our children's needs

8/8/2019 Our Children's Needs

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OUR CHILDRENÕS NEEDS

Robert Elias Najemy

A human being is pretty much formed and programmed in his or her concepts abouthimself or herself and the surrounding world by the age of eight. Most of the work, whichis done today by psychologists and psychiatrists, is to solve the problems and fill the gapsleft by the experiences of those earlier years. WouldnÕt it be better to pay more attentionto how we bring up our children so that they can be stronger, more able, happier, more inharmony with themselves and their environment? The future of the world depends on our children. The quality of our children and their ability to create a better world depends onus, but not in the way most may think. Let us consider here how we can help our childrenand ourselves to find harmony, health and happiness.

SEEDS DO NOT LEARN TO GROW

Seeds grow into beautiful plants and huge almost immortal trees with no education or training whatsoever. What they are to become and how they are to become that, arealready printed in their consciousness and chromosomes. The same is true for all theanimals, plants and insects upon the earth. Is man the only exception? Are we sounintelligent that we cannot understand what we must become and how we must becomethat? Are we so far behind the plants and animals in this matter? Or have we destroyedthis contact with our inner consciousness, our inner voice that could guide us on our way?

Adults in their well meaning way, with an exaggerated concern for their children, and anunderestimation of the divine potential which lies within those small beings,inadvertently destroy that small inner voice, as they try to mould their children into whatthey believe their child should become. This is also true of the educational system as awhole. Thus the question, concerning how we can help our children, becomes, moreaccurately, how can we help ourselves out of our mistaken concepts and anxiety aboutthe future and lack of confidence in ourselves, our children and mankind so as not to become obstacles to the childÕs natural development?

Our emphasis should not be so much on how we can teach but on how we can learn andgrow maturer emotionally, mentally and spiritually. Then the "real parent", the divinewithin each child, will take over for us and for our children. We cannot help our childrenfind the voice within them if we have not found our own. We cannot help our children to be healthy if we have not created health for ourselves. We cannot help them have self-confidence unless we ourselves have it. Their self-respect depends on our self-respect,their inner peace on ours, and their self-mastery on our self-mastery. Learning throughexample is much more effective for children than learning through words. When the person who gives advice is not an example of those words, then not only do those wordshave no power, but they create a feeling of resentment and rejection towards thehypocrisy which is so obvious. All children are idealists. They expect there to be aconsistency between thoughts, words and actions. When there is not, they feel insecure,they do not know what to believe. Consistency gives a child a feeling of security and



respect.

WHAT ARE THEIR NEEDS?

This list of childrenÕs needs will by no means be complete. These are some of the

obvious needs that come to mind at this moment. When I asked a small group of childrento think about the basic needs of children, one child shocked me with the most simpleanswers. She said, ÇThe first need of children is PARENTSÈ. How simple, how obvious,and yet today how fragile is that assurance that the child will have the same two parentsfrom its birth until adulthood. ÇThe second need of childrenÈ, she said, Çis to have agood relationship with your parentsÈ. This 11 year-old child was telling me what took somany psychologists so many years to understand and verify.

In working with adults with various emotional problems, most difficulties seem tooriginate from the lack of affirmation of love and acceptance during their childhood.When this base of love and acceptance is missing, then we have lot of work to do in our

adult life in order to regain that self-love and self-acceptance. When this base of love isthere as a child, then we can proceed on to other needs and activities. When it is notthere, then whatever we will do in our lives will have as a major motive, proving our ability and our self-worth.

Children need to feel secure. Few feel secure when there are conflicts occurring aroundthem. Few can relax inwardly when others around them are shouting, accusing,criticizing and hating each other. To a small child, tension between parents, or between parents and the child or other children, constitute a deep chasm of insecurity.

When the conflict is between the parents, it is often worse for the child. The child has notyet learned to feel separate itself from the parents. It feels identification with both parents. Thus when they are in conflict, it feels that the conflict is taking place betweentwo parts of its own being. It might even begin hating itself as a result.

Children cannot feel secure if the parents do not feel secure. If we are constantlyworrying and have anxiety about money, health and the future, then our children willautomatically be programmed to feel insecure about these aspects of life. This insecuritywill remain with them and they will waste large portions of time, energy and thoughtthroughout their life, trying in vain to find ÇsecurityÈ by controlling these externalcircumstances. As adults, it is possible that this inner programming that we are not securemay never be appeased. Thus the most effective way to offer a security base to our children is not to be found in providing them with a large inheritance but rather toestablish an inner feeling of security within ourselves. If we believe in ourselves and inour ability to cope with all of lifeÕs situations, the child will feel the same. As we feelmore secure, we will have less moments of conflict with others and our home will be ingeneral more peaceful and more supportive for the child.

UNCONDITIONAL LOVE



We all know that a child needs love and want to be able to love our childrenunconditionally; but it is not so easy. We are human beings with needs, feelings,expectations, attachments, fears and conditionings which prevent us from being able toaccept tour children independently of their behavior. Having children is an excellentopportunity in life to develop unconditional love. We are more inclined to forgive,

overlook and to continue loving when we feel that this is our child.What do we mean by unconditional love? We mean that our feelings of love andacceptance for our children do not change or fluctuate depending on what they do or say,or what they decide to do with their lives. It is not necessary to love and accept tour childrenÕs behavior. We must make a distinction between our childrenÕs being, soul or consciousness and their behavior. We can reject a certain behavior, and explain so tothem, without rejecting their being or self. "I love you but I am disturbed by this particular behavior."

Our children need to know that we accept and love them regardless of what they may do,

but also that certain forms of behavior are not acceptable to us. We should, however,investigate for ourselves why this behavior is not acceptable. Is it because it will be potentially harmful to the child, to someone else, or to ourselves? Or is it simply becausewe are programmed that it should not be done? Or does the behavior conflict with our expectations based on our personal needs and dreams for the child? Or are we afraid of what the others will think about our child and subsequently about us?

We must be very clear about why we are rejecting a certain behavior. Our rejection cancome out of a place of real love and concern for the child, if, in fact, we are not simply protecting our own interests. As long as a certain behavior does no real harm to anyone, itis best to allow the child to pursue it. Something within them, some need is guiding themto explore that kind of activity. They have something to learn through doing that. Thisdoes not mean that there are not moments where control or even natural or logicalconsequences may be necessary. But we need to be sure that the reasons are valid andhave to do with real issues of safety or morality and not because we are disappointed withthe their grades or selection of hobbies, interests or friends.

In order to love our children unconditionally, we will need to start loving ourselvesunconditionally. We will have to let go of all the prerequisites we have put on our ownself-love. We will need to love ourselves even though we are not perfect, even though wemake mistakes, even when others do not love and accept us. The more we free our self-love from the various prerequisites, the more our love for our children and others will become unconditional.

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AFFIRMATION

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Everyone likes a pat on the back, recognition, strokes, praise or affirmation of his or her ability, goodness and worthiness. Our children have not yet formed images of themselvesand need these positive inputs even more than adults. Children are not sure if they are

able or not. They are small in such a large world. They are learning and thus makingmany mistakes as they try to learn how to do things correctly.

In our attempt to help our children we often tend to point out their mistakes morefrequently than their successes. The mistakes are what are more obvious and thus we feelthe need to point them out. The successes are taken for granted. We over-emphasize whatour children do wrong. This undermines their sense of ability, and they start to doubtwhether they can really succeed. Thus they become preoccupied, worrying about whether they will be able to do it, and whether they will be criticized. Thus little energy is left for focusing on what they are actually doing so that they can do it correctly and succeed.Then, if our childrenÕs performance suffers, we become even more critical. This creates

a vicious circle in which our childrenÕs sense of ability, success and worthiness iscompletely undermined.

Later in life we seek incessantly to prove that we are okay, a success, by attempting togain money, fame and respect from others. But it is a losing battle because inside us weare programmed to believe that we are not okay, not able. Although we may become verysuccessful, we will likely be unable to satiate our need to prove our ability over and over.On the other hand, we may simply perpetuate the belief that we are failures and createcontinual failure in life, by undermining our success in relationships and at work and perhaps our sense of self-worth through alcohol, drugs, tranquilizers or other means.

If we want our children to succeed, to accept themselves, to be happy and to have theself-confidence which is required to proceed in life, then we must give them plenty of positive affirmation of their ability and goodness.

A SIMPLE TECHNIQUE

A simple technique will help. Every day sit quietly for a few moments and relax your body and mind so that you can concentrate. (Breathing deeply a number of times willhelp). When you feel relaxed and concentrated, then bring your child to your mind.Visualize the child healthy, happy and full of self-confidence. Now bring to mind five positive qualities or characteristics that you recognize in that child. Imagine these positive qualities increasing every day. Then again see your child in the screen of your mind, full of light, health and happiness. Imagine yourself and the child in lovingembrace, or dancing or singing or in any type of harmonious, happy communication. Thiswill take from about five to ten minutes.

When the opportunity occurs naturally, we can then inform the child of these qualities or abilities, which we recognize in him or her.



We need to let our children know that we love them, respect them, and believe in their ability to make decisions, to be responsible and to cope with life. But we also need toclarify that your love is independent from the positive characteristics or abilities, whichwe recognize in them. They should not be left to feel that we love them more becausethey do well in school, or sports, or are pretty or handsome, or capable. Our love and

respect should not be associated with specific qualities. Otherwise they will get themessage that they must always be this way or else the others will not love and respectthem. This will create anxiety.

Affirming our children will help them develop the strengths and abilities they need to besuccessful and happy in life. It will also do wonders for our relationships with them. It ismuch more effective than criticizing and blaming them for their mistakes. Mistakesshould be pointed out for the sake of learning from them, but not for the purpose of rejecting the other or making them feel badly.

Also, we need to gain our own self-confidence. Otherwise we might be intimidated by

tour childrenÕs abilities and subconsciously want to undermine their success or intelligence. This sometimes occurs between fathers and sons, or mothers and daughters,when the children are entering adolescence. It is sometimes difficult for us to accept thatour children have their own ideas and almost impossible for our ego to accept that theseideas may be better or more advanced than ours. We as parents may subconsciously bemotivated to play power games with our children, rejecting them because of our insecurities. As our children enter adolescence, we must gradually learn to let go of our previous roles and become more of a friend or counselor (who gives advice when asked).Otherwise a conflict may arise between our children who need to assert and affirm their personality, and us the parents, who does not want to let go of our roles of directors of their lives.


DO NOT WORRY

Worry is a direct message to our children that we do not feel secure, that we do not feelable to face the tests and difficulties of life. It is a direct message that we believe (andtherefore it is true) that life is dangerous, that human beings (and therefore our children)are weak and helpless and very vulnerable to these dangers of life.

When we worry about the child, we are saying, between the lines, ÇI do not have faith inyou, in your ability to overcome the illness or this problem. I do not have faith in your discrimination, in your inner strength, in your ability to surpass this difficultyÈ. All thisundermines our childrenÕs inner strength and faith in life itself.





It is also an indirect but clear message that we do not believe (and therefore it is not true)in the existence of a divine power, a divine wisdom and justice, a God, which is in someway connected with every being on the earth, and is sustaining and guiding each being.Our children then mature into adults who will believe that the world is chaos, that harmcan come to us through accident and that we are helpless to do anything about it. They

will feel weak, helpless, vulnerable victims living in a dangerous world. Their basicreaction will be that which they learned from their parents - worry, anxiety and fear.

If we really want to help our children, we will develop our inner strength and ability toface life. We will develop greater faith in the spiritual truths confirmed by all religionsand spiritual philosophies. We will increase our faith in divine wisdom and justice, whichis bringing to us exactly the experiences we need in order to mature emotionally,mentally and spiritually. We also need to understand that our children are being guided by that same spiritual force, and are also passing through exactly the experiences theymust pass through, in order to blossom into the great spiritual beings that they really are.

A diamond starts out as a piece of coal and only through great pressure does it become adiamond. And when it is found it must be cut and rubbed so that its beauty may shinethrough. Gold is found in ore with other impurities. Only when it is melted and bangedinto shape does it take on a beautiful form. The same is true with the human personality.By facing difficulties, which test its inner strength and diminish its egoism, it grows more beautiful on all levels. The greatest gift that we can give to our children is faith. Faith inthemselves and their abilities. Faith in ourselves. Faith in God. Faith in life. Faith in theimmortality and indestructibility of the soul. And for those who accept the concept of reincarnation, faith in the fact that our children have lived thousands of lives and havegrown into adulthood and died many times. They have millions of experiences stored intheir soul memory. They have an inner voice that will guide them.

PROPER NUTRITION

A childÕs nutrition plays an important part in his physical and mental harmony. Manyforms of hyperactive and negative behavior have been linked with the excessiveconsumption of "junk food" which contain a high percentage of sugar and white flour.These two white substances are known to weaken and undermine the functioning of thenervous system in children and adults. They lead to a depletion of B vitamins andimportant minerals, thus disturbing the functioning of both the nervous and endocrinesystems.

In a research study on children in a reform school, it was found that their negative behavior dropped by 50% when they were given vitamin B supplements. In another studyon people with fear of crowds (agoraphobia), 84% found relief from their fear throughtaking vitamin B-6.

Children need a variety of foods, which give them the necessary nutrients for the proper functioning of their body and mind. The basis of their diet should be cooked whole grainssuch as brown rice, whole wheat, cracked wheat, oats, lentils, beans and chickpeas, etc.



These whole grains should be combined with an equal portion of fresh raw vegetable,either whole or in salad form, such as carrots, beets (shredded), lettuce, spinach, celery, parsley, cabbage, etc. Some cooked vegetables may also be added, but they should not beovercooked so that the vitamins are destroyed or the minerals removed in the boiling process. Oil should not be used in cooking. It may be added to the food in the raw form at

the table.Fresh homegrown sprouts are an abundant source of vitamins, minerals and vital energy.Many children like the responsibility of caring for sprouts and watching them grow.

This basic diet of grains and vegetables can be supplemented with milk, yogurt, cheese,nuts of all kinds, dried fruits, fresh fruits, eggs and, if necessary, small portions of meat, poultry and fish. Many parents around the world today are bringing their children up asvegetarians. It has become a well-accepted fact that vegetarians in general are muchhealthier than meat eaters are.

It is important that white sugar products, chocolates and other "junk food" products beavoided as much as possible. They will make our children more nervous and less able toconcentrate and learn. The childÕs need for sweets and natural sugar can be satisfiedwith fresh dried fruits such as dried raisins, apricots, peaches, pears and apples. We canalso learn to make sweets at home with pure products such as whole-wheat flour and purehoney.

Needless to say, we should follow the same dietary guidelines.


STIMULUS TO GROW

Children want to learn. They need to learn. Their survival and growth depend on it. Allchildren are full of curiosity and would remain that way all their lives if that naturaldesire to learn was not turned off and, in many cases, completely destroyed by our present educational system and general social attitudes towards children. What are someof these factors which discourage the natural inclination of the child toward learning?

1. The mechanical approach of the present educational system does not allow children toinvestigate their natural interests. They are required to be interested in a specific subjectat a specific age and even at a specific hour of the day. And even if they should becomeinterested in spite of this unnatural process, the moment they start investigating thatsubject, they is told that they must now leave that, because it is now time to study another subject. Thus our children become disconnected from their inner motivation towardslearning. They learn to accept whatever is given to them through the school system,





which occupies so much of their time, that they have virtually no time or energy for personal study of some subject that may really interest them. Learning loses its interestand begins to have no meaning. It is no longer pleasurable.

2. The fact that the material they are forced to study is irrelevant to their daily life is

another factor, which dampens their interest in learning. They function on the impulse of needs. If what they are learning has no relation to their needs, then they lose interest in itquickly. Children are forced to memorize many useless facts in the present system. Thiscan hardly be considered the preparation of a human being to be a thinking, creativemember of society. It is more like the preparation of a number of programmed robots,without the ability to analyze and think clearly.

3. The fear of failure or of making a mistake causes our children to feel anxiety withrespect to the process of learning. Too much emphasis is given to grades and who is better or best, rather than to how much effort they have made, or to what they havelearned. The emphasis is on results, in terms of grades, and not on the ability to think.

When they do not do well for some reason, they are made to feel bad, rejected andinferior. This negative experience turns them off to the process of learning.

Often their only solution is to decide to give up the effort altogether and take on the roleof "the failure" and not try at all. In such situations they develop a complex, or blockage,towards a certain subject or towards learning in general. They say to themselves, ÇIcannot do that. I am not ableÈ. Thus for the rest of their lives this belief prevents themfrom enjoying growth, evolution and learning.

A human being who does not continue learning throughout his or her life is living "death"and not "life". Life by definition means growth and evolution. Death is the absence of growth.

4. Emotional problems with the family or friends, or between other family members (i.e.the childÕs parents) may disturb our childrenÕs sense of security and inner harmony.Thus their interest in learning and ability to concentrate are obstructed. In such cases theyneed the parent to be a friend who can hear their feelings and problems without judgingor even advising unless they ask for advice. These emotional problems must be workedout if our childrenÕs energy is to be released and directed toward learning again.

5. A disappointment in social values and hypocrisy may cause our children to reject thesociety in which they live and thus all the aspects of that system, including theeducational system. When they sees that there is hypocrisy, selfishness, lying andcheating going on at every level of society, even among policemen, lawyers, judges, politicians and businessmen, why should they study what such a system wants them tolearn in order to become a part of that system? Who would want to be a part of thatsystem? Children have not yet learned to compromise their ideals for the sake of personalsecurity or success.

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help our Children, Send in an email to the following address to get one message eachweek on Life's Lessons for 16 [email protected]

WHAT CAN PARENTS DO?

What can parents do about this situation? How can we provide a home environment thatwill stimulate the process of holistic learning for our children?

We can start by spending more time with our children, learning with them. Not teachingthem. Not solving problems for them. Not answering their questions. But sitting downand learning with them. This might mean that we set an example by using our free timefor learning whatever is interesting for us. We would best allow our children to developtheir own problem solving abilities and to help them only when they are stuck. Even thenwe should not solve the problem, but rather ask them questions that will direct their mind

in an analytical way so that they themselves discover the answer. This is the"questioning" method used by the philosopher Socrates is very effective in bringing forththe truth, which is hidden within.

Questions are our best tool for helping. If that does not work, then the we can imaginethat we know nothing (which in some cases, in this ever changing system of information,may be true) and we can begin together with the child, to search where we might findanswers. This research may take us to our childrenÕs schoolbooks, or to encyclopaedias,magazines, newspapers, the worldwide web - Internet or to persons or friendsknowledgeable in a particular subject. In this way our children begin to perceive that theworld around them is a Çgiant bookÈ from which they can always learn and find outwhat they want to know. In this way learning is connected to life, and life to learning.

Some parents feel that they are unqualified to help their children with their schoolwork. If we ourselves feel incapable, how do we expect our children to learn them. We need toovercome our fears and set the example by learning and growing.

We often deprive ourselves and our children of quality time together so that we can makemore money so as to pay for special classes and schools. We make money but have lesstime to spend with our children. We become tense and tired and have less patience andenergy for our children.

Our children see us less and, when they do, they are asked about their grades and whether they have studied. They are seldom asked about their emotional life, hobbies, fears, and problems. The standard question is, "Have you studied?" I might be healthier on all levelsif we worked less, saved the money spent on teachers and special schools and spent thetime with the child, learning together?

CONSISTENCY





Children, just like adults, expect consistency from the people around them. Consistencymeans that there is an agreement between what we think, what we say and what we do.

When we tell them not to smoke and smokes ourselves, this is not consistent. When wetell them not to tell lies and then tell obvious lies to others in front of them, how can they

respect us? When we have two sets of standards, one for ourselves and one for our children, they feel lessened, disregarded, unloved, disrespected.

When a mother forbids a child to wear make-up and spends time making up her ownface, how can the child understand the obvious double message being given? When wegive one message with our words and another with our lifestyle, our children becomeseriously confused.

They are being given a conflicting set of messages, a conflicting set of values, and do notknow which is true. This leads to inner conflict and insecurity. It may also lead to bitterness and resentment against the parents, teachers and society. Why should they

respect and emulate a society of weak human beings who donÕt even have the strength tolive up to their own values and are unable themselves to employ their own advice. Thusthe age-old Çteach by example, rather than wordsÈ, seems to be the best policy.

Another aspect of consistency has to do with promises. It is very important to keep our word to our children. When we promise we are going to do something, or that they aregoing to be able to do something, it is extremely important that these words becomereality. When we go back on our promises, they lose trust, not only in us, but also inmankind in general. They learn that a peopleÕs words do not bind them to action and thatthey cannot trust anyone. They also learn that they, too, do not have to keep their word.This makes them feel like isolated beings in a society of people they cannot trust.

When we promise that we will take them somewhere or do something with them or for them, we must make every possible effort to fulfil that promise. This means that we mustalso be more careful about what we promise. If we are not sure that we can execute arequest, then it is better to say, "I am not sure, I will try, but I do not promise definitelythat I will be able to". If we want our children to take their words and promises seriously,then we must teach them to do so with our example.

This also applies to promises for punishment or logical consequences in the case of certain kinds of behavior or contracts which have been made with our children. When wehave made an agreement that they will not go out to play until some specific duty or studies are completed, and then let them go out even though the agreement has not beenfulfilled, we are again giving them the message that our words do not mean anything. Weteach them that they can be irresponsible and get away with it. They then apply the sametactics as adults at home, at work and in society.

When we have agreed with our children about a certain plan of cooperation and behavior in the home (through discussion and participation) and they do fulfil it, then it isimperative that the consequences be enforced, however unpleasant they may be for us



and the children. It is best if the child agrees the consequences on before hand, so thatthere is less feeling of hurt or injustice.

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OPEN COMMUNICATION

Communication is the process, which opens up a channel of love, understanding andunion between people. When it is lacking, no amount of money, education or materialgoods can bridge the gap that is created.

Few of us have enough time, inner peace and energy to communicate deeply with our

children. We need to spend more time talking with children rather than at or down tothem. Children, like adults, want to feel connected to others. They want to feel connectedto their parents and teachers and others who are models in their lives. They want to beable to express how they feel, what they are thinking about, their fears, their joys, their questions about life, their ideas and creative inventions and discoveries. They want toknow that someone cares, that someone recognizes them, that someone is interested inhearing about them, appreciates them and respects them.

They, too, want to know what their parents and others are feeling, and thinking. Thisfriendship is one of our childrenÕs most important needs. We can become our childrenÕsfriends.

Children want to know why. Why the world is like it is? Why they are expected to docertain tasks? Why thy must not engage in certain activities? Why parents feel and act inthe way that they do? When we say to our children, "No, you may not do that because Isaid so", we are insulting their intelligence. We are saying that they are stupid, unableand unworthy of any explanation on that matter. "Just do what I tell you. You do not needto know why I do not want you to do that". We usually resort to such demeaning behavior when we are not sure of themselves, or have not clearly examined our motivesand feelings, or simply have the need to play power games to boost our own sense of self-affirmation. It is absolutely essential to explain the factors and thoughts which bring us toour decisions. Then they will understand what is going on in us and simultaneously feelthat at least they are respected enough to deserve an explanation, even if they do notagree with it.

When we do not discuss with them, they turn inward and conclude that trying tocommunicate with us is futile. They begin to lie and hide the truth about their life style.In such a case, the bridge of communication is destroyed and consequently the only toolfor resolving family problems is lost. The same happens when we continually rejectwhatever they say or do. They stop communicating.





In order for us to be able to express our inner thoughts and feelings to their children, wewill have to know them. That means we will have to do a certain amount of self-analysisso as to discover our beliefs and programmings. We may, in the process, find that manyof our conflicts with our children are based on our own problems, which we are

projecting onto them. Some examples might be:1. Our own need for approval from society through our childrenÕs success or behavior.2. Our own need for a position of power over the child.3. Our own fears and insecurities.4. Our lack of self-confidence which causes us to lack faith in the child.5. Our fear of the opinion of others.6. Our anxieties about other problems in our lives, i.e., work, money worries and problems with our own parents.7. Our own tired or disturbed nervous system.

These and many other personal problems may cause us to communicate abruptly,inconsiderately, and disrespectfully to our children, thus undermining theirs self-image,self-acceptance, self-love and self-confidence.We would do well to learn the basic communication skills of "I-messages" and "activelistening" which are described in other chapters of this book. In general, more effectivecommunication creates an atmosphere of justice and mutual respect, caring and love. Weall need this.

TECHNIQUES FOR FACING LIFE

Life is a game. Playing that game is an art and a science. There are techniques for facinglife more effectively. Like everything else we teach in schools, we can teach about howto deal with life itself, with its disappointments, its failures, its injustices; with illness,with pain, with the loss of loved ones, with the ever changing events and tests of life.

Life is a school and we can learn much from it, if we know how. Children can be taughthow to learn rather than how to memorize often-useless facts. They can learn techniquesfor creating and maintaining a strong, healthy body, a relaxed nervous system andharmonious endocrine system. They can be taught how to strengthen their immunesystem. They can be taught how to calm their minds, how to expand the ability toconcentrate, remember and analyze. They can be taught how to get in touch with their inner creative potential, so important in science, fine arts and business. How to createloving relationships. How to become useful members of a society.

Are these subjects not more important than all most meaningless facts which children arewasting their minds on memorizing? Do we want to produce sleeping robots or alive,awake, thinking, creative, healthy, happy, useful members of society? We had better make the decision and adjust our curriculum accordingly.

Beyond very practical techniques for harmonizing the body, emotions and mind, schools



and parents should make sure that children have the opportunity to be informed about,and discuss, important subjects like relationships, selecting a marriage partner, sex,narcotics, effective communication, love, the nature of man, the purpose of life, what isdeath, what happens after death, professional guidance, the relationship between theindividual and society.

Most individuals in our present society seem to lack preparation or serious thoughtconcerning these subjects which are essential for anyone who wants to have peace of mind or live a meaningful life.

Until such subjects are covered in schools, it is important that parents give their childrenan opportunity to be informed about and discuss these subjects. If the parents do not feelcomfortable about, or informed enough themselves, then they can become so. This willimprove greatly the quality of their own lives, and they will have so much more to offer to their children.


SOME LAST THOUGHTS

We can remember how we felt when we were children. We can spend time rememberingour various experiences feelings and needs which we had when we were children. Buteven that is not enough. The conditions and environment of our childhood years werevery different than those, which our children experience today. Thus we must imaginethat we are our children and try to understand how they feel. Then our words and actionswill be in harmony with their needs.

We need to believe in our children and ourselves. If we do not believe in ourselves, wecannot believe in our children. Let us have faith that both we and they are capable of facing life with our inner guidance, clarity and effectiveness. Let us believe in our spiritual oneness and the power of unconditional love is the solution for every problem.Let us be consistent and respect ourselves and our children.

Let us continue our own education, our own growth, our own self-improvement, our ownspiritual evolution. Let us be true to who we are and overcome our egos, our fears andattachments. Let us spend time with our children and share with them the beauty of our inner selves. Let us grow together in humility and simplicity with our children,discovering together the meaning and beauty of life.

Let us close with some words from Maria Montessori:

"Without any doubt we have in the past been the unconscious oppressors of this new





human seed which bursts forth pure and charged with energy. And we have superimposedourselves upon it without admitting the needs of its spiritual expansion. So the child hasremained almost completely hidden - or very much overshadowed - by this unconsciousegotism of the adult. It would be an affirmation not too well received, I imagine, were I tosay that very often the adult becomes an obstacle, rather than a help to the development

of the child. It is a most difficult thing for us to accept that statement that, very often, it isour excessive care for the child which prevents the exercise of his own activities, andtherefore the expansion of his own personalityÉ

"Thus it comes to pass that when we, with the very best intentions and with the mostsincere wish to help, do everything for the child - when we wash him, lift him up and plunk him down on his chair, feed him, and put him into that species of cage we call hiscrib - in giving him all these unnecessary aids we do not really help but hinder him.

"And later on, towards the boy or girl, we repeat the same error, when - still holding tothe belief that he cannot learn anything without our help - we stuff him with intellectual

nourishment, we nail him to the benches of the school so that he cannot move, we makeevery effort to uproot his moral defects, we crush or break his will, secure in our belief that in this way we are acting for his highest good.

"And so we proceed in this manner indefinitely all along the line; and we call thiseducation. "


MORE EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION WITH CHILDREN

Part 1

Robert Elias Najemy

Today we are experiencing an ever-growing communication gap between parents,teachers and the children whom they are responsible for. Only through honest and sincerecommunication can we help our children to become honest, healthy and happyindividuals. Some of the basic concepts of communication expressed in earlier chaptersare repeated here with emphasis on communication with children.

THE BASIS OF COMMUNICATION

The guidelines for effective communication with children are, of course, the same asthose for communication between all human beings.





The basis of communication is the golden rule, "do to others as you would like others todo to you". So we simply need to ask, "how we would like others to communicate withus?" Here are some thoughts:

1. We would all like honesty from all who communicate with us. No one likes being toldlies. Nor do we like people to make up stories and excuses. We would like to hear thetruth about what the other is thinking, feeling or doing. We feel safer, more able to copewith any situation when we know what we are dealing with. The same holds for our children. When we tell them lies, they feel insecure and distrustful of the world aroundthem. They learn to tell lies. There can be no communication in such a case. Although thetruth might not always be the easiest response, it is always the "soul- ution"

2. We all want logical reasoning and explanations from the person who is communicatingwith us. If he or she speaks in an irrational way, or says, "look it will simply be done thisway and I have no intention of explaining to you why; do it that way because I said so,

because I want it that way, although it seems illogical", we will not feel very happy. Wewill feel that the other has no interest in our needs or feelings. We will feel that he or sheis not respecting us. This is the way our children feel when we give orders or makestatements without explaining the reasons behind them.

No child is too young to be spoken to with reason and logic. Even if he or she cannotgrasp all the factors involved, he or she will at least feel respected. That is extremelyimportant.

3. Respect is absolutely essential in communication. We need to respect both ourselvesand the other. That means that on the one hand, we do not suppress that which we want or feel, and on the other, we do not suppress the other. It also means that we do not shout at,criticize or demean the others with harsh words. We would not like to be talked to in thisway. Children are even more sensitive and vulnerable to shouting and harsh words. Their self-image and sense of security are seriously undermined.Respect breeds respect. When we show respect to our children during their early yearsthey will return this behavior in the later years. If we frequently criticize, blame, demeanor speak down to them, we will find that during adolescence, this lack of respect will then be returned to us.

4. We all want to be loved. We want to know that the other person cares for us, acceptsus. It is not necessary for them to agree with us or accept all that we do or believe. Wecan accept each other despite our differences. This kind of unconditional acceptance isessential for open, honest communication. If we feel that the other is going to get angry,reject us or nag me for something which we will tell him or her, then we will likely notcommunicate at all with that person. This is a situation children get into frequently.

When we continuously criticize and advise our children, they gradually stop telling uswhat they are doing. They stop communicating, because whatever they will say will becriticized. Or they may start criticizing us. They start rejecting whatever we say. They



may do this with words or with actions which symbolize rebellion, independence andrejection of our beliefs.

Assurance that there will always be love and acceptance, whatever the one or the other may do, keeps the channel open for honest communication. We are talking about

accepting the being and not every action which he or she may perform. This distinction isimportant. We can express our displeasure or disagreement concerning a particular belief or behavior, while still feeling love and acceptance for the child.

5. Our children look for consistency from their elders. We have discussed this in the previous chapter. When there is no consistency between words and actions, the basis of communication breaks down, because words have no meaning they are empty.

6. Communication is a two way process. We need to learn to speak and to listen. We donot like communicating with someone who talks continuously and does not allow us achance to express ourselves. On the other hand, neither do we like it when we speak and

the other does not respond. A balance is needed. Most of us need to learn to listen more.Children need a sounding board for their thoughts, discoveries and problems. If we arenot capable of listening properly our children will close up and / or find someone else totalk with.

More Effective Communication with Children - Part 2

Robert Elias NajemyHOW WE COMMUNICATE NOW

Let us briefly mention how most people communicate now. There are two basiccategories; those who suppress themselves and do not communicate; and those whosuppress the others by raising their voices, blaming and criticizing the others, orderingthem around in various ways.

The first group of self-suppressors eventually develops various physical and psychological problems, through the suppression of their needs, emotions and beliefs.

The second group may manage to get what they want from the others, but they also causethe others to develop feelings of resentment towards them.

Neither of these methods of communication is effective. What then is the alternative?There is a third possibility in which we communicate the truth and do not suppress our



feelings, beliefs or needs. But we express ourselves without demeaning or blaming theother in anyway. We maintain respect for ourselves and for the other. We neither speak up to nor down towards the other, but rather directly and openly, as two mature adults,who are taking responsibility for their lives and their realities.

This is absolutely essential in our communication with children. Blaming children for our unhappiness seriously undermines their self-image, self-confidence, self-worth and self-love.

SELF-ANALYSIS

Effective communication is not possible without a clear understanding of what we arefeeling. Behind every feeling or emotion there lies a belief conscious or subconscious(usually the latter) which is causing us to have that emotion. That belief could be called a"programming". What we feel is a result of what we believe about what is happening.What we believe is dependent on our childhood experiences, and conclusions. These

affect how we feel in certain situations, and thus they affect how we act towards our children and others.

We need to be able to understand what we are feeling, and why we are feeling that way,so that we can communicate the truth to the child. This is effective communication - thetruth.

Most often we do not communicate the truth. We do not want to lie, but we simply havenot yet discovered the truth. We have not yet analyzed ourselves to discover why we arefeeling the way we are. We have not analyzed our programmings and beliefs to seewhether they are logical or simply learned thoughts, patterns, habits and fears which wehave been programmed into us and which are causing us to mechanically transfer our beliefs, prejudices, fears, and expectations onto our children.

There can be no evolution in this way. And where there is no evolution eventually thereis revolution. When we fail to continue to grow, then we obviously come into conflictwith the forces of change and evolution which are working through our children. Theresult is conflict between us. We are not suggesting that we adopt our childrenÕs beliefsor ways, but rather that we simply do some self-analysis to examine our programmings,needs, motives, expectations and fears to see if they are valid, fair and practical.

EMOTIONS ARE THE RESULT OF OUR INTERPRETATIONS OF REALITY

Our emotions are not so much the function of what others do or what happens in theworld. How we feel is a function of how we interpret the world and events around us.Each person, observing the same event, will feel differently depending on his or her childhood programming, expectations, attachments and fears. No two people will feelexactly the same while observing the same event, or receiving the same stimulus.

What does this have to do with communication? Everything. We communicate what we



feel. This is true even when we try to suppress or hide our feelings. They are transmittedlike radar to those around us without words or expression.

We often fail to express what we really feel. We might express anger and rejection to our children (or others) when in reality we are feeling fear or self-doubt. This is not truthful

communication.Usually our first emotion is self-doubt, disappointment or fear, and then we feel anger.But we express only the anger. We hold the others responsible for our unhappiness. Weuse phrases like "bad boy", "bad girl", "you are lazy", "you are stupid", "you will not doanything in your life", "you will be the death of me", "you are driving me crazy". "youare making me ill.".

These messages, although not really meant, are taken very seriously by children and are programmed into their subconscious mind. They then begin to make those words cometrue. Or they may spend their whole life trying to prove that they are not true. No matter

how much they may prove it, however, they may never succeed in believing that they isokay because they are programmed deep inside to doubt their worth,

Such messages are called "you-messages" and are based on the false idea that the other isresponsible for how we feel. Our programming and expectations are responsible for howwe feel. We create our inner reality with how we interpret the events around us.

"You-messages" are destructive to our childrenÕs self-image and close the door to opencommunication. We may succeed in making our children behave in this way but we willlose our loving contact and cause them to have serious problems. A more effectivemethod of communication is called the "I-message".


Robert Elias Najemy

"I - MESSAGES"

We learned in previous chapters that in the I-message we explain to the child what we arereally feeling and the thoughts, beliefs, expectations, fears and attachments that createthose feelings within us. We communicate:

1. The various emotions which we are having.

2. The beliefs and programmings which are creating these emotions.



3. What stimulus or behavior on the part of the child triggers this mechanism.

4. How we usually act towards the child when we feel that way.

5. What we need and are asking from the child. (Perhaps some help or behavior change.)6. Then we ask the child to explain how he or she feels and we exercise active listening.

Let us take an example. A child brings home low grades. This is the stimulus, the eventwhich is perceived by the parentsÕ senses. Let us examine some of the emotions, whichthe parents might feel with this event. Parents will feel differently depending on their programmings and expectations. One may feel disappointment, insecurity, shame, doubtabout oneself as parent, anger towards the child, anger towards the teachers, inferioritytowards other parents whose children are doing better, concern for the child or even guilt.Some parents may be strongly affected. Others may approach the problem more

rationally and effectively without panic and family crisis. Now what are some of the programmings or beliefs which a parent may have which maycreate some of these emotions. It is important to examine these, because, we may be being controlled by false programmings which may cause us to express anger or rejectiontowards the child, which, in this case, is probably the last thing he or she needs. The childtoo is obviously having a problem. This is a time when he or she needs to feel supportand help in understanding what is preventing him or her from using his or her abilities toa greater extent. Rejection or harsh words will only make the child react more negativelyor close into himself or herself.

I-MESSAGES ABOUT LOW GRADES

So, why is the parent feeling what he feels? What are some of the programmings or beliefs which control his mind?

1. A child must have high grades in order to succeed in the world.

A parent who is programmed in this way will feel fear about the childÕs future andfailure in his role as parent to prepare his child for the world.

Thus his or her "I-message" would be something like this, "John, I would like to talk withyou. I have a problem. I feel responsible for your future. I believe that it is myresponsibility to do whatever I can to help you be successful and happy in your life. I also believe that high grades are essential for your survival and success and happiness in thefuture. Perhaps I am not giving you something which you need. I would really like to talk about this in detail. How do you feel? Is there anything which is bothering you or preventing you from concentrating?

With this kind of "I-message" which leads into active listening in which we help the child



to open up to us, the child is less likely to feel accused or hurt. Thus he or she will notneed to react negatively or close up. There will be a greater possibility of open, honest,effective communication.

At the same time, the parent would do well to examine those programmings which he

has. It is true that success and happiness depend on high grades at school? Does thistheory hold up? Are the highly educated and very rich really happy and healthy? Perhapssome are. Did those who are successful, dynamic, happy, productive members of societyhave high grades or are there other factors involved?

Perhaps higher grades can be had by one who knows how to memorize and be a robot atschool. Does that mean that he or she can think, analyze and communicate with people?Does that mean that he or she is ethical or able to function in our society? Perhaps toomuch importance is being given to one of the many factors that may help our childrensurvive and succeed in life. There are many others which may be much important in our childÕs life such as morality, character, love for others, self-respect, self-confidence,

enthusiasm, creativity, concern for others, and various other talents which the child mayhave.

When we worry and pressure our children on the basis of this one factor, we risk destroying all the others in the conflict that takes place. In general, the most creative andanalytical minds cannot thrive in the mechanized uncreative school system.

2. A second belief a parent may have is that "I am successful if my child is successful andunsuccessful if my child fails."

In this case we might explain this programming to the child. But do we have the right toask the child to conform to some sort of behavior that simply fulfils our subjective programmings and expectations? Why should our children be forced to fulfil our expectations so that we can feel successful? That child may have been born to take acompletely different road, to have other experiences that have nothing to do with our expectations or our definition of success.

We may be defining success with conditions like plenty of money, high professional position, or high social status. But will that particular personality who is now our child behappy in that role? Does money really bring happiness? Do people in high positions seemhappier than others? Are they enjoying life? Are they healthy? Do they have harmonywith those around them? What do we want for our children, success in the eyes of societyor health, happiness and harmony? In some cases they may be able to have all that. Inother cases, they may conflict. We cannot know. There is a small voice in the child thatdoes know.

It is better for our children to decide what they want to do with their lives. Their inner voice will guide them sooner or later to the role that they as souls have come to play onearth.



If we believe that we are successful if our children are successful we need to examine thedifference between efforts and results. As parents our responsible for our efforts andmotives. Not for the results. Parents with many children can verify that although theytreat the different children much in the same way, they react in completely differently. Itseems that each child brings with him or her some already developed traits, which are

independent of their childhood programmings.How we behave towards our children and how we live our lives are extremely importantfactors in our childrenÕs character development. But they are not the only factors. So wecannot judge ourselves based on the results of what happens with our children. We onlyevaluate our motives and efforts. Have our motives been pure? Have we always donewhat we have thought at that time was best for our children (regardless of whether todaywe see that we might have made other choices). Have we always tried to do the best of our ability with the energy and consciousness which we had at every moment in the past?Clarifying this point this will help us be at ease with our conscience, and will free us fromthe need to force our children to succeed in our terms, so that we can feel that we are

successful parents. This is a great weight for our children to carry. We would not like tocarry this weight and we have no right to place it on them.

3. Another belief, cause a parent feel upset with the news of the low grades is, "I musthave the othersÕ acceptance, recognition and respect in order to feel self-acceptance andself-love". If we need recognition from friends and society through our childrenÕs performance at school, then we will feel shame, inferiority, failure and then anger at themfor putting us in that position.

If we in such a case express only our anger and accuse them of being failures and useless,then we not being truthful. We are not expressing our real feelings, which came beforethe anger.

Something that we need to understand is that anger is always a second or third emotion.We feel anger when we first feel fear, insecurity, hurt or guilt. When we are angry we can be sure that somewhere behind that anger we fear something. It may be difficult to find but it is, without doubt, there.

Take the present example. We might have any of the following fears.

1. Fear of rejection or ridicule by friends and relatives whose children may be doing better than ours do.2. Fear of failing in the role of the parent.3. Fear about the childÕs future of the child.4. Fear of losing control over the child.5. Fear of our belief system and expectations being rejected.These fears cause us to feel anger. Thus, the "you- message" to our children that they areno good, is not the complete truth. We need to analyze our own needs for affirmation andapproval from others, our doubt about our abilities as a parent and the various other emotions, which we may have had before we felt anger.



The problem is that these emotions work so quickly and usually subconsciously that wehave difficulty perceiving these emotions which hide behind and create our anger. In suchcases keeping a diary is essential. We can take ten to twenty minutes every evening before sleeping and write down the major emotional experiences of the day. We can

analyze the programmings or beliefs that are causing these emotions. In this way we willgradually gain clarity. (Details about self-analysis are given The Psychology or Happiness.)

We can see that a great part of effective communication is analyzing ourselves. Withoutthis we cannot communicate honestly.


Robert Elias Najemy

ACTIVE LISTENING

Now the child himself obviously has a problem which is not allowing him or her to usehis or her mental abilities to their full potential. The problem could have to do withconflicts within the family, conflicts with other children or with teachers at school,disappointments in love, lack of self-confidence, lack of proper nutrition, a

disillusionment with society and the school system, as well as many other possibilities.In such a case, the most effective method of communication is active listening. Let uslook again at some brief guidelines for active listening.

1) Let the other talk without interruption. Do not break his or her flow with your need to project your own ideas. When we interrupt others, we cut off their flow. This flow may bring to the surface the cause of the problem, which they themselves have not yetdiscovered.

2) Look into the otherÕs eyes and not away. Let your body be facing the person and notsideways. Show interest in what the other is saying, and in this way let him or her knowthat you are listening actively and carefully, and care about what he or she is saying.

3) Do not, in any case, criticize or start giving advice. It is extremely important not tocriticize or disagree or reject during the active listening. At the end of the discussion wemay state how we feel. After the discussion is completed, if we do not agree, we, of course, have the right to state so. But during the active listening do not stop the otherÕsflow with criticism or rejection.



4) Ask questions which help you to understand more clearly what the other is feeling.These question will help both you and the other (in this case, the child) to understandwhat the problem is. You can imagine that you are the other. Imagine how he or she feels,and what is going on in his or her life and you will be guided to the right questions to ask.

Asking questions rather than giving advice may be difficult for some of us in the beginning. It is not easy, but those who have tried it have found it very effective and have been surprised by the results.

In some cases where we might be performing this technique mechanically, the others may be surprised and react negatively, especially if they have learned to receive continualcriticism. But if we persist to show interest, and stop criticizing, at some point the childwill open up. We must also be sensitive about the correct time and place to approach theother. Also a child must never be pushed against his will into discussing something whichhe or she does not want to. Eventually the need to come close to us will help him or her to open to us.

5) We may also affirm whether or not what we have understood from the otherÕscommunication is correct. This technique is used by most psychologists to help a personopen up and get clarity about what he or she is feeling. We simply repeat back to our children what they are telling us in our own words. This helps us to verify that we haveunderstood what they are saying, and helps them to feel that we are accepting what theyis saying. If they feel that we have not understood, they will try to explain to us in adifferent way. This will help all to become clearer about what is bothering each.

These techniques for effective communication can do much to bring harmony and love toour relationships with our children. It is important that parents get started with thissystem immediately. No child is too young to understand this type of communication.

Because these techniques require a whole new way of thinking and communicating, wesuggest that parents and teachers or any individuals who want to master them, seek outseminars which teach these methods with practical workshops.

Remember that the basis for all successful communication is love. Below you will findvarious examples of effective communication for various situations with children.


Robert Elias Najemy

A NOTE FROM THE TEACHER

A twelve-year-old is sent home by a teacher with a note stating that he was speakingloudly, using "filthy" language. What might be the parentsÕ reaction?



One might be, "Come here and explain to me why you want to embarrassyour parents with your filthy mouth". Another would be to simply punishthe child with no discussion. Another might be to degrade the childÕsimage of himself by criticizing him for his various mistakes and faults ingeneral.

All of these express to some extent the feelings that we may have. But theyare not effective communication, because they do not express all ourfeelings and serve only to make the child feel badly, without offering anyopportunity for understanding what the childÕs problem is in reality.

Obviously, the child has some need to speak in that way. He may have someproblem or a need for attention or recognition. When we focus only on ourown embarrassment and fear, and ignore what might be going on in thechild at this time, we lose contact with the child.

The child knows he has made a mistake, but he is unable to deal with theforces, which cause him to act in this way. His way of speaking at schoolwas either an outlet for some inner tension or resentment or an attempt forattention or recognition. We would do better to discuss our feelings aboutthe situation with the child and try to help the child to open up so that wemay discover what is going on in the childÕs mind.

A possible communication might be something like this:

"George, I have a strong need to talk about this note with you. I am veryconcerned both for you and me. I am shocked and surprised, and I mustadmit a bit embarrassed in the eyes of others. But these are my problems.What concerns me most is that I also feel that maybe I have made somemistake in my attitude towards you. I feel somehow responsible for yourbehavior since I am your parent, and I wonder if I am doing a good job ornot in bringing you up the way I do. I would like to try to understand.

"Please explain to me the events which happened at school and what wasthat made you feel the need to speak loudly and in that way. I would alsolike to know if there is something that I do which has contributed towardsyour feeling that you must express yourself in that way. I would also likeyou to tell me if there is anything that I can do to help you to feel morecomfortable and happier".

The child may or may not open up. He may or may not be able tounderstand consciously what his problem is. In most cases, with the help of active listening the child will come to an understanding of what is going onwithin him.

THE MESSY HOUSE



A mother arrives home tired and upset after work and a variety of otherchores. Upon entering the house she finds everything to be in a mess. Shehad asked the children to keep the house clean because there would bevisitors coming over that evening. What kind of message might she give?

Of course she will feel disappointed, let down, ignored, rejected, the victim,and most likely, upset and angry. She might blame the children for being soinconsiderate, irresponsible, for not loving her, for not respecting her. Thistype of blaming will simply reinforce in the childrenÕs minds the idea thatthey are as she has described them - "not okay, not responsible and not tobe trusted". They will then continue to be just that way.


"Children, come and sit down. I want to explain to you some things which

are very important to me. I feel very disillusioned this moment. On the onehand, I feel let down. I was counting on your remembering my request thatyou be careful and keep the house clean and tidy. I am tired and I amworried about receiving these guests this evening. It is important for methat the house be clean when they arrive but I am too tired to do it at thismoment.

"I also doubt whether I am bringing you up the right way when I see, attimes like this, that you do not consider my requests for help andcooperation. I understand that when you play it is easy to forget suchrequests, but I ask you to try harder in the future, because I need your help.Now, I would be interested in your suggesting some way by which we canavoid this happening in the future".

After a discussion takes place as to how such situations could be avoided inthe future, the mother can ask the children to now please help her byputting the place in order and cleaning up so that she can relax and getready for the guests who are coming.

The key to effective communication is to look into ourselves and think about what we are really feeling and express that clearly and openly to theother, without hiding anything and without blaming or intending to hurtthe others. After expressing how we feel, we express what we need and givethe other a chance to express his or her feelings on the subject.


Robert Elias Najemy

THE DAUGHTER ARRIVES HOME LATE



Although their daughter agreed to be home by 12 midnight, she arrives at 1.30 in themorning. The parents are extremely worried that something may have happened to her and are quite relieved when she finally gets home.

What kind of message might they give to the child? They might express their anger at her

disobedience and reject her for being inconsiderate and irresponsible. They mightthreaten her and punish her with the hope that she will obey out of fear in the future.


"Susan, please sit down. We have a great need to discuss with you how we feel aboutyour coming home at 1.30 in the morning, when we had agreed that you be here bymidnight. We have been extremely worried during the last hour and a half. All kinds of possible dangers have passed through our minds as we were waiting for you. We loveyou very much and would not like any harm to come to you. We still feel responsible for your health and well being, and would find it difficult to forgive ourselves if anything

happened to you. We would feel that we had been irresponsible in our roles as parents."It is extremely important for us that we come up with a formula with regard to your evenings out, which would be agreeable to both you and us. We want you to be happy inyour life but also have a need to feel that we are performing our role as parents correctlyand that we are protecting you as well as we can.

"We also need to feel that we are bringing you up in the right way. When you do notrespect your word, we worry about whether we have failed, as parents, to teach you tohonor your word. We are interested in hearing from you what happened and why it is thatyou did not come back by midnight; also, how you believe we should act in this situation.We would like to hear your suggestions as to how we can find a formula for future timeswhen you go out. It is very important for us that we know when you will be arriving andcan be sure that you will be here at that time"

The discussion can then go back and forth as we alternate between I-statementsconcerning our feelings and needs and active listening, in which we listen to the needs of the daughter, until we find some suitable solution.

THE CHILDREN ARE FIGHTING OVER A GAME

When we see our children fighting over a toy, a game, TV program, or any other object,we feel great inner conflict. We feel that both of our children are parts of ourselves, sowhen they are fighting, it is as if two parts of our own being are fighting. We may feelthat we are failing as parents to create harmony in our home. We may feel guilt for that.We may feel angry towards one of the children who is acting more egotistically. We may play the role of the judge and persecutor. We might punish one or both children, withoutdiscussion.

A possible example of communication might be:



"Children, please come and sit down. I want to express to you how I am feeling at thismoment, as I am watching you fight. Each of you is equally a part of me. I feel soconnected with you that whatever happens to you is like it is happening to me. When youfight with one another, I feel great inner conflict. I feel confused. I do not know what to

do. I do not want to take sides. I want you both to be happy. I do not know how to makeyou stop.

"Maybe you could help me so we may together discover what I could do to help you.This will be useful for all of us. There will certainly be times in your lives, in which youwill come into conflict with others around you. This will help us all to see how we canhandle such conflicts in a different way. I would like each of you to think about what it isthat you wanted and could not get from the other, which caused you to get angry and tofight in that way.

"Each will take turns to express what his problem was and we will keep going around

until all of us have said whatever we need to say. I ask that only one rule be kept: whensomeone is talking, that we do not interrupt him but let him conclude that which he istrying to say. If we disagree with him, we can have a chance later to express it. Now, letus begin".

After each child has had a chance to express his or her feelings and opinions, and theopportunity to speak has gone around the circle a number of times and everything has been said, then we can ask for possible solutions as to how we can structure our lives androutine of living so as to avoid similar conflicts in the future. All of these solutions can bewritten down and then discussed. Eventually a combination of the various ideas can beadopted for a trial run to see how it works.

This group method of "brainstorming" for solutions to group problems has the advantagethat each person feels that his or her ideas and needs have been respected in the creationof the solution. Even if our needs are not 100% met, we feel that at least we have beenheard, considered, respected and allowed to participate. Thus our cooperation will bemuch greater and from the heart.

Eventually we can close by asking the children how they would like us to act in suchsituations, if the children, in spite of their efforts, come into conflict again for somereason or other.

The basic obstacle towards such a way of handling conflicts between children is, on theone hand, the lack of time on the part of the parent and, on the other, the lack of ease the parent feels in handling such conflicts. We must learn that conflicts are natural in a worldin which we all have differing needs and ways of seeing things.

We tend to avoid talking openly about conflicts, which just makes them recur more andmore often, because they are never brought out into the open and be solved. Many timesconflicts occur concerning superficial or unimportant matters, when the real problem is



about something else, which has never been discussed. Handling conflicts in this openand honest way gives us a chance to deal with the real personality problems that are behind these superficial conflicts.

Communication is a lost art, one which must be regained through practice and by

breaking free from the ineffective patterns which we have learned from our parents andfrom society.

Effective communication is a process of being constantly aware of what we are reallyfeeling and expressing it openly and honestly without blaming the others for what wefeel. The other aspect of communication is to understand what the other person is feelingand thinking. Without mutual love, respect, understanding and atmosphere of equality,there can be no effective communication.

I again encourage us all to become more efficient in our communication skills, to takeseminars on communication, in which we can practice those techniques under guidance.

It is never too late to make the change. We might be 70 and our child 50 and we may still be caught up in the same old ego games we were 40 years ago. We would do well to freeourselves from these obstacles to love and unity, and thus happiness.

our children's needs

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