WEDDINGSSWAYED BY THE SELL

Does today’s media effect a woman’s decision to say “I Do”?

Stephanie Hayes

Marriage is one of the oldest traditions in this world, but the traditions and ceremonies have changed over time. What once used to be personal, ritualistic, and spiritual, now has seemed to turn into a lavish display of rings, dresses, and false ideas of what to expect in

an actual supposedly forever lasting commitment to another.

The question to ask here is, Are people marrying for the marriage? Or are they marrying for the idea of marriage? What is provoking people to marry before they realize the true vow they are about to make. There has got to be a reason for today's high divorce rates.

There has got to be a reason why more and more women are delaying if not avoiding marriage all together now more than ever

before. Are we putting too high of expectations on marriage?

Have we lost the true meaning of a husband and wife coupledom?

What is the cause?

INTRODUCTION

The media is constantly advertising over-extravagant weddings, “Bridezilla” mindsets, and material aspects of a

wedding ceremony that it would seem appealing to any woman. Women who would normally want to wait to have a marital commitment may feel tempted to pursue marriage sooner because of the attractiveness of such a ceremony,

which may have the unintended consequence of taking the plunge before they are ready, leaving them to question the

commitment later in life.

The media will not stop these portrayals, products need to sell, but what can be done is more education, informing people early in their lives of the real ideas of marriage,

seeking guidance and making counseling accessible so that when hopeful women see that huge diamond ring in the

window, they won't be blinded by the bling.

WHAT IS THE CAUSE?

A wedding ceremony is a celebration…

It’s the ultimate declaration of the unification of two people.

It’s the event that allows loved ones to witness that unification.

And it could even be argued that having a wedding ceremony makes it seem more official.

Weddings have always had their traditions. The white dress, the ring that bound the woman to the man, the cake, the gifts… but throughout history symbols may have held

the same meaning but seem to have changed in appearance, and arguably… expectation.

What once was considered a valuable gesture was a simple band of gold. A metal that was durable, precious, yet modest. Now what seems to lay on the finger of most

American women is a lavish display of sparkle.

Wearing a hand-me-down dress of the color of purity was considered extravagant enough decades ago, and now we have women who seem to be unsatisfied until they

have found the “perfect” dress for their personality.

One cannot deny the high standard our society has seemed to put on the traditions of matrimony. A wedding ceremony is a fundamental statement when marrying the

partner of your life. But they have become so extravagant and indulgent, that it seems to have made the goal of choice, which sways from the actual goal… lifelong

commitment.

WHY HAVE A CEREMONY?

“But there is an important but neglected positive aspect that explains why people voluntarily enter into

commitments like marriage: it is way of expressing your love and devotion to another person. Not the only way, of course, but a well-established and particularly declarative

way.

a traditional wedding ceremony, a couple stands up in front of the people who mean the most to them in the world and promise to love each other, support each other, and be true to each other, is what gives that public statement its force.”

“Strong feelings and sensations of any kind carry an illusion of certainty. With the exception of resentment, no emotional

experience has more illusion of certainty than love. ”

PSYCHOLOGY TODAY

MEDIA

An analysis of our society’s bridal advertising

Bridal Magazines Commercials

ADVERTISEMENTS

The truth is that putting together a wedding is a big deal, and in

today’s society we rely on businesses to get what is needed.

Businesses need to sell their product, and sales teams have

figured out the power of rhetoric and appealing to emotion in

advertising.

And love, feelings of intimacy and romance, are highly

appealing emotions.

So why not use it to their advantage?

ADVERTISEMENTS

These advertisements are putting all their emphasis on

the ideals of love, and the inflated dreams of marriage.

When women in our society are faced with bridal

advertisements displaying the over-extravagance of wedding ceremonies, it’s plausible that they may lose sight of the fact

that the ceremony will eventually be over, where the

realities of love enter and then the partnership is challenged

into real love.

ANALYSIS

There are three types of love:

Eros: romantic love; sensual love

Philia: friendship love, companionship love

And then there’s…

Agape: self-giving love, gift love;

the love that goes on loving even when the other becomes unlovable

When you have two people coming together as one, conflict and challenges are

inevitable, even unavoidable. It’s how the couple works through these difficult times that prove their love. It’s their commitment level that determines their devotion to their future. Not the dress. Not the ring. It’s this unconditional love that should be focused

on,

not the wedding ceremony.

WHAT IS REAL LOVE?

PERSONAL ACCOUNTS

Question One: What made you decide to get married?

Question Two: Do you think the media may influence a

woman’s decision to marry?

22 years old

Single

Never Married

JILLIAN

Question One: What made you decide to get married?

“Are you kidding?? I’m terrified of marriage! The idea of

being with one person for the rest of my life…? I just

want to focus on myself.”

Question Two: Do you think the media may influence a woman’s decision to marry?

“Maybe?? Me personally, I LOVE wedding shows, and I

admit to having bought [Bridal] magazines… I love the

hair and make-up, and the dresses… but it doesn’t make

me want to get married. I’ve got my priorities straight!

Although… if I could have the wedding without the

marriage that’d be awesome!”

20 Years Old

Engaged

Dated Six Months

MELISSA

Question One: What made you decide to get married?

“I knew I was going to marry him right away. He has all the

qualities I look for in a husband… I’m myself around him…

and I just can’t wait to start my life with him.”

Question Two: Do you think the media may influence a woman’s decision to marry?

“No, not really… I mean, maybe for some people. But I just

like to watch wedding shows and stuff because it’s

entertaining. Plus they give some really great ideas, haha!”

25 Years Old

Married

Newlywed

AMANDA

Question One: What made you decide to get married?

“We met in high school… none of my friends liked

him… my parents definitely didn’t like him… but I

don’t know, we just had such a great connection

right off the bat. It was just so natural with him. I

wasn’t worried about the future, I just wanted to be

with him.”

Question Two: Do you think the media may influence a woman’s decision to

marry?

“Um… I’ve never thought of that before… but since

you’re bringing it up I would say yeah, I think the

media does influence women’s decision to marry. I

wanted to have a nice dress and a nice ring but at

the end of the day I just wanted to make us

permanent. So I guess it depends on the woman and

how she ultimately views marriage.”

30 Years Old

Married Seven Years

New Mom

EMILY

Question One: What made you decide to get married?

“Well, he was the first man I had ever loved… the best

friend I had ever had… plus I didn’t have a very good

living situation at home, and he was a way out I guess?

We lived together for awhile which I think lead to the

ease of making the decision to marry ‘cause it was no big

deal and I already knew he was the one I was going to be

with.”

Question Two: Do you think the media may influence a woman’s decision to marry?

“Not really… I mean maybe it sets higher expectations…?

But I think women marry because they want to get

married, and putting together a beautiful ceremony is a

plus.”

32 Years Old

Divorced

Married for Twelve Years

THERESA

Question One: What made you decide to get married?

“My religion had a major influence on my decision to

marry. We were encouraged to marry young. I was in

love with him and that was enough for me but in

retrospect we should have waited.”

Question Two: Do you think the media may influence a woman’s decision to marry?

“Yes, but not all women. I think it depends on their

personality, and their self-esteem. Like, if a Bridal

Magazine at the checkout makes you want to have a

husband then maybe it’s time to search within yourself

a little bit.”

46 Years Old

Married Twenty-Nine Years

Still in Love

ANGELA

Question One: What made you decide to get married?

“He said, ‘I want to take care of you.’ I had never had

anyone say anything like that to me before… and the

combination of our deep friendship, plus that phrase, to

me, was what made me say ‘yes’… in that moment

everything stood still... I thought, This is gonna be

fun…!”

Question Two: Do you think the media may influence a woman’s decision to marry?

“I do, I think it influences women both ways though…

obviously the media is very influential and I think that for

young women, especially looking for independence…

getting married is that next grown up step.”

UNINTENDED CONSEQUENCES

Possible influences the media has caused

Divorce“ T he   d i v o rce   ra te i n A me r i c a f o r fi r s t mar r i ag e , v e r sus se c o nd o r t h i rd ma r r i ag e i s 50% p e rce n t o f fi r s t mar r i ag e s , 67% o f s e co nd and 74% o f t h i rd mar r i ag e s e nd i n d i v o rce , ac co rd ing t o J e nn i f e r B ake r o f t he   Fo re s t I n s t i t u t e o f P ro fe s s i o na l Psy c ho l o g y   i n S p r ing fi e l d , M i s so ur i . ”

Delayed MarriageAccording to the U.S. Census Bureau, fi fty years ago in 1961 the average age for men and women to marry was 22 and 20. In 2011, i t was 28 and 26.

SOCIAL CHANGE

When our media regarding bridal advertising places all emphasis on the idealistic aspects of marriage, it’s plausible that it sways women into thinking that they want to have a marriage, without having the maturity or education to determine the level of commitment that they are actually making, and when the challenges come, women are left wondering what happened? Where has their

love gone?

Maybe he isn’t ‘the one’?

It may also have the tendency to cause women to set too high of expectations, which can cause great disappointment when the excitement of the wedding is

over and they are left with the responsibility of nurturing a lifelong commitment.

Getting married too soon or too young and as a result failing in the marriage. Which creates a negative stigma in our society that marriage is something to

fear, which may be one reason why more and more women are choosing to delay taking the vow, when marriage is not to be feared, rather it should just be taken

seriously.

SOCIAL CHANGE

“When a couple first declares their love and devotion to each other, and makes that commitment, it comes from their hearts—they want to make those promises voluntarily

in expression of their love.”

“When the commitment is voluntarily, the positive aspect gets all the emphasis, and the negative hardly seems important.”

“...until later on, when the bloom falls from the rose. Now the promises do not seem so voluntary, the ring seems heavier, and marriage seems more like the list of ‘thou shalt

nots’."

“At this point, commitment seems externally coerced, a institutional legacy of the foolishness of youth that only now made be paid for.”

“But even the mostly glorious, romantic marriages can decline over time, and one or both partners may start to resent the promises they once made so freely.”

 ”…part of blame for the excessive emphasis on the negative aspect of commitment must also be laid on the contractual nature of marriage (with its historical roots in exchange

of property rather than affection).”

PSYCHOLOGY TODAY

“Entering marriage starry-eyed and blind to your partner's weaknesses only foreshadows future disappointment and

relationship trouble.”

“Couples with steady, longer courtship periods and awareness of each others' strengths and weaknesses were more likely to remain happily married over the long term.”

“Couples with "Hollwyood Romances"-- bursting, passionate courtships that quickly result in marriage-- quickly grew

dissatisfied as spouses, and predictably, were more likely to divorce within seven years.”

PSYCHOLOGY TODAY

“It's only in the last 20 years that women have said they'd marry just for love, It used to be that people were

embarrassed to admit they loved their spouse, but now they're embarrassed to admit the other reasons for

marriage.”

“Both sexes tie the knot due to a combination of love and social pressure.”

FORBES MAGAZINE

“Marriage is a more powerful symbol here. It's the ultimate merit badge of personal life. And if it doesn't fulfill people's

(often overwrought) expectations, they leave.”

“It is the decision that couples make to strengthen commitment and move in together that is important, rather

than marital status per se.”

“Marriage can always end, and the protection it once offered offspring is now covered by child-support laws.”

TIME MAGAZINE

“If you plan to marry it is certain that you have a preconceived fantasy of your ideal mate or the perfect marriage. After awhile you

will begin to realize that your fantasy and the person you have married will begin to diverge sharply. “

“You misconstrued words of the wedding ceremony ‘and the two shall become one’ to mean that your mate should become like you

and your fantasy.”

“You would become one in likes, even reactions and feelings: YOURS!”

“The oneness in marriage is not similarity or sameness in matters relating to ideas or feelings but to the oneness of understanding.”

BEFORE YOU SAY “I DO”

SOLUTIONS

Ways our society can prevent weddings being

swayed by the sell

Our academics go beyond the teachings of math and science…

Is it not also to prepare our children,

our future society,

for the realities of life?

Creating courses in our high schools that educate our young students of life how to manage relationships and social interaction

will better equip them when they have matured into the adult world. Courses that which inform an adolescent healthy ways to

cope with relationship conflict, to utilize certain mental tools when interacting with others, and to understand the many differences of members of the opposite sex. Practicing this may not only create

healthier relationships in the future, but also mold a more an individual into a more well-rounded contributor of society.

EDUCATE

We can’t change the media, but we can change how we inform.

The causes for divorce are perpetually dissected and analyzed…

How might it be prevented?

Can it be prevented?

This is uncertain, though scholars seem to be hard at work with finding the answers. Perhaps, what is certain, is that we can at least try to counteract the failure of marriages in our country.

And it could be with something as simple as guidance.

Creating a health system where free, frequent, and encouraged counseling to married couples, as well as prospective ones, is

provided has the potential to not only revocate the dissolving of marriages, but the changed perceptions of marriage counseling

in general.

COUNSEL

We can’t change the media, but we can change how we help.

RESEARCH

Bibliography and Work-Cited

Clark, Jerusha. When I Get Married--: Surrendering the Fantasy, Embracing the Reality. Colorado Springs, CO: NavPress, 2009. Print.

Davis, Lisa Selin. "All but the Ring: Why Some Couples Don't Wed." Time. Time, 25 May 2009. Web. 21 Mar. 2012. <http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,1898346,00.html>.

Flanagan Ph. D., Kelly. "Marriage Is for Losers." UnTangled. 2 Mar. 2012. Web. 21 Mar. 2012. <http://drkellyflanagan.com/2012/03/02/marriage-is-for-losers/>.

Goudreau, Jenna. "Why Men and Women Get Married." Forbes. Forbes Magazine, 27 May 2010. Web. 21 Mar. 2012. <http://www.forbes.com/2010/05/26/why-do-men-women-get-married-forbes-woman-well-being-love-money.html>.

I, A. N. "Relationships." Why Women in Their 20s Rush into Marriage. Hindustan Times, 11 Sept. 2011. Web. 21 Mar. 2012. <http://www.hindustantimes.com/Lifestyle/Relationships/Why-women-in-their-20s-rush-into-marriage/Article1-766849.aspx>.

Moss, Aron. "Why Get Married?" - Readings. ChaBad.org Lifecycle Events, 27 Feb. 2006. Web. 21 Mar. 2012. <http://www.chabad.org/library/article_cdo/aid/361650/jewish/Why-Get-Married.htm>.

Rodolfo, Mendoza-Denton. "The Fantasy of Perfect Love." Perfect for Me. Psychology Today, 14 Mar. 2012. Web. 21 Mar. 2012. <http://www.psychologytoday.com/collections/201203/the-fantasy-perfect-love/perfect-me>.

Simon Ph.D., Caroline J. "The Fantasy of Perfect Love." Illusive Lovers' Dreams. Psychology Today, 14 Mar. 2012. Web. 21 Mar. 2012. <http://www.psychologytoday.com/collections/201203/the-fantasy-perfect-love/illusive-lovers-dreams>.

Stosny, Steven. "The Fantasy of Perfect Love." Love Big, Think Small. Psychology Today, 2 Mar. 2009. Web. 21 Mar. 2012. <http://www.psychologytoday.com/collections/201203/the-fantasy-perfect-love/love-big-think-small>.

White Ph. D., Mark D. "Maybe It's Just Me, But..." Why Get Married? The Value of Commitment. Psychology Today, 3 Aug. 2010. Web. 21 Mar. 2012. <http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/maybe-its-just-me/201008/why-get-married-the-value-commitment>.

Wright, H. Norman, and Wes Roberts. Before You Say "I Do": A Marriage Preparation Manual For Couples. Eugene: Harvest House, 1997. Print.

"The English Bride: Why Marry? The Purposes of Marriage." University of Michigan. Web. 21 Mar. 2012. <http://www.umich.edu/~ece/student_projects/wedding_bride/purposes.html>.

BIBLIOGRAPHY

Davis, Lisa Selin. "All but the Ring: Why Some Couples Don't Wed." Time. Time, 25 May 2009. Web. 21 Mar. 2012. <http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,1898346,00.html>.

Goudreau, Jenna. "Why Men and Women Get Married." Forbes. Forbes Magazine, 27 May 2010. Web. 21 Mar. 2012. <http://www.forbes.com/2010/05/26/why-do-men-women-get-married-forbes-woman-well-being-love-money.html>.

Rodolfo, Mendoza-Denton. "The Fantasy of Perfect Love." Perfect for Me. Psychology Today, 14 Mar. 2012. Web. 21 Mar. 2012. <http://www.psychologytoday.com/collections/201203/the-fantasy-perfect-love/perfect-me>.

Simon Ph.D., Caroline J. "The Fantasy of Perfect Love." Illusive Lovers' Dreams. Psychology Today, 14 Mar. 2012. Web. 21 Mar. 2012. <http://www.psychologytoday.com/collections/201203/the-fantasy-perfect-love/illusive-lovers-dreams>.

Stosny, Steven. "The Fantasy of Perfect Love." Love Big, Think Small. Psychology Today, 2 Mar. 2009. Web. 21 Mar. 2012. <http://www.psychologytoday.com/collections/201203/the-fantasy-perfect-love/love-big-think-small>.

White Ph. D., Mark D. "Maybe It's Just Me, But..." Why Get Married? The Value of Commitment. Psychology Today, 3 Aug. 2010. Web. 21 Mar. 2012. <http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/maybe-its-just-me/201008/why-get-married-the-value-commitment>.

Wright, H. Norman, and Wes Roberts. Before You Say "I Do": A Marriage Preparation Manual For Couples. Eugene: Harvest House, 1997. Print.

WORK-CITED