Companions WantedRude, ugly moron with noconcept of oral hygiene seekssame for unpleasant meetings.

Box FASSO1Necrophiliac, currently under-going analysis, seeks pale, cold-blooded woman for the interim.

Box FASSO2Bankruptcy Sale

Large prophylactic firm, basedin Rome, going out of business.Must clear all stock. Dealerinquiries welcome Great craftitems. Box FASSO4

Business PersonalsBalloon Bouquets! Instead offlowers for your Valentine, sendthis sensational gift. Birthdays,Anniversaries, etc. Availableribbed, lubricated or reservoirtip. Box FASSO4

Arts and CraftsTiny six-inch, scale models ofthe Hindenberg, pre-assembledor in kit form. Available ribbed,lubricated or reservoir tip

Box FASSO4For Sale

Large axe, excellent conditions,only used 81 times. Contact L.Borden, $50 or best offer.

Box FASS10

Twilight Zone T-shirt, Star Trekcalendar ('82, but full-colourshot of Spock) and plastic "lightsaber"; will swap for newwardrobe with legwarmers andlots of purple. Just got myphysics grades from fall term.

Box FASS11Odd Jobs Wanted

Will give poodles and ownersmatching haircut. Box FASSO7

FASSIfiedsBirths

The cast and crew of FASS 84congratulate parents Dan andMarie Donaldson on the recentbirth of the latest FASS baby,Lauren Rebecca. Mother, baby,cast and crew are restingcomfortably.

DeathsAct Two, Scene 3. Suddenly, inHumanities Theatre, of causesunknown. Survived by manybrothers and sisters. In lieu offlowers, donations to the EmmaClydesdale Home for the Sub-normal would be gratefullyreceived.

WantedFour to six new Engineer jokesfor Friday night at 10:00 p.m.Preference given to puns thatdon't involve sheep or nurses.

PersonalsWould anyone witnessing anaccident at the corner of Kingand University, 2:30 p.m. onFriday, January 13th, pleasecall Mildred and say, "Why didn'tyou listen when Louella told youthat guy with the rusty bumperwasn't really going to turn left,but just wanted you to pull infront of him?"

Thanks to St. Jude for petitionanswered. A.P.W.

Sonja, come home. I didn't meanwhat I did, and I'm sure if yourmother was alive today to hearme, she'd tell you that accidentscan happen to anyone. If I'dknown it was loaded, I'd neverhave wired the trigger to thetelephone. Miss you. Chuckie.

ServicesLease breaking — satisfactionguaranteed. Price is beer andmunchies for seventy. Contact.Vice-President, 555-FASS.

Box MSS 12

Domestic HelpKwik mean Domestic Personnelwill have a maid at your door inminutes. Just call our toll-free,emergency number for all yourlast-minute cleaning jobs: PTAmeetings, mother-in-law drop-ins, landlord visits and the ever-popular "your place or mine".Bondable, insured. No creditcheck, no waiting, no risk, nowindows. Box FASSO5

Sales EmploymentNational electrical appliancefirm seeks an ambitious self-starter to daily invade thehomes of total strangers whilecarrying bulky products sure toknock over china knick-knacks,and pressure them to accept afree gift from you so that they'llfeel obliged to let you dump dirton their carpet and vacuum upthe cat's windup mouse.

Box FASSO6Child Care Wanted

Responsible, dependable, lovingsitter wanted to care for my 8-year-old daughter, in my home.Mr. W.B. of last Thursday nightneed not call: too loving.

Box FASSO8Help Wanted

Writers, actors, singers, tech-nicians required for annualuniversity farce. No talent orskills required. No pay, no sleep,great parties. Box FASS85

We're SOFIA', WC tried to stop it, but WC Were toolate. Ready Or not, here comes:

FASS 84(If monkeys type at typewriters foran infinite length of time, the laws ofprobability suggest that eventuallythey will produce the script for FASS84. Which only goes to show you howwell the laws of probability knowabout the typing speed of FASSwriters.)

The FASSist ManifestoOR

I Liked It So Much,I Bou ght The Government

---And now that we've whetted your appetites .. .

The UW Drama Department presents Dr. Faustus, byChristopher Marlowe, directed by Douglas Abel, in theHumanities Theatre (where you are now) March 13-17, at8 p.m. Tickets: $6/ $4 (students/ seniors)

The Kitchener-Waterloo Little Theatre presents Nurse JaneGoes To Hawaii, by Allan Stratton, on Feb 9-10-11,16-17-18,at 8 p.m. in the Victoria Park Pavillion. Call 888-0660 forinformation.

Directet by Andrew P. Welch

Technical Direction by Ross Gibaut

Script Supervision by John McMullen

Produced by Donald Heath

Musical Direction & Choreography hy Linda Carson

(Wyed,rzfc()?(/ e ji-he Wililliff e 1/6f/zit/dim/( f6:9 .211C4 .(// 1)11

• .

•

NoticeYou can't smoke in the theatre because the fire marshal doesn't want to be responsible if you get

lung cancer. You can't eat or drink refreshments in the theatre because the theatre doesn't want tocontribute to anyone's obesity. You can't use cameras during the performance because somedaywe'll all be famous and won't want anyone to know we were here. You can't use a tape recordereither -, the script is copyrighted by the people we stole it from. Thank you for observing these rules.

The FASS CommitteePresident

Ken Lynch

Director Andrew WelchVice-President Brenz Producer Donald HeathSecretary Bernie Roehi

Head Scriptwriter John McMullen

Treasurer Barb Simmons Technical Director Ross GibautFaculty Rep Terry Qualter Past President Gillian TeichertAdministration Rep Dan Donaldson Past Director Linda CarsonStaff Rep Kevin Martin Past Producer Linda EickmeierStudent Rep Margaret Eaton Past Scriptwriter Steve HuttonII onourary Members Doug Crichton Past Technical Directors Brenz

Torn Hocaliuk

Carol Lynch

A Message From The President:While thinking of something to write, what came to me were the words of someone else,

someone we could only try to copy: "If we've brought a tear of happiness to your eye or a momentofjoy to your heart then we have accomplished what we set out to do, so goodnight and may Godbless . . . good night."

Ken LynchA Message From The President In Charge Of Vice:

The following bodies were responsible for helping me corrupt the rest of the masses: TomHocaliuk, Ken & Carol Lynch, Sandor, Lizanne Madigan, Jim Gardner, Linda Carson, GillianTeichert, Alexa Clark, Lisa Lambkin, William Hughes, Janet Acton, Ross Gibaut, JenniferO'Connor, Donald Heath, Duffy Knox, Quiv Qualter, Jeanine Malito, Ian! Allen, Ken Dykes,Dave Forsey, Kevin Martin, Steven Sopora, Phil Taylor & the cast of many others whom I'm sureI've forgotten (accidentally). Also a special thanks goes to Erika Hocaliuk for being a life saver inso many situations.

BrenzA Message From The Producer:

Being the Producer of FASS is a marvelous way to find out that people are not out to get you,but are friendly and willing to help out. FASS 1984 was truly a team effort and some of the mostamazing, thankless work was done behind the scenes. To remedy this situation, please say`Thanks' to all the people listed as Production Staff. I am very grateful to everyone who helped me,particularly Fil and Linda for graphic inspiration and production, Chris Corrigan at Twin CityPrinting and the gang at Fairway Press for fast printing, Zel and Kim for booking dozens ofrooms, and especially Margaret for her spirit and support.

Enjoy the show. We're proud of the work we've done. Next year we hope you'll be with us. FASSstands for Faculty, Administration, Staff and Students, so you're all invited. Brainstorming startsin the Spring, writing in the Fall and everything else in the Winter.

Donald HeathP.S. Yes, we are having as much fun as we appear to be.A Message From The Head Scriptwriter:

The phone melted with an obscene hiss. I asked who it had been. "Just Ken. He says the scripthas to be done by the time rehearsals start," Andrew replied. And so, casting a wary glance at thephone (which was still emitting sparks and epithets, a pair of which I fastened to my shoulders), Iperused a recent edition of the International Copyright Act. I then took the writers to a smallroom, armed with a Jumbo bag of Crispy Cheez Casserolettes, a singing duck named Herman andenough Irish Cream to satisfy whoever really writes the Penthouse Forum column, and we beganto write. We emerged months later with badly rotted teeth, gnawing on the wishbone. The otherwriters were returned to the Emma Clydesdale Home for the Subnormal, and only I survived totell the tale. If you like the show, send me money. If you don't, don't bother me.

John McMullenA Message From The Director:

"lf that's Dad on the phone, make like this is the Med dorm at McGill and call me Dr. Welch."Andrew P. Welch

On With The Show, This Is It

Act OneFASS regrets to announce that in these times of rising costs and lowering standards, even we

have been forced to invite sponsorship of our show. Throughout the evening, your otherwise-peaceful viewing of the blank curtain during scene changes will be regularly interrupted by briefcommercial messages. Please give these your undivided attention and do not take potty breaks atthis time; some of the funniest material in the show will be between scenes.

Act One, Scene 0 All That FASS

We Now Pause For This Brief Message From Our SponsorsAct 1, Scene I Sooner Or Later, You'll Be GeneralsWe Now Pause For This Brief Message From Our SponsorsAct 1, Scene 2 Chairman of the BoredWe Now Pause For This Brief Message From Our SponsorsDon't Relax Yet! We Now Pause For Another Commercial MessageAct 1, Scene 3 Mucous Welby, MDWe Now Pause For This Brief Message From Our SponsorsAct I, Scene 4 FASSablancaWe Now Pause For This Brief Message From Our SponsorsAct 1, Scene 5 Big Mother is Watching You

At this point in the show we traditionally present a brief intermission. Those of you who haven'talready snuck out during the commercials should take your cigarette and potty breaks now.

Act TwoJust When You Thought It Was Safe To Go Back In The Theatre:We Now Pause For This Brief Message From Our SponsorsAct 2, Scene 1 Rebels Without a PauseWe No w Pause For This Brief Message From Our SponsorsAct 2, Scene 2 Subway My Prince Will ComeWe Now Pause For This Brief Message From Our SponsorsAct 2, Scene 4* Peasants Under FASSWe Now Pause For This Brief Message From Our SponsorsAct 2, Scene 5 FASSdance*Where's Act 2, Scene 3, you ask? Well, we'd prefer not to discuss it, if you don't mind. It seems to have something to do withpus, but the Head Scriptwriterjust ran screamingfrom the room with his hand full of shredded paper... it wasn't a pretty sight.

■•■

Ethel Alchohol Jayne PeerenHank E. Panky Peter HaakmanHal O'Ween Steve HuttonHazel Street Bonnie LynchHolly Grail Jocelyn NgPamela Canal Linda Loucks

Commercial the SixthThe Pain Dancers Alexa Clark

Margaret EatonLisa Lambkin

Suzanne LangdonCathy McBride

Alexandra McGovernCathi Rainville

Lori SargentBarb Simmons

Act One, Scene 5Chuck Peeren

Lynne SlaterCharles Sisson

Sheer Energy(Steve Connelly,

Dino Paoletti,Ed Poropat,

Steve Surman)Gail Duhamel

Peter CooCarlo Giuliani Rod CurrieLindsay Drake

Peter B. Carette

Intermission

Commercial the SeventhOops! Well, there was going to be a Commercialthe Seventh, but you know how it is in show biz.Sorry to disappoint you, guys.

Act Two, Scene 1Michael Dolences Carlo GiulianiPrivate Beach Stephen MarshMajor Art Hillary James D. MacCallumAndrew Gynous David ForseyJose Canyousee Eric DormerJuan de Dance Lindsay DrakeDonna Cryforme Deborah Maenpaa

Carmen Mistake Wendy PotterJulio Nardo DaVinci Linda Loucks

Commercial the EighthEric Weasel Ken LynchDan Nuisance David WelbournHeather Georgiegirl Lori SargentPhyllis Sandflea Jayne Peeren

Act Two, Scene 2Abner Tripleday Lindsay DrakeBelle Canada Lisa LambkinSimon Bigtroublenow Phil TaylorCy Ster Dorian Goldstein

Commercial the NinthTerri Cloth Elizabeth ShannonJay Cloth David ForseySuzie Cloth Cathi RainvilleBilly Cloth Phil Taylor

Act Two, Scene 4Manuel Labour Rod CurrieJulio Donateescoolyard Peter HaakmanJuanita Newbattery Linda LoucksCarmelita Revolution Bonnie LynchFerdinand E.Edjuv-DeworldStephenP. OgdenFidel E. Tee Dave ShipleyCarlos Castanets Charles SissonPeter Bread John DuboisElsa Poppin Cathy McBrideLucy Nyortie Lori SargentSenor Bestinterest Chuck Peeren

Commercial the TenthFritz DeRealthing Phil TaylorWendy Ostlander Lori Sargent

Act Two, Scene 5Victoria Falls Suzanne LangdonVictoria Izours Alexandra McGovern

Assorted Voiceovers, Etc.Ian! Allen

Dan DonaldsonPreston Gurd

Ken LynchGillian TeichertBrad Templeton

Dennis X. MachinaUnit 83362436 Unit 82188837 Units 80112358-61

Mary Tylenol Ray Porter Lou Grunt Willie Dewitt WrightBetty Duzent Big Mother

The Cast of CharactersFeatured throughout, back by popular demand:The Piano Man Jim Gardner

Act One, Scene 0Rufus Leaking Brian MitchellLois Carmen DeNominator Barb SimmonsArt Deco Darryl WadsworthT.V.L. Pursuit John CollardChief Reason Barbara McMullenReggie Mental Jim RobertsonDirk Alley Stephen MarshBob Fasse Brad Templeton

Commercial the FirstTommy Gun Derek WilkinsonBuffy Lowe Lindsay DrakeMel Lowe Peter HaakmanNorton Nash

Dan Lyons

Act One, Scene 1Monty Zuma Larry KnightRodney Bernie RoehlVictoria Cross Margaret EatonRon Number Steve HuttonPedro Canada Rod CurrieColin Allcars Bonnie LynchAnna Lytic Lindsay DrakeGeneral Electric Alexa ClarkGeneral Admission Brian GradyGeneral Knowledge Ken LynchGeneral Relativity Wendy PotterGeneral Motors Dave ShipleyMary Thawn Lou Anne DuboisRussel Sprout Dave GrahamElvira Mentalist Suzanne V. LangdonRob O'Flavin Derek WilkinsonSergeant Tina Fish-Sandwich Duffy KnoxJudy Calls Lisa LambkinJoy Division Jocelyn NgBridget Toofar Barb Simmons

Commercial the SecondSuzanne Suzanabanana.Alexandra McGovern

Act One, Scene 2E.S. Too Rodney J. CurrieF.U. Buddy Gordon Douglas

M.C. Lounge Lindsay DrakeL P Erkassetz David ForseyJ.L. Krapt Ronald M. GreenM.D. Plates Peter HaakmanJohn Gall Petty Donald HeathB A Degris Robert B. HortonC.C. Greatall Bonnie LynchP S Footnote Ken LynchF A Gooday Jayne PeerenS S Forreal Charles SissonP H Balantz Steve SoporaA.M. Effem Linda EickmeierFair Weather Lynne SlaterSunny Weather Brad TempletonNell Sonratings Deborah MaenpaaThe Ronald Reagan Dancers Duffy Knox

Stephen MarshBrian Mitchell

Stephen OgdenJim Robertson

Lori SargentDarryl Wadsworth

Commercial the ThirdDeborah Live Alexa Clark

Commercial the FourthChuck N. Die John CollardSheila Melikarock Lisa LambkinDavid Outsunshine Stephen MarshPenny Farthing Cathi RainvilleMary K. Party Elizabeth ShannonLinda Milkenhunny Lynne Slater

Act One, Scene 3Nurse Mia Backtohealth Jane DoeDoctor Downer John DoePatient Sisitownreward George Spelvin

Commercial the FifthPreston Digitation Preston GurdSarah Doctorindehouse.Alexandra McGovern

Act One, Scene 4Elliot U. Offdehook Rod CurrieRick Blaine Dan LyonsBart Tender Phil Taylor

ta.

Ladies Night:

Ladies only! Come to a relaxed feminine "night out with thegirls" at the Booze 'N Snooze Hotel, Tuesday from 8:00 to 10:00

%/p.m. Drinks are two for the price of one, and snacks are on thehouse. Eat, drink, and bring Mary!

Gents Night: wrommi111 4,A. 0gila

& WITOP

Come and get 'em! Cruise our bar full of sloshedwomen, Tuesday from 10:00 p.m. to closing. Drinksare one for the price of two, and the snack bar isclosed. Eat, drink, and make Mary!

ScriptwritersSome time this evening(usually about Act One, Scene Two, as the novelty of being in a theatre is

wearing off and you've discovered that your date doesn't fall for the popcorn routine), you will askyourself the inevitable question, "Who thinks all this stuff up, anyway?" Well, stop thinking thoserude things right away, 'cause we're going to tell you the real answer. The following people werelate submitting their hush money, so we are obliged to admit that they all had a hand (ora foot oramouth, or a foot-in-mouth) in writing FASS 84.David Welbourn William Hughes

David Till Gordon Douglas

Karin Mann Ron Green

Tom Chmara Ken Jones

Ian! Allen Rod Currie

Dan Lyons Charles Sisson

Jeanine MalitoPeter Rowley

Linda CarsonJames GardnerGeorge S. KaufmanMoss HartSteve HuttonPaul McKoneBernie RoehlJulius MarxBrad TempletonAndrew Welch

and especially John McMullen

Technical CrewEvery shining face you see out there tonight is depending on something built, begged,

borrowed, stitched, sketched, or (heaven forbid) stolen by one of the following dedicated supportstaff:

Technical Director: Ross GibautStage Manager: Jennifer O'Connor

Assistant Stage Managers: Eileen White and Kevin Martin

Runner: Jeanine L. MalitoSet Construction: Paul Brennan

Alan BowlerKevin Martin

BrenzKen Lynch

Carol LynchNeil Kennedy

Gillian Teichert

Costume Master:Alex Kordics Costumes:

John Dubois

Ray Butterworth

Makeup Mistress:Properties Master: William Hughes Makeup:Props Construction: Peter Bain

Tracy Tims Lighting Design:Janet Ernst Preset:Scott Harrison Board Operator:Tim Hill Sound By:

Irene Bigall

Bruce McVittie Board Operator:

Kirstin Muth

Master Flymen:Jeanine L. Malito

Tom Hocaliuk

Follow spots:Tom Chmara

Brad Templeton Running Crew Chief:

Steve Harvey Running Crew:

Ray ButterworthPeter Fraser

Scenic Painters: Theresa SoperSimon Tooke

Painters: Lynn McRuerJanet ErnstTracy Tims

Alex Berry Special Effects:Master of Sexual Innuendo: Tom Hocaliuk

Production StaffPosters: Donald Heath, Phil Taylor, Linda Carson, John. W. Bast, Larry Knight, Quiv Qualter,Jerome Daly and Jayne PeerenTickets: Donald Heath (Design) and Lindsay Drake (Sales)

Publicity: Bernie Roehl T-shirts: Ken LynchProgram: Linda Carson Photographers: Sue Munro

John McMullen John W. BastSteve Hutton

And a host of volunteer ushers who are anonymous only through the necessity of printingdeadlines.

Thank-YouWe gratefully acknowledge the assistance of the following people, groups, companies and„/ or

institutions. In many cases, their help has become as much an annual tradition as FASS. Thanksto you all:

Sheer Energy, the Math Faculty Computing Facility, Earl Stieler, U W Arts Centre, MattQualter for the ugly suits, Tanya Flemming, St. Mary's Hospital, Dan & Marie for providing theFASS baby (who we have happily appropriated without the permission of any of the threeindividuals involved, so don't blame them), mathSOC and all the others we didn't mean to forget.

aterlooPublic Notice

FASS 84 contains nojokes about mathSOC,Scisoc, HKLS, the ASU,the Gazette, the Chevron,or Imprint. Never let it be ..,said that FASS kicked \Kpeople while they were

down.

Peter BainBrenz

Irene BigallJeanine L. Malito

Jill JacksonErica Hocaliuk

Lizanne MadiganIan! Allen

Quiv QualterJill JacksonJanet Ernst

Erika HocaliukJennifer Janik

Gillian TeichertPeter B. Carette

BrenzBruce McVittie

David MartindaleIan! Allen

David MartindaleTom Hocaliuk

Ken DykesCarol LynchJanet Ernst

Paul BrennanSteve Harvey

Scott HarrisonJeanine L. Malito

Tracy TimsKirstin Muth

Irene BigallGillian Teichert

Peter BainPeter B. Carette

Where is FASS playing?

What is the best comedy of 1984?

When did you see FASS '84?

What is the title of FASS '84?

What is the price of this ticket?

Who won the World Series in 1963?

'7t

Humanities Theatre, University of Waterloo

FASS 1984

Saturday, February 4, 1984 8:00 p.m.

The FASSist Manifesto orI Liked It So Much I Bought The Government

$3.50

Who cares?