The Rise in the Arctic Cougar

Population

laura lippayjanuary 2011

attractive older

Arctic Cougars are beautiful & exquisite

• Hard nipples• Gray muffs• Lofty Hummers

• Often found near (or holding) poles

• Can pull off a sweet spread eagle

…but dangerous. Approach with caution.

• Often attack when their prey is winded.

• Tend to leave deep, often permanent claw marks.

• Risk of disappearing into frigid cougar caves for months.

Related species/often mistaken for

The Eastern USArctic Cougar

• Most abundant in Vermont, although often spotted in the hills of New York and Eastern Pennsylvania.

• Distinguished by their big hair and very long nails.

• Often seen wearing leopard skin (awkward).

• Signature drink: Purple hooter

The Western US Arctic Cougar

• Roam much of the western US

• Often seen in Bend, OR , Tahoe, CA & abundant across Colorado, esp. Aspen.

• Bat their eyes and say “like”, like a lot.

• Prey heavily on snowboarders.

• Signature Drink: Lite beer

The Siberian Arctic Cougar

• Unassumingly vicious.• Unassumingly furry.• The most vocal:

“Nyet! Nyet!”• Signature drink:

Smirnoff Ice.

The Swiss Arctic Cougar• Endangered species. • Found only in the Alps. • Attacks are sought after by

hopeful prey worldwide. • Prone to slipping roofies to

schoolboys.• Signature drink: Bailey’s &

cocoa, extra marshmallows.

The Alaskan Arctic Cougar

• Winks a lot (very different than eyelash-batting trait of Western Cougar).

• Armed and dangerous.

• Roams alongside mamma bears.

• First arctic cougar to run for presidential office.

• (you betcha)

Arctic cougars throughout historyPrehistoric Arctic CougarsHabitat: The polesAppearance: Extremely furry and wildly desperate

1900’s Arctic CougarsHabitat: Ski lodgesAppearance: Deceptively fuzzy and cute.

Modern Arctic CougarsHabitat: Becoming urbanizedAppearance: Shaved, large breasts, and oddly orangish

Recent rise in the Arctic Cougar population

Arctic Cougar population management

Modern Arctic Cougars in urban and social environments

Arctic Cougars are often seen coming out of the wild to appear on reality TV shows (like Rock of Love).

Arctic Cougars frequent social networks for cougars

How to spot an Arctic CougarGenerous amounts of fur, even in summer.

Loud, deeply rooted purrrrrrrrring sounds.

Enhanced breasts, especially on the Western Arctic Cougar.

Looks divorced.SIBERIANWESTERN

If you encounter an Arctic Cougar

LOOK THE COUGAR DIRECTLY IN THE EYE. DO NOT TURN YOUR BACK.

APPROACH WITH CAUTION, AND WITH ALCOHOL.

COAX HER WITH WORDS LIKE “I’M BARELY LEGAL” OR “CAN I SEE YOUR ID?”

+SHOW OFF YOUR SWEET MOVES.

HOPE FOR THE BEST.

Typical Arctic Cougar bait

• Male 18-25.

• Heterosexual.

• Typically involved in snow sports.

• Preferred muscular.

• Preferred drunk.

Are you Arctic Cougar bait?Are you male?

Are you 18-25?

Are you muscular?

Are you drunk?

Do you snowboard/ski

?

Congratulations! Er, um, beware!

You are prime rib to an Arctic Cougar.

START HERE!

YES YESYES YES

YES

Are you Arctic Cougar bait?Are you male?

Are you 18-25?

Are you muscular?

Are you drunk?

Do you snowboard/ski

?

Do you look 18-25?

Tough luck. I mean, good for you. You’re safe. Very safe.

Do you hang out in a ski lodge? (poser).

Do you live within 300 miles of a ski resort?

Congratulations! Er, um, beware!

You are prime rib to an Arctic Cougar.

Why not? Loser.

That’s unfortunate.

Does your Facebook profile look 18-25?

YES YES

NO

NO

NO

NOYES

YES

NONO NO

YESYES

YES YES

NO YESI’M NOT SURE

NO

This has been a public service announcement.

Alert today.Alive tomorrow.