat

Full of abuse, obscene retorts

Dirty rhymes and pubic hair

Trip reports are fairly rare

But ‘05's has girly underwear Every year it begins the same

Fresher write-ups long and boring

By month two a different game

Long analyses of whoring

Its manky pages stuck together

Bodily fluids from whoever

It smells a bit like beery leather

Oh yes, you're free to self-express

Descriptions of your dodgy rash

Or prose completed with finesse

Or drawn cartoons of Miss Whiplash

Just one curb upon your pen:

Men draw those of men

and only women those of women ...and (or else castration by crochet hook)

there is NO CENSORING of the LOG

BOOK

Ode to the Log Book.

6

More Uncle Stu.

Dear Uncle Stu,

I’m deeply loved by a pillock; he’s very nice, but rather cloying. How can I let him down gently

– I feel responsible for him, but he just doesn’t do anything for me.

Uncle Stu replies,

Dear Liv,

It’s so touching to be on the receiving end of first love. Can you feel Chris’ trust and adoration?

Imagine Chris has given his heart to you; you cushion it in your hand and feel it beat lightly

against your palms, it pulses with his deep devotion. It’s like a baby bird, fluttering gently

against you. Close your hand. Crush it to a bloody pulp. You’ll be responsible when he goes all

Mai Lai, but fuck it, they’re only Arabs.

Dear Uncle Stu,

No, really, what should I do?

Uncle Stu replies,

Liv, we all know what’s going to happen – even you. You’ll get bored of his pedestrian conver-

sation, then you’ll settle down, work for the civil service and marry a version of your father.

You’ll spawn two children who’ll resent you and, in time, move away (the irony won’t be lost

on you), and your husband will leave you for a younger woman. The allure of the gin bottle will

be too much and you’ll spend your final days surrounded by cats and smelling of piss.

Dear Uncle Stu,

I’ve got a new boyfriend, but my parents don’t understand him. How can I get them to see his

good side?

Uncle Stu replies,

Carly, he hasn’t got a good side. He’s fairly harmless, but essentially a waste of skin. If you

were my daughter I’d horsewhip him.

Log book quotes, pt. 1.

‘I want to save the children.’ (Chris).

‘I love chewing Lego.’ (Toby).

‘Oh wow! I’ve found a knot for tying up scissors.’ (Alex).

‘I want to felate hedgehogs.’ (Chris).

Oli to Alex: ‘You got too much head too?’

Henry: ‘Yeah, it was the same barmaid.’

Henry: ‘You’re too broody – you’re only 21.’

Oli: ‘I know. That’s why I don’t want a baby yet. I just mean, when I’m 32…’

Henry: ‘…you’ll be unbearable!’

‘Henry always tells me to use more tongue.’ (Alex). 7

When collecting rescue organisations, we recommend this handy tick list to keep track of them. Add up your points to

see how calamitous you are.

Organisations collected (10pts each different service you have needed, no points for duplicates):

Fire Brigade

Ambulance

Police

Mountain Rescue

Cave rescue

Coast Guard

Bomb Disposal

Cliff Rescue

Bonuses (5pts each, none for duplicates):

Requirement of Inshore lifeboat

Requirement of Helicopter

Buildings had to be broken into for access

Record here the incidents that required rescue services. 5pts for each event plus another 3 for each person saved by the

service.

Total points (points for services + bonuses + points for incidents):

How you rate

Rescue Organisation Tick List.

Date Service No. of

people

saved

Nature of incident No. Points

0 points Have you lived?

1 – 20 points A mere trifling with death is fine.

21 – 40 points Average. Go and live some more and you’ll score bet-

ter

41 – 60 points Must try harder.

61 – 80 points Time to start taking life a little more seriously, you’re

not immortal!

81 – 100 points Quite excessive, you can stop now.

100 – 150 points Are you Henry?

151 points+ Champion collector. You need to be locked up in a

padded cell and I’m sure you find a way to hurt your-

self there.

Uncle Stu continued.

Dear Uncle Stu,

Despite trying to be nice, I seem to irritate people. Can you give me any advice to retain friends

and – oh, look, a tree.

Uncle Stu replies,

Dear Josh,

There’s nothing wrong with you a machete in the guts wouldn’t cure. Spending an hour in your

company would make even Mother Teresa punch you in the cock. You’re lazy, pointless and

shambolic.

Dear Uncle Stu,

Despite my history as a sex-pest, molesting under-age and barely conscious fat-birds, I seem to

have stumbled across true love. I’m worried she’ll leave me when she realises I’m pigeon-toed

and have the conversational abilities of a stunned ferret. How can I keep this wonderful, albeit

slightly smelly, woman?

Uncle Stu replies,

Dear Chris,

Please see my reply to Liv. I’m afraid it’s the same answer; she’ll leave you behind, and you’ll

return to your depressing and unsatisfying short-term shags, each one killing you a bit more inside,

until you end up on the street, shooting smack into your eyeballs. At which point Liv might pick

you up again. Think of this as your long-term plan.

Dear Uncle Stu,

I’m a wacky kind of guy and try to show my sense of humour, but people never seem to remember

my name.

Uncle Stu replies,

Alex, isn’t it? My second-favourite pencil has more character than you. You’re basically human

wallpaper. And stop wearing that stupid fucking scarf, it makes you look a twat.

Dear Uncle Stu,

I don’t like to preach, but why don’t more members of the club open their hearts to Our Saviour,

the Lord Jesus Christ? There is too much drinking, drug-taking and casual sex; can you help us to

lead them to the light?

Uncle Stu replies,

Dear Mathilda and “Xian” (and I can taste vomit at having to address you by that name), are you

so weak that you need an imaginary friend to console you? There is no god; even if there were, do

you truly believe he’d want to spend eternity in the company of people as tedious as you? I would

be concerned that you’d get upset at my reply, but Christians love being persecuted, almost as

much as you love persecuting others.

Dear Uncle Stu,

We, as anarchists, feel we have to object to the paternal tone of your advice, and the hierarchical

structures you work within. Why can’t everyone like, just get along and, like, do what they want?

Uncle Stu replies,

Dear Alex and Liv,

God, you bore me. The only justified anarchists are early 19th century Balkan peasants; every

other anarchist is a self-satisfied middle-class drone trying desperately to get a reaction from their

indulgent parents. Grow up. 9

Dear Uncle Stu,

01001001 00100000 01101111 01101110 01101100 01111001 00100000 01101011 01101110

01101111 01110111 00100000 01101000 01101111 01110111 00100000 01110100 01101111

00100000 01110010 01100101 01101100 01100001 01110100 01100101 00100000 01110100

01101111 00100000 01101110 01110101 01101101 01100010 01100101 01110010 01110011

00111011 00100000 01101000 01101111 01110111 00100000 01100011 01100001 01101110

00100000 01001001 00100000 01100100 01101111 00100000 01100001 00100000 01110011

01100101 01111000 00111111 Uncle Stu replies,

Dear Fran,

You autistic spacktard. Try relaxing, enjoying life and maybe getting laid.

ED’s Note. This actually says something. It can be translated on tinternet. I think Rich said it was

ASCII. He translated the first letter in his head after getting stubborn, but before being distracted

by the Queen Vic.

Dear Uncle Stu,

We’re all so ace, we’re the wunderkind, with the best exam results ever. You must be upset you

graduated so long ago, when people were so stupid.

Uncle Stu replies,

Dear all modern students,

Firstly, I had to edit your letter for grammar and spelling (it’s probably pointless telling you that

exam. should have a full-stop after it). Secondly, you are the final dull glow of a dying civilisa-

tion. University was for the officer-class elite; dross like you are better suited to third-rate poly-

technics. Crawl back to your provincial towns and breed cannon-fodder like Chris, it’s all you’re

fit for.

10

Website.

Some people have lives. Some, in an attempt to cultivate a social life, join a caving club. Of these

the cool ones, such as my self, intrepidly explore the underground, open up new cough mines

cough cough, and come face to face with death on a not irregular bases. We dance on table tops in

club huts, we make friends with cavers, and explore watering holes in limestone areas.. Some peo-

ple do not. Some peoples life failure extends so far it encompasses website design. Henry Patton

is one of these sad fools. Warm his sad little heart by checking out www.abercavers.co.uk

Due to a computing and editorial fuck up it became necessary to fill this space. I made my way to

www.abercavers.co.uk in an attempt to find something amusing, worth while, or even just pub-

lishable in this hallowed magazine format. Suffice to say I am currently writing vitriol on the

morning of fresher's fair, wired on sleep dep. and caffeine. www.abercavers.co.uk has nothing on

it except useful information about caving gear, the trips we did last academic year, the trips we

have planned, the committee (useless fucks), caving in general and funny videos. In short it is a

big pile of wank.

On the subject of sad fucks with no lives I feel one Rich Ll. Smith deserves a ‘special’ mention.

For the time he’s wasted finding, scanning and formatting the back editions of thrutch, the prede-

cessor before last of the magazine your currently holding. The truly tragic aspect of this is that

Rich has a girlfriend. At lest Henry hasn't got laid in years.

For the lucky winner of this issues competition the prize will be another game! Turn any bor-

ing SRT trip into Russian roulette with your prize of ACCs 9mil 100 meter rope. A personal

relic of the Nathan era for the winner of the caption competition. What slogan can you think

of to adorn this image (Left)?

Henry Patton won the last issues prize of Vaseline to stop water ingress in to his light battery,

and a back up light for when he fails to use it! Join me in laughing at:

Caption competition.

Alex’s first rigging practice ended in a

fail

Quotes from the log book (pt.2).

‘What’s the donkey from Shrek called?’ (Toby).

‘Do you want to split a 4-pack, Rich?’ (Chris…getting old).

ACC to Rich: ‘Chris says your dad is an HGV and your mum is a nazi’

Rich: ‘My dad’s not an HGV!’

Alex: ‘Henry, you shouldn’t have asked me to hold you closer.’

Henry: ‘But I needed you to hold me!’

‘It only hurts when I get excited.’ (Henry).

‘Barry said it’s about “this long”, but when I found out, I kept thrashing and thrashing.’ (Frances on horizontal

techniques with Barry).

11

Once I caved in Swildons, I did the sump

I did the sump first time.

Once I caved in Swildons, and now I'm done

Buddy can you spare a pint? I really need a shower, now we're done

Mud and clay and slime

I really need a shower, now we're done

Buddy can you spare a pint? Once in oversuits

Gee, we looked swell

Full of that yankee doodle de dum

Dirty Wellington boots went slogging through

hell

I was the kid at the sump Say don't you remember, they called me Al

It was Al all the time

Say don't you remember, I'm your pal!

Buddy can you spare a pint?

Once I caved in Bar Pot, far from the sun

I caved it just fine

Once I caved in Bar Pot far from the sun

Buddy can you spare a pint? Abseiled down in terror, it was fun

Stop, ascender and line

Abseiled down in terror, now I'm done

Buddy can you spare a pint? Once in oversuits

Gee, we looked swell

Full of that yankee doodle de dum

Dirty Wellington boots went slogging through

hell

I was the kid with the stop Say don't you remember, they called me Al

It was Al all the time

Say don't you remember, I'm your pal!

Buddy can you spare a pint?

Buddy Can You Spare a Pint? - Alex Jones to the tune of ‘Brother Can You Spare a Dime.’

Chris’ proper caving article, a discussion of the rival merits of Stops and Go's.

I don't like Stops, they make you stop.

I like Go’s, they make you go.

Don't use Stops, they're fucking shit,

Use Go’s. ED. I know there shouldn't by an apostrophe in ‘Go’s.’ you try and pluralise it in a grammatically

correct yet understandable manner.

Yet more Uncle Stu. Dear Uncle Stu,

I used to run ACC, and I come along to help out on trips sometimes. I fit in well, and lots of the

girls fancy me, which is a bit embarrassing. How can I keep things professional? Uncle Stu replies,

Dear Nathan,

They only tolerate you because you can take them round a cave. They pity your desperate at-

tempts to hold on to your fading youth, (youth? What youth? That faded ) and the girls find you

about as sexy as Alan Partridge. Give it up and accept the slow fading of the light and your de-

scent into loneliness, despair and alcoholism. Dear Uncle Stu,

The older man normally attracts girls, despite my gentle nature I haven’t had a touch in years.

What am I doing wrong? Uncle Stu replies,

Dear Henry,

It’s because you look like a Victorian rent-boy, they assume you have the bad AIDS. That and the

whiff of despair you emit. Try roughing one of them up; chicks love that. 12

Last of 08-09s log book highlights.

Oww. I just electrocuted my nose. (Josh).

Alex: ‘No, I can’t buy that hat. I’d look like a wannabe revolutionary.’

Alex, trying another hat: ‘I wouldn’t wear that hat. I don’t wear green.’ (Both said while

wearing his green t-shirt with revolutionary slogan).

Alex: ‘There’s one big difference between you and I.’

Frances: ‘My parents loved me?’

‘I smell tourists!’ (Steve, in Peak Cavern).

Chris (on Philip K. Dick): ‘He was quite prolific.’

Oli: ‘As were you.’

Chris: ‘The thing is, they were all quite skinny.’

Oli: ‘None of yours were darling.’

Mendips– what's the point? Chris Belton.

The limestone in the Mendips is inclined at 45 degrees, meaning that most caves aren't vertical

enough to be proper pots. They are merely vertical enough to be annoying, see Eastwater for fur-

ther details. A cave of entire pointlessness. Its a big pile of wank at 45 degrees. It’s shit. Miser-

able– but not with enough misery to recommend it.

Rumour has it the are 5 decent caveson Mendip, actually worth doing. Of these all but one are per-

manently denied access. This leads me to believe that these are ‘slightly’ overstated in their

‘brilliance’.

The other cave that is halfway decent is Swildons, which has a couple of half decent trips in it, but

it’s always infested with fresher's, Mendip ‘cavers’, and other people who don't know the first

thing about caving.

It’s probably just as well that there is no system worth doing on Mendip, as I hate to think what

would happen if anything went wrong. The MRO are a bunch of fat, aging has-beens who couldn't

rescue a fly from a pint. They don't even have a fucking callout list.

90% of the caves on Mendip are under 20m long (read the guide book) and most of these have

been dug for almost the entirety of their length. What's the point? The lack of cave has led to lots

of digging. 370 tons dug out of Caine Hill, and still no cave. See Belfry Bulletin 532 for the story

of this engineered non-cave.

Cavers were recently overjoyed to discover a 10 foot, old mine-shaft after days of digging. They

are currently mining the end of this tunnel as their pathetic attempts to find the ’Mendip master

cave’ continue.

‘The Mendip master cave.’ Wishful thinking has it that all the caves on Mendip connect to make

the biggest cave in the U.K, maybe the world. Furthermore Mendips sorry excuse for cavers be-

lieve that they will find it. You would have to be crazy on acid to believe any of this. The Mendip

master cave does not exist. Deal with it.

Editors note. We at ‘Oh Henry,’ hope ‘What’s the point?’ will become an occasional series. We have com-

missioned more articles, including ‘Yorkshire-What's t’ point?’ and ‘Chris Belton– What's the point? 13

‘Below.’- Yell this when dropping something

heavy off a pitch. This ensures it will land

smack in your mates face, upturned as they

yell back ‘what?’

‘Shitting Fuck.’- Has the same meaning as

‘below,’ but appropriate for situations when

you suspect you will have to pay for the item

dropped.

‘Ka-Ka, Ka-Ka.’- Means anything from ‘I

am having a fantastic time,’ through ‘police

officers go home,’ to ‘can I steal your chips?’

‘Tikká Tikká Tikká.’– As for ‘Ka-Ka, Ka-

Ka,’ but with the secondary meaning of ‘I am

drunk, stood in the middle of the road and do-

ing a silly dance.’

‘Rope Free.’– Everyone is hanging about

around a pitch, getting cold and wet.

A Cavers Dictionary– Olivia Dawson.

‘Fun.’- This is a technical term, meaning

cold, wet, miserable, protracted and diffi-

cult.

‘Interesting.’- Like ‘fun’, but worse.

‘Technical.’- Sometimes combined with

the words ‘fun’ and ‘interesting’. Always

means difficult. Often means ‘should have

fixed aids’ or ‘fixed aids should have been

replaced in the mid ’90s.’ Occasionally,

and worryingly, means ’why are these

fixed aids made of hemp?’

‘Thrutch.’- Difficult, tight, nasty. Usually

crawling upwards at an angle somewhere

between 45 and 70 degrees. Sometimes

exposed.

‘Caving challenge.’– Always meaning

‘kiss your self respect and dignity good

bye.’ Sometimes meaning ‘I am going to

be stuck, awaiting rescue, looking at most

of my clothes, (discarded in an attempt to

free myself) covered in washing up liquid,

lard, or used chip fat.’

‘Pitch.’- Alex is not on this trip

‘Mendip trip.’ - We’re going down the

pub.

‘Wet.’- Hellish

‘Mud.’ - Hellish

‘Hellish.’ – A really good trip that leaves

one feeling ‘satisfied and content.’

‘Satisfied and content.’ - Battered,

bruised, aching, covered in mud.

‘I don't like the look of that.’- Man Up

And Do It. However if caving with a cer-

tain someone take, and at this point check,

your own survey. Read your own guide

book and pray to your own god.

Geography, its secrets revealed.

Mendip.– Piss up/ Oli wants a piss up/ no

one wants to do proper caving.

Yorkshire. - Avoid at all costs.

South Wales. - Petrol is very expensive at

the moment.

Derbyshire.– A place we are not yet known.

A470.– Somewhere you spend so much time

it feels like home.

Devon.– A bit like Cornwall, but apparently

better in every way. Rumoured to have caves.

Mainly of interest as the home of Henry’s

tractor collection.

Scotland.– Home of ten meter deep mud-

fests, or ‘digs’ as they are known in the locals

archaic dialect. Also houses Nathan. Home of

the brave? You’d fucking have to be.

Common caving calls and their meanings. Common caving terms and their meanings.

14

Bridge Cave by Toby Collins, aged 19 and a

half.

I like Bridge Cave. Its underground and dark

and has a bridge and is easy to get lost. (ED.

It’s really not. Even by Toby's standards get-

ting lost in Bridge is good going).

The boulder choke was interesting. I leant

against the support and Alex yelled at me.

We shuffled over the bridge, it was scary and

fun. Alex only did it once, he was scared.

It wasn't a pretty cave but I liked it anyway.

Eldon Hole. A fun day out by Chris Belton aged

27 and one week and a half.

We went to Eldon hole.

Oli learnt to pass knots.

We found a dead sheep.

It was sunny.

We climbed out.

We will go back for it on Monday.

The end. :-)

Yo-yo’s are fun!!!

Trip Reports.

Eldon Hole. An example of Chris’ incompetence,

by Olivia Dawson aged 21 and two thirds.

This trip was supposed to be rigging practice for

me. We studied the rigging guide before select-

ing the North Gully as the most suitable decent.

We wrote it down, sorted our ropes and away we

went.

Chris demonstrated the map skills that make him

an army legend so we parked and kitted up in the

wrong place. We then failed to establish which

direction was North, a fact we didn't come to ap-

preciate till we reached the hole.

Armed with our now useless rigging guide Chris

went down, after we decided this was a step to

far for me. Missing p-hangers left and centre he

descended and I followed.

Our ropes did not appear to be the right length

for this route, so Chris was forced to knot them

twice. I had never passed a knot before, so the

learning aspect of the trip was fulfilled.

When we got to the bottom the was a dead sheep,

which we returned for (with me rigging), the

next day.

As the sheep blocked the way on we turned back

and i de-rigged. On the surface it became appar-

ent it was our chosen route down after all.

Rose Cottage by Tim Wiffen, aged 19 and a

half.

Friday evening Chris, Oli and I decided to go

down Rose Cottage Cave.

We walked over to the cave and Chris trod on

the hose thing that made all the smelly water

go down the cave.

We climbed down the ladder and couldn’t find

the right way for a while,

The end of this article was never written. Or if it was I

didn't lose it. ED.

Caving May Ball, by Frances Louise Pope,

aged 20 and a half.

We went to Goatchurch entrance series with

nibbles, cava and formal wear.

We had quite a good ball in there, with photos

and some dancing. See Facebook.

Calf Holes by Henry Patton, aged 22, 11

months, two weeks and a day.

Easy cave for the last day.

Pete had done it many years ago and it was a

new one for me.

Alex had forgotten his helmet so only did the

first pitch.

He also de-rigged while Pete and I did the rest

of the cave.

Ogof Rhyd Sych by Henry Patton, aged 23 and 5

days

Never found It. 15

Caving Games.

#1. Sling and Saucepan.

• How to: A team of two has to balance on an upturned saucepan and attempt to pass a sling

from the floor, up and over their bodies. Only one of the players is allowed to touch the pan.

• The Winner: The sling is tightened and any successful teams try the challenge again.

• here are usually no actual winners as either everyone finds it impossible simultaneously or

two teams refuse to concede defeat and everyone else leaves them to it.

• The Dangers: i) Loss of dignity as

you are forced to remove ever more

articles of clothing to get the sling over

your protruding body parts.

• ii) Falling off the saucepan while

trussed to another person and landing

on the furniture/ the audience/ the Bel-

fry stove.

• iii) Inadvertent innuendo from your

partner, as demonstrated here by Henry:

“Hold me Alex! I need you to hold me

tighter!”

LOVE SONG

Gazing into your eyes gives me such a thrill,

Oh, its better than abseiling into Sell Gill.

Oh yes, I hope you’ll part your silken thighs,

Every time I gaze into your clear blue eyes.

Life without you would just be so barren,

You are tighter, even, than Daren.

To be together- it must be our fate.

You’re sexier than the epileptic in P8.

She regressed to about the age of three,

But you are hotter, by far, than she

There’s just one problem- you’re not that fat!

You’re skinnier than Bertie Bat.

I know when caving you won’t get stuck,

In Dallimores, the cheese press,- no such luck-

Oh well, there's still plenty of fat girls to fuck.

POEM

Roses are red,

Violets are blue,

I like caves and I love you too.

Chris’ poetry corner.

Taste. Decency. My desire for the caving club to sleep untroubled by nightmares, and to digest

untroubled by retching... all led to me thinking this should be binned. The high number of you who

failed to contribute anything mean that space demands dictated that i didn’t. I hold you all respon-

sible. ED.

16

‘Nearly five body bags!’ Cave Rescue.

‘Aberystwyth Caving Club? Ummm... They’re almost defiantly

a club’ Gavin, from the Union sports office.

‘I have a spoon, it’s a wooden spoon’ Josh, former president, ACC.

‘I thoroughly oppose the existence off the ACC and all its

members. The international community must come together to

eliminate this epidemic.’ Margaret Chan, Director-General of the World Health Organization.

‘I just wish they weren't so enthusiastic about getting lifeboats

down caves.’ Head of RNLI.

‘Ask not what the caving club can do for you, but what you can

do to make the caving club leave you alone.’ J.F. Kennedy, former president, guild of students.

The Real Underground Movement

A.C.C.