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PILLAR 3 - CREATING PEACE IN YOUR LIFE, MODULE 5 - ANGER - THE ENEMY OF PEACE

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PILLAR 3 - CREATING PEACE IN YOUR LIFE, MODULE 5 - ANGER - THE ENEMY OF PEACE

PILLAR 3 - CREATING PEACE IN YOUR LIFE, MODULE 5 - ANGER - THE ENEMY OF PEACE

CAPSULE 5 - ANGER - THE ENEMY OF PEACE Considering the wonderful benefits to preventing anger from ever having a foothold in your life, you will want never to see anger again. There are techniques that through life King Solomon wisely learned to prevent anger from showing itself. It starts by finding the root causes of the unresolved anger. Would you be surprised to learn that anger is not natural for your body? Anger is a processed creation you installed in your mind that later comes out at unnatural times. Anger is rooted in earlier events. Recall the association made with the negative mindset. This negative mindset, as you learned in pillar one, was learned behavior. Thus, what is learned can be unlearned. Events always have an emotion, whether good or bad. We choose to link these to the event with pictures, sometimes, and show our friends that we had a wonderful time on vacation or at a business convention. Other times we keep a journal or social network page to log that we felt a certain way when our family member died, or a baby was born. Still, many events are too traumatic to forget. Disappointment over a lost promotion or failed pregnancy. Despair over a broken relationship from years ago. Frustration from missing a career or school opportunity. Fear from repeated memories of a prior traumatic event. The events are often a combination of emotions. Left detached from the original event, they float along in our memories waiting for some new event to attach itself to. Anger is fueled by negativism, the resulting mindset from not having these feelings processed or resolved. If the condition is chronic, lasting longer than six months, the person may have depression. Depression pointed outwards is produced as anger. The person should seek professional help in these cases. This is a knowledge based pillar. So, for those who wonder if depression is a root cause to anger consider if you feel depressed and have no interest in other things. Note if you have a loss or pronounced gain in weight. Identify if you have trouble moving about your daily activities as if in slow motion. Do you struggle with sleep or find your energy level has dropped? Have you found you feel guilty for things you have little need? Note if your concentration has plummeted or you have thoughts of suicide. If you have several of these, especially thoughts of suicide enter your mind; you need to see a professional. Dealing with anger also includes eliminating it. If you do not have depression and do not need to seek a professional, you can eliminate the anger. Some individuals suggest that you drain your anger that gets stored inside as if in a cup of anger. This concept suggests that you can have a cup that is filled to overflowing. Then, the only trick is to drain that cup, so you enjoy the satisfaction. The key is never to allow anger to have a foothold in the first place. Convert it to another language using emotion vocabulary. Instead of keeping it as an emotion, apply it to an emotion language. Learn the language of emotion. When you communicate to another person using words that describe your feelings without displaying the angry feelings, you allow them to understand how you feel without entering into the actual emotion.

PILLAR 3 - CREATING PEACE IN YOUR LIFE, MODULE 5 - ANGER - THE ENEMY OF PEACE

Consider the example of telling another individual that you feel disappointed that you are not going to the party with them tonight. You could have fussed and created a large display of anger over the event, but instead you simply stated your emotion. Your partner responds that they understand your deep feelings and suggests that an alternate arrangement might be possible. Alternately, they could respond that they don’t understand. This gives you an opportunity to share why you are disappointed, but without anger. You both work out a solution. In the end, there is no anger. Another technique to remove anger is to keep a journal. Journals or diaries used to be a fashionable item as a way to put thoughts down on paper then compare the related emotions. The biggest benefit was that it cemented the emotion to the event. And, no, do not advertise this on Facebook as so many people do! You, too, can use this technique to process experiences as they happen. Then, write your feelings next to them. Energy is released in this way exhausting all chances for anger to generate. One technique is to accept your grief. Sometimes you may be angry because you are processing grief. Kübler-Ross is a well-known psychiatrist who published the now-standard model for the human grief process. It is as necessary a cycle as drinking water, breathing air, and eating food. When you lose a loved one or item of major value such as a career, you must complete these stages whether you wish to or not. It starts with denial, proceeds with anger, then continues with bargaining, depression or sadness and finally acceptance. If you had a loss in your life, accept the loss and move to the bargaining process of trying to live without your loss. Another technique is to attempt to wear the shoes of the other party in the conflict. The Indians in the United States and along the North and South Americas share a common belief that conflict resolution requires some physical sharing of the other person’s possessions. This often has included wearing each other’s shoes. This idea was portrayed as Matthew Rhys played the part of a doppelgänger in a movie entitled The Scapegoat. He was depicted as a school teacher who looked identical to a wild, but dangerous aristocrat in England. The aristocrat wanted to avoid an impending financial disaster at the family business and switched places. However, the intelligent school teacher managed to solve the disaster. The Scapegoat had worn the shoes of the aristocrat. He understood the problems of the conflict. He also solved all the dysfunctions of the aristocrat’s family. Another technique is to look for good in evil. Proverbs 11:27 from Solomon states, “He who diligently seeks good seeks favor…” There is always good in everything, no matter how bad it may seem. The issue is the timeline. What may seem to be a bad event now is a lesson to be used later. If you had a tree land on your house, you probably would think that was a bad thing. You would contact insurance agents, carpenters, and maybe the town appraiser who has to re-evaluate your house value. This may be difficult, but look for the silver lining in that event. At some time, a contact from that event will produce a good outcome for you. You might learn about a discount on your homeowner’s insurance that you did not know that you could qualify!

PILLAR 3 - CREATING PEACE IN YOUR LIFE, MODULE 5 - ANGER - THE ENEMY OF PEACE

There are some who suggest that you write or type a letter to the person you hold anger. This is similar to journal or diary writing. If it allows you to release your anger, this is not helpful. Anger is not acceptable, whether directed privately in pen or publically to the person. Both experiences allow the emotion to percolate to the surface where it should not be present. Refer, instead to the emotion vocabulary technique. Another technique is the active part of forgiveness, which is to release the other person. Proverbs 17:9 from King Solomon states, “Love prospers when a fault is forgiven…” That love is the happiness you feel when you release the other person from the bonds you keep in your mind. It is by choice that you keep that person in your mind and remain unhappy. The mindset of happiness belongs to you. A final technique is to contact the other person. If you are not at risk of harm in breaking the deadlock, contacting them may be all that is needed. Often strained relationships that have ended with a communication break simply need someone to make the first move. Now, what about external anger that the other person uses in a relationship with us? As before, King Solomon advises in Proverbs 15: 1 that you should use “a soft answer to turn away anger while grievous words stir up wrath.” As stated earlier, don’t fight to have the last word. “For lack of wood the fire goes out, And where there is no whisperer, contention quiets down.” (Proverbs 26:20) Sometimes the damage has already been done with anger. It is time to make amends with the other party. But what is there to do? First, state exactly what the offence was that you did. Don’t mince or hide or alter the conditions. Just say it. Second, tell the other person that you are honestly, completely, and totally sorry for the offence. Third, ask for an apology. Fourth, state that you understand that their acceptance of your apology will require you to show that you intend to change things. This may be respecting their need for space or your taking action to show the lesson was learned. Finally, in response to the glamorous movies about revenge at the beginning of the capsule on anger, King Solomon has a reply. In Proverbs 24:29 he states, “Do not say, ‘I’ll do to him as he has done to me; I’ll pay that man back for what he did.’” Then, in Proverbs 26:27 he says, “Whoever digs a pit shall fall therein. And he that rolls a stone it will return unto him.” To those who enjoy the movies for the harm that happens to the enemy, Solomon has more wisdom. He says in Proverbs 24:17, “Do not rejoice when your enemy falls and do not let your heart be glad when he stumbles.” King Solomon counsels that we should instead look for ways to return good for evil. Proverbs 25:21 states, “If your enemy is hungry, give him bread to eat. If he is thirsty, give him water to drink.” Exercise Complete your exercise list in your small, wire-bound notebook writing the techniques to prevent anger from having a foothold in your life. These are:

1. Consider the root causes of the unresolved anger 2. Convert it to another language using emotion vocabulary 3. Keep a journal or diary to document events and their related emotions

PILLAR 3 - CREATING PEACE IN YOUR LIFE, MODULE 5 - ANGER - THE ENEMY OF PEACE

4. Accept your grief if you have had a loss 5. Try to wear the shoes of the other person 6. Look for good in evil. It is always there. 7. Release the other person in forgiveness 8. Contact the other person

Take a moment and add features under each to remind you how to apply them to prevent anger from having a presence in your life. Remember, anger is not a natural phenomenon.