Relationships: Healthy versus Unhealthy

EDGC 669November 2012Tamatha Meade

Objectives

• To understand the risk factors and warning signs associated with teen dating violence.

• To realize our role, as counselors, in promoting healthy relationships.

Healthy Relationships

• Healthy dating relationships should start with the same ingredients that healthy friendships have, such as good communication, honesty, and respect.

• Work on spending time apart from your boyfriend/girlfriend so that you not only can have a healthy relationship with the person you are dating, but also with your friends and family.

Healthy RelationshipsTips for starting a dating relationship and ways to stay safe.

• Get to know a person by talking on the phone or at school before you go out with them for the first time.

• Go out with a group of friends to a public place the first few times you are spending time together.

• Be clear with the other person about what you feel comfortable doing and what time your parents/guardians expect you to be home.

Ways to stay safe (cont.)

• Plan fun activities for you and your “friend” to do, such as going to the movies, the park, the mall, etc.

• Tell at least one friend and especially your parents where you are going, who you will be with, and how to reach you.

Characteristics of a healthy relationship

• Treat each other with respect.• Feeling secure and comfortable with each

other.• Are not violent with each other.• Can resolve conflicts to each person’s

satisfaction.• Both people enjoy the time spent together.• Both people support one another.

Characteristics of a healthy relationship (cont.)

• Both people take an interest in each other’s lives (health, family, work, friends, etc.)

• Both people respect the other person’s privacy.• Both people trust each other.• Both people communicate openly and clearly.• Both people retain a sense of identity (have and

keep their own e-mail, phone calls, letters, etc.).

Characteristics of healthy relationships (continued)

• Both people make healthy decisions concerning the use of drugs and/or alcohol.

• Both people encourage and keep other friendships.

• Both people realize that there are more good times in the relationship than bad.

• Both people show an appreciation for one another.

Characteristics of a healthy relationship (cont.)

• Establish a pattern of apologizing if you make a mistake or hurt the other person’s feelings.

• The other person will trust you more if he/she knows that the other person will take responsibility for their words and actions.

• Willingness to compromise.• Don’t ignore difficult topics or disagreements. If

constructively resolved, the relationship can be strengthened.

8 basic steps for maintaining a healthy relationship

• 1. Be aware of what you and the other person want for yourselves and what you want/expect from the relationship.

• 2. Let one another know what your needs are.• 3. Realize that your partner will not be able to

meet all your needs.• 4. Be willing to negotiate and compromise on

the things you want from one another.

Steps for maintaining a healthy relationship (cont.)

• 5. Do not demand that a person change to meet all your expectations. Work to accept the differences between your ideal mate and the real person you are dating.

• 6. Try to see things from the other’s point of view. Both people should try to understand and respect each other’s differences, points of views, and separate needs.

Steps for maintaining a healthy relationship (cont.)

• 7. When there are critical differences between you, try to work honestly and sincerely to negotiate. Don’t wait until the situation becomes critical to ask for help.

• 8. Do your best to treat your partner in a way that says “I love you and trust you, and I want to work this out.”

Characteristics of Violent Youth

• The only sure predictor of violence is previous violence.

• Children watch others and try out new behaviors.• Children learn what they can and can’t get away with

in their world.• When children express early signs of verbal and

physical aggression and violence, they’re more likely to progress to more serious acts if they’re not challenged or taught that such behavior is unacceptable (Callahan, C.).

Characteristics of Violent Youth

• The environment in which a child lives may contribute to violence and aggression.

• Each time a child commits an act of violence or aggression unchallenged, it makes the next act easier to commit.

• As children become more aggressive and violent, they lose warnings from their conscience and feelings of compassion.

Characteristics of Violent Youth (cont.)

• If the kids have come from backgrounds where they have been shown little caring or compassion, they have no role model to follow and they haven’t been shaped to respond to frustration in a non-aggressive or non-violent manner.

Warning signs a child is on the verge of slipping into early levels of aggression

• Unusual or changed behavior on the part of the child.

• Begins failing classes.• Change in attendance.• Decreased productivity.• Fascination with guns, weapons, violence, and

crime (video games, too).• Patterns of making excuses, blaming others, failing

to accept responsibility for personal actions.

What is teen dating violence?Why does it occur?

• “Dating violence refers to a pattern of actual or threatened acts of physical, sexual, and/or emotional abuse perpetrated by an adolescent against a current or former dating partner”(www.faithtrustinstitute.org).

• Dating violence usually occurs in order to gain power and maintain control over their dating partner.

Teen Dating Violence Statistics• In a nationwide survey, 9.8% of high school students

report being hit, slapped, or physically hurt on purpose by their boyfriend or girlfriend in the 12 months prior to the survey.(Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 2009 Youth Risk Behavior Survey).

• About 1 in 5 women and nearly 1 in 7 men who ever experienced rape, physical violence, and/or stalking by an intimate partner, first experienced some form of partner violence between 11 and 17 years of age (CDC and Prevention, 2010 National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey).

Teen Dating Violence Statistics (cont.)

• Dating violence victimization can be a precursor for intimate partner violence (IPV).

• An estimated 5.3 million IPV incidents occur each year, resulting in approximately 2 million injuries and 1,300 deaths (data from the 2003 Youth Risk Behavior Survey).

• 1 in 11 high school students reported physical dating violence (PDV) victimization in the year before the survey. (1.5 million high school students nationwide).

• 1 in 3 adolescent girls will be in a physically abusive relationship by the time she graduates from high school (www.abcnews.go.com).

Is This Abuse?

• “Dating abuse is a pattern of destructive behaviors used to exert power and control over a dating partner”(www.loveisrespect.org).

• Dating violence usually involves a series of abusive behaviors over a course of time.

• Sometimes it can be hard to tell when a behavior crosses the line from healthy to unhealthy or even abusive.

Warning signs that the relationship is going in the wrong direction

• Checking your cell phone or email without permission.• Constantly putting you down.• Extreme insecurity or jealousy.• Explosive temper.• Isolating you from your family or friends.• Making false accusations.• Mood swings.• Physically hurting you in any way.• Possessiveness• Telling you what to do

Types of Abuse

• *Each type of abuse is serious and nobody deserves to experience any form of it.*

• Physical abuse: Can include very aggressive acts, such as hitting you, slapping you, pinching you, shoving, biting, strangling, kicking, beating, or using a weapon on you.

• Emotional/Verbal abuse: The abuser constantly humiliates and puts down the victim. Verbal insults, threats, control of physical activity, unfounded accusations of infidelity, control of economic decisions, and social isolation.

Types of Abuse (continued)

• Digital abuse: Using texting and social networking to bully, harass, stalk or intimidate a partner. (often verbal or emotional abuse perpetrated through technology).

• Sexual abuse: Any action that impacts a person’s ability to control their sexual activity or the circumstances in which sexual activity occurs, including restricting access to birth control or condoms.

Power and Control

• At the core of dating violence are issues of power and control.

• Violent words and actions are tools an abusive partner uses to gain and maintain power and control over his/her partner.

• Using peer pressure: threatening to expose someone’s weakness or spread rumors.

• Telling malicious lies about an individual to a peer group.

Power and Control (continued)

• Using anger/emotional abuse to put him/her down, making him/her feel bad about him/herself.

• Name calling, making him/her think she’s crazy, playing mind games, making him/her feel guilty.

• Using social status to treat their boyfriend/girlfriend like a servant or to define men’s and women’s roles.

Power and Control (continued)

• Using intimidation to make the person afraid by using looks, actions, and gestures.

• Destroys property, smashes things.• Abuses pets, displays weapons.• The perpetrator may also minimize what has

happened, deny, and blame: They may make light of the abuse and not take concerns about it seriously. They may say the abuse didn’t happen, they may shift the responsibility for the abusive behavior, blame the other person and say that they caused it.

Power and Control (cont.)

• Using threats: threaten to leave, to commit suicide, to report him/her to the police, make him/her drop charges, make him/her do illegal things.

• The person may use isolation or exclusion to control what another person does, who he/she sees and talks to, what he/she reads, where he/she goes, etc. (www.breakthecycle.org)

• Once the abuse has started, it almost always gets worse.

Characteristics of an Unhealthy Relationship

• One person tries to control or manipulate the other.

• One person makes the other feel bad about him/herself.

• Ridicules or calls names.• Dictates how the other person dresses.• Discourages the person from getting close

with anyone else.

Why do some teens get into unhealthy relationships? Why is it so hard to get out?

• It’s hard to care for someone else when you don’t care for yourself (low self-esteem).

• The relationship doesn’t start out unhealthy. If the abuse happens before there’s an emotional bond, often the victim will quickly end the relationship. (honeymoon phase)

• Tension builds, there’s an explosion, the abuser tries to repair the relationship and most often the relationship cycle starts back at the honeymoon phase.

Why?

• The abuser promises never to do it again.• The abuser blames their behavior on external forces

like drugs or alcohol, etc.• The victim stays because they love the abuser, they

hope it won’t happen again, they fear what the abuser will do if they end the relationship, or they are in denial about the seriousness of the abuse. Love, hope, fear, denial.

• The abuser may use threats like… I’ll tell your parents we had sex, I’ll spread rumors about you, etc.

Video

Video 1http://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=why+do+some+teens+get+into+unhealthy+relationships%3F&oq=why+do+some+teens+get+into+unhealthy+relationships%3F&gs_l=youtube.3...371.8522.0.9192.51.51.0.0.0.0.418.4517.40j8j0j2j1.51.0...0.0...1ac.1.XDTTaEymN7

Additional Information

• Dating Violence takes place in all races, ethnicities, sexual orientations, communities, socioeconomic status classes, etc.

How can we help?• Parents, teachers, counselors can stop the dating violence

before it starts.• Promote healthy relationships as a method to prevent

dating violence. • Reflects a shift from an emphasis on disease prevention to

one on health promotion.• Foster respectful, non-violent relationships.• Be a good role model for respect, trust, non-violence, not

abusing drugs, alcohol, any harmful substances and discuss relationships that are free from sexual risk-taking.

Parents…• Try not to parent harshly.• Try to monitor children more.• Try to have positive parent/child interaction.• Try to shield your child from witnessing violence in the home.• Don’t allow your daughters to dress “older than they are”.• Don’t promote “dating” at such a young age.• Don’t be an enabler.• Monitor your kids.• Set boundaries.• Let your child know that they are loved unconditionally.

How to help

• Children who are upset will give warnings by showing their despair, pain, and fear through subtle and overt clues or by acting out behavior.

• Students contemplating violence may be troubled and disturbed by their own thoughts and emotions and may be hoping that someone will intervene.

• Kids need proper socialization.• Kids need good models of conduct for others to

follow.

How can counselors help?• Be there and available to listen and offer support to the

victim and the abuser.• The victim and the abuser have to want help.• The victim has to want to get out.• Counselors can bring violence prevention programs into the

school curriculum.• Counselors can work with teachers in infusing such guidance

in their classrooms.• Counselors can educate parents about not letting their

children get away with acts of aggression or violent behavior.

Video

• http://www.cdc.gov/CDCTV/BreakTheSilence/

Resources

• 24 hour National Domestic Violence Hotlines (7 days a week) National Bilingual Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)

• Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network (RAINN); National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-HOPE

• National Center for Victims of Crime: 1-800-FYI-CALL (1-800-394-2255)

References

• www.abcnews.go.com• www.breakthecycle.org• www.stayteen.org• www.loveisrespect.org• www.cdc.gov• www.youngwomenshealth.org• Utexas.edu/healthyrelationships.html• Callahan, C., PhD. Predicting and Preventing

Violence.