Dying to Really Live

He died, not believing in God, then was sent back to tell

his story, that death is nothing to fear.

Copyright © 2014, Duane F. Smith

All right reserved

Duane F. Smith

5

Preview of Chapter

1

FIVE MONTHS TO LIVE

“The world is a fine place and I would hate,

very much, to leave it.”

Ernest Hemingway

In my late 30s, my life took an unexpected turn. Just when it

seemed to be coming together as planned, something seemed

vaguely off key. It was nothing I could put a finger on, just a vague

feeling that I had missed a turn somewhere. Then, over the next

year or so, I slowly entered what St. John of Cross, a Carmelite of

the 16th Century, referred to as “The Night of the Soul.” Later, I

would realize this was the beginning of a new phase in my life.

At the time, my business and professional life had progressed

to the point where my wife and I could afford what we thought, at

the time at least were the things for which we had dreamed,

worked, and planned. These were all the things we assumed, and

society had taught us, would bring us happiness. Early in my life, I

had watched people who had money and nice things and decided I

wanted to be rich. I assumed that people with boats, cars, airplanes

and all of life’s toys had to be happy, right? So when I was young,

when people asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, I’d

always replied “a millionaire.”

Now, our wonderful little family consisted of two pre-teen

daughters, around whom our lives revolved, the family dog, and

independent cat. We were happily ensconced in a beautiful old

Cape Cod, our home in the idyllic Shakespeare mecca of Ashland,

Oregon. In our garage were the requisite “his and her” Mercedes.

Mine was a sedan and hers a sports model purchased for her last

birthday. Out at the airport were two airplanes just looking for

FIVE MONTHS TO LIVE

6

ways to prove their worth to the family, one for local flying and

one for long distance. With a posh ski area just a few miles outside

of town and sailboat for the lake, we seemingly had it all. I had to

be happy, right?

It was icing on the cake that my “other family,” kids from the

experimental program where I taught school after getting out of the

Army, were mostly doing well also. The program had been for kids

who struggled with school and often had challenges at home. For

quite a few of the students, our classroom had become somewhat

of a surrogate family, and many had stayed in touch. Even the most

broken of the bunch, a little girl named Teresa, seemed to be on

her way to getting her life figured out. As I looked at my life, I

seemed to have it all, and what I didn’t have was within easy

reach.

Early in my life, I had discovered the power of goal setting

and in my late 30s I had achieved almost all of my life’s goals –

yes, even the millionaire part, several times over. We had been

building bigger houses and took longer and more extravagant

vacations. For several years now, I had felt we were just one step

away from happiness; just one more “something” and we’d finally

be there, we’d be satisfied and happy – ready to really enjoy life.

All the same, even the last six-week family vacation in

Europe, although perfect, still hadn’t scratched the itch I always

felt. Now, I began to suspect that the next bigger and better

“something” wasn’t going to do it either. And, of course, it never

did. In fact, what made it worse was the growing realization that I

really didn’t have any idea what real happiness was, or how or

where to find it. I had come to realize that happiness was more

than another new boat or bigger, faster airplane, or longer vacation

somewhere. Then, when my wife began talking about how our next

new house needed to be smaller to be perfect, I knew she was

sensing the same unspoken frustrations as I was.

About this time, to make matters even worse, something that

had started out as a minor health annoyance took a turn for the

worse. Fortunately, a doctor from The Stanford Medical Center in

DYING TO REALLY LIVE

7

California took on my case. After a thorough examination, he

seemed optimistic. He said they were developing a new operation

and it was going to be the breakthrough they were seeking in the

treatment of my apparently untreatable condition. Furthermore, he

said they were about to do another test-case operation and thought

I might be an excellent candidate for the new procedure. While

characterized as major surgery, it could offer significant relief if all

went well. And if it didn’t work, my prognosis wasn’t good

anyway. To my wife and me, there was no question of our decision

because, without the surgery, where would I be?

More testing began and I was poked and prodded everywhere

and relieved of bodily fluids I didn’t know I had. In spite of what

the doctors had said, once all the tests were completed, it seemed

the prognosis wasn’t so bright after all. The doctors, as a group,

felt that my condition had already deteriorated too far to survive

the operation.

Furthermore, even if I were willing to risk the new procedure,

no doctor wanted to operate on a man who they felt might just die

on the operating table. Clearly, though they didn't admit it, they

didn’t want to jeopardize their whole program, and new

experimental procedure, by having one of their first with the

patient dying in the process.

Their advice to us was go home and get my affairs in order as

I had, at the most, only five months to live. I was only 41, and

someway it really didn’t sink in at first. We knew we had hit a

rough patch of sailing in our life, but we didn’t really realize what

was ahead.

So, I suppose that was why their verdict had less impact on me

than I would have expected. Maybe it was because of the bone-

numbing fatigue I was feeling, after months of little or no sleep.

Maybe it was because, in some vague way, the fatigue aligned with

other feelings I was having. While I wasn’t actually ready to give

up, even before I realized I was in trouble, I had been wondering if

what we had was all there was to life?

But, as time went on, I did begin to give up. I remember

FIVE MONTHS TO LIVE

8

thinking that a thousand years from now, it wouldn’t matter

anyway; dead is dead. Then, I gradually became used these new

feelings. Partly, perhaps, because the detached feeling of being so

very tired made life seem devoid of meaning. It was as if part of

me was dead already, but I was still walking around. So the days

went on, and death became more inviting all the while.

If you are ready for your free copy of Dying to Really Live:

Click Here, or if you want to read more, turn the page.

9

Preview of Chapter

9

THE 4 HORSEMEN COMETH & I DIE

Tlot-tlot; tlot-tlot, in the distance? Tlot-tlot; tlot-tlot, were they

deaf that they did not hear? Alfed Noyes

One early morning, as I sat struggling to breathe just before

dawn, I sensed the end was near. It no longer made any difference;

all I wanted was relief. Then, suddenly, somewhere between

snatches of sleep, one moment I was gasping for breath and in the

next I was falling through space. And I just kept falling, tumbling

through a black sky. Gripped with paralyzing, stark-naked terror,

instead of waking up, as I had in other “falling” dreams from the

past, I just kept on falling and falling, tumbling out of all control as

I fell.

As I tumbled, I became aware of a soft light in one part of the

black sky. Some part of my attention was drawn to the light and

whenever I could glimpse it, the attraction grew. As I struggled to

keep the light in my vision, I noticed that seeing it calmed me. The

more I focused on it, the calmer I became. Then I realized I was

falling towards the light. The closer I came to it, the brighter it

grew and the calmer I became. A warm feeling began in the pit of

my stomach and spread upward through my entire body as deep,

warm peace settled over me and the tumbling slowed.

On the distant horizon from where the light was coming, I saw

what looked like a line. As I drew closer, the line grew in size and

I realized it was a line of people walking toward me, silhouetted by

the light. I knew them all. Some I knew from my life on earth: my

grandfather with my favorite dog Butch, his tail, wagging in

greeting, and my othe r wise old granddad with his bemused, wry

grin. There was my sweet old Aunt Eleanor and favorite Uncle,

Sidney. There was a man who lived on a ranch up the river from us

E 4 HORSEMEN COMETH & I DIE

10

who had always been nice to me. Also, there was a school teacher

and various people who had played a part in my life, but had gone

on ahead.

Then, there were the others.

They were entities I had known and loved in other times and

other places, not in my current life. In addition, there were entities

who were also part of my soul group (souls we had reincarnated

with over and over), but not of this earthly world, however, who

were as much a part of my extended being like those of this Earth-

experience.

As we all met, I was flooded with the most intense feelings of

love I had ever known. As it flowed through the core of me, in a

very small way it was a little like the “going home feeling” I had

experienced on Earth as a young man returning home after being in

the Army in Europe for three years. I remembered as I drove up

that old familiar road to the ranch where Mom and Dad waited that

I had experienced a similar warm deep love. However, to compare

that feeling from then with this now was like comparing a drop of

seawater to the ocean itself.

Now, wave after wave of intense love rolled over me like the

waves of a great flood itself. It was a happy, joyous love full of

anticipation, closure, and promise. No words were exchanged, just

thoughts moving instantaneously, with perfect clarity, from one

mind to the other without the ability to withhold or judge anything.

It was all an expression and celebration of love that would on

earth, have been unfathomable. It was between members of an

ancient soul group, celebrating my return home once again.

As I was shown around, it was explained how most of our

celestial, eternal knowledge is blanked-out during our short life

spans on Earth. We must temporarily forget most of what our

higher self already knows so we can believe in the roles we have

chosen to play in our different lifetimes. Furthermore, they said

that it would take a while for our memories to all to come back.

They went on to say that life on Earth is a little like an extended

visit to a big theme park, with thrilling rides and various

DYING TO REALLY LIVE

11

adventures. And brother, sometimes it does get scary, but we

humans wouldn’t have it any other way. After all, why else would

we leave the celestial realm, but for excitement, adventure, and

entertainment?

As one entity jokingly said, if the eternal, the God part, grows

tired of singing and playing harps, thousands of other universes

exist for our amusement and entertainment. The God part of us is

there providing choices for all eternity – and eternity is a long

time.

As my orientation went on, it was explained how on this

celestial side of the veil anything we want is instantaneously

provided. We just need to feel a desire to have something, and it is

fulfilled. But there lies the reason for all the realms outside of

Heaven. Having everything we want, all the time, develops within

us a need for variety and change, for a challenge. It would be like a

card game where everyone is always dealt a perfect hand. Soon

the game would become boring and we would look for another,

more challenging one.

Somehow, all this sounded familiar. And, to familiarize

myself with the process, one of them asked me to think about

something I really wanted. Thinking back on it, what I chose

seems odd for such an esteemed place, and such an occasion, but

suddenly I had an urge for a piece of my mother’s famous

homemade dark chocolate cake, with her special fudge frosting. As

soon as I thought of it, my mother was handing me the biggest

piece of dark chocolate cake I had ever seen. Dare I say it was

heavenly?

Although she appeared there with us, I knew some part of her

was still back on Earth because she was not one that had gone on

before. My guess is that she, at that same moment, was probably

asleep, dreaming of lovingly making her son a piece of her divine

chocolate cake.

After what could have been a few minutes or hours of

orientation, a deep silence began descending over everything, and

an all-encompassing “Presence” overshadowed the soul group and

E 4 HORSEMEN COMETH & I DIE

12

its members faded into the background. It was a little like being in

a supermarket where music is playing in the background as you

shop when the volume fades and a voice overshadows the music

saying, “Shoppers, on aisle #7, there is a great special on Red

Delicious apples.”

As everything else faded, a voice, which really wasn’t a voice

at all, said in resonating tones, “Welcome home, son, you have

done a great job and welcome back.” I was bathed in yet an even

deeper, more profound sense of love and acceptance which kept

just grew stronger until the voice went on to say, “But as long as

you still have a warm body back on earth, would you like to get

‘another one’ out of the way?”

I knew instantly what was being asked, even though at the

time of my death I hadn’t believed in any form of reincarnation, or

anything else religious or spiritual. In spite of that, I instantly knew

I was being asked if I wanted to get more life lessons out of the

way.

Now my Sunday school teacher had always told us that there

is no pain in Heaven. I can tell you now, at least in that case, she

was wrong. I can still hear the agony of my echoing “Nooooo,”

still rattling around somewhere in those Celestial Realms.

I knew in my heart of hearts, in the deepest core of my soul,

that after escaping “the surly bonds of Earth to touch the face of

God,” as one poet put it, I wanted to stay. After experiencing what

I was experiencing, in no way did I want to go back to that place,

any time soon. They could have any part of my “unused ticket,”

they wanted. I was finished with that petty, trite, hellhole of a

world-game, even though I had people there whom, in earthly-

terms, I had loved as dearly as earthly conditions allow, or at least

as well as I knew how to love at the time.

From that vantage point, I could see how trifling the world I

had left was. Here, on the other side, I would always be with souls

who have all loved me forever and will do so for eternity. Plus I

knew that momentarily, the loved ones who lagged behind on

Earth would join us. It might be years to them, but it would only be

DYING TO REALLY LIVE

13

moments in reality. Time is funny that way.

Then “the Voice,” with a tone of infinite patience and wisdom,

went on to say, “One of the reasons you went to that planet to

begin with was to bring your daughter on board. She has some

very important work to do. Would you leave her fatherless, at her

young age?”

What can a father say? Even if I had seemed to detach already

from that life, apparently there were deeper cords than I was aware

of and I knew instantly I would be returning whether it was what I

wanted at this moment or not. Then, as I went out of the door,

metaphorically, “the Voice” continued, “Since you are going to be

there for a while, there are a couple of things you could do while

you are there.” However, it would be a while before I knew

anymore, and several years until I knew what the statement meant.

<><><>

To receive your free copy of Dying to Really Live by return email,

Click Here

If you would rather read Dying to Really Live on you Kindle,

Nook, Pad or Smart Phone for 99 cents, Click Here

If you still enjoy reading from a real book, this book is now

available on Amazon in print form for $9.95 Click Here

To be notified when the Author’s next book is ready, Click Here

The Books Table of Contents

CHAPTER 1 ................................................................. 5 FIVE MONTHS TO LIVE

CHAPTER 2 ............ ERROR! BOOKMARK NOT DEFINED. THE EARLY YEARS

CHAPTER 3 ............ ERROR! BOOKMARK NOT DEFINED. MY EARLY LIFE CHANGES

CHAPTER 4 ............ ERROR! BOOKMARK NOT DEFINED. GIVING UP, I’M READY TO DUE

CHAPTER 5 ............ ERROR! BOOKMARK NOT DEFINED. A LIFE CHANGING COINCIDENCE

CHAPTER 6 ............ ERROR! BOOKMARK NOT DEFINED. WAITING TO DIE

CHAPTER 7 ............ ERROR! BOOKMARK NOT DEFINED. DÉJÀ VU OR SOMETHING ELSE

CHAPTER 8 ............ ERROR! BOOKMARK NOT DEFINED. MY LIFE CHANGES AGAIN

CHAPTER 9 ............................................................... 9 THE 4 HORSEMEN COMETH AND I DIEH

CHAPTER 10 .......... ERROR! BOOKMARK NOT DEFINED. LTHEN I RETURN AND LEARN TRUE GRIEF

ABOUT VOLUME II ERROR! BOOKMARK NOT DEFINED.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR .............................................. 15

A SPECIAL ACKNOWLEDGMENT . ERROR! BOOKMARK NOT DEFINED.

About the Author

Duane F. Smith’s unusual background and life experience

provided a unique perspective about the time we chose to be on

this planet. Born dyslexic himself, he found his early schooling a

challenge. Barely finishing high school, he left to join the Army

and had his life changed forever.

In the Army’s infinite wisdom, this man who had, himself,

struggled in school was assigned to teach in an experimental

program designed by the University of Maryland, for the Army.

The University had developed a teaching technique that they called

Programmed Learning and were experimenting with 350 illiterate

draftees who, for whatever reason, had never attended school. The

University had designed the program to take these men from

grades 1 through grade 12, thereby allowing them to qualify for a

high school GED, which was the minimum standard required to

serve in the Armed Forces. However, the goal of the program

defied any conventional logic at the time. The program was to take

these men from the 1st

grade to passing a 12th

-grade equivalency

test . . . in 90 days!

Surprisingly, the program worked, with over 90% of the men

receiving their GED in the allotted time. It was this experience that

left the author angry and frustrated about his 12 boring; torturous

years wasted, accomplishing the same goal. The experience also

convinced him that there was a better teaching method than the

one-size-fits-all, method being used almost exclusively at all

levels.

After the Army, he moved to Ashland, Oregon, and there

began renovating old houses into college rentals. Meanwhile, in an

attempt to understand why his school had been so hard t for him,

he enrolled in a psychology class at what is now Southern Oregon

University. Eventually, he received a Master’s Degree in

Education, with a focus on early childhood development.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

16

Later, during a minor recession, when no money was available

for building apartments, he decided to teach for “a year or two."

While not sure teaching was his life’s work, he hoped to be there

long enough to see if some of his theories about alternate methods

of teaching, worked, and he quickly found a teaching position in a

local school.

However, within a few months, when he was about to be fired

by his principal for unorthodox teaching methods, he came to the

attention of Henry O. Pete, the extremely innovative school

superintendent of the district where he was teaching.. They soon

found they each shared a belief that there was a better way.

Together they developed an experimental program for putting their

theories into action. In it, a blended class of 4th through 6th

graders were allowed to work at their pace and in their areas of

interest. They became to refer to their method as Child-Centered,

or Child-Directed, Learning. As the program thrived, they began to

unravel a puzzle on which they both were to spend most of their

lives pondering and studying.

However, after a few years, a new community college was

forming in the town to the north of where they lived, and that

group hired Henry to be its Founding President, and develop its

curriculum based on his learning theories. Henry asked the author

to join him in his new endeavor, as the Director of Adult Education

at the new college. However, the author made the decision not

uproot his family to follow Henry, and he left education. At the age

of 30, he went back to his thriving apartment development

business. With the fledgling base his company had built while he

was in college, the business had thrived. In a few years, it seemed,

to the people in the community, that he had it all. Furthermore, to

add to his feeling of success, the kids from their original program,

with whom they stayed in contact were, doing well.

At this point, an ongoing, medical problem worsened, and the

author underwent the most profound of life changes. At the age of

41, a doctor from Stanford Medical Center gave him five months

to live and sent him home to “to get his affairs in order." He

eventually had what some refer to as a Near-Death or After Death

DYING TO REALLY LIVE

17

Experience. Regardless of what one calls it. he died, crossed to the

other side and then returned to his body. However, in his case, in

the following 18 months he was taken by his soul guides, back to

the other side on five separate occasions, and he didn’t even

believe in God, when he died. What he experienced and learned

was almost beyond words. And, it was here that he learned that as

many other people who were surviving NDEs, were being sent

back to tell their stories, to let people know that one’s death isn’t

the end of anything, it Is just the beginning of another adventure.

Suddenly everything in his life changed, and his priorities

shifted. Gradually, he was once again, drawn back to his

fascination with the mind/brain connection, and how it affected

how children learned. In time he realized that many new

discoveries in that field verified much of what he and Henry

discovered in the classroom, years before.

Feeling compelled, he began writing about what they had

discovered about the learning process, over the years. Renegade

Teacher, his 1st book, is about their original program, what

worked in the classroom, and what didn’t. Then, he

wrote Renegade Class, the story of what became of the kids from

the first book, over the next 40 years. When those were published,

his guides to him that it was time to write about his trips to the

afterlife.

First, he wrote Dying to Really Live, about his original Death,

being on the other side and then of his return. Then, he wrote

Beyond Death & Back, the story of his five trips to the other side

and what he saw, learned and did, and what it lead to when he

afterwards. When he had finished his 2nd

book, he began writing

Living in a New Tomorrow, about what he has been told to expect

in the coming decades. It is about education, why, if God lives

within, does he allow sickness in the body he shares. Then, it tells

of the Great Divide which is ahead for us all.