Page 41

Here’s the Scoop

Goes to Disney! It’s nice to know we are always with you! Thanks for the photo, boys. We hope you enjoyed your vacation.

Q. How can you drop

a raw egg onto a concrete

floor without cracking it?

A. Concrete floors are

very hard to crack!

Page 42

IRS AUDIT The owner of a small New York sandwich deli was being questioned by an IRS agent about his tax return. He had reported a net profit of $80,000 for the year. "Why don't you people leave me alone?" the deli owner said. "I work like a dog, everyone in my family helps out, the place is only closed three days a year. And you want to know how I made $80,000?" "It's not your income that bothers us," the agent said. "It's these travel deductions. You listed six trips to Florida for you and your wife." "Oh, that," the owner said smiling. "It is a legitimate business expense because we also deliver."

SPIN THE BOTTLE We used to play spin the bottle when I was a kid. A girl would spin the bottle and if it pointed to you when it stopped, the girl could either kiss you or give you a dime. By the time I was 14, I owned my own home.

“All the taxes paid over a lifetime

by the average American, are spent by the

government in less than a second.” - Jim Fiebig

DON’T FORGET:

CANADIAN TAXES ARE DUE APRIL 30th

Page 43

Have you ever noticed that anyone driving slower than you is going too slow, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

Helping Hand A man writing at the post office desk was approached by an older fellow with a post card in his hand. The old man said, "Sir, I'm sorry to bother you but could you address this post card for me? My arthritis is acting up today and I can't even hold a pen." "Certainly sir,' said the younger man, "I'd be glad to." He wrote out the address and also agreed to write a short message and sign the card for the man. Fi-nally, the younger man asked, "Now, is there anything else I can do for you?" The old fellow thought about it for a moment and said, "Yes, at the end could you just add, 'PS: Please excuse the sloppy hand-writing.'?"

Page 44

$500 off

279999 CRAFTSMAN garden tractor. Briggs & Stratton V-twin OHV engine. Hydrostatic/automatic transmission. Sears reg.

$410 off

168999 CRAFTSMAN yard tractor. Briggs & Stratton V-twin OHV engine. Manual gear transmission. Sears reg. 2099.99.

20hp 42” deck

22hp 42” deck

$120 off

37999 ‘Manhattan Beach’ 7-pc. Cushion patio set. Consists of 4 stackable cushion chairs, 42” square table with a shatter-resistant tempered glass table top, 8’ umbrella and 18” steel base. Sears reg. 499.99.

$60 off

68999 Kenmore stainless steel propane grill. #30816. Sears reg. 749.99. Natural gas model also available. (Not exactly as shown)

$300 off

99999 CRAFTSMAN 8.5 ft./lb. torque tine tiller. Dual rotating tines. Sears reg. 1299.99.

$121 off

22899 CRAFTSMAN 5.5 ft./lb. torque gas lawn mower. Briggs & Stratton engine. Front-wheel drive. Sears reg. 349.99.

158 cc

21” deck

NON-RUST ALUMINUM

FRAMES

50,000 Total BTU

635 sq.in. cooking surface

Double burner

75,000 Total BTU

715 sq.in. cooking surface

4 burners

ALL reg. priced Broil

King gas grills on

sale!

$60 off

28999 Broil King propane grill. 235 sq.in. warming rack. Porcelain-coated cast-iron cooking grids. #30806. Sears reg. 349.99. Natural gas model also available.

26hp 54” deck

$300 off

169999 CRAFTSMAN lawn tractor. Briggs & Stratton OHV engine. Hydrostatic/automatic transmission. 16” turning radius. Sears reg. 1999.99.

Page 45

TOTAL $250 OFF TEAM

84998for the team

KENMORE WASHER & DRYER $100 off Top-load washer. 3.2 cu. ft. super capacity. #28752. Sears reg. 599.99. 499.99 $50 off Dryer. 7.5 cu. ft. capacity. #68752. Sears reg. 499.99. 449.99 Team price includes additional $100 savings.

$100 off

49999 Kenmore 18.2 cu. ft. fridge with top freezer. #41912. Sears reg. 599.99.

$210 off

58999 Kenmore tall tub built-in dishwasher with Turbozone®/MD II feature. Nylon racks. Plastic tall tub material. #13742. Sears reg. 799.99. Also available in black. Black-on-stainless steel extra. Installation not included.

$20 off

37999 30” easy-clean coil range with adjustable legs. 4.6 cu. ft. oven capacity. #50112. Sears reg. 399.99.

TOTAL $220 OFF TEAM

97998for the team

KENMORE FRONT-LOAD WASHER & DRYER $50 off Washer. 3.1 cu. ft. capacity. #47022. Sears reg. 749.99. 699.99 $50 off Dryer. 5.7 cu. ft. capacity. #87022. Sears reg. 449.99. 399.99 Team price includes additional $120 savings.

TOTAL $250 OFF TEAM

149998for the team

KENMORE EXTRA-LARGE CAPACITY FRONT-LOAD WASHER & DRYER $100 off Washer. 2.34 cu. ft. capacity. #40002. Sears reg9.99. 899.99 $50 off Dryer. 4.1 cu. ft. capacity. #80002. Sears reg. 749.99. 699.99 Team price includes additional $100 savings.

Page 46

Automotive Tools

Author: Peter Egan of Road & Track magazine

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive car parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing convertible tops or tonneau covers.

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop riv-ets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling rollbar mounting holes in the floor of a sports car just above the brake line that goes to the rear axle.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETELENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting those stale garage cigarettes you keep hidden in the back of the socket drawer (what wife would think to look in there?) because you can never remember to buy lighter fluid for the Zippo lighter you got from the gas station.

ZIPPO LIGHTER: See oxyacetelene torch.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your

(Continued on page 48)

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Page 47

Page 48

beer across the room, splattering it against the Rolling Stones poster over the bench grinder.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar callouses in about the time it takes you to say, "Django Reinhardt".

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a Mustang to the ground after you have installed a set of Ford Motorsports lowered road springs, trappng the jack handle firmly under the front air dam.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG SPRUCE 2X4: Used for levering a car upward off a hydraulic jack.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbour Chris to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and hydraulic clutch lines you may have forgotten to discon-nect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.

BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin", which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used dur-ing, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.

(Continued from page 46)

"It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world everyday always

just exactly fits the newspaper."