Revising Our Personal Narratives

Created by: Mrs. Nettleton

Revising: editing the content of your piece to make your ideas clearerDay 1: Explode the Moment: “Show, Don’t

Tell”Day 2: Adding figurative languageDay 3: Sentence fluencyDay 4: Transition WordsDay 5: Adding dialogue

What does it mean to“Explode the Moment? Take us through the important sections of your memory in

slow motion.

Show your audience what is happening, don’t just tell them.

Add in more description. Use dialogue to slow down this short section of time. Make use of a flashback.

Share your present thoughts.

Take us through the important sections of your memory in slow motion.

BEFORE:After I got over my

fear, I put on my helmet and stepped on the 4-wheeler.My dad asked “are you nervous?”I replied, “You bet I am!”So my dad gave me instructions and I got it started. ROAR! Man it was so loud I could feel my body shaking.

AFTER: After I got over my fear, I put on my helmet and stepped on the 4-wheeler. Sitting on the seat seemed to rev my energy even more. My heart had to have been vibrating like the engine, as I turned the key to its “on” position. My dad asked….

Add in more description.

BEFORE: I ran through the smoke filled kitchen into the hallway. I went into the closest room and grabbed the closest cover I could find, and ran down the hall with the cover. I turned off the stove and put the cover over the pan and the fire stopped. I felt like a hero.

AFTER: As I tried to make it the short distance from the kitchen into the closet room, the hallway seemed to grow longer, seeming like a never-ending maze that was keeping me from reaching my destination. I went into the closet room and my eyes scanned the room’s contents: a dull gray blanket in the corner seemed to be screaming to me, “I will help….” I grabbed the closest cover and….

Use dialogue to slow down this short section of time.

BEFORE: The weather was sunny and bright. The team I played for was the Bulls and we were a good team. While I was there my team was warming up by some pitching and some were warming up by passing the ball to each other. After warming up we went in front of the dugout and had a discussion and prayed.

AFTER: The weather was sunny and bright. The team I played for was the Bulls and we were a good team. While I was there my team was warming up by some pitching and some were warming up by passing the ball to each other. Listening to the conversation, everyone was filling calm and anticipating the upcoming game. “Rickie, are you ready to score a run today?” Other players were asking happy, easy going questions, and it was nice to experience the relaxed mood. After warming up we went in front of the dugout and had a discussion and prayed.

Make use of a flashback.BEFORE: I thought

about all the happy memories, and couldn’t stop seeing her smile in my mind. I could still hear her talking, and laughing, and everything else.

AFTER: . I could still hear her talking, and laughing, and everything else. One particular memory that came to mind was enjoying Easter at her house. I had ran into her house in my Easter best to be greeted by her familiar hug and soft voice. “Come here and let me see you,” she quietly stated. She slipped me one of her extra special sugar cookies and said, “Don’t tell your mom that I gave that to you before your dinner.” Moments like this seem so near and it makes her lying here in this casket seem so unreal.

Share your present thoughts.

BEFORE: Then it started going up the hill very slow. When it started going higher and higher I wanted to get off but it was too late. Then I thought to late to turn back now.

AFTER: Then it started going up the hill very slow. As our position reached higher and higher, my thoughts pleaded: ‘Can I get off ?’ The slow, gentle movements of our climbing higher stopped and I was staring at the gigantic hill before me. I closed my eyes, screamed loudly, andnow thought: ‘It is too late to turn back now.’

Student Instructions: Look at your rough draft.

At least one section to “explode the moment” has been identified for you.

Write out this small section of your memory using one or more of the “explode the moment” techniques we have discussed today.

What is dialogue?Dialogue is when we quote someone’s exact

words. “Hey, that is a cool shirt!”

When you are narrating a memory, think about the way people spoke.

Sometimes people do not speak in complete sentences.

“What?”

Punctuating dialogueUse quotation marks to surround spoken

words.

Put all punctuation marks inside the quotation marks.

Indent each time someone new is speaking.

Tagged dialogueAn author will write he said, she said, he

asked, etc.. To let the reader know who is talking.

“Whoa! Look at that cool bike,” Marla exclaimed.

Tammy said, “My dad falls asleep in front of the TV every night.”

After that, my grandma took me to see my great aunt in the casket. She looked so peaceful and

beautiful as my grandma said, “She told me she didn’t sleep in her dress clothes, and she wasn’t going to be buried in her dress clothes so, she picked sleep clothes to be buried in.” She was dressed in a pink robe with a velvet, soft pink nightgown under. She had pearls over her rist, too. I thought about all the happy memories, and couldn’t stop seeing her smile in my mind. I could still hear her talking, and laughing, and everything else.

Example:Before: My mom

came in my room and was crying. She couldn’t breathe and my mom softly said Uncle Joe has passed away. I was so upset I started to cry also .”

After: My mom came in my room and crying. She couldn’t breathe and my mom softly said, “Uncle Joe has passed away.” I was so upset I started to cry also .”

Example:Before: Next, it was my turn

to step to the plate I got my helmet and gloves on. Then, I walked out of the dugout and picked up the bat and got to the plate. I was nervous because I didn’t know whether he would strike me out or not. He threw a strike at first then I swung the bat the bat had hit the ball. When the ball hit the bat I heard a loud ding and felt the vibration of the bat.

After: Next, it was my turn to step to the plate I got my helmet and gloves on. Then, I walked out of the dugout and picked up the bat and got to the plate. I was nervous because I didn’t know whether he would strike me out or not. I heard a familiar voice enthusiastically screaming, “Go Ricky!” He threw a strike at first then I swung the bat the bat had hit the ball. When the ball hit the bat I heard a loud ding and felt the vibration of the bat.

Example:Before: I was walking

down the hug bright hall. On the way I saw other babies safe in their mothers arms. I was holding on to the old used and steel rail with grandma squeezed onto my hand just a little bite too hard.

After: I was walking down the hug bright hall. On the way I saw other babies safe in their mothers arms. I was holding on to the old used and steel rail with grandma squeezed onto my hand just a little bite too hard. “Are you nervous,” Grandma’s calming voice asked.

What’s wrong with this example of dialogue?I don’t want to go, “exclaimed the tired, little

boy.”

“I don’t want to go,” exclaimed the tired, little boy.

What’s wrong with this example of dialogue?“what are you talking about.” asked the man.

“What are you talking about,” asked the man?

Your task:Read through your personal narrative, and

look for places to add in dialogue.

You should add in 2 examples of dialogue into your rough draft.