Harman 1

Andrea Harman

Dr. Troyer

Psychology 101

20 February 2011

“My Personal Development”

When I was nine years old, I had grabbed the scrapbook made for me by my mother off

of her bedroom shelf. I rummaged through it like any curious child would: slowly looking at

each and every picture, saved wrapping paper piece, and heirloom. It was the first I was allowed

to view it in detail. I then stumbled across the most important piece in the album: my birth

certificate. The name listed as father was not my “Dad’s” name. My “dad” wasn’t my father at

all. Learning this was an accommodation at this point in my development. It had changed the

way that I had thought about things.

Because my mother used an authorative parenting style, she understood that I wanted

to know more about my biological father. She allowed me to ask any question I could think of

but also added restrictions. I was not allowed to mention anything while in the presence of my

step-father or sister. We were to talk only in private. My questions became more and more

inquisitive but my mother was putting up more and more boundaries. She was growing tired of

talking about the subject so it was dropped for a few years. From this point on, I had to develop

my own opinions about my father. However, I hadn’t met him yet so they were built on the

information I had received.

Harman 2

The years after I had found out were quiet. I wasn’t going to tell anyone the news. It was

when I hit the adolescence stage that I had first started telling people. Only my closest friends

knew. I felt as though it was a secret. Everyone would judge me if they knew. I was soon worried

that they had told my secret though. I was experiencing what psychologists called the imaginary

audience. Every time someone made eye contact with me, I felt as though I knew what they

were thinking. “There she is! The girl that doesn’t know her dad!” was what I felt they were

whispering to one another. Did they know? I was unsure. They wouldn’t understand.

No one could feel the pain and emptiness that I went through knowing that I didn’t know

my father. My personal fable led me to believe that no one else’s father had left before they

were born. There was a “hole” left in my heart. I was unfinished and incomplete. Nobody

understood this unless it had happened to them. I was experiencing adolescent egocentrism

throughout this point in my life. Little did I know, my father understood.

According to Erik Erikson’s psychosocial theory, which consisted of eight stages, he

was experiencing the seventh stage: Generativity versus Stagnation. This stage is a challenge

for middle aged adults to nurture the younger generation or be stagnant and self indulgent. My

father had entered his middle adulthood and his psychological need to tend to me was

overwhelming. If Erikson were alive today, he would say that if my father did not tend to me, he

would have lingering effects of this stage. He wouldn’t be able to reach the eighth stage of his

own development. Therefore, he began his search for me.

By this time, I was in Piaget’s fourth stage of cognitive development: the Formal-

Operational Stage. I was able to think hypothetically. I always envisioned the day that I would

Harman 3

meet my father. He would come back and fill the void in my life. I believe that at this time, being

seventeen years of age, I was also beginning Erikson’s Intimacy versus Isolation stage. I

needed an intimate relationship with him like I had with my mother. I felt that a relationship with

him would make me feel complete and whole. I wouldn’t be forced to become isolated according

to Erikson.

The next time I checked my Facebook was the best day of my life. He had messaged me!

I was ecstatic! The relationship could be developed and grow. I could have a sense of self. I was

able to get to know him now and fully understand not only my physical attributes but my

personality as well. I could know who I am because now I knew who he is. The only road block

in the way was my mother. Her parenting style had changed completely when she found out that

he had come back for me. She was now the authoritarian type. I couldn’t talk to him or see him

until I was eighteen. I displayed Kohlberg’s Stage Three of Moral Development until I left her

household. I obeyed the rules but only to withhold the social order. I was “keeping the peace”

while I waited for my birthday.

My 18th birthday had come slowly. However, it was the happiest I had been in a long

time. My father had pulled up in his car, got out, and hugged me for as long he could. We were

able to pass into the next stages in our lives. I have the intimate relationship that I needed. He

can tend to his younger generation. We are very close to this day and I have never felt more

complete.