Fresh and new, without bias or distorted perception, new life brought into existance, welcomed me fourth into the world, surrounded me with it's mystery and warmth brought fourth and embraced as a precious vessle, without price. The memories from those days, the distance it seems from here. The distance I've wandered, and drifted. The changes that have happened within and through me, and surrounding me as well. The joy and the sorrow, every moment ever changing, rising and falling, lifting me up as a child into the bliss of purity and wellbeing, indivisible from his presense. ALways close, all encompasing, all pervading, ever accepting, ever loving and holding close, holding high. Nothing could separte us, in that time, those days of discovery, and youth with it vigor and childlike contentment. All things were mine to discover, the pursuit of my being, mine to uncover. The depth of his love surrounding my freewill, surrounding my being and embracing my choice, seeking my presense and devotion, seeking my awareness of his hand in all things. I look back and consider my worth, I remember the feeling, it's warmth and its worth. The way the light would light up my existance, the same light would shine from within outward, out of my being, and out of my eyes. My heart lay bare, tender, as all childrens do. I consider those days, thier worth, the blessing and gift they were. A thousand memories, ten thousand feelings, and more and more to discover each day, something new, mysterious. All came from his hand, from the depth of his being as a gift and a blessing to awaken my heart to his love and his desire to create in me the same essence, unexplicable depths of emotion and adoration, true feeling from inside, always growing and regenerating new love from within. The feelings, so many lay in the depth of my memory. The ones more recent I'd much rather forget, leave behind without a second though. Percieving the good I was granted without merit as a child, the purity and essence of his being, I understand the gift now, when I consider who I've been, and the distance I've wandered from that wholeness, without sin. Looking inside, it hurts, the pain sometimes, shattered essences and doubt, all the result of free will, the outcome of being given that gift in love. Looking back with longing in my memory to return to that state, I still feel the newness of the fresh life that surrounded me, which was me, then, before darkness became an awareness and a burden, a challence to overcome. Who would have seen that coming, when all you had lived was his essence, his spirit, his all encompasing presence? The change so subtle, so gradual overtime. New experiences, always mysterious, always thought as okay. Welcomed with enthusiasm, seeking new contentment, the path of life in your way, then along comes a choice of death to sway, to alienate you from your identity, and essence of truth, distorting reality creating another you. Who asked for this? Was this the gift? Do blessing turn into curses in a matter of minutes, of days, or years? Reality comes in bundles down here, of Joy and of tears, Brokeness and fears, Contentment and peace, anxiety and regret. All of these have been felt and I consider it's purpose. I consider my faults, my weaknesses and doubts...... Tommorow's another day...And our creator works in mysterious ways..So I pray for the past to heal, as well as my present being, seeking realignment, in my life and my dreams, perception and hopes. All things are granted to those who ask in his name, so that the father may be glorified. Are you a mess? You're not alone..... Pray