personalnarrative final draft coffin week 1

7/24/2019 Personalnarrative Final Draft Coffin Week 1

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I crouched down and gingerly crawled underneath the chain-link fence. My friend Chris

was behind me holding the edge up. His expression was grave; he was focused on the mission.

nly a few minutes ago we had shared a laugh over a dirty !oke he had overheard his father tell

someone. Chris had flubbed the punchline" but we laughed nonetheless. #here was something

satisfying about uttering obscenities where no one would hear but us and there could be no

conse$uences. %Cussin&' was what any self-respecting man got up to in the company of other

men" and on this fall afternoon" on this mission of liberation" were we not men(

)o it was that we came to be creeping through the woods outside our subdivision. #here

was a fort in these woods. It wasn&t much* !ust three pieces of corrugated steel leaned against a

toppled tree and lashed down with some twine. #his eyesore was +ort ,nox and Helm&s eep

and )uperman&s +ortress of )olitude and more besides. #he +ort you could almost hear the

capital letters when we spoke of it/ was freedom. 0nything could happen there away from the

prying eyes of parents and teachers. %Cussin&' abounded. )omeone had stashed in an old cigar

box a waterlogged 1layboy he had fished from a storm drain. #here were rumors some of the

older kids came there to smoke cigarettes. #ruly" this was a place for men.

2e could never arrange an e$uitable schedule of shared ownership of #he +ort. Instead"

we fought over it. 0fter several months" countless bloody noses and black eyes" and more than

a little unwelcome parental scrutiny" these skirmishes evolved into a rituali3ed combat. 2e

called it #he 2ar. 0 group of kids could claim #he +ort as their own only so long as they could

defend it. 2ith rocks and clods of dirt" would-be liberators clashed with the occupiers of #he

+ort. #he rules were simple* if you got hit" you were dead. If you were dead" you gave up rights

to #he +ort. If you cried or refused to abide by the terms of #he 2ar" including giving up #he

+ort when you were dead" you were liable to get your butt kicked.

My s$uad had once been three men strong; now it was down to Chris and myself. ur

third" 4ustin" had died over the summer. 2e were at the lake for a barbecue and he had gone

swimming in a restricted area of the lake. He had gone under" gotten tangled up in the thick"


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black weeds that choked up a few parts of the lake" and drowned. 0fter the funeral" Chris and I

never talked about him again. Chris& mom had told mine that he had taken the loss hard" and I

know I had cried myself to sleep on more than one occasion. I suppose that the wound was still

too raw and even though we were best friends" we would have rather forgotten our friend

altogether than risk crying in front of each other. 2ere we not men(

0s a two-man unit" we were at a serious disadvantage against the other" larger running

crews. +urthermore" we were neither athletic nor physically imposing. 2e would have to rely on

the element of surprise. 2e could have snuck into #he +ort when we knew it to be unoccupied"

but that would have been a hollow victory. #he +ort" and everything it stood for" had to be fairly

won. +ighting for what you deserved was what men did. 2ere we not men(

Chris had heard through the grapevine that some of the older kids were at #he +ort after

school and he knew this was our best chance. 2e would swoop down upon them" catch them

unawares" pelt them with dirt clods" send them packing" and finally get a look at that 1layboy.

#he +ort" at long last" would be ours" if only for as long as it would take for them to call for

reinforcements.

#hat was the plan.

#he reality was brutal. #he other kids could hear me huffing and whee3ing from a mile

away" and they were ready and waiting for us. I caught a fist-si3ed rock between my shoulder

blades before we could bellow our war cry. Chris managed a little better and led a few of the

kids on a chase while I lay down on a pile of leaves" dead. #he kid who had pegged me with a

rock started talking trash" but I wasn&t paying attention. It didn&t really matter; I was dead. I

wondered what dying would really be like. 2ould it be this boring( 2ould I lay there under the

dirt and !ust stare up at the world until the worms ate my eyes( 2as 4ustin bored( 2as he

staring up at us silently" waiting for his chance to get back in the game(


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My reverie was broken by the crunching of leaves. Chris came back" rubbing his arm

where I supposed the other kids had tagged him. %Come on"' he said" stopping by me long

enough for me to get up.

%#hey got you(' I asked. He spit on the ground. %)orry" man"' I said. I couldn&t help but

feel our failure was my fault.

%It&s nothing"' he said" and laughed. %2e&ll get 5em tomorrow.'

2e laughed and cussed all the way home. 2ere we not men(

Reflection on the following page.

I think the most valuable part of this writing exercise for me is an exposure to another

type of prewriting activity. I have used freewriting prompts in the past to help students generate

ideas which they can elect to later develop into full-fledged writing pro!ects the one I used most

recently was %2hen I was little6' after a reading from a mentor text by 7ary )oto/" but I liked


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using a map to help focus my recollection by tying them to something concrete. 0s I work with

an age group that is still refining their capacity for abstract thought" I think this could be useful. I

had similarly considered employing a physical manipulative like 8ory&s )tory Cubes to help

students come up with ideas for writing" but I couldn&t get the purchase order approved in time

to use them this year.

#he easy part of writing for me was coming up with an idea. It&s hard to describe what it

felt like as I was writing. #he best I can do is call it a series of images in my mind&s eye" like an

album of snapshots that showed the events I wanted to write about. #he hard part was taking

those scenes and developing them in such a way that I was not !ust telling a story about a time

but removing and emphasi3ing certain details to articulate a theme. I didn&t even have a theme

in mind at first; it !ust emerged on its own through writing. I made a couple $uick edits while I

was still drafting to strengthen the connection between dissimilar but conceptually related

things. #hinking back on it now" semantic mapping might be a valuable tool for students to work

on when emphasi3ing theme in their writing. 7iven an organi3er with a topic in the center let&s

say love" for example/" they can then build a web of places" people" and things which give that

topic context. #hese associations can then be developed in their writing to support an emergent

theme.

+or my own development as a writer" I have found that I have more in my own life to

write about than I would have supposed. I don&t think I&ve led a particularly interesting life" but

there is something there that can maybe be turned into something worth reading about. I have

noticed about my writing that I am really long-winded. I&m the writing e$uivalent of the guy who

talks !ust to hear the sound of his own voice. In the middle of writing" what seem like clever

!okes and interesting uses of vocabulary comes across on later rereadings as smart-assed and

snobbish. It&s a tendency I need to be on guard against. #hat having been said" for this

assignment I tried to cut as much as I could without toppling the theme I tried to articulate. I cut

the bit about me eating an atmeal Creme 1ie when Chris came over which I originally


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included to lend the story more authenticity" as it was something I did nearly every school day/

as well as some superfluous description. It hurts to cut when you start to fall in love with your

words" but after getting over the initial %but I don&t wanna' reaction" I have to admit that leaner is

better.

personalnarrative final draft coffin week 1

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