Peers, Pressure and Parental Expectations: Preparing Your

Adolescent to Thrive

Ken Ginsburg MD, MS Ed

The Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia

How do we define success?

Resilience

• The Ability To Overcome Adversity

• The Capacity to Bounce Back

Resilience is a Mindset

Resilience

is

NOT

Invulnerability

The Bottom Line

• Young People will be more resilient if the

important adults in their lives believe in

them unconditionally and hold them to

high expectations

• Young People live up or down to the

expectations we set for them

The 7 C’s of Resilience

Confidence

Competence

Connection

Character

Contribution

Coping

Control

Supporting the Fundamental Question of Adolescence

Since kids live up or down to our expectations, it means our

attitude really matters

Problem Free . . .

. . . is NOT Fully Prepared!

Karen Pittman

And they can judge our attitude easily

How do we portray youth?

Youth at Risk?????

Lazy?

Slackers?

Selfish?

Problems or

Problem-Solvers

When to Ignore Other Parents

When to Join with Other Parents

Your importance can not be overstated. . .

Connection 101:

Why does it feel like our connection is challenged

during adolescence?

What Gets in the way of Connection?

Listening

Finding Competence . . . . . . Building Confidence

• No more lectures!!!!!!

• Overprotection

• The importance of Puddles

Learning Not to Undermine Competence

The Reality of Peer Pressure

Building Competence

Social Skills

ControlControl

How Much Control?How Much Control?

Effective Monitoring

Independence: One Step at a Time

• Observe

• Consider Temperament and Developmental Needs

• Listen and Invite Youth to Develop a Plan

• Generate a Roadmap of Mastery

• Independence is Earned through Displaying Responsibility

Routine Interaction

Parent repeats

command

Punishment that is worse than the crime

no

no

Cycle repeats 1 to 3 times

no

yes

Naggingrelationship

Hostilerelationship

Diminishedparental

supervision

Parent makescommand

Parentthreatens

Parent atcrisis point

Parentgives up

Critical point

Cycle repeats 3 to 7 times

no

Adapted from Barkley RA. Hyperactive Children: A Handbook for Diagnosis and Treatment. New York, NY: Guilford Press; 1981.

Contract

1. I want a curfew of 10 pm on weeknights and 11:30 on weekends

We need to know where you are, whom you’re with, and what you’ll be doing

We need to know where you are going, who you will be with, when you will be homeYou need to finish all of your homework before you go outYou need to get enough sleepYou need to be able to wake up in time for schoolYou need to keep up your gradesYou must always follow the check in ruleWe have to agree on a code word

2.I want to be able to drive the car when mom doesn’t need it

You can’t drive any friends for 6 monthsYou must Always wear a seat beltYou will never use a cell phone or text while drivingWe need to sign a Students Against Destructive Decisions Contract for life

Mom _X_____ Dad _X_____ Bill_X_____

Contract

1.I want a curfew of 10 pm on weeknights and 11:30 on weekends

2.I want to be able to drive the car when mom doesn’t need it

Stress and Coping

Resilience

• Is about learning to cope, in a positive way with life’s inevitable stressors

• We might do our greatest good by raising youth with a wide repertoire of positive coping strategies

You Feel Awful!!!

Positive Coping

Strategies

Stress Discomfort

Negative Coping

Strategies

Relief

You Feel Awful!!!DiscomfortYou Feel Awful!!!Discomfort

Relief

You Feel Awful!!!

Positive Coping

Strategies

Stress Discomfort

Negative Coping

Strategies

Relief

You Feel Awful!!!DiscomfortYou Feel Awful!!!Discomfort

Relief

Your Vital Role

• Stress Tolerance

• Stress Assessment

• Stress Management

When Your Tolerance Reaches Its Limits

Falling Back In Love

Catching Your Kid Being Good

Holding to the Highest Expectation

Honoring Your Spouse/Partner

The Greatest Gift You Can Give Your Child

FosteringResilience.com