rage to reason

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Online Training Program - Barbara Leiner, Director - www.fosterparents.com

The Bridge from Rage to Reason:

Coaching Traumatized Children To Think Before They Act

by Joyce E. Divinyi, M.S.,L.P.C.

4.0 Hours Training Credit

This material is copyrighted and may not be redistributed without the expressed permission of

FCAC.

Introduction: One of the most troublesome challenges for any parent is determining how to effectively

respond to an emotionally out-of-control child or teenager. A childs emotional meltdown or explosion

often incites an equally emotional reaction from parents. When this happens, everyones emotions tend to

escalate. The aftermath of this kind of intense and angry interchange is often quite devastating.

Sometimes parents feel guilty, and at the very least frustrated and confused. Often children feel guilty

because once they are able to regain their emotional equilibrium, they are well aware that their behavior

has been unacceptable and even outrageous. They themselves are sometimes highly confused about what

set them off or why they couldnt calm down and stop when they are prompted to do so. All in all,

everyone ends up feeling lousy.

This course will provide a clear explanation of how and why children who are well loved and cared for

can react in a hostile, mean or angry way toward those who love them most. Understanding a simple

model of the brain structure as it relates to intense emotional behavior will assist parents in helping their

children learn how to express emotions appropriately without losing control. The emotions/thinking

/action model discussed in this course is a valuable tool in the process of moving wounded children from

rage to reason.

Course Overview:

Part I The Raging Brain

Why children rage, explode, meltdown for no apparent reason.

How the organization of the brain affects the childs ability to calm down or to express anger

appropriately.

How trauma affects the brain and emotional development.

Why punishment often has no affect.

Part II The Reasonable Response

Debriefing: How to discover the emotional antecedents of an explosive incident.

Guidelines for debriefing an emotionally charged incident.

Step 1: Be certain all parties are in the T.

Step 2: State the purpose and the goal of debriefing.

e to Reason http://www.fosterparentstest.com/Zy7m/DOOdcniDNJCBs/ragereason.ht

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Step 3: Focus on the setting first.

Step 4: Focus on the events leading up to the incident.

Step 5: Focus on the emotions prior to the incident.

Step 6: Discuss the incident--- who, what, where, when.

Step 7: Focus on the emotions after the incident.

Step 8: Acknowledge the childs emotions.

Step 9: Discuss alternative behaviors to prevent similar outburst from recurring.

Step 10: Create an action-plan.

Step 11: Teach the child how to de-escalate.

Step 12: Ask for agreements.

Step 13: Walk them through the thinking process.

Step 14: Celebrate success.

Part I:

Why children rage, explode, meltdown for no apparent reason.

It is not always easy to determine what causes a child to go into an emotional meltdown or out-of-control

rage. Some times it can even seem like nothing really caused it. It just happened. Actually there are three

factors involved when you are dealing with emotional volatility. These three factors combined create aserious problem for both parents and children. One is the trigger, as in what set off the reaction. The

second is the childs inability to get a little bit upset or slightly angry. These children go from being upset,

irritated or annoyed to being in a rage in seconds, and the third is the childs inability to calm himself

down. The truth is that there are numerous possible causes for rageful and emotionally out-of-control

behavior, but all three of these factors are usually present when a child is prone to repeated incidences of

raging behavior. The following are some of the reasons that these factors develop in a childs life.

1. Neurological disorders

2. Mental health disorders

3. Traumatic experiences: Neglect, Abandonment, Abuse

4. Chaotic families

5. Poor parenting skills

6. Victimization by peers

7. Abuse

1. Neurological Disorders:

Some times it is difficult for people to understand that the brain is like any other organ in the body. It is

subject to malfunctioning just like any other organ. In fact, the brain operates on a very delicate balance

of neuro-chemicals. When that balance is disturbed the brain functions are affected. Since the brain


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enables us to behave appropriately on a day-to-day basis it is logical that when a chemical imbalance

develops in the brain, behavior is affected. A chemical imbalance can occur for a number of reasons,

including genetic and environmental. Neurological disorders can be responsible for emotional volatility

and a tendency towards rage.

2. Mental Health Disorders:

When an imbalance of the brains chemicals occurs over a period of time, both emotions and behavior are

affected. These behavioral changes are what is commonly called mental health disorders. Personally I

find the term mental health misleading because it implies that mental health is somehow different from

brain health. Mental health refers to the thinking and reasoning process of the brain. If the brain is

working properly, then the mental processes are working properly and vice versa. Therefore, emotional

volatility and the tendency towards rage can also be called mental health disorders, but they are only

indicators that the brains health is somehow impaired.

A Note: Mental health disorders are sometimes characterized by both medical and mental health

professionals as being the only explanation for a childs unacceptable behavior. Receiving a mental health

diagnosis can even leave a family believing that nothing can be done about the behavior. A diagnosis such

as oppositional defiant disorder or conduct disorder can give the impression that the disorder itself is theonly reason for the negative behavior. This is rarely true and it DOES NOT imply that change cannot

occur. I have heard parents and professionals say things like, Well, he is ODD. What can you expect? A

diagnosis should only be a tool to help point the way to the most effective intervention.

3. Traumatic experiences---Neglect, abandonment, abuse

Traumatic experiences affect the brain. They often flood the brain with stress reducing hormones, which

over time can disturb the healthy balance of other brain chemicals. When this happens, behavior is

affected. Being separated from a birth parent is emotional trauma. Being abused by parents or other adults

is certainly traumatic. Well-meaning adoptive and foster parents sometimes believe that lots of love,

nurturing and proper care taking can overcome historic trauma, abuse and neglect. Love and nurturing can

make recovery from trauma possible. However, the impact of profound trauma on the brain can prompt

emotional, out-of-control and rageful behavior even when the child is being properly and carefully treated

in the present moment.

4. Chaotic families.

Even when the brain is perfectly healthy and functioning properly, a child learns how to control his/her

emotions by watching adults who can control their emotions. When a family is chaotic and emotionally

reactive, a child has difficulty learning the how to of calming themselves down, resolving conflict or

handling frustrations. Not only that, children need a great deal of structure and nurturing in the process oftheir emotional development. Chaotic families cannot and do not provide structure and rarely provide

healthy nurturing even if they do love their children.

5. Poor parenting skills

Sometimes children develop a habit of volatility and temper tantrums because it gets results for them. In

other words, in the end the child gets what they want. This is because even well meaning parents can be

manipulated and without effective parenting skills they contribute to their childs emotional terrorism.

6. Victimization by peers on a regular basis.

I have seen children become emotionally volatile when they are being bullied or terrorized by peers. Most

children do not have the verbal skills to articulate their fears and frustrations. Those emotions become

internalized and can spill over in a safer environment, like home.


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7. Abuse

Child abuse is emotional trauma. See Number 3, Traumatic Experiences.

How the organization of the brain affects the childs ability to calm down or to express anger

appropriately.

In order to understand highly intense emotions and how they affect behavior, it is helpful to have a simple

understanding of how the brain works. The brain is a highly compartmentalized organ. Different parts ofthe brain do different jobs. The part of the brain that makes it possible to feel and experience emotion is

different than the part of the brain that enables us to think. These two functions actually depend on two

entirely different areas in the brain.

The ability to think about what could happen in the future, as in future consequences, requires that both

the feeling and thinking parts of the brain are able to communicate with each other. The ability to choose

a course of action instead of just react also comes from a separate area of the brain. The parts of the brain

that allow us to feel, think and act are connected by chemical bridges. When these bridges are operating

properly, a person can have an angry feeling, think about what they want to do about the feeling and

choose a proper action.

For instance, I may wake up in the morning feeling tired and mopey and mad at the world because I have

to go to work but if my bridges are working, I can think about what will happen to my job if I dont show

up and choose to get up and go even when I dont feel like it. My brains healthy bridge between

emotions and thinking allow me to choose an appropriate action (AA).

By the same token, if I feel so angry that I would like to hit someone, and my brains bridges are healthy

and fully developed, I can think that there is a rule against hitting and speak my anger rather than

physically assault someone. Being able to make the choice about how I want to act when I am feeling

unhappy or angry depends on my brains ability to move across the bridge from emotion to thinking. The

emotions-thinking-action sequence (ETA) is essential for anger management. The diagram belowindicates how the brain is meant to work when the brains bridges are fully developed and working

properly.

This simple sequence that takes place in the brain

is taken for granted by most mature adults. They

have learned how to process these three things in

an automatic fashion. Their brains move through

this sequence quite readily. Brain function is the

key. Mature adults can move fromfeeling to

thinking to action in nano-seconds.

This sequence doesnt always happen for

children and teens. Childrens brains are not fully

developed or as we will see in the next section,

the development has been disrupted for various

reasons. Their bridges are much more fragile than adults and can easily collapse. When the E-T-A

sequence gets mixed up, the result can be that feelings (Emotions) end up driving the behavior. Afeeling

happens and BINGO...an action follows immediately.

There are even some adults that have not yet mastered the skill of talking (thinking) themselves out of

acting on an impulse. We all get this sequence out of order from time to time. We act onfeelings insteadof good thinking skills. With children, theEmotion toAction sequence happens quite often. This prompts

adults to ask the age-old question, What were you thinking?! The answer to that question is usually, I

dont know. Then adults become frustrated and cannot believe anyone, even a young person, does not


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know what they were thinking.

Children who are subject to intense anger and rage have extremely fragile bridges. Their emotions bypass

any thinking process. Their brains go straight fromEmotion toAction---also in a nano-second. In

addition to that, they do not seem to have any temperature gauge or thermostat in their brain that lets them

know that they are getting angry. They become agitated and move instantly into rage. There is no

thermostat control that cools down the emotion when it starts to overheat. Their anger is instantly hot

anger that then takes the bridge out and they act out in various destructive ways. Thinking has no part inthis process. WhenEmotions are intense, Thinking is impaired or impossible. The diagram below

indicates what happens in the brain when emotions become intense.

Many times there does not appear to be any valid

reason for the intense anger that these children

experience. Often they cannot always tell you

what upset them nor can they control themselves

once they become agitated. This, however, does

not mean that there is no reason or that they

cannot be taught to manage their agitation and

anger appropriately. It does mean, however, that

determining the origins of the rage and teaching

self-control skills is a necessary part of helping

children make it across the bridge from rage to

reason.

Part II of this course will deal with how to help children or teens manage their own emotions. Please do

not skip to that section because it is important to understand a couple other significant factors that come

into play when emotions drive behavior on a regular basis.

How trauma affects the brain and emotional development

The human brain is not fully developed until early adulthood. This is one of the reasons car insurance for

teens and young people under the age of 25 is extremely high because insurance companies have long

known that young people are more likely to make bad judgments while behind the wheel of a car. New

brain research goes on constantly and we will learn more and more about the development of the brain.

For now, it is important to recognize that one part of the brain that develops slowly over a period of years

is what I have referred to above as the bridge. This is the brains ability to move from emotion to

thinking. As infants, this ability does not exist. Toddlers can thinkbut they cant control their emotions

very well. Thus if they get upset over anything, they are liable to just start screaming. As human beings

move through early childhood and into adolescence, this ability to calm down and thinkbegins to

improve. By the time we reach our mid-twenties we can move fromfeelings to thinking reasonably well

and our judgment improves the older we get. At least that is how it is supposed to work.

There are, however, numerous factors that can interrupt the proper development. One of the most

significant is traumatic experience in childhood. Many foster children have experienced great trauma.

One of the consequences of trauma is developmental arrest. A childs normal emotional development,

which is their ability to calm themselves down and move from emotion to thinking, can be disrupted by

the intense emotions generated during severe trauma and or deprivation. Just as the electrical system in

your home has circuit breakers to prevent overheating, the brain has similar circuit breakers to shut down


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emotional intensity when it becomes unbearable. This enables trauma victims to survive the most ghastly

circumstances.

Most often when this happens, children are not treated for the trauma. In the case of most foster children,

they may be removed from horrible circumstances but this does not automatically address the trauma that

has occurred in the brain. In fact, there is often an expectation that children who have been removed from

a deprived or hostile environment into a loving one will automatically respond emotionally in the same

fashion that a child who has never been traumatized would. Foster caretakers are often hurt and mystifiedwhen wounded children do not seem to acknowledge or appreciate their loving environment or caretakers.

What actually happens is that the childs emotional development gets stuck at the age they were when the

first trauma began in their lives. As we all know, many foster children experience years of trauma and

deprivation before they are placed in foster care. So foster parents who may have taken a five year old

into their home thinking they prefer to care for young children rather than babies or toddlers, find out that

this child behaves as though she is an infant. If the childs history is known, it is likely that the first

trauma in her life began in infancy and consequently her emotional development is stuck in infancy. As an

emotional infant she is inconsolable when upset and unable to articulate anything about what she is

feeling. Whereas a five year old could actually tell what is upsetting them and respond to efforts to calm

them down and help them think.

This emotional developmental arrest is further complicated by the fact that most foster parents and even

many mental health professionals are unaware of this phenomenon. Everyone then becomes doubly

frustrated because none of the interventions that should work with a five year old are working with this

child. This is the reason that having some sense of a childs developmental age is helpful when trying to

determine what interventions they need to resume a healthy emotional development.

Why punishment often has no affect.

Another complication that gets in the way of successful interventions and therefore prevents successful

outcome, is the long held notion that punishment is the only appropriate answer to inappropriate or

unacceptable behavior. Consequently, well-meaning parents punish wounded children for temper tantrums

and rageful outbursts, only to find out that no amount of punishment (timeouts, loss of privileges, etc.)

seems to affect the childs negative behavior. Often times this causes even the best foster parents to give

up and return the child to the agency from where he/she came. They believe that nothing they can do will

help this child and it certainly appears to be the case.

This sadness and frustration, both for the child and the foster caretakers, can be prevented. When

inappropriate behavior is a result of developmental arrest and/or the lack of self-control skills, punishment

will never prompt positive behavior change. Many frustrated and weary parents and caretakers know this

but few understand why it is happening or what to do about it.

There are three reasons why punishment does not stop a traumatized child from repeating the same

negative behavior. The first is that the brains of these children have not developed sufficiently to allow

them to get across the bridge. If a person is unable to go from emotions to thinking, they are also unable

to consider future consequences. The ability to consider what might happen in the future, and what might

happen because of something one is doing right now, requires the cognitive centers (thinking) of the brain

to be engaged. When emotions override thinking, then future consequences simply do not exist.

The second reason that punishment often has no affect is that many children with a propensity to intense

anger and rage are emotionally developmentally arrested. This means, among other things, that they haveyet to learn the developmental skills for calming themselves down, speaking appropriately about their

anger or restraining their impulse to strike out, blow up, or melt down. Just as an infant has no skills for

any of the above and once upset will simply scream and kick, so do many older children who have

suffered some form of trauma or neglect.


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The third reason is lack of close supervision, nurturing or proper parenting. It could even be said that

these children have not been disciplined. This means they have not connected emotionally with a

nurturing adult who has been able to teach them how to control themselves. To discipline is to teach. Too

often discipline and punishment are confused with one another. When I discipline a child, I may review

every step they took in the process of losing control or striking out and then rehearse with them the

alternative steps that I want them to take the next time the same exact situation arises. I may get them to

practice that with me and go over it again and again until their brain forms that bridge from the emotion to

the thinking. Punishment, on the other hand, relies on the premise that suffering teaches skills. It doesnot. Punishment works best with children who have good self-control skills but forget to use them.

The bridge from rage to reason is actually a neuro-pathway in the brain that allows the emotion to thinking

process to happen. I find it helpful to think of helping children build new neuro-pathways the same way I

would think about creating a path through a thickly wooded area. I may have to do a lot of brush clearing

or remove old dead wood and go over and over the area before a clear path will become obvious.

Rehearsing the behavior one wants from a child is one of the fundamental steps in creating a bridge from

emotions to thinking to appropriate action.

PART II The Reasonable ResponseDebriefing: How to discover the emotional antecedents of an explosive incident.

The best way to help children get from emotions to thinking is to teach them a coping skill that will help them do something

other than explode, cry, scream or go into some other form of emotional melt-down. In order to know what they need to learn

or what coping skill will help them, it is necessary to try to determine what specific emotion triggered the angry response.

There is a tendency to believe that anger, in and of itself, is the only emotion a child is experiencing. The fact is that anger is

always a secondary emotion, which is triggered by some other emotion. Finding out what the primary emotion is that sets off

the angry reaction is essential to helping the child learn the best coping skill for dealing with that emotion.

It takes a little more time than many teachers feel they have in school situations to figure out what are the triggers are for highly

intense angry behavior, but parents can and must take the necessary time to discover what set things in motion whenever there

is an explosive incident either at home or at school.

Consistently reviewing explosive incidents in detail is essential to teaching these children self-control. The best way to find out

what triggered the emotional outburst is to ask many questions. It is easy to jump to conclusions about why a child became

furious or lost control. Often parents, and perhaps siblings, or others who are the brunt of an angry outburst, are absolutely

certain they know the cause of the anger. The most common explanation is either that there was no good reason as in he just

went off, or she became angry just because she didnt get her own way.

Neither of these explanations tends to be the full story. First of all, there is always a reason for angry outbursts. The reason

may not be obvious but that is why the questioning process is so important. Secondly, even if a child does become rageful

because they cant have what they want, it is important to discover the exact nature of the emotions the child is feeling when

they are thwarted. For instance, some children can become instantly angry because they have a major issue with fairness. What

can look like anger due to being told they cant do something may really be anger that a sibling or someone else was permitted

to do something and they were not.

Another child may become angry when they are told no because their inability to conceptualize the future makes it impossible

for them to conceptualize a concept called later. Emotionally speaking, they believe that if they dont have it now or do it

now; there will be no other time. Much like infants, their brains have literally not developed the ability to imagine a future

time when they may get what they want. For them there is no later.

The questioning process can, in and of itself, be therapeutic if it is done properly. In fact, it needs to be treated more like a

debriefing process instead of an interrogation or inquisition. Debriefing is a fact-finding process only. It must happen while

everyone is in the T part of the brain. All the dust has to have settled and both parent and child must be calm. Aside from

everyone being calm, the next most important part of an effective debriefing is to be certain that no conclusions are drawn until

all the questions have been asked. Some times the same question has to be asked several different ways before it is possible to

determine what actually got things going.

Examples:

The following is an example of effective debriefing. It also illustrates how the process can reveal information necessary for

helping the child change his behavior.


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Jason, a third grade boy, had been in trouble many times in school for getting into fights and losing his temper. The school staff

had exhausted all normal avenues of punishment and parent conferencing, all to no avail. No one seemed able to get Jason to

keep his hands to himself and stay out of trouble. When he was not involved in some sort of conflict, he was a charming little

nine-year old boy. Most adults enjoyed him because of his very sharp intellect, natural charm and engaging smile.

As a consultant to the school, I had the opportunity to conduct a debriefing of an incident with Jason. He had been sent to the

principals office for fighting. The first thing that I noted was that he did not seem terribly unhappy. In fact, he seemed

perfectly okay even though he apparently had just been in a fight. Here is my dialogue with Jason.

Joyce: How are you doing today?

Jason: Fine. I am fine.

Joyce: So you are having a good day.

Jason: Yeah

Joyce: I understand that you had a little trouble though.

Jason: Yeah.

Joyce: Where were you when this trouble happened?

Jason: In the hall. (Note: Hallways are fertile ground for emotionally charged kids).

Joyce: Where were you before you went into the hall?

Jason: I was in Ms. Greens room.

Joyce: How were things in Ms. Greens room?

Jason: Good.

Joyce: What does Ms. Green teach?

Jason: Reading.

Joyce: Do you like reading?

Jason: I do.

Joyce: Are you good at reading?

Jason: Oh, Yes.

Joyce: So you were having a good day in Ms. Greens room and then you went into the hall. Where were you going

when you left Ms. Greens room?

Jason: To Ms. Browns room.

Joyce: What does Ms. Brown teach?

Jason: Math

Joyce: Do you like Math?

Jason: No, I hate Math.

Joyce: Do you like Ms. Brown?

Jason: No, I dont like Ms. Brown. She is mean.

Joyce: So how did you get in trouble in the hall?

Jason: Jamal shoved me.

Joyce: Oh, so Jamal shoved you. Then what did you do?

Jason: Well, I shoved him back.


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Joyce: Is that when you got in trouble?

Jason: Yes.

Joyce: Did Jason get in trouble too?

Jason: No. The teacher didnt see him shove me.

Joyce: Oh, That is too bad.

Jason: Yeah.

Joyce: What about Ms. Smith, (the principal)? Do you like her?

Jason: Oh yes, shes nice.

Joyce: So you arent afraid of her?

Jason: No, I like her.

Joyce: So its not so bad to be here, even if you are in trouble. I guess its better than being in Ms. Browns room

doing math.

Jason: Yes!

Notice how in the course of debriefing the fighting incident, it becomes clear that Jason is indeed very bright and has figured

out how to avoid doing the things he really doesnt like. In the course of the typical interrogation following a fighting incidence

the focus would have stayed on the conflict itself and not on what lead up to the incident. Jason would have been challenged

on his statement that Jamal had actually started it which would have been a waste of time because Jason was not about to

admit that he had deliberately stirred up trouble. It is highly doubtful that Jason was conscious of manipulating the situation to

his advantage but that does not mean he wasnt skillful at doing just that. In other words, he didnt have to think about it. He

just did it.

This is typical of highly emotionally charged children. While they anger quickly and may not even know why, they do know

how to use their anger to their advantage. The point here, though, is that the debriefing process revealed a more significant

problem. Jason was lagging behind in math. He needed extra help and did not have the kind of parental support necessary to

make that happen. In this case, because of the dialogue Jason and I had, Jason suffered the consequences for fighting in schoolbut he also got help with math. The punishment was necessary but without the math intervention, it would have done little to

change Jasons tendency to look for trouble at about the same time everyday.

As smart as Jason was, he did not consciously plan to create a diversion so that he would not have to go to math class. He

actually felt angry and irritable without knowing why. As soon as he was out in the hall, and away from the structure of the

classroom, his frustration and anger had an opportunity to let go.

Guidelines for Debriefing an Emotionally-Charged Incident:

In order to help develop the bridge from rage to reason, a careful debriefing of each explosive incident is necessary. Debriefing

is a careful and thorough examination of all the emotional experiences that occurred preceding an angry outburst or violent

episode. Debriefing can be therapeutic and can provide an opportunity for both adults and children to become clear and alert to

the precursors of dangerous or self-defeating behavior. If done effectively, it will also reveal exactly what a child needs in

order to keep from exploding. The purpose of debriefing is NOT to place blame, lecture, or humiliate. The purpose is to gain

information and understanding, which will in turn support new behavior.

The following is a description of the debriefing technique. Further examples of debriefing dialogues will follow:

Step 1: Be certain all parties are in the T i.e. emotions are calm.

One of the reasons that Jason and I were able to have a productive session, in the above example, was that neither Jason nor I

was upset when I questioned him... Whatever time it takes for both parent and child to calm down after an incident; take that

time. Sometimes it is even better to wait until the next day, especially if an incident occurs close to bedtime. It is not advisable

to wait too long, as in more than twenty-four hours to do a debriefing. Waiting too long will create a tendency to avoid going

back over troubled waters. It can also generate fear that re-viewing the incident will just set things off again----sort of; let thesleeping dog lie syndrome.

Step 2: State the PURPOSE and GOAL of the debriefing clearly.

Before any questions are asked, be sure to clarify that the only reason to review what happened is to figure out why things got


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out of control. Say to the child, If we can determine what you were feeling before you got upset or why you lost your cool, we

will know how to help you stay calm the next time you have those feelings.

Beware of assuming that because you were present at the moment a child lost control and burst into a rage that you know

exactly what happened, and why it happened. After all, you watched it happen. Many times I have heard parents and/or

teachers say, he just went off, or all I did was tell her that she had to finish eating before she left the table. It certainly

appears that the only thing that has happened in these incidences is that the child lost control for no good reason; except for

perhaps they couldnt have or do what they wanted. This might be true if it was a one-time incident. However, when

explosions are a common occurrence, it is reasonably certain that there is more to the incident than what appears to be obvious.

That is why an effective debriefing is so valuable. However, debriefing will need to follow every single incident for a period oftime until either the root causes of the rage are clear and/or the child has come to understand that she has more control over her

emotions then she believes she does.

Children who are emotionally volatile or fragile have no internal sense of their own control. Just as infants are unable to calm

themselves down or quit crying on command, these children have no internal off-switch, or if they do, they cant seem to get to

it before it is too late.

There are two aspects of debriefing that are therapeutic. The first is the peaceful dialogue between parent and child during the

fact-finding process. It helps the child understand that the parent cares about their feelings but is also concerned that the child

learn to handle those feelings appropriately. It also helps determine what chain of events or emotions set things off and which

skills the child lacks for dealing with those feelings or situations.

The second therapeutic aspect of debriefing is the process of placing a nonjudgmental focus on the details of every singleincident. This process teaches the child the following two important things: The first is the concept of accountability. The

debriefing process, if done without anger or judgment, teaches the child that he is accountable for his actions---not someone or

something else. The second concept that it teaches is that you love them but their behavior is absolutely not acceptable. It can

and must change. The process of debriefing, in and of itself, begins to give the child the message that their behavior is more a

matter of choice than they realize it is. I have seen children stop repeated incidences of emotional meltdowns when they began

to realize that they would be required to debrief the incident. This scrutiny itself can sometimes be a deterrent.

Caution: The debriefing process will backfire and create even more intense emotion, anger and raging if it is not done in a very

detached, matter-of-fact, nonjudgmental, fact-finding manner. There can be no lecturing or chastising during the debriefing

process. If that occurs, the process will be a waste of time at best, or aggravate the situation at worst.

Step 3: Focus on the SETTING first.

The last thing that the brain remembers when emotionally intense incidents occur is the sequence of events. Ask anyone who

has ever been in an automobile accident. They will begin by telling you all I remember is They will rarely say, first this

happened and then that happened and proceed to tell you how things occurred in time sequence. Therefore, it is fairly useless

to begin a debriefing by asking, What happened? because a response to this question requires a sequence of events answer.

It is usually best to start with where things happened, as in the above example. I began with the question, Where were you

when you got in trouble? If you know where the incident occurred, then focus on the where the child was prior to the

incident. For example, if the incident happened between two siblings who were in the living room at home, ask where each

child was and what were they doing before they came into the living room. This may seem silly but it is essential to determine

where exactly the child was before any emotional agitation occurred.

Step 4: Focus on events leading up to the incident.

Many times I have discovered the actual triggers to an explosive incident happened earlier in the day or with some person other

than the one who ended up receiving the brunt of the angry outburst. For instance, Lisa, a darling eight-year-old girl was prone

to raging fits almost everyday after school. She would scream and then eventually bite herself. Her parents were deeply

concerned for obvious reasons, not to mention she always bit herself on her hand, which created a terrible wound that would not

clear up. When she wasnt having major fits, she was a delightful little girl.

During the debriefing process, in which I asked her and her mother to take me through a typical day from the minute she woke

up, I discovered that Lisa, as with so many ADD children, had extreme difficulty coming out of a deep sleep. Consequently,

mornings were a time of battle and conflict at their house. The more frustrated and angry Lisa and her mother became in the

morning, the more Lisa was almost certain to become explosive in the afternoon. Lisas afternoons explosions appeared to be

triggered by almost anything, even something as simple as a small change in routine. In fact, her fits of temper were set in

motion during the morning getting ready for school routine.

Together the child and the mother and I devised a plan to help Lisa get herself out of bed and to the breakfast table on time. The

plan required the mother to give Lisa a little more time to wake up than she had previously. Mom also agreed to go and sit on

her bed, for just two to three minutes right after she woke her up. Lisas Mom just talked to her and held her hand. She was

very nurturing for that short time and then she left Lisa to get herself up and dressed. She did not go back to Lisas room to nag

her to get up and keep moving. That was now Lisas responsibility. This plan was highly structured in that everyone knew


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exactly what each was suppose to do.

The plan also included a provision to provide an incentive for Lisa if she was able to carry out her end of the bargain. Lisa

loved getting a lot of one-on-one attention so her mother agreed that she and Lisa would bake cookies together after school the

first time Lisa was able to be ready on time without any battle. Not receiving the incentive was sufficient consequence to

motivate Lisa. In a short time, the morning battles diminished and then stopped. Finding incentives to keep Lisa behaving well

in the morning was not necessary. The plan had helped both Lisa and her mother realize that Lisa had more control over her

morning outbursts than either one had thought. When this happened there was a significant decrease in Lisas irritability and

subsequent angry outbursts in the afternoon.

Without debriefing the entire day and looking at events preceding the problem behavior, all the focus would have stayed on the

emotional outbursts. It is so common, as to be almost predictable, that emotionally volatile or fragile children can stay irritable

and even explosive all day long simply by having some sort of minor conflict early in the day.

One time I observed a kindergarten boy and his teacher struggle over getting a toothpick out of his mouth early in the morning

while the rest of the class was coming in for the day. As I watched, he and his teacher became more and more agitated as she

attempted to get him to spit out the toothpick. It was clear to me that they would have a very difficult day together. Sure

enough, later in the afternoon while I was consulting with the principal, the boy was sent into her office for having a fit of rage

and hitting another child. I told the principal that it was predictable early in the morning that this boy would be in serious

trouble before the day was out.

It is essential to pay attention to the emotional state of a volatile child even after a minor skirmish. Once the emotional centers

of their brain become agitated, the child is extremely vulnerable to losing it for what seems like no apparent reason.

Step 5: Focus on the emotions prior to the incident.

I usually start a debriefing process by asking, Where were you when things were okay with you? Then I ask, when was

that? The answer to these questions helps determine some sort of starting point for when the child began to feel agitated.

Once I have some idea of what sequence of events kicked off the emotional reactions, I can zero in on what specific emotion

was involved.

The goal of the questioning process is to help the child recognize exactly what they were feeling when they first became upset,

not just when they blew up. Children and parents often do not have a large vocabulary of feeling words. It is then hard for them

to describe exactly what they were feeling. It is helpful to suggest a feeling word and ask them if that word seems to fit how

they were feeling. Lots of times I will give them multiple choices.

For instance, in the case of the above example with Lisa, I asked how she felt when she first woke up in the morning, besides

sleepy. She couldnt really answer the question so I asked her if she knew what overwhelmed meant. She replied that it

meant, You just cant do it all. Then I asked her if that is how she might be feeling in the mornings when she first woke up

and she said, Yes, that is it. I just dont think I can get ready before my mother gets mad at me.

Realizing that Lisa feltpressuredand overwhelmedhelped us come up with a plan to break the morning down for her in smaller

segments that she could manage. It also helped us to discover that, contrary to her mothers constant nudging her to keep

moving and get ready, it worked better for Mom to give her just a little bit of undivided attention and nurturing and then leave

her alone to get ready on her own. She still had to face the consequences of not making it on time but she was not agitated from

the minute she woke up. Ironically, the simple change in the morning routine helped Lisa feel more of a sense of control than

when mother was constantly nudging her. This relieved some of the pressured feeling she experienced every morning.

Eventually she was able to be ready on time every morning.

Keep in mind that the tendency of most adults when they begin questioning a child, is to try to figure out what was the child

thinking. When a child is prone to rages or other forms of emotional outbursts, they are not thinking, they are feeling. Figuring

out the feelings is the most important part of finding a solution to the problems of out-of-control behavior. Once there is some

idea of which emotions set things off, the focus can then be on teaching the child a new way to handle that particular emotion.

This will be discussed in more detail later. Keeping the focus on the childs emotions and not his thinking or behavior will lead

to much better results.

Step 6: Discuss the incidentwho, what, where, when

The next step in the debriefing process is to discover the connection between the triggering emotions and the subsequent

explosion or meltdown. This requires a minute-by-minute review of what actually happened, starting with the moment and time

when everything was okay. Most times when parents or teachers are discussing an angry outburst, they begin by discussing the

explosion first. This is not nearly as effective as going back in time to when things were going okay and the child was not

angry or agitated.

The following dialogue is an example of a debriefing process. The boy in question blew up at the dinner table for no apparent

reason. These questions and answers may illustrate how the debriefing process can help reveal the emotions that trigger an


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angry outburst and how those emotions connect to a rageful incident hour later.

Example of Debriefing Dialogue:

Adult: When did you feel good today?

Child: When I was playing on the computer.

Adult: When was that?

Child: When I first got home from school.

Adult: Did you feel good in school today?

Child: Yeah, it was okay.

Adult: So everything was okay at school and you were feeling fine and playing on your computer?

Child: Yes.

Adult: Do you know when you first started feeling upset or agitated?

Child: When Jeff (brother) came in and told me to get off the computer.

Adult: Who was with you when you first started feeling bad?

Child: I was by myself until Jeff came in.

Adult: So after Jeff came in, you got upset?

Child: Yes, he told me to get off the computer.

Adult: Did that make you mad?

Child: No, I just told him I wasnt finished.

Adult: Then what did he do?

Child: He said he was going to tell Mom.

Adult: Did that make you mad?

Child: Yes, because he is always on the computer and he wont get off when I ask him to.

Adult: So did your Mother come and make you get off the computer?

Child: Yes, she always takes his side.

Adult: How does it feel when that happens?

Child: Mad.

Adult: Did you feel something other than mad before you really got mad? What if I give you a multiple choice and you

tell me which one of these feelings seems to fit how you were feeling when you first started to get upset. Were you feeling

disappointed?

Child: No

Adult: Irritated?

Child: No

Adult: Stupid?

Child: No

Adult: How about frustrated?

Child: Yes. I was feeling frustrated.


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Adult: So you were feeling frustrated.

Child: Yes, because my Mother always believes my brother instead of me.

Child: Yes.

Adult: Did you get off the computer?

Child: Yes, my Mother made me.

Adult: So then what did you do?

Child: I went outside to ride my bike.

Adult: Did you ride bikes with someone else or by yourself?

Child: By myself.

Adult: Were still feeling frustrated?

Child: No. I was just riding my bike.

Adult: When did you come back inside?

Child: When my mother called me.

Adult: What did you do when you got inside?

Child: My mother told me to wash up for dinner and I did.

Adult: Okay. Did you go to the dinner table then?

Child: Yes.

Adult: Were you still feeling frustrated when you went to the table?

Child: No. I was just hungry.

Adult: So everything was cool at that point?

Child: Uh huh.

Adult: So when did you get mad at your brother?

Child: When he bumped me.

Adult: So somehow your brother bumped you andyou just blew up and started screaming at the top our lungs?

Child: Yeah.

Adult: Did you think he wanted to hurt you?

Child: No

Adult: Is it possible that he was just reaching for something on the table?

Child: Maybe.

Adult: Maybe it is also possible that you were still mad at your Mom because she made you get off the computer so your

brother could use it. Do you think that could have been what happened?

Child: Maybe.

Adult: Did you tell your Mom that you think it was unfair that you had to get off the computer?

Child: Yes, but she said it was his turn.

Adult: Were you really mad then?

Child: Yes.


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Adult: So did you stay upset until you blew up at dinnertime; I mean while you were riding your bike?

Child:Maybe a little.

Adult: So when you sat down to dinner, you might have been a little mad or upset already?

Child: I guess so.

Adult: So when your brother bumped you, you just sort of lost it?

Note: Hours can elapse from the time an emotional reaction is set off until an actual explosion occurs. In this case, thefrustration of not being able to stay on the computer and perceiving his mothers preference for his brother set in motion

what became a major explosion hours later. Without the debriefing process, the explosion would have been perceived as

an issue this boy was having with his brother and his bad temper. Instead, it had far more to do with feeling frustrated

with his mother.

Children have very few options when they believe that a parent is being unfair. It is a lot safer to direct anger at a

brother than a mother, especially when they have already been abused or abandoned by a parent.

When a child has a healthy bridge between their emotions and their thinking process, he/she can usually handle the

disappointment or frustration they are feeling when a parent says no or sides with a sibling. Emotionally fragile

children are not able to do that. Instead, the heated emotions fire up the brain and keep it that way until something

inconsequential sets it off.

(See The ABCs Workbook: Creating a Behavior Change Plan, page 53-66 for lists of feeling words and further discussion of

healthy emotional expression)

Step 7: Focus on the emotions after the incident.

Once the connection has been made with what set things off and what actually happened, the next step is to focus on the

emotions that were generated by the blowup or meltdown. Its necessary for a child to become aware of his own emotions in

the aftermath, as well as, the emotions that triggered his anger. Many times children and teens will feel remorse after they have

lost it. The lack of remorse can be indicative of deeper more serious problems. Be careful not to jump to the conclusion about

whether or not the child feels remorse simply by how they appear to act after the fact.

Here again, the question and answer process can be very helpful. In addition to remorse, or guilt some children will feel

embarrassed or scared or ashamed. These are all very powerful feelings that can lead to further outbursts if they are not

identified and verbalized.

The following is an example of the continuation of the above debriefing:

Adult: So even though you went outside to ride your bike you really were still mad at Mom and your brother, even when

you came in for dinner.

Child: Yeah, I guess so.

Adult: Okay. So now lets go back and focus on what happened at the dinner table. Can you think what feelings you had

when your brother bumped you?

Child: I was just mad.

Adult: But you were mad because he got to use the computer when he wanted to. Not because he bumped you. Is that

right?

Child: Yes. Mom took his side.

Adult: So you were mad at Mom and your brother.

Child: Yes, because she always takes his side.

Be sure to keep the focus of your debriefing on exactly what the emotions were that triggered the explosion. It is very easy to

get sidetracked into arguing with the child because your perception of what happened and his perception can be extremely

different. For instance, it would be very easy for mom to chime in at this point and say something like, I do not always take hisside. You never want to get off the computer and you cant blame your brother for telling me because he asked you to get off

and you always refuse.

If a parent or an adult steps in to the arguing mode, all bets are off. The process will be derailed and no good will come of the

debriefing. Be careful to stay in the questioning mode. The goal is NOT to make the child see that their perceptions are


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inaccurate. The goal, at this point, is merely to determine what exactly the perceptions were that triggered the emotional

outburst. Remember the phrase:

Perceptions of reality are reality.

In the above example,perceptions of reality are reality, means that this child believes that his brother gets preferential treatment

from his mother. An objective observer may say that this is clearly not true and that the mother in this case bends over

backwards to be fair and equitable.

However, the childs beliefthat this is true is what sets the stage for an emotional outburst that appeared to come out of nowhere.

Of course I can hear you asking, What good does it do to know what prompted the outburst? We want to find out how to stop

it. That, in fact, is the next step. Going back to the above example, the child has acknowledged that he was really mad at his

mother and not necessarily his brother. The debriefing process has also revealed that he often feels that his mother takes his

brothers side. Whether or not she does show preferential treatment to the brother is not the important issue. The important

issue is that the emotional outburst was, in fact, triggered by the childs perception that she does.

Once the trigger of the emotional outbursts is discovered, an action plan can be developed to help the child find acceptable ways

to express anger and frustration about whatever it is that set him/her off. In this case, the child needs to learn two to three very

important skills. First, he needs to learn to recognize the real reason for his anger. Second, he needs to learn how to tell

someone that he is angry or his feelings are hurt. He needs to be able to use words instead of screaming or crying. During the

debriefing he was able to acknowledge that he was very mad at his mother. It is possible to train him to talk to his mother abouthis feelings without having to project that anger on to somebody else or go into an emotional fury. Naturally it is going to be

important that his mother be willing to listen and respond to his feelings and not just dismiss them because she doesnt agree.

The mother needs to acknowledge the childs feelings in the following way by saying,

Mother: So you think that I was being unfair to you?

Child: Yeah.

Mother: I am sorry that it seems that way to you.

Note that the mother in this case did not agree that she was being unfair. Acknowledgement is not agreement.

Acknowledgement merely serves the purpose of letting the angry child know that you have heard him. Once this happens, the

dialogue can continue in the direction of helping the child find an appropriate way to express his frustrations. This is the mostcritical part of the process of moving a child from rage to reason.

Step 8: Acknowledge the childs emotions.

Once the debriefing has opened a dialogue of discovery, it can be an easy transition into the problem solving and training

mode. The following dialogue illustrates how this works.

Mother: I certainly dont mean to take your brothers side but sometimes he doesnt know what to do when you wont

listen to him. Do you think it is true that sometimes you dont?

Child: Maybe.

Mother: Okay. I think that is true. Sometimes you dont always pay attention to your brother or even me. Dont you

think?

Child: Yeah, I guess so.

Mother: I also think that sometimes it must feel really bad to get that mad and lose control. You always end up getting

punished and I cant believe that it feels good to you.

Child: I dont care.

Mother: Well, I think you probably do care but you just dont know what to do instead when you first get mad. That is

what we have to work on. First, we need to figure out how you can tell when you are really mad at me and not brother.

Second, weneed to figure out how you can tell me that you are mad at me, without having a fit or taking it out on

someone else.

Note that, in this sample dialogue, the mother did not get de-railed by the childs declaration that he did not care that he was

punished for his angry outbursts. Emotionally volatile children frequently say, I dont care. Often what they mean is, I dont

know what to do or I cant help myself. It helps a great deal for parents not to respond to their declaration of not caring as

though it were a fact. This is especially true even if it seems that the child does not care. It is best to do what the mother in the


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above example did and simply say I think that you probably do care and then focus on what needs to be done to change the

situation.

If the child acknowledges that they feel bad because they lost control, so much the better. It is not necessary to say things like,

Well you should feel bad. You made everybodys life miserable for the last two hours. It is best to just acknowledge that

when we do things that arent right, we are most likely going to feel bad about it. A better response would be, I believe that

you feel bad. It is never a good feeling when a person loses their control. Dont make judgments or add a little mini lecture on

the virtues of obedience or respect or anything else at this point. Stay in the question and answer mode. Keep the focus on the

feelings and what needs to be done to help the child gain self-control.

Step 9: Discuss alternative behaviors to prevent similar outbursts from recurring.

The next step in the debriefing process is to discuss possible alternatives to losing control and screaming and crying. Here

again, a question and answer process is most effective because both you and the child need to come to an agreement about

what the child can do differently the next time. Keep in mind that if they knew what to do differently, the chances are that

they would be doing it. It is easy to assume that since they have been taught right from wrong and they know that screaming

and hitting, etc. are unacceptable, they are simply choosing not to do what they know is right. There is some truth in this

statement. They often know what is right and what is not acceptable. What they do not necessarily know is how to move

themselves from the emotional (E) centers of their brain to the thinking (T) centers of their brain so that they can choose what is

right instead of impulsively reacting in the emotion of the moment. Helping them discover how to move themselves from

emotion to thinking in their minds is essential.

Here are some questions that will help determine just how much control the child is able to exercise at a given moment. Usingthe above example of the boy who was mad at his mother and went into a rage at his brother, the following dialogue might

occur.

Father: When you came to the table, did you realize that you were in a very bad mood?

Child: Sort of.

Father: When you actually screamed at your brother, did you think it was because he bumped you or did you think it

was because you were in a bad mood?

Child: I was in a bad mood.

Father: Okay. So you were in a bad mood, but you were actually mad at your mother about the computer. So whenyour brother bumped you, did you decide to take it out on him or did it just seem to happen that way?

Child:It just happened that way.

Father: So you werent looking for a reason to fight with your brother.

Child: No, I was just in a bad mood.

This dialogue reveals that the child was not sitting at the table thinking, Whom can I scream at? Or How can I make

everybodys life miserable because I feel bad. The reality is that the emotions that had been stirred earlier were making the

thinking process impossible. Therefore, the first step in teaching the child what he could do instead is to help him realize that

he has to find ways to help himself think, even when he is mad.

The father in this example needs to have a dialogue such as:

Father: Okay, what we have to figure out is how you can help yourself think when you are in a bad mood.

Child: Yes Sir.

Father: What do you tell yourself when you get in a bad mood?

Child: I just think, It is not fair.

Father: Okay. So when you start thinking its not fair, that needs to be your signal that you might be headed for

trouble. So lets think of what you could tell yourself as soon as you start thinking that things are not fair. How about if

you tell yourself, I guess Im really mad. Say that for me--- I guess Im really mad.

Child: I guess Im really mad.

Father: Good. Good. Now, once you realize that you are really mad about something, what is the next thing that you

have to do?


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Child: Figure out why I am mad.

Father: Exactly. Good job. So in this case, why were you really mad?

Child: Cause Mom made me get off of the computer.

Father: Right again. So once you figure out that you are really mad at your Mom, what could you say to your Mom so

that you dont have a blow-up.

Child: I dont know.

Father: What if you say, Im mad at you. It is okay to say you are mad at your Mom as long as you dont scream or

be disrespectful. Also you have to remember that just because you are mad at Mom doesnt mean she is going to do

what you want. Moms have to do what they think is best but you dont always have to be happy about that.

Child: Okay.

Father: Okay, so what are you going to do the next time you find yourself thinking, Its not fair to yourself.

Child: Im going to think that Im probably mad.

Father: Then what are you going to do.

Child: I am going to tell someone that I am mad.

Father: Good. Do you need to yell and scream?

Child: No.

Father: Okay. We have a plan.

Step 10: Create an action-plan.

The beginning of an action plan was established in the above dialogue. In order for children to give up negative self-defeating

behavior, they must have a plan for an alternative behavior. The plan has to be very specific and it must be rehearsed just as the

father in the above example helped the child find words to change his self-talk.

The next step in developing a successful behavior change plan is to provide an incentive for the child that will help him or her

remember to practice the new behavior. Many parents have objections to using incentives because they believe that children

should not be rewarded for doing what they should be doing in the first place. Generally speaking, I agree. However, our goal

with emotionally volatile children is to teach them how to have control over their own emotions. Providing an incentive, which

is something that they want, for new behavior helps in two ways. First, it allows them to focus on getting or doing something

they want rather than trying to focus on NOT doing something wrong.

Even adult behavior change programs such as Weight Watchers or AA provide all kinds of rewards and incentives for members

who have achieved certain milestones in their goals towards weight loss or sobriety. There is a valid psychological reason for

this. It keeps people focused on new behavior instead of trying to control old unacceptable behavior. It is more empowering

and much more effective.

The second way incentives help is that it provides an immediate payoff for the hard work of changing old patterns. Incentivesdo not need to be elaborate nor do they need to be continued once the new behavior is established. A parent might agree that if

a child can get through a whole day or week or even a morning without having a meltdown or an explosion, the child may then

earn extra time on the computer or some one-on-one time in the rocking chair with Mom. It can even be an extra half-hour of

TV or any one of a dozen things for which that particular child might be willing to work hard. Withholding the incentive

becomes an added consequence to unacceptable behavior. This only works if the incentive is something the child is truly

excited about getting.

Also, incentives are only effective if the child has been given and practiced an alternative behavior so that when the triggering

emotion kicks in, the child is able to move to a new behavior. Make sure that the time period that is chosen for an incentive is

rather short. For instance, if a child is in the habit of having emotional breakdown or blowups two to three times every day, it

may be best to plan an incentive for getting through one-half day without a problem. Small incentives can lead to larger

incentives. For instance, once they get through an entire day, maybe there can be a little added award for making it through two

days. For more details, refer to The ABCs Workbook: Creating a Behavior Change Plan.

It has been my experience that incentives work far more effectively than punishment does for emotionally volatile children.

Incentives leave them feeling more in control whereas punishments just add to their sense of powerlessness and frustration. In

any case, punishment alone will not teach them an alternative way to handle their emotions. The goal is to teach them that they


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do have control. They just havent learned to use it effectively.

Step 11: Teach the child how to de-escalate.

Of course, the action plan is probably not going to work perfectly each and every time emotional arousal occurs. That does not

mean that it will not work in the long run. Keep the focus on the new behavior and try not to be discouraged. Sometimes the

plan has to be adjusted. For instance, a child may need more work just becoming conscious that they are starting to get upset

before they can be taught how to properly express angry emotions. Many children and adolescents are almost completely

unconscious of their emotional volatility until it has erupted. Part of what these children must learn is to recognize the signs

that they are getting upset.

One of the most common signs that a person is beginning to lose control is a change in their breathing. It may be necessary to

fall back to a position of teaching a child to focus on their breathing and to verbally coach them into slowing their breathing

down. Get the child to agree that you will be helping them pay attention to their breathing and that when you see them starting

to breathe as though they are getting angry, you will give them a verbal cue to help them remember to change their breathing.

Breathing deeply is one of the most effective ways to help re-establish the bridge between emotions and thinking. It actually

gets more oxygen to the brain and helps change brain chemistry. A verbal cue is simply saying to a child, Breathe for me.

Take a deep breath. Mirror what you are asking them to do. Speak slowly and breathe deeply yourself. Try to continue the

deep breathing with the child for at least ten seconds.

Another verbal cue is to ask them to take a step back if they are standing or even to sit down while they are breathing deeply.

Some times you can direct them to go get a drink of water or take a walk in order to help them de-escalate. The goal is alwaysto help them become aware of their own body signals that alert them that they are about to lose their control. Teaching this

awareness, though, requires someone else to do it for them at the beginning.

Step 12: Ask for agreements.

I always ask children for agreements. That way I get them to take some responsibility for achieving the goals we are all

working towards. The following dialogue illustrates how to get a child to cooperate with the learning process.

Adult: I think you have a hard time realizing when you are getting mad.

Child: Yeah.

Adult: I want to help you learn to figure that out so lets figure out what part of your body knows that you are madfirst. When you get mad, how do you look or how do you feel?

Child: (Scrunches shoulders, frowning)

Adult: Okay, so your shoulders go up and you start to frown. It also looks to me like your breathing changes. Pretend

you are getting mad.

Child: Child scrunches, frowns and growls)

Adult: Can you tell that you are sort of holding your breath?

Child: A little.

Adult: Okay, What if when I see your shoulders start to go up or your breathing start to change, I say to you, Lisa,

breathe for me; drop your shoulders.

Child: Okay.

Adult: So when I see you starting to get mad, Im going to say those words and you are going to follow my directions.

Can we agree on that?

Child: Yes.

Adult: Okay, lets practice. Pretend you are mad.

Child: (Follows directions)

Adult: Lisa, breathe and drop your shoulders.

Child: (Follows directions)

Adult: Good job. Now shake out your hands. It always helps to shake out your hands when you are mad.


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Child: (Follows directions).

Adult: Okay, do we have an agreement that I am going to help you remember when you are mad and help you

remember what to do? You can also do that on your own without me.

It is important to use a firm but nurturing tone when teaching a child new behaviors. If my tone has a cutting edge to it, the

child will simply become defensive and uncooperative. If I am nurturing and nonjudgmental, the child will feel safe and in most

incidences be willing to try new things. A nurturing tone does not mean a pleading tone or a babyish tone. It is simply a tone

that says, I trust that you are trying and that you will succeed.

Step 13: Walk the child through the thinking process.

Once you have an agreement with a child to try new anger management strategies as well as new ways to behave, such as using

words when they are angry instead of screaming or crying, then you can provide gentle reminders along the way. Most times

when adults are trying to remind a child about how they want them to behave or how they better not do something that they

have done in the past, the reminder takes the form of a threat, which is related to punishment. In other words, parents often say,

If you keep that up, you are not going to watch television tonight. Or If you dont get your homework done by 8:00, you can

forget watching TV. The tendency is always to remind the child of the negative outcome that is awaiting them if they do not

do what they are supposed to do. We have all done this. The problem is that this usually does not work with emotionally

volatile children.

What does work is to walk them through the thinking process. The following are excerpts from my books, Good Kids,

Difficult Behavior and The ABCs Workbook. They outline for you the very subtle but powerful difference between predictinga future outcome and describing for the child how they will feel if they do not make a good decision.

Remember: When feelings are intense, thinking is impaired. Walk them through the thinking process.

Difficult children frequently act on impulse. This is absolutely true when they are emotionally aroused. None of us do our best

thinking when we are upset or angry, but difficult children do not think at allwhen they are stressed. You can help them engage

their own thinking processes by walking them through the thinking process. Essentially you think with them. This is nottelling

them what to think but saying the words you want them to be saying to themselves if they were able to think clearly.

This is powerful communication strategy that depends on the use of word pictures and feeling language. You can use this

strategy anytime you want to help a child make a good choice or get him to see the connection between his here and now

behavior and future consequences.

Setting the Stage:

1. Identify her strengths

2. Affirm her strengths

3. Affirm her ability to make a good decision

Tell her: I know that you are very smart or creative or _________, and I am confident that you can make a good decision.

4. If he is upset or angry---Give him time to cool down.

You may need to talk him down by affirming his angry feelings and reassuring him that he can calm down and you will help him

work things out.

Walk her through the thinking process.

1. Acknowledge the feelingsyours and hers.

Acknowledgment is NOT agreement.

Example:

I understand youre upset and I feel bad for you and want to help you.

We can work this out.

I understand you hate this work and I know its hard but I have confidence

you can do it.

I feel frustrated about this too, but we can figure it out.


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2. Help him articulate his feelings.

Example

It seems like you must be feeling worried that you cant do this. Its OK to be worried. Its not OK to throw your

desk over. You can just say, I dont like this and I am mad.

3. Identify choices and consequences.

4. Describe (NOT PREDICT) in detailwhat you think she will experience as a

consequence of her choice.

5. Acknowledge that a bad decision may feel good at the moment. It may

even feel good to keep acting out at the time, but it may not feel as good in

the end when the consequences come or the incentive is lost.

Walking them through the thinking process is different than telling them what they should be thinking. It leads them through a

thoughtful consideration of what they are doing, what their choices are, and what could happen depending on the choices they

make. This can work even when you are trying to defuse a potentially volatile situation. To say Calm down! to someone who

is extremely agitated often serves to make them even angrier. If, on the other hand, you say Its OK to back off now or even

You can cool down now, you can help them engage their own thinking process. In one case, you are giving a command,which may invite defiance; in the other, you are saying words you want them to be saying to themselves. It is the difference

between giving someone directions and saying, Here, let me show you.

Ask yourself what do you want the child to think? For instance, do you want them to think, If I keep doing this, Im going to

get in trouble? If so, say, You can keep doing what youre doing, but if you do, you will _____________ (describe what

could happen). Outline their choices with them. Remember that threatening these children does not work as a deterrent to

misbehavior.

It merely invites more trouble. This may seem like a fine distinction but it is a very important one and can make all the

difference in a childs response.

Step 14: Celebrate success.

Learning to control ones temper is hard work for everyone involved. Be sure and take every opportunity to celebrate, in small

ways, and big, when a child successfully handles anger and frustration. Let them know how proud you are when they articulate

their anger appropriately or calm themselves down or make a good decision when you are walking them through the thinking

process. Be sure to compliment the hard work and not the child. For example, say You did such a good job of handling that

situation. Great going, I knew you could do it. It isnt as effective to say, See what a good boy you are. You just needed to

try harder. When you praise the work the child has done, you help them feel proud.

A Final Word

All of the above is based on the premise that the adult who is helping the child is in emotional control himself or herself. When

you are trying to build bridges from rage to reason, it is not a good time to express your own frustration toward the child or to

remind the child how often and how many ways they have failed in the past. It is not a time to tell the child how they haveoffended you or hurt your feelings. These may be appropriate topics of discussion, but they should not be done during a

debriefing process or when you are attempting to get an agreement for trying new behavior or setting up a new plan of action.

It is impossible to teach a child how to control their emotional outbursts if one is unable to do so oneself. If you, as a parent or

professional working with a troubling child, have reached a point where you arent sure that you can maintain your equilibrium

while trying new strategies such as the ones outlined in this course, then give yourself time and permission to take a break or

seek support.

Parents who are living with emotionally volatile children are often frazzled. It is easy to understand why. Sometimes they

themselves lose control of their emotions. Sometimes they feel a lot of guilt or resentment toward the child. All of these

feelings are understandable. Parents need support too. There are organizations and professionals who are able to provide that

kind of support and parents need to feel good about reaching out to others. Seeking support and help sets a good example for

children. It says to them, See, everyone needs help at times. It is okay to ask for help.

I am keenly aware that this course may seem to the reader as an over-simplification of the intense reality of dealing with rageful

children. This course is meant to provide a new view of a troubling reality as well as some practical suggestions. The most

difficult part of any change process is actually doing something different than one has done in the past. Even the attempt to try


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new strategies or approaches can be amazingly effective. I encourage you to make that attempt.

For further information on dealing with difficult behavior, please see the following:

Good Kids, Difficult Behavior: What Works and What Doesnt

Joyce E. Divinyi

The ABCs Workbook: Creating a Behavior Change Plan That Works

Joyce E. Divinyi

Discipline That Works: 5 Simple Steps

Joyce E. Divinyi

Books may be ordered at: www.thehumanconnection.net

Click here for The Bridge From Rage To Reason: Coaching Traumatized Children to Think Before

They Act Test. Must be completed in order to receive training certificate.


rage to reason

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