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To , Do: Fall inLove - .;. , . %. -%. . . ",;- LESSONS Makinglists . , .. helps , . . . not only with life's mundanef&sbutals,o ' ,t. .

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WRITTEU BY REBECCA BAHRY PHOT06BAPHS EY CEDRIC ANMLES

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I HAVE ALWAYS LOVBD LISTS. My UStS, hectic-looking things done in cramped , cursive, all the house. On an MCI en&lope:"tb.do: Call Pttti;Ca to Syntcmt. Sendthank-yous to G.mama andAunt Weezie? On thehack of a receiptfrom fhs gioowystore:Â¥Byftidw:QinSrigitu Kun.CallDad about Ole train.

What'snot totow about essentialto our well-feeing. help organile our days, reia OWbfflSiput offwoifeing00 use them to help us feelimponunt howbuayIaroQwineontna(wlwnw~~~~ offUiing~:.we'TO done)., '

M y most life-changing Bet, howtver, via one Icame upwith at a bar while W4kin.g qmy (nend Lynn.!â WRÈ fullnight, and we hadgotten tired of discussing the bar- tender's sex Hf*, so we'd mewed on to our own. I had just b x h up with someone anddecided that I wxn't breuTang up with anyone a@:-It's too htnl," I 8rid;"'~wn the Hate breakups make you feel like htll." The next man I went out with, I decided, was going to be my husband. Lynn ~ i t e d me what I wanted

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men there can dance," aim said. "And they cantwait togetmaittad* . .

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38, a designer in Los Angeles. Her to-do

list philosophy: "Put everything on one list

and save ail the lists for future reference."

Right: A list from Monica Friel, 36,

owner of Chaos To Order, a home and

office organizing service in Chicago.

Her to-do list philosophy: "If you don't schedule your to-do's, they won't

get done."

I didn't move to Texas, but that list made a home for itself in my psyche. It didn't stop me from dating men I wouldn't many, but I began to look at them differently. Good dancer, not really land enough, I'd think. Or,Very kind.Very nice dancer. Oops-likes to drink a little too much.

This is the real beauty of a list: Once you make it, it begins to take on a life of its own. "Research shows that writing down what you want to have happen in your life gives you a much greater chance of having your goals come true compared to some- body who doesn't write down her goals," says Martha Beck, Ph.D., author of Finding Your Own North Star: Claiming the Life You Were Meant to Liue (Three Rivers Press, $14).

It's one of the reasons many therapists and career counselors~all kinds of experts-like us to write things down. Articulating our desires makes us commit to them. Here's where "the list"+ list of all the things you want to do with your life, from your wildest dreams (be in a Robert Altman film) to the more concrete

Writing a list can "force you to sit down and start daydreaming."

(learn to play the piano)~comes in. Pick a time when you have a few hours

to yourself, with no one around to influence what you write. Make a cup of coffee or tea; sit down with paper and pen in a warm, cozy spot. Don't make your list on a com- puter.You'l1 give it more weight if it's in permanent ink, in your own handwriting, on a good piece of paper.

Once you're set up, let your mind go wherever it wants. "The best argument for one of these lists is that they force you to sit down and start daydreaming," says Sasha Cagen, founder and coeditor of TO-DO List magazine. Come up with a few things you would do if you had no limits. "Even if I have a wildly improbable goal, I write it down," says Beck. " ~ t becomes an enormous amount of fun when you realize that these things actually start to happen."

Once you've dreamed up several big wishes, think of some that are more obvi- ously doable. If you have "Own a pair of Jimmy Chw shoes" next to "Get a Ph.D.," great "That way you can cross off a few of

1\ff0 years after I made that list of things I wanted in a husband, I met him.

Above: From Kate the more easily achievable things," says Zink, 26, a teacher Cagen, "giving yourself momentum to

in Philadelphia. Her tackle the more challenging ones." to-do list philosophy: Make sure the list is coming from your

"Write it down on truest self, not from a part of you that is whatever is responding to other people's expectations.

convenient." "A lot of us think we want to have experi- ences when what we really want is to impress or please other people," says Beck. "I have a lot of clients who say, 'Oh, of course I want to have children,' but if they look at it, they really don't. It's just that society expects every woman to have children, and if you don't want children, you're considered kind of defective."

Some intangible personal goals should be on your list. Mixed in with the cross- off-able ("Take an opera tour of Europe") are more behavioral things ("Learn to say no").You don't always have to do those things, but they work nicely as reminders of the kind of person you want to be.

"What was interesting for me was that task-oriented goals mixing with the per- sonal goals-like 'Be a grateful daughter'- made everything seem more manageable," says Kate Oestreich, 27, a teacher in Columbus, Ohio. "I think I am a grateful daughter, but I like having the reminder there because it's so easy to take your par- ents for granted. I also put down'Gossip less," Oestreich adds. "Ha ha."

Once you've made your list, put it somewhere private. "Not on the refrigera- tor or the bulletin board," says Cagen. "Find a more personal, sacred space." Your beside table or your journal or a photo album. Then let it sit. "Don't look

at it more often than every six months," Cagen adds.

You can use the list as a reference point on your birthday. Or when you're at a crossroads-if you're heartbroken, for example, or you've just been let go from work. "It's a great way to anchor yourself when you're at a loss," says Oestreich. "You think, Oh yes, at some point I was feeling good, and I had these ideas, and they're still part of me. Maybe I should pick up one of those right now."

BUT HERE'S WHY Ireallybelieve in this kind of list: Two years after I made that list of things I wanted in a husband, I met a man at work who was unbelievably kind. I knew this because no one could say a bad word about him, and because when he laughed (which he does often), it was a rich, full, genuine laugh. You couldn't meet this man and not notice his beautiful laugh. And whenever he was around, I found myself blushing. At first it happened occasionally, like when he asked me about my ex-boyfriend, and then it started happening all the time. Sometimes it was enough to hear his voice in the corridor and my face would start to burn. Finally, one day we were sitting in the office and it was about time to go home, so I asked him if he wanted a drink from the bottle of bourbon I kept in my desk. He said, '"Oh. Maker's Mark. Sure. I won a bottle of that in a dance contest once." I married him, of course. And ever since then, if I want something from this life, I write the sucker down.