pygmalion ( drama )

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7/21/2019 Pygmalion ( Drama ) http://slidepdf.com/reader/full/pygmalion-drama- 1/124 ACT I Covent Garden at 11.15 p.m. Torrents of heavy summer rain. Cab whistles blowing frantically in all directions. Pedestrians running for shelter into the maret and under the portico of !t. Paul"s Church# where there are already several people# among them a lady and her daughter in evening dress. They are all peering out gloomily at the rain# e$cept one man with his bac turned to the rest# who seems wholly preoccupied with a noteboo in which he is writing busily.  The church cloc stries the %rst &uarter.  T'( )A*G'T(+ ,in the space between the central pillars# close to the one on her left- I"m getting chilled to the bone. hat can /reddy be doing all this time0 'e"s been gone twenty minutes.  T'( 2T'(+ ,on her daughter"s right- 3ot so long. 4ut he ought to have got us a cab by this. A 4!TA3)(+ ,on the lady"s right- 'e won"t get no cab not until half6past eleven# missus# when they come bac after dropping their theatre fares.  T'( 2T'(+. 4ut we must have a cab. e can"t stand here until half6past eleven. It"s too bad.  T'( 4!TA3)(+. ell# it ain"t my fault# missus.  T'( )A*G'T(+. If /reddy had a bit of gumption# he would have got one at the theatre door.  T'( 2T'(+. hat could he have done# poor boy0  T'( )A*G'T(+. 2ther people got cabs. hy couldn"t he0

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ACT I

Covent Garden at 11.15 p.m. Torrents of heavy summer rain. Cab

whistles blowing frantically in all directions. Pedestriansrunning for shelter into the maret and under the portico of !t.

Paul"s Church# where there are already several people# among them

a lady and her daughter in evening dress. They are all peering

out gloomily at the rain# e$cept one man with his bac turned to

the rest# who seems wholly preoccupied with a noteboo in which

he is writing busily.

 The church cloc stries the %rst &uarter.

 T'( )A*G'T(+ ,in the space between the central pillars# close to

the one on her left- I"m getting chilled to the bone. hat can

/reddy be doing all this time0 'e"s been gone twenty minutes.

 T'( 2T'(+ ,on her daughter"s right- 3ot so long. 4ut he ought to

have got us a cab by this.

A 4!TA3)(+ ,on the lady"s right- 'e won"t get no cab not until

half6past eleven# missus# when they come bac after dropping

their theatre fares.

 T'( 2T'(+. 4ut we must have a cab. e can"t stand here until

half6past eleven. It"s too bad.

 T'( 4!TA3)(+. ell# it ain"t my fault# missus.

 T'( )A*G'T(+. If /reddy had a bit of gumption# he would have got

one at the theatre door.

 T'( 2T'(+. hat could he have done# poor boy0

 T'( )A*G'T(+. 2ther people got cabs. hy couldn"t he0

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/reddy rushes in out of the rain from the !outhampton !treet

side# and comes between them closing a dripping umbrella. 'e is a

young man of twenty# in evening dress# very wet around the

anles.

 T'( )A*G'T(+. ell# haven"t you got a cab0

/+()). There"s not one to be had for love or money.

 T'( 2T'(+. 2h# /reddy# there must be one. ou can"t have tried.

 T'( )A*G'T(+. It"s too tiresome. )o you e$pect us to go and get

one ourselves0

/+()). I tell you they"re all engaged. The rain was so sudden7

nobody was prepared8 and everybody had to tae a cab. I"ve been

to Charing Cross one way and nearly to 9udgate Circus the other8

and they were all engaged.

 T'( 2T'(+. )id you try Trafalgar !&uare0

/+()). There wasn"t one at Trafalgar !&uare.

 T'( )A*G'T(+. )id you try0

/+()). I tried as far as Charing Cross !tation. )id you e$pect

me to wal to 'ammersmith0

 T'( )A*G'T(+. ou haven"t tried at all.

 T'( 2T'(+. ou really are very helpless# /reddy. Go again8 and

don"t come bac until you have found a cab.

/+()). I shall simply get soaed for nothing.

 T'( )A*G'T(+. And what about us0 Are we to stay here all night in

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this draught# with ne$t to nothing on. ou sel%sh pig66

/+()). 2h# very well7 I"ll go# I"ll go. ,'e opens his umbrella

and dashes o: !trandwards# but comes intocollision with a ;ower girl# who is hurrying in for shelter#

nocing her baset out of her hands. A blinding ;ash of 

lightning# followed instantly by a rattling peal of thunder#

orchestrates the incident-

 T'( /92(+ GI+9. 3ah then# /reddy7 loo wh" y" gowin# deah.

/+()). !orry ,he rushes o:-.

 T'( /92(+ GI+9 ,picing up her scattered ;owers and replacing

them in the baset- There"s menners f" yer< Te6oo banches o

voylets trod into the mad. ,!he sits down on the plinth of the

column# sorting her ;owers# on the lady"s right. !he is not at

all an attractive person. !he is perhaps eighteen# perhaps

twenty# hardly older. !he wears a little sailor hat of blac

straw that has long been e$posed to the dust and soot of 9ondon

and has seldom if ever been brushed. 'er hair needs washing

rather badly7 its mousy color can hardly be natural. !he wears a

shoddy blac coat that reaches nearly to her nees and is shaped

to her waist. !he has a brown sirt with a coarse apron. 'er

boots are much the worse for wear. !he is no doubt as clean as

she can a:ord to be8 but compared to the ladies she is very

dirty. 'er features are no worse than theirs8 but their condition

leaves something to be desired8 and she needs the services of a

dentist-.

 T'( 2T'(+. 'ow do you now that my son"s name is /reddy# pray0

 T'( /92(+ GI+9. 2w# ee= ye6ooa san# is e0 al# fewd dan y"

de6ooty bawm= a mather should# eed now bettern to spawl a pore

gel"s ;ahr=n than ran awy atbaht pyin. ill ye6oo py me f"them0

,'ere# with apologies# this desperate attempt to represent her

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dialect without a phonetic alphabet must be abandoned as

unintelligible outside 9ondon.-

 T'( )A*G'T(+. )o nothing of the sort# mother. The idea<

 T'( 2T'(+. Please allow me# Clara. 'ave you any pennies0

 T'( )A*G'T(+. 3o. I"ve nothing smaller than si$pence.

 T'( /92(+ GI+9 ,hopefully- I can give you change for a tanner#

ind lady.

 T'( 2T'(+ ,to Clara- Give it to me. ,Clara parts reluctantly-.

3ow ,to the girl- This is for your ;owers.

 T'( /92(+ GI+9. Than you indly# lady.

 T'( )A*G'T(+. ae her give you the change. These things are only

a penny a bunch.

 T'( 2T'(+. )o hold your tongue# Clara. ,To the girl-.

 ou can eep the change.

 T'( /92(+ GI+9. 2h# than you# lady.

 T'( 2T'(+. 3ow tell me how you now that young gentleman"s name.

 T'( /92(+ GI+9. I didn"t.

 T'( 2T'(+. I heard you call him by it. )on"t try to deceive me.

 T'( /92(+ GI+9 ,protesting- ho"s trying to deceive you0 I

called him /reddy or Charlie same as you might yourself if you

was taling to a stranger and wished to be pleasant. ,!he sits

down beside her baset-.

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 T'( )A*G'T(+. !i$pence thrown away< +eally# mamma# you might have

spared /reddy that. ,!he retreats in disgust behind the pillar-.

An elderly gentleman of the amiable military type rushes intoshelter# and closes a dripping umbrella. 'e is in the same plight

as /reddy# very wet about the anles. 'e is in evening dress#

with a light overcoat. 'e taes the place left vacant by the

daughter"s retirement.

 T'( G(3T9(A3. Phew<

 T'( 2T'(+ ,to the gentleman- 2h# sir# is there any sign of its

stopping0

 T'( G(3T9(A3. I"m afraid not. It started worse than ever about

two minutes ago. ,'e goes to the plinth beside the ;ower girl8

puts up his foot on it8 and stoops to turn down his trouser

ends-.

 T'( 2T'(+. 2h# dear< ,!he retires sadly and >oins her daughter-.

 T'( /92(+ GI+9 ,taing advantage of the military gentleman"s

pro$imity to establish friendly relations with him-. If it"s

worse it"s a sign it"s nearly over. !o cheer up# Captain8 and buy

a ;ower o: a poor girl.

 T'( G(3T9(A3. I"m sorry# I haven"t any change.

 T'( /92(+ GI+9. I can give you change# Captain#

 T'( G(3T9((3. /or a sovereign0 I"ve nothing less.

 T'( /92(+ GI+9. Garn< 2h do buy a ;ower o: me# Captain. I can

change half6a6crown. Tae this for tuppence.

 T'( G(3T9(A3. 3ow don"t be troublesome7 there"s a good girl.

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,Trying his pocets- I really haven"t any change66!top7 here"s

three hapence# if that"s any use to you ,he retreats to the other

pillar-.

 T'( /92(+ GI+9 ,disappointed# but thining three halfpence

better than nothing- Than you# sir.

 T'( 4!TA3)(+ ,to the girl- ou be careful7 give him a ;ower for

it. There"s a bloe here behind taing down every blessed word

you"re saying. ,All turn to the man who is taing notes-.

 T'( /92(+ GI+9 ,springing up terri%ed- I ain"t done nothing

wrong by speaing to the gentleman. I"ve a right to sell ;owers

if I eep o: the erb. ,'ysterically- I"m a respectable girl7 so

help me# I never spoe to him e$cept to as him to buy a ;ower

o: me. ,General hubbub# mostly sympathetic to the ;ower girl#

but deprecating her e$cessive sensibility. Cries of )on"t start

hollerin. ho"s hurting you0 3obody"s going to touch you. hat"s

the good of fussing0 !teady on. (asy# easy# etc.# come from the

elderly staid spectators# who pat her comfortingly. 9ess patient

ones bid her shut her head# or as her roughly what is wrong with

her. A remoter group# not nowing what the matter is# crowd in

and increase the noise with &uestion and answer7 hat"s the row0

hat she do0 here is he0 A tec taing her down. hat< him0 es7

him over there7 Too money o: the gentleman# etc. The ;ower

girl# distraught and mobbed# breas through them to the

gentleman# crying mildly- 2h# sir# don"t let him charge me. ou

dunno what it means to me. They"ll tae away my character and

drive me on the streets for speaing to gentlemen. They66

 T'( 32T( TA?(+ ,coming forward on her right# the rest crowding

after him- There# there# there# there< ho"s hurting you# you

silly girl0 hat do you tae me for0

 T'( 4!TA3)(+. It"s all right7 he"s a gentleman7 loo at his

boots. ,($plaining to the note taer- !he thought you was a

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copper"s nar# sir.

 T'( 32T( TA?(+ ,with &uic interest- hat"s a copper"s nar0

 T'( 4!TA3)(+ ,inept at de%nition- It"s a66well# it"s a copper"s

nar# as you might say. hat else would you call it0 A sort of 

informer.

 T'( /92(+ GI+9 ,still hysterical- I tae my 4ible oath I never

said a word66

 T'( 32T( TA?(+ ,overbearing but good6humored- 2h# shut up# shut

up. )o I loo lie a policeman0

 T'( /92(+ GI+9 ,far from reassured- Then what did you tae down

my words for0 'ow do I now whether you too me down right0 ou

 >ust show me what you"ve wrote about me. ,The note taer opens

his boo and holds it steadily under her nose# though the

pressure of the mob trying to read it over his shoulders would

upset a weaer man-. hat"s that0 That ain"t proper writing. I

can"t read that.

 T'( 32T( TA?(+. I can. ,+eads# reproducing her pronunciation

e$actly- @Cheer ap# ?eptin8 n" haw ya ;ahr orf a pore gel.@

 T'( /92(+ GI+9 ,much distressed- It"s because I called him

Captain. I meant no harm. ,To the gentleman- 2h# sir# don"t let

him lay a charge agen me for a word lie that. ou66

 T'( G(3T9(A3. Charge< I mae no charge. ,To the note taer-

+eally# sir# if you are a detective# you need not begin

protecting me against molestation by young women until I as you.

Anybody could see that the girl meant no harm.

 T'( 4!TA3)(+! G(3(+A99 ,demonstrating against police espionage-

Course they could. hat business is it of yours0 ou mind your

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own a:airs. 'e wants promotion# he does. Taing down people"s

words< Girl never said a word to him. hat harm if she did0 3ice

thing a girl can"t shelter from the rain without being insulted#

etc.# etc.# etc. ,!he is conducted by the more sympatheticdemonstrators bac to her plinth# where she resumes her seat and

struggles with her emotion-.

 T'( 4!TA3)(+. 'e ain"t a tec. 'e"s a blooming busybody7 that"s

what he is. I tell you# loo at his boots.

 T'( 32T( TA?(+ ,turning on him genially- And how are all your

people down at !elsey0

 T'( 4!TA3)(+ ,suspiciously- ho told you my people come from

!elsey0

 T'( 32T( TA?(+. 3ever you mind. They did. ,To the girl- 'ow do

you come to be up so far east0 ou were born in 9isson Grove.

 T'( /92(+ GI+9 ,appalled- 2h# what harm is there in my leaving

9isson Grove0 It wasn"t %t for a pig to live in8 and I had to

pay four6and6si$ a wee. ,In tears- 2h# boo66hoo66oo66

 T'( 32T( TA?(+. 9ive where you lie8 but stop that noise.

 T'( G(3T9(A3 ,to the girl- Come# come< he can"t touch you7 you

have a right to live where you please.

A !A+CA!TIC 4!TA3)(+ ,thrusting himself between the note taer

and the gentleman- Par 9ane# for instance. I"d lie to go into

the 'ousing uestion with you# I would.

 T'( /92(+ GI+9 ,subsiding into a brooding melancholy over her

baset# and taling very low6spiritedly to herself- I"m a good

girl# I am.

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 T'( !A+CA!TIC 4!TA3)(+ ,not attending to her- )o you now where

 BIB come from0

 T'( 32T( TA?(+ ,promptly- 'o$ton.

 Titterings. Popular interest in the note taer"s

performance increases.

 T'( !A+CA!TIC 23( ,ama=ed- ell# who said I didn"t0 4ly me< ou

now everything# you do.

 T'( /92(+ GI+9 ,still nursing her sense of in>ury- Ain"t no call

to meddle with me# he ain"t.

 T'( 4!TA3)(+ ,to her- 2f course he ain"t. )on"t you stand it

from him. ,To the note taer- !ee here7 what call have you to

now about people what never o:ered to meddle with you0 here"s

your warrant0

!((+A9 4!TA3)(+! ,encouraged by this seeming point of law- es7

where"s your warrant0

 T'( /92(+ GI+9. 9et him say what he lies. I don"t want to have

no truc with him.

 T'( 4!TA3)(+. ou tae us for dirt under your feet# don"t you0

Catch you taing liberties with a gentleman<

 T'( !A+CA!TIC 4!TA3)(+. es7 tell 'I where he come from if you

want to go fortune6telling.

 T'( 32T( TA?(+. Cheltenham# 'arrow# Cambridge# and India.

 T'( G(3T9(A3. uite right. ,Great laughter. +eaction in the note

taer"s favor. ($clamations of 'e nows all about it. Told him

proper. 'ear him tell the to: where he come from0 etc.-. ay I

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as# sir# do you do this for your living at a music hall0

 T'( 32T( TA?(+. I"ve thought of that. Perhaps I shall some day.

 The rain has stopped8 and the persons on the outside of the crowd

begin to drop o:.

 T'( /92(+ GI+9 ,resenting the reaction- 'e"s no gentleman# he

ain"t# to interfere with a poor girl.

 T'( )A*G'T(+ ,out of patience# pushing her way rudely to the

front and displacing the gentleman# who politely retires to the

other side of the pillar- hat on earth is /reddy doing0 I shall

get pneumonia if I stay in this draught any longer.

 T'( 32T( TA?(+ ,to himself# hastily maing a note of her

pronunciation of @monia@- (arlscourt.

 T'( )A*G'T(+ ,violently- ill you please eep your impertinent

remars to yourself0

 T'( 32T( TA?(+. )id I say that out loud0 I didn"t mean to. I beg

your pardon. our mother"s (psom# unmistaeably.

 T'( 2T'(+ ,advancing between her daughter and the note taer-

'ow very curious< I was brought up in 9argelady Par# near (psom.

 T'( 32T( TA?(+ ,uproariously amused- 'a< ha< hat a devil of a

name< ($cuse me. ,To the daughter- ou want a cab# do you0

 T'( )A*G'T(+. )on"t dare spea to me.

 T'( 2T'(+. 2h# please# please Clara. ,'er daughter repudiates

her with an angry shrug and retires haughtily.- e should be so

grateful to you# sir# if you found us a cab. ,The note taer

produces a whistle-. 2h# than you. ,!he >oins her daughter-. The

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note taer blows a piercing blast.

 T'( !A+CA!TIC 4!TA3)(+. There< I nowed he was a

plain6clothes copper.

 T'( 4!TA3)(+. That ain"t a police whistle7 that"s a sporting

whistle.

 T'( /92(+ GI+9 ,still preoccupied with her wounded feelings-

'e"s no right to tae away my character. y character is the same

to me as any lady"s.

 T'( 32T( TA?(+. I don"t now whether you"ve noticed it8 but the

rain stopped about two minutes ago.

 T'( 4!TA3)(+. !o it has. hy didn"t you say so before0 and us

losing our time listening to your silliness. ,'e wals o: 

towards the !trand-.

 T'( !A+CA!TIC 4!TA3)(+. I can tell where you come from. ou come

from Anwell. Go bac there.

 T'( 32T( TA?(+ ,helpfully- B'Banwell.

 T'( !A+CA!TIC 4!TA3)(+ ,a:ecting great distinction of speech-

 Then you# teacher. 'aw haw< !o long ,he touches his hat with

moc respect and strolls o:-.

 T'( /92(+ GI+9. /rightening people lie that< 'ow would he lie

it himself.

 T'( 2T'(+. It"s &uite %ne now# Clara. e can wal to a motor

bus. Come. ,!he gathers her sirts above her anles and hurries

o: towards the !trand-.

 T'( )A*G'T(+. 4ut the cab66,her mother is out of hearing-. 2h#

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how tiresome< ,!he follows angrily-.

All the rest have gone e$cept the note taer# the

gentleman# and the ;ower girl# who sits arranging her baset#and still pitying herself in murmurs.

 T'( /92(+ GI+9. Poor girl< 'ard enough for her to live without

being worrited and chivied.

 T'( G(3T9(A3 ,returning to his former place on the note taer"s

left- 'ow do you do it# if I may as0

 T'( 32T( TA?(+. !imply phonetics. The science of speech. That"s

my profession8 also my hobby. 'appy is the man who can mae a

living by his hobby< ou can spot an Irishman or a orshireman

by his brogue. I can place any man within si$ miles. I can place

him within two miles in 9ondon. !ometimes within two streets.

 T'( /92(+ GI+9. 2ught to be ashamed of himself# unmanly coward<

 T'( G(3T9(A3. 4ut is there a living in that0

 T'( 32T( TA?(+. 2h yes. uite a fat one. This is an age of 

upstarts. en begin in ?entish Town with DE pounds a year# and

end in Par 9ane with a hundred thousand. They want to drop

?entish Town8 but they give themselves away every time they open

their mouths. 3ow I can teach them66

 T'( /92(+ GI+9. 9et him mind his own business and leave a poor

girl66

 T'( 32T( TA?(+ ,e$plosively- oman7 cease this detestable

boohooing instantly8 or else see the shelter of some other place

of worship.

 T'( /92(+ GI+9 ,with feeble de%ance- I"ve a right to be here if 

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I lie# same as you.

 T'( 32T( TA?(+. A woman who utters such depressing and disgusting

sounds has no right to be anywhere66no right to live. +ememberthat you are a human being with a soul and the divine gift of 

articulate speech7 that your native language is the language of 

!haespear and ilton and The 4ible8 and don"t sit there crooning

lie a bilious pigeon.

 T'( /92(+ GI+9 ,&uite overwhelmed# and looing up at him in

mingled wonder and deprecation without daring to raise her head-

Ah66ah66ah66ow66ow66oo<

 T'( 32T( TA?(+ ,whipping out his boo- 'eavens< what a sound< ,'e

writes8 then holds out the boo and reads# reproducing her vowels

e$actly- Ah66ah66ah66ow66ow66ow66oo<

 T'( /92(+ GI+9 ,ticled by the performance# and laughing in

spite of herself- Garn<

 T'( 32T( TA?(+. ou see this creature with her erbstone (nglish7

the (nglish that will eep her in the gutter to the end of her

days. ell# sir# in three months I could pass that girl o: as a

duchess at an ambassador"s garden party. I could even get her a

place as lady"s maid or shop assistant# which re&uires better

(nglish. That"s the sort of thing I do for commercial

millionaires. And on the pro%ts of it I do genuine scienti%c

wor in phonetics# and a little as a poet on iltonic lines.

 T'( G(3T9(A3. I am myself a student of Indian dialects8 and66

 T'( 32T( TA?(+ ,eagerly- Are you0 )o you now Colonel Picering#

the author of !poen !anscrit0

 T'( G(3T9(A3. I am Colonel Picering. ho are you0

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 T'( 32T( TA?(+. 'enry 'iggins# author of 'iggins"s *niversal

Alphabet.

PIC?(+I3G ,with enthusiasm- I came from India to meet you.

'IGGI3!. I was going to India to meet you.

PIC?(+I3G. here do you live0

'IGGI3!. FA impole !treet. Come and see me tomorrow.

PIC?(+I3G. I"m at the Carlton. Come with me now and let"s have a

 >aw over some supper.

'IGGI3!. +ight you are.

 T'( /92(+ GI+9 ,to Picering# as he passes her- 4uy a ;ower#

ind gentleman. I"m short for my lodging.

PIC?(+I3G. I really haven"t any change. I"m sorry ,he goes away-.

'IGGI3! ,shoced at girl"s mendacity- 9iar. ou said you could

change half6a6crown.

 T'( /92(+ GI+9 ,rising in desperation- ou ought to be stu:ed

with nails# you ought. ,/linging the baset at his feet- Tae the

whole blooming baset for si$pence.

 The church cloc stries the second &uarter.

'IGGI3! ,hearing in it the voice of God# rebuing him for his

Pharisaic want of charity to the poor girl- A reminder. ,'e

raises his hat solemnly8 then throws a handful of money into the

baset and follows Picering-.

 T'( /92(+ GI+9 ,picing up a half6crown- Ah66ow66ooh< ,Picing

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up a couple of ;orins- Aaah66ow66ooh< ,Picing up several coins-

Aaaaaah66ow66ooh< ,Picing up a half6sovereign- Aasaaaaaaaaah66

ow66ooh<<<

/+()) ,springing out of a ta$icab- Got one at last. 'allo< ,To

the girl- here are the two ladies that were here0

 T'( /92(+ GI+9. They waled to the bus when the rain stopped.

/+()). And left me with a cab on my hands. )amnation<

 T'( /92(+ GI+9 ,with grandeur- 3ever you mind# young man. I"m

going home in a ta$i. ,!he sails o: to the cab. The driver puts

his hand behind him and holds the door %rmly shut against her.

uite understanding his mistrust# she shows him her handful of 

money-. (ightpence ain"t no ob>ect to me# Charlie. ,'e grins and

opens the door-. Angel Court# )rury 9ane# round the corner of 

icle>ohn"s oil shop. 9et"s see how fast you can mae her hop

it. ,!he gets in and pulls the door to with a slam as the ta$icab

starts-.

/+()). ell# I"m dashed<

ACT II

3e$t day at 11 a.m. 'iggins"s laboratory in impole !treet. It

is a room on the %rst ;oor# looing on the street# and was

meant for the drawing6room. The double doors are in the middle of 

the bac hall8 and persons entering %nd in the corner to their

right two tall %le cabinets at right angles to one another

against the walls. In this corner stands a ;at writing6table# on

which are a phonograph# a laryngoscope# a row of tiny organ pipes

with a bellows# a set of lamp chimneys for singing ;ames with

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burners attached to a gas plug in the wall by an indiarubber

tube# several tuning6fors of di:erent si=es# a life6si=e image

of half a human head# showing in section the vocal organs# and a

bo$ containing a supply of wa$ cylinders for the phonograph.

/urther down the room# on the same side# is a %replace# with a

comfortable leather6covered easy6chair at the side of the hearth

nearest the door# and a coal6scuttle. There is a cloc on the

mantelpiece. 4etween the %replace and the phonograph table is a

stand for newspapers.

2n the other side of the central door# to the left of the

visitor# is a cabinet of shallow drawers. 2n it is a telephone

and the telephone directory. The corner beyond# and most of the

side wall# is occupied by a grand piano# with the eyboard at the

end furthest from the door# and a bench for the player e$tending

the full length of the eyboard. 2n the piano is a dessert dish

heaped with fruit and sweets# mostly chocolates.

 The middle of the room is clear. 4esides the easy chair# the

piano bench# and two chairs at the phonograph table# there is one

stray chair. It stands near the %replace. 2n the walls#

engravings8 mostly Piranesis and me==otint portraits. 3o

paintings.

Picering is seated at the table# putting down some cards and a

tuning6for which he has been using. 'iggins is standing up near

him# closing two or three %le drawers which are hanging out. 'e

appears in the morning light as a robust# vital# appeti=ing sort

of man of forty or thereabouts# dressed in a professional6looing

blac froc6coat with a white linen collar and blac sil tie. 'e

is of the energetic# scienti%c type# heartily# even violently

interested in everything that can be studied as a scienti%c

sub>ect# and careless about himself and other people# including

their feelings. 'e is# in fact# but for his years and si=e#

rather lie a very impetuous baby @taing notice@ eagerly and

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loudly# and re&uiring almost as much watching to eep him out of 

unintended mischief. 'is manner varies from genial bullying when

he is in a good humor to stormy petulance when anything goes

wrong8 but he is so entirely fran and void of malice that heremains lieable even in his least reasonable moments.

'IGGI3! ,as he shuts the last drawer- ell# I thin that"s the

whole show.

PIC?(+I3G. It"s really ama=ing. I haven"t taen half of it in#

you now.

'IGGI3!. ould you lie to go over any of it again0

PIC?(+I3G ,rising and coming to the %replace# where he plants

himself with his bac to the %re- 3o# than you8 not now. I"m

&uite done up for this morning.

'IGGI3! ,following him# and standing beside him on his left-

 Tired of listening to sounds0

PIC?(+I3G. es. It"s a fearful strain. I rather fancied myself 

because I can pronounce twenty6four distinct vowel sounds8 but

your hundred and thirty beat me. I can"t hear a bit of di:erence

between most of them.

'IGGI3! ,chucling# and going over to the piano to eat sweets-

2h# that comes with practice. ou hear no di:erence at %rst8

but you eep on listening# and presently you %nd they"re all as

di:erent as A from 4. ,rs. Pearce loos in7 she is 'iggins"s

houseeeper- hat"s the matter0

+!. P(A+C( ,hesitating# evidently perple$ed- A young woman wants

to see you# sir.

'IGGI3!. A young woman< hat does she want0

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+!. P(A+C(. ell# sir# she says you"ll be glad to see her when

you now what she"s come about. !he"s &uite a common girl# sir.

ery common indeed. I should have sent her away# only I thoughtperhaps you wanted her to tal into your machines. I hope I"ve

not done wrong8 but really you see such &ueer people sometimes66

you"ll e$cuse me# I"m sure# sir66

'IGGI3!. 2h# that"s all right# rs. Pearce. 'as she an

interesting accent0

+!. P(A+C(. 2h# something dreadful# sir# really. I don"t now

how you can tae an interest in it.

'IGGI3! ,to Picering- 9et"s have her up. !how her up# rs.

Pearce ,he rushes across to his woring table and pics out a

cylinder to use on the phonograph-.

+!. P(A+C( ,only half resigned to it- ery well# sir. It"s for

you to say. ,!he goes downstairs-.

'IGGI3!. This is rather a bit of luc. I"ll show you how I mae

records. e"ll set her taling8 and I"ll tae it down %rst in

4ell"s visible !peech8 then in broad +omic8 and then we"ll get

her on the phonograph so that you can turn her on as often as you

lie with the written transcript before you.

+!. P(A+C( ,returning- This is the young woman# sir.

 The ;ower girl enters in state. !he has a hat with three ostrich

feathers# orange# sy6blue# and red. !he has a nearly clean

apron# and the shoddy coat has been tidied a little. The pathos

of this deplorable %gure# with its innocent vanity and

conse&uential air# touches Picering# who has already

straightened himself in the presence of rs. Pearce. 4ut as to

'iggins# the only distinction he maes between men and women is

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that when he is neither bullying nor e$claiming to the heavens

against some featherweight cross# he coa$es women as a child

coa$es its nurse when it wants to get anything out of her.

'IGGI3! ,brus&uely# recogni=ing her with unconcealed

disappointment# and at once# baby6lie# maing an intolerable

grievance of it- hy# this is the girl I >otted down last night.

!he"s no use7 I"ve got all the records I want of the 9isson Grove

lingo8 and I"m not going to waste another cylinder on it. ,To the

girl- 4e o: with you7 I don"t want you.

 T'( /92(+ GI+9. )on"t you be so saucy. ou ain"t heard what I

come for yet. ,To rs. Pearce# who is waiting at the door for

further instruction- )id you tell him I come in a ta$i0

+!. P(A+C(. 3onsense# girl< what do you thin a gentleman lie

r. 'iggins cares what you came in0

 T'( /92(+ GI+9. 2h# we are proud< 'e ain"t above giving lessons#

not him7 I heard him say so. ell# I ain"t come here to as for

any compliment8 and if my money"s not good enough I can go

elsewhere.

'IGGI3!. Good enough for what0

 T'( /92(+ GI+9. Good enough for ye66oo. 3ow you now# don"t you0

I"m come to have lessons# I am. And to pay for em too7 mae no

mistae.

'IGGI3! ,stupent- (99<<< ,+ecovering his breath with a gasp-

hat do you e$pect me to say to you0

 T'( /92(+ GI+9. ell# if you was a gentleman# you might as me

to sit down# I thin. )on"t I tell you I"m bringing you business0

'IGGI3!. Picering7 shall we as this baggage to sit down or

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shall we throw her out of the window0

 T'( /92(+ GI+9 ,running away in terror to the piano# where she

turns at bay- Ah66ah66ah66ow66ow66ow66oo< ,ounded andwhimpering- I won"t be called a baggage when I"ve o:ered to pay

lie any lady.

otionless# the two men stare at her from the other side of the

room# ama=ed.

PIC?(+I3G ,gently- hat is it you want# my girl0

 T'( /92(+ GI+9. I want to be a lady in a ;ower shop stead of 

selling at the corner of Tottenham Court +oad. 4ut they won"t

tae me unless I can tal more genteel. 'e said he could teach

me. ell# here I am ready to pay him66not asing any favor66and

he treats me as if I was dirt.

+!. P(A+C(. 'ow can you be such a foolish ignorant girl as to

thin you could a:ord to pay r. 'iggins0

 T'( /92(+ GI+9. hy shouldn"t I0 I now what lessons cost as

well as you do8 and I"m ready to pay.

'IGGI3!. 'ow much0

 T'( /92(+ GI+9 ,coming bac to him# triumphant- 3ow you"re

taling< I thought you"d come o: it when you saw a chance of 

getting bac a bit of what you chuced at me last night.

,Con%dentially- ou"d had a drop in# hadn"t you0

'IGGI3! ,peremptorily- !it down.

 T'( /92(+ GI+9. 2h# if you"re going to mae a compliment of it66

'IGGI3! ,thundering at her- !it down.

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+!. P(A+C( ,severely- !it down# girl. )o as you"re told. ,!he

places the stray chair near the hearthrug between 'iggins and

Picering# and stands behind it waiting for the girl to sitdown-.

 T'( /92(+ GI+9. Ah66ah66ah66ow66ow66oo< ,!he stands# half 

rebellious# half bewildered-.

PIC?(+I3G ,very courteous- on"t you sit down0

9IHA ,coyly- )on"t mind if I do. ,!he sits down. Picering

returns to the hearthrug-.

'IGGI3!. hat"s your name0

 T'( /92(+ GI+9. 9i=a )oolittle.

'IGGI3! ,declaiming gravely-

(li=a# (li=abeth# 4etsy and 4ess#

 They went to the woods to get a birds nes"7

PIC?(+I3G. They found a nest with four eggs in it7

'IGGI3!. They too one apiece# and left three in it.

 They laugh heartily at their own wit.

9IHA. 2h# don"t be silly.

+!. P(A+C(. ou mustn"t spea to the gentleman lie that.

9IHA. ell# why won"t he spea sensible to me0

'IGGI3!. Come bac to business. 'ow much do you propose to pay me

for the lessons0

9IHA. 2h# I now what"s right. A lady friend of mine gets /rench

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lessons for eighteenpence an hour from a real /rench gentleman.

ell# you wouldn"t have the face to as me the same for teaching

me my own language as you would for /rench8 so I won"t give more

than a shilling. Tae it or leave it.

'IGGI3! ,waling up and down the room# rattling his eys and his

cash in his pocets- ou now# Picering# if you consider a

shilling# not as a simple shilling# but as a percentage of this

girl"s income# it wors out as fully e&uivalent to si$ty or

seventy guineas from a millionaire.

PIC?(+I3G. 'ow so0

'IGGI3!. /igure it out. A millionaire has about 15E pounds a day.

!he earns about half6a6crown.

9IHA ,haughtily- ho told you I only66

'IGGI3! ,continuing- !he o:ers me two6%fths of her day"s income

for a lesson. Two6%fths of a millionaire"s income for a day

would be somewhere about E pounds. It"s handsome. 4y George#

it"s enormous< it"s the biggest o:er I ever had.

9IHA ,rising# terri%ed- !i$ty pounds< hat are you taling

about0 I never o:ered you si$ty pounds. here would I get66

'IGGI3!. 'old your tongue.

9IHA ,weeping- 4ut I ain"t got si$ty pounds. 2h66

+!. P(A+C(. )on"t cry# you silly girl. !it down. 3obody is going

to touch your money.

'IGGI3!. !omebody is going to touch you# with a broomstic# if 

you don"t stop snivelling. !it down.

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9IHA ,obeying slowly- Ah66ah66ah66ow66oo66o< 2ne would thin you

was my father.

'IGGI3!. If I decide to teach you# I"ll be worse than two fathersto you. 'ere ,he o:ers her his sil handerchief-<

9IHA. hat"s this for0

'IGGI3!. To wipe your eyes. To wipe any part of your face that

feels moist. +emember7 that"s your handerchief8 and that"s your

sleeve. )on"t mistae the one for the other if you wish to become

a lady in a shop.

9i=a# utterly bewildered# stares helplessly at him.

+!. P(A+C(. It"s no use taling to her lie that# r. 'iggins7

she doesn"t understand you. 4esides# you"re &uite wrong7 she

doesn"t do it that way at all ,she taes the handerchief-.

9IHA ,snatching it- 'ere< ou give me that handerchief. 'e give

it to me# not to you.

PIC?(+I3G ,laughing- 'e did. I thin it must be regarded as her

property# rs. Pearce.

+!. P(A+C( ,resigning herself- !erve you right# r. 'iggins.

PIC?(+I3G. 'iggins7 I"m interested. hat about the ambassador"s

garden party0 I"ll say you"re the greatest teacher alive if you

mae that good. I"ll bet you all the e$penses of the e$periment

you can"t do it. And I"ll pay for the lessons.

9IHA. 2h# you are real good. Than you# Captain.

'IGGI3! ,tempted# looing at her- It"s almost irresistible. !he"s

so deliciously low66so horribly dirty66

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9IHA ,protesting e$tremely- Ah66ah66ah66ah66ow66ow66oooo<<< I

ain"t dirty7 I washed my face and hands afore I come# I did.

PIC?(+I3G. ou"re certainly not going to turn her head with

;attery# 'iggins.

+!. P(A+C( ,uneasy- 2h# don"t say that# sir7 there"s more ways

than one of turning a girl"s head8 and nobody can do it better

than r. 'iggins# though he may not always mean it. I do hope#

sir# you won"t encourage him to do anything foolish.

'IGGI3! ,becoming e$cited as the idea grows on him- hat is life

but a series of inspired follies0 The diJculty is to %nd them

to do. 3ever lose a chance7 it doesn"t come every day. I shall

mae a duchess of this draggletailed guttersnipe.

9IHA ,strongly deprecating this view of her- Ah66ah66ah66ow66ow66

oo<

'IGGI3! ,carried away- es7 in si$ months66in three if she has a

good ear and a &uic tongue66I"ll tae her anywhere and pass her

o: as anything. e"ll start today7 now< this moment< Tae her

away and clean her# rs. Pearce. oney 4rand# if it won"t come

o: any other way. Is there a good %re in the itchen0

+!. P(A+C( ,protesting-. es8 but66

'IGGI3! ,storming on- Tae all her clothes o: and burn them.

+ing up hiteley or somebody for new ones. rap her up in brown

paper till they come.

9IHA. ou"re no gentleman# you"re not# to tal of such things.

I"m a good girl# I am8 and I now what the lie of you are# I do.

'IGGI3!. e want none of your 9isson Grove prudery here# young

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woman. ou"ve got to learn to behave lie a duchess. Tae her

away# rs. Pearce. If she gives you any trouble wallop her.

9IHA ,springing up and running between Picering and rs. Pearcefor protection- 3o< I"ll call the police# I will.

+!. P(A+C(. 4ut I"ve no place to put her.

'IGGI3!. Put her in the dustbin.

9IHA. Ah66ah66ah66ow66ow66oo<

PIC?(+I3G. 2h come# 'iggins< be reasonable.

+!. P(A+C( ,resolutely- ou must be reasonable# r. 'iggins7

really you must. ou can"t wal over everybody lie this.

'iggins# thus scolded# subsides. The hurricane is succeeded by a

=ephyr of amiable surprise.

'IGGI3! ,with professional e$&uisiteness of modulation- I wal

over everybody< y dear rs. Pearce# my dear Picering# I never

had the slightest intention of waling over anyone. All I propose

is that we should be ind to this poor girl. e must help her to

prepare and %t herself for her new station in life. If I did not

e$press myself clearly it was because I did not wish to hurt her

delicacy# or yours.

9i=a# reassured# steals bac to her chair.

+!. P(A+C( ,to Picering- ell# did you ever hear anything lie

that# sir0

PIC?(+I3G ,laughing heartily- 3ever# rs. Pearce7 never.

'IGGI3! ,patiently- hat"s the matter0

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+!. P(A+C(. ell# the matter is# sir# that you can"t tae a girl

up lie that as if you were picing up a pebble on the beach.

'IGGI3!. hy not0

+!. P(A+C(. hy not< 4ut you don"t now anything about her. hat

about her parents0 !he may be married.

9IHA. Garn<

'IGGI3!. There< As the girl very properly says# Garn< arried

indeed< )on"t you now that a woman of that class loos a worn

out drudge of %fty a year after she"s married.

9IHA. ho"d marry me0

'IGGI3! ,suddenly resorting to the most thrillingly beautiful low

tones in his best elocutionary style- 4y George# (li=a# the

streets will be strewn with the bodies of men shooting themselves

for your sae before I"ve done with you.

+!. P(A+C(. 3onsense# sir. ou mustn"t tal lie that to her.

9IHA ,rising and s&uaring herself determinedly- I"m going away.

'e"s o: his chump# he is. I don"t want no balmies teaching me.

'IGGI3! ,wounded in his tenderest point by her insensibility to

his elocution- 2h# indeed< I"m mad# am I0 ery well# rs. Pearce7

you needn"t order the new clothes for her. Throw her out.

9IHA ,whimpering- 3ah66ow. ou got no right to touch me.

+!. P(A+C(. ou see now what comes of being saucy. ,Indicating

the door- This way# please.

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9IHA ,almost in tears- I didn"t want no clothes. I wouldn"t have

taen them ,she throws away the handerchief-. I can buy my own

clothes.

'IGGI3! ,deftly retrieving the handerchief and intercepting her

on her reluctant way to the door- ou"re an ungrateful wiced

girl. This is my return for o:ering to tae you out of the

gutter and dress you beautifully and mae a lady of you.

+!. P(A+C(. !top# r. 'iggins. I won"t allow it. It"s you that

are wiced. Go home to your parents# girl8 and tell them to tae

better care of you.

9IHA. I ain"t got no parents. They told me I was big enough to

earn my own living and turned me out.

+!. P(A+C(. here"s your mother0

9IHA. I ain"t got no mother. 'er that turned me out was my si$th

stepmother. 4ut I done without them. And I"m a good girl# I am.

'IGGI3!. ery well# then# what on earth is all this fuss about0

 The girl doesn"t belong to anybody66is no use to anybody but me.

,'e goes to rs. Pearce and begins coa$ing-. ou can adopt her#

rs. Pearce7 I"m sure a daughter would be a great amusement to

you. 3ow don"t mae any more fuss. Tae her downstairs8 and66

+!. P(A+C(. 4ut what"s to become of her0 Is she to be paid

anything0 )o be sensible# sir.

'IGGI3!. 2h# pay her whatever is necessary7 put it down in the

houseeeping boo. ,Impatiently- hat on earth will she want with

money0 !he"ll have her food and her clothes. !he"ll only drin if 

you give her money.

9IHA ,turning on him- 2h you are a brute. It"s a lie7 nobody ever

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saw the sign of li&uor on me. ,!he goes bac to her chair and

plants herself there de%antly-.

PIC?(+I3G ,in good6humored remonstrance- )oes it occur to you#'iggins# that the girl has some feelings0

'IGGI3! ,looing critically at her- 2h no# I don"t thin so. 3ot

any feelings that we need bother about. ,Cheerily- 'ave you#

(li=a0

9IHA. I got my feelings same as anyone else.

'IGGI3! ,to Picering# re;ectively- ou see the diJculty0

PIC?(+I3G. (h0 hat diJculty0

'IGGI3!. To get her to tal grammar. The mere pronunciation is

easy enough.

9IHA. I don"t want to tal grammar. I want to tal lie a lady.

+!. P(A+C(. ill you please eep to the point# r. 'iggins. I

want to now on what terms the girl is to be here. Is she to have

any wages0 And what is to become of her when you"ve %nished

your teaching0 ou must loo ahead a little.

'IGGI3! ,impatiently- hat"s to become of her if I leave her in

the gutter0 Tell me that# rs. Pearce.

+!. P(A+C(. That"s her own business# not yours# r. 'iggins.

'IGGI3!. ell# when I"ve done with her# we can throw her bac

into the gutter8 and then it will be her own business again8 so

that"s all right.

9IHA. 2h# you"ve no feeling heart in you7 you don"t care for

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nothing but yourself ,she rises and taes the ;oor resolutely-.

'ere< I"ve had enough of this. I"m going ,maing for the door-.

 ou ought to be ashamed of yourself# you ought.

'IGGI3! ,snatching a chocolate cream from the piano# his eyes

suddenly beginning to twinle with mischief- 'ave some

chocolates# (li=a.

9IHA ,halting# tempted- 'ow do I now what might be in them0 I"ve

heard of girls being drugged by the lie of you.

'iggins whips out his pennife8 cuts a chocolate in two8 puts one

half into his mouth and bolts it8 and o:ers her the other half.

'IGGI3!. Pledge of good faith# (li=a. I eat one half you eat the

other.

,9i=a opens her mouth to retort7 he pops the half chocolate into

it-. ou shall have bo$es of them# barrels of them# every day.

 ou shall live on them. (h0

9IHA ,who has disposed of the chocolate after being nearly choed

by it- I wouldn"t have ate it# only I"m too ladylie to tae it

out of my mouth.

'IGGI3!. 9isten# (li=a. I thin you said you came in a ta$i.

9IHA. ell# what if I did0 I"ve as good a right to tae a ta$i as

anyone else.

'IGGI3!. ou have# (li=a8 and in future you shall have as many

ta$is as you want. ou shall go up and down and round the town in

a ta$i every day. Thin of that# (li=a.

+!. P(A+C(. r. 'iggins7 you"re tempting the girl. It"s not

right. !he should thin of the future.

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'IGGI3!. At her age< 3onsense< Time enough to thin of the future

when you haven"t any future to thin of. 3o# (li=a7 do as this

lady does7 thin of other people"s futures8 but never thin of your own. Thin of chocolates# and ta$is# and gold# and diamonds.

9IHA. 3o7 I don"t want no gold and no diamonds. I"m a good girl#

I am. ,!he sits down again# with an attempt at dignity-.

'IGGI3!. ou shall remain so# (li=a# under the care of rs.

Pearce. And you shall marry an oJcer in the Guards# with a

beautiful moustache7 the son of a mar&uis# who will disinherit

him for marrying you# but will relent when he sees your beauty

and goodness66

PIC?(+I3G. ($cuse me# 'iggins8 but I really must interfere. rs.

Pearce is &uite right. If this girl is to put herself in your

hands for si$ months for an e$periment in teaching# she must

understand thoroughly what she"s doing.

'IGGI3!. 'ow can she0 !he"s incapable of understanding anything.

4esides# do any of us understand what we are doing0 If we did#

would we ever do it0

PIC?(+I3G. ery clever# 'iggins8 but not sound sense. ,To (li=a-

iss )oolittle66

9IHA ,overwhelmed- Ah66ah66ow66oo<

'IGGI3!. There< That"s all you get out of (li=a. Ah66ah66ow66oo<

3o use e$plaining. As a military man you ought to now that. Give

her her orders7 that"s what she wants. (li=a7 you are to live

here for the ne$t si$ months# learning how to spea beautifully#

lie a lady in a ;orist"s shop. If you"re good and do whatever

you"re told# you shall sleep in a proper bedroom# and have lots

to eat# and money to buy chocolates and tae rides in ta$is. If 

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you"re naughty and idle you will sleep in the bac itchen among

the blac beetles# and be walloped by rs. Pearce with a

broomstic. At the end of si$ months you shall go to 4ucingham

Palace in a carriage# beautifully dressed. If the ?ing %nds outyou"re not a lady# you will be taen by the police to the Tower

of 9ondon# where your head will be cut o: as a warning to other

presumptuous ;ower girls. If you are not found out# you shall

have a present of seven6and6si$pence to start life with as a lady

in a shop. If you refuse this o:er you will be a most ungrateful

and wiced girl8 and the angels will weep for you. ,To Picering-

3ow are you satis%ed# Picering0 ,To rs. Pearce- Can I put it

more plainly and fairly# rs. Pearce0

+!. P(A+C( ,patiently- I thin you"d better let me spea to the

girl properly in private. I don"t now that I can tae charge of 

her or consent to the arrangement at all. 2f course I now you

don"t mean her any harm8 but when you get what you call

interested in people"s accents# you never thin or care what may

happen to them or you. Come with me# (li=a.

'IGGI3!. That"s all right. Than you# rs. Pearce. 4undle her o: 

to the bath6room.

9IHA ,rising reluctantly and suspiciously- ou"re a great bully#

you are. I won"t stay here if I don"t lie. I won"t let nobody

wallop me. I never ased to go to 4ucnam Palace# I didn"t. I was

never in trouble with the police# not me. I"m a good girl66

+!. P(A+C(. )on"t answer bac# girl. ou don"t understand the

gentleman. Come with me. ,!he leads the way to the door# and

holds it open for (li=a-.

9IHA ,as she goes out- ell# what I say is right. I won"t go near

the ing# not if I"m going to have my head cut o:. If I"d

nown what I was letting myself in for# I wouldn"t have come

here. I always been a good girl8 and I never o:ered to say a

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word to him8 and I don"t owe him nothing8 and I don"t care8 and I

won"t be put upon8 and I have my feelings the same as anyone

else66

rs. Pearce shuts the door8 and (li=a"s plaints are no longer

audible. Picering comes from the hearth to the chair and sits

astride it with his arms on the bac.

PIC?(+I3G. ($cuse the straight &uestion# 'iggins. Are you a man

of good character where women are concerned0

'IGGI3! ,moodily- 'ave you ever met a man of good character where

women are concerned0

PIC?(+I3G. es7 very fre&uently.

'IGGI3! ,dogmatically# lifting himself on his hands to the level

of the piano# and sitting on it with a bounce- ell# I haven"t. I

%nd that the moment I let a woman mae friends with me# she

becomes >ealous# e$acting# suspicious# and a damned nuisance. I

%nd that the moment I let myself mae friends with a woman# I

become sel%sh and tyrannical. omen upset everything. hen you

let them into your life# you %nd that the woman is driving at

one thing and you"re driving at another.

PIC?(+I3G. At what# for e$ample0

'IGGI3! ,coming o: the piano restlessly- 2h# 9ord nows< I

suppose the woman wants to live her own life8 and the man wants

to live his8 and each tries to drag the other on to the wrong

trac. 2ne wants to go north and the other south8 and the result

is that both have to go east# though they both hate the east

wind. ,'e sits down on the bench at the eyboard-. !o here I am#

a con%rmed old bachelor# and liely to remain so.

PIC?(+I3G ,rising and standing over him gravely- Come# 'iggins<

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 ou now what I mean. If I"m to be in this business I shall feel

responsible for that girl. I hope it"s understood that no

advantage is to be taen of her position.

'IGGI3!. hat< That thing< !acred# I assure you. ,+ising to

e$plain- ou see# she"ll be a pupil8 and teaching would be

impossible unless pupils were sacred. I"ve taught scores of 

American millionairesses how to spea (nglish7 the best looing

women in the world. I"m seasoned. They might as well be blocs of 

wood. I might as well be a bloc of wood. It"s66

rs. Pearce opens the door. !he has (li=a"s hat in her hand.

Picering retires to the easy6chair at the hearth and sits down.

'IGGI3! ,eagerly- ell# rs. Pearce7 is it all right0

+!. P(A+C( ,at the door- I >ust wish to trouble you with a word#

if I may# r. 'iggins.

'IGGI3!. es# certainly. Come in. ,!he comes forward-. )on"t burn

that# rs. Pearce. I"ll eep it as a curiosity. ,'e taes the

hat-.

+!. P(A+C(. 'andle it carefully# sir# please. I had to promise

her not to burn it8 but I had better put it in the oven for a

while.

'IGGI3! ,putting it down hastily on the piano- 2h< than you.

ell# what have you to say to me0

PIC?(+I3G. Am I in the way0

+!. P(A+C(. 3ot at all# sir. r. 'iggins7 will you please be

very particular what you say before the girl0

'IGGI3! ,sternly- 2f course. I"m always particular about what I

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say. hy do you say this to me0

+!. P(A+C( ,unmoved- 3o# sir7 you"re not at all particular when

you"ve mislaid anything or when you get a little impatient. 3owit doesn"t matter before me7 I"m used to it. 4ut you really must

not swear before the girl.

'IGGI3! ,indignantly- I swear< ,ost emphatically- I never swear.

I detest the habit. hat the devil do you mean0

+!. P(A+C( ,stolidly- That"s what I mean# sir. ou swear a great

deal too much. I don"t mind your damning and blasting# and what

the devil and where the devil and who the devil66

'IGGI3!. +eally< rs. Pearce7 this language from your lips<

+!. P(A+C( ,not to be put o:-66but there is a certain word I

must as you not to use. The girl has >ust used it herself 

because the bath was too hot. It begins with the same letter as

bath. !he nows no better7 she learnt it at her mother"s nee.

4ut she must not hear it from your lips.

'IGGI3! ,loftily- I cannot charge myself with having ever uttered

it# rs. Pearce. ,!he loos at him steadfastly. 'e adds# hiding

an uneasy conscience with a >udicial air- ($cept perhaps in a

moment of e$treme and >usti%able e$citement.

+!. P(A+C(. 2nly this morning# sir# you applied it to your

boots# to the butter# and to the brown bread.

'IGGI3!. 2h# that< ere alliteration# rs. Pearce# natural to a

poet.

+!. P(A+C(. ell# sir# whatever you choose to call it# I beg you

not to let the girl hear you repeat it.

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'IGGI3!. 2h# very well# very well. Is that all0

+!. P(A+C(. 3o# sir. e shall have to be very particular with

this girl as to personal cleanliness.

'IGGI3!. Certainly. uite right. ost important.

+!. P(A+C(. I mean not to be slovenly about her dress or untidy

in leaving things about.

'IGGI3! ,going to her solemnly- Kust so. I intended to call your

attention to that ,'e passes on to Picering# who is en>oying the

conversation immensely-. It is these little things that matter#

Picering. Tae care of the pence and the pounds will tae care

of themselves is as true of personal habits as of money. ,'e

comes to anchor on the hearthrug# with the air of a man in an

unassailable position-.

+!. P(A+C(. es# sir. Then might I as you not to come down to

breafast in your dressing6gown# or at any rate not to use it as

a napin to the e$tent you do# sir. And if you would be so good

as not to eat everything o: the same plate# and to remember not

to put the porridge saucepan out of your hand on the clean

tablecloth# it would be a better e$ample to the girl. ou now

you nearly choed yourself with a %shbone in the >am only last

wee.

'IGGI3! ,routed from the hearthrug and drifting bac to the

piano- I may do these things sometimes in absence of mind8 but

surely I don"t do them habitually. ,Angrily- 4y the way7 my

dressing6gown smells most damnably of ben=ine.

+!. P(A+C(. 3o doubt it does# r. 'iggins. 4ut if you will wipe

your %ngers66

'IGGI3! ,yelling- 2h very well# very well7 I"ll wipe them in my

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hair in future.

+!. P(A+C(. I hope you"re not o:ended# r. 'iggins.

'IGGI3! ,shoced at %nding himself thought capable of an

unamiable sentiment- 3ot at all# not at all. ou"re &uite right#

rs. Pearce7 I shall be particularly careful before the girl. Is

that all0

+!. P(A+C(. 3o# sir. ight she use some of those Kapanese

dresses you brought from abroad0 I really can"t put her bac into

her old things.

'IGGI3!. Certainly. Anything you lie. Is that all0

+!. P(A+C(. Than you# sir. That"s all. ,!he goes out-.

'IGGI3!. ou now# Picering# that woman has the most

e$traordinary ideas about me. 'ere I am# a shy# diJdent sort of 

man. I"ve never been able to feel really grown6up and tremendous#

lie other chaps. And yet she"s %rmly persuaded that I"m an

arbitrary overbearing bossing ind of person. I can"t account

for it.

rs. Pearce returns.

+!. P(A+C(. If you please# sir# the trouble"s beginning already.

 There"s a dustman downstairs# Alfred )oolittle# wants to see you.

'e says you have his daughter here.

PIC?(+I3G ,rising- Phew< I say< ,'e retreats to the hearthrug-.

'IGGI3! ,promptly- !end the blacguard up.

+!. P(A+C(. 2h# very well# sir. ,!he goes out-.

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PIC?(+I3G. 'e may not be a blacguard# 'iggins.

'IGGI3!. 3onsense. 2f course he"s a blacguard.

PIC?(+I3G. hether he is or not# I"m afraid we shall have some

trouble with him.

'IGGI3! ,con%dently- 2h no7 I thin not. If there"s any trouble

he shall have it with me# not I with him. And we are sure to get

something interesting out of him.

PIC?(+I3G. About the girl0

'IGGI3!. 3o. I mean his dialect.

PIC?(+I3G. 2h<

+!. P(A+C( ,at the door- )oolittle# sir. ,!he admits )oolittle

and retires-.

Alfred )oolittle is an elderly but vigorous dustman# clad in the

costume of his profession# including a hat with a bac brim

covering his nec and shoulders. 'e has well mared and rather

interesting features# and seems e&ually free from fear and

conscience. 'e has a remarably e$pressive voice# the result of a

habit of giving vent to his feelings without reserve. 'is present

pose is that of wounded honor and stern resolution.

)229ITT9( ,at the door# uncertain which of the two gentlemen is

his man- Professor 'iggins0

'IGGI3!. 'ere. Good morning. !it down.

)229ITT9(. orning# Governor. ,'e sits down magisterially- I come

about a very serious matter# Governor.

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'IGGI3! ,to Picering- 4rought up in 'ounslow. other elsh# I

should thin. ,)oolittle opens his mouth# ama=ed. 'iggins

continues- hat do you want# )oolittle0

)229ITT9( ,menacingly- I want my daughter7 that"s what I want.

!ee0

'IGGI3!. 2f course you do. ou"re her father# aren"t you0 ou

don"t suppose anyone else wants her# do you0 I"m glad to see you

have some spar of family feeling left. !he"s upstairs. Tae her

away at once.

)229ITT9( ,rising# fearfully taen abac- hat<

'IGGI3!. Tae her away. )o you suppose I"m going to eep your

daughter for you0

)229ITT9( ,remonstrating- 3ow# now# loo here# Governor. Is this

reasonable0 Is it fair to tae advantage of a man lie this0 The

girl belongs to me. ou got her. here do I come in0 ,'e sits

down again-.

'IGGI3!. our daughter had the audacity to come to my house and

as me to teach her how to spea properly so that she could get a

place in a ;ower6shop. This gentleman and my houseeeper have

been here all the time. ,4ullying him- 'ow dare you come here and

attempt to blacmail me0 ou sent her here on purpose.

)229ITT9( ,protesting- 3o# Governor.

'IGGI3!. ou must have. 'ow else could you possibly now that she

is here0

)229ITT9(. )on"t tae a man up lie that# Governor.

'IGGI3!. The police shall tae you up. This is a plant66a plot to

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e$tort money by threats. I shall telephone for the police ,he

goes resolutely to the telephone and opens the directory-.

)229ITT9(. 'ave I ased you for a brass farthing0 I leave it tothe gentleman here7 have I said a word about money0

'IGGI3! ,throwing the boo aside and marching down on )oolittle

with a poser- hat else did you come for0

)229ITT9( ,sweetly- ell# what would a man come for0 4e human#

governor.

'IGGI3! ,disarmed- Alfred7 did you put her up to it0

)229ITT9(. !o help me# Governor# I never did. I tae my 4ible

oath I ain"t seen the girl these two months past.

'IGGI3!. Then how did you now she was here0

)229ITT9( ,@most musical# most melancholy@- I"ll tell you#

Governor# if you"ll only let me get a word in. I"m willing to

tell you. I"m wanting to tell you. I"m waiting to tell you.

'IGGI3!. Picering7 this chap has a certain natural gift of 

rhetoric. 2bserve the rhythm of his native woodnotes wild. @I"m

willing to tell you7 I"m wanting to tell you7 I"m waiting to tell

you.@ !entimental rhetoric< That"s the elsh strain in him. It

also accounts for his mendacity and dishonesty.

PIC?(+I3G. 2h# P9(A!(# 'iggins7 I"m west country myself. ,To

)oolittle- 'ow did you now the girl was here if you didn"t send

her0

)229ITT9(. It was lie this# Governor. The girl too a boy in the

ta$i to give him a >aunt. !on of her landlady# he is. 'e hung

about on the chance of her giving him another ride home. ell#

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she sent him bac for her luggage when she heard you was willing

for her to stop here. I met the boy at the corner of 9ong Acre

and (ndell !treet.

'IGGI3!. Public house. es0

)229ITT9(. The poor man"s club# Governor7 why shouldn"t I0

PIC?(+I3G. )o let him tell his story# 'iggins.

)229ITT9(. 'e told me what was up. And I as you# what was my

feelings and my duty as a father0 I says to the boy# @ou bring

me the luggage#@ I says66

PIC?(+I3G. hy didn"t you go for it yourself0

)229ITT9(. 9andlady wouldn"t have trusted me with it# Governor.

!he"s that ind of woman7 you now. I had to give the boy a penny

afore he trusted me with it# the little swine. I brought it to

her >ust to oblige you lie# and mae myself agreeable. That"s

all.

'IGGI3!. 'ow much luggage0

)229ITT9(. usical instrument# Governor. A few pictures# a tri;e

of >ewelry# and a bird6cage. !he said she didn"t want no clothes.

hat was I to thin from that# Governor0 I as you as a parent

what was I to thin0

'IGGI3!. !o you came to rescue her from worse than death# eh0

)229ITT9( ,appreciatively7 relieved at being understood- Kust so#

Governor. That"s right.

PIC?(+I3G. 4ut why did you bring her luggage if you intended to

tae her away0

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)229ITT9(. 'ave I said a word about taing her away0 'ave I now0

'IGGI3! ,determinedly- ou"re going to tae her away# double&uic. ,'e crosses to the hearth and rings the bell-.

)229ITT9( ,rising- 3o# Governor. )on"t say that. I"m not the man

to stand in my girl"s light. 'ere"s a career opening for her# as

you might say8 and66

rs. Pearce opens the door and awaits orders.

'IGGI3!. rs. Pearce7 this is (li=a"s father. 'e has come to tae

her away. Give her to him. ,'e goes bac to the piano# with an

air of washing his hands of the whole a:air-.

)229ITT9(. 3o. This is a misunderstanding. 9isten here66

+!. P(A+C(. 'e can"t tae her away# r. 'iggins7 how can he0 ou

told me to burn her clothes.

)229ITT9(. That"s right. I can"t carry the girl through the

streets lie a blooming money# can I0 I put it to you.

'IGGI3!. ou have put it to me that you want your daughter. Tae

your daughter. If she has no clothes go out and buy her some.

)229ITT9( ,desperate- here"s the clothes she come in0 )id I burn

them or did your missus here0

+!. P(A+C(. I am the houseeeper# if you please. I have sent for

some clothes for your girl. hen they come you can tae her away.

 ou can wait in the itchen. This way# please.

)oolittle# much troubled# accompanies her to the door8 then

hesitates8 %nally turns con%dentially to 'iggins.

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)229ITT9(. 9isten here# Governor. ou and me is men of the world#

ain"t we0

'IGGI3!. 2h< en of the world# are we0 ou"d better go# rs.

Pearce.

+!. P(A+C(. I thin so# indeed# sir. ,!he goes# with dignity-.

PIC?(+I3G. The ;oor is yours# r. )oolittle.

)229ITT9( ,to Picering- I than you# Governor. ,To 'iggins# who

taes refuge on the piano bench# a little overwhelmed by the

pro$imity of his visitor8 for )oolittle has a professional ;avor

of dust about him-. ell# the truth is# I"ve taen a sort of 

fancy to you# Governor8 and if you want the girl# I"m not so set

on having her bac home again but what I might be open to an

arrangement. +egarded in the light of a young woman# she"s a %ne

handsome girl. As a daughter she"s not worth her eep8 and so I

tell you straight. All I as is my rights as a father8 and you"re

the last man alive to e$pect me to let her go for nothing8 for I

can see you"re one of the straight sort# Governor. ell# what"s a

%ve pound note to you0 And what"s (li=a to me0 ,'e returns to

his chair and sits down >udicially-.

PIC?(+I3G. I thin you ought to now# )oolittle# that r.

'iggins"s intentions are entirely honorable.

)229ITT9(. Course they are# Governor. If I thought they wasn"t#

I"d as %fty.

'IGGI3! ,revolted- )o you mean to say# you callous rascal# that

you would sell your daughter for 5E pounds0

)229ITT9(. 3ot in a general way I wouldn"t8 but to oblige a

gentleman lie you I"d do a good deal# I do assure you.

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PIC?(+I3G. 'ave you no morals# man0

)229ITT9( ,unabashed- Can"t a:ord them# Governor. 3either couldyou if you was as poor as me. 3ot that I mean any harm# you now.

4ut if 9i=a is going to have a bit out of this# why not me too0

'IGGI3! ,troubled- I don"t now what to do# Picering. There can

be no &uestion that as a matter of morals it"s a positive crime

to give this chap a farthing. And yet I feel a sort of rough

 >ustice in his claim.

)229ITT9(. That"s it# Governor. That"s all I say. A father"s

heart# as it were.

PIC?(+I3G. ell# I now the feeling8 but really it seems hardly

right66

)229ITT9(. )on"t say that# Governor. )on"t loo at it that way.

hat am I# Governors both0 I as you# what am I0 I"m one of the

undeserving poor7 that"s what I am. Thin of what that means to a

man. It means that he"s up agen middle class morality all the

time. If there"s anything going# and I put in for a bit of it#

it"s always the same story7 @ou"re undeserving8 so you can"t

have it.@ 4ut my needs is as great as the most deserving widow"s

that ever got money out of si$ di:erent charities in one wee

for the death of the same husband. I don"t need less than a

deserving man7 I need more. I don"t eat less hearty than him8 and

I drin a lot more. I want a bit of amusement# cause I"m a

thining man. I want cheerfulness and a song and a band when I

feel low. ell# they charge me >ust the same for everything as

they charge the deserving. hat is middle class morality0 Kust an

e$cuse for never giving me anything. Therefore# I as you# as two

gentlemen# not to play that game on me. I"m playing straight with

you. I ain"t pretending to be deserving. I"m undeserving8 and I

mean to go on being undeserving. I lie it8 and that"s the truth.

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ill you tae advantage of a man"s nature to do him out of the

price of his own daughter what he"s brought up and fed and

clothed by the sweat of his brow until she"s growed big enough to

be interesting to you two gentlemen0 Is %ve pounds unreasonable0I put it to you8 and I leave it to you.

'IGGI3! ,rising# and going over to Picering- Picering7 if we

were to tae this man in hand for three months# he could choose

between a seat in the Cabinet and a popular pulpit in ales.

PIC?(+I3G. hat do you say to that# )oolittle0

)229ITT9(. 3ot me# Governor# than you indly. I"ve heard all the

preachers and all the prime ministers66for I"m a thining man and

game for politics or religion or social reform same as all the

other amusements66and I tell you it"s a dog"s life anyway you

loo at it. *ndeserving poverty is my line. Taing one station in

society with another# it"s66it"s66well# it"s the only one that

has any ginger in it# to my taste.

'IGGI3!. I suppose we must give him a %ver.

PIC?(+I3G. 'e"ll mae a bad use of it# I"m afraid.

)229ITT9(. 3ot me# Governor# so help me I won"t. )on"t you be

afraid that I"ll save it and spare it and live idle on it. There

won"t be a penny of it left by onday7 I"ll have to go to wor

same as if I"d never had it. It won"t pauperi=e me# you bet. Kust

one good spree for myself and the missus# giving pleasure to

ourselves and employment to others# and satisfaction to you to

thin it"s not been throwed away. ou couldn"t spend it better.

'IGGI3! ,taing out his pocet boo and coming between )oolittle

and the piano- This is irresistible. 9et"s give him ten. ,'e

o:ers two notes to the dustman-.

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)229ITT9(. 3o# Governor. !he wouldn"t have the heart to spend

ten8 and perhaps I shouldn"t neither. Ten pounds is a lot of 

money7 it maes a man feel prudent lie8 and then goodbye to

happiness. ou give me what I as you# Governor7 not a pennymore# and not a penny less.

PIC?(+I3G. hy don"t you marry that missus of yours0 I rather

draw the line at encouraging that sort of immorality.

)229ITT9(. Tell her so# Governor7 tell her so. I"m willing. It"s

me that su:ers by it. I"ve no hold on her. I got to be agreeable

to her. I got to give her presents. I got to buy her clothes

something sinful. I"m a slave to that woman# Governor# >ust

because I"m not her lawful husband. And she nows it too. Catch

her marrying me< Tae my advice# Governor7 marry (li=a while

she"s young and don"t now no better. If you don"t you"ll be

sorry for it after. If you do# she"ll be sorry for it after8 but

better you than her# because you"re a man# and she"s only a woman

and don"t now how to be happy anyhow.

'IGGI3!. Picering7 if we listen to this man another minute# we

shall have no convictions left. ,To )oolittle- /ive pounds I

thin you said.

)229ITT9(. Than you indly# Governor.

'IGGI3!. ou"re sure you won"t tae ten0

)229ITT9(. 3ot now. Another time# Governor.

'IGGI3! ,handing him a %ve6pound note- 'ere you are.

)229ITT9(. Than you# Governor. Good morning.

,'e hurries to the door# an$ious to get away with his booty. hen

he opens it he is confronted with a dainty and e$&uisitely clean

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young Kapanese lady in a simple blue cotton imono printed

cunningly with small white >asmine blossoms. rs. Pearce is with

her. 'e gets out of her way deferentially and apologi=es-. 4eg

pardon# miss.

 T'( KAPA3(!( 9A). Garn< )on"t you now your own daughter0

)229ITT9( Le$claiming 4ly me< it"s (li=a<

'IGGI3! Lsimul6 hat"s that< This<

PIC?(+I3G Ltaneously 4y Kove<

9IHA. )on"t I loo silly0

'IGGI3!. !illy0

+!. P(A+C( ,at the door- 3ow# r. 'iggins# please don"t say

anything to mae the girl conceited about herself.

'IGGI3! ,conscientiously- 2h< uite right# rs. Pearce. ,To

(li=a- es7 damned silly.

+!. P(A+C(. Please# sir.

'IGGI3! ,correcting himself- I mean e$tremely silly.

9IHA. I should loo all right with my hat on. ,!he taes up her

hat8 puts it on8 and wals across the room to the %replace with

a fashionable air-.

'IGGI3!. A new fashion# by George< And it ought to loo horrible<

)229ITT9( ,with fatherly pride- ell# I never thought she"d clean

up as good looing as that# Governor. !he"s a credit to me# ain"t

she0

9IHA. I tell you# it"s easy to clean up here. 'ot and cold water

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on tap# >ust as much as you lie# there is. oolly towels# there

is8 and a towel horse so hot# it burns your %ngers. !oft brushes

to scrub yourself# and a wooden bowl of soap smelling lie

primroses. 3ow I now why ladies is so clean. ashing"s a treatfor them. ish they saw what it is for the lie of me<

'IGGI3!. I"m glad the bath6room met with your approval.

9IHA. It didn"t7 not all of it8 and I don"t care who hears me say

it. rs. Pearce nows.

'IGGI3!. hat was wrong# rs. Pearce0

+!. P(A+C( ,blandly- 2h# nothing# sir. It doesn"t matter.

9IHA. I had a good mind to brea it. I didn"t now which way to

loo. 4ut I hung a towel over it# I did.

'IGGI3!. 2ver what0

+!. P(A+C(. 2ver the looing6glass# sir.

'IGGI3!. )oolittle7 you have brought your daughter up too

strictly.

)229ITT9(. e< I never brought her up at all# e$cept to give her

a lic of a strap now and again. )on"t put it on me# Governor.

!he ain"t accustomed to it# you see7 that"s all. 4ut she"ll soon

pic up your free6and6easy ways.

9IHA. I"m a good girl# I am8 and I won"t pic up no free and easy

ways.

'IGGI3!. (li=a7 if you say again that you"re a good girl# your

father shall tae you home.

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9IHA. 3ot him. ou don"t now my father. All he come here for was

to touch you for some money to get drun on.

)229ITT9(. ell# what else would I want money for0 To put intothe plate in church# I suppose. ,!he puts out her tongue at him.

'e is so incensed by this that Picering presently %nds it

necessary to step between them-. )on"t you give me none of your

lip8 and don"t let me hear you giving this gentleman any of it

neither# or you"ll hear from me about it. !ee0

'IGGI3!. 'ave you any further advice to give her before you go#

)oolittle0 our blessing# for instance.

)229ITT9(. 3o# Governor7 I ain"t such a mug as to put up my

children to all I now myself. 'ard enough to hold them in

without that. If you want (li=a"s mind improved# Governor# you do

it yourself with a strap. !o long# gentlemen. ,'e turns to go-.

'IGGI3! ,impressively- !top. ou"ll come regularly to see your

daughter. It"s your duty# you now. y brother is a clergyman8

and he could help you in your tals with her.

)229ITT9( ,evasively- Certainly. I"ll come# Governor. 3ot >ust

this wee# because I have a >ob at a distance. 4ut later on you

may depend on me. Afternoon# gentlemen. Afternoon# ma"am. ,'e

taes o: his hat to rs. Pearce# who disdains the salutation and

goes out. 'e wins at 'iggins# thining him probably a fellow

su:erer from rs. Pearce"s diJcult disposition# and follows

her-.

9IHA. )on"t you believe the old liar. 'e"d as soon you set a

bull6dog on him as a clergyman. ou won"t see him again in a

hurry.

'IGGI3!. I don"t want to# (li=a. )o you0

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for you to try on.

9IHA. Ah66ow66oo66ooh< ,!he rushes out-.

+!. P(A+C( ,following her- 2h# don"t rush about lie that# girl

,!he shuts the door behind her-.

'IGGI3!. Picering7 we have taen on a sti: >ob.

PIC?(+I3G ,with conviction- 'iggins7 we have.

ACT III

It is rs. 'iggins"s at6home day. 3obody has yet arrived. 'er

drawing6room# in a ;at on Chelsea embanment# has three windows

looing on the river8 and the ceiling is not so lofty as it would

be in an older house of the same pretension. The windows are

open# giving access to a balcony with ;owers in pots. If you

stand with your face to the windows# you have the %replace on

your left and the door in the right6hand wall close to the corner

nearest the windows.

rs. 'iggins was brought up on orris and 4urne Kones8 and her

room# which is very unlie her son"s room in impole !treet# is

not crowded with furniture and little tables and nicnacs. In

the middle of the room there is a big ottoman8 and this# with the

carpet# the orris wall6papers# and the orris chint= window

curtains and brocade covers of the ottoman and its cushions#

supply all the ornament# and are much too handsome to be hidden

by odds and ends of useless things. A few good oil6paintings from

the e$hibitions in the Grosvenor Gallery thirty years ago Mthe

4urne Kones# not the histler side of themN are on the walls. The

only landscape is a Cecil 9awson on the scale of a +ubens. There

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is a portrait of rs. 'iggins as she was when she de%ed fashion

in her youth in one of the beautiful +ossettian costumes which#

when caricatured by people who did not understand# led to the

absurdities of popular estheticism in the eighteen6seventies.

In the corner diagonally opposite the door rs. 'iggins# now over

si$ty and long past taing the trouble to dress out of the

fashion# sits writing at an elegantly simple writing6table with a

bell button within reach of her hand. There is a Chippendale

chair further bac in the room between her and the window nearest

her side. At the other side of the room# further forward# is an

(li=abethan chair roughly carved in the taste of Inigo Kones. 2n

the same side a piano in a decorated case. The corner between the

%replace and the window is occupied by a divan cushioned in

orris chint=.

It is between four and %ve in the afternoon.

 The door is opened violently8 and 'iggins enters with his hat on.

+!. 'IGGI3! ,dismayed- 'enry ,scolding him-< hat are you doing

here to6day0 It is my at home day7 you promised not to come. ,As

he bends to iss her# she taes his hat o:# and presents it to

him-.

'IGGI3!. 2h bother< ,'e throws the hat down on the table-.

+!. 'IGGI3!. Go home at once.

'IGGI3! ,issing her- I now# mother. I came on purpose.

+!. 'IGGI3!. 4ut you mustn"t. I"m serious# 'enry. ou o:end all

my friends7 they stop coming whenever they meet you.

'IGGI3!. 3onsense< I now I have no small tal8 but people don"t

mind. ,'e sits on the settee-.

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+!. 'IGGI3!. 2h< don"t they0 !mall tal indeed< hat about your

large tal0 +eally# dear# you mustn"t stay.

'IGGI3!. I must. I"ve a >ob for you. A phonetic >ob.

+!. 'IGGI3!. 3o use# dear. I"m sorry8 but I can"t get round your

vowels8 and though I lie to get pretty postcards in your patent

shorthand# I always have to read the copies in ordinary writing

you so thoughtfully send me.

'IGGI3!. ell# this isn"t a phonetic >ob.

+!. 'IGGI3!. ou said it was.

'IGGI3!. 3ot your part of it. I"ve piced up a girl.

+!. 'IGGI3!. )oes that mean that some girl has piced you up0

'IGGI3!. 3ot at all. I don"t mean a love a:air.

+!. 'IGGI3!. hat a pity<

'IGGI3!. hy0

+!. 'IGGI3!. ell# you never fall in love with anyone under

forty6%ve. hen will you discover that there are some rather

nice6looing young women about0

'IGGI3!. 2h# I can"t be bothered with young women. y idea of a

loveable woman is something as lie you as possible. I shall

never get into the way of seriously liing young women7 some

habits lie too deep to be changed. ,+ising abruptly and waling

about# >ingling his money and his eys in his trouser pocets-

4esides# they"re all idiots.

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+!. 'IGGI3!. )o you now what you would do if you really loved

me# 'enry0

'IGGI3!. 2h bother< hat0 arry# I suppose0

+!. 'IGGI3!. 3o. !top %dgeting and tae your hands out of your

pocets. ,ith a gesture of despair# he obeys and sits down

again-. That"s a good boy. 3ow tell me about the girl.

'IGGI3!. !he"s coming to see you.

+!. 'IGGI3!. I don"t remember asing her.

'IGGI3!. ou didn"t. I ased her. If you"d nown her you wouldn"t

have ased her.

+!. 'IGGI3!. Indeed< hy0

'IGGI3!. ell# it"s lie this. !he"s a common ;ower girl. I

piced her o: the erbstone.

+!. 'IGGI3!. And invited her to my at6home<

'IGGI3! ,rising and coming to her to coa$ her- 2h# that"ll be all

right. I"ve taught her to spea properly8 and she has strict

orders as to her behavior. !he"s to eep to two sub>ects7 the

weather and everybody"s health66/ine day and 'ow do you do# you

now66and not to let herself go on things in general. That will

be safe.

+!. 'IGGI3!. !afe< To tal about our health< about our insides<

perhaps about our outsides< 'ow could you be so silly# 'enry0

'IGGI3! ,impatiently- ell# she must tal about something. ,'e

controls himself and sits down again-. 2h# she"ll be all right7

don"t you fuss. Picering is in it with me. I"ve a sort of bet on

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that I"ll pass her o: as a duchess in si$ months. I started on

her some months ago8 and she"s getting on lie a house on %re. I

shall win my bet. !he has a &uic ear8 and she"s been easier to

teach than my middle6class pupils because she"s had to learn acomplete new language. !he tals (nglish almost as you tal

/rench.

+!. 'IGGI3!. That"s satisfactory# at all events.

'IGGI3!. ell# it is and it isn"t.

+!. 'IGGI3!. hat does that mean0

'IGGI3!. ou see# I"ve got her pronunciation all right8 but you

have to consider not only how a girl pronounces# but what she

pronounces8 and that"s where66

 They are interrupted by the parlor6maid# announcing guests.

 T'( PA+92+6AI). rs. and iss (ynsford 'ill. ,!he withdraws-.

'IGGI3!. 2h 9ord< ,'e rises8 snatches his hat from the table8 and

maes for the door8 but before he reaches it his mother

introduces him-.

rs. and iss (ynsford 'ill are the mother and daughter who

sheltered from the rain in Covent Garden. The mother is well

bred# &uiet# and has the habitual an$iety of straitened means.

 The daughter has ac&uired a gay air of being very much at home in

society7 the bravado of genteel poverty.

+!. (3!/2+) 'I99 ,to rs. 'iggins- 'ow do you do0 ,They shae

hands-.

I!! (3!/2+) 'I99. 'ow d"you do0 ,!he shaes-.

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+!. 'IGGI3! ,introducing- y son 'enry.

+!. (3!/2+) 'I99. our celebrated son< I have so longed to meet

you# Professor 'iggins.

'IGGI3! ,glumly# maing no movement in her direction- )elighted.

,'e bacs against the piano and bows brus&uely-.

iss (3!/2+) 'I99 ,going to him with con%dent familiarity- 'ow

do you do0

'IGGI3! ,staring at her- I"ve seen you before somewhere. I

haven"t the ghost of a notion where8 but I"ve heard your voice.

,)rearily- It doesn"t matter. ou"d better sit down.

+!. 'IGGI3!. I"m sorry to say that my celebrated son has no

manners. ou mustn"t mind him.

I!! (3!/2+) 'I99 ,gaily- I don"t. ,!he sits in the (li=abethan

chair-.

+!. (3!/2+) 'I99 ,a little bewildered- 3ot at all. ,!he sits on

the ottoman between her daughter and rs. 'iggins# who has turned

her chair away from the writing6table-.

'IGGI3!. 2h# have I been rude0 I didn"t mean to be. ,'e goes to

the central window# through which# with his bac to the company#

he contemplates the river and the ;owers in 4attersea Par on

the opposite ban as if they were a fro=en dessert.-

 The parlor6maid returns# ushering in Picering.

 T'( PA+92+6AI). Colonel Picering ,!he withdraws-.

PIC?(+I3G. 'ow do you do# rs. 'iggins0

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+!. 'IGGI3!. !o glad you"ve come. )o you now rs. (ynsford

'ill66iss (ynsford 'ill0 ,($change of bows. The Colonel brings

the Chippendale chair a little forward between rs. 'ill and rs.

'iggins# and sits down-.

PIC?(+I3G. 'as 'enry told you what we"ve come for0

'IGGI3! ,over his shoulder- e were interrupted7 damn it<

+!. 'IGGI3!. 2h 'enry# 'enry# really<

+!. (3!/2+) 'I99 ,half rising- Are we in the way0

+!. 'IGGI3! ,rising and maing her sit down again- 3o# no. ou

couldn"t have come more fortunately7 we want you to meet a friend

of ours.

'IGGI3! ,turning hopefully- es# by George< e want two or three

people. ou"ll do as well as anybody else.

 The parlor6maid returns# ushering /reddy.

 T'( PA+92+6AI). r. (ynsford 'ill.

'IGGI3! ,almost audibly# past endurance- God of 'eaven< another

of them.

/+()) ,shaing hands with rs. 'iggins- Ahdedo0

+!. 'IGGI3!. ery good of you to come. ,Introducing- Colonel

Picering.

/+()) ,bowing- Ahdedo0

+!. 'IGGI3!. I don"t thin you now my son# Professor 'iggins.

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/+()) ,going to 'iggins- Ahdedo0

'IGGI3! ,looing at him much as if he were a picpocet- I"ll

tae my oath I"ve met you before somewhere. here was it0

/+()). I don"t thin so.

'IGGI3! ,resignedly- It don"t matter# anyhow. !it down. 'e shaes

/reddy"s hand# and almost slings him on the ottoman with his face

to the windows8 then comes round to the other side of it.

'IGGI3!. ell# here we are# anyhow< ,'e sits down on the ottoman

ne$t rs. (ynsford 'ill# on her left.- And now# what the devil

are we going to tal about until (li=a comes0

+!. 'IGGI3!. 'enry7 you are the life and soul of the +oyal

!ociety"s soirees8 but really you"re rather trying on more

commonplace occasions.

'IGGI3!. Am I0 ery sorry. ,4eaming suddenly- I suppose I am# you

now. ,*proariously- 'a# ha<

I!! (3!/2+) 'I99 ,who considers 'iggins &uite eligible

matrimonially- I sympathi=e. I haven"t any small tal. If people

would only be fran and say what they really thin<

'IGGI3! ,relapsing into gloom- 9ord forbid<

+!. (3!/2+) 'I99 ,taing up her daughter"s cue- 4ut why0

'IGGI3!. hat they thin they ought to thin is bad enough# 9ord

nows8 but what they really thin would brea up the whole show.

)o you suppose it would be really agreeable if I were to come out

now with what I really thin0

I!! (3!/2+) 'I99 ,gaily- Is it so very cynical0

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'IGGI3!. Cynical< ho the dicens said it was cynical0 I mean it

wouldn"t be decent.

+!. (3!/2+) 'I99 ,seriously- 2h< I"m sure you don"t mean that#

r. 'iggins.

'IGGI3!. ou see# we"re all savages# more or less. e"re supposed

to be civili=ed and cultured66to now all about poetry and

philosophy and art and science# and so on8 but how many of us

now even the meanings of these names0 ,To iss 'ill- hat do you

now of poetry0 ,To rs. 'ill- hat do you now of science0

,Indicating /reddy- hat does he now of art or science or

anything else0 hat the devil do you imagine I now of 

philosophy0

+!. 'IGGI3! ,warningly- 2r of manners# 'enry0

 T'( PA+92+6AI) ,opening the door- iss )oolittle. ,!he

withdraws-.

'IGGI3! ,rising hastily and running to rs. 'iggins- 'ere she is#

mother. ,'e stands on tiptoe and maes signs over his mother"s

head to (li=a to indicate to her which lady is her hostess-.

(li=a# who is e$&uisitely dressed# produces an impression of such

remarable distinction and beauty as she enters that they all

rise# &uite ;ustered. Guided by 'iggins"s signals# she comes to

rs. 'iggins with studied grace.

9IHA ,speaing with pedantic correctness of pronunciation and

great beauty of tone- 'ow do you do# rs. 'iggins0 ,!he gasps

slightly in maing sure of the ' in 'iggins# but is &uite

successful-. r. 'iggins told me I might come.

+!. 'IGGI3! ,cordially- uite right7 I"m very glad indeed to see

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you.

PIC?(+I3G. 'ow do you do# iss )oolittle0

9IHA ,shaing hands with him- Colonel Picering# is it not0

+!. (3!/2+) 'I99. I feel sure we have met before# iss

)oolittle. I remember your eyes.

9IHA. 'ow do you do0 ,!he sits down on the ottoman gracefully in

the place >ust left vacant by 'iggins-.

+!. (3!/2+) 'I99 ,introducing- y daughter Clara.

9IHA. 'ow do you do0

C9A+A ,impulsively- 'ow do you do0 ,!he sits down on the ottoman

beside (li=a# devouring her with her eyes-.

/+()) ,coming to their side of the ottoman- I"ve certainly had

the pleasure.

+!. (3!/2+) 'I99 ,introducing- y son /reddy.

9IHA. 'ow do you do0

/reddy bows and sits down in the (li=abethan chair# infatuated.

'IGGI3! ,suddenly- 4y George# yes7 it all comes bac to me< ,They

stare at him-. Covent Garden< ,9amentably- hat a damned thing<

+!. 'IGGI3!. 'enry# please< ,'e is about to sit on the edge of 

the table-. )on"t sit on my writing6table7 you"ll brea it.

'IGGI3! ,sulily- !orry.

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'e goes to the divan# stumbling into the fender and over the

%re6irons on his way8 e$tricating himself with muttered

imprecations8 and %nishing his disastrous >ourney by throwing

himself so impatiently on the divan that he almost breas it.rs. 'iggins loos at him# but controls herself and says nothing.

A long and painful pause ensues.

+!. 'IGGI3! ,at last# conversationally- ill it rain# do you

thin0

9IHA. The shallow depression in the west of these islands is

liely to move slowly in an easterly direction. There are no

indications of any great change in the barometrical situation.

/+()). 'a< ha< how awfully funny<

9IHA. hat is wrong with that# young man0 I bet I got it right.

/+()). ?illing<

+!. (3!/2+) 'I99. I"m sure I hope it won"t turn cold. There"s

so much in;uen=a about. It runs right through our whole family

regularly every spring.

9IHA ,darly- y aunt died of in;uen=a7 so they said.

+!. (3!/2+) 'I99 ,clics her tongue sympathetically-<<<

9IHA ,in the same tragic tone- 4ut it"s my belief they done the

old woman in.

+!. 'IGGI3! ,pu==led- )one her in0

9IHA. 6e6e6e6es# 9ord love you< hy should she die of in;uen=a0

!he come through diphtheria right enough the year before. I saw

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her with my own eyes. /airly blue with it# she was. They all

thought she was dead8 but my father he ept ladling gin down her

throat til she came to so sudden that she bit the bowl o: the

spoon.

+!. (3!/2+) 'I99 ,startled- )ear me<

9IHA ,piling up the indictment- hat call would a woman with that

strength in her have to die of in;uen=a0 hat become of her new

straw hat that should have come to me0 !omebody pinched it8 and

what I say is# them as pinched it done her in.

+!. (3!/2+) 'I99. hat does doing her in mean0

'IGGI3! ,hastily- 2h# that"s the new small tal. To do a person

in means to ill them.

+!. (3!/2+) 'I99 ,to (li=a# horri%ed- ou surely don"t believe

that your aunt was illed0

9IHA. )o I not< Them she lived with would have illed her for a

hat6pin# let alone a hat.

+!. (3!/2+) 'I99. 4ut it can"t have been right for your father

to pour spirits down her throat lie that. It might have illed

her.

9IHA. 3ot her. Gin was mother"s mil to her. 4esides# he"d poured

so much down his own throat that he new the good of it.

+!. (3!/2+) 'I99. )o you mean that he dran0

9IHA. )ran< y word< !omething chronic.

+!. (3!/2+) 'I99. 'ow dreadful for you<

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9IHA. 3ot a bit. It never did him no harm what I could see. 4ut

then he did not eep it up regular. ,Cheerfully- 2n the burst# as

you might say# from time to time. And always more agreeable when

he had a drop in. hen he was out of wor# my mother used to givehim fourpence and tell him to go out and not come bac until he"d

drun himself cheerful and loving6lie. There"s lots of women has

to mae their husbands drun to mae them %t to live with. ,3ow

&uite at her ease- ou see# it"s lie this. If a man has a bit of 

a conscience# it always taes him when he"s sober8 and then it

maes him low6spirited. A drop of boo=e >ust taes that o: and

maes him happy. ,To /reddy# who is in convulsions of suppressed

laughter- 'ere< what are you sniggering at0

/+()). The new small tal. ou do it so awfully well.

9IHA. If I was doing it proper# what was you laughing at0 ,To

'iggins- 'ave I said anything I oughtn"t0

+!. 'IGGI3! ,interposing- 3ot at all# iss )oolittle.

9IHA. ell# that"s a mercy# anyhow. ,($pansively- hat I always

say is66

'IGGI3! ,rising and looing at his watch- Ahem<

9IHA ,looing round at him8 taing the hint8 and rising- ell7 I

must go. ,They all rise. /reddy goes to the door-. !o pleased to

have met you. Good6bye. ,!he shaes hands with rs. 'iggins-.

+!. 'IGGI3!. Good6bye.

9IHA. Good6bye# Colonel Picering.

PIC?(+I3G. Good6bye# iss )oolittle. ,They shae hands-.

9IHA ,nodding to the others- Good6bye# all.

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/+()) ,opening the door for her- Are you waling across the

Par# iss )oolittle0 If so66

9IHA. al< 3ot bloody liely. ,!ensation-. I am going in a ta$i.

,!he goes out-.

Picering gasps and sits down. /reddy goes out on the balcony to

catch another glimpse of (li=a.

+!. (3!/2+) 'I99 ,su:ering from shoc- ell# I really can"t

get used to the new ways.

C9A+A ,throwing herself discontentedly into the (li=abethan

chair-. 2h# it"s all right# mamma# &uite right. People will thin

we never go anywhere or see anybody if you are so old6fashioned.

+!. (3!/2+) 'I99. I daresay I am very old6fashioned8 but I do

hope you won"t begin using that e$pression# Clara. I have got

accustomed to hear you taling about men as rotters# and calling

everything %lthy and beastly8 though I do thin it horrible and

unladylie. 4ut this last is really too much. )on"t you thin so#

Colonel Picering0

PIC?(+I3G. )on"t as me. I"ve been away in India for several

years8 and manners have changed so much that I sometimes don"t

now whether I"m at a respectable dinner6table or in a ship"s

forecastle.

C9A+A. It"s all a matter of habit. There"s no right or wrong in

it. 3obody means anything by it. And it"s so &uaint# and gives

such a smart emphasis to things that are not in themselves very

witty. I %nd the new small tal delightful and &uite innocent.

+!. (3!/2+) 'I99 ,rising- ell# after that# I thin it"s time

for us to go.

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Picering and 'iggins rise.

C9A+A ,rising- 2h yes7 we have three at homes to go to still.Good6bye# rs. 'iggins. Good6bye# Colonel Picering. Good6bye#

Professor 'iggins.

'IGGI3! ,coming grimly at her from the divan# and accompanying

her to the door- Good6bye. 4e sure you try on that small tal at

the three at6homes. )on"t be nervous about it. Pitch it in

strong.

C9A+A ,all smiles- I will. Good6bye. !uch nonsense# all this

early ictorian prudery<

'IGGI3! ,tempting her- !uch damned nonsense<

C9A+A. !uch bloody nonsense<

+!. (3!/2+) 'I99 ,convulsively- Clara<

C9A+A. 'a< ha< ,!he goes out radiant# conscious of being

thoroughly up to date# and is heard descending the stairs in a

stream of silvery laughter-.

/+()) ,to the heavens at large- ell# I as you ,'e gives it up#

and comes to rs. 'iggins-. Good6bye.

+!. 'IGGI3! ,shaing hands- Good6bye. ould you lie to meet

iss )oolittle again0

/+()) ,eagerly- es# I should# most awfully.

+!. 'IGGI3!. ell# you now my days.

/+()). es. Thans awfully. Good6bye. ,'e goes out-.

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+!. (3!/2+) 'I99. Good6bye# r. 'iggins.

'IGGI3!. Good6bye. Good6bye.

+!. (3!/2+) 'I99 ,to Picering- It"s no use. I shall never be

able to bring myself to use that word.

PIC?(+I3G. )on"t. It"s not compulsory# you now. ou"ll get on

&uite well without it.

+!. (3!/2+) 'I99. 2nly# Clara is so down on me if I am not

positively reeing with the latest slang. Good6bye.

PIC?(+I3G. Good6bye ,They shae hands-.

+!. (3!/2+) 'I99 ,to rs. 'iggins- ou mustn"t mind Clara.

,Picering# catching from her lowered tone that this is not meant

for him to hear# discreetly >oins 'iggins at the window-. e"re

so poor< and she gets so few parties# poor child< !he doesn"t

&uite now. ,rs. 'iggins# seeing that her eyes are moist# taes

her hand sympathetically and goes with her to the door-. 4ut the

boy is nice. )on"t you thin so0

+!. 'IGGI3!. 2h# &uite nice. I shall always be delighted to see

him.

+!. (3!/2+) 'I99. Than you# dear. Good6bye. ,!he goes out-.

'IGGI3! ,eagerly- ell0 Is (li=a presentable ,he swoops on his

mother and drags her to the ottoman# where she sits down in

(li=a"s place with her son on her left-0

Picering returns to his chair on her right.

+!. 'IGGI3!. ou silly boy# of course she"s not presentable.

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!he"s a triumph of your art and of her dressmaer"s8 but if you

suppose for a moment that she doesn"t give herself away in every

sentence she utters# you must be perfectly craced about her.

PIC?(+I3G. 4ut don"t you thin something might be done0 I mean

something to eliminate the sanguinary element from her

conversation.

+!. 'IGGI3!. 3ot as long as she is in 'enry"s hands.

'IGGI3! ,aggrieved- )o you mean that my language is improper0

+!. 'IGGI3!. 3o# dearest7 it would be &uite proper66say on a

canal barge8 but it would not be proper for her at a garden

party.

'IGGI3! ,deeply in>ured- ell I must say66

PIC?(+I3G ,interrupting him- Come# 'iggins7 you must learn to

now yourself. I haven"t heard such language as yours since we

used to review the volunteers in 'yde Par twenty years ago.

'IGGI3! ,sulily- 2h# well# if you say so# I suppose I don"t

always tal lie a bishop.

+!. 'IGGI3! ,&uieting 'enry with a touch- Colonel Picering7

will you tell me what is the e$act state of things in impole

!treet0

PIC?(+I3G ,cheerfully7 as if this completely changed the sub>ect-

ell# I have come to live there with 'enry. e wor together at

my Indian )ialects8 and we thin it more convenient66

+!. 'IGGI3!. uite so. I now all about that7 it"s an e$cellent

arrangement. 4ut where does this girl live0

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'IGGI3!. ith us# of course. here would she live0

+!. 'IGGI3!. 4ut on what terms0 Is she a servant0 If not# what

is she0

PIC?(+I3G ,slowly- I thin I now what you mean# rs. 'iggins.

'IGGI3!. ell# dash me if I do< I"ve had to wor at the girl

every day for months to get her to her present pitch. 4esides#

she"s useful. !he nows where my things are# and remembers my

appointments and so forth.

+!. 'IGGI3!. 'ow does your houseeeper get on with her0

'IGGI3!. rs. Pearce0 2h# she"s >olly glad to get so much taen

o: her hands8 for before (li=a came# she had to have to %nd

things and remind me of my appointments. 4ut she"s got some silly

bee in her bonnet about (li=a. !he eeps saying @ou don"t thin#

sir@7 doesn"t she# Pic0

PIC?(+I3G. es7 that"s the formula. @ou don"t thin# sir.@

 That"s the end of every conversation about (li=a.

'IGGI3!. As if I ever stop thining about the girl and her

confounded vowels and consonants. I"m worn out# thining about

her# and watching her lips and her teeth and her tongue# not to

mention her soul# which is the &uaintest of the lot.

+!. 'IGGI3!. ou certainly are a pretty pair of babies# playing

with your live doll.

'IGGI3!. Playing< The hardest >ob I ever tacled7 mae no mistae

about that# mother. 4ut you have no idea how frightfully

interesting it is to tae a human being and change her into a

&uite di:erent human being by creating a new speech for her.

It"s %lling up the deepest gulf that separates class from class

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and soul from soul.

PIC?(+I3G ,drawing his chair closer to rs. 'iggins and bending

over to her eagerly- es7 it"s enormously interesting. I assureyou# rs. 'iggins# we tae (li=a very seriously. (very wee66

every day almost66there is some new change. ,Closer again- e

eep records of every stage66do=ens of gramophone diss and

photographs66

'IGGI3! ,assailing her at the other ear- es# by George7 it"s the

most absorbing e$periment I ever tacled. !he regularly %lls our

lives up8 doesn"t she# Pic0

PIC?(+I3G. e"re always taling (li=a.

'IGGI3!. Teaching (li=a.

PIC?(+I3G. )ressing (li=a.

+!. 'IGGI3!. hat<

'IGGI3!. Inventing new (li=as.

'iggins and Picering# speaing together7

'IGGI3!. ou now# she has the most e$traordinary &uicness of 

  ear7

PIC?(+I3G. I assure you# my dear rs. 'iggins# that girl

'IGGI3!. >ust lie a parrot. I"ve tried her with every

PIC?(+I3G. is a genius. !he can play the piano &uite

  beautifully

'IGGI3!. possible sort of sound that a human being can mae66

PIC?(+I3G. e have taen her to classical concerts and to music

'IGGI3!. Continental dialects# African dialects# 'ottentot

PIC?(+I3G. halls8 and it"s all the same to her7 she plays

  everything

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'IGGI3!. clics# things it too me years to get hold of8 and

PIC?(+I3G. she hears right o: when she comes home# whether it"s

'IGGI3!. she pics them up lie a shot# right away# as if she

  hadPIC?(+I3G. 4eethoven and 4rahms or 9ehar and 9ionel oricton8

'IGGI3!. been at it all her life.

PIC?(+I3G. though si$ months ago# she"d never as much as touched

  a piano.

+!. 'IGGI3! ,putting her %ngers in her ears# as they are by

this time shouting one another down with an intolerable noise-

!h66sh66sh66sh< ,They stop-.

PIC?(+I3G. I beg your pardon. ,'e draws his chair bac

apologetically-.

'IGGI3!. !orry. hen Picering starts shouting nobody can get a

word in edgeways.

+!. 'IGGI3!. 4e &uiet# 'enry. Colonel Picering7 don"t you

reali=e that when (li=a waled into impole !treet# something

waled in with her0

PIC?(+I3G. 'er father did. 4ut 'enry soon got rid of him.

+!. 'IGGI3!. It would have been more to the point if her mother

had. 4ut as her mother didn"t something else did.

PIC?(+I3G. 4ut what0

+!. 'IGGI3! ,unconsciously dating herself by the word- A

problem.

PIC?(+I3G. 2h# I see. The problem of how to pass her o: as a

lady.

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'IGGI3!. I"ll solve that problem. I"ve half solved it already.

+!. 'IGGI3!. 3o# you two in%nitely stupid male creatures7 the

problem of what is to be done with her afterwards.

'IGGI3!. I don"t see anything in that. !he can go her own way#

with all the advantages I have given her.

+!. 'IGGI3!. The advantages of that poor woman who was here >ust

now< The manners and habits that dis&ualify a %ne lady from

earning her own living without giving her a %ne lady"s income<

Is that what you mean0

PIC?(+I3G ,indulgently# being rather bored- 2h# that will be all

right# rs. 'iggins. ,'e rises to go-.

'IGGI3! ,rising also- e"ll %nd her some light employment.

PIC?(+I3G. !he"s happy enough. )on"t you worry about her. Good6

bye. ,'e shaes hands as if he were consoling a frightened child#

and maes for the door-.

'IGGI3!. Anyhow# there"s no good bothering now. The thing"s done.

Good6bye# mother. ,'e isses her# and follows Picering-.

PIC?(+I3G ,turning for a %nal consolation- There are plenty of 

openings. e"ll do what"s right. Good6bye.

'IGGI3! ,to Picering as they go out together- 9et"s tae her to

the !haespear e$hibition at (arls Court.

PIC?(+I3G. es7 let"s. 'er remars will be delicious.

'IGGI3!. !he"ll mimic all the people for us when we get home.

PIC?(+I3G. +ipping. ,4oth are heard laughing as they go

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downstairs-.

+!. 'IGGI3! ,rises with an impatient bounce# and returns to her

wor at the writing6table. !he sweeps a litter of disarrangedpapers out of her way8 snatches a sheet of paper from her

stationery case8 and tries resolutely to write. At the third line

she gives it up8 ;ings down her pen8 grips the table angrily and

e$claims- 2h# men< men<< men<<<

ACT I

 The impole !treet laboratory. idnight. 3obody in the room. The

cloc on the mantelpiece stries twelve. The %re is not alight7

it is a summer night.

Presently 'iggins and Picering are heard on the stairs.

'IGGI3! ,calling down to Picering- I say# Pic7 loc up# will

you. I shan"t be going out again.

PIC?(+I3G. +ight. Can rs. Pearce go to bed0 e don"t want

anything more# do we0

'IGGI3!. 9ord# no<

(li=a opens the door and is seen on the lighted landing in opera

cloa# brilliant evening dress# and diamonds# with fan# ;owers#

and all accessories. !he comes to the hearth# and switches on the

electric lights there. !he is tired7 her pallor contrasts

strongly with her dar eyes and hair8 and her e$pression is

almost tragic. !he taes o: her cloa8 puts her fan and ;owers

on the piano8 and sits down on the bench# brooding and silent.

'iggins# in evening dress# with overcoat and hat# comes in#

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carrying a smoing >acet which he has piced up downstairs. 'e

taes o: the hat and overcoat8 throws them carelessly on the

newspaper stand8 disposes of his coat in the same way8 puts on

the smoing >acet8 and throws himself wearily into theeasy6chair at the hearth. Picering# similarly attired# comes in.

'e also taes o: his hat and overcoat# and is about to throw

them on 'iggins"s when he hesitates.

PIC?(+I3G. I say7 rs. Pearce will row if we leave these things

lying about in the drawing6room.

'IGGI3!. 2h# chuc them over the bannisters into the hall. !he"ll

%nd them there in the morning and put them away all right.

!he"ll thin we were drun.

PIC?(+I3G. e are# slightly. Are there any letters0

'IGGI3!. I didn"t loo. ,Picering taes the overcoats and hats

and goes down stairs. 'iggins begins half singing half yawning an

air from 9a /anciulla del Golden est. !uddenly he stops and

e$claims- I wonder where the devil my slippers are<

(li=a loos at him darly8 then leaves the room.

'iggins yawns again# and resumes his song. Picering returns#

with the contents of the letter6bo$ in his hand.

PIC?(+I3G. 2nly circulars# and this coroneted billet6dou$ for

you. ,'e throws the circulars into the fender# and posts himself 

on the hearthrug# with his bac to the grate-.

'IGGI3! ,glancing at the billet6dou$- oney6lender. ,'e throws

the letter after the circulars-.

(li=a returns with a pair of large down6at6heel slippers. !he

places them on the carpet before 'iggins# and sits as before

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without a word.

'IGGI3! ,yawning again- 2h 9ord< hat an evening< hat a crew<

hat a silly tomfoollery< ,'e raises his shoe to unlace it# andcatches sight of the slippers. 'e stops unlacing and loos at

them as if they had appeared there of their own accord-. 2h<

they"re there# are they0

PIC?(+I3G ,stretching himself- ell# I feel a bit tired. It"s

been a long day. The garden party# a dinner party# and the opera<

+ather too much of a good thing. 4ut you"ve won your bet#

'iggins. (li=a did the tric# and something to spare# eh0

'IGGI3! ,fervently- Than God it"s over<

(li=a ;inches violently8 but they tae no notice of her8 and she

recovers herself and sits stonily as before.

PIC?(+I3G. ere you nervous at the garden party0 I was. (li=a

didn"t seem a bit nervous.

'IGGI3!. 2h# she wasn"t nervous. I new she"d be all right. 3o#

it"s the strain of putting the >ob through all these months that

has told on me. It was interesting enough at %rst# while we were

at the phonetics8 but after that I got deadly sic of it. If I

hadn"t baced myself to do it I should have chuced the whole

thing up two months ago. It was a silly notion7 the whole thing

has been a bore.

PIC?(+I3G. 2h come< the garden party was frightfully e$citing. y

heart began beating lie anything.

'IGGI3!. es# for the %rst three minutes. 4ut when I saw we were

going to win hands down# I felt lie a bear in a cage# hanging

about doing nothing. The dinner was worse7 sitting gorging there

for over an hour# with nobody but a damned fool of a fashionable

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woman to tal to< I tell you# Picering# never again for me. 3o

more arti%cial duchesses. The whole thing has been simple

purgatory.

PIC?(+I3G. ou"ve never been broen in properly to the social

routine. ,!trolling over to the piano- I rather en>oy dipping

into it occasionally myself7 it maes me feel young again.

Anyhow# it was a great success7 an immense success. I was &uite

frightened once or twice because (li=a was doing it so well. ou

see# lots of the real people can"t do it at all7 they"re such

fools that they thin style comes by nature to people in their

position8 and so they never learn. There"s always something

professional about doing a thing superlatively well.

'IGGI3!. es7 that"s what drives me mad7 the silly people don"t

now their own silly business. ,+ising- 'owever# it"s over and

done with8 and now I can go to bed at last without dreading

tomorrow.

(li=a"s beauty becomes murderous.

PIC?(+I3G. I thin I shall turn in too. !till# it"s been a great

occasion7 a triumph for you. Good6night. ,'e goes-.

'IGGI3! ,following him- Good6night. ,2ver his shoulder# at the

door- Put out the lights# (li=a8 and tell rs. Pearce not to mae

co:ee for me in the morning7 I"ll tae tea. ,'e goes out-.

(li=a tries to control herself and feel indi:erent as she rises

and wals across to the hearth to switch o: the lights. 4y the

time she gets there she is on the point of screaming. !he sits

down in 'iggins"s chair and holds on hard to the arms. /inally

she gives way and ;ings herself furiously on the ;oor raging.

'IGGI3! ,in despairing wrath outside- hat the devil have I done

with my slippers0 ,'e appears at the door-.

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9IHA ,snatching up the slippers# and hurling them at him one

after the other with all her force- There are your slippers. And

there. Tae your slippers8 and may you never have a day"s lucwith them<

'IGGI3! ,astounded- hat on earth66< ,'e comes to her-. hat"s

the matter0 Get up. ,'e pulls her up-. Anything wrong0

9IHA ,breathless- 3othing wrong66with 2*. I"ve won your bet for

you# haven"t I0 That"s enough for you. BIB don"t matter# I

suppose.

'IGGI3!. 2* won my bet< ou< Presumptuous insect< BIB won it.

hat did you throw those slippers at me for0

9IHA. 4ecause I wanted to smash your face. I"d lie to ill you#

you sel%sh brute. hy didn"t you leave me where you piced me

out of66in the gutter0 ou than God it"s all over# and that now

you can throw me bac again there# do you0 ,!he crisps her

%ngers# frantically-.

'IGGI3! ,looing at her in cool wonder- The creature I! nervous#

after all.

9IHA ,gives a su:ocated scream of fury# and instinctively darts

her nails at his face-<<

'IGGI3! ,catching her wrists- Ah< would you0 Claws in# you cat.

'ow dare you show your temper to me0 !it down and be &uiet. ,'e

throws her roughly into the easy6chair-.

9IHA ,crushed by superior strength and weight- hat"s to become

of me0 hat"s to become of me0

'IGGI3!. 'ow the devil do I now what"s to become of you0 hat

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does it matter what becomes of you0

9IHA. ou don"t care. I now you don"t care. ou wouldn"t care if 

I was dead. I"m nothing to you66not so much as them slippers.

'IGGI3! ,thundering- T'2!( slippers.

9IHA ,with bitter submission- Those slippers. I didn"t thin it

made any di:erence now.

A pause. (li=a hopeless and crushed. 'iggins a little uneasy.

'IGGI3! ,in his loftiest manner- hy have you begun going on lie

this0 ay I as whether you complain of your treatment here0

9IHA. 3o.

'IGGI3!. 'as anybody behaved badly to you0 Colonel Picering0

rs. Pearce0 Any of the servants0

9IHA. 3o.

'IGGI3!. I presume you don"t pretend that I have treated you

badly.

9IHA. 3o.

'IGGI3!. I am glad to hear it. ,'e moderates his tone-. Perhaps

you"re tired after the strain of the day. ill you have a glass

of champagne0 ,'e moves towards the door-.

9IHA. 3o. ,+ecollecting her manners- Than you.

'IGGI3! ,good6humored again- This has been coming on you for some

days. I suppose it was natural for you to be an$ious about the

garden party. 4ut that"s all over now. ,'e pats her indly on the

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shoulder. !he writhes-. There"s nothing more to worry about.

9IHA. 3o. 3othing more for you to worry about. ,!he suddenly

rises and gets away from him by going to the piano bench# whereshe sits and hides her face-. 2h God< I wish I was dead.

'IGGI3! ,staring after her in sincere surprise- hy0 in heaven"s

name# why0 ,+easonably# going to her- 9isten to me# (li=a. All

this irritation is purely sub>ective.

9IHA. I don"t understand. I"m too ignorant.

'IGGI3!. It"s only imagination. 9ow spirits and nothing else.

3obody"s hurting you. 3othing"s wrong. ou go to bed lie a good

girl and sleep it o:. 'ave a little cry and say your prayers7

that will mae you comfortable.

9IHA. I heard 2*+ prayers. @Than God it"s all over<@

'IGGI3! ,impatiently- ell# don"t you than God it"s all over0

3ow you are free and can do what you lie.

9IHA ,pulling herself together in desperation- hat am I %t for0

hat have you left me %t for0 here am I to go0 hat am I to do0

hat"s to become of me0

'IGGI3! ,enlightened# but not at all impressed- 2h# that"s what"s

worrying you# is it0 ,'e thrusts his hands into his pocets# and

wals about in his usual manner# rattling the contents of his

pocets# as if condescending to a trivial sub>ect out of pure

indness-. I shouldn"t bother about it if I were you. I should

imagine you won"t have much diJculty in settling yourself#

somewhere or other# though I hadn"t &uite reali=ed that you were

going away. ,!he loos &uicly at him7 he does not loo at her#

but e$amines the dessert stand on the piano and decides that he

will eat an apple-. ou might marry# you now. ,'e bites a large

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piece out of the apple# and munches it noisily-. ou see# (li=a#

all men are not con%rmed old bachelors lie me and the Colonel.

ost men are the marrying sort Mpoor devils<N8 and you"re not

bad6looing8 it"s &uite a pleasure to loo at you sometimes66notnow# of course# because you"re crying and looing as ugly as the

very devil8 but when you"re all right and &uite yourself# you"re

what I should call attractive. That is# to the people in the

marrying line# you understand. ou go to bed and have a good nice

rest8 and then get up and loo at yourself in the glass8 and you

won"t feel so cheap.

(li=a again loos at him# speechless# and does not stir.

 The loo is &uite lost on him7 he eats his apple with a dreamy

e$pression of happiness# as it is &uite a good one.

'IGGI3! ,a genial afterthought occurring to him- I daresay my

mother could %nd some chap or other who would do very well66

9IHA. e were above that at the corner of Tottenham Court +oad.

'IGGI3! ,waing up- hat do you mean0

9IHA. I sold ;owers. I didn"t sell myself. 3ow you"ve made a

lady of me I"m not %t to sell anything else. I wish you"d left

me where you found me.

'IGGI3! ,slinging the core of the apple decisively into the

grate- Tosh# (li=a. )on"t you insult human relations by dragging

all this cant about buying and selling into it. ou needn"t marry

the fellow if you don"t lie him.

9IHA. hat else am I to do0

'IGGI3!. 2h# lots of things. hat about your old idea of a

;orist"s shop0 Picering could set you up in one7 he"s lots of 

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money. ,Chucling- 'e"ll have to pay for all those togs you have

been wearing today8 and that# with the hire of the >ewellery#

will mae a big hole in two hundred pounds. hy# si$ months ago

you would have thought it the millennium to have a ;ower shop of your own. Come< you"ll be all right. I must clear o: to bed7 I"m

devilish sleepy. 4y the way# I came down for something7 I forget

what it was.

9IHA. our slippers.

'IGGI3!. 2h yes# of course. ou shied them at me. ,'e pics them

up# and is going out when she rises and speas to him-.

9IHA. 4efore you go# sir66

'IGGI3! ,dropping the slippers in his surprise at her calling him

sir- (h0

9IHA. )o my clothes belong to me or to Colonel Picering0

'IGGI3! ,coming bac into the room as if her &uestion were the

very clima$ of unreason- hat the devil use would they be to

Picering0

9IHA. 'e might want them for the ne$t girl you pic up to

e$periment on.

'IGGI3! ,shoced and hurt- Is T'AT the way you feel towards us0

9IHA. I don"t want to hear anything more about that. All I want

to now is whether anything belongs to me. y own clothes were

burnt.

'IGGI3!. 4ut what does it matter0 hy need you start bothering

about that in the middle of the night0

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9IHA. I want to now what I may tae away with me. I don"t want

to be accused of stealing.

'IGGI3! ,now deeply wounded- !tealing< ou shouldn"t have saidthat# (li=a. That shows a want of feeling.

9IHA. I"m sorry. I"m only a common ignorant girl8 and in my

station I have to be careful. There can"t be any feelings between

the lie of you and the lie of me. Please will you tell me what

belongs to me and what doesn"t0

'IGGI3! ,very suly- ou may tae the whole damned houseful if 

you lie. ($cept the >ewels. They"re hired. ill that satisfy

you0 ,'e turns on his heel and is about to go in e$treme

dudgeon-.

9IHA ,drining in his emotion lie nectar# and nagging him to

provoe a further supply- !top# please. ,!he taes o: her

 >ewels-. ill you tae these to your room and eep them safe0 I

don"t want to run the ris of their being missing.

'IGGI3! ,furious- 'and them over. ,!he puts them into his hands-.

If these belonged to me instead of to the >eweler# I"d ram them

down your ungrateful throat. ,'e perfunctorily thrusts them into

his pocets# unconsciously decorating himself with the protruding

ends of the chains-.

9IHA ,taing a ring o:- This ring isn"t the >eweler"s7 it"s the

one you bought me in 4righton. I don"t want it now. ,'iggins

dashes the ring violently into the %replace# and turns on her so

threateningly that she crouches over the piano with her hands

over her face# and e$claims- )on"t you hit me.

'IGGI3!. 'it you< ou infamous creature# how dare you accuse me

of such a thing0 It is you who have hit me. ou have wounded me

to the heart.

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9IHA ,thrilling with hidden >oy- I"m glad. I"ve got a little of 

my own bac# anyhow.

'IGGI3! ,with dignity# in his %nest professional style- ou have

caused me to lose my temper7 a thing that has hardly ever happened

to me before. I prefer to say nothing more tonight. I am going to

bed.

9IHA ,pertly- ou"d better leave a note for rs. Pearce about the

co:ee8 for she won"t be told by me.

'IGGI3! ,formally- )amn rs. Pearce8 and damn the co:ee8 and

damn you8 and damn my own folly in having lavished hard6earned

nowledge and the treasure of my regard and intimacy on a

heartless guttersnipe. ,'e goes out with impressive decorum# and

spoils it by slamming the door savagely-.

(li=a smiles for the %rst time8 e$presses her feelings by a wild

pantomime in which an imitation of 'iggins"s e$it is confused

with her own triumph8 and %nally goes down on her nees on the

hearthrug to loo for the ring.

ACT

rs. 'iggins"s drawing6room. !he is at her writing6table as

before. The parlor6maid comes in.

 T'( PA+92+6AI) ,at the door- r. 'enry# mam# is downstairs with

Colonel Picering.

+!. 'IGGI3!. ell# show them up.

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 T'( PA+92+6AI). They"re using the telephone# mam. Telephoning to

the police# I thin.

+!. 'IGGI3!. hat<

 T'( PA+92+6AI) ,coming further in and lowering her voice- r.

'enry"s in a state# mam. I thought I"d better tell you.

+!. 'IGGI3!. If you had told me that r. 'enry was not in a

state it would have been more surprising. Tell them to come up

when they"ve %nished with the police. I suppose he"s lost

something.

 T'( PA+92+6AI). es# mam ,going-.

+!. 'IGGI3!. Go upstairs and tell iss )oolittle that r. 'enry

and the Colonel are here. As her not to come down till I send

for her.

 T'( PA+92+6AI). es# mam.

'iggins bursts in. 'e is# as the parlor6maid has said# in a

state.

'IGGI3!. 9oo here# mother7 here"s a confounded thing<

+!. 'IGGI3!. es# dear. Good6morning. ,'e checs his impatience

and isses her# whilst the parlor6maid goes out-. hat is it0

'IGGI3!. (li=a"s bolted.

+!. 'IGGI3! ,calmly continuing her writing- ou must have

frightened her.

'IGGI3!. /rightened her< nonsense< !he was left last night# as

usual# to turn out the lights and all that8 and instead of going

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to bed she changed her clothes and went right o:7 her bed wasn"t

slept in. !he came in a cab for her things before seven this

morning8 and that fool rs. Pearce let her have them without

telling me a word about it. hat am I to do0

+!. 'IGGI3!. )o without# I"m afraid# 'enry. The girl has a

perfect right to leave if she chooses.

'IGGI3! ,wandering distractedly across the room- 4ut I can"t %nd

anything. I don"t now what appointments I"ve got. I"m66

,Picering comes in. rs. 'iggins puts down her pen and turns

away from the writing6table-.

PIC?(+I3G ,shaing hands- Good6morning# rs. 'iggins. 'as 'enry

told you0 ,'e sits down on the ottoman-.

'IGGI3!. hat does that ass of an inspector say0 'ave you o:ered

a reward0

+!. 'IGGI3! ,rising in indignant ama=ement- ou don"t mean to

say you have set the police after (li=a0

'IGGI3!. 2f course. hat are the police for0 hat else could we

do0 ,'e sits in the (li=abethan chair-.

PIC?(+I3G. The inspector made a lot of diJculties. I really

thin he suspected us of some improper purpose.

+!. 'IGGI3!. ell# of course he did. hat right have you to go

to the police and give the girl"s name as if she were a thief# or

a lost umbrella# or something0 +eally< ,!he sits down again#

deeply ve$ed-.

'IGGI3!. 4ut we want to %nd her.

PIC?(+I3G. e can"t let her go lie this# you now# rs. 'iggins.

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hat were we to do0

+!. 'IGGI3!. ou have no more sense# either of you# than two

children. hy66

 The parlor6maid comes in and breas o: the conversation.

 T'( PA+92+6AI). r. 'enry7 a gentleman wants to see you very

particular. 'e"s been sent on from impole !treet.

'IGGI3!. 2h# bother< I can"t see anyone now. ho is it0

 T'( PA+92+6AI). A r. )oolittle# !ir.

PIC?(+I3G. )oolittle< )o you mean the dustman0

 T'( PA+92+6AI). )ustman< 2h no# sir7 a gentleman.

'IGGI3! ,springing up e$citedly- 4y George# Pic# it"s some

relative of hers that she"s gone to. !omebody we now nothing

about. ,To the parlor6maid- !end him up# &uic.

 T'( PA+92+6AI). es# !ir. ,!he goes-.

'IGGI3! ,eagerly# going to his mother- Genteel relatives< now we

shall hear something. ,'e sits down in the Chippendale chair-.

+!. 'IGGI3!. )o you now any of her people0

PIC?(+I3G. 2nly her father7 the fellow we told you about.

 T'( PA+92+6AI) ,announcing- r. )oolittle. ,!he withdraws-.

)oolittle enters. 'e is brilliantly dressed in a new fashionable

froc6coat# with white waistcoat and grey trousers. A ;ower in

his buttonhole# a da==ling sil hat# and patent leather shoes

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complete the e:ect. 'e is too concerned with the business he has

come on to notice rs. 'iggins. 'e wals straight to 'iggins# and

accosts him with vehement reproach.

)229ITT9( ,indicating his own person- !ee here< )o you see this0

 ou done this.

'IGGI3!. )one what# man0

)229ITT9(. This# I tell you. 9oo at it. 9oo at this hat. 9oo

at this coat.

PIC?(+I3G. 'as (li=a been buying you clothes0

)229ITT9(. (li=a< not she. 3ot half. hy would she buy me

clothes0

+!. 'IGGI3!. Good6morning# r. )oolittle. on"t you sit down0

)229ITT9( ,taen abac as he becomes conscious that he has

forgotten his hostess- Asing your pardon# ma"am. ,'e approaches

her and shaes her pro:ered hand-. Than you. ,'e sits down on

the ottoman# on Picering"s right-. I am that full of what has

happened to me that I can"t thin of anything else.

'IGGI3!. hat the dicens has happened to you0

)229ITT9(. I shouldn"t mind if it had only happened to me7

anything might happen to anybody and nobody to blame but

Providence# as you might say. 4ut this is something that you done

to me7 yes# you# 'enry 'iggins.

'IGGI3!. 'ave you found (li=a0 That"s the point.

)229ITT9(. 'ave you lost her0

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'IGGI3!. es.

)229ITT9(. ou have all the luc# you have. I ain"t found her8

but she"ll %nd me &uic enough now after what you done to me.

+!. 'IGGI3!. 4ut what has my son done to you# r. )oolittle0

)229ITT9(. )one to me< +uined me. )estroyed my happiness. Tied me

up and delivered me into the hands of middle class morality.

'IGGI3! ,rising intolerantly and standing over )oolittle- ou"re

raving. ou"re drun. ou"re mad. I gave you %ve pounds. After

that I had two conversations with you# at half6a6crown an hour.

I"ve never seen you since.

)229ITT9(. 2h< )run< am I0 ad< am I0 Tell me this. )id you or

did you not write a letter to an old blighter in America that was

giving %ve millions to found oral +eform !ocieties all over the

world# and that wanted you to invent a universal language for

him0

'IGGI3!. hat< (=ra ). annafeller< 'e"s dead. ,'e sits down

again carelessly-.

)229ITT9(. es7 he"s dead8 and I"m done for. 3ow did you or did

you not write a letter to him to say that the most original

moralist at present in (ngland# to the best of your nowledge#

was Alfred )oolittle# a common dustman.

'IGGI3!. 2h# after your last visit I remember maing some silly

 >oe of the ind.

)229ITT9(. Ah< you may well call it a silly >oe. It put the lid

on me right enough. Kust give him the chance he wanted to show

that Americans is not lie us7 that they recogni=e and respect

merit in every class of life# however humble. Them words is in

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his blooming will# in which# 'enry 'iggins# thans to your silly

 >oing# he leaves me a share in his Pre6digested Cheese Trust

worth three thousand a year on condition that I lecture for his

annafeller oral +eform orld 9eague as often as they as me upto si$ times a year.

'IGGI3!. The devil he does< hew< ,4rightening suddenly- hat a

lar<

PIC?(+I3G. A safe thing for you# )oolittle. They won"t as you

twice.

)229ITT9(. It ain"t the lecturing I mind. I"ll lecture them blue

in the face# I will# and not turn a hair. It"s maing a gentleman

of me that I ob>ect to. ho ased him to mae a gentleman of me0

I was happy. I was free. I touched pretty nigh everybody for

money when I wanted it# same as I touched you# 'enry 'iggins. 3ow

I am worrited8 tied nec and heels8 and everybody touches me for

money. It"s a %ne thing for you# says my solicitor. Is it0 says

I. ou mean it"s a good thing for you# I says. hen I was a poor

man and had a solicitor once when they found a pram in the dust

cart# he got me o:# and got shut of me and got me shut of him as

&uic as he could. !ame with the doctors7 used to shove me out of 

the hospital before I could hardly stand on my legs# and nothing

to pay. 3ow they %nds out that I"m not a healthy man and can"t

live unless they loos after me twice a day. In the house I"m not

let do a hand"s turn for myself7 somebody else must do it and

touch me for it. A year ago I hadn"t a relative in the world

e$cept two or three that wouldn"t spea to me. 3ow I"ve %fty# and

not a decent wee"s wages among the lot of them. I have to live

for others and not for myself7 that"s middle class morality. ou

tal of losing (li=a. )on"t you be an$ious7 I bet she"s on my

doorstep by this7 she that could support herself easy by selling

;owers if I wasn"t respectable. And the ne$t one to touch me

will be you# 'enry 'iggins. I"ll have to learn to spea middle

class language from you# instead of speaing proper (nglish.

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 That"s where you"ll come in8 and I daresay that"s what you done

it for.

+!. 'IGGI3!. 4ut# my dear r. )oolittle# you need not su:er allthis if you are really in earnest. 3obody can force you to accept

this be&uest. ou can repudiate it. Isn"t that so# Colonel

Picering0

PIC?(+I3G. I believe so.

)229ITT9( ,softening his manner in deference to her se$- That"s

the tragedy of it# ma"am. It"s easy to say chuc it8 but I

haven"t the nerve. hich one of us has0 e"re all intimidated.

Intimidated# ma"am7 that"s what we are. hat is there for me if I

chuc it but the worhouse in my old age0 I have to dye my hair

already to eep my >ob as a dustman. If I was one of the

deserving poor# and had put by a bit# I could chuc it8 but then

why should I# acause the deserving poor might as well be

millionaires for all the happiness they ever has. They don"t now

what happiness is. 4ut I# as one of the undeserving poor# have

nothing between me and the pauper"s uniform but this here blasted

three thousand a year that shoves me into the middle class.

M($cuse the e$pression# ma"am7 you"d use it yourself if you had

my provocationN. They"ve got you every way you turn7 it"s a

choice between the !illy of the worhouse and the Char 4ydis of 

the middle class8 and I haven"t the nerve for the worhouse.

Intimidated7 that"s what I am. 4roe. 4ought up. 'appier men than

me will call for my dust# and touch me for their tip8 and I"ll

loo on helpless# and envy them. And that"s what your son has

brought me to. ,'e is overcome by emotion-.

+!. 'IGGI3!. ell# I"m very glad you"re not going to do anything

foolish# r. )oolittle. /or this solves the problem of (li=a"s

future. ou can provide for her now.

)229ITT9( ,with melancholy resignation- es# ma"am8 I"m e$pected

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to provide for everyone now# out of three thousand a year.

'IGGI3! ,>umping up- 3onsense< he can"t provide for her. 'e

shan"t provide for her. !he doesn"t belong to him. I paid him%ve pounds for her. )oolittle7 either you"re an honest man or a

rogue.

)229ITT9( ,tolerantly- A little of both# 'enry# lie the rest of 

us7 a little of both.

'IGGI3!. ell# you too that money for the girl8 and you have no

right to tae her as well.

+!. 'IGGI3!. 'enry7 don"t be absurd. If you really want to now

where (li=a is# she is upstairs.

'IGGI3! ,ama=ed- *pstairs<<< Then I shall >olly soon fetch her

downstairs. ,'e maes resolutely for the door-.

+!. 'IGGI3! ,rising and following him- 4e &uiet# 'enry. !it

down.

'IGGI3!. I66

+!. 'IGGI3!. !it down# dear8 and listen to me.

'IGGI3!. 2h very well# very well# very well. ,'e throws himself 

ungraciously on the ottoman# with his face towards the windows-.

4ut I thin you might have told me this half an hour ago.

+!. 'IGGI3!. (li=a came to me this morning. !he passed the night

partly waling about in a rage# partly trying to throw herself 

into the river and being afraid to# and partly in the Carlton

'otel. !he told me of the brutal way you two treated her.

'IGGI3! ,bounding up again- hat<

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PIC?(+I3G ,rising also- y dear rs. 'iggins# she"s been telling

you stories. e didn"t treat her brutally. e hardly said a word

to her8 and we parted on particularly good terms. ,Turning on'iggins-. 'iggins did you bully her after I went to bed0

'IGGI3!. Kust the other way about. !he threw my slippers in my

face. !he behaved in the most outrageous way. I never gave her

the slightest provocation. The slippers came bang into my face

the moment I entered the room66before I had uttered a word. And

used perfectly awful language.

PIC?(+I3G ,astonished- 4ut why0 hat did we do to her0

+!. 'IGGI3!. I thin I now pretty well what you did. The girl

is naturally rather a:ectionate# I thin. Isn"t she# r.

)oolittle0

)229ITT9(. ery tender6hearted# ma"am. Taes after me.

+!. 'IGGI3!. Kust so. !he had become attached to you both. !he

wored very hard for you# 'enry< I don"t thin you &uite reali=e

what anything in the nature of brain wor means to a girl lie

that. ell# it seems that when the great day of trial came# and

she did this wonderful thing for you without maing a single

mistae# you two sat there and never said a word to her# but

taled together of how glad you were that it was all over and how

you had been bored with the whole thing. And then you were

surprised because she threw your slippers at you< BIB should have

thrown the %re6irons at you.

'IGGI3!. e said nothing e$cept that we were tired and wanted to

go to bed. )id we# Pic0

PIC?(+I3G ,shrugging his shoulders- That was all.

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+!. 'IGGI3! ,ironically- uite sure0

PIC?(+I3G. Absolutely. +eally# that was all.

+!. 'IGGI3!. ou didn"t than her# or pet her# or admire her# or

tell her how splendid she"d been.

'IGGI3! ,impatiently- 4ut she new all about that. e didn"t mae

speeches to her# if that"s what you mean.

PIC?(+I3G ,conscience stricen- Perhaps we were a little

inconsiderate. Is she very angry0

+!. 'IGGI3! ,returning to her place at the writing6table- ell#

I"m afraid she won"t go bac to impole !treet# especially now

that r. )oolittle is able to eep up the position you have

thrust on her8 but she says she is &uite willing to meet you on

friendly terms and to let bygones be bygones.

'IGGI3! ,furious- Is she# by George0 'o<

+!. 'IGGI3!. If you promise to behave yourself# 'enry# I"ll as

her to come down. If not# go home8 for you have taen up &uite

enough of my time.

'IGGI3!. 2h# all right. ery well. Pic7 you behave yourself. 9et

us put on our best !unday manners for this creature that we

piced out of the mud. ,'e ;ings himself sulily into the

(li=abethan chair-.

)229ITT9( ,remonstrating- 3ow# now# 'enry 'iggins< have some

consideration for my feelings as a middle class man.

+!. 'IGGI3!. +emember your promise# 'enry. ,!he presses the

bell6button on the writing6table-. r. )oolittle7 will you be so

good as to step out on the balcony for a moment. I don"t want

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(li=a to have the shoc of your news until she has made it up

with these two gentlemen. ould you mind0

)229ITT9(. As you wish# lady. Anything to help 'enry to eep hero: my hands. ,'e disappears through the window-.

 The parlor6maid answers the bell. Picering sits down in

)oolittle"s place.

+!. 'IGGI3!. As iss )oolittle to come down# please.

 T'( PA+92+6AI). es# mam. ,!he goes out-.

+!. 'IGGI3!. 3ow# 'enry7 be good.

'IGGI3!. I am behaving myself perfectly.

PIC?(+I3G. 'e is doing his best# rs. 'iggins.

A pause. 'iggins throws bac his head8 stretches out his legs8

and begins to whistle.

+!. 'IGGI3!. 'enry# dearest# you don"t loo at all nice in that

attitude.

'IGGI3! ,pulling himself together- I was not trying to loo nice#

mother.

+!. 'IGGI3!. It doesn"t matter# dear. I only wanted to mae you

spea.

'IGGI3!. hy0

+!. 'IGGI3!. 4ecause you can"t spea and whistle at the same

time.

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'iggins groans. Another very trying pause.

'IGGI3! ,springing up# out of patience- here the devil is that

girl0 Are we to wait here all day0

(li=a enters# sunny# self6possessed# and giving a staggeringly

convincing e$hibition of ease of manner. !he carries a little

wor6baset# and is very much at home. Picering is too much

taen abac to rise.

9IHA. 'ow do you do# Professor 'iggins0 Are you &uite well0

'IGGI3! ,choing- Am I66 ,'e can say no more-.

9IHA. 4ut of course you are7 you are never ill. !o glad to see

you again# Colonel Picering. ,'e rises hastily8 and they shae

hands-. uite chilly this morning# isn"t it0 ,!he sits down on

his left. 'e sits beside her-.

'IGGI3!. )on"t you dare try this game on me. I taught it to you8

and it doesn"t tae me in. Get up and come home8 and don"t be a

fool.

(li=a taes a piece of needlewor from her baset# and begins to

stitch at it# without taing the least notice of this outburst.

+!. 'IGGI3!. ery nicely put# indeed# 'enry. 3o woman could

resist such an invitation.

'IGGI3!. ou let her alone# mother. 9et her spea for herself.

 ou will >olly soon see whether she has an idea that I haven"t

put into her head or a word that I haven"t put into her mouth. I

tell you I have created this thing out of the s&uashed cabbage

leaves of Covent Garden8 and now she pretends to play the %ne

lady with me.

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+!. 'IGGI3! ,placidly- es# dear8 but you"ll sit down# won"t

you0

'iggins sits down again# savagely.

9IHA ,to Picering# taing no apparent notice of 'iggins# and

woring away deftly- ill you drop me altogether now that the

e$periment is over# Colonel Picering0

PIC?(+I3G. 2h don"t. ou mustn"t thin of it as an e$periment. It

shocs me# somehow.

9IHA. 2h# I"m only a s&uashed cabbage leaf.

PIC?(+I3G ,impulsively- 3o.

9IHA ,continuing &uietly-66but I owe so much to you that I should

be very unhappy if you forgot me.

PIC?(+I3G. It"s very ind of you to say so# iss )oolittle.

9IHA. It"s not because you paid for my dresses. I now you are

generous to everybody with money. 4ut it was from you that I

learnt really nice manners8 and that is what maes one a lady#

isn"t it0 ou see it was so very diJcult for me with the

e$ample of Professor 'iggins always before me. I was brought up

to be >ust lie him# unable to control myself# and using bad

language on the slightest provocation. And I should never have

nown that ladies and gentlemen didn"t behave lie that if you

hadn"t been there.

'IGGI3!. ell<<

PIC?(+I3G. 2h# that"s only his way# you now. 'e doesn"t mean it.

9IHA. 2h# I didn"t mean it either# when I was a ;ower girl. It

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was only my way. 4ut you see I did it8 and that"s what maes the

di:erence after all.

PIC?(+I3G. 3o doubt. !till# he taught you to spea8 and Icouldn"t have done that# you now.

9IHA ,trivially- 2f course7 that is his profession.

'IGGI3!. )amnation<

9IHA ,continuing- It was >ust lie learning to dance in the

fashionable way7 there was nothing more than that in it. 4ut do

you now what began my real education0

PIC?(+I3G. hat0

9IHA ,stopping her wor for a moment- our calling me iss

)oolittle that day when I %rst came to impole !treet. That was

the beginning of self6respect for me. ,!he resumes her

stitching-. And there were a hundred little things you never

noticed# because they came naturally to you. Things about

standing up and taing o: your hat and opening doors66

PIC?(+I3G. 2h# that was nothing.

9IHA. es7 things that showed you thought and felt about me as if 

I were something better than a scullerymaid8 though of course I

now you would have been >ust the same to a scullery6maid if she

had been let in the drawing6room. ou never too o: your boots

in the dining room when I was there.

PIC?(+I3G. ou mustn"t mind that. 'iggins taes o: his boots all

over the place.

9IHA. I now. I am not blaming him. It is his way# isn"t it0 4ut

it made such a di:erence to me that you didn"t do it. ou see#

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really and truly# apart from the things anyone can pic up Mthe

dressing and the proper way of speaing# and so onN# the

di:erence between a lady and a ;ower girl is not how she

behaves# but how she"s treated. I shall always be a ;ower girlto Professor 'iggins# because he always treats me as a ;ower

girl# and always will8 but I now I can be a lady to you# because

you always treat me as a lady# and always will.

+!. 'IGGI3!. Please don"t grind your teeth# 'enry.

PIC?(+I3G. ell# this is really very nice of you# iss )oolittle.

9IHA. I should lie you to call me (li=a# now# if you would.

PIC?(+I3G. Than you. (li=a# of course.

9IHA. And I should lie Professor 'iggins to call me iss

)oolittle.

'IGGI3!. I"ll see you damned %rst.

+!. 'IGGI3!. 'enry< 'enry<

PIC?(+I3G ,laughing- hy don"t you slang bac at him0 )on"t stand

it. It would do him a lot of good.

9IHA. I can"t. I could have done it once8 but now I can"t go bac

to it. 9ast night# when I was wandering about# a girl spoe to

me8 and I tried to get bac into the old way with her8 but it was

no use. ou told me# you now# that when a child is brought to a

foreign country# it pics up the language in a few wees# and

forgets its own. ell# I am a child in your country. I have

forgotten my own language# and can spea nothing but yours.

 That"s the real brea6o: with the corner of Tottenham Court

+oad. 9eaving impole !treet %nishes it.

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PIC?(+I3G ,much alarmed- 2h< but you"re coming bac to impole

!treet# aren"t you0 ou"ll forgive 'iggins0

'IGGI3! ,rising- /orgive< ill she# by George< 9et her go. 9ether %nd out how she can get on without us. !he will relapse into

the gutter in three wees without me at her elbow.

)oolittle appears at the centre window. ith a loo of digni%ed

reproach at 'iggins# he comes slowly and silently to his

daughter# who# with her bac to the window# is unconscious of his

approach.

PIC?(+I3G. 'e"s incorrigible# (li=a. ou won"t relapse# will you0

9IHA. 3o7 3ot now. 3ever again. I have learnt my lesson. I don"t

believe I could utter one of the old sounds if I tried.

,)oolittle touches her on her left shoulder. !he drops her wor#

losing her self6possession utterly at the spectacle of her

father"s splendor- A66a66a66a66a66ah66ow66ooh<

'IGGI3! ,with a crow of triumph- Aha< Kust so. A66a66a66a66

ahowooh< A66a66a66a66ahowooh < A66a66a66a66ahowooh< ictory<

ictory< ,'e throws himself on the divan# folding his arms# and

spraddling arrogantly-.

)229ITT9(. Can you blame the girl0 )on"t loo at me lie that#

(li=a. It ain"t my fault. I"ve come into money.

9IHA. ou must have touched a millionaire this time# dad.

)229ITT9(. I have. 4ut I"m dressed something special today. I"m

going to !t. George"s# 'anover !&uare. our stepmother is going

to marry me.

9IHA ,angrily- ou"re going to let yourself down to marry that

low common woman<

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PIC?(+I3G ,&uietly- 'e ought to# (li=a. ,To )oolittle- hy has

she changed her mind0

)229ITT9( ,sadly- Intimidated# Governor. Intimidated. iddle

class morality claims its victim. on"t you put on your hat#

9i=a# and come and see me turned o:0

9IHA. If the Colonel says I must# I66I"ll ,almost sobbing- I"ll

demean myself. And get insulted for my pains# lie enough.

)229ITT9(. )on"t be afraid7 she never comes to words with anyone

now# poor woman< respectability has broe all the spirit out of 

her.

PIC?(+I3G ,s&uee=ing (li=a"s elbow gently- 4e ind to them#

(li=a. ae the best of it.

9IHA ,forcing a little smile for him through her ve$ation- 2h

well# >ust to show there"s no ill feeling. I"ll be bac in a

moment. ,!he goes out-.

)229ITT9( ,sitting down beside Picering- I feel uncommon nervous

about the ceremony# Colonel. I wish you"d come and see me through

it.

PIC?(+I3G. 4ut you"ve been through it before# man. ou were

married to (li=a"s mother.

)229ITT9(. ho told you that# Colonel0

PIC?(+I3G. ell# nobody told me. 4ut I concluded naturally66

)229ITT9(. 3o7 that ain"t the natural way# Colonel7 it"s only the

middle class way. y way was always the undeserving way. 4ut

don"t say nothing to (li=a. !he don"t now7 I always had a

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delicacy about telling her.

PIC?(+I3G. uite right. e"ll leave it so# if you don"t mind.

)229ITT9(. And you"ll come to the church# Colonel# and put me

through straight0

PIC?(+I3G. ith pleasure. As far as a bachelor can.

+!. 'IGGI3!. ay I come# r. )oolittle0 I should be very sorry

to miss your wedding.

)229ITT9(. I should indeed be honored by your condescension#

ma"am8 and my poor old woman would tae it as a tremen>ous

compliment. !he"s been very low# thining of the happy days that

are no more.

+!. 'IGGI3! ,rising- I"ll order the carriage and get ready. ,The

men rise# e$cept 'iggins-. I shan"t be more than %fteen minutes.

,As she goes to the door (li=a comes in# hatted and buttoning her

gloves-. I"m going to the church to see your father married#

(li=a. ou had better come in the brougham with me. Colonel

Picering can go on with the bridegroom.

rs. 'iggins goes out. (li=a comes to the middle of the room

between the centre window and the ottoman. Picering >oins her.

)229ITT9(. 4ridegroom< hat a word< It maes a man reali=e his

position# somehow. ,'e taes up his hat and goes towards the

door-.

PIC?(+I3G. 4efore I go# (li=a# do forgive him and come bac to

us.

9IHA. I don"t thin papa would allow me. ould you# dad0

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)229ITT9( ,sad but magnanimous- They played you o: very cunning#

(li=a# them two sportsmen. If it had been only one of them# you

could have nailed him. 4ut you see# there was two8 and one of 

them chaperoned the other# as you might say. ,To Picering- Itwas artful of you# Colonel8 but I bear no malice7 I should have

done the same myself. I been the victim of one woman after

another all my life8 and I don"t grudge you two getting the

better of (li=a. I shan"t interfere. It"s time for us to go#

Colonel. !o long# 'enry. !ee you in !t. George"s# (li=a. ,'e goes

out-.

PIC?(+I3G ,coa$ing- )o stay with us# (li=a. ,'e follows

)oolittle-.

(li=a goes out on the balcony to avoid being alone with 'iggins.

'e rises and >oins her there. !he immediately comes bac into the

room and maes for the door8 but he goes along the balcony

&uicly and gets his bac to the door before she reaches it.

'IGGI3!. ell# (li=a# you"ve had a bit of your own bac# as you

call it. 'ave you had enough0 and are you going to be reasonable0

2r do you want any more0

9IHA. ou want me bac only to pic up your slippers and put up

with your tempers and fetch and carry for you.

'IGGI3!. I haven"t said I wanted you bac at all.

9IHA. 2h# indeed. Then what are we taling about0

'IGGI3!. About you# not about me. If you come bac I shall treat

you >ust as I have always treated you. I can"t change my nature8

and I don"t intend to change my manners. y manners are e$actly

the same as Colonel Picering"s.

9IHA. That"s not true. 'e treats a ;ower girl as if she was a

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duchess.

'IGGI3!. And I treat a duchess as if she was a ;ower girl.

9IHA. I see. ,!he turns away composedly# and sits on the ottoman#

facing the window-. The same to everybody.

'IGGI3!. Kust so.

9IHA. 9ie father.

'IGGI3! ,grinning# a little taen down- ithout accepting the

comparison at all points# (li=a# it"s &uite true that your father

is not a snob# and that he will be &uite at home in any station

of life to which his eccentric destiny may call him. ,!eriously-

 The great secret# (li=a# is not having bad manners or good

manners or any other particular sort of manners# but having the

same manner for all human souls7 in short# behaving as if you

were in 'eaven# where there are no third6class carriages# and one

soul is as good as another.

9IHA. Amen. ou are a born preacher.

'IGGI3! ,irritated- The &uestion is not whether I treat you

rudely# but whether you ever heard me treat anyone else better.

9IHA ,with sudden sincerity- I don"t care how you treat me. I

don"t mind your swearing at me. I don"t mind a blac eye7 I"ve

had one before this. 4ut ,standing up and facing him- I won"t be

passed over.

'IGGI3!. Then get out of my way8 for I won"t stop for you. ou

tal about me as if I were a motor bus.

9IHA. !o you are a motor bus7 all bounce and go# and no

consideration for anyone. 4ut I can do without you7 don"t thin I

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can"t.

'IGGI3!. I now you can. I told you you could.

9IHA ,wounded# getting away from him to the other side of the

ottoman with her face to the hearth- I now you did# you brute.

 ou wanted to get rid of me.

'IGGI3!. 9iar.

9IHA. Than you. ,!he sits down with dignity-.

'IGGI3!. ou never ased yourself# I suppose# whether I could do

without 2*.

9IHA ,earnestly- )on"t you try to get round me. ou"ll 'A( to do

without me.

'IGGI3! ,arrogant- I can do without anybody. I have my own soul7

my own spar of divine %re. 4ut ,with sudden humility- I shall

miss you# (li=a. ,'e sits down near her on the ottoman-. I have

learnt something from your idiotic notions7 I confess that humbly

and gratefully. And I have grown accustomed to your voice and

appearance. I lie them# rather.

9IHA. ell# you have both of them on your gramophone and in your

boo of photographs. hen you feel lonely without me# you can

turn the machine on. It"s got no feelings to hurt.

'IGGI3!. I can"t turn your soul on. 9eave me those feelings8 and

you can tae away the voice and the face. They are not you.

9IHA. 2h# you A+( a devil. ou can twist the heart in a girl as

easy as some could twist her arms to hurt her. rs. Pearce warned

me. Time and again she has wanted to leave you8 and you always

got round her at the last minute. And you don"t care a bit for

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her. And you don"t care a bit for me.

'IGGI3!. I care for life# for humanity8 and you are a part of it

that has come my way and been built into my house. hat more canyou or anyone as0

9IHA. I won"t care for anybody that doesn"t care for me.

'IGGI3!. Commercial principles# (li=a. 9ie ,reproducing her

Covent Garden pronunciation with professional e$actness- s"yollin

voylets ,selling violets-# isn"t it0

9IHA. )on"t sneer at me. It"s mean to sneer at me.

'IGGI3!. I have never sneered in my life. !neering doesn"t become

either the human face or the human soul. I am e$pressing my

righteous contempt for Commercialism. I don"t and won"t trade in

a:ection. ou call me a brute because you couldn"t buy a claim

on me by fetching my slippers and %nding my spectacles. ou were

a fool7 I thin a woman fetching a man"s slippers is a disgusting

sight7 did I ever fetch 2*+ slippers0 I thin a good deal more

of you for throwing them in my face. 3o use slaving for me and

then saying you want to be cared for7 who cares for a slave0 If 

you come bac# come bac for the sae of good fellowship8 for

you"ll get nothing else. ou"ve had a thousand times as much out

of me as I have out of you8 and if you dare to set up your little

dog"s trics of fetching and carrying slippers against my

creation of a )uchess (li=a# I"ll slam the door in your silly

face.

9IHA. hat did you do it for if you didn"t care for me0

'IGGI3! ,heartily- hy# because it was my >ob.

9IHA. ou never thought of the trouble it would mae for me.

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'IGGI3!. ould the world ever have been made if its maer had

been afraid of maing trouble0 aing life means maing trouble.

 There"s only one way of escaping trouble8 and that"s illing

things. Cowards# you notice# are always shrieing to havetroublesome people illed.

9IHA. I"m no preacher7 I don"t notice things lie that. I notice

that you don"t notice me.

'IGGI3! ,>umping up and waling about intolerantly- (li=a7 you"re

an idiot. I waste the treasures of my iltonic mind by spreading

them before you. 2nce for all# understand that I go my way and do

my wor without caring twopence what happens to either of us. I am

not intimidated# lie your father and your stepmother. !o you can

come bac or go to the devil7 which you please.

9IHA. hat am I to come bac for0

'IGGI3! ,bouncing up on his nees on the ottoman and leaning over

it to her- /or the fun of it. That"s why I too you on.

9IHA ,with averted face- And you may throw me out tomorrow if I

don"t do everything you want me to0

'IGGI3!. es8 and you may wal out tomorrow if I don"t do

everything 2* want me to.

9IHA. And live with my stepmother0

'IGGI3!. es# or sell ;owers.

9IHA. 2h< if I only C2*9) go bac to my ;ower baset< I should

be independent of both you and father and all the world< hy did

you tae my independence from me0 hy did I give it up0 I"m a

slave now# for all my %ne clothes.

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'IGGI3!. 3ot a bit. I"ll adopt you as my daughter and settle

money on you if you lie. 2r would you rather marry Picering0

9IHA ,looing %ercely round at him- I wouldn"t marry 2* if youased me8 and you"re nearer my age than what he is.

'IGGI3! ,gently- Than he is7 not @than what he is.@

9IHA ,losing her temper and rising- I"ll tal as I lie. ou"re

not my teacher now.

'IGGI3! ,re;ectively- I don"t suppose Picering would# though.

'e"s as con%rmed an old bachelor as I am.

9IHA. That"s not what I want8 and don"t you thin it. I"ve always

had chaps enough wanting me that way. /reddy 'ill writes to me

twice and three times a day# sheets and sheets.

'IGGI3! ,disagreeably surprised- )amn his impudence< ,'e recoils

and %nds himself sitting on his heels-.

9IHA. 'e has a right to if he lies# poor lad. And he does love

me.

'IGGI3! ,getting o: the ottoman- ou have no right to encourage

him.

9IHA. (very girl has a right to be loved.

'IGGI3!. hat< 4y fools lie that0

9IHA. /reddy"s not a fool. And if he"s wea and poor and wants

me# may be he"d mae me happier than my betters that bully me and

don"t want me.

'IGGI3!. Can he A?( anything of you0 That"s the point.

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9IHA. Perhaps I could mae something of him. 4ut I never thought

of us maing anything of one another8 and you never thin of 

anything else. I only want to be natural.

'IGGI3!. In short# you want me to be as infatuated about you as

/reddy0 Is that it0

9IHA. 3o I don"t. That"s not the sort of feeling I want from you.

And don"t you be too sure of yourself or of me. I could have been

a bad girl if I"d lied. I"ve seen more of some things than you#

for all your learning. Girls lie me can drag gentlemen down to

mae love to them easy enough. And they wish each other dead the

ne$t minute.

'IGGI3!. 2f course they do. Then what in thunder are we

&uarrelling about0

9IHA ,much troubled- I want a little indness. I now I"m a

common ignorant girl# and you a boo6learned gentleman8 but I"m

not dirt under your feet. hat I done ,correcting herself- what I

did was not for the dresses and the ta$is7 I did it because we

were pleasant together and I come66came66to care for you8 not to

want you to mae love to me# and not forgetting the di:erence

between us# but more friendly lie.

'IGGI3!. ell# of course. That"s >ust how I feel. And how

Picering feels. (li=a7 you"re a fool.

9IHA. That"s not a proper answer to give me ,she sins on the

chair at the writing6table in tears-.

'IGGI3!. It"s all you"ll get until you stop being a common idiot.

If you"re going to be a lady# you"ll have to give up feeling

neglected if the men you now don"t spend half their time

snivelling over you and the other half giving you blac eyes. If 

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you can"t stand the coldness of my sort of life# and the strain

of it# go bac to the gutter. or til you are more a brute than

a human being8 and then cuddle and s&uabble and drin til you

fall asleep. 2h# it"s a %ne life# the life of the gutter. It"sreal7 it"s warm7 it"s violent7 you can feel it through the

thicest sin7 you can taste it and smell it without any training

or any wor. 3ot lie !cience and 9iterature and Classical usic

and Philosophy and Art. ou %nd me cold# unfeeling# sel%sh#

don"t you0 ery well7 be o: with you to the sort of people you

lie. arry some sentimental hog or other with lots of money# and

a thic pair of lips to iss you with and a thic pair of boots

to ic you with. If you can"t appreciate what you"ve got# you"d

better get what you can appreciate.

9IHA ,desperate- 2h# you are a cruel tyrant. I can"t tal to you7

you turn everything against me7 I"m always in the wrong. 4ut you

now very well all the time that you"re nothing but a bully. ou

now I can"t go bac to the gutter# as you call it# and that I

have no real friends in the world but you and the Colonel. ou

now well I couldn"t bear to live with a low common man after you

two8 and it"s wiced and cruel of you to insult me by pretending

I could. ou thin I must go bac to impole !treet because I

have nowhere else to go but father"s. 4ut don"t you be too sure

that you have me under your feet to be trampled on and taled

down. I"ll marry /reddy# I will# as soon as he"s able to support

me.

'IGGI3! ,sitting down beside her- +ubbish< you shall marry an

ambassador. ou shall marry the Governor6General of India or the

9ord69ieutenant of Ireland# or somebody who wants a deputy6&ueen.

I"m not going to have my masterpiece thrown away on /reddy.

9IHA. ou thin I lie you to say that. 4ut I haven"t forgot what

you said a minute ago8 and I won"t be coa$ed round as if I was a

baby or a puppy. If I can"t have indness# I"ll have

independence.

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'IGGI3!. Independence0 That"s middle class blasphemy. e are all

dependent on one another# every soul of us on earth.

9IHA ,rising determinedly- I"ll let you see whether I"m dependent

on you. If you can preach# I can teach. I"ll go and be a teacher.

'IGGI3!. hat"ll you teach# in heaven"s name0

9IHA. hat you taught me. I"ll teach phonetics.

'IGGI3!. 'a< 'a< 'a<

9IHA. I"ll o:er myself as an assistant to Professor 3epean.

'IGGI3! ,rising in a fury- hat< That impostor< that humbug< that

toadying ignoramus< Teach him my methods< my discoveries< ou

tae one step in his direction and I"ll wring your nec. ,'e lays

hands on her-. )o you hear0

9IHA ,de%antly non6resistant- ring away. hat do I care0 I new

you"d strie me some day. ,'e lets her go# stamping with rage at

having forgotten himself# and recoils so hastily that he stumbles

bac into his seat on the ottoman-. Aha< 3ow I now how to deal

with you. hat a fool I was not to thin of it before< ou can"t

tae away the nowledge you gave me. ou said I had a %ner ear

than you. And I can be civil and ind to people# which is more

than you can. Aha< That"s done you# 'enry 'iggins# it has. 3ow I

don"t care that ,snapping her %ngers- for your bullying and your

big tal. I"ll adverti=e it in the papers that your duchess is

only a ;ower girl that you taught# and that she"ll teach anybody

to be a duchess >ust the same in si$ months for a thousand

guineas. 2h# when I thin of myself crawling under your feet and

being trampled on and called names# when all the time I had only

to lift up my %nger to be as good as you# I could >ust ic

myself.

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'IGGI3! ,wondering at her- ou damned impudent slut# you< 4ut

it"s better than snivelling8 better than fetching slippers and

%nding spectacles# isn"t it0 ,+ising- 4y George# (li=a# I saidI"d mae a woman of you8 and I have. I lie you lie this.

9IHA. es7 you turn round and mae up to me now that I"m not

afraid of you# and can do without you.

'IGGI3!. 2f course I do# you little fool. /ive minutes ago you

were lie a millstone round my nec. 3ow you"re a tower of 

strength7 a consort battleship. ou and I and Picering will be

three old bachelors together instead of only two men and a silly

girl.

rs. 'iggins returns# dressed for the wedding. (li=a instantly

becomes cool and elegant.

+!. 'IGGI3!. The carriage is waiting# (li=a. Are you ready0

9IHA. uite. Is the Professor coming0

+!. 'IGGI3!. Certainly not. 'e can"t behave himself in church.

'e maes remars out loud all the time on the clergyman"s

pronunciation.

9IHA. Then I shall not see you again# Professor. Good bye. ,!he

goes to the door-.

+!. 'IGGI3! ,coming to 'iggins- Good6bye# dear.

'IGGI3!. Good6bye# mother. ,'e is about to iss her# when he

recollects something-. 2h# by the way# (li=a# order a ham and a

!tilton cheese# will you0 And buy me a pair of reindeer gloves#

number eights# and a tie to match that new suit of mine# at (ale

O 4inman"s. ou can choose the color. ,'is cheerful# careless#

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vigorous voice shows that he is incorrigible-.

9IHA ,disdainfully- 4uy them yourself. ,!he sweeps out-.

+!. 'IGGI3!. I"m afraid you"ve spoiled that girl# 'enry. 4ut

never mind# dear7 I"ll buy you the tie and gloves.

'IGGI3! ,sunnily- 2h# don"t bother. !he"ll buy em all right

enough. Good6bye.

 They iss. rs. 'iggins runs out. 'iggins# left alone# rattles

his cash in his pocet8 chucles8 and disports himself in a

highly self6satis%ed manner.

 

 The rest of the story need not be shown in action# and indeed#

would hardly need telling if our imaginations were not so

enfeebled by their la=y dependence on the ready6maes and

reach6me6downs of the ragshop in which +omance eeps its stoc of 

@happy endings@ to mis%t all stories. 3ow# the history of (li=a

)oolittle# though called a romance because of the trans%guration

it records seems e$ceedingly improbable# is common enough. !uch

trans%gurations have been achieved by hundreds of resolutely

ambitious young women since 3ell Gwynne set them the e$ample by

playing &ueens and fascinating ings in the theatre in which she

began by selling oranges. 3evertheless# people in all directions

have assumed# for no other reason than that she became the

heroine of a romance# that she must have married the hero of it.

 This is unbearable# not only because her little drama# if acted

on such a thoughtless assumption# must be spoiled# but because

the true se&uel is patent to anyone with a sense of human nature

in general# and of feminine instinct in particular.

(li=a# in telling 'iggins she would not marry him if he ased

her# was not co&uetting7 she was announcing a well6considered

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decision. hen a bachelor interests# and dominates# and teaches#

and becomes important to a spinster# as 'iggins with (li=a# she

always# if she has character enough to be capable of it#

considers very seriously indeed whether she will play forbecoming that bachelor"s wife# especially if he is so little

interested in marriage that a determined and devoted woman might

capture him if she set herself resolutely to do it. 'er decision

will depend a good deal on whether she is really free to choose8

and that# again# will depend on her age and income. If she is at

the end of her youth# and has no security for her livelihood# she

will marry him because she must marry anybody who will provide

for her. 4ut at (li=a"s age a good6looing girl does not feel

that pressure8 she feels free to pic and choose. !he is

therefore guided by her instinct in the matter. (li=a"s instinct

tells her not to marry 'iggins. It does not tell her to give him

up. It is not in the slightest doubt as to his remaining one of 

the strongest personal interests in her life. It would be very

sorely strained if there was another woman liely to supplant her

with him. 4ut as she feels sure of him on that last point# she

has no doubt at all as to her course# and would not have any#

even if the di:erence of twenty years in age# which seems so

great to youth# did not e$ist between them.

As our own instincts are not appealed to by her conclusion# let

us see whether we cannot discover some reason in it. hen 'iggins

e$cused his indi:erence to young women on the ground that they

had an irresistible rival in his mother# he gave the clue to his

inveterate old6bachelordom. The case is uncommon only to the

e$tent that remarable mothers are uncommon. If an imaginative

boy has a suJciently rich mother who has intelligence# personal

grace# dignity of character without harshness# and a cultivated

sense of the best art of her time to enable her to mae her house

beautiful# she sets a standard for him against which very few

women can struggle# besides e:ecting for him a disengagement of 

his a:ections# his sense of beauty# and his idealism from his

speci%cally se$ual impulses. This maes him a standing pu==le to

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the huge number of uncultivated people who have been brought up

in tasteless homes by commonplace or disagreeable parents# and to

whom# conse&uently# literature# painting# sculpture# music# and

a:ectionate personal relations come as modes of se$ if they comeat all. The word passion means nothing else to them8 and that

'iggins could have a passion for phonetics and ideali=e his

mother instead of (li=a# would seem to them absurd and unnatural.

3evertheless# when we loo round and see that hardly anyone is

too ugly or disagreeable to %nd a wife or a husband if he or she

wants one# whilst many old maids and bachelors are above the

average in &uality and culture# we cannot help suspecting that

the disentanglement of se$ from the associations with which it is

so commonly confused# a disentanglement which persons of genius

achieve by sheer intellectual analysis# is sometimes produced or

aided by parental fascination.

3ow# though (li=a was incapable of thus e$plaining to herself 

'iggins"s formidable powers of resistance to the charm that

prostrated /reddy at the %rst glance# she was instinctively

aware that she could never obtain a complete grip of him# or come

between him and his mother Mthe %rst necessity of the married

womanN. To put it shortly# she new that for some mysterious

reason he had not the maings of a married man in him# according

to her conception of a husband as one to whom she would be his

nearest and fondest and warmest interest. (ven had there been no

mother6rival# she would still have refused to accept an interest

in herself that was secondary to philosophic interests. 'ad rs.

'iggins died# there would still have been ilton and the

*niversal Alphabet. 9andor"s remar that to those who have the

greatest power of loving# love is a secondary a:air# would not

have recommended 9andor to (li=a. Put that along with her

resentment of 'iggins"s domineering superiority# and her mistrust

of his coa$ing cleverness in getting round her and evading her

wrath when he had gone too far with his impetuous bullying# and

you will see that (li=a"s instinct had good grounds for warning

her not to marry her Pygmalion.

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And now# whom did (li=a marry0 /or if 'iggins was a predestinate

old bachelor# she was most certainly not a predestinate old maid.

ell# that can be told very shortly to those who have not guessedit from the indications she has herself given them.

Almost immediately after (li=a is stung into proclaiming her

considered determination not to marry 'iggins# she mentions the

fact that young r. /rederic (ynsford 'ill is pouring out his

love for her daily through the post. 3ow /reddy is young#

practically twenty years younger than 'iggins7 he is a gentleman

Mor# as (li=a would &ualify him# a to:N# and speas lie one8 he

is nicely dressed# is treated by the Colonel as an e&ual# loves

her una:ectedly# and is not her master# nor ever liely to

dominate her in spite of his advantage of social standing. (li=a

has no use for the foolish romantic tradition that all women love

to be mastered# if not actually bullied and beaten. @hen you go

to women#@ says 3iet=sche# @tae your whip with you.@ !ensible

despots have never con%ned that precaution to women7 they have

taen their whips with them when they have dealt with men# and

been slavishly ideali=ed by the men over whom they have

;ourished the whip much more than by women. 3o doubt there are

slavish women as well as slavish men8 and women# lie men# admire

those that are stronger than themselves. 4ut to admire a strong

person and to live under that strong person"s thumb are two

di:erent things. The wea may not be admired and

hero6worshipped8 but they are by no means dislied or shunned8

and they never seem to have the least diJculty in marrying

people who are too good for them. They may fail in emergencies8

but life is not one long emergency7 it is mostly a string of 

situations for which no e$ceptional strength is needed# and with

which even rather wea people can cope if they have a stronger

partner to help them out. Accordingly# it is a truth everywhere

in evidence that strong people# masculine or feminine# not only

do not marry stronger people# but do not show any preference for

them in selecting their friends. hen a lion meets another with a

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louder roar @the %rst lion thins the last a bore.@ The man or

woman who feels strong enough for two# sees for every other

&uality in a partner than strength.

 The converse is also true. ea people want to marry strong

people who do not frighten them too much8 and this often leads

them to mae the mistae we describe metaphorically as @biting

o: more than they can chew.@ They want too much for too little8

and when the bargain is unreasonable beyond all bearing# the

union becomes impossible7 it ends in the weaer party being

either discarded or borne as a cross# which is worse. People who

are not only wea# but silly or obtuse as well# are often in

these diJculties.

 This being the state of human a:airs# what is (li=a fairly sure

to do when she is placed between /reddy and 'iggins0 ill she

loo forward to a lifetime of fetching 'iggins"s slippers or to a

lifetime of /reddy fetching hers0 There can be no doubt about the

answer. *nless /reddy is biologically repulsive to her# and

'iggins biologically attractive to a degree that overwhelms all

her other instincts# she will# if she marries either of them#

marry /reddy.

And that is >ust what (li=a did.

Complications ensued8 but they were economic# not romantic.

/reddy had no money and no occupation. 'is mother"s >ointure# a

last relic of the opulence of 9argelady Par# had enabled her to

struggle along in (arlscourt with an air of gentility# but not to

procure any serious secondary education for her children# much

less give the boy a profession. A clership at thirty shillings a

wee was beneath /reddy"s dignity# and e$tremely distasteful to

him besides. 'is prospects consisted of a hope that if he ept up

appearances somebody would do something for him. The something

appeared vaguely to his imagination as a private secretaryship or

a sinecure of some sort. To his mother it perhaps appeared as a

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marriage to some lady of means who could not resist her boy"s

niceness. /ancy her feelings when he married a ;ower girl who

had become declassee under e$traordinary circumstances which were

now notorious<

It is true that (li=a"s situation did not seem wholly ineligible.

'er father# though formerly a dustman# and now fantastically

disclassed# had become e$tremely popular in the smartest society

by a social talent which triumphed over every pre>udice and every

disadvantage. +e>ected by the middle class# which he loathed# he

had shot up at once into the highest circles by his wit# his

dustmanship Mwhich he carried lie a bannerN# and his 3iet=schean

transcendence of good and evil. At intimate ducal dinners he sat

on the right hand of the )uchess8 and in country houses he smoed

in the pantry and was made much of by the butler when he was not

feeding in the dining6room and being consulted by cabinet

ministers. 4ut he found it almost as hard to do all this on four

thousand a year as rs. (ynsford 'ill to live in (arlscourt on an

income so pitiably smaller that I have not the heart to disclose

its e$act %gure. 'e absolutely refused to add the last straw to

his burden by contributing to (li=a"s support.

 Thus /reddy and (li=a# now r. and rs. (ynsford 'ill# would have

spent a penniless honeymoon but for a wedding present of 5EE

pounds from the Colonel to (li=a. It lasted a long time because

/reddy did not now how to spend money# never having had any to

spend# and (li=a# socially trained by a pair of old bachelors#

wore her clothes as long as they held together and looed pretty#

without the least regard to their being many months out of 

fashion. !till# 5EE pounds will not last two young people for

ever8 and they both new# and (li=a felt as well# that they must

shift for themselves in the end. !he could &uarter herself on

impole !treet because it had come to be her home8 but she was

&uite aware that she ought not to &uarter /reddy there# and that

it would not be good for his character if she did.

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3ot that the impole !treet bachelors ob>ected. hen she

consulted them# 'iggins declined to be bothered about her housing

problem when that solution was so simple. (li=a"s desire to have

/reddy in the house with her seemed of no more importance than if she had wanted an e$tra piece of bedroom furniture. Pleas as to

/reddy"s character# and the moral obligation on him to earn his

own living# were lost on 'iggins. 'e denied that /reddy had any

character# and declared that if he tried to do any useful wor

some competent person would have the trouble of undoing it7 a

procedure involving a net loss to the community# and great

unhappiness to /reddy himself# who was obviously intended by

3ature for such light wor as amusing (li=a# which# 'iggins

declared# was a much more useful and honorable occupation than

woring in the city. hen (li=a referred again to her pro>ect of 

teaching phonetics# 'iggins abated not a >ot of his violent

opposition to it. 'e said she was not within ten years of being

&uali%ed to meddle with his pet sub>ect8 and as it was evident

that the Colonel agreed with him# she felt she could not go

against them in this grave matter# and that she had no right#

without 'iggins"s consent# to e$ploit the nowledge he had given

her8 for his nowledge seemed to her as much his private property

as his watch7 (li=a was no communist. 4esides# she was

superstitiously devoted to them both# more entirely and franly

after her marriage than before it.

It was the Colonel who %nally solved the problem# which had cost

him much perple$ed cogitation. 'e one day ased (li=a# rather

shyly# whether she had &uite given up her notion of eeping a

;ower shop. !he replied that she had thought of it# but had put

it out of her head# because the Colonel had said# that day at

rs. 'iggins"s# that it would never do. The Colonel confessed

that when he said that# he had not &uite recovered from the

da==ling impression of the day before. They broe the matter to

'iggins that evening. The sole comment vouchsafed by him very

nearly led to a serious &uarrel with (li=a. It was to the e:ect

that she would have in /reddy an ideal errand boy.

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/reddy himself was ne$t sounded on the sub>ect. 'e said he had

been thining of a shop himself8 though it had presented itself 

to his pennilessness as a small place in which (li=a should selltobacco at one counter whilst he sold newspapers at the opposite

one. 4ut he agreed that it would be e$traordinarily >olly to go

early every morning with (li=a to Covent Garden and buy ;owers

on the scene of their %rst meeting7 a sentiment which earned him

many isses from his wife. 'e added that he had always been

afraid to propose anything of the sort# because Clara would mae

an awful row about a step that must damage her matrimonial

chances# and his mother could not be e$pected to lie it after

clinging for so many years to that step of the social ladder on

which retail trade is impossible.

 This diJculty was removed by an event highly une$pected by

/reddy"s mother. Clara# in the course of her incursions into

those artistic circles which were the highest within her reach#

discovered that her conversational &uali%cations were e$pected

to include a grounding in the novels of r. '.G. ells. !he

borrowed them in various directions so energetically that she

swallowed them all within two months. The result was a conversion

of a ind &uite common today. A modern Acts of the Apostles would

%ll %fty whole 4ibles if anyone were capable of writing it.

Poor Clara# who appeared to 'iggins and his mother as a

disagreeable and ridiculous person# and to her own mother as in

some ine$plicable way a social failure# had never seen herself in

either light8 for# though to some e$tent ridiculed and mimiced

in est ?ensington lie everybody else there# she was accepted as

a rational and normal66or shall we say inevitable066sort of human

being. At worst they called her The Pusher8 but to them no more

than to herself had it ever occurred that she was pushing the

air# and pushing it in a wrong direction. !till# she was not

happy. !he was growing desperate. 'er one asset# the fact that

her mother was what the (psom greengrocer called a carriage lady

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had no e$change value# apparently. It had prevented her from

getting educated# because the only education she could have

a:orded was education with the (arlscourt green grocer"s

daughter. It had led her to see the society of her mother"sclass8 and that class simply would not have her# because she was

much poorer than the greengrocer# and# far from being able to

a:ord a maid# could not a:ord even a housemaid# and had to

scrape along at home with an illiberally treated general servant.

*nder such circumstances nothing could give her an air of being a

genuine product of 9argelady Par. And yet its tradition made her

regard a marriage with anyone within her reach as an unbearable

humiliation. Commercial people and professional people in a small

way were odious to her. !he ran after painters and novelists8 but

she did not charm them8 and her bold attempts to pic up and

practise artistic and literary tal irritated them. !he was# in

short# an utter failure# an ignorant# incompetent# pretentious#

unwelcome# penniless# useless little snob8 and though she did not

admit these dis&uali%cations Mfor nobody ever faces unpleasant

truths of this ind until the possibility of a way out dawns on

themN she felt their e:ects too eenly to be satis%ed with her

position.

Clara had a startling eyeopener when# on being suddenly waened

to enthusiasm by a girl of her own age who da==led her and

produced in her a gushing desire to tae her for a model# and

gain her friendship# she discovered that this e$&uisite

apparition had graduated from the gutter in a few months" time.

It shoo her so violently# that when r. '. G. ells lifted her

on the point of his puissant pen# and placed her at the angle of 

view from which the life she was leading and the society to which

she clung appeared in its true relation to real human needs and

worthy social structure# he e:ected a conversion and a

conviction of sin comparable to the most sensational feats of 

General 4ooth or Gypsy !mith. Clara"s snobbery went bang. 9ife

suddenly began to move with her. ithout nowing how or why# she

began to mae friends and enemies. !ome of the ac&uaintances to

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whom she had been a tedious or indi:erent or ridiculous

aQiction# dropped her7 others became cordial. To her ama=ement

she found that some @&uite nice@ people were saturated with

ells# and that this accessibility to ideas was the secret of their niceness. People she had thought deeply religious# and had

tried to conciliate on that tac with disastrous results#

suddenly too an interest in her# and revealed a hostility to

conventional religion which she had never conceived possible

e$cept among the most desperate characters. They made her read

Galsworthy8 and Galsworthy e$posed the vanity of 9argelady Par

and %nished her. It e$asperated her to thin that the dungeon in

which she had languished for so many unhappy years had been

unloced all the time# and that the impulses she had so carefully

struggled with and sti;ed for the sae of eeping well with

society# were precisely those by which alone she could have come

into any sort of sincere human contact. In the radiance of these

discoveries# and the tumult of their reaction# she made a fool of 

herself as freely and conspicuously as when she so rashly adopted

(li=a"s e$pletive in rs. 'iggins"s drawing6room8 for the

new6born ellsian had to %nd her bearings almost as ridiculously

as a baby8 but nobody hates a baby for its ineptitudes# or thins

the worse of it for trying to eat the matches8 and Clara lost no

friends by her follies. They laughed at her to her face this

time8 and she had to defend herself and %ght it out as best she

could.

hen /reddy paid a visit to (arlscourt Mwhich he never did when

he could possibly help itN to mae the desolating announcement

that he and his (li=a were thining of blacening the 9argelady

scutcheon by opening a shop# he found the little household

already convulsed by a prior announcement from Clara that she

also was going to wor in an old furniture shop in )over !treet#

which had been started by a fellow ellsian. This appointment

Clara owed# after all# to her old social accomplishment of Push.

!he had made up her mind that# cost what it might# she would see

r. ells in the ;esh8 and she had achieved her end at a garden

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party. !he had better luc than so rash an enterprise deserved.

r. ells came up to her e$pectations. Age had not withered him#

nor could custom stale his in%nite variety in half an hour. 'is

pleasant neatness and compactness# his small hands and feet# histeeming ready brain# his una:ected accessibility# and a certain

%ne apprehensiveness which stamped him as susceptible from his

topmost hair to his tipmost toe# proved irresistible. Clara

taled of nothing else for wees and wees afterwards. And as she

happened to tal to the lady of the furniture shop# and that lady

also desired above all things to now r. ells and sell pretty

things to him# she o:ered Clara a >ob on the chance of achieving

that end through her.

And so it came about that (li=a"s luc held# and the e$pected

opposition to the ;ower shop melted away. The shop is in the

arcade of a railway station not very far from the ictoria and

Albert useum8 and if you live in that neighborhood you may go

there any day and buy a buttonhole from (li=a.

3ow here is a last opportunity for romance. ould you not lie to

be assured that the shop was an immense success# thans to

(li=a"s charms and her early business e$perience in Covent

Garden0 Alas< the truth is the truth7 the shop did not pay for a

long time# simply because (li=a and her /reddy did not now how

to eep it. True# (li=a had not to begin at the very beginning7

she new the names and prices of the cheaper ;owers8 and her

elation was unbounded when she found that /reddy# lie all youths

educated at cheap# pretentious# and thoroughly ineJcient

schools# new a little 9atin. It was very little# but enough to

mae him appear to her a Porson or 4entley# and to put him at his

ease with botanical nomenclature. *nfortunately he new nothing

else8 and (li=a# though she could count money up to eighteen

shillings or so# and had ac&uired a certain familiarity with the

language of ilton from her struggles to &ualify herself for

winning 'iggins"s bet# could not write out a bill without utterly

disgracing the establishment. /reddy"s power of stating in 9atin

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that 4albus built a wall and that Gaul was divided into three

parts did not carry with it the slightest nowledge of accounts

or business7 Colonel Picering had to e$plain to him what a

che&ue boo and a ban account meant. And the pair were by nomeans easily teachable. /reddy baced up (li=a in her obstinate

refusal to believe that they could save money by engaging a

booeeper with some nowledge of the business. 'ow# they argued#

could you possibly save money by going to e$tra e$pense when you

already could not mae both ends meet0 4ut the Colonel# after

maing the ends meet over and over again# at last gently

insisted8 and (li=a# humbled to the dust by having to beg from

him so often# and stung by the uproarious derision of 'iggins# to

whom the notion of /reddy succeeding at anything was a >oe that

never palled# grasped the fact that business# lie phonetics# has

to be learned.

2n the piteous spectacle of the pair spending their evenings in

shorthand schools and polytechnic classes# learning booeeping

and typewriting with incipient >unior clers# male and female#

from the elementary schools# let me not dwell. There were even

classes at the 9ondon !chool of (conomics# and a humble personal

appeal to the director of that institution to recommend a course

bearing on the ;ower business. 'e# being a humorist# e$plained

to them the method of the celebrated )icensian essay on Chinese

etaphysics by the gentleman who read an article on China and an

article on etaphysics and combined the information. 'e suggested

that they should combine the 9ondon !chool with ?ew Gardens.

(li=a# to whom the procedure of the )icensian gentleman seemed

perfectly correct Mas in fact it wasN and not in the least funny

Mwhich was only her ignoranceN too his advice with entire

gravity. 4ut the e:ort that cost her the deepest humiliation was

a re&uest to 'iggins# whose pet artistic fancy# ne$t to ilton"s

verse# was calligraphy# and who himself wrote a most beautiful

Italian hand# that he would teach her to write. 'e declared that

she was congenitally incapable of forming a single letter worthy

of the least of ilton"s words8 but she persisted8 and again he

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suddenly threw himself into the tas of teaching her with a

combination of stormy intensity# concentrated patience# and

occasional bursts of interesting dis&uisition on the beauty and

nobility# the august mission and destiny# of human handwriting.(li=a ended by ac&uiring an e$tremely uncommercial script which

was a positive e$tension of her personal beauty# and spending

three times as much on stationery as anyone else because certain

&ualities and shapes of paper became indispensable to her. !he

could not even address an envelope in the usual way because it

made the margins all wrong.

 Their commercial school days were a period of disgrace and

despair for the young couple. They seemed to be learning nothing

about ;ower shops. At last they gave it up as hopeless# and

shoo the dust of the shorthand schools# and the polytechnics#

and the 9ondon !chool of (conomics from their feet for ever.

4esides# the business was in some mysterious way beginning to

tae care of itself. They had somehow forgotten their ob>ections

to employing other people. They came to the conclusion that their

own way was the best# and that they had really a remarable

talent for business. The Colonel# who had been compelled for some

years to eep a suJcient sum on current account at his baners

to mae up their de%cits# found that the provision was

unnecessary7 the young people were prospering. It is true that

there was not &uite fair play between them and their competitors

in trade. Their wee6ends in the country cost them nothing# and

saved them the price of their !unday dinners8 for the motor car

was the Colonel"s8 and he and 'iggins paid the hotel bills. r.

/. 'ill# ;orist and greengrocer Mthey soon discovered that there

was money in asparagus8 and asparagus led to other vegetablesN#

had an air which stamped the business as classy8 and in private

life he was still /rederic (ynsford 'ill# (s&uire. 3ot that

there was any swan about him7 nobody but (li=a new that he had

been christened /rederic Challoner. (li=a herself swaned lie

anything.

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 That is all. That is how it has turned out. It is astonishing how

much (li=a still manages to meddle in the houseeeping at impole

!treet in spite of the shop and her own family. And it is notable

that though she never nags her husband# and franly loves theColonel as if she were his favorite daughter# she has never got

out of the habit of nagging 'iggins that was established on the

fatal night when she won his bet for him. !he snaps his head o: 

on the faintest provocation# or on none. 'e no longer dares to

tease her by assuming an abysmal inferiority of /reddy"s mind to

his own. 'e storms and bullies and derides8 but she stands up to

him so ruthlessly that the Colonel has to as her from time to

time to be inder to 'iggins8 and it is the only re&uest of his

that brings a mulish e$pression into her face. 3othing but some

emergency or calamity great enough to brea down all lies and

dislies# and throw them both bac on their common humanity66and

may they be spared any such trial<66will ever alter this. !he

nows that 'iggins does not need her# >ust as her father did not

need her. The very scrupulousness with which he told her that day

that he had become used to having her there# and dependent on her

for all sorts of little services# and that he should miss her if 

she went away Mit would never have occurred to /reddy or the

Colonel to say anything of the sortN deepens her inner certainty

that she is @no more to him than them slippers@# yet she has a

sense# too# that his indi:erence is deeper than the infatuation

of commoner souls. !he is immensely interested in him. !he has

even secret mischievous moments in which she wishes she could get

him alone# on a desert island# away from all ties and with nobody

else in the world to consider# and >ust drag him o: his pedestal

and see him maing love lie any common man. e all have private

imaginations of that sort. 4ut when it comes to business# to the

life that she really leads as distinguished from the life of 

dreams and fancies# she lies /reddy and she lies the Colonel8

and she does not lie 'iggins and r. )oolittle. Galatea never

does &uite lie Pygmalion7 his relation to her is too godlie to

be altogether agreeable.

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