resolving conflicts: at work · douglas mcgregor's theory x and theory y 17. cloke c06.tex v2...

RESOLVING CONFLICTS ATWORK

TEN STRATEGIES FOR EVERYONE ON THE JOB

BY KENNETH CLOKE AND JOAN GOLDSMITH

Contents

The Dynamics of Conflict A → B Diagram 3 Perception of Commonality and Misunderstanding

Diagram 4

Thomas and Kilman 5 Office Arrangement Sketch, Version 1 6 Office Arrangement Sketch, Versions 2 and 3 7 Elements of Communication 8 Hierarchy and Bureaucracy Blocking 9 Miscommunications Worksheet 10 The Iceberg of Conflict 12 Components of Emotional Intelligence 13 Common Myths and Assumptions About Emotions

Worksheet 14

Table 6.1. Orientation to Problem Solving 16 Douglas McGregor's Theory X and Theory Y 17 Worksheet: Behaviors That Block Communication and

Collaboration 19

Worksheet: Leadership Assessment Instrument 21 Worksheet: Confidential Coaching Contract 25

Cloke c01.tex V2 - 03/22/2011 10:06am Page 12

The Dynamics of Conflict: A → B Diagram

B

Roll over

B C Gossip or blame someone else

B Run away

A Undermine A

A Counterattack

B Shut down or refuse to budge

A B Defend

3


Perception of Commonality and Misunderstanding Diagram

A Discover common interestsB

A

Bring in a mediator

B

A B Focus on the problem

“ ” Reframe the issue

B Let it pass through you

B Invite it in as an opportunity

A Create introspection

?AB Focus on the future

4


Con

cern

for

Peo

ple

Concern for Results

Aggression

Collaboration

Avoidance

Compromise

Accommodation

Thomas and Kilman

5


Office Arrangement Sketch, Version 1

chair chair

chair

computer

paperwork telephone

6


chair chair

chair

chairchair

chair

Office Arrangement Sketch, Versions 2 and 3

7


Who says what in what way to whom

Communicator Message Medium Receiver

Feedback

Elements of Communication

8


Hierarchy and Bureaucracy Blocking

9


W O R K S H E E T

Ordering: ‘‘You must . . .’’ ‘‘You have to . . .’’ ‘‘You will . . .’’

Threatening: ‘‘If you don’t . . .’’ ‘‘You’d better or else . . .’’ ‘‘You’llpay a big price . . .’’

Preaching: ‘‘It’s only right that you should . . .’’ ‘‘You ought to . . .’’‘‘It’s your duty . . .’’

Interfering: ‘‘What you should do is . . .’’ ‘‘Here’s how it shouldgo . . .’’ ‘‘It would be best if you . . .’’

Judging: ‘‘You are argumentative (lazy, stubborn, dictatorial . . . ).’’‘‘I know all about your problems.’’ ‘‘You’ll never change.’’

Blaming: ‘‘It’s your fault.’’ ‘‘If you had only . . .’’

Accusing: ‘‘You lied to me.’’ ‘‘You started this mess.’’ ‘‘You won’tlisten.’’

Categorizing: ‘‘You always . . .’’ ‘‘Every time this happens you dothe same thing . . .’’ ‘‘You never . . .’’

Excusing: ‘‘It’s not so bad.’’ ‘‘It isn’t your problem.’’ ‘‘You’ll feelbetter.’’

Personalizing: ‘‘You are mean.’’ ‘‘This is your personality.’’ ‘‘Youare the problem here.’’

(continued)

Miscommunications

10


Assuming: ‘‘If you really respected me, you would . . .’’ ‘‘I knowexactly why this happened.’’

Diagnosing: ‘‘You’re just trying to get attention.’’ ‘‘Your personalhistory is what caused this to happen.’’ ‘‘What you need is . . .’’

Prying: ‘‘When?’’ ‘‘How?’’ ‘‘What?’’ ‘‘Where?’’ ‘‘Who?’’ ‘‘What areyou hiding?’’

Labeling: ‘‘You’re being unrealistic (emotional, angry, hyster-ical . . . ).’’ ‘‘This is typical of you . . .’’

Manipulating: ‘‘Don’t you think you should . . .’’ ‘‘To really help,you should . . .’’

Denying: ‘‘You did not . . .’’ ‘‘I am completely blameless . . .’’

Double binding: ‘‘I want you to do it my way, but do it however youwant.’’

Distracting: ‘‘That’s nothing, listen to what happened to me . . .’’

11


Issues

Personalities

Emotions

Interests, Needs, and Desires

Self-Perceptions and Self-Esteem

Hidden Expectations

Unresolved Issues from the Past

Iceb

erg

of C

onfli

ct

The Iceberg of Conflict

12

Definition Hallmarks

Self-Awareness The ability to recognize and understand your moods, emotions, and drives as well as their effect on others

Self-Regulation The ability to control or redirect disruptive impulses and moods

The propensity to suspend judgement, to think before acting

Motivation A passion to work for reasons that go beyond money or status

A propensity to pursue goals with energy and persistence

Empathy The ability to understand the emotional makeup of other people

Skill in treating people according to their emotional reactions

Social Skill Proficiency in managing relationships and building networks

Ability to find common ground and build rapport

Self-confidence Realistic self-

assessment Self-deprecating

sense of humor Trustworthiness

and integrity Comfort with

ambiguity Openness to

change Strong drive to

achieve Optimism, even in

the face of failure

Organizational commitment

Expertise in building and retaining taltent

Cross-cultural sensitivity

Service to clients and customers

Effectiveness in leading change

Persuasiveness Expertise in

building and leading teams

Source: Daniel Goleman, Harvard Business Review, November-December 1998.

Components of Emotional Intelligence

13


W O R K S H E E T

It’s not proper to express emotions at work.

Emotions are irrational.

Emotions are negative.

Emotions can’t be controlled and will escalate if released.

Emotions can safely be ignored.

Emotions are not helpful in making decisions.

Emotions are unnecessary.

(continued)

Common Myths and Assumptions About Emotions

14


Emotions are for children, women, or the helpless.

Good, nice people don’t express emotions.

It’s okay to express emotions if I can justify my feelings logically.

I shouldn’t feel emotions immediately but save them for later.

I’ll lose control or go crazy if I express my emotions.

People will go away if I express my emotions.

Other people have no right to express emotions to me.

I’m responsible for fixing other people’s negative emotions.

If I express my anger to someone, it means I don’t love or respect them.

If they express their anger, it means they don’t love or respect me.

15


Table 6.1. Orientation to Problem Solving

Control Orientation Learning Orientation

Goals To assert sufficientcontrol to ensure thatproblems as you definethem are solved in waysyou see fit

To maximize myopportunity to createalternatives and testwhether they work ornot

Assumptions Other people can’t beinfluenced

Other people can beinfluenced

Problems can’t be solvedunless they are solved‘‘my way’’

I can be influenceConstraints can bealtered

Strategies Unilaterally impose yoursolutions and act asthough you are notdoing so

Identify sharedresponsibility forproblem definitions andfor solutions

Do not request feedbackabout your own ideas

Encourage others toreact to your plans, anddo the same for others

Shoot down others anddon’t share reasons why

Experiment off-line withalternatives

Reflect privately onresults

Discuss results publicly

Consequences Low team commitmentand responsibility

Increased teamparticipation

Public ‘‘group think’’ Higher teamcommitment andresponsibility

Private politicking andsubterfuge

Increased willingness toraise problems

Polarized groupdynamics

More resources to tacklethem

High risk to raisedifficult problems

More creativity andbetter solutions

Source: Adapted from Diana Smith’s ‘‘Working Paper.’’

16


Traditional (Theory X) Potential (Theory Y)

1. People are naturally lazy;they prefer to donothing.

People are naturally active; theyset goals and enjoy striving.

2. People work mostly formoney and statusrewards.

People seek many satisfactionsin work: pride in achievement;enjoyment of process; sense ofcontribution; pleasure inassociation; stimulation ofnew challenges, etc.

(continued)

Douglas McGregor's Theory X and Theory Y

17

Cloke c06.tex V2 - 03/22/2011 10:10am 4

Traditional (Theory X) Potential (Theory Y)

3. The main force keepingpeople productive intheir work is fear ofbeing demoted or fired.

The main force keepingpeople productive in theirwork is desire to achievetheir personal and socialgoals.

4. People remain childrengrown larger; they arenaturally dependent onleaders.

People normally maturebeyond childhood; theyaspire to independence,self fulfillment, andresponsibility.

5. People expect and dependon direction fromabove; they do not wantto think for themselves.

People close to the situationsee and feel what is neededand are capable ofself-direction.

6. People need to be told,shown, and trained inproper methods ofwork.

People who understand andcare about what they aredoing can devise andimprove their ownmethods of doing work.

7. People need supervisorswho will watch themclosely enough to beable to praise good workand reprimand errors.

People need a sense that theyare respected as capable ofassuming responsibilityand self-correction.

8. People have little concernbeyond their immediate,material interests.

People seek to give meaningto their lives by identifyingwith nations, communities,churches, unions,companies, causes.

9. People need specificinstruction on what todo and how to do it;larger policy issues arenone of their business.

People need ever-increasingunderstanding; they needto grasp the meaning of theactivities in which they areengaged.

10. People appreciate beingtreated with courtesy.

People crave genuine respectfrom their fellow men.

18


W O R K S H E E T

Behaviors That Block Communication and Collaboration

Score each item from 1 to 5.1 = Never; 2 = Rarely; 3 = Sometimes; 4 = Often; 5 = Always.

BLOCKING BEHAVIORS SELF OTHERS1. Interrupts discussion2. Starts side conversations3. Makes sarcastic comments4. Builds negative attitudes5. Ignores others’ comments6. Is argumentative7. Makes negative facial gestures8. Dominates discussion9. Withdraws from discussion

10. Makes tangential remarks11. Manipulates for personal agenda12. Resists consensus13. Forms divisions within the team14. Down-plays other’s contributions15. Sits apart16. Arrives late17. Leaves early18. Is unwilling to clarify19. Is defensive20. Rejects feedback

Behaviors That Support Communication and Collaboration

SUPPORTING BEHAVIOR SELF OTHERS1. Volunteers for roles2. Encourages others3. Speaks honestly4. Asks for feedback5. Supports the agenda6. Brings team back to the agenda7. Monitors time limits8. Invites others to speak9. Summarizes results

10. Acknowledges others

19


SUPPORTING BEHAVIOR SELF OTHERS11. Is on time12. Brings materials or refreshments13. Mediates conflicts14. Requests clarification15. Is open to others ideas16. Supports others in discussion17. Suggests positive processes18. Shares honest thoughts and feelings19. Shares information20. Encourages fun

20


W O R K S H E E T

Leadership Assessment Instrument

Please assess your leadership on the competencies below. Indicatea rating of 1 to 5:

1 = does not demonstrate this competency

5 = is highly successful in demonstrating this competency

On the right side of the page, indicate the actions you want to taketo improve your leadership.

1. Master the Context

RATING COMPETENCY ACTIONSIs aware of issues in the larger context or

environment and their impact on creatingconflicts.

Listens to all sides in disputes and activelygathers input from all parties and fromsources that may influence them.

(continued)

21


Encourages diverse input and perspectiveswhen seeking resolution in her own conflicts,or those brought to her for resolution.

Considers all possible outcomes, impacts, andalternatives when considering a proposal forresolution.

Takes calculated risks to improve conflictresolution resources in the organization as awhole.

2. Know Yourself

RATING COMPETENCY ACTIONSFocuses on self-learning and developing a

learning environment for all staff to buildconflict resolution skills and the capacity tolearn from disagreements.

Cultivates relationships and alliances withteams and leaders and regards disputes aslearning opportunities for herselfand others.

Builds networks of colleagues to createprofessional learning communities to improvemediation skills.

Views conflicts, errors, and mistakes aslearning opportunities for leadershipdevelopment, both for herself and others. Isintrospective and reflective.

Participates regularly in staff developmentsessions that are focused on mediation skillsas a leader and a learner.

3. Create a Vision for the Future

RATING COMPETENCY ACTIONSIs clear about her own vision for a conflict-free

future and articulates it powerfully to increase consensus regarding conflict resolution in the future.

22


Pursues opportunities for mediation anddevelops strategies for conflict resolutionsystems that are consistent with thearticulated vision.

Helps individuals define personal visions andclarify roles and assists the organization increating a vision for resolving disputes.

Revisits the organization’s vision regularly torevise it, identify conflicts that flow from it,and align strategies to realize it.

Is able to let go of past practices andexpectations that may be triggering conflictsand create a future in which there is greaterunity and less friction within the organization.

4. Communicate with Meaning

RATING COMPETENCY ACTIONSPractices empathetic listening and honest

dialogue with all staff and colleagues. Tellsthe truth.

Is willing to confront conflicts and pursueresolution of issues that are contentious.

Is clear about her own voice as a mediator andpeacemaker and is able to make it heard.

Seeks feedback and changes behavior toprevent conflicts and to create greater unitythrough dialogue.

Constructively uses disagreements andconflicts to develop innovative, collaborativesolutions.

5. Maintain Trust Through Integrity

RATING COMPETENCY ACTIONSHas clear values regarding communication and

respect for differences, and communicatesthem through behavior and commitments.

(continued)

23


Provides others with opportunities to learnfrom mistakes and problems, and usesconflicts as signals that learningexperiences are possible.

Values diversity and supports all viewpointsbeing heard and respected, and exploresconflicts to reveal possible areas ofagreement.

Returns people stuck in conflicts totrust and resolution by consistentlyupholding values, ethics, and standards.Integrity is made explicit by congruentbehavior.

Provides opportunities for others todemonstrate and stretch their skills inresolving conflicts.

6. Realize Intentions Through Action

RATING COMPETENCY ACTIONSGets results and adds value by transforming

conflict resolution strategies into regularbehaviors that produce results.

Assumes personal responsibility fordecreasing time, energy, and focusdevoted to conflicts and for improvingachievement.

Eliminates bureaucratic roadblocks thatprevent resolution of disputes andencourages creative action.

Evaluates systems and processesto improve conflict resolutionprocesses.

Gives credit to others for their contributionsto a resolution and createsprevention-oriented organizationalsystems and culture.

24

Cloke c08.tex V2 - 03/22/2011 10:12am 7

W O R K S H E E T

Confidential Coaching Contract

1. My goals for the coaching process are

•

•

•

2. The conflicts I wish to address are

•

•

•

3. The results I want to produce are

•

•

•

4. The barriers or challenges I intend to address to more effectivelyrespond to conflicts in the organization or in my life are

•

•

•

5. The talents and skills I feel I bring to resolving conflicts are

•

•

•

6. .People who might support me inresolving conflicts:

People who might block me inresolving conflicts:

(continued)

25


7. Time Line for Coaching:

DATES ACTIONS MILESTONES

Date:

Signed:

26

resolving conflicts: at work · douglas mcgregor's theory x and theory y 17. cloke c06.tex v2...

Documents