+

Preparing for the Prince of PeaceThe process of reconciliation

+Reconciliation begins with - - - - - Forgiveness One essential step in forgiveness is to develop

empathy Empathy is – Seeing the world through the eyes of the

other person. Recall the hurt Empathize with the one who hurt you The need for true humility A choice to forgive Maintaining forgiveness

+A picture of possible choices in the process of reconciliation.

+Kendall on failure to forgive – what happens when we don’t forgive?1. Salvation is unconditional; fellowship with the Father

is conditional.

2. Justification before God is unconditional; the anointing of the Spirit is conditional.

3. Our status in the family of God is unconditional; our intimacy with Christ is conditional

4. We do not have the true freedom that God desires for his children.

+Some Characteristics of a spirit of unforgiveness. Resentment that continues to simmer within. Rumination about the hurt or abuse A desire to get justice in some way A real desire to make the person pay for their crimes

against you. Seeking revenge by hurting the other person’s

reputation Matthew 6:15 – “But if you do not forgive men their

sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.”

+The importance of not inflating the actual hurt – by talking to others Is it really necessary for me to say this? Will this encourage the listener? Will it serve to build that person up in their

own character? Will it reflect our sense of the dignity of that

person? The “gift” of criticism is not clearly listed in

the scripture.

+The approach to reconciliation

The scriptural teaching on reconciliation is central

Matthew 5:24 –”If you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that you brother has something against you, leave you gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother and then come and offer your gift.”

+The Ministry of Reconciliation

2 Corinthians 5:18-20 “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new

creation; the old has gone the new has come. All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation: that God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting men’s sins against them. And he has committed to us the message of reconciliation. We are therefore Christ’s ambassadors, as though God were making his appeal through us.”

+Personal preparation for reconciliation It is obvious that we can only reconcile to others when

we ourselves have experienced our reconciliation to God through faith in Jesus Christ.

Several things begin to take place when we become motivated to reconcile Our attitude toward others is characterized by genuine

concern for them. Our spirits are humbled in recognition that we too are

broken and sinful persons We acknowledge before God that we are forgiving toward

those who have hurt us. We are willing to be obedient to do what God calls us to do.

+The meaning of TOTAL FORGIVENESS Matthew 6:15 – “If you do not forgive men their sins,

you Father will not forgive your sins.” Forgiving is like reconciliation not optional for the

obedient Christian. A willingness to forgive reflects a thankful heart for

God’s grace in forgiving us. We participate in God’s redemptive purpose in the

world. Total forgiveness is a lifestyle not an event.

+ TOTAL FORGIVENESS means:

We are willing and able to face our own faults first. When we are hurt the emphasis is often on the pain

that another has caused us. Pain is easily remembered.

We are learning to depend upon God for the inner strength required to be a forgiving person.

Kendall says: “Forgiveness is not total forgiveness until we bless our enemies – and pray for them to be blessed.”

+Steps in totally forgiving others.(Kendall) 1. Make the deliberate and irrevocable choice not to tell

anyone what they did. 2. If you are around them, be pleasant to them. 3. If there is a conversation, say that which would set them

free from guilt. 4. Be willing to let them feel good about themselves. 5. Protect them from their greatest fear. (the sharing of the

secret of what they have done). 6. Keep on forgiving them today, tomorrow, and - - - 7. Pray for them regularly - - - -

+For the RECORD!

I Corinthians 13: Love keeps no record of wrongs! We destroy the easily kept record of our own rights. We remind ourselves often about God’s willingness to

forgive our sins…. The statement of reconciliation – “God has put away all

of your sins.” (The importance of the confessional – ‘The rite of reconciliation’.

+Reconciliation step one – Conflict Resolution To begin to work on reconciliation it is essential to be

able to resolve the conflict that led to the breakdown of relationship

Old patterns of responding usually are ineffective and new ways of responding need to be undertaken.

The capacity to acknowledge the desire for resolution of the conflict is essential in order to begin the process.

Remember that for the Christian reconciliation is a mandate not just a possibility.

What are the limitations of reconciliation?

+Vision Cast Conflict

Resolution

Relationships in Perspective

• Good start… Promises, vows• Bilateral, conditional•Yet… in time may become a yoke• Personal needs disregarded• Life-space impinged upon• Interpersonal differences appear• Issues become salient

Original Intention

Male Female

Ec-stasis

The Breakdown in Intimacy

• The entrance of sin• The rupture of fellowship• Guilt and shame• Anxiety: In the open• Broken dialogue• The need for redemption

The Consequences of Sin

APO-STASIS

Male Female

Conflict

• Degree of Conflict• Consequences

• Distancing• Manipulative patterns• Struggles for control• Diminished zest, pleasure• Anger, hurt, pain, dread

Assess the Potential for Resolution

• Love: Basic imitation of God’s ways• Dispositional stance to work• Willingness to demonstrate flexibility• Capacity to define the issues• Insight into the problems• Willingness to change• Clear communication• Ability to bargain

Assess Previous Attempts at Resolution

• What has been done in the past?• Are the issues repetitive? If so, are the means employed the same?• Do the parties involved demonstrate some learning capacity, as to profit from insight gathered by recounting the ways in which things were handled?• Do the parties involved demonstrate alternative ways, or are they stuck in unproductive response patterns? •Do they demonstrate an attitude of repentance and evidence a true desire for reconciliation?

Faulty Resolution Patterns

• Utilizing defenses• Denial• Projection, blame• Avoidance, dejection• Tuning-out, “unplugging”• Becoming “legalistic”• Staying… stable, unsatisfied

Faulty Resolution Patterns

• Giving in without processing• False humility • Passive aggressive patterns• Pretending, faking• Adopting a martyr stance• Playing games

Faulty Resolution Patterns

• Trying to win at any cost• Over-spiritualizing

• Misdirected, mistaken sincerity• Denial of pathology, blaming demons, environment• Purposive slanting of meaning

• A party manipulates/takes advantage of the spiritual stance of the other

Approaches in Conflict Resolution

Bilateral

The Basics: The Old Covenant as a Paradigm

Conditional

Inflexible: Stones

Retaliatory

Holy, good, perfect...

Inoperative due to human failure, weakness

Resolution Patterns for Fair Fighting

• Identify the issue• Set appropriate times• Select a proper place• Define a starting point• Keep on target• Be willing to work with a mediator or peacemaker

Resolution Patterns for Fair Fighting

• No punching after the bell sounded• No third parties allowed in coalition with one party to knock down the

other• No other weapons than words allowed• No unfair utilization of the past allowed

• If the issue has been previously confessed, properly worked upon and forgiven/resolved

+ Establishing a Quid Pro Quo

Assess needs, expressed in complaintsChoose from excesses and deficits target requestsPrioritize the translated requests

Interchange requests through the counselor-mediatorOffer privileges, equivalents to the requests made by the other person (reframing and rendering in + terms)Establish a bilateral, conditional contract, in which both win and no one loses

Establish a definite period: One week, and assess

+ Establishing a Quid Pro Quo

After a week, assess the progress

Pinpoint what was difficult to enact, what was easierCorrect levels, intensity, frequency, etc. and restateCompose other clauses, better terms, refine aimsHelp the parties to redefine their terms, to adjust their expectations, as you proceed toward a second weekAssess in what manner and to what extent the needs of each party are being fulfilled, probe more in depthFollow the track… adjust, refine the process/feedback

Asess the relationship

Gather information about their interactions/complaints

Decide to take an initiative

Move in the desirable direction

Evaluate the decisions taken

Continue along the road taken

Decide to change direction

Re-e

valu

ateExcesses Déficits Assets

The Terms of a New Covenant

• Unilateral• Unconditional• Proactive• Grace and mercy• Forgiveness and forgetfulness• Intrinsic to the heart and mind• Truth in love, empowering by Spirit• Positive relationship promoting

That Day

Chronos

This Day

Stewardship of Relations: Accountability

In Summary and conclusion: Forgiveness and reconciliation that lead to restoration.

Significant and meaningful change always begins with a forgivingspirit.

Forgiveness must be total for there to be freedom to accomplishwhat God intends for the relationship

Reconciliation is a process of redemptive work between two peopleor groups. Both parties must be ready and willing to participate

Learning to resolve conflict is the process by which old patterns of behavior are set aside and new patterns learned.

Restoration of relationships is the way of love – God’s love that becomes an incarnational experience.

Holiness begins with interpersonal humility, characterized bygrace and mercy.