overcoming self-defeating behaviors: the outer-child
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I created this presentation for my college course: Overcoming self-defeating behaviors. Hope you enjoy!TRANSCRIPT
The Outer-Child &Overcoming Self-Defeating Behaviors
Kristin PetrucciED PS 5067-090
Overcoming Self-Defeating Behaviors
• What is the outer-child?• Ways we may indulge the outer-child.• How can we overcome self-defeating
behaviors?• Ways to practice self-love and acceptance.• Practice self-love
What is the Outer-child?
• “Impulsive, careless, uncensored part of you that's apt to express itself with little or no regard for possible consequences. So when your outer child heedlessly manifests itself, it can do so in ways that get you into all sorts of trouble, and engender a variety of thorny problems. Problems that serve only to make matters worse and increase your frustrations. After all, it's the most undiscriminating, undisciplined part of you: unruly, demanding, self-indulgent, and unrestrained.” Seltzer(2011)
Inner-child vs. Outer-child Anderson(2011)
• "Outer child is an overarching concept [of self-sabotage] that encompasses defense mechanisms, character traits, knee-jerk reactions, habits and compulsions--all of your maladaptive behavior patterns.“
• "Whereas Inner child is all about feelings, Outer child is all about behavior.“• "Outer child is the selfish, obstinate, impulsive, self-centered part of all of us.“• "Outer wants what Outer wants NOW and overrules you, the adult, in getting it." • "Outer Child is the hidden "Chuckie" of the personality. Even the nicest people we know
can act like an eight-year old with a full blown conduct disorder (perhaps not in public) when they feel rejected, dismissed, abandoned.“
• "Outer child is born of unresolved abandonment. It wreaks havoc in your relationships when it acts out your inner child's primal fear of abandonment.“
• "When your adult self and your inner child are out of alignment, Outer child gains power and acts out your neglected needs and feelings however it wants--to hell with your goals. Bottom line: If your head and heart remain disconnected, you can expect Outer Child to become more and more emboldened to butt into your life.
• "The antidote is to create a deeper [and more loving] internal bond [i.e., between your inner child and adult].“
• Website to help us discover our outer-child: (most common forms of self-sabotage) http://www.outerchild.net/send-your-outer-child-issues
What are different ways that we may indulge the “outer-child”?
Wasting precious time
60% of Americans spend between one and six hours a day viewing content on electronic devices.
Over-Spend
Studio C—New Years Resolutions
“So when your outer child heedlessly manifests itself, it can do so in ways that get you into all sorts of trouble, and
engender a variety of thorny problems. Problems that serve only to make matters worse and increase your frustrations.
After all, it's the most undiscriminating, undisciplined part of you: unruly, demanding, self-indulgent, and unrestrained.”
Leon F. Seltzer, Ph.D. http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/evolution-the-self/
201101/self-sabotage-and-your-outer-child-pt-4-5
In which ways do you indulge your outer-child?
Comfort Zones and Self-Worth Inventory by Dennis WholeySpontaneously respond yes or no to these statements YES NO
I am lovable
Others are lucky to have me as a friend
I am an interesting person
I am fun company
My primary relationship(s) is(are) fairly effortless
I take care of my health, eat and sleep well, and exercise
I am good at my job and enjoy going to work each day
Most of my needs are being met
I am happy
I am a good person
What are three behaviors you do regularly that leave you feeling mad, depressed, deflated, or guilty?
Where do you fit in? Many times we may teeter-totter between different quadrants or self-acceptance. Can you accept that you are not perfect? That you might make mistakes and it is okay?
Ulrich, 2008
“Transforming ourselves” requires an increase in
self-respect and self- love.
HOW DO WE DO THIS?
Flanigan’s 4 stages of self-forgiveness
• Confront the self• Hold the self responsible• Confess flaws• Transform the self
(stages taken from Flanigan's Forgiving Yourself, 1996)
Self-worth
• “Your comfort zone and self-worth go hand in hand. If a constant barrage of negative messages was the legacy of your childhood, those messages form the basis of your comfort zone and may be running your life today.” (Dennis Wholey)
Practice Self-appreciation
• “If I loved myself would I?”
• “Puffs of appreciation”
(Dr. Eva Selhub)
Gratitude for self and others• “Gratitude is the best approach to life in that it leads to enduring
happiness. I would also argue that it is the truest approach to life.” (Emmons 2007)
• Keep a Gratitude Journal: “When we are grateful we affirm that a source of goodness exists in our lives.” (Emmons 2007)
• In an experimental comparison, those who kept gratitude journals on a weekly basis exercised more regularly, reported fewer physical symptoms, felt better about their lives as a whole, and were more optimistic about the upcoming week compared to those who recorded hassles or neutral life events (Emmons & McCullough, 2003).
What if you started each day with someone saying this to
you?
• WHO YOU ARE
Challenge!• For the next week, choose a self-defeating
behavior to work on: Write down the behavior that sabotages you. Write down something you can do to replace that behavior.
Example: Watching TV 2 hours a day—Replace with—walk on treadmill or exercise if I am watching TV.• Practice self-appreciation: Take a moment
each day to practice: puffs of appreciation• Let’s practice now!
References:• Leon F. Seltzer, Ph.D. ”Evolution of the Self, on the Paradoxes of Personality” http://
www.psychologytoday.com/blog/evolution-the-self/201101/self-sabotage-and-your-outer-child-pt-4-5 • “Who You Are” http://youtu.be/M2hztv3FwCc • Studio C “New Years Resolutions” http://youtu.be/jV5JFEmLbjM• Eva M. Selhub, M.D. “Maintain Self Care Despite Stress” http://
abclocal.go.com/kgo/video?id=6815452&pid=null • Robert A. Emmons, Ph.D. (2007) “Thanks: How the new science of gratitude can make you happier” • Emmons, R. A., & McCullough, M. E. (2003). Counting blessings versus burdens: Experimental studies of
gratitude and subjective well-being in daily life. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology• Diane Ulrich (2004) Diagram “Responses to Weakness” • http
://techland.time.com/2011/11/24/how-many-hours-a-day-would-you-guess-people-watch-electronic-devices/#ixzz2mZxizOZz
• http://wellbeingwire.meyouhealth.com/physical-health/report-68-2-million-people-in-u-s-are-sedentary/#sthash.cmWcSoOT.dpuf
• http://www.outerchild.net/send-your-outer-child-issues • Anderson, Susan (2011) “Taming Your Outer Child: A Revolutionary Program to Overcome Self-
Defeating Patterns”• Clip-Art Office.com • Wholey, Dennis “Why Do I Keep Doing That?: Breaking the negative patterns in your life”