Chapter 6 Fine-Tuning the SwingAnalyzing the Swing

Naked Eye vs. Captured ImagesFocus on the FirstVantage PointsStanceNegative MovePositive MoveToe Touch and Ready PositionLive and Independent HandsFirst MoveHeel PlantRotationConnectionBat LagReleaseContactExtensionFinishTimingBat Path

Improving TimingGet in Synch with the PitcherStart Sooner and Slower, Building in SpeedAlways Begin the Swing

Adjusting to PitchesMovement along the Horizontal PlaneMovement along the Vertical PlaneChanges in Speed

XXQU: Neither of your Drill Finder special elements are in the table of contents. QUXX.

<chap>Chapter 6 Fine-tuning the Swing (5,009 words)<text>Even hitters who have a perfect or near-perfect swing may still have trouble connecting with the ball with regularity. The two most common problems among hitters with good technique are having good timing and adjusting to individual pitches. Swinging the bat with sound mechanics while also guiding it to the exact location of the ball at a precise time is a tall order. But by following the simple rules in this chapter, a hitter can achieve success with much more consistency.

The first step in perfecting the swing, though, is analyzing it. Being able to really see each of the swing’s phases is vitally important, obviously, but it’s not easy. We’ll explain why video or still images make a huge difference, the vantage points from which to view the various phases, and the importance of starting at the beginning when correcting flaws. XXQU: Your introduction could be improved if you listed the three main headings of the chapter, Analyzing the swing, Improving Timing, and Adjusting to Pitches rather than just the first. It will allow your readers to know exactly where you are going with your

ideas and it will give them a simplified idea of the main ideas of perfecting the swing QUXX.

<a>Analyzing the Swing<text>Scrutinizing a fast, complex movement that involves the entire body is hard. Noticing small or large flaws and determining where in the motion the breakdown occurred is harder still. Studying the concepts in Chapters 4 and 5, using video or digital technology, tackling the first flaw first, and observing from the proper vantage point all will improve the accuracy of the analysis and the success of the hitter.

<b>Naked Eye vs. Captured Images<text>The two most common ways to analyze a hitter are to watch her with the naked eye and to capture her movements using a video recorder or digital camera. Of the two, capturing images is unquestionably the most beneficial method, and shooting video of a hitter provides much more information than still images.

The biggest problem with analyzing the swing with the naked eye is that it’s virtually impossible to detect the finer points of the second phase—the swing itself—in real time. Seeing the problem may be possible with years of experience, but usually by the time the problem is revealed the cause has long since passed or happened too quickly to notice when it first occurred. The only option without captured images is to form a guess, be it educated or a stab in the dark, at the cause and then prescribe a drill to correct that cause. If the guess is incorrect and the hitter doesn’t improve, they move on to another possible cause and drill combination. With each swing or set of swings, the observer may detect several different problems. The process becomes exponentially inefficient and ineffective, wasting valuable time, confusing the hitter, and not necessarily correcting the problem.

For example, it may be obvious that the hitter rolls her wrists at release or contact instead of waiting until the finish.

Even if a coach can correctly identify the flaw and when it originated without the use of video, the hitter doesn’t have the advantage of seeing what she does correctly and incorrectly. Video and still images use pictures to communicate instead of words, the latter of which are misinterpreted far more often. They also allow the observer and hitter both to see the technique in real time and in slow motion.XXQU: The following two paragraphs are two parts of the three main points under Analyzing the swing. Consider shortening the above section just slightly or organizing it into two paragraphs so it consistently matches the others QUXX.

<b>Focus on the First<text>As with most physical tasks, the effect of an inaccurate movement in the preparatory or execution phase of the swing often manifests in one or more ways throughout the remainder of the swing. Correcting a flaw at rotation that started during the positive move won’t improve a hitter’s technique or success rate. Start with the stride

and look for the first principle that is missing or incorrectly executed. That flaw usually will show up in other parts of the swing.

Similarly, focus on one mistake at a time, starting with the first one. If a player has her weight behind her back knee at negative move, her hands behind her back elbow at positive move, and unequal bend in the knees at toe touch, correct her weight distribution at negative move first. Arriving at positive move in the correct position just might solve her other problems. Even if it doesn’t, she is in the proper position from which to correct the subsequent mistake.

<b>Vantage Points<text>Often, detecting a flaw depends in large part on the position from which the hitter is observed. The four primary positions for watching a hitter are the front view, or the view of the hitter’s chest from directly across the plate; the back view, or the view of the hitter’s back from directly behind her; the target view, or the view of the field from the hitter’s perspective, and the pitcher’s view, or the view of the batter from the circle. PHOTO 6.11-14 are shot from each vantage point.

The greatest number of principles of the swing can be seen from the front view. However, studying certain aspects of a hitter’s technique from the back, target, and pitcher’s view is more helpful. Following are the optimal and secondary positions from which to view the major aspects of each position of the swing. [AUTHORS: Please add to and cross out liberally if necessary, and indicate which is the primary position from which to view each concept.] XXQU: Think about maybe organizing these paragraphs more simply, by just pointing out the secondary and primary positions for each stance rather than listing out the specific things you see from each view. If anything, at least label which view is secondary and primary and exclude the descriptions of the other views. These subheadings for view are very long QUXX.

<c>Stance<text> Front view—balance; feet, knees, and head forming triangle; position in box; hips and shoulders square to the plate Back view—balance; feet, knees, and head triangle; position in box Target view—distance from plate; open/closed/square foot placement Pitcher’s view—distance from plate; open/closed/square foot placement

<c>Negative Move<text> Front view—weight shift and distribution (head between knees not over back knee, weight inside, not outside, back foot); tall back side with shoulder, hip, and foot stacked; forward posture; controlled center of gravity Back view—weight shift and distribution (head between knees not over back knee, weight inside, not outside, back foot); tall back side with shoulder, hip, and foot stacked; forward posture; controlled center of gravity

<c>Positive Move

<text> Front view—stride and weight shift; forward posture; hand position; measuring linear movement; separation beginning Back view—stride and weight shift; separation beginning

<c>Toe Touch and Ready Position<text> Front view—stride foot angle; knee bend; weight distribution, square hips; posture; shoulder slope and angle; hands and bat in strong position; head level and above belly button; separation Back view—stride foot angle; knee bend; weight distribution, square hips; posture; shoulder slope and angle; hands and bat in strong position; head level and above belly button; separation Target view—hands inside back elbow, bend in waist Pitcher’s view—hands inside back elbow, bend in waist

<c>Live and Independent Hands<text> Front view—movement in hands

XXQU: The section in the table of contents, “First Move” is supposed to be here QUXX.<c>Heel Plant<text> Front view—reestablishment of base; firm front side; stopping forward movement; backward posture Back view—reestablishment of base, firm front side, stopping forward movement, backward posture

<c>Rotation<text> Front view—elbow closing the gap; majority of weight on front side; knee pinching in; pivoting on front hip; straightening of front leg Back view—elbow closing the gap; majority of weight on front side; knee pinching in; pivoting on front hip; straightening of front leg Target view—back heel turning up or moving forward

<c>Connection<text> Front view—hands and back elbow lining up with seam of pants

<c>Bat LagXXQU: The text of this section is missing. From what view can we easily see bat lag? QUXX.

<c>Release<text> Front view—shoulder above the lead elbow; lead elbow above the hands and hands above the barrel head of the bat; bat on plane of ball about to cross the plate; hands in palm-up/palm-down position; bat only a few inches from elbow; angle of bat increasing to 90-110° to forearms at release; wrists holding angular forces then simply releasing them; top hand relaxing or letting go; hips rotating rather than moving forward; plane of the bat through the strike zone Pitcher’s view—plane of the bat through the strike zone

<c>Contact<text> Front view—head and eyes focused on ball, shoulders sloped; space between slightly bent elbows; hands in palm-up/palm-down position; knocking knuckles lined up; wrists flat (straight); shoulder above the lead elbow, lead elbow above the hands, and hands above the barrel head of the bat; stacking on back side of shoulder over hip and hip over knee; hips rotating rather than moving forward; contact in front of body; back toes dragging Back view—shoulders sloped Target view—stacking on back side of shoulder over hip and hip over knee; angle of bat increasing as it nears contact Pitcher’s view—head and eyes focused on ball, eyebrows parallel to bat

<c>Extension<text> Front view—arms fully straightened; bat pointed toward field Back view—arms fully straightened; bat pointed toward field Pitcher’s view—bat pointed toward field

<c>Finish<text> Front view—location of finish Back view—location of finish Target view—location of finish

<c>Timing<text> Front view—preparatory phase begins when pitcher begins the backward phase of her arm circle, and then that positive move begins when pitcher’s arm circle starts to come forward

<c>Bat Path<text> Front view—arc of bat path Target view—angles of lines showing bat path are completely reversed Pitcher view—bat path through strike zoneXXQU: This section of subheadings is really long. It really breaks the flow of the rest of the sections under Analyzing the Swing. Perhaps you could reorganize the lists into four main lists following the views (Front, Back, Target, and Pitcher)? From this point you could list the principles of the swing under each section and say whether it is a primary or secondary view or include the descriptions? It would create larger paragraphs that are more uniform and don’t break up the content too much QUXX.

<a>Improving Timing<text>One of the most common hitting questions regards proper timing. Coaches and players alike constantly wonder when to start the swing, and for good reason. Timing plays a huge part in a hitter’s success. If a hitter arrives at the ready position with consistent timing, the only variable she has to compute is the speed of the pitch. If she is inconsistent in her preparation to swing, her mind will have a much harder time calculating the necessary adjustments to hit the pitch at the optimal moment. XXQU:

Maybe list the three main subheadings under this point to ground the reader with the points you are going to make QUXX.

<b>Get in Synch with the Pitcher<text>The concept is simple. When the pitcher’s arm begins its backward circle in the wind-up, the hitter should begin her negative move. When the pitcher’s arm reaches its apex above her head and begins to circle forward, the hitter should begin her positive move. PHOTO 6.1-2 illustrate the moments the negative move and positive move should begin, based on the pitcher’s movements. Although the exact timing of how long each pitcher takes to complete her negative move differs, the cue is consistent and easy to spot.

If the hitter is to key off the pitcher’s movements, then she should become as familiar as possible with those movements so the cue is easily recognizable. Pitchers’ windups are similar to hitters’ preparatory phases in that many of them vary somewhat in look. While pitchers also have important principles to follow, style and personal preference come into play. Watching pitchers warm up before a game and continuing to study their movements during the game enables the hitter to pick up on any extra movement in the wind-up, such as presenting the ball directly behind her before proceeding into her windmill [AUTHORS: Did I understand this possible detail of the wind-up correctly?]XXQU: If you are doubtful about whether this detail is correct it may be beneficial to just exclude it QUXX., or bringing her glove and hand over her head and swinging the arm back before going into her windmill. All of these actions affect the hitter’s timing. Even if the hitter is quick enough to be on time with the fastball, she may not be ready to make contact in front of the ball if she started with the pitcher.

<b>Start Sooner and Slower, Building in Speed<text>In the past, softball coaches have taught their players to remain stationary until the last possible moment and then rush through the preparatory phase of the swing. We now know that approach isn’t as effective as starting sooner—when the pitcher begins her wind-up—and slowly building in speed as the swing progresses. This concept plays a key factor in separating the great hitters from the average hitters.

The linear phase of the swing can be relatively slow. The hitter has to trust that she has plenty of time to get to the ready position, and that by putting her body in motion sooner, it maintains a better sense of its center of gravity and balance. A hitter who waits and waits to being her negative move and then hurries to catch up is especially vulnerable to pitches at the ends of the speed spectrum. She will be late for the fastball, because she simply expect to give the pitcher a head start and then catch up. Conversely, she will be very early for the change-up, because the barrel of her bat will start to fire immediately at heel plant.

Starting early allows the hitter to move through negative move, positive move, and toe touch in a slow, controlled manner. She then can speed up when the barrel of the bat enters the strike zone in the rotational phase of the swing. The slow-to-fast progression gives the hitter the best opportunity to make good decisions and adjust to different speeds and locations of the pitch later in the swing, allows her to buy time before firing her hips

and going into rotation in the event of a change-up, and puts her in the best position for the club head to accelerate through the zone.

Two non-softball analogies help illustrate this principle. The speed of a softball swing should mimic the smooth speed changes of a swing on a swing set. The swing in the park begins its downward journey very slowly, picks up speed until it is moving the quickest at the bottom of its arc, and then slows down again as it ascends. The speed of the softball swing should move in the same pattern: starting slowly, gaining speed through contact, then slowing again during extension and the finish. Similarly, the increase and decrease in speed should be as smooth as that of conscientious driver: slow acceleration from a stop, then more rapid speed gain, then a steady deceleration. The swing should not resemble a hot-rodder’s wheel-squealing, rubber-burning start and stop.

<b>Always Begin the Swing<text>A problem many hitters have in following the previous precept is waiting too long to decide to swing. But the solution is straightforward. A hitter should make the decision before stepping into the batter’s box that she will begin her swing on every pitch. Of course, that doesn’t mean she should actually swing at every pitch, but automatically starting the swing helps the hitter in two ways.

One, the mind responds faster if it has to think about only one option—stopping—than if it has to decide between swinging and not swinging. Phrases like “Make sure it is a strike,” “Only swing if it is a strike,” or “Make it be your pitch,” are poor advice for a hitter, because she’s having to make a conscious decision to swing. If she waits until she knows it’s a good pitch to in her negative move, she will be too late for the fastball. Two, the point at which the hitter must decide to stop the swing comes later in the process than the point at which she must start the swing and still have time to progress from slow, controlled movements to a fast acceleration of the bat through the strike zone.

The average time it takes a hitter to swing the bat—starting slowly and building speed—from stance to contact is 10/60th to 12/60th of a second. It takes about 3/60th to 4/60th of a second for the hitter to have enough information to develop an informed opinion on whether it is prudent to swing at the pitch, and about 4/60th to 5/60th of a second to complete the positive move. If the hitter waits until she believes the pitch will be a strike, she has lost about a third of the original time available to her and will have to rush to get the bat in the zone before the ball leaves the zone. But if she begins to swing when the pitcher begins her windup, she’s in proper position to hit the ball if it’s a strike and has time to stop, or check, her swing before releasing the angle of the bat if it’s a ball. The decision to stop may come after rotation, but the back elbow is key. The back elbow will be the first thing that stops when the batter holds up her swing.

Rules may vary slightly at different levels of play, but in general the following visual signs indicate to an umpire that the batter successfully checked her swing: Her wrists have not rolled, she drew the bat back before the pitch arrived, she kept the bat behind her center of gravity, and she did not attempt to hit, bunt, or slap the pitch. Each of these signs are illustrated in PHOTO 6.3.

The point of no return will be slightly different for all hitters. How late a hitter can stop her swing will depend on how quickly she begins her swing, when the acceleration of the bat takes place, and her physical strength. There comes a point at which the forces have built up beyond the hitter’s strength to stop them, but slowly increasing the speed of the swing enables the hitter to stop the swing much later in the motion because momentum hasn’t fully built up.

Abiding by all three of these principles gives a hitter the best opportunity for success at the plate. But it doesn’t happen naturally. Improved timing takes constant practice, and timing suffers more than mechanics following a layoff. The more real pitches a hitter sees and the more she understands the elements that go into good timing, the more refined her computer becomes at calculating when the ball will arrive at the optimal place to hit it.

<se>Drill Finder: Pitcher Warm-Up, Throw Wiffle Balls XXQU: Is this a special element? Can it be expanded in the next draft. Having a special element in the chapter is very important for consistency QUXX.

<a>Adjusting to Pitches<text>We’ve learned that a hitter’s influence over the bat head’s direction after releasing the forces stored in the angle of the bat and wrists is minimal at best because of the combination of the speed at which the bat is traveling, the weight of the bat, and the strength in a hitter’s wrists. Overcoming that physiological fact to have successful at-bats puts a premium on two concepts.

We’ve covered one of them already: getting the bat on the plane of pitch early and keeping it there as long as possible, which is hitting in a large zone. The second is making good adjustments to each pitch. The movement of the ball, like the physical space of the strike zone, is three-dimensional. Its path can change on a horizontal plane, meaning to the inside and outside; it can change on a vertical plane, meaning up and down; and its speed can change. Because the location and speed of the pitch takes some time to determine, and because at least one of the dimensions often changes from the point a hitter decides to swing and the point of contact, being able to make tiny adjustments is critical to having success at the plate.

With so many variables of what the ball can do, the mind can become overwhelmed about when and where to release the angle of the bat. The three keys XXQU: listing these keys here would help the reader to start thinking about the points before you get to them QUXX. to making good adjustments help both physiologically and mentally. These concepts put the hitter in the best physical position to adjust to any pitch. But just like stepping to the plate with the intention of swinging on every pitch whittles down the mind’s options to one, these principles simplify the mind’s task for the same reason. Its calculations begin from a known, consistent position.

<b>Movement along the Horizontal Plane

<text>The first key is to look for the inside pitch and adjust out if necessary. This is consistent with the concept of staying inside the pitch discussed at first move. If the hitter’s hands stay even with or inside her front elbow in those first few inches, she’s able to hang on to the angle of the bat and stay inside the line of the pitch. If the ball is toward the outside part of the plate, she can release the bend of her front elbow and then release the angle of the bat with her wrists to get to the ball while still swinging in a large zone. But if her hands cast out during the first move, there is no good way to adjust to an inside pitch and still swing in a big zone. She will be trying to catch up with the pitch and pulling the arms back in, swinging around the zone. It’s similar to getting a hair cut. Stylists who cut a little off each time can adjust and cut more off, but they can’t adjust and add more on.

Accomplished hitters have the easiest time adjusting inside and outside pitches. However, for younger hitters it can be very difficult for three reasons. Their shorter arms and bats make it hard to cover all 17 inches of the plate, no matter how well they release those angles; pitchers at that level often throw pitches of similar speeds; and the height of the pitches at that level changes less than their horizontal location. [AUTHORS: I’m hypothesizing in the second clause of the previous sentence. Make sure this is correct.] XXQU: Try not to guess within the text without researching. Either check if this is correct or exclude it to be safe QUXX.

<se>Drill Finder: hammer to bat XXQU: Again, try to include this element, especially if it goes along with the other Drill Finder above. QUXX.

<b>Movement along the Vertical Plane<text>The second key is to prepare for a high pitch and adjust down if it is lower. That way the hitter is not fighting gravity; it’s easier to drop the hands than raise them. The adjustment is made possible by keeping the elbow and hands above the ball on every swing, which allows the hitter to release the bat below the hands and hit in a big zone. The line formed by the arms and bat will be flatter on a high pitch—with the elbows just lower than the shoulders, the hands just lower than the elbows, and the bat head just lower than the hands—and it will retain some of its steepness on a low pitch as shown in PHOTO 6.4-5. The hitter’s swing will then finish lower on the high pitch and higher on the low pitch.

This key proves wrong the traditional school of thought that a hitter must swing down on a high pitch and up on a low pitch. The swing paths are very similar, as illustrated by the dots outlining the bat path in PHOTO 6.6-7. The relationship between the shoulders, elbow, wrists, and bat is the same. Only the degree of the angle differs.

It’s even possible to keep the elbows above the hands and the hands above the bat on a rise ball. If the pitcher has a dominant rise ball that she throws often, begin in stance with the hands a little higher. The front elbow moves forward and the hands follow, just like any pitch. Once the hitter recognizes the rise ball, concentrate on moving both the hands and elbow up, not just the hands.

--Talking about zone weaknesses and pitch weaknesses, where the hands are is a factor. Some players hold their hands a little higher because of the rise ball. One of our adjustments when facing a rise ball pitcher if we feel we have to get on top of that pitch to be able to stay through it, is take hands up a little more (in the stance and prep phase). Kids who have a flatter bat tend to hit the high pitch better than the low pitch; more upright bat as they get to toe touch more apt to being a low ball hitter. The more movement and anxious the hitter is, the more vulnerable to change of speeds. XXQU: Maybe add an annotation like “note” that makes it clear that this section is an aside QUXX.

<b>Changes in Speed<text>The third key in making good adjustments to the pitch is to prepare for the fastest speed the pitcher can throw and adjust to slower pitches. Remember, the preparatory phase of the swing should be exactly the same for every pitch, arriving at toe touch and ready position in the same amount of time with the same movements.

If a hitter with an efficiently swing does not begin her swing on time for the fastball, there is no effective way to catch up. It would require extraordinary speed that, even if fast enough, usually results in mechanical breakdowns. The better approach is being ready for the fastball and adjusting to the change-up. The concept is perhaps most apparent when applied to playing catch. Would you rather be ready for a ball that comes at you quickly and then wait for the slower ball, or prepare for the slower ball and be knocked over by the faster ball?

Adjusting to an off-speed pitch from a fastball can be done in three ways, but only one allows the batter to hit the ball with the full force she has generated in the positive move. Slowing down the swing to make contact or waiting longer to move the elbows and hands back to the ball subtract power by reducing speed in the first case and impairing balance in the second. PHOTO 6.8-10 illustrate the positions in which a hitter could contact the ball early, on time, and late.

But simply swinging in a big zone isn’t enough to hit good change-ups. Swinging in a big zone keeps the bat in the zone about 2/60th of a second, but the difference in a fast ball and change-up arriving at the optimal contact point can be as much as 6/60th to 8/60th of a second. Being in position to connect with both the fast and off-speed pitches is accomplished by making adjustments at heel plant. On the fast ball, once the linear portion of the swing is completed and the hitter gets to heel plant, she immediately moves into rotation and the elbow drops down very quickly to be ready for release. On the off-speed pitch, though, she continues to move linearly a little longer, extending the heel plant phase slightly by riding her weight as described at toe touch, until the off-speed pitch gets into her zone. Once she recognizes it’s close enough, the elbow drops down, initiating hip rotation and accelerating through the swing. She makes contact out in front, and the club head slows down on the follow through.

The ability to hit pitches of varying speeds is one of the biggest differences between a youth softball player and an experienced collegiate or international player. At the higher

levels, the battle between pitches and hitters is more about timing than pitches that move around the vertical and horizontal planes. The best hitters are the ones who can cover a pitcher’s fastest and slowest pitch with the same swing by hitting in a big zone. For instance, Lisa Fernandez, the three-time Olympic gold medal winner, can cover pitches that vary in speed by 6/60ths of a second. That’s almost a quarter of the time it takes from the ball released to contact.

In summary, if the hitter prepares for the up and in fastball, all other adjustments are easy.XXQU: This final section is much longer than the previous two. As the come in a set, try to condense this one a bit for consistency or expand the others a bit.

Comments: The details in this chapter are very comprehensive which is good. The reader can easily visualize what they are trying to do because the descriptions are quite detailed. An example would be your important factors in each principle of swing. Each part of the body and position can be easily visualized. I would work the most on the consistency throughout the chapter. The second and third main sections are well organized, with similar sized sections and three subheadings beneath each heading. The first section is very jarring in comparison as there are closer to 20 subheadings. I suggested that you reorganize the final of the three subheadings, Vantage Points. I think that it can be organized into more broad categories to avoid the use of so many under headings. Perhaps these headings could be combined or rethought. It might also look a bit strange to have subheadings under Vantage Points but not under Naked Eye vs. Capture Images and Focus on the First. Think about dividing or expanding the material in order to make the overall first section more consistent and easy for the reader to connect to the following sections. Also make sure to add the things that are missing, such as the special elements. These sort of sections make the chapter and cannot be excluded.

Photo Shoot Outline:

Chapter 6: Fine-Tuning the SwingPhoto 6.11-14: Four photos showing the different vantage points, one showing the player from the front across the plate, one from behind, one looking out at the field from their perspective, and one from the pitcher’s view at the circle.Photo 6.1-6.2: In the first photo the pitcher is shown with her arm circling back and it is indicated that the hitter should start her positive stance. In the second the pitchers arm is coming down from above her head and the hitter is told to do her negative stance.Photo 6.3: Show the signs that the hitter is correct in swing, her wrists in proper position, the bat not forward and no premature hits.Photo 6.4-5: The first shows the bat and arm position for a higher pitch and the second shows that the arms are higher and the bat position for a lower pitch.Photo 6.6-7: Show the hitter hitting both a low pitch and high pitch. Note with shading the difference in the angles between the two positions.

Photo 6.8-10: Show the a batter’s contact positions when swing is early, on time, and late.

Fiction piece

Around and Around

She was taking the corners fast now. “Oh come on,” my brother pleaded from the back seat.

“Can’t we just go home?”

But she ignored him and continued speeding down Marine Street, before making a hard

left turn at the corner, then into the alleyway, and driving on.

“You just think I’m drunk,” she yelled. She took another hard left, and still another, and

put us back on Marine Street once again, where she sped right past our apartment building.

“You two are always on my case,” she said. “I don’t know why I put up with it. I should

get my own place and leave you with your crazy dad.” XXQU: How does the narrator feel about

this? How does she feel about the whole situation? QUXX.

Again, she made a left at the corner and went as far as Ozone Park XXQU: Consider

relating this distance to something the reader will know. We don’t know where Ozone Park is

QUXX. before making another sharp left, revving her engine as she took the turn.

“I’m not drunk!” she yelled.

“I didn’t say you were,” my brother said. “I just want to go home. Can’t you understand

that? We just want to go home.”

I was scared. XXQU: Show the reader that the narrator is scared. She doesn’t need to say

it. This is pretty scary situation. What is she doing that indicates her fear. Is it a special kind of

fear? Has this kind of thing happened before? Is she prepared? QUXX. I could tell mother wasn’t

totally shitfaced, but she was definitely tipsy. Tipsy and pissed off. She seemed perfectly fine on

the freeway coming back from Hollywood. She got off at the right exit and made the turn onto

Lincoln, heading towards Venice. But after we passed the military supply shop, I sensed her

mood begin to shift, XXQU: How did the narrator “sense” this? Where there indicators of the

mood change? Could they be described rather than just saying that she sensed it? QUXX. and by

the time we turned right at the Kentucky Fried chicken, her horns were out.

XXQU: The above section has a lot of description of places. The reader has no way of

knowing this area or associating the distances between each of the places. A description of

distance rather than businesses might be beneficial to get the point across of how slowly (or

quickly) the mother became angry QUXX.

“There’s a parking spot right over there,” my brother said, pointing to an open space in

front of our apartment building. But she acted like she didn’t hear him and kept driving. That’s

when she started yelling, “I’m not drunk!” XXQU: Is there a way to clarify why the mother

would be set off by the brother’s comment? It is obviously powerful enough to trigger a reaction

like this in her QUXX. Finally, after ten minutes of driving in circles, she pulled over and parked.

My brother and I got out of the car and walked XXQU: How did they walk? Would they just be

normally walking inside? QUXX. towards our front gate in silence. When we got inside, we

immediately went to bed, and never mentioned the incident again. Ever.

I really like the pacing and plot in this story. It seems like the exact right length. There is tension and the tension comes to climax before the falling action. The text doesn’t feel like it should be any longer because it does everything it needs to within about a page. The only problem with the plot is the lack of character development and exposition. The story is short, but the addition of just a few words in the first paragraph could give us valuable information about the people in the car. Where were they driving from? What time is it? The reader has little to ground them in the very beginning of the story. Character development would be especially important for the main character. Why should we care that this is happening? The majority of the narrative focuses on the feelings and emotions of those around her, but a few descriptions of her behavior in this situation could point out a lot of her character traits. Why, for example, did she not talk at all during the situation while her brother begged for their mother to pull over? The dialogue could also use exclamation points in certain points when the mother and brother are talking to indicate the urgency of the situation. The narrative description was well integrated, especially with the sharp turns. I could imagine them easily. The only point I would make is to possibly relate distance to something that the audience can imagine rather than fictional businesses in a town they don’t know . It will give them perspective on the gravity of the situation to know how far the car is traveling.