PracticalandEffectiveToolstoConquerAnxiety

RETRAINYOUR

ANXIOUSBRAIN

JOHNTSILIMPARIS,

MFTWITHDAYLLE

DEANNA

SCHWARTZ

CONTENTS

Introduction

Chapter1: UnderstandingAnxiety

Chapter2: Identifying YourPersonal Belief System

Chapter3: Challenging the

Notion of “ConsensusReality”

Chapter4: Balancing theDualistic Mind

Chapter5: Rising Above theIllusion of Control

Chapter6: The AccountableSelf: Taking Responsibilityfor You

Chapter7: Creating YourOwn Reality: Practicing the

Inner Management ofYourself

Chapter8: Solidifying YourSense of Self to Build aHealthy Self-Esteem

Chapter9: ExtremeAcceptance: The X Gamesfor the Mind

Chapter10: ReducingAnxiety in IntimateRelationships

Chapter11: Anxiety-Reduction Maintenance:How to Keep It Going

Chapter12: Making Peacewith Your Anxiety:Surrendering the Fight, Notthe Cause

Bibliography

Acknowledgments

INTRODUCTION

Everyone experiencessymptoms of anxietythroughout their lives atdifferenttimesandinvaryingdegrees. Some people shrugoffordismisseverydaystress

and anxiety as part of life’sunavoidable ups and downsand don’t think much of itbeyond that. But for others,ongoing stress leads todeveloping symptoms ofchronic anxiety that cansignificantly impair people’sdailyfunctioningandcauseamajor disruption in their

lives.Anxietyoftensneaksupon people and feelsunavoidable. Fortunately,anxietycanbetreated,buttheconsequences for allowing itto go unchecked can havenegativeresults.It’s estimated that about 40

million adults in the UnitedStatessufferfromsomeform

of anxiety. Yet despite howprevalent it is, a largepercentage of anxietysufferers don’t seek helpbecause they feel toouncomfortable orembarrassed to talk about it,or they’re scared thatadmitting to having it willstigmatize them. To many

people, especially those whohaven’texperienced it over along period of time, anxietyseems like a self-inflictedailment that people need togetover.Becauseithasoftenbeen negatively viewed as asign of weakness, havinganxiety also causes manyindividuals a great deal of

personal shame, which canlead them to isolatethemselves and suffer alone.It can be a painful way tolive. I know, because ithappenedtome.

MYEXPERIENCEWITH ANXIETY

Ididn’twritethisbookabouthandlinganxietyjustfromthepoint of view of a therapistwho learned about it inschool, although I am one.This ismy story, too. Iknowabout anxiety on a personallevel because I have a longhistorywith itdatingback tochildhood. I wrote this book

because after many years ofsuffering, I learned practical,effective ways to handle myanxiety that allowed me tofinally enjoy my life, and Iwant topass themon tohelpyoulearnhowtoretrainyouranxious mind. I write fromboth the perspective of atherapistandassomeonewho

lived through many years ofdebilitating anxiety, and itwasbyusingthetoolsinthisbookthatIwasfinallyabletomanageit.I know what it’s like to

wonder ifyou’regoingcrazybecause of the anxiousfeelings that come over youfornodiscernible reasonand

thatnooneunderstands.Icanrelatetothepowerlessfeelingyoucanhavewhenyoucan’tcontrol your escalating panicand don’t know how to findrelief. But I also know therelief of finally learning howtohelpmyself.Youcandoit,too!I’llhelpyou,justasIdidwhen I treated people with

anxiety on the TV show,Obsessed. I heard frompeoplearoundtheworldwhosawmeontheshow,askingifI could share more of mytechniques. They alsosuffered from anxiety andwere desperate for help tocontrol it. I relate to theirpain, and if what I share

makes a positive differenceforyou,itmatterstome.My anxiety began when I

wasyoung.BythetimeIwaseight years old, I was awarethat Iwasadifferentkindofchild. I just wanted to fit inlikeeveryoneelse,butIknewthat I didn’t. Nomatter howhardItried,Ifeltalienatedby

mypuzzlingconditionthatnoone could understand, noteven me. I reacted tosituations in ways thatseemed wrong orunacceptableanddidn’tknowwhy. I was criticized orignored when I reached outfor support. For years Iwondered what would

become of me and how I’deverbeable tosurvivein theworld with such anincapacitating handicap. Theuncertainty carved deepgrooves of permanentinsecurity. The future lookedgrimandscary.Itallstartedonenightwhen

I suffered my first anxiety

attack after my parents putmetobed.Outofnowhere,aterrifying current of fearsurged throughmybody likea demonic possession. Myheartbeganbeatingrapidly, Igasped forairand Ibegan tosweat. My mind raceduncontrollably,and I thoughtIwasgoing todie. I ran into

myparents’ bedroom and, inafrantic state, Iwokeupmymother, not knowing whatwas happening to me. Shelifted her head from thepillow and in a drowsy tonewhispered very softly that Ishouldbecarefulnottowakeupmyfather.Itwasn’tuntilIwasinmymid-twentiesthatI

realized how significant herwordswouldbecome.Shemurmured,“Gobackto

bed.You have nothing to beafraidof.”Iwentbacktomybed as she instructed andhoped she was right. For amoment I believed herwithout question, but thepanic continued. As I lay

awake for the rest of thenight, trembling, I wonderedif I was going to see thedaylight again. I felt aloneand terrified, knowing I hadnooneto turnto.Asachild,it’s especially hard tounderstand what’s going onwhen anxiety hits, whichmakes you feel powerless. I

wasn’tincontrolofmyself—the anxiety was. It was thefirstofmanydarkandlonelynightstocome.For thenext fouryears, the

panic attacks and generalanxiety that developed fromthem occurred intermittentlyand without warning. Igradually understood that

something was amiss—because if there was nothingtobeafraidof,asmymotherdeclared,yetIwasstillafraid,thentheonlyanswercouldbethat something was trulywrong with me. I alsoremember thinking that Imust be stupid andweak if Iwas scaredof nothing.There

was no identifiable source ofstressthatIcouldverbalizetomy mother—no monstersunder the bed or aboogeyman in the closet.There was simply no reasonto feel so frightened. I hadneverevenheardofthewordanxiety. No one ever spokeabout it to me. I don’t think

anyone in my family eventhoughtaboutit.Myproblemwas just shrugged off, and Iwaslefttodealwithitonmyown.By the age of twelve, my

panic attacks mysteriouslywent dormant, and for thenext nine years, they stayedhiddeninthedeeprecessesof

my mind. But when Ireturned home to New YorkCityaftercollege,theanxietyreturned with great intensity.By then I was an adult andhad amoremature ability tounderstandthatIneededhelp.I also seriously recognizedmyneed toseekhelp insteadof letting my problem be

minimized or ignored bymyparents. Desperation finallyconvincedme to give in andgo to a psychotherapist. Atfirstmyparents triedtodeterme fromseekinganykindofpsychiatric care. Theybelieved that therapy wasonly intended for crazypeople and shamelessly

admitted they were worriedthat the therapist wouldsomehow brainwash me andturnmeagainstthem.Usually, their opinions—

especiallymy father’s—wereextremely influential anddifficult to ignore withoutfear of reprisal. Luckily, Ididn’tlistentothemthistime

and moved forward withtreatment despite theirobjections. I was desperateand knew I needed someoneelse to guide me out of myconfusion. It was one of themost crucial decisions I evermadeinmylife.Many people who suffer

from anxiety are often

discouragedfromgettinghelpby well-meaning butuninformed people. Thebelief that anxiety can becontrolled if you simply tryhard enough often preventspeople from taking youseriously and can make youfeel low about your inabilityto “get over it.” It also can

deter you from takingtherapeutic steps to actuallygetthekindofhelpyouneed.After two years of on-and-

off treatment sessions with avery bright andcompassionate therapist, Ilearned to use solid copingtools to help manage myanxiety better. However, I

also realized that despite thetherapy I still felt verydifferent fromotherpeople. Inoticed I was still morereactive to potentiallystressful situations andworriedalotaboutthingsthatmostpeopleeasilyaccepted.Ibegantounderstandthatit

was critical to develop

ongoing maintenance of mysymptoms in order forme tofunction normally since theykeptcomingback.Unliketheaverage person, life’sordinary twists and turnswere sometimes hard for meto navigate because of mysusceptibility to stress. Thegood news was that every

time the symptoms returned,they were markedly lessintensethanbeforeandlastedfor a shorter duration. Thepanic attacks occurred lessfrequently, and the lingeringanxiety was manageable. Ihappily recognized that myprogresswasastounding.Thefuture didn’t look so grim

anymore.A big part of an anxiety

sufferer’sangstcanbea lackof understanding. Have youever been asked, “Why areyou driving yourself crazy?”when someone observes youin an anxious state andassumes you’re to blame?That can make you feel like

you’re going crazy, becausepeople don’t take seriouslythe scary things you’reexperiencing and you don’tknow where to turn to getanswers. When you have noideaaboutwhat’sgoingoninyour head, it creates ahelpless feeling. That’s whyafter therapy I felt such a

relief to have something tocall it—anxiety—a diagnosisI could reckonwith thatwastreatable.I finally began to accept

anxiety as part of my life.Ultimately,Iletgooffeelingstigmatized for having thiscondition and stopped seeingmyself as a weak person;

instead I began referring tomyself as someone whosuffered from an anxietydisorder. It was veryliberating. But the mostpivotal thing I learned aboutmy anxiety was how mythoughtsseverelyskewedmyperception of situations andalteredthewayIwasfeeling.

Irealizedthatformostofmylife I magnified things thatdidn’t go well to acatastrophic degree andthought in all-or-nothingterms. I discovered I was aperfectionist about anythingrelatedtoperformance,imageandhowIpresentedmyselftoothers. This kind of insight

began to change my life inimmeasurableways.I also recognized that

growing up with a verycriticalfathermademeafraidto disappoint people and Iwanted everyone to like me.And most important, I oftenfellvictimtotheillusorytrapof thinking I could control

everything important to me.So when I did try to controlthingsandmyeffortsfailed—whichwasmostofthetime—itmademe feelworse, like Iwas trying to catch the windwith a butterfly net.Furthermore, I finallyunderstood that telling aperson who suffered from

chronicanxiety that theyhad“nothing to be afraid of” theway my mother did yearsearlier was like telling aseverealcoholic to “just stopdrinking.” It was not thatsimple. Butmymother, whowas actually a very lovingwoman, was incapable offully comprehending the

depthofmycondition.Over time, I learned to

listenonlytotheintentinherwords and not to the detailsof them. She tried to help inthe best way she knew how,and knowing that furtherhelped me gain a healthierperspective aboutmy earliestyears suffering with anxiety.

Throughout my late twentiesand thirties I worked on mycoping skills very diligentlyand managed to keep mysymptomsatbayforthemostpart. Every now and then, alife stressor spiked myanxiety for a brief spell, buttherewerenomajorincidentslike in the past. Then, after

my divorce in 2000 and thedeaths of bothmy parents in2004, I was challenged byextremeboutsofanxietyonceagain. But I recoveredquickly thanks to theeffective skills I hadmastered.

TAKING

ANXIETYSERIOUSLYThe shame I once felt aboutmy anxious responses to lifeandmy ignoranceaboutwhytheywerehappeninghadkeptme from getting help formany years. This has been aconsistent problem for many

people who suffer fromanxiety. Fortunately,anxiety’s negative reputationis changing. Many morepeople are seeking help andcoming to treatment foranxiety than ever before,likely due to the fact that,today, mental health issuesare slightly less stigmatized

than in thepastand there’sabetter neurobiologicalunderstanding of how ourbrains work when we areaffectedbyanxiety.But make no mistake—for

many, anxiety as well asother mental health–relatedissues are still not respectedby mainstream society as

legitimate conditions to bereckoned with. Anxiety inparticular is still consideredby many to be the result ofhuman weakness.Furthermore, as we progressdeeper into the newmillennium with persistentstress triggers likeunemployment, stock market

crashes, the threat ofterrorism, natural disasters,and a host of other real andforeseeable fears, thenumberof people suffering fromanxiety will riseexponentially. You can’tlistentothosepeoplewhotellyou to stop driving yourselfcrazy and to start coping

better.Anxiety is a real clinical

disorder,whether the generalpublic accepts it or not.Andthere are effective ways youcan control it that I’ll sharewith you. When youacknowledge thatyouhaveaproblem with anxiety, youcanusethetoolsinthisbook

to help you learn how tomakepeacewithitandadopta different way of handlingthe triggers that bring it on.Whileyoumayalwayshaveatendency to be anxious, youcan develop copingmechanismsthatcankeepthesevere reactions at bay like Ifinallydid.

RetrainYourAnxiousBrainiswritten as a survivalguidefor anyone who currentlysuffers from anxiety—fromthemild,everydayanxiety tothe severe and debilitatingtype. This book is notmeanttobeacureforanxiety,norisit meant to be a quick-fixantidote to life’s problems.

Instead, it’s a design ofbalanced thinking thatfocuses on improving theinner management ofyourself. The book offers“sustainable” forms ofanxiety reduction skillsbecause once you learn thetechniques prescribed, youcan replenish themwhenever

you need to. In a sense, youcan be your own naturalresource. Most books onanxietyhavetoolstohelpyoucope onlywith the effects ofthe disorder. I provide avariety of ways to identifyandshort circuitwhatcausesitsoyoucancurborlessenitfrom the get-go and have

fewernegativeeffects.The theory behind my

approach to treating anxietyis that you can change yourinternal responses to thethingsthatmakeyouanxiousand scared. By doing so,you’ll start to feel better asyournewwaysofreactingtosituations that trigger anxiety

become more comfortableand automatic. This can bemuch more effective thantryingtochangewhat’sgoingon in the world itself andstayinganxious.I’llshowyoulife-adaptabilitytoolsthatcanhelp you adjust and regulateyourself when the difficultand unavoidable aspects of

being human occur. Forexample, if spending a daywith your family triggersstress about not havingaccomplished as much asyour siblings and you feelinadequate, you’ll learn howto handle those feelings inways that don’t escalateanxiety.

This design works byrejecting the belief that youneed to focus on and changethe external circumstances ofyour life in order to reduceanxiety, especially since somuch of what you encounteris beyond your control.Instead, I encourage aninternal focus that holds you

accountable for makingchanges. This methodpromotes a major inner shiftin how you react andsubsequently respond toanxiety-provoking situations.Thebookwillteachyouhowto adapt to any aspect of lifethat involves a stressfulchange—such as

experiencingaloss,illnessoroccupational stress—bysimply reevaluating andeventually altering the fixedthoughtsthatyouhaveinsideyou that you’ve previouslyusedtodealwithanxiety.I’llshow you how to effectivelycreateandestablishyourownpersonal reality of life that

allows you to feel more incontrolofyouranxiety.RetrainYourAnxiousBrain

isn’t for people who arelooking for swift results orsolutions to problems. Themaingoalistohelpyoulearnhow to streamline yourthinking about the problemsyou encounter. I will guide

you in finding ways toreevaluate who you are inrelation to the world, howyou relate to other people,and how you deal, or don’tdeal, with the difficult timesinyour life. Ifyoushiftyourperspectiveand interpretationabouthowthethingsthatgiveyou anxiety are outside of

yourcontrol,you’llgraduallybe able to change yourresponsetothem.Since I’m no stranger to

suffering from anxiety, theviewpoint of anxietymanagement that I presentincludes some of what Ilearnedfromgettingmyowntreatment, studying what

worksfortreatinganxietyandworking with many patients.The techniques I share haveproven to be very effective.They’re partly ingrained inexisting theories such ascognitive behavioral therapy(CBT), rational emotivetherapy(RET)andexistentialtherapy.

CBT and RET are skills-based therapeutic styles thatare instructive in nature butalso highly user-friendlybecause they center on theanxiety sufferers’ negativethinking patterns instead oftheir character. They alsofocus on helping to identifyand change distorted thought

patterns.TheultimategoalofCBT and RET is to helprestructure your thinking soyoucanlearnhowtoseparaterealistic thoughts fromunrealistic ones, likeworrying that because yourboss looked upset when youarrived towork thismorningmeans he’s unhappy with

your job performance andyou may be fired. Thesetherapies will also help youunderstand that your feelingsare based on your ownpersonal beliefs andinterpretations, which maynotbethetruerealityofwhatyou experience. Both CBTandRET posit that thoughts,

feelings and actions have areciprocal relationship withoneanother.Therefore,ifyourestructure your innerthoughtsandtrainyourselftoidentify negative ones thatwill trigger anxiety, it willinevitably lead to a positivechangeinyourbehavior.As per the existential

theory, you are the architectofyourlife,andwhoyouareandwhatyouhavebecomeisaproductofyourchoicesandactions. You alone have theresponsibility of your life,and you’re not alwayscontrolled or determined byexternal forces. Yourexistence is never fixed, and

you’re forever recreatingyourself by living in aconstant state of transition—an ever-shifting attitude ofquestioning, learning andevolving. This is whyexistentialists also believethat you alone make yourown subjective meaning ofthe world. My coping

techniques will allow you tohave more control over howyourespondtoyourlife’supsanddowns.Throughout thebookyou’ll

havetheopportunitytocreatea personalized plan forhandling your anxiety byrecognizing the triggers thatmake you anxious. I’ll give

you easy and practicalexercises todoandquestionsto ask yourself thatwill helpyou begin the process ofretraining your anxiousmindand positively reflecting onyour life, using my anxiety-reduction model. The toolsand exercises will give youthe kind of insight that will

allow you to recognize yourtriggers and facilitate yourmindsothatyoucanbegintoshift into alternative ways ofthinking about what’shappening around you. Thenyoucan begin to create yourown reality—a chiefnecessity for calming ananxiousmind.

MOVINGFORWARDToday, as a psychotherapistspecializing in anxietydisorders, I consider myselffortunate to have used myown personal history withanxiety as inspiration to helpothers in need. If anyone

wouldhavetoldmeyearsagothat one day I’d be helpingpeople with the sameconditionIstruggledwith,I’dhave laughed in their faces. Inever considered thepossibility that I could turnmyanxiety into apositive. Itseemed inconceivable. But,ironically, my suffering

became my teacher and myhealing became my mission.It all worked out as mymisery was validated andturned into a blueprint forothers to create their ownplan to retrain their anxiousminds.This book is a kind of

reflection of the very same

process of healing Iexperienced over my lastthirty years of being both apatient and a mental healthprofessional.Itpresentsmanyof the coping skills andanxiety-reduction techniquesI used that were helpful formy own recovery, includingthe many psychological

insights that changedmy lifeforever.The distinctive therapeutic

conceptsoffered in thisbookwere envisioned and lateradapted and implementedsuccessfullyovermanyyearsof treating patients with alltypes of anxiety, and forhundreds of people, both

personalpatientsandpeopleItreatedforanxietyduringmyappearances on Obsessed.While theyare simple,basic,common sense insights, theyalso have the power to alteryour life by offering a newway of thinking and relatingto the world, and these toolsare available to anyone who

iswillingtotrythem.I hope that after you read

this book you won’t feelalonebecauseofyouranxietyor that you’re different frommost people, as I didwhen IfirstrealizedIhadaproblem.Thetruthis,you’renotalone.And although you may bedifferent in many positive

ways, you’re not differentbecause you suffer fromanxiety—at least notanymore.Thereis indeedlifeduring and beyond anxiety. Iam living proof. You canretrain your anxiousmind. IfIcandoit,youcan,too!

Chapter 1

UNDERSTANDING

ANXIETY

“Anxietyisthehandmaidenofcreativity.”

—T.S.Eliot

Anxiety is one of themost misunderstoodconditions of thehuman mind. Yetanxiety disorders arethe most common ofmental illnesses in the

United States. It’sestimated that about18%of the populationsuffers from someform of anxiety.Anxiety disorders arereal, not somethingthat fragile people

bring on themselves.In this Iwill help youto understand themythsandtruthsaboutanxietysothatyoucandomoretotakechargeofyours,orsoyoucanhelpsomeoneyoucare

about who suffersfromit.

WHY ANXIETYIS OFTENKEPT QUIETEven though anxiety is soprevalent, studies show that

manypeoplewhosufferfromitoftenremaininwhatIreferto as the “angst” closet foryears before reaching out forprofessional help. Manyanxiety sufferers feeldifferent levels of shame orthey are scared people willridiculethemiftheirsecretisdiscovered.Iusedtofeelthat

waywhenmymotherrefusedto acknowledge my problemasreal.Afterall,howcouldIshareitwithothersifmyownmother acted like I had noproblemand itwasall inmyhead? It’s a commonresponse from people whodon’t understand anxiety.We’ve come a long way in

terms of lowering the stigmaof having anxiety and othermentalhealth conditionsas awhole in more recent years,butalotofworkstillneedstobedone.It’s still painfully apparent,

andattimesshocking,thatinthis day and age, anxiety,which is often an unbearable

conditioninvolvingthemind,continues to be viewed bymany as an affliction thatonly affects inferior people.Perhaps there is sanity innumbers. For example,whenwas the last time you heardsomeone being judged orridiculed for having somekind of physiological

condition? Apparently, overtime, there is a rational andcollective acceptance aboutanyhumanconditionthathasevidence showing thatmultitudesofordinarypeopleare stricken with it everyyear. But it’s very differentfor illnesses of the mind,includinganxiety.

How can this be changed?Themoreanxietyisdiscussedas a legitimate condition thatpeople don’t bring onthemselves, the more peoplewill have empathy, notnegative reactions, tosomeonestrugglingwithit.Ifpeople from allwalks of life—from college students to

seasoned professionals, fromblue-collarworkers towhite-collar executives—admit tosuffering from anxiety andgetting help for it, the morethe average person willaccept it like they do otherconditions.Myhopeisthatthisandthe

entire book itself will help

shedamorepositive lightonanxiety and help to validatethe seriousness of thiscondition. If having anxietybecomes accepted like otherconditions are, futuregenerations will finallyreceive the long-awaitedrecognition that anxietyaffects many average people

and that it’smerelyageneticand environmentallyinfluenced variant of beinghuman. And, there’s helpavailable to allow you tomanageit.

THE BENEFITSOF ANXIETY

To understand the manyaspects of anxiety, you mustfirst recognize some of itsbenefits. Anxiety is anadaptive function of thehuman body that exists forthe purpose of protecting usfromharm.Anxiety is part of an

evolutionary response

mechanismdeveloped slowlyover many millennia. Ifprimitive humans had nointernal alarm system whenthe dangers of ferociousanimals lurked outside theircave looking for their nextmeal, they wouldn’t havesurvived. Their life-preserving arousal

mechanism, better known asthe fight-or-flight responsesystem (also called the fight-or-flight-or-freeze responsesystem), is a biochemicalreaction that was developedto help the body sense andrespond quickly to danger.We could have becomeextinct had this system not

beenpartofourmakeup.Butthanks to our hairy, cave-dwelling ancestors,generations have inheritedthisfundamentalimpulse.It’snot needed today the way itusedtobe,butit’swiredintous. Some people’s systemsaremore sensitive than thoseofothers.

In essence, anxiety is aresponse or a reaction tosomething that the brainperceives as dangerous orthreatening.Without anxiety,you might walk through lifeand go about your businessnaively, in a blissful state,and be oblivious to simpledangers.Acarmaystrikeyou

because you’re not payingattention while crossing thestreet.Oryoumaybecomeanegligent parent by notsafeguarding your homeproperly if you have youngchildren. Or you mayunderperform at workbecause you are not worriedabout losing your job. A

tendency to feel anxious inspecific situations does helpkeepyouonyourtoeswhenitcomes to protecting yourselfandyourlovedones.Many artistic people, such

aswriters,actors,dancersandotherartists,havecreditedthefeeling of being anxiousabout their work and the

pressure to perform well astriggers that spark theircreative fires. Even greatintellectuals and inventorsthroughout history haveprofessed to having beenindirectlyinspiredbythefearoffailureor,mostcommonly,the fear of humiliation orruin. Being anxious at times

means you care about yourlife and the meaningfulpeople in your life. It meansyou’re a responsible personwho wants to succeed andprovideforyourselfandyourfamily.Without anxiety, reaching

goals and conquering riskswouldn’t be so valuable to

you.Inasense,anxietygivesyou purpose and drive. Itkeeps you on the right pathand helps you appreciate thegood you have. But for the18% of us who suffer fromexcessive amounts of it, thisorganicboostofangstcanbevery incapacitating. Toomuch anxiety can cause so

much distress that you can’tfunction properly. That canlead you to fail at fulfillingmajorroleobligationsinyourlife thatmostpeople take forgranted, such as taking careof your children properly,going toworkeverydayandattendingschool.Anxietycanbe so distressing that

suffererswouldgiveanythingto be rid of all anxiousfeelings for good. But whenyou can understand andappreciate its positive effectsbetter over time and learnhow to harness its returns, itcanseem less like somethingthatonlyworksagainstyou.

UNDERSTANDINGTHE FIGHT-OR-FLIGHT-OR-FREEZERESPONSEThefight-or-flightresponseisan automatic inner alarmsystem that physically

prepares the body to attackanddefenditself(fight),ortorun away and protect itself(flight). The freeze aspectdescribes the paralyzingeffect that some peopleexperience when they’re soscaredthattheyfeelfrozeninterror. It also refers to thebody’sinstinctofstayingstill

or“playingdead” inorder toward off a predator. Whenyou experience somethingthat feels dangerous orthreatening, awarningbell istriggered. Neurotransmittersare released in the brain andsendmessages to the adrenalglands, which producepowerful hormones such as

cortisol, which is called the“stresshormone”becauseit’sfound abundantly in thebloodstream of anxiousindividuals. What follows asa result of these hormonessurging through thebody arehighly disquieting physicalresponses that don’t feelgood. They can also be very

scary, which adds to theanxiety that’s alreadyworkingovertime.The typical symptoms that

you might experience fromthisfloodingofhormonescanbeverytroublingifyoudon’tunderstand them. You maysuddenly experience a rapidheart rate, shallow and

labored breathing, sweating,and your mind can start torace uncontrollably, scanningthe horizon for seen or otherunforeseendangers.The rapid heart rate caused

bythefight-or-flightresponseproduces an increase in thestrength of the heartbeat forgood reason. It’s critical in

your body’s preparation forfight-or-flight. Its purpose istopumpbloodquickly to theareas of the body that mightbe needed to face a fight orrun away fast, including thelarge muscle groups,especiallyyourarmandthighmuscles. Blood is thendivertedfromperipheralareas

like your fingers and toesbecause if the body is badlyinjured, it’s less likely tobleed to death. This is whypeople who suffer fromanxiety often report havingclammy hands and tinglingsensations in the feet andtoes.The shallow, labored

breathing that’s oftenexperienced also has apertinent function. Thepronounced and enhancedbreathing helps to prepareyou for the fight or to takeflight by bringing moreoxygen to your body. Whilethis response is supposed tobe for your own good, some

of the side effects can getintense. The shallowbreathing can escalate tohyperventilation, which canscareyou.Thiscanalsogiveyou choking sensations andchest pain. And because thebloodtotheheadisdecreasedby excessive panting andgasping for air, you can also

feeldizzyorlight-headed.The fight-or-flight response

mechanism produces anincrease in perspiration tokeep the body fromoverheating while it’s inaction. And an increase insweat helps make the skinslipperyandmoredifficult tolatch onto if a predator

catchesyou.Butthechieffunctionofthe

fight-or-flight response is toreliably alert the mind to athreat or danger in the area.The mind immediately shiftsits focus and redirects itsattention to the immediatesurroundings to check fordanger.Becauseofthis,some

individuals have difficultywith their memory andtrouble concentrating andkeepingtheirattentiononthepresent.Orthemindcanshiftinto freeze mode where itgoes completely blank,leaving you feeling helplessaboutwhatcourseofactiontotake.Allof this iswired into

yoursystemtoprotectyouasit did our cave-dwellingancestors.Whiletheextentofthe fight-or-flight responseisn’t necessary today, it’stherewhether you need it ornot, and it is the trigger foryouranxiety.

WHO IS

AFFECTED BYANXIETY?One of the many problemswith suffering from thiscondition is that the anxiousmindstrugglestodifferentiatebetween a warranted panicsituation, like being chasedby a hungry grizzly bear in

the woods, and the typicallymild stress of somethingbasic, like being late for anappointment. The anxious,primitive brain does notdistinguish between stresstriggersthateasily,andeverystressor can become acatastropheinthemaking.Most people who suffer

only mildly from worry andthe daily stresses of life—peoplewhomakeitthrougharegular day relativelyunscathed emotionally—understand anxiety in a waymuch like how theyexperience fearwhen they’rewatchingahorrorfilm.Whenwatchingone, theyknow it’s

just amovie and that they’rewatching fiction. Yet theystill get scared as if it werereally happening when theysee it on the screen. Theyjump out of their seats orcover their eyes. Once themovieisover,theyrestabilizeto a calmer disposition, andtheir fear-arousal symptoms

subside. They return to theirnormal activities of livingwithout the anxiety they feltwhilewatchingthefilm.But if you worry

excessively, you don’texperience anxiety as a briefandoccasionalphase.Ittakesmore of a hold on you,making it harder to

restabilize. One seeminglyinnocuous event can triggeryour anxiety and becomedebilitating. Despite havingsuffered formany yearswiththe same recurring fears, thebrain doesn’t always learnthatthere’snothingterribletobe afraid of. It’s been foundthat the fight-or-flight

response system that’s wiredto protect you actuallysidesteps the critical part ofthe brain where you storethoughts—the area thatcontrols how you interpretandrationalizestresstriggers.Another reason for why

somepeoplearemoreat riskthanothersforbeingcrippled

byanxietyisbecauseoftheirenvironment. A traumaticchildhood, accident, injury,chronicillness,deathorotherincidents that may havescarred you has the potentialto leave indeliblepsychological consequences,which influence yourreactions in the future. A

person who grows up in anunstable, chaotic familywhereheorsheisexposedtophysical or verbal abuse islikely to become moresusceptible to anxietysymptoms—or even morelikely to have an anxietydisorder—than someonewhocame from a stable home.

And past experiences canmanifest in current situationsthataresimilar.Forexample,peoplewhohadahumiliatingpublic speaking experiencearelikelytogetmorenervousin the future when they’recommunicating inagrouporsocial setting than otherpeopledo.

Geneticsalsoplaysaroleinthe neurobiological makeupof your brain. Studies showthat the psychologicalsusceptibility discussedearlier can be transmittedmulti-generationally orpassed down to offspring.Mom and Dad’s experiencesin life can begin a genetic

legacy of angst—that angstcould be passed down fromgrandparentsor theirparents.It can be difficult to try topinpoint exactly where youranxietycamefrom,buttryingtoidentifythecausecangiveyou more understanding andenableyou to take control ofit.

My father was, bydefinition, an anxious andworrisome man who neversought treatment or help ofany kind. Instead, hedisplaced his fears onto hiswife and children. He wasoften punitive and unfeelingin thewayhedisciplinedmybrother and me, and he

treated my mother verydisrespectfully. Because hewasalsopronetofitsofrage,hismoodswingsledtoverbaland sometimes physicallyabusive behavior. As Imentioned in theIntroduction, I’ve sufferedfromanxietywithahistoryofsevere panic attacks

throughoutmylife,beginningwhenIwasabouteightyearsold. While in therapy in mytwenties, I discovered that I,quite possibly, not onlyinheritedmy father’s anxiouspsychological makeup, but Iwas also a victim of hisabuse. I didn’t connect thedotsuntillateroninlife.

To this day I continue tounravel and piece togetherhowandwhyIoftenreact tothingsthewayIdo.It’seithergenetic, or it’s the prolongedexposure to my father’sbehavior over many yearsthat wired me for a life ofoversensitivity, or it’s both.Myyoungerbrother,whowas

exposed to the same traumaand instability in our home,has never experienced thetypes of psychologicalchallenges I have. He wassomehow spared the geneticlegacy, which, as a result,may have rendered himimmune to the potentiallydamaging trauma. Two boys

growing up with the sameabusive father and the samechaoticenvironment,butonlyone ended up being ananxious person. Thedynamicsof thebrain canbevery interesting and puzzlingaswell.My brother and I have a

great deal in common but

when it comes to how weprocessandreacttostimuliinour lives, we couldn’t bemoredifferent. I tend tobeasponge, often absorbing thestressesofthedayandfeelingweighed down by them. Mybrother is the exact opposite.He’s one of the mosttemperate people I’ve ever

met despite having beenraised in the same crazyhousehold. In short, geneticsand environment can be keyfactorsthatcontributetowhysomeone ismore likely tobeaffected by serious anxiety.But those factors don’tnecessarilywireeveryonefora life of having to deal with

it.

STRESS VS.ANXIETYTo fully understand theanxious mind, it’s importanttomakeadistinctionbetweenstress and anxiety becauseoften the terms are used

interchangeably. Stress andanxietytypicallysharesimilarcharacteristics in thephysicalsymptoms they trigger, suchas rapid heartbeat, laboredbreathing, muscle tension,restlessness, irritability,fatigueandsleepdisturbance,as well as cognitivesymptoms, such as difficulty

concentrating, racingthoughts and excessiveworry.However, anxiety is amentaldisorder, and stress isnot.In the last twenty years of

treating individualswithbothstress and anxiety, I’verecognized some cleardifferences between the two.

Stress tends to be an edgy,worried reaction to anidentifiablelifeissue,suchasdivorce, a relationshipproblem,illnessinyourselforsomeone you love,unemployment, financialhardship or moving. Thestressful feelings typicallydissipate once the issue has

decreased or been resolved.While the stress itself is stillpart of the fight-or-flightresponse mechanism thatkicks in as a reaction tospecific situations, it’sconsidered a more moderatetype of arousal compared toananxietyorpanicattack.Stress also manifests itself

asmoreofapersistentworryabout specific things than ananxious impending doom.The duration of stress istypically shorter. Anotherimportant aspect of stress isthat it doesn’t usually causeas much impairment in theday-to-day functioning of aperson’s life like anxiety

does. Furthermore, manypeopleoftenexperiencewhatwecall“healthystress.”Thisisthekindthatmotivatesandsometimes inspires thepressure you may put onyourself to perform well atschool, to excel at your job,to pursue a goal that matterstoyou,andtoprotectyourself

and your loved ones.A littlehealthy stress is needed tosurviveintheworld.Anxiety is more of a

response to life issues orother triggers that comesfrom being scared. It’s alsoconsideredtobeareactiontosomething that stimulatesstress and then sparks the

fight-or-flight responsemechanism,butthesetriggersare not always obvious, soit’s hard to identify them.And, as discussed earlier, attimes the source of anxietymay be perceived in a waythat’soutofproportiontotheactual reality of the situationthatscaresyou.Unlikestress,

which has a specific causeand typically ends whenthere’s a resolution to whatcauses it, anxiety can be achronicandcollectivegeneralfeelingofdiscomfortthathasbuiltupovermonthsoryears.It’s not limited to a finiteamountoftimethatonlylastsas long as the specific stress

episode. Further, unlikestress,anxietymanifestsmoreintenselythanjustapersistentworry. It can come on morelike an ongoing feeling ofpanic and dreadwith no endin sight. When this happens,youprobablywon’tbeabletoidentify the trigger or reasonthatcausesit.

Anxiety may cause peopleto experience seriouscognitive disturbances thatincludecreatingthoughtsthattakea fearful,catastrophicorirrational direction. This cancreate distorted beliefs and ageneral doom-and-gloomtype of outlook aboutwhat’shappening inyour life.Many

people with anxiety alsosuffer from generaldisturbances to their dailyroutines. Anxiety is indeedresponsible for causingsignificantimpairmentinhowpeople function in socialsituations and at work on aday-to-day basis. As aconsequence of those

disturbances, an anxiousperson sometimes has tomake painful sacrifices,which can begin a dominoeffect of shame and self-loathing.For example, some

individuals’ symptomsare soacute they have to quit theirjobs, give up traveling, or

avoid driving on freeways orriding in elevators, or curtaildoingmany other things thatmost people consider to benormal activities. Eventhinkingabout thesestressorscan send them into panicmode and trigger behaviorthat others won’t be able tounderstand. When this

happens, your self-esteemgoeswaydownandyoumayavoid people who will wanttoknowwhat’sgoingon.It’shard to explain what’s goingontosomeoneelsewhenyoudon’t quite know whyyourself, which adds anotherlevel of embarrassment andfrustration.Anditcanbehard

for people who don’tunderstand the differencebetween suffering fromanxietyandassuming they’rejust“stressedout”tolookforrealhelp.Forexample, Ionce treated

Emma, a newly enrolledgraduate student whoreported feeling stressed

about flunking out of schoolon a daily basis. Sheexperienced excessive worrythroughout the day thatprevented her fromconcentrating on herschoolwork.Shealsosufferedfrominsomnia,poorappetite,difficulty breathing andracing thoughts about

disappointing her family.Emma even reported that the“stress” was affecting herdesire to socialize withfriends and that she felt veryinadequate about not dealingwiththedemandsofgraduateschool. She often said,“What’s wrong with me? Ishould be handling this

better.” When I asked herhowlongthishadbeengoingon, she revealed a longhistory of being worried andanxiousaboutmanythingsinher life,especially in relationto performing well inacademics. She also revealedfeeling like a loserwhenevershe was challenged by life

eventsinthisway.Whileworkingwith Emma

asmypatient,Ihelpedhertounderstand the differencesbetween stress and anxiety. Ialsohelpedhertorealize thather symptoms were clearsigns of moderate to severeanxiety, which neededattention immediately. If she

continued to ignore orminimize them, they couldhave escalated and possiblycaused her to be unable tofunction and get through theschool year. Emma found iteye opening and a relief toknowitwasn’therfault.Once she grasped the

understanding that she was

suffering from a seriouscondition called anxietyinsteadof just stress, she feltlesscriticalofherselfandwasthen able to be morecompassionate with herselfabout what she was goingthrough. It allowed her towork on getting well insteadof trying to dismiss her

feelings. The diagnosisassisted her to reckon withher anxiety better and take itmore seriously. After a fewmonths of intensive therapy,Emma learned coping tools,which helped her to de-escalate her symptoms, slowdownherracingthoughtsandstabilizeherselfenoughtoget

throughtheschoolyear.Like me, many of the

individuals who are moreprone to anxiety than stressmeet the criteria to bediagnosed as having ananxiety disorder. Ironically,recognizing that you mayhave an anxiety disorder cangive you a sense of relief

because it often justifies thesuffering you’ve had andvalidates the years of painand confusion you’veendured. The diagnosisprovidesa stampof approvalthat the symptoms you’vesufferedarepartofaclinicalillness that requiresattention.It confirms that what you’ve

experiencedforalongtimeisnotsimplythetemporaryrashof the nerves that manypeople try to assign to yourcondition. Getting a clinicaldiagnosisalsotendstoinspirehopethatyouranxietycanbetreated and shows you thatyour symptoms arerecognizedasaconditionthat

many people suffer from. Itcanbearelieftoknowyou’renot alone and that you canlearn tomanageyouranxietyin ways that keep it fromimpairingyourlife.

GENERALIZEDANXIETYDISORDER

Although there are manytypesofanxietydisorders,themost common and basic iscalled generalized anxietydisorder.Generalized anxietydisorder has similarcharacteristics to thesymptomsdiscussedearlierinthis chapter andvaries in thespectrum of intensity and

magnitude. It ranges fromdistinct stress at the low endto potentially debilitatinganxiety at the extreme end.All other anxiety disorders—such as panic disorder,obsessive-compulsivedisorder (OCD), socialanxiety disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder

(PTSD) and phobias—canalso range from mild toextremeon the spectrum,butthe extreme symptoms thatresult from these conditionscan cause very severe life-altering impairments that cansometimes be difficult totreat.Generalized anxiety

disorder is best characterizedby persistent worry andpreoccupation with anidentifiablesourceofstressorone that doesn’t have anobvious explanation. Theseemotionsareoftendifficulttocontrol or put an end to.Individuals find it hard tostopthemindfromracingand

can’t keep fears and worriedthoughts from interferingwith their daily lives. Theyoften ruminate and obsessover everyday circumstancesrelated to their jobs, payingbills and their health as wellasthehealthoftheirfamilies.Many individuals who sufferfrom generalized anxiety

disorder also become overlypreoccupied with minorissues such as being late forappointments,forgetting theirhouse keys, disappointing afriend or neighbor. And as Iindicatedearlier,theintensityof the anxiety and worry isoutofproportioncomparedtothetruerealityofthestressful

situation itself or thepossibility of somethingnegativeoccurring.One of the important

criteria that helps distinguishbetween whether you’refeeling stress or have ananxiety disorder is theduration of the symptoms.According to the Diagnostic

and Statistical Manual ofMental Disorders, theongoing worry andpreoccupation felt must lastfor sixmonthsormore for itto be classified as ananxietydisorder. Whether you’rediagnosed with an anxietydisorder or you’re simply apersonwho is easilyaffected

by stressful situations in life,it’simportanttogethelp.The key to successful

anxiety management is tocultivatenewwaysofcopingby implementing the mentalergonomics presented in thisbook.Asyoubegintousemytools when you recognize ananxiety trigger, you can

gradually build a program ofstressoranxietymanagementthat’s solid and easy to use.Then you, not anxiety, willchooseyourresponsetowhatlifethrowsatyou.

Chapter 2

IDENTIFYING

YOURPERSONAL

BELIEFSYSTEM

“Itisnotthethings

themselveswhichtroubleus,butthe

opinionsthatwehaveaboutthesethings.”

—Epictetus

Forthemostpart,eversince you were born,youmadesenseof theworld through yourown eyes. And sincechildhood, you’vecontinually processed

and absorbedinformationthatcomesfrom society, school,your parents, religion,themedia,yourfriendsand other sources inyour environment.This information

forms your cementedbelief system. We allpossess diverse anddiffering beliefsystems that representthe internalinfrastructure of ourlives as we know it.

Your personal beliefsystem gives your lifemeaning and purpose.It typically spans yourlifetime, staying withyou until you die oruntilyoudosomethingconcrete to change it.

Your beliefs arecarried with you as afixed template thatrepresents biasedtruthsthatyouholdontowithcertainty.

However, your personalbelief system can also create

anxiety and keep your mindstuck in anxious patterns ifyou don’t recognize whatdoesn’tworkwellforyouandreplace those beliefs withonesthatsupportyoureffortstocontrolyouranxiety.

HOW “FIXEDTHINKING”

CAUSESANXIETYOver time, the fixed truthsyou adopt become thefoundation for developingunbendingopinionsandsolidconvictions about manyaspects of life. The problemis, when you see these

subjective opinions asindelible facts, it’s hard torecognize that they’re justyourpersonalbeliefsandthatthey can actually be changedto a more realistic set ofconvictions. Your personalbelief system can close yourmind and blind you to otherframes of reference because

time has convinced you thatyou’re right or that it’s theonlyway to think. This kindof fixed thinking can causeyou to miss out on morerational ways to viewsituationsandenjoyoracceptcommonhumanexperiences.If you hold on to fixed

beliefsaboutyourselfthatare

negative and/or self-defeating, it will inevitablyresult in your experiencingongoing anxiety. Forexample, if a man has apersonal belief or a fixedthoughtthata“realman”isastrong and stoic individualwhoshouldneveraskforhelpbecause that indicates

weakness, he’ll be critical ofhimselfwheneverhe’ssadorgoingthroughadifficulttime.He may also feel guilty fornotbeingable to takechargeandfindasolutioneverytimeone is in need, andsubsequently he will sufferalone. He may even feelinferior because he believes,

“I should be handling itbetter.” Yet the belief that a“realman”isstrongandstoicis simply an opinion, so it’sunnecessary to hold it as astandard to compare yourselfto. Many men don’t feel anintense pressure to beconstantly strong and stoicand are perfectly happy and

relaxed aboutwhether or notthey fit this stereotype. Yetthis belief rules many othermenandcausesgreatanxietyin some of them. However,it’syourchoicetoacceptthisor cultivate another personalbelief.Conversely, ifyourmind is

fixedonsomesortofpositive

fantasy of how things are orshould be, and someone orsomething comes along andchallenges that fantasy, youcan also get scared andanxious. If the belief isstrong, you may fightaimlessly to try toholdon towhat you think is a basicreality. And, if you’re

unsuccessfulatreachingyourfantasy—and you often willbe because life is full ofvariety and constant change—it can create a lot ofanxiety.For example, as a child, a

woman may have decidedthat she’d be married withtwokidsbythetimesheturns

thirty because itwas perhapswhat her mother set as herstandard. She grew upfantasizing about her dreamwedding and two perfectchildren and often acted outthe fantasy with friends, asyounggirlssometimesdo.Asshe approaches her latetwenties, she may begin to

get desperate about findingher husband so she can haveher wedding and then thechildren as she planned. Thecloser she gets to thirty, themore desperate she becomes,which can motivate poorchoicesandgreatanxiety.Nomatter howmuch her friendsreassure her that she’s still

got time to get married andhavea family, her belief thatit must be before she turnsthirtyissostrongthatitrulesherthinking,andsheobsessesabout this failure to find ahusband.An ironcladbelief system I

hadyearsagowasthatbyagethirty I should have a solid

career and my life shouldhave defined goals. Well,thingsdidn’tgoasplanned.Iwasmiserable and felt like Iwas doing life “wrong.” Itcreatedagreatdealofunrestand worry for me because itwaswhatmyfamilyhadalsoassumedI’ddo.Ifeltalotofpressure because therewas a

greatexpectationonme.Plus,mostofmyclosefriendshadestablished themselves incareers already. But as Istarting working with atherapistonmyanxiety,Inotonly identified my fixedthinking as irrational but Ialso realized that it was abelief system I created that

had no validity. Ironically,the therapy inspired me tobecome a therapist myself,andIfoundmycalling.Over time, I had to get

comfortablewiththefactthatit was okay to be thirty andnot have it all figured out. Ihad to accept that I wasperhapssimplyalatebloomer

and not a wishy-washywanderer with no goals inlife. So I became a therapistat age thirty-three. From myworkwith peoplewho sufferfrom anxiety and from mypersonal experience, I’vecome to understand that youmust not only confront yourfixedthinkingandpotentially

faulty beliefs, but you mustalso challenge your owntraditional way of thinking.But first, you mustunderstand what beliefsystems reallyare.Often thisunderstanding brings clarityandtheabilitytochange.

Beliefsystemsare

blindlyabsoluteanduncriticallyheldvaluesandopinionsthatattimesarehandeddownfromgenerationtogeneration,suchas“peopleshouldmarrywithintheirowncultureor

religion.”They’remadeupofguidelinesthatarebasedonfamilyvalues,societalstandardsandculturalcustoms.It’stypicaltonotquestionthesebeliefsbecausethey

weresupposedlypasseddownbysacredancestorswhoareassumedtohavepossessedmorewisdomthanyou.Sometimes,beliefsystemsareevenconsideredbymanytohavea

mythologicalandalmostmiraculousqualitytothem,dependingonwhomthey’reattributedto.

Beliefsystemsarealsoconsideredtobeimportantideologicalprinciplesthat

possessrelativeworth.They’reidealsandformalassessmentsoflifethatarewritteninindelibleinkandspeakwithanauthoritativevoice,like“anintimaterelationshipshould

onlybebetweenamanandawoman.”Thisauthoritativevoiceissoconvincingtomanyculturesthattoquestioncertainbeliefsisequivalenttocommittingaheinouscrime.You

learnthemaschildrenandgrowupwithastrongsenseofthembeingthetruthyoumustliveby.Butoftentheydon’thavetobeyourtruth,especiallyiftheyfeedyouranxiousmind.

Lettinggoofthesebeliefscanbetoughifthey’redeeplyingrainedinyourmind.Buttheydefinitelycanberedefinedifyou’rewillingtotry.

ASH’S STORYAsh was a fifty-six-year-old man. Hewas the father oftwo grown childrenand loved hisfamily. His parentswere first-generation

immigrants whowere veryconnected to theirhomeland cultureand its rituals. Ashhad a twenty-six-year-old daughter,whom he loveddearly and had avery close

relationship with.She had begunseriously dating anAmerican man of adifferent culture.The man was asuccessful lawyerwho was deeply inlove with Ash’sdaughter. They had

begun livingtogether and wereplanning to marrysomeday. Ashstruggled with afixed belief that hisdaughter—whom hedid not want to hurtor offend—shouldnot marry outside

their culture.Ash’s anxiety had

skyrocketed by thetime he came to seeme because he wastorn betweenenduring the wrathof his extendedfamily for allowingthis potential

marriage to takeplace, and the deeplove he had for hisdaughter and thedesire for her to behappy. But he wasparticularly blindedby a self-proclaimedbelief that he wasthe one solely

responsible formaking thatdecision andmaking everyonehappy. This aspectwas freaking himout more than theissue about thedifference ofculture. He also

became anxiousbecause hebelieved he’d haveto disappointsomeone becausehe could not satisfyboth his daughterand his extendedfamily. For monthshe was rattled with

anxiety and thepotential forunspeakable guilt.He could not sleepand was unable toconcentrate on hisjob. His life was inturmoil.Over the course of

treatment, Ash

recognized that hewas blinded by thefixed belief that hehad to play thematchmaker andthe judge. It was toomuch pressure forhim to handle. Hefelt trapped. Finally,after many sessions

together, he cameto the conclusionthat he loved hisdaughter too muchto hold on to hisfixed belief andultimately gave uphaving to make anydecision at all. Heconcluded that his

daughter was oldenough to make herown choices andthe family wouldhave to live with it.He realized that healone contributed tohis anxiety by takingon too much blindresponsibility. Ash

identified his beliefsystem aroundmarriage and beinga governingpatriarch andredefined it. Afterthis decision, hisanxiety lessenedand his quality oflife improved

immediately.

UNDERSTANDINGAUTOMATICTHOUGHTSAutomatic thoughts, whichare fundamental products ofyour belief system, greatly

contributetocausinganxiety.These are responses andreactionstotheworldaroundyouthatarelikereflexesyoudo from habit, withoutthinking. Since habitualbehavior is a natural part ofyourmakeup,yourbrainisinknee-jerk mode for most ofthe day.While in thismode,

youunconsciouslyrespondtocertainstimuliinspontaneousand impulsive ways withouteven knowing it. This isespeciallycommonwhenyourespond automatically whensomething scares you or youbegintofeelanxious.Itcouldbe said that we’re likewalking impulses operating

strictly on instinct. Theinstincts, of course, areguided by your personalbeliefs.Theautomaticthoughtsyou

acquire over time becomepart of an internal dialogueyou have with yourself.Through personalinterpretation, this inner

discoursegiveseachstimulusor event in your life anautomatic label followed byanunsubstantiatedconclusion—abeliefabout theprobableoutcome or why you shouldfeel anxious about it. Theselabels and conclusions areusually believed, even ifthere’s no evidence that

they’rerightandthere’sbeenno analysis of how true theyreally are. Throughout thebook I’ll discuss how tochange or let go of thesethoughts. For now I want tohelp you understand whatthey are and how theycontributetoanxiety.

Automatic

thoughts arebeliefs learnedfrom childhood.You weren’t born with yourbelief system and automaticthoughts already in place foryou to live by. They werelearned and quickly adoptedfrom various sources duringyour childhood and

adolescentyears.Youlearnedyourautomaticthoughtsfromsociety, your parents, yourreligion,thecultureyouwerebrought up in, the media, inschool,fromfriendsandotherinfluences. These beliefsmight have been learned inresponse to how you weretreated in specific

circumstances. Often they’redeveloped as a means toprotectyourselforbecause itwaswhat someone importanttoyouexpected.Forinstance,ifyourpartner

demands that you take on atraditional role in therelationship, even though itmay not be what you want,

your early years may havetaught you that your onlychoice to avoid conflict is togo along with it. In anotherexample, if you werepunished as a child for notgetting perfect grades inschool or not doing otherthings that lived up to yourparents’ expectations, you

may still be striving forperfection in your life today.Whenyoumakeamistakeatwork or let a friend down,youmay get anxiouswaitingtosuffer theconsequencesofnot being perfect. Even ifnothingbadhappens,itwon’tlessen the defensive feelingsyou’ll get the next time you

do something less thanperfectly—unless youincrease your consciousnessof the automatic thought thatmakes you believe thatsomethingbadwillhappen ifyou’re not perfect. The goodnews is thatwhatever beliefsyou learn in life can beunlearnedonceyoudecideto

letgoofthem.

Automaticthoughts areimpulsive, as ifoperatingunconsciously.These responses occurspontaneously, without youreven knowing it, and

sometimes speak for youbefore you’ve had time toconsiderwhat’sgoingonandhow you really feel about it.Speaking impulsively oftenleadstoregrets,whichcreatesevenmore anxiety. Let’s sayyou do cling to a personalbelief that tosucceed inyourcareer, you must perform

perfectly all the time. If not,you’re a failure. One dayyour boss at work gives youconstructive criticism aboutyour recent mediocreperformance on a project heasked you to work on. Youreact negatively because youfeel threatened even thoughhe likes you and enjoys

working with you. You saythings you regret in yourdesperatedefensetocoverupyour misgivings. Or,conversely, you cower to thecriticism and shut down forfearofconsequences.Butyoulater bad-mouth your boss toothersasawaytoretaliate.Inbothcircumstances,your

mind raceswithcatastrophic,negative scenarios aboutgetting written up poorly atthenext employeeevaluationmeetingorevengettingfired.Your automatic thoughtprevailedbecauseyour beliefisthatanycriticismistheendoftheworldandyoufailedtobe perfect. But you’re

actually not a walkingimpulse likeananimal in thejungle that operates oninstinct and natural reflex.You can rise above theimpulsive thoughts andautomatic urges and thinkyour life through. Your bossmight have said those thingsbecausehewantstohelpyou

advancetoyourpotential.Butyou won’t see that if yourbeliefs make youautomatically jump tonegative conclusions. If youtend to react impulsively,risingaboveyournaturetodoit is a vital part of retrainingyouranxiousmind.

Automatic

thoughts arebelieved as factand are rarelychallenged.You may believe that yourautomatic thoughts are theultimate truth because theyoccur so quickly, and yourknee-jerkreactionsmaybesocemented in your brain that

you don’t ever bother toquestion them. When you’restuck in a fixed way ofthinking, it’s very hard toconsider other frames ofreferencebecauseoftheblindconviction that your personalbelief system can possess. Ifyou are positive that thesebeliefs are true, you likely

wouldn’t think to challengethem or even notice whatyou’re doing as you react toanxiety-provokingsituations.When I was a teenager

living in New York City, Igot it into my head thatbecause I was not veryacademic,Iwasunintelligent.All through high school, I

failed many classes despitetutors, special remedialclasses and many Saturdaymorning studyhalls.The sadpart was that I believed theautomatic thought that I wasnot a bright child. I neverchallenged this notionbecause I didn’t know that Icould and becausemy father

—whoIlistenedtoblindly—often told me that I’d neversurvive in the world withoutbeing a good student. Thatbecamefixedinmythinking.And it scared me that Iwouldn’tbeabletosurviveinthe world since I didn’t dowellinschool.It wasn’t until later in my

twenties that I was able toopen up some space aroundthe false fact that I wasunintelligent. I learned that Iwas actually a relativelysmart person who wascapableatdoingmanythings—Iwasagoodwriter,agoodmusician and excellent atsports. I stopped listening to

the automatic thought that Iwasstupid.

Automaticthoughts areirrational andimbalanced.Your automatic thoughts canberecklessandoftenpossesscatastrophic characteristics

that are usually imbalancedand out of proportion to theseverityofthesituation.Theyhavementally distorted traitsthatcancauseyoutobeveryemotional and reactive, likeonlyseeingasituation inall-or-nothing terms. There arevery few gray areas in theseimbalanced thoughts because

the mind is thinking only inextremes.A classic example of an

automatic thought that tendsto be irra-tional andimbalancedisexperiencedbymany of us after arelationship breakup. Nomatter how mature orindependent we are, after a

breakup or divorce, many ofus suffer and lament, “I willalways be alone now” or “Iwill never find someone elsewhowill loveme likehe/shedid.” We are so hurt andscaredaboutbeingthrustintothe single life again that ourmind reacts andwehave all-or-nothing thinking. The

breakup is then blowncompletely out of proportionand the automatic thoughtsrunamok.Awarenessofhowtheseirrationalthoughtsdon’treflect what your optionsreallyarehelpsyoutakestepsto change them. When youend a relationship, it can behard to see the options of a

new beginning instead of asad ending because thefearful automatic thoughtsaren’tbeingchallenged.

Automaticthoughts arereflections of coreissues that havebeen with you for along time.

It’s common to thinkautomatic, recurring thoughtsabout yourself that arenegativeandself-criticalsuchas, I’msostupid, or I shouldhave known better or I’llalways be a failure. Thesethoughts are representationsof personal core issues thatyouholdontoaboutwhoyou

are. They’re part of the self-defeating soundtrack in yourhead that says you don’tdeserve to get your desiresmetortosucceedatwhatyouwant.Thissoundtrackisusedtodefineyourselfandcanbetracedbackovermanyyears.These core automaticthoughts become your

“organizingprinciples”inlife—an often indelible personalbelief system template that’sformed early and negativelyinfluencesyourlifeonaday-to-daybasis.Anexampleofacore issue

automatic thought is, I’m notgood enough. If, as a child,you felt alienated from your

classmates and weren’t partof the popular crowd atschool,youmayhavelabeledyourself ashaving somethingwrongwithyouandthereforebeing undeserving offriendship and love. Thisdefectiveness becomes anemotional template that’shardtoshakeoff—aprinciple

that you can’t break out of.So, as an adult, if you’reinvitedtoapartytomeetnewpeople, you may have anautomatic thought thatbelieves,No one will talk tomeandnoonewilllikeme.Itcanleadto,I’llfeelawkwardat the party and feel superself-conscious. That will

make me really anxious.Because of this, yourautomatic thought wins, youdon’t go to theparty and theself-defeating behaviorcontinues.But these self-defeating

soundtracks can be rewrittenonceyoufacethem.Thefirststep is learning to identify

them as automatic thoughts,which are part of your oldbeliefsystem.Forexample, Ihad a self-defeatingsoundtrackformanyyears inwhich I told myself that myanxiety caused me to havelimitations in my life, and itmeant that I was inferior.Why couldn’t I be like

everyone else? It could onlymean one thing: Somethingwasseriouslywrongwithme.This core issue affectedalmosteveryaspectofmylife—from going to college, toapplying for jobs, to datingwomen.Theshamefactorhadtentacles that reached out toeverythingthatIcameacross

in life. The shame was sotoxic that no matter what Idid, I still felt inferior toothers. The core issue ofshame started when I was achild and stayedwithme formany years. It was thebedrockofmyanxiety.

IDENTIFYING

YOURPERSONALBELIEFSYSTEMAnexcellentway tobegin toidentify your own beliefsystem and see what yourautomatic responses are tocertainsubjectsistocomplete

theexercisethatfollows.Youmight want to do this andotherexercisesinthebookinanotebookoradocumentonyour computer that’sspecifically created for it.Write your own personalbeliefs and your family’sbeliefs about the followingterms. While doing this

exerciseit’simportanttoonlywritedownthefirstthingthatcomes to mind. Yourrecorded response must beyour initial, automaticthought.Don’t think about itortrytorecordananswerthatwillsound“good”or“right.”The first thought you havewill be your raw personal

belief.An example of a political

belief is, All politicians arecrooks. An example of acareer belief is, If I am notsuccessful, people will notlike me. Be honest. This isonly for you. For each ofthesetopics,writedownyourfirstthought:

CAREER

Mypersonalbeliefis

Myfamily’sbeliefis

MONEY

Mypersonalbeliefis

Myfamily’sbeliefis

MARRIAGE

Mypersonalbeliefis

Myfamily’sbeliefis

RELIGION

Mypersonalbeliefis

Myfamily’sbeliefis

POLITICS

Mypersonalbeliefis

Myfamily’sbeliefis

Are you surprised by any ofyour responses? Did yourbeliefs differ from or mirrorthe way your family sawthese subjects? You mightfind that if you reflect onyour automatic responses,your beliefs might havechanged over the years. Or

you might discover that youhave the same convictionsyouhadmanyyears ago andthere’sverylittleevidenceofchange. Either way, theautomatic responses youwrote down represent theinfrastructure of your currentreality or the world as youknow it.Or it’s theworld as

youdesiretoknowitorthinkitshouldbe.NowI’llguideyou through

another exercise. Try toremember how you felt thelast time someone’s personalbeliefs about the subjects inthe preceding exercisedifferedfromyourown.Howdid that make you feel? Did

you label them as wrong forthinking differently? If youcan’t remember any incidentlike this, try to pay moreattention when it happens inthe future and ask yourselfthosequestions.Bybecomingaware of them, you have abetterchanceof lettinggoofthose personal beliefs that

contribute to keeping yourmindanxious.For instance, let’s say you

have passionate automaticthoughtsrelatedtothesubjectof marriage and you have anewfriendwhodoes,too.Butduring a conversation aboutthe topic, you discover thathis/her beliefs are the polar

oppositeofyours.Howmightyoureact?Yourfriendmightbelieve, Marriage is aninstitution that everyoneshould have the right to,regardless of sexualorientation. However, yourautomatic thought might be,Marriage should only bebetweenamanandawoman.

If two people cannotprocreate, then it’s not alegitimateunion.Howwouldyouhandlethis

big difference in these viewsaboutwhoshouldbeallowedtomarry?Becausebeliefscanbe very powerful, you mayactuallybeshockedthatotherpeople could think the way

they do. How could theybelieve that? They must becrazy! You may becomesuspicious of them forthinkinginwaysthatseemsoillogical to you and, moreimportant, for thinking soacutely in an oppositedirectionfromyou.Youmayeven form quick judgments

that determine them to beunstable or untrustworthypeople.Theironyhereisthatthese people, who you mayjumptolabelasunfittowalkthe planet,might be thinkingthe same about you. Why?Because,likeyou,theycouldalso be stuck in their ownbeliefs and unable to see

beyondthem.Now think about how

you’ve felt in the past whenyou encountered someonewhosebeliefsweresimilar toyours or imagine how you’dfeel if this happens in thefuture.Thistime,you’llmostlikely develop respect forthese people almost

automatically and trust themalmostimplicitlybasedontheshared belief. Labels like“unstable”or“untrustworthy”will probably not come tomind, even if they actuallyare! Your automatic thoughtwill probably create morepositive judgments of thembased solely on having a

common belief. You mayquicklygivethemlabelssuchas:

He/sheisaverygoodperson.I’msurethisisaveryniceman/woman.He/shemustbe

intelligenttohavethatsamebelief.He/shehasagoodheadonhis/hershoulders,likeme.

These kinds of automaticjudgments are based on ashared belief. Yet you maybarelyknow theperson.This

kind of response can causeyou to judge a personincorrectly. It’s important torecognize how theseautomatic thoughts based onbeliefs thatwere set in stonemany years ago can playoutinyourlifenow.Theycanbea catalyst for anxiety andkeep you from controlling it.

I’ll be referring to them inother chapters. For now,begin to increase yourawareness of your personalbeliefsystemandthekindsofthoughts that youautomatically go to. Imaginethat you are changing thepersonal “settings” of yourbeliefs,asyouwouldonyour

computer, by unchecking thelittle box of your formerdefault system. It’s okay forpeople to think differentlythanyoudo, and recognizingthis is a good step towardretrainingyouranxiousmind.

Chapter 3

CHALLENGING

THENOTION OF“CONSENSUS

REALITY”

“Realityismerelyan

illusion,albeitaverypersistentone.”

—AlbertEinstein

Over the many yearsthat I’ve been treatingpatients who sufferfrom stress, excessiveworryandevensevereanxiety disorders, I’vediscovered that many

of these individualscling to the idea thatthere’s a consensusreality—one way tothink about andrespond to somethingspecificbasedonwhatthey’ve been taught is

believed by mostpeople. Consensusreality is a mentalview that weunknowinglysubscribetoastheultimatetruth.It’s a narrow andlimiting way of

looking at life thataccepts, sometimeswith fervor, that asingle, unified realityin the world foreverything exists, andthatyoumustabidebyit. This kind of reality

is a fictionalconviction that oftenpossesses inflexiblerules about how tothink and act.According to thisconcept, individualsbelieve that there’s

only one opinion orone path to follow forhowtosucceedinlife,how to love oneanother, how toworship God, or whatand how to feel aboutthings that come up

from day-to-dayliving.

For example, throughoutmost of my childhood andyoungadulthood,Iclungtoaconsensus reality that Ipickedupfrommyfatherthatsaid, You should never trustanyone. My father had

apparently been treatedpoorlybyhisfamilyoforigin(whom he hated) and thenlater by many businesspartners throughout his life,so his motto was, Loveeveryone,buttrustnoone.Hewas very bitter about it andoftengavemevividexamplesof the many betrayals he’d

suffered inhis life.Sadly,henever connected these eventswith how profoundly hurt hewas.Hewasonlytunedintothe anger he felt about it.Because the anger cloudedhis vision,my father did notallowhimselftohealfromtheways he’d been burnedbecause he never challenged

his thinking, so instead hedecided that all people werebad. His consensus realitythat No one should ever betrusted became his safetyshield. He then passed thesame absolute belief on tome.Hemeantwell by tryingto protectme, but it affectedmedeeply.BecauseIadopted

his reality, I turned into asuspiciouspersonwhofearedlettingothersgetclosetome,like my father did. The one-way reality that I neverchallengedleftmelonelyandscaredformanyyears.This kind of rigid thinking

contributes to increasedanxiety over a prolonged

period of time and can leaveyou scared and ambivalentabout people and what’sgoing on in your life. Youmay spend inordinateamounts of time second-guessing about what’s rightor wrong and even wastingtimetryingtobeperfect.Oritcan cause you to feel

oppressedor inhibitedby theinflexible regulations thatyou’re sure you shouldadheretosincethey’rerootedin your firm belief in theconsensus reality that’s beeningrained inyou.Eitherway,youcanbecomeaslavetothecues you get from whatsociety seems to dictate, or

familyexpectationsofyou,orreligious mandates or otherpeople or areas of your lifethat matter to you. Bythinking this way, youdepriveyourselfofbeingableto focus on your internalvoiceor,betteryet,yourownview of your life and thepeopleandcircumstancesyou

encounter.I’ll discuss how to create

your own reality later in thebook. Right now I want youto understand where yourcurrent perspective of realitymay come from. Awarenessis the first step to challengeany consensus realityway ofthinking.

It’s critical to understandthatthereisnosuchthingasareal consensus reality—andthere is no such thing asreality at all. In fact, there isjusthowyouseelife throughyour own personal filter.Consequently, you have thepowertochangethefilteranddevelop a new vision of life.

Once you can do that, awhole new world ofconscious thinking can openup for you. In time youmaybegin to comprehend: I havethe power to create my ownreality.Ifyourecognizethatyoudo

indeed have the power tocreate your own reality, you

won’t be a slave to anyone’scriteriaofhowtobeamanora woman, or any otherimposed opinions and/orjudgments of yourself andhow you should act orrespond tovarious situations.Atthatpointyou’veliberatedyourself fromdependence onexternal cues for validation

and acceptance. You’llbecome free to develop yourown internal evaluatingsystembasedonyourcriteriafor being a human being,based on a reality that youcreate foryourself.This verymindset can easily begin theprocess of reducing thefrequency and severity of

anxietysymptoms.

DREW’SSTORYDrew worked as anattorney in theentertainmentindustry in LosAngeles. He wasmarried with no

children and cameto therapy seekinghelp for what hecalled his “freewayphobia.” Hereported that he hadno other problemsin his life andinsisted that his lifewas great, except

for the drivingproblem. Drew saidthat he was able todrive on surfacestreets and countryroads, but he couldnot get on afreeway withoutexperiencing severeanxiety symptoms.

Whenever he triedto enter thefreeway, he’dexperiencedebilitating issues,such as heartpalpitations, laboredbreathing, sweatypalms, dizzinessand choking

sensations. Ithampered his lifeand his ability to getwhere he had to goquickly.Drew admitted that

he had alwaysconsidered himselfto be a mildlyanxious person, but

in the last twoyears, his anxietyhad mushroomedinto an anxiety-producing freewayphobia. It all startedone day whiledriving home, onthe freeway, from astressful day at

work. Out of theblue, he suffered amassive panicattack that almostcaused him to passout. He was soscared by this thatafter the symptomssubsided, he drovehimself to the

emergency room atthe nearest hospital.They told him hewas fine aftervarious tests wererun. There was novisible reason forhis symptoms, andhe was sent homewith no formal

diagnosis. Thatadded to hisanxiety.Over the next few

months as therapycontinued, Drewbegan to discusssome of the highstandards he heldfor himself and also

how often he wasvery self-critical. Heacknowledged thathe was a peoplepleaser and wantedto make everyonehappy all the time.He had been raisedin a family wherepretentiousness and

always lookinggood, feeling happyand beingsuccessful werevery important to hisparents. From ayoung age, thepressure was onhim to live up to hisfamily’s standards

and to follow in thefootsteps of twoseemingly perfectolder brothers. Asadults, one becamea successfulcriminal lawyer, andDrew looked up tohim, viewing him asa model for the way

a man should be.His other brotherwas the head of aprominent moviestudio in Hollywood.They were hardacts to follow.During therapy

Drew also sharedthat his work

environment wasvery competitive,and the need toproduce favorableresults on a regularbasis added to hispressure. He felt astrong need toachieve accordingto his family

standards, and itstressed himgreatly. He alsoadmitted that at onetime he hadconsidered leavingthe field of law tobecome a highschool teacher—adream he always

had. Drew believedthat was his truecalling, but he wasafraid of what hisfamily and friendswould think of him ifhe quit his job toteach, especially hismother. He believedthey’d look down on

him for not having arespectable anddistinguishedcareer. He alsoadmitted thatsometimes hethought that heprobably became alawyer just toplease his parents,

who were also veryaccomplished. Hisfather was a retiredheart surgeon andhis mother was anengineer. He grewup feeling inferior tothem and deepdown believed hecould never

measure up to theirlevel of success, nomatter what he did.Another important

aspect of Drew’s lifewas that, sincechildhood, heconsidered himselfto be very close tohis maternal

grandmother, whowas a Holocaustsurvivor and thedominant matriarchof the family. Hesaid she was morelike a mother to himthan his real one.Over the years shehad been very open

with him about whatshe had sufferedthrough. Althoughhe always feltuncomfortableabout listening toher stories, Drewfelt obligated to bethere for her at alltimes. He could

never say no to her,and, in time, servingas her privatesupport systembecame hisexclusiveresponsibility. Hetried to be verycareful to never addany additional pain

to her life, so helearned how to walkon eggshells aroundher. He later sharedthat because of thisrelationship, hebegan to walk oneggshells aroundeveryone. Doingwhat he could to

please people andnot say or doanything that couldannoy someoneseemed like a saferway to be.Drew came to

therapy to get helpfor his freewayphobia, but in

actuality, hediscovered that itwasn’t the freewaythat was stressinghim out. He himselfwas the cause ofhis escalatinganxiety. He realizedthat he was goingalong with a

consensus realitylearned at a youngage that was veryrigid and unforgivingabout career,success,relationships andfamily obligation. Hefelt trapped in theperceived reality

that his family hadunwittingly imposedon him that had nowiggle-roomwhatsoever to thinkor be different fromit. But mostimportant, he feltterrified that hewould lose his

family’s love if heever strayed fromwhat was expectedof him. Drewallowed thisconsensus reality totake over histhinking by adheringto the followinginner dialogue:

To beaccepted in myfamily andsociety, I mustalways besuccessful ateverything Ido.To beaccepted in myfamily andsociety, I musthave a

prestigiouscareer.To beaccepted in myfamily, I mustalwaysconsider theneeds of thefamily first.To beaccepted in myfamily, I shouldnever

disappointanyone.To beaccepted in myfamily, I shouldfeelresponsible foreveryone’sfeelings at alltimes.To beaccepted in myfamily, I must

make suregrandma neverfeels any pain.

Once Drew took thisfirst step to identifythat he grew uplearning these hard-and-fast rules forbeing accepted, hewas able to do the

work to let go of theconsensus realitythat had dominatedhis life until now.Acknowledging itwas the first, criticalstep. Until you seewhere your problemoriginates, it’s hardto do something

positive about it.Once Drewacknowledged thebeliefs that drovehim, he was able toclaim his life on histerms and temperthe stress thatcaused his freewayphobia. He’s still

working on breakingthe habits ofresponding with hisconsensus realitymindset that he wasconvinced was hisonly way. But he’smuch happier as heslowly creates hisown reality—and

he’s looking into thepossibility ofteaching at leastpart-time.

THE TYRANNYOF THE“ABSOLUTES”

Another excellent way toexpose any consensus realityyoumayhaveandtoidentifythe timesyoumaycling to itisbylisteningtotheabsolutelanguage you use inconversation or self-talk. Forexample, think about whenyouseewordssuchasshould,shouldn’t, never, always,

everyone,noone,everything,nothing,mustorought.Theseabsolutes or blanket wordscan cause you toinadvertently go along withthe idea of the mono-reality—one absolute way ofthinking that leaves no roomfor exceptions or alternatives—by using words that limit

your thinking. They also canmake you feel pressure toalways live up to them, ortheymaycontradictwhatyouactually want to do, whichcreates conflict about whatyou should do. The mostdestructiveabsolutewords ofallareshouldandshouldn’t.Thinkaboutit.Ifyousayto

yourself,Ishouldhaveknownthis would happen, or Ishould be more productive,you imply that there’s aninvisible manual orinstruction book floatingaround out there in the airwith absolute decrees thatdictate how to be a goodhuman being, and that there

are rules that must befollowed and you’re notgettingthemright.Therefore,you’ll probably convinceyourself to feel guilty. Thiskindofguiltcansubsequentlyleadyoutofeelashamedandpowerless.The dangerous “absolute”

quality of the word should

also implies that you couldpotentially have access to acrystal ball and can predictthe future or have somekindof mind-reading device thatcan magically reveal whatotherpeoplearethinking.Theword should is one of themostirrationalwordsyoucanuse.

For a long time, I clung tothetyrannyofthe“should”inmaking decisions. Theunbending “absolute” herewas,Ishouldnevermakeanymistakes.Iwassoterrifiedtomake wrong decisions aboutevensmallthingsthatIendedupmakingveryfewdecisionsat all. Ihad to relyonothers

tomakethemformeorsweatbullets when I had to makethem on my own. I couldn’tsee that I naively believedthere was always a rightdecisionouttheretobemade.SoIhadtotrymybesttousetheproverbialcrystalballandlook into the future to makesure I chose wisely.

Naturally, this set me up foryears of anxiety because weall know that we cannotpredict the future. My one-way reality from using the“should” absolute did notleavemeanyroomforerror.I encourage you to try to

replace theword shouldwiththe phrase, I would prefer.

For instance, if you’rethinking, I should be moreproductive, when you feelyou should get more done,you can replace that with amore rational thought like, Iwould prefer to be moreproductive with my life. Letme see what I can do tochange how I work so I can

accomplish more. Thisthought takes theguiltoutofthe equation andmay in factempower you to take actioninstead of remaining passiveand feeling like a victim asyour anxiety increases,making it even harder to bemore productive. That’s agood reason to eliminate

should and shouldn’t fromyour vocabulary wheneverpossible!I remember treating a

patient a few years ago whooften used another strongabsolute—thewordnever—inmany of her sentences. Sheespecially used it when shethought of her future. She

wanted very much to getmarriedandhavechildren.Sowhenevershefelt lonelyorarelationship with a boyfriendended,shewouldthink,IwillnevermeettherightmanorIwill never have a family.Sometimes her absoluteschanged to, I will always bealone. At age thirty eight,

Bethany didn’t realize thatalthough she did have abiologicalclocktickingintheback of hermind, the use ofthe word never was causinghersuchepicanxietythatshecould not function at workand tend to herresponsibilities. The wordneverisirrationalinitsnature

because never is a future-based absolute that can’t besubstantiated. But moreimportant,itwasconnectedtoherconsensusrealitythatshepickedupfromsocietythatawoman is only defined as awomanifshehaschildren.Another consensus reality

sheclungtowasthatyoucan

never be happy unless youexperiencethejoysofraisingkids. These two conceptswerefreakingheroutbecauseshe never had any reason tochallenge them. In our worktogether, I helped her todistinguish between otherpeople’s reality of happinessandtheirconceptofwhatitis

tobeawoman,andwhatshefelt comfortable believingherself. Once she started todevelop her own voice aboutthese two subjects andcreated her own reality, heranxiety decreased. Bethanyrealized she still wanted tohave children and believed itwouldmakeherhappy,butit

was no longer a desperatesearch based on someoneelse’s reality. She then feltless pressure to pursue herdreams because now theywereonherterms.A decisive aspect of

retraining the anxious mindrestsonthepremisethatyourpersonal views of yourself

andyourenvironmentarethemajor determinants of howyou feelandact.Byclingingto personal beliefs aboutyourselfandtheworldaroundyou,youholdthemtightlyastheultimatetruthsyouadhereto and unwittingly embracethese truths as if they werefactual, rock-bottom data.

However, in time, you canbreak the cycle by acquiringthemantrausedbymanyself-empowerment leaders:“Don’t believe everythingyou think.” This means thatwhen you’re anxious, don’timmediately trust yourautomatic thoughts becauseoftentimes these thoughts are

irrational. Thoughts are notfacts. They’re just thoughtsand sometimes don’t need tobegivensomuchimportance.For example, if early in

yourteenageyearsyouneverfelt like you fit in with yourclassmates or were teased,over time you may isolateyourself from others, leading

to feeling as if you didn’tbelong. This can lead you tocreate a negative opinionabout yourself—that you’reinadequate or worthless.From there you mayformulate other solid,believable negative beliefsabout yourself that graduallybecome perceived as fact or

the rock-bottom data. Thesenegative beliefs or mentaldistortions could generatethoughts like, I’ll never havefriendsagain, Iwillbealoneforever or I’m not worthyenoughforpeopletolikeme,sothere’snoreasontobothertotrytointeractwithanyone.Consequently, you’ll

unconsciously begin to writea story, a screenplay almost,written in indelible ink, ofwho you are, based on theinaccurate belief that yourmind has accepted: I don’tbelong. Years may pass andyou’llcontinuetoclingtothisstory, not even realizing thatyou made it up or that it’s

simply a distortion younaively adhere to based on asituation from many yearsago. Then, you ultimatelybegin to mold an inner coreconsensus reality, anunyielding conclusion aboutwhat you are, whichmay besomething very irrationallike,I’llalwaysbeaninferior

human being. Unless you letgo of these beliefs, theywillcontinue to keep your mindanxious.

TOOLS FORRECOGNIZINGANDCHALLENGING

YOUR IDEA OF“CONSENSUSREALITY”Once you become aware ofany consensus reality thathelps to form the foundationof your personal beliefsystem, you can begin tochange your reality to one

that’s more realistic. InChapter7I’lldiscussindepthhowyoucancreateyourownreality. But first I want tofurtherhelpyourecognizetheabsolute beliefs you haveabout how you and thosearound you should behave.The beliefs in your currentrealitymayhavebegunwhen

you were very young. It cantaketimetoidentifythemandacknowledge that they don’tneed to apply to you. Butonce you do, you haveanotherpieceofthepowerkityou need to retrain youranxiousmind.For now, start to pay

attention to thoughts that are

based on beliefs you learnedfromyourfamily,religion,inschool, from friends or evenfrom a romantic partner.Since awareness begins theprocess of retraining yourmind, it’s important to reallypay attention to any absolutethoughtsyoumayusetoviewwhat’s going on in your life.

To accomplish this, askyourself the followingquestions, and try to behonestwithyouranswers:

AmIlivingwiththeideaofamono-reality?Ifyoujudgepeopleandcircumstances

accordingtobeliefsyou’vebeenaccustomedtousingasthestandardforhowpeopleshouldlive,itlimitswhatyoufindacceptableandcanleadtoanattitudeof“mywayorthehighway,”

whichalienatespeople.Andwhensomethingconflictswithyourbeliefsorsomeonechallengesthemitcanincreaseanxiety.

AmIclosedofftoalternativerealities/possibilities

andpointsofview?Whenyourthinkingisrigid,itcanputalotofpressureonyoutokeepyourworldworkingthewayyouthinkitshouldsincemanypeoplewilldisagreewithyou.Notbeing

opentowhatotherpeoplethinkcancreatestressfulstaticbetweenyouandthoseyouhaverelationshipswith,whetheratworkorinyourpersonallife.It’shardtogetalongwithpeoplewhen

yourefusetoconsiderotherpointsofview.

AmIfocusingonexternalcuesforguidanceandvalidation?Whenyouneedapprovalfromotherpeopletofeellikeyou’re

doingwell,it’shardtohavegoodself-esteem.Thatalsokeepsyoulockedintotheirvaluesandbeliefssoyoudon’thavefreedomtodevelopyourown.Youmightnotbefullycomfortable

withwhatyou’vebeenconditionedtobelieve,buttryingtothinkforyourselfcanseemscary.Thatcancreateaconflictinsideofyoubetweenneedingtopleaseothersandwantingtoplease

yourself.

AmIfocusedonold,self-imposedorfamily-imposedrulesabouthowtolivemylife?Decideifyoureallybelievewhatyouweretaughtorifyoujustgoalongwiththe

beliefstofitinorbecauseyou’rescaredtothinkforyourself.Thinkabouthowthesebeliefscametoyou.Weretheydrilledintoyourheadandyouadoptedthemtoavoidproblemsthat

mayhavecomeupifyousteppedoutsideofthem?Ordidyouadoptthemoutoffear—tokeepyourlifestructuredinwhatyouthoughtwasanacceptableway?It’stimetodecidehowyou

wantyourworldtoreallybe.

AmIlimitingmyexperiencesinlifebyusingabsolutewordssuchasshould,neverandalways?Ifyoubelieveyou“shouldn’t”do

something,youprobablywon’tdoit,evenifyou’dliketo.Ifyoulivewithmany“shoulds,”youcangetstuckdoingthingsyoudon’twanttodo.Believingthatyoumust“always”do

thingsperfectlysetsyourselfuptobeletdownifyoufallshort.Thoseabsolutekindsofwordscankeepyouinaboxwithinvisiblewallsthatblockyoufromsteppingoutofyour

comfortzonetodothingsthatwouldenhanceyourlife.Tryingtoliveuptotheseabsolutescanbeagreatsourceofanxietysinceyou’rehumanandwon’talwaysbeabletoupholdthem.

REPLACEMENTTHOUGHTS—THE FIVE-MINUTE RULEAfteryourecognizeanyideasof a “consensus reality” thatyou are clinging to as rulesyou must live by, giveyourself five minutes to step

back and try to responddifferently.Thinkaboutwhatthese beliefs really mean toyou and if you want to staylocked in the rigid thinkingthat’s contributed to youranxiety.It’simportantforyouto take your blinders off soyou can see the variety ofoptionsyouhaveforhowyou

can perceive someone or asituation.Thisisaprocessofunlearning the old habits ofautomatically responding theway you always have. Beginto expand your horizons byregularly replacing your“consensus reality” thoughtswith the followingaffirmations:

Iwillremindmyselfonadailybasisthatthereisnosuchthingasaone-wayreality.Holdingontoabeliefthatthere’sonlyonewaytothinkaboutwhathappensinyourlife

isyourchoice,notthewayithastobe.Ittakestime,andyouoftenmustconsciouslyremindyourselftoletgoofthehabitofgoingintoone-waythinkingpatterns.Asyoupracticeandget

usedtoit,broadeningyourperspectivewillbecomeeasier.

IwillopenupmymindandconsideralternativerealitiesandpointsofviewthatImaynothaveeverseenbefore.

They’reoutthereifyoulook.Askyourself,“Whataremychoices?Whatmightbeabetterwaytoviewthis?”Whenpeopleofferaperspectivethat’sdifferentfromyours,askthemtoexplain

theirreasoninginsteadofjustnegatingitautomatically.Whenyouholdontoaconsensusreality,youmaynotlistentosomeonewhothinksdifferently.Butaskingaboutthat

person’salternateviewscanenlightenyoutonewwaysofthinking.

Iwillpracticelettinggoofmydependenceonexternalcuesforguidanceandvalidation.People

pleaserslooktoothersforapproval.Itcanbestressfultoalwaysneedotherstovalidatehowyoushouldthinkandshouldviewasituationthatarises.Whenyouremoveyourblindersand

acceptthatthereareotherreasonableperspectivesbesidestheonesingrainedinyou,youranxietycandecrease.You’llbegintodevelopatruesenseofselfasyougraduallylearntothinkforyourself

andseekself-approvalratherthanonlytryingtoattainitfromothers.

IwillconsiderfocusingonmyownrealitythatIcreatebasedonmycriteriaforhowtobeahumanbeing.

Whenyoubegintoconsider,“WhatdoIreallythinkbasedonlogicandthefacts?”you’llfinditeasiertolookpasttherealityyou’vebeenlivingintoseeabetteronebeyondit.Openingyourmind

canreducethetriggersthatcreateanxiety.

Iwillreplaceabsolutewords,suchasshould,neverandalways,withmorebalancedandrealisticlanguage.It’s

importanttobecomeawareofhowyouusethesewordssoyoucanfindalternativesthatdon’tputpressureonyou.Themorebalancedyoucangetinyourthinking,thelessanxietyyou’ll

havefromit.

Chapter 4

BALANCING

THEDUALISTIC

MIND

“Lookingoutintotheuniverseatnight,we

makenocomparisonsbetweenrightandwrongstars,norbetweenwellandbadlyarrangedconstellations.”

—AlanWatts

Do you tend to seeyourself and your lifein black-and-whiteterms—thateverythingis either one extremeor the other? Viewingyourself and your

world like this isanother way youtriggermoreanxietyinyourlife.Thoughtsgetdistorted when youthink with what’sreferred to as adualistic mind. This

means you labeleverything inyour lifein only one of twoways: for instance,either or extreme, like“I’m the best studentinschool”or theotherextreme, like “I am a

completefailure.”Thismay seem like a goodway to create a senseofsecurityandcontrolover life’suncertainties, but adualistic mind in facttricks you into

believingyouhavelifefigured out. But youusually don’t—whodoes?

This false sense of securityallows you to feel that yourlifeisspelledoutforyouandit’s not necessary to struggle

andsearchanymore.Thatcanfeel good in a world wherethings are constantlychanging and people make agreat effort to just survive.But the feeling is onlytemporary, and when realityhits, it can leave you moreanxiousthanyouwerebefore.

BLACK-AND-WHITETHINKINGWhile it might feel good inthe moment, thinking with adualistic mindset creates anall-or-nothing mentality thatnarrows your vision andtriggersinsecurityinthelong

run. It also instills morerigidity and conspires withthe consensus realitydiscussed in Chapter 3 toview your world andperception of situations inways that create extremejudgments. For example, adualistic mindset compelsyou to judge yourself as

either:

RightorwrongGoodorbadStrongorweakSmartorstupidAsuccessorafailure

Anunflinchingdualisticmindhas no balance in its thought

process.It’sallone-sidedandusually very severe andstubborn. This mindsetdistortshowyouseeyourself,and if you’re not perfect itautomatically casts you in anegative light. Not being assmart as you’d like does notmake you stupid but adualisticmindsetsaysitdoes.

And you’re not a failure ifyou’re striving for successbuthaven’treacheditinyourself-imposedtimeframe,butadualistic mindset says youare. Those kinds of thoughtskeep you from seeing all ofthepositiveoptionsthatexistin between the two extremesand greatly limits what you

thinkyou’recapableofdoing.I know all too well how

extremethinkingnotonlycancreate anxiety but can alsoblockyourabilitytoenjoythepleasure that can be foundbetween the black-and-white.The memory of being apassionate competitor inathleticswhenIwasyounger

and the anxiety caused bywanting to be the best ateverything I did still lingers.There was no room for amediocre performance or aless-than-perfect day.Whenever I played tennis,softball or basketball withfriends,my dualisticmindsetbecamemyworstenemy.IfI

batted four times during asoftball game, got three basehits and was out only onetime, that one out meant itwasn’tgoodenoughformetofeel a sense ofaccomplishment.After the game, I’d sadly

fixate on the one time I wasout and let that define my

whole performance at thatgame. I’d run it inmy head,overandover, for the restoftheday,filteringoutthethreehits I got. My focus wasentirely on the one out, andmydualisticmindsetdeclaredmealoserbecauseIdidn’thitaperfect four for four. Iwaseither a great player with a

perfect day of getting a hiteverytime,or,becauseofoneout,Iwasalousyplayeroraloser who was unworthy toshow his face on the fieldagain.Icouldnevercelebrategetting three hits because ofthis, and as you mightimagine,playingballbecameananxioustimeforme.

The fact is, life doesn’twork in that one-sided way.It’sfullofsubtlebalanceandvaryingdegreesineveryareaof being human. There arevery few situations that arenot. Remembering this cancountertendenciestothinkinterms of absolutes. Keepthese two principles close at

hand:

Allcircumstanceisneutral.Nothingissetinstonebecausevirtuallyeverythingisnegotiable.

The approach to life thatthesebeliefsgiveyouisvalid

inmostcases.However,keepin mind that there are a fewexceptions involved withthese concepts because thephrases all circumstance isneutral and everything isnegotiable are in themselvesabsolutes. So when you takeinto account these principles,just remember that they do

not include willfully andintentionally hurting orcausing harm to anyone inany way, shape or form orbreaking any laws. Basicmoral codes are notnegotiable and they are notneutralcircumstances.Thisisa critical area where the lineisdrawnandthere’snogray.

ZACH’SSTORYZach was a thirty-two-year-oldgraphic designerwho soughttreatment for hissymptoms of acuteanxiety andexcessive worry. He

came to me a yearafter moving fromNew York to LosAngeles seeking abetter quality of life.He admitted that thetransition wasdifficult. Finding full-time work hadbecome more of a

struggle than heexpected. He hadalso recentlymarried his long-time girlfriend,Donna, who workedpart-time as awaitress at night.The two were happytogether on a

personal level, buttheir financialsituation was bad.They were havingsuch a hard timemaking ends meetthat Zach had toask his parents formoney until hefound a job.

Adding to thestress, Zach andDonna talked abouthaving childrensoon. Zach wasunder tremendouspressure to makethings work. He feltlike a failure as ahusband and

believed he let hiswife down by notproviding for her bygetting a good jobsoon after theymoved. He also feltlike adisappointment tohis parents. Heacknowledged that

moving to LosAngeles was hisidea and since hewas unable to findwork, he felt shameand regret about hisdecision. Zach toldme, “I should havethought it throughbetter.” He was also

scared that Donnawould leave him tofind a betterprovider if thingsdidn’t change soon.Zach confessed

that he’d alwaysbeen a perfectionist.I heard stress buildin his voice when he

explained howmuch he hated tofail at anything andhow his standardsand expectationswere very high,much more so thanthat of his friends.He rememberedbeing this way all

the way back tograde school. As alittle boy, Zachnever quite graspedthe basics of mathand algebra andoften needed a tutorto complete hishomework. Hisclassmates had an

easier time, so Zachgradually convincedhimself that he wasdumb and thatsomething waswrong with him. Thefact that he did wellin most othersubjects,sometimes better

than most of hisclassmates, was amoot point. If hedidn’t excel ineverything, in hismind he was stupid.One day an

impatient teacher,insensitive to Zach’sstruggles with being

perfect, humiliatedZach in front of hiswhole class. Afterthat incident andcountless others, hebegan to feelscared of anyteacher calling onhim or being askedto solve math

problems on theblackboard in frontof his classmates.He also pretendedto be sick on thedays he wassupposed to attendmath class and hemissed a lot ofschool because of

his aversion. Afterfinishing gradeschool, heeventually forgotabout theexperience andwent on with his life.Or at least hethought he did. Buthis I must be stupid

belief stayed withhim long after.While you may not

often think aboutincidents thatdeeply affected youlong ago, as withZach, they stay withyou, silently waitingfor an incident to

bring them up. Asan adult, Zachachieved areasonable amountof success throughhis work as agraphic artist, andDonna loved himunconditionally. Buthe was still haunted

by the image ofbeing discovered asthe “dumb guy.” Hefelt as inadequateas a man as he didas a schoolboy whostruggled with math.That old, painfulmemory felt as realtoday as it did when

he was younger.While Zach came totherapy seekinghelp for hissymptoms ofanxiety due to hisfinancial hardshipand other things heworried about in hislife at that time, in

treatment herecognized thatwhat he felt wentmuch deeper thanhis current situation.Zach saw that his

need for perfectionat all costs was theroot of his profounddistress. He was

never able tomaster solving mathproblems, yetsubconsciously heused the kind ofexactness anddiscipline that’srequired for doingmath to achieve inother areas of his

life to make up forhis shortcomings.That motivated himto tackle everythingwith harshness,self-criticism andunbending rules.Over the years,Zach developed anall-or-nothing

mentality aboutevery aspect of hislife in order toovercompensate forwhat he thoughtwas a deficit ofcharacter and basiclack of intelligence.Zach’s dualistic

thinking led him to

believe that he hadto be perfect whenmaking all decisionsabout his career, inaddition to beingperfect in his rolesas a husband andson. Any deviationfrom perfection waslabeled as wrong or

a complete failure inhis mind. Hecouldn’t see himselfas a balancedhuman being withboth strengths andshortcomings. Mostof his thoughts andactions, andsometimes even his

emotions, werejudged asacceptable orunacceptable, asright or wrong. Andusually he feltwrong. In Zach’slife, nocircumstance wasneutral and very

little was negotiable.His high standardsfor perfection mademost of his self-judgments land onthe negative side.Zach fell victim tohis dualistic mindsetby adhering to thefollowing inner

dialogue:

To have valueas a person, Ishould neverfail at anything.To be likedand admiredby others, Imust nevermake amistake.

To be seen asan intelligentperson, I mustbe good ateverything.If I am perfectat everything Ido, people willnot abandonme.All mydecisions inlife must be

well thoughtout and mustbe correctones.To ask for helpmeans that I’ma failure.

Once Zach becameaware of how hebrought his

perceived failuresfrom not doing wellin math into everyarea of his life, hewas able to use mytools to let go of hisrigid perfectionstandards. Itenabled him toslowly release his

harsh self-judgments and finda kinder, moreaccurate way toview himself and hisaccomplishments.He was also able torelax a lot more withhis situation,knowing he was

doing his best. Thatinstilled a muchmore positive stateof mind in him.Easing up on hisunfair judgment ofhimself allowed himto focus his energyon his goodqualities, which he

credits foreventually getting ameaningful,satisfying job thatfulfilled his reasonsfor moving to theWest Coast. Zachfelt like he wasreborn once he wasable to get his

black-and-whitethinking in check.As he changed hisway of thinking, amore positive worldopened up for him.

FINDING YOUR

GOLDILOCKSZONEBalancingyourdualisticmindopens up a new world ofthinking that you may nothave known existed. Whenyou’re stuck in a fixed viewof life, it’s very hard to seeoutsideofit.Butonceyou’re

able to see virtually allcircumstances as neutral andthat every aspect of life canbe negotiable, you canessentially create your ownreality. That gives youanother opportunity to breakdown the limiting walls ofconsensus reality. In a way,allowingthisconcepttoopen

upinyourlifeislikefeedingyourself oxygen since itunlocks a flow of freedomthat’s life giving. Letting goof dualistic thinking helpsyou breathe easier and beginto shed your old suffocatingwayscreatedbythoughtsthatlimityourlife.A good example that

illustrates the importance ofgenerating the balanced grayareas of thinking is our solarsystem. One reason thatplanet Earth is able tomaintain life and keep usaliveisthatitslocationinoursolar system in juxtapositiontothesunisperfectlysituatedin what’s called the

“Goldilocks Zone.” This isthe orbital position thatproduces the temperate andhabitable conditions that are“justright”forsustaininglife.IftheEarthwereclosertothesun, liquid water wouldevaporate because the planetwould get too hot. If it werefurther away from the sun,

liquid water would freezebecauseitwouldgettoocold.Imagine what would happenif the Earth became adualistic planet and strayedeither toward or away fromthe sun. Life on Earthcouldn’t survive those kindsof extremes. But somehow,bythegraceofagravitational

pull that keeps it balanced inthe Goldilocks Zone, theEarthremainsinthegrayareaofitsorbit—thegoodbalancethat enables our lives tocontinueinrelativecomfort.This analogy is similar for

you. When you can createyourownGoldilocks Zone—a balanced gray area of

thinking—you’ll manageyour life better. As yourthoughtsgetmoreinbalance,you generate conditions thataremore favorable for livingwell because you’re lesslikely to fall victim tothinking that sends yourthoughts into irrationalextremes. Finding that

balance creates more calminside you,which feels goodand allows for being morerational.As I said earlier in this

chapter, it’s human nature togo astray from that zone byentertaining dualisticappraisalsofyourselfandtheworldasrightorwrong,good

or bad, or strong or weak.Youneedtobevigilantaboutthe kinds of thoughts youcreateandremainrationalbylookingforthebalanceinanysituation of life. And guesswhat?The balance is alwaysthere. You just have to lookforitwithanopenmindandawillingness to keep your

judgments from going toextremes.Remember,liketheold adage says, success is90% of how you handle asituation.

BECOMINGMOREREFLECTIVE

Retrainingyouranxiousmindmeans you rise above yourdualisticthoughtsbylearningto identify your position asrational or irrational, asbalanced or imbalanced. Intime, you can acquire thehealthy coping skill of beingmorereflective than reactive.Reflective means you think

aboutwhat’sgoingoninsteadofmakinga snapdecision. Italso means looking at thesituation or judgment morecarefully to note the detailsinstead of letting your firstreaction take you to anextreme. Being reflectiverequireschoosing to look forthe balance, knowing it’s

there if you want to find it.For example, learning to bemore reflective than reactiveis like installing a lightdimmer mechanism in yourmind.Whenthelightis“on,”perhaps you are too reactiveto many life situations. And,since we do need someanxiety to survive in the

world and it’s almostimpossibleforthemindtobeon the “off” position, adimmer device is the nextbestthing.When you react

immediately, your emotionsoften drive your perceptionand dictate your response.This usually gives you just

enough time to look at bothsides instead of what’s inbetweensincethere’snotimeto look deeper. Then yourview is either good or bad,right or wrong, smart orstupid.Reflecting allowsyoutofirstcalmdownsoyoucansee what’s between theextremes.When you do this,

you can weigh your optionsand make a more rationaldecisionthanifyoujustreacttowhat immediatelyhitsyouatthatmoment.If you’re reflective during

difficult times and use thisnewway of thinking, you’reless likely to reactnegativelyor wander off into extreme

thinking. Only when you’rein this new place can youbegin to create your ownreality.Thataddsagreattoolfor you to control youranxiety, since you eliminatesomeofthehabitsthatcreateananxiousmind.Let’s look at this closer. If

youbelievethatyourlifeand

destiny are, in a sense, pre-ordainedandthere’snomoreroom for search anddiscovery, you’ll reactnegatively when things dochange—and they always do—becauseyourtightlyboltedview of life is threatened.You’ll become reactivebecause the right or wrong,

the good or bad that definesyour life and the lives ofothersintheconsensusrealitythat you adhere to getscompromised. At thismoment, you can’t bereflectiveandcan’t findyourGoldilocksZonesinceyou’renot even aware that it exists.Youonlyknowoneway—the

one that keeps you stuck inseeing your life through thevision of thinking inextremes.

MYRA’SSTORYMyra, a twenty-eight-year-oldwoman who worked

as an administrativeassistant for a largeescrow company,came to therapycomplaining aboutsymptoms ofanxiety andexcessive worryabout her future.She revealed that

she was raised by avery controllingmother who waspoor for most of herlife. This led to herdeveloping a strong,almost unrealisticwork ethic. Myraremembered whather mother told her

every day: “Life isnot about fun andgames. Life is abouthard work.” Myraalso recalled that onmany occasions hermother said that aresponsible adult isalways vigilantabout money, work

and most of all,people. She taughther to never trustanyone, saying,“Once you let yourguard down, peoplewill take advantageof you.”Over the years,

Myra unknowingly

internalized hermother’s words, andthey eventuallybecame a part ofhow she respondedto life and formedher beliefs. Fromage ten, she beganto excessively worry—every day—that

she would sufferfrom irreparableconsequences andfeel great shame ifshe did not performat 100% all the timeno matter howinsignificant the taskwas, includingschoolwork,

athletics, choresand her job. Most ofall, it meant Myracould neverdisappoint anyone,even her bestfriends. Shebecame self-conscious about herlooks, clothes and

how well she gotthings done. Thatled to developing adependence onother people’sopinions for herself-image, resultingin her becoming apeople pleaser anda perfectionist.

Then Myra beganto police herself. Ifshe came homefrom work and triedto relax on thecouch for abreather, she feltguilty that shewasn’t beingproductive. If she

overslept or waslate to anappointment, she’dbe very critical ofherself andexperience mildpanic attacks.Taking vacationswas forbiddenbecause that

constituted fun andMyra equatedhaving fun withbeing negligent.She believed thatdisaster would bewaiting for her whenshe returned from abreak she enjoyed.Myra’s reactivity

was directlyassociated withfixed black-and-white thinking aboutwhat a responsibleadult was. At workshe was either afrantic womangetting very littlesleep and operating

on all cylinders 24-7, or she was a lazyslacker. And sheconstantlycompared herself toothers. She over-monitored herselfas interesting orboring, pretty orugly, or smart or

stupid. She couldnot break out of herextreme thinkingand find herGoldilocks Zone.There was nobalance in how sheassessed herselfand how shecompared to others

in her world.Over time, Myra

learned to balanceher dualistic mindand be morereflective thanreactive by usingthe Five-MinuteRule at the end ofthis chapter to step

back and identifythe underlyingsource of herdogmatic innervoice. Then, withpractice and beingmore conscious ofher thoughts, shelearned to cultivateher own voice—one

that wascompassionate andmore realistic.Slowly Myradeveloped atemperate voicethat benevolentlysearched for thegray areas in herextreme thinking.

She even admittedthat she hatedfeeling scared allthe time, and sherealized that all shewas clinging to wasan old script thatkept her on a shortleash.Eventually she

redefined what aresponsible adultwas that was basedon her terms andreframed her viewof people based onher own philosophyof life. Myrarecognized that upuntil that time she

had reacted tosituations with aknee-jerk responsethat she wasunaware of. Shewas convinced thatthe all-or-nothingstandards she livedby were normal andthat to survive in the

world, she had tocling to them.During hertreatment I gave herthe tools in thesection that follows,and they helped hercultivate her abilityto be reflective. Shestopped her

escalating negativethoughts by gentlyreminding herselfshe was no longer alittle girl living underher mother’s roofand was anindependent womanwho understoodthat a responsible

adult actually didthe opposite of thekinds of things hermother taught her.Myra now knows

that a responsibleadult focuses ongood self-care andcultivates balance inthe gray areas of

her life on a dailybasis. And aresponsible adultlets go of striving forperfectionism andexcessive worryingabout the future. Aresponsible adultneeds to takevacations and

afternoon breaksand requires thelove of others, too.Once Myraaccepted that, shewas able to relaxinto her new,healthier mindset.

TOOLS FORBALANCINGTHEDUALISTICMINDYou can balance yourdualistic mindset! What’smost important is to

recognize that you go toextremes and can slowlybegintofindmorebalanceinyourthoughts.Itwillprobablytaketimeto

break any tendencies oftaking your thoughts in adirectionthatyou’veusedfora long time. At first, evenyourexpectation for the time

frame inwhichyouwill stopthinking in black-and-whitemay begin as an extreme.That’s because once youidentify this pattern anddecide to change it, youmaywant it to immediately stop.But going from thinking inextremes to seeing andembracing a more middle

ground probably won’thappenimmediately.Start by accepting that any

small change you make isprogress. Ask yourself thefollowing questions and letthe rationales behind themslowly sink in. These willhelp you recognize anydualistic tendencies youmay

have and stoke yourawareness so you can letthesetypesofthoughtsgo:

AmIthinkinginextremetermsandusingblack-and-whitethinking?Remember,solelylookingatextreme

optionskeepsyoufromconsideringallthepossibilitiesthatlieinbetweentheblack-and-whitechoices.Itdeniesyoumanyopportunitiestofindsolutionsthatcouldeaseyouranxiety.

Whenyouallowyourselftoseeanduseamiddleground,youranxiousmindcanrelax.

AmIreactingemotionallywhenthingsdon’tlookright?Ifyoudon’tachievethe

perfectionyoudesire,youmightgetfrustratedandangrywithyourself.Judgingintheextremesetsyouupformoreinstancestobedisappointed.Sinceyourversionofrightorgoodor

successfulhastobeatthetopextremeforyoutobesatisfied,anythingshortofthatcanmakeyouseeyourselfaswrongorbadorafailure.Doyoubeatyourselfupifyoufailtoget

somethingasrightasyouthinkitshouldbe?Dualisticthinkingcreatesallthosenegativeemotionalfeelings.Astheybuild,theyleadtomoreanxiety.

AmIlookingfortoomuchcertainty

inaworldfullofuncertainty?Doyoutrytocontroleverythingaroundyouinordertohavethingsgothewayyouthinktheyshould?Remember,sinceyoucan’tcontrolallthe

outsideinfluences,thingswilloftennotgoexactlyasyouwantthemto.Yetinanefforttogototheextremeyouwant,youmaytrytofightthesystemandcontrolothersaroundyou.Ifthat

doesn’twork,anxietybuilds.Whenyoucan’tbesatisfiedwithlessthantheextremeyouwant,itcanpushyoutokeeptryingunsuccessfullytomakethecertaintyyouwanthappen.

Youmaybeseekingperfection,whichisimpossibletoattain.Yetyourdualisticthinkingpushesyoutorefusetosettleforless.

AmIjudgingmyselfasstrongorweak?Smartor

stupid?Remember,judgingyourselfisneveragoodideasinceyou’llbeyourownworstcritic.Notbeingstrongenoughtodoonethingdoesnotmeanyou’reweak.Notknowingsomethingdoesn’t

makeyoustupid.Ifyousethighstandardsanddon’tcompletelymeetthem,goingtotheotherendofthespectrumsellsyouwayshort.Sinceperfectionisimpossible,thiswill

usuallykeepyouonthelowendofself-esteem.Goodself-esteembeginswithself-acceptance.Youcan’thavethatifyou’realwaysreachingforthetopbranchonthetree.There’splentyof

fruitonthelowerbranchesthatcanbejustassweetifyoutastethem.

AmIover-monitoringmydecisionsasrightorwrong?Goodorbad?Remember,makingdecisions

canbehardingeneral.Whenyouputrigidjudgmentsonthem,itkeepsyouwafflingaboutwhatchoicetomake.Ifyoudecidetodosomethingthatdoesn’tworkoutthewayyouhoped,it

won’tbetheendofyourworld.Sincetherearesomanycircumstancesbeyondyourcontrol,evenagooddecisioncandisappointyou.Thinkingaboutyourpotentialdecisionsaseitherpositiveor

negativekeepsyoufromlettingyourguthelpyou.Usingadualisticmindsetaboutmakingdecisionscanwastealotoftimeandwillalwayskeepyouanxious.

REPLACEMENTTHOUGHTS—THE FIVE-MINUTE RULEOnce you identify a dualisticthought,giveyourselfatleastfive minutes to responddifferently.Trytocalmdownany emotions that can

influence how you judgesomethinginblack-and-whiteterms.Whenyoucangetintothehabitofstoppingtoassesswhatyour reaction shouldbeinstead of having a quick,knee-jerk reaction, you cantake control of going toextremes. Change how youcometoconclusionsbyusing

thefollowingaffirmations:

Iwilllocatethebalancedgrayareaofanystressfulsituationthat’spresentedtome.Remember,thegrayareaisthereifyoulookforit!Bringthe

blackandthewhiteoptionsclosertogethersoyoucanfindthegraypointofview—thebalancedmiddleground.

Iwillbemorereflectivethanreactive.Remember,in

almostanysituation,it’sadvisedtothinkbeforeyouact.Thesameistrueaboutmakingjudgments.Whileit’snormaltoletemotionsstiryoutoanimmediateresponse,givingyourselftimeto

thinkaboutitallowsyoutofindaperspectivethat’smorebalanced.Thathelpskeepdualisticthoughtsincheckandallowsyoutofindamorerationalwaytoseewhat’sgoingonandto

judgeyourselflessharshly.

Iwillfindmycenter.Remember,ifyourmindrelaxes,yougetintoyourmorebalancedzone.Whileitmightfeeluncomfortableatfirstifyou’venever

beenthere,onceyouallowyourselftoliveinthegrayinsteadofonlyseeingblack-or-white,you’llfindit’samuchmorepleasantplace.

Iwillacceptthesubtlebalanceand

vaguedegreesoflife.Remember,lifeebbsandflowslikethetide.Whenyoucannavigatethroughthetimesthatcancauseanxiety,you’llfeellessanxiousandenjoylifemore.

IwillacceptthatI

donotneedcertaintyabouteverythingrightnow.Remember,whatyouneedistoacceptthateverythingwon’talwaysgoyourwayandthat’sokay.Ithelpsyourelax

aboutyourcircumstance.Youcanalwaysfindalternativesifyoustopandlookfortheminsteadofgoingtoaplacewhereyourimmediate,extremethoughtsruleover

reflective,rationalandbalancedthinking.

Affirming these phrases willhelp them to sink in. Slowlyyou can retrain your anxiousmind into a more balancedway of thinking. As you getused to it, your thinking

habits will change fromblack-and-white to a morerelaxingshadeofgray.

Chapter 5

RISING

ABOVE THEILLUSION

OFCONTROL

“It’snottheloadthat

breaksyoudown,it’sthewayyoucarryit.”

—LenaHorne

Most of us live withtheillusionthatwecansomehow controlcritical facets of livesin varying degrees.This kind of thinkingis very seductive

because it can giveyou a sense ofsecurity, especially ifyou suffer fromongoing anxiety.While this is a falselyempowering sense ofsecurity, it can make

you feel safer in theworld and may evenhelp you to thinkyou’re protecting thepeople you love. Thefunny part about it isthat you may reallybelieveitworks.Butit

doesn’t.

CREATING AFALSE SENSEOF CONTROLThinking you have powerover every circumstance inyour lifecanmotivateyou totrytocontroleverythingfrom

peopletotheagingprocesstothestockmarket.Sometimes,you may even try to controlwhat you rationally know isimpossible. For example, ifyou’re driving in heavytraffic and are late for animportant appointment, youmay act like you can controlthe flow of traffic by doing

things like madly yelling atother drivers, honking yourcar horn and flipping peoplethe bird.Whywould you actthis way unless you think itwill work? When the carsaheadofyouhavenowheretogo, do you still honk andyell? People do this eventhough there’s no rational

waythathonkingandyellingandgettinganxiouscanmakethetrafficmove.When your initial efforts

don’twork,youmaycontinuetocomeupwith strategies totry to control somethingthat’s uncontrollable. And ifyou fail, and you probablywill,you’llfeeldesperateand

your anxiety will likelyskyrocket. Consequently thefollowingpatterniscommon:

Feeling scared can motivate

you to try to controleverything, but you can endupinapanicwhenitdoesn’twork.Instead,attemptingthislevelofcontrolisarecipeforescalating anxiety. Thischapter will help yourecognize this pattern andoffer suggestions for lettinggo.

TRYING TOCATCH THEWINDFor many people, especiallyanxiety sufferers, the idea ofletting go of control is quitefrightening. You may beafraidtoletyourguarddownbecause it feels like

everything in your life willfall apart, or that you’llbecome neglectful of yourresponsibilities.Whenever you think you

can control something orsomeoneandcountonhavingthat control as the sign ofyour success with thatendeavor, the responsibility

for your happiness goesoutsideofyourreach.So,it’slike trying to “catch thewind”because,obviously,thewind cannot be caught. It’simpossible.Youmaycountongettinga

specific amount ofmoney incommissionsorassumethatafriend will support an

endeavor thatmatters toyou.But since these factors areactually out of your control,you’ll rarely get the resultsyou need.Your commissionsmay fall through or yourfriend may get too busy togive you the support youneed. It’s a formula for highanxiety because you become

avictimofthinkingyouhavecontrol over everything inyourworldwhenyoudon’t.Ifyoufindyourselfthinking

youhavethepowertocontroleverything, try to step backandbemorereflectiveinsteadof reacting quickly, like Idiscussed in the previouschapter. Instead of striving

unsuccessfully to controloutsidefactors,youcanworkon the inside—making aneffort to control yourself andlearning to more readilyaccept external issues.Controlling yourself helpscontrolyouranxiety.Before I recognized my

own illusion of having

control over my life, Isufferedbecauseofmystrongdesire to manage everyoneand everything. I remembergettingveryanxiousforhoursandsometimesdaysbeforeanevent when I began publicspeakingtwentyyearsago.Inretrospect, I was trying tocontrol how my audience

would see me. I worriedconstantly:Willtheylikeme?Will I bore them? Will theylaughatme?Will I look likeafool?Iwassofixatedonthejudgments that the audiencemight make about thepresentation and me that Iplaced my entire self-worthas a person into their hands.

Bigmistake!The truth was, even if I

delivered a flawlesspresentation, there wouldprobably still be people whofound fault with it. Yet Iturnedtocontrolstrategies todomybest to beperfect andultra-preparedonthebigday.TheconsequenceswerethatI

didn’t sleep the night before,mystomachwasinknotsandI lost my confidence. Why?Because I was trying tocontrol something I had nocontroloverbyhopingtogetforty complete strangers inthe audience to love me,whichwasimpossible.OnceIacceptedthatIhadnocontrol

over how people wouldrespond,andthatwasokay,Iwasabletoletgoofmyneedto control everything. Myanxiety dropped and I feltbetter before and duringfuturepresentations.Asmentionedpreviously in

this book, your goal shouldnotbetochangetheworldor

people or places—becauseyou can’t. But you canchange your response to theworld.The loadof theworldisnotwhatbreaksyoudown;it’s thinking that you cancontrol it and how you carrythat burden.Once you let goof trying tocontrolwhatyoudon’t have control over, you

cangetyourlifeback.Neverforget—the only thing youcan have control over isyourself.Yes,folks,that’sallyou can truly control! Youmay succeed at influencingpeople and work to achievesome minor successfuloutcomes. You mayencouragepeopleandperhaps

even inspire them, but that’sit.Everypersonisresponsiblefor controlling his or herresponses.When youmodifyyours, a more realistic,positive change can occur asyou approach the worlddifferently.

STRIVING TO

BE PERFECTOver the many years I’vebeen in private practice, I’veobservedthatwhenyouclingto an excessive need forcontrol as a way to try tolessen anxiety, you exert thiscontrol in ways that canappeartobemanipulativeand

overbearing. But the twomostcommonwaysoftryingto control life circumstancesthat I’ve witnessed comefromanexcessiveneed tobeperfect,andrelyingonothersfor approval—or being apeoplepleaser.Striving to be perfect is a

dualistic concept that means

having extraordinarystandardsforyourselfandforother people that areunrealisticallyhigh.Youmaybelieve that at one hundredpercent you’re successful butatninety-eightpercentyou’rea failure. Similar to how Ibeat myself up for gettingthree out of four hitswhen I

usedtoplaysoftball.For example, if athletes

whostrivetobeperfectenterinto competitions and win asilver medal or come insecond place, they don’tconsiderthemselvesawinner.Instead,theyseeitaslosingagold medal or missing firstplace. It’s not uncommon to

seeanOlympicathletecryingover“just”winningthesilvermedal. As you watch, youprobablythinktheyshouldbehappytobethesecondbestinthe whole world becausethey’ve competed against somany incredible athletes.Yetthey can’t appreciate thatbecause the pressure to be

numberonetrumpsthat.The mindset of always

having to be perfect is aslavery of themind that willnever be freed. It’s the idealsetup for anxiety, and if it’snot recognized and cut downto size, it can become theperfect storm that will feedyour angst tremendously.

Making progress should beyouridealgoal,notstrugglingto be perfect. Appreciatingany progress you make feelsgood. The anxiety of notbeingperfectdoesn’t.

PEOPLEPLEASING

Relying on others forapproval, which often leadsyou to become a peoplepleaser, also lays thegroundwork for anxiety. It’simpossible to have everyonelove you and never bedisappointed by you.Even ifyou lived on a tiny island,with only five other people

livingtherewithyou,andyoutried very patiently to makethemalllikeyouallthetime,you’dprobablystillfailsincesomeone will still find fault(maybe the people pleasingwill annoy them!) withsomethingaboutyou.It’sjusthuman nature that you can’tplease everyone. Therefore,

like with needing to beperfect, the need to be likedor loved by everyone isbound to flop. And thepressure it puts on you tokeep trying to achieve it cantriggeranxiety.Being a people pleaser

forces you to put your ownneeds and desires aside and

focus on what other peoplewant.Doing so can hurt youin many ways. If you don’tget enough approval, thepressure can push you to tryhardertoplease.Forinstance,you might spend money youcan’taffordtotreatpeopletodinner and buy gifts. And ifyoustilldon’tgetthekindof

approval you seek, it canleaveyoufeelingrejectedandafailurefornotbeingabletoplease the person enough.When you neglect yourselffor the sake of others, yourhealth and happiness can beimpaired by your efforts towintheapprovalofsomeone.And if giving and giving

doesn’t get you any supportor the rewards you crave, itcan also create resentmentthatyouprobablyholdinside.After all, telling someonehowyoufeelmightmaketheperson angry, and you don’twant to do that. But theresentmentstilllingers.Relying on others for

approval by being a peoplepleaser means you must bevigilant (controlling) aboutalways saying and doing theright thing. If the need isstrong, you may practicallylive and die by what youthink other people arethinkingofyou. It’sas if thesunrisesandsetsonwhether

ornotyougetvalidationfromyour friends, family,coworkers, superiors andother people important toyou. And it keeps youfocused on them at theexpenseofyourself andyourownneedsanddesires.Allofthis can build large amountsofstress.

KRISTEN’SSTORYKristen was atwenty-six-year-oldwoman who wasliving with herboyfriend, Bryan, forthe last three years.They were verycommitted to each

other and plannedto marry and havechildren within thenext few years.Kristen came totherapy wantinghelp with heranxiety andinsomnia. Sheexplained that she

was unhappy withher job as anadministrativeassistant at a largeconstructioncompany. It wasunsatisfying anddefinitely not thecareer sheenvisioned when

she was in school.She had studiedscience in collegeand was confusedabout why shedidn’t pursue herpassion. Shealways wanted tobe a marinebiologist, yet she

settled for a job thatgot her no closer tothat goal and justpaid the bills.Kristen’s anxiety

had started fourmonths earlier whenBryan admitted thatalthough he deeplyloved her, he wasn’t

sure if she was “theone” for himanymore. He alsosaid that since hiscareer was in flux,he was scared thathe couldn’t providefor her appropriatelyor be the husbandhe’d like to be. A

few weeks later,Bryan also revealedthat he had an affairwith a coworker.Kristen wasdevastated butrefused to leave himin hopes of patchingthings up. Itweighed on her

every wakingmoment and kepther from sleeping.For Kristen, the

uncertainty aboutwhat would becomeof her future withBryan was killingher. She couldn’tconcentrate on work

or anything else forthat matter. It felt asif his ambivalencewas shattering herworld and makingher obsessive andcontrolling. Thisresulted in hersuffering fromintermittent panic

attacks withfrightening heartpalpitations andlabored breathing.She sometimessecretly followedBryan around andeven checked hiscell phone when hewas asleep to see if

he’d been speakingto the woman hehad an affair with.She alsointerrogated himwhen he camehome late andalways suspectedthe worst. Yet shewas terrified that

she’d upset himenough to make thesituation worse.Kristen also

confessed that evenbefore theseproblems started,she had alwaysbeen an anxioustype of person who

worried a lot. Butonce she metBryan, most of herangst andcontrollingtendenciesdisappeared. Whenthey first met, shedescribed them asbeing blissfully

connected, and theyhad planned almostevery minute oftheir free timetogether. Shetearfully askedseveral times in onesession if I thoughtshe should leavehim now or instead

try to figure him out.She was confusedabout what directionto go and said shewas trying harderand harder toplease Bryan butdidn’t know if itwould be enough tokeep him happy.

Kristen discoveredthat the source ofher severe anxietycame from herexcessive need forcontrol. Sherecognized that bytrying to controlBryan and hiserratic behavior,

she was makingherself feel worse.She begrudginglyacknowledged thatdespite the betrayal,she was trying to fixthe relationship byusing manipulationand spy tactics as adesperate attempt

to save it.In order to cope

with life’s roadbumps, Kristenbegan a pattern oftrying to control thepeople around herand herenvironment,believing it would

make her feel safe.Because she wasso fixated oneveryone else, sheseldom lived in themoment so shecould enjoy her ownlife. After she gotinvolved with Bryan,she became

obsessed withwanting to beperfect for him andto please him all thetime. Thisobsession wasactually an illusionof having control.Kristen fell victim tothis false belief by

adhering to a veryspecific innerdialogue that shewas convincedwould allow her tofeel safe bycontrolling her life:

To feel safe inthis world, Imust have

completecertainty abouteverything.To feel safe inthis world, Ishould micro-manageeverything andalways bevigilant.To feel safe inthis world, Ishould pay

close attentionto everyone’sbehavior.If I am rejectedby anyone, itwill mean thatI’m a worthlessperson.If Bryan leavesme, nobodywill ever loveme again andI’ll always be

alone.

She repeated herinner dialogue as ifit were a certainty.Notice how sheused the kind ofabsolute wordsdiscussed inChapter 3, such as

should, must andalways.Over time, Kristin

let go of thesebeliefs. She let goof being the fixerand the peoplepleaser and beganfocusing on herselfinstead of trying to

control what wasoutside of herself.She learned thather needs had tocome first in orderto be happy andshe did have controlover that. Kristenalso accepted thatshe had zero

control over Bryanor anyone for thatmatter. I helped herto see that thestrategies shechose to help herfeel safe only madeher feel worse. Soby giving up theneed for control,

she subsequentlystopped feeling outof control and gother life back ontrack in a moresatisfying way.

ACCEPTING

THELIMITATIONSOF YOURCONTROLIwilluseoursolarsystemasan example once again togive you another picture ofyour place in the world inrelation to other people.

Hundreds of years ago, theaccepted truth about theconfiguration of the planetswas that the Earth was thecenter of the universe andresponsible for thegravitational pull of all theother planets. The Earth wasconsidered the centerpiecethat everything revolved

around. People believed thatif for some reason the Earthshifted from its position asthe heartbeat of the solarsystem, the planets coulddangerously realign and gooffcoursefromtheirassignedorbits and there would becomplete interstellar chaos.Today we see things quite

differently.Whatastronomersnow believe is that Earth isactually just a small planetthatorbitsaroundasunthat’svastlygreaterthanit.AndtheEarth isn’t responsible formuchatall,exceptmaybeforthe minor duty of being thegravitational pull of our tinymoon. The world doesn’t

revolvearoundyoueither.It’s important to try to

remember thatyou’renot thecenter of anyone oranything’s universe and youarejustonediminutiveplanetout of many. The reality isthat youonlyhaveyourownorbit to worry about. Whenyou accept that, you can let

gooftheassumptionthatyoupossessanykindofpowerorcontrol over anyone oranything. You simply don’thave that kindof supremacy.Youarenotthesun!Remember, you’ll be far

less anxious if you let go ofthe illusion that you cancontrol everything and focus

onalteringyour responses tolife, instead of failingmiserably at “trying to catchthe wind.” Over time, you’llbegintoseethat,likeKristen,youindeedhavethepowertochange your own reality byfocusingonyou,notonotherpeople.Itbeginsbyacceptingthat the only thing you have

control over is you and howyou react towhat’s going oninyourlife.Andthat’sfine.

PROCESSORIENTATIONVS. RESULTSORIENTATIONAnother helpful way to get

beyondtheillusionofcontrolis to focus on a processorientationwayofthinking—acceptingthatlifeisaprocessthat will change and bringunexpected situations, andfinding ways to deal withwhatyou’rehitwith—insteadofjustfocusingontheresultsyouwantinasituation,which

I refer to as a resultsorientation.Anxietysufferersthat I’ve treated areastonished when they realizehow much angst they’vecaused themselves byadheringtothelatter.Resultsorientationisamindsetbasedin the fantasy that you musthave control, and you

continually seek guaranteesthat everything in your lifewillwork out as youwant itto. So you always focus onthe results that you’reseeking.A resultsorientationtolivingmeansyou:

Worryagreatdealaboutthefuture

BelievethatsuccessistheonlywaytomeasurevalueorworthasapersonWanttoknowthatyou’llneverfailBeatyourselfupaboutthingsinthepastAreaperfectionist

aboutyourselfandothersHaveunrealisticexpectationsaboutthings(likefeelingthatyouonlysucceedat100%butfailat98%)Wanttoknowthatyouwon’thaveto

feelanypainBelievethatyouneedtopleaseeveryoneallthetimeStayattachedtotheirrationalbeliefthatyoucangetguaranteesforeverythinginlifeWanttoknowthat

allthepeopleyoulovewillalwaysbesafe

Aconsequenceofthisresultsorientation mindset is thatyou might become a peoplepleaser or codependent onyour family and on otherpeopleinyourlife—someone

who focuses on otherpeople’s needs to thedetrimentofyourselfinordertobeloved.And,inthearenaof your career, you maybecome an overachiever or acompulsive personality withvery poor impulse control.Results orientation will turnyou into a “human doing”

insteadofa“humanbeing.”American Buddhist and

author Pema Chodren said,“Everything is in process.Everything—every tree,every blade of grass, allanimals, insects, humanbeings,buildings,theanimateand inanimate—is alwayschangingmomenttomoment.

It means life is not alwaysgoingtogoourway.Itmeansthereislossaswellasgain.”Hence, when you cultivate

and maintain a processorientation,you’reengagedinlife but in quite a differentfashion than when youalways try to get the resultsyou want. You may be

pluggedintothesameidealsand goals, but with processorientation, you are morerational and patient, and youunderstand that nothing ispermanent and thateverythinginlifemaychangeall the time, which is anormalpartoflife.Process orientation means

that you learn to accept theuncertaintiesoflifeandgraspthe often-frightening realitythat there are no guaranteesforanything.Thatallowsyouto actually seek comfort inthe fact that everything isforever changing so you cangiveupsearchingforcomfortintheillusionofpermanence.

When you have a processorientationmindsetyou:

Don’ttrytoovermanageoutcomesLiveinthemomentanddon’tfocusonthinkingaboutthefuture

Don’tdwellinthepastortrytochangeorimproveitFocusonwhatyoucandotohavecontroloverthepresentUnderstandthattherearestepsrequiredtoachieve

goalsandthatit’suptoyoutotakethemDon’tusemanipulationtogoafterapprovalfromothersDeveloprealisticstandardsforwhatsuccessisforyouAcquirethetoolsto

discoverthegrayareasoflifeAccepttheuncertaintiesofyourlife

As a psychotherapist intraining many years ago, Iremember getting easilyattached to resultsorientation

by wanting to “fix” everypatientthatItreated.Itwasanoble cause of course, but Ifound out that thinking thisway caused me a lot ofanxiety because it wasunrealistic and impossible. Iwas very focused on theoutcome and I wanted tomake people happy quickly

without appreciating theprocess. I wanted to soothetheir pain instantly and curethemof theirmaladies.But Islowly learned, as alltherapistsdo,thattheprocessitselfisthemostvaluablepartofthetherapyandnotaquicksolution, because there is noquicksolution.

Without this insight, Iwould have become afrustrated clinician andburnedoutalongtimeago.Iwould not have survivedputting that kind of pressureon myself. So even as atherapist,it’simpossibletobea fixer, but it’s a little easierto be a facilitator. I learned

thatIwasnotresponsible formypatients(becauseIcannotfix them) but I wasresponsible to them. I wasresponsible to them byempowering each and everyperson that walked throughmydoortobuildsolidcopingskills and to make betterdecisions in their lives. To

use ametaphor, I finally gotcomfortable teaching mypatients how to fish withoutcatchingthefishforthem.Therefore, process

orientation also means thatyou are a facilitator in theprogress of your life, not afixer. When you act as acoordinator for theway your

lifeunfolds,youreffortsgotocreating the conditionsneeded for success andhappiness to blossom. Bydoing this, you put aside theseductive quality of theoutcome in favor ofgrounding yourself in thehere and now, which is theonly gray area that you have

some control over. And youdon’t react when things gowrongbyreachingforemptyfixes.A wonderful example is

Lance,apatientIusedtotreatfor severe panic attacks. Hewastangledinanastywebofresults orientation. On thefirst day of his treatment, he

said to me frantically, “If Icould just stop worryingabout money for one day, Iwould feel so much better.”Lance’s statement illustrateswhat can happen to someonewho is very obviouslyconcerned about making andsavingmoney.Hereachedthepoint where the results

orientation mindset that kepthim trapped in his moneybeliefs also tricked him intothinking that he could makehis anxiety go away and hislife would miraculouslyimproveifhecouldhaveonedayofpeace.Lance focused on getting

that one special day of not

havingtoworryaboutmoneyandsawitashisoasisandtheanswer to alleviating hisanxiety. Yet he could neverget that one worry-free day.His attachment to hisoutcomewassofixedthatheirrationally believed it couldbe eradicated as simply andquickly as getting that day.

He was so desperate to feelbetter that he reached for theonly thing he knew, whichwasthefantasyofaswiftandunrealistic fix. He had towork to let go of that beliefand learn how to use thetechniques in this chapter tofindamorerealisticgoal.

DWELLING INTHE PASTProcess orientation alsomeans that you’re notparticularly concerned withdwelling in the past andtryingtouncovertheoriginofaproblem.EventhoughJean-Paul Sartre said, “all

introspection isretrospection,”andlookinginon the past can indeed helpyou to understand yourselfand heal old wounds,sometimes this search cancause you a great deal ofdistress. Author Robert D.Zettle’s “flat tire” analogyhelps to illustrate this

wonderfully.Zettle asks: if you’re

driving in your car andsuddenly get a flat tire,what’s the first thing you’ddo after you pull over?Typicallymost of us will dowhatever we can to remedythe problem and get on ourway.Youmay pull out your

jack and begin changing thetireyourself,orperhapsmorerealistically, take out yourcell phone and call forroadside assistance. Youprobably would notimmediately go back alongthe street or highway youwerejustonto lookforwhatcaused your flat. You

wouldn’t spend anextravagant amount of timescouring your previous roadlooking for the nail or theshard of glass that poppedyour tire. Why? Because inthemoment,youwon’treallycare.You’d be more focused on

your day and where you’re

going.Evenafteryoutaketheflattiretoaservicestationtoget it fixed, you probablywon’tbetooconcernedaboutthe how and why the tirefailed andmore likelywouldjustbuyanewtire.Lettinggoof the illusion of control issometimes also about lettinggo of the “why” and the

“how”andnotdwellinginthepast for answers toeverything. In fact,sometimes the past has noanswers, and getting toocaught up in it can slowyoudown and make you feelmore anxious.Wanting thesekinds of answers goes alongwith a results orientation,

which, as discussed, canleaveyoufeelingpowerless.

TOOLS FORLETTING GOOF CONTROLIt can take time to let go ofyourneedtobelievethatyoucan control the people and

circumstances around you,but it’s worth the effort. Itbegins with raising yourconsciousness about yourpatterns. Sometimes “lettinggo” is the best way to holdon.Letting go of your need to

controleverythingcanbeoneof thescariesthabitsyoucan

break. You may worry thatyou’llbejudgedfornotbeingperfect or that you’ll alienatethe people you want to likeyou.Butmostfindthatlifeisjust fine once they make thechange because having lessanxietyfeelssogood.Evenifthe idea of letting go isuncomfortable, it’s important

foryoutoreleasethatneedtocontrol other people andcircumstances and insteadtakecontrolofyourselfifyouwant to reduce your anxiety.The more you recognize thebehavior discussed in thischapter, themore power youhave to control your futureresponses. To identify areas

that you try to have controlover,askyourself:

AmItryingtobeafixerinmylife?Ifyouthinkthatifyoutryhardenoughyou’llbeabletofixeverythinginyourlifethat’snot

perfect,yousetyourselfuptobedisappointed,frustratedandangry.Anxietycanincreaseasyoutryharderandhardertochangewhat’snotworking.Youneedtorecognizethatyou

can’tfixyourlifebycontrollingeverything,andthat’sokay.

AmIpreoccupiedwithoutcomesandexcessivelyworryingaboutthefuture?Sincethefutureisn’thereyet,

youcan’tknowwhatwillhappen.Worryingaboutitbythinkingofwhatyoucandoforanyworst-casescenariosyoucomeupwithjustenhancesanxiety.Whenyoucanretrainyour

mindtofocusonthepresent,youtakecontrolofabiganxietytrigger.

AmIexpectingthingstohappentooquickly?Patienceiscalledavirtueforagoodreason.Wanting

instantgratificationallthetimewon’tbringyouwhatyouwantanyfasterthanpatientlywaitingfortherighttimeorcircumstancesforit.Ifyoudon’tgetthingsrightawayyouranxietymay

escalatewiththethoughtscreatedbytheemotionsyougetwhenyouwantsomethingtohappenanditdoesn’tappearinthetimeframeinwhichyouwantit.

AmItryingtocontrolother

people’sfeelingsandactions?It’simportanttorecognizethispatternsoyoucanstopitbecausetheonlypersonyoucancontrolisyourself.Tryingtocontrolotherpeopleleadsto

frustrationwhentheydon’tdowhatyouwant,whichcreatesanxiety.Whenyoucontrolyourownresponsetopeople’sbehavior,youcanoftengetmoresatisfyingresults.

AmIafraidthatifIletgojustalittlebitIwillloseeverything?Fearcanmakeyouwanttokeepeverylittlethingundertightcontrol.Youneedtokeepallyourducksinarow,sotospeak,

inordertokeepaneyeoneverythingandmakesureitallgoesthewayyouthinkitshould.Butsincemostthingsaren’tinyourcontrol,notlettinggoatallwillwindyouuptightand

keepyouranxiousmindworkingovertime.

AmIseekingapprovalfromothersinordertofeelgoodaboutmyself?Ifyoucanonlyseeyourselfthroughtheeyesof

otherpeople,youwon’tfeelgoodaboutyourselfinside.Itwillkeepyoutense,readytojumptodofavorsandotherthingstokeeppeoplearoundyouhappyinordertogettheirapproval.

You’llalwaysbeatleastsomewhatonedge,worryingifyou’redoingenough.Peoplepleasersarerarelyhappy,exceptforthemomentswhentheygetthanksorsomekindnessfrom

someonetheypleased.Butit’susuallyfleeting.

REPLACEMENTTHOUGHTS—THE FIVE-MINUTE RULEAs I said, letting go of your

need to feel in control ofeverything can take timebecause it can feel scary andleave you feeling vulnerableat first. But once you do it,you’ll see that the rewardswill give you more realcontrol over yourself. Takefive minutes to responddifferently after you identify

a controlling thought orcontrollingbehavior.As theycome up, use the followingaffirmations:

Iwillallowlifetounfoldwithoutmetryingtocontrolit.Youcandothis!Whenyoustarttogo

withtheflowinsteadoftryingtoswimagainstthetide,you’llbeabletorelaxmoreandletlifehappeninsteadoftryingtomakeithappenthewayyouthinkitshould.

Iwillacceptthat

beingafacilitatorinsteadofafixerwillreducemyanxiety.Tryingtofixeverythingincreasesanxiety.Workingwiththerealityofyourlifeandcontrollingyourresponsestoit

allowsyoutomakethemostofwhatyouhaveorthecircumstancesaroundyou,whichcanleadtoincreasedhappiness.

Iwillacceptthatworryingaboutthefutureonlymakes

memoreanxious.Worryingaboutwhathasn’thappened—fearoftheunknown—increasesoverallanxietybecauseit’sprojectingintothefuture,andtherewillalwaysbeafutureto

worryabout.Andtheunknownyouworryaboutisoftenmuchworsethanwhatactuallyhappens.Whenyoufocusonnow,andknowyou’refine,you’llfeelalotmorerelaxed.Youcan

dealwithtomorrowwhenit’shere.

IwillacceptthattheonlythingIhavecontroloverismyself.Youcankeepfightingthatfactoracceptit.Tryingtocontrolsituationsorpeople

candriveyoucrazywhentheyrefusetoadheretowhatyouexpectorwhenthingsjustdon’tgoyourway.Focusingonyourselfactuallygivesyoualotofcontrolbecauserespondingto

situationsandpeopledifferentlycangetbetterresultsthandirectlytryingtocontrolthem.

Iwillacceptthat“lettinggo”doesnotmeangivinguporthatIwilllosethings.Lifewillgo

on.Peoplewillhavetheirownopinions.Butyoudon’thavetofeelthepressuretochangethem.Themainthingyoucanloseisalotoftheanxietyyou’vebeenfeeling.

Iwillfocuson

processorientationinsteadofresults.Learntoworkwithwhatyouhave!Practiceacceptinglifethewayitis,nothowitshouldbe,andrememberthattherearenoguaranteesabout

anything.Whenyourexpectationsbecomemorerealisticandyourpatienceincreases,youcanliveinalessanxiousmindset.

IwillacceptthatIdon’tneedapprovalfrom

otherstofeelgoodaboutmyself.Youreallydon’t.Startlookingforyourgoodqualities.Youhavethem.InChapter8,Ipresenttipsforbuildingyourself-esteem.Fornow,justaccept

thatyoucanlearntoapproveofyourselfsoyoudon’thavetobuyapprovalwithfavorsandpeoplepleasing.

Chapter 6

THE

ACCOUNTABLESELF

TakingResponsibilityfor

You

“Manisnothingotherthanhisownproject.Heexistsonlytotheextentthatherealizes

himself.”

—Jean-PaulSartre

According toexistentialist thinkerslike Jean-Paul Sartreand SørenKierkegaard, we’reborn into a cold andempty universe with

no meaning. Whenhumans fullycomprehend this voidand isolation, the“Self” is born. Thepractice of livingexistentially is aprocessofdefiningthe

essence of who youreally are andaccepting your uniqueplaceintheworld.

If you can strip yourself ofthe belief systems you weregiven,youcancultivateyourown personal sense of self.

Thenyoucanchoosetofreelydecide how youwant to liveand who you want to be,whichistheessenceoflivingexistentially. According toDr.IrvinYalom,“Eachofusmust decide how to live asfully, happily, ethically, andmeaningfully as possible.”When you let go of the

beliefs that don’t serve youwell,youcanbethenavigatorof your life instead of livingon autopilotwith yourworlddominated by beliefs fromothers.

LIFE AS APOKER GAME

Lifecanbecomelikeonebigpokergamewhenyouchooseto make it yours. There aremany different ways to playpoker, but generally youbegin to play when you’redealt a particular hand ofcards. The draw of thesecardsisrandomofcourse,soyou have no control over

what’s handed to you. Butultimately as the gameprogresses, you must chooseto do something with thecards after you look themover and consider what youhave.For example, you could be

born with a “good health”card or with a “chronic

illness” one. You could bebornintoalifeofprivilegeora life of poverty orsomewhere in between. Youcould be born into a familywithabusiveparentsorintoakindandlovingfamily.Whatyour sense of self does withtheselifecardsistotallyuptoyou.

There are other peopleplayinginthegametoo.Youmust consider countlesspossibilities andconsequencesbasedpartlyonyour life cards and also onyour in-game decisions inrelation to the other players.Without the other players,there is no game. But

remember, to succeed atpokerortotravelthroughliferelatively unscathed, youcan’t just rely on gettingluckylifecards.Youmaygetafewgoodhandsdealttoyouhereandthere,butitprobablywon’t last. There are noguarantees. The skill youacquire in playing your life

cards wisely is the key tosurvival.I didn’t always play my

cardsrightwhenIwasyoung.I tried to avoid my anxietycardatallcostsbymakinganefforttohideitandpretenditwasn’t there. I was soashamed of that card that Ididn’t even tell people I had

it. Finally, I decided thatinstead of running from it, Itookresponsibilityandplayedthe card by getting therapyforit.Later,Ievenplayedthecard to my advantage anddecided tousemyanxietyasaspringboardtoacareerasatherapist. If I had not usedthat card to become a

therapist, I still might befeeling sorry for myself forhaving been dealt such anundignified card. I tookresponsibility forme, despitea chronic illness card, andmade lemonade out oflemons.

ALLISON’S

STORYAllison was atwenty-eight-year-old single femalewho came totherapy seekinghelp for anxiety andinsomnia. For thelast five years sheworked in sales for

a pharmaceuticalcompany. Shedidn’t particularlyenjoy her work andknew it wasn’t hercalling. The feelingsshe had about herjob ranged fromboredom to beingtotally uninspired,

but she stayedbecause sheneeded to be ableto pay her bills.Allison admitted thatshe had alwayswanted to be adoctor but didn’tthink she was smartenough to make it

through medicalschool. Yearsbefore a friend hadtold her that shedidn’t have what ittakes to be adoctor. Thatstatement stuck inher mind andgreatly influenced

her decision to notpursue a medicalcareer.Allison also

admitted that, formost of her life, shelooked to people forguidance and wasoften dependent onothers for validation.

Unfortunately, theyweren’t supportiveof her desires andnever encouragedher to go further inher career choices.What they thoughtabout her stronglyinfluenced herdecisions,

especiallydiscouraging herfrom trying tobecome a doctor.She believed thatcertain things in lifewere just meant tobe and that this job,as much as shedisliked it, was as

far as she’d ever goin her career.Allison gritted herteeth and becamedetermined to stickit out so she couldsupport herself.In our second

session, Allison saidthat her mother,

whom she wasalways very closeto, had recently diedafter suffering astroke back inWisconsin, whereshe’d grown up.She didn’t make itthere in time to seeher before she

passed away.Although hermother was in acoma after herstroke, Allisondescribed feelingimmense guilt aboutfailing to returnquickly enough tosee her before she

died. She’d feltobligated to dealwith a crisis at work,which delayed herfrom going. Allisonalso felt very guiltythat she had chosento leave Wisconsinseven years earlierto start a life in Los

Angeles. Sheexperienced a greatsense of remorseabout her choice tomove and leave hermother and stronglybelieved that, as theonly child in thefamily, it was a veryselfish move.

Allison actuallyconvinced herselfthat if she hadstayed, maybe hermother would stillbe alive. She alsoshared that for thelast two years shewas in a verballyabusive relationship

with a man whomshe was afraid toleave. Herdependency on himmade her feeltrapped and surethat she couldn’tsurvive without him.Allison admitted thatshe was very timid

and submissivearound herboyfriend. Sheneglected herneeds and deferredto him most of thetime. Her eyesteared up as sheexpressed terribleshame about her

choice to stay withthis abusive manand how very weakshe was for letting itdrag out for so long.She knew sheshould leave but feltstuck.Allison eventually

recognized that she

was naivelyconvinced that hercurrent state ofmind and thesituations she wasin were foregoneconclusions and setin stone. Thisconvinced her that itwasn’t possible to

create her ownidentity and pursuebecoming a doctor.Her belief thatcertain things in herlife were or weren’tmeant to bereflected that shewasn’t takingresponsibility for the

quality of her life orfor the choices shemade that werenecessary for her tomature as a humanbeing. Her decisionto leave Wisconsinyears ago wasmade becausethere were no

decent-paying jobsin the small townshe was from. Shechose to leave inorder to betterherself.Her intentions

were good and shewas trying to beresponsible for

herself. But whenshe arrived in LosAngeles, she hadlet others steer hercourse. Allison alsorecognized that theanxiety she sufferedwas rooted in herinability to be anauthentic person in

her interpersonalrelationships withpeople, especiallywith her abusiveboyfriend. Sheallowed herself tobe victimized byhim, which kept heranxious mindworking overtime.

Another source ofher anxiety was herinability to acceptthe choices shemade seven yearsago when shedecided to move toLos Angeles and,most important, thechoices she was too

afraid to make forher career goingforward.Allison suffered

from what I label asan existential crisisbecause shecouldn’t reconciledecisions made inher immediate past

and wasimmobilized by herinability to takeeven a baby step tocreating a better lifefor her future. Shewas too frightenedto play the life cardsshe was dealt. As aresult, she became

a victim of herexternal world,which left herfeeling helpless tothink positively andtake action thatwould improve herlife. Allison was notbeing accountableto her true self

because of theinner dialogue shelived with that kepther mind anxious:

I am weak andI can’t change.My life isalready laidout for me andthere’s no

reason todream of doingmore.I am helplessinrelationships,especiallyintimate ones.I am selfish forthinking ofmyself.I am a bad

daughter forchoosing toleaveWisconsin.I am partly toblame for mymother’sdeath.

Allison’s crisisbegan to disappearwhen she

recognized that tobe happy she wouldhave to play someof her cards andrisk the possibility offailure and perhapspursue a medicalcareer despite whather friend hadirresponsibly told

her. About a yearlater, she enrolled inmedical school topursue her dream,and her lifechangeddramatically. Itchanged becausenow she washolding herself

accountable for herhappiness. If itfailed, she could atleast say that shetried and wouldhave no regrets.Allison was muchhappier with her life,and soon afterbeginning classes,

she broke up withthe abusiveboyfriend and gother own apartment.

DEVELOPINGANACCOUNTABLE

SELFIt’s important to recognizethe importance of beingaccountable for how youhandle thecardsyou’vebeendealt. When you have anaccountableself,youplaythecards the way you wantinstead of letting someone

else dictate what to do withthem.Foryears,Ideferredtoothers to make importantchoices for me—especiallymyfather—becauseIwastooafraid to hold myselfaccountable for theconsequences of thosechoices. I let people makedecisions for me that, at

times, were very unwisedecisions. I grew up in ahome where I was taught todoubt my uniqueness as anindividual and to doubt myplace amongst my peers.However, once I discoveredthatdeferringwascausingmemore anxiety, I stoppedrelying on others and took

moreresponsibility.Taking responsibility

empowered me to trustmyselfandtofeellikelessofavictim.Existentialelementsforceyouraccountableselftodevelop due to some of thefollowing qualities that offermanybeneficialresults:

Searchforpersonalmeaning:Thesearchforpersonalmeaningisneverending.Beingaccountablemeansyou’reconstantlyasking,experiencingandtransformingyourselfasyou

adapttolife’scircumstancesandrelatetoothers.Lifeisnotmeaningfulenoughonitsown—youmustgiveitmeaning!Inthisongoingsearch,youcanlearn,growandmatureasyoucreate

yourownreality.Youdon’thavetoadheretofixedbeliefsaboutyourself,othersandtheworldaroundyou.Youcanengageinprocessorientationandexerciseyourability

tomakechoicesinyourlifethatarebasedonavaluesystemthatyou,nototherpeople,cultivate.Beinghumanmeansdiscoveringandmakingsenseofyourexistenceona

regularbasis.Theenlightenmentthatsustainsyouasahealthypersonliesindevelopingself-awarenessandthesearchforanswersandchoicesthattrulyfeelrighttoyou,notjustto

someoneelse.It’suptoyoutofindarealpersonalmeaningbasedonyourneedsandwhatmakesyouhappy,notwhatotherpeopletrytotellyoutobelieveorthatyou“should”adhereto.

Self-awareness:Whenyouchoosetobecomeaccountable,you’llneedtodevelopyourself-awarenessandadesiretoexamineyourlife.Socratessaid,“Theunexaminedlifeis

notworthliving.”Thatsaid,tohaveaworthwhilelife,youshouldneverstopquestioningandchallengingallthepreviousmeaningsandbeliefsystemsyou’vebeenraisedwith.It’stimeto

starttoformulateyourown.Butfirstyoumustalsoknowyourselfandunderstandandacceptyourlimitationsasahuman.Youcanlearntoadaptandstrugglewithforces

beyondyourcomprehension.Andit’simportanttounderstandthatyoucannotandwillnoteverknoweverything,andthat’sokay.Youmayalsoexperience

loneliness,alienation,guilt,fearandanxiety.Totakeresponsibilitymeanstoacceptthatandactaccordingly.Thatmeansyouletgooftryingtocontrolotherthingsorotherpeopleandaccept

thatsometimesexperiencinguncomfortableemotionsispartofbeinghuman.Youcantrytounderstandyourselfinthebestwayyoucan,withcompassionandrespect.Descartes

proposedthechallenge,“Conqueryourselfratherthanyourworld.”Youcanbeyourownworstenemyoryourownbestfriend.Thelatterwillhelpreduceyouranxiety.

Personalresponsibility:Takingpersonalresponsibilityforthechoicesyoumakealsomotivatestheformationofyourauthenticsenseofselfbecauseyoustopblamingothers

andstopplayingvictimtocircumstances.Asyoudothis,yourinnerselflearnstodefineitselfbasedonitsownsenseofwhatitneeds.Itdoesn’trelyonotherstotellyou

whattodo.Soyou’llhopefullyreachtheplacewhereyou’recompelledtomakeauthenticandindependentchoicesbecausenoonewilldoitforyou.Ifyoudoletotherstakechargeofyour

directionandhowyourespondtolife’ssituations,youwon’tbelivingwithanexistentialperspectiveandmostimportant,you’renotlivingasyourtrueself.Sartresaid,“You

arefreetochoose;inotherwords,invent.Nogeneralcodeofethicscantellyouwhattodo.Therearenosignsinthisworld.”Andeveniftherearesignsinyourlife,thetruthisthatyouchoosehow

tointerpretthosesigns.Takingresponsibilityforthecircumstancesinyourlifeandholdingyourselfaccountableatalltimesmightfeelfrightening,especiallyatfirst.Butifyouthink

aboutit,it’sactuallymoreliberatingtoknowthatyouhavesomepoweroverwhatmaymakeyousuffer,especiallyyouranxiety.Withoutthepowertotakeresponsibility,you

feelpowerless.Takingresponsibilitygivesyouthepowertocontrolmoreofwhatyoudon’tlikeinyourlifesoyoucanimproveit.

Meaningful

relationships:We’resocialcreatureswholiketohaverelationshipswithotherpeople.Butidentifyingyourauthenticselfwithininterpersonalrelationshipsisnoteasytodo.While

youcan’tescapetheinterdependenceyou’llalwayshavewithotherhumanbeings,youcanforgeasolidsenseofselfwithinthatinterdependence.Ifyoudonotforgethatsenseofself,you

maybecomethesumofotherpeople’sexpectationsofyouoravictimofnegativebeliefsthatyourparentsorotherinfluencesingrainedinyou.Theymayevenexistonlyinyoursubconscious,

buttheystillguideyouractions.Youcouldeasilybecomeapeoplepleaserandalteryourpersonalityatanymomenttofititintowhatyourfamilyandsocietywantforyou.But

youcanalsopushforconnectednessandintimacywhilestillmaintainingthecoreissuesofyourtrueself.It’sachoicethatyouasanaccountablepersonmustmake.Howmuchwillyou

choosetoabsorbfromothersortodeflectandownyourself?Yoursenseofselfacknowledgesandrespectstheindividualisticspacesthatseparateusashumans.Italsounderstandswhere

the“I”endsand“you”begins.Meaningthe“I”isnotanextensionofsomeoneelse.Itisindependent.Thoseboundariescantaketimetoestablish,butyoucanhavethemwithlotsof

awarenessandadesiretobeaccountableforyourlife.AgoodexampleisBeth,athirty-nine-year-oldwifeandmotheroftwo,whocametomecomplainingofpanic

attacks.Shewasn’tsurewhyshehadthem,butshebelievedtheyhadtodowithhermarriage.Afterafewsessions,IrecognizedthatBethstruggledtoestablishasolidsenseofself

withherspousebecauseshewasafraidthatifsheassertedherindividuality,he’dleaveher.Bethlearnedatayoungagefromherdominatingandchauvinisticfather

thatallwomenmustbesubservienttotheirhusbands.Sheessentiallyhadzeropersonalboundariesanddidn’ttakeresponsibilityforherselfintherelationshipwithherhusband.

Consequently,shewasveryunhappyandadmittedthatthemaritaldiscordbetweenthemgotworseinthelastfewmonthswhenherhusbandbecamemanipulativewithherandalsoverbally

abusive.BecauseBethwasabitofapeoplepleaserwithnosenseofselfinthemarriage,shehadnoideahowtodealwithit.Thatleftherrattledwithanxiety,anditscaredherthat

hermarriagewasfallingapart.Inourworktogether,shefinallyunderstoodthatshehadnovoiceintherelationship—nowaytoexpressherthoughts,feelingsandwishestoasserther

individuality.Shewasn’ttakingresponsibilityforherplaceinthefamilyasawifeandmother.Withoutthispersonalaccountability,shewasjustanotheroneofherhusband’s

childrenorstilllikeherfather’schildinsteadofbeinghisadultdaughterwithherownindividualidentity.Oncesherealizedthis,shebegantomodifyherpositioninthemarriageand,over

time,herrelationshipwithherspousedrasticallychangedand,mostimportant,heranxietydecreased.

ACCEPTINGDEATH ASINEVITABLE

Eckhart Tolle said, “Whatwill be left of all the fearingand wanting associated withyour problematic lifesituation thateveryday takesupmostofyourattention?Adash,oneortwoincheslong,betweenthedateofbirthanddate of death on yourgravestone.”

I’m sure that you’re awarethat you’ll die one day, justlikeeveryone else. Formost,it’sascaryanddishearteningfact of life, one that peopletypically choose not to thinkabout very often.But if yourinnerselfisprepared toviewdeathasaconditionof livingthat inspires further

awareness and positivelyaugments the beauty of life,thendeathismerelyatool—avalue-enhancingstep in life’sjourney—notsomethingtobeafraid of or dreaded.Awareness of knowing therewill be an end to your lifegives your life meaning. Itthrusts you into giving the

time you have on this Earthsignificanceandpurpose.Knowing your end will

come one day helps you tobetter appreciate yourrelationships,yourcareerandall theothergood thingsyouhave in your life. Lastly,everything that you love andcherish, everything that you

value with tremendouspassion and gravity, isanchored only by thesobering awareness that youcanloseitallveryeasilyandquickly. Without this mortalfragility,thethingsyouvaluewould, in fact, not bevaluable and life would notbe worth living. That’s why

it’ssoimportanttovalueyourlifeenoughtoallowyourownchoicestodominateitsoyoucangiveit thebestchancetobehappy,withlessanxiety.

TOOLS FORBECOMING ANACCOUNTABLE

SELFIn order to becomeaccountable to yourself, youfirstneed tounderstandwhatthatmeansinrelationtowhoyou are now and identify allthe areas in your life whereyou’re not accountable—where your mindset is

someone else’s. That helpsyou see how your desirescompare to how you makeyour choices now. Ifnecessary, write down yourtrue preferences in list form.Thenthinkaboutwhatbeliefsor which people you needapproval from that currentlykeep you frommaking those

yourrealisticgoals.Being an accountable

person means you own yourdecisions and how peopletreatyou.Youalsoknowthatonly you can change whatyou don’t like. Pay attentiontothetimesyoufeelguiltyorblame others for what goeswrong or any other negative

emotions that come upregularly. Once you see theways that others control you,andwhatyourtrueselfwouldlike, you can take steps toclaim the power over yourlife. In order to do this, askyourself:

HaveIdecidedthat

Ican’teverchangeorrecreatemyself?Youcangetsousedtotheonewayyouthinkandtoautomaticallyfollowingthebeliefsyou’vehadforyearsthatyouconvinceyourselfit’stheonly

wayyoucanbe.Butit’snot!It’salwaysachoice.Itcanbehardtoletgoofthethoughtsandbehaviorsyouhaveonautopilot,butifyoulookatyourlistofhowyou’dlikeyourlifetobe,you

canmotivateyourselftoatleastconsidertestingthewatersofthinkingforyourself.

AmIjustanunconscious,walkingimpulse,lackingawarenessofmythoughts,

feelingsandactionsinlife?Habitscandothattoyou,especiallywhenthey’rereinforcedbyaneedforsecurity.That’swhyit’ssoimportanttopayattentiontoyourthoughtssothatyou

becomeconsciousofthem.Don’tgetangryatyourselfwhenyouidentifybeliefsthatdon’tserveyouwell.It’snotyourfault.Youdidn’tknowbetter.Nowyoudo,andnowyoucanchange

thedynamicsofhowyouthinkandlive.

AmIplayingthevictimofmylifecircumstancesandblamingothersformyproblemsinthepast?Whenyou’renotaccountable,it’seasytofallintoa

mindsetoffeelinglikeavictimsinceyoubelievethatotherpeoplearesteeringyou.Butyoumustacceptthatyoudon’thavetoletthemifyouwanttobeinmorecontrolofyourlifebytaking

responsibilityforit.Feelinglikeavictimisstressful.Makeanoteofeverytimeyoufeellikeoneorblameyourlifeonotherpeople.Youranxietycandecreaseonceyouletgooffeelinglikeavictim

becauseyou’llunderstandyourpowertochange.

AmInottakingresponsibilityforthechoicesI’vemadeandformylife’sproblemstoday?Askthisoutloudifnecessary.

Untilnow,youmayhaveassumedthatyouweren’tresponsible.Thiscanbeespeciallytrueifyouequatebeingresponsiblewithpleasingothersanddoingwhattheyexpectofyou.You

mayhaveconvincedyourselfthatthisiswhatyou’resupposedtodo,evenifitmakesyouanxious.Youcanshiftthisbeliefandbegintobetrulyaccountabletoyourauthenticself.That

caneventuallyhelpyouranxietysettledown.

AmItooafraidtobeauthenticandtruetomyselfinrelationships,includingmyintimateones?Oftenwhenyou

havesomeoneinyourlifewhoyoubelieveyouneed,orifyou’reinlovewithsomeone,youfeelpressuretopleasetheperson.Youmightstifleyouropinions,yourfeelingsaboutwhat

annoysyouoryourpreferredbehaviorsifyou’reconcerneditmightturnthepersonoff.Youmayhesitatetospeakyourmindorexpressyourneedsforfearoflosingtheperson.Soyoulivewitha

façadeofbeingonewaywhileyourtrueselfstaysdormant.Peopleinlovetoleratealotofunacceptablebehaviortokeeparelationshipgoing.Butnotbeingtruetoyourselfina

relationship,whetherit’swithafriend,familymemberorromanticpartner,cancausegreatamountsofstress.It’sbettertogetcomfortablewithwhoyoureallyareandacceptthat

peopleworthkeepingwillacceptyou.Thathelpstocalmanxiety.

AmItooafraidtoacceptthefactthatmylifeisfiniteandthatIwillinevitablydie?Deathisinevitable.

Itcanbeasadandsoberingthought,butitalsocanmotivateyoutoliveyourlifetoitsfullest.Worryingaboutdyingdoesn’thelpyoufeelgoodandincreasesyouranxiety.Whenyou

focusontakingchargeofyourlifesoyoucanenjoyyourtimeinsteadofdwellingonfutureoutcomes,stressgoesdownandhappinesscanrise.

REPLACEMENT

THOUGHTS—THE FIVE-MINUTE RULEWhen you decide to becomemore accountable by takingresponsibility for your life,you’ll become moreconscious of taking somebreathsbeforeyourespondto

whatever is going on. Thisway, you can catch yourselfresorting to old patterns ofblame, guilt and pleasingothers, and remind yourselfthat you want to make aconsciouschoicetotakemoreresponsibility forwhatever ishappening around you.Accountability can feel less

stressfulthanalwaystryingtolive up to other people’sexpectations and standards.Takefiveminutes to responddifferently after you identifya thought that’s not inalignment with beingaccountable to yourself. Getinto the habit of using thefollowingaffirmations:

IwillacceptthatIamforeverchangingandcreatingmyselfandthatIwillneverbeafixedorforegoneconclusion.Allowyourselftogetexcitedaboutbeingtruetoyourself,and

whatyouwanttobelieveordo.Thisallowsyoutohavenewexperiencesandbreakfreeofpatternsyou’vebeenstuckin.Havingnewpossibilitiesfeelssomuchbetterthanfeelingstuckinways

thatdon’tserveyouwell.

Iwillusemindfulnessandactiveawarenessskillstomakeconsciousmeaningoutoflife’sexperiences.Ihavecontrolovermy

thoughts,feelingsandactions.Consciousnessisapowerfultoolformakingchange.Keepremindingyourselftostayawareofwhatyouthink,feelanddosoyoucanidentify

patternsthatneedtobealtered.

IwilltakefullresponsibilityforallthecircumstancesinmylifebydoingwhatIcantomakethembettertoday.Thereisnooneto

blameanymore.Whenyoumakeaconsciousdecisiontotakeresponsibilityforyourlife,andaffirmitoften,youcanmakeyourlifebetter.Putyourenergyintoimprovingwhatyou

don’tlikeinsteadoflookingforsomeonetoblame.Acceptthatnoteverythingwillgoyourway,andthat’sokay.Takeblameoutofthepicture,anddon’ttransfertheblameontoyourself.

Peoplesometimesdothatwhentheyrealizetheyletpeopleorchestratetheirlives.Youdidn’tknowbetter.Justdoyourbestandallowyouranxietytoeaseinsteadoflookingforsomeone

toblame.Butalwaysrememberthatlifeisunpredictablemostofthetime.

IwillbemoreawareofthechoicesImaketodayandacceptthatIaloneamtheauthorofmy

destiny.Themoreyoupayattentiontoyourchoices,themoretheywillbeinyourconsciousness.Themorethey’reinyourconsciousness,themorelikelyyou’llbetostartevaluatingyour

choicesbasedonwhat’sbestforyou,nototherpeople.Thosechoicescanleadtoamoreauthenticselfandlessanxiety.

IwillrememberwhoIaminrelationtoothers

andbeanauthentic,separateindividual.IwilldifferentiatemyselffromothersandletthemexperiencetheuniquenessofwhoIam.Giveyourselfpermissiontobeyourown

personinsteadoftryingtodancetoeverybodyelse’stunes.Youcanfitinwithotherswhilebeingtruetoyou.Letwhoyoureallyare,orwhoyou’dliketobe,shinethroughforpeopleto

see.Enjoyit!Somepeoplemayneedtimetogetusedtoyournewpersona,buttheywillovertime.Itcanleadtoyoufindingthekindofhappinessyoudidn’tthinkwaspossibleforsomeone

likeyou.Andhappinesscankeepanxietydown.

Iwillusetherestofmytimeinthislifewiselyandacceptthattheprospectofdeathisaconceptthatactuallyhelpsmelivelifemore

fully.Makethemostofthelifeyouhave.Youhaveachoice—enjoyitornot.Youcaneitherworryyourselfintoastateofanxietythatmakesyousuffer,oryoucanbetruetoyourself.Yes,you

makethechoice.Whichsoundsbettertoyou?

Chapter 7

CREATING

YOUROWN

REALITY

PracticingtheInner

ManagementofYourself

“Yourhappinessultimatelyarisesnot

fromthecircumstancesofyourlife,butfromthe

conditioningofyourmind.”

—EckhartTolle

As you begin toheighten yourawareness about thepresence of any fixed,negative beliefs aboutyourself that you mayhave, you can now

turn to the actualpractice of managingyour inner self. Thesefixed, negative beliefsinclude those thatoriginate from therigid mindset I’vediscussed in previous

chapters: the perils ofclinging to consensusreality, the limitingvision of having adualistic mind, thedeceptive need forcontrolandthehazardsof not establishing

yourself asaccountable. As youpractice managingyour inner self, yourreality can change forthe better. As it does,you should also beable to manage your

anxiousmind inbetterways.

IDENTIFYINGANXIETY-PRODUCINGTHOUGHTSCreating your own reality

starts with the delicatepractice of identifying yourautomatic thoughts thatworkin conjunction with the fourmindsets mentionedpreviously.Once you’re ableto accurately identify andlabel these thoughts asnegativebeliefsthatyouhaveassumed or created for

yourself over the years, theycan begin to feel less true.Acknowledging that youdon’t need orwant them canacceleratetheprocess.Atthatpoint they’ll graduallyweaken in strength andpotency. As that happens,you’ll start to see them forwhat they really are—beliefs

that don’t serve your bestinterests and that createanxiety—instead of blindlyaccepting them as concreteandfactual.Akeytocreatingyourown

reality by managing yourinner self is learning how toreframethekindsofthoughtsI’ve discussed. It can take

some time and practice tocreateanewhabitabouthowyouperceive life’ssituations.But the more you practicedoing it, the more you’ll getused to it. And when youexperience the benefits ofdoingso,you’llbemotivatedto continue to practice thenew habits. The following

sections outline some of thecommon anxiety-creatingnegative thoughts. You maynothavetheseexactthoughts,buttheseexamplesshouldbeable to give you ideas forwhatyoursare.This chapter will help you

to identify the thoughts thatcan hurt you and then

illustrate how to reframe orreplace them in ways thatreduce anxiety. Write downanyofthethoughtsyouseeinthesesectionsthataresimilarto yours and any other onesthat come up as you readthrough them. Those are thebeliefs you can change tocreateyourownreality.

EXAMPLES OFTHOUGHTS THATCLING TO ACONSENSUSREALITY ANDCAUSE ANXIETY

Thereisonlyonewaytodothingsso

ImuststicktowhatI’vebeentaughttobelieve.Evenifmybeliefsdon’tfeelgoodandholdingfasttothemincreasesmyanxiety,Imustfollowthem.

Ishouldhavea

purposeinlife.Anditshouldbeonethat’sacceptabletomyfamily,evenifit’snotwhatI’dideallylike.That’swhatresponsiblepeopledo.IfIdon’thaveapurpose,thenpeoplewon’ttake

meseriously.

Ishouldbemoreproductive/creative/ambitious.Thisiswhataconscientiouspersondoes.IhavetoprovethatIcanstepupandgetthingsdone.BeingmediocremeansIamaloser.

Ishouldfollowinmyfather’sormother’sfootsteps.Iknowtheywantthatsoitwouldpleasethem,eveniftheirfootstepsdon’tfittheonesI’dliketotake.I’msuretheywouldn’t

approveofthecareerI’dlovetopursue,soIprobablywon’ttryit.Idon’twanttodisappointmyfamily.

Ishouldbemarriedwithchildren.Isn’tthatwhatgrown-upsdo?Ihaven’tmetthe

rightpartnerandfeelalotofpressuretofindhimorher.I’mnotevensurethatI’mreadytohavechildrenyetortoevenbemarried.ButIknowit’swhatI’msupposedtodo.

I’msupposedtobe

happy.SoIwillputonahappyface,eventhoughI’mnotfeelingit.Ifeelanxious,notcontent.ButIhideitwellandsmiletocovermypain.Idon’twantpeopletoworryaboutmeortothink

Iamadowner.

EXAMPLES OFTHOUGHTS THATLIMIT YOURTHINKING VIA THEDUALISTICMINDSET ANDCAUSE ANXIETY

IfIamnotmakingXamountofmoneyeveryyear,I’maloser.I’vebeenworkinghard,yetI’mnotmakingthekindofmoneythatmyfriendsandsiblingsare.Igetembarrassedwhen

theycomparesalariesorwhenIpassondoingsomethingbecauseIcan’taffordit.EventhoughIgethighpraiseatwork,IknowI’mnogoodbecausemyincomeislowerthanit

shouldbe.

IfIaskforhelpandgototherapy,itmeansIamaweakperson.Isn’ttherapyforcrazypeople?IfIgoitmeansIcan’thandlemyownproblemsandIshouldbeable

to.Itmeansthere’ssomethingwrongwithme.Ialreadyfeelwronganddon’tneedtofeelmoredamaged.

IfImakeawrongdecisionaboutanythingIdo,itmeansIamstupid.

Itdoesn’tmatterhowwellIdomostofthetime.Ishouldgetitrighteverytime.Stupidpeoplegetitwrong.Myfatherseemstoalwaysgetitright,oratleasthesayshedoes.IfIweresmart,

I’dalwaysknowthebestchoice.SoI’mbasicallystupid.

IfIdon’tgotothegymeveryday,Iamlazy.IcangainweighteasilyandknowImustexerciseeverydayorImaygetfat.

SometimesI’mexhaustedafterworkbuthatetheideaofseeminglazysoIdragmyselftothegym.EvenifIdon’tfeelwell,Iwon’tallowmyselftoskipit.SinceImeetupwithfriendsthere,

I’dbeashamedtoskipaday.Irefusetobelazy!

IfImakeanykindofmistakeorforgetsomething,Iamirresponsible.IwasbroughtuptobelieveIshoulddoeverythingto

perfection.MistakesmeanI’mflawed.MakingmistakesmeansIdidn’ttryhardenoughandwasnegligentaboutwhatIwasdoing.I’mashamedofnotgettingitrighteverytime.

GettingadivorcemeansIhavefailed.Ishouldhavetriedhardertokeepmymarriageintact.Ishouldhavefoundawaytomakemypartnerhappyortobehappierwithhimorher.Marriageis

supposedtobeforever.SomethingmustbewrongwithmeifIcouldn’tmakeitwork.I’mafailure.

EXAMPLES OFTHOUGHTS THATFALL VICTIM TO

THE ILLUSION OFNEEDINGCONTROL ANDCAUSE ANXIETY

Ihavearesponsibilitytofixotherpeople’sproblems.That’s

whatwe’resupposedtodo.HowcanIignoresomeonewhoneedsme?ItrytofixpeopleIdate,friendsandfamilymembers.Ievenpickuptheslackforpeopleatworkwithouttaking

credit.I’msupposedtoknowwhattodo.That’showmyparentswereandthat’showImustbe.Iendupneglectingmyself,butthat’sjustthewayithastobe.

Imustbesurethat

everyoneIloveissafeandhealthy.IneedtocheckoneveryoneregularlyandgetworriedifIcan’treachsomeone.I’moftenlateforeventsortomeetfriendsbecausesomeoneneedsme

orIneedtocheckuponsomeone.Butit’simportantthatImakesureeveryoneisokaybeforeItendtomyself.

ImustbesurethatthingsalwaysturnoutthewayIneedthemto.Idecidemy

outcomesbeforetheyhappenbecauseIknowhoweverything“should”be.It’simportanttomethatIplanwhatshouldhappenandstrivetomakeitso.EvenifIhavetoworkharderorgive

updoingsomethingIlookedforwardto,IwillseeeverythingthroughtotheendIchose.Iamaslaveofgettingtherightresults.

Imustbesureabouteverythingallthetimeand

leavenostoneunturned.Idon’tlikeuncertainty.Actually,itmakesmecrazy.IfI’mtraveling,IdoubleandtriplecheckandreconfirmmyflightsandhotelreservationssinceI

don’tlikesurprises.IdoeverythingIcantostayontopofwhat’sgoingoninmylife.

Ican’tdisappointanyoneever—otherwiseIwillbeabandoned.Ineedpeopletolikeme.

Thethoughtofbeingaloneisscary.That’swhyImakesuretopleaseeveryoneasmuchasIcan.IloanmoneytopeoplewhoIknowareirresponsibleandwon’trepayitbutdon’tknowhowto

stop.IhatethatIdon’tgetitback,buttheyneedtoknowI’mthereforthem.IstopwhatI’mdoingifsomeoneneedsme.Thenhopefullythey’llstickaround.WhenIfeelneededbyothers,Ifeelsafe.

IfIletgo,badthingswillhappenandIwillloseeverything.Ifeellikeatightlywoundyo-yo,bouncingbetweenmyobligationsandneedingtostayincontrolof

everything.It’sstressfulbutnecessarybecause,ifIrelax,thingsmaynotgoasIneedthemto.

EXAMPLES OFTHOUGHTS THATIGNORE THE

CONCEPT OFESTABLISHING ASENSE OFACCOUNTABILITYAND CAUSEANXIETY

Iamhopeless;Icanneverchange.I’ve

beenthiswayformywholelifeandcan’timaginethatIcouldthinkdifferently.I’vetriedtotellmyselfthatmanyofmythoughtsandchoicesneedtochange,butitneverworksforme.I

acceptthatI’mjustananxiouspersonandmustlivewiththat.

It’sunacceptableformetoeverhavenegativefeelings.WhenIfeelanegativethoughtcomingon,Ipushit

rightbackdown.Iguessthosefeelingsarestillinsideme,butItrytoignorethemandcertainlydon’tletothersseemefeelingbadaboutsomething.

Everyoneisalwaysagainstmeallthe

time.Ifeellikepeopledon’tlikemeforme.Myfamilyoftenletsmeknowwhat’swrongwithme.AtworkitfeelslikeeveryoneiscompetingwithmebecauseIworkharderandputin

longerhours.Igetlittlesupportbutlotsofcriticism.Ifeelunappreciatedallthetime.

NomatterwhatIdo,badthingsalwaysseemtohappentome.Itrysohardbutstill

sometimesmakemistakesorsaythewrongthing.Often,circumstancesthatIcountedonfallapart.IbelievethatIwasbornunderanunluckystarbecausethingsrarelyseemtogomyway.SoI

kindofexpectthingstogowrong,andtheydo.

IfIrevealmytrueselfandactauthenticallyinanyrelationship,peoplewilldiscoverwhoIreallyamandrejectme.Idon’t

likemeorthinkI’mgoodenoughformostthingsIwant.Ikeepmytruepersonality,opinionsanddesirestomyselfandtrytobethekindofpersonthatpeoplehavecometoexpectmetobe.

SometimesIfeellikeanactor,butthatpersonakeepspeoplearound.Maybesomepeoplewouldbeokaywiththerealme,butI’mtooscaredtoriskit.

What’sthepointofdoinganythingat

allifIknowit’sallgoingtoendsomedayanyway?Whybothertochangemyself?I’llbeinthegroundonedayanyway.ThisiswhatI’musedto.Thingsendforme.ThecompanyIliked

workingfordownsizedandIlostmyjob.Myrelationshipsalwaysend,evenwhenI’mhappywiththem.WhybotherfindingsomethingelseIlikethatI’lleventuallylose?

It took me a long time toidentify some of my ownnegative thoughts and howtheycreatedmyreality.WhenI got upset, I used tosubscribe to the fatalisticoutlook that “you work hardall your life and then youdie.”Thismisguided outlooktemporarily absolved me

fromtakingresponsibility forchanging the quality of mylife. It prevented me fromholding myself accountablefor it. It seemedeasier toputthe responsibility for theproblems in my life on toother people, or God, or theuniverse or whomever I wasangry at. It took me a long

time to dig deep andrecognize that I had to takeresponsibility for believingthat “youwork hard all yourlife and then you die.” Itallowed me to slowly acceptthat it didn’t have to be thatway.

HOW TO

REFRAMEYOURTHOUGHTSOnce you’ve identified yournegative thoughts, the nextstep is to replace them withmore balanced and realisticones. This doesn’tmean youshould adopt cheap, rose-

coloredaffirmationsthathaveno substance. Instead, createresponses thatchallengeyournegative thoughts and offeranalternativewayofthinking—onesthatarerootedinyourown personal value systemthatyouyourself create fromthe reality you’d like to livewith. Take one identified

negative thought that feelsmajortoyoufromeachofthefour concepts—clinging toconsensus reality, thinkingwithadualisticmind,havinga need for control and notestablishing accountability—andbreakthemdowntomorebalancedwaystoviewthem.I had to learn how to

reframe the beliefs ingrainedinmewhenIwasachild.Myfather’s message as my rolemodelwas that a responsibleadult must worry about allthingsandmuststayvigilant.If you let your guard downeven for a day, all hell willbreakloose.BecauseItrustedhim,Idevelopedabeliefthat

tobesafeintheworld,Ialsohadtoworryall thetimeandbe in control of everything,evenifIhadnothingtoworryabout. Sometimes, when Iwas not worrying aboutanything, I evenworried thatI was not worrying as myfather told me to do, and itmademefeelguilty.

My reframe came after Irealized how much thistightlywoundgriponmylifewas scaringme evenmore. Ilearned that letting go, littlebylittle,ofthetenuousgraspI had on my life wouldn’tnecessarily prove disastrous.It also helped me tounderstand that this was a

fear-basedvalueprogrammedin me by my father manyyears ago. This was not myvalue system. It was notmyfear.Itwashis.ThetruthwasI had only to focus on thethings that Idid have controlover and most important, toestablish what being aresponsibleadultmeanttome

and my own personal valuesystem. Once I did that,worrying did not even makethelist.In the following section,

I’vebrokendownsomeofthecommon beliefs from theprevioussection toshowyouhow you can reframe thosethoughts into more realistic

ones that are less likely toproduceanxiety.Lookforthekeywords that make thebeliefsunrealisticandreplacethem with words that feelmorecomfortable.

“I should be moreproductive/creative/ambitious.”This is an exceptionally

irrational statement thatreflects a consensus realitybelief,butmanyofusstillsayit to ourselves on a regularbasis. As discussed inChapter 3, the keyword thatcauses the strongest negativereaction in this unbalancedstatement is should. If youmake a statement like this,

you indicate a belief thatthere’s some written lawfloating around in the etherthat dictates how productive,creative and ambitious youshould be, which of coursethereisn’t.Think about all the

“shoulds”youadhereto.You“should”accordingtowhom?

Your parents? Society?Yourreligion? Who’s driving thebus here? You are. This“should” thinking is aconsensus reality type ofbelief. Once you’veacknowledged having athoughtbasedonaconsensusreality belief, you canrestructurethestatementtofit

into your own definition ofwhat productivity, creativityand being ambitious actuallymeans to you.With practice,youcan learn to reframeanyconsensus reality statementsyou identify by using wordsthat stabilize the extremeirrationality of the “should”basing themon thoughts that

are more aligned with yourpersonalideasandvalues.Anexample of a reflective butnot reactive reframe for “Ishould be moreproductive/creative/ambitious”mightsoundsomethinglike:

Iwouldprefertobemoreproductive/creative/ambitiousinmylife.ButfirstIhave

to figure what “moreproductive/creative/ambitious”actuallymeans forme. Iwill contemplate how I,myself, canmeasure thatgoalandseewhatstepsIcan take to graduallyreachit.

Thisisclearlymorebalancedbecause it allows you to be

the author of what “beingproductive” means to you,with clear boundaries andlimits. This also dismantlesthe abstract authority of the“should” by turning theresponsibility on to yourself.Youdefinewhatyou’regoingafter to suit your needs andabilities. And “I would

prefer” is much moreempowering than “I should.”And it’s also much lessstressful!

“If I make a wrongdecision aboutanything I do, itmeans I amstupid.”

This is a classic dualisticmind statement that will bevery debilitating if you don’tchallengeitimmediatelywitha reflective attitude. It leavesyou wondering about whatthe “right” decision is, andinfers that not choosing the“right” decision is somehowimmoral, which is far from

true. We make decisionsbased on the information wehaveatthetime.Hencethereisnorightorwrong.The keywords that can stir

up the strongest reaction areanything I do. The wordanything is one of thoseabsolutewordsIdiscussed inChapter 3, which doesn’t

have a place in the naturalschemeoflife.Asyouknow,life is fullofvaryingdegreesof circumstances and has asubtlebalance,sonoonecanever be correct aboutanything all the time. Inaddition,thewordstupidalsogoes along with a dualisticmindset because it unfairly

labels you according to thefalsestandardimposedbytheconcept of black-or-whiteextremes—believing you canonlybeeithersmartorstupid.Reframe the statement to

balance the all-or-nothingthoughtswith words that aremore aligned with yourpersonalideasandvalues:

Lifeisactuallyfilledwithsubtle balance andvarying degrees. Therewill be times whendecisions I make won’twork out for me but itdoesn’t change who Iam. In the future, I hopeto make decisions in mylife that are compatible

withwhat Ibelieve tobeappropriate for me andmy best interests andknow that I’m doing mybest.

Thisreframeis lessrigidandmorekindandcompassionatethan the dictatorship ofneeding to be right aboutevery decision you make. It

forces you to reevaluate theblack-and-white nature ofyour thinking,empowersyouto take action against yourtendency to go to extremesand reminds you about theimportance of payingattentiontotheabundantgrayareas that make up most ofourlives.

“If I let go ofcontrol, bad thingswill happen and Iwill loseeverything.”This statement is a clearexampleofadistortedwayofthinking that producesanxiety. Yet it’s a negativebelief that many people

adhere to in hopes of feelingmoresecure.AsmentionedinChapter 5, this type ofnegative thought means youassume that grabbing on tolife with a relentless grip istheonlywaytolivesafely.Inreality,youcanonlyhavejusta little control over mostthings in your life, and in

order to gain some realcontrol,youmustactually letgoofsomeofitfirst.I will lose everything is

another example of anunmeasured, unfounded,catastrophic absolute that’svery unrealistic. If you thinkabout it, losing “everything”is simply too wide a

generalization to have aspecific meaning. It has notrue validity whatsoever andis an illusion of control.Restructure the statement toreflectamorerationalattitudethatwillbemoreinlinewithwhat you do, in fact, havecontrol over and acceptwhatyouhavenocontrolover:

Tryingtoachievecontrolof everything is anillusion. I will insteadassess the things I dohave control over in mylifeand focuson them. Iaccept that letting go ofcontrol in certainimportant areas of mylife will be scary. But in

the long run, it willreducemyanxiety,whichisgood.

“No matter what Ido, bad thingsalways seem tohappen to me.”This statement is anotherexample of unfounded

thinking that’s goneoverboard. It’s a disablingnegative thought that rendersyou helpless by placing theresponsibility for yourhappiness outside of yourreach. It victimizes you intobelieving that your ability tochange your situation ishopeless and you’ll always

have to live with negatives.As mentioned earlier, if youblame others and thecircumstances for your lackof happiness or success, youwill consistently feelvulnerable and sometimesevenincapacitated.Thewordsinthisparticular

negative thought that cause

the most damage to you areno matter what I do andalways.Nomatter what I dois a blanket phrase thatovergeneralizes specificthings in life that trulydidn’tgo well for you. To projectthatbadthingswilldefinitelycontinue to happen for therest of your life based on

some past incidents isirrational. This self-imposedimpotence—thebeliefinyourinability to keep things fromgoing wrong in the future—will cause you to experiencegreat mental angst. In thisstate of mind, you’reconvinced that you’re unableto exercise your free will to

chooseyourdestiny.By reinforcing this belief,

you surrender to feelingdoomed about your life andassume that any efforts youmake won’t pan out. You’llblame everyone andeverythingoutsideofyouforneverbeingable to turnyourlife around and have good

thingshappen.Reflect a more rational

approach that begins to takebacksomeofyourpower:

Bad thingshappeneveryday. When I blame theworldformyproblems,Ibecome disempowered.Since I am the author ofmydestiny,Iwillinstead

empower myself bycreating a future ofpersonal accountabilitywhere I hold myselfresponsible for myhappiness. Indoing so, Ican create morehappiness and enjoyhavinglessanxiety.

This reframe encourages you

to take action and choosepersonal accountability overbeing a victim. It alsoacknowledges that life isindeed difficult and thatunfortunatethingscanhappenany time. But in thatacceptanceistheoptiontodosomethingaboutit,whichcanloweranxiety.Thatgivesyou

more control than any ofthesebeliefscanprovide.Learning to reframe your

thoughts as I did in thischaptercantaketime,butit’sworth the effort. It willprobably feel uncomfortableor even scary at first, so goslowly.Don’t get angrywithyourself if you have trouble

with some thoughts thatyou’ve had for a long time.You don’t want to add toyour anxiety as you try totemperit.Justkeeptrying.

Chapter 8

SOLIDIFYING

YOURSENSE OFSELF TO

BUILDA HEALTHY

SELF-ESTEEM

“Yourvisionwillbecomeclearonlywhenyoulookinto

yourheart.Thosewholookoutsidedream,thosewholookinside

awaken.”

—CarlJung

Nowisagoodtimetoawaken your stripped-down sense of selfthat’sbeginningtofreeitself from fallingvictimtotheautomaticthought patterns that

can exacerbateanxiety. Ultimately,youcanneverfullyridyourself of the fixedbeliefs that you mayhavebeen raisedwith.But you can learn tocreate enough space

between yourunconscious thoughtsand the ones theyproduce so you cankeep the fixed beliefsoutside of your ownperception of yourselfand the world around

you.

FINDING YOURREAL SELFThe first phase of getting intouchwithyourrealselfistostep outside of your publicpersonaandthinkaboutwhataspects about yourself that

youlike.This can be hard to do if

you’re used to identifyingwith old beliefs. Doing thisexercisewillnotbeeasy,butit’s necessary. Neale DonaldWalsch says, “Your lifebegins at the end of yourcomfort zone.” You’llprobably feel quite

uncomfortable in thebeginning.But it comeswiththerewardofhelping toeaseyouranxiety.WhenIgivethisassignment

to my patients, many reportthat it brings up uneasyfeelings because focusingdirectly and deliberately onthemselves feels overly

indulgent. Feelings of shameoftencomeupfromthemanyyears of deflecting personalattention. In many culturesit’s the norm to put oneselfsecond to theneedsofothersand to think that you’re partof a whole instead of aseparateperson.Try to be as specific as

possible about what yourecognize about yourself thatfeelsgood.Describewhyyoufindeachqualitylikeable.Forexample, do you like thatyou’re structured and almostmethodical in your thinking,even thoughothersmake funof it? Or maybe you’re theone who is too critical of it

despite the fact that it stillbrings you results. Do youlike a particular hobby orpersonal interest that givesyou joyand liftsyourspirits,even though othersdisapprove of it at times?Perhaps you join in thatdisapproval because othersdo?Doyoulikeandpossibly

dare to admire a personalitycharacteristic about yourself,such as having a good senseof humor or that you can bedarkandmysterious?Do you like a specific

physical aspect of yourself—for instance, your thick headof hair, or your curves, oryour trim physique or the

color of your eyes—butyou’re too ashamed toappreciate anything like thisbecause you don’t want toseem vain or pretentious?That belief can prevent youfrom owning the wonderfulqualities you have, and youdohavethem.We’reoftensoworried about what people

willthinkifwe’renotmodestor even self-deprecating thatit can be easier to forgetabout our assets. Feelingpride in yourself is not thesame as being vain orconceited. Yet you mighthave been brought up tobelieve that. This consensusbelief can keep your self-

esteemlowifyou’rescaredtorecognize the beauty andabilitiesthatyoupossess.Inthespiritofventuringout

of that comfort zone ofneeding to be overly modestand show great humility, trytheexercisethatfollowsoncea day. You can do itregardless of whether your

hesitation to recognize yourgood qualities was imposedon you or whether youimposed it on yourself toavoid the risk of alienatinganyone by being judged asvain or as a braggart. Makesure your answers reflectwhat you think, not whatothers have said about you.

Keep a notepad handy orcreate a document on yourcomputerthatnooneelsecansee,andleaveyourselfanoteorotherreminderso thatyouremember to do the exercisedaily.

EXERCISE

WRITE DOWN THREETHINGS YOU LIKE

ABOUT YOU

Everymorningwritedownthreethingsyoulikeaboutyourselfandwhy.

Forexample:Ilikemywickedsenseofhumor.

Becauseithelpsmetolaughatmyselfandnottakelifesoseriously,ithelpsmefindtheabsurdityineventhedarkestofthingsanditcheersupotherpeople.

Ilike

Because

Ilike

Because

Ilike

Because

The next exercise will beginthe process of solidifying

your sense of self byidentifying three of yourstrengths. As with the lastexercise, they can’t bestrengths that someone hascomplimented you on orpointedouttoyou.Theymustbe three strengths—thingsyou do well—that yourecognize and believe are

actuallytrue.Thiscanalsobehard to do because it maypush buttons that are relatedtoyouroldhabits,stirringupfeelingsofshameandgeneraldiscomfort as you think ofthings, which is natural.Remember, you’re not usedtosinglingoutyourselfinthisway and you probably

haven’t evaluated yourself intermsof thepositive featuresyouhave.Doingan inventoryofyour

personalassetsorstrengthsinwhatever capacity you havethem is key to building agood sense of self-worth,which eventually leads to amore healthy sense of

entitlement. If you can beginto acknowledge yourself inthelightofabilityandhumanvalue, you’ll start to knowand respect yourself better.Younevermayhave thoughtabout your strengths becauseyou were too focused ondoing things the way they’re“supposed to be” done or

being down on yourself foryour weaknesses. When yougo through life on autopilotthat’s been programmed byothers,youmaytakeyourselfand your assets for granted.Nowit’stimetoacknowledgethem.As in the first exercise, try

to be specific about exactly

whatitisthatyou’regoodat.Forexample,youmaygiveitsome thought andbegrudgingly acknowledgethatincrisissituationsyou’reefficient and think fast onyourfeet—mostofthetimeastrength like this is notrecognized as one becauseyou may brush it off as

somehow not counting andtakeitforgranted.Ormaybeyou’re very responsible andreliable in your relationshipsorinyourcareer.Oryoumaybe acutely sensitive andcompassionate about otherpeople’s feelings, or perhapsyou’re a good listener. Youmay be a good writer but

have been too self-consciousto use your skills or to showwhat you’ve written toanyone, so you don’tacknowledgethisgift.Do you have a way with

words when you speak, orpossess creative abilities thatyouneverletsurface,orhaveanother skill that you keep

dormant because you’re toobusy comparing yourself toother people? Remindyourself of MichelleCharbonneau’swords,“Whenwe compare, we despair.”Since you’re a uniqueindividual, there can’t be acomparison between you andother people. There’s room

for all good abilities. Thereare many good writers andmusicians and accountantsand people doing the thingsyou know you’re good at,evenifyousquelchyoururgeto use these abilities or letyourselffeelprideaboutwhatyou can do. So dig deep tofindyourstrengths.

Try to think of somethingyoudidinthelastweekorthepastyear thatdemonstratedacapacityorskillinsomething.Or thinkof a timewhenyouhelped someone with a task.Itcanbeanything;nothingistoo small. Actually, thesmaller the accomplishmentthe better. It’s unrealistic to

expect to do great things allthe time.You’re likely to bedisappointed if thatwasyourgoal. But how wonderful itwould be if you could dosome little things really wellat least some of the time.Small things, like helpingyourchildwithhomeworkorsupporting a friend or

coworker after a stressfulexperience, are easier toachieve,buttheyalsoaddup.Each one canmake you feelbetteraboutyourself.Trythisexerciseonceaday.Seewhathappens.

EXERCISE

WRITE DOWN THREESTRENGTHS

Writedownthreeskills,abilitiesortalentsyoupossessandtheirpositiveattributes.

Forexample:

Iamverygoodatlisteningattentivelytoothersand

conveyingcompassion.

BecauseIcanseethatwhenIdolistentoothersandconveykindness,theytrustthatIwillnotjudgethem.ItalsomakesmefeelgoodthatIcanbethereforsomeoneelse,anditremindsmeofhowI,myself,wouldliketobetreatedaswell.

Iamverygoodat

Because

Iamverygoodat

Because

Iamverygoodat

Because

THE POWEROFAUTONOMYBeing able to identify andgradually approve of yourseparateness from the rest of

theworldisanimportantkeyto solidifying your sense ofself. You’ll embrace thatyou’readistincthumanbeing—an individual among otherindividuals instead of tryingto be what others think youshould be—without thedualistic mindset of seeingwho you are as good or bad

and right or wrong. As youpractice recognizing yourindividuality by doing thepreceding exercises toidentify your personal likesandstrengthsonadailybasis,without judging what youfind, you’ll begin to seechanges in your view of thetrue individual you’re

becoming, andyoumay startto see your symptoms ofanxiety subside. Be patientand keep building your self-appreciation,and thebenefitswilleventuallycome.It’simportanttounderstand

that the term separatenessdoesnotmeanindifferenceorisolation from others. The

power of separateness lies inthe autonomy you developthat also forms solidconnections. But it’simportant to value thetreasured spaces that existbetween you and the peopleyou’recloseto.Thatspaceorboundary that distinguishesyou from everyone else is

what the existentialists refertoasoneofyourbasichumandrives—“tostriveforidentityin relationship to others.” Ifyou don’t strive for thisautonomous identity, you’relikely to allow that space tobe compromised, and you’llbegintoloseyourselfagain.When I first began to

establish my personalboundaries with others,including intimaterelationships, I was initiallyhesitant and feared rejection.Formost ofmy life, Iwas apassive communicator,especially with my family.Hence, I was anxious all thetime because I had no sense

of self to rely on. However,once I began practicingasserting my autonomy andsetting personal boundaries,my anxiety decreased andthings started to change. Inoticed that people respectedmemoreanddidn’trejectme.Most important, I began toappreciate my value as a

separateperson,andmyself-esteemgrew.Thepower yougain from maintaining anidentity that’s separate fromothers lies in your ability tostay intellectuallydifferentiatedfromtheirideasbyadoptingonlythosethatfitinto your own way ofthinking.It’salsoreflectedin

your ability to stand aloneamidstanychaosthatmaybearoundyou.When thingsgeta little heated and there’sconflictthatputsthatspaceinjeopardy, you learn how tohold that centeredness andstick to your guns withouthaving to fire them. Patienceisrequiredhere,asthispower

or the choices you make tocarve out your space inrelation to the people youcareaboutmaynotbesimpleand can require a great dealofcourage.It can feel like a daunting

tasktoalterhowyourelatetopeople as you begin definingpersonal boundaries,

especially with familymembers.Itcanalsobringupold fears of gettingdisapproval from them orbeing abandoned. Forexample,ifinthepast,familymembers have become upsetwith your attempts to assertyourself as an individual byhavingopinionstheydisagree

with and developing a voicethat’s different from thefamily’s, your reflex toremain passivemight pop uptoavoidconflict.Toassist inharnessing this power ofbeing your own person, youmust figure out how tocommunicatethistoothersinrespectfulandkindways.The

boundary—the line ofdistinction that you mustdraw between what you willand won’t accept—that youuse with people may appeartomanyasbeinguncaringorcold.That’swhy it’sgood todoyourbesttointroducethisnew attitude gently, in anonthreateningway.

One of the best ways tocommunicate your choice tobe an individual who thinksforhimselforherselfistousean assertive style ofcommunication that’s boldlyfirm but civilized, friendlyand courteous. Assertivecommunication is a criticalskill in the foundation of

drawing a clear line in thesand that says that you arerichly diverse andwonderfully complex. Next,I’ll share one story about apersonwholearnedtodothis,and discuss in more detailassertive communication andhow it differs from the othertwo main types of

communication: aggressivecommunication and passivecommunication.

TINA’SSTORYTina was anexecutive assistantfor a largecorporation. She

came to me fortreatment of herworkplace anxiety.Over time wediscovered thatmuch of her stresscame from herinability to assertherself. Shebelieved that if she

stayed passive in allher interactions withcoworkers, she’d besafer and not loseher job. Because ofthis, she reportedthat there were afew coworkers whooften tookadvantage of her

and sometimescoerced her intodoing more workthan she was paidto do. She knew thiswas unfair but wasreluctant to doanything about it.Tina said that

everyone seemed

to like her andpeople always toldher she was the“nicest personever.” But shelearned over theyears that whilethere were benefitsfrom being passiveand never saying

no, she feltunfulfilled and oftendidn’t get what shewanted. Tinaaspired to being alot more than anexecutive assistantbut didn’t know howto assert her goals.Tina’s self-esteem

was at an all-timelow when she cameto see me. She feltstuck and didn’tthink she had muchvalue. I placed heron a steady diet oftaking dailypersonal inventoriesof what she liked

about herself andher strengths. I alsoencouraged her topractice honestlyexpressing herthoughts anddesires more withothers instead ofdefaulting to beingpassive, including

saying no instead ofalways beingacquiescent.Eventually, Tina

started to respondwell to her personalexercises, and herself-worth began toseem more real toher. The exercises

helped her tobelieve in herselfbased on her ownlikes and thestrengths that sheidentified. The factthat she alone cameup with her ownpersonal asset listwas a game

changer for her.After severalmonths of workingthe exercises andpracticing letting goof passivity, shereported a decreasein her anxiety andbegan looking fornew job

opportunities thatwere more in linewith her careergoals. Tinatransformed into awoman with amission and thistime, she hadherself to rely on.Tina was finally

aligned with the realTina instead of theTina peopleexpected her to be.

COMMUNICATIONSTYLES INACTION

Your styleof communicationinfluencestheresponseyou’llget.Beawareofwhatyouuseandconsideradoptingamoreeffective one.Here are somecommonstyles.

AggressiveCommunicationWhen you speak with an

aggressive style ofcommunication,youmayfeellike you’re standing up foryourself, your feelings andyourbeliefs,anddrawingthatimportant boundary line ofindividuality. But this maynot be a style that deliversyour message in a courteousand respectful manner. If

your message is perceivedwith negative overtones orthe delivery puts people off,thenthepointortheboundaryyou’re trying to get acrossmay not be understood orevenheard.Aggressive communication

isn’t usually well receivedand tends to create a

defensiveattitudeintheotherperson, which affects howyourmessageisheard.Itmaymake the person want to getback at you or tune you outand not hear aword you saywith objectivity. Aggressivecommunicationtendstomakepeople feel directly violated,in a sense, because it’s an

intimidating style that oftensteamrolls them by using aloud voice, screaming,demands, manipulation,humiliation, blaming orcontrol. Scare tactics such ashostile body postures andeven facial expressions canalso contribute to thisaggressive type of

communication that’s notconducive to establishingboundariesinahealthyway.Because of how it may be

received, aggressivecommunication is not aneffectivewaytogetwhatyouwant. You might alienatepeople instead. Remember,without healthy interpersonal

boundaries that identify yourindividuality and help youdeepen your relationships,youwon’thavea solid senseof self. Aggressivecommunicationdoesn’tfosterprofound and trustingrelationships. Instead, itcreateshostileandconflictingdynamics that leave others

feeling scared andmanipulated. It also placestheburdenof theproblemonothers and doesn’t let youtake responsibility for yourlife. Using aggressivetechniques is not a healthywaytoshowrespect.

PassiveCommunication

In contrast to an aggressivestyle, passive communicationwithholds thoughts, feelingsand beliefs that may seemlikeyou’replayingitcoolandtrying not to rock the boat.But it doesn’t foster healthyinterpersonal relationshipsany better than aggressivestyles do. When you

communicate passively, youtend to relate to othersdishonestly or apologeticallybecause you don’t expresswhat you really feel in aneffort to avoid getting anegativeresponse.Inasense,you violate your own rightsbynotbeingtruetowhatyouthink and feel. In addition,

younotonlydepriveyourselfof the right to yourindividuality within arelationship but you alsodeprive others of knowingwhat you really think. Thispassive stance leavesrelationships lacking in trust,honesty and authenticitybecause others don’t know

whatyoutrulyfeel.Using this style, your

chance of getting what youwant is even smaller thanwhenyourelateaggressively.Passive communication doesnot contribute to creating asolid sense of self becauseyou’retooafraidtodrawanyvisiblelinethatseparatesyou

from others. This low-keystyleofcommunicationisnotnecessarily caused byshyness. It comesmore frombeing scared of lookingdifferentinpeople’seyesandanaversiontofeelingunique,which is the cornerstone ofidentifying yourself andreducing anxiety in the long

run.Itkeepsyoustucklivinginthereflectionofhowotherswantyoutobe.When you’re passive in a

relationship and don’t definewhoyouarewithinit,you’renot living authentically andwon’t be able to create yourown reality. Passivecommunication forces you to

live in the reality that otherpeople dictate. Deep downinside,youmaywantnopartof it, but you go along withthat reality rather thanexpress how you really feel.It also tends to place theburden of a problem orconflict entirely on you ifyour lack of clear

communication naively letsothersoffthehook.

AssertiveCommunicationAssertivecommunicationisamore suitableway toexpressyourself in an honest,authentic and nonviolatingmanner. Like aggressive and

passive communication, itdoesn’t guarantee that you’llget what you want, but it’sthe best shot you have.Assertive communication ismore about verbalizing howyou truly think and feel,openly and honestly. It’s thefoundation of acknowledgingthat “I amme” and “you are

you.” It expresses that “Wearenotone;wearenotalike.”Each person has his or heruniqueness, and you’rechoosingtohonoryours.Andit’sokaytobedifferent.Assertive communication

helps raise your self-esteembyestablishingyour senseofself in any situation. It’s the

appropriate way to draw aboundary line that doesn’tinvolvewithholding thoughtsand feelings or expressingthem inappropriately. Thisdirect communication is notaboutpower,manipulationorcontrol,norisitaboutraisingthe volume of your voice orusing intimidating body

language.It is thoughtfulandconsiderate and adheres to aprocessorientation insteadofaresultsorientation.It’smoreabout how you are withothers rather than trying togetwhatyouwantfromthem.Assertivecommunication is

based on “I” statements thatareusedasawaytotakefull

responsibility for yourfeelings, thoughts andactions.The“I”statementisaneutral stance that does notblame or point fingers atothers. “I” statements arespecific. They don’t useabsolute language, such asalways, never, should orforever since these assume

impractical expectations ofothers and indicate anunrealisticviewoftheworld,which usually isn’t true.Absolutes have no place inhealthy human interactions,especially during conflicts,since they typicallymake theother person angry orresentful.

For example, if you’rearguingwithyourpartnerandfeel like you’re not beingheard, you may say indesperation, “You neverlisten to me. You alwaysdisrespect me.” There’s avery good chance that yourpartner will become irritatedby those words—never and

always—because in alllikelihoodtheydotrytolistenwhen they can. And, moreimportant, it’shurtful tohearthat you feel that way. Theargument could then easilyescalate.Thiswon’testablishhealthy autonomy betweenyou. The statement also usesyou,placingtheresponsibility

for how you feel onto yourpartner. A more appropriateway to express not feelingheard that better establishesthe autonomy you seek issomething like, “I feel hurtbecause it feels like youhaven’t really been listeningto what I’m saying. I’dappreciate your paying more

attentiontomywords.”Assertive communication

hasthreeparts:

WhatIfeel:Thefirstpartisidentifyingspecificallyhowyoufeelinthissituation.Ithelpstomakeyourexchangelessharshandallowstheotherpersontoseehowand

whatheorshesaysordoesnegativelyaffectsyou.Italsosoftenstheconflictbyintroducingyoursubjectiveexperienceandcommunicatingitwithcourtesy.Statinghowyoufeeltoothersissignificantbecauseithelpsyoubegintoestablishtheimportance

ofwhoyouarebyacknowledgingyourselfandunderstandingyourfeelings.Otherpeoplecan’tdothatforyou.

WhatIsee:Thispartsimplyidentifiesthebehaviornonjudgmentally.Doingthishelpsyoutakeresponsibilityforwhat’s

goingonbynotmakingthepersonyou’readdressingthecauseofyourpain.Instead,youfocusonhowtheirbehaviorcausesyoutofeelacertainway.Byapproachingtheissuethisway,you’renotdirectingthenegativefeelingsyou

haveattheperson,soitdoesn’tcomeacrossasapersonalattack.You’rejustsharinghowtheirwordsoractionsmadeyoufeel.

WhatIwouldlike:Thispartidentifieswhatyou’reaskingforinthespiritofbeinganautonomous

personandreinforcesyourpersonalindividuality.Thisdoesn’tmeanthatyou’llgetwhatyouwant,butwhatyousaywillbereceivedbetter.Forexample,usingwordinglikepreferorI’dappreciatepreventsyoufromfallingintothebad

habitofusingabsolutewordstotellpeoplethingslike,“Youshouldlistentomebetter.”

Forexample:

Step1.WhatIfeel:Ifeelhurt.Step2.WhatIsee:Thatyouhaven’treallybeen

listeningtowhatI’msaying.Step3.WhatIwouldlike:I’dpreferyoutopaymoreattentiontomywords.

To help you understand thedifferent communicationstyles and see why assertivecommunication works best,I’ll take a common

interpersonal relationshipissue that can trigger a lotofanxietyandframeitunderallthree styles ofcommunication. Let’s sayyour father is continuallycritical of you for choicesyou’vemadeinyourlife.AtaThanksgiving dinner, withmanyofyour relatives at the

table, he sarcastically infersthat he’s disappointed in youbecause you didn’t followhim into the family businessand instead chose your owncareerpath.Herearethethreetypes of communication youcanusetorespond:

Aggressivecommunication:You

wouldsaysomethinglike,“Youaresoselfish,Dad!Allyoueverdoisthinkofyourself.WhydoyoualwayshavetoruindinnerwithyourpettygrievancesaboutwhatIchoosetodowithmycareer?Younevercaredaboutmeanyway,sowhypretendlikeyoudo

now?Gotohell!”Thiskindofcommunicationwillruinthedinner,andyourfatherwillprobablyrespondinadefensivewaythatwillescalatethetensionbetweenyou.Andyou’llfeelangrierwhenitdoesn’tgetresolvedsinceit’sunlikelythathe’ll

apologizeafterwhatyousaid.

Passivecommunication:Youwouldoffernoverbalresponse.You’reangryinsidebuttooafraidtoexpressit.Youshutdownandquietlychurninyourcontempt.Youthencowertohim,bowyourhead,

feelshameinfrontofyourrelatives,remainsilentfortherestofthedinnerandfeelresponsibleforyourfather’spain.Youalsostifleangerathim.Oryougetupfromthetable,walkawayandwithdraw.

Assertivecommunication:You

wouldsaysomethinglike,“Iamveryupset[whatIfeel]thatyouindirectlybroughtthisupagainwithme[whatIsee].Idon’tappreciatethisrightnow.Iamsorrythatyou’reangrywithmeforfollowingmydreamsandnotfollowingyours.Iwouldprefer

[whatIwouldlike]ifinthefuture,youwouldrememberthatthereisatimeandplaceforthesetypesofdiscussions,andthisisnotoneofthem.So,let’schangethesubject[whatIwouldlike].”

Remember, assertivecommunication within your

interpersonal relationships isnotintendedtochangeothersnor to necessarily get theoutcomeyou’dlike.Ifanyofthese things do occur as aresult of goodcommunication,you’relucky.The truth is, assertivecommunication is intendedforyou—yourself.Itcanhelp

youevolveasahumanbeing,raise your self-esteem andpromote your dignity as aunique individual. And intime, as you integratespeakingassertivelyintoyoureveryday life, it candecreaseyoursymptoms of anxiety aswell.

COLIN’SSTORYI treated Colin forgeneralized anxietyfor several months.Although he was akind and harmlessman, he tended torelate to others with

an aggressive style.Through our worktogether, weuncovered thatColin, who sufferedfrom very low self-esteem, was afraidto act warmly toothers in generalbecause he didn’t

want them to seehim as a weakperson. To him, apassive or gentleperson wassomeone whowould not be takenseriously. He alsobelieved that tosurvive in the world,

one had to be a littleharsh. So toovercompensate forfeeling scared andmostly inadequateinside, he adoptedan aggressive styleto appear strongand confident.He didn’t like that

his aggressive stylemade him unable toform lastingrelationships, whichleft him feeling veryisolated and evenmore afraid andanxious about theworld. Colinwouldn’t allow

himself to beauthentic. He didn’tgive himself achance to be likedfor being Colin. Hefelt compelled tolive up to a fakepersona to avoidrejection. When hecame to see me, he

was in limbo—hewas afraid that if hesoftened hisapproach, peoplewould walk all overhim, yet he wasafraid of continuingto live in fear as theaggressor who wasalways on guard. In

the end, Colincouldn’t hide fromthe truth—hisaggressivecommunicationstyle left him feelingunfulfilled (he rarelygot his needs met),misunderstood andfeared by others.

He also realizedthat people lostrespect for himbecause he tried togain it from themthe wrong way.Eventually, Colinlearned that usingassertivecommunication

permitted him to bewarm and gentlewith people withoutappearing inferior.He could be directand honest withouthaving to blow upand be emotional.This allowed him tofeel strong and

important. He wasable to deepen hisrelationships in boththe workplace andwith his family. Italso decreased hisanxiety in the longrun because heunderstood thatthere was very little

to fear by beingauthentic. Peoplewere going to likehim or not. But hehad a better chanceof people liking himas an assertive manthan by beingaggressive.

BUILDINGSELF-ESTEEMBYREDISCOVERINGCORE VALUESAnother vital aspect in theprocess of solidifying yoursense of self is getting in

touchwithyourpersonalcorevalues and, most important,learning how to stayconnected to them. Whetheryou know it or not, youpossess core values—thingsthat are important to you—that drive your existence.These values are the pillarsthatsupporttheinfrastructure

of your life and the reasonwhy you get up in themorning. They’re also thefabric of who you are as anindividual, because they giveyou meaning and purpose.The core values I refer toaren’t necessarily yourparents’values.They’reyourown personal ones, like the

ones I discussed earlier, thatyou’ve developedindependently.Theremay bea vast difference betweenyours and your family’s. It’suptoyoutoreviewwhatyouthinkareyourcorevaluesandask yourself if each one isaligned with what you trulywant to live by. Through the

years—in varying degrees—your core values tend to fallby the wayside, especially ifyou’ve become depressed orpreoccupied with excessiveworryoverlife’sunavoidabledifficulties.As a result of letting go of

core values, your self-esteemcan take a big hit and

plummet because you’ve lostyour sense of direction.Without that direction andpurpose, you can begin toforget who you are.Realigning with these valueswill give you insight as towhere you can put yourenergy and what to beginfocusing on as part of the

process of rebuilding yourself-esteem. When yourediscover your core valuesand make a consciousdecision to live by them asbestyoucan,you’llgraduallybegin to see changes in yourlife. And, over time, you’llstart to feel better becauseyou’re in harmony with

yourself.Whatfollowsisanexercise

to help you reconnect withyour values.When I ask mypatientstodothis—similartotheir experience with thepersonal likes and strengthsexercises presented earlier inthis chapter—many reportthat it brings up

uncomfortable feelingsbecause the direct focus onthemselves again feels tooegocentric.But remember, tobuild self-esteem you mustidentifyandacknowledgethatyou are a separate individualin relation to others. If youcan appreciate youruniqueness and value as a

person, you may be able toappreciate those qualities inothers,too.

EXERCISEREDISCOVERING CORE

VALUES

Thefollowingisalistof

possiblelifevaluestohelpyougetstartedwithidentifyingyourownpersonalcorevaluesthatareimportanttoyou.

Theideaistogetasspecificaspossible.Materialthingsarealsonotthekindsofvaluesyoushouldlookforinyourself.Therefore,

thingslikemoney,retirementplans,realestate,carsandothermonetary-basedvaluesarenotconsideredtobecorevalues.

Usetheseasaguideline,butcomeupwithyourowntoo:

__Commitmenttofamily__Commitmenttospouse/partner__Commitmenttocommunity__CommitmenttoGod__Spirituality__Health__Nutrition__Exercise__Integrity__Responsibility__Self-

respect__Honesty__Self-reliance__Senseofhumor

After you’ve compiled yourlist think aboutwhat you arewilling to commit to doingeach day that are in accordwith these values. For

example, if one of youridentified core values is asense of integrity, to alignyourbehaviorwiththatvalue,you may decide to makeamends with someone youhad a falling out with in thepast. You may call a familymemberandperhapsopenupa dialogue about an issue

that’s unresolved betweenyou using assertivecommunication. Or you maychoosetofollowthroughonataskor agoalyou’veput offforawhile that’sbeeneatingawayatyouandmakingyoufeelinadequatefornotgettingitdone.If you identifywith having

spirituality as one of yourcorevalues,choosetoengagein some mindfulnessmeditation before or afterwork.Or youmay choose toattend services at a place ofworship, oryoumaypickupreadingmaterials that inspireand reconnect you towhatever your higher power

is. Or you may decide tospend time experiencingnature—walking in a park,strolling on the beach orhiking in the forest. Or youmay just choose to sitsomewhere quietly duringyour lunch break and take inthesightsaroundyou.You’llknow what to do when you

reconnectwithyourvalue.Intheexercisethatfollows,

record your core values andthenlistsome thingsyoucandonow.Forexample:

Corevalue#1—Spiritualityorconnectingtoyourhigherpower

1. Iwilldomindfulnessactivitiesand/ormeditateeverymorningfor15to20minutesbeforeIgotowork.

2. Iwillattendaplaceofworshipforservicesonceaweek

andwhileI’mthere,I’llhaveaconversationwithatleastoneortwonewpeople.

3. Iwilldo30minutesofmindfulnesswalkingoutdoors.

EXERCISECORE VALUES AND A

LIST OFACTIONS/ACTIVITIES

Inanotebookoronyourcomputer,makealistofplannedactions/activitiesyoucanscheduleorcommittoonceaday.

Corevalue#1

Actions/activitiesIwilltaketoday:

1.

2.

3.

Corevalue#2

Actions/activitiesIwilltaketoday:

1.

2.

3.

Ifyoudothisexerciseonceadayeverydayforonemonth,

you’re likely to experience achange or a shift in yourthinking about yourself andyourplaceintheworld.

Chapter 9

EXTREME

ACCEPTANCE

TheXGamesfortheMind

“Thegreatestwisdomistomakethe

enjoymentofthepresentthesupremeobjectoflifebecausethatistheonlyreality,allelsebeingtheplay

ofthought.”

—ArthurSchopenhauer

The concept ofextreme acceptance ispurelyastateofmind.It’sasweepingmentalattitude that in manyways can act as auniversal coping skill.

Extreme acceptance isnot a destination or agoal that you reachand then you have it.It’sanongoingprocessof exercising yourmindtobeflexibleandtolerant of anything

thatlifethrowsatyou.The mindfulness ofextreme acceptanceencompasses all fourof the conceptsdiscussed in previouschapters and findingacceptance with them

all: challengingconsensus reality,balancing the dualisticmind, lettinggoof theillusion of control andestablishing anaccountableself.

FLEXINGYOUR MINDWhen you learn to exerciseextreme acceptance for allaspects of your life, youwillgraduallyshedanypreviouslyassumed negative beliefsystems you might have hadthat you felt required to live

by. Then you can open up anew world of thinking andresponding. Applyingextreme acceptance to yourlifemeans that youmust digdeep inside of yourself andaccept what may seemoutrageous or what goesagainst everything you’vebeentaught.

One of the hardest things Ihad to accept in my life,especiallywhenIfirststarteddoing this work, was toaccept thatIcouldnotpleaseeveryoneallthetime.Later,Ialso learned that I could notevenpleaseeveryonemostofthe time. Plus, “everyone”and “all the time” were

irrational absolutes that weredriving me crazy, though Ididn’t know it at the time.When I first began to acceptmy powerlessness to pleaseeveryone, my anxiety spikedasa resultof thismind shift.It felt outrageous. I hadbeenapeoplepleaserforyearsandit was the only way I knew

how to relate to others.Through extreme acceptance,I gradually let go andaccepted the bitter truth: thatevery now and then I wasgoing to either disappointsomeoneorsomeonewasnotgoing to like me. Once Igrasped that concept andaccepted it, I felt better. The

pressurewasoff.Practicing extreme

acceptance can be scary attimes, because if you haveany drastic change or abruptshift in what’s familiar toyou,there’sanemotionalriskinvolved. But despite thepotential risks and highstakes,EckhartTollereminds

us: “Acceptance of theunacceptable is the greatestsource of grace in thisworld.”It’snoteasytoacceptwhat might seemunacceptable to you rightnow, but the more you canaccept what’s going on inyour life, the more you canrelaxaboutit.Thatinitselfis

agreatwaytoreduceanxiety.

WHAT ISACCEPTABLE?It’s important tobeclear thatextreme acceptance is notindifference, apathy or blindresignation.Itdoesn’tinvolveskirting personal

responsibility and it’scertainlynotrelatedtogivingup or quitting. In addition, itdoesn’t mean that you mustview whatever misfortunesyoumayhavesufferedinthepast as a good thing. Andmost important, it does notimply that you shouldarbitrarily forgive

wrongdoersandabsolvethemof culpability. None of theseactionsandattitudesaregoodfor you, and I discouragethem.Extremeacceptancefocuses

on more positive aspects oflife. It’s a copingmechanismto help you stop fightingrealityandlearntorollwithit

more. When you can acceptthethingsyoucannotchange,youcanputmoreenergy intocontrolling your response tothe world instead of lettingwhat’s going on createanxiety. When you haveextreme acceptance you’llexperiencethefollowing:

You accept things

as they are,without judgingthem.Whatever comes your way,you mindfully refrain fromoveranalyzing and possiblyjudgingwhat itmeanstoyouor why it’s wrong or bad.You accept that it is what itis. Whatever happens—

happens—and life goes on.When you have extremeacceptance, your patienceincreases, which allows thenatural flow of what’s goingon around you to take place.Keeping this perspectivemeanslettinggooftheinnatereflex to interpret all of yourexperienceswithacriticaleye

and letting go of the waysyou viewed life that yourecognized in Chapters 3through7.In addition, holding on to

resentments and grudges thatresultfrommakingjudgmentsdeprives you of gaining theinsight and growth that candevelop from the experience.

Sustained resentments aboutthings that happened in thepast are like lazy forms ofgrieving because, as youprobably know, it takes agreatdealofinnerstrengthtolet go of anger and feel thepain. Anger, resentment andother negative emotions areunhealthy outlets that cover

upthepain.It’sbettertoletitgocompletelyandmoveon.For example, Edie was a

patient who incessantlyjudgedherselfforthewayshelooked. She resented herselfforhavingacurvyfigure,fornot having nicer hair, forhavingbrowneyesinsteadofblue—the list went on. She

was even highly critical ofherselfforsuccumbingtohersymptoms of anxiety andcoming to seeme in therapy.Shecouldnotaccept thatsheevenneededsomehelp.Mostof the work I did with Ediecentered on findingacceptancewithwhoshewas.She resisted that for many

months,andatfirstthoughtitwas fruitless to make such aradicalsuggestion.ButeventuallyEdiecameto

an understanding that it wasbetter and easier to acceptherself as she was than towish she was somehowdifferent. She learned thatpain was the difference

between realityandwhat shewantedrealitytobe.Onceheracceptance of situations inher life kicked in, she begantofeelbetter.

You accept othersfor who they are—and for who theyare not.

Acceptance of other peoplewho are different than youseems to be a very difficulttask for many people,especially when you’ve beenstuck in rigid patterns ofthinking. But when you optfor extreme acceptance, youaccept the differencesbetween you and other

people.And,moreimportant,you’regratefulforthegeniusof diversity in thought,personal values, sexualorientation,religion,pointsofview, race and othervariations of those youencounter. Extremeacceptance doesn’t assumeexpectations of others but

instead attempts to adopt acompassionateacknowledgment of otherswithout imposing your ownprejudice.Therefore, when you have

extreme acceptance, youstrive to view everyone, aswell as yourself, as uniquehumansinconstanttransition.

Youalsotrytoacceptthatallof us are complex,multilayered individuals whoare highly vulnerable andsuperbly imperfect. Extremeacceptance is aboutcultivating tolerance. Youdon’t have to agree witheveryone’s thoughts andactions or like them, but you

accepttheirrighttohavetheirown ways, just as you haveyours. When you haveextreme acceptance you alsounderstand that you don’thave the power to changeothers, no matter how muchyoumight like to.Youknowthat you can encourageothers,influencethem,maybe

even get some to see oracceptyourpointofviewonsome level, but beyond that,you’repowerless.That’swhyit’s important to accept thatit’s best to take control ofyourself and leave others todo the same for themselves.Then you can stop worryingaboutthem.

For example, when thirty-two-year-old Jeremy was achild,heobservedhisparentsimmediately judging peoplebased on personality andappearance characteristics.Allpeople,evenfamily,werecritiqued and “sized up” byhis conservative parentsbased on stereotypes and

preconceptions that had littletodowith true character andintegrity. People who hadtattoos or body piercingswere deemed dirty anduntrustworthy, regardless ofwho they were or what theyhad achieved in life. Thosewhohadalternative lifestyleswith differing values were

also judged harshly. Peoplewhospokeupandchallengedconvention were seen asirreverentorsubversive.Even as an adult, Jeremy

subconsciously assumed thesame mindset and beganseeing people with ascrutinizing eye. He splitpeople into categories as if

theywerearticlesofclothing.As a result, he only hadacquaintances in his life andno true friends. When webegan, Jeremy didn’tunderstand his lack of closepeople in his world but hefinally recognized that if hejudgedotherssosuperficially,he was probably judging

himself thatway, too.As thesessions passed in treatment,Jeremy slowly let go of hisparents’ rigid beliefs aboutpeopleandacceptedothersastheywere.Thathelpedhimtoaccepthimself,too.

You accept that allthings must end.Nothing is forever.

Extreme acceptance teachesyou to adhere to themindsetthat life ismerely a series ofbeginnings and endings. Allgood things end and,thankfully,allbadthingsend,too. Remaining overlyattached to people, careers,success, specific outcomesand earthly possessions

causessufferingandincreasesanxiety. If you can learn tolook at loss or the end of arelationshipassimplyanotherending in your life that’s anormal part of being human,you’re likely to experienceless distress over it. Whenyou’re not too emotionallycommittedtowhathappened,

it’seasiertoacceptit.As overly simplistic as it

may sound, Dr. Seuss had agreat way of looking at lossand endings: “Don’t crybecause it’s over, smilebecause it happened.” Thefinite nature of life and theknowledge that even yourown life will end someday

can, in fact, be a motivatinginsight that can give yourexistence a great deal ofmeaning if you allow it to.Thingsbegin and things end.The concept of death anddyinginthisinstancecanbeafriendinsteadofsomethingtofear. People will come andwillgo.That’slife.Whenyou

can accept this, you’ll havemore control over youranxiety.For example, Larry had a

successful30-yearcareerasadesigner of office buildings,and he was fifty-eight yearsold when he faced earlyretirement after hisarchitecture company was

forced to downsize. Foryears, Larry’s identity hadbeen tied to his job.Withouthis work to define him, heimagined an empty and grimfuture. I remember himsayingoneday,“Withoutmyjob,Idon’tknowwhoIam.”Larry and I worked on hisinabilitytoacceptthathewas

now moving into the nextphase of his life, and therewas very little he could doabout it.Likemanyofus,hewanted to be young foreverandhavetheabilitytodecidewhenhewould stopworkingon his terms. He fought theideaofretirementformonths.Eventuallyhebegantoaccept

thatthisendingcouldactuallybeanewbeginning thatmaynotbesobad.After many sessions in

therapy, Larry embraced hisnew beginning. He did it byaccepting the inevitable andby appreciating all he hadaccomplished over the years,like the many buildings he

had designed in citiesthroughout the country andthe countless people he hadhelped and mentored. Herealized that acceptancewould help him traversethrough his remaining yearswith integrity about what heaccomplished despite beingretired.Thealternativewasto

live with desperation aboutthepotentialemptiness inhislife. It was his choice tomake.Hechoseacceptance.

You don’t askunanswerablequestions.Whenyouhaveatleastsomeextreme acceptance, you

catch yourself from askingunanswerable questions like,“Why was I born into myparticular family?” or “Whycan’t I be smarter, richer,more attractive or morecreative?” If you try toanswer these unanswerablequestions, all you’ll comeupwith are interpretations and

theories that don’t provide asatisfactory answer. Oftenthere are no definitive orlogical answers, andanxiously ruminating aboutwhysomethingturnedouttheway it did is awasteof timesince you’ll never find goodanswers for those kinds ofquestions.Lettingthemhaunt

your thoughts just createsanxiety since you can makegetting the answer importantbut itwillnever come.Otherexamples of unanswerablequestionsare:

Whydoallpeoplehavetodieoneday?WhydoIhavea

chronicillness?Whyarethereevilpeopleintheworld?Whyislifesodifficultsometimes?

In most cases, there are noviable answers to thesequestions. A more importantquestion to ask is, “Why

now?” It’s better to look atwhat you’re doing today thatmight be adding to theproblem. Why does whatyou’reaskingmattersomuchtoyounow?What’sgoingonthat makes you ask thesekinds of questions and dwellon wanting answers? Yourhere-and-now thinking is the

onlyrealityyoucancounton.Petra learned this. She was

a happily married mother ofthree who came to see mebecause she was anxiousabout her youngest child,Eliza, not being as good astudent as her other children.Elizawasacreativetypeandinterested in music. She

played the piano, composedmusicanddreamedofjoininga jazz band in the future.Eliza’s academic skills werepooratbestbutshemanagedto pass all her classeswith aCaverage.Shewasalsoverysocial and was one of themore popular girls in school.Her demeanor was positive,

andshewasalwayspoliteandkindtopeople.Because Petra’s older

children were straight-Astudents, she could notappreciate any of Eliza’snonacademic assets. Petracouldn’t accept her daughterfor being amusician and nota scholar, and she suffered a

greatdeal over trying towillElizaintobeingdifferent.Shelost a lot of sleep andsometimes incapacitatedherselfwithanxietyoverthis.Itwasdestroyingherlife.Sheoftenasked in session, “Whyis this happening to myfamily? Why us?” In ourwork together, Petra

recognized that, in hermind,accepting that Eliza was notspecial academically meantthatshedidn’tcareaboutherfuture.Shewas also afraid itwould make her seeminadequate as a mother.Consequently, she felt like afailure.At first Petra fought me

about the idea of acceptingEliza for who she was. Shewas incensed with me foreven bringing it up. But hermind shifted into acceptanceafter she stopped asking,“Why?”andjustletitbeforawhile.Shesoonreframedherthoughts—understanding thatherdaughter’shappinesswas

more important than heracademic skills. Mostimportant,shedecided itwastime to begin to appreciatewhat Eliza did possess: apositive and healthy state ofmind, excellent social skillsand a love for music. Herdaughter’s passion for musicand determination to be a

great composer soon inspiredher, and her anxiety left asshedevelopedprideforEliza.However, this epiphanywouldnothavemanifestedtoher unless she first acceptedwhat she considered to beunacceptable. She had topracticebeingflexibledespiteherfear.

THEIMPORTANCEOFGRATITUDEExtreme acceptance can’texist without bringinggratitude into the picture. Inorder to reconcile thatyou’remaking an effort to accept

difficultpeopleandsituationswithout judgment, and toacceptthatallthingswillendsomeday, it’s helpful toconsciously feel grateful forallthegoodinyourlifenow.This means taking stock ofthebasictruthsyouhaverightnowsoyoucanacknowledgeandappreciatethem.

Your mind runs onperpetualautopilotunlessyouconsciouslydecide to changeit.It’suptoyoutolearnhowto switch over to a manualmode and self-manage yourthoughts in ways that serveyoubetter.Thisprocessisnotnecessarily a destination or agoal. It’s simply a daily

practice, like brushing yourteeth or tidying up yourhouse. Managing yourthoughts can become a habitwhenyoumaketheeffort.Atfirst you’ll have to monitorthem so you can makeadjustments. But eventuallyyour new, healthier thoughtswillbe theones thatcometo

mindfirst.Feelinggoodfromthinking about all the thingsyoucanbegrateful for helpsyouchangethosehabits.Zen master Lin Chi said,

“The miracle is not to walkon water but to walk on theearth.” In accordance withthat thought, the wonder ofgratitude is to be gutsy

enoughtopeacefullyembracethe simple things you haveevery day and take notice ofyour many gifts. As youbegin to strive for extremeacceptance, you can alsobegin to trust that gratitudecanbearadicalalternative toformer methods that you’veused for coping. The

following exercises can helpyou to take your focus awayfrom negative and irrationalthoughts to having moresensibleandgroundedones.

EXERCISE 1CULTIVATING

GRATITUDE: THINGS TO

BE GRATEFUL FOR

Writedownthreethingsyou’regratefulforinyourlifetoday.Completethisexerciseeverymorningforonemonth.Beveryspecificaboutwhyyou’regratefulforeachoneyouchoose.Althoughsomerepetitionis

okay,trytolookfornewonesasmuchaspossiblewhenyoudotheexercisesoyourgratitudecanexpand.

Forexample:Youmightbespecificaboutacknowledgingasituationinyourlife:IamgratefulforawonderfulworkenvironmentbecauseIgetrespectand

appreciationforthehardworkIdo.

Oryoumightacknowledgehavingsomething:Iamgratefulforhavinganapartmentwithlotsoflightbecauseitkeepsmeinagoodmoodandkeepsmyplantshappy,too.

Remember,whenyouwakeupinthemorningandstoptoidentifypositivethingsinyourlife,bigorsmall,yourmindwillbeginthedaybyprocessingtheworlddifferently.Ifyoukeepmakingyourlistinthesamenotebookordocumenton

yourcomputer,you’llseeallthegoodinyourlifeaddingup.

Copythefollowingsentencesandfinishthreeeachday.Trythisforonemonthandseewhathappens

Iamgratefulfor

Because

Iamgratefulfor

Because

Iamgratefulfor

Because

Thenextexerciseasksyoutoidentify people that you’refortunatetohaveinyourlife.

Istheresomeonethatlovesyou,respectsyouandsupportsyou?Istheresomeonewhoappreciates

youruniquenessandindividuality?Istheresomeonewhoacknowledgesyourhardwork?Istheresomeonewhosimplymakesyoulaughandhelpsyouenjoythelightersideoflife?

Istheresomeonewhoisgoingthroughadifficulttimeandtheirexperiencehasenrichedyours?Istheresomeonewhosecompanyyoudon’talwaysenjoy,butwhenyouare

aroundthem,youlearnalotaboutyourself?

Give examples about whyyou’regrateful thatyouhavetheminyour lifeor that theycametoyoufora reason.Bespecific. Start with peoplewho are in your life now—

family, friends, teachers,mentors, coworkers and soon. If you can’t think ofanyone in the present, thinkof people from the past—ateacher who made adifference in your life,someone who motivated youto choose a career or hobbyyou like, a childhood friend

who moved away but taughtyouaskillyoustilluse.Writedown why each is special toyou. How did the personaffect your life in a goodway?Being specific about what

you appreciate in the peopleyou choose will ultimatelyexpand your experience of

them. In addition, if you’reaware of precisely howpeople make you feel good,you may naturally end upgiving some of that back.And giving back canundoubtedly inspire evenmoreabundancebecauseyoumayevenfeelgratefulfortheopportunitytomakesomeone

elsefeelhappy.Studiesshowthat the happiest people aretheoneswhohelpothers.

EXERCISE 2CULTIVATING

GRATITUDE: PEOPLEYOU’RE GRATEFUL FOR

Writedownthreepeoplethatyou’refortunatetohaveinyourlife.Aswiththelastexercise,dothisforonemonth.Forexample,youmightbespecificaboutacknowledgingwhysomeoneissoimportanttoyou:

IamfortunatetohavemyfriendJaneinmylifebecausesheisagoodlistener,shetreatsmewithloveandrespect,andsheisthereformewheneverIneedher.

Or,youmightacknowledgeyourself:

IamfortunatetohavemyselfbecauseIhaveperseveredthislong,despitethefearandanxietyofapotentialdouble-diprecession.

Copythebeginningofthesentencesbelowandfinishthemeachday.Trythisfor

onemonthandseewhathappens.

Iamfortunatetohave(person)inmylife

Becausehe/she

Iamfortunatetohave

(person)inmylife

Becausehe/she

Iamfortunatetohave(person)inmylife

Becausehe/sheBecausehe/she

Thenextexerciseasksyoutoidentifythreefactorsthatyoubelievemake your lifeworthliving. Try to give examplesabout why these are soimportanttoyou.Bespecific.This third step is a personalvaluesexercise,whichunlikethe other two steps, may ormay not be goal oriented.

Think about three values inyour life that you could notlivewithout.Theymustbesoimportant that if someonetried to take them away,you’d fight for them. Thesevalues can’t be materialthings like your money, car,house, iPod or even theindispensably assumed

smartphone.Again, the key is to be

specific.Forwhatevervaluesyou come up with, try toidentify exactly why theymatter to you. For example,youmightdiscover that yourlife is worth living becauseyou like to help others,because you enjoy the work

that you do in your career,because you enjoy beingcreative and expressingyourself by doing projectsrelated to art or because youwanttoloveandsupportyourchildren and/orgrandchildren.

EXERCISE 3CULTIVATING

GRATITUDE: WHAT YOUVALUE IN YOUR LIFE

Writedownthreereasonsthatyoubelievemakeyourlifeworthliving.Trytogiveexamplesaboutwhythesearesoimportantto

you.Findanythinginyourlifethatyouvalueandwriteitdown.Othervaluescouldbethatyouarededicatedtopersonalgrowthandwanttoevolvemoreasaperson.YoumaywanttodeepenyourrelationshipwithGodorwhateveryourspiritualhigherpoweris.Oryoumay

findyourlifeworthlivingbecauseyouwanttoovercomepersonalissuesandobstaclesthatinthepasthaveimpairedyourabilitytobehappy.

Copythebeginningofthesentencesbelowandfinishthemeachday.Trythisfor

onemonthandseewhathappens.

Mylifeisworthliving

Because

Mylifeisworthliving

Because

Mylifeisworthliving

Because

Remember, acceptance alsomeansbeinghappywithwhatyouhave.Butwithout takinginventory about all that’sgood in your life—big and

small—you won’t be able toappreciate it.Theseexerciseswork, especially when youpracticethemonadailybasisor as often as you can. Theyworked for me in the past,andtothisday,theycontinueto help me to accept myselfandmanagemyanxiety.

Chapter 10

REDUCING

ANXIETY ININTIMATE

RELATIONSHIPS

“Loveisnotafeeling;it’sanability.”

—PeterHedges

In the same way thatintimate relationshipscan be joyful andrewarding, they canalso be difficult tomanage andsometimes even

agonizing.Theanxietythat can be caused byhaving one can alsoskewthemindintothenegative thinkingpatterns that I’vediscussed in previouschapters. Close

relationships tend tonaturally feed intoyour vulnerabilities.The possibility oflosing a relationshipcan create negativeemotional responsesand stress.

Relationships can alsotrigger feelings thatcome from memoriesof your familyinteractions orrelationships in thepastthatarepainfulorunresolved.

Theriskyoutakewhenyoufall in love and becomeemotionally dependent onsomeone else can befrightening. And you risk alot if you place your hopesand dreams on anotherperson. Sometimes, whenthere’sdiscordbetweenlovedones and you’reworried that

your most importantrelationship is on shakyground, it’s common toexpressyourangstbygettingangry. When this happens,the fight component of thefight-or-flight-or-freezeinstinct kicks in because youmay feel threatened that therelationship could end and

you’ll be all alone. So toreduce anxiety in intimaterelationships, you must firstlook for any anger you mayhaveandidentifyhowithurtsyou.

UNDERSTANDINGANGER AS ASECONDARY

EMOTIONAngerisconsideredbymanyto be a secondary emotionsince it may be triggered bykey, primary emotions thatare hidden away in thesubtext of expressing yourirritation. Anger is oftenmerely the tipof the iceberg,

withonlyasmallportionofiton the conscious surface anda much larger, unseenpercentage submerged at anunconscious level. Whenpartners fight, they’re notalwaysawareofwhatthey’rereally fighting about.Sometimes, beneath thesurface of the familiar

emotion of anger are veryintense and often unspokenfeelingsoffear,hurtorboth.Getting beneath the surface

ofthatemotionalicebergandbecoming aware of theunderlying feelings that wemay have is perhaps whatseparates us from animals.You’re not a walking

impulse, incapable ofthinking before you act.Therefore,youcanriseaboveany habits you have ofreacting instinctually and tapinto the unconscious parts ofyour psyche that sometimesoperate automatically. Whenyourresponsesandbehaviorsare driven by anger, your

emotions control you, whichis likely to stoke the hurt orfear that you have below thesurface. That increasesanxiety.Fear and hurt are by no

means the definitivefoundations of anger,although they greatlycontributetoit.Youmayfeel

too uncomfortable orashamed to express the realcause of your anger in themidst of a heateddisagreement. Those unsaidthoughts can fester after afight. In addition, sometimesoneorbothpartnersfeelsthatexpressing the fear or hurtmight overexpose them and

make them appear weak. Inthe passion of a highlycharged quarrel, the egocomes in and pride takesover. Consequently, it’stypical to turn to what’ssingle-mindedly believed tobe the most stoic andprotective of emotions—anger. That makes you lash

outinsteadofcommunicatinghow hurt you feel or whatscares you. It happens to allofus,butthatdoesn’tmakeitgoodforyou.Intheheatofthemomentit

can seem better to give youranger the reins and let itspeak for you. For example,in the midst of an intense

argumentyoumightshiftintoanger because you’re afraidthat the aggressive wayyou’re being treated won’tstopandthingscouldescalateand get even worse. It canmake you feel anxious,inadequate to change things,and subsequently, you canfeel trapped. Your reaction

may then be to make anegative statement instead ofrevealinghowscaredyouare.What’s important tounderstand is that, ironically,notwithholdingwhatyoufeelandsharingyourhurtandfearwith your romantic partnercould actually increase thechances of repairing your

relationshipinthelongrun.

KELLEY ANDALAN’SSTORYKelley and Alancame to me forcouple’s therapy,complaining ofmarital discord.

While they bothstruggled withissues, Kelleybegan by sharingthat she walked oneggshells aroundAlan most of thetime withoutknowing why. Aftera few sessions, she

had an epiphany—she was afraid toexpress negativeemotions with him,especially anger.She feltembarrassed toadmit it, but shefeared retribution oreven abandonment

if she conveyedirritation orannoyance aboutanything. Kelley’smother had been a“grudger,” whopassive-aggressivelypunished her as alittle girl by

consistentlyignoring her andacting indifferentlywhenever Kelleydisplayed any signsof discontent. Shegrew scared of hermother’s withdrawaland over timeblamed herself for

temporarily losingher mother’s love.She always worriedthat one day hermother would walkout and neverreturn.Kelley feared the

same relationshipdynamic with Alan,

although he wasnothing like hermother. Duringtreatment Kelleyrecognized thatwithholding heremotions with Alancaused her and therelationshipdamage. I helped

her get past hertrepidation and topractice fulldisclosure of herfeelings more withAlan, especially heranger. She beganto feel less trappedby her old belief thatanger was an

inappropriateemotion, and ithelped her getpreviouslysuppressed feelingsoff her chest. It alsohelped her becauseher fear that therelationship wasalways at stake

ended.Consequently, theirrelationshipimproved drasticallyand they bothreported to me thatas a result ofKelley’s openness,the marriage wasstrengthened and

renewed.

It’salsocommontoshiftintoanger if you’re terribly hurtbywhat your partner said ordid if his or her behavior orwords remind you of beingmistreated in pastrelationships or even byfamily members years ago.

This is especially the case ifyouwereabused,mentallyorphysically.Badmemoriescancause you to pick up onthings your partner does andinterpret them in ways thatare way beyond theirintention. One word canremind you of someonewhodidterriblethingstoyou.One

action can make you scaredthat thehurtyouexperiencedwill be repeated. Thosememories can push angrybuttons that trigger you toprotect yourself so you don’tallow something to happenagain, which also createsanxiety.You may believe that an

expression of anger meansyou’re standing up foryourself, so you don’t sharehow trulywounded you feel.Butifyoukeepthesefeelingsbottled up and never expressthem, anxiety gets activatedbecause they’re still there,underneath the surface ofyour feelings. Suppressing

how you really feel leads tofeelingpowerlessoverwhat’sgoingon, and you can easilystarttofeeloverwhelmed.Asa result, your conflict-resolutionskillsbecometwo-dimensional: you’re eithersilent about the issue, orotherwise you explode inanger and your true feelings

aren’taddressed.Formostpeople,expressing

anger openly has, at times,brought results that got theirneeds met. As discussed inChapter 8, youmay have letanger drive you to use anaggressive communicationstyle to protect yourself andmake sure you’re taken

seriously. But typically,inappropriatewords or angrybehavior don’t fosterintimacyinarelationshipandcan establish a pattern ofrelating with loved ones inunhealthy ways that have along-term negative effect.Therefore, it’s important tolearn how to anticipate

situationswhereyouletangercommunicate for you andprevent them by focusing onthe anxiety that anger-basedcommunication producesinstead.Youmaynotbeableto stop the anger itselfbecause you don’t alwayshave control over yourfeelings.Butyoucan control

whatitmakesyoudo.Iusedtohaveachronicfear

thatifIexpressedanykindofanger, ever, I’d resemblemyemotionally unstable fatherand over time become him,too. Yikes! My father wasfamous for his uncontrolledfits of rage that wereembarrassing to watch and

painful to experience whendirected at me. He oftenhumiliatedmeandmyfamilyin public by spewingunspeakable rage if he wasupset with a waiter’s poorservice or if he wasdissatisfiedwithasalespersonat a store or anyone that“wronged” him, period.As a

result, I naively engaged inall-or-nothing thinking bynever expressing anger at allto ensure I didn’t transformintoasadderversionofhim.Inever wanted to make aspectacle of myself like hedid. The price I paid wassuppressed emotions thatincreased my anxiety.

Recognizing that fearconnected tomy relationshipwithmyfatherhelpedmegetpastit,andintimeImanagedtogiveitup.Anger that festers without

resolution can fuel anxiety.Buddhist monk and peaceactivist Thich Nhat Hanhgives an example of how

seeking punishment throughanger canbe self-destructive.He said that if someone setsyour house on fire, the firstthing you should do is try toputout the fire,not run afterthepersonyou suspect is thearsonist. If you run after thatperson, your housewill burndownwhileyouchasehimor

her. It’s more logical to putyour immediate energy intodousing the fire. Gettingangry as a result of otheremotions keeps you fromputting out the fire of youranxiety. Instead, your angerstokes it. If youcan embracethe fact that your well-beingis most important, you can

motivate yourself to begin tospeak up in an honest,noncombative tone to yourpartner about what bothersyou.When you clear the air,youalsoclearthereasonsforbeingangry.

JOSH’SSTORY

Josh came to mebecause he wasfrustrated by hisinability to make arelationship work.He had beenburned years agoby a woman hedeeply loved andwas determined not

to let someone hurthim again. He hadmany girlfriendssince Courtney, buteach time things gotserious, he’d getnervous and noticethings thatreminded him ofher. His

inappropriateaccusations andanger made themall leave. He reallyliked Amy and didn’twant to lose her.But he got angrywith her a lot andshe was gettingtired of it, often

saying that shedidn’t want to payfor the bad behaviorof women beforeher.He asked with total

conviction, “Don’t Iowe it to myself tobe careful to not leta woman hurt me

again?” I explainedthe differencebetween looking forunacceptablebehavior and lettingthe anger he hadwith Courtney drivehis perception ofother people’sbehavior. And, the

anger kept him fromopenlyacknowledging whatwas going on withthe women hedated and thereforeprevented themfrom being able towork it out. Hisanger was on

autopilot, to protecthim. But hisreactions just hurthim more when hecouldn’t make anyrelationship work.He was scared of

losing Amy, whichalso triggered angersince it made him

feel vulnerable. Yethe knew he wasdriving her away.He shared that oneday Amy left amessage that she’dbe home by 7:00 ifhe wanted to callher. He’d justlanded a new client

and was excited toshare the news withher. But when hecalled at 7:00, Amywasn’t home anddidn’t return his calluntil after 8:00. Bythen he was fuming.Courtney had neverkept her word. So

he yelled at Amy,without evenhearing why shehad been delayed.He later apologizedbut didn’t explainwhy it bothered himso much. She calledhim irrational anddidn’t think she

could stay with him.Josh knew that

Amy was good forhim and didn’t wantto lose her. Heasked me for help. Isuggested he firstaccept that Amywasn’t Courtneyand he needed to

stop looking forsigns that she was.The most importantthing, as hard as itmight be, was tohave an honest talkwith Amy andexplain why hebehaved as he did.Doing that terrified

him, but the thoughtof losing her feltworse. Josh knewon a rational levelthat Amy wasn’t likeCourtney, and hekept remindinghimself of that. Heinvited her out to aquiet dinner and

told her she meantenough to him thathe was willing toopen up, whichscared him. He thenshared his story.Amy was touchedby his honesty andagreed to work withhim to help him stop

his overreactions.Josh was relieved

that she knew thetruth. They came upwith things that Amyshould say if Joshwent into his oldpatterns to remindhim she wasn’tCourtney. She was

also more sensitiveto how he reactedto things not goingas expected andcommunicatedmore if she had todo somethingdifferent or wouldbe late. It took time,but with patience,

Josh let go of hisanger about howCourtney hurt himso that he could letAmy’s love in.They’ve been livingtogether for twoyears and plan toget married soon.Josh still has

residual hurtfeelings, but theycontinue to subsideand he rarely feelsanxious about hisrelationship. He’shappy to no longerbe the guy whocan’t keep agirlfriend.

CHANGINGFIXEDBELIEFSABOUTRELATIONSHIPSOne of the goals for couples

interested in reducing tensionand achieving longevitytogether is to cooperativelybegin the process of takingthe myths—the principlesyou’ve lived by that aren’tbased in truth—out of anyfixed thinking from yourpersonal belief system. It’stime to let go of any

consensus reality you weretaught about how amarriageor a relationship “should” beor look like. For example, acommon relationshipmyth isthat if there’s deep andcommitted love for eachother, then all problems willnaturally go away andeverything will work itself

out. Not true. Many peoplebelieve that a healthyrelationshipmeansnoarguingor fighting and a couple hasto agree all the time. Whileyou don’t need big fights,disagreements are actuallyhealthy for a relationship.When a couple brags thattheynever have an argument

and agree with everything, Iwonderwhat feelings they’rekeeping quiet that willeventuallyemerge.Another relationship myth

is that being in love meansthat you must takeresponsibility for makingeach other happy. This isfalse, too.The truth is,while

love is a powerful force, it’snot always very practical.Youdon’thave theability tomake someone else happy,although you can add somehappiness to his or her life.Yetyoudohavetheabilitytomake someone elsemiserable. So to reduceanxiety and increase your

chancesforlong-termsuccesswith your partner, there aresix tips that I strongly urgemy patients to adhere to.They will help you avoidmakingeachothermiserable.These tips are designed to

decrease tension by askingbothpartnerstoheightentheirawareness of each other, to

reexamine their personalbeliefs about what arelationship “should” looklike and to take personalresponsibility for their ownhappiness. Of course, mostcouples want theirrelationships to succeed.Many desperately want themto work out, but the only

thingthatwillensurethisisifboth agree to change theirthinkingandsubsequentlytheway they behave with eachother. Without a behaviorchange, there’s no growth.And no growth means therelationship will falter overtime.Accept that love is notjustafeeling—it’sanability.

It’simportanttounderstandthatthefollowingrelationshiptipsareonlyeffective ifbothpartners are dedicated to therelationship enough to bewilling to change and growtogether.Onepersoncan’tdothe work of both partners tohave a solid, healthyrelationship. There must be

honesty, fairness andgoodwillfrombothsides.

1. Bothpartnersmustcommittothepracticeofloweringtheirexpectations.Oftenwhenyoufallinlove,youthinkthepersonyou’rein

lovewithisperfect.Everyoneisontheirbestbehavioratfirst.Butthatimagecanslowlyunravelovertime,sincenooneisperfect.Thatcancauseunnecessarystaticifyoufeellikethepersonis

changing.Inagoodrelationship,eachpersonmustputasidewantingtheirpartnertobeperfectinallareasandbegintheprocessofacceptinghimorherforeverythingtheyareandeverything

theyarenot.Loweringyourexpectationsalsomeansloweringyourownexpectationsofyourself,too.Youcan’texpecttobetheidealmateeither.Needingtobeperfectandanything

inthevicinityofstrivingtobesohasnoplaceinanykindofhumanrelationship,whetherit’syouoryourpartner.We’resimplynotbuiltthatway.Weareinfact,

exquisitelyflawed.Itmaysoundlikeanobviousrequirementforanintimaterelationship,butitactuallytakesagreatdealofefforttobreakthroughpreviouslyheldbeliefsabouthow

theotherpersonshouldbeorhowyoushouldbe.Bothsexescreatefantasiesaboutwhotheywantromancewith.Thesefantasybeliefsareingrainedinyourpsyche,butsinceyouweren’t

bornthinkingthisway,theycanalsobeunlearned.Loweringyourexpectationsdoesn’tmeanloweringyourstandardsaboutthekindofqualitiesyouwantinaromanticpartner,likehonesty,

integrity,intelligenceandloyalty.Nordoesitmeansettlingforsomeonewhoyou’renotcompatiblewith.Italsodoesn’tmeancompromisingyourpersonalvaluesandbeliefsabouthow

youwanttobetreatedorevenhowyouwanttobeloved.Itsimplymeanshavingrealisticexpectationsofeachotherthatarereasonableandpractical.Itmeansembracingeach

other’simperfectionsasoneofthemanywonderfulvariancesthatmakeushuman.

2. Eachpartnermustbegintoletgooftheneedtobe“right.”Theoldquestionstillholds

true:“Doyouwanttoberight?Ordoyouwantarelationship?”Youcan’thaveboth,period.Needingtoberightassumesaone-uppositionofsuperiorityandpowerthatcauses

peopletofeeltalkeddowntoorevenattacked.Whensomeoneneedstoalwaysberight,heorsheisbeinginflexibleaboutthenaturalpathofpersonalgrowthandtransformation

everyonemustgothrough.Sincenogrowthmeansnochange,nochangemaymeannorelationship.Ifonepartnerwon’tbendandtherelationshipbecomesinflexible,itcantendtobreak

easily.It’salsoimportanttorememberthatwantingtoberightrepresentsadualisticmindsetbecauseyoulivebytheextremesofbeingrightorwrong.Ifthinkingwitha

mindsetthatlooksthroughalensofseeingeverythingasbeingrightorwrongcausesyouanxiety,itwillmostlikelycausethesamekindofanxietyinyourrelationship.Givinguptheneedtobe

rightmeanseachpartnermustletgooftryingtocontroltheotherandtryingtogetyourpartnertocontinuallyseethingsyourway.It’salsoessentialtoacceptthatyou’reverydifferent

people,andthat’sokay.Ifyouandyourpartnercanletgoofanyneedtoalwaysberight,you’llbothbenefitfromcelebratingtheuniquenessyoueachhaveandnotmakeeachotherwrongfor

it.Thisrequiresworkingtogethertotolerateeachother’sconflictingframesofreference,especiallyontouchysubjectsthathavecauseddiscordinthepast.Regardlessofhowdeeply

emotionalanissueisbetweenyouandyourpartner,removingtheunbendingstubbornnessofwantingtoberightallthetimegivestherelationshipabetterchancetosurvive.

SomethingI’veheardfrommanyindividualsthatI’vetreatedisthatdeepdowninside,theytrulywishedtheirpartnersweremorelikethem.Andtheybelievedthatifthepartnerwasmore

likethem,they’dhavemoreharmonyintheirrelationshipandproblemswouldsomehowdisappear.Thisisalsoamyth.

3. Bothpartnersmustcommittothepracticeofacknowledging

theirownpartorcontributiontotheproblem.Eachpartnermustfirstidentifyandthenholdhimselforherselfaccountableforhowtheynegativelycontributetothediscordinthe

relationship.Thisinvolvestakinganhonest,closelookatwhatyouyourselfareresponsibleforthatonlyyoucanchange.Otherwise,therelationshipbecomesoneofblamingeachother

(hesaid/shesaid)andexpectingtheotherpersontochange.Ahealthyrelationshiphasclosetoa50-50splitontakingresponsibilityfortheproblemsbetweenyou.There’sno

lopsidedblamingwithonepointingafingerattheotheralotmorefrequentlyunlessonepartnerhasaseriousissuesuchascommittingadulteryorhavinganaddictionthatnegativelyimpacts

thefamily.Inorderforanyrelationshiptowork,andinorderforchangetobeabletotakeplaceasitgoesalong,therelationshipmuststartastheLatinexpressiontabula

rasastates:withacleanslate.Tohavethatcleanslateandkeepitfairlyclean,bothpartnersneedtocommittoworkingonmakingchangesinhisorherbehavior,withoutfocusingonthe

other.Thismeansthateachpartnerisonlyresponsibleforcleaninghisorherownsideofthestreetandbecomingaccountableforhimselforherself.Youdon’thavethepowertofixor

changeyourpartner,butyouabsolutelyhavepoweroveryourself.Howmuchpowerisyourchoice.Andthatpowercanmakechangesinyouthatmaypositivelyinfluenceyour

partner.Mypatientsarguethatnotbeingabletochangetheirpartnersmakesthemfeelpowerlessoverhowtheirrelationshipgoes.Iassurethemthatit’sactuallyquiteempowering.Asa

therapist,I’msolelyafacilitator,notafixer.ThismeansItrytoguidepatients,likeI’mguidingyou,tofindwaystocreateconditionsintheirlivesthatwillallowthemtohavehealingthatleadsto

changingthedynamicsintheirrelationshipsforthebetter.Byworkingonyourownproblems,youhelpsmooththeprogressofyourrelationship—you’renottryingtofixit.It’sasubtle

butimportantdistinctiontomake.Whenyoubothcommittofindinganswersinyourselves,youhaveamuchbetterchancetohavealessstressfulrelationship.

4. Eachpartnermustcommittothepracticeofmonitoringhis/herownpersonalblindspots.Youmustbewillingtolearntorecognizewhatpushesyourbuttonsaboutyourpartner—

whatisitthatmakesyouirrationalandunabletoberealistic,suchaswhen,say,yourspouseleaveshisorherdirtysocksonthefloorforthefifthdayinarow.Notbeingawareofwhat

Icallyourblindspots(likepetpeeves)inarelationshipleadstounnecessaryandunwantedreactionswhentheyoccur.Forexample,onepartnermaydemandextremeneatness

andcleanlinessinthehouse.Ifhisorherspousepayslittleattentiontocleaningup,itcantriggeraveryknee-jerk,rashresponseandeasilyirritatethatperson.Thatsensitivitytoanythingthat’snot

perfectlycleanandinitsplacecanresultinoverreactingtowhatcouldbeconsideredablindspot.Thispersongetsincrediblyflusteredwhensomethingisn’t“right.”Havinga

heightenedawarenesstothosepersonalhotbuttonscanpreemptanargument.Overtime,bothpartnerscanthencompassionatelyacknowledgeeachother’sblindspotsor

hotbuttonsandknowwhentopullbackandrespecttheother’sboundary.Sincepeopleneedtoberesponsibleforthemselves,eachpersonneedstomonitorhisorherownhotbuttons.It’s

notuptoyoutokeepaneyeonyourpartner’sandtrytododamagecontrol.Inordertohaveagoodchancefordevelopingahealthyrelationshipthatisn’tabigsourceofanxiety,youhaveto

beaccountableforyourself.Thatmeanstakingresponsibilityforyourchoicesandactionswithintherelationship.Relationshipsworkmuchbetterandlesstensiongetsgeneratedbetween

partnerswheneachofyoutakesonthatmissionandself-monitorsinthesamewayyou’didentifyyournegativecontributiontotheproblemsasstatedinthethirdtip.Whenyou’rebothonboard

withhandlingyourhotbuttonsthisway,there’snopressureoneachother.Agoodmantratousetogetheris,youfocusonwhatyouwanttochange,andIwillfocusonme.

5. Eachpartnermust

committothepracticeofusingassertivecommunication.You’llbothhavetochangethewayyoucommunicateandlearntogiveupcommunicatingaggressivelyor

passivelyifyouwanttokeepthingsbetweenyouonapositivepath.Aggressivecommunicationusuallystartsaheatedargument(orworse)andcausesbadfeelings.Passive

communicationmeansyouholdwhatbothersyouinside,butitwillstillguidehowyoutreatyourpartnerbecauseitalsostirsupanger.Thereisalsothegrayareacommunicationstyle

calledbeingpassive-aggressive,whichiswhenindividualsrelateangerornegativefeelingsinanindirectway.Itcanbecommunicatedthroughsarcasm,humor,resigned

indifferenceandsometimesbysimplyignoringtheotherperson.Eitherway,it’sakindofsneakywaytobeheard,thinkingitmayavertanall-outheatedargument.Butlikeaggressiveand

passivecommunication,itdoesn’thelptherelationshipinthelongrun.I’vealwaysconsideredhealthycommunicationastheoxygenthatkeepsrelationships

breathingandthriving.Thequalityofthatcommunicationisveryimportant—it’sthebackboneofasolidpartnership.Assertivecommunicationinvolvesusing

nonjudgmental“I”statementstorelatetoeachother,asdiscussedinChapter8.“I”statementsarekeybecausetheyhelpthespeakertakefullresponsibilityforhisorherfeelingsandthoughtswithout

thelandmineofusing“you,”whichcouldbeseenasblamingandputtingresponsibilityforwhatcausesstaticintherelationshipontheotherperson.Blamingorconstantlyexpecting

tobeblamedforsomethingwithaggressivecommunicationcancausefearandanxiety,whichcreatesstressintherelationship.Again,ifyourpartnerisaneat

freakandgetsupsetifanythingislessthanperfect,youmightfeelunderlyingstresswheneveryou’rehome.Youmayworrythatyouleftsomethingoutofitsplaceordidn’ttidy

upenough.Ifyouknowyourpartnergetsangryatthosethings,youcanbecomeobsessed,worryingthatyou’llbeverballyattackedforit.That’swhyit’simportanttouseassertive

communicationtotellyourpartnerhowyoufeelandthatyoudon’twanttocontinuefeelingallthisstress.Askforawaytocompromise,sincebeingoverlyneatisn’tyourway.Ifyoudon’tpoint

theblameathimorher,youmightgetthrough.Anotherexampleishavingapartnerwhoisasticklerforpunctualityandhatestowaitwhenanyone,includingyou,islate.You

mayhaveadifferentconceptoftimeandcommitmentthatdoesnotplacesomuchemphasisonexactness.Insteadofwalkingoneggshellsaroundthisissueandfeelingafraidtobelate,assertive

communicationmayhelpbalanceyourpartner’srigidityonthissubject.Ifyouclearly,withoutbeingcritical,explainwhyitbothersyousomuchandwhyit’sstressfultodeal

with,thatunderstandingmaymotivateyourpartnertotrytolightenupabit.Intheshortrun,takingresponsibilityforwhateveryourpartisinanissuewhileusingassertive

communicationhelpspartnersbegintorespondtoeachotherinsteadofreact.Mostcouplesdon’tknowhowtotalktoeachotherwithouttriggeringanargument.I’vehelpedmanycouples

overtheyearstoimprovetheirrelationshipsbysimplyalteringtheircommunicationstyletobeingmoreassertiveandlessaggressive.Theanxietyandtensionlevelsthatare

immediatelyreducedbythisfundamentalmodificationincommunicationisremarkable.Ifthere’sgoodwillbetweenpartnersandbothwanttochange,thisaspectofimprovinga

relationshipusuallyworks.

6. Eachpartnermustcommittocultivatingfriends,activitiesandpersonalinterestsoutsideoftherelationship.ThistipisonethatI

usuallygetagreatdealofresistanceto,butit’svitalforreducinganxietyinrelationships.Thispreventsputtingtoomuchpressureoneachotherforfunandstimulation.Oftenpartnersbuy

intooldbeliefsthattheyshouldbetogetherallthetime,relyoneachotherforloveaswellasforfriendship,andsharethesameinterestsandhobbies.They’rescaredthatifthey

don’t,somethingiswrong.Thisissimplyanothersillymyththatdoesmoreharmthangood.Eachpartnershouldtrytocultivateinterestsoutsideoftherelationshipinorder

tomakebeingtogetherfunagain.Thiscreatesmorebreathingroomintherelationshipandpreventsbeingdependentoneachotherforfun.Spendingtimetogethershouldnot

feellikeanobligation.Istronglyurgemypatientstocreateconditionsintheirrelationshipsothatwantingtobetogetherissomethingtheycanlookforwardto.Whenyou’reaway

fromyourpartnerenoughtomisshimorhereverynowandthen,itcankindletheexcitementofseeingeachotheragain.It’shealthytoplandatenightsonweekendslikeyoudidwhenyoufirst

met.Thiskeepstherelationshipfreshandstimulating.Asdiscussedearlier,thepersonalspacesthatexistinbetweentwopeoplewholoveeachotherarecriticaltothelongevityofa

relationship.Manycouplestendtomistakethisforcultivatingseparatelivesthatalienatetheirconnection.That’sfarfromthetruth!Whenyourmindisbalanced,itdoesn’tdefaultintoa

dualisticextremeofdesiringtoomuchspacethatwilldistanceyouboth.Inasense,havingautonomywithinyourrelationshipislikefindingtheGoldilocksZone(discussedin

Chapter4)ofyourrelationship—wherebothofyoucanthrivebybeingtruetoyourindividualityandalsocommittolovingeachother.

ANGRY MINDVS.

BALANCEDMINDAnger itself can create somuch irrationality in one’sthinking that couples are illequipped to manage itwithout the awareness I’vepresented. When anger isn’trecognized as a byproduct of

the hurt and fear you have,then each of you mightconfuse the anxiety itproduces with needing toassert yourself negatively.That can make you want tocontrolyourpartner, create astrong need to be right,develop unrealisticexpectations and

communicateaggressively.Anger produces a fervent

response for holding yourground and fighting to thebitter end. The raw emotionexperiencedcreatesamindsetthatautomaticallytriggersthefight response. Whereas abalancedmindhelpsyoufindhealthy ways to work with

your partner, and an angrymind is likely to make youfeeldefensiveandshiftintoaresultsorientationthatpushesyou to develop controlstrategies. When you’re inthis frame of mind in arelationship,youmight:

Seekperfectionand

develophighandunrealisticexpectationsforyourpartner.Needtoberightallthetimeandthinkinblack-and-whiteterms.Trytocontrolandpushyourpartnerto

bemorelikeyou.Blameyourpartnerandnottakeresponsibilityfortheproblemsinyourlife.Useaggressiveorpassivecommunication(ignoringorbeing

aloof).

Abalancedmind letsgoofaneed for control. Anger thengradually decreases as theanxiety is reduced. Abalancedmind leads tousingprocess orientation and helpsyou give up any need tocontrol your partner. When

you’re in this frame ofmindinarelationship,you:

Letgoofaneedforperfectionanddeveloprealisticandpracticalexpectations.Balanceanyneedtoberightandlookfor

thegrayareasthataren’tdualistic.Giveuptryingtocontroltheotherpersonandfocusonwhatyoudohavecontrolover.Stoptheblamegameandtakeresponsibilityfor

problemsyou’vecontributedto.Userespectfulandhonestassertivecommunication.

Chapter 11

ANXIETY-

REDUCTIONMAINTENANCE

HowtoKeepItGoing

“Lifeistenpercent

whatyouexperienceandninetypercenthowyourespondto

it.”

—DorothyM.Neddermeyer

Imagine that you’rethe director of a filmabout your life and,untilnow,yourfieldofvision through thecamera lens has beenlimited by your free-

floating anxiety. Alsoimaginethatduetothetypes of imbalancedthinking stylesdiscussed in previouschapters,yourfilmhasbeen restricted to aseries of narrow,

close-up shots thathave deprived you ofseeing past what’sdirectlyinfrontofyouand, more important,seeing what’s aroundyou. Opening up yourmindandalteringyour

thoughtprocesscanbelikepullingthecameraback to a wide-angleview of your life andembracing thepanorama—the bigpicture.

BECOMINGTHEDIRECTOR OFYOUR LIFEAs the director of your film,knowing how to access thebigpicturewhenyouneedtohelps to reduce anxiety byallowingyoutoeditthestory

and cut down anxiousthoughts tosizeanddecreasetheir proportions. The close-up vision doesn’t allow forclear, rational thoughts, soyou may tend to react as ifyou’re trapped. Once thathappens, anxiety creeps in,andfearcancomesoonafter.Zoomingoutandviewingthe

big picture providesalternative and open-endedpossibilitiesthathelpyouseebeyond the limiting walls ofyournegativethinking.Inthischapter,I’llprescribe

daily maintenance exercisesto assist in the process ofaccessing the bigger pictureofyourlifewhenyoustartto

get anxious thoughts orexperience emotionalreactivity.Theirpurposeis tohelp pull back the camerafrom the close-up on yourmind and instead restructureyour automatic responses tostressful situations. Bycompletingtheseexercisesonadailybasisandmaintaining

a steady routine of checkingin with yourself, your mindcanshift frombeingavictimof your thoughts to being anobserver of them. This shiftsyoufromanxiousreactionstorationalreflection.Thefollowing threewriting

exercises are based intraditional cognitive

behavioraltherapytechniquesdeveloped byAaronT.Beckand rational emotive therapytechniques developed byAlbert Ellis. Theirgroundbreaking techniqueshave been widely used for avariety of conditions andhave become therapeuticstandardsformanyclinicians.

Thesetypesofexerciseshaveproventobeveryeffective ifused consistently over asignificant period of time.I’ve put my own spin onthem.

OBSERVE ANDIDENTIFYEXERCISE

Begin the first exercise byidentifying your negativethoughts and categorizingthemaccordingtothreeoftheconcepts I’ve discussedthroughoutthisbook:

DualisticmindConsensusrealityIllusionofcontrol

Seeifyoucandistinguishonethinking style from another.When you feel anxious orstressed about anything, bigor small, try to shift intoobservermode. Pay attentionto it, identify what it is andlog it in. Over time you’llsharpen your thought-identificationskillsandbegin

to grasp that your beliefs,whichcreatethethoughts,arepartoftheoldonesyoumadeup years ago. So when youobserve and identify anynegative thoughts that youcanrecognizeasfallingunderthose categories, you willthen try your best todismantle those beliefs and

takeawaytheirpower.

MAKE YOUROWNWORKSHEETSUse the following worksheetby filling in the boxesassignedtothethreenegativethinking styles. Identify

which of the three stylesapplies to your situation andstate the facts about thestimulus that triggered youranxiety. Then define thenegative thought or thenegative interpretation thatyou have attached to thesituation. Observing andidentifying your negative

thinking styles in thisexercisewill prepare you forthe Replacement Thoughtsexercise that follows theworksheet.In theworksheet you’ll see

examples of three negativethoughts attached to threesituations under all threecategories.Use the examples

as a guide to help you learnhow to observe your ownnegative ones. Copy theworksheet intoanotebookorin a document on yourcomputer and use it for yourownthoughtseveryday.

DAILY DIARY OF

THOUGHTS:EXERCISE #1

OBSERVE AND IDENTIFY

OBSERVEDualisticMind—ThinkinginExtremes

NOTICEYOURTHINKINGTHISWEEK

Observe:DidIuseextremethinkingtoday(suchasgoodorbad,rightorwrong,strongorweak,smartorstupid)?

Situation:Duetoanunexpectedworkemergency,Iwaslatepickingupmychildrenfrom

school.

Negativethought:IfeellikeabadparentwhenIhavetomakemychildrenwaitforme.Agoodparentwouldnotbelate.

OBSERVEConsensusReality—

ClingingtoFixedThinking

NOTICEYOURTHINKINGTHISWEEKObserve:DidIengageinusingabsolutewordssuchasnever,always,should,shouldn’t,everyone,noone?

Situation:Iattendedaweddingandababyshower

fortwoclosefriendsinthesamemonth.

Negativethought:Everyoneofmygirlfriendsismarriedandhavingkids.Atthirty-two,Ishouldbemarriedwithafamilybynow.NowIamtoooldandIwillnevermeetMr.Right.

Allmenwantyoungerwomen.Iwillalwaysbealone.Ishouldn’thavelistenedtomyparentsandgonetolawschool.

OBSERVEIllusionofControl—SeekingControlinResultsOrientation

NOTICEYOURTHINKINGTHISWEEKObserve:DidItrytoseekresultsbytryingtobeperfect,beingapeoplepleaserorworryingaboutthefuture?

Situation:MybosslookedupsetthismorningwhenI

arrivedatwork.

Negativethought:Heisupsetwithmefornotperformingwellonthejob.IamgoingtogetapoorreviewandIwillnotgetthepromotionorIwillgetfired.Mylifeisover!

Date/Time:

YourSituation:

YourNegativeThought:

YourResponse:

REPLACEMENTTHOUGHTSEXERCISE

After you’ve practicedobserving your negativethoughts and labeling themaccording to the threecategories, in the nextexercise you will respond tothe thoughts withReplacement Thoughts viathe Five-Minute Rule. Thistwo-step exercise is training

your mind to not leavenegative thoughtsunchallenged, since thesekinds of unchallengedthoughts tend to snowballthroughout the day andescalateyouranxiety.Forthisexercise, every negativethought is seen as anopportunity to reframe it for

useasatoolinsteadofhavingitbeahindrance.Ittrainsyounot to run fromyouranxiousthoughts, but to takeadvantageofhavingthem.Remind yourself, I can be

reflective, not reactive.Automaticnegativeresponsesvia the three categoriesdescribed previously cause

reactivity and escalate stresslevels. But groundedstatements that arecontemplative in nature slowdown the reactivity, reduceemotional distress, and causeyoutoreflectonthesituation,which ultimately reducesstresslevels.Integrating Replacement

Thoughts into your mind islike having to restart yourcomputerinorderforthenewsoftware you just installed totakeeffect.Arestartdoesnotmean shutting down yourcomputer. It simply meansyou’readdinganewprogram.And with the newReplacement Thoughts

you’ve cultivated, you’ll notonly see the big picturementioned earlier, but you’llalso begin to establish newways of thinking that canultimatelyforceyoutocreateyourownreality.As with Exercise 1 in this

chapter, any anxiety will beyour cue. When you feel it

coming on, break out thisworksheetanddo stepone—identify the negative thoughtyou have based on thesituation.Thendosteptwo—takefiveminutestoreflectonthe situation and replace thatthought with a grounded,more realistic thought thatdoesnotinclude:

All-or-nothingwordslikegoodorbad,rightorwrong,strongorweak(dualisticmind)Absoluteslikeshould,neverandalways(consensusreality)Seekingperfection,

peoplepleasingandimmediateresults(illusionofcontrol)

Remember that aReplacement Thought is achallenge to the old ways ofthinking thatyou’veclung tofor many years. It may notcome easy at first, but over

time, if you formulategrounded statements thatdon’t involve the kind oflanguage used in the threecategories describedpreviously, you’ll feel lessanxious. Be mindful aboutnot allowing any thoughtsthat speak to a need forperfection or illusion of

control tocreep inwhileyoudo the exercise. Look forprogress, not perfection. Forhelp with formulatingReplacement Thoughts,reviewtheexamplesgiveninChapters 3, 4 and 5. Theseare very generic ones, andyourownthoughtsneedtobeexpanded to include explicit

details of your uniquesituation.In addition, it may be

helpful to review Chapter 7,sinceitincludesReplacementThought examples that gointodeeperandmoredetailedfeelings that can help youformulate your own. InExercise 2, you’ll see an

example of three negativethoughts attached to threesituations under all threecategorieswithanexampleofa Replacement Thought.Make your own grid in anotebook or on yourcomputer.

DAILY DIARY OFTHOUGHTS:EXERCISE #2REPLACEMENT

THOUGHTS—FIVE-MINUTE RULE

IdentifiedNegativeThinkingStyle#1

DualisticMind—ThinkinginExtremes:AmIusingextremethinkingtoday(suchasgoodorbad,rightorwrong,strongorweak,smartorstupid)?

ActivatingEvent:Whathappenedtodaythatgotmesoupset?

Situation:Duetoanunexpectedworkemergency,Iwaslatepickingupmychildrenfromschool.

Negativethought:IfeellikeabadparentwhenIhavetomakemychildrenwaitforme.Agoodparentwouldnotbelate.

ReplacementThought—Five-MinuteRule:Taketimetostepbackandrespondreflectivelyinsteadofreactively.

Response:Wait!Stop!ThereIgoagain.JustbecauseIamlateonceinawhiledoesnotmakemeall

bad.TherearemanyotherwaysIamalovingandconscientiousmother.

Fortoday,I’llacceptthatbeingamothermeansthatmypeaceofmindrestsinthegrayareasofmylife.I’mnotgoodorbad:Iamokay.

IdentifiedNegativeThinkingStyle#2

ConsensusReality—ClingingtoFixedThinking:AmIusingabsolutewordssuchasnever,always,should,shouldn’t,everyone,noone?

ActivatingEvent:

Situation:Iattendedaweddingandababyshowerfortwoclosefriendsinthesamemonth.

Negativethought:Everyoneofmygirlfriendsismarriedandhavingkids.Atthirty-two,Ishouldbemarriedwithafamilybynow.NowIamtoooldandI

willnevermeetMr.Right.Allmenwantyoungerwomen.Iwillalwaysbealone.Ishouldn’thavelistenedtomyparentsandgonetolawschool.

ReplacementThought—Five-MinuteRule:

Response:Slowdown!Who

saysthatthirty-twoistoooldtogetmarriedandhavekids?Andwhereisitwrittenthatoneshouldbemarriedbythirty-twoanyway?Thesedayswomenaregettingmarriedandhavingkidsintheir40’s.SayingIwillalwaysbealoneisan“absolute”statement.

Plus,choosingtobecomealawyerhasbeenmylifelongdream.There’snothingwrongwithbeingambitious.

IdentifiedNegativeThinkingStyle#3

IllusionofControl—

SeekingControlinResultsOrientation:AmIseekingresultsbytryingtobeperfect,beingapeoplepleaserorworryingaboutthefuture?

ActivatingEvent:

Situation:MybosslookedupsetthismorningwhenI

arrivedatwork.

Negativethought:Heisupsetwithmefornotperformingwellonthejob.IamgoingtogetapoorreviewandIwillnotgetthepromotionorIwillgetfired.Mylifeisover!

ReplacementThought—

Five-MinuteRule:

Response:Holdonaminute!Ican’tbeperfectonthejobbutIknowthatI’vedonemybest.IfIdon’tgetthepromotion,itdoesn’tmeanmylifeisover.Myself-worthasapersonisnotdependentonmyjob.Iam

goodatmanyotherthings.

Plus,howdoIknowforsuremybossismadatme?Ihavenocontrolovermyboss’smoods.Idon’thavethatkindofsupremacyoveranyone.

Date/Time:

YourSituation:

YourNegativeThought:

YourResponse:

BREAKINGDOWN YOURTHOUGHTSNow that your negativethought identification and

Replacement Thought skillsare getting sharper andyou’vepracticedwiththefirsttwo exercises, it’s time totake thenext stepbyusing ahandy worksheet that willdeepenyourability to reduceanxiety even more. Thisexercise is slightly differentthan the last one and more

accessible so you can take itwith you and fill it out anytimeoftheday.Thisexerciseis the go-to, nuts-and-boltsworksheet that my patientshave used most often. It’seasyandquicktofilloutandliterally breaks down athought into five easy-to-understand stages. It’s the

most efficient way to helpyou de-escalate yoursymptoms in the moment bygroundingyou inahere-and-nowtask.I’ve discovered that in the

midst of breaking downthoughts in this fashion, theprocess itself can disarm anegative thought and strip it

of its power and credibility.Consequently,astimepasses,itcanhelpyoustoptheracingthoughts and calmyoudownmore rapidly. Instead ofallowing yourself to bevulnerable to your spinninganxious thoughts by white-knucklingitonyourownandhoping the angst will go

away, the act of filling outthisworksheetwill empoweryou.Thiscanhelpyougetsofamiliar with breaking downyour thoughts this way thatyou begin to do itautomatically in your headwithout needing theworksheetinfrontofyou.Thisexerciseaddstwonew

features to the mix—assessment and evaluation.The assessment stage of thethought breakdown asks youtorateyouranxietylevelonascaleof1to10(1beingverylow anxiety and 10 beingvery high). This gives you apoint of reference to be ableto see your anxiety decrease

every time you use theworksheet. The evaluationstage also asks you to rateyour anxiety level afteryou’ve cultivated a newReplacement Thought. Asyou complete the worksheet,you’ll see the evaluationanxiety rate levels decreasefrom the assessment levels.

Breakdownyour thoughts ina five-part worksheet usingtheacronymSNARE.

SituationNegativethoughtAssessmentReplacementthoughtEvaluation

Situation: Write down the

actual situation or event thattriggered your anxiety, onlystating the facts about whathappened. It doesn’t involveyour personal opinionor anyinterpretation or appraisal ofthe situation—just thephysical truth. Keep it asbasic as possible, such asStuck in freeway traffic and

running late for myappointmentwithaclient.Negative thought: Write

down the immediateautomatic negative thoughtthatpopsintoyourmindasaresult of the aforementionedsituation. As in previousexercises, the negativethought will have aspects of

one or all three of thenegative thinking stylesdiscussedinthischapter.Thenegativethoughtis,ofcourse,your interpretation of thesituation and it’s often yourirrationalordistortedviewofthe event or trigger. Thenegative thought stage is thelynchpin to your anxiety

rising and falling. It’s thefocalpointofyourangst,notthesituation.When documenting your

negative thought, try to pushthe interpretation as far asyou can—be as irrational aspossible and take your mostfearful thoughts to the limit.Allow it to snowball until it

starts to sound absurd. Themore absurdity you can putinto your thinking, the moreyou dismantle its power andcredibility:

Oh, no, I’m always late.Myclientswon’ttakemeseriously and I’ll lookirresponsible.

Thenpush it further andask,whatwillhappennext?

If my clients don’t takeme seriously and I lookirresponsible, I’ll behumiliated and lose myjob.

Thenyouwillpush it furtheragain and ask, what will

happennext?

IfIgetfiredfrommyjob,my wife will leave meandI’llbeallalone.

Next?

IfmywifeleavesmeandI don’t have a job, I’lllose everything. I’ll behomeless and fade into

obscurity and perhapsevendieanearlydeath.

Clearly, the last response isthe most extreme, the mostreactiveand themostabsurd.Thiswouldbe theone to login your worksheet. Most ofthe time when I ask mypatients topush theenvelopeand snowball the negative

thoughtuntilitstartstosoundabsurdasIjustdemonstrated,they resist because it’s tooscary to do. They’re used toleaving negative thoughtsunchallenged, which is amistake. So I remind themthatit’scriticaltosnowballitbecausewhileyoumaynotbeconscious of it in the

moment, the ultimate fear ofending up alone or dying anearlydeathseemstooftenbewhat people fear the most.It’sthecommonthemeatthetail end of most extremenegativethoughts.Leaving the thought

unchallenged allows it tofester in your mind, and it

remains hazardouslyuntapped. I always say, “Getto the root and give it theboot.” A turning point iswhenyoustarttoseethatonereason you get so anxious isthattheperceptionyoucreatewith your thoughts can oftenoutrageously jump frombeinglateforanappointment

to losing everything that’sprecious to you. When thatbecomes clear, your rationalawareness can kick in andnew thinking can start tounfold. This helps you seethat, in reality, it’s too big aleap, and balanced thinkingalso exists in between thatunreasonable chasm of

thinking. So the moreirrational you get during thisexercise, the better. Anddoingitoverandoverfurtherhelps dismantle the negativethought.Assessment:Pauseanduse

the Five-Minute Rule toreflectonthethought.Definewhat you feel and rate your

anxietyonascaleof1to10.Rating your anxiety providesabeneficialpointofreferencethat helps you observe howyour anxiety rises and fallssimplybywhat thoughtsyouentertain.For example, thinking you

may lose everything that’sprecious to you because

you’re stuck on the freewaywillmostcertainlyproduceatleastan8or9ontheanxietyscale.Reflectingorusing theFive-MinuteRulemaytriggeryou to recognize that ifyou’resimplystuck in trafficand if your anxiety is high,thismustmeanmorethanjustbeing scared of being late.

That insight will be thespringboard for theReplacement Thought,whichisthenextstage.Replacement thought:

Creating ReplacementThoughts isoften thehardestpart of the thoughtbreakdown. But by now,you’ve had practice with

formulatingyourownrationalthoughts and begun theprocessofcreatingyourownreality. Your ReplacementThought is the rational andbig-picture response. AReplacement Thoughtchallenges the negativethoughtbelief that fuelsyouranxiety.

This can be the mostdifficult stage. You’re likelytostruggle,atleastatfirst,tocome up with rationalthoughtsonyourown.Oneofthe tricks you can use is topretend that you’re helping agood friend come up withsome.Askyourself,ifaclosefriend came to me with the

same situation and washaving the same type ofextreme negative thoughts,what would I say to him orher?More than likely, you’dfind it easier to help yourfriend come up with kinderthoughts than you would foryourself. So let’s say yourfriend goes through the

exampleofbeinglatebecauseoftrafficandtellsyou:

IfmywifeleavesmeandI don’t have a job, I’lllose everything. I’ll behomeless and fade intoobscurity and perhapsevendieanearlydeath.

As a caring person, you’d

probably respond withcompassion and may offersome Replacement Thoughtsthatmayactuallycometoyouwithout trying hard to refutethat thought. If you careabout this person, you’dprobably suggest a morerational thought becauseyou’d want to help your

friend feel better. So thatsame conscientiousness youpossess must be used forhelping yourself see a betterpicture. An exampleReplacement Thought mightbe:

Wait! Slow down. “Loseeverything” is anabsolute statement.

That’s my anxietytalking.Beinglateforanappointment does notnecessarily mean therewill be negativeramifications. I can callahead from my cellphoneandletthemknowthere was unexpectedtraffic. Plus, being stuck

in traffic that makes melate has very little to dowith losing my wife ordying.

Evaluation:Thislaststageissimply evaluating how youfeelaftercomingupwithandaccepting the ReplacementThought. Now rate youranxiety on the 1 to 10 scale

again. Then frame aconclusion about the entirebreakdown of the thoughtitself.

Whatdoyouthinkaboutthesituationnow?Howdoyouviewthesituationwhen

youlookatthebigpicture?

For example, an evaluationentrymightbe:

My anxiety level isslightly lower at 7. Andalthough I may getanxious again if I’m alittle late, I can manage

itbetterbyidentifyingmynegative thoughts. I’mrealizing that I have atendency to overreactand blow minorsituations out ofproportion.Ineedtousethe Five-Minute Rulemore often and pausebefore I jump toanxious

conclusions.

ThefollowingisthecompleteSNAREmethodexercise thatincludes the assessment andevaluation sections. Copy itinto a notebook or in adocument on your computer.Leave enough room to writedown everything you comeup with for every day. Use

each line starting in thesituationstage to log in threedifferent situationsthroughout the day. Whenyouwrite down yours, makeentries for each stage thatfollowstocorrespondtoeachnumber. For example, thesituationreferredtoin#1willcorrespond to #1 all through

the exercise, and the samewith#2and#3.The#1intheexercise is a sample that youcan use as a guideline foryourownthoughts.

DAILY DIARY OFTHOUGHTS:EXERCISE #3

REPLACEMENTTHOUGHTS—

ASSESSMENT ANDEVALUATION: SNARE

METHOD

Situation:Aneventorsituationthattriggersstressandanxiety.Notejustthefacts.

1. Sample:Iamstuckonthefreeway,andIwillbelateforanappointment.

2.

3.

Negativethought:Writeyourautomaticnegative

thoughtaboutthesituation.Whatisyourpersonalinterpretationoftheevent?Beasirrationalaspossible.Allowyournegativethoughttosnowballuntilitsoundsabsurd.

1. Sample:Ifitmakesmelate,I’llgetfired

andloseeverything.I’lldieanearlydeath.

2.

3.

Assessment:Whatareyoufeelingasaresultofthenegativethought?Usethe

Five-MinuteRuletoreflectandassess.Ratethedegreeofanxietyonascaleof1to10.

1. Sample:Iamscaredandanxious.Myanxietyisata9!

2.

3.

Replacementthought:Enterarational(bigpicture)responsethatchallengesyournegativethought.Pretendyouweregivingthesameadvicetoagoodfriend.Whatwouldyousay?

1. Sample:Stop!Beinglateissometimespartoflifeandcouldnotbehelpedtoday.Iamblowingthisoutofproportion.“Losingeverything”isanirrationalstatement.Iwillcallonmycellandletthemknow

aheadoftime.Beyondthat,Ihavenocontroloverthissituation,period.

2.

3.

Evaluation:What’syouranxietylevelonascaleof1

to10afterimplementingaReplacementThought?What’syourconclusion?Whatdoyouthinkofyournegativethoughtnow?

1. Sample:Okay,myanxietyisstillhigh,butithasdecreasedtoa7.Iamokayonce

Itakefiveminutestoreflect.Iamstartingtoseemypatternsofreactingtoofast.

2.

3.

Now that you have tools toidentify, break down and de-

escalate your negativethoughts on your own, test itfor several months. Fill outthe worksheets as best youcan, whenever you can. Payattention to your anxietyratingscales.As timepasses,are you scoring lower whenanxiety is initially triggered?And once you create a

ReplacementThought,doesitdecrease quicker? Duringthose months, it’s importanttostructureyourtimewisely,too. I recommend keeping aDaily Accountability Diary,which I’ll describe later inthischapter.MypatientRafaelisagood

example of someone who

usedthiseffectively.Heusedto white-knuckle his anxietyepisodes by innocentlyhoping he could somehowwill his mind to stop racingwith stressful thoughts. Hediscovered that merelywishing and praying for theanxietytogoawayonitsowndidn’t work. These exercises

helped because they forcedhim to act instead of beingvictimized by his negativethoughts. Writing down hisnegative thoughts helpeddisarm their power. Byblueprinting his thoughtprocesses and seeing howsimple yet complex theywere, especially with the

SNAREmethod,hegroundedhimself in the here and nowand got a visual of howabsurd his anxious thoughtsreallywere.Heoftensaidthatthe most significant part oftheexercise forhimwas thatit forced him to cultivateReplacement Thoughts thathe’dneverhave imaginedon

his own. It opened up hismind to new possibilities ofthinking that surprised him.And usually by the time hefilled out a few worksheets,his anxiety would alreadybegin to diminish a bit. Thisinspired an immediate senseof hope for him because hesawresultshappenquickly.

BUILDINGRESPONSIBILITYCreating personalaccountability on a dailybasis is another importantaspect of reducing anxiety.Onewayyoucanaccomplishthisistocommittotakemoreresponsibilityforyourlifeby

structuring your time andenergy wisely. It may soundobvious and trite but aftermany years of treatingpatients with anxiety, I’verecognizedhowmanyoftheirsymptomsaredirectlyrelatedto a lack of structure andintegrating meaningfulactivitiesintodailyliving.

In Chapter 6 I discussedhow being accountable foryour choices and takingresponsibility for them canerase guilt and regrets in thefuture. It’s time—right now—to take action and committo that action. Taking thisresponsibility prevents youfrom expecting others to do

things for you. It also stopsyou from relying on externalcircumstances to somehowmiraculously make you feelbetter. When you’reaccountable,youlearntofeelempowered because youbegin to rely on yourself—plainandsimple.Plus,asyouknow, idle time for an

anxiousmindisfertilegroundfor extreme negativethinking. In fact it’s theultimate greenhouse effect—the perfect climate fornegativethoughtstotakerootin your head. Your brainwasn’t designed to be leftunstimulated. You needhealthypreoccupationtokeep

you from falling victim toexcessive worry over thingsyoucannotcontrol.I’ve often believed that if

youstrippedhumanbeingsofall their responsibilities anddaily activities for a fewmonthsandhadthemsitwiththeiridlemindslikemonksina monastery, there would be

complete pandemonium.People would go stir-crazy,not just out of boredom orfrom a lack of stimulation.They’d start to unnecessarilyoverexamine their mortalityand freak themselves outabout knowing that we’ll alldieoneday,butnotknowingwhen. As a result, people

would worry and fixate somuch on the inevitable endthattheirqualityoflifecoulddiminish drastically. Thebottom line is that you haveyourlifetolive.And, since you have no

control over your mortality,it’s important to focus onwhat you do have control

over, and that is right now.Your mind needs structure,structure, structure. Did Imention that it needsstructure?When you providethatforyourself,youranxietycanbecontrolled.Obviously,having too much idle timedoesn’t mean that you’llalways be fixated on death,

but instead you mayovermagnify or obsess overproblems thatwouldn’tbesosignificant if you werepreoccupied with healthyhere-and-nowthingstodo.Sothe next time you complainabout having to floss yourteeth or take out the trash,remember, even seemingly

mundanetasksorchoreshelpyou reduce anxiety by notoverfixating on everydayissues.The following exercise can

help you preempt theboredom trigger and themortality freak-out triggerbyplanning out structure everyday so you have very few

pocketsofunstimulatedtime.Everyeveningbeforeyougoto bed, take out your DailyAccountability Diaryworksheet and begin to mapout what you’re going to dotomorrow,bythehour.Ifyouhave a job or are getting aneducation, you can stillblueprintwhatyou’llworkon

throughout the day. Then,plan your evenings the sameway. If you aren’t currentlyworking or in school, thenyourfocusisalittledifferent.Planoutyourdaybythehouras best you can. If you can’tthink of things to do, projectoutwhat you’d like to do orwhat you hope you’ll get to

do.Puttingitouttherecreatessomeaccountability, andyoumay actually do it if it’s inwriting.Consider things like taking

a walk, meeting a friend forcoffee, going to buygroceries, doing laundry,cleaningyour living spaceorgoingtoseeamovie.Usethe

worksheet that follows torecordyourplan.Copyitintoa notebookor in a documenton your computer. Each boxunder a specific hour islabeled as Activity andWork/Chore. Clearlydistinguishbetweenthosetwoand separate them from eachother. Fill the boxes from

when you wake up to whenyou go to sleep. Use thesamples for Monday inExercise#4asaguideline.

DAILYACCOUNTABILITYDIARY: EXERCISE

#4

MONDAY(asample)

9:00a.m.

Activity:Takingawalkwiththedogstothelocalparkfor30minutes.

Work/Chore:N/A

10:00a.m.

Activity:N/A

Work/Chore:Cleaningupthegarageandmakingroomforstoragespace.

11:00a.m.

Activity:Meetingafriendforcoffee.

Work/Chore:N/A

Noon

Activity:N/A

Work/Chore:Takingmylaptoptodoresearchaftermeetingmyfriend.

TUESDAY

9:00a.m.

Activity:

Work/Chore:

10:00a.m.

Activity:

Work/Chore:

11:00a.m.

Activity:

Work/Chore:

Noon

Activity:

Work/Chore:

WEDNESDAY

9:00a.m.

Activity:

Work/Chore:

10:00a.m.

Activity:

Work/Chore:

11:00a.m.

Activity:

Work/Chore:

Noon

Activity:

Work/Chore:

THURSDAY

9:00a.m.

Activity:

Work/Chore:

10:00a.m.

Activity:

Work/Chore:

11:00a.m.

Activity:

Work/Chore:

Noon

Activity:

Work/Chore:

FRIDAY

9:00a.m.

Activity:

Work/Chore:

10:00a.m.

Activity:

Work/Chore:

11:00a.m.

Activity:

Work/Chore:

Noon

Activity:

Work/Chore:

SATURDAY

9:00a.m.

Activity:

Work/Chore:

10:00a.m.

Activity:

Work/Chore:

11:00a.m.

Activity:

Work/Chore:

Noon

Activity:

Work/Chore:

SUNDAY

9:00a.m.

Activity:

Work/Chore:

10:00a.m.

Activity:

Work/Chore:

11:00a.m.

Activity:

Work/Chore:

Noon

Activity:

Work/Chore:

As you get into the habit offilling in the worksheet forthe next day, youmay beginto notice that you feel moregrounded in day-to-dayliving,whichalsohelpskeepanxiety down. This exercisehelped me a lot during mytrying days with anxiety.Structure and accountability

everydaymademe focusonsomething other than myracingthoughts.Myrecoverybecame my job and I didn’twant to fail. In fewwords, itgave me my life back byforcingme toworkharder atcreating my own reality foreachday.

Chapter 12

MAKING

PEACEWITHYOUR

ANXIETY

SurrenderingtheFight,Notthe

Cause

“Therealvoyageofdiscoveryconsistsnot

inseeingnewlandscapes,butinhavingneweyes.”

—MarcelProust

Making peace withyour anxiety so youcanstopfightingitisaconcept used ineveryday mindfulnesstraining that was firstintroducedtomeyears

ago.WhenIfirstheardit, I thought it wasridiculous. Othersmight be capable of“making peace” withtheir anxiety, but notme! I saw myself asterminally unique.My

anxiety was just toointense tosubmit to it.Besides, I firmlybelieved that if I evergaveup thebattle andsurrendered to mysymptoms,atorrentofevengreater andmore

menacing anxietyattacks wouldoverwhelmmeandI’dbecome incapacitated.Then I’dgocrazyandlosemymind.Aslongas I held tight to mytenuousgrasponwhat

wasleftofmysanity,Ithought I was safer.But eventually Irealized that the verysame tenuous grasp Iheld fast to and theexhausting effort I putintoiteverydaymade

mefeelworse.

TAKING THESTING OUT OFANXIETYYears later, I discovered thatin the process of usingmindfulness properly,surrender doesn’t mean

givinguporallowingmyselfto be overtaken by anxiety. IlearnedthatifIletgoinsmallincrements and allowedmyself to be present in theanxiety for brief periods oftime, I developed moretolerance tomysymptomsasI began to see that I couldendurethepain.Gettingused

tomyanxietymeantmybrainwas getting used to the fear,and it allowed the fear todecrease in strength. Gettingmore comfortable with mysymptoms helped me buildemotional tolerance and alsoraised my distress threshold.And I learned that letting goand surrendering did not

mean throwing in the towel.IttaughtmethatIcouldworkon my anxiety and get wellby rational means and it’sokay to try somethingdifferent. I didn’t have tofightanymore.The ideaofnot feedingmy

anxietyandgivingitsomuchpowerhelpedalot.Itallowed

metonotbelieveandgivesomuch importance to everyanxiousthoughtIentertained.This led me to understandthat, for now, anxiety was apartofmeandIneededtoletit runitscourse.Inherbook,When Things Fall Apart,Pema Chodron talks about ayoung warrior who was

taught that she had to dobattle with fear, which shedidn’twanttodo.Herteacherinsisted she fight. Beforebattle,thestudentwarriorfeltsmall next to fear, whichlooked big and angry to her.Sheaskedfearforpermissiontogointobattle.Fearthankedher for showing respect by

asking. The warrior askedhow she could defeat fear.Fear said that when it usestactics to get the warriorunnerved, she’ll dowhateverfearsays.Butifyoudon’tdowhatitsays,ithasnopower.Ironically, the warrior

defeated fear by not fightingit.Sheputherweaponsdown

and instead of engaging incombat chosenot to listen tothe words fear uttered. Thisstory illustrates the kind ofinner dialogue I encouragemy patients to begin havingabout their fearful, anxiousthoughts.Responding toyourthoughts is better thanrunningfromthem.Asinthe

previouschapter, this typeofinternal discourse also helpsto transform the anxiousexperience of being a victimofyourthoughtstoyoubeingmore of an observer of them—and gaining power overthem. By successfullyresolving a major conflictwith peaceful tactics, the

warrior averted a lengthybattle,which could have hadcostly results. By beingrational, she choseintellectual methods overemotionalones.Anxiety management

doesn’thavetobeastruggle.It’s sometimes about lettinggo and surrendering. If you

committothepossibilitythatlooking at things differentlymight ease your anxiety, thepotential results are endless.Therefore, a good goal is tonotfightorwalkawayorquitor give up. Instead, view thesamefeelingswithneweyes.Wayne Dyer says, “Whenyouchangethewayyoulook

at things, thethingsyoulookatchange.”So,ifyouchangehow you look at fear andanxiety, then those emotionscanstarttochangesoyoucanallowyourselftofeelbetter.

SURRENDERINGAs a psychotherapist I try toguidepatientstofindandstay

on their path to self-actualization. Since I believethatallpeopleare capable ofthis goal, as a facilitator intheir life journey Ihelp themlearn how to removeimpediments that get in theirway, including anxiety andfear.Surrenderisnecessaryintheprocessofbeingarational

warrior because youmust becourageous as you sever anynegativebehavior that’sbeenabarriertoyourgrowth.Youneed to surrender tonegativebehaviors learned from yourpast that you still struggle tobreak free from since thisbehavior still gives you theillusionofsafetyandsecurity.

This isn’t simple. No onelikes to surrender anything.Butit’snecessaryifyouwanttofeelmorerelaxed.In this context, surrender

doesn’t mean to give up,concede defeat or becomecomplacent about what’sgoing on. It also doesn’tmean grovel, submit or let

others have their way withyou either. It simply meansthat you choose to makepeacewith anxiety by givingup thewretched fight.But atthesametime,youdon’tgiveupyourgoaltogrowandnotlet anxiety rule. Just like theyoung warrior put down herweapons and surrendered old

defense mechanisms, even ifthey sometimes bringtemporary relief, you can,too. Surrender means lettinggoofbehavior that’sdone inanattempttocreatesafetybutinsteadimpairsyourabilitytochange.Surrender can be effective

when you do it by using

rational tactics. To assist inthepracticeofsurrenderinginrational ways and steppinginto theunknown, readaloudthe affirmations that followandletthemhelpyouprocesshow to surrender to youradvantage. They can alsoremind you of rational waysto view your anxiety. Use

them as often as needed. Ifanyreallystrikeachordwithyou,writethemdownandputthem where you see themoften.

Surrenderdoesn’tmeangivinginorconcedingdefeattomyanxiety.

Surrenderdoesn’tmeangrovelingorsubmittingtomyanxiety.It’sokaytofeelsomeanxietyoccasionally.It’sokaytoletmyguarddownandtrustthatIcanhandle

this.Beingpresentwithmyanxietyfromtimetotimehelpsbuildemotionaltolerance.Idon’thavetolistentowhatmyanxietytellsme.Idon’tneedto

controlmyenvironmenttofeelsafe.Feelinganxiousisanopportunityformetobeginadialoguewithit.WheneverI’manxious,I’llstayintheintellectualmind

insteadoftheemotionalone.I’llallowanxietytorunitscourse.I’lltrynottobelieveeverythingIthink.

DEVELOPINGA SPIRITUALALIGNMENT

Spirituality is derived fromtheLatinwordspiritus,whichmeanstobreathe.Initselfit’sa very personal andsubjective practice that has adifferent meaning foreveryone. A very basic wayto define spirituality in thecontext of this book is thatit’s related to your

consciousness, yourawarenessofyourselfandthequality of your relationshipswith others. Spiritualalignmenthelpsyoudiscovertheessenceofwhoyoureallyare as an individual so youcan align that corewithyourpersonalvalues.When you have a spiritual

“aha!” moment, or a mind-shiftepiphany like theyoungwarrior did in the story, itopens your eyes to the newlight that has been shedon asituation.Youmightevenseeitasgainingwisdombecause,in that very moment, you’velearned something pivotal.Your depth of vision will

profoundlyexpandandyou’llfeel stronger and moreconfident. Many of mypatients have reported thatwhen they have thesemoments,theyfeellessaloneandmoreconnectedtoothers.Finding your spiritualalignmentcansupportyou inmanagingyouranxiety.

You can look at manyconceptsinthisbookasbeingin alignment with the literaldefinition of spirituality.Beingabletobreathecanalsobe an analogy for acquiringthe freedom to unburdenyourself from the suffocatingshackles of anxiety and fear.Balanced thoughts that are

reflectiveandnotreactiveandinvolve process orientationleadtobehaviorthatcouldbeconsidered part of a spiritualpractice since it puts you intouchwith howyou feelandguides you to handlesituations in less anxiety-producing ways. Challengingthe consensus reality you’ve

always followed andredefining fixed beliefsyou’ve held on to for manyyears means that you lookinside for changingyour life.Even realizing that you havethe freedom and power toalter your behavior bybecomingamoreaccountableperson brings you back to

yourinnercore.Nurturing your spiritual

alignment canmake you feelsupportedandmuchstronger,whichallowsyou tobemoresecure about making thechanges needed to manageyour anxiety. When you’renot anxious and you’realigned with the balanced

thinking I’ve discussedthroughout this book, you’llfeel lighter and able tobreathe more easily. Youdon’t need control overanything or anyone, and youaloneareresponsibleforyourhappiness.Therefore,youarefree.

MYAWAKENINGThe first time I connectedwith a deeper awareness ofmy own anxiety was in myearly twenties, afterbeginning therapy. Myanxiety was excessive at thetime—betweena7and7.5on

the scale. I was unable towork and do the things Iwanted to do. My quality oflifewaspoor,tosaytheleast.Although I didn’t know it atthe time, themain reason formy dysfunction was that Iwas desperately resisting mysymptoms.Idideverythinginmy power to avoid any

discomfort.My threshold forpaintolerancewasverylow.Ikept repeating, “I can’t standit; I can’t stand it!” I wasunaware of the concept ofletting go as a means tosoothe anxiety, so I naivelykept up the fight. I wasbasically running frommyself,butIhadnocluethat

Iwasdoingso.One day in therapy, my

anxietyhadspikedtonearlya10 after a scary argumentwith my father the nightbefore.InthosedaysIhadnovoice against my father’swrath and felt oppressed andpowerless to go up againsthim. My suppressed rage

turnedintoanxiety.Unsteadywithangst, Ibeganpacing inmy therapist’s office as Ioftendidwhenmysymptomsescalated. I was restless, mymind was spinning and Ibegan clawing at the cuticleson my fingers. Sometimes ifthepanicwasreallyintense,Ieven walked (or ran) out of

the office for a few minutesto get air. Or sometimes Ididn’t return to the sessionand would call my therapistfromthestreetandapologize.That same day, as I paced

back and forth, with mysymptoms mounting everysecond,mytherapistchangedher intervention strategy.

After she validated mydistress, she suggested, “I’dlikeyoutotryandbepresentwithit today.”Shehadneverasked me to do this beforebecause she knew I hadn’tbeen ready for it. So shewaiteduntiltherightmomentand knew it had to be rightthen.AfterIcalledherinsane

for even considering such anabsurd idea, she kindly andrespectfully ignored myrefusal and invited me againtotry.Suddenly,itdawnedonme that up until this point, Ihad avoided being presentwith my anxiety. After awhole life of not facing it, IknewIcouldsoeasilyescape

ityetagain.My instincts told me to

ignore her and flee as I hadalways done. But for somereasonthephrase“bepresentwithit”hunginmymindlikea dare. I was frozen yetmysteriously intriguedby theunknown. I vacillated since Istill couldnotbear to justbe

withtheintenseanxietyIwasexperiencing. I teeteredbetweenrunningoutthedooror staying inside and goingabsolutelycrazyorpsychotic.Reluctantly, I returned to thecouch and sat down. Myinner world was spiralingwithallkindsofcatastrophicthoughts about how I was

goingtodierightthereinheroffice. The more I spun, theworse the symptoms got. Ithought I was going toexplode. Fear and panicoverwhelmedmeasItriedtotake control using my usualmethods.Then I heard her voice

again. She said, “Right now,

your desire for this momenttobedifferent iscausingyoumoredistress thanyou think.Let itwashoveryou.Acceptthat you have anxiety at thismoment, just this moment.”She paused for a beat, andthenadded,“And Iwantyouto close your eyes and focusonyourbreathingforas long

asyoucan…nothingelse,justyour breathing. Can you dothat?” Even though I waschurning inside, I trusted herenough to step off theproverbial ledge. For a briefperiod, I let itwash overmeas she requested. I droppedmyweaponsandsurrendered.Tiny increments of

surrender were all I couldmusteratthetime,butitwasallIneededtobreaktheice.Iperformed the breathingexercise much like the one Ishareinthefollowingsectionand realized that focusing onthe inhaling and exhaling ofmybreathingasshepromptedme to dowas crucial for the

redirecting of my thoughts.Every deep breath I tookexpanded my consciousnessenough to open up spacearound the negative reflex ofescaping and avoiding. Itwasn’tseamlessoreasy,butIdid it. After executing thebreathing commands forabout ten minutes, I noticed

that my anxiety dropped toabout a 5. I felt slightlyencouraged feeling thedifference,eventhoughIwasbattered and drained by mysymptoms.The escape artist insideme

never wanted to be presentwith my anxiety ever again.ButIknewIhadtopersistin

doing it. For the next fewmonths, I continued thatintervention ritual in mytherapist’s office whether Iwas anxious or not. I evenbegan doing it at home. Theawareness that my resistancetotheanxietywascausingmysymptoms to exacerbate wasmonumental. My therapist

helpedme to slow downmyracing thoughts and alter thehardwiringI’dalwayshadofrunning from anxiety. Iaccepted the process ofrewiring how I managed it.Liketheyoungwarriorinthestory, in a complicated andpuzzling way I coped withmy surging anxiety by doing

the opposite of what myinstinctssaid todoandmadepeace with it. It was adetermining moment in mylifethatI’llneverforget.Inasenseitwasanawakeningofmyself.

DAILYMINDFULNESS

EXERCISEI’m going to share a dailymindfulnessexercisethatwillexpand your ability to alignyour consciousness with thespiritual outlook discussedearlier.Hopefully itwillhelpyou learn to breathe easierwhen you need to. It’s

anotherstepintheprocessofmaking peace with youranxiety. This exercise willalso use the affirmations andreplacement thoughts learnedearlier in this book.Mindfulness exercises openup the deeper areas of yourconsciousness that aresometimesunavailabletoyou

becauseyou’re stuck inwhatDeepak Chopra calls “theknown”—your dependenceon the “prison of pastconditioning.” In thisinstance, the pastconditioning can be clingingto fixed beliefs systems,thinking in a dualistic mindand going along with a

consensusreality.Don’tsavethisexercisejust

for moments when you feelvery anxious or stressed. It’sintended to help you buildyourmind-conditioningskillsover time and needs to bedone regularly. It will guideyou to build up the self-regulation or self-relaxation

muscle in your mind thatneeds a lot of training.Consider it like going to thegym for a workout, exceptthat this typeofworkout canbedoneintheprivacyofyourown home or anywhere forthat matter. By performingthis exercise regularly,you’llalso begin to lower your

everyday anxiety baseline,which is probably very high.If you suffer from anxiety,your baseline may behoveringbetweena7anda9.Lowering it to amanageable4or5on the scalewouldbethemostrealistic.I suggest thatyou try todo

the exercise once a day,

preferably in the morning,and then see how your daygoes.Intime,Ibetyou’llseea difference—feeling morerelaxedand lessburdenedbythe stressful factors thatimpede your life. Thisexercise shouldn’t take morethanfifteentotwentyminutesto complete and it is well

worthyourtime.Findyourselfacomfortable

placetositinyourhomeoratwork, in a quiet room orspace where you won’t bedisturbed for a while. Allowyourbacktobeuprighteitheragainstawallorthebackofachair. Let your arms andhandsrestonyourlaporyour

knees or wherever feelscomfortabletoyou.Ifyousitin a chair or couch, allowyour feet to rest flat on thefloor. If you sit on the floor,it’s best to fold your legsbeneath you. Before youbegin, rate your currentanxietyon a scaleof 1 to10like before. “Currently my

anxietyisa___.”Thencloseyoureyesandbegin.

BreathingThe first step in doing themeditationistotuneintoyourbreathing, which is animportant sensation of thebodythatyoumayneverpayattention to. Place your right

hand over your stomach.Whileholding it, takea slowand deep abdominal breaththat lifts both your stomachand chest. Let your breathpush your stomach out untilyou feel it expand.Feel bothyour stomach and chest risewith your hand still on it.Hold the breath for five

seconds, and then exhaleslowly through your mouth.Repeatthisfivetimes.Whenever you do this

abdominal breathing, keepyoureyesclosedandfocusonthe image of your stomachandchestrisingrhythmically.Pretend you’re outside ofyourself looking in as an

objectiveobserver.Youcouldalso focus on how the airfeels passing through yournose and down into yourlungsor imagine you are theair itself as you enter yourbodyand travel throughyournose and then exit throughyourmouth. The intention isto focus intently on any part

of your breathing that feelscomfortable in order to helpyou fine-tune awareness ofyour body. The more yourepeat this breathing everyday, thebetteryou’llbecomeat refocusing your negativethoughtsinthefuture.It may seem dull to

concentrate on doing

something simple likebreathing, but mindfulbreathing slows your minddown and relaxes it.Ultimatelyitwillhelpgroundyou in the here and now,which is accessed merely bythe consciousacknowledgment of yourbreathing.Trytoimaginethat

with each exhale, you’relettinggoofallyournegativethoughts while breathing insoothing, positive thoughts.It’s important to rememberthatwhenyourmindwandersand you stray from yourbreathing, nothing is wrong.It’s normal to let yourthoughts go to something

else. Actually, that’s what issupposed tohappen.When itdoes, simply bring yourattention back to yourbreathing and refocus. Everytime you bring your mindback and refocus, you buildthatmindfulnessmuscle, anditgetsstrongerandstronger.Trytopictureyourthoughts

asaheliumballoonthat’stiedto a string in your hand.Every time you loosen yourgrip on the string and theballoon starts to float away,you can pull it right back in.It works the same way withyour breathing. The balloonstarts to drift and you pull itback in; it drifts again and

you pull it back in. Everytimeyourthoughtsdriftawayfromyourbreathing,youcanpull them back in. This iswhat you’ll do for thisexercise—just you and aheliumballoon.

AffirmationAfter each round of five

abdominal breaths, add anaffirmation. When you doyour last exhale of a round,quietlywhisper thefollowingsurrender declaration toyourself:

Inthismoment,Iletgoofthe fight. I can handleanything that comes myway.

It’s okay to feel someanxiety every now andthen.

Then return to another set offive abdominal breaths, stillconcentrating on thesensation of your breathingandwhispertoyourself:

In this moment, I don’t

have to believe what myanxietytellsme.

If I get anxious, I willaccess my rational mindinstead of the emotionalmind.

Then return to another set offive abdominal breaths, stillconcentrating on the

sensation of your breathingandwhispertoyourself:

In this moment, I don’tneed to control myenvironmenttofeelsafe.

Surrenderdoesnotmeanputtingmyself indanger.Everythingisokay.

After you finish the

affirmations, the exercise iscompleted for the morning.Remember, say oneaffirmation after every fivebreaths. Try to do three setsof five breaths andaffirmations each morning.When the exercise is done,rate your current anxiety onthescaleof1to10.Howlow

is it? Over time you’ll seethat your anxiety rate maydecreaseaftereveryroundofexercises. It’s important tokeep a record of the scaleratings so you can observeyour progress. Be patient—itmaytakeafewweekstostartseeing thenumbersgodown.Remember, use a process

orientation,notonethatseeksimmediate results, and allowittimetowork.

THEIMPORTANCEOFAWARENESSIwouldliketoshareonefinal

illustrationofhowyoucanbemindful by surrendering thefightbutnotthecause.Inhiseminent book, Memories,DreamsandReflections,CarlJung described a dream thatinspired me to pay closeattentiontotheimportanceofhaving mindfulness, despiteinsurmountable odds and

obstacles. He said that hisdream both frightened andencouragedhim.Ittookplaceduring the night and he waswalking alone. His progresswasslowandpainfulbecauseof a strong wind and densefog. His hands held a tinylight tightly, which heworried would blow out at

any time. Jung felt thateverything hinged on notletting the little light go out.Suddenly it felt likesomething was coming upbehindhim.In the dream Jung turned

and saw a large, dark figurebehindhim.Despitetheterrorhefelt,heknewhemustkeep

his light going through thenight, despite other dangersthat might lurk. Then hewoke up and recognized thatthe dark figure was his ownshadow,distortedby the fog,andcreatedby the little lighthe carried. He alsorecognizedthatthatlightwashis consciousness, the only

light anyone has. In thisdream, the insight into thedepth of his own awarenesshelped Jung to see that ifthere’s light, there must bedark.Onecan’t existwithoutthe other. Light has nomeaning if you can’tunderstand or perceive itsopposite—darkness.Andvice

versa.This dream is also a

reference to the perils ofletting a dualistic mindcontrol your thinking. Therearenoextremesinlife,exceptwhenyoucreatetheminyourmind.Eventhepoweroflightis always tempered by somedark. However, the tangible

beauty in thedreamandhowit relates to the manyconcepts I’ve laid out is thatthe shadow Jung describesthat’s following him comesfrom his own body blockinghislittlelight.Theshadowhefears is fictitious. It’s not acircumstance he has nocontrol over. There’s no one

to fear.Whatever he creates,he can recreate, or change.Thelesson?

I can create my ownreality.

Therefore, the message canbe interpreted that perhapsyour own negative thinkingand self-defeating beliefs

obscure your consciousness,whichisyourlight,andcauseyoutobefrightened.Youcanlearn to live with it andaccepttheshadow,oryoucanrunfromit.Inthiscase,Jungrealizesthatdespitehisterror,he knows he must keep thelightalive and preserve it nomatter what. He even

suggeststhatthelightissmalland fragile compared to hisshadow, but nonetheless, hemust remain mindful andbecomethetruekeeperofhisflame. Perhaps then hebecomes a rational warriorbecause he’s encouraged bythe fact that since he isgeneratinghisownfears,then

he has the ability to let themgo, just asyou generate yourown fears, and you have thepowertoletthemgo.Jung’s story is also an

example of the spiritualalignment discussed earlier.The dream helped himsurrendertothedarkbecausehe knew it couldn’t harm

him. This pivotal shift in hisawareness elevated hisconsciousness to a greaterunderstanding of himself.Maybe it even helped himbreathe easier after he madethat connection. Suchepiphanies or spiritualmoments are veryencouraging to experience,

especially when you’vestruggledwithmanyyearsoffixed thinking about youranxiety. These are nomiracles. Instead, they’rebasic consciousness shiftsthat you can generate foryourself if you commit tostayingopentothem.My hope is that you’ll

consider your “light” as acentral part of your recoveryfrom anxiety. When all elsearoundyoufeelschaotic,youcan use your mindfulnessskills to come back to thelight—your only light. Thepower to manage youranxiety is inyour hands, andhow much you can become

aware of your thoughts andhow they create anxiety. Icamefromaplacewheremyanxiety sometimeswas at 10points on the scale. I dideverything I could to avoidfacing it, which meant Ididn’t want to takeresponsibility for what mademe anxious. So I suffered a

lot for many years. If whatI’vesharedworkedforme,itcanworkforyou.I hope that you’ll use my

tools to take charge of theway you perceive your life,the people in it and thesituations that come up.When you do, you’ll enjoyhaving less anxiety. I can

suggest things to do but thepowerisonlyyours.Youcanchangeyoursituationorletitcontinuetostressyouout.Byusing the tools in this book,you can retrain your anxiousmind to relax and perceivelife in a less anxious light. Iwish you the great joy thatmanaginganxietycanbring!

BIBLIOGRAPHY

Beck, Aaron T. 1976.Cognitive Therapy: And theEmotional Disorders. NewYork:Meridian.Beck, Aaron T. and Clark,David A. 2010. Cognitive

Therapy of AnxietyDisorders. New York:Guilford.Burns, D. David. 1980.Feeling Good: The NewMood Therapy. New York:NewAmericanLibrary.Chodron, Pema. 2000.WhenThings Fall Apart: HeartAdvice for Difficult Times.Boston:ShambalaLibrary.Chodron, Pema. 2001. The

Places That Scare You.Boston:ShambalaClassics.Chopra, Deepak. 1993. TheSeven Spiritual Laws ofSuccess. San Rafael, CA:NewWorldLibrary.Corey, Gerald. 2008. Theoryand Practice of Counselingand Psychotherapy. NewYork:BrooksCole.Ellis, Albert and Harper,Robert A. 1961. A Guide to

Rational Living. NorthHollywood, CA: WilshireBooks.Hanh, Thich Nhat. 2001.Anger: Wisdom for Coolingthe Flames. New York:RiverheadBooks.Hanh, Thich Nhat. 2002.NoDeath, No Fear: ComfortingWisdom for Life. New York:RiverheadBooks.Jung, Carl G. 1963.

Memories, Dreams andReflections. New York:PantheonBooks.Sartre, Jean-Paul. 2007.Existentialism Is aHumanism. New Haven &London: Yale UniversityPress.Tolle,Eckhart.2003.StillnessSpeaks. California: NewWorldLibrary.Yalom, Irvin D. 2005. The

Theory and Practice ofGroup Psychotherapy. NewYork:BasicBooks.Yalom,IrvinD.2008.Staringat the Sun. San Francisco:Jossey-Bass.Zettle, Robert D. 2007. ActforDepression.Oakland,CA:New Harbinger Publications,Inc.

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

Many thanks to my agent,Linda Konner, and my co-author, Daylle DeannaSchwartz, for theircommitmenttothebook,andto Sarah Pelz and Rebecca

HuntatHarlequinforsharingmyvisionwiththisproject.Agratefulacknowledgment

tomy earlymentors aswell,ClaireCiliotta,Ph.D.,MarshaJacobs, MFT, Nancy Steiny,MFT, Larry Zucker, MFTand James (Dukie) Carter,MFT. This book could nothave been written without

them.Also, special thanks to

AmirEttekal,MDandRobertChernoff,Ph.D.

Alsoabig thanks toall thepatients I have had theprivilegeoflearningfromandhelping. This book isdedicatedtoallofyou.

JohnTsilimparis,MFT

RetrainYourAnxiousBrain

ISBN-13:9781460340295

© 2014 by John Tsilimparis andDaylleDeannaSchwartz

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Tsilimparis,John.

Retrain your anxious brain :practical and effective tools toconqueranxiety/JohnTsilimparis,MFT, with Daylle DeannaSchwartz.

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