paul w. powell tyler, texas - baylor university | a nationally
TRANSCRIPT
Paul W. PowellTyler, Texas
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"Published by the Texas Baptist Leadership Center, Inc.
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All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means,electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrievalsystem, without prior written permission from the publisher.
© Copyright 2000Paul W. Powell
5603 Elderwood DriveTyler, Texas 75703
Printed in the United States
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Dedicated To
Milton CunninghamRussell DildayRichard JacksonPhil Lineberger
Four fun preachers, who like a funny story.
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Contents
Foreword ....................................................................... 7
Introduction .................................................................. 9
1. Favorites ................................................................ 11
2. General .................................................................. 43
3. Age ......................................................................... 65
4. Bible Knowledge .................................................. 71
5. Conflict .................................................................. 75
6. Deacons ................................................................. 79
7. Denominations ..................................................... 81
8. Education .............................................................. 85
9. Health .................................................................... 89
10. Introductions ........................................................ 93
11. Marriage and the Home...................................... 95
12. Preachers ............................................................. 103
13. Sports ................................................................... 109
14. Stewardship - Giving ........................................ 115
15. Texas .................................................................... 121
16. Travel ................................................................... 125
Foreword
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A church was considering as interim pastor a youngpreacher who was known for his use of humor in the pulpit.When his name was mentioned in a committee meeting, adistinguished seminary professor within the churchquestioned aloud whether the young man possessedsufficient dignity for the task. He asked if the preacherrecognized the âgravityâ of filling the esteemed pulpit. Adeacon in that same meeting pounded his fist on the tableand retorted, âWeâve had enough gravity around here. Itâstime to laugh.â
Just as surely as the Bible reveals that there is anappointed season for weeping, there is indeed âa time tolaugh.â (Ecclesiastes 3:1) I discovered some years ago thatany time spent with Paul Powell, listening with delight tohis humorous illustrations, is a âtime to laugh.â
No pastor within recent Baptist life has been moreappreciated by other pastors for his humor, insight andcourage than Paul Powell. No doubt, it was his gift forhumor coupled with his outstanding leadership ability thatenabled him to help build the great Green Acres BaptistChurch of Tyler. His wonderful stories amused us all, andthey did not stop when he assumed the presidency of theSouthern Baptist Annuity Board. Itâs worth noting that hismarvelous ability to tell humorous stories never diminishedour respect for him or our confidence that the AnnuityBoard was in good hands.
Every successful preacher learns that peopleappreciate humor, and they learn from humor. When
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people laugh, they become more open to new insights andunderstanding. And a humorous story used at anappropriate time can serve to ease a tense situation.Effective leaders know how to help people laugh. I amgrateful to Paul Powell for sharing these stories with churchleaders and to the Texas Baptist Leadership Center, Inc.,for making this book possible.
Dr. Charles WadeExecutive DirectorBaptist General Convention of Texas
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IntroductionThrough the years I have been fascinated by the differences
between human beings and other animals. One of the differencesthat first impressed me is the fact that man is the only creaturewho both laughs and cries because heâs the only one who knowsthe difference between the way things are and the way thingsought to be.
The ability to laugh is therefore one of the things that set usapart from the rest of the animal kingdom and is one of the wayswe are like God.
Does God laugh? Oh, yes! We are told so many times inscripture. Look at some of them: âHe that sitteth in the heavensshall laughâ (Psalm 2:4). âThe Lord shall laugh at him (thewicked): for he seeth his day is coming. (Psalm 37:13); and, âThou,0 Lord, shalt laugh at them; thou shalt have all the heathen inderision.â (Psalm 59:8).
Not only does God laugh but the scriptures tell us we shouldlaugh also. They say, âA merry heart doeth good like a medicineâ(Proverbs 17:22). And, âTo everything there is a season, and atime to every purpose under the heaven: ... a time to weep, and atime to laugh. (Ecclesiastes 3.1)
Laughter is important for many reasons. For one thing, it'sa sign of a healthy self image. Dr. John Newport, long timeSouthwestern Theological Seminary professor, said that neitherfanatics nor dictators can laugh at themselves. Both are tooinsecure. Some preachers are the same way. They act like theyare so holy they would never take anything but âSt. Josephâsâaspirin. Yet, through the years, some of our most effectivepreachers have had a great sense of humor - J.D. Cirray, HerschelHobbs, and the renowned preacher of London, Charles HaddonSpurgeon to name a few. Spurgeon loved life; his favorite soundwas laughter. In the pulpit he often leaned back, roaring loudlyover something he found amusing. When fellow clergymen,incensed by Spurgeonâs humorous bent, railed against him, heresponded with a chuckle: âIf only you knew how much I holdback, you would commend me. This preacher thinks it less acrime to cause a momentary laughter than a half-hour ofprofound slumber.â
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Paul W. Powell âą 5603 Elderwood âą Tyler, TX 75703Phone: (903) 561-8135 âą Fax (903) 561-2594 âą e-mail: [email protected]
How great was Spurgeonâs humor? Addressing a preachingclass on the importance of coordinating facial expressions andspeech, he advised, âWhen you speak of heaven, let your facelight up, let it be radiated with a heavenly gleam, let your eyesshine with reflective glory. But when you speak of hell - well,your ordinary face will do.â
Itâs especially important for us to laugh at ourselves. Wecanât take the Lordâs work too seriously, but we can take ourselvestoo seriously. And humor, when used correctly, can be a greattool in communicating. It has long been recognized as one ofthe best ways to build speaker - audience rapport. It breaks downbarriers, builds trust, and creates an atmosphere of response.Herb Gardner said, âOnce you get people laughing, they arelistening and you can tell them almost anything.â
Humor can help us preserve our sanity. Victor Frankl, theSwiss psychiatrist, who endured the atrocities of a Naziconcentration camp, spent considerable time studying the livesof people who had survived these prisons. In his book, ManâsSearch For Meaning, he wrote, âI learned that the people who weremost likely to survive were those who had a sense of humor,â
Itâs hard to imagine anything amusing happening in aconcentration camp. And itâs often hard to find much amusingin some deaconâs meetings. But the people who survive andthrive in the ministry as well as those who survive concentrationcamps, are those who keep their sense of hurnor. Itâs one of thequalities of a good leader and a good healthy self image.
And finally, humor can also be used effectively to illustratea point. I have often used humor for this purpose. One of thevalues of this book, perhaps the primary value, is to that end. Itcontains the best stories I have been able to collect over the years.I have tried to give at least one application for each story andshow how it can be used to illustrate a point. And, if nothingelse they can serve as a way to laugh at ourselves. I hope youhave as much fun telling these stories as I have. Good stories,like good music are timeless. So tell them and tell them again.Your audience will enjoy them every time.
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1Favorites
1. Jesus - Our Friend
A church had a pompous preacher they wanted to getrid of. They prayed that he would leave. Theyrecommended him everywhere. But no one would call him.
Finally he received a call to be a pastor in another place.The Sunday he resigned he said, âWhen I came here fiveyears ago, Jesus led me here. And now Jesus is leading meaway.â
When he was finished the chairman of the deaconsstood and said, âLetâs all sing, âWhat a Friend We Have inJesus.ââ
Application: We do have a friend in Jesus.
2. A Poor Preacher
A preacher was speeding down the highway and wasstopped by a highway patrolman. As the patrolman waspreparing to write a ticket, the minister, hoping to appealto his sympathy, said, âOfficer, I hope youâll show memercy. I am a poor preacher.â The officer responded, âYes,I know, I heard you last Sunday.â
Application: Some things are obvious.
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3. Insecurity
A minister was uneasy about his church situation. Hesaid, âWhen I went there six months ago they didnât putmy name on the church sign. They hung it on a shinglebeneath the sign, and they didnât paint it on. They wrote itin chalk. Now, for the past three weeks, the chairman ofthe deacons has been sitting on the front row and tossingan eraser back and forth in his hands.â
Application: Thereâs not much security in todayâsworld.
4. Women Preachers
When the new minister arrived â the first female forthis congregation â the deacons debated whether to carryon the welcoming ritual and take her fishing. There wassome disagreement, but in the end tradition prevailed.
As the boats moved out in the pre dawn darkness, thepastor realized she had not dressed warmly enough forthis expedition. She shivered in silence for a time, butfinally decided this is foolish. Not wanting to betroublesome to her boat mates, she gently stepped out ofthe boat, walked across the water toward the landing toretrieve an extra wrap, and then returned. Everybodywatched, wide-eyed, but no one said a thing.
At least, not until the next morning, when several ofthe grumblers sat sipping coffee at the cafe with friends.The new reverend was the topic of conversation.
âNot only are we stuck with a woman preacher,â saidone of the men, âbut weâve got one that canât even swim!â
Application: Nobodyâs perfect. We all haveweaknesses.
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5. The Perfect Pastor
Sometime ago I read a letter that described the perfectpastor. It was a takeoff on a chain letter. It read:
âThe perfect pastor preaches exactly twenty minutes.He condemns sin, but never hurts anyoneâs feelings. Heworks from 8:00 a.m. until midnight, and he is also thechurch janitor.
âThe perfect pastor makes $100 a week, wears goodclothes, drives a good car, and donates $50 a week to thechurch. He is forty years old and has thirty yearsexperience. The perfect pastor makes fifteen house calls aday but is always in his office.
âIf your pastor does not measure up, send this letterto six other churches that are also dissatisfied with theirpastor, and then bundle your pastor and send him to thechurch at the top of the list. In one week you will receive1,643 pastors and one of them should be perfect for yourchurch.
âHave faith in this letter. One church broke the chainand got its old pastor back in three months.â
Application: Be good to your pastor. Heâd be hard toreplace.
6. Encouragement from Wife
Preachers are like athletes, they have good days andbad days. There are days when they strike out and dayswhen they hit a home run.
Recently a preacher at a convention had a good day.He felt as though he had âknocked their socks off.â On theway to the hotel from the convention center, he said to hiswife, âHoney, how many R-E-A-L-L-Y great preachers doyou think there are in America?â
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She replied, âI donât know, but thereâs one less thanyou think.â
Application: Our wives can put us in our place whenthey want to. Most of us arenât as great aswe think we are.
7. Visitation Gets Results
A young pastor had rung the doorbell at the home ofone of his parishioners and was waiting to be received, butno one came to the door. He sensed that someone was athome, but repeated ringing of the bell brought no response.He went around to the back, walked through the garden,and rang the back doorbell several times. As a finaldeparting act he wrote Revelation 3:20 on the back of oneof his calling cards and stuck it under the door. When thelady of the house read it, it said: âBehold, I stand at thedoor and knock; if any-one hears my voice and opens thedoor, I will come in.â
The next Sunday, as the lady left the church, shehanded him a calling card with Genesis 3:10 written on it.When he looked up the text, it read: âI heard Thy voice inthe garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked: and Ihid myself.â
Application: You can have some interesting experiencesvisiting for the church.
8. I Donât Want to Go To Church
A mother knocked on her sonâs door one Sundaymorning and said, âGet up, honey, itâs time to get readyfor church.â
The boy responded, âOh, mother, I donât want to go to
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church today. Just let me sleep.âThe mother replied, âI donât care what you want. Get
yourself out of bed, get dressed, and get down to church.âHe responded, âMother, I donât want to go! Those
people down there donât like me, and I donât like them.Just the other day I was walking down the hall and aroundthe corner I heard some people talking about me. And,Mother, they were saying some awful things. Donât makeme go.â
The mother responded, âI donât care about all that. Youget yourself up. Youâre going.â
The boy responded, âWhy, Mother? Why?âAnd she said, âFor two reasons. First, youâre forty-
five years old. And, second, youâre the pastor and theyâreexpecting you down there.â
Application: Some of you didnât want to be here todaybut Iâm glad you came. There are timeswhen all of us feel no one likes us.
9. Preachers â Donât Pay Any Attention toCritics
A guest preacher stood at the back door with the pastorto greet the people as they left church. A man stopped andsaid to him, âThat sermon was terrible. The worst I haveever heard in my life.â In just a few moments he camethrough the line again, and this time he said, âThat sermonwas so bad, your wife could have done better.â Then hecame back in line a third time. This time he said, âThatsermon was so bad, I could have done better myself.â
The guest was astounded. He turned to the pastorand asked, âDo you have any idea what that man has beensaying to me?â The pastor responded, âDonât pay any
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attention to him. Heâs the village idiot and he just goesaround repeating what other people are saying.â
Application: When criticism comes, consider the source.
10. Remembering Names
I feel like the young preacher who had just gone to anew pastorate. His picture had been in the newspaper, inthe church mail-outs, and he was on television. So hethought everyone in town should know him.
He went to the nursing home to visit an elderlymember of his congregation. As he walked down the hallshe was sitting in a wheelchair outside her room. Hewalked up to her with a smile on his face, stuck out hishand, and said, âDo you know who I am?â She replied,âNo, but if youâll ask the lady at the nurseâs station, shemay be able to tell you.â
Application: I hope youâll help me know your name.
11. Showing Life
A 90-year-old man asked an 80-year-old woman outon a date. The lady lived with her children and they werea bit apprehensive about her going. Before she left thedaughter made her promise she would be home promptlyat 10:30.
Ten thirty came and they were not home. Elevenoâclock came and they still had not returned. The daughterand son-in-law were married. Finally, at 11:15 they camehome.
The daughter asked her mother, âHow did things go?âShe replied, âJust fine. But, I had to slap him three times.â
The daughter responded, âBecause he got fresh with
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you?â âNo,â replied the mother, âto see if he was still alive.â
Application: I hope youâll be on time so we wonât worryabout you.
12. Optimism
The most optimistic person I know was an 85-year-old man who married a 35-year-old woman andimmediately began looking for a larger house near anelementary school. Thatâs optimism.
Application: Stay optimistic all your life.
13. Hard of Hearing
A man said to his friend, âI bought me a new hearingaid last week and it is wonderful.â
His friend responded, âOh, what kind is it?âThe man (looking at his watch) said, âItâs a quarter till
three.â
Application: I hope you can hear this.
14. Short Sermon
A preacher preached a sermon much shorter thanusual. When he was finished he apologized, saying, âI havethis dog who has a mania for paper. He loves paper. And,anytime we leave a piece laying around he eats it. Well,last night I was studying my sermon when the phone rang.I laid the sermon down to answer the phone and when Icame back the dog had eaten half of it.â
Following the close of the service, as the parishionersleft the church, one man stopped and said, âPastor, youdonât know me. I'm a visitor. I was passing through your
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city today and stopped to worship. But, I have a request tomake of you. If that dog of yours ever has pups, I wantone for my preacher.â
Application: Thereâs no such thing as a bad shortsermon. I hope you wonât mind my beingbrief today.
15. Iâve Heard Them, Shoot Me First
A pastor, minister of music, and deacon chairman wereon a mission trip to the jungles of South American whentheir plane went down. All three survived the crash, butthey were immediately surrounded and captured by agroup of bandits. The leader of the group said, âIâm goingto shoot all three of you. But, before I shoot you, Iâm goingto give you one last request.â
He turned to the pastor and said to him, âWhat is yourrequest?â He replied, âI have one sermon I have preachedall over the world. Wherever I go, people ask me to preachthat sermon. It takes one hour to deliver it. Iâd like topreach that sermon one last time.â The leader of the banditssaid, âYour request will be granted.â
He turned to the minister of music and said, âWhat isyour request?â The minister of music said, âI am a greatsinger. Iâm in demand all over the world. And, my favoriteoratorio is âElijah.â It takes me one hour to sing all the soloparts to âElijah.â Iâd like to sing that oratorio one last time.âAnd again, the leader of the bandits said, âYour requestwill be granted.â
He then turned to the chairman of the deacons andasked, âWhat is your request?â He replied, âIâve heardboth the sermon and the solo. Shoot me first.â
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Application: You may have heard this before, but listenagain. I donât keep records because I neverexpect to get invited back.
16. Your Sermons Mean a lot
A lady came out of church one Sunday and said to thepreacher, âYour sermons have meant so much to myhusband since he lost his mind.â
Application: Preachers hear some strange things.
17. False Humility
A lady came out of church Sunday and said, âPastor,your sermon was wonderful.â Trying to appear humble,he said, âThank the Lord.â She replied, âIt wasnât thatgood.â
Application: Stay humble so you donât stumble.
18. Sleeping in Church
In the days of the Puritans, when worship serviceslasted for hours and churches were not air conditioned,worshippers sometimes found it difficult to stay awake theentire service. So, churches had a man who often walkedthrough the congregation with a long pole with a glass knobon the end. When worshippers began to nod, he wouldreach over with the pole, and using the glass knob, givethem a solid thump on the head.
One Sunday he thumped a nodding worshipper onthe head, the man raised up, shook his head, and said, âHitme again, I can still hear him.â
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Application: Sometimes itâs hard to stay awake inchurch.
19. You Get What You Pay for in Life
A preacher went to the grocery store owned by one ofhis members. He ordered a loaf of bread but he was tencents short. The owner said, Thatâs all right preacher, Iâlltake it out in preaching.â
A little annoyed, the preacher said, âBut I donât haveany ten cent sermons.â
âThatâs okay,â he said, âIâll come hear you twice.â
Application: You get what you pay for in life.
20. Denominational Leader
The Lord stood beside a road one day when presentlyalong came a man limping. The Lord said to him, âWhatâsthe matter my son?â The man replied, âI am crippled, Lord,and I cannot walk.â
So, the Lord touched his legs, healed him, and he wenton his way rejoicing.
Presently, along came a man staggering from side toside. The Lord said to him, âWhatâs the matter, my son?âThe man replied, âI am blind, Lord, and I cannot see.â
The Lord touched his eyes, restored his sight, and hewent on his way rejoicing.
Then, along came a man weeping. The Lord said tohim, âWhatâs the matter, my son?â The man replied, âI ama denominational servant.â (Or school superintendent . . .or mayor, etc.)
And the Lord sat down and wept with him.
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Application: This is not the best of times to be indenominational work.
21. Same Old Crowd
The local Baptist church burned down and thecongregation contracted with a local tavern to hold servicesin their facilities until a new church building could beerected. On Saturday night, after the festivities, churchmembers would clean up the tavern, rearrange thefurniture, and prepare for Sunday morning. The tavernhad a talking parrot to entertain its guests.
One Saturday night the cleanup crew failed to removethe parrot. The next morning the choir came in and theparrot said, â I see we have a new chorus line.â Thepreacher came in and the parrot said, âI see we have a newbartender.â Then the congregation came in and the parrotsaid, âYea, but itâs the same old crowd.â
Application: Itâs good to see you back. Iâm glad to beback with you again.
22. Enthusiasm
I leave some worship services feeling like the little boywho went to âbig churchâ for the first time. On the wall ofthe sanctuary hung a plaque in memory of the young menof that congregation who had died in the armed services.The plaque captured the boyâs attention. In the middle ofthe service he whispered to his mother, âWhatâs that for?â
Hoping to quiet him with the answer she replied, âIthas been placed there in memory of the young men whodied in the services.â
The little boy responded, âWhich service did they die
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in, the morning service or the evening service?â
Application: Some church services are so dull and deada person could die in them and no onewould know it until the service was over.
23. Jesus is the Answer
A minister delivering the childrenâs sermon in churchasked, âBoys and girls, what lives in a tree, eats nuts, andhas a long, bushy tail?â
One little boy responded, âPreacher, I know the answeris Jesus, but it sure sounds like a squirrel to me.â
Application: Jesus is not the answer for everything.
24. Invitations
At the invitation a nice looking middle-aged man cameforward to join the church. He was introduced to thecongregation and then the people came by to greet him.One of our middle-aged ladies said, as she greeted him,âYou look just like my fifth husband.â He responded, âMysoul! How many husbands have you had?â She replied,âFour.â
Application:Preachers see and hear some amusingthings.
25.Enthusiasm in Church
One young man came into a formal congregation andsat on the front row. He was enthusiastic and expressive.After the first hymn, he said, âAmen.â Then, followingthe solo, he shouted, âPraise the Lord!â When the preachermade his opening remark, he declared, âPreach on!â
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Finally, one of the deacons who could stand it no more saidto the visitor, âSir, you are going to have to be quiet.â
âBut you donât understand,â said the visitor, âI canâthelp it. Iâve got religion.â âWell,â responded the deacons,âI donât care what youâve got, you didnât get it here!â
Application: Itâs OK to say amen here. I donât want tobe as quiet as some Christians are untilIâm in the cemetery.
26. Motivation for Giving
A minister passed the collection plate in hiscongregation and did not receive as large an offering as heexpected. So, he said to the congregation, âIâm going topass the plates again, and if I donât get a $20 bill Iâm goingto tell who I saw out with somebody elseâs wife last night.â
He passed the plates again, and got three $20âs andone $10 with a note attached, âDonât tell, Iâll pay the restnext week.â
Application: Around here we donât try to motivate byintimidation.
27. Father Forgive Them
One young pastor was talking with an older ministerabout the challenges he would face in the ministry. Onechallenge that especially fascinated the young pastor wasthe wedding ceremony. He listened carefully as the oldminister outlined each step he should take. In conclusion,the wise advisor said, âIf you ever forget what to say, justquote scripture. Thatâs always appropriate at a wedding.â
Shortly thereafter the young pastor had theopportunity to test his newly gained knowledge when a
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young couple requested that he perform their ceremony.Everything went according to plan until that point of theservice where the young pastor was to pronounce themhusband and wife. At that point his mind went blank andhe couldnât remember what to say next. Heeding the adviseof the older pastor, he quoted scripture. Unfortunately, theonly scripture that came to mind was, âFather, forgive themfor they know not what they do.â
Application: We all need forgiveness at times.
28. Pouting
A husband and wife drove for miles in silence after aterrible argument in which neither would budge. Thehusband pointed to a mule in a pasture.
âRelative of yours?â he asked.âYes,â she replied. âBy marriage.â
Application: Sometimes itâs best to let your mate havethe last word.
29. Married the Wrong Person
I sat on a plane next to a man who had his weddingring on his index finger. I said, âSay, fellow, youâve gotyour ring on the wrong finger.â He replied, âYes, I know, Imarried the wrong woman.â
Application: We all make mistakes. You can have someunusual experiences flying.
30. Showing Affection
A man took his wife to the doctor. After carefulexamination the doctor could find nothing physically
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wrong with her. They sat in his study and she stared athim with a glassy, faraway look in her eye. Finally, afterabout 30 minutes of counseling he got up, walked aroundthe desk, lifted her out of the chair, and gave her a kiss thattook her breath away.
He then turned to her husband and said, âSir, thatâswhat your wife really needs more than anything else. Iprescribe that for her three times a week for the next 30days.â The man said, âWell, Doc, Iâm a traveling salesmanand Iâm out of town a lot. But I can bring her in Mondays,Wednesdays, and Fridays.â
Application: Be sensitive and affectionate to your mate.
31. Jogging to Solve Problems
A man went to a counselor who was a joggingenthusiast to discuss his marital problems. The counselorfelt the man was uptight and needed desperately to unwindbefore he could deal realistically with them. So, hesuggested that the man run 10 miles a day for two weeksand then give him a call.
Two weeks later the man called the counselor back.The counselor asked, âHow are you doing?â The manreplied, âJust fine.â The counselor then asked, âHave youbeen doing your jogging?â The man replied, âYes, I have.Just like you suggested. Ten miles a day for the past 14days.â The counselor then asked, âHowâs your wife?â Theman replied, âHow should I know? Iâm 140 miles awayfrom home.â
Application: Iâve been running lately. You canât runaway from your problems.
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32. Retirement is not so hot
The first day of retirement I asked my wife, âHowwould you like to get up and fix me a hot breakfast?â Shesaid, âIâll tell you what . . . why donât you set your raisinbran on fire.â
Application: Retirement is not all its cooked up to be.
33. Thank the Lord, My Prayer is Answered
A deacon and a preacher each owned a parrot. Andeach bird knew only two words. The only words thedeaconâs parrot could say were, âLetâs kiss.â And the onlything the preacherâs parrot could say was, âLetâs pray.â
Each worked and worked to increase the vocabularyof his bird, but all their efforts were in vain. All the deaconâsparrot could say was, âLetâs kiss.â And all the preacherâsparrot would say was, âLetâs pray.â
Finally, one of them suggested, âWhy donât we putour birds together in the same cage and maybe they canlearn from one another.â So, they brought them together,put them in the same cage and left the room. When theydid, the deaconâs parrot said, âLetâs kiss.â The preacherâsparrot replied, âThank the Lord, my prayer has finally beenanswered.â
Application: Persistency in prayer pays.
34. Knowing the Lordâs Prayer
Two men, neither of whom were very religious, weretalking one day and somehow the conversation turnedtoward religion. One of them said, âI just love the Lordâsprayer.â His friend replied, âOh, I didnât know you knewit.â
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âOh, yes,â he said, âIâve known it since I was a child.âHis friend responded, âI donât believe you. In fact, I betyou five dollars you canât quote it for me.â
The friend replied, âOkay, Iâll take that bet.â Then hestarted, âAs I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord mysoul to keep. If I should die before I wake, I pray the Lordmy soul to take.â
His friend handed him the five dollar bill and said,âYou win. I sure didnât think you knew it.â
Application: Some people donât know as much aboutprayer as they think.
35. I Hope Youâve Had a Good Day
A man walked into a barber shop one day and thebarber said to him, âHave you had a good day?â The mansaid, âI sure have. I entered a sales contest at my officeand won first prize.â
The barber responded, âYou did? What did you win?âThe man replied, âI won a free trip to Rome, Italy.â
The barber said to him, âRome is the worst city in theworld to visit. Everything is unclean and the people areunfriendly. You are going to have a miserable time.â
The barber then asked, âHow are you going to getthere?â The man replied, âIâm flying TWA.â The barberresponded, âThatâs the worst airline in the world. Youâreliable to get out over the Atlantic and have the wings falloff of that thing.â
The barber then asked, âWhere are you going to staywhen you get to Rome?â The man replied, âAt theIntercontinental Hotel.â The barber responded, âThatâs theworst hotel in Rome. The food is terrible and the service isworse.â Then the barber said, âI suppose youâre going to
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try to see the Pope while youâre there?â The man replied,âSure, I am.â
The barber then said, âThatâs the worst idea of all.There will be hundreds of thousands of people there. Ifthe Pope is even in town, heâll be so far away you wonâteven be able to recognize him.â
To say the least, that conversation dampened the spiritsof the man for the rest of that day. However, he made histrip to Rome and met his barber on the street about a monthlater. The barber asked him, âHow did your trip to Romego?â
The man said, âIt was great. Rome is the finest cityIâve ever visited and the people were the nicest Iâve evermet.â The barber said, âIs that right? Well, how about thattrip over on TWA?â The man replied, âIt was as smooth assilk. It was like sitting in my lounge chair in my livingroom.â The barber said, âIs that right? Well, how aboutthat Intercontinental Hotel?â
The man replied, âThatâs the finest hotel Iâve everstayed in in my life. The food was delicious and the servicewas better.â
The barber then said, âIs that right? Well, how aboutthe Pope? Did you see the Pope?â The man replied, âYes,I saw the Pope. Whatâs more, I had a personal audiencewith the Pope.â The barber replied, âYou did?â The mansaid, âYes, I did. And, whatâs more, during that audiencethe Pope leaned over, put his hands on my head, andwhispered in my ear.â
The barber said, âHe did! What did he say?â The manreplied, âHe said, âThatâs the worst haircut Iâve ever seenin my life.ââ
Application: Be careful of criticism. It will come backon you.
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36. We All Make Mistakes
A man was seated at a banquet next to a nice-looking,middle-aged lady, whom he did not know. He noticed thename card at her plate said âEmily Post.â So, he leanedover to her and asked, âAre you Emily Post?â
She replied, âI am.âHe said, âAre you the Emily Post?âShe replied, âYes, I am.âHe said, âAre you the Emily Post who wrote the book
on etiquette?âShe replied, âYes, I am. Why do you ask?âHe replied, âYou just ate my salad.â
Application: Go easy on yourself, we all makemistakes.
37. People Saying Strange Things
A lady bought a parrot from a pet shop, took it home,and put it in a cage. After a while, the parrot let out astring of curse words that would blister your eardrums. Itembarrassed the lady to no end. She scolded the bird,saying, âListen, you, we donât talk that way around here.And, if I ever hear those words again you will pay forthem.â
It wasnât long until something else happened and onceagain the parrot let out a string of profanity the womancould hardly believe. She opened the door of the cage,grabbed the parrot around the neck, took him to the deepfreeze, threw him inside, and slammed the door shut. Sheleft the bird there for 30 minutes. When she took him outhe was frozen stiff.
She put him back in the cage, let him thaw out, andthen said, âNow, you see I mean business. If I ever hear
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words like that from you again, something worse is goingto happen to you. Now, do you have any questions?â
The bird responded, âYes, what did that turkey in theresay?â
Application: There are some turkeys saying somestrange things out there.
38. A Chance to Witness
A wino boarded a bus and sat next to a nun. His hairwas mussed up, his clothes were wrinkled, and his breathwreaked of alcohol. He opened the newspaper andproceeded to read. Presently he turned to the nun andasked, âSister, what causes arthritis?â
The sister thought, this is a good opportunity to witnessso she replied, âSin. Pure and simple, sin. Drinkingwhiskey, smoking big, long, black cigars and carousing.Why do you ask?â
The man replied, âI just read here in the paper that thePope has arthritis.â
Application: I hope youâre feeling OK today. I hopeyour arthritis is not bothering you.
39. Quick Thinking - What Position Does ShePlay?
A man walked up to the assistant manager of theProduce Department at the grocery store and told him hewanted to buy half of a tomato. The assistant managerrepeated, âA half of a tomato?â and the man said, âyes.â
The assistant manager went to the back where themanager was and said, âSome jerk up there wants to buyhalf of a tomato . . .â and then realized that the man had
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followed him to the back and was standing right behindhim. So he added, âAnd this nice fellow will buy the otherhalf!â
The next day the manager called the assistant managerin and told him, âI liked the way you handled that awkwardsituation yesterday so well that I am going to move you toRockport to become manager of that store!â
The assistant manager said, âRockport?! I donât wantto move to Rockport! The only people who live in Rockportare prostitutes and old baseball players!â The managersaid, âHow dare you! My mother lives in Rockport!â Theassistant manager promptly answer, âIs that right? Whatposition does she play?â
Application: It pays to think fast.
40. Making Comparisons
There were once two brothers who were the sorriestmen in three counties. There was not anything they wouldnot do. They lied, cussed, fought, cheated, drank, andchased women. They did it all.
In the passing of time, one brother died. The survivingbrother asked the local Baptist minister to conduct hisbrotherâs funeral. The minister replied, âOh, I couldnât dothat. Everyone knows how sorry you two boys have lived.Thereâs not anything you wouldnât do. You lied, cussed,fought, drank, stole, and chased women. I just canât doyour brotherâs funeral service.â
The brother said, âPreacher, youâve just got to do this.And, whatâs more, if somewhere in the funeral sermon youwill manage to say my brother was a real saint, Iâm goingto pay you $1,000.â The preacher replied, âWell, I didnâtrealize you wanted that kind of service. I think I can help.â
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The day of the funeral arrived and the church waspacked to overflowing. People wanted to hear what thepreacher would say about the deceased. When he stood topreach, the pastor said, âAll of you know how sorry thisman has lived. Thereâs not anything he wouldnât do. Helied, cussed cheated, stole, fought, drank, and chasedwomen. He did it all. But, compared to his brother overthere, he was a real saint.â
Application: Youâve just got to make the rightcomparison.
41. Iâve Always Wanted To
An old prospector rode into town one day and hitchedhis mule to the hitching rail in front of the saloon. Threeyoung cowpokes were standing on the porch and one ofthem decided to have some fun with the old prospector.So they pulled out their six shooters and said, âOld man,we want to see you dance.â Then they began to fire theirguns at his feet. As the dust kicked up around him, hebegan to dance a jig. They kept it up until they had emptiedtheir six shooters. Then, as they began to reload, the oldprospector turned around and pulled a double-barreledshotgun off his muleâs pack. He cocked both hammers,put the barrel of the shotgun under the nose of the leadcowboy and said, âSon, have you ever kissed a mule?â Theyoung boy replied, âNo sir, but I have always wanted to.â
Application: Iâve always wanted to do this.
42. Hard of Hearing
A man who was having trouble hearing went to thedoctor. The doctor said, âYou are a drinking man, arenât
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you?â The man replied that he was. The doctor said, âYoumust quit or youâll go deaf.â The man said he would.
He came back in a month and said, âThings are nodifferent,â he said to the doctor. âIn fact, my hearing isworse.â The doctor asked, âHave you quit drinking?â Theman replied, âNo.â The doctor asked, âWhy havenât you?âThe man replied, âWell, to tell you the truth, doc, whatIâve been drinking is so much better than what I have beenhearing that Iâve decided to keep it up.â
Application: I want you to listen to me.
43. My Last Book
A man was at a convention and trying to sell one ofhis books. He asked a friend, âHave you read my lastbook?â The friend replied, âI sure hope so!â
Application: You may hope this is the last one.
44. Enthusiasm
A man read in the newspaper that the JehovahâsWitnesses were holding a convention in his city. He didnâtknow much about Jehovahâs Witnessesâ beliefs, but he didknow that when they held a convention in a city they visitedfrom door to door sharing their faith. He felt he needed tobe better prepared to meet them when they came, so heasked his pastor to teach a course on what JehovahâsWitnesses believe and how to witness to them.
Among other things he learned that JehovahâsWitnesses do not salute the American flag. This man wasvery patriotic so he bought a six-foot American flag andtacked it to the wall of his den and waited anxiously forthe Jehovahâs Witness convention to begin.
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At mid-afternoon, the second day of the convention,his doorbell rang. He went to the door to find a neatlydressed, middle-aged woman with magazines in her hand,standing there. He said to her, âGood afternoon, madam,Iâve been expecting you. Please come in.â
Then he said, âBefore you say anything, I want you tofollow me.â He led the woman into his den, stopped infront of the flag, and asked her to put her hand over herheart and repeat after him. He started, âI pledge allegiance. . .â She responded, âI pledge allegiance . . .â âTo the flag. . . of the United States of America . . . and to the republic .. . for which it stands . . . one nation . . . under God . . .indivisible . . . with liberty . . . and justice . . . for all.â
He then turned to the lady, âNow, what do you thinkabout that?â She replied, âWell, I donât know, Iâve been anAvon lady for twenty years . . .â
Application: We need to be enthusiastic about all wedo.
45. Iâm Sure Iâm Going to Fail
A young boy came home from school and said to hisfather, âDad, I think I failed my math test today.â The father,a positive thinking advocate, said to him, âSon, donât talkthat way. You need to be more positive.â
The boy responded, âOkay, Dad, Iâm positive I failedmy math test today.â
Application: We need a positive attitude in life.
46. Heâs a Good Father to the Children
A wife took her overworked preacher husband to thedoctor. The doctor, after examination said, âI donât like
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the way your husband looks.â The wife responded, âI donâteither, but heâs a good father to the children.â
Application: We need to look for the good qualities inour mate.
47. Troubles, got more than you realize
In my work I travel a lot. And, I have had someinteresting experiences. The other day, I pulled up to thecurb of DFW Airport to unload my bags. The baggagecheck-in man came over to my car and began taking mybags to the check-in counter. From out of nowhere a man,obviously late for his flight, rushed up and asked thebaggage check-in man to help him. So, the man turned tohelp him make his flight on time. As he carried the manâsbags to the check-in booth, he dropped one of them and itpopped open. When it did, the man lost his cool. He calledthe baggage check-in man everything under the sun. I havenever heard a man talked to like that in all my life.
All the while the baggage check-in man kept calm. Hejust looked at the man, smiled, and kept saying, âYes, sir.Yes, sir. Yes, sir.â
When the man turned and walked away I walked overto commend the baggage check-in man. I said to him, âSir,I want to commend you on the way you handled that verydifficult situation. I have never heard a man talked to asyou were talked to. And, you responded magnificently.You just smiled and said, âYes, sir. Yes, sir.â And itâs obviousthat that man has a real problem.â The baggage check-inman replied, âYes, and he really has more problems thanhe knows.â
I asked, âHowâs that?â He replied, âHeâs going toFlorida and his bags are going to California.â
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Application: We sometimes have more problems thanwe know.
48. Iâm in Sales, not Management
I travel so much I know the stewardesses and theyknow me. The other day our plane was caught in someturbulence and a stewardess said to me, âReverend, dosomething.â I replied, âIâm sorry, Iâm in sales, not inmanagement.â
She said, âNo, do something religious.â So, I took upa collection. I got $13.98.
Application: Weâre going to do something religious -weâre going to take a collection.
49. Low, I Am With You
I needed to get to El Paso so I asked a travel agent thebest way to get there. She said I could take a plane and getthere in one hour, or I could take a bus and get there thenext day. I told her I was scared to fly, so I would take thebus. She turned and said to me, âPreacher, you donât needto be afraid. Donât you know that Jesus said, âIâll be withyou always.ââ I said, âNo, Maâam, he said, âLO (L-O-W), Iam with you always.ââ
Application: The fact that the Lord is with us doesnâthelp us from being afraid at times.
50. Baptist Arenât So Smart
A handsome Baptist boy from Mississippi, named Billy,met and fell in love with a beautiful, dark-haired, dark-eyed, Roman Catholic girl from Louisiana, named Maria.Things were going well with them and wedding plans were
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in the future when suddenly the engagement broke off.A friend said to Billy, âMan, what happened?â Billy
replied, âOh, I said something about the Pope and Mariagot mad and quit me.â
The friend replied, âYou dummy, didnât you knowMaria was a Catholic?â Billy replied, âSure, I did, but Ididnât know the Pope was.â
Application: We Baptist donât know as much as wethink we do.
51. Who Shoved Me?
A wealthy west Texas rancher had an unmarrieddaughter. He decided to give a party and invite everyeligible bachelor in the county. He had a big barbecuearound his swimming pool. At the appropriate hour heannounced that he had filled the pool with man-eatingsharks, and that anybody who would swim the length ofthat pool could have a million dollars, a thousand acres ofland, or the hand of his daughter in marriage. They couldtake their choice.
He had hardly gotten the proposition out of his mouthwhen there was a splash and he saw a man was literallyflying through the water. He popped out on the bank rightat the feet of the rancher and the rancher said to him,âCongratulations! I didnât believe anybody would takeme up on my offer. But you did and now you have a choice:Do you want a million dollars?â He replied, âNo, I donâtwant that.â
âDo you want a thousand acres of land?â the rancherasked. âNo,â replied the man, âI donât want that.â âWell,then, you want my daughterâs hand in marriage?â âNo,âthe man replied, âI donât want that.â
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âWell,â the rancher asked, âwhat do you want?â Theman wiped the water off of his face and hair and said, âIjust want to get my hands on the man that shoved me.â
Application: Sometimes we need a little shove in life.
52. We Just Need to be Motivated
A man walked through the cemetery one night andfell into an open grave. He tried to get out several timesand couldnât. Finally he sat down in a corner to wait fordawn. After a while another fellow, a drunk, came walkingthrough the graveyard and fell into the same grave. Thefirst fellow thought he would sit back and watch the secondfellow and see if he could get out. He tried to get out of thegrave once and he couldnât and he tried a second time andhe couldnât. He tried a third time and couldnât. After awhile the first fellow stood up, reached over and tappedhim on the shoulder, and said, âSay, fellow, you canât getout of here.â But he did!
Application: When motivated, we can do things wethought we couldnât.
53. You Take a Chance When You Invite aSpeaker
An old west Texas rancher attended Rotary oneThursday noon. The speaker was long, dry, and boring.Midway through his speech the rancher reached in hisholster, pulled out his six-gun, and laid it on the table.
To say the least, this made the speaker nervous. Aftera while he turned to the rancher and said, âYou donât intendto use that on me, do you?â The rancher replied, âNope,Iâm looking for the fellow who invited you here.â
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Application: You take a chance when you invite aspeaker like me to come.
54. Too Busy
Two brothers from New York got tired of the fast laneof city life; so they bought a 50-acre farm in Texas. After afew weeks they decided they needed a mule to plow withso they got in their flat bed truck and drove down to aneighborâs farm to see if he had a mule to sell. The neighbortold them people in Texas didnât use mules for plowingany more but he could not resist the opportunity to have alittle fun with the city slickers. He pointed to a watermelonpatch and said, âI donât have a mule, but I do have somemule eggs. Maybe youâd like to buy a couple and hatchyour own. They said, âWe donât need that mule till thespring so weâll do that. Weâll take two.â
They bought the melons, placed them on the back oftheir truck and headed down the bumpy road towardhome. They were almost there when they hit a huge bumpand one of the watermelons bounced off the back of thetruck, hit the road, and burst open. Seeing what happened,the driver stopped the truck and turned around to retrievethe âmule egg.â Meanwhile, a big Texas jack rabbit camehopping by, saw the melon, and began to enjoy it. Whenthe brothers saw the long ears and the furry back, theyshouted, âLook, the egg has hatched. Letâs get the mule.âWell, of course, the jack rabbit took off at lightening speedas the New Yorkers hotly pursued. They gave the chaseeverything they had, but to no avail. After about 30minutes chase, they sat down exhausted and one of themen said, âI give up. Weâre never going to catch that mule.âThe other brother replied, âMe too, but I think itâs just as
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well, Iâm not sure I wanted to plow that fast anyway!â
Application: Iâm not sure I want to go as fast as Iâmgoing. We need to slow down a little.
55. This is for You
An elderly lady was circling the parking lot of a mall,looking for a parking place when she saw one severalspaces ahead. As she slowed down approaching it a youngfellow in a 280 ZX whipped around her and pulled in theparking place in front of her.
He hopped out of his car, slammed the door, andpranced by her. She rolled down the window and asked,âWhy did you do that?â
He replied, âBecause Iâm young and fast.âThe elderly lady backed her big long Cadallic up about
10 feet, got a running start and crashed into the back of his280ZX. Then she backed up again, and took anotherrunning start and hit it so hard it jumped the curb, hit atelephone pole, and bashed in the hood.
The young man, hearing the crash turned around andsaw what she had done to his car. He rushed back to herand asked, âWhy did you do that?â
She replied, âBecause Iâm old and rich.â
Application: No matter who you are, this is for you.
56. You Want a Miracle
A man was walking along the beach one day when hefound a bottle. He picked it up, rubbed it and the proverbialgenie came out. The genie said, âIâm going to grant youthree wishes.â
The man, overjoyed, said, âI wish there would be
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enough food in the world to feed people. Many are starvingto death.â The genie replied, âItâs done.â
The man then said, âI wish we could have peace onearth. There is so much war and conflict.â The geniereplied, âIt will be done.â
The man then said, âIâve always wanted to go toHawaii but Iâm afraid to fly. I wish you would build abridge from Los Angeles to Hawaii.â The genie replied,âMan, do you know what youâre asking? Do you realizehow much concrete and steel it would take to build a bridgefrom Los Angeles to Hawaii? Do you realize that the pilingsand the bridge would mess up the ocean currents andwould affect El Nino? Ask me something more reasonable.â
The man then replied, âOK, I wish every preacherwould quit preaching by 12 oâclock Sunday morning.â
The genie thought for a moment, the replied, âHowmany lanes do you want in that bridge?â
Application: Don't expect any miricles here today.
43
2General
1. Getting Use To Sin
Before their homecoming game, a group of college boysstole the school mascot of their opposing football team. Itwas a goat. Once they captured it they made intricate plansto smuggle the animal into their dormitory room. âButwhat about the smell?â someone asked. âThe goat willjust have to get used to it,â the other replied.
Application: Godâs people canât afford to get used tosin.
2. Judgmental
A Baptist preacher and an Episcopalian Rector wereseated next to one another on a plane. When they learnedthat each was a minister they immediately began a warmand friendly conversation. Presently the stewardess cameto take their drink orders. The Baptist preacher said, âIâllhave a diet coke.â The Rector said, âIâll have a glass ofwine.â Almost immediately their conversation cooled andthe Baptist turned away and became very quiet.
The Rector noticing the silent treatment tapped thepreacher on the shoulder and asked him what was wrong.
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The preacher said, âI donât think a man of God should bedrinking wine.â The Rector replied, âBut, my brother,surely you know Jesus himself turned water into wine.â
The preacher responded, âYes, we do. And weâd havethought a whole lot more of him if he hadnât.
Application: Beware of being judgmental. You donâtwant to be more spiritual than Jesus was.
3. Lord, do it Again
A Lutheran minister was driving to New York to see abroadway show and he was stopped in Connecticut forspeeding. The state trooper smelled alcohol on his breathand then he saw an empty wine bottle on the floor, and hesaid, âSir, have you been drinking?â And the minister said,âJust water.â
The trooper said, âThen why do I smell wine?âAnd the minister looks down at the bottle and said,
âGood Lord, Heâs done it again!â
Application: Thatâs our prayer, âLord, do it again.â
4. Seeing Better
A snake went to an optometrist to see if he could befitted with glasses. The optometrist said, âMan, I canât putglasses on you. You donât have a nose. You donât haveears. Thereâs no way you could wear glasses.â
The snake then said, âDoc, maybe you could fit mewith contact lenses.â
The doctor did and instructed the snake to come backin two weeks for a checkup. When the snake returned thedoctor asked him how the contact lenses were working.He replied, âTerrific! Doc, these things are great! I went
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home and found out Iâd been living with a water hose forthe past two years.â
Application: I hope you can all see all right. Itâsimportant to see things correctly.
5. Financial Trouble
The chief financial officer/business manager/comptroller of a company came to the president one dayto say, âIâve got good news and bad news for you.â
The president said to him, âGive me the good newsfirst.â He replied, âWeâve got enough money to operateone more day.â
The president then said, âWhat could be worse newsthan that?â He replied, âThat was yesterdayâs report.â
Application: Weâve got to hurry. Weâre behind already.
6. I Got Two of His Cows
When Mike Ditka was one of the assistant coaches forthe Dallas Cowboys, he was hard to live with after a loss.
As a new season began the Cowboys lost the first twogames in a row. Ditka was as mad as a bear. So, oneMonday morning, Tom Landry picked him up and said,âCome on, we are going hunting.â
They drove out to the ranch of a man who had invitedthem to hunt anytime they wanted to. Landry went up tothe door, knocked on it, and asked the man if it was okay ifthey hunted that day. He said, âSure, it is.â As Tom turnedto walk away, the man called him back and said, âBy theway, since you are here and since you have your guns, Iwonder if you would do me a favor? That old horse outthere in the corral needs to be shot. But he has been a part
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of our family so long, and he is so special to us that none ofus have the heart to do it. I wonder if you would do it forme?â Tom said, âSure.â
On his way back to the car he decided to have a littlefun with Ditka. So, he walked up to the car and leanedover the window and said to Ditka, âCan you believe it,that old so and so wonât let us hunt on his ranch. Iâll showhim a thing or two. Iâm going to shoot his horse.â So, Tomraised his gun up, sighted in the horse, and shot him, andhe fell dead. About the time the horse hit the ground heheard two more shots in rapid succession, bang, bang! Mikecalled out to him, âHop in, Tom, letâs get going. I got twoof his cows.â
Application: Be careful that it doesnât backfire on you.
7. Three-legged Chicken
A traveling salesman was driving down a country roadin Louisiana and looked out the window and saw a chickenrunning right along beside his car. He looked down at hisspeedometer and saw that he was clipping along aboutforty miles per hour and thought, âMy soul, thatâs a fastchicken.â So, he kicked the car up to fifty and the chickenstayed right with him. Then he kicked it up to sixty and itkept right up with him. Then the chicken turned on theback burner, ran right past him, and cut up a trail toward afarmhouse.
He slammed on his brakes and whipped up a countrylane to that farmhouse himself. He got out and found thefarmer standing by the chicken yard gate and asked, âArethose your chickens?â âYep,â replied the farmer. âTheyare fast, arenât they?â said the salesman. âYes, pretty fast,âsaid the farmer.
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âHow did they get that way?â asked the salesman.âWell,â said the farmer, âwe like chickens around here. Weespecially like chicken legs. So we bred them and crossbredthem until every one of those chickens now has three legs.â
The salesman said, âIs that right? How do they taste?âThe farmer replied, âDonât know, we never have caughtone.â
Application: You can be too smart for your own good.
8. Do You Want to Fish or Talk?
A man lived near a lake, but not on it. He loved to fishand did it often. He had a pickup with all of his gear on it.Among other things he had a large special-made ice chestthat fit exactly into the truck. Whenever he went fishinghe always came back with that icebox full. In fact, he nevercame back with it empty and he was never gone very long.He would go, return early, and spend the rest of the daycleaning the fish.
It happened that his neighbor was a game warden.Naturally, he took a great interest in the fact that this mannever came back empty-handed. One day he said to hisfriend, âCan I go fishing with you?â The friend replied,âYes.â So, off they went.
They got to the lake and put the boat in the water andimmediately the man sailed right for the center of the lake.The game warden could not understand why he wouldstop at that spot. You never catch fish there. You alwayscatch them along the bank. Nevertheless, they stoppedand dropped anchor. The man reached into his tackle boxand pulled out a stick of dynamite. He lit it and let it burndown to the end and then he threw it out into the water.There was a terrific explosion and fish came up everywhere.
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Then he took out a little net and began to pick them up,one by one.
The game warden could not believe his eyes. Finally,he said to the man, âMan, donât you know that what youare doing is illegal?â The man said, âHuh uh.â âDonâtyou know that I am going to have to arrest you for whatyou have done?â And the man said, âHuh uh.â Thewarden said, âListen, friend, you arenât taking me seriously.You are my neighbor and my friend and you are in realtrouble. Friend, weâve got to talk.â
The man reached down into his tackle box and pickedup another stick of dynamite, lit it, let it burn down almostto the end, pitched it into the lap of his game warden friend,and said to him, âNow, do you want to fish or talk?â
Application: Thereâs a time to talk and a time to fish.
9. Have a Drink
A Yankee was cruising through the southern part ofthe United States in his new Cadillac at about 85 miles anhour down a country road when an old farmer in a 1947beat-up red pickup pulled out in front of him and he hitthe farmer broadside. Neither of them was hurt seriously.The Yankee crawled out of the car, the veins in his neckwere bulging, his face was red and smoke was coming outof his ears. And the madder he got the more he cussed;and the more he cussed, the madder he got. He reallychewed the old farmer out.
The old farmer calmly said to him, âNow, son, donâtget all hot and bothered over this. You are getting tooexcited. You need to calm down.â Then he reached in theback of his truck and pulled out a jug of homemadewhiskey. He said to the Yankee, âJust calm down, now.
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Take a great big swig of this, and you will feel much better.âSo the Yankee took the jug, uncorked it, and took a
great big swallow. The farmer then said, âThere, donât youfeel better?â The Yankee said, âYes, I sure do.â Then thefarmer turned around and put the jug back in the truck.The Yankee said, âWait a minute, arenât you going to takea drink, too?â The old timer said, âYes, I sure am, just assoon as the highway patrolman gets here and finishes hisreport on the wreck.â
Application: You need to think before you drink.
10. Be Responsive
A man from Mars landed his spaceship on earth forthe first time. He didnât know what people looked like orhow to deal with them. He landed at a gas station, so hewalked up to the gas pump thinking that it was a man. Henudged it with his elbow, and said, âHey fellow, how areyou doing?â Of course, nothing happened. The pumpmade no reply.
He nudged it a little harder and said a little louder,âHey fellow, how are you doing?â The pump did nothing.It made no response. So he circled the gas pump, lookingit over real good. Then he walked to the other side andgave it another nudge and said, âSay fellow, how are youdoing?â Still no reply.
So he got back in his spaceship and went back to Mars.His commander called him in and asked for a report. Heasked, âHow did things go?â He said, âFine. The earth isa beautiful place. Itâs a wonderful place. I saw peoplestanding on every corner. But they sure were unresponsive.I walked up to this one fellow, nudged him, spoke to him
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three times, and he just stood there with his tail in his earand said nothing.â
Application: Don't just stand there, do something.
11. Iâve Come to Talk to You About My Brother
A man went to a psychiatrist wearing a long, flowingrobe, long hair, a strip of bacon over his right ear, anotherover his left ear, and a fried egg on his head. He said,âDoctor, Iâve come to talk to you about my brother.â
Application: Donât always talk about others.Sometimes we are the person with theproblem.
12. Mixed Up Message
A preacher and a merchant in a small town hadidentical names. The merchant took a train to Los Angeles.A day or so after he left, the preacher died. When themerchant arrived in Los Angeles, he sent a wire back to hiswife. The Western Union people mistakenly delivered thewire to the widow of the preacher. When she opened thetelegram it read, âArrived safely, but the heat is terrible.â
Application: Make sure you communicate to the rightperson. The weather will be hot so dressappropriately.
13. Germs and Jesus
A mother told her little boy to go wash his hands. Hesaid, âGerms and Jesus, germs and Jesus, thatâs all I everhear around here. I have never seen either one of them.â
Application: Weâve never seen Jesus but we know he is.
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14. Who Wants To Go To Heaven?
A preacher, after describing all the glories of heaven,called for a show of hands of all who wanted to go there.All but one meek little fellow promptly responded. Thestartled clergyman asked the holdout, âDo you mean totell me you donât want to go to heaven?â
âSure, I want to go,â said the man, âbut I thought youwere trying to get up a load for tonight!â
Application: Make sure youâre ready to go whenever thetime comes.
15. Sheâll Want to Go Both Days
A man was assigned to work in an evangelisticendeavor in northern Mississippi. One day he walked upto the porch of a man chewing his tobacco and engaged inconversation. When the time seemed appropriate he saidto him, âAre you a Christian?â The man replied, âNo, theChristians live down the road about a mile.â He said, âWell,you donât really understand what Iâm talking about. Sir,are you lost?â âLost?â he said, âwhy no, Iâve lived here allmy life and I know right where I am.â
âNo, no,â said my friend. âAre you ready for thejudgment?â The old man said, âWell, when is it gonnabe?â The friend said, âWell, I donât rightly know. It mightbe today or it might be tomorrow.â
The old man said, âFor heavenâs sake, donât tell mywife. Sheâll want to go both days.â
Application: In witnessing itâs important to explainthings so people can understand you.
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16. All You Do is Complain
Once a man grew weary of life, so he went to live in amonastery. The Monsignor explained the rules: âYou mustfirst take an oath of silence. Then you study and pray andmeditate for an entire year, and you cannot speak a wordto anyone. At the end of the year Iâll call you in, and weâlldetermine how you did.â
He passed the first year in silence. The Monsignorcalled him in and said, âYou have done well the first year.Now you can say only two words and nothing else. Whatwould you like to say?â The man thought for a long time,and then finally he said, âFood bad.â The Monsignor said,âObviously youâve got a ways to go spiritually, so you mustspend another year in complete silence. Then weâll talkagain.â
At the end of the second year, the Monsignor calledthe man in and again said, âYou have now been here twoyears, and we need to evaluate your progress. You can sayonly two words once again. Think carefully before youspeak. Now, what would you like to say?â The manresponded quickly, âBed hard.â The Monsignor shook hishead in despair and said, âYou still havenât learned whatyou need to know spiritually. Go back and spend anotheryear in prayer and meditation and complete silence.â
At the end of the third year he called the man in againand said, âIt has now been three years since you came. Youmay speak two words. Choose your words carefully. Now,what would you like to say?â The man only said, âI quit.âThe Monsignor shook his head and said, âWell, I supposeit is just as well. All youâve done is complain since youâvebeen here.â
Application: All some people do is complain.
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17. Let Me Get the Saddle Off Him
A deer hunter came home to a raging wife. She said,âIâm tired of being a deer widow. The next time you gohunting, Iâm going.â Her husband said, âItâs often verycold and we walk a long way and we may not even get ashot.â Nevertheless, she was determined and the next timehe went hunting, she went.
He put her up a tree and walked off down the drawabout a mile and climbed up his tree. About sunrise heheard three shots â ping! ping! ping! â and she began toholler. He jumped from his tree and started toward her.The nearer he got to her, the faster he ran. Then he heardshots again â ping! ping! ping! â and heard her say,âGet away, thatâs my deer!â
He reached a clearing and saw a long, lanky cowboystanding with his hands up in the air saying, âYes, lady!Itâs your deer, but just let me get the saddle off him.â
Application: You deer hunters be careful next week. Idonât want to lose any of you.
18. Pessimistic â The Truck Wonât Be There
A man wanted to learn to parachute so he tookinstruction. The instructor said, âWhen we get at the rightspot, Iâll tell you when to jump and if you are afraid, Iâllpush you. Now remember this, all you have to do is countto ten slowly, then pull the ripcord and the chute will openand youâll float down gently to the ground. If by chancethe chute doesnât open, donât panic. Just pull youremergency cord and the chute will open and youâll floatgently down. Then there will be a truck there to pick youup and bring you back to the airport.â
So they went up for his first jump. At the right spot,
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out he went. He counted to ten and pulled his ripcord, butthe chute didnât open. He didnât panic. He just calmlyreached up and pulled his emergency cord, but the chutestill didnât open. The man then said to himself, âWith myluck Iâll bet the truck wonât be there either.â
Application: Some people look on the dark side ofeverything.
19. Iâve Been On Your Side All Along
The athletic teams of Duke University are known asthe Blue Devils. Their mascot is a young man who wears adevilâs suit. One of the schoolâs fraternities was having aninitiation of pledges and as a part of their initiation theytook a freshman pledge, dressed him in a devil suit, tookhim to the edge of town after dark, turned him loose, andmade him walk back to town.
As he was walking down the road it started to rain.He came around a curve in the road and there was a littlecountry church where they were holding a revival meeting.
The evangelist really had the people jumping. The boythought, âI can step into the vestibule of the church and noone will be the wiser. Iâll wait out the shower and then Iâllgo on.â The trouble was the church didnât have anyvestibule. He opened the door and stepped in, and he was,right in front of the whole congregation.
The people were already wrought up emotionally, andthe sudden appearance of the devil was catastrophic. Mostof them hit the back door, and quite a lot of them wentthrough the windows. There was one heavyset womansitting right down on the front pew. She surveyed thesituation very quickly. She saw the pileup at the back door.
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She knew she couldnât get through the window, so shedecided the thing for her to do was to try to get out thesame door the devil came in.
The problem was the devil had the same idea at thesame time and they got stuck together in that door. Thelady used every resource she could muster. She smiled athim and said, âMr. Devil, this is the first time Iâve ever hada chance to meet you personally, but I want to tell you thatI have been on your side all the time.â
Application: You need to decide whose side you are onin life.
20. Lord, I Thought Youâd Take Care of Me
Old Charlie died and went to heaven. When he gotthere, he asked to see the Lord. He said, âIâve got acomplaint. Lord, I was caught in a terrible flood. The waterstarted to rise higher and higher until finally I got up onthe top of my roof to survive. After a while along came arowboat, and the man said to me, âCharlie, get in and Iâlltake you to safety.â But I said to him, âNo, the Lord is goingto take care of me. Heâll get me out of here.ââ Then alongcame another boat and Charlie said the same thing. Thencame a helicopter and he said the same thing.
Soon the water rose above the house and Charlie wasdrowned. His complaint to the Lord was, âLord, I thoughtyou were going to take care of me. Why did you let medown?â The Lord replied, âCharlie, I sent you two boatsand a helicopter. What else did you want?â
Application: The Lord uses people to help us. Somepeople donât recognize the Lordâs helpwhen he sends it.
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21. How Do You Feel?
A farmer in southern Alabama was on his way to townin a wagon and was hit broadside by a truck. One mulewas knocked 35 feet off into a field and the other wasknocked 20 feet off into a ditch. The farmer got up andwalked away saying he was okay. Later he sued the truckdriver.
At trial the lawyer said, âHow is it that you are suingmy client, seeing at the scene you said you were okay?âThe farmer said, âThere were extenuating circumstances.As I lay there on the roadside by my wrecked wagon, thesheriff walked over to one of my mules and said, âThis mulehas a broken leg. Heâll never live.â Then he pulled out apistol and shot him. He did the same to the second mule.Then he walked over to me and asked, âHow are youdoing?â I said, âSheriff, Iâve never been better.ââ
Application: It helps to understand why people do whatthey do.
22. Do You Remember Me? Do You Want toDo It Again?
A circus owner went broke and had to sell all theanimals. He sold all but one elephant. He wondered, âHowcan I make a living with one elephant?â Finally, he hit onan idea. He said, âNo one has ever made an elephant jumpover a bale of hay. Iâll offer odds of 10 to 1 that no one cando it.â So he got a tent, a sign, and toured the country.People put up $50 for a chance to win $500 if they couldmake the elephant jump over a bale of hay. Years went byand no one did.
One day he went to Gladewater. A little eleven-year-old boy, with horn-rimmed glasses and a black attaché case,
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came. He said, âWhatâs the deal?â The owner said, âIâllgive you odds of 10 to 1 that you canât make this elephantjump. Have you got $50?â The boy said he did. He walkedbehind the elephant and opened his attachĂ© case, took outa sling shot with surgical rubber tubing, stretched it outand took a two-inch galvanized nail, drew it back, andsailed it into the seat of the elephant. The elephant notonly jumped over the 10 bales of hay, but he knocked downthe whole tent.
The man paid off and left, saying, âIâve got to get anew act. No one has ever made an elephant shake his headup and down as if to say yes and then back and forth as ifto say no.. Iâll offer odds of 10 to 1 that no one can do that.âHe began traveling with great success until he came again,after three years, to Gladewater.
A little boy came in, now 14 years old, with horn-rimmed glasses and a black attachĂ© case. He asked, âWhatare the odds?â The owner told him 10 to 1 and asked if hehad $50. The boy replied, âYes,â then he opened his case,walked in front of the elephant, pulled out the slingshot,and said to the elephant, âDo you remember me?â Theelephant shoot his head up and down. âDo you want meto do it again?â The elephant shook his head back andforth.
Application: Some things you donât want to do again.
23. Youâre a Crook
A little old lady climbed into the witness stand and satdown. The prosecuting attorney began his interrogation.âDo you know me?â he asked.
âMost certainly,â she replied. âIâve lived in this townall my life, and I know just about everybody who has ever
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lived here. I remember you from âway back, and the best Ican say for you is that you are a crook!â
Taken aback, the attorney asked, âThen I suppose youknow the opposing attorney?â
âI most certainly do,â she snapped. âI knew him whenhe was no bigger than a speck â and heâs a crook too.â
The judge summoned the attorney to the bench andwhispered in his ear, âIf you ask her if she knows me, Iâllcharge you with contempt!â
Application: You donât have to tell everything youknow.
24. I Threw in the Full Amount
An old miser called his doctor, lawyer, and minister tohis deathbed. âThey say you canât take it with you,â thedying man said, âBut Iâm going to try. Iâve got threeenvelopes with $30,000 cash in each one. I want each ofyou to take an envelope, and just when they lower mycasket, you throw in the envelopes.â
At the funeral each man tossed in his envelope. Onthe way home, the minister confessed, âI needed moneyfor the church, so I took out $10,000 and threw only $20,000into the grave.â
The doctor said, âI, too, must confess. Iâm building aclinic. I took $20,000 and threw in only $10,000.â
The lawyer said, âGentlemen, Iâm ashamed of you. Ithrew in a check for the full amount.â
Application: We will take cash or checks.
25. Georgeâs Dad Was Not Up the Cherry Tree
A farmer gathered his six sons around him and
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demanded, âWhich one of you boys pushed the outhouseinto the creek?â No one responded. The farmer said,âWhen George Washingtonâs father asked him if he cutdown the cherry tree, George told him the truth, and hisfather was proud of him.â Motivated by this story, theyoungest son admitted he was the guilty party. His fatherpicked up a switch and started whipping him. âWait aminute,â the son cried, âyou told me that GeorgeWashingtonâs father was proud of him when he confessedto chopping down the cherry tree.â The farmer explained,âHe was, but George Washingtonâs father wasnât sitting inthe cherry tree when his son chopped it down.â
Application: We ought to tell the truth even if it hurts.There are many circumstances that play apart in proper discipline.
26. Four Speeches
Will Rogers said, âI have four speeches â the one Iwrote, the one I gave, the one I wish Iâd given, and the onereported in the newspaper.â
Application: Donât believe everything you read in thepaper.
27. Knowing the Answer
A monkey, an elephant and a giraffe were walkingdown a jungle trail when a lion jumped out and roared,âWhoâs the king of the jungle?â
The monkey said, âYou areâ and the lion let him pass.The giraffe said, âYou areâ and he let him pass.
The elephant grabbed the lion with his trunk, twirledhim around in the air three times and threw him up against
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a tree.The lion shook the stars out of his head and said, âJust
because you donât know the answer to the question, youdonât have to get so sore about it.â
Application: We donât know the answer to everyquestion. We need to be patient withpeople who donât know.
28. Woodcutters
Two pulpwood cutters from deep east Texas grew tiredof cutting pulpwood and decided to go to Dallas and getanother job. As they drove down the street, they saw asign that said, âLove Field.â So they whipped theirpulpwood truck into Love Field and drove to the mainoffice.
One of the men said to his brother, âYou stay in thetruck and Iâll go in and see if I can get a job.â He wentinside, found the man who was in charge of hiring, andsaid to him, âI want a job.â The man asked, âWhat canyou do?â He replied, âIâm a pile-it (pilot).â The man said,âWe need lots of those around here. Youâve got a job.â Hehired him on the spot.
The pulpwood cutter went back outside to the truckand said to his brother, âI got me a job. They hired me onthe spot. Why donât you go in and see if they have a jobfor you?â His brother said, âOkay, you wait here in thetruck, and Iâll go in and see if they will hire me.â He wentinside and told the man, âI want a job.â The man asked,âWhat do you do?â He replied, âIâm a woodcutter.â
The man said, âFellow, this is an airline. We donât needany woodcutters around here.â The woodcutter thenresponded, âBut, you just hired my brother.â The man
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responded, âYes, but he said he was a pilot.âThe brother responded, âWell, how do you think heâs
going to pile it if I donât cut it?â
Application: In every business somebody has got tochop the wood.
29. The Devil
One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in thetiny town of Selma, Alabama got up early and went to thelocal church. Before the services started, the townspeoplewere sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, theirfamilies, etc.
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.Everyone started screaming and running for the frontentrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get awayfrom evil incarnate.
Soon everyone was evacuated from the church, exceptfor one elderly gentleman, who sat calmly in his pew, notmoving . . . seemingly oblivious to the fact that Godâsultimate enemy was in his presence.
âDo you know who I am?â The man replied, âYep,sure do.â Satan asked, âArenât you afraid of me?â âNope,sure ainât,â said the man. Satan was a little perturbed atthis and queried, âWhy arenât you afraid of me?â The mancalmly replied, âBeen married to your sister for over 40years.â
Application: The devil is real and heâs not your brother-in-law.
30. We Need to Speak Up
There was a man who wanted to give his mother a
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special gift. She seemed to have everything and so hefinally found a parrot that spoke in five languages. It costhim $7,000 to buy that parrot, but he bought it and sent itto his mother.
A few days after it arrived he, called his mother andsaid, âMother, how did you like the gift I sent you?â Themother replied, âOh, son, it was delicious!â
The son was aghast. He said, âOh, mother, surely youdidnât eat that bird? It spoke five different languages andcost me $7,000.â She said, âWell, it should have spoke up.â
Application: There are times when we need to speak up.
31. He Was Running for his Life
Alabama and Auburn were playing in one of the mostcrucial games of the year. Alabama was leading by fivepoints. Two minutes were left in the game. Alabama hadthe ball twenty yards away from the goal line. On firstdown, the number-one quarterback was injured. CoachBryant sent in his number-two man.
Before sending him in, Bryant gave him strictinstructions. He was not under any circumstances to throwthe ball. He was to run the ball three downs, even if theydid not gain a yard. By that time, the game would be almostover, and the defense would hold them.
On second down, Alabama was stopped dead. Onthird down, they gained a yard. Fourth down. Thequarterback turned to hand off the ball, but missed the handoff. He began to run, and when he did, he spotted a receiveropen in the end zone. What a chance to lock the game up.He could not resist the chance to be a hero, so he lofted apass to his open receiver.
What he did not notice was the safety for the other
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team only a few yards away. This all-American safetyhappened to be the fastest man on the field. As soon as theball was in the air, the safety cut in front of the receiver,pulled the ball in, and headed for the other end zone. Allof a sudden, like a flash of lightening, the quarterbackcaught up with the swift safety and tackled him on thetwo-yard line, just as the clock ran out.
Alabama won. After the game, the Auburn coachasked Bear Bryant, âIâve read the scouting reports. Thatquarterback is supposed to be slow. How is it that he caughtup with the fastest man on the field?â Bear Bryant replied,âItâs simple. Your man was running for a touchdown. Myman was running for his life!â
Application: We can accomplish great things when weare properly motivated.
32. A Last Resort
A man was up in a plane, and the pilot had a heartattack. He knew nothing about airplanes, so he called inon the radio. The radio man said, âMash down the flaps.âHe said, âI canât. Itâs stuck.â The radio man said, âTurnthe nose up.â The man said, âI canât. Itâs stuck.â
Then the radio man said, âRepeat after me . . . Ourfather which art in heaven . . .â
Application: When all else fails we can still pray.
33. I Wasnât Talking to You
Supposedly, when Bill Moyers was press secretary forPresident Lyndon B. Johnson, ithe president called onMoyers to lead in prayer. He spoke softly, and Lyndonsaid, âSpeak up, Bill, I canât hear you.â
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Bill Moyers responded, âMr. President, I wasnât talkingto you.â
Application: When we pray we talk to God.
34. Music in Church
A manâs wife wasnât feeling well one Sunday so hewent to church by himself. When he got home, she askedhim how he liked it. He said, âI didnât.â
She asked âWhy? What didnât you like?âHe said, âWe sang choruses instead of hymns.âShe said, âPaw, whatâs the difference in a chorus and a
hymn?âHe said, âIf I came home and said, Mama, Iâm home.
That would be a hymn.âBut if I came home and said, âMama, dear Mama,
sweet Mama, precious Mama, loving Mama, good Mama,Iâm home, Iâm home, Iâm home, Iâm home. That would bea chorus.â
Application: Thereâs a lot of differences in choruses andhymns.
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3Age
1. How to Live Longer
In George Burnsâ book, Wisdom for the Nineties, he gaveâten donâts for a long life.â
Donât smokeDonât drinkDonât gambleDonât eat saltDonât eat sugarDonât eat fatsDonât over-exerciseDonât over-eatDonât under-eatDonât play around
Authorâs Note:You may not live longer, but it will seem longer.
Application: It does pay to live right.
2. Optimism
When Ty Cobb was 70, a reporter asked him, âWhatdo you think youâd hit if you were playing these days?â
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Cobb, who was a lifetime .367 hitter said, âAbout .290,maybe .300.â
The reporter said, âThatâs because of the travel, thenight games, the artificial turf, and all the new pitches, likethe slider, right?â
âNo,â said Cobb, âitâs because Iâm 70.â
Application: Keep a positive attitude no matter whatyour age.
3. It Needs Ironing
Two men sat in wheel chairs in a nursing home,watching television. An elderly lady resident decided shewould streak across the room to put a little excitement intothe place. As she went by, one said to the other, âWho inthe world was that?â His friend replied, âI donât know.And what was that she had on?â The first replied, âI donâtknow, but whatever it was, it sure did need ironing!â
Application: Itâs terrible to get old.
4. Memory Medicine
An elderly man was talking with a friend about howdifficult it was to recall things as you get older. The mansaid, âMy memory is really much better now than it usedto be.â
His friend inquired as to why. He said, âI went to thedoctor and he gave me some medication that has helped agood deal.â The friend wanted to know the name of themedication. The man thought and thought and thoughtand could not name it.
Finally, he said to the man, âWhat is that flower thatgrows in the garden that has a long stem and thorns and a
Age / 67
beautiful blossom?â The friend said, âItâs a rose.â Theman turned and yelled into the other room, âRose, whatâsthe name of that medicine the doctor game me?â
Application: I have trouble remembering everybodyâsname, so help me.
5. Hard of Hearing
One evening an elderly man and his wife werewatching television. The television was a little loud. Thehusband said, âYou know, Iâm kind of proud of you.â Shereached over and turned the volume down and said, âYes,and Iâm getting tired of you, too.â
Application: Did I hear you correctly? We donât alwayshear the way we should
9. Memory
A priest was walking down the street one day and sawa little boy with a lawn mower and a sign on it that saidâfor sale.â He stopped and asked the boy how much hewanted for the lawn mower. The little boy replied, âThirtydollars.â
The priest said, âWell, we need a lawn mower downat the church and that looks like a pretty good one.â Theyoung boy said, âIt is.â The priest then said, âWhat areyou going to do with the money?â The little boy replied,âIâm going to buy me a bicycle.â
So the priest bought the lawn mover. A day or twolater the little boy was riding his bicycle by the church,and the priest was outside trying to start the lawn mover.He pulled and pulled and pulled but just couldnât crank it.When he saw the little boy, he called him over and said,
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âSonny, I thought you said this was a good lawn mower. Icanât get the thing to start.â
The little boy said, âFather, it is, but I forgot to tell you,that you have to cuss it to get it to start.â The Father replied,âWell, son, I havenât cussed in years, and Iâve forgotten allthe words I knew.â
The little boy replied, âWell, you pull on that thinglong enough, and theyâll come back to you.â
Application: Give it time, it will come back to you.Youâll remember.
10. Hard of Hearing
Two elderly men were walking down the road one dayand one said to the other, âItâs windy isnât it?â The otherreplied, âNo, itâs Thursday.â
The first replied, âMe too, letâs stop and get somethingto drink.â
Application: We donât always hear things as they reallyare.
11. Shocking News
I heard the other day that senior adults were the largestcarrier of aids in America - Rolaids, Band-Aids, andHearing aids.
Application: Itâs great growing old.
12. Advantages of Age
Iâve got an aunt who was so old when she got marriedthat Medicare picked up 80% of the cost of the honeymoon.
Application: There are some advantages to getting old.
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13. Write It Down
An elderly couple was sitting on the porch one eveningand she said, âYou know what Iâd like?â He said, âNo.âShe said, âIâd like some vanilla ice cream with chocolatesyrup on top.â He said, âOK, Iâll get you some.â
She responded, âYouâd better write it down. Youâllforget.â He said, âI wonât write it down, and I wonât forget.âOffhe went.
In a few minutes he came back with two scrambledeggs and an order of toast. She said, âI told you to write itdown. You forgot the bacon.â
Application: When we get old we donât remember sowell.
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4Bible Knowledge
1. Lotâs Wife
Two children were on their way home from Sundayschool. One asked, âDo you believe that story about Lotâswife looking back and turning into a pillar of salt?â
âWhy not?â said the other. âYesterday my motherlooked back and turned into a telephone pole.â
Application: You can believe the Bible.
2. Walls of Jericho
A pastor was concerned that the children in his Sundayschool were not receiving the Bible knowledge they needed.So, while walking down the halls of the church he met littleJohnny and asked him, âJohnny, who knocked down thewalls of Jericho?â
Little Johnny shot back, âPreacher, I donât know. But Isure didnât do it.â
The pastor thought, âThis is terrible. Johnnyâs been inSunday school for years and he still doesnât know whoknocked down the walls of Jericho. I need to talk to hisSunday school teacher.â
So the pastor approached Mrs. Brown and said to her,âMrs. Brown, I stopped Johnny in the hall and asked him
72 / Bible Knowledge
who knocked down the walls of Jericho. He told me hedidnât know, but he sure didnât do it.â
Mrs. Brown replied, âPastor, Johnny is one of my bestpupils. He is always present. And, he comes from one ofthe best families in our church. If Johnny says he didnât doit, I believe him.â
The pastor then thought, âThis is really terrible. Notonly does Johnny not know who knocked down the wallsof Jericho, neither does his teacher. I need to talk to thedeacons about this.â
So, the pastor contacted the chairman of the deaconsand told him the whole story. He told how he had stoppedJohnny in the hall and asked him who knocked down thewalls of Jericho and Johnny had responded he didnât knowbut he sure didnât do it. Then he explained how heconfronted Mrs. Brown and she apparently didnât knowwho knocked down the walls of Jericho because she saidshe believed Johnny. The pastor then said to the chairmanof the deacons, âBrother Smith, this is terrible. Nobodyseems to know who knocked down the walls of Jericho.â
Deacon Smith responded, âPastor, I think youâremaking a mountain out of a molehill. Why donât you justtell us what these walls cost, weâll pay for them, and forgetabout it.â
Application: Youâd be surprised at how little we knowabout the Bible.
3. Ten Commandments
A Sunday school teacher was trying to teach the TenCommandments to her young students. She thought itwould be most helpful if she read concrete illustrations.âOne morning Johnnyâs parents were going shopping,â she
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read to them. âThey asked Johnny to wash the dishes whilethey were gone. When they returned, however, Johnnywas watching cartoons, and the dishes were stillunwashed.â Then she asked, âWhat commandment didJohnny violate?â In one accord the class responded, âHonorthy father and thy mother!â
âGood,â said the teacher. âAnn went shopping withher mother, but when no one was looking, she slipped acandy bar into her pocket.â Again, she asked, âWhatcommandment was violated?â The class was quick torespond: âThou shalt not steal!â
âGreat,â said the teacher. âAndy was a mean little boyand had a bad temper. He got angry with his sister oneday, and grabbing her pet kitten, he threatened to pull itstail off. What commandment did this violate?â asked theteacher. This was a much tougher example. Everyone wasreal quiet for a moment, but then one little fellow piped upand shouted, âWhat God hath joined together let no manput asunder!â
Application: We need to interpret the scripturescorrectly.
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5Conflict
1. Canât Get Along With Ourselves
A man was shipwrecked on a deserted island in theSouth Pacific. Despite his radio calls for help it still tookmany months for rescuers to find him. When they did findhim they were surprised to see three huts on the beach.They said, âWe thought this was a deserted island and youwere all alone.â The man said, âOh, it is and I am.â
Then they pointed to the huts and asked, âWhy arethere three huts?â The man said, âThe first one, there, thatâswhere I live. The other hut, thatâs where I go to church.And the third one, thatâs where I used to go to church.â
Application: Thatâs how ridiculous we are at times. Wecanât even get alone with ourselves.
2. Church Splits
I heard about six men who were marooned on an islandtwo Baptists, two Catholics and two Jews. The two Jewsgot together and built Temple Bethel. The two Catholicsgot together and built St. Maryâs. The two Baptists splitand formed First Baptist and Second Baptist.
Application: Sometimes our denomination is the worstof all about not getting along.
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3. Arguing in the Dark
Once a man brought a motion in the church that theyought to buy a chandelier. He made a passionate plea forit but it was immediately met with strong opposition.
The leader of the opposition party stood to say, âPastor,I want to oppose the buying of the chandelier for threereasons: First, nobody knows how to spell it so we wouldnever be able to order it. Secondly, if we got it, I donâtknow anybody who could play it. And, third, what weneed here is more light.â
Application: We need to get the facts before we opposea thing.
4. Opinions
When you get two Baptists together youâve got threeopinions about everything.
Application: We are often too opinionated.
5. Agreement
The only thing two Baptists can agree on is what a thirdought to give.
Application: We need to work at being more agreeable.
6. Heâs Not Much of a Truck Driver
One day a truck driver pulled up in front of a truckstop in his eighteen-wheeler. He got out, went inside,ordered a hamburger, a cup of coffee, and a slice of pie. Ashe sat there, up drove three men on motorcycles. Theyhad on black leather jackets, long stringy hair, and shaggybeards. They walked in, looked around, and saw only the
Conflict / 77
one truck driver present. They walked over and one of themotorcycle gang picked up his hamburger, another tookhis cup of coffee, and the third took his slice of pie. Theysat down and began to eat it.
The truck driver did nothing. He just sat there andwatched them. When they were through, he got up andwalked to the cash register and paid the bill. He then wentoutside, got in his truck, and drove off.
In a moment the motorcycle gang leader said to thecashier, âHe wasnât much of a man, was he?â The cashiersaid, âNo, and heâs not much of a truck driver either. Hejust ran over three motorcycles.â
Application: Thereâs more than one way to handleconflict.
7. Mean Church Members
Some church members are so mean, if they were in thearena with the lions, Iâd pull for the lions.
Application: We need to keep a sweet spirit in church.
79
6Deacons
1. Iâve Lost My Dog
A man drove up to the home of a famous bird dograiser one time and said to him, âI want to buy your finestbird dog.â The man said, âHe is not for sale.â The strangersaid, âBut Iâm willing to give you $5,000 for him.â
The dog raiser said, âWell, thatâs an offer I canât refuse.The dog is yours.â The stranger said, âNow I donât carrythat much cash with me, but I do have $100 and I will returnnext week and pay you the rest. You can trust me, I am aMethodist steward.â
That weekend the man was walking the streets andbumped into a friend. He told him the story and then said,âFriend, can you tell me, what is a Methodist steward?âThe man thought for a moment and then replied, âWell,near as I can tell, heâs about the same as a Baptist deacon.âThe man slapped himself on the forehead and said, âOh,my, Iâve lost my bird dog!â
Application: Deacons ought to be good men - wellthought of.
2. Encourage Your Pastor
A pastor was having trouble with the chairman of his
80 / Deacons
deacons. He opened the paper one day and noticed thatby some freak mistake his obituary was in there. Of courseit was a mistake, the preacher was alive and well, but hethought, âPeople are going to read this and think Iâm dead.So Iâd better call the chairman of the deacons and tell himso.â
He picked up the phone, called the chairman of thedeacons, and said, âBrother chairman, my obituary is inthe paper today but I just want you to know that I am OK.âAfter a long pause the chairman of the deacons responded,âWhere are you calling from?â
Application: Deacons ought to encourage their pastor.
3. We Pray Youâll Get Well
A preacher was deathly sick in the hospital. Followingthe regular meeting of his deacons, they sent him thismessage, âYour deacons have voted to pray for yourrecovery by a vote of 15 to 5.â
Application: Be grateful for whatever support you canget.
81
7Denominations
1. Bury All You Can
In small towns in the west the Methodist church andthe Baptist church were often located on the same streetand just down the block from one another. And, in thosesmall towns, mixed marriages were common. But,denominational loyalties were fierce and so the husbandwould often go to his church on Sunday morning whilethe wife went to hers.
Once, when the Baptist church was without a pastor,one of its members died. His wife was a Methodist, so sheasked her pastor if he would perform the funeral ceremony.The pastor was young and inexperienced and did not knowall the rules and regulations of the Methodist church. Sohe sent a telegram to his bishop with the question, âIs itokay if I conduct the funeral service of a Baptist?â Thebishop responded immediately, âAbsolutely! You bury allthe Baptists you can.â
Application: We love everybody, even those in otherchurches.
2. Iâll Sell You to a Baptist
A gentle Quaker was milking his cow, when all of a
82 / Denominations
sudden the cow swished her tail and knocked the gentleQuaker from his milking stool.
He got up, brushed himself off and proceeded withhis milking. Then the cow picked her foot up and put it inhis milk bucket. He picked the bucket up and startedmilking again.
Then the cow swished her tail and knocked him offthe stool and put her foot in the bucket of milk. He got up,brushed himself off and set the bucket upright again, andsaid to the cow, âO, cow, thou knowest that I cannot smitethee; and thou knowest that I cannot curse thee; but whatthou does not know is that I can sell thee to a Baptists?â
Application: At times we need to be plain spoken.
3. Hit on Sunday Morning
A man who lived in New York City owned a housetrailer that he needed to move all the way across the cityand into New Jersey. As you know, the traffic in downtownNew York is terrible and he knew he would have a difficulttime. So, he decided to ask a taxi driver, when was thebest time to move a house trailer across the city.
The taxi driver said, âOh, that is easy. Seven oâclockSunday morning. All the Catholics will be in mass, all theProtestants will be asleep, and all the Jews will be on thegolf course.â So, seven oâclock Sunday morning the manstarted moving his house trailer across town and suddenlythere was a terrible crash. Somebody had run into himfrom the rear. He stopped his truck, rushed back to histrailer, and asked, âMister, what are you doing out on thestreets driving so fast on Sunday morning?â The man said,âIâm a Seventh Day Adventist late for work.â
Application: Donât be late now!
Denominations / 83
4. Dress Nice
A pastor went to visit a member of his congregationwho had not been present in a long time. He asked him,âBill, why donât you come to church?â Bill replied, âPastor,I just donât have the clothes to come down there.â
The pastor said to him, âBill, we canât have that. I wantyou to go down to the clothing store and get the finest suitthat money will buy. And I want you to get a shirt and atie and some shoes and socks so youâll have the clothesyou need to come to church. Just charge everything to us.Iâll look forward to seeing you in church next Sunday.â
The next Sunday the pastor looked out across thecongregation and Bill was not there. So, early Mondaymorning he made a beeline to Billâs house and said to him,âBill, didnât you go to the clothing store and buy the clotheslike I suggested?â
Bill responded, âYes, pastor, I did.â The pastor thenasked, âWhy werenât you in church as you promised?â
Bill replied, âTo tell you the truth, pastor, when I gotthose new clothes on I looked so nice I decided I ought tobecome a Presbyterian.â
Application: Nobody ought to stay away from churchbecause of dress.
5. Christmas Celebration
One day three children were talking about how theycelebrated Christmas. One was a Roman Catholic, one wasa Baptist, and the other was a Jew. The Roman Catholicsaid, âWe have many activities at Christmas. We put up atree, we buy presents, and then on Christmas Eve we go tomass and then go home and join hands around theChristmas tree and sing âAva Maria.ââ
84 / Denominations
The Baptist boy said, âWe do about the same thing.We buy lots of presents and put up a tree and on ChristmasEve we go to a candlelight service and then we go homeand join hands around the Christmas tree and sing âSilentNight.ââ
The Jewish boy said, âMy daddy comes in onChristmas Eve and brings all the money that weâve madefrom the presents weâve sold to the Catholics and to theBaptists and we put it on the floor and we gather around itin a circle and sing, âWhat a Friend We Have in Jesus.ââ
Application: We all do have a friend in Jesus.
6. Eating
Our favorite text is, âBless the Lord, oh my soul, andall that is within me. Bless his holy name.â
Our favorite hymns are: âWhen the Rolls are Servedup Yonder Weâll Be There,â and âGod Be With You Till WeEat Again.â
Application: We Baptist love to eat.
85
8Education
1. The Cow Did Jump Over the Moon
You remember when the astronauts came back fromthat last moon trip they brought some moon rocks. Theypromised the universities and colleges could study theserocks, so they gave each one of them a rock. By the timethey got to Baylor and the University of Texas they wereout of rocks. They didnât want to disappoint the geologists,so some of the boys from NASA in Houston went to somegrazing land close to Houston and found a couple of driedcow patties and took one of them to the geologist of thetwo schools.
The geologists just went crazy studying those rocks.They took all kinds of notes and got together and comparednotes and held a press conference. They said, âWe areprepared to make the most sensational announcementthatâs been made in connection with this whole project. Ourstudy of these rocks reveals that, without a doubt, the cowdid jump over the moon!â
Application: After careful study we have come to someamazing conclusions.
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2. Youâve Got to Pass Him
When Woody Hayes was coach of Ohio StateUniversity, he had an outstanding football player who wasnot very smart. He was in danger of losing his eligibilitybecause of his grades, so Woody Hayes went to the playerâsbiology teacher to appeal to him. He said, âIâve got to havethis player. Youâve got to pass him.â
The teacher agreed to give the student a simple testthat anyone could pass. It consisted of one question. Heasked, âName the three vital parts of the body.â
The student replied, âThatâs easy. The head, the heart,and the bowels, of which there are five â A, E, I, O, U.â
Application: Make sure you know all the parts
3. Doesnât Know Meaning of the Word
A coach said of one of his linemen, âHe doesnât knowthe meaning of the word âfear.ââ After reflecting a while headded, âCome to think of it, there are several other wordshe doesnât know the meaning of either.â
Application: Fear should not be a part of ourvocabulary.
4. He Only Missed It Two
The coach took one of his star players to his mathteacher and said, âIf you donât pass him he canât play andweâll lose the championship.â The teacher said, âOkay, ifhe can pass a simple, one-question test, Iâll pass him. Thequestion is: How much is six plus six?â The boy answered,âThirteen!â The teacher said, âIâm sorry, thatâs wrong. Youfail.â The coach said, âOh, pass him. He only missed it bytwo!â
Education / 87
Application: Youâve got to give people a little marginfor error.
5. Kidneys, Man, Kidneys
A little boy had a hard time learning the various partsof the anatomy â his knee, his elbow, his foot, etc. Theteacher would point to the various parts, like the elbow,and ask, âWhatâs that?â And he would miss it every time.
Finally, one day out of a clear blue sky, he got them allright. His teacher was amazed and said, âHow did you doit?â He pointed to his head and said, âKidneys, man,kidneys.â
Application: You must use your head in this.
89
9Health
1. Be Careful
A doctor went to a party one night and he saw one ofhis patients out on the dance floor with a beautiful girl.They were dancing like mad and having a great time. Thedoctor walked up to the man and said, âFellow, what inthe world are you doing?â And the fellow said, âWell,doctor, Iâm following your advice.â The doctor said,âFollowing my advice? What do you mean?â He said,âWell, you told me to get me a hot mama and be cheerful.âThe doctor said, âOh, no, no! I said, âYouâve got a heartmurmur, be careful!ââ
Application: I want you to listen carefully.
2. Youâve Got It Again
A Scotsman was feeling very badly and it finallydawned upon him he was going to have to spend a littlemoney to see a doctor. He was afraid that was going tocause him a setback. But he finally went down to themedical arts buildings and walked up and down the hallsjust seeing if he could find a bargain. He found one â aScottish doctor. The sign said, âDr. Angus McDonald âFirst Call $40.00. Subsequent Calls $25.00 Each.â
90 / Health
He went in and said, âWell, Doctor, here I am again.âThe doctor examined him and said, âYou remember, ofcourse, what I said you had before.â He said, âOh, yes.âThe doctor said, âYouâve got it again. Just take the sametreatment I prescribed for you before and pay the girl $25.00as you leave.â
Application: Itâs good to see you again.
3. It Cured Her of Her Hiccups
A lady went to the doctor for the very first time in herlife. She was scared to death. As she sat in the waitingroom, nervously thumbing through a magazine, she hearda blood-curdling scream come from the doctorâs office. Asshe looked up, the door flew open and out ran a nun, herblack robes waving behind her. Right behind her was thedoctor; just a few seconds too late to catch her. She wasalready gone.
The doctor stopped, looked at his new patient, andreached out his hand to greet her. She jumped back, shovedhis hand away, and said, âDonât touch me. Donât lay ahand on me after what you did to that nun.â
The doctor looked shocked and said, âLady, what inthe world is wrong with you? I didnât hurt that nun. All Idid was tell her that she was pregnant.â
The lady exclaimed, âPregnant! But she is a nun. Isshe really pregnant?â The doctor replied, âNo, but it suredid cure her hiccups.â
Application: Sometimes the cure is worse than thedisease
Health / 91
4. Dentist
Dentist: âTry to relax - Iâll pull your aching tooth infive minutes.
Patient: âHow much will it cost?âDentist: âItâll be $100.âPatient: âThat much for just five minutes; work?âDentist: âWell, if you prefer, I can pull it out very
slowly.â
Application: Iâll try to speed this up a bit.
5. Cough â I Died of Sinus
Three men died and met in eternity. They began todiscuss how their lives had ended and how they came tobe in heaven.
One said, âI was killed in a car wreck. It was terrible.There was broken glass and there were screaming sirenseverywhere. It was unbelievable.â
The second man said, âI was killed in a plane crash. Itwas horrible. There was flaming gasoline and bent metaleverywhere you looked.â
They turned to the third man and asked, âWhathappened to you?â He said, âI died from seenus problems.â
They replied, âSeenus? You mean sinus, donât you?âHe replied, âNo, I was out with another manâs wife and heseen us.â
Application: My hoarseness is due to sinus, not seen us.
6. Cough â How Do You Stop It?
A man died and following his funeral service the bodywas being taken to the cemetery. It was a cold day and thestreets were iced over. As the hearse climbed the long, steep
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hill to the cemetery, the back door popped open and thecasket slid out onto the icy street. It skidded down the hill,hit a curb, bounced up over it, and through the swingingdoors of a drug store. It slid down the center aisle and hitthe prescription counter with a thud. It struck the counterso hard the lid of the casket flew open and the corpse satup. The druggist leaned over the counter and said, âMay Ihelp you, sir?â The man replied, âYes, do you haveanything to stop this coffin (coughing)?â
Application: Iâve got a bad cough and I hope I can makeit through this speech.
93
10Introductions
1. A Few Minor Mistakes
A man was introduced as the speaker for a banquet.The MC said, âThis man has made $1 million in oilexploration in Texas.â When the speaker addressed thecrowd he said, âI appreciate that wonderful introduction,but I need to make one of two corrections. It wasnât in oil;it was in timber. It wasnât in Texas; it was in Louisiana. Itwasnât me; it was my brother. And, he didnât make amillion, he lost it.â
Application: I appreciate the introduction. He got itclose to right.
2. One of the Best Speakers in the Country
It is a pleasure to introduce __(Name)__. In fact, heâsone of the best speakers in the country . . . Now if youwant to go to the city, you can find a lot who are betterthan he is.
Application: We have a good speaker tonight.
95
11Marriage and the Home
1. Married the Wrong Person
I sat on a plane next to a man who had his weddingring on his index finger. I said, âSay, fellow, youâve gotyour ring on the wrong finger.â He replied, âYes, I know, Imarried the wrong woman.â
Application: We all make mistakes. You can have someunusual experiences flying.
2. Show Affection
I read the other day about a man who didnât kiss hiswife for five years and then shot the man who did.
Application: If you donât show affection to your wifesomeone else will.
3. Never Consider Divorce
My wife and I have been married forty years and wehave never considered divorce â murder, yes! But neverdivorce.
Application: Commitment is the cornerstone ofmarriage. We should marry for life.
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4. Show Love
A man attended a marriage seminar in which thespeaker encouraged husbands to tell their wives they lovedthem. He realized he had been negligent at that point anddecided to do something about it. So, on his way homefrom work that day he stopped by the drug store andbought her a box of chocolates. He then went by the floristand got her a dozen long-stem red roses. Then he walkedin the house, handed her the gifts, threw his arms aroundher, and planted a kiss on her, and said, âHoney, I loveyou.â
She pulled away from him and said, âOh, George, itâsbeen a horrible day. Johnny got in a fight at school. Thewashing machine broke down. I burned supper. And now,you come home drunk!â
Application: Husbands should show affection to theirwives, but it may take some time for yourmessage to grow.
5. Argument over Money
A couple was having a heated discussion regardingthe family finances. Finally the wife exploded, âIf it werenâtfor my money,â she screamed, âthis 42-inch TV set wouldnâtbe here. If it werenât for my money, that chair youâre sittingin wouldnât be here. If it werenât for my money, this housewouldnât be here.â
âAre you kidding?â her husband shot back. âIf itwerenât for your money, I wouldnât be here!â
Application: Itâs important to have the rightperspective of money if a marriage is to bestrong.
Marriage and the Home / 97
6. Wife Buying Clothes
A husband and his wife were having financial troubles.He decided that the family should go on a very strictbudget. He gave his wife instructions that she should notbe buying any clothes for a while. The next week she camein with a very expensive outfit.
He reprimanded her and said, âHoney, why in theworld did you do that?â She said, âThe devil made me doit.â He replied, âWhy didnât you say to the devil, âGet theebehind me, Satan.ââ
She replied, âI did. And he said, âIt looks good fromthe back, too.ââ
Application: Be sure to compliment your wife.
7. You Are Going to Die
A man went to the doctor for an examination and gota very bad report. The doctor said, âYou are in terribleshape. I need to visit with your wife about your condition.âSo the manâs wife went into the doctorâs office, closed thedoor, sat down, and the doctor said, âYour husband is interrible condition. He has malnutrition of the worst orderand he must have three hot, home-cooked meals every day.Furthermore, he is allergic to dust and so the house mustbe dusted and vacuumed completely every week. And,the soap the laundry is using in his clothes has affectedhim adversely and you must begin to wash and iron hisclothes at home yourself. He has a terrible inferioritycomplex. He needs love and attention on a daily basis. Ifyou do not do these things, your husband will be dead insix months.â
The lady left the doctorâs office and her husband
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asked, âWhat did he say?â She said, âHe said you havejust 6 months to live.â
Application: It takes a lot of effort to keep a goodmarriage alive.
8. The Right One
Planning is an important part of life. However, it canbe overdone. I heard about a woman who married fourmen in this order: a banker, an actor, a preacher, and amortician. She said that one was for the money, two forthe show, three to make ready, and four to go.
Application: Make sure you marry the right person.
9. Optimism
The most optimistic man Iâve heard of this year wasthe man who went down to city hall to see when hismarriage license had expired.
Application: We need to be optimistic.
10. Too Much Yak-Yak
Many homes are like that of the three bears. Fatherbear sat down at the table, looked at his empty bowl, andsaid, âSomebodyâs been eating my soup and theyâve eatenit all up.â Baby bear sat down at the table, looked at hisempty bowl, and said, âSomebodyâs been eating my soup,and theyâve eaten it all up.â Mother bear said, âShut up,your yak-yak, I havenât poured the soup yet!â
Application: Beware of grumbling and complaining toomuch.
Marriage and the Home / 99
11. Standing Up for Wifeâs First Husband
In a revival meeting once an evangelist was talkingabout the universality of sin and asked, âIs there anyonehere who has never sinned? Anyone who has never doneanything wrong?â To his surprise, a man stood in the back.He said, âSir, did you understand me? I asked if there wasanyone who had never done anything wrong. Neversinned.â And the man responded, âYes, I heard you. Iâmstanding up for my wifeâs first husband.â
Application: No one is perfect
12. Ground Hogâs Day
Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to herhusband, âI bet you donât know what day this is.â
âOf course I do,â he indignantly answered. But hereally didnât. Was it her birthday? Their anniversary? Hecouldnât remember so just to play it safe he sent her a dozenlong-stemmed roses. Then he called the drug store andhad them deliver a two-pound box of her favoritechocolates. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress toher.
The woman couldnât wait for her husband to comehome. âFirst the flowers, then the candy, and then thedress!â she exclaimed. Honey, youâve made this the bestGroundhog Day in my whole life!â
Application: Donât forget those special days. Theymatter to women.
13. Parents â Mothers and Little League
A Little League coach was instructing one of his playerson appropriate behavior. He said, âNow, Johnny, you know
100 / Marriage and the Home
you are not to throw your bat when the umpire calls a strikeon you, donât you?â
Johnny replied, âYes sir, coach, I do.âThe coach said, âAnd, Johnny, you know that you are
not to cuss, scream, and throw dirt when you get thrownout at first base, donât you?â
Little Johnny said, âYes sir, coach, I do.âCoach then said, âJohnny, will you then please tell your
mother that?â
Application: Parents can be the problem at times.
14. Anniversary, A Time to Remember
The pallbearers were carrying the casket of thedeceased woman from the church down to the cemetery.They came to a rough place on the bridge and dropped thecasket. It jarred open, the wife sat up, came back to life,and lived ten years longer. Then she died a second time.They came to the same spot going to the cemetery. Thehusband said, âEasy now, boys, remember what happenedhere ten years ago.â
Application: We are here to remember what happened inyears past.
15. Mother-in-law
A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife andmother-in-law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle,the Mrs. awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to herhusband, she insisted on them both trying to find hermother.
The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey,and started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the
Marriage and the Home / 101
camp, they came upon a chilling sight: The mother-in-lawwas backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and alarge male lion stood facing her.
The wife cried, âWhat are we going to do?âNothing,â said the hunter husband. âThe lion got
himself into this mess, let him get himself out.â
Application: If you get yourself in trouble, get yourselfout.
16. Where Would You Like to Go
My wife and I recently celebrated our 45th anniversary.As the date approached I ask her, âWhere would you likefor me to take you?â
She replied, âTake me someplace I havenât been in along time.â I replied, âOK, how about the kitchen?â
The Best Place to Hide Her Gifts
I have a friend who bought his wifeâs Christmaspresent in October and hid it in the oven to be sure shewouldnât find it.
17. Marriage and Money
A woman who had just received an inheritance usedit to build and furnish a new home for herself and herhusband. As they toured the new house she constantlyreminded her husband: âJohn, if it were not for my money,we would not be here.â John didnât say a word.
That afternoon a truck delivered a load of newfurniture. After the furniture was in its place, they touredthe house again. As they observed each room, beautifullyappointed and magnificently decorated, she reminded herhusband: âJohn, if it were not for my money, this furniture
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would not be here.â Again, John was silent.Late in the afternoon another truck came with a special
piece of furniture that was to be the focal point of the familyroom. It was a combination stereo-television-computercenter all wrapped into one gorgeous piece of furniture.When it was in place, she again said: âJohn, if it were notfor my money, that beautiful electronics system would notbe here.â
Finally, John spoke: âHoney, I donât want to make youfeel bad, but if it were not for your money, I wouldnât behere either!â
Application: I hope youâre here for the right reason.
103
12Preachers
1. Bible Knowledge
A young preacher was interviewing for his first church.He had never been a pastor before and the pastor searchcommittee had invited him for an interview. The chairmanasked, âSon, do you know the Bible?â
He replied, âYes, sir, I really know the Bible.â Thechairman then asked, âWhat part of the Bible do you knowbest?â And, he replied, âWell, sir, I know the whole Bible.â
The chairman then suggested, âWhy donât you tell ussomething you know about the New Testament? Whydonât you tell us the story of the prodigal son?â
The young preacher began, âThere was a man of thePharisees named Nicodemus. He went down to Jerichoby night and fell upon stony ground and the thorns chokedhim half to death.â
âThe next morning Solomon and his wife, Gomorra,carried him down to the ark of Moses to take care of it. Ashe was going through the eastern gate to the ark, he caughthis hair in a limb and hung there forty days and forty nights.Afterwards, he was an hungered and the ravens came andfed him.â
âThe next day the three wise men came and carriedhim down to the boat dock and he caught a ship to Nineveh.
104 / Preachers
When he got there he found Delilah sitting on a wall. Hesaid to the men with her, âChunk her down, boys,â and theyasked, âHow many times shall we chunk her down? Seventimes?â He replied, âNay, but seventy times seven.â Andthey chunked her down 490 times and she burst asunderin their midst. And when they had finished picking up thefragments, there were twelve baskets left over.â
âNow,â said the young preacher, âthe question is, inthe resurrection, whose wife will she be?â
When he had finished the chairman of the committeesaid, âFellows, I think we ought to call him. Heâs awfulyoung, but he really knows the Bible.â
Application: We all need to know the Bible.
2. Not Quitting
A preacher said to a pulpit committee, âI can tell youone thing, Iâm no quitter. I have been pastor of threechurches and stayed with all three until they died.â
Application: Donât be a quitter.
3. Canât Hear
A preacher was delivering a sermon. About half waythrough his introduction, a man on the back row wavedhis hand and shouted, âSpeak up, we canât hear you backhere!â
A man on the front row turned to him and replied, âIcan. Iâll trade places with you.â
Application: I hope you can hear me . . . and what I sayis worth hearing
Preachers / 105
4. Call to Preach
A man said, âI knew I was called to preach when Iwoke up one morning with a craving for fried chicken anddidnât want to go to work.
Application: Knowing Godâs will is not always easy todiscover. Preachers ought to work hard.
5. My Weakness is Gossip
Four preachers were visiting informally one day andbegan to confess their weaknesses to one another. One said,âMy weakness is stealing. I have a strong compulsion totake things that do not belong to me.â The second said,âMy weakness is alcohol. I love to drink and I often drinktoo much.â The third replied, âMy weakness is women. Ilove beautiful women.â
The fourth said, âMy weakness is gossip. And I canâtwait to get out of here!â
Application: Donât tell what you donât want others toknow.
6. Duty to Bury the Dead
A minister and city manager had a falling out. Oneday the preacher phoned a complaint to the city manager.A jackass had died on the church parking lot and theminister wanted it removed. The city manager saidsarcastically, âReverend, I thought it was your duty to burythe dead.â The minister said sweetly, âIt is, sir! But myfirst duty is to inform the next of kin.â
Application: We need to work at getting along with oneanother.
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7. Well Prepared
A young preacher boasted that all the time he neededto prepare his Sunday sermon was the few minutes it tookhim to walk to the church from the parsonage next door.After a few weeks of hearing his sermons, the congregationbought a new parsonage five miles away.
Application: If you arenât prepared donât tell anyone,theyâll find out soon enough.
8. Questions
A pastor was accustomed to ending his sermons witha question and answer time. He wanted to make sure hehad not left an important question unanswered with hiscongregation.
One Sunday a bright-eyed young lady sat on the frontrow listening eagerly to every word he spoke. When heasked if there were any questions, her hand shot up like aroman candle. âHow did Jonah survive three days andthree nights in the belly of the whale?â she asked.
The pastor responded, âI donât know. But, when I getto heaven I will ask him.â She responded, âBut, supposeheâs not in heaven?â The pastor then replied, âIn that case,you ask him.â
Application: Weâll have to wait until eternity to knowthe answer to some questions.
9. Get Carried Away
A young preacher was scheduled to give a specialsermon at the evening hour, but in the afternoon he beganto get hoarse. He asked an older preacher what to do torelieve it.
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The elder minister advised, âGet some brandy andpour a little in a glass and fill the rest of the glass withwater. Take it into the pulpit and as you preach, just sip ita little at intervals and your voice will clear up.â
After the sermon was concluded, the young preacherasked the older minister how he liked it. âWell, in allcandor, I didnât,â he replied. âYou didnât?â asked the youngpreacher. âWhy didnât you?â
The older minister answered, âI have my reasons. Inthe first place, I didnât say gulp it, I said sip it. Secondly,the Sermon on the Mount was not preached in New YorkCity. Thirdly, there are 10 Commandments not fourteen.And in the fourth place, when David killed the giantGoliath, he used a sling and a stone â he didnât stomp hisinsides out.â
Application: You need to make sure you get the factsright when you tell something.
10. God Will Provide
A young Methodist preacher went to his first annualconference meeting and sat down in the morning sessionright in front of the bishop. The bishop said, âYoung man,Iâm so happy that you are in our conference and that youare here for this meeting today. It just happens that one ofour program personalities couldnât come and I want youto bring a major message in the program this afternoon atthree oâclock.â The young preacher was literally scared todeath and said, âBut, sir, Iâm not prepared. I wouldnât knowwhat to say. What can I preach?â The bishop looked athim in a reassuring way and said, âGod will provide, youngman. God will provide. You just pray about it and Godwill provide.â
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So while everyone else went off to enjoy lunch, theyoung worried preacher got up on the platform and gotdown on his knees behind the pulpit and prayed, âLord,give me something to say.â And while he was praying, heput his hand up under the pulpit and came out withsomething that looked like a manuscript. He read throughit and it looked pretty good. So he decided that God hadprovided. At three oâclock that afternoon he read themanuscript in the finest fashion you can imagine. Whenhe came down out of the pulpit he was met by the angriestbishop he had ever seen. The bishop said, âYoung man,do you know that was my closing annual address for thisconference? And now youâve used it. What am I going todo?â And the young preacher said to the bishop, âBishop,God will provide.â
Application: God does provide for us.
11. Keep It Simple
A man came out of church, stopped in front of thepreacher and said, âPastor, you are smarter than AlbertEinstein.â
The pastor blushed and said, âSmarter than Einstein?Einstein was the smartest man who ever lived. What makesyou think Iâm smarter than him?â
The man replied, âEinstein was so smart when hespoke people could only understand 5% of what he said.When you speak people canât understand anything yousay.â
Application: Itâs important to talk so people canunderstand you.
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13Sports
1. Picking the Right Person
An old experienced coach was trying to train a youngcoach in recruiting. As he rehearsed the procedure, heemphasized the kind of players he wanted at his school.He said, âBill, you know there are different kinds of players.And, some of them, we donât want at our school.â
Then he said, âThere are some players, who getknocked down, and when they are down, they stay down.â
The young coach, eager to impress his boss with hisunderstanding, said, âYes, coach, and we donât want thosekinds of players at our school, do we?â
The coach said, âThatâs right!âThen he said, âThere are some players who, when they
get knocked down, get up. And, when they get knockeddown a second time, they stay down.â
The young coach said, âYes, coach, and we donât wantthose kinds of players at our school, do we?â
The coach said, âThatâs right.âThen he said, âThere are some players, who when they
get knocked down, get up again. And when they areknocked down a second time, they get up again. And, everytime you knock them down they get right back up again.â
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And the young coach said, âYes, coach, and thatâs thekind of player we want at our school, isnât it?â
The old coach said, âNo, we want the guy who isknocking all those other guys down.â
Application: Youâre the kind of people we want on ourside.
2. Things do Change
A young man, who was also an avid golfer, foundhimself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figuredif he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holesbefore he had to head home. Just as he was about to teeoff, an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if hecould accompany the young man as he was golfing alone.Not being able to say no, he allowed the old man to joinhim.
To his surprise, the old man played fairly quickly. Hedidnât hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently anddidnât waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9thfairway and the young man found himself with a toughshot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his balland directly between his ball and the green. After severalminutes of debating how to hit the shot, the old man finallysaid, âYou know, when I was your age, Iâd hit the ball rightover that tree.â
With that challenge placed before him, the youngsterswung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of thetree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a footfrom where it had originally lay.
The old man offered one more comment, âOf course,when I was your age, that pine tree was only 3 feet tall.â
Application: Things do change.
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3. Stupid Coach
The substitute quarterback was sitting on the benchwhile the game was going on. The coach called him andsaid, âWe are losing this ball game through stupidquarterbacking. I want you to go in there an do exactlywhat I tell you, understand?â The substitute quarterbacksaid, âYes, sir!â
The coach said, âOn the first play you take the ballyourself on the left-hand sweep. Youâre going to be new inthere and theyâre not going to be looking for you.â Hesaid, âAll right, coach.â
The coach said, âOn the second play, you take the ballagain, run a slant play right over the left tackle, youunderstand?â He said, âYes, coach.â
âOn the third play,â the coach said, âI want you to makea long pass to Hank Miller, you understand?â He said,âYes, sir!â
The coach said, âAnd on the fourth play, kick!âThe substitute quarterback went in and did exactly
what the coach said. On the first play he went around thatleft end and the coach was right. They werenât looking forhim and he picked up twenty yards. On the second playhe did what the coach said again. This time he went overthat left tackle on a slant play and a hole opened up and hecut back and picked up fifteen more yards. The third playwas that long pass to Hank Miller, and it was a dinger!Fifteen yards in the air and old Hank snagged it and rantwelve more before they got him down. He was at thethree-yard line, with ten seconds to go.
On the fourth play he kicked the ball the way the coachsaid, and it went clear out of the stadium. The coach waslivid. When the quarterback came back to the bench, the
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coach grabbed him by the shoulder pads and said, âSon,what were you thinking out there?â He replied, âI wasthinking what a stupid coach we have.â
Application: We all make mistakes at times.
4. Glad You Could Be Here
A man was an avid Cowboy fan. He lived and diedwith every game. But, when Jimmy Johnson left theCowboys he became disillusioned and thought the teamwould fall apart. So, he gave up his option on his seasontickets. But, when the next season rolled around, theCowboys started doing very well. In fact, they did so wellthey won their conference and were scheduled to play theSan Francisco 49ers for the division championship the nextweek. His interest in the Cowboys suddenly revived andhe began to try to get a ticket to the game. But, they wereextremely scarce. He finally located one ticket that costhim $1,000.
The day of the game came and the game was acomplete sellout. There werenât even scalpers out in theparking lot trying to get rid of an extra seat. There were noseats available.
He found his place, sat down, and anxiously waitedfor the game to start. Kick off time came and he noticedthe seat next to him was vacant. Next to it was a neatlydressed, middle-aged lady. He said to her, âI canâtunderstand this seat being vacant. The game is a sellout. Iwonder what happened to the person who has this seat?â
The lady responded, âThatâs my husbandâs seat.â Theman responded, âOh, where is he?â
She replied, âHe died.â
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The man responded, âIâm sorry to hear that. But withseats at a premium and the price so high, why didnât youbring a relative with you?â
She replied, âI couldnât. Theyâre all at the funeral.â
Application: Donât let anything keep you fromattending this.
5. Making the Right Selection
Sam Sneed was playing in a golf tournament and wasusing the same caddie Arnold Palmer had used the daybefore. They came to a hole with water on it and he askedthe caddie, âWhat iron did Arnold use here yesterday?â
The caddie quickly responded, âA five iron.âSneed picked up the five-iron, hit it solidly, and it
landed right in the middle of the lake. He turned to thecaddie and said, âI thought you said Palmer used a five-iron yesterday.â
The caddie responded, âHe did. And his shot landedin the middle of the lake, just like yours.â
Application: Make sure you get all the facts before youmake a decision.
6. Baseball in Heaven
Two friends had played baseball together all their lives.One day, Joe and Frank made a pact that whoever diedfirst would let the other know whether there is baseball inheaven.
Frank passed away, and several days later Joe heardhis friendâs voice. âJoe,â Frank said, âI have some goodnews and bad news. The good news is the baseball here is
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the best, the sun always shines, and the fields are glorious.The bad news: Youâre the starting pitcher tomorrow.â
Application: We never know when weâll die. We need tostay ready.
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14Stewardship - Giving
1. The Spirit in Which it Was Given
I was at Ohio State University and they told me abouta minister who called on one of his parishioners. While hewas there the parishioner served him a drink that theminister liked very much. He said, âThatâs delicious. Whatis that?â The parishioner said, âThatâs cherry wine. I makeit myself. Iâll give you a gallon of it if youâll thank me for itfrom the pulpit next Sunday morning.â The preacher said,âThatâs a deal.â
He took the gallon and the next Sunday morning inthe service, when he got to the announcements, he said,âAnd I wish to thank Bro. Watson for the lovely gift of fruitI received this week, and especially for the spirit in whichit was given.â
Application: Itâs important to give in the right spirit.
2. Worth a Try
A multimillionaire, who had never had any regard forGod or his church, was on his deathbed. He called thepastor to his side and said, âPastor, if I made the churchthe beneficiary of my will, if I left my entire estate to the
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work of God, do you think it would help me get intoheaven?â
The pastor replied, âIâm not sure, but I think itâs wortha try.â
Application: We donât try to motivate by manipulation.
3. I Was Real Sick
A church member was in the hospital and very sick.The pastor called on him and the man made a bargain withthe pastor. He said, âPastor, I am pretty sick. Iâd like foryou to pray for me, and if the Lord heals me Iâll give $25,000to the church.â
The pastor prayed and the good Lord had mercy onthe man and he got well. However, he promptly forgotabout his pledge. Time passed and the pastor hinted invarious ways to the man about the pledge, but he continuedto ignore it. So the pastor finally decided to use the directapproach. He called on the man and said, âBrother, doyou remember when you were sick you made a pledge tothe Lord that you would give $25,000 to the church if hewould heal you? Well, you have not paid this pledge yet.â
The member answered, âDid I say that?â The pastorsaid, âYou sure did.â The man then said, âWell, pastor,that just goes to show you how sick I was!â
Application: We need to keep our word and pay ourpledge.
4. Enthusiasm for Giving
A new preacher came to the church and everyone wasexcited. The first Sunday he stood to deliver his sermon
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and said, âIf Iâm gonna be pastor of this church, itâs gonnawalk.â And the people replied with an enthusiastic,âAmen, let her walk, brother, let her walk.â
He said, âAnd, furthermore, if Iâm gonna be pastor ofthis church, she is gonna run.â And the people replied,âAmen, let her run, brother, let her run.â
He said, âMore than that, if Iâm the pastor of thischurch, itâs gonna fly.â They replied, âAmen, brother, lether fly, let her fly.â
Then he said, âIf this church is gonna fly, then it is goingto take money.â They replied, âLet her walk, brother, lether walk.â
Application: Some people lose their enthusiasm whenthe preacher starts talking about money.It takes money to have an alive,progressive church.
5. In for Surprises
A wealthy man died and left one of his relatives amillion dollars. It just so happened that the fellow whowas to receive the million dollars was sick and in thehospital. He recently had a heart attack and the doctorswere afraid to tell him about the million dollars for fearthat he might get excited and have another heart attack.So they finally prevailed upon the pastor to go to thehospital and tell him.
He wanted to break the news to him gently so that hewouldnât get excited. So when he arrived, they exchangeda few pleasantries and then the preacher got to the subject.He said, âGeorge, I want to ask you a question. What wouldyou do if you were to inherit a million dollars?â He thought
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for a minute and he said, âPreacher, if I inherited a milliondollars I would give half of it to the church.â Andimmediately the preacher had a heart attack.
Application: I hope some of you will surprise me withyour gift. Weâd all be shocked if peoplegave what they should.
6. He Will Give
An income tax auditor was auditing a manâs incometax return. He called the manâs minister and said, âI seethat one of your church members, Mr. Howard Anderson,indicates on his return that he gave your church $5,000 lastyear. Would you tell me, please, did he give that much?âThe minister said, âI donât have the church records righthere at hand, of course. I couldnât tell you right off hand ifBro. Anderson gave that much. But, I can assure you ofthis â if he didnât, he will.â
Application: People just need to be properly motivatedto give.
7. Almost Persuaded
A Christian and Jew were friends. They decided tovisit the worship services with each other. The Christianwent with the Jew to the synagogue and the rabbi met himat the door. He said, âAbe, weâve got a special project hereat our church and Iâll put you down for a thousand dollars.âAbe said, âThatâs fine, Rabbi.â Then they went on toworship.
The next week Abe went with his Christian friend tochurch. As the worship services proceeded they passedthe collection plate. His friend pulled out a great big roll
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of bills and peeled off two one dollar bills and laid them inthe place. The Jew leaned over to his Baptist friend andsaid, âAlmost thou persuadest me to be a Christian.â
Application: We Christians need to learn to givegenerously.
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15Texas
1. Texas
Several businessmen went bear hunting in Alaska.After they unloaded their gear in the mountain cabin, theguide advised them on which rifles to use and how to baga bear safely. But one businessman from Texas said, âNevermind all that. Which way to the grizzlies?â
The guide pointed north and warned, âIf you go outthere without a gun, youâre a dead man.â The Texanstrolled out the door unarmed. A few minutes later, hecame running toward the cabin at top speed with aferocious bear a few strides behind. When Tex reached thedoor, he flung it open, jumped aside and the huge bear -unable to stop - hurtled right into the cabin. The Texanyelled to his colleagues as he slammed the door, âYou menskin that one - Iâm going after a couple more.â
Application: Weâve reached our goal, now we need toreach another.
2. Life Will Seem Longer
A lawyer was preparing to go out of town and wastrying to finish up his affairs when late Friday evening aman rushed in and said, âI must have some help with my
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will. And, I must have it done by Monday.â The lawyersaid, âIâm preparing to go out of town and wills arenâtusually that urgent. Why canât it wait?â The manresponded, âI have just returned from the doctor and hesays I have only six months to live.â The lawyer asked,âMy, whatâs the matter with you?â He said, âThe doctortold me that I have a serious heart problem and will notlive beyond six months. He gave me strict instructions andI intend to do everything he said.â
He responded, âWhat else did he tell you?â He said,âThe first thing I should do is move to south Texas. So, Iam making my plans to move there on Tuesday morning.Second, he told me to buy a hog farm and begin raisinghogs. The third thing he said to do was find a widowwoman who had five children, all under the age of ten,and to marry her.â
The lawyer asked, âMy, goodness, will that extendyour life?â He said, âNo. But the doctor said it wouldmake that six months seem like an eternity.â
Application: I know some of you feel weâve been herefor an eternity.
3. Everything is Bigger
There was a guy who had heard that everything inTexas was bigger and better than any other place. So, onhis first visit to the state, he went in a bar one night andsaid, âGive me a beer.â The bartender served him up awhole pitcher of beer. He thought to himself, âBoy, thingsare bigger here in Texas.â
He then ordered a steak and the waiter brought him32 ounces of the finest steak he had ever tasted in his life.He thought, âBoy, things are bigger here in Texas.â
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He needed to go to the bathroom, so he asked fordirections. He was told to go through the door in the back,turn right, and go through a second door, and he wouldfind it. By mistake he turned left. When he walked throughthe second door, he fell into an Olympic size swimmingpool. When he came up, he cried out, âDonât flush it, donâtflush it!â
Application: Things really are bigger in Texas.
4. A Local Call
A Texan was in New York City and needed to make aphone call. When He got the operator she said, âThat willbe $1.75, please.â He exclaimed, â$1.75! Why, in Texas, wecan call hell and back for less than that.â She replied, âYes,but in Texas that would be a local call.â
Application: It gets awfully hot in Texas
5. All Liars
Few people know that George Washington wasactually a Texan. As a young boy, he used his bowie knifeand chopped down his fatherâs favorite mesquite tree. Hisfather returned from a hard day of riding the range anddemanded to know who had cut down his prized tree.
âFather,â said young George, âI cannot tell a lie. Ichopped it down.â
âThat settles it,â said his father, âweâre moving toVirginia. With an attitude like that, youâll never make it inTexas politics.â
Application: Texans donât always tell the truth abouttheir state.
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6. Texas
It got so dry in West Texas that the Baptists startedsprinkling and the Methodist started wiping them with adamp cloth.
Application: It gets hot and dry in Texas.
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16Travel
1. Kiss Your Luggage Good-bye
At Christmas time a man walked up to the baggagecheck-in counter at the DFW airport and saw a piece ofmistletoe hanging right above the counter. He asked theclerk, âWhatâs that for?â She replied, âThatâs so you cankiss your luggage good-bye.â
Application: You take a real chance when you travel.
2. My Friends Call Me Bubba
A man who obviously thought he was a Romeo satnext to an attractive lady on a plane. To break the ice hesaid, âIâm doing a survey and would like to know, âWhatkind of men turn you on?ââ
She replied, âI really like native Americans. They areso in touch with nature. But, I also like Jewish men. Theyhold women in such regard.â
âAnd, then, I also like Southern men. They are sogracious and thoughtful.â
The man then said, âPermit me to introduce myself. Iam Running Bear Goldstein. But my friends call meBubba.â
Application: Some people try to please everybody.
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3. You Did It Last Week
A man walked up to the baggage check-in counter atDFW with three suitcases. He said to the attendant, âI wantone of these to go to San Francisco, one to Miami, and oneto Mexico City. The check-in man said, âFellow, I canât dothat!â The man replied, âWhy not? You did it last week.â
Application: Itâs amazing what you can do if you try.
4. Donât Tell Them Iâm a Preacher
I travel a lot in my work. Usually, when I sit next to astranger, they get around to asking me what I do for a living.I used to tell them I was a preacher, but I could see theircountenance drop. They were thinking, âOh, no, Iâve gotto sit here and drink cokes the entire flight.â
Nowadays, when they ask me what I do for a living, Itell them, âI am in insurance â fire insurance.â
Application: People act differently around a preacher.
5. You Get Lonely
I travel a lot and am often in hotels over a holiday. Itgets awfully lonely. I walked up to a man in a restaurantlast Christmas day and said to him, âAre you dining alone?âHe replied, âI certainly hope so.â
Application: Sometimes we just want to be alone.
6. Watch It Take Off
Unaware that El Paso is on Mountain Standard Timeand Dallas on Central Standard Time, a man inquired atDFW airport about a plane to El Paso. âOne leaves at 1:00p.m.â a ticket agent said, âand arrives in El Paso at 1:01
Travel / 127
p.m.ââWould you repeat that, please?â the man asked. The
agent did so and then inquired, âDo you want areservation?â
âNo,â said the man, âbut I think Iâll hang around andwatch that thing take off.â
Application: I want you to be here to see this.
7. Weâll Be Up Here All Night
A 747 was halfway across the Atlantic when thecaptain got on the loudspeaker: âAttention, passengers.We have lost one of our engines, but we can certainly reachLondon with the three we have left. Unfortunately, wewill arrive an hour late as a result.â
An hour later the captain made anotherannouncement: âSorry, but we lost another engine. Still,we can travel on two. Iâm afraid we will now arrive twohours late.â
Shortly thereafter, the passengers heard the captainâsvoice again: âGuess what, folks? We just lost our thirdengine, but please rest assured we can fly with only one.We will now arrive in London three hours late.â
At this point, one passenger became furious. âForPeteâs sake,â he shouted. âIf we lose another engine, weâllbe up here all night!â
Application: We wonât be here all night.