required retake instructions eng300: 500507 persuasion ... · zip code 31972 saudi arabia email:...

Name: Zainab Abdullah AlShafai

Student ID: 70679440

P.O. Box 633

Sihat City – Eastern Province

Zip Code 31972

Saudi Arabia

Email: [email protected]

Exam No: 500507

Essay Argument

of 15

REQUIRED RETAKE INSTRUCTIONS ENG300: 500507 Persuasion Essay

Student name: Zainab Abdullah AlShafai Student number: 70679440 Grade: 61% Date: 7/26/17 Evaluator: VGG Dear Zainab, Unfortunately, you earned a failing grade on this first-attempt submission. According to the Academic Policies in the Penn Foster Student Handbook, you must prepare a retake submission. Since the goal of this course is to help you improve your writing, you will continue working with your current submission, completely revising and editing it at all levels. Merely applying the instructor’s corrections in grammar, spelling, or format will not show sufficient evidence that you have improved your skill level and therefore will not result in a change to your grade. Review the textbook and assignment directions. Following are key revisions you must make to ensure a passing grade on your retake. If you do not understand how to rewrite your paper in order to accomplish these goals, please contact the school. Purpose: Take a position on whether or not technology should be limited. Use at

least six sources to prove the point. Strong thesis: State a specific thesis in your introduction which establishes your

position on the matter. Often times stating the ways you plan to prove the thesis is useful to maintain focus.

Organization: Begin all body paragraphs with clear topic sentences. Make sure to fully develop all ideas within the paragraph, as paragraphs are not lists. Properly incorporate research to support the writer’s ideas. Make sure new paragraphs only begin when a new topic is beginning.

Satisfying conclusion: Provide a satisfying conclusion to close your discussion,

reinforcing your thesis, and closing with a final thought. MLA Citations: Using MLA, offer internal citations and a properly formatted

Works Cited page to avoid plagiarism accusations. Editing and proofreading: Take time to read the paper at least one last time

before submitting in order to review for proper word choice, sentence structure, and punctuation errors to show the writer’s strong understanding of formal English writing and grammar.



P.O. Box 633


Zip Code 31972

Saudi Arabia


Exam No: 500507

Essay Argument

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Include this set of instructions with your retake submission, or there may be a problem completing your evaluation. For electronic submissions, copy and paste just the first four lines of text (from "Required Retake" through the evaluator's initials) at the beginning of your retake document. As part of your file name, include “Retake” after your last name. Then submit your retake essay for grading. Instructor (VGG) Penn Foster

ENG300: ADVANCED COMPOSITION

Argument

ENG300: Advanced Composition Open Office Hours occurs several times. Please register for the

date and time that works best for

you: https://attendee.gotowebinar.com/rt/5628365219371211777.

This is not a required webinar for the Advanced Composition course. It is also not a presentation.

English instructor Rianna Karalunas will be available from 3:00 - 4:00 p.m. EST to answer

questions about your Advanced Composition writing course. If you're enrolled in Advanced

Composition and have questions about an assignment, please join us during our open office

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After registering, you will receive a confirmation email containing information about joining the

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Evaluation for exam number: Skill

Realized

Skill

Developing

Skill

Emerging

Not

Shown

Thesis: Audience, Purpose, and Topic

How well does the thesis establish a clearly defined

position on the assigned topic? Does the thesis appeal to the

purpose, and appeal to the audience?

The thesis should specify the particular aspects / features of

FB and aspects of FB overuse you’ll argue will prove your

case. But the position itself is clear.

10 9 8 7.5 7 4 0

Development

How insightfully and convincingly does the writer apply

the appropriate development methods to explore the thesis

25 23 21 19 17 10 0

https://attendee.gotowebinar.com/rt/5628365219371211777



P.O. Box 633


Zip Code 31972

Saudi Arabia


Exam No: 500507

Essay Argument

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through assertions, evidence, and analytic explanation?

As I noted on your return, much of your logical evidence

and argumentation does not really prove that or how

overuse of FB (i.e. using FB a lot, the features of FB that

are required or users cannot control, the cultural aspects FB

encourages or pushes, etc.) cause users to have trouble

getting over romantic relationships.

Also, some of your content later in the essay (especially the

last two paragraphs before the conclusion) is off focus.

You also must develop each argument fully in its own body

paragraph.

Incorporation of Source Material

How logically and effectively are paraphrases, summaries,

and direct quotations from varied, relevant, and reliable

sources integrated with the writer’s style for purpose and

audience?

Sources are present, but most of the source information

does not act as strong support to prove the crux of the thesis

claim: that and how overuse of FB (not FB user choices)

inhibit users’ ability to get over past romantic partners.

Also, be sure to introduce all sources fully and clearly.

Explain who or what the source is. Saying “studies

suggest” or “Tracy Smith states” will not work well. What

studies? Who is Tracy Smith, and why should we trust him

or her?

10 9 8 7.5 7 4 0

Organization

How gracefully does the writer incorporate transitional

words and connective phrasing with appropriate

paragraphing to guide the reader through the presentation?

You must focus each body paragraph on a single argument.

Include a clear topic sentence for all paragraphs, and use

transitions appropriately between points. Make sure all

content is unified with your thesis argument.

15 14 13 12 9 6 0

Style and Voice

How energetically and consistently does the writer interact

with both the topic and audience while using varied,

concrete, active diction? To what extent does the writer

achieve a natural, pleasant rhythm, particularly through

15 14 13 12 11 6 0



P.O. Box 633


Zip Code 31972

Saudi Arabia


Exam No: 500507

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sentence fluency?

MLA Citation

Did the writer accurately and correctly document the

required number of sources following MLA citation style

both in-text and Works Cited?

Use MLA style, not APA style.

10 9 8 7.5 7 3 0

Conventions

At what level does the writer demonstrate correct and

effective standard written American English while also

meeting the required length and submission format for the

assignment?

10 9 8 7.5 7 3 0

Format and Length

Did the paper meet the required length (2,000-2,500 words)

and formatting requirements?

5 4.5 4 3 1 0

Exam grade: 61% Date of evaluation: 7/26/17

Evaluated by: VGG

IMPORTANT NOTICE

Along the right-hand side of your evaluated exam, you should see marginal

or "bubble" comments from your instructor. You should also see a series of

highlighted numbers in the evaluation chart identifying the rating you

earned on each trait. If you don't see this feedback, click on the "View" tab

and "Print Layout" or click on "Review" and the option "Final Showing

Markup." If you still cannot see the feedback, please contact the school for

the complete evaluation.

Overuse of Facebook Kkeeps Uus in the Eemotional Ppast

Modern technology has enabled people to stay connected socially and

emotionally, even if there are great physical distances among them. By having social



P.O. Box 633


Zip Code 31972

Saudi Arabia


Exam No: 500507

Essay Argument

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media applications such as Facebook, people can continually access photos,

conversations, and personal interactions with nearly anyone they want to have those

connections with. Although there are many benefits to having such easy access to being

connected, this constant access to Facebook has generally made people less capable of

moving past previous romantic relationships. This occurs because people overuse social

media like Facebook and can remain in contact or aware of people’s actions even when

they should let go of these people. Thus, one facet of technology where its benefit is

debatable is the use of Facebook and its association with overusing it to examine previous

relationships. Facebook has changed the culture and ability of people to live and forget

past romantic relationships in a healthy fashion by letting go of memories as Facebook

provides, retains, and reminds people of their relationships through photos, conversations

and personal interactions easily;, people overuse this technology as a way to stay

connected even when it is not in their best interest.

One way overuse of Facebook makes it hard for people to let go of past romantic

relationships is by……Prior to Facebook, at the end of a relationship, many people would

collect their physical photos of their formed loved one and hide them away or destroy

them. This allowed a person to disconnect from the other, and to form a mental distance

from the person. This act of creating mental distance is a true psychological step which

helps a person attain mental wellness and to rebuild their independence. ( Papp et al.

(2012 pg #) This information ssuggests that, without creating mental distance for a

Commented [VGG1]: But that they CAN does not prove they will. And, again, people could do these things through other methods in real life, even if they didn’t have FB.

Commented [VGG2]: Again, make sure you keep the focus on how the overuse of FB (and its features, culture, etc.) is to blame, not just the availability of FB at all.

Commented [VGG3]: Transition, / topic sentence needed.

Commented [VGG4]: Provide statistical evidence this was the case.

Commented [VGG5]: Use MLA citations, not APA.



P.O. Box 633


Zip Code 31972

Saudi Arabia


Exam No: 500507

Essay Argument

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significant amount of time, rebuilding independence becomes difficult. These authors

speculated that withTherefore, with overuse of social media, this mental distance may

never be great enough to fully move on. In today’s society, Facebook is a major

contributor to establishing relationships by sharing photos, and these photos remain

online in some form forever, as they can be saved by other people or even downloaded by

others if ones’ privacy settings are unrestricted. Many people feel they have only entered

or ended a relationship when it is posted on Facebook, and some partners feel that the

posting of photos with their significant others is important to determining if they are in a

relationship (Papp et al., 2012; Fox and Warber, 2013). According to the scientific article

by Fox and Warber (2013) survey over 400 people and determined that more than half

thought that posting one’s relationship status online was critic to defining their

relationship. Pictures on Facebook can be reviewed and shared at any time, and the social

media outlet can even send you the images by having them pop up in your feed. This

makes it very easy for people to keep looking at Facebook and dwelling on their past.

According to the same research conducted by Fox and Warber, 2013, Facebook has

changed the amount of time it takes for a person to establish they are ready for a new

relationship because the photos keep a person invested in the previous relationship and

the idea of ‘what if’. By people overusing Facebook, they delay the promise of new

relationships. In the Papp et al. (2012), the researchers explained that people who were

using Facebook regularly (daily) took more than twice as long to emotionally and



P.O. Box 633


Zip Code 31972

Saudi Arabia


Exam No: 500507

Essay Argument

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mentally disconnect from their previous relationship. Accordingly, by people overusing

Facebook, they gain access to all the photos available on Facebook, and by gaining

access they are limiting their capacity to move forward with their life in a healthful and

swift manner.

Facebook also delays the capacity of people to move forward in a relationship

because it provides access to both previous conversations with the former loved ones,

which are stored in the cloud, and provides a means to begin new conversations with

former loved ones. Prior to Facebook, when a relationship ended, people could stop

communicating by not writing or answering the phone. They could also throw away

letters or hide them away. Moreover, new conversation could only begin if one gave

consent by answering the phone, opening a letter, or by agreeing to meet in person. With

the advent of Facebook, when a relationship ends, people can revisit past conversations,

which are saved electronically, and many people do this too much, especially as they try

to understand the demise of their relationship. Facebook also allows people to send the

person messages personally or publically, thereby keeping the people formerly in a

relationship connected. Even if you delete the person from Facebook, they are still likely

connected to your friends, and by overusing Facebook, the former loved one can still be

searched for and looked at via friends’ pages. Facebook advertisements even can use

algorithms, which accurately predict one’s partner based on the pages of the people you

search for (Backstrom and Kleinberg, 2014). The capacity to easily review previous

Commented [VGG6]: This is general info. Focus this paragraph on making a single point. You have multiple possible points here. Facebook’s encouragement of relationship statuses is part of the issue. Allowing photos, etc. is part of the issue. Focus each paragraph on a single one of these arguments.

Commented [VGG7]: One would have access to all their photos on FB whether they overused this site or used it infrequently. The result would potentially be the same (not getting over their past partners).

Commented [VGG8]: Focus each paragraph on a single point.

Commented [VGG9]: But they also COULD write or COULD answer the phone.

Commented [VGG10]: Yes—but if they would do that on FB, they would likely do it in person as well.



P.O. Box 633


Zip Code 31972

Saudi Arabia


Exam No: 500507

Essay Argument

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conversations with former loved ones, or to have access to still reaching out to the

person, can harm peoples’ mental and emotional wellbeing, as it prevents them from

moving on. Even when people block their former loved ones, Facebook will ask if you

want to add them as a friend, and there is often great temptation to do so, just to know

what the person is doing currently (Backstrom and Kleinberg, 2014). In a study

examining how long and difficult it is to move past former relationships, it was

concluded that Facebook prevented some people from moving on fully in some cases for

years (Marshall, 2012). Thus if people were not using Facebook as much as they

currently so, they would be able to move on with their life much faster. While the

aforementioned studies on such matter were not completed prior to the era of technology,

as they were not necessary, anecdotal accounts from the authors case study and older user

groups, suggest that they mainly got over a relationship in less than half the time. Thus

technology such as Facebook can be debilitating for people as it delays their ability to let

go of former relationships.

Social media outlets like Facebook allow users to interact with one another even

in an indirect manner, and such personal interactions can also harm a person’s ability to

heal and move past a relationship. Prior to Facebook, when a relationship ended, there

was little way to reach out to a person and provide affirmation or reflections about their

current actions or accomplishments. Now, with the advent of Facebook, any post can be

affirmed or reflected on with a ‘like’, ‘haha’, ‘sad face’, ‘angry face’, or ‘love’. And,

Commented [VGG11]: You cover multiple arguments here. Separate each and fully develop it in its own body paragraph. And, again, none of these arguments really prove that or how FB overuse makes it MORE likely someone will do these things. They could do them (using different venues / formats) in real life as well, if so inclined.

Commented [VGG12]: Provide evidence this is true.

Commented [VGG13]: Can be. Doesn’t have to be. One could easily block the other person, and then that person cannot like or react to anything!



P.O. Box 633


Zip Code 31972

Saudi Arabia


Exam No: 500507

Essay Argument

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even these types of affirmations can be seen for second degree connections, thereby

making former and blocked loved ones’ post still appear if you have mutual friends. And,

the more you engage with such posts, the more of their posts get shown to you. Hence the

overuse cycle continues on. People who want to seek approval from former loved ones

may rely on seeing and waiting for such times of connection. Alternatively, for those who

do not want any type of reflection from a former loved one, they may still commentary in

this indirect method. Sociological research has suggested that these indirect personal

interactions have created a culture of needing approval and a culture where people try to

curate their life to look as positive as possible in an effort to one-up those that interact

with their social media content. Through Facebook’s suggested posts, even messages

from non-friends can appear, and people can thus still see such posts from indirect

connections. Accordingly, Facebook has created a culture, which lacks authenticity and

thrives on people looking like them best self, even if this is not the case. Such culture is

unhealthy as it is unrealistic and creates false ideas about current and former relationships

and the associated experiences and feelings of those relationships (Elphinston et al.,

2011; Marshall, 2012, Fox and Warber, 2013).

While there are methods on Facebook to limit access to photos, conversations,

and personal messages of specific people, these limitations are rarely used to their full

capacity. Sometimes the settings are difficulty to find, but mostly people want to have

access to seeing others’ information and this overuse puts their mental health in jeopardy.

Commented [VGG14]: Not if you block the person.

Commented [VGG15]: Yes, but how does this relate to romantic relationships?

Commented [VGG16]: But how / why would this necessarily have to relate to past romantic relationships? You must make the connection using logical reasoning and evidence.

Commented [VGG17]: But how is that due to FB overuse?

Commented [VGG18]: But that means that it is not FB, but the person’s own preferences, that is the issue.



P.O. Box 633


Zip Code 31972

Saudi Arabia


Exam No: 500507

Essay Argument

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Facebook does not literally force a person to look at profiles, but the culture of knowing

is now so prevalent that it cannot be ignored for most people. Facebook remains a

debilitating force for people and their grieving process, as they often will continue to

remind themselves of certain photos, conversations or even some messages that their

friends are still connected to and with on Facebook. This may seem a bit extreme but

‘surveillance’, has been reported as mechanism holding people back from moving

forward. In fact, in a study conducted by the research psychologists, Elphinston et al.

(2011), the authors determined that romantic jealousy was a significant issue for

Facebook users, and that surveillance behaviors of their past partners was very common,

despite that it caused the user distress and jealousy. The authors reported that these

surveillance behaviors appear far from obsessive than before Facebook existed, because

people overuse Facebook, and Facebook is very accessible. Moreover, the authors

suggested that people who surveyed their past partners’ social media also were often

more personally conflicted after such behavior, yet they continued with surveying. In

fact, the majority of people who performed this surveying behavior did not feel satisfied

after the surveying was complete, and yet they continued to do it anyways (Elphinston et

al. 2011). Hence, Facebook truly has a negative impact on peoples’ behaviors and ability

to overcome break-ups.

Modern technology has truly given us one of the best and easiest means for

communicating, but with such easy access to communication, the ability of people to live

Commented [VGG19]: But that culture of knowing would be present whether or not FB existed. Humans are curious, especially about past lovers.



P.O. Box 633


Zip Code 31972

Saudi Arabia


Exam No: 500507

Essay Argument

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and forget past relationships in a healthful manner has become increasingly difficult.

Although Facebook has mechanisms by which reminders of one's’ past can be set in

place, they are not necessarily used. This change as a result of modern technology seems

as if it is not one that we can resolve via technology. Rather to resolve this issue, people

must learn about to adapt with the bombardment of photos, conversations, and personal

messages even when they are not wanted. This adaptation may be cultural and

environmental, and given the timeline of when Facebook and social media outlets

became commonplace, different generations of society are coping differently. Facebook

users range in ages from teenage to senior citizen, male, female, etc. In a study by

McAndrew and Jeong, et al. (2012), the people who use Facebook are women and those

not in a relationship. Perhaps they were previously in relationships as the author's

summised, and this may be related to their long use of Facebook. Over time, more

information on how people have adapted will become available, but it is too early for

researchers to provide any concrete conclusions or advice (McAndrew and Jeong, 2012;

Papp et al., 2012; Fox and Warber, 2013). Nonetheless, such studies have provided

insight into how notorious Facebook can be for limiting personal growth when it comes

to relationships and moving forward.

Aside from scientific studies examining the role of Facebook and emotional

health, numerous institutes, and news sources have also recognized that such great

communication tools can be emotionally detrimental. Chatel (2015) states that sixteen



P.O. Box 633


Zip Code 31972

Saudi Arabia


Exam No: 500507

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percent of people “can point their fingers to Facebook as causing jealousy in their

relationship. The threat is so real that 14 percent of adults admit to combing through their

partner’s social media accounts looking for evidence of cheating, virtual or otherwise.”

Moreover, people may get stuck in the past and seek out former relationships, thereby

ruining their current relationship, and returning to bad habits and unhealthy relationships.

Such scenarios have been observed during divorce proceedings. Dr. Steven Kimmons, a

clinical psychologist and marriage counselor at Loyola University Medical Centre near

Chicago, stated in Adams (2011), “We're coming across it more and more. One spouse

connects online with someone they knew from school. The person is emotionally

available and they start communicating through Facebook.” For younger demographics,

Facebook also causes trouble as it keeps a continual reminder about their relationship

statuses. In a Pew survey by Lenhart et al. (2015), one teen said, “You can’t escape

people you used to date because you still see them in photos and posts on social media.”

There were many types of these statements made during the interviews, and such

comments spanned all age demographics interviewed, suggesting this is a widespread

issue. Hence both scientific studies and popular news sources both confirm that Facebook

can interfere with healthful mental status and relationships.

Facebook has influenced the culture and ability of people to live and forget past

relationships in a healthy manner as Facebook provides, retains, and reminds people of

their relationships through photos, conversations and personal interactions. There seems

Commented [VGG20]: Off focus.

Commented [VGG21]: Off focus. This information does not relate to getting over PAST lovers.



P.O. Box 633


Zip Code 31972

Saudi Arabia


Exam No: 500507

Essay Argument

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to be no straightforward resolution for creating a more healthy way to exist with social

media. At this point in our life, it is out of the ordinary to expect people to not have

Facebook or social media. Therefore, there needs to be new coping methods developed

for dealing with former relationships without giving up social media. Further studies

examining what can be done to help people to adapt to this modern technology are

needed. Until then, our awareness of this issue in itself may assist with the adaptation of

interactions between relationships and modern technology.

Work Cited



P.O. Box 633


Zip Code 31972

Saudi Arabia


Exam No: 500507

Essay Argument

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Adams, Richard. "Facebook a top cause of relationship trouble, say US lawyers." The

Guardian. Guardian News and Media, 08 Mar. 2011. Web. 18 July 2017.

Backstron, Lars, and Jon Kleinberg. “Romantic Partnerships and the Dispersion of Social

Ties: A Network Analysis of Relationship Status on Facebook.” CSCW 2014-Romance

(2014): 831-841.

Chatel, Amanda. "Why Social Media Causes Divorces, And 7 Ways It's Ruining Your

Relationship." Bustle. Bustle, 29 July 2015. Web. 18 July 2017.

Elphinston, Rachel A., and Patricia Noller. “Time to Face It! Facebook Intrusion and the

Implications for Romantic Jealousy and Relationship Satisfaction.” Cyberpsychology,

behavior, and social networking 14.11 (2011): 631-635.

Fox, Jesse, and Katie M. Warber. “Romantic Relationship Development in the Age of

Facebook: An Exploratory Study of Emerging Adults’ Perceptions, Motives, and

Behaviors.” Cyberpsychology, behavior, and social networking 16, 1 (2013): 3-7.



P.O. Box 633


Zip Code 31972

Saudi Arabia


Exam No: 500507

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Marshall, Tara. “Facebook Surveillance of Former Romantic Partners: Associations with

PostBreakup Recovery and Personal Growth.” Cyberpsychology, behavior, and social

networking 15.10 (2012): 521-526.

Lenhart, Amanda, Monica Anderson, and Aaron Smith. "Chapter 5: After the

Relationship: Technology and Breakups." Pew Research Center: Internet, Science &

Tech. N.p., 01 Oct. 2015. Web. 18 July 2017.

McAndrew, Francis T., and Hye Sun Jeong. “Who does what on Facebook? Age, sex,

and relationship status as predictors of Facebook use.” Computers in Human Behavior 28

(2012): 2359-2365.

Papp, Lauren M., Jennifer Danielewicz, and Crystal Cayemberg. "’Are We Facebook

Official?’ Implications of Dating Partners’ Facebook Use and Profiles for Intimate

Relationship Satisfaction." Cyberpsychology, behavior, and social networking 15.2

(2012): 85-90.

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