pickled piracy and other stories

8/11/2019 Pickled Piracy and Other Stories

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Pickled Piracy & Other Stories

Or

We're Not Gherkin Around!

Written by the GagMen on The GagMen Podcast Ep. 23

Illustrations by GagHouse Productions, Tyler Davis, and Seth Stephenson

Some artwork copyright Claudio Pozas, used with permission.

Special Guest Brandon McFadden

This work is licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution 4.0 International License. To view acopy of this license, visithttp://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/

Note: The Beholder is a creature that is not covered by the OGL, and is owned as a property of

Wizards of the Coast. The smart choice would be to not include the beholder, but we are not smart and like

getting a fun story out. Dear Wizards of the Coast, please give us a pass on this. We dont want your money

and we arent planning on making any ourselves.

Table of ContentsIntroduction ....................................................... 3

Summary ............................................................ 3

Setting/Theme ................................................... 3

Theme ............................................................ 3

Plot ..................................................................... 3

Lost At Sea ...................................................... 3

Pirates to the Rescue ..................................... 4

The Pirate Test ............................................... 4

Why is Everyone Mopping? ........................... 5

Why all the Pickles? ....................................... 5

Honorable Pirates?! ....................................... 6Conflict ............................................................... 7

Its a Miracle!................................................. 7

You have a WHAT?!! in the hold?............... 8

Inept Pirates Make Good ............................... 9

The Super Happy Fun Ending ....................... 10

Characters ........................................................ 11

Pirate Captain Beardy .................................. 11

Sea Hogg ...................................................... 11

First Mate Stashy ......................................... 12

Captain Adric Deajor .................................... 12

Lieutenant Jhones ........................................ 13

Davi, The Beholder....................................... 14

Lady Ipeneth ................................................ 14

Details .............................................................. 15Why care about goblins? ............................. 15
http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/


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Introduction

Most Gagmen adventures are created using the Basic Fantasy Rules by

Chris Gonnerman, but we encourage you try them with any retro-clone versions

of Dungeons & Dragons, or the version of Dungeons & Dragons you may be more familiar with. This

particular adventure was written with our Special Guest Brandon McFadden, the creator of Tiny Dungeon,

who has also graciously provided us with stats for use with the Tiny Dungeon System. This adventure

was designed for starting level characters, preferably levels 1 - 3, and the GagMen have included plenty

of silly little things to help keep your gaming experience fun.

This Talk Like a Pirate Day special adventure was written liveon the GagMen RPG Podcast on

Episode 23: The Gherkin Pirates. The GagMen Podcast is intended to help the beleaguered DM

looking to liven up a game or a quick idea to help fill in until your real campaign is ready. We hope you

and your players enjoy the game and will look for us the next time you could use some help or just a

laugh. As always, feel free to modify the adventure to suit your own campaign and game mastering style,and if you do let us know how it came out, where we messed up, or where we went right!

This adventure contains a barrel load of gherkin and pickle puns used extensively throughout the

podcast and the adventure. The GagMen advise that you refrain from using these terrible puns, as most

puns should only be used under the supervision of a professional comedian. Any attempt to use a pun

could result in cancer, heart disease, repeated beatings, attacks by prehistoric monsters, diminished

pride, lowered sperm counts, bad grades, social ostracism, and a general giddy nature. You have been

warned.

This game has been brought to you by Talk like a Pirate Day and the letters Aye, the C, and

R. Please enjoy September 19th

, and try not to be annoyed that not everyone is playing along.

Summary

Shipwrecked and lost at sea, the party receives unexpected

recue from a Pirate Ship and its scurvy crew. Invited to join the crew in

their wacky adventures, the Party quickly discovers that these pirates are

nothing but posers! Adrift with wannabe pirates, and only a Barrel of

gherkins for food, the party seems destined for Davey Jones Locker!

When all seems lost, salvation arrives in the form of a military vessel!

Unfortunately, that same vessel is on its way to destroy the goblin

capital. Can the heroes stop this massacre with only a bunch of farmers and shepherds at their side, or

will the heroes try to stop the genocidal military by themselves? Either way, it looks like theyre in a real

picklenow!


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Setting/Theme

The Lyngloc Sea lies to the north

east of Brattleburg, along the sandy

coastline of the human ruled country of

Trinel. Any map worth a look includes

three things: Terrifying drawings of sea

creatures, the Lyngloc Sea, and the words

Here there be Monsters! Unfortunately,

a map of The Lyngloc Sea has all three in

the same area. Lyngloc is filled with some

of the most dangerous creatures and

notorious scallywags youll ever

encounter.

This adventure takes place aboard

several different ships in the brimey

Lyngloc, but will start aboard the pirate

ship The Sea Hogg, a light galleon

undermanned by forty crewmen. The

hold is well stocked with barrels full of

pickled gherkins, and little else.

Theme

The theme of this Adventure is

Doing the impossible, even if it isnt the

smart thing to do. The players will be

faced with a moral decision that could

leave them stranded or dead, and if they

fail to act it could mean the end of an

entire civilization. As dungeon master it

will be important to keep the players

focused on the moral implications of

genocide, coupled with the destruction of

the only people that could help the

heroes.

Plot

Lost At Sea

The heroes begin lost at sea, for

whatever reason, and stranded on a small

dinghy that is slowly taking on


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water. Perhaps they were cast out from

another ship, were the survivors of

sunken ship, or maybe they went fishing

and got too far away from the shore. We

suggest giving the players a few moments

to acclimate to their seaborn situation

before proceeding to the next scene. If

none of the players can think of an

acceptable reason for why they are lost at

sea, consult the chart below.

1D6 Why are we lost at sea?

1 It was his/her fault, andpoint at anyrandom player.

2 You just woke up, and must have been

drugged.

3 A clever escape from the last adventure,which left you in the middle of nowhere.

4 You were aboard a luxury liner thatcrashed into an iceberg.

5 You decided to take a nap in a rowboat,and woke up here.

6 Rumors of terrible undersea creatureshave led you out to the ocean.

Pirates to the Rescue

Once the Party has embraced the

hopelessness of their situation, enter The

Sea Hogg. The Sea Hogg, a light

galleon, will come alongside the

adventurers and haul them onboard. The

sailors should be easily recognizable as

pirates by the eye patches and the blatant

Jolly Roger flying at the top of the mast.

The Pirate Test

Pirates will bring the heroes before

Stashy, first mate of the Sea

Hogg. Stashy will proudly tell the Party

the tale of his great and amazing crew,

and their many years of mastering the

sea. Eventually Stashy will introduce

them to Captain Beardy and his pet

pig. The Pirates should then offer to

adopt the party into their ranks, but only if

they pass a series of serious pirating

tests. The pirates will start with questions

easily answered by anyone who has ever

been to sea, such as: Swab the Deck,

Keelhaul, Weigh anchor and hoist the

mizzen, or they may simply call out parts

of the ship and ask party to name


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them. Behind the main group of pirates,

one of the smaller men will have his eye

patch flipped up and be furiously jotting

down notes. The pirates are using these

tests to learn nautical skills that they lack,

but will disguise this as much as possible

and deny it if they are caught.

Why is Everyone Mopping?

Over the next few weeks, the

group should notice more and more things

that suggest these pirates may not haveany idea how to be pirates; much less

even handle the ship that they are

using. These clues should be subtle, yet

consistent. The simplest example of this

is to have three or more of the men

constantly mopping, more than on any

other ship the party members have ever

seen. If confronted about mopping, the

pirates will claim they insist on a clean

ship and immediately stop. If

confrontation

occurs, then

anytime

afterwards the

same men will

be seen walking

aimlessly

around deck

with a

bewildered look

in their eyes.

The mopping may be less obvious

than the sheer number of sailors vomiting

and suffering from sea sickness. Perhaps

the mopping is just cleaning up

everyones sick from off the deck. The

simple point here is to be subtle, while

giving clues to the party so they are

not completely caught off guard later;

though just how subtle these clues are is

up to you.

Why all the Pickles?

The ships hold is stuffed full of

pickled gherkins because the new pirates

really had no idea how to keep food at

sea, so they stocked up on the one item

that they knew would stay

preserved. Other common mistakes the

pirate crew might make include running

the sails full and at all times and leaving

the wheel unmanned.

Perhaps one of the heroes may

notice that the stars at night are just going

in a circular pattern. If the pirates are

confronted about any of these unusual

things, they will find some believableexcuse to have it ignored. If the party

presses the issue then jump to the reveal

in the Honorable Pirates section.

While the party is aboard the Sea

Hogg, it is expected that it may take more


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than just a few days, and the dungeon

master may want to extend the game into

a longer story arc. As normal, feel free to

add any side adventures along to stretch

out the game as long as you need it. Just

be warned: players tend to thrive on

adventure, so look for encounters to keep

them interested. Perhaps you could even

add in a little pirate treasure. The longer

the party spends with the pirates, the

more connected with them they should

feel, and increasing the chance they will

try to call on their aid later in the game. In

the meantime, below is a quick ocean-

base random encounter table. Keep in

mind that the random table has very

powerful encounters that may need to be

modified depending on the party level.

1d10 Randum OceanEncounter

#Appearing

1 Octopus, Giant 1

2 Merfolk 1d8

3 Squid, Giant 1

4 Sea Bass, Ill Tempered 2d20

5 Dolphins 2D8

6 Sea Hag 1

7 Dire Sharks 1d4

8 Nymph, Water 1D4

9 Whale, humpback 1d4

10 Dragon Turtle 1

Honorable Pirates?!

The final straw comes when they

come across the merchant ship, The

Lonely Shark. The merchant ship is only

manned by a family of five men, spanning

three generations. When the crew raids

the vessel, the merchant surrenders

immediately. The pirates, rather than

taking their lives, will apologize and

explain We didnt realize thiswas afamily business. They will send the

merchants on their way, and even

offer a barrel of pickles for the

trouble. When the ship

leaves the crew would agree,


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It wouldnt be right to steal.

Eventually, the party will confront

the captain, who will reveal that the crew

is made up of normal people who thought

that being pirates would be fun; so they

bought a ship and went out to sea. As it

turned out, being a pirate wasnt

everything they thought it was cracked up

to be. They were expecting high flying

adventures and noble adversaries. With

no planning, they didnt get charts or even

a sextant; as farmers, they dont even

know how to handle a ship, and they had

actually been lost for almost a month

when they found the heroes.

onflict

It s a Miracle!

The H.M.S. Miracle, a military ship,

shows up just in time to arrest/save them.

While they were not looking for pirates,Captain Deajor was glad to put the ship in

tow and drag it back with them after their

mission. The Miracle is a heavy naval

ship, with forty guns and over one-

hundred-fifty man crew.

The captain will be glad to help out

the poor lost pirates and their crew, and

will likely assume that the party is a part of

the crew. If the heroes are sick of the

pirates and their incompetents, they may

be able to convince the captain that they

want off the Sea Hogg as soon as

possible. If the heroes leave the pirate

ship, they will have limited access

onboard the Miracle, and will be asked to

help with small boring tasks around the

ship.

Many of the crew of the Miracle will

have plenty to talk about, including a few

things that are talked about in hushed

tones (see Scuttlebutt Table).


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1D8 Scuttlebutt Table (Gossiponboard t he H.M.S. Miracle)

1 There is a terrible storm coming.

2

The captain is just using the piratesas patsies.

3 We are hunting a dangerous seamonster that the captain has beenhunting for weeks.

4 There is royalty onboard.

5 We are on a top secret mission tohunt down an invisible ship.

6 Jhones is keeping a secret feast inhis locker down in the hold for ourvictory.

7 We are delivering medical suppliesto a foreign power in need.

8 The captain intents to start a warwith the goblins, but I dont knowhow.

You have a WHAT?!! in the hold?

Eventually, the curiosity of the

adventurers should lead to explore the

hold, where they discover a terrible

beast! Captain Deajor is planning to

unleash a Beholder on the goblin capital

and destroy them in one massive

strike, thus starting and ending a war in

one day, and possibly wiping theentire

stinking goblin species out, according to

Captain Deajor. The Miracle is acting

alone, without the knowledge of their

commanders.

If the party does not catch on to

any subtle hints and are perfectly happy

to be saved and not bother to look around

the Miracle, enter Lady Ipeneth. Lady

Ipeneth was sent along as an

ambassador to the goblins to talk over a

possible trade agreement that would

benefit all. She had no idea that Captain

Deajor was planning genocide, nor didshe realize the creature to be used was

even in the hold. The captain has been


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keeping her locked in her stateroom up to

now, but once she discovered there was

another ship, she escaped to beg for their

help.

Inept Pirates Make Good

Whether the party finds out on their

own, or if Lady Ipeneth shows up to lay

out the plot for them, the party will have to

turn to the crew of the Sea Hogg for

help. Captain Beardy should be very

disheartened, as most of the crew has

become despondent. They have failed at

being the swashbuckling pirates they had

hoped for, and like sad children are being

sent home. It will take a strong speech

and a good rally cry to get the crew back

into shape if they are to have any chance

of launching an attack on the Miracle or

saving the goblins.

This challenge should prove

complicated for every level of gamer, as

the party is outnumbered, out classed,

outgunned and in the middle of

nowhere. Tactically it is a complicated

situation, the moral implications are high,

and the dangers are very real. If none of

your players feel up to the challenge, then

Lady Ipeneth will step up and lead the

group of gherkin pirates to stop Captain

Deajor. Hopefully, your adventurers will

decide who they want to band with the

crew at some point.


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The Super Happy Fun Ending

The gherkin pirates help free Davi, and

in exchange the beholder will teach the

dreaming swashbucklers how to become

effective pirates. Lady Ipeneth will

declare the gherkin pirates official

freebooters aligned with the Brattleburg

Navy, and perhaps join them in exploring

more of the world. The heroes are

dropped off at a nearby port, probably the

goblin capital, and given an acceptable

reward for helping Captain Beardy and his

crew. The Miracle will be taken back to

Brattleburg and assigned a new

captain. Should Deajor survive, he will be

sent off to prison for the rest of his days

(or perhaps return to get his revenge on

the party?).


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haracters

Pirate Captain Beardy(a.k.a. Webber Herrman, pig farmer)

(AC 12;hp 16; #AT: 1; save as Fighter lvl 3; DMG cutlass

1d6)

Tiny Dungeon Stats:(HP 4; Move 25; Proficient with Light

Melee Weapons [Cutlass])

Captain Beardy is a stout dwarven leader that

convinced forty fellow dreamers to come along on the wildadventure of becoming seafaring thrill seekers. Since

Beardy was raised as a decent person, he and his friends follow an imaginary chivalric

code that does not fit well with the ideals of normal piracy. He has also brought along his

beloved pet pig, Hoggsworth, whom he has renamed Sea Hogg, after the ship.

Sea Hogg(a.k.a. Hoggsworth, pet pig)

(AC 15; hp 8; #AT: 1; save as Fighter 2; DMG bite

1d2)

Tiny Dungeon Stats: (HP 2; Move 30; Bite Attack

with Advantage)


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First Mate Stashy(a.k.a. Pyte Minchin, a cobbler)

(AC 12; hp 11; #AT: 1; save as Thief lvl 2; DMG dagger 1d4)

Tiny Dungeon Stats: (HP 4; Move 25; Proficient with Light Melee

Weapons [Dagger])

Pyte always had a fondness for the stories that his good friend

Webber had told him of the sea. So it was no surprise that he

followed him out on this crazy venture. Even though things have not

gone as they planned, he has still been enjoying his life onboard the

Sea Hogg and would gladly do it again.

Pirate Crewman

(AC 11; hp 8-10; #AT: 1; DMG cutlass 1d6; save as Fighter lvl 2)

Tiny Dungeon Stats: (HP 2; Move 25; Proficient with Light Melee Weapons [Cutlass,

Dagger])

Captain Adric Deajor

(AC 15; hp 28; #AT: 1; save as Fighter lvl 4; DMG saber 1d8+2; Magic

Items: Saber+2(counts as longsword), potion of invisibility, boots of water

walking)

Tiny Dungeon Stats: (HP 8; Move 25; Proficient with Light Melee

Weapons, Mastery with Shortsword [Saber of Deajor]. Magic Items: Saber

of Deajor [Treat as a Heavy Weapon but can be wielded with one hand],

Potion of Invisibility, Boots of Water Walking)

An Elven naval captain of the Freemans Navy assigned to defend

Brattleburg. He was recently promoted to Captain, and has decided to

prove to his superiors that he has big ideas that help everyone. He has

found a way to contain a beholder and intends to unleash it upon the

goblin capital in order to prove his worth.


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Lieutenant Jhones

(AC 15; hp 12; #AT: 1; DMG dagger 1d4; save as

MU lvl 4; Spells - 1st: Sleep,Magic Missile, 2nd:

Web, Wizard Lock; Magic Items: Wand of Magic

Missiles (5 charges), Cloak of Displacement, Scroll

used to hold the Beholder)

Tiny Dungeon Stats: (HP 6; Move 25; Proficient

with Light Melee Weapons, Mastery with Dagger

[Dagger]. Spell-Touched. Spell-Reader. Magic

Items: Scroll of Sleep, Scroll of Entanglement,

Scroll of Pacification [used to hold Beholder]).

The ships battle mage, who is spending most of his energy keeping the beholder

imprisoned. Jhones is an ambitious young gnome that figured out a way to not only capture

but imprison a beholder. Jhones is not the most competent of mages, but he keeps getting

lucky and insisting on doing the impossible. Jhones was excited to impress Captain Deajor,

so excited that he forgot to think through why anyone would want to keep a beholder.

Navy Crewman

(AC 12; hp 8-12; #AT: 1; DMG rapier 1d4+1; save

as Fighter lvl 2)

Tiny Dungeon Stats: (HP 3; Move 25; Proficient

with Light Melee Weapons [Rapier])


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Davi, The Beholder

(AC 25; hd 11; hp 91; save as Fighter lvl 11; #AT: 2; DMG bite 1d8 + eye ray attacks)

Tiny Dungeon Stats: (HP 15; Move 25; Spell-Touched, Educated, Bite Attack with

Advantage, Eye Ray Attack with Advantage. Takes three turns during Combat)

Though she may look like many beholders, Davi has become less and less

interested in the beholder societysbeliefs of enslaving others and being xenophobic of the

world. She had set out to try and figure out what the world was all about and not just live in

some underground cavern. She had gotten to the surface and encountered many other

creatures, but everyone seemed to be afraid of her. She was tricked by the gnome jhones

and locked up in magical chains, which seem to dampen her abilities. She has been locked

up in the hold for over a month and is not very happy.

Lady Ipeneth

(AC 15; hp 21; #AT: 1; DMG longbow 1d8; save as Fighter lvl 4)

Tiny Dungeon Stats: (HP 8; Move 30; Proficient with Ranged Weapons,

Mastery with Bow [Long Bow], Proficient with Light Melee Weapons, Mastery

with Rapier, Alchemist, Educated)

The Lady Ipeneth is a beautiful, silvered haired female elf, with all the

refinements of the high elven courts. Her refinement and study has taught

her a great deal about the world, but she has never actually experienced

it. She became envious of great explorers and began exploring and mapping out the known

world. She has been trained in the art of fencing, horseback riding, astronomy, alchemy,

and thousands of other subjects making her far from incompetent.

Lady Ipeneth was called back to the courts after meeting the Ditani (see GagMen

Adventure G1406 - The Last Princess). Her work led the opportunity to act as an

ambassador, and she was asked to meet as a liaison for the goblin courts and

Brattleburg. Just after leaving the port, Captain Deajor announced that he had a better

plan to deal with the goblins. The captain ignored her protests and locked her in her cabin

for the rest of the voyage.


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Details

Why care about goblins?

In the GagMen adventures revolving

around the world of Brattleburg, goblins,

orcs, humans, dwarves, etc. all have

societies that live alongside one

another. Though it is traditional to hate

all living things that are not a playable

race, it seems unlikely that all

creatures are just standing at a spawn

point waiting to attack the next thing

that walks by. We play role-playing

games to have fun and enjoy each

otherscompany, but we also do it to

create and enjoy rich worlds that are

not our own. If you find yourself

attacking random creatures one after another, then odds are you are not role-playing, but

rather playing a video game.

Were not suggesting that yougo talk to every creature as if theyre your best friend,

but rather that every creature is there for a reason. Ecologically, historically, dietary,

religious for whatever reason, those creatures are there and shouldnt be wasted on the

simple pretext that they have xp and gold. That being said, go make your game as fun as

you want; if killing goblins is your accepted norm, then make the goblins in the story

halflings, humans, elves, or the best choice your players will want to save. Just make sure

you are having fun, because if that isnt happening, there just isnt much point in playing!


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Shipwrecked and lost at sea, the party receives unexpected recue from a Pirate Ship and its scurvy crew. Invited

to join the crew in their wacky adventures, the Party quickly discovers that these pirates are nothing but posers! Adrift

with wannabe pirates, and only a Barrel of gherkins for food, the party seems destined for Davey Jones Locker! When a

seems lost, salvation arrives in the form of a military vessel! Unfortunately, that same vessel is on its way to destroy the

goblin capital Can the heroes stop this massacre with only a bunch of farmers and shepherds at their side or will the

pickled piracy and other stories

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