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  • 8/9/2019 People Who Suck

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    PEOPLE W HO SUCK  

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    33. Groups of Dudes Who Impose Their Bro-Banter on the General Public 

    April 21, 2011 by patfoley9 

     “Bro, we could TOTALLY have our own show.”

    A sharp rise in this phenomenon can be attributed to a recent upturn in edgy, crew-based,

    dialogue-driven shows like “It’s Always Sunny,” “The League,” “How I Met Your Mother,”

    etc. Such shows have a way of making every boner with a few buds think that his crew’s

    schtick is just as funny, cool, and generally entertaining as any appearing on T.V. They watch

    those shows and say “this is so like us, man” or “we could have a show like this,” or “we

    should start recording ourselves and send it in to a network!” So convinced are they of their

    posse’s collective comedic merit that they feel compelled to showcase it whenever a group of

    strangers have no choice but to sit and listen to them.

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    Hence, these bozos tend to strike wherever a large group of similarly situated strangers are

    experiencing forced downtime. Waiting for a flight at the airport, riding on the subway,

    waiting in a waiting room – really any setting where people tend to sit quietly and mind their

    own business. They are almost always college-aged, which is immediately evident from both

    their amateurish sense of humor and lack of social awareness.

    Albeit, what appears to be a conversation between friends, is really a performance – a public

    dialogue to entertain the less fortunate strangers who don’t have a hip clique to talk to.

    Usually quarterbacking the discussion is the aesthetically-inferior loudmouth of the group who

    fancies himself “the funny one.” Sometimes sporting glasses, some minor man-boobage (cup

    size roughly 30-A), and a dingy pair of cargo shorts that rest atop wider-than-would-be-

    expected shins, this jerkoff fuels the conversation by busting the balls of the less boisterous

    crew members and alluding to party stories, past hook-ups, and inside jokes with jusssst

    enough detail for everyone to kind of  get it. Clearly this guy thinks he is really witty. Except

    that he isn’t because nothing he says is even close to being funny and he just won’t shut up.

    But from his witless perspective, this is his time to shine – his opportunity to show all these

    strangers just what kind of killer  material they’ve been missing by NOT being a part of his

    crew. Because, clearly, with such wild party stories, such taboo inside jokes, and such ripe

    ball-busting abilities, we can only surmise that he and his boys are really cool and that their

    lives are totally epic and fun.

    So, please, by all means good Sirs, carry on like hyenas so we can get a taste of your

    coolness. Pour us a glass of your awesomeness. Show us all how fun life is in your

    circle. After all, we’ve got time to kill, and were it not for your boisterous bro-banter, we’d

     just have to sit here reading, working, or otherwise minding our own business like respectable

    people.

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    32. The Media Whores Who Tried To Sell Us On The Idea That The Craigslist Killer Was “Handsome” 

    January 10, 2011 by patfoley9 

    The Craigslist Killer: A True Adonis

    This has actually been bothering me since this story first broke, however, my feelings

    suddenly resurfaced last night when I caught the replay of the Lifetime Original movie, “The

    Craigslist Killer.”

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    But since this story first came about, the media has been telling me how “handsome” this kid

    was, when I can plainly see that he looks like a demented goose. And there is absolutely no

    question in my mind that this is how it went down:

    Media Executives: “You know what will make this story way more sensational? If we

    pepper our coverage of it with the word ‘handsome.’ Cause our angle here is that it

    was so unexpected that a kid with everything going for him would go on a killing

    spree. But in order to complete that narrative, we need to make him ‘handsome.’

    Cause if we admit to people that he’s got a face like a dirty old catcher’s mitt, then it

    won’t seem like he had everything going for him. In the grand scheme of things, we

    can all admit that if we saw this kid eating a tuna sandwich for lunch, it would

    totally make us want to throw up. But people like that do NOT have ‘everything

    going for them.’ SO instead of letting his gangly face ruin the narrative that we want

    to shove down people’s throats, we better keep talking about how handsome he is

    until people start accepting it as the truth. Otherwise, we will sell fewer papers and

    capture less viewers. And we CAN’T have that!” 

    And so, we get this crap:

    “He presented a virtual identity to society which everyone could buy into – the guy next door,

    tall and blond and handsome…” - 48 Hours

    “…the suspect in the Craigslist murder case turns out to be a handsome 23-year-old medical

    student, engaged to his college sweetheart.” - Boston Globe

    “To be sure, on the surface 23-year-old Philip Markoff appears to be a handsome, clean-cut

    young man with a bright future.” -Associated Content (Yahoo).

    To quote Nell Carter, “give me a break!” On what planet would this gawky goofball be

    considered handsome?

    Oh yes, media outlets, we all want to know! How COULD such a handsome young man with

    everything going for him snap and kill so many craigslist hussies? Could it have been his

    gangly smile and features that made him so pissed off? Or perhaps it was his horrid, side-

    swiping razor burn? Or, maybe he just had some unresolved, deeply-rooted issues with his

    dad (seen here):

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    In any event, this type of media whoredom (eerily examined in the 1976 Academy Award

    winning movie, Network ), has always made me want to puke. And that is no less the case

    here. It’s better for the media to say that this kid was handsome and awesome because it

    makes for a sexier story – much sexier than the “pale, pasty, nerd loses it and kills girls who

    would never sleep with him unless he paid for it” approach.

    But I’m not drinking that kool-aid. This dude sucked, plain and simple. His story was mildly

    fascinating because he did have lot going for him. He was smart, accomplished, and engaged

    to a sweet gal. But “handsome” was definitely not part of the Philip Markoff package.

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    C’mon, I mean, ew.

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    31. People Who Make Snarky, Next-day Comments About How Drunk  You Got th e Prior Evening  

    December 22, 2010 by patfoley9 

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    Whether I’m staring unproductively at my work computer screen or simply lying in bed, awake

    but feeling like Rocky during his post-fight shower at the beginning of Rocky V , nothing is

    more obnoxious and more poorly received than the snarky text, g-chat, or what-have-you

    from the judgmental bystander who bore witness to the calamitous bender the night before.

    •  

    SOMEBODY had a good time last night. 

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    How are YOU feeling today?  

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    YOU certainly had fun last night. 

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    Though such comments are harmless and well intentioned between good buds, when said with

    an air of passive-aggressiveness by a person on the periphery of your friend-sphere or a co-

    worker you aren’t that tight with, it is more to say that, in their opinion, you acted like a

    drunken boob last night.

    And while you’re initial reaction may be to buy into their assessment, recoil with guilt, and

    nervously try to remember what behavior could have prompted such a

    critique, don’t! Because that’s the reaction they’re hoping for, and in the grand scheme of

    things, you probably didn’t even do anything that uncouth or embarrassing anyway.

    You see, such back-handed pleasantries are generally not motivated by objective good-will or

    camaraderie, but instead by feelings of jealousy that probably existed well before last night’s

    epicness. Maybe you perform better than them at work. Maybe you’re just more fun and

    people like you more. Or maybe this person just wanted to get with you and got bitter when

    you didn’t pay him or her any attention. Either way, their jealousy and resulting insecurities

    make them consistently strive