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33. Groups of Dudes Who Impose Their Bro-Banter on theGeneral Public
April 21, 2011 by patfoley9
“Bro, we could TOTALLY have our own show.”
A sharp rise in this phenomenon can be attributed to a recent upturn in edgy, crew-based,
dialogue-driven shows like “It’s Always Sunny,” “The League,” “How I Met Your Mother,”
etc. Such shows have a way of making every boner with a few buds think that his crew’s
schtick is just as funny, cool, and generally entertaining as any appearing on T.V. They watch
those shows and say “this is so like us, man” or “we could have a show like this,” or “we
should start recording ourselves and send it in to a network!” So convinced are they of their
posse’s collective comedic merit that they feel compelled to showcase it whenever a group of
strangers have no choice but to sit and listen to them.
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Hence, these bozos tend to strike wherever a large group of similarly situated strangers are
experiencing forced downtime. Waiting for a flight at the airport, riding on the subway,
waiting in a waiting room – really any setting where people tend to sit quietly and mind their
own business. They are almost always college-aged, which is immediately evident from both
their amateurish sense of humor and lack of social awareness.
Albeit, what appears to be a conversation between friends, is really a performance – a public
dialogue to entertain the less fortunate strangers who don’t have a hip clique to talk to.
Usually quarterbacking the discussion is the aesthetically-inferior loudmouth of the group who
fancies himself “the funny one.” Sometimes sporting glasses, some minor man-boobage (cup
size roughly 30-A), and a dingy pair of cargo shorts that rest atop wider-than-would-be-
expected shins, this jerkoff fuels the conversation by busting the balls of the less boisterous
crew members and alluding to party stories, past hook-ups, and inside jokes with jusssst
enough detail for everyone to kind of get it. Clearly this guy thinks he is really witty. Except
that he isn’t because nothing he says is even close to being funny and he just won’t shut up.
But from his witless perspective, this is his time to shine – his opportunity to show all these
strangers just what kind of killer material they’ve been missing by NOT being a part of his
crew. Because, clearly, with such wild party stories, such taboo inside jokes, and such ripe
ball-busting abilities, we can only surmise that he and his boys are really cool and that their
lives are totally epic and fun.
So, please, by all means good Sirs, carry on like hyenas so we can get a taste of your
coolness. Pour us a glass of your awesomeness. Show us all how fun life is in your
circle. After all, we’ve got time to kill, and were it not for your boisterous bro-banter, we’d
just have to sit here reading, working, or otherwise minding our own business like respectable
people.
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32. The Media Whores Who Tried To Sell Us On The Idea That TheCraigslist Killer Was “Handsome”
January 10, 2011 by patfoley9
The Craigslist Killer: A True Adonis
This has actually been bothering me since this story first broke, however, my feelings
suddenly resurfaced last night when I caught the replay of the Lifetime Original movie, “The
Craigslist Killer.”
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But since this story first came about, the media has been telling me how “handsome” this kid
was, when I can plainly see that he looks like a demented goose. And there is absolutely no
question in my mind that this is how it went down:
Media Executives: “You know what will make this story way more sensational? If we
pepper our coverage of it with the word ‘handsome.’ Cause our angle here is that it
was so unexpected that a kid with everything going for him would go on a killing
spree. But in order to complete that narrative, we need to make him ‘handsome.’
Cause if we admit to people that he’s got a face like a dirty old catcher’s mitt, then it
won’t seem like he had everything going for him. In the grand scheme of things, we
can all admit that if we saw this kid eating a tuna sandwich for lunch, it would
totally make us want to throw up. But people like that do NOT have ‘everything
going for them.’ SO instead of letting his gangly face ruin the narrative that we want
to shove down people’s throats, we better keep talking about how handsome he is
until people start accepting it as the truth. Otherwise, we will sell fewer papers and
capture less viewers. And we CAN’T have that!”
And so, we get this crap:
“He presented a virtual identity to society which everyone could buy into – the guy next door,
tall and blond and handsome…” - 48 Hours
“…the suspect in the Craigslist murder case turns out to be a handsome 23-year-old medical
student, engaged to his college sweetheart.” - Boston Globe
“To be sure, on the surface 23-year-old Philip Markoff appears to be a handsome, clean-cut
young man with a bright future.” -Associated Content (Yahoo).
To quote Nell Carter, “give me a break!” On what planet would this gawky goofball be
considered handsome?
Oh yes, media outlets, we all want to know! How COULD such a handsome young man with
everything going for him snap and kill so many craigslist hussies? Could it have been his
gangly smile and features that made him so pissed off? Or perhaps it was his horrid, side-
swiping razor burn? Or, maybe he just had some unresolved, deeply-rooted issues with his
dad (seen here):
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In any event, this type of media whoredom (eerily examined in the 1976 Academy Award
winning movie, Network ), has always made me want to puke. And that is no less the case
here. It’s better for the media to say that this kid was handsome and awesome because it
makes for a sexier story – much sexier than the “pale, pasty, nerd loses it and kills girls who
would never sleep with him unless he paid for it” approach.
But I’m not drinking that kool-aid. This dude sucked, plain and simple. His story was mildly
fascinating because he did have lot going for him. He was smart, accomplished, and engaged
to a sweet gal. But “handsome” was definitely not part of the Philip Markoff package.
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C’mon, I mean, ew.
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31. People Who Make Snarky, Next-day Comments About How Drunk You Got th e Prior Evening
December 22, 2010 by patfoley9
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Whether I’m staring unproductively at my work computer screen or simply lying in bed, awake
but feeling like Rocky during his post-fight shower at the beginning of Rocky V , nothing is
more obnoxious and more poorly received than the snarky text, g-chat, or what-have-you
from the judgmental bystander who bore witness to the calamitous bender the night before.
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SOMEBODY had a good time last night.
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How are YOU feeling today?
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YOU certainly had fun last night.
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Though such comments are harmless and well intentioned between good buds, when said with
an air of passive-aggressiveness by a person on the periphery of your friend-sphere or a co-
worker you aren’t that tight with, it is more to say that, in their opinion, you acted like a
drunken boob last night.
And while you’re initial reaction may be to buy into their assessment, recoil with guilt, and
nervously try to remember what behavior could have prompted such a
critique, don’t! Because that’s the reaction they’re hoping for, and in the grand scheme of
things, you probably didn’t even do anything that uncouth or embarrassing anyway.
You see, such back-handed pleasantries are generally not motivated by objective good-will or
camaraderie, but instead by feelings of jealousy that probably existed well before last night’s
epicness. Maybe you perform better than them at work. Maybe you’re just more fun and
people like you more. Or maybe this person just wanted to get with you and got bitter when
you didn’t pay him or her any attention. Either way, their jealousy and resulting insecurities
make them consistently strive to reassure themselves of their own superiority. And what
better way to do that than to leap at any and every opportunity to highlight what they
perceive to be your failures.
SO, to these self-righteous weasels I say, spare me your snarky guilt-trip! I’m not sorry that I
went out and got awesome last night. And I’m NOT sorry that I had more fun than a squirrel
trapped in a convenience store while you chose to be the anchor on everybody’s fun-boat.
Because I know your game and I know what you’re up to. And if you think your loaded
sarcasm is going to fill me with next-day remorse or otherwise put a bee in my bonnet, then
answer me this:
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Honorable Mention – Holiday Edition! The counter girl at Borders who ca lled me a “grinch ” this morning when I conf ided in her th at Iintended to use strategic gamesmanship to win back my owncontribution to the office “yankee swap” and return it.
December 21, 2010 by patfoley9
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Shut up, Lady! I was only kidding… sorta.
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30. Advertisers Who Showcase the Boston Accent inTheir Commercials
December 16, 2010 by patfoley9
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Try the Nutty Bahhhs, Ya Prick!
Whether it’s professional commercial actors making a mockery of the Boston accent or simply
a small business owner from Boston starring in his own ad, commercials that feature a thick
Boston accent have a way of making me cringe more than that scene in About Schmidt where
Kathy Bates shows full-frontal nudity.
But the weird thing is I can’t really pinpoint why they’re so painful. Maybe it’s just because the
accent is so distracting. Or maybe it’s because it insults my intelligence – as if I’m going to
say “wow, I’m from Boston, so I can identify with this commercial. This company totally gets
me. So I’m totally gonna buy their shit!” Or maybe it’s just because I know its gonna be used
against me the next time some slap-dick from New York gets drunk and tries to tell me why
New York is better than Boston – a debate that misguided tourists from New York always
seem to think people from Boston want to have.
Either way, I think two rules of thumb could eradicate this phenomenon once and for all:
(1) For small business owners, if your business can’t afford to make a commercial that looks
professional and stars someone other than you, then don’t make one. Stick to print ads.
Consumers don’t respect cheap commercials.
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(2) For larger companies, don’t pander to us by lampooning the accent we hear everyday. It
doesn’t inflate us with a sense of pride and it doesn’t make us say “wow, you get me.” It just
makes your company look like its run by a bunch of phony weasels and it’s “wicked” lame.
Perhaps some painstaking examples could help illustrate my point:
McDonalds’ Commercial for Newman’s Own New England Blend Coffee: Possibly the
most gut-wrenching ad campaign to ever come down the Pike (pun INtended). A
classic example of a big company going for the “wow, you get me” effect. Epic Fail –
I hate these guys.
P S Gourmet Coffee in South Boston: This ad, starring a guy who looks like someone
you’d see getting tossed from Jose McIntyre’s, is also pretty brutal. But I’m pretty
sure it only airs within the Boston city limits. OnUrbanSpoon.com, this joint’s only
reviewer said “coffee’s decent but they have a shady crew of rapper wanna be’s
hanging outside.” Gee…wouldn’t have guessed.
Side note: When I went to get this on YouTube I noticed that one month ago my friend, Luke
Grilli posted a comment mocking it. Bravo, Luke. Bravo.
Olympia Sports: If I was this dad, I’d tell this jerk to pull over so I could kick his ass
both for questioning my skills as a parent and for sassing my boy.
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Final Note, Unrelated to Commercials: To quote my friend, Ben Martin while once
examining a mysterious piece of cafeteria meat, “What. The Fu#k. Is this?”
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29. Cuba Gooding, Jr.
December 10, 2010 by patfoley9
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"Show me the money! The straight-to-DVD money that is!"
Although I personally thought that the slapstick romp, Rat Race was awesome, objectively I
can admit that this was the beginning of the end for CGJ. For soon thereafter, in an ultimate
twist of irony, the beloved actor who once won an Oscar for his performance in a movie about
what a great agent he had, began methodically kicking his career in the plums by taking on
crap-movie after crap-movie until his professional integrity rivaled that of his brother, Omar
(of Wild ‘n’ Crazy Kids fame) who is now arguably the cooler of the Gooding brothers (mostly
because he probably still hangs out with Mr. Cooper from Hangin’ with Mr. Cooper – and that
guy’s pretty awesome. He also might be able to hook you up with Donnie Jeffcoat, although I
heard they had a falling out – possibly over a love triangle with Annette Chavez.)
After catching his foot in his undies with Rat Race, CGJ proceeded to hop clumsily
through Snow Dogs, The Fighting Temptations, and Boat Trip before going full-retard
in Radio (which, as Kirk Lazarus explained in Tropic Thunder, is a death-blow to any actor’s
career).
After that, things just got worse for the once great Boy ‘n’ the Hood, as a cursory survey of
his post-Radio filmography reveals a body of work slightly more impressive than that of Joey
Lawrence. Besides bit-parts in American Gangster and Norbit , the most impressive of his
roughly twenty-five movies is Daddy Day Camp, the trailer for which I believe caused me to
throw a shoe at my television.
And it’s sad really, because Cuba didn’t always suck. Quite the opposite, in fact –Boyz ‘n’ the
Hood was the balls; Jerry Maguire was awesome; and Men of Honor was pretty sweet. And
just like everyone else, I thought for many years that Cuba was going to one day replace
Morgan Freeman as Hollywood’s light-black-skin-with-freckles, sage-wise elder statesman…
But it seems that that won’t happen now, as Cuba Gooding, Jr. has foregone his position as a
highly sought after talent and instead opted to compete with Jean Claude Van Damme in the
straight-to-DVD market.
So for allowing your once impressive career to implode; for letting me down; for letting US
down; but most of all, for letting Morgan Freeman down, I say without reservation that you,
Mr. Gooding Jr., SUCK!
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28. The Swine at Craigslist Who Foiled My Publicity Stunt/Brilliant
Marketing Strategy – You Cowards!
December 6, 2010 by patfoley9
Full Craigslist Post - Click To Enlarge
How is it that every rubber, tugger, and flaxen-haired murderer can turn to Craigslist to
peddle their perverse wares, but I can’t recruit a local high school sports team to strap on a
set of reins and tow me to work on a dog sled?
Now how the hell am I supposed to get to work?? Riddle me THAT, Craig!
You Swine!
Publicity Stunt Gone Awry! After only 35 minutes no less!
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•
• SHAMELESS PUBLICITY STUNTS FROM A ROUND THE W EB
•
A RCHIVES
o April 2011 (1)
o January 2011 (1)
o
December 2010 (6)
o November 2010 (10)
o
October 2010 (17)
• A P AT FOLEY ENDEAVOR
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• © Patrick Foley andPeopleWhoSuck.org 2010
• TOP POSTS
o
Caught Sucking! The Food Network's Giada De Laurentiis: A Chronic Offender of #11
o 23. Barbacks Who Know They Look Like Bartenders But Still Stare at You Like a Jerkoff When You
Accidentally Attempt to Order a Drink From Them
o 27. Whoever Was Responsible For Pulling the Plug on "Assy McGee"
o 2. Janeane Garofalo
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