May 2008 – Martha Lester-Cribb – V4 1

RTO Concert Speech – May 2008

In a previous incarnation I worked as a researcher in the Psychology

Department at the University of Stirling. When I was asked to give tonight’s

speech (aka “a few moments of respite for your abused aural senses”) I

thought it was about time that some of my research methods were applied to

the world renowned phenomenon that is the Really Terrible Orchestra. It

also occurred to me that, as I specialised in researching the problems faced

by people with the most severe communication difficulties, my experience

has probably equipped me particularly well for this task.

I submitted my proposal late last night to the European Waste-of-Time-and-

Money Research Fund and, having reassured the ethics committee that my

methods wouldn’t leave any of the subjects more incapacitated than they

already are, I was instantly granted all the resources I had requested (namely

a good bottle of red wine, a Bunsen burner and a box of matches). The

following paper summarises my findings. I expect you all to take notes and

there will be an exam later.

My research aims were threefold:

1. to identify the core attributes of the RTO

2. to analyse these attributes and hypothesise which are intrinsic to the

orchestra’s success

3. to test this hypothesis by applying it to others who have achieved

similar infamy

The research method I used is one which I developed painstakingly over a

number of years with the aid of several grants – initially my student one at

Edinburgh University. I’m very proud of it and of all the hours I have spent

dedicated to testing it for robustness and reliability. The results have, on the

whole, been encouraging. It involves sitting down, no sooner than the 11th

May 2008 – Martha Lester-Cribb – V4 2

hour, in front of a blank page in Microsoft Word with the aforementioned

essential equipment:

- the Bunsen burner (for heat and light)

- the matchsticks (not only to light the Bunsen burner, but also to keep

my eyelids open)

- and the bottle of red wine (to loosen thought processes) {now here a

corkscrew can also come in useful, but I’ve found that in extremis a

screwdriver will suffice, and I’ve heard that some people prefer to have

a glass handy as well}

Over the years I have developed several refinements, for example I have

found that the methodology works best if there is a plentiful supply of toast

and Marmite. If the experiment requires you to work in a locked laboratory,

this can even be prepared with the aid of the multi-purpose Bunsen burner!

Then you simply poise your hands over the keyboard and hope for the best,

not allowing yourself to go to bed until the task is completed.

At this point I have to admit that this particular paper has a contributing

author: my 6 month old kitten who believes strongly that everything that

moves or makes a noise should be pounced on, at irregular but frequent

intervals. This includes my flying fingers as I type. I believe her finest

contribution was: “p9+oiehj=x” – a formula which no doubt has great

significance to the matter at hand, if only I could grasp its full meaning.

So, what were my Findings?

First: the identification of the RTO’s core attributes. After much

deliberation and the overuse of a slide rule, I have determined that they are:

a) unbounded enthusiasm

b) a predominant lack of real talent for the activity at hand (when

compared to the achievements of many other adults who have tackled

the same task)

May 2008 – Martha Lester-Cribb – V4 3

c) honesty and self-awareness (just look at our name)

d) the willingness to persevere publicly in the face of limited success (or

what would be seen by professionals in the field as ignominious failure)

e) access to the right equipment (even if we aren’t entirely sure how to

use all its features)

f) a charismatic central character (in this case our esteemed conductor);

and finally

g) a committed management (I am at pains to point out that I in no way

mean to imply by this that our Chairman’s willingness to work so hard

on our unworthy behalf means that he should be committed … but it’s a

thought!)

Second: it is undeniable that the RTO’s notoriety is growing throughout the

world. After all, how many other amateur orchestras have featured on

Channel 4 News, in the New York Times and The Telegraph, and have had

prize-winning films made about them? We’ve even had the cheek to ask you

to pay for your tickets this evening as a contribution to the costs of our

planned debut in the States. So which of the 7 attributes I have identified

are fundamental to our success? I submit that each one is vital. Imagine if:

a) no-one turned up to rehearsals, ever; or

b) we all had achieved Grade 8 in our chosen instrument; or

c) we thought we were brilliant; or

d) we gave up each time we came in a hemi-demi-semi-quaver late; or

e) we only had tin-whistles and kazoos to play; or

f) we were Richard-less; or

g) Peter wasn’t there to reply to e-mails from Ron Delsener (the New York

concert promoter who is described as “the grandfather of the US

concert industry” and who has worked with the Beatles and Eminem

among countless others).

May 2008 – Martha Lester-Cribb – V4 4

Thus I propose the following formula: [Figure 1]

UE [Unbounded Enthusiasm] + LRT [Lack of Real Talent] + H [Honesty] + PP

[Public Perseverance] + RE [Right Equipment] + CCC [Charismatic Central

Character] + CM [Committed Management] = RTOSS [Really Terrible Orchestra

- Style Success] and hypothesise that if you combine all of these elements you

are guaranteed a warm, supportive audience which will regard you with great

fondness (and secretly be feeling very grateful that they’re not you).

Third, I started to test my hypothesis by looking at other public failures

which appear to have many of the same attributes as the group of squawkers,

scrapers and tooters here before you tonight, but which somehow have not

received the same popular acclaim. Time dictates that I focus on only a few

tonight, but many others nearly made the grade.

- First: Group 4 Security (I believe they have the Right Equipment, they

seem to be Publicly Persevering and certainly have shown a Lack of Real

Talent for holding onto prisoners in the past, but where is their

Charismatic Central Character?)

- Second: Heathrow Terminal 5 staff (undoubtedly there is a Lack of Real

Talent, they have had no choice but to Persevere Publicly, the Chief

Executive is certainly Committed {it was his 2 deputies who got the

push}, and they claim to have the Right Equipment. However there was

not much sign of Honesty. A week before Terminal 5 opened, Willie

UE [Unbounded Enthusiasm] + LRT [Lack of Real Talent] + H [Honesty] + PP [Public Perseverance] + RE [Right Equipment] + CCC [Charismatic Central Character] + CM [Committed Management] = RTOSS [Really Terrible Orchestra - Style Success]

May 2008 – Martha Lester-Cribb – V4 5

Walsh, the CEO, sent a newsletter to BA gold card holders claiming that

“the new terminal will be so calm, you'll just float through".)

- Third: Edinburgh City Council - for the very brief appearance in 2005 of

rising bollards in George Street and 4 sets of traffic lights at the

junction between Hanover Street and George Street. (At first

inspection this contender failed to meet the Self Awareness criterion as

the tag-line for these innovations was “Improving our city centre for

you”. However shortly after the implementation of the traffic lights,

the leader of the council, Donald Anderson, was quoted as saying: “It

looks to me like an eerie combination of a candelabra and a fairground

ride” and he continued “Things are worse now than they were 12

months ago - it has been horrific.” which is, you have to admit, at least

Honest. However, this example shows a complete lack of Perseverance

and with their collective tail firmly between their legs, the council

performed a smart u-turn.)

The second stage of testing my hypothesis involved the examination of

publicly renowned failures which I contend are in receipt of the same warmth

and affection as you have demonstrated towards the RTO tonight:

- First: Eddie the Eagle [Figure 2]

Now, although his career was short-

lived and took place 20 years ago,

I’m prepared to bet at least a pound

that you all know who he is and,

equally, that you are unable to

name even one other Olympic ski jumper. I’ve heard it said that his

birthday, December the 5th, is still a Public Holiday for Casualty

Departments all over the world. He had Unbounded Enthusiasm, was

Charismatic, had the Right Equipment and no Real Talent – he was more

May 2008 – Martha Lester-Cribb – V4 6

than 20lb heavier than the next heaviest competitor and was very short

sighted, requiring him to wear his glasses at all times, even though

when skiing they fogged to such an extent that he could not see.

Needless to say he finished last in both the 70 and 90 metre events,

leading one Italian journalist to describe him as a "ski dropper”, but he

was also the first individual athlete ever to be mentioned in the Games

closing speech. He was Honest and Self Aware and certainly Persevered

– trying (and failing) to qualify for the 1992, 94 and 98 Olympics. He

released a record called "Fly Eddie Fly" that reached the Top 50 in the

UK, and a film of his life starring Steve Coogan will be released later

this year.

- Second: Maureen Rees from Driving School [Figure 3]

Again, you probably know who I’m talking about,

but can you think of anyone else who has become a

household name simply for being a learner driver?

Maureen was Enthusiastic and Charismatic, had the

Right Equipment and, like Eddie, definitely Lacked

Real Talent - she even managed to drive over her husband’s foot on

camera! I surmise that he could be classified as her Committed

Manager. She failed her driving test 7 times and even failed the theory

test. Yet she Persevered, and showed no fear of ridicule, eventually

passing her test in an automatic car. Like Eddie, Maureen released a

single: her cover of Madness' "Driving in my Car" reached number 50 in

the UK singles chart. Also like Eddie, her life has been documented on

camera – this time in a BBC film called “The Making of Maureen”. She

has also featured in countless other television programs for example as

the subject of “This is Your Life” and on The Royal Variety Show.

Maureen has also been on America’s top-rated Jay Leno Show in Los

Angeles, drawing 5 million viewers and she has been invited to go back

for a repeat appearance.

May 2008 – Martha Lester-Cribb – V4 7

- The third and last candidate I have chosen to test the R-TOSS formula is

Clive Sinclair and his C5. [Figure 4]

You probably never wanted to rely on

one to get you to work, but I’ll bet if

you saw one on the street you would

smile nostalgically and point it out to

your friends. Despite being relatively

cheap to buy (it sold for £399 + £29 for delivery), the C5 quickly

became an object of popular ridicule, and was a commercial disaster

with only around 17,000 being sold. High profile companies were

involved in the production of the C5 – including Lotus and Hoover. Sir

Clive was certainly Enthusiastic and Charismatic. He Persevered

despite criticism and was definitely Committed to the C5; selling shares

in his successful research company to raise the £12 million needed to

finance its development. He also showed a Lack of Real Talent for

inventing something which was actually useful - cold weather

significantly shortened the battery life, exposure of the driver to

weather is a big problem in the British climate and because it was low

and close to the ground, doubts were raised about the C5's safety in

traffic. It was heavy, you couldn’t adjust the distance between the

seat and the pedals, there were no gears, and the motor overheated on

long hills. Again a song and accompanying video were made to

celebrate the C5, though I’m not sure of the chart success in this case.

Conclusion:

If you would like to emulate the Really Terrible Orchestra’s extraordinary

success in any area of your life, forget Life Coaching, Positive Thinking and

Self-Help books. Just apply my winning formula, which to remind you is:

UE+LRT+H+PP+RE+CCC+CM=RTOSS, and everything you dream of can be yours.

May 2008 – Martha Lester-Cribb – V4 8

I had hoped to find a mnemonic to help you remember the formula, but the

best I was able to come up with in the short time available is the anagram

which tells you that: Scotch Perm Curls Crept. [Figure 5] I hope you will all

take this message to your hearts and rely on it in times of stress.

Now, I shouldn’t think that anything I’ve said tonight will be of the slightest

use in your real lives, but I would like to thank you for allowing me to

disseminate my results in such distinguished company. I will not be available

for questions or book signings afterwards, but would be happy to accept

offers of good bottles of red wine (or Bunsen burners, come to that) to assist

with my future research. The paper I have just given will be published

shortly in a peer-reviewed journal (probably Nutters Weekly) and I have little

doubt that I will soon be offered an honorary readership at a distinguished

nursery school.