HHaammooddiiaa May 7 , 201416

F E AT U R E

BY BEILY PALUCH

‘In a BOYHouse’

When my first five boys were little, the energy level in our house hardly ever dropped below medium-to-

high. I developed a “scientific” theory that this energy multiplies exponentially with each consecutive boy,

as the brothers feed off each other’s exuberance and become a force much greater than the sum of its parts.

One lively afternoon, coming on the heels of a hectic morning, I tried to maintain my equilibrium

along with whatever game of “concert,” “zoo,” or “police” was the selection of the day. In the midst of the

In a boy house:Chana Malka C., 4 boys under age 5 Tzipora F., 4 boys under age 7 Devory L., 6 boys, oldest 13 Ruchie M., 7 boys under 16

Who’s Who*

‘In GIHou

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In a girl house:Leah T., Oldest of 6 sistersEsty M., 5 girls under 11Toby B., 8 girls under 16Sharon D., 5 girls age 10 to 20Brochi Z., 2 girls under 7

chaos, I closed my eyes, covered my ears and indulged in positive imagery: Five docile daughters,

sitting at a table in the playroom, coloring rainbows. One creating, others copying. The only time

I’m interrupted is to answer the question, “Is it nice?”

Interviewing mothers of all-girl and all-boy families for this article gave me the opportunity to

revisit my daydream, as we candidly shared what it’s like “in a boy house” and “in a girl house.”

Who’s Who*

*All names have been changed.

a IRL

ouse’

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Chana Malka: Play with cars, tag, playin the sand, one pretends to be a dogand chases the others around.

Tzipora: Play fight, rough and tumble,piling on top of each other.

Devory: Whatever they do, they do ittogether! You will rarely find onereading a book alone. When one goesoutside to play, they are all outsideplaying; when one or two want to playboard games, everyone needs to be partof the game.

Esty: Play house for hours.School. Teacher. Therapist. Wehave shelves of dolls andaccessories, dress-up clothes,kitchen sets, and art supplies.

Toby: Sing camp songs, G.O.songs, choirs with the motions.They also love doing dancesfrom school performances.

Sharon: They like to shop andplay games. They also like tocook.

What do your children like to do together?

What do theyfight about?

Chana Malka: Who tookwhose toy, who smashedwhose tower.

Tzipora: He got more thanme, how come he got to goand not me? Very often it’sfood related.

Devory: Silly stuff, like food,seats at the table. It’s usuallyover pretty quickly.

Esty: Who’s going to getwhich doll, who has thebaby mentchie. Who getsto be Mommy.

Toby: She bothered me,she’s always singing (ormaking faces, or crying).She got something, it’s notfair. They fight over thephone, and making eachother late for school, orwearing each other’s stuff.And, of course, they fightover the shower!

Sharon: Clothing, who’sbetter at something, andwho does more in thehouse!

How do they react to hand-me-downs?

Chana Malka: They don’t know the difference!

Tzipora: We make it exciting and reminisceabout when the original owner wore it.

Devory: As long as it’s comfortable, it doesn’tmatter.

Leah: I’m the oldest so I was never therecipient, but I don’t think anyone everminded hand-me-downs, because we alladmire each other’s taste. Or maybe that’smore about borrowing from each other’sclosets? We all enjoy that! Of course, ifsomeone has an expensive and/or favoriteitem they don’t want to lend, we respect that.

Esty: At a wedding, one daughter wore adifferent sister’s jumper, and she worried allnight that someone would notice!

Toby: They’ll be happy if it’s something theyalways liked. I try to make sure they each havesomething new for the season (a new T-shirtor two and some socks, accessories, belt,earrings, or even a headband).

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Chana Malka: I don’t think so. My boysare quite ... boyish.

Devory: The boys do everything. In thelittle free time they have, they pitch in.The trick is finding the right jobs for eachchild. Some love to cook, some are cleanand neat and can wash and organize,others can sort laundry, while some willrun errands without complaining.

Ruchie: My boys can make scrambledeggs and French toast, and they can fryor grill chicken cutlets and hamburgers.They’ve filled in and made cholent in apinch, too. Would they have the sameskills if they had older sisters? No way tofind out now!

Do they fulfill roles of the other gender by default?

Leah: Definitely. We sing zemiros, shovel snow, help my fatherbuild and take down the sukkah, change light bulbs, figure outhow to put stuff together. When the first chassan came into thefamily, he sang Shalom Aleichem with my father and then said toall of us, “I apologize for causing you all to not be able to sing!”

Esty: They end up sharing more divrei Torah and singing morezemiros. My husband loves to do homework with them.He’ll also ask them to walk him partway to shul.

Sharon: They’re pretty much girls, but they do take outthe garbage and help shovel snow.

What is your greatest challenge, and what works foryou when confronted by it?

Chana Malka: Boys deplete your physicalenergy. If I don’t constantly stimulatethem, I’ll find them pulling the telephonewire, pouring water on the floor to dosponja, smearing food on the walls,hammering on something, cajoling thetwo-year-old into a box and trying to lifthim and carry him around ... to name a fewof the more docile activities! I swallow mypride and get as much help as I can!

Ruchie: Getting out at night can entailcomplex logistics: working out everyone’schavrusas and Maarivs to make sure therewill be full coverage at home at all times.Sometimes it’s just not worth it, and I stayhome. The onlysolution I know of… start yourfamily with atwelve-year-oldgirl!

Esty: “I don’t have what to wear.” My usual response: “This iswhat you have, we picked it together, and it still fits you.” Luckily,they have a school uniform, so this is only a problem on vacationdays!

Brochi: When my preschool daughter gave me a hard time everymorning, I made her a chart and hung it on her wall. We spentone Sunday taking pictures of her in each of her outfits, and wehung them up in order for Sunday, Monday, etc. (To help a non-reader, have her hold up the number of fingers corresponding tothe day of the week when snapping the picture). My daughterhardly ever followed the chart, but she did stop complaining!

Toby: Since they’re all girls, it’s hard to set boundaries. Once onedaughter starts something, like art lessons, it’s very hard to drawthe line. They definitely fight more because they are together somuch. No one goes to shul on Shabbos, and they’re all homeevery Sunday! I made a timetable: when you’re ten, you get to goto art; fourteen is music lessons, etc. I also enrolled some in aprogram at the Y to make Sundays more bearable.

Sharon: My biggest challenge is people who feel bad for me thatI only have girls! Baruch Hashem I have healthy children.

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What are their phone habits?

Chana Malka: They think it’s one of the best toys in the house!

Tzipora: They all love being on the phone, and two can dialnumbers themselves, but they don’t carry a conversation the way agirl would. It can be very one-sided, especially when they’respeaking to a family member. When it’s a friend, it’s usually moreanimated.

Devory: Quick and to the point, except for Kol Mevasser andWonderWords; those ‘listening phone calls’ can go on for hours.Sample conversation with chavrusa: “Yitzy? I’ll be ready in fiveminutes.” Slam.

Esty: After 9:00 p.m. I give my daughters the cellphone. There’s some bickering about it, but notmajor.

Toby: We have a house phone, and my husbandand I have cell phones. Last Chanukah, we boughtthe kids their own cell to share (it was cheaper thana second landline), but it’s still not enough. I rarelyget to use the house phone anymore. I speak to myfriends and family much less, since my girlsborrow my phone too!

Sharon: They ALL want cell phones (the older girlshave them) and like to speak to their friends. I wishthat there be some restrictions by halachicauthorities that limit the use of those phones foryoungsters. Their life is consumed by this...

How does it feel to be Mommy in aboy house? When are you lonely?

How does it feel to be Tatty in agirl house? When is he lonely?

Chana Malka: I love it. Boys are so much funand full of life! I don’t usually feel lonely.

Tzipora: I am the most important woman in allmy boys’ lives; it’s amazing!

Devory: I’m not lonely. The boys are great. Theyare very supportive during stressful times likeErev Yom Tov, and before and after camp. Whenthe father is a role model, and helps out, theboys follow suit.

Esty: Simchas Torah is hard without a boy. Wemake up a time to come see my husband dance,and then he goes home. Even just walking intoshul every Shabbos alone is hard for him.

Toby: My husband definitely feels outnumbered,but he claims that not having a boy bothers memore than it bothers him!

Sharon: I believe it’s hard for him when he goesto shul, or his friends are going to Avos U’vanim.

When you have a girl/boy house, you can neverhave enough____________(fill in the blank.)

Chana Malka: Toy cars! [B.P. comment: I have about 200 matchbox cars. Foryears, I kept packs in my closet and used them as prizes for everything —after the dentist, for a good report card … whatever! Relatively cheap, nosugar, and hours and hours of fun.]

Tzipora: Food!

Devory: Food. It’s always an issue, no matter how much you have!

Ruchie: Keep 3-minute foods in the freezer — Aaron’s beef patties, Smackin’Good knishes, chicken cutlets in individual zip-locks — for boys who arehungry after night-seder. Spare buttons and button locks (a plastic piece thatattaches buttons to coats and bekeshes, no needle or thread required). Andpatches.

Esty: Bows, ponytailholders, and brushes. Toby: Phone lines,socks, tights,

uniforms, shoes,brushes, shells,headbands, hoodiesand sweatshirts … andjewelry!

Sharon: Tights! HotWater! Salads!

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Do you feel you need to compensate by teaching yourchildren that the emotional makeup of girls differs fromthat of boys, since they don’t experience these differencesfirsthand?

Chana Malka: No. I teach them to besensitive to other people. I think basic middostraining should be sufficient.

Ruchie: Definitely! Whenever there arepolitics on the block between the boys andgirls, I’ll explain that they can’t say the samething to a girl as they can to their own friends.Take advantage while they’re young; later,there are fewer opportunities! Also, teach byexample. When you cut the burping contestshort, or interrupt a gory conversation, add,“Women don’t consider that appropriate tabletalk.”

Anything else you want to share?

Tzipora: Boys are amazing because of the funnythings they do and say; I would never change anylittle bit. I’m looking forward to wonderfuldaughters-in-law and lots of Yiddishe nachasfrom the grandchildren!

Devory: The nachas we have when we see themsharing the things they mutually enjoy: learningb’chavrusa, playing a good game of ball, ridingbikes, and camp memories. They have a lot incommon even though they are so different in ageand personality.

Mrs. Paluch lives in Brooklyn and is the author of Boy Oh Boy! A Mother’s Guide

to the Wonderful World of Boys.

Esty: I do try. We heard a boy say to a friend, “I’llnever forgive you!” My daughter was distraught.Twenty minutes later, those boys were playingtogether again — she was even more shocked. I triedmy best to explain that boys’ minds work differently!

Sharon: Yes, I married a man from an all-boy house,and I really believe he doesn’t “get” girls; hence,Hashem sent him a houseful!

Esty: My husband learned a lot about girls! If I forget a hairbow,my husband will know just what to bring me. He learned aboutdressing the girls in matching tops and skirts, and he knowshow to do it right!