q guide emotional intelligence aw

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Emotional Intelligence

Q. G

UIDE

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We have seven big ideas about EI for you in this booklet.

At the back there are links to things you can read, watch or

listen to if you want to dig deeper. But before you dive in,

here’s a simple summary of what EI is all about:

A set of emotional and social skills that influence the way we:

› perceive and express ourselves

› develop and maintain relationships

› cope with challenges, and

› use emotional ‘information’ effectively

It’s hard to overstate the importance ofEmotional Intelligence (EI). And even harderto say precisely how much it influences oursuccess in navigating situations, relationshipsand careers. Daniel Goleman – one of thegodfathers of EI responsible for itspopularisation in the 1990s – explains itmatters more than IQ in such realms as loveand leadership. He knows a thing or twoabout EI, so let’s agree EI matters – a lot!

EI{

ContentsWho is in Charge? 2 - 3

Self-Perception 4 - 5

Self-Expression 6 - 7

Interpersonal 8 - 9

Decision Making 10 - 11

Stress Management 12 - 13

Balance & Progress 14 - 15

Links & Ideas to Explore 16

Acknowledgement

We have used the MHS Emotional Quotient (EQ) model throughout this publication. On each double-page spread there is advice to ‘pay attention to three things.’ These relate to MHS’ EQ elements.

01

Q.GUIDE EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

“ How about this slogan:‘If you are unhappy for any reason we will feel really bad’. ”

We can think of healthy EI as our

skillset in managing our response to

the stimuli that bombard us every

moment. Being blessed with – or

having learned to develop – EI means

we do better in influencing or shaping

our emotional responses.

This matters in the workplace. Good

leaders have their act together and

connect well with people. Change can

seem overwhelming unless we have

learned to be resilient. Working well

with colleagues and clients requires

rapport and engagement skills.

The first step to improving your

EI requires paying full attention to

how you respond now. Being mindful

of your sense of self, your relationships

with others or how you respond to

difficulties is the first step to

regaining a bit of control.

Here are six things you can begin

monitoring today. When each of

these scenarios occurs, try to pay

attention to what’s happening

inside you. (And choose the

emoticon that fits best your

emotional state!)

Who is in Charge?

Our emotional responses to people, actions andsituations can seem automatic. Your least favouriterelative announces she is coming to stay for a week. In an instant your blood pressure climbs and there’s an outpouring of righteous indignation.

When you have to make a crucial decision.

notes:

ADD YOUREMOTICON SCENARIO

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Q.GUIDE EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCEQ.GUIDE EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

If you are excited by something or someone.

notes:

Walking into a room to start an important meeting.

notes:

Finding out that some work has gone wrong, or that there is a complaint.

notes:

How you feel about your day as you finish work. (Or how you feel as you start work.)

notes:

If Self-Perception is weak, we may

not be ‘in touch’ with ourselves, and

perhaps feel confused. Above all we

may lack confidence in who we are

or what we can achieve.

Pay attention to three things:

› Self-Regard – your sense of identity

and how much you respect yourself

› Self-Actualisation – the degree

to which you feel motivated and

focused on achieving things

that matter

› Emotional Self-Awareness – being

able to identify, describe and explain

your emotions

Self-Perception

It’s healthy and helpful to have a positive, confident view of yourself and your ability to lead a meaningful life.(So long as you’re not delusional of course! Think AlanPartridge.) Even better is to have a solid understandingof what you’re about, and to recognise how you respondemotionally to people and events. This is Self-Perceptionand it is the bedrock of building EI.

If you want to take a giant

leap towards enhancing

Self-Perception, then take

up the Big Rocks challenge.

The story is told by Steven Covey

(he of the habits of highly effective

people fame) about a prof showing

his students a large jar filled to the

brim with rocks. ‘Is it full?’ The

students say ‘Yes!’ The prof pulls

out a box of gravel and tips it into the

jar. And the gravel finds its way

between the rocks until it reaches

the brim. ‘Is it full?’ The students say

‘Yes’ again, but with less conviction.

Again the prof pulls out a box,

this time with sand, which finds

its way in between the rocks and

gravel. Full? The students are

really not sure now. Out comes

a jug of water, and in it goes.

‘The lesson?’ asks the prof.

‘However busy we are, we can

always fit in more.’ ‘Wrong! If you

don’t put in the big rocks first, you

won’t ever be able to fit them in.’

Identify what matters, and put that

in first. Otherwise the stuff – gravel

& sand – will always fill up the space.

0504


Nothing defines us as humans more than our driveand ability to communicate with one another.Giving voice to our thoughts, feelings and opinionsand doing so honestly is a core element of EI.


› Emotional Expression

how comfortable you

are expressing emotions

and the range of words

you can use to do so

› Assertiveness

being able to say what

you think constructively,

and being firm or direct

when you need to.

› Independence

being decisive and

free from emotional

dependency on others

(i.e. not being ‘needy’)

Self-Expression

1. Speak clearly

In EI terms, this means saying

‘No’ when you need to!

2. Speak easily, but not too much.

Give others their turn

If you’re confident and comfortable

– as well as socially aware – you

don’t need to hog the conversation.

3. Do not interrupt

It’s a conversation, not a contest.

4. Be courteous

Think about how best to say what

you need to say and be in sufficient

control to show good manners.

5. Deal seriously with

serious matters, gracefully

with lighter ones

Use your antennae to judge

the situation.

6. Never criticise people

behind their backs

Gossip is out!! And if you have

feedback for someone, show some

mettle and say it to their face.

(Remembering rule number 4.)

7. Stick to subjects of

general interest

So you don’t bore the pants

off people.

8. Do not talk about yourself

Well, maybe just a little bit. But it is

a sign of self-confidence and social

awareness that you can restrain

the ‘me-me-me’ impulse.

9. Never lose your temper

Remember, you need to be in

control of your emotions, not the

other way around.

Writing a couple of millennia ago, the Roman sage Cicero put together the all-time

top list of rules for engaging in conversation.

0706


Dale Carnegie’s book, ‘How To Win

Friends And Influence People’ has

sold over 15 million copies since its

publication in 1936. Really the first

‘self-help’ book, it sets out some

eternal wisdom about how to build

vital bonds with others:

1. Become genuinely interested

in other people.

2. Smile.

3. Remember that a person's name

is, to that person, the sweetest

and most important sound in

any language.

4. Be a good listener. Encourage

others to talk about themselves.

5. Talk in terms of the other

person's interests.

6. Make the other person feel

important – and do it sincerely.

Interpersonal

Arguably the attribute that best characterisesEI is the set of skills associated withInterpersonal functioning. How well weconnect with and relate to others is at theheart of why EI is important to success.


› Interpersonal relationships –

investing time and energy in

establishing high quality

relationships; being sociable and

trustworthy

› Empathy – listening attentively to

others and ‘tuning in’ to them;

responding sensitively and

compassionately to others’ needs

› Social responsibility – being a co-

operative, contributing member of a

team, group, organisation or

community; demonstrating a healthy

regard for social norms and the

‘greater good’

Whether you’re a full-on extrovert

or more a quieter introvert, we can all

improve our connectivity with others

through practice.

Here’s a simple idea you can try every

day at the coffee store. When ordering,

think about where the coffee came

from, and who might have grown it.

Instead of simply transacting your

business with the barista, be curious,

and engage them in conversation. Pay

full attention to them, smile, and be

interested in their world. It takes but a

few minutes. Do it often and as you get

comfortable, do it often at work and

elsewhere too.

0908


When you drive home from work with

the radio on full blast, singing along to

the songs, and then realise you got

home without remembering the

journey – that’s System 1 at work.

But when reverse parking into a tight

space, you stop listening to the radio

and concentrate on the difficult task

at hand – that’s System 2.

We need to utilise emotional

information in decision making and

remain grounded, objective and

focused on data when necessary.

In others words, we should be able to

exercise some degree of regulation

when required. When we cannot, we’re

likely to miss important information or

jump to conclusions. But it’s a tough

gig. As Daniel Kahneman says,

Decision Making

Emotionally Intelligent decision making requires thatwe work at two seemingly opposite things in tandem.There’s an intuitive, emotional and automaticresponse. And there’s an effortful, rational,deliberate response. Daniel Kahneman – Nobel Prize Winner for his work on the subject – calls these two approaches System 1 and System 2.

We’re blind to our blindness. We

have very little idea of how little we

know. We’re not designed to.

“


› Problem Solving – using emotional

information to solve problems;

staying focused on finding a solution

from the options available

› Reality Testing – being grounded,

objective and making sensible

decisions; validating thoughts and

emotions against facts and data

› Impulse Control – acting and

thinking in a composed, deliberate

and patient manner; being

predictable and avoiding rash or

impulsive decisions or actions.

Training your intuition means accepting

feedback and being open to learning.

As Kahneman’s quote makes clear –

it’s often hard to recognise when we’re

going wrong. So, it matters to seek out

and assimilate feedback from others

and from objective sources.

Improvement in decision making from

an EI viewpoint comes from training

your mind to exercise more active

control when it is most needed – for

example, when you sense you are

becoming overly emotional. It’s hard

and requires commitment, practice

and disciplined effort.

Two world-famous experiments and

the work linked to them will set you on

your way. ‘The Marshmallow Test’ is

the popular name (and book title) for

the work on self-control by Walter

Mishchel. Its focus is on Impulse

Control. ‘The Invisible Gorilla’ by

Christopher Chabris and Daniel

Simons explores our blindness to things

that are right in front of us. Its focus is

on Reality Testing and Problem Solving.

1110


!!

Resilience is learned more than it is

taught. And we learn it by confronting

the brutal facts in any situation. Some

might wish to prevent any adverse

situation occurring by anticipating and

resolving all future risks. However, this

can lead to ‘protect’ culture rather than

a ‘become stronger’ culture.

Diane Coutu in her research

identifies three key characteristics

of resilient people:

1. They face down reality

really face it and accept it

2. They search for meaning

Viktor Frankl, using his

experiences in a concentration

camp to help develop his later

scientific theories, wrote

Our question must consist, not in talk

and meditation, but in right action and

in right conduct. Life ultimately means

taking the responsibility to find the

right answer to its problems and to

fulfil the tasks which it constantly sets

for each individual.

3. They have ritualised ingenuity

a willingness and an ability to flex,

adjust, adapt and be inventive.

Stress Management

Setbacks, challenges, conflicts and change test ouremotional mettle. More than coping, healthy EIsuggests a level of resilience – a capability to pickyourself up, dust yourself down and makeprogress towards a worthwhile goal.


› Flexibility – being open to change;

adapting and seeing change as

refreshing or necessary

› Stress Tolerance – using a range of

coping strategies when under stress;

managing your emotional state

› Optimism – being positive and

seeing the good in things; being

confident in yourself and others

Learning resilience might be a little like

building muscle strength. Begin with

small ‘weights’ – for example,

confronting minor conflicts, or facing

down a relatively small difficulty. When

we first lift weights our muscles hurt –

they are being broken down but will be

re-built stronger. So it will be with

these conflicts and difficulties. We will

feel a little sore today, but better able

to cope tomorrow.

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Still, strengths can be over-used or

distort how we perform, especially if

they are not in balance with other

elements of EI. Here are two examples

of where very strong EI can lead to

unintended results:

› Impulse Control – some people

may appear to lack spontaneity,

or seem to react too slowly to

emerging situations.

› Emotional Expression – there may

be cases where people might

overwhelm others or share

inappropriate information.

If you recognise a strength in your EI

repertoire, just check if there is a price

you pay for it, or if it has some

unintended consequences. When the

answer is ‘yes’ think about what other

aspect of EI needs enhancing to

counter-balance this. For example,

if your Optimism is so high you

sometimes ignore evidence or

inconvenient problems, then look to

improve your Reality Testing. This

might mean considering situations

from other perspectives to help

improve your objectivity.

Balance & Progress

Generally speaking, it is healthy to have well developedEI attributes. You may have real strengths in someparticular areas. Perhaps you have strong Empathy and can do a brilliant job of walking a mile in anotherperson’s shoes. Or you have a well-developed sense of Self-Actualisation – able to find meaning in your work and drive towards worthwhile goals.

Going from greater self-awareness to enhanced personal and interpersonal

effectiveness is a journey of five steps.

Adapted from MHS EQi manual

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Recognition of internal feelingsBelief in and respect for oneselfAction orientationUnderstanding the source of feelingsES, SR, SA and RT

ES = Emotional Self-Awareness

RT = Reality Testing

ST = Stress Tolerance

IC = Impulse Control

RE = Social Responsibility

SR = Self Regard

OP = Optimism

EE = Emotional Expression

IR = Interpersonal Relationships

SA = Self-Actualisation

FL = Flexibility

PS = Problem Solving

EM = Empathy

Management of own thoughts & feelingsGood self-care practicesEffective stress managementAlignment of thoughts, feelings & actionsEffective expression of internal selfOP, FL, ST, & EE

Use emotionsMaintain objectivityMaintain composurePS, RT and IC

Emotional connectionTrust, compassion & empathyWillingness to compromise where neededAppreciate differencesIR, EM and RE

Emotional & social functioningSelf-actualisationWell-beingPerformance

Self-Awareness01

Self-Management02

Emotional Management03

Effective Relationship04

Personal & InterpersonalEffectiveness05

AND RESULTS IN

PLUS

IS RELATED TO

WHICH IMPACTS

Emotional Intelligence in General

Read ‘Search Inside Yourself’, by Chade-Meng Tan

(Google’s Chief Happiness Officer!)

Follow Daniel Goleman’s posts on LinkedIn

Self-Perception

Look into the subject of mindfulness and find out about techniques

for improving how you pay attention to what is happening.

Self-Expression

Read this article in The Economist on the art of conversation

http://www.economist.com/node/8345491

Links & Ideas to Explore

Interpersonal

Watch ‘It’s Not About The Nail’ on YouTube

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-4EDhdAHrOg

Visit the Center For Non-Violent Communication founded by

Marshall Rosenberg https://www.cnvc.org/about/marshall-rosenberg.html

Watch Brené Brown’s video on the RSA website on empathy

https://www.thersa.org/discover/videos/rsa-shorts/2013/12/Brene-

Brown-on-Empathy/

Decision Making

Visit The Invisible Gorilla website at

http://www.theinvisiblegorilla.com/index.html

Read ‘The Marshmallow Test’ by Walter Mischel

and look at the video at https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QX_oy9614HQ

Stress Management

Read Diane Coutu, ‘How Resilience Works’

https://hbr.org/2002/05/how-resilience-works

Read Viktor Frankl, ‘Man’s Search For Meaning’ – about his experiences in

a concentration camp and the development of his theory – Logotherapy

Watch Bob Newhart, ‘Stop It’ video (a little light relief!)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=arPCE3zDRg4

Balance and Progress

Invite feedback from colleagues, family and friends.

Compare their sense of you with your own.

Take an EI questionnaire, reflecting on the results and

considering ways to improve.

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q guide emotional intelligence aw

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