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More Proofreading Practice, Please!

Grade 5

by Dan Greenberg

More Proofreading Practice, Please: Grade 5 © Dan Greenberg, Scholastic Teaching Resources

Scholastic Inc. grants teachers permission to photocopy the designated reproducible pages from thisbook for classroom use. No other par t of this publication may be reproduced in whole or in part, orstored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical,photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without written per mission of the publisher. For informationregarding permission, write to Scholastic Inc., 557 Broadway, New York, NY 10012.

Cover design by Gerard FuchsCover illustration by Larry JonesInterior design by Creative Pages, Inc.Interior illustrations by Mike Moran

ISBN 0-439-18841-5

Copyright © 2003 by Dan Greenberg. All rights reserved.Printed in the U.S.A.1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 40 10 09 08 07 06 05 04 03


Introduction . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 4

Proofreading Symbols . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 6

Proofreading for Spelling Errors

Superheroes You’ve Never Heard Of . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 7

Money: It’s Better Than Ever! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 8

Is Nothing Funny? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 9

Official Fan Club News for Matt Head, Professional Wrestler . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 10

Stories Behind Inventions That Changed the World . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 11

Celebrity Auction . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 12

The World’s Dullest Videos . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 13

If I Had Three Wishes, Here’s What I’d Do . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 14

How to Get Rid of Common Yard Pests . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 15

Proofreading for Punctuation and Capitalization Errors

My Most Embarrassing Moment . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 16

The Really Loud Noise Show . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 17

Left Brain/Right Brain . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 18

Teen Beat Magazine Interview: The Four Whiners . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 19

FAQ.com . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 20

The Case of the Mummy’s Gold . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 21

Beach Teens . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 22

Weird Spell 2002 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 23

Classic Warning Labels . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 24

Proofreading for Grammar Errors

Danny the K, Proofreader for the Stars . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 25

Pensington-400 Toasting System . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 26

The Pegwegger Fashion Collection . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 27

The Secrets of the Great Decepto . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 28

What They Do on Their Days Off . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 29

The Boy Who Cried “Wulf!” . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 30

True Confessions: I Abandoned My Children! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 31

Behind the Special Effects in Today’s Hit Movies . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 32

Jenny Bosco, Olympic Swimmer, and Her Cat Ruffles . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 33

Proofreading for Mixed Errors

Are You Jealous? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 34

A Statement From Class President Mona Turpin . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 35

Ask Dr. Science . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 36

Wrong Number! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 37

Great Sports Records: The Tanya Macarena Story . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 38

Dan’s Fables: The Donkey and the Dog . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 39

Dan’s Fables: The Dog and the Donkey . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 40

Great Sports Records: The Benny Bragan Story . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 41

Can a Horse be Elected President of the United States? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 42

Answer Key . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 43


4

Introduction

Do you need a book that helps students master the skills of proofreading? To find out if you are ready for More Proofreading Practice, Please!

take this handy quiz:

1. My students typically proofread their work

sometimes

only on weekends

when pigs have wings

Are you kidding?

2. Proofreading is an important part of the

writing process and provides students with

12 vitamins and minerals

a whole new outlook on the world

an excuse for why their writing needs help

Are you kidding?

3. A proofreading error was the cause of

the War of 1812

the stock market crash of 1929

reality TV

Are you kidding?

Scoring

If you answered D. Are you kidding? to all of the above, you’re ready for More ProofreadingPractice, Please! In fact, if you didn’t answer D above, you’re also ready for the book. In general, you need More Proofreading Practice, Please! if:

• your students have never heard of proofreading.• your students have heard of proofreading, but would rather shovel out horse stables

with a grapefruit spoon than take the time to proofread their work.• your students prefer stories, poems, ar ticles, and essays that are engaging, fun, and delightful

rather than tedious, dull, and pointless.• your students like to laugh while they’re learning and learn while they’re laughing.• your students need to practice proofreading and editing skills that include punctuation,

capitalization, spelling, and grammar skills.

D

C

B

A

D

C

B

A

D

C

B

A


5

How to Use This Book

The book is organized into four proofreading subject areas: Spelling, Punctuation andCapitalization, Grammar, and Mixed Errors. Each section includes nine activities.

The Spelling section includes topics such as plurals and homophones. Within the Punctuation andCapitalization section, topics such as proper nouns, possessi ves, contractions, and comma usage arecovered. The Grammar section covers subject-verb agreement, tenses, sentence fragments, andmore. The final section invites students to make corrections in all major categories, testing theirmastery of proofreading rules.

Selections—in the form of stories, essays, poems, ads, forms, brochures, editorials, diaries, andso on—are presented in a way that allows students to make proofreading corrections right on thepage using proofreading symbols. (A reproducible page of common proofreading symbols is provided on page 6.) Be sure to go o ver how to use these symbols. Annotated answers to each exercise are given at the end of the book.

Classroom Management

Selections in this book can be:• distributed and completed on an individual basis.• done as a class with you eliciting volunteer responses.• assigned as work for partners or small cooperative groups to complete.• distributed for homework or in-class work.• completed as part of a Writing Program or Writing Lab.• incorporated as part of a Five-Step Writing Process program that includes

Prewriting, Drafting, Revising, Proofreading, and Publishing.

You might also try:• having students trade writing samples and proofread each other’s work.• having students proofread papers that they have written for other subjects, such as social

studies, science, or math.• playing a proofreading game in which students are challenged to f ind, for example, “all 27

errors in this article.”

Going Beyond

The true test of proofreading exercises is whether they carry over into students’ own writing. To find out, ask students to write their o wn selections (based on selections in this book!) and proofread them. Stress that proofreading should include not onl y correcting errors, but alsopaying attention to the content and str ucture of the writing and making sure that all ideas areexpressed as clearly and succinctly as possible.

Most of All

Try to make proofreading a fun par t of the writing process that students look forw ard to doing,rather than a chore that hangs over their heads. Point out that the selections in this book becomeclearer, and thus more interesting, engaging, and funny only after they are proofread and minorerrors are eliminated.


Proofreading Symbols

a tiny kitten Delete (Take it away forever!)

sleep all day Delete and change to something else

It was a dark and stormy night. Begin a new paragraph

A Horse’s mane Lowercase that capital letter

in Santa Fe, New mexico Capitalize that lowercase letter

Cheyenne Wyoming Insert comma

Carlos asked, How are you? Insert quotation marks

An ant ambled about Insert period

Where is Copenhagen Insert question mark

A cat slipped on the f loor waxed . Transpose (or trade positions)

6

night


Find and mark the ten spelling errors.

Pizza-Eating Girl

She can eat pizza with anything on it—

anything! You want ice cream and

raisens on your pizza? She can eat

it! How about a pizza with

lemon drops and

selery? She can eat it!

Her skills come in

handy when villains

try to force the heroes

to eat unpleasant

pizza combinations.

Dictionary Man

He can look up words in the dictionary faster than any other living human being.

His powwers are useful for fighting aginst villains who use really big words.

Worm Woman

She lives underground. She can comunecate with worms; not that worms have

much to say. She often ends up stuck on the sidewalk in the hot sun after a

rainey day.

Bargain Man

He can buy anything for the lowest possible price. This is especialy helpful when

other superheroes need to buy tites and uniforms. He always finds a bargain!

Gesundheit Woman

With her super hearing, she can hear people sneezeing miles away. Her powers

come in handy when bad guys are hideing in corners and they sneeze.

Name Date

7More Proofreading Practice, Please: Grade 5 © Dan Greenberg, Scholastic Teaching Resources


The U.S. Mint makes money every day. Did you know that today’s money is better

then ever? To see why, keep reading.

Money is 100% all naturle! That’s right. There are no artificial ingreedients in U.S.

money.Your dollars are as pure and naturle as a tall redwood tree!

Money goes everywhere! Going to the beach? Take some money. Taking a

vacashun? Try taking money with you. Making a busyness deal? You’ll find that

money comes in handy!

Money comes in great sizes and stiles! Do you like paper money or coins?

Big amounts or small? Green or sliver? No matter what your needs, we’ve got the

money for you. In the styles and sizes that fit your active lifestyle.

Money has lots of uses! Want to buy something? Buy it with money.You can

buy almost anything with money, including shoelaces, cinnimon rolls, hairbrushs,

and even Super Bowl tickets (if you can get them).

Name Date


Name Date

9


“On the subject of humor and comedy,”

Said Professor Mary Francis Pfaff,

“Nothing can ever be proven to be funny

So there’s no real reasin to lagh!”

“Laughter has no real purrposs,”

Said the famous doctor of grins.

“It’s just a nervous habit we have

Like fish that wiggle their fins.”

“The data is clear,” the professor said.

“In my research, I’ve fownd

There’s just no point in opening your mowth

And making a ‘Ha ha!’ sound.”

Just then a tiny inchworm

Hanging by its miniature toes

Dropped down from the sealing above

Rite on the tip of my nose!

When the professor seemed to chukle,

I said,“Excuse me, Professer Pfaff,

Didn’t you say that nothing’s funny?

There’s never a reason to laugh?”

“Well,” replied the professor.

“I’ll admit one thing is true.

It can be funny when an inchworm lands—

At leest when it lands on you!”



Name Date

10

Keeping Track of Matt

Tho he had no wrestling matches this week, Matt Head was very busy. These

are some of the things he accomplished this week.

• He drouled.

• He got into an arguenent with a tree.

• He put his tights on backwords.

Fan Club Poll

We asked you to answer the question:

What does Matt Head remind you of

most? Here are the rezults.

• A floor mat—14%

• A big head without a brane—62%

• A wrestling mat with no brains who

argues with trees—24%

Matt Head’s Diet Plan

• Breakfast: 14-ounce box of corn flakes, including the box, and

2 gallones of milk

• Light Lunch: pasta, salad, and metel screws

• Power Dinner: raw leather with radiator fluid sause

Contest Results

Here are the results of our contest,“Why I don’t want to spend the day

with Matt Head.”We only receved one entry. Here it is.

I don’t want to spend the day with Matt Head. I certainly hope I don’t win

this contest. —Jason Dorf



The Jacket Zipper

The first zipper, the Model 100-A, was made of solid wood and weyed over

17 ponds. Over time, the size decreased. Metal replased wood. A solid gold zipper

weighed in at only 4.1 ownces. Unfortunatelly, it cost over $1,500. Finally, the Model

100-Z came out. It was a lot like the zipper of today—except two people were

required to zip it up.

The Bookmark

Ted E. Bear, in a 1997 interview,

discloseed, “I kept loosing my

place in the book I was reading.

I tried putting a peece of cheese

in there, but it was greasy. I tried

a giant rock. It was too heavy

and awkward. I tried a $100 bill.

It worked well, but that was all

the money I had! Finally, I tried a

small slip of paper. At last, the

bookmark was born!”

The Cereal Spoon

First, people tried to eat cereal

with their hands. What a mess!

There was milk driping from

everyone’s elbows. Next, a garden shovel was tried. Too big! It was replaced with a

fork. The size was good, but it leaked. Finally, someone pulled out a spoon. There was

little chance after so many faillurs that it would work. But, it was perfect!

Name Date


Name Date

12


These items will be offerred at the Annual Celebrity Auction.

Item #406B: Hair clippings from country singer Milt Hayseed

Milt gets a harecut every week. His barber collects the clippings. Bidding starts at

$50 a bunch. Each bunch contains fourty or more strands.

Item #418C: Peanut butter sandwich not eaten by child superstar Spencer Twirp

When Spencer was on his cross-country tour, one of his assistants ordered a

sandwhich for him.“I hate peanut butter!” cried Spencer. This is the very sandwich

that Spencer never touched. Bidding starts at $1,200.

Item #423A: Elevator button pushed by movie souperstar Tanya Ruffage

When Tanya made the classic film Dripless, she stayed on the eleventh flour of the

Park Boulevard Hotle. This is the elevator button she pushed to get to that flore.

Bidding starts at $13,000.

Item #511D: Towel used by sports star Manny Meshooga

During the 2002 semi-finals, a fan gave Manny this towel to autograph. Manny didn’t

sine it, but he did wipe his shoes on the towell. Bidding starts at $5,000.



Do you love dull videos? Then this is the collection for you. For only $39.95 per

month we’ll delivver a video to your door. The selecttins include these titels.

Water Boiling

This classic shows the entire process, from stert to finnish. Watch as the pot is filled

with water. See the heat being turned on! Then wait for the water to bole. It seems

like it takes forrever!

Grass Growing

Are you an outdoor-type person? Do you love nature? This fabulous 24-part video is

for you. Watch as, at first, nothing seems to happen. But then as the ours (and days!)

pass, a change occurs. Isn’t the grass a tiny bit longer than it was at the begining?

Watch for the sequel, Mowing.

The Stone

This is the video for true rock fans. No scenery. No talk. No music. Just a camera

focused on a common stone for six solid hours. Nothing happens. Nothing changes.

By far, this is the dulest video in our collection!

Name Date



If I had three wishs, here’s what I’d do:

I’d use my first wish (which would leaf me just too)

And wish for three wishes—that would make five,

Which would make me the luckyest person alive!

Because after that, I could wish again,

And keep on going until I’d passt ten.

Then I’d keep wishing until I had a bunch,

Then I’d stop, take a brake, and wish for something good for lunch.

After lunch I’d wish more and pile up the wishes—

Elleven, twelve, but not thurteen (you see, I’m superstitious).

After I had a hunderd wishes, I think I’d take a break.

I wouldn’t want to get tired and make a foolish mistake.

If I had a thousand wishes, maybe that’d be enough,

Or maybe I’d keep going, and wish for yet more stuff.

After a million wishes, I guess I’d need no more.

So then I’d start wishing for ideaes of things

To use my million wishes for.

Name Date

14

?? ?



Michael, the five-year-old pest who trampels your rose bushes

Young children are drawn to the sound of bells. Get a bell that sounds just like the

one on your lockal ice cream truck. Go arond to the front of the house and ring the

bell. Close the gate after he leaves.

Ms. Peeve, the door-to-door

salesperson

Tell Ms. Peeve that you can’t talk

right now. But you’d like to talk

latter by telephone. Ask for Ms.

Peeve’s home phone number. This

should friten her away for good.

Steve, the teenage pest

Teenaegers don’t like corny music.

Get a recording of some really

lame music. Turn the vollume up

louwd. This should get rid of Steve

in no time.

Bonnie, the cat who hides

under your porch

Cats are drawn to the sound of a can opening. Go out in the front yard, well away

from the affectted area. Open a can of something that cats don’t like, like spinech or

green beans. Bonnie will come running. But she’ll be so disappointed that she won’t

come back again.

Name Date


Find and mark the ten punctuation and capitalization errors.

Name Date

16

by Lulu the Spider

This is so embarrassing that

I can barely talk about it. Let

me start by telling you a little

bit about myself. I’m a

spider. My name is Lulu.

I live in a web that I spin

each and every day. It’s in

the attic of a building on

eighth street. I picked this

location because I have

Eight legs.

I eat insects. That may sound

yucky to you. I think they are delicious.

One more thing I’ve got poisonous fangs. I could bring down an elephant if

I needed to: but I prefer insects.

This is my embarrassing moment. I was sitting in my web in the attic of 1818

Eighth Street, Hartford connecticut. I heard a rustling.“Aha!” I thought.“Lunch!

I heard some struggling and a muffled cry for help. So I rushed over to the

noise. I wrapped the victim up in silk. I was just about to inject my poison when

I heard a voice cry. “It’s me! Walter!”

“Walter?” I thought. It wasn’t an insect at all. It was an arachnid, like me. In fact,

it was Walter the Spider, my boyfriend! I had caught him in my web! I had even

wrapped him up.

I was so embarrassed I thought I’d never live it down. Walter forgave me and

we played on swings made of silk that Walter hung from my Web.


Name Date


Good Evening; I’m Bob Drumm. Welcome to “the Really Loud Noise Show.” Each

week on “The Really Loud Noise Show”, we bring you the loudest noise we can find.

We’ll start off today with a really loud train going 80 miles per hour.

Next, we add, the trains whistle.

We follow the train noises with the noon ringing of bells in a nearby church.

The next thing you hear will be the sound heard if you were parked across the

street from the church in a car with huge stereo speakers blaring loud music while

your passenger is beating a garbage can with a hammer. Meanwhile a dog is sitting

in the backseat and is barking furiously at a Mail Carrier who is passing by.

For our final loud noise of the evening, the railroad tracks are next to a school

playground where one hundred screaming kindergarten students have just started

to play. Of course, an Ice cream truck has just pulled up.

Now that’s some loud noise! See you next week, everyone! What? You can’t hear

me? I’d better speak louder!



Your brain has a left side and a right side. Each side is specialized for

different tasks.

Your left brain is good for arguing, counting money, thinking of excuses making

hasty decisions, changing TV channels, and thinking of someone to blame when

something goes wrong.

Your right brain is good for arranging furniture; jumping to conclusions, getting

mad when something goes wrong finding lost socks, and remembering where

things are in the refrigerator.

How do your two brains work together to solve a problem? Read the

following problem to find out.

Two trains leave their stations at exactly 12 noon. One is traveling at 80 miles per hour

from Baltimore to Pittsburgh.The other is traveling at 63 miles per hour from Pittsburgh to

baltimore. How much is the lunch special on the second train.

Your left brain springs into action first, thinking,“I could’nt solve this problem in a

million years.

Then your right brain contributes

“I can’t solve this problem either.”

Now your left brain takes control,

thinking,“I give up. There’s no point

in trying?”

Finally your right brain finishes

the task, “I’m hungry. I’ll make a

peanut butter sandwich.”

Name Date



TEEN BEAT: Welcome. We’re interviewing

this months’ hottest new

band—The Four whiners.

WHINERS: Hi.

TEEN BEAT: Why don’t you introduce

yourselves.

GUMBY: I’m Gumby Carlson. I do

the lead lip-synching.

WEASEL: I’m Weasel Whitney. I just

stand on stage.

CINDY: I’m Cindy Cruz from a

Ranch in Montana. I make

my lips pout. See?

MONICA: I’m Monica Silver. I hum. Then everyone always tells me to be quiet.

TEEN BEAT: Tell us about your new CD called The Cheese songs.”

GUMBY: We haven’t really heard it yet.

TEEN BEAT: Don’t you know what’s on it?

CINDY: You have to understand. First, real Musicians play the music.

WEASEL: Then good singers sing the songs.

MONICA: Then dancers are filmed for the videos.

TEEN BEAT: What do you four actually do.

WEASEL: We sort of hang around backstage and play card games.

TEEN BEAT: Is it true that, except for your photograph on the cover, you really

had no part in the making of your own hit CD?

GUMBY: (taking off his mask) Actually, we wear masks.

TEEN BEAT: (shocked) Oh, my goodness.

MONICA: (shrugs) Would you like our autographs!

Name Date



Welcome, to FAQ.com. FAQ stands for Frequently Asked Questions. FAQ.com

attempts to answer questions about those Questions.

Question: What’s your most frequently asked question?

Answer: The most frequently asked question is,“What is your most

frequently asked question”?

Question: Isn’t that what I just asked?

Answer: No, you asked, “What’s your most frequently asked question?”

We answered “The most frequently asked question is, ‘What is

your most frequently asked question?’”

Question: Why am I so confused.

Answer: That’s the second-most frequently, asked question. The answer

is,“Because the answer to your first question was so confusing,

you’re still confused.

Question: So what should I do?

Answer: We suggest that you go to Confused.com. This, site gives

answers to people who have become confused after visiting

Our site. Good Luck.

Name Date

20

QUESTION

ANSWER

QUESTION

ANSWER

QUESTION

ANSWER

QUESTION

ANSWER

Home About Us Contact Us Still Confused?



Hello, I’m Lucy Luck. I’m a

private eye. I was sitting in my

office when Dr. Jane Hanks,

the famous Explorer, walked

in. A couple of years ago Dr.

Hanks found the famous

Mummy’s Gold. However, the

gold had been stolen from

her and she’d been searching

for it ever since.

“Look at this letter,” Dr.

Hanks said. The letter

contained a map of what

looked like the Gobi desert.“I traveled to Mongolia in asia and searched everywhere

in the southeast corner of the Gobi Desert. I didn’t find the Gold.”

“Are you hungry, Dr. Hanks? I asked.“Let’s go eat dinner.”

I took her to a dark and distant neighborhood. We walked into a little restaurant

called gobi’s.

“Surely,” she said,“you don’t think—”

I went to a small table in the southeast corner of the restaurant. A sign said,

“Dessert.” I looked under the table. There was a large chest filled with the

Mummy’s Gold!

“You found it!” cried Dr. Hanks “How, can I ever thank you?”

“It’s no big deal,” I said, even though I knew it was.

“I just have one question,” said Dr. Hanks as we hauled the chest out.“I looked

at the map. It says Desert, not Dessert. It’s clear as a bell.”

“Hey,” I said. “People make mistakes.”

“They sure do?” said Dr. Hanks.

Name Date



The following is the script for the new hit TV

show starring Jason Goozle and Jennie Fibb.

Jennie: Jason I can’t go with you to the

Thanksgiving Dance.

Jason: Why not? Is it because I’m dull

unpopular, and have a bad haircut.

Jennie: No, it’s not that.

Jason: Is it because I’m rude, I mumble, and I never Stop talking about myself?

Jennie: No, it’s not that, either.

Jason: Then what is it Jennie? Is it because all of your friends hate me? Plus, I eat

dog food? And I haven’t taken a bath in over six months? Do you hold

those things against me, Jennie?

Jennie: No, Jason, I don’t. I don’t know how to say this?

Jason: Go ahead and say it, Jennie. I can take it.

Jennie: There’s not going to be a, Thanksgiving Dance, Jason.

Jason: Was it cancelled?

Jennie: No, it wasn’t cancelled. There isn’t any dance. There never was any dance. It’s

not even Thanksgiving, Jason. It’s july.You can’t have a Thanksgiving Dance

in July.

Jason: So, does that mean you won’t be going with me?

Jennie: No I won’t.

Jason: One more thing, Jennie. Suppose it were Thanksgiving, and suppose there

were a Thanksgiving Dance. Would you have gone with me?

Jennie: Not a chance, Jason.

Jason: I, thought so.

Name Date



Juan: Welcome to “Weird Spell 2002.” It’s the game where Players compete to see

who can spell words in the weirdest way. I’m Juan Bost, your host. And now,

let’s hear from our first weird speller.

Donna: My name is Donna pike. I’m a really weird speller. One time I spelled cat

without a c, an a, or a t!

Juan: Wow! Here’s your first word,

Donna. Spell fishes.

Donna: That would be “p-h-i-c-i-o-u-s.”

Juan: That’s really weird, Donna. How do you explain it!

Donna: The ph makes an “F” sound in the word phonograph.

Juan: Oh that’s clever.

Donna: Then the end of the word is just like the end of Suspicious.

Juan: That’s clever, Donna. That sure is a weird way to spell a Word.

Donna: Thank, you very much. What do I win?

Juan: You win a million dollars!

sorry, did I say “million” ?

I meant to say,“you win the

ten-dollar prize!”

Donna: Well, thanks anyway

Juan: That’s all the time we have now for “Weird Spell 2002”—the game where

players spell words in weird ways.

Name Date

23

Uhmaze-Zing

Kumpoott-her



Warning on Shoes

The soles on these shoes are

made of Rubber. In the event

that you are attacked by a

group of rubber-eating space

aliens, take off shoes. Do not

leave a trail of erasers for

them to follow!

Warning on

Alligator Exhibit

Please refrain from jumping over the fence swimming the moat scaling the wall, and

poking the alligators with a stick. Do not say;“You can’t hurt me a bit!” Alligators can

hurt you a bit.

Warning on Movie Poster

This film is rated E P. (Extremely Pointless). please do not try to analyze the plot,

understand the characters, or figure out what happens in the end. For the most part,

this movie does not make any sense?

Warning on Tomato Sauce Can

Tomato sauce is not intended to be poured on cornflakes in hair, or in fish bowls.

People who pour it in their hair may develop symptoms of Tomato Sauce hair

Condition. This condition includes hair that smells like tomato sauce and that could

be eaten if somebody is foolish enough, to try it.

Name Date


Find and mark the ten grammar errors.

My name is Danny the K. I don’t like to brag, but I’ll probably the greatest

proofreader of all time. I’ve proofread for presidents, kings, pop stars, quarterbacks,

and movie tycoons.

I’ll never forget the day the

president call me up.“Danny,” he said.

“You got to proofread my speech. I’ll

gave you the Medal of Honor. I’ll

name a street after you. Just tell me

what you want. I’ll do it.”

“Hold on a second, Mr. President,”

I say.“I don’t want a Medal of Honor.

I don’t want a street. I’m just a

proofreader. I just want to do my job.”

“You am right,” said the president.“I’m sorry.”

I proofreading the speech for him. Wouldn’t you know it? That was the finer

speech he ever made!

Then there was the time my favorite actor, Marva Marvelous, called me.“Darling,”

she said.“You just must proofread my new script. If you did, I’ll give you anything. I’ll

give you a million dollars.”

“Hold on a second there, Marva,” I said.“I’m just a proofreader, not a movie star.

I can’t take a million dollars for that.”

“Why not?” Marva asked.

“Because I want two million dollars,” I said.

Now two million dollars may seem to be a ridiculous amount for someone to pay

for proofreading. But, I proofread this piece and you can see what a greatest job I did!

Name Date


Name Date

26


Congratulations! You is the proud new owner of the Pensington-400 Toasting System.

Before You Toast

Make sure that you have the

proper equipment.You will

need the Pensington-400, bread,

butters, a knife, safety goggles

and helmet, and a plate.

Safety Precautions

Always wore your safety goggles

and helmet when using the

toaster. When properly handled,

toast is 100% safe. Beware of

high-speed toast particles that

break off from the main bread

slice while buttering. These

particles can travel at speeds

up to 125 mile per hour.

Troubleshooting

Problem: My helmet come unsnapped while I was buttering. What should I do?

Solution: Stopped buttering immediately. With your left hand, stabilize the toast.

When you are sure the toast are safe, use your right hand to snap your

helmet. Once her helmet is secure, resume buttering.

Problem: I were making toast when I hear sirens. Firefighters broke down my front

door. What happened?

Solution: You may have burned your toast. Is it covered with flames? Do the flames

reach halfway to the ceiling? If so, then read page 54,“How to survive a

burnt toast emergency.”



Marvelous Muffin Mittens

While traveling in a rural area of upper Scotland, I notice the locals wearing

marvelous mittens. I said to Roland, my assistant,“You and me need pairs of those

mittens.” It seems the people were wearing special kinds of muffins shaped like

mittens. Now the new Pegwegger Collection offer “Muffin Mittens.” Of course, if you

get hungry, you can eat your mittens!

Bus Boy Slacks

Have you noticed how great café bus boys look? That’s because they spill food

on their pants. The “café bus boy look” will inspired fabulous pants. Be cautious,

don’t wear the pants near hungriest dogs!

Tissue Box Shoes

I were lying by the pool in

Pango Pango when I noticed

that I’d left my comfortabler

shoes inside my hotel room.

What was I to do? I taked two

tissue boxes and putted

them on my feet. Like all

great ideas, the Tissue Box

Shoes came from this event.

Furthermore, I wore the Tissue

Box Shoes in a soccer game and

score three goals!

Name Date


Name Date

28


The Saw-the-Assistant-in-Half Trick

First, I put my assistant in a box. Next, I wave a curtain over the box. Then, I saw the

box in half. Final, I put the two half back together. When my assistant gets up, the

audience applauds.

How it’s done: When I pull the curtain over the box I run backstage. I were

quickly replaced by a real magician who knows how to

do the trick. I stand backstage until the

trick are over. I run back at the end as the

audience applauded.

The Pull-a-Rabbit-Out-of-a-Hat Trick

First, I show the audience a hat. There is nothing

inside. Next, I put on the hat. Then,

I wave my hand and take off the hat.

When a rabbit jumps out, the

audience applauds.

How it’s done: When I wave my hand, I’m actually giving the signal for a rabbit to

run onto the stage. This rabbit is a licensed magician and know how to performs

the trick flawlessly. When the trick is over, the audience applauds.

The Float-the-Assistant-Above-the-Stage Illusion

First, my assistant lies down. Next, I pass my cape over her. Then, she begins to

float. I pass hoops around her to show that she are not being held by wires. The

audience applauds.

How it’s done: When I pass my cape over my assistant, a flock of trained

hummingbirds flies on the stage and lifts her in the air. They hover in the air while

I pass hoops to show that there are no wires. When the hummingbirds left, my

assistant stands up and the audience applauded.



Centipede

On my day off, I try to stay off my

feet. I had one hundred of

them, you know. Sometimes

my brother and me go

shopping for shoes.

That’s not easy when

you each need

fifty pairs!

Toll Booth Collector

I loves collecting tolls. I sets up a table on my street. I collect tolls from bigger

cars, small trucks, and even children on tricycles. Don’t worry, I always give the

money back!

Clown

I likes to go shopping for clown equipment. Do you know how hard is it to find

clown shoes? Or, has you ever shopped for glow-in-the-dark orange hair? Also, I like

to practice squirting people with lapel flowers.

House Fly

I sometime sit on a window blind for about twelve hours and do nothing. Most of

the time, I like making a pest of myself. Hey, when you’re a fly, that’s what you do!

Billionaire

I like to count money. I empty all the change from the pockets of my hundreds

of suits. I pulling the coins from my penny loafers. I like to make stacks

of coins and bills on my dining room table. My favorite hobby is

counting and this gives me a chance to practice it.

Name Date



There once was a smallest car company named Wulf whose cars were not

selling well.

The Big Boss was frustrated. She hire a boy to sit by the road and look at the cars

that went by.

“You sit right here,” she told the boy.“Every time you saw a Wulf drive by I want

you to cry ‘Wulf!’”

The boy done as he

was told. Each time a

Wulf drove by he

cried,“Wulf!”

This might have

been the end of the

story were it not for a

real wolf that happened to

come by.

The boy cry,“Wolf!” when he saw

the real wolf. But, not no one paid

any attention.

“I mean it!” he repeated.“It be a wolf!” Again, no one paid any attention.

So when the real wolf come to where the Big Boss was sitting, she and the

Wulf sales force panicked and run. The wolf stayed and ate all of the food on the

buffet table.

In the end, the boy stayed on the job until many year later when he took over as

Big Boss.

The moral of the story is . . .

Never cry wulf when it’s really a wolf!

Name Date



I still can’t believe it. I always thought I’d be a good mother, but something come

over me. I still don’t know what.

I should say a little about myself. I was born in a larger pond. I come from a

biggest family. There was 4,000 in my family. That’s 2,000 girls and 2,000 boys. We

were the bigger family in the pond.

My mother leave us. We were only young tadpoles, but we were on our own.

I remember think, When I have kids, it won’t be like this.

But then, sure enough, I lay about 5,000 eggs. I was determined to treat each and

every one of them like an individuals.

Then something came over me. Suddenly, I just hopped up and left. I got on the

Internet and looked up frog behavior. No wonder I let my tadpoles go!

Epilog

I was surprised and proud at how good my children all turned out. Thousands

made it. They is good croakers.They grew up tall and straight and green. Just like me!

Name Date

31

by Mary Frog



Name Date

32

Dear State-of-the-Art,

Recently, I seen the movie

Detonation, starring Arnold

Morphus. It had a lot of great

special effect. But, the part I

likeded best come near the end.

There were not no car chases, and

not even any space aliens in the

scene.The two characters was just

talking. How did they do that?

Signed,

Curious

Dear Curious,

The part of the movie that you

liked is called acting. Acting

requires that the stars act, talk,

and make gestures just like real

people. Though acting in todays’

movies is quite rare, believe it or

not, in the olden days, acting was

actually quite common in movies!

Signed,

Dear State-of-the-Art,

How did they make the four

cockroaches speak its lines in

the movie Roach Motel?

Signed,

PUZZLED

Dear Puzzled,

This is an easy one! They

just hold up cue cards. The

roach read their lines right

off the cue cards.

Signed,



My name is Jenny Bosco. I’m an Olympic swimmer. I swim in the 50-yard free-style

dog paddle. I always thought that Ruffles, my best friend, would be there beside me.

On the first day of training, I notice something was wrong. I jump in the pool, but

Ruffles didn’t follow me.

I took her to seven different specialists.

They all came to the same conclusion:

Cats doesn’t like water.

So each day, I would swim laps.

Ruffles would sat by the pool reading the

newspaper. But, Ruffles seem restless.

Then I heard more bad news. I took

Ruffles to the eye doctor. He tell me that

cats can’t read.

Once again, I were crushed. I

thought, I’ll won a gold medal in the

Olympics anyway.

Well, I didn’t win a gold medal. In

fact, I missed the whole competition.

On the day of the race, I oversleep

and was disqualified. Ruffles’es watch

had stopped!

I swam anyway. It was during the diving competition. I was almost hit by someone

doing a two-and-one-half-full-twisting gainer. But as the police escorted me away,

I thought about Ruffles. She may hate water. She may never learn to read. But, she

still is my best friend. I think she and I will go out for the three-legged race next

Olympics.

Name Date


Find and mark the twelve errors. They may be spelling, punctuation,

capitalization, or grammar errors.

Bert: Welcome to the quiz show,“Are

You Jealous?” I’m Bert Envy, your

host. Our first contestunt is Edna

Fingers. Edna, here are your first

question. Suppose your best

friend Jasper gets a new puppy

for his birthday. Are you jealous.

Edna: No, Bert, I’m not.

Bert: Correct for 50 points! And

what’s your reson, Edna?

Edna: I has my own puppy, Bert. Plus,

my puppy doesn’t chew on

shoes the way Jasper’s

puppy does.

Bert: Very nice, Edna, here’s your

second question. Suppose Jasper get invited to go over to Scooter’s house

to play and you don’t get to go. Are you jealous?

Edna: No, I’m not, Bert. I’ll tell you why. I don’t like to go over to Scooter’s and

play with his Video games. I’d rather stay here by myself.

Bert: And that is correct for 100 points! Now here’s your final question, Edna.

Your friend Jasper gets to be on the TV show “Who wants a Sandwich?” Are

you jealous?

Edna: No, I’m not Bert, because I’m currently appearing on a TV show.

Bert: “Who Wants a Sandwitch?” is a more popular show than “Are You

Jealous?” So, you’re incorrect, Edna.You should be jealous. That’s mynus

150 points! Which brings your score to zero, goose egg, nothing.

Edna: Bye, Bert. I’m going to try out for “Who Wants a Sandwich?”

Bert: That’s all the time we has now. See you next time?

Name Date




My fellow Classmates, as pressident of our class, I know that you have put your

trust in me.You trusted me when you elected me president.You trusted me when

we passed the recess rule that increased the length of recess by over 15

purcent.You trusted me when I asked for their support on the candy ban.

At that time; I explained how I felt. Candy is bad for you. It rot your teeth.

It’s expensive. Basically, it has no place in our school.

When we passed the candy ban, I felt proud. I felt we had done something for all

of the students of webster School. I still feel that way.

Recently though, some trubbling events have come to light. Candy wrappers

were found in my locker. My book bag was described as “smelling like chocolate.

I’d like to tell you that these

accusations are a mistake. I’d like to say

that I didn’t bring candy to school. I’d like

to say that I didn’t eat it secretly in the

Student Council Room, stuffing it into my

mouth as fast as I could.

But if I telled you these things, I’d be

lying. All I can tell you is that I am sorry.

What did I learn from this experiense? I

learned about honesty. I learned about

responsibility. I learned that it’s easier to

talk the talk than to walk the walk. I

learned all of these things. But most of all,

I learnt something about myself.

I learned that I really like candy.

Name Date




Question: How do we know that Earth goes

around the sun?

Dr. Science: It’s obvious that Earth goes

airound something. Is it a Telephone pole? Is

it a raccoon? If you look closely in a science

book you will see a digram with a Tiny Earth

traveling around the sun—not around a

telephone pole or a raccoon?

Question: What are photosynthesis?

Dr. Science: Photosynthesis is what

happens when someone is taking a

picture and you look the other way. Then

you get the photograph back and you look

really stupid. Then you say, “Photosynthesis

caused that to happen.”

Question: How do a cumputer work?

Dr. Science: There is three ways to make a computer work. First, plug it in. Second

turn it on. And third, say out lowd, “Why won’t this thing work?”

Question: Why do birds fly south?

Dr. Science: Birds are looking for coins on the ground. They fly a little bit. Then they

fly a little bit more. Pretty soon, they ends up in Florida.

Name Date




The following is some of the most outrageously rong numbers ever dialed.

This first call came to the house of Mr. Rudy Remo of Baltimore, maryland.

Listen closerly.

Caller: Hello, who’s this?

Rudy: No who is this?

Caller: I was trying to call 555-3221.

Rudy: This is 555-9928.You’re not

even close!

Caller: Wow! You’re right. I’m sorry.

I really am.

Rudy: That’s okay. It could happen

to anyone.

But could it happen to anyone? Listen to what happens next at the Remo household.

Caller: Hello, is Erica there?

Rudy: There is not no Erica here. What number were you trying to reach?

Caller: I am trying to reach 555-3221.

Rudy: Well, your off by a mile. This is 555-9928. Say, didn’t you just call a few

minutes ago?

Caller: (disguising his voice) Who, I? No, it must have been someone else.

There you have it—a number so wrong that we have our esperts analyze the last

four digits. Do you know what they found! Every digit was wrong! Not a single digit

was correct! Now, how’s that for a shocking event?

Name Date




“Winning a match is great,” said tennis legend Tanya Macarena.“But do you know

what’s more important than winning? What I wear on the court. That’s what it’s real-

ly all about.”

It wasn’t always like this for Tanya Macarena. At one point she was satisfyed just

winning matches. And, as the Top player in the world, she won a lot of matches.

“But something were missing,” revealed Tanya.“I would win my match, but then I

would look over and see that my opponents outfit was silliest than mine. This

bothered me.”

So Tanya hired Minnie Vulch to desin her tennis outfits.

Ms. Vulch said,“I don’t know nothing about fashtion.You’ll be able to tell by

my designs.”

Over time; Ms. Vulch helped design dozens of new outfits for Tanya. Each one was

silly than the last.

“At first, my outfits were silly, but not really ridiculous,” said Tanya.“The real

breakthrough came at the U.s. Open. I wore what can be discribbed as a clown suit.”

“I was amazed she could play with those big floppy shoes and the red rubber

nose,” confessed Minnie.

But Tanya not only

played—she won!

This made her the

silliest dressed and

world’s best tennis player!

Name Date




There once was a donkey who lived with a farmer and a dog. The donkey

worked hard every day. The donkey carry bundles of sticks. It pulled the plow.

The dog, on the other hand, did very little but sleep. Each evening on the porch,

the dog sat on the farmers’ lap. It licked the farmer’s face. The farmer scratcht the

dog’s ears and said,“What a good dog you is.”

By and by, the donkey began to grow gealous.“Why should I work so hard?”

it asked.

That day, the donkey refussed to work.

When the farmer returned home from the felds, the donkey came running. It

jumped into the farmers lap, just like a dog. It tried to lick the farmer’s face, just

like a dog.

“Get off!” cried the farmer.You’re too heavy! You’ll broken my lap!”

The farmer locked the donkey in the barn. A few days later he sold the donkey

to a neighbor. The neighbor worked the donkey very hard. She worked the donkey

much harder than the farmer had.

“What a fool I’ve been,” said the

donkey.“now my life is much

worse than it was before.”


Be who you is, unless you’re a fool.

Then, don’t be who you are.

Name Date




There oncet was a dog who lived with a farmer and a donkey. The dog sleep all

day while the donkey worked in the fields.

“I’m tired of working,” said the donkey.

“I’m tired of sleeping” said the dog.

“Let’s switsh places!” they both said simultaneously.

The next morning, the donkey stayed home and slept. The dog worked. The dog

pulled the wagon. It plowed the fields. The dog carried bags on it’s back. As the day

continued, the dog grew more and more exhosted.

The donkey slept. The donkey yawned. It swished flies with its tail. The donkey

looked in the window of the farmers house. It was only 9:30 in the morning. The

donkey were bored. Sleeping all day was boring.

That evening, the donkey meet the dog at the fence.“Well, how did it go, my

frend?” the donkey asked the dog.

“Let’s switch back to our old roles,” said the dog.“you work and I’ll sleep.”

“All right,” said the donkey.

So the next day, the donkey worked and the dog slept.

And they continued to be this way from then on.


Do not never switch places with

a donkey.

Name Date




There were two outs in the ninth inning. Benny Bragan was sitting on the bench.

His team was loosing by a score of 19 to 0. But Benny Bragan wasnt’ no loser. He was

knocking on the door of one of baseball’s greatest all-time records: the number of

fidgets in one game.

The orriginall record had been set by Old Hoss Mueller back in 1931. But Old

Hoss had a big avantage. Players wore itchy wool uniforms back then, even on

hot summer days. No wonder players squirmed and fidgeted so much.

Benny had the misfortune of playing in an era when players wore Cotton

uniforms.Yet here it was, the ninth inning, and bragan had fidgeted 106 times

already—that’s over eleven fidgets

per inning!

As the pitcher went into his

wind-up, Benny suddenly heard a

noise. It were thunder. A rain cloud

appeared. Soon, the field was soaked

with rain.

Benny Bragan was one fidget short

of the all-time record.

One fidget!

Did Benny Bragan have any regrets.

“Not really,” said Benny after the

game.“The important thing is that I

tried. I squirmed and fidgeted as best I

could. I gave it my all. I has no regrets.”

Benny Bragan are a sports heroe we

can only aspire to be!

Name Date




Recently the idea of electing a horse president, of the United States has come up for

consideration. Consider these points based on the U.S. Constitution.

Horses is natural born citisens. The Constitution says that the president must

be a Natural born Citizen. That’s what horses is, except for those that were born in

foreign countries. But, you wouldn’t expect them to run for president.

Horses are honest. Have you ever met a dishhonest horse? A horse would make

a good president because horses never lie.

Horses don’t take special interest money. Huemans can be bribed with

money. All horses want are carrots and sugar cubes.This makes them harder to bribe.

Horses know what it’s like to be ridden on and controlled by the rider.

They has learned that they don’t always get things their own way.

Horses are good at balancing the budget. Okay, so here’s one thing that isn’t

true. Horses probably ain’t very good at budgets. But otherwise; they’d make

good presidents.

Let’s ellect a horse soon!

Name Date


43

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ergr

ound

. She

can

com

unec

ate

with

wor

ms;

not t

hat w

orm

s hav

e m

uch

to sa

y. S

he o

ften

ends

up

stuc

kon

the

side

wal

k in

the

hot s

un a

fter a

rain

ey d

ay.

Bar

gain

Man

He

can

buy

anyt

hing

for t

he lo

wes

t pos

sible

pric

e. T

his i

ses

peci

aly

help

ful w

hen

othe

r sup

erhe

roes

nee

d to

buy

tite

san

d un

iform

s. H

e al

way

s fin

ds a

bar

gain

!

Ges

undh

eit W

oman

With

her

supe

r hea

ring,

she

can

hear

peo

ple

snee

zein

gm

iles a

way

. Her

pow

ers c

ome

in h

andy

whe

n ba

d gu

ys a

rehi

dein

g in

cor

ners

and

they

snee

ze.

The

U.S.

Min

t mak

es m

oney

eve

ry d

ay. D

id y

ou k

now

that

toda

y’s m

oney

is b

ette

r the

n ev

er? T

o se

e w

hy, k

eep

read

ing.

Mon

ey is

100

% a

ll na

turle

!Th

at’s

right

. The

re a

re n

o ar

tific

ial i

ngre

edie

nts i

n U

.S. m

oney

. You

r dol

lars

are

as

pure

and

nat

urle

as a

tall

redw

ood

tree!

Mon

ey g

oes e

very

whe

re!

Goi

ng to

the

beac

h? T

ake

som

em

oney

. Tak

ing

a va

cash

un?

Try

taki

ng m

oney

with

you

.M

akin

g a

busy

ness

dea

l? Y

ou’ll

fin

d th

at m

oney

com

es

in h

andy

!

Mon

ey c

omes

in g

reat

size

s and

stile

s! D

o yo

u lik

e pa

per

mon

ey o

r coi

ns?

Big

am

ount

s or s

mal

l? G

reen

or s

live

r?N

o m

atte

r wha

t you

r nee

ds, w

e’ve

got

the

mon

ey fo

r you

.In

the

styl

es a

nd si

zes t

hat f

it yo

ur a

ctiv

e lif

esty

le.

Mon

ey h

as lo

ts o

f use

s!W

ant t

o bu

y so

met

hing

? B

uy it

with

mon

ey. Y

ou c

an b

uy a

lmos

t any

thin

g w

ith m

oney

,in

clud

ing

shoe

lace

s, ci

nnim

on ro

lls, h

airb

rush

s, an

d ev

enSu

per B

owl t

icke

ts (i

f you

can

get

them

).

“On

the

subj

ect o

f hum

or a

nd c

omed

y,”

Said

Pro

fess

or M

ary

Fran

cis P

faff,

“Not

hing

can

eve

r be

prov

ento

be

funn

ySo

ther

e’s n

o re

al re

asin

to la

gh!”

“Lau

ghte

r has

no

real

pur

rpos

s,”Sa

id th

e fa

mou

s doc

tor o

f grin

s.“I

t’s ju

st a

ner

vous

hab

it w

e ha

veLi

ke f

ish

that

wig

gle

thei

r fin

s.”

“The

dat

a is

cle

ar,”

the

prof

esso

r sai

d.“I

n m

y re

sear

ch, I

’ve

fow

ndTh

ere’s

just

no

poin

t in

open

ing

your

mow

thA

nd m

akin

g a

‘Ha

ha!’

soun

d.”

Just

then

a ti

ny in

chw

orm

Han

ging

by

its m

inia

ture

toes

Dro

pped

dow

n fr

om th

e se

alin

g ab

ove

Rite

on

the

tip o

f my

nose

!

Whe

n th

e pr

ofes

sor s

eem

ed to

chu

kle,

I sai

d, “

Excu

se m

e, P

rofe

sser

Pfa

ff,D

idn’

t you

say

that

not

hing

’sfu

nny?

Ther

e’s n

ever

a re

ason

to la

ugh?

”

“Wel

l,” re

plie

d th

e pr

ofes

sor.

“I’ll

adm

it on

e th

ing

is tr

ue.

It ca

nbe

funn

y w

hen

an in

chw

orm

land

s—A

t lee

st w

hen

it la

nds o

n yo

u!”

The

Jack

et Z

ippe

rTh

e fi

rst z

ippe

r, th

e M

odel

100

-A, w

as m

ade

of so

lidw

ood

and

wey

ed o

ver 1

7 po

nds.

Ove

r tim

e, th

e si

zede

crea

sed.

Met

al re

plas

ed w

ood.

A so

lid g

old

zipp

erw

eigh

ed in

at o

nly

4.1

ownc

es. U

nfor

tuna

telly

, it c

ost o

ver

$1,5

00. F

inal

ly, t

he M

odel

100

-Z c

ame

out.

It w

as a

lot

like

the

zipp

er o

f tod

ay—

exce

pt tw

o pe

ople

wer

e re

quire

dto

zip

it u

p.

The

Boo

kmar

kTe

d E.

Bea

r, in

a 1

997

inte

rvie

w, d

iscl

osee

d, “

I kep

t lo

osin

g m

y pl

ace

in th

e bo

ok I

was

read

ing.

I tri

ed p

uttin

ga

peec

e of

che

ese

in th

ere,

but

it w

as g

reas

y. I

tried

a g

iant

rock

. It w

as to

o he

avy

and

awkw

ard.

I tri

ed a

$10

0 bi

ll. It

wor

ked

wel

l, bu

t tha

t was

all

the

mon

ey I

had!

Fin

ally

, Itri

ed a

smal

l slip

of p

aper

. At l

ast,

the

book

mar

k w

as b

orn!

”

The

Cer

eal S

poon

Firs

t, pe

ople

trie

d to

eat

cer

eal w

ith th

eir h

ands

. W

hat a

mes

s! T

here

was

milk

drip

ing

from

eve

ryon

e’s e

lbow

s.N

ext,

a ga

rden

shov

el w

as tr

ied.

Too

big

! It w

as re

plac

edw

ith a

fork

. The

size

was

goo

d, b

ut it

leak

ed. F

inal

ly,

som

eone

pul

led

out a

spoo

n. T

here

was

littl

e ch

ance

afte

rso

man

y fa

illur

s tha

t it w

ould

wor

k. B

ut, i

t was

per

fect

!

Thes

e ite

ms w

ill b

e of

ferr

ed a

t the

Ann

ual C

eleb

rity

Auc

tion.

Item

#40

6B:

Hai

r clip

ping

s fro

m c

ount

ry si

nger

Milt

Hay

seed

Milt

get

s a h

arec

ut e

very

wee

k. H

is b

arbe

r co

llect

s the

clip

ping

s. B

iddi

ng st

arts

at $

50 a

bun

ch.

Each

bun

ch c

onta

ins f

ourt

y or

mor

e st

rand

s.

Item

#41

8C:

Pean

ut b

utte

r san

dwic

h no

t eat

en b

y ch

ild

supe

rsta

r Spe

ncer

Tw

irp

Whe

n Sp

ence

r was

on

his c

ross

-cou

ntry

tour

, one

of h

isas

sist

ants

ord

ered

a sa

ndw

hich

for h

im. “

I hat

e pe

anut

bu

tter!

” cr

ied

Spen

cer.

This

is th

e ve

ry sa

ndw

ich

that

Spen

cer n

ever

touc

hed.

Bid

ding

star

ts a

t $1,

200.

Item

#42

3A:

Elev

ator

but

ton

push

ed b

y m

ovie

soup

erst

arTa

nya

Ruf

fage

Whe

n Ta

nya

mad

e th

e cl

assi

c fi

lm D

ripl

ess,

she

stay

ed o

nth

e el

even

th fl

our o

f the

Par

k B

oule

vard

Hot

le. T

his i

s the

el

evat

or b

utto

n sh

e pu

shed

to g

et to

that

flor

e. B

iddi

ng

star

ts a

t $13

,000

.

Item

#51

1D:

Tow

el u

sed

by sp

orts

star

Man

ny M

esho

oga

Dur

ing

the

2002

sem

i-fin

als,

a fa

n ga

ve M

anny

this

tow

elto

aut

ogra

ph. M

anny

did

n’t s

ine

it, b

ut h

e di

d w

ipe

his

shoe

s on

the

tow

ell.

Bid

ding

star

ts a

t $5,

000.

Is Nothing Funny?, page 9 Celebrity Auction, page 12

Money: It’s Better Than Ever!, page 8 Stories Behind Inventions That Changed The World, page 11

Kee

ping

Tra

ck o

f Mat

t Th

o he

had

no

wre

stlin

g m

atch

es th

is w

eek,

Mat

t Hea

d w

as v

ery

busy

. The

se a

re so

me

of th

e th

ings

he

acco

mpl

ished

this

wee

k.•

He

drou

led.

•H

e go

t int

o an

arg

uene

nt w

ith a

tree

.•

He

put h

is ti

ghts

on

back

wor

ds.

Fan

Clu

b Po

llW

e as

ked

you

to a

nsw

er th

e qu

estio

n: W

hat d

oes M

att H

ead

rem

ind

you

of m

ost?

Her

e ar

e th

e re

zults

.•

A fl

oor m

at—

14%

•A

big

hea

d w

ithou

t a b

rane

—62

%•

A w

rest

ling

mat

with

no

brai

ns w

ho a

rgue

s with

tree

s—24

%M

att H

ead’

s Die

t Pla

n•

Bre

akfa

st: 1

4-ou

nce

box

of c

orn

flake

s, in

clud

ing

the

box,

and

2 ga

llone

s of m

ilk•

Ligh

t Lun

ch: p

asta

, sal

ad, a

nd m

etel

scre

ws

•Po

wer

Din

ner:

raw

leat

her w

ith ra

diat

or fl

uid

saus

eC

onte

st R

esul

tsH

ere

are

the

resu

lts o

f our

con

test

, “W

hy I

don’

t wan

t to

spen

dth

e da

y w

ith M

att H

ead.

” W

e on

ly re

ceve

d on

e en

try.

Her

e it

is.

I don

’t w

ant t

o sp

end

the

day

with

Mat

t Hea

d. I

cert

ainl

y ho

peI d

on’t

win

this

con

test

. —Ja

son

Dor

f

Thou

gh

argu

men

t

sign

floor

floor

hairc

utc

failu

res

u

i

weig

hed

s

a

o

brai

n

ac

purp

ose

uo

u

ceili

ngRi

ght

u

co

a

p

u

i

natu

ral

natu

ral va

cati

on

y

eaa

i

com

mun

icat

e

tigh

ts

a

l

ic


44

The World’s Dullest Videos, page 13 My Most Embarrassing Moment, page 16

Do

you

love

dul

l vid

eos?

The

n th

is is

the

colle

ctio

n fo

ryo

u. F

or o

nly

$39.

95 p

er m

onth

we’

ll de

livve

r a v

ideo

to

you

r doo

r. Th

e se

lect

tins i

nclu

de th

ese

titel

s.

Wat

er B

oilin

gTh

is c

lass

ic sh

ows t

he e

ntire

pro

cess

, fro

m st

ert t

o fi

nnis

h.W

atch

as t

he p

ot is

fill

ed w

ith w

ater

. See

the

heat

bei

ngtu

rned

on!

The

n w

ait f

or th

e w

ater

to b

ole.

It se

ems l

ike

itta

kes f

orre

ver!

Gra

ss G

row

ing

Are

you

an

outd

oor-

type

per

son?

Do

you

love

nat

ure?

Th

is fa

bulo

us 2

4-pa

rt vi

deo

is fo

r you

. Wat

ch a

s, at

firs

t,no

thin

g se

ems t

o ha

ppen

. But

then

as t

he o

urs (

and

days

!)pa

ss, a

cha

nge

occu

rs. I

sn’t

the

gras

s a ti

ny b

it lo

nger

than

it w

as a

t the

beg

inin

g? W

atch

for t

he se

quel

, Mow

ing.

The

Ston

eTh

is is

the

vide

o fo

r tru

e ro

ck fa

ns. N

o sc

ener

y. N

o ta

lk.

No

mus

ic. J

ust a

cam

era

focu

sed

on a

com

mon

ston

e fo

rsi

x so

lid h

ours

. Not

hing

hap

pens

. Not

hing

cha

nges

. By

far,

this

is th

e du

lest

vid

eo in

our

col

lect

ion!

If I

had

thre

e w

ishs

, her

e’s w

hat I

’d d

o:I’d

use

my

firs

t wis

h (w

hich

wou

ld le

af m

e ju

st to

o)A

nd w

ish

for t

hree

wis

hes—

that

wou

ld m

ake

five

,W

hich

wou

ld m

ake

me

the

luck

yest

per

son

aliv

e!B

ecau

se a

fter t

hat,

I cou

ld w

ish

agai

n,A

nd k

eep

on g

oing

unt

il I’d

pas

st te

n.Th

en I’

d ke

ep w

ishi

ng u

ntil

I had

a b

unch

,Th

en I’

d st

op, t

ake

a br

ake,

and

wis

h fo

r som

ethi

ng g

ood

for l

unch

.A

fter l

unch

I’d

wis

h m

ore

and

pile

up

the

wis

hes—

Elle

ven,

twel

ve, b

ut n

ot th

urte

en (y

ou se

e, I’

m

supe

rstit

ious

).A

fter I

had

a h

unde

rd w

ishe

s, I t

hink

I’d

take

a b

reak

.I w

ould

n’t w

ant t

o ge

t tire

d an

d m

ake

a fo

olis

h m

ista

ke.

If I

had

a th

ousa

ndw

ishe

s, m

aybe

that

’d b

e en

ough

,O

r may

be I’

d ke

ep g

oing

, and

wis

h fo

r yet

mor

e st

uff.

Afte

r a m

illio

nw

ishe

s, I g

uess

I’d

need

no

mor

e.So

then

I’d

star

t wis

hing

for i

deae

s of t

hing

sTo

use

my

mill

ion

wis

hes f

or.

Mic

hael

, the

fiv

e-ye

ar-o

ld p

est w

ho tr

ampe

ls y

our r

ose

bush

esYo

ung

child

ren

are

draw

n to

the

soun

d of

bel

ls. G

et a

bel

lth

at so

unds

just

like

the

one

on y

our l

ocka

l ice

cre

amtru

ck. G

o ar

ond

to th

e fr

ont o

f the

hou

se a

nd ri

ng th

e be

ll.C

lose

the

gate

afte

r he

leav

es.

Ms.

Peev

e, th

e do

or-to

-doo

r sal

espe

rson

Tell

Ms.

Peev

e th

at y

ou c

an’t

talk

righ

t now

. But

you

’d li

ke

to ta

lk la

tter b

y te

leph

one.

Ask

for M

s. Pe

eve’s

hom

eph

one

num

ber.

This

shou

ld fr

iten

her a

way

for g

ood.

Stev

e, th

e te

enag

e pe

stTe

enae

gers

don

’t lik

e co

rny

mus

ic. G

et a

reco

rdin

g of

som

e re

ally

lam

e m

usic

. Tur

n th

e vo

llum

e up

louw

d. T

his

shou

ld g

et ri

d of

Ste

ve in

no

time.

Bon

nie,

the

cat w

ho h

ides

und

er y

our p

orch

Cat

s are

dra

wn

to th

e so

und

of a

can

ope

ning

. Go

out i

nth

e fr

ont y

ard,

wel

l aw

ay fr

om th

e af

fect

ted

area

. Ope

n a

can

of so

met

hing

that

cat

s don

’t li

ke, l

ike

spin

ech

or g

reen

bean

s. B

onni

e w

ill c

ome

runn

ing.

But

she’

ll be

so

disa

ppoi

nted

that

she

won

’t co

me

back

aga

in.

Goo

d Ev

enin

g; I’

m B

ob D

rum

m. W

elco

me

to “

the

Rea

lly L

oud

Noi

se S

how.

” Ea

ch w

eek

on “

The

Rea

llyLo

ud N

oise

Sho

w”,

we

brin

g yo

u th

e lo

udes

t noi

se w

e ca

nfi

nd. W

e’ll

star

t off

toda

y w

ith a

real

ly lo

ud tr

ain

goin

g 80

mile

s per

hou

r.N

ext,

we

add,

the

train

s whi

stle

.W

e fo

llow

the

train

noi

ses w

ith th

e no

on ri

ngin

g of

be

lls in

a n

earb

y ch

urch

.Th

e ne

xt th

ing

you

hear

will

be

the

soun

d he

ard

if yo

u w

ere

park

ed a

cros

s the

stre

et fr

om th

e ch

urch

in a

car

with

hug

e st

ereo

spea

kers

bla

ring

loud

mus

ic w

hile

you

rpa

ssen

ger i

s bea

ting

a ga

rbag

e ca

n w

ith a

ham

mer

.M

eanw

hile

a d

og is

sitti

ng in

the

back

seat

and

is b

arki

ngfu

rious

ly a

t a M

ail C

arrie

r who

is p

assi

ng b

y.Fo

r our

fin

al lo

ud n

oise

of t

he e

veni

ng, t

he ra

ilroa

dtra

cks a

re n

ext t

o a

scho

ol p

layg

roun

d w

here

one

hun

dred

scre

amin

g ki

nder

garte

n st

uden

ts h

ave

just

star

ted

to p

lay.

Of c

ours

e, a

n Ic

e cr

eam

truc

k ha

s jus

t pul

led

up.

Now

that

’s so

me

loud

noi

se! S

ee y

ou n

ext w

eek,

ever

yone

! Wha

t? Y

ou c

an’t

hear

me?

I’d

bette

r spe

ak

loud

er!

How to Get Rid of Common Yard Pests, page 15 Left Brain/Right Brain, page 18

If I Had Three Wishes, Here’s What I’d Do, page 14 The Really Loud Noise Show, page 17Th

is is

so

emba

rras

sing

that

I ca

n ba

rely

talk

abo

ut it

.Le

t me

star

t by

telli

ng y

ou a

littl

e bi

t abo

ut m

ysel

f. I’

m a

sp

ider

. My

nam

e is

Lul

u. I

live

in a

web

that

I sp

in e

ach

and

ever

y da

y. It

’s in

the

attic

of a

bui

ldin

g on

eig

hth

stre

et. I

pic

ked

this

loca

tion

beca

use

I hav

e Ei

ght l

egs.

I eat

inse

cts.

That

may

soun

d yu

cky

to y

ou. I

thin

kth

ey a

re d

elic

ious

. O

ne m

ore

thin

g I’

ve g

ot p

oiso

nous

fan

gs. I

cou

ldbr

ing

dow

n an

ele

phan

t if I

nee

ded

to: b

ut I

pref

er in

sect

s.Th

is is

my

emba

rras

sing

mom

ent.

I was

sitti

ng in

m

y w

eb in

the

attic

of 1

818

Eigh

th S

treet

, Har

tford

co

nnec

ticut

. I h

eard

a r

ustli

ng. “

Aha

!” I

thou

ght.

“Lun

ch!

I hea

rd so

me

stru

gglin

g an

d a

muf

fled

cry

for h

elp.

So

I rus

hed

over

to th

e no

ise.

I w

rapp

ed th

e vi

ctim

up

in si

lk.

I was

just

abo

ut to

inje

ct m

y po

ison

whe

n I h

eard

a v

oice

cry.

“It’

s me!

Wal

ter!

”“W

alte

r?”

I tho

ught

. It w

asn’

t an

inse

ct a

t all.

It w

as a

n ar

achn

id, l

ike

me.

In f

act,

it w

as W

alte

r the

Spi

der,

my

boyf

riend

! I h

ad c

augh

t him

in m

y w

eb! I

had

eve

nw

rapp

ed h

im u

p.I w

as so

em

barr

asse

d I t

houg

ht I’

d ne

ver l

ive

it do

wn.

Wal

ter f

orga

ve m

e. a

nd w

e pl

ayed

on

swin

gs m

ade

of si

lkth

at W

alte

r hun

g fr

om m

y W

eb.

Your

bra

in h

as a

left

side

and

a ri

ght s

ide.

Eac

h si

de is

sp

ecia

lized

for d

iffer

ent t

asks

.

Your

left

brai

n is

goo

d fo

r arg

uing

, cou

ntin

g m

oney

,th

inki

ng o

f exc

uses

mak

ing

hast

y de

cisi

ons,

chan

ging

TV

chan

nels

, and

thin

king

of s

omeo

ne to

bla

me

whe

n so

me-

thin

g go

es w

rong

.Yo

ur ri

ght b

rain

is g

ood

for a

rran

ging

furn

iture

; ju

mpi

ng to

con

clus

ions

, get

ting

mad

whe

n so

met

hing

goe

sw

rong

fin

ding

lost

sock

s, an

d re

mem

berin

g w

here

thin

gsar

e in

the

refr

iger

ator

.

How

do

your

two

brai

ns w

ork

toge

ther

to so

lve

a pr

oble

m?

Rea

d th

e fo

llow

ing

prob

lem

to f

ind

out.

Two

train

s lea

ve th

eir s

tatio

ns a

t exa

ctly

12

noon

. One

is tr

avel

ing

at 8

0 m

iles p

er h

our f

rom

Bal

timor

e to

Pitts

burg

h. T

he o

ther

is tr

avel

ing

at 6

3 m

iles p

er h

our f

rom

Pitts

burg

h to

bal

timor

e. H

ow m

uch

is th

e lu

nch

spec

ial o

nth

e se

cond

trai

n.Yo

ur le

ft br

ain

sprin

gs in

to a

ctio

n fi

rst,

thin

king

, “I

cou

ld’n

t sol

ve th

is p

robl

em in

a m

illio

n ye

ars.

Then

you

r rig

ht b

rain

con

tribu

tes “

I can

’t so

lve

this

prob

lem

eith

er.”

Now

you

r lef

t bra

in ta

kes c

ontro

l, th

inki

ng, “

I giv

e up

.Th

ere’s

no

poin

t in

tryi

ng?”

Fina

lly y

our r

ight

bra

in f

inis

hes t

he ta

sk, “

I’m

hun

gry.

I’ll m

ake

a pe

anut

but

ter s

andw

ich.

”

coul

dn’t

sele

ctio

ns

boil

a

i

leav

e

i

brea

k

pass

ed

frig

hten

a

h

n

l

we

u


45

Teen Beat Magazine Interview: The Four Whiners, page 19 Beach Teens, page 22

The Case of the Mummy’s Gold, page 21 Classic Warning Labels, page 24

FAQ.com, page 20 Weird Spell 2002, page 23

TEEN

BEA

T: W

elco

me.

We’

re in

terv

iew

ing

this

mon

ths’

hotte

st n

ew b

and—

The

Four

whi

ners

.W

HIN

ERS:

Hi.

TEEN

BEA

T: W

hy d

on’t

you

intro

duce

you

rsel

ves.

GU

MB

Y: I’

m G

umby

Car

lson

. I d

o th

e le

ad li

p-sy

nchi

ng.

WEA

SEL:

I’m

Wea

sel W

hitn

ey. I

just

stan

d on

stag

e.C

INDY

: I’m

Cin

dy C

ruz

from

a R

anch

in M

onta

na. I

mak

e m

y lip

s pou

t. Se

e?M

ON

ICA

: I’m

Mon

ica

Silv

er. I

hum

. The

n ev

eryo

neal

way

s tel

ls m

e to

be

quie

t.TE

EN B

EAT:

Tel

l us

abou

t you

r new

CD

cal

led

The

Che

ese

song

s.”G

UM

BY:

We

have

n’t r

eally

hea

rd it

yet

.TE

EN B

EAT:

Don

’t yo

u kn

ow w

hat’s

on

it?C

INDY

: You

hav

e to

und

erst

and.

Firs

t, re

al M

usic

ians

pl

ay th

e m

usic

.W

EASE

L: T

hen

good

sing

ers s

ing

the

song

s.M

ON

ICA

: The

n da

ncer

s are

film

ed fo

r the

vid

eos.

TEEN

BEA

T: W

hat d

o yo

u fo

ur a

ctua

lly d

o.W

EASE

L: W

e sor

t of h

ang

arou

nd b

acks

tage

and

play

card

gam

es.

TEEN

BEA

T: Is

it tr

ue th

at, e

xcep

t for

you

r pho

togr

aph

onth

e co

ver,

you

real

ly h

ad n

o pa

rt in

the

mak

ing

of y

our o

wn

hit C

D?

GU

MB

Y: (t

akin

g of

f his

mas

k) A

ctua

lly, w

e w

ear m

asks

. TE

EN B

EAT:

(sho

cked

) Oh,

my

good

ness

.M

ON

ICA

: (sh

rugs

) Wou

ld y

ou li

ke o

ur a

utog

raph

s!

The

follo

win

g is

the

scrip

t for

the

new

hit

TV sh

ow

star

ring

Jaso

n G

oozl

e an

d Je

nnie

Fib

b.Je

nnie

: Jas

on I

can’

t go

with

you

to th

e Th

anks

givi

ngD

ance

.Ja

son:

Why

not

? Is

it b

ecau

se I’

m d

ull u

npop

ular

, and

hav

ea

bad

hairc

ut.

Jenn

ie: N

o, it

’s no

t tha

t.Ja

son:

Is it

bec

ause

I’m

rud

e, I

mum

ble,

and

I ne

ver S

top

talk

ing

abou

t mys

elf?

Jenn

ie: N

o, it

’s no

t tha

t, ei

ther

.Ja

son:

The

n w

hat i

s it J

enni

e? Is

it b

ecau

se a

ll of

you

rfr

iend

s hat

e m

e? P

lus,

I eat

dog

food

? A

nd I

have

n’t t

aken

a ba

th in

ove

r six

mon

ths?

Do

you

hold

thos

e th

ings

agai

nst m

e, Je

nnie

?Je

nnie

: No,

Jaso

n, I

don’

t. I d

on’t

know

how

to sa

y th

is?

Jaso

n: G

o ah

ead

and

say

it, Je

nnie

. I c

an ta

ke it

.Je

nnie

: The

re’s

not g

oing

to b

e a,

Tha

nksg

ivin

g D

ance

,Ja

son.

Jaso

n: W

as it

can

celle

d?Je

nnie

: No,

it w

asn’

t can

celle

d. T

here

isn’

t any

dan

ce. T

here

neve

r was

any

dan

ce. I

t’s n

ot e

ven

Than

ksgi

ving

, Jas

on. I

t’sju

ly. Y

ou c

an’t

have

a T

hank

sgiv

ing

Dan

ce in

July

.Ja

son:

So,

doe

s tha

t mea

n yo

u w

on’t

be g

oing

with

me?

Jenn

ie: N

o I w

on’t.

Jaso

n: O

ne m

ore

thin

g, Je

nnie

. Sup

pose

it w

ere

Than

ksgi

ving

, and

supp

ose

ther

e w

ere

a Th

anks

givi

ngD

ance

. Wou

ld y

ou h

ave

gone

with

me?

Jenn

ie: N

ot a

cha

nce,

Jaso

n.Ja

son:

I, th

ough

t so.

Wel

com

e, to

FA

Q.c

om. F

AQ

stan

ds fo

r Fre

quen

tly A

sked

Que

stio

ns. F

AQ

.com

atte

mpt

s to

answ

er q

uest

ions

abo

ut

thos

e Q

uest

ions

.

Que

stio

n: W

hat’s

you

r mos

t fre

quen

tly a

sked

que

stio

n?A

nsw

er: T

he m

ost f

requ

ently

ask

ed q

uest

ion

is, “

Wha

t is

you

r mos

t fre

quen

tly a

sked

que

stio

n”?

Que

stio

n: Is

n’t t

hat w

hat I

just

ask

ed?

Ans

wer

: No,

you

ask

ed, “

Wha

t’syo

ur m

ost f

requ

ently

aske

d qu

estio

n?”

We

answ

ered

“Th

e m

ost f

requ

ently

as

ked

ques

tion

is, ‘

Wha

t is

your

mos

t fre

quen

tly a

sked

ques

tion?

’”

Que

stio

n:W

hy a

m I

so c

onfu

sed.

Ans

wer

: Tha

t’s th

e se

cond

-mos

t fre

quen

tly, a

sked

que

stio

n.Th

e an

swer

is, “

Bec

ause

the

answ

er to

you

r firs

t que

stio

nw

as so

con

fusi

ng, y

ou’re

still

con

fuse

d.

Que

stio

n: S

o w

hat s

houl

d I d

o?A

nsw

er: W

e su

gges

t tha

t you

go

to C

onfu

sed.

com

. Thi

s,si

te g

ives

ans

wer

s to

peop

le w

ho h

ave

beco

me

conf

used

afte

r vis

iting

Our

site

. Goo

d Lu

ck.

Juan

: Wel

com

e to

“W

eird

Spe

ll 20

02.”

It’s

the

gam

e w

here

Play

ers c

ompe

te to

see

who

can

spel

l wor

ds in

the

wei

rdes

tw

ay. I

’m Ju

an B

ost,

your

hos

t. A

nd n

ow, l

et’s

hear

from

our f

irst w

eird

spel

ler.

Don

na: M

y na

me

is D

onna

pik

e. I’

m a

real

ly w

eird

spel

ler.

One

tim

e I s

pelle

d ca

twith

out a

c, a

n a,

or a

t!Ju

an: W

ow! H

ere’

s you

r firs

t wor

d, D

onna

. Spe

ll fis

hes.

Don

na: T

hat w

ould

be

“p-h

-i-c-

i-o-u

-s.”

Juan

: Tha

t’s re

ally

wei

rd, D

onna

. How

do

you

expl

ain

it!D

onna

: The

ph

mak

es a

n “F

” so

und

in th

e w

ord

phon

ogra

ph.

Juan

: Oh

that

’s cl

ever

.D

onna

: The

n th

e en

d of

the

wor

d is

just

like

the

end

ofSu

spic

ious

.Ju

an: T

hat’s

cle

ver,

Don

na. T

hat s

ure

is a

wei

rd w

ay to

sp

ell a

Wor

d.D

onna

: Tha

nk, y

ou v

ery

muc

h. W

hat d

o I w

in?

Juan

: You

win

a m

illio

n do

llars

! sor

ry, d

id I

say

“mill

ion”

?I m

eant

to sa

y, “

you

win

the

ten-

dolla

r priz

e!”

Don

na: W

ell,

than

ks a

nyw

ayJu

an: T

hat’s

all

the

time

we

have

now

for “

Wei

rd S

pell

2002

”—

the

gam

e w

here

pla

yers

spel

l wor

ds in

wei

rd w

ays.

War

ning

on

Shoe

sTh

e so

les o

n th

ese

shoe

s are

mad

e of

Rub

ber.

In th

e ev

ent

that

you

are

atta

cked

by

a gr

oup

of ru

bber

-eat

ing

spac

eal

iens

, tak

e of

f sho

es. D

o no

tlea

ve a

trai

l of e

rase

rs fo

rth

em to

follo

w!

War

ning

on

Alli

gato

r Exh

ibit

Plea

se re

frai

n fr

om ju

mpi

ng o

ver t

he fe

nce

swim

min

g th

em

oat s

calin

g th

e w

all,

and

poki

ng th

e al

ligat

ors w

ith a

stic

k. D

o no

t say

; “Yo

u ca

n’t h

urt m

e a

bit!”

Alli

gato

rs c

anhu

rt yo

u a

bit.

War

ning

on

Mov

ie P

oste

rTh

is f

ilm is

rate

d E

P. (E

xtre

mel

y Po

intle

ss).

plea

se d

o no

ttry

to a

naly

ze th

e pl

ot, u

nder

stan

d th

e ch

arac

ters

, or f

igur

eou

t wha

t hap

pens

in th

e en

d. F

or th

e m

ost p

art,

this

mov

iedo

es n

ot m

ake

any

sens

e?

War

ning

on

Tom

ato

Sauc

e C

anTo

mat

o sa

uce

is n

ot in

tend

ed to

be

pour

ed o

n co

rnfla

kes i

nha

ir, o

r in

fish

bow

ls. P

eopl

e w

ho p

our i

t in

thei

r hai

r may

deve

lop

sym

ptom

s of T

omat

o Sa

uce

hair

Con

ditio

n. T

his

cond

ition

incl

udes

hai

r tha

t sm

ells

like

tom

ato

sauc

e an

dth

at c

ould

be

eate

n if

som

ebod

y is

fool

ish

enou

gh, t

o tr

y it.

Hel

lo, I

’m L

ucy

Luck

. I’m

a p

riva

te e

ye. I

was

sitti

ngin

my

offi

ce w

hen

Dr.

Jane

Han

ks, t

he f

amou

s Exp

lore

r,w

alke

d in

. A c

oupl

e of

yea

rs a

go D

r. H

anks

foun

d th

efa

mou

s Mum

my’

s Gol

d. H

owev

er, t

he g

old

had

been

stol

en fr

om h

er a

nd sh

e’d

been

sear

chin

g fo

r it e

ver s

ince

.“L

ook

at th

is le

tter,”

Dr.

Han

ks sa

id. T

he le

tter

cont

aine

d a

map

of w

hat l

ooke

d lik

e th

e G

obi d

eser

t. “I

tra

vele

d to

Mon

golia

in a

sia

and

sear

ched

eve

ryw

here

in th

eso

uthe

ast c

orne

r of t

he G

obi D

eser

t. I d

idn’

t fin

d th

e G

old.

”“A

re y

ou h

ungr

y, D

r. H

anks

?I a

sked

. “Le

t’s g

o ea

t din

ner.”

I too

k he

r to

a da

rk a

nd d

ista

nt n

eigh

borh

ood.

We

wal

ked

into

a li

ttle

rest

aura

nt c

alle

d go

bi’s

.“S

urel

y,” sh

e sa

id, “

you

don’

t thi

nk—

”I w

ent t

o a

smal

l tab

le in

the

sout

heas

t cor

ner o

f the

rest

aura

nt. A

sign

said

, “D

esse

rt.”

I loo

ked

unde

r the

tabl

e.Th

ere

was

a la

rge

ches

t fill

ed w

ith th

e M

umm

y’s G

old!

“You

foun

d it!

” cr

ied

Dr.

Han

ks“H

ow, c

an I

ever

th

ank

you?

”“I

t’s n

o bi

g de

al,”

I sa

id, e

ven

thou

gh I

knew

it w

as.

“I ju

st h

ave

one

ques

tion,

” sa

id D

r. H

anks

as w

eha

uled

the

ches

t out

. “I l

ooke

d at

the

map

. It s

ays

Des

ert,

not D

esse

rt. I

t’s c

lear

as a

bel

l.”“H

ey,”

I sai

d. “

Peop

le m

ake

mis

take

s.”“T

hey

sure

do?

” sa

id D

r. H

anks

.

mon

th’s


46

Danny the K, Proofreader for the Stars, page 25 The Secrets of the Great Decepto, page 28

My

nam

e is

Dan

ny th

e K

. I d

on’t

like

to b

rag,

but

I’ll

prob

ably

the

grea

test

pro

ofre

ader

of a

ll tim

e. I’

ve p

roof

read

fo

r pre

side

nts,

king

s, po

p st

ars,

quar

terb

acks

, and

mov

iety

coon

s.I’l

l nev

er fo

rget

the

day

the

pres

iden

t cal

l me

up.

“Dan

ny,”

he sa

id. “

You

got t

o pr

oofr

ead

my

spee

ch. I

’llga

ve y

ou th

e M

edal

of H

onor

. I’ll

nam

e a

stre

et a

fter y

ou.

Just

tell

me

wha

t you

wan

t. I’l

l do

it.”

“Hol

d on

a se

cond

, Mr.

Pres

iden

t,” I

say.

“I d

on’t

wan

t a M

edal

of H

onor

. I d

on’t

wan

t a st

reet

. I’m

just

apr

oofr

eade

r. I j

ust w

ant t

o do

my

job.

”“Y

ou a

m ri

ght,”

said

the

pres

iden

t. “I

’m so

rry.”

I p

roof

read

ing

the

spee

ch fo

r him

. Wou

ldn’

t you

kno

w it

? Th

at w

as th

e fi

ner s

peec

h he

eve

r mad

e!Th

en th

ere

was

the

time

my

favo

rite

acto

r, M

arva

Mar

velo

us, c

alle

d m

e. “

Dar

ling,

” sh

e sa

id. “

You

just

mus

tpr

oofr

ead

my

new

scrip

t. If

you

did

, I’ll

giv

e yo

u an

ythi

ng.

I’ll g

ive

you

a m

illio

n do

llars

.”“H

old

on a

seco

nd th

ere,

Mar

va,”

I sai

d. “

I’m

just

apr

oofr

eade

r, no

t a m

ovie

star

. I c

an’t

take

a m

illio

n do

llars

for t

hat.”

“Why

not

?” M

arva

ask

ed.

“Bec

ause

I w

ant t

wom

illio

n do

llars

,” I s

aid.

Now

two

mill

ion

dolla

rs m

ay se

em to

be

a rid

icul

ous

amou

nt fo

r som

eone

to p

ay fo

r pro

ofre

adin

g. B

ut, I

pr

oofr

ead

this

pie

ce a

nd y

ou c

an se

e w

hat a

gre

ates

t job

I di

d!

Mar

velo

us M

uffi

n M

itten

sW

hile

trav

elin

g in

a r

ural

are

a of

upp

er S

cotla

nd, I

not

ice

the

loca

ls w

earin

g m

arve

lous

mitt

ens.

I sai

d to

Rol

and,

my

assi

stan

t, “Y

ou a

nd m

e ne

ed p

airs

of t

hose

mitt

ens.

” It

seem

s the

peo

ple

wer

e w

earin

g sp

ecia

l kin

ds o

f muf

fins

shap

ed li

ke m

itten

s. N

ow th

e ne

w P

egw

egge

r Col

lect

ion

offe

r “M

uffi

n M

itten

s.” O

f cou

rse,

if y

ou g

et h

ungr

y, y

ouca

n ea

t you

r mitt

ens!

Bus

Boy

Sla

cks

Hav

e yo

u no

ticed

how

gre

at c

afé

bus b

oys l

ook?

Tha

t’sbe

caus

e th

ey sp

ill fo

od o

n th

eir p

ants

. The

“ca

fé b

us b

oylo

ok”

will

insp

ired

fabu

lous

pan

ts. B

e ca

utio

us, d

on’t

wea

rth

e pa

nts n

ear h

ungr

iest

dog

s!

Tiss

ue B

ox S

hoes

I wer

e ly

ing

by th

e po

ol in

Pan

go P

ango

whe

n I n

otic

edth

at I’

d le

ft m

y co

mfo

rtabl

er sh

oes i

nsid

e m

y ho

tel r

oom

.W

hat w

as I

to d

o? I

take

d tw

o tis

sue

boxe

s and

put

ted

them

on

my

feet

. Lik

e al

l gre

at id

eas,

the

Tiss

ue B

oxSh

oes c

ame

from

this

eve

nt. F

urth

erm

ore,

I w

ore

the

Tiss

ue B

ox S

hoes

in a

socc

er g

ame

and

scor

e th

ree

goal

s!

Ther

e on

ce w

as a

smal

lest

car

com

pany

nam

ed W

ulf

who

se c

ars w

ere

not s

ellin

g w

ell.

The

Big

Bos

s was

frus

trate

d. S

he h

ire a

boy

to si

t by

the

road

and

look

at t

he c

ars t

hat w

ent b

y.“Y

ou si

t rig

ht h

ere,

” sh

e to

ld th

e bo

y. “

Ever

y tim

e yo

usa

w a

Wul

f driv

e by

I w

ant y

ou to

cry

‘Wul

f!’”

The

boy

done

as h

e w

as to

ld. E

ach

time

a W

ulf d

rove

by h

e cr

ied,

“W

ulf!

”Th

is m

ight

hav

e be

en th

e en

d of

the

stor

y w

ere

it no

tfo

r a re

al w

olf t

hat h

appe

ned

to c

ome

by.

The

boy

cry,

“W

olf!

” w

hen

he sa

w th

e re

al w

olf.

But

,no

t no

one

paid

any

atte

ntio

n.“I

mea

n it!

” he

repe

ated

. “It

be a

wol

f!”

Aga

in, n

o on

epa

id a

ny a

ttent

ion.

So w

hen

the

real

wol

f com

e to

whe

re th

e B

ig B

oss w

as

sitti

ng, s

he a

nd th

e W

ulf s

ales

forc

e pa

nick

ed a

nd ru

n. T

hew

olf s

taye

d an

d at

e al

l of t

he fo

od o

n th

e bu

ffet

tabl

e.In

the

end,

the

boy

stay

ed o

n th

e jo

b un

til m

any

year

late

r whe

n he

took

ove

r as B

ig B

oss.

The

mor

al o

f the

stor

y is

. . .

Nev

er c

ry w

ulfw

hen

it’s r

eally

a w

olf!

The Pegwegger Fashion Collection, page 27 The Boy Who Cried “Wulf!”, page 30

Pensington-400 Toasting System, page 26 What They Do on Their Days Off, page 29Th

e Sa

w-th

e-A

ssis

tant

-in-H

alf T

rick

Firs

t, I p

ut m

y as

sista

nt in

a b

ox. N

ext,

I wav

e a

curt

ain

over

the

box.

The

n, I

saw

the

box

in h

alf.

Fina

l, I p

ut th

e tw

o ha

lfba

ck to

geth

er. W

hen

my

assis

tant

get

s up,

the

audi

ence

appl

auds

.H

ow it

’s do

ne:

Whe

n I p

ull t

he c

urta

in o

ver t

he b

ox I

run

back

stag

e. I

wer

e qu

ickl

y re

plac

ed b

y a

real

mag

icia

n w

hokn

ows h

ow to

do

the

trick

. I st

and

back

stag

e un

til th

e tri

ckar

e ov

er. I

run

back

at t

he e

nd a

s the

aud

ienc

e ap

plau

ded.

The

Pull-

a-R

abbi

t-Out

-of-

a-H

at T

rick

Firs

t, I s

how

the

audi

ence

a h

at. T

here

is n

othi

ng in

side

.N

ext,

I put

on

the

hat.

Then

, I w

ave

my

hand

and

take

off

the

hat.

Whe

n a

rabb

it ju

mps

out

, the

aud

ienc

e ap

plau

ds.

How

it’s

done

:W

hen

I wav

e m

y ha

nd, I

’m a

ctua

lly g

ivin

gth

e si

gnal

for a

rabb

it to

run

ont

o th

e st

age.

Thi

s rab

bit i

s alic

ense

d m

agic

ian

and

know

how

to p

erfo

rms t

he tr

ick

flaw

less

ly. W

hen

the

trick

is o

ver,

the

audi

ence

app

laud

s.Th

e Fl

oat-t

he-A

ssis

tant

-Abo

ve-th

e-St

age

Illus

ion

Firs

t, m

y as

sist

ant l

ies d

own.

Nex

t, I p

ass m

y ca

pe o

ver

her.

Then

, she

beg

ins t

o flo

at. I

pas

s hoo

ps a

roun

d he

r to

show

that

she

are

not b

eing

hel

d by

wire

s. Th

e au

dien

ceap

plau

ds.

How

it’s

done

:W

hen

I pas

s my

cape

ove

r my

assi

stan

t, a

flock

of t

rain

ed h

umm

ingb

irds f

lies o

n th

e st

age

and

lifts

her i

n th

e ai

r. Th

ey h

over

in th

e ai

r whi

le I

pass

hoo

ps to

show

that

ther

e ar

e no

wire

s. W

hen

the

hum

min

gbird

s lef

t,m

y as

sist

ant s

tand

s up

and

the

audi

ence

app

laud

ed.

Con

grat

ulat

ions

! You

is th

e pr

oud

new

ow

ner o

f the

Pens

ingt

on-4

00 T

oast

ing

Syst

em.

Bef

ore

You

Toas

tM

ake

sure

that

you

hav

e th

e pr

oper

equ

ipm

ent.

You

will

need

the

Pens

ingt

on-4

00, b

read

, but

ters

, a k

nife

, saf

ety

gogg

les a

nd h

elm

et, a

nd a

pla

te.

Safe

ty P

reca

utio

nsA

lway

s wor

e yo

ur sa

fety

gog

gles

and

hel

met

whe

n us

ing

the

toas

ter.

Whe

n pr

oper

ly h

andl

ed, t

oast

is 1

00%

safe

. Bew

are

of h

igh-

spee

d to

ast p

artic

les t

hat b

reak

off

from

the

mai

nbr

ead

slic

e w

hile

but

terin

g. T

hese

par

ticle

s can

trav

el a

tsp

eeds

up

to 1

25 m

ile p

er h

our.

Trou

bles

hoot

ing

Prob

lem

:M

y he

lmet

com

e un

snap

ped

whi

le I

was

but

terin

g.W

hat s

houl

d I d

o?So

lutio

n:St

oppe

d bu

tterin

g im

med

iate

ly. W

ith y

our l

eft h

and,

stabi

lize

the

toas

t. W

hen

you

are

sure

the

toas

t are

safe

, use

you

r rig

ht h

and

to sn

ap y

our h

elm

et. O

nce

her h

elm

et is

secu

re, r

esum

e bu

tterin

g.Pr

oble

m:

I wer

e m

akin

g to

ast w

hen

I hea

r sire

ns.

Fire

figh

ters

bro

ke d

own

my

fron

t doo

r. W

hat

happ

ened

?So

lutio

n:Yo

u m

ay h

ave

burn

ed y

our t

oast

. Is i

t cov

ered

with

flam

es?

Do

the

flam

es re

ach

halfw

ay to

th

e ce

iling

? If

so, t

hen

read

pag

e 54

, “H

ow

tosu

rviv

e a

burn

t toa

st e

mer

genc

y.”

Cen

tiped

eO

n m

y da

y of

f, I t

ry to

stay

off

my

feet

. I h

ad o

ne h

undr

edof

them

, you

kno

w. S

omet

imes

my

brot

her a

nd m

e go

shop

ping

for s

hoes

. Tha

t’s n

ot e

asy

whe

n yo

u ea

ch n

eed

fifty

pai

rs!

Toll

Boo

th C

olle

ctor

I lov

es c

olle

ctin

g to

lls. I

sets

up

a ta

ble

on m

y st

reet

. I c

ol-

lect

tolls

from

big

ger c

ars,

smal

l tru

cks,

and

even

chi

ldre

non

tric

ycle

s. D

on’t

wor

ry, I

alw

ays g

ive

the

mon

ey b

ack!

Clo

wn

I lik

es to

go

shop

ping

for c

low

n eq

uipm

ent.

Do

you

know

how

har

d is

it to

fin

d cl

own

shoe

s? O

r, ha

s you

eve

rsh

oppe

d fo

r glo

w-in

-the-

dark

ora

nge

hair?

Als

o, I

like

topr

actic

e sq

uirti

ng p

eopl

e w

ith la

pel f

low

ers.

Hou

se F

lyI s

omet

ime

sit o

n a

win

dow

blin

d fo

r abo

ut tw

elve

hou

rsan

d do

not

hing

. Mos

t of t

he ti

me,

I lik

e m

akin

g a

pest

of

mys

elf.

Hey

, whe

n yo

u’re

a fl

y, th

at’s

wha

t you

do!

Bill

iona

ireI l

ike

to c

ount

mon

ey. I

em

pty

all t

he c

hang

e fr

om th

epo

cket

s of m

y hu

ndre

ds o

f sui

ts. I

pul

ling

the

coin

s fro

mm

y pe

nny

loaf

ers.

I lik

e to

mak

e st

acks

of c

oins

and

bill

son

my

dini

ng ro

om ta

ble.

My

favo

rite

hobb

y is

cou

ntin

gan

d th

is g

ives

me

a ch

ance

to p

ract

ice

it.

You’

ve

I’m

calle

d

i

said

do

fines

t

are

is

appl

audsap

plau

ds

leav

e

is

Fina

llyha

lves

am

haveha

veI

a

crie

d

is

a

see

did

cam

e

wear

is

your wa

s

are

I

s

s

s

d

s

d

d

s

has

hung

ry

was

took

d


47

True Confessions: I Abandoned My Children!, page 31 Are You Jealous?, page 34I s

till c

an’t

belie

ve it

. I a

lway

s tho

ught

I’d

be a

goo

dm

othe

r, bu

t som

ethi

ng c

ome

over

me.

I st

ill d

on’t

kno

ww

hat. I s

houl

d sa

y a

little

abo

ut m

ysel

f. I w

as b

orn

in a

la

rger

pon

d. I

com

e fr

om a

big

gest

fam

ily. T

here

was

4,00

0 in

my

fam

ily. T

hat’s

2,0

00 g

irls a

nd 2

,000

boy

s. W

e w

ere

the

bigg

er f

amily

in th

e po

nd.

My

mot

her l

eave

us.

We

wer

e on

ly y

oung

tadp

oles

, but

we

wer

e on

our

ow

n. I

rem

embe

r thi

nk, W

hen

I hav

e ki

ds,

it w

on’t

be li

ke th

is.

But

then

, sur

e en

ough

, I la

y ab

out 5

,000

egg

s. I w

asde

term

ined

to tr

eat e

ach

and

ever

y on

e of

them

like

an

indi

vidu

als.

Then

som

ethi

ng c

ame

over

me.

Sud

denl

y, I

just

hopp

ed u

p an

d le

ft. I

got o

n th

e In

tern

et a

nd lo

oked

up

frog

beh

avio

r. N

o w

onde

r I le

t my

tadp

oles

go!

Epilo

g I was

surp

rised

and

pro

ud a

t how

goo

d m

y ch

ildre

n al

ltu

rned

out

. Tho

usan

ds m

ade

it. T

hey

is g

ood

croa

kers

.Th

ey g

rew

up

tall

and

stra

ight

and

gre

en. J

ust l

ike

me!

Dea

r Sta

te-o

f-th

e-A

rt,

Rec

ently

, I se

en th

e m

ovie

Det

onat

ion,

star

ring

Arn

old

Mor

phus

. It h

ad a

lot o

f gre

at sp

ecia

l eff

ect.

But

, the

par

t Ilik

eded

bes

t com

e ne

ar th

e en

d. T

here

wer

e no

t no

car

chas

es, a

nd n

ot e

ven

any

spac

e al

iens

in th

e sc

ene.

The

two

char

acte

rs w

as ju

st ta

lkin

g. H

ow d

id th

ey d

o th

at?

Sign

ed, C

urio

usD

ear C

urio

us,

The

part

of th

e m

ovie

that

you

like

d is

cal

led

actin

g.A

ctin

g re

quire

s tha

t the

star

s act

, tal

k, a

nd m

ake

gest

ures

just

like

real

peo

ple.

Tho

ugh

actin

g in

toda

ys’m

ovie

s is

quite

rare

, bel

ieve

it o

r not

, in

the

olde

n da

ys, a

ctin

g w

asac

tual

ly q

uite

com

mon

in m

ovie

s!Si

gned

, Sta

te-o

f-th

e-A

rt

Dea

r Sta

te-o

f-th

e-A

rt,H

ow d

id th

ey m

ake

the

four

coc

kroa

ches

spea

k its

line

s in

the

mov

ie R

oach

Mot

el?

Sign

ed, P

UZZ

LED

Dea

r Puz

zled

,Th

is is

an

easy

one

! Th

ey ju

st h

old

up c

ue c

ards

. The

roac

h re

ad th

eir l

ines

righ

t off

the

cue

card

s.Si

gned

, Sta

te-o

f-th

e-A

rt

Que

stio

n: H

ow d

o w

e kn

ow th

at E

arth

goe

s aro

und

the

sun?

Dr.

Scie

nce:

It’s

obvi

ous t

hat E

arth

goe

s airo

und

som

ethi

ng.

Is it

a T

elep

hone

pol

e? Is

it a

racc

oon?

If y

ou lo

ok c

lose

ly

in a

scie

nce

book

you

will

see

a di

gram

with

a T

iny

Earth

tra

velin

g ar

ound

the

sun—

not a

roun

d a

tele

phon

e po

le o

r a

racc

oon?

Que

stio

n: W

hat a

re p

hoto

synt

hesi

s?D

r. Sc

ienc

e: P

hoto

synt

hesi

s is w

hat h

appe

ns w

hen

som

eone

is ta

king

a p

ictu

re a

nd y

ou lo

ok th

e ot

her w

ay.

Then

you

get

the

phot

ogra

ph b

ack

and

you

look

real

ly

stup

id. T

hen

you

say,

“Ph

otos

ynth

esis

cau

sed

that

to h

appe

n.”

Que

stio

n: H

ow d

o a

cum

pute

r wor

k?D

r. Sc

ienc

e: T

here

is th

ree

way

s to

mak

e a

com

pute

r wor

k.Fi

rst,

plug

it in

. Sec

ond

turn

it o

n. A

nd th

ird, s

ay o

ut lo

wd,

“Why

won

’t th

is th

ing

wor

k?”

Que

stio

n: W

hy d

o bi

rds f

ly so

uth?

Dr.

Scie

nce:

Bird

s are

look

ing

for c

oins

on

the

gro

und.

They

fly

a lit

tle b

it. T

hen

they

fly

a lit

tle b

it m

ore.

Pre

ttyso

on, t

hey

ends

up

in F

lorid

a.

Jenny Bosco, Olympic Swimmer, and Her Cat Ruffles, page 33 Ask Dr. Science, page 36

Behind the Special Effects in Today’s Hit Movies, page 32 A Statement From Class President Mona Turpin, page 35

Ber

t: W

elco

me

to th

e qu

iz sh

ow, “

Are

You

Jeal

ous?

” I’m

Ber

t Env

y, yo

ur h

ost.

Our

firs

t con

testu

nt is

Edn

a Fi

nger

s.Ed

na, h

ere

are

your

firs

t que

stion

. Sup

pose

you

r bes

t frie

ndJa

sper

get

s a n

ew p

uppy

for h

is bi

rthda

y. A

re y

ou je

alou

s.Ed

na: N

o, B

ert,

I’m

not

.B

ert:

Cor

rect

for 5

0 po

ints

! And

wha

t’s y

our r

eson

, Edn

a?Ed

na: I

has

my

own

pupp

y, B

ert.

Plus

, my

pupp

y do

esn’

tch

ew o

n sh

oes t

he w

ay Ja

sper

’s pu

ppy

does

.B

ert:

Very

nic

e, E

dna,

her

e’s y

our s

econ

d qu

estio

n.Su

ppos

e Ja

sper

get

invi

ted

to g

o ov

er to

Sco

oter

’s ho

use

topl

ay a

nd y

ou d

on’t

get t

o go

. Are

you

jeal

ous?

Edna

: No,

I’m

not

, Ber

t. I’l

l tel

l you

why

. I d

on’t

like

to g

oov

er to

Sco

oter

’s an

d pl

ay w

ith h

is V

ideo

gam

es. I

’d ra

ther

stay

her

e by

mys

elf.

Ber

t: A

nd th

at is

cor

rect

for 1

00 p

oint

s! N

ow h

ere’

s you

rfi

nal q

uest

ion,

Edn

a. Y

our f

rien

d Ja

sper

get

s to

be o

n th

eTV

show

“W

ho w

ants

a S

andw

ich?

” Ar

e yo

u je

alou

s?Ed

na: N

o, I’

m n

ot B

ert,

beca

use

I’m

cur

rent

ly a

ppea

ring

on a

TV

show

.B

ert:

“Who

Wan

ts a

San

dwitc

h?”

is a

mor

e po

pula

r sho

wth

an “A

re Y

ou Je

alou

s?”

So, y

ou’re

inco

rrec

t, Ed

na. Y

oush

ould

be je

alou

s. Th

at’s

myn

us 1

50 p

oint

s! W

hich

brin

gsyo

ur sc

ore

to z

ero,

goo

se e

gg, n

othi

ng.

Edna

: Bye

, Ber

t. I’

m g

oing

to tr

y ou

t for

“W

ho W

ants

aSa

ndw

ich?

”B

ert:

That

’s al

l the

tim

e w

e ha

s now

. See

you

nex

t tim

e?

My

fello

w C

lass

mat

es, a

s pre

ssid

ent o

f our

cla

ss, I

know

that

you

hav

e pu

t you

r tru

st in

me.

You

trus

ted

me

whe

n yo

u el

ecte

d m

e pr

esid

ent.

You

truste

d m

e w

hen

we

pass

ed th

e re

cess

rul

e th

at in

crea

sed

the

leng

th o

f rec

ess

by o

ver 1

5 pu

rcen

t. Yo

u tru

sted

me

whe

n I a

sked

for t

heir

supp

ort o

n th

e ca

ndy

ban.

At t

hat t

ime;

I exp

lain

ed h

ow I

felt.

Can

dy is

bad

for

you.

It ro

t you

r tee

th. I

t’s e

xpen

sive.

Bas

ical

ly, i

t has

no

plac

ein

our

scho

ol.

Whe

n w

e pa

ssed

the

cand

y ba

n, I

felt

prou

d. I

felt

we

had

done

som

ethi

ng fo

r all

of th

e st

uden

ts o

f web

ster

Scho

ol. I

still

feel

that

way

.R

ecen

tly th

ough

, som

e tr

ubbl

ing

even

ts h

ave

com

e to

light

. Can

dy w

rapp

ers w

ere

foun

d in

my

lock

er. M

y bo

okba

g w

as d

escr

ibed

as “

smel

ling

like

choc

olat

e.I’d

like

to te

ll yo

u th

at th

ese

accu

satio

ns a

re a

mis

take

.I’d

like

to sa

y th

at I

didn

’t br

ing

cand

y to

scho

ol. I

’d li

keto

say

that

I di

dn’t

eat i

t sec

retly

in th

e St

uden

t Cou

ncil

Roo

m, s

tuff

ing

it in

to m

y m

outh

as f

ast a

s I c

ould

.B

ut if

I te

lled

you

thes

e th

ings

, I’d

be

lyin

g. A

ll I c

ante

ll yo

u is

that

I am

sorr

y. W

hat d

id I

lear

n fr

om th

is

expe

riens

e? I

lear

ned

abou

t hon

esty

. I le

arne

d ab

out

resp

onsi

bilit

y. I

lear

ned

that

it’s

easi

er to

talk

the

talk

than

to w

alk

the

wal

k. I

lear

ned

all o

f the

se th

ings

. But

mos

t of

all,

I le

arnt

som

ethi

ng a

bout

mys

elf.

I lea

rned

that

I re

ally

like

cand

y.

My

nam

e is

Jenn

y B

osco

. I’m

an

Oly

mpi

c sw

imm

er. I

swim

in th

e 50

-yar

d fre

e-sty

le d

og p

addl

e. I

alw

ays t

houg

htth

at R

uffle

s, m

y be

st fri

end,

wou

ld b

e th

ere

besid

e m

e.O

n th

e fi

rst d

ay o

f tra

inin

g, I

notic

e so

met

hing

was

wro

ng. I

jum

p in

the

pool

, but

Ruf

fles d

idn’

t fol

low

me.

I too

k he

r to

seve

n di

ffer

ent s

peci

alis

ts. T

hey

all c

ame

to th

e sa

me

conc

lusi

on: C

ats d

oesn

’t lik

e w

ater

.So

eac

h da

y, I

wou

ld sw

im la

ps. R

uffle

s wou

ld sa

t by

the

pool

read

ing

the

new

spap

er. B

ut, R

uffle

s see

m re

stle

ss.

Then

I he

ard

mor

e ba

d ne

ws.

I too

k R

uffle

s to

the

eye

doct

or. H

e te

ll m

e th

at c

ats c

an’t

read

.O

nce

agai

n, I

wer

e cr

ushe

d. I

thou

ght,

I’ll w

on a

gol

dm

edal

in th

e O

lym

pics

any

way.

Wel

l, I d

idn’

t win

a g

old

med

al. I

n fa

ct, I

mis

sed

the

who

le c

ompe

titio

n. O

n th

e da

y of

the

race

, I o

vers

leep

and

was

dis

qual

ifie

d. R

uffle

s’es

wat

ch h

ad st

oppe

d!I s

wam

any

way

. It w

as d

urin

g th

e di

ving

com

petit

ion.

I w

as a

lmos

t hit

by so

meo

ne d

oing

a tw

o-an

d-on

e-ha

lf-fu

ll-tw

istin

g ga

iner

. But

as t

he p

olic

e es

cort

ed m

e aw

ay, I

thou

ght a

bout

Ruf

fles.

She

may

hat

e w

ater

. She

may

nev

erle

arn

to re

ad. B

ut, s

he st

ill is

my

best

frie

nd. I

thin

k sh

ean

d I w

ill g

o ou

t for

the

thre

e-le

gged

race

nex

t Oly

mpi

cs.

your

haveis

are

thin

king

laid

bigg

est

left

were

saw

were

toda

y’s

thei

r

roac

hes

i

over

slep

tRu

ffle

s’s

was

ise

emed

told

jum

ped

don’

t a

s

s

s

e

a

u

does

o

is are

trou

blin

g

e told

c lear

ned

i have

a

a

a

d


48

Wrong Number!, page 37 Dan’s Fables: The Dog and the Donkey, page 40

“Win

ning

a m

atch

is g

reat

,” sa

id te

nnis

lege

nd T

anya

Mac

aren

a. “

But

do

you

know

wha

t’s m

ore

impo

rtan

t tha

n w

inni

ng? W

hat I

wea

r on

the c

ourt.

Tha

t’s w

hat i

t’s re

ally

all a

bout

.”It

was

n’t a

lway

s lik

e th

is fo

r Tan

ya M

acar

ena.

At o

nepo

int s

he w

as sa

tisfy

ed ju

st w

inni

ng m

atch

es. A

nd, a

s the

Top

play

er in

the

wor

ld, s

he w

on a

lot o

f mat

ches

.“B

ut so

met

hing

wer

e m

issi

ng,”

reve

aled

Tan

ya. “

Iw

ould

win

my

mat

ch, b

ut th

en I

wou

ld lo

ok o

ver a

nd se

eth

at m

y op

pone

nts o

utfi

t was

silli

est t

han

min

e. T

his

both

ered

me.”

So T

anya

hire

d M

inni

e Vu

lch

to d

esin

her

tenn

is o

utfi

ts.

Ms.

Vulc

h sa

id, “

I don

’t kn

ow n

othi

ng a

bout

fas

htio

n.Yo

u’ll

be a

ble

to te

ll by

my

desi

gns.”

Ove

r tim

e; M

s. Vu

lch

help

ed d

esig

n do

zens

of n

ewou

tfits

for T

anya

. Eac

h on

e w

as si

lly th

an th

e la

st.

“At f

irst,

my

outf

its w

ere

silly

, but

not

real

ly ri

dicu

lous

,”sa

id T

anya

. “Th

e re

al b

reak

thro

ugh

cam

e at

the

U.s.

Ope

n.I w

ore

wha

t can

be

disc

ribbe

d as

a c

low

n su

it.”

“I w

as a

maz

ed sh

e co

uld

play

with

thos

e bi

g flo

ppy

shoe

s and

the

red

rubb

er n

ose,”

con

fess

ed M

inni

e.B

ut T

anya

not

onl

y pl

ayed

—sh

e w

on! T

his m

ade

her

the

silli

est d

ress

ed a

nd w

orld

’s be

st te

nnis

pla

yer!

Rec

ently

the

idea

of e

lect

ing

a ho

rse

pres

iden

t, of

the

Uni

ted

Stat

es h

as c

ome

up fo

r con

side

ratio

n. C

onsi

der

thes

e po

ints

bas

ed o

n th

e U

.S. C

onst

itutio

n.

Hor

ses i

s nat

ural

bor

n ci

tisen

s. Th

e C

onst

itutio

n sa

ys th

at th

epr

esid

ent m

ust b

e a

Nat

ural

bor

n C

itize

n. T

hat’s

wha

t ho

rses

is, e

xcep

t for

thos

e th

at w

ere

born

in fo

reig

n co

untri

es. B

ut, y

ou w

ould

n’t e

xpec

t the

m to

run

for p

resi

dent

.

Hor

ses a

re h

ones

t. H

ave

you

ever

met

a d

ishh

ones

t hor

se?

Aho

rse

wou

ld m

ake

a go

od p

resi

dent

bec

ause

hor

ses n

ever

lie.

Hor

ses d

on’t

take

spec

ial i

nter

est m

oney

. Hue

man

s can

be

brib

ed w

ith m

oney

. All

hors

es w

ant a

re c

arro

ts a

nd su

gar

cube

s. Th

is m

akes

them

har

der t

o br

ibe.

Hor

ses k

now

wha

t it’s

like

to b

e rid

den

on a

nd c

ontro

lled

by th

e rid

er. T

hey

has l

earn

ed th

at th

ey d

on’t

alw

ays g

etth

ings

thei

r ow

n w

ay.

Hor

ses a

re g

ood

at b

alan

cing

the

budg

et. O

kay,

so h

ere’

son

e th

ing

that

isn’

t tru

e. H

orse

s pro

babl

y ai

n’t v

ery

good

at b

udge

ts. B

ut o

ther

wis

e; th

ey’d

mak

e go

od p

resi

dent

s.

Let’s

elle

ct a

hor

se so

on

Dan’s Fables: The Donkey and the Dog, page 39Can a Horse be Elected President

of the United States?, page 42

Great Sports Records: The Tanya Macarena Story, page 38 Great Sports Records: The Benny Bragan Story, page 41Th

ere

wer

e tw

o ou

ts in

the

nint

h in

ning

. Ben

ny B

raga

nw

as si

tting

on

the

benc

h. H

is te

am w

as lo

osin

g by

a sc

ore

of 1

9 to

0. B

ut B

enny

Bra

gan

was

nt’n

o lo

ser.

He

was

knoc

king

on

the

door

of o

ne o

f bas

ebal

l’s g

reat

est a

ll-tim

ere

cord

s: th

e nu

mbe

r of f

idge

ts in

one

gam

e.Th

e or

rigin

all r

ecor

d ha

d be

en se

t by

Old

Hos

sM

uelle

r bac

k in

193

1. B

ut O

ld H

oss h

ad a

big

ava

ntag

e.Pl

ayer

s wor

e itc

hy w

ool u

nifo

rms b

ack

then

, eve

n on

hot

sum

mer

day

s. N

o w

onde

r pla

yers

squi

rmed

and

fid

gete

dso

muc

h.B

enny

had

the

mis

fort

une

of p

layi

ng in

an

era

whe

npl

ayer

s wor

e C

otto

n un

iform

s. Ye

t her

e it

was

, the

nin

thin

ning

, and

bra

gan

had

fidg

eted

106

tim

es a

lread

y—th

at’s

over

ele

ven

fidg

ets p

er in

ning

!A

s the

pitc

her w

ent i

nto

his w

ind-

up, B

enny

sudd

enly

hear

d a

nois

e. It

wer

e th

unde

r. A

rain

clo

ud a

ppea

red.

Soon

, the

fie

ld w

as so

aked

with

rain

.B

enny

Bra

gan

was

one

fid

get s

hort

of th

e al

l-tim

e re

cord

.O

ne f

idge

t!D

id B

enny

Bra

gan

have

any

regr

ets.

“Not

real

ly,”

said

Ben

ny a

fter t

he g

ame.

“Th

e im

port

ant

thin

g is

that

I tri

ed. I

squi

rmed

and

fid

gete

d as

bes

t I c

ould

. I g

ave

it m

y al

l. I h

as n

o re

gret

s.”B

enny

Bra

gan

are

a sp

orts

her

oe w

e ca

n on

ly a

spire

to b

e!

The

follo

win

g is

som

e of

the

mos

t out

rage

ousl

y ro

ng

num

bers

eve

r dia

led.

Thi

s firs

t cal

l cam

e to

the

hous

e of

Mr.

Rud

y R

emo

of B

altim

ore,

mar

ylan

d. L

iste

n cl

oser

ly.

Cal

ler:

Hel

lo, w

ho’s

this

?R

udy:

No

who

is th

is?

Cal

ler:

I was

tryi

ng to

cal

l 555

-322

1.R

udy:

This

is 5

55-9

928.

You

’re n

ot e

ven

clos

e!C

alle

r:W

ow! Y

ou’re

righ

t. I’

m so

rry.

I re

ally

am

.R

udy:

That

’s ok

ay. I

t cou

ld h

appe

n to

any

one.

But

cou

ldit

happ

en to

any

one?

Lis

ten

to w

hat

happ

ens n

ext a

t the

Rem

o ho

useh

old.

Cal

ler:

Hel

lo, i

s Eric

a th

ere?

Rud

y:Th

ere

is n

ot n

o Er

ica

here

. Wha

t num

ber w

ere

you

tryin

g to

reac

h?C

alle

r:I a

m tr

ying

to re

ach

555-

3221

.R

udy:

Wel

l, yo

ur o

ff b

y a

mile

. Thi

s is 5

55-9

928.

Say

,di

dn’t

you

just

cal

l a fe

w m

inut

es a

go?

Cal

ler:

(dis

guis

ing

his v

oice

)W

ho, I

? N

o, it

mus

t hav

ebe

en so

meo

ne e

lse.

Ther

e yo

u ha

ve it

—a

num

ber s

o w

rong

that

we

have

our

espe

rts a

naly

ze th

e la

st fo

ur d

igits

. Do

you

know

wha

tth

ey fo

und!

Eve

ry d

igit

was

wro

ng! N

ot a

sing

le d

igit

was

co

rrec

t! N

ow, h

ow’s

that

for a

shoc

king

eve

nt?

Ther

e on

cet w

as a

dog

who

live

d w

ith a

far

mer

and

ado

nkey

. The

dog

slee

p al

l day

whi

le th

e do

nkey

wor

ked

inth

e fi

elds

.“I

’m ti

red

of w

orki

ng,”

said

the

donk

ey.

“I’m

tire

d of

slee

ping

” sa

id th

e do

g.“L

et’s

swits

h pl

aces

!” th

ey b

oth

said

sim

ulta

neou

sly.

The

next

mor

ning

, the

don

key

stay

ed h

ome

and

slep

t.Th

e do

g w

orke

d. T

he d

og p

ulle

d th

e w

agon

. It p

low

ed th

efi

elds

. The

dog

car

ried

bags

on

it’s b

ack.

As t

he d

ay

cont

inue

d, th

e do

g gr

ew m

ore

and

mor

e ex

host

ed.

The

donk

ey sl

ept.

The

donk

ey y

awne

d. It

sw

ishe

d fli

esw

ith it

s tai

l. Th

e do

nkey

look

ed in

the

win

dow

of t

hefa

rmer

s hou

se. I

t was

onl

y 9:

30 in

the

mor

ning

. The

do

nkey

wer

e bo

red.

Sle

epin

g al

l day

was

bor

ing.

That

eve

ning

, the

don

key

mee

t the

dog

at t

he fe

nce.

“W

ell,

how

did

it g

o, m

y fr

end?

” th

e do

nkey

ask

ed th

e do

g.“L

et’s

switc

h ba

ck to

our

old

role

s,”

said

the

dog.

“yo

uw

ork

and

I’ll

slee

p.”

“All

right

,” sa

id th

e do

nkey

.So

the

next

day

, the

don

key

wor

ked

and

the

dog

slep

t.A

nd th

ey c

ontin

ued

to b

e th

is w

ay fr

om th

en o

n.

The

mor

al o

f the

stor

y is

. . .

D

o no

t nev

er sw

itch

plac

es w

ith a

don

key.

zar

e

aren

’t

have

awa

sn’t

was is

have

orig

inal

was

slep

t

its

exha

uste

d

x

you’

re

me

hadar

e

are

was

silli

er

i

anyt

hing

g

silli

er

d

i

c

wTh

ere

once

was

a d

onke

y w

ho li

ved

with

a f

arm

er a

nda

dog.

The

don

key

wor

ked

hard

eve

ry d

ay. T

he d

onke

yca

rry

bund

les o

f stic

ks. I

t pul

led

the

plow

.Th

e do

g, o

n th

e ot

her h

and,

did

ver

y lit

tle b

ut sl

eep.

Ea

ch e

veni

ng o

n th

e po

rch,

the

dog

sat o

n th

e fa

rmer

s’la

p.

It lic

ked

the

farm

er’s

face

. The

farm

er sc

ratc

ht th

e do

g’s e

ars

and

said

, “W

hat a

goo

d do

g yo

u is

.”B

y an

d by

, the

don

key

bega

n to

gro

w g

ealo

us. “

Why

shou

ld I

wor

k so

har

d?”

it as

ked.

That

day

, the

don

key

refu

ssed

to w

ork.

Whe

n th

e fa

rmer

retu

rned

hom

e fr

om th

e fe

lds,

the

donk

eyca

me

runn

ing.

It ju

mpe

d in

to th

e fa

rmer

s lap

, jus

t lik

e a

dog.

Ittri

ed to

lick

the

farm

er’s

face

, jus

t lik

e a

dog.

“G

et o

ff!”

crie

d th

e fa

rmer

. You

’re to

o he

avy!

You

’llbr

oken

my

lap!

”Th

e fa

rmer

lock

ed th

e do

nkey

in th

e ba

rn. A

few

day

sla

ter h

e so

ld th

e do

nkey

to a

nei

ghbo

r. Th

e ne

ighb

orw

orke

d th

e do

nkey

ver

y ha

rd. S

he w

orke

d th

e do

nkey

muc

h ha

rder

than

the

farm

er h

ad.

“Wha

t a fo

ol I’

ve b

een,

” sa

id th

e do

nkey

. “no

w m

y lif

eis

muc

h w

orse

than

it w

as b

efor

e.”

The

mor

al o

f the

stor

y is

. . .

Be

who

you

is, u

nles

s you

’re

a fo

ol. T

hen,

don

’t be

who

you

are

.

carr

ied

farm

er’s

scra

tche

d

are

are

brea

k

j

i

are

desc

ribed


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