priest script

8/14/2019 Priest Script

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Priest Respected elder

Choirboy Unruling Idiot

2 Chairs facing eachother

P: Okay, just sit down so we can get this over with

C: Any reason we have to do this in a cafe?

P: That’s besides the...(sighs) If you must know I get clergy discount in hereand this place closes at 12. So for the next [] minutes we’re going to sithere and you’re going to watch me eat toast, only stopping to berate youmore about the heresy you’ve committed against the Church.

C: Leaving the choir is not an act of heresy.

P: It is

It’s hard work being a leader.

C: Priest.

P: Of a cathedral

C: It’s a church

P: So you wanna play hard ball?C: I wanted to tell you that I’m not gonna be in choir for the next couple of

weeks and go home but then you dragged me into a greasy spoon.

P: I dragged you in here so I could get my clergy discount. One of the fewbenefits of being a priest. So here seems as good as anywhere.

C: Well whilst we’re here can I use your discount to get something.

P: No

C: But you said

P: It’s immoral

C: (Shuffles irritably in seat) You gonna order then or what?

P: They already know me in here

Manager: Oh God. Not you again. I thought you were barred.

P: You can’t bar me! I’m a man of the cloth!

M: No. You’re an idiot who bought a robe. You can stay this time but youbetter not make the waitress cry again. She’s only 17 and not in the moodfor your bullshit.



P: Just send her over

M: (Looks at C) You’re not here with him are you?

C: Believe me. I have no idea what’s going on.

M: Riiiight. (Glare turns to P) Well Susan’s just finished her break. She’ll beout in a moment. Don’t you...

P: I know

M: If you even try

P: You’ve already said.

M: I know what you’re like.

P: Okay. No disparaging comments. Fine. Jeeze.

M: Okay. Three pieces of toast coming up.

P: Make sure they’re well done.

M: You’ll eat what you’re given

P: If they’re rare I’ll throw up a fucking storm.

M: I’ll hit you in the face with a ladle if you throw a fucking storm!

P: Fine. Whatever. Go do the toast now. (M leaves. P turns to C) What wasthat all about?

C: I was right about what I thought about you.

P: What you talking about?

C: Well this is exactly it. All it is is bloody toast and look what’s happened. Iwouldn’t be surprised if they do something to it when they serve it to you.

Waitress: Here’s your toast Father Reynold

P: (Quickly inspects toast) I ASKED FOR WELL DONE! NOT MEDIUM-RARE.Go do it again you harlequinial spawn of Satan. If I don’t smell burnt I’llsmite you back into the realms of fire.

P: Back to your behaviour

C: You could’ve let me eaten the toast

P: That would’ve sort of defied the point of this meeting

C: She’s just gonna throw it away.

P: Well you go ask her. On seconds thoughts don’t. I think she’s crying. Mustbe ‘that time of the month’ or something.



C: Haven’t eaten today

P: It’s your fault. Shouldn’t have gotten born into a poor family. You’redetracting from the main point of this meeting

C: Stealing the holy water

P: Stealing the church’s holy water. Who would do such a thing?

C: You could always make more of it.

P: That maybe true. Actually it’s not anymore cos I’ve ran out of BRITA filtercartridges. So I can on Wednesday but I’ve had to use the hose pipe forthe time being. Dyou think babies like being baptised with the hosepipe?

The parents sure as hell don’t and it’s not going down well with theestablishment.

C: I sold it

P: To whom? Wait no, that’s not important. How much?

C: £3.50 a bottle

P: A bottle?

C: Yeah tried to join the whole water craze thing. Had a slogan andeverything. ‘Cleanse both body and soul’. Unfortunately my dog managedto chew open the bottle. Thought it’d speak tongues or something good.Instead it just keeps vomiting.

P: Yeah, holy water will do that.

C: What dyou put in it?

P: Chlorine

C: (amazed) In the holy water.

P: Gives it a kick.

C: Doesn’t need one. It’s holy water.

P: You say that but it makes it so much more visual when you throw it intosomeone’s face. So then people think they’re pure evil.

C: That would explain the pervert.

P: You threw it at a pervert?

C: Just to see if it’s really that holy. Got him in the face. I was well impressed.

P: That’s the power of god for you.

C: Well obviously it’s not. Cos you just said. It had chlorine in it.

P: Who dyou think invented chlorine?

C: That’s not fair. You could say that about everything.



P: God invented everything.

C: What about the French

P: No that was the devil’s work.

C: Didn’t God invent the devilP: Stop asking me these questions. I’m getting confused.

C: Also if God invented everything who invented God

P: Mrs. God.

C: His wife.

P: No don’t be silly. His mum.

C: Wouldn’t that mean that he’s not omnipotent.

P: I don’t like the fact that you’ve looked up long words. If I knew you weregoing to look up long words I would’ve looked up long words. Frankly I’mdisgusted. A boy of your age reading dictionaries instead of the goodbook.

C: Where’s Wally

P: No the other good book

C: Paddington Bear

P: The BibleC: That’s not good. Loads of people die in it.

P: I thought a few chapters were alright. What about when the guy getseaten by the fish. Woah. I didn’t see him living through that one.

C: Genesis was a bit flat though.

P: How so?

C: Well they made a big deal about God on the first day asking for light and itappearing.

P: And?

C: Well that’s not that difficult. I have a friend called Jimmy. Installed aclapper in his lounge. He doesn’t even need to say anything. Just happens.

C: (Claps twice. If on stage lights go out. C claps again to restore light)

P: Well I don’t think they had clappers back then so at the time it was muchmore impressive. It’d be like you having an iPod in the seventies.

C: He could’ve invented them the week before.

P: He might’ve done. We’ll never know.



C: Is there a prequel to the bible?

P: Yeah but it’s rubbish. You’re not missing out on much.

C: They should make it a pop-out book cos then more people’d read it.

P: But if more people read it I don’t get blagger’s rights that I managed toread the whole thing. Gives you an air of superiority over your peers. Imanaged to read a book without pictures and you didn’t.

C: Shouldn’t you be bigging the bible up or something?

P: Well I would if it had more of an edge to it. Apart from the whale thing Iguessed most of the plot twists. Apart from Jesus rising from the deadalthough I thought that wasn’t very realistic.

P: Come on I’m a reasonable person

(Waitress comes with egg)

P: This egg is runny. RUNNY. Are you trying to make a fool of me? You do notwanna mess with a man of the cloth. I will pray so hard that you’ll be luckyif St Peter doesn’t bitch slap you infornt of the pearly gates. Do it again.Also I wanna doggybag the leftovers without a judging look in your eye.

C: So the holy water

P: Yes the holy water

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