recovering true selfrecovering true self an essential paradigm shift for all healing and recovery...
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Recovering True Selfan essential paradigm shift for
all healing and recovery
Sandra Felt, LCSW, BCD
TrueSelfMatters.com
Beyond the Good-Girl Jail:
When You Dare to Live from Your True Self
Recovering True Self:
an essential paradigm shift for all healing and recovery
Sandra Felt, LCSW, BCD
CCSAD -- September 14, 2017
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Sandra Felt,
LCSW, BCD
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Today’s objectives
To describe how early developmental trauma affects the
development of a person’s true self.
To identify and assess the strength of a client’s true self
when it emerges during client sessions.
To identify 6 effective strategies for reconnecting with
and strengthening a client’s true self.
To illustrate how returning home to live from the true
self is an essential paradigm shift for all healing and
recovery.
What is the true self?
That authentic little voice deep within
that refuses to be ignored,
driving us to fully heal and live our own life
--no matter what.
The point of reference from which
we experience and interpret life, the center.
What is the true self?
“The voice of soul in the solar plexus
that spins the thread of our own truth”
– Sue Monk Kidd
Always there; can never be destroyed.
Our spiritual core.
Not greedy, selfish, or narcissistic.
What If?What if there really is a me inside?A self who is all me—and mine?A unique set of quirks and qualitiesTo claim and develop?To live from and through—and be?What if I already have the rightAnd enough roomTo be who I am?What if I’m already here,Capable of living my own life?What if I’m actually meant to beThis me I already am—My piece of the universal puzzle?What if it’s truly okayTo dance, to dance in daffodils,Fully expressing all that is?And all that oozes through my soul?What if I refuse to missThe possibilities of my own truth?
by Sandra Felt
Is it important?
“I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself,
not the life others expected of me.”
The Top Five Regrets of the Dying
by Bronnie Ware
Why true self is relevant
Feel safe
Feel solid and real
Spiritual integrity
Stay in our body
being adult
Aware of our feelings
Make choices that fit
Feel loving
Recognize boundaries
Express needs
Time alone okay
Adapt to changes
Can let go
Allow goodness
Heal trauma/addictions
Fully alive
Clues true self is underdeveloped
Feel empty, worthless, invisible.
NO ME LEFT! – Is this all there is?
Frustrated from trying to please others.
Trying hard to do things right.
Not sure they exist; feel little, lost, dying.
Nobody listens, nobody cares.
Can’t tolerate being alone, being left, letting go.
Life is meaningless; might be suicidal.
Difficulty allowing pleasure and joy.
Clues true self is underdeveloped
Seek to fill emptiness from the outside.
Overly involved with children or work.
Get lost in relationships – merge with others.
Easily influenced by others, used by others.
Difficulty saying “no.”
Act differently in different situations.
Can’t tolerate disapproval or anger.
Difficulty leaving an abusive relationship.
Addictions common.
How undernourished is your true self?
1. Do you feel empty inside?
2. Do you keep wondering is this all there is?
3. Do you feel invisible, ignored, or not listened to?
4. Do you “disappear” into relationships, work, your
children, or addictions?
5. Do you have difficulty letting go of other people?
6. Do you pretend to be okay when you are not?
Full assessment tool and other handouts available at
TrueSelfMatters.com.
Where is the true self?
“The Good-Girl Jail”
by Alice McClelland
So, what happened?
What is developmental trauma?
Incident trauma = a threatening experience too
overwhelming to escape from or to deal with fully on
an emotional level at the time.
Developmental trauma = a threatening experience
that occurs before we can remember that interrupts
the developmental tasks of attachment and
individuation.
Trauma is always defined from the victim’s perspective.
Developmental task: attachment
Attachment styles – John Bowlby.
Secure =“mommy” responds reliably when needed.
Sensitive, loving, reliable, consistent, serves as anchor.
Insecure =“mommy” ignores, rejects or ridicules.
Insensitive, judgmental, perhaps annoyed.
Resistant =“mommy” unpredictable or inconsistent.
Overwhelmed, self-centered.
Disorganized =“mommy” not available emotionally.
Dissociated, depressed, addicted, controlling, mixed
messages.
80-90% of our clients – Mary Main
Related research
Dan Siegel, PhD. – disorganized attachment.
Allan Schore, PhD. – attunement, bonding.
Janae B. Weinhold, PhD. – LOVEvolution: a heart-
centered approach for healing developmental trauma.
Edward Tronick, PhD.
Research with infants and mothers.
Child dissociates with either:
Too much stimulation.
A “stone face.”
Developmental task: individuation
Involves first sensing there are other people.
If others feel safe → individuate without judging.
Needs of both can be met if child concludes “and.”
Reference point = true self but room for all.
If others are a threat → hide/protect true self.
Needs of only one can be met if child concludes “or.”
Perpetrator vs. victim → DUALITY is created.
Reference point = others – the “traumatic disconnect.”
True self goes into hiding and quits developing.
“Survivor Mode”
The Birth of Self Sufficiency
My little arms ache
With the pain of reaching
Into the emptiness,
That endless silence of a cold steel tomb.
“Hey...hello!
Is...anybody...there?”
I reach and reach,
Still no response.
“Where are you?”
Echoes from the canyon walls
Remind me that I answer myself.
“I can’t do this all by myself, you know.
Do I have to hold myself?”
In this vacuum of caresses,
I hear a hopeless, “yes.”
Yes, I guess I do.
And I wonder,
Do I really even exist?
by Sandra Felt
The original “traumatic disconnect”
Simple language
Key = caregiver not responsive when needed.
Child’s reference point shifts from self to others.
Involves adapting to the expectations of others.
We do whatever is required to be safe.
Cannot remember why/when we disconnected.
Can tell something happened.
Affects all relationships.
Possible to return to living from the true self.
Underbelly of healing from trauma and addiction.
Some key questions
When did you quit asking for what you need?
When you were hurting, how were you comforted?
What did you always want but could never get enough of?
How are you still trying to get that?
What we know now
“Change occurs when one becomes
what she is,
not when she tries to become
what she is not.”
Ruth P. Freedman
Each Day a New Beginning
Recognizing the true self
Awakening moments – surprises.
Have you thought about this?
Secret joys and hopes.
Gentle taps on the shoulder.
What do you really care about?
What do you really want to do?
When we listen at a deeper level,
we hear a deeper truth.
The Y in the Road
Reconnecting with the true self
Listen for safety.
Take action to create own safety.
Listen to the body.
Responding to physical sensations.
Listen to feelings.
Distinguish from thoughts and behavior (handout)
Processing feelings (handout).
The 3 essential self skills:
The language of the true self
Rebuilding the true self
Utilize time alone.
Putzing, mindless activities.
Make active choices – proactive rather than reactive.
Y in the road.
Brainstorming at least 3 options.
Update core beliefs.
Flashbacks = unfinished business (handout).
Re-interpret the data.
Sure-fire strategies for
strengthening the true self
Returning to live from the true self
Experience self and others instead of choosing.
Boundaries develop → appropriately assertive.
See more options and make choices that fit.
More joy, loving, pleasure; less fear, doubt, confusion.
“Standing in our truth.”
Safety patterns soften; feel more alive.
Claim what fits and let go of the rest (handout).
a paradigm shift for life
(can be terrifying)
Some Things MatterThere is a me—
Of course there is,And I matter.
My needs matter.My truth matters.
My feelings matter.Of course they do!
How could I think otherwise?There’s something significant here
In my existence,Something important about my birth
Into this lifetime.I’m not always sure what it is,
But I know it’s important,That it matters,That I matter.
And yes, I finally now genuinely matter…to me!
by Sandra Felt
bignaturalhair
How can therapists relate to clients
to purposely invite and strengthen
the true self?
Remember…
the “traumatic disconnect”
My concern
Are we inviting clients to reconnect
with and strengthen their true self
OR
are we reinforcing their
protective adaptive safety patterns?
Therapeutic outcome research
“Therapeutic alliance is now recognized as
the most accurate indicator of
therapeutic outcome,
not the treatment modality.”
Scott Miller, PhD.
The Heart and Soul of Change
The basic power differential
in any helping, healing relationship is
the same as
the power differential
in developmental trauma!
Like it or not…
We step right into the relationship
at the point clients have disconnected
from their true self.
If we want to create permanent change,
we need to invite clients into a different system
that strengthens
their true self.
a paradigm shift
for all healing and recovery
Traits of a “system”
A way of organizing thought.
The way we believe it is—our truth.
Not necessarily the truth.
Learned and therefore can be relearned.
Different for different groups of people.
Everyone tends to know the dominant system.
The dominant system of relationships
The dominant system = duality, hierarchy
With authority - “one up” – judge, control, win.
With passivity – “one down” – give in, lose.
The same system creates the same responses.
Reinforces transference and triggers flashbacks
and safety patterns.
Dualityonly one way of thinking
for more info…
No Boundary: Eastern and Western Approaches
to Personal Growth
by Ken Wilber
Examples of duality
Good--------------Bad
Us------------------Them
Work--------------Play
Parent-------------Child
Win----------------Lose
Right---------------Wrong (or Left)
Dead---------------Alive
In control---------Out of control
Powerless---------Powerful
Likely origin of duality
No trauma Developmental trauma
Secure attachment
Individuation
Equally valued
Feel safe
Live from true self
Disorganized attachment
“Traumatic Disconnect”
Dominated
Not safe → hypervigilant
Live from DUALITY
Why duality is relevant
disconnect→ duality→ judge→ control→ conflict→ abuse
The two parts of any relationship
(1) The Role Connection
The content – what we talk and relate about.
The reason there is any relationship at all.
Sets structure and framework of the relationship.
Job duties – rules, policies, expectations,
responsibilities.
Left-brain connection.
The two parts of any relationship
(2) The Interpersonal Connection
The process – how we relate.
What part of us relates to the other person.
What we connect to in the other person.
Adds meaning to the role relationship.
Creates a team.
Integrity and ethical issues become important.
Right-brain connection.
The most effective healing connection
Role and interpersonal aspects balance.
Content and process are both valued.
Alliance = a bridge between two entities.
Both people are valued.
Creates a coherent, effective therapeutic team.
Mutual goals and purposes.
Boundaries of both are consistently honored.
The power of and – 1+1=2+
How do we know?
How know when connected
Our feedback = client’s behavior: shares more, feels
more, asks questions, takes risks in the relationship,
makes progress, fewer power struggles.
We feel calm, clear, grounded, understood, relaxed.
We both can work as a team on the treatment goals,
rather than try to control the relationship to be safe.
right-brain attunement
on an adult level
Therapy vs. friendship
Power differential No power differential
Meet the client’s needs
Legal responsibilities
Client pays therapist
Expectation for change
No sex
Relationship will end
Meet needs of both
No legal responsibilities.
Money not expected
Change not expected
Sex not expected
No expectation of
ending the relationship
Which system?
The dominant system = duality
One-up/one-down hierarchy; us or them; you or me.
Disconnect → duality → judge → control → abuse
(or trigger).
A more effective alternative system
Spiritual Equals.
Individuate → equally valued → team → true self/heal.
What can we trust in our clients?
Spiritual Equals
“Behind all differences of talents, merits, and social
advantages there is some characteristically human
nature by virtue of which all men are equal.”
The Encyclopedia of Philosophy
3 Ways to Relate to Clients
One-Up One-Down Spiritual Equals
Beliefs I am better than
you; have more
power than you.
You are better than
me; have more
power than I do.
We are equally
valued and
powerful. One
being powerful does
not make the other
less powerful.
I am right; you are
wrong.
You are right; I am
wrong.
We can both be
right and
experience things
differently.
3 Ways to Relate to Clients
One-Up One-Down Spiritual Equals
Beliefs I can control you
and I intend to.
It is possible but
not desirable to
control others
There is no need to
try to control
others; it is not
even possible.
I get to tell you
what to do.
I need you to tell
me what to do.
We are each always
responsible for our
own choices and
needs.
Balance Role dominates. Relationship
dominates.
Role and
relationship are
balanced.
3 Ways to Relate to Clients
One-Up One-Down Spiritual Equals
Therapist Behaviors Criticize, judge.
Interrupt, blame.
Abandon.
Shame, punish.
Rigid policies.
Break promises.
Tell what to do.
Keep in therapy.
Be passive.
Extend limits.
Give in.
Avoid conflict.
Lie for client.
Please client.
Manipulate.
Get burned out.
Be assertive.
Walk the walk.
Listen carefully.
Smile.
Support client’s
right to choose.
Brainstorm.
Use questions.
Work as a team.
Keep promises.
Apologize.
3 Ways to Relate to Clients
One-Up One-Down Spiritual Equals
Therapist’s
Language
I’m right.
That’s okay, but…
You should…
Your goals are…
Next time all A’s
Your diagnosis is…
You’re hopeless.
Call me anytime.
I’ll make an
exception.
Please forgive me.
It doesn’t matter.
I don’t care.
I give up.
What are you
feeling right now?
Sorry I hurt you.
What do you want
to work on today?
We make a good
team.
Silence.
3 Ways to Relate to Clients
One-Up One-Down Spiritual Equals
How Therapist
Feels
Powerful, important,
successful, in
control.
Insecure, trapped,
intimidated, self-
protective, drained,
exhausted,
burned out.
Safe, secure,
comfortable,
connected,
enlivened.
Client’s Response
(our feedback)
Triggered,
rebellious,
manipulative,
dishonest,
power struggles,
trapped, defensive.
Confused, avoid
issues, unsafe,
difficulty leaving
therapy, take care of
therapist.
Free to grow and
change, safe, laugh,
strong true self, free
to leave therapy.
3 Ways to Relate to Clients
One-Up One-Down Spiritual Equals
How Define
Success
Power, money,
status, control,
saving lives, clients
become like
therapist, clients
do what we want
them to do.
Clients like us,
admire us, depend
on us, want to be
our friends.
Clients become
able to make their
own choices and
pursue them.
Clients keep
growing on own.
Client’s true self
becomes strong.
Use of Self
Disclosure
I did it right. Why
can’t you?
I need your help
and support.
This is one
example.There are
also others.
Getting pulled into one-up
Role responsibilities interfere
Client crises—suicide, relapse, hospitalize.
I’m the first person to be trusted.
Clients wants a friendship.
Struggling with our own need to control.
Client invites a power struggle.
Getting pulled into one-down
Client asks for exceptions.
We don’t know what to do.
Very needy, dependent client.
Need to prove that we care.
Intimidating or manipulative client.
Ways to step out of power struggles
Sit quietly; ground yourself; breathe.
Don’t engage in the power struggle.
Trust client is doing best s/he can.
Ride the waves together as a team.
Remember the Serenity Prayer.
Stay with feelings rather than thoughts.
Brainstorm options.
Ask open-ended questions.
Asking open-ended questions
What would help you feel safer right now?
What are you aware of in your body?
What’s going on inside you right now?
What are you feeling right now?
What do you need?
What would be helpful?
What fits you? What feels right?
If we want to create permanent change,
we need to invite clients
into a different system
that strengthens their true self.
The dominant system
disconnect→ duality→ judge→ control→ conflict→ abuse
A system of spiritual equals
individuated→ equally valued→ safe→ trust→ team→
live from true self→ heal trauma→ recover from addictions
A paradigm shift for all healing
Emphasize equally valued (rather than duality).
Trust client doing best can (rather than judge).
Team with client (rather than control).
Strengthen true self to heal (rather than trigger flashbacks and reinforce survival mode.
Listen to need for safety.
Listen to the body.
Listen to feelings.
Utilize time alone.
Make proactive choices.
Update core beliefs.
Finally SafeAm I safe yet?
After a lifetime of being on guard,Watching the door and lying low?
Watching, watching, always the alert guard dogProtecting the sacred and vulnerable me.
Now I know that Grandpa,Long dead and gone, can no longer get me.
Mom can no longer criticize my hairAnd end up stabbing me in my heart.
I finally know I am loved for being me.I finally know I am loving, too,
And that I can openly share my loving With my cat, my lover, my friends, and my garden.
I feel at home in my precious nest.My sunrise walks bathing me in a peachy-pink neon glow.
As I awaken my soul, eager for another day,I feel tenderly cradled in the Great Mother’s arms.
Life is good, and dying will be okay.I am okay—just as I am.
I breathe, I sigh, I laugh, I cry.Oh yes…I am finally safe.
by Sandra Felt
TrueSelfMatters.com
Thank you!