(Re)Understanding Feminism

By Brad Stollery

I'm a feminist, and so are you.

Feminism's main and traditional premise is obviously agreeable to most people: it is the theory, as Emma Watson defined it in her recent speech at a United Nations special event, “of the political, economic and social equality of the sexes.” As she acknowledged, however, the word “feminism” has too often come to be synonymous with man-hating – an important detail that explains many men's hesitancy to identify as feminists despite their agreement that women's abuse and subordination by patriarchal norms is an injustice. Feminism needs to be reunderstood, and its message rebranded, if it isto gain mainstream traction and achieve tangible results. Watson's speech, though not game-changing, is a step in the right direction.

Feminism isn't just for women. It's for men too, and not just in the sense that men have a responsibility to be respectful toward women. That's because for every girl or woman whose personality or ambitions are limited by the 'glass ceiling' and other more nuanced sexist double-standards, there's a boy or a man who suffers in silence because who he is and what interests him doesn't conform to what society expects of a 'man'. Each of us is conditioned to fear the consequences of challenging the confines of our gender role. That's why most insults target a person's failure to conform to gender expectations. If a woman is seen as being too authoritative, she's a bitch. If her peersconsider her too sexually liberal, she's a slut. Insults against boys and men attack their masculinity. No guy wants to be called a pussy, a homo, or a faggot (these words also speak to the underlying homophobia in society). Not only will being seen as weak or frightened – in action or in physical appearance – put a boy in jeopardy of being an afterthought on his football team, it also shatters his confidence in relationships with girls.

The desire to be sexually and socially attractive according to what one's gender norms demand often motivates women to try to have thin bodies and sometimes be submissive when faced with confrontations. The same desire can motivate men to be competitive, aggressive, and even condescending in an effort to be 'alpha', a term popularized by frat-boy culture. Parallel to the way that mental health disorders associated with a gendered body ideal lead some girls down the path of anorexia, the desire to 'get jacked' drives certain men to spend an inordinate amount of time in the weight room, or even turn to harmful body-enhancing drugs. Boys and men are burdened by gender norms just as much as women are, something that is too often overlooked because too few men are willing to be open about their own sensitivities in order to participate in the feminist discussion. That needs to change.

In response to Emma Watson's speech, feminist writer Mia McKenzie (blackgirldangerous.org) criticized her for suggesting that feminism has thus far been unwelcoming to men. McKenzie argues that men's unwillingness to embrace feminism is not because they haven't been invited to the party, but because men benefit enormously from gender inequality in every way, and have little to no incentive to help affect positive change. McKenzie also writes that Watson's claim that men are also imprisoned by gender stereotypes is flawed because it makes men the centre of attention in a discourse intended to liberate women from sexist oppression.

Indeed, the patriarchal status quo benefits men enormously. Sexual and domestic violence against women goes grossly under-reported. Victim-blaming and slut-shaming is prevalent on university campuses, and women are still significantly under-represented in politics. Women still often

make around seventy cents for every dollar men make for the same work (and none of this even includes those people whom the traditional, inadequate gender binary doesn't accommodate). Just as being born in the Global North (especially if you're white) is to win the 'genetic lottery', being born a straight man pretty much anywhere is to win the genetic 50/50. It shouldn't be that way.

However, feminism shouldn't be exactly the way that Mia McKenzie promotes it, either. She's disappointed that Emma Watson isn't a “kick-ass, game-changing feminist”. But it's a good thing that Watson isn't 'kick-ass', because if she were, it would be contrary to feminism's very own logic. By calling for such, McKenzie falls victim to irony. Furthermore, it's vital to recognize that while men are the beneficiaries of patriarchy, they are the victims of masculinity.

Feminism isn't about overcoming men, it's about overcoming the hegemony of masculinity – a critical distinction that McKenzie overlooks. The 'kick-ass' feminist style that she promotes invokes feelings of competition and revolution – decidedly masculine characteristics. The same can be said of the title of her website: Black Girl Dangerous. Instead, feminism should emphasize its true values, like care, empathy, tenderness, and love. While it is perfectly praiseworthy to oppose injustice, by adhering to such an aggressive shade of feminism one loses sight of the forest for the trees. As a white man born in the Global North, I almost certainly don't have to worry about being paid less for equal work just because of my sex or gender. If I did, I'd be pretty pissed off too. But feminism can't be allowed to get pissed off if it is to be consistent and credible. Aggressive feminism has clearly alienated many people, and as such has not become as understood and accepted as it needs to be. As Friedrich Nietzsche put it, “if you stare long enough into the abyss, eventually the abyss begins to stare back into you.”

An empathic feminism helps us understand and prevent violence. Empathy doesn't excuse behaviour that harms others, but it does explain it. Sexual assault is useful to consider because it's both destructive and prevalent. Rape is an expression of power: it's a form of domination that uses sex as a medium, and is arguably the epitome of hyper-masculinity. A man who abuses or rapes a woman is trying to reinforce his own masculinity to himself and to others, even at the cost of the victim's dignity and security. The man is always responsible for his conscious actions, criminally and morally, but he's motivated by a misplaced defence of his masculinity. Identifying this explanation helps us understand how to gently dismantle the motivation for sexual assault and domestic abuse at its foundation. Feminism's role is to reveal that being a man doesn't automatically require being masculine, just as womanhood doesn't necessarily require femininity.

To make society more inclusive of and egalitarian for every person of every gender, we need to teach children the fallacies inherent in antiquated gender stereotypes. We must assure young people – and especially young men – that you are not a 'little girl' or a 'pussy' for feeling sad or lonely, for crying, or for not having big muscles. Young women and girls also deserve to hear the same reassurances for their own contexts. In order to dismantle patriarchal structures, we must start by placing greater emphasis on challenging the dominant masculine narrative that pressures men to hide their authentic feelings. Rather than acting as a reactionary force which 'pushes back' at patriarchy's oppressiveness, feminism needs to be reunderstood as a way of 'lifting off' the chains of patriarchy by encouraging men to abandon their reticence. Our culture should reward communication of our feelings instead of stifling it.

Both women and men play a role in encouraging the masculine behaviour that sustains patriarchy. Men are culpable: for example, boys who suck at sports get picked last or even excluded entirely by other boys and their (usually) male coaches and role-models. But women are also responsible for discrimination. It's not uncommon for very attractive women to only date popular male athletes or other very masculine figures. Men compete for beautiful women's attention, so portraying themselves as masculine becomes an arms race. A man is implicitly expected to ask a woman for a datebut not vice-versa, meaning he must make himself vulnerable and bear the burden of potential rejection. Masculinity helps him mask his fear. There's nothing worse for a man's self-esteem than watching the woman who just turned him down at the bar be all over another guy five minutes later.

Gender expectations wield powerful influence.How can we reconcile who we are with what gender norms tell us to be? Philosopher Jean-Paul

Sartre spoke of how we are all of us “condemned to freedom”. We each have an inalienable ability to make conscious choices at every juncture in life, even in the most extreme situations. To deny that one possesses this freedom is what Sartre terms “bad faith”. A person who denies their true feelings and emotions is also guilty of bad faith. The cultural environment that intimidates a person into hiding their natural human emotions is equally culpable.

Masculine gender ideals are responsible for rendering legitimate aggressive acts from fighting in hockey, to slut-shaming, to foreign military invasions. The dominant masculine narrative marginalizes the voices – male, female, and other – that call for empathy and reconciliation rather than revenge and domination in every sphere from college campus communities to international relations. Once the flaws inherent to masculine discourse can be properly exposed, taught to young people, and recognized by a mainstream audience, the conversation of 'gender justice' can be revealed as a liberation movement for all, and not just for women. Women will only be free of patriarchy once men are freed from the masculinity that sustains patriarchy. That's why feminism is for everyone.

You're a feminist because you experience human emotions and you don't want to be called a coward for showing them. Bad faith doesn't help anyone: poor communication and dishonesty are the enemies of healthy relationships, whether between romantic partners or between parents and children. Mature people are honest, thoughtful, and empathic, and respect the same emotional intelligence in others because those characteristics demonstrate a person's grasp on the realities of the human condition. We and every other creature on this planet share a fragile and finite existence, and that's inescapable. But the good news is that we're all in this together. It takes courage to allow yourself to be vulnerable. It's a strength to be comfortable with showing weakness.

Being a feminist doesn't mean 'kicking ass'. It just means being real.