saki - reginald in russia
TRANSCRIPT
8/2/2019 Saki - Reginald in Russia
http://slidepdf.com/reader/full/saki-reginald-in-russia 1/45
ProjectGutenbergEtextofReginaldinRussiaetcbySaki(Munro)#4inourseriesbySaki(H.H.Munro)
ThisetextwaspreparedbyJaneDuff;proofedbyDavidPrice,[email protected].
REGINALDINRUSSIAANDOTHERSKETCHES
Contents:
REGINALDINRUSSIATHERETICENCEOFLADYANNETHELOSTSANJAK
THESEXTHATDOESN'TSHOPTHEBLOOD-FEUDOFTOAD-WATERAYOUNGTURKISHCATASTROPHEJUDKINOFTHEPARCELSGABRIEL-ERNESTTHESAINTANDTHEGOBLINTHESOULOFLAPLOSHKATHEBAGTHESTRATEGISTCROSSCURRENTSTHEBAKER'SDOZENTHEMOUSE
REGINALDINRUSSIA
ReginaldsatinacornerofthePrincess'ssalonandtriedtoforgivethefurniture,whichstartedoutwithanobviousintentionofbeingLouisQuinze,butrelapsedatfrequentintervalsintoWilhelmII.
HeclassifiedthePrincesswiththatdistincttypeofwomanthatlooksasifithabituallywentouttofeedhensintherain.
HernamewasOlga;shekeptwhatshehopedandbelievedtobeafox-terrier,andprofessedwhatshethoughtwereSocialistopinions.ItisnotnecessarytobecalledOlgaifyouareaRussianPrincess;infact,ReginaldknewquiteanumberwhowerecalledVera;butthefox-terrierandtheSocialismareessential.
"TheCountessLomshenkeepsabull-dog,"saidthePrincesssuddenly."InEnglandisitmorechictohaveabull-dogthanafox-terrier?"
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Reginaldthrewhismindbackoverthecaninefashionsofthelasttenyearsandgaveanevasiveanswer.
"Doyouthinkherhandsome,theCountessLomshen?"askedthePrincess.
ReginaldthoughttheCountess'scomplexionsuggestedanexclusivedietofmacaroonsandpalesherry.Hesaidso.
"Butthatcannotbepossible,"saidthePrincesstriumphantly;"I'veseenhereatingfish-soupatDonon's."
ThePrincessalwaysdefendedafriend'scomplexionifitwasreallybad.Withher,aswithagreatmanyofhersex,charitybeganathomelinessanddidnotgenerallyprogressmuchfarther.
Reginaldwithdrewhismacaroonandsherrytheory,andbecameinterestedinacaseofminiatures.
"That?"saidthePrincess;"thatistheoldPrincessLorikoff.ShelivedinMillionayaStreet,neartheWinterPalace,andwasoneoftheCourtladiesoftheoldRussianschool.Herknowledgeofpeopleandeventswasextremelylimited;butsheusedtopatroniseeveryonewhocameincontactwithher.Therewasastorythatwhenshe
diedandlefttheMillionayaforHeavensheaddressedSt.PeterinherformalstaccatoFrench:'JesuislaPrincesseLor-i-koff.Ilmedonnegrandplaisirafairevotreconnaissance.JevousenpriemepresenterauBonDieu.'St.Petermadethedesiredintroduction,andthePrincessaddressedleBonDieu:'JesuislaPrincesseLor-i-koff.Ilmedonnegrandplaisirafairevotreconnaissance.Onasouventparledevousal'eglisedelarueMillion.'"
"OnlytheoldandtheclergyofEstablishedchurchesknowhowtobeflippantgracefully,"commentedReginald;"whichremindsmethatintheAnglicanChurchinacertainforeigncapital,whichshallbenameless,Iwaspresenttheotherdaywhenoneofthejuniorchaplainswaspreachinginaidofdistressedsomethingsorother,
andhebroughtareallyeloquentpassagetoaclosewiththeremark,'Thetearsoftheafflicted,towhatshallIlikenthem--todiamonds?'Theotherjuniorchaplain,whohadbeendozingoutofprofessionaljealousy,awokewithastartandaskedhurriedly,'ShallIplaytodiamonds,partner?'Itdidn'timprovematterswhentheseniorchaplainremarkeddreamilybutwithpainfuldistinctness,'Doublediamonds.'Everyonelookedatthepreacher,halfexpectinghimtoredouble,buthecontentedhimselfwithscoringwhatpointshecouldunderthecircumstances."
"YouEnglisharealwayssofrivolous,"saidthePrincess."InRussiawehavetoomanytroublestopermitofourbeinglighthearted."
Reginaldgaveadelicateshiver,suchasanItaliangreyhoundmightgiveincontemplatingtheapproachofaniceageofwhichhepersonallydisapproved,andresignedhimselftotheinevitablepoliticaldiscussion.
"NothingthatyouhearaboutusinEnglandistrue,"wasthePrincess'shopefulbeginning.
"IalwaysrefusedtolearnRussiangeographyatschool,"observed
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Reginald;"Iwascertainsomeofthenamesmustbewrong."
"Everythingiswrongwithoursystemofgovernment,"continuedthePrincessplacidly."TheBureaucratsthinkonlyoftheirpockets,andthepeopleareexploitedandplunderedineverydirection,andeverythingismismanaged."
"Withus,"saidReginald,"aCabinetusuallygetsthecreditofbeingdepravedandworthlessbeyondtheboundsofhumanconceptionbythetimeithasbeeninofficeaboutfouryears."
"ButifitisabadGovernmentyoucanturnitoutattheelections,"arguedthePrincess.
"AsfarasIremember,wegenerallydo,"saidReginald.
"Buthereitisdreadful,everyonegoestosuchextremes.InEnglandyounevergotoextremes."
"WegototheAlbertHall,"explainedReginald.
"Thereisalwaysasee-sawwithusbetweenrepressionandviolence,"continuedthePrincess;"andthepityofitisthepeoplearereallynotintheleastinclinedtobeanythingbutpeaceable.Nowhere
willyoufindpeoplemoregood-natured,orfamilycircleswherethereismoreaffection."
"ThereIagreewithyou,"saidReginald."IknowaboywholivessomewhereontheFrenchQuaywhoisacaseinpoint.Hishaircurlsnaturally,especiallyonSundays,andheplaysbridgewell,evenforaRussian,whichissayingmuch.Idon'tthinkhehasanyotheraccomplishments,buthisfamilyaffectionisreallyofaveryhighorder.Whenhismaternalgrandmotherdiedhedidn'tgoasfarastogiveupbridgealtogether,buthedeclaredonnothingbutblacksuitsforthenextthreemonths.That,Ithink,wasreallybeautiful."
ThePrincesswasnotimpressed.
"Ithinkyoumustbeveryself-indulgentandliveonlyforamusement,"shesaid,"alifeofpleasure-seekingandcard-playinganddissipationbringsonlydissatisfaction.Youwillfindthatoutsomeday."
"Oh,Iknowitturnsoutthatwaysometimes,"assentedReginald."Forbiddenfizzisoftenthesweetest."
ButtheremarkwaswastedonthePrincess,whopreferredchampagnethathadatleastasuggestionofdissolvedbarley-sugar.
"Ihopeyouwillcomeandseemeagain,"shesaid,inatonethatpreventedthehopefrombecomingtooinfectious;addingasahappyafterthought,"youmustcometostaywithusinthecountry."
HerparticularpartofthecountrywasafewhundredverststheothersideofTamboff,withsomefifteenmilesofagrariandisturbancebetweenherandthenearestneighbour.Reginaldfeltthatthereissomeprivacywhichshouldbesacredfromintrusion.
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THERETICENCEOFLADYANNE
Egbertcameintothelarge,dimlylitdrawing-roomwiththeairofamanwhoisnotcertainwhetherheisenteringadovecoteorabombfactory,andispreparedforeithereventuality.Thelittledomesticquarrelovertheluncheon-tablehadnotbeenfoughttoadefinitefinish,andthequestionwashowfarLadyAnnewasinamoodtoreneworforgohostilities.Herposeinthearm-chairbythetea-tablewasratherelaboratelyrigid;inthegloomofaDecemberafternoonEgbert'spince-nezdidnotmateriallyhelphimtodiscerntheexpressionofherface.
Bywayofbreakingwhatevericemightbefloatingonthesurfacehemadearemarkaboutadimreligiouslight.HeorLadyAnnewereaccustomedtomakethatremarkbetween4.30and6onwinterandlateautumnevenings;itwasapartoftheirmarriedlife.Therewasnorecognisedrejoindertoit,andLadyAnnemadenone.
DonTarquiniolayastretchonthePersianrug,baskinginthefirelightwithsuperbindifferencetothepossibleill-humourofLadyAnne.HispedigreewasasflawlesslyPersianastherug,and
hisruffwascomingintothegloryofitssecondwinter.Thepage-boy,whohadRenaissancetendencies,hadchristenedhimDonTarquinio.Lefttothemselves,EgbertandLadyAnnewouldunfailinglyhavecalledhimFluff,buttheywerenotobstinate.
Egbertpouredhimselfoutsometea.AsthesilencegavenosignofbreakingonLadyAnne'sinitiative,hebracedhimselfforanotherYermakeffort.
"Myremarkatlunchhadapurelyacademicapplication,"heannounced;"youseemtoputanunnecessarilypersonalsignificanceintoit."
LadyAnnemaintainedherdefensivebarrierofsilence.ThebullfinchlazilyfilledintheintervalwithanairfromIphigenieenTauride.Egbertrecogniseditimmediately,becauseitwastheonlyairthebullfinchwhistled,andhehadcometothemwiththereputationforwhistlingit.BothEgbertandLadyAnnewouldhavepreferredsomethingfromTheYeomenoftheGuard,whichwastheirfavouriteopera.Inmattersartistictheyhadasimilarityoftaste.Theyleanedtowardsthehonestandexplicitinart,apicture,forinstance,thattolditsownstory,withgenerousassistancefromitstitle.Ariderlesswarhorsewithharnessinobviousdisarray,staggeringintoacourtyardfullofpaleswooningwomen,andmarginallynoted"BadNews",suggestedtotheirmindsadistinctinterpretationofsomemilitarycatastrophe.Theycould
seewhatitwasmeanttoconvey,andexplainittofriendsofdullerintelligence.
Thesilencecontinued.AsaruleLadyAnne'sdispleasurebecamearticulateandmarkedlyvolubleafterfourminutesofintroductorymuteness.EgbertseizedthemilkjugandpouredsomeofitscontentsintoDonTarquinio'ssaucer;asthesaucerwasalreadyfulltothebrimanunsightlyoverflowwastheresult.DonTarquiniolookedonwithasurprisedinterestthatevanescedintoelaborateunconsciousnesswhenhewasappealedtobyEgberttocomeanddrink
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upsomeofthespiltmatter.DonTarquiniowaspreparedtoplaymanyrolesinlife,butavacuumcarpet-cleanerwasnotoneofthem.
"Don'tyouthinkwe'rebeingratherfoolish?"saidEgbertcheerfully.
IfLadyAnnethoughtsoshedidn'tsayso.
"Idaresaythefaulthasbeenpartlyonmyside,"continuedEgbert,withevaporatingcheerfulness."Afterall,I'monlyhuman,youknow.YouseemtoforgetthatI'monlyhuman."
Heinsistedonthepoint,asiftherehadbeenunfoundedsuggestionsthathewasbuiltonSatyrlines,withgoatcontinuationswherethehumanleftoff.
ThebullfinchrecommenceditsairfromIphigenieenTauride.Egbertbegantofeeldepressed.LadyAnnewasnotdrinkinghertea.Perhapsshewasfeelingunwell.ButwhenLadyAnnefeltunwellshewasnotwonttobereticentonthesubject."NooneknowswhatIsufferfromindigestion"wasoneofherfavouritestatements;butthelackofknowledgecanonlyhavebeencausedbydefectivelistening;theamountofinformationavailableonthesubjectwouldhavesuppliedmaterialforamonograph.
EvidentlyLadyAnnewasnotfeelingunwell.
Egbertbegantothinkhewasbeingunreasonablydealtwith;naturallyhebegantomakeconcessions.
"Idaresay,"heobserved,takingascentralapositiononthehearth-rugasDonTarquiniocouldbepersuadedtoconcedehim,"Imayhavebeentoblame.Iamwilling,ifIcantherebyrestorethingstoahappierstandpoint,toundertaketoleadabetterlife."
Hewonderedvaguelyhowitwouldbepossible.Temptationscametohim,inmiddleage,tentativelyandwithoutinsistence,likea
neglectedbutcher-boywhoasksforaChristmasboxinFebruaryfornomorehopefulreasonthatthanhedidn'tgetoneinDecember.Hehadnomoreideaofsuccumbingtothemthanhehadofpurchasingthefish-knivesandfurboasthatladiesareimpelledtosacrificethroughthemediumofadvertisementcolumnsduringtwelvemonthsoftheyear.Still,therewassomethingimpressiveinthisunasked-forrenunciationofpossiblylatentenormities.
LadyAnneshowednosignofbeingimpressed.
Egbertlookedathernervouslythroughhisglasses.Togettheworstofanargumentwithherwasnonewexperience.Togettheworstofamonologuewasahumiliatingnovelty.
"Ishallgoanddressfordiner,"heannouncedinavoiceintowhichheintendedsomeshadeofsternnesstocreep.
Atthedoorafinalaccessofweaknessimpelledhimtomakeafurtherappeal.
"Aren'twebeingverysilly?"
"Afool"wasDonTarquinio'smentalcommentasthedoorclosedon
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Egbert'sretreat.Thenheliftedhisvelvetforepawsintheairandleaptlightlyontoabookshelfimmediatelyunderthebullfinch'scage.Itwasthefirsttimehehadseemedtonoticethebird'sexistence,buthewascarryingoutalong-formedtheoryofactionwiththeprecisionofmaturedeliberation.Thebullfinch,whohadfanciedhimselfsomethingofadespot,depressedhimselfofasuddenintoathirdofhisnormaldisplacement;thenhefelltoahelplesswing-beatingandshrillcheeping.Hehadcosttwenty-sevenshillingswithoutthecage,butLadyAnnemadenosignofinterfering.Shehadbeendeadfortwohours.
THELOSTSANJAK
TheprisonChaplainenteredthecondemned'scellforthelasttime,togivesuchconsolationashemight.
"TheonlyconsolationIcravefor,"saidthecondemned,"istotellmystoryinitsentiretytosomeonewhowillatleastgiveitarespectfulhearing."
"Wemustnotbetoolongoverit,"saidtheChaplain,lookingathiswatch.
Thecondemnedrepressedashiverandcommenced.
"MostpeoplewillbeofopinionthatIampayingthepenaltyofmyownviolentdeeds.InrealityIamavictimtoalackofspecialisationinmyeducationandcharacter."
"Lackofspecialisation!"saidtheChaplain.
"Yes.IfIhadbeenknownasoneofthefewmeninEnglandfamiliarwiththefaunaoftheOuterHebrides,orabletorepeatstanzasof
Camoens'poetryintheoriginal,Ishouldhavehadnodifficultyinprovingmyidentityinthecrisiswhenmyidentitybecameamatteroflifeanddeathforme.Butmyeducationwasmerelyamoderatelygoodone,andmytemperamentwasofthegeneralorderthatavoidsspecialisation.Iknowalittleinageneralwayaboutgardeningandhistoryandoldmasters,butIcouldnevertellyouoff-handwhether'StellavanderLoopen'wasachrysanthemumoraheroineoftheAmericanWarofIndependence,orsomethingbyRomneyintheLouvre."
TheChaplainshifteduneasilyinhisseat.Nowthatthealternativeshadbeensuggestedtheyallseemeddreadfullypossible.
"Ifellinlove,orthoughtIdid,withthelocaldoctor'swife,"continuedthecondemned."WhyIshouldhavedoneso,Icannotsay,forIdonotrememberthatshepossessedanyparticularattractionsofmindorbody.Onlookingbackatpasteventsifseemstomethatshemusthavebeendistinctlyordinary,butIsupposethedoctorhadfalleninlovewithheronce,andwhatmanhaddonemancando.SheappearedtobepleasedwiththeattentionswhichIpaidher,andtothatextentIsupposeImightsaysheencouragedme,butIthinkshewashonestlyunawarethatImeantanythingmorethanalittleneighbourlyinterest.WhenoneisfacetofacewithDeathone
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wishestobejust."
TheChaplainmurmuredapproval."Atanyrate,shewasgenuinelyhorrifiedwhenItookadvantageofthedoctor'sabsenceoneeveningtodeclarewhatIbelievedtobemypassion.Shebeggedmetopassoutofherlife,andIcouldscarcelydootherwisethanagree,thoughIhadn'tthedimmestideaofhowitwastobedone.InnovelsandplaysIknewitwasaregularoccurrence,andifyoumistookalady'ssentimentsorintentionsyouwentofftoIndiaanddidthingsonthefrontierasamatterofcourse.AsIstumbledalongthedoctor'scarriagedriveIhadnoveryclearideaastowhatmylineofactionwastobe,butIhadavaguefeelingthatImustlookattheTimesAtlasbeforegoingtobed.Then,onthedarkandlonelyhighway,Icamesuddenlyonadeadbody."
TheChaplain'sinterestinthestoryvisiblyquickened.
"Judgingbytheclothesitwore,thecorpsewasthatofaSalvationArmycaptain.Someshockingaccidentseemedtohavestruckhimdown,andtheheadwascrushedandbatteredoutofallhumansemblance.Probably,Ithought,amotor-carfatality;andthen,withasuddenovermasteringinsistence,cameanotherthought,thatherewasaremarkableopportunityforlosingmyidentityandpassingoutofthelifeofthedoctor'swifeforever.Notiresomeand
riskyvoyagetodistantlands,butamereexchangeofclothesandidentitywiththeunknownvictimofanunwitnessedaccident.WithconsiderabledifficultyIundressedthecorpse,andclotheditanewinmyowngarments.AnyonewhohasvaletedadeadSalvationArmycaptaininanuncertainlightwillappreciatethedifficulty.Withtheidea,presumably,ofinducingthedoctor'swifetoleaveherhusband'sroof-treeforsomehabitationwhichwouldberunatmyexpense,Ihadcrammedmypocketswithastoreofbanknotes,whichrepresentedagooddealofmyimmediateworldlywealth.When,therefore,IstoleawayintotheworldintheguiseofanamelessSalvationist,Iwasnotwithoutresourceswhichwouldeasilysupportsohumblearoleforaconsiderableperiod.Itrampedtoaneighbouringmarket-town,and,lateasthehourwas,theproduction
ofafewshillingsprocuredmesupperandanight'slodginginacheapcoffee-house.ThenextdayIstartedforthonanaimlesscourseofwanderingfromonesmalltowntoanother.Iwasalreadysomewhatdisgustedwiththeupshotofmysuddenfreak;inafewhours'timeIwasconsiderablymoreso.Inthecontents-billofalocalnewssheetIreadtheannouncementofmyownmurderatthehandsofsomepersonunknown;onbuyingacopyofthepaperforadetailedaccountofthetragedy,whichatfirsthadarousedinmeacertaingrimamusement,IfoundthatthedeedascribedtoawanderingSalvationistofdoubtfulantecedents,whohadbeenseenlurkingintheroadwaynearthesceneofthecrime.Iwasnolongeramused.Thematterpromisedtobeembarrassing.WhatIhadmistakenforamotoraccidentwasevidentlyacaseofsavageassault
andmurder,and,untiltherealculpritwasfound,Ishouldhavemuchdifficultyinexplainingmyintrusionintotheaffair.OfcourseIcouldestablishmyownidentity;buthow,withoutdisagreeablyinvolvingthedoctor'swife,couldIgiveanyadequatereasonforchangingclotheswiththemurderedman?Whilemybrainworkedfeverishlyatthisproblem,Isubconsciouslyobeyedasecondaryinstinct--togetasfarawayaspossiblefromthesceneofthecrime,andtogetridatallcostsofmyincriminatinguniform.ThereIfoundadifficulty.Itriedtwoorthreeobscureclothesshops,butmyentranceinvariablyarousedanattitudeofhostile
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suspicionintheproprietors,andononeexcuseoranothertheyavoidedservingmewiththenowardentlydesiredchangeofclothing.TheuniformthatIhadsothoughtlesslydonnedseemedasdifficulttogetoutofasthefatalshirtof--Youknow,Iforgetthecreature'sname."
"Yes,yes,"saidtheChaplainhurriedly."Goonwithyourstory."
"Somehow,untilIcouldgetoutofthosecompromisinggarments,Ifeltitwouldnotbesafetosurrendermyselftothepolice.Thethingthatpuzzledmewaswhynoattemptwasmadetoarrestme,sincetherewasnoquestionastothesuspicionwhichfollowedme,likeaninseparableshadow,whereverIwent.Stares,nudgings,whisperings,andevenloud-spokenremarksof'that's'im'greetedmyeveryappearance,andthemeanestandmostdesertedeating-housethatIpatronisedsoonbecamefilledwithacrowdoffurtivelywatchingcustomers.IbegantosympathisewiththefeelingofRoyalpersonagestryingtodoalittleprivateshoppingundertheunsparingscrutinyofanirrepressiblepublic.Andstill,withallthisinarticulateshadowing,whichweighedonmynervesalmostworsethanopenhostilitywouldhavedone,noattemptwasmadetointerferewithmyliberty.LateronIdiscoveredthereason.Atthetimeofthemurderonthelonelyhighwayaseriesofimportantbloodhoundtrialshadbeentakingplaceinthenearneighbourhood,
andsomedozenandahalfcouplesoftrainedanimalshadbeenputonthetrackofthesupposedmurderer--onmytrack.Oneofourmostpublic-spiritedLondondailieshadofferedaprincelyprizetotheownerofthepairthatshouldfirsttrackmedown,andbettingonthechancesoftherespectivecompetitorsbecamerifethroughouttheland.Thedogsrangedfarandwideoveraboutthirteencounties,andthoughmyownmovementshadbecomebythistimeperfectlywell-knowntopoliceandpublicalike,thesportinginstinctsofthenationsteppedintopreventmyprematurearrest."Givethedogsachance,"wastheprevailingsentiment,wheneversomeambitiouslocalconstablewishedtoputanendtomydrawn-outevasionofjustice.Myfinalcapturebythewinningpairwasnotaverydramaticepisode,infact,I'mnotsurethattheywouldhavetakenanynotice
ofmeifIhadn'tspokentothemandpattedthem,buttheeventgaverisetoanextraordinaryamountofpartisanexcitement.TheownerofthepairwhowerenextnearestupatthefinishwasanAmerican,andhelodgedaprotestonthegroundthatanotterhoundhadmarriedintothefamilyofthewinningpairsixgenerationsago,andthattheprizehadbeenofferedtothefirstpairofbloodhoundstocapturethemurderer,andthatadogthathad1/64thpartofotterhoundbloodinitcouldn'ttechnicallybeconsideredabloodhound.Iforgethowthematterwasultimatelysettled,butitarousedatremendousamountofacrimoniousdiscussiononbothsidesoftheAtlantic.Myowncontributiontothecontroversyconsistedinpointingoutthatthewholedisputewasbesidethemark,astheactualmurdererhadnotyetbeencaptured;butIsoondiscovered
thatonthispointtherewasnottheleastdivergenceofpublicorexpertopinion.Ihadlookedforwardapprehensivelytotheprovingofmyidentityandtheestablishmentofmymotivesasadisagreeablenecessity;Ispeedilyfoundoutthatthemostdisagreeablepartofthebusinesswasthatitcouldn'tbedone.WhenIsawintheglassthehaggardandhuntedexpressionwhichtheexperiencesofthepastfewweekshadstampedonmyerstwhileplacidcountenance,IcouldscarcelyfeelsurprisedthatthefewfriendsandrelationsIpossessedrefusedtorecognisemeinmyalteredguise,andpersistedintheirobstinatebutwidelysharedbeliefthatitwasIwhohad
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beendonetodeathonthehighway.Tomakemattersworse,infinitelyworse,anauntofthereallymurderedman,anappallingfemaleofanobviouslyloworderofintelligence,identifiedmeashernephew,andgavetheauthoritiesaluridaccountofmydepravedyouthandofherlaudablebutunavailingeffortstospankmeintoabetterway.Ibelieveitwasevenproposedtosearchmeforfingerprints."
"But,"saidtheChaplain,"surelyyoureducationalattainments--"
"Thatwasjustthecrucialpoint,"saidthecondemned;"thatwaswheremylackofspecialisationtoldsofatallyagainstme.ThedeadSalvationist,whoseidentityIhadsolightlyandsodisastrouslyadopted,hadpossessedaveneerofcheapmoderneducation.Itshouldhavebeeneasytodemonstratethatmylearningwasonaltogetheranotherplanetohis,butinmynervousnessIbungledmiserablyovertestaftertestthatwasputtome.ThelittleFrenchIhadeverknowndesertedme;Icouldnotrenderasimplephraseaboutthegooseberryofthegardenerintothatlanguage,becauseIhadforgottentheFrenchforgooseberry."
TheChaplainagainwriggleduneasilyinhisseat."Andthen,"resumedthecondemned,"camethefinaldiscomfiture.Inourvillagewehadamodestlittledebatingclub,andIrememberedhaving
promised,chiefly,Isuppose,topleaseandimpressthedoctor'swife,togiveasketchykindoflectureontheBalkanCrisis.Ihadreliedonbeingabletogetupmyfactsfromoneortwostandardworks,andtheback-numbersofcertainperiodicals.TheprosecutionhadmadeacarefulnoteofthecircumstancethatthemanwhomIclaimedtobe--andactuallywas--hadposedlocallyassomesortofsecond-handauthorityonBalkanaffairs,and,inthemidstofastringofquestionsonindifferenttopics,theexaminingcounselaskedmewithadiabolicalsuddennessifIcouldtelltheCourtthewhereaboutsofNovibazar.Ifeltthequestiontobeacrucialone;somethingtoldmethattheanswerwasSt.PetersburgorBakerStreet.Ihesitated,lookedhelplesslyroundattheseaoftenselyexpectantfaces,pulledmyselftogether,andchoseBakerStreet.
AndthenIknewthateverythingwaslost.Theprosecutionhadnodifficultyindemonstratingthatanindividual,evenmoderatelyversedintheaffairsoftheNearEast,couldneverhavesounceremoniouslydislocatedNovibazarfromitsaccustomedcornerofthemap.ItwasananswerwhichtheSalvationArmycaptainmightconceivablyhavemade--andImadeit.ThecircumstantialevidenceconnectingtheSalvationistwiththecrimewasoverwhelminglyconvincing,andIhadinextricablyidentifiedmyselfwiththeSalvationist.Andthusitcomestopassthatintenminutes'timeIshallbehangedbytheneckuntilIamdeadinexpiationofthemurderofmyself,whichmurdernevertookplace,andofwhich,inanycase,Iaminnocent."
***
WhentheChaplainreturnedtohisquarterssomefifteenminuteslater,theblackflagwasfloatingovertheprisontower.Breakfastwaswaitingforhiminthedining-room,buthefirstpassedintohislibrary,and,takinguptheTimesAtlas,consultedamapoftheBalkanPeninsula."Athinglikethat,"heobserved,closingthevolumewithasnap,"mighthappentoanyone."
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THESEXTHATDOESN'TSHOP
TheopeningofalargenewcentreforWestEndshopping,particularlyfeminineshopping,suggeststhereflection,Dowomeneverreallyshop?Ofcourse,itisawell-attestedfactthattheygoforthshoppingasassiduouslyasabeegoesflower-visiting,butdotheyshopinthepracticalsenseoftheword?Grantedthemoney,time,andenergy,aresolutecourseofshoppingtransactionswouldnaturallyresultinhavingone'sordinarydomesticneedsunfailinglysupplied,whereasitisnotoriousthatwomenservants(andhousewivesofallclasses)makeitalmostapointofhonournottobesuppliedwitheverydaynecessities."WeshallbeoutofstarchbyThursday,"theysaywithfatalisticforeboding,andbyThursdaytheyareoutofstarch.TheyhavepredictedalmosttoaminutethemomentwhentheirsupplywouldgiveoutandifThursdayhappenstobeearlyclosingdaytheirtriumphiscomplete.Ashopwherestarchisstoredforretailpurposespossiblystandsattheirverydoor,butthefemininemindhasrejectedsuchanobvioussourceforreplenishingadwindlingstock."Wedon'tdealthere"placesitatoncebeyondthepaleofhumanresort.Anditisnoteworthythat,justasasheep-worryingdogseldommoleststheflocksinhisnear
neighbourhood,soawomanrarelydealswithshopsinherimmediatevicinity.Themoreremotethesourceofsupplythemorefixedseemstobetheresolvetorunshortofthecommodity.TheArkhadprobablynotquitteditslastmooringsfiveminutesbeforesomefemininevoicegloatinglyrecordedashortageofbird-seed.Afewdaysagotwoladyacquaintancesofminewereconfessingtosomementaluneasinessbecauseafriendhadcalledjustbeforelunch-time,andtheyhadbeenunabletoaskhertostopandsharetheirmeal,as(withatouchoflegitimatepride)"therewasnothinginthehouse."Ipointedoutthattheylivedinastreetthatbristledwithprovisionshopsandthatitwouldhavebeeneasytomobiliseaverypassableluncheoninlessthanfiveminutes."That,"theysaidwithquietdignity,"wouldnothaveoccurredtous,"andIfeltthat
Ihadsuggestedsomethingborderingontheindecent.
Butitisincateringforherliterarywantsthatawoman'sshoppingcapacitybreaksdownmostcompletely.Ifyouhaveperchanceproducedabookwhichhasmetwithsomelittlemeasureofsuccess,youarecertaintogetaletterfromsomeladywhomyouscarcelyknowntobowto,askingyou"howitcanbegot."Sheknowsthenameofthebook,itsauthor,andwhopublishedit,buthowtogetintoactualcontactwithitisstillanunsolvedproblemtoher.Youwritebackpointingoutthattohaverecoursetoanironmongeroracorn-dealerwillonlyentaildelayanddisappointment,andsuggestanapplicationtoabooksellerasthemosthopefulthingyoucanthinkof.Inadayortwoshewritesagain:"Itisallright;I
haveborroweditfromyouraunt."Here,ofcourse,wehaveanexampleoftheBeyond-Shopper,onewhohaslearnedtheBetterWay,butthehelplessnessexistsevenwhensuchbypathsofreliefareclosed.AladywholivesintheWestEndwasexpressingtometheotherdayherinterestinWestHighlandterriers,andherdesiretoknowmoreaboutthebreed,sowhen,afewdayslater,Icameacrossanexhaustivearticleonthatsubjectinthecurrentnumberofoneofourbestknownoutdoor-lifeweeklies,Imentionedthatcircumstanceinaletter,givingthedateofthatnumber."Icannotgetthepaper,"washertelephonedresponse.Andshecouldn't.She
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livedinacitywherenewsagentsarenumbered,Isuppose,bythethousand,andshemusthavepasseddozensofsuchshopsinherdailyshoppingexcursions,butasfarasshewasconcernedthatarticleonWestHighlandterriersmightaswellhavebeenwritteninamissalstoredawayinsomeBuddhistmonasteryinEasternThibet.
Thebrutaldirectnessofthemasculineshopperarousesacertaincombativederisioninthefeminineonlooker.Acatthatspreadsoneshrew-mouseoverthegreaterpartofalongsummerafternoon,andthenpossiblyloseshim,doubtlessfeelsthesamecontemptfortheterrierwhocompresseshisratintotensecondsofthestrenuouslife.IwasfinishingoffashortlistofpurchasesafewafternoonsagowhenIwasdiscoveredbyaladyofmyacquaintancewhom,swervingasidefromtheleadgivenusbyhergodparentsthirtyyearsago,wewillcallAgatha.
"You'resurelynotbuyingblotting-paperHERE?"sheexclaimedinanagitatedwhisper,andsheseemedsogenuinelyconcernedthatIstayedmyhand.
"LetmetakeyoutoWinksandPinks,"shesaidassoonaswewereoutofthebuilding:"they'vegotsuchlovelyshadesofblotting-paper--pearlandheliotropeandmomieandcrushed--"
"ButIwantordinarywhiteblotting-paper,"Isaid.
"Nevermind.TheyknowmeatWinksandPinks,"sherepliedinconsequently.Agathaapparentlyhasanideathatblotting-paperisonlysoldinsmallquantitiestopersonsofknownreputation,whomaybetrustednottoputittodangerousorimproperuses.Afterwalkingsometwohundredyardsshebegantofeelthatherteawasofmoreimmediateimportancethanmyblotting-paper.
"Whatdoyouwantblotting-paperfor?"sheaskedsuddenly.Iexplainedpatiently.
"Iuseittodryuptheinkofwetmanuscriptwithoutsmudgingthe
writing.ProbablyaChineseinventionofthesecondcenturybeforeChrist,butI'mnotsure.TheonlyotheruseforitthatIcanthinkofistorollitintoaballforakittentoplaywith."
"Butyouhaven'tgotakitten,"saidAgatha,withafemininedesireforstatingtheentiretruthonmostoccasions.
"Astrayonemightcomeinatanymoment,"Ireplied.
Anyway,Ididn'tgettheblotting-paper.
THEBLOOD-FEUDOFTOAD-WATERAWEST-COUNTRYEPIC
TheCrickslivedatToad-Water;andinthesamelonelyuplandspotFatehadpitchedthehomeoftheSaunderses,andformilesaroundthesetwodwellingstherewasneveraneighbourorachimneyorevenaburying-groundtobringasenseofcheerfulcommunionorsocialintercourse.Nothingbutfieldsandspinneysandbarns,lanesand
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waste-lands.SuchwasToad-Water;and,evenso,Toad-Waterhaditshistory.
Thrustawayinthebenightedhinterlandofascatteredmarketdistrict,itmighthavebeensupposedthatthesetwodetacheditemsoftheGreatHumanFamilywouldhaveleanedtowardsoneanotherinafellowshipbegottenofkindredcircumstancesandacommonisolationfromtheouterworld.Andperhapsithadbeensoonce,butthewayofthingshadbroughtitotherwise.Indeed,otherwise.Fate,whichhadlinkedthetwofamiliesinsuchunavoidableassociationofhabitat,hadordainedthattheCrickhouseholdshouldnourishandmaintainamongitsearthlypossessionssundryheadofdomesticfowls,whiletotheSaunderseswasgivenadispositiontowardsthecultivationofgardencrops.Hereinlaythematerial,readytohand,forthecomingoffeudandill-blood.Forthegrudgebetweenthemanofherbsandthemanoflivestockisnonewthing;youwillfindtracesofitinthefourthchapterofGenesis.Andonesunnyafternooninlatespring-timethefeudcame--came,assuchthingsmostlydocome,withseemingaimlessnessandtriviality.OneoftheCrickhens,inobediencetothenomadicinstinctsofherkind,weariedofherlegitimatescatching-ground,andflewoverthelowwallthatdividedtheholdingsoftheneighbours.Andthere,ontheyonderside,withahurriedconsciousnessthathertimeandopportunitiesmightbelimited,themisguidedbirdscratchedand
scrapedandbeakedanddelvedinthesoftyieldingbedthathadbeenpreparedforthesolaceandwell-beingofacolonyofseedlingonions.Littleshowersofearth-mouldandroot-fibreswentsprayingbeforethehenandbehindher,andeveryminutetheareaofheroperationswidened.Theonionssufferedconsiderably.Mrs.Saunders,saunteringatthislucklessmomentdownthegardenpath,inordertofillhersoulwithreproachesattheiniquityoftheweeds,whichgrewfasterthansheorhergoodmancaredtoremovethem,stoppedinmutediscomfiturebeforethepresenceofamoremagnificentgrievance.Andthen,inthehourofhercalamity,sheturnedinstinctivelytotheGreatMother,andgatheredinhercapacioushandslargeclodsofthehardbrownsoilthatlayatherfeet.Withaterriblesincerityofpurpose,thoughwitha
contemptibleinadequacyofaim,sherainedherearthboltsatthemarauder,andtheburstingpelletscalledforthafloodofcacklingprotestandpanicfromthehastilydepartingfowl.Calmnessundermisfortuneisnotanattributeofeitherhen-folkorwomenkind,andwhileMrs.SaundersdeclaimedoverheronionbedsuchportionsoftheslangdictionaryasarepermittedbytheNonconformistconsciencetobesaidorsung,theVascodaGamafowlwaswakingtheechoesofToad-Waterwithcrescendoburstsofthroatmusicwhichcompelledattentiontohergriefs.Mrs.Crickhadalongfamily,andwasthereforelicensed,intheeyesofherworld,tohaveashorttemper,andwhensomeofherubiquitousoffspringhadinformedher,withtheauthorityofeye-witnesses,thatherneighbourhadsofarforgottenherselfastoheavestonesatherhen--herbesthen,
thebestlayerinthecountryside--herthoughtsclothedthemselvesinlanguage"unbecomingtoaChristianwoman"--soatleastsaidMrs.Saunders,towhommostofthelanguagewasapplied.Norwasshe,onherpart,surprisedatMrs.Crick'sconductinlettingherhensstrayintootherbody'sgardens,andthenabusingofthem,seeingashowsherememberedthingsagainstMrs.Crick--andthelattersimultaneouslyhadrecollectionsoflurkingepisodesinthepastofSusanSaundersthatwerenothingtohercredit."Fondmemory,whenallthingsfadeweflytothee,"andinthepalinglightofanAprilafternoonthetwowomenconfrontedeachotherfromtheirrespective
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AYOUNGTURKISHCATASTROPHEINTWOSCENES
TheMinisterforFineArts(towhoseDepartmenthadbeenlatelyaddedthenewsub-sectionofElectoralEngineering)paidabusinessvisittotheGrandVizier.AccordingtoEasternetiquettetheydiscoursedforawhileonindifferentsubjects.TheministeronlycheckedhimselfintimefrommakingapassingreferencetotheMarathonRace,rememberingthattheVizierhadaPersiangrandmotherandmightconsideranyallusiontoMarathonassomewhattactless.PresentlytheMinisterbroachedthesubjectofhisinterview.
"UnderthenewConstitutionarewomentohavevotes?"heaskedsuddenly.
"Tohavevotes?Women?"exclaimedtheVizierinsomeastonishment."MydearPasha,theNewDeparturehasaflavouroftheabsurdasitis;don'tlet'stryandmakeitaltogetherridiculous.Womenhavenosoulsandnointelligence;whyonearthshouldtheyhavevotes?"
"Iknowitsoundsabsurd,"saidtheMinister,"buttheyareseriouslyconsideringtheideaintheWest."
"ThentheymusthavealargerequipmentofseriousnessthanIgavethemcreditfor.AfteralifetimeofspecialisedeffortinmaintainingmygravityIcanscarcelyrestrainaninclinationtosmileatthesuggestion.Why,outwomenfolkinmostcasesdon'tknowhowtoreadorwrite.Howcouldtheyperformtheoperationofvoting?"
"Theycouldbeshownthenamesofthecandidatesandwheretomaketheircross."
"Ibegyourpardon?"interruptedtheVizier.
"Theircrescent,Imean,"correctedtheMinister."ItwouldbetothelikingoftheYoungTurkishParty,"headded.
"Oh,well,"saidtheVizier,"ifwearetodothethingatallwemayaswellgothewholeh-"hepulledupjustashewasutteringthenameofanuncleananimal,andcontinued,"thecompletecamel.Iwillissueinstructionsthatwomenfolkaretohavevotes."
***
ThepollwasdrawingtoacloseintheLakoumistandivision.ThecandidateoftheYoungTurkishPartywasknowntobethreeorfourhundredvotesahead,andhewasalreadydraftinghisaddress,
returningthankstotheelectors.Hisvictoryhadbeenalmostaforegoneconclusion,forhehadsetinmotionalltheapprovedelectioneeringmachineryoftheWest.Hehadevenemployedmotorcars.Fewofhissupportershadgonetothepollinthesevehicles,but,thankstotheintelligentdrivingofhischauffeurs,manyofhisopponentshadgonetotheirgravesortothelocalhospitals,orotherwiseabstainedfromvoting.Andthensomethingunlooked-forhappened.Therivalcandidate,AlitheBlest,arrivedonthescenewithhiswivesandwomenfolk,whonumbered,roughly,sixhundred.Alihadwastedlittleeffortonelectionliterature,
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buthadbeenheardtoremarkthateveryvotegiventohisopponentmeantanothersackthrownintotheBosphorus.TheYoungTurkishcandidate,whohadconformedtotheWesterncustomofonewifeandhardlyanymistresses,stoodbyhelplesslywhilehisadversary'spollswelledtoatriumphantmajority.
"CristabelColumbus!"heexclaimed,invokinginsomeconfusionthenameofadistinguishedpioneer;"whowouldhavethoughtit?"
"Strange,"musedAli,"thatonewhoharanguedsoclamorouslyabouttheSecretBallotshouldhaveoverlookedtheVeiledVote."
And,walkinghomewardwithhisconstituents,hemurmuredinhisbeardanimprovisationonthehereticpoetofPersia:
"One,richinmetaphors,hisCausecontrivesTourgewithedgedwords,likeKabulknives;AndI,whoworsthiminthissorrygame,Wasneverrichinanythingbut--wives."
JUDKINOFTHEPARCELS
Afigureinanindefinitetweedsuit,carryingbrown-paperparcels.Thatiswhatwemetsuddenly,atthebendofamuddyDorsetshirelane,andtheroanmarestaredandobviouslythoughtofacurtsey.Themareisroad-shy,withintervalsofstolidity,andthereisnotellingwhatshewillpassandwhatshewon't.WecallherRedford.ThatwasmyfirstmeetingwithJudkin,andthenexttimethecircumstanceswerethesame;thesamemuddylane,thesameratherapologeticfigureinthetweedsuit,thesame--orverysimilar--parcels.Onlythistimetheroanlookedstraightinfrontofher.
WhetherIaskedthegroomorwhetherheadvancedtheinformation,Iforget;butsomewayIgraduallyreconstructedthelife-historyofthistrudgerofthelanes.Itwasmuchthesame,nodoubt,asthatofmanyotherswhoarefromtimetotimepointedouttooneashavingbeenaforetimeincrackcavalryregimentsandnotedperformersinthesaddle;menwhohavebreathedintotheirlungsthewonderoftheEast,haverompedthroughlifeasthroughacotillon,havehadathrustperhapsattheViceroy'sCup,anddonefantastichorsefleshythingsaroundtheGulfofAden.Andthenagoldenstreamhasdriedup,thesunlighthasfadedsuddenlyoutofthings,andthegodshavenodded"Go."Andtheyhavenotgone.Theyhaveturnedinsteadtothemuddylanesandcheapvillasandthemarked-downillsoflife,towatchpeartreesgrowingandtoencouragehens
fortheireggs.AndJudkinwasevenastheseothers;thewinehadbeensuddenlyspiltfromhiscupoflife,andhehadstayedtosuckatthedregswhichthewisethrowaway.Inthedaysofhisscornformostthingshewouldhavestaredtheroanmareandherturn-outoutofallpretensiontosmartness,ashewouldhavefrozenacheapclaretbehinditscork,oraplainwomanbehindherveil;andnowhewaswalkingstoicallythroughthemud,inatweedsuitthatwouldeventuallygoontothegardener'sboy,andwouldperhapsfithim.Thedeargods,whoknowtheendbeforethebeginning,wereperhapsgrowingagardener'sboysomewheretofitthegarments,andJudkin
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wasonlyacaretaker,inhabitingaportionofthem.ThatiswhatIliketothink,andIamprobablywrong.AndJudkin,whoseclotheshadbeentohimoncemorethanareligion,scarcelylesssacredthanafamilyquarrel,wouldcarrythoseparcelsbacktohisvillaandtothewifewhoawaitedhimandthem--awifewhomay,forallweknowtothecontrary,havehadafigureonce,andperhapshasyetaheartofgold--ofnine-caratgold,letussayattheleast--butassuredlyasouloftape.Andhethathasfetchedandcarriedwillexplainhowithasfaredwithhiminhisdealings,andifhehasbroughtthewrongsortofsugarorthreadhewillwheedleawaythedispleasurefromthatleadenfaceasapastrycookgirlwilldrivebluebottlesoffastalebun.Andthatmanhasknownwhatitwastocoaxthefretofathoroughbred,tosootheitstossandsweatasitdancedbeneathhiminthegleeandchafeofitspulsesandthegloryofitsthews.Hehasbeenintherawplacesoftheearth,wherethedesertbeastshavewhimperedtheirunthinkablepsalmody,andtheireyeshaveshonebackthereflexofthemidnightstars--andhecanimmersehimselfinthetendingofanincubator.Itishorribleandwrong,andyetwhenIhavemethiminthelaneshisfacehaswornalookoftediouscheerfulnessthatmightpassforhappiness.HasJudkinoftheParcelsfoundsomethingintheleesoflifethatIhavemissedingoingtoandfroovermanywaters?Istheremorewisdominhisperversenessthaninthemadnessofthewise?Thedeargodsknow.
Idon'tthinkIsawJudkinmorethanthreetimesalltold,andalwaysthelanewasourpointofcontact;butastheroanmarewastakingmetothestationoneheavy,cloud-smearedday,Ipassedadull-lookingvillathatthegroom,orinstinct,toldmewasJudkin'shome.Frombeyondahedgeofraggedelder-bushescouldbeheardthethud,thudofaspade,withanoccasionalclinkandpause,asifsomeonehadpickedoutastoneandthrownittoadistance,andIknewthatHEwasdoingnamelessthingstotherootsofapeartree.Nearbyhim,Ifeltsure,wouldbelyingalargeandlatevegetablemarrow,anditslargenessandlatenesswouldbeathemeofconversationatluncheon.Itwouldbesuggestedthatitshouldgracetheharvestthanksgivingservice;theharvesthavingbeensogenerallyunsatisfactory,itwouldbeunfairtoletthefarmers
supplyallthematerialforrejoicing.
AndwhileIwasspeedingtownwardsalongtherailsJudkinwouldbeploddinghiswaytothevicaragebearingavegetablemarrowandabasketfulofdahlias.Thebaskettobereturned.
GABRIEL-ERNEST
"Thereisawildbeastinyourwoods,"saidtheartistCunningham,
ashewasbeingdriventothestation.Itwastheonlyremarkhehadmadeduringthedrive,butasVanCheelehadtalkedincessantlyhiscompanion'ssilencehadnotbeennoticeable.
"Astrayfoxortwoandsomeresidentweasels.Nothingmoreformidable,"saidVanCheele.Theartistsaidnothing.
"Whatdidyoumeanaboutawildbeast?"saidVanCheelelater,whentheywereontheplatform.
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"Nothing.Myimagination.Hereisthetrain,"saidCunningham.
ThatafternoonVanCheelewentforoneofhisfrequentramblesthroughhiswoodlandproperty.Hehadastuffedbitterninhisstudy,andknewthenamesofquiteanumberofwildflowers,sohisaunthadpossiblysomejustificationindescribinghimasagreatnaturalist.Atanyrate,hewasagreatwalker.Itwashiscustomtotakementalnotesofeverythinghesawduringhiswalks,notsomuchforthepurposeofassistingcontemporaryscienceastoprovidetopicsforconversationafterwards.Whenthebluebellsbegantoshowthemselvesinflowerhemadeapointofinformingeveryoneofthefact;theseasonoftheyearmighthavewarnedhishearersofthelikelihoodofsuchanoccurrence,butatleasttheyfeltthathewasbeingabsolutelyfrankwiththem.
WhatVanCheelesawonthisparticularafternoonwas,however,somethingfarremovedfromhisordinaryrangeofexperience.Onashelfofsmoothstoneoverhangingadeeppoolinthehollowofanoakcoppiceaboyofaboutsixteenlayasprawl,dryinghiswetbrownlimbsluxuriouslyinthesun.Hiswethair,partedbyarecentdive,layclosetohishead,andhislight-browneyes,solightthattherewasanalmosttigerishgleaminthem,wereturnedtowardsVanCheelewithacertainlazywatchfulness.Itwasanunexpectedapparition,andVanCheelefoundhimselfengagedinthenovel
processofthinkingbeforehespoke.Whereonearthcouldthiswild-lookingboyhailfrom?Themiller'swifehadlostachildsometwomonthsago,supposedtohavebeensweptawaybythemill-race,butthathadbeenamerebaby,notahalf-grownlad.
"Whatareyoudoingthere?"hedemanded.
"Obviously,sunningmyself,"repliedtheboy.
"Wheredoyoulive?"
"Here,inthesewoods."
"Youcan'tliveinthewoods,"saidVanCheele.
"Theyareverynicewoods,"saidtheboy,withatouchofpatronageinhisvoice.
"Butwheredoyousleepatnight?"
"Idon'tsleepatnight;that'smybusiesttime."
VanCheelebegantohaveanirritatedfeelingthathewasgrapplingwithaproblemthatwaseludinghim.
"Whatdoyoufeedon?"heasked.
"Flesh,"saidtheboy,andhepronouncedthewordwithslowrelish,asthoughheweretastingit.
"Flesh!WhatFlesh?"
"Sinceitinterestsyou,rabbits,wild-fowl,hares,poultry,lambsintheirseason,childrenwhenIcangetany;they'reusuallytoowelllockedinatnight,whenIdomostofmyhunting.It'squitetwomonthssinceItastedchild-flesh."
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IgnoringthechaffingnatureofthelastremarkVanCheeletriedtodrawtheboyonthesubjectofpossiblepoachingoperations.
"You'retalkingratherthroughyourhatwhenyouspeakoffeedingonhares."(Consideringthenatureoftheboy'stoiletthesimilewashardlyanaptone.)"Ourhillsideharesaren'teasilycaught."
"AtnightIhuntonfourfeet,"wasthesomewhatcrypticresponse.
"Isupposeyoumeanthatyouhuntwithadog?"hazardedVanCheele.
Theboyrolledslowlyoverontohisback,andlaughedaweirdlowlaugh,thatwaspleasantlylikeachuckleanddisagreeablylikeasnarl.
"Idon'tfancyanydogwouldbeveryanxiousformycompany,especiallyatnight."
VanCheelebegantofeelthattherewassomethingpositivelyuncannyaboutthestrange-eyed,strange-tonguedyoungster.
"Ican'thaveyoustayinginthesewoods,"hedeclaredauthoritatively.
"Ifancyyou'dratherhavemeherethaninyourhouse,"saidtheboy.
Theprospectofthiswild,nudeanimalinVanCheele'sprimlyorderedhousewascertainlyanalarmingone.
"Ifyoudon'tgo.Ishallhavetomakeyou,"saidVanCheele.
Theboyturnedlikeaflash,plungedintothepool,andinamomenthadflunghiswetandglisteningbodyhalf-wayupthebankwhereVanCheelewasstanding.Inanotterthemovementwouldnothavebeenremarkable;inaboyVanCheelefounditsufficientlystartling.
Hisfootslippedashemadeaninvoluntarilybackwardmovement,andhefoundhimselfalmostprostrateontheslipperyweed-grownbank,withthosetigerishyelloweyesnotveryfarfromhisown.Almostinstinctivelyhehalfraisedhishandtohisthroat.Theyboylaughedagain,alaughinwhichthesnarlhadnearlydrivenoutthechuckle,andthen,withanotherofhisastonishinglightningmovements,plungedoutofviewintoayieldingtangleofweedandfern.
"Whatanextraordinarywildanimal!"saidVanCheeleashepickedhimselfup.AndthenherecalledCunningham'sremark"Thereisawildbeastinyourwoods."
Walkingslowlyhomeward,VanCheelebegantoturnoverinhismindvariouslocaloccurrenceswhichmightbetraceabletotheexistenceofthisastonishingyoungsavage.
Somethinghadbeenthinningthegameinthewoodslately,poultryhadbeenmissingfromthefarms,haresweregrowingunaccountablyscarcer,andcomplaintshadreachedhimoflambsbeingcarriedoffbodilyfromthehills.Wasitpossiblethatthiswildboywasreallyhuntingthecountrysideincompanywithsomecleverpoacherdogs?Hehadspokenofhunting"four-footed"bynight,butthen,
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again,hehadhintedstrangelyatnodogcaringtocomenearhim,"especiallyatnight."Itwascertainlypuzzling.Andthen,asVanCheeleranhismindoverthevariousdepredationsthathadbeencommittedduringthelastmonthortwo,hecamesuddenlytoadeadstop,alikeinhiswalkandhisspeculations.Thechildmissingfromthemilltwomonthsago--theacceptedtheorywasthatithadtumbledintothemill-raceandbeensweptaway;butthemotherhadalwaysdeclaredshehadheardashriekonthehillsideofthehouse,intheoppositedirectionfromthewater.Itwasunthinkable,ofcourse,buthewishedthattheboyhadnotmadethatuncannyremarkaboutchild-flesheatentwomonthsago.Suchdreadfulthingsshouldnotbesaideveninfun.
VanCheele,contrarytohisusualwont,didnotfeeldisposedtobecommunicativeabouthisdiscoveryinthewood.Hispositionasaparishcouncillorandjusticeofthepeaceseemedsomehowcompromisedbythefactthathewasharbouringapersonalityofsuchdoubtfulreputeonhisproperty;therewasevenapossibilitythataheavybillofdamagesforraidedlambsandpoultrymightbelaidathisdoor.Atdinnerthatnighthewasquiteunusuallysilent.
"Where'syourvoicegoneto?"saidhisaunt."Onewouldthinkyouhadseenawolf."
VanCheele,whowasnotfamiliarwiththeoldsaying,thoughttheremarkratherfoolish;ifheHADseenawolfonhispropertyhistonguewouldhavebeenextraordinarilybusywiththesubject.
AtbreakfastnextmorningVanCheelewasconsciousthathisfeelingofuneasinessregardingyesterday'sepisodehadnotwhollydisappeared,andheresolvedtogobytraintotheneighbouringcathedraltown,huntupCunningham,andlearnfromhimwhathehadreallyseenthathadpromptedtheremarkaboutawildbeastinthewoods.Withthisresolutiontaken,hisusualcheerfulnesspartiallyreturned,andhehummedabrightlittlemelodyashesaunteredtothemorning-roomforhiscustomarycigarette.Asheenteredtheroomthemelodymadewayabruptlyforapiousinvocation.
Gracefullyasprawlontheottoman,inanattitudeofalmostexaggeratedrepose,wastheboyofthewoods.HewasdrierthanwhenVanCheelehadlastseenhim,butnootheralterationwasnoticeableinhistoilet.
"Howdareyoucomehere?"askedVanCheelefuriously.
"YoutoldmeIwasnottostayinthewoods,"saidtheboycalmly.
"Butnottocomehere.Supposingmyauntshouldseeyou!"
Andwithaviewtominimisingthatcatastrophe,VanCheelehastilyobscuredasmuchofhisunwelcomeguestaspossibleunderthefolds
ofaMorningPost.Atthatmomenthisauntenteredtheroom.
"Thisisapoorboywhohaslosthisway--andlosthismemory.Hedoesn'tknowwhoheisorwherehecomesfrom,"explainedVanCheeledesperately,glancingapprehensivelyatthewaif'sfacetoseewhetherhewasgoingtoaddinconvenientcandourtohisothersavagepropensities.
MissVanCheelewasenormouslyinterested.
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"Perhapshisunderlinenismarked,"shesuggested.
"Heseemstohavelostmostofthat,too,"saidVanCheele,makingfranticlittlegrabsattheMorningPosttokeepitinitsplace.
AnakedhomelesschildappealedtoMissVanCheeleaswarmlyasastraykittenorderelictpuppywouldhavedone.
"Wemustdoallwecanforhim,"shedecided,andinaveryshorttimeamessenger,dispatchedtotherectory,whereapage-boywaskept,hadreturnedwithasuitofpantryclothes,andthenecessaryaccessoriesofshirt,shoes,collar,etc.Clothed,clean,andgroomed,theboylostnoneofhisuncanninessinVanCheele'seyes,buthisauntfoundhimsweet.
"Wemustcallhimsomethingtillweknowwhohereallyis,"shesaid."Gabriel-Ernest,Ithink;thosearenicesuitablenames."
VanCheeleagreed,butheprivatelydoubtedwhethertheywerebeinggraftedontoanicesuitablechild.Hismisgivingswerenotdiminishedbythefactthathisstaidandelderlyspanielhadboltedoutofthehouseatthefirstincomingoftheboy,andnowobstinatelyremainedshiveringandyappingatthefartherendoftheorchard,whilethecanary,usuallyasvocallyindustriousasVan
Cheelehimself,hadputitselfonanallowanceoffrightenedcheeps.MorethaneverhewasresolvedtoconsultCunninghamwithoutlossoftime.
AshedroveofftothestationhisauntwasarrangingthatGabriel-ErnestshouldhelphertoentertaintheinfantmembersofherSunday-schoolclassatteathatafternoon.
Cunninghamwasnotatfirstdisposedtobecommunicative.
"Mymotherdiedofsomebraintrouble,"heexplained,"soyouwillunderstandwhyIamaversetodwellingonanythingofanimpossiblyfantasticnaturethatImayseeorthinkthatIhaveseen."
"ButwhatDIDyousee?"persistedVanCheele.
"WhatIthoughtIsawwassomethingsoextraordinarythatnoreallysanemancoulddignifyitwiththecreditofhavingactuallyhappened.Iwasstanding,thelasteveningIwaswithyou,half-hiddeninthehedgegrowthbytheorchardgate,watchingthedyingglowofthesunset.SuddenlyIbecameawareofanakedboy,abatherfromsomeneighbouringpool,Itookhimtobe,whowasstandingoutonthebarehillsidealsowatchingthesunset.HisposewassosuggestiveofsomewildfaunofPaganmyththatIinstantlywantedtoengagehimasamodel,andinanothermomentIthinkIshouldhavehailedhim.Butjustthenthesundippedoutof
view,andalltheorangeandpinkslidoutofthelandscape,leavingitcoldandgrey.Andatthesamemomentanastoundingthinghappened--theboyvanishedtoo!"
"What!vanishedawayintonothing?"askedVanCheeleexcitedly.
"No;thatisthedreadfulpartofit,"answeredtheartist;"ontheopenhillsidewheretheboyhadbeenstandingasecondago,stoodalargewolf,blackishincolour,withgleamingfangsandcruel,yelloweyes.Youmaythink--"
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ButVanCheeledidnotstopforanythingasfutileasthought.Alreadyhewastearingattopspeedtowardsthestation.Hedismissedtheideaofatelegram."Gabriel-Ernestisawerewolf"wasahopelesslyinadequateeffortatconveyingthesituation,andhisauntwouldthinkitwasacodemessagetowhichhehadomittedtogiveherthekey.Hisonehopewasthathemightreachhomebeforesundown.Thecabwhichhecharteredattheotherendoftherailwayjourneyborehimwithwhatseemedexasperatingslownessalongthecountryroads,whichwerepinkandmauvewiththeflushofthesinkingsun.Hisauntwasputtingawaysomeunfinishedjamsandcakewhenhearrived.
"WhereisGabriel-Ernest?"healmostscreamed.
"HeistakingthelittleToopchildhome,"saidhisaunt."Itwasgettingsolate,Ithoughtitwasn'tsafetoletitgobackalone.Whatalovelysunset,isn'tit?"
ButVanCheele,althoughnotobliviousoftheglowinthewesternsky,didnotstaytodiscussitsbeauties.AtaspeedforwhichhewasscarcelygearedheracedalongthenarrowlanethatledtothehomeoftheToops.Ononesiderantheswiftcurrentofthemill-stream,ontheotherrosethestretchofbarehillside.Adwindling
rimofredsunshowedstillontheskyline,andthenextturningmustbringhiminviewoftheill-assortedcouplehewaspursuing.Thenthecolourwentsuddenlyoutofthings,andagreylightsettleditselfwithaquickshiveroverthelandscape.VanCheeleheardashrillwailoffear,andstoppedrunning.
NothingwaseverseenagainoftheToopchildorGabriel-Ernest,butthelatter'sdiscardedgarmentswerefoundlyingintheroadsoitwasassumedthatthechildhadfallenintothewater,andthattheboyhadstrippedandjumpedin,inavainendeavourtosaveit.VanCheeleandsomeworkmenwhowerenearbyatthetimetestifiedtohavingheardachildscreamloudlyjustnearthespotwheretheclotheswerefound.Mrs.Toop,whohadelevenotherchildren,was
decentlyresignedtoherbereavement,butMissVanCheelesincerelymournedherlostfoundling.Itwasonherinitiativethatamemorialbrasswasputupintheparishchurchto"Gabriel-Ernest,anunknownboy,whobravelysacrificedhislifeforanother."
VanCheelegavewaytohisauntinmostthings,butheflatlyrefusedtosubscribetotheGabriel-Ernestmemorial.
THESAINTANDTHEGOBLIN
ThelittlestoneSaintoccupiedaretirednicheinasideaisleoftheoldcathedral.Noonequiterememberedwhohehadbeen,butthatinawaywasaguaranteeofrespectability.AtleastsotheGoblinsaid.TheGoblinwasaveryfinespecimenofquaintstonecarving,andlivedupinthecorbelonthewalloppositethenicheofthelittleSaint.Hewasconnectedwithsomeofthebestcathedralfolk,suchasthequeercarvingsinthechoirstallsandchancelscreen,andeventhegargoyleshighupontheroof.Allthefantasticbeastsandmanikinsthatsprawledandtwistedinwoodor
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stoneorleadoverheadinthearchesorawaydowninthecryptwereinsomewayakintohim;consequentlyhewasapersonofrecognisedimportanceinthecathedralworld.
ThelittlestoneSaintandtheGoblingotonverywelltogether,thoughtheylookedatmostthingsfromdifferentpointsofview.TheSaintwasaphilanthropistinanoldfashionedway;hethoughttheworld,ashesawit,wasgood,butmightbeimproved.Inparticularhepitiedthechurchmice,whoweremiserablypoor.TheGoblin,ontheotherhand,wasofopinionthattheworld,asheknewit,wasbad,buthadbetterbeletalone.Itwasthefunctionofthechurchmicetobepoor.
"Allthesame,"saidtheSaint,"Ifeelverysorryforthem."
"Ofcourseyoudo,"saidtheGoblin;"it'sYOURfunctiontofeelsorryforthem.Iftheyweretoleaveoffbeingpooryoucouldn'tfulfilyourfunctions.You'dbeasinecure."
HeratherhopedthattheSaintwouldaskhimwhatasinecuremeant,butthelattertookrefugeinastonysilence.TheGoblinmightberight,butstill,hethought,hewouldliketodosomethingforthechurchmicebeforewintercameon;theyweresoverypoor.
Whilsthewasthinkingthematteroverhewasstartledbysomethingfallingbetweenhisfeetwithahardmetallicclatter.Itwasabrightnewthaler;oneofthecathedraljackdaws,whocollectedsuchthings,hadflowninwithittoastonecornicejustabovehisniche,andthebangingofthesacristydoorhadstartledhimintodroppingit.Sincetheinventionofgunpowderthefamilynerveswerenotwhattheyhadbeen.
"Whathaveyougotthere?"askedtheGoblin.
"Asilverthaler,"saidtheSaint."Really,"hecontinued,"itismostfortunate;nowIcandosomethingforthechurchmice."
"Howwillyoumanageit?"askedtheGoblin.
TheSaintconsidered.
"Iwillappearinavisiontothevergeresswhosweepsthefloors.Iwilltellherthatshewillfindasilverthalerbetweenmyfeet,andthatshemusttakeitandbuyameasureofcornandputitonmyshrine.Whenshefindsthemoneyshewillknowthatitwasatruedream,andshewilltakecaretofollowmydirections.Thenthemicewillhavefoodallthewinter."
"OfcourseYOUcandothat,"observedtheGoblin."Now,Icanonlyappeartopeopleaftertheyhavehadaheavysupperofindigestible
things.Myopportunitieswiththevergeresswouldbelimited.Thereissomeadvantageinbeingasaintafterall."
AllthiswhilethecoinwaslyingattheSaint'sfeet.ItwascleanandglitteringandhadtheElector'sarmsbeautifullystampeduponit.TheSaintbegantoreflectthatsuchanopportunitywastooraretobehastilydisposedof.Perhapsindiscriminatecharitymightbeharmfultothechurchmice.Afterall,itwastheirfunctiontobepoor;theGoblinhadsaidso,andtheGoblinwasgenerallyright.
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"I'vebeenthinking,"hesaidtothatpersonage,"thatperhapsitwouldbereallybetterifIorderedathaler'sworthofcandlestobeplacedonmyshrineinsteadofthecorn."
Heoftenwished,forthelookofthething,thatpeoplewouldsometimesburncandlesathisshrine;butastheyhadforgottenwhohewasitwasnotconsideredaprofitablespeculationtopayhimthatattention.
"Candleswouldbemoreorthodox,"saidtheGoblin.
"Moreorthodox,certainly,"agreedtheSaint,"andthemicecouldhavetheendstoeat;candle-endsaremostfattening."
TheGoblinwastoowellbredtowink;besides,beingastonegoblin,itwasoutofthequestion.
***
"Well,ifitain'tthere,sureenough!"saidthevergeressnextmorning.Shetooktheshiningcoindownfromthedustynicheandturneditoverandoverinhergrimyhands.Thensheputittohermouthandbitit.
"Shecan'tbegoingtoeatit,"thoughttheSaint,andfixedherwithhisstonieststare.
"Well,"saidthewoman,inasomewhatshrillerkey,"who'dhavethoughtit!Asaint,too!"
Thenshedidanunaccountablething.Shehuntedanoldpieceoftapeoutofherpocket,andtiedtocrosswise,withabigloop,roundthethaler,andhungitroundtheneckofthelittleSaint.
Thenshewentaway.
"Theonlypossibleexplanation,"saidtheGoblin,"isthatit'sabadone."
***
"Whatisthatdecorationyourneighbouriswearing?"askedawyvernthatwaswroughtintothecapitalofanadjacentpillar.
TheSaintwasreadytocrywithmortification,only,beingofstone,hecouldn't.
"It'sacoinof--ahem!--fabulousvalue,"repliedtheGoblintactfully.
AndthenewswentroundtheCathedralthattheshrineofthelittlestoneSainthadbeenenrichedbyapricelessoffering.
"Afterall,it'ssomethingtohavetheconscienceofagoblin,"saidtheSainttohimself.
Thechurchmicewereaspoorasever.Butthatwastheirfunction.
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THESOULOFLAPLOSHKA
LaploshkawasoneofthemeanestmenIhaveevermet,andquiteoneofthemostentertaining.Hesaidhorridthingsaboutotherpeopleinsuchacharmingwaythatoneforgavehimfortheequallyhorridthingshesaidaboutoneselfbehindone'sback.Hatinganythinginthewayofill-naturedgossipourselves,wearealwaysgratefultothosewhodoitforusanddoitwell.AndLaploshkadiditreallywell.
NaturallyLaploshkahadalargecircleofacquaintances,andasheexercisedsomecareintheirselectionitfollowedthatanappreciableproportionweremenwhosebankbalancesenabledthemtoacquiesceindulgentlyinhisratherone-sidedviewsonhospitality.Thus,althoughpossessedofonlymoderatemeans,hewasabletolivecomfortablywithinhisincome,andstillmorecomfortablywithinthoseofvarioustolerantlydisposedassociates.
Buttowardsthepoorortothoseofthesamelimitedresourcesashimselfhisattitudewasoneofwatchfulanxiety;heseemedtobehauntedbyabesettingfearlestsomefractionofashillingor
franc,orwhatevertheprevailingcoinagemightbe,shouldbedivertedfromhispocketorserviceintothatofahard-upcompanion.Atwo-franccigarwouldbecheerfullyofferedtoawealthypatron,ontheprincipleofdoingevilthatgoodmaycome,butIhaveknownhimindulgeinagoniesofperjuryratherthanadmittheincriminatingpossessionofacoppercoinwhenchangewasneededtotipawaiter.Thecoinwouldhavebeendulyreturnedattheearliestopportunity--hewouldhavetakenmeanstoinsureagainstforgetfulnessonthepartoftheborrower--butaccidentsmighthappen,andeventhetemporaryestrangementfromhispennyorsouwasacalamitytobeavoided.
Theknowledgeofthisamiableweaknessofferedaperpetual
temptationtoplayuponLaploshka'sfearsofinvoluntarygenerosity.Toofferhimaliftinacabandpretendnottohaveenoughmoneytopaythefair,toflusterhimwitharequestforasixpencewhenhishandwasfullofsilverjustreceivedinchange,thesewereafewofthepettytormentsthatingenuitypromptedasoccasionafforded.TodojusticetoLaploshka'sresourcefulnessitmustbeadmittedthathealwaysemergedsomehoworotherfromthemostembarrassingdilemmawithoutinanywaycompromisinghisreputationforsaying"No."Butthegodssendopportunitiesatsometimetomostmen,andminecameoneeveningwhenLaploshkaandIweresuppingtogetherinacheapboulevardrestaurant.(Exceptwhenhewasthebiddenguestofsomeonewithanirreproachableincome,Laploshkawaswonttocurbhisappetiteforhighliving;onsuchfortunateoccasionshe
letitgoonaneasysnaffle.)Attheconclusionofthemealasomewhaturgentmessagecalledmeaway,andwithoutheedingmycompanion'sagitatedprotest,Icalledbackcruelly,"Paymyshare;I'llsettlewithyouto-morrow."EarlyonthemorrowLaploshkahuntedmedownbyinstinctasIwalkedalongasidestreetthatIhardlyeverfrequented.Hehadtheairofamanwhohadnotslept.
"Youowemetwofrancsfromlastnight,"washisbreathlessgreeting.
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IspokeevasivelyofthesituationinPortugal,wheremoretroubleseemedbrewing.ButLaploshkalistenedwiththeabstractionofthedeafadder,andquicklyreturnedtothesubjectofthetwofrancs.
"I'mafraidImustoweittoyou,"Isaidlightlyandbrutally."Ihaven'tasouintheworld,"andIaddedmendaciously,"I'mgoingawayforsixmonthsorperhapslonger."
Laploshkasaidnothing,buthiseyesbulgedalittleandhischeekstookonthemottledhuesofanethnographicalmapoftheBalkanPeninsula.Thatsameday,atsundown,hedied."Failureoftheheart'saction,"wasthedoctor'sverdict;butI,whoknewbetter,knewthathediedofgrief.
Therearosetheproblemofwhattodowithhistwofrancs.TohavekilledLaploshkawasonething;tohavekepthisbelovedmoneywouldhavearguedacallousnessoffeelingofwhichIamnotcapable.Theordinarysolution,ofgivingittothepoor,wouldbynomeansfitthepresentsituation,fornothingwouldhavedistressedthedeadmanmorethansuchamisuseofhisproperty.Ontheotherhand,thebestowaloftwofrancsontherichwasanoperationwhichcalledforsometact.Aneasywayoutofthedifficultyseemed,however,topresentitselfthefollowingSunday,asIwaswedgedintothecosmopolitancrowdwhichfilledtheside-aisleofoneofthemost
popularParischurches.Acollecting-bag,for"thepoorofMonsieurleCure,"wasbuffetingitstortuouswayacrosstheseeminglyimpenetrablehumansea,andaGermaninfrontofme,whoevidentlydidnotwishhisappreciationofthemagnificentmusictobemarredbyasuggestionofpayment,madeaudiblecriticismstohiscompanionontheclaimsofthesaidcharity.
"Theydonotwantmoney,"hesaid;"theyhavetoomuchmoney.Theyhavenopoor.Theyareallpampered."
Ifthatwerereallythecasemywayseemedclear.IdroppedLaploshka'stwofrancsintothebagwithamurmuredblessingontherichofMonsieurleCure.
SomethreeweekslaterchancehadtakenmetoVienna,andIsatoneeveningregalingmyselfinahumblebutexcellentlittleGasthausupintheWahringerquarter.Theappointmentswereprimitive,buttheSchnitzel,thebeer,andthecheesecouldnothavebeenimprovedon.Goodcheerbroughtgoodcustom,andwiththeexceptionofonesmalltablenearthedooreveryplacewasoccupied.Half-waythroughmymealIhappenedtoglanceinthedirectionofthatemptyseat,andsawthatitwasnolongerempty.PoringoverthebilloffarewiththeabsorbedscrutinyofonewhoseeksthecheapestamongthecheapwasLaploshka.Oncehelookedacrossatme,withacomprehensiveglanceatmyrepast,asthoughtosay,"Itismytwofrancsyouareeating,"andthenlookedswiftlyaway.Evidentlythepoorof
MonsieurleCurehadbeengenuinepoor.TheSchnitzelturnedtoleatherinmymouth,thebeerseemedtepid;IlefttheEmmenthaleruntasted.Myoneideawastogetawayfromtheroom,awayfromthetablewhereTHATwasseated;andasIfledIfeltLaploshka'sreproachfuleyeswatchingtheamountthatIgavetothepiccolo--outofhistwofrancs.IlunchednextdayatanexpensiverestaurantwhichIfeltsurethatthelivingLaploshkawouldneverhaveenteredonhisownaccount,andIhopedthatthedeadLaploshkawouldobservethesamebarriers.Iwasnotmistaken,butasIcameoutIfoundhimmiserablystudyingthebilloffarestuckuponthe
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portals.Thenheslowlymadehiswayovertoamilk-hall.ForthefirsttimeinmyexperienceImissedthecharmandgaietyofViennalife.
Afterthat,inParisorLondonorwhereverIhappenedtobe,IcontinuedtoseeagooddealofLaploshka.IfIhadaseatinaboxatatheatreIwasalwaysconsciousofhiseyesfurtivelywatchingmefromthedimrecessesofthegallery.AsIturnedintomyclubonarainyafternoonIwouldseehimtakinginadequateshelterinadoorwayopposite.EvenifIindulgedinthemodestluxuryofapennychairintheParkhegenerallyconfrontedmefromoneofthefreebenches,neverstaringatme,butalwayselaboratelyconsciousofmypresence.Myfriendsbegantocommentonmychangedlooks,andadvisedmetoleaveoffheapsofthings.IshouldhavelikedtohaveleftoffLaploshka.
OnacertainSunday--itwasprobablyEaster,forthecrushwasworsethanever--IwasagainwedgedintothecrowdlisteningtothemusicinthefashionableParischurch,andagainthecollection-bagwasbuffetingitswayacrossthehumansea.AnEnglishladybehindmewasmakingineffectualeffortstoconveyacoinintothestilldistantbag,soItookthemoneyatherrequestandhelpeditforwardtoitsdestination.Itwasatwo-francpiece.Aswiftinspirationcametome,andImerelydroppedmyownsouintothebag
andslidthesilvercoinintomypocket.IhadwithdrawnLaploshka'stwofrancsfromthepoor,whoshouldneverhavehadthelegacy.AsIbackedawayfromthecrowdIheardawoman'svoicesay,"Idon'tbelieveheputmymoneyinthebag.ThereareswarmsofpeopleinParislikethat!"Butmymindwaslighterthatithadbeenforalongtime.
Thedelicatemissionofbestowingtheretrievedsumonthedeservingrichstillconfrontedme.AgainItrustedtotheinspirationofaccident,andagainfortunefavouredme.Ashowerdroveme,twodayslater,intooneofthehistoricchurchesontheleftbankoftheSeine,andthereIfound,peeringattheoldwood-carvings,theBaronR.,oneofthewealthiestandmostshabbilydressedmenin
Paris.Itwasnowornever.PuttingastrongAmericaninflectionintotheFrenchwhichIusuallytalkedwithanunmistakableBritishaccent,IcatechisedtheBaronastothedateofthechurch'sbuilding,itsdimensions,andotherdetailswhichanAmericantouristwouldbecertaintowanttoknow.HavingacquiredsuchinformationastheBaronwasabletoimpartonshortnotice,Isolemnlyplacedthetwo-francpieceinhishand,withtheheartyassurancethatitwas"pourvous,"andturnedtogo.TheBaronwasslightlytakenaback,butacceptedthesituationwithagoodgrace.Walkingovertoasmallboxfixedinthewall,hedroppedLaploshka'stwofrancsintotheslot.Overtheboxwastheinscription,"PourlespauvresdeM.leCure."
Thatevening,atthecrowdedcornerbytheCafedelaPaix,IcaughtafleetingglimpseofLaploshka.Hesmiled,slightlyraisedhishat,andvanished.Ineversawhimagain.Afterall,themoneyhadbeenGIVENtothedeservingrich,andthesoulofLaploshkawasatpeace.
THEBAG
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"TheMajoriscomingintotea,"saidMrs.Hoopingtontoherniece."He'sjustgoneroundtothestableswithhishorse.Beasbrightandlivelyasyoucan;thepoorman'sgotafitoftheglooms."
MajorPallabywasavictimofcircumstances,overwhichhehadnocontrol,andofhistemper,overwhichhehadverylittle.HehadtakenontheMastershipofthePexdaleHoundsinsuccessiontoahighlypopularmanwhohadfallenfoulofhiscommittee,andtheMajorfoundhimselfconfrontedwiththeoverthostilityofatleasthalfthehunt,whilehislackoftactandamiabilityhaddonemuchtoalienatetheremainder.Hencesubscriptionswerebeginningtofalloff,foxesgrewprovokinglyscarcer,andwireobtrudeditselfwithincreasingfrequency.TheMajorcouldpleadreasonableexcuseforhisfitoftheglooms.
InrangingherselfasapartisanonthesideofMajorPallabyMrs.Hoopingtonhadbeenlargelyinfluencedbythefactthatshehadmadeuphermindtomarryhimatanearlydate.Againsthisnotoriousbadtempershesethisthreethousandayear,andhisprospectivesuccessiontoabaronetcygaveacastingvoteinhisfavour.TheMajor'splansonthesubjectofmatrimonywerenotatpresentinsuchanadvancedstageasMrs.Hoopington's,buthewasbeginningto
findhiswayovertoHoopingtonHallwithafrequencythatwasalreadybeingcommentedon.
"Hehadawretchedlythinfieldoutagainyesterday,"saidMrs.Hoopington."Whyyoudidn'tbringoneortwohuntingmendownwithyou,insteadofthatstupidRussianboy,Ican'tthink."
"Vladimirisn'tstupid,"protestedherniece;"he'soneofthemostamusingboysIevermet.Justcomparehimforamomentwithsomeofyourheavyhuntingmen--"
"Anyhow,mydearNorah,hecan'tride."
"Russiansnevercan;butheshoots."
"Yes;andwhatdoesheshoot?Yesterdayhebroughthomeawoodpeckerinhisgame-bag."
"Buthe'dshotthreepheasantsandsomerabbitsaswell."
"That'snoexcuseforincludingawoodpeckerinhisgame-bag."
"Foreignersgoinformixedbagsmorethanwedo.AGrandDukepotsavulturejustasseriouslyasweshouldstalkabustard.Anyhow,I'veexplainedtoVladimirthatcertainbirdsarebeneathhisdignityasasportsman.Andashe'sonlynineteen,ofcourse,his
dignityisasurethingtoappealto."
Mrs.Hoopingtonsniffed.MostpeoplewithwhomVladimircameincontactfoundhishighspiritsinfectious,buthispresenthostesswasguaranteedimmuneagainstinfectionofthatsort.
"Ihearhimcominginnow,"sheobserved."Ishallgoandgetreadyfortea.We'regoingtohaveithereinthehall.EntertaintheMajorifhecomesinbeforeI'mdown,and,aboveall,bebright."
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shrift,"saidMrs.Hoopington.
Norahfoundherwaymechanicallytothetea-tableandmadeherfingersfranticallybusyinrearrangingtheparsleyroundthesandwichdish.OnonesideofherloomedthemorosecountenanceoftheMajor,ontheothershewasconsciousofthescared,miserableeyesofVladimir.AndaboveitallhungTHAT.Shedarednotraisehereyesabovethelevelofthetea-table,andshealmostexpectedtoseeaspotofaccusingvulpineblooddripdownandstainthewhitenessofthecloth.Heraunt'smannersignalledtohertherepeatedmessageto"bebright";forthepresentshewasfullyoccupiedinkeepingherteethfromchattering.
"Whatdidyoushootto-day?"askedMrs.HoopingtonsuddenlyoftheunusuallysilentVladimir.
"Nothing--nothingworthspeakingof,"saidtheboy.
Norah'sheart,whichhadstoodstillforaspace,madeupforlosttimewithamostdisturbingbound.
"Iwishyou'dfindsomethingthatwasworthspeakingabout,"saidthehostess;"everyoneseemstohavelosttheirtongues."
"WhendidSmitherslastseethatfox?"saidtheMajor.
"Yesterdaymorning;afinedog-fox,withadarkbrush,"confidedMrs.Hoopington.
"Aha,we'llhaveagoodgallopafterthatbrushto-morrow,"saidtheMajor,withatransientgleamofgoodhumour.Andthengloomysilencesettledagainroundtheteatable,asilencebrokenonlybydespondentmunchingsandtheoccasionalfeverishrattleofateaspooninitssaucer.AdiversionwasatlastaffordedbyMrs.Hoopington'sfox-terrier,whichhadjumpedontoavacantchair,thebettertosurveythedelicaciesofthetable,andwasnowsniffinginanupwarddirectionatsomethingapparentlymoreinterestingthan
coldtea-cake.
"Whatisexcitinghim?"askedhismistress,asthedogsuddenlybrokeintoshortangrybarks,witharunningaccompanimentoftremulouswhines.
"Why,"shecontinued,"it'syourgamebag,Vladimir!WhatHAVEyougotinit?"
"ByGad,"saidtheMajor,whowasnowstandingup;"there'saprettywarmscent!"
AndthenasimultaneousideaflashedonhimselfandMrs.Hoopington.
Theirfacesflushedtodistinctbutharmonioustonesofpurple,andwithoneaccusingvoicetheyscreamed,"You'veshotthefox!"
NorahtriedhastilytopalliateVladimir'smisdeedintheireyes,butitisdoubtfulwhethertheyheardher.TheMajor'sfuryclothedandreclotheditselfinwordsasfranticallyasawomanupintownforoneday'sshoppingtriesonasuccessionofgarments.Hereviledandrailedatfateandthegeneralschemeofthings,hepitiedhimselfwithastrong,deeppitytoopoignentfortears,hecondemnedeveryonewithwhomhehadevercomeincontacttoendless
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andabnormalpunishments.Infact,heconveyedtheimpressionthatifadestroyingangelhadbeenlenttohimforaweekitwouldhavehadverylittletimeforprivatestudy.InthelullsofhisoutcrycouldbeheardthequerulousmonotoneofMrs.Hoopingtonandthesharpstaccatobarkingofthefox-terrier.Vladimir,whodidnotunderstandatitheofwhatwasbeingsaid,satfondlingacigaretteandrepeatingunderhisbreathfromtimetotimeavigorousEnglishadjectivewhichhehadlongagotakenaffectionatelyintohisvocabulary.HismindstrayedbacktotheyouthintheoldRussianfolk-talewhoshotanenchantedbirdwithdramaticresults.Meanwhile,theMajor,roamingroundthehalllikeanimprisonedcyclone,hadcaughtsightofandjoyfullypouncedonthetelephoneapparatus,andlostnotimeinringingupthehuntsecretaryandannouncinghisresignationoftheMastership.Aservanthadbythistimebroughthishorseroundtothedoor,andinafewsecondsMrs.Hoopington'sshrillmonotonehadthefieldtoitself.ButaftertheMajor'sdisplayherbesteffortsatvocalviolencemissedtheirfulleffect;itwasasthoughonehadcomestraightoutfromaWagneroperaintoarathertamethunderstorm.Realising,perhaps,thathertiradesweresomethingofananticlimax,Mrs.Hoopingtonbrokesuddenlyintosomerathernecessarytearsandmarchedoutoftheroom,leavingbehindherasilencealmostasterribleastheturmoilwhichhadprecededit.
"WhatshallIdowith--THAT?"askedVladimiratlast.
"Buryit,"saidNorah.
"Justplainburial?"saidVladimir,ratherrelieved.Hehadalmostexpectedthatsomeofthelocalclergywouldhaveinsistedonbeingpresent,orthatasalutemighthavetobefiredoverthegrave.
AndthusitcametopassthatintheduskofaNovembereveningtheRussianboy,murmuringafewoftheprayersofhisChurchforluck,gavehastybutdecentburialtoalargepolecatunderthelilactreesatHoopington.
THESTRATEGIST
Mrs.Jallatt'syoungpeople'spartieswereseverelyexclusive;itcamecheaperthatway,becauseyoucouldaskfewertothem.Mrs.Jallattdidn'tstudycheapness,butsomehowshegenerallyattainedit.
"There'llbeabouttengirls,"speculatedRollo,ashedrovetothefunction,"andIsupposefourfellows,unlesstheWrotsleysbring
theircousin,whichHeavenforbid.ThatwouldmeanJackandmeagainstthreeofthem."
RolloandtheWrotsleybrethrenhadmaintainedanundyingfeudalmostfromnurserydays.Theyonlymetnowandthenintheholidays,andthemeetingwasusuallytragicforwhicheverhappenedtohavethefewestbackersonhand.Rollowascountingto-nightonthepresenceofadevotedandmuscularpartisantoholdanevenbalance.Ashearrivedheheardhisprospectivechampion'ssisterapologisingtothehostessfortheunavoidableabsenceofher
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brother;amomentlaterhenotedthattheWrotsleysHADbroughttheircousin.
Twoagainstthreewouldhavebeenexcitingandpossiblyunpleasant;oneagainstthreepromisedtobeaboutasamusingasavisittothedentist.Rolloorderedhiscarriageforasearlyaswasdecentlypossible,andfacedthecompanywithasmilethatheimaginedthebettersortofaristocratwouldhavewornwhenmountingtotheguillotine.
"Sogladyouwereabletocome,"saidtheelderWrotsleyheartily.
"Now,youchildrenwillliketoplaygames,Isuppose,"saidMrs.Jallatt,bywayofgivingthingsastart,andastheyweretoowell-bredtocontradictherthereonlyremainedthequestionofwhattheyweretoplayat.
"Iknowofagoodgame,"saidtheelderWrotsleyinnocently."Thefellowsleavetheroomandthinkofaword;thentheycomebackagain,andthegirlshavetofindoutwhatthewordis."
Rolloknewthegame.Hewouldhavesuggestedithimselfifhisfactionhadbeeninthemajority.
"Itdoesn'tpromisetobeveryexciting,"sniffedthesuperiorDoloresSneepastheboysfiledoutoftheroom.Rollothoughtdifferently.HetrustedtoProvidencethatWrotsleyhadnothingworsethanknottedhandkerchiefsathisdisposal.
Theword-chooserslockedthemselvesinthelibrarytoensurethattheirdeliberationsshouldnotbeinterrupted.Providenceturnedouttobenotevendecentlyneutral;onarackonthelibrarywallwereadog-whipandawhaleboneriding-switch.Rollothoughtitcriminalnegligencetoleavesuchweaponsofprecisionlyingabout.Hewasgivenachoiceofevils,andchosethedog-whip;thenextminuteorsohespentinwonderinghowhecouldhavemadesuchastupidselection.Thentheywentbacktothelanguidlyexpectant
females.
"Theword's'camel,'"announcedtheWrotsleycousinblunderingly.
"Youstupid!"screamedthegirls,"we'vegottoGUESStheword.Nowyou'llhavetogobackandthinkofanother."
"Notforworlds,"saidRollo;"Imean,thewordisn'treallycamel;wewererotting.Pretendit'sdromedary!"hewhisperedtotheothers.
"Iheardthemsay'dromedary'!Iheardthem.Idon'tcarewhatyousay;Iheardthem,"squealedtheodiousDolores."Withearsaslong
ashersonewouldhearanything,"thoughtRollosavagely.
"Weshallhavetogoback,Isuppose,"saidtheelderWrotsleyresignedly.
Theconclavelockeditselfoncemoreintothelibrary."Lookhere,I'mnotgoingthroughthatdog-whipbusinessagain,"protestedRollo.
"Certainlynot,dear,"saidtheelderWrotsley;"we'lltrythe
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whaleboneswitchthistime,andyou'llknowwhichhurtsmost.It'sonlybypersonalexperiencethatonefindsoutthesethings."
ItwasswiftlyborneinuponRollothathisearlierselectionofthedog-whiphadbeenareallysoundone.Theconclavegavehisunder-liptimetosteadyitselfwhileitdebatedthechoiceofthenecessaryword."Mustang"wasnogood,ashalfthegirlswouldn'tknowwhatitmeant;finally"quagga"waspitchedon.
"Youmustcomeandsitdownoverhere,"chorusedtheinvestigatingcommitteeontheirreturn;butRollowasobdurateininsistingthatthequestionedpersonalwaysstoodup.Onthewhole,itwasareliefwhenthegamewasendedandsupperwasannounced.
Mrs.Jallattdidnotstintheryoungguests,butthemoreexpensivedelicaciesofhersupper-tablewereneverunnecessarilyduplicated,anditwasusuallygoodpolicytotakewhatyouwantedwhileitwasstillthere.Onthisoccasionshehadprovidedsixteenpeachesto"goround"amongfourteenchildren;itwasreallynotherfaultthatthetwoWrotsleysandtheircousin,foreseeingthelongfoodlessdrivehome,hadeachquietlypocketedanextrapeach,butitwasdistinctlytryingforDoloresandthefatandgood-naturedAgnesBlaiktobeleftwithonepeachbetweenthem.
"Isupposewehadbetterhalveit,"saidDoloressourly.
ButAgneswasfatfirstandgood-naturedafterwards;thosewereherguidingprinciplesinlife.ShewasprofuseinhersympathyforDolores,butshehastilydevouredthepeach,explainingthatitwouldspoilittodivideit;thejuiceranoutso.
"Nowwhatwouldyouallliketodo?"demandedMrs.Jallattbywayofdiversion."TheprofessionalconjurerwhomIhadengagedhasfailedmeatthelastmoment.Cananyofyourecite?"
Thereweresymptomsofageneralpanic.Doloreswasknowntorecite"LocksleyHall"ontheleastprovocation.Therehadbeenoccasions
whenheropeningline,"Comrades,leavemeherealittle,"hadbeentakenasaliteralinjunctionbyalargesectionofherhearers.TherewasamurmurofreliefwhenRollohastilydeclaredthathecoulddoafewconjuringtricks.Hehadneverdoneoneinhislife,butthosetwovisitstothelibraryhadgoadedhimtounusualrecklessness.
"You'veseenconjuringchapstakecoinsandcardsoutofpeople,"heannounced;"well,I'mgoingtotakemoreinterestingthingsoutofsomeofyou.Mice,forinstance."
"Notmice!"
Ashrillprotestrose,ashehadforeseen,fromthemajorityofhisaudience.
"Well,fruit,them."
Theamendedproposalwasreceivedwithapproval.Agnespositivelybeamed.
WithoutmoreadoRollomadestraightforhistrioofenemies,plungedhishandsuccessivelyintotheirbreast-pockets,and
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producedthreepeaches.Therewasnoapplause,butnoamountofhand-clappingwouldhavegiventheperformerasmuchpleasureasthesilencewhichgreetedhiscoup.
"Ofcourse,wewereintheknow,"saidtheWrotsleycousinlamely.
"That'sdoneit,"chuckledRollotohimself.
"IftheyHADbeenconfederatestheywouldhavesworntheyknewnothingaboutit,"saidDolores,withpiercingconviction.
"Doyouknowanymoretricks?"askedMrs.Jallatthurriedly.
Rollodidnot.Hehintedthathemighthavechangedthethreepeachesintosomethingelse,butAgneshadalreadyconvertedoneintogirl-food,sonothingmorecouldbedoneinthatdirection.
"Iknowagame,"saidtheelderWrotsleyheavily,"wherethefellowsgooutoftheroom,andthinkofsomecharacterinhistory;thentheycomebackandacthim,andthegirlshavetoguesswhoit'smeantfor."
"I'mafraidImustbegoing,"saidRollotohishostess.
"Yourcarriagewon'tbehereforanothertwentyminutes,"saidMrs.Jallatt.
"It'ssuchafineeveningIthinkI'llwalkandmeetit."
"It'srainingrathersteadilyatpresent.You'vejusttimetoplaythathistoricalgame."
"Wehaven'theardDoloresrecite,"saidRollodesperately;assoonashehadsaiditherealisedhismistake.Confrontedwiththealternativeof"LocksleyHall,"publicopiniondeclaredunanimouslyforthehistorygame.
Rolloplayedhislastcard.InanundertonemeantapparentlyfortheWrotsleyboy,butcarefullypitchedtoreachAgnes,heobserved-
"Allright,oldman;we'llgoandfinishthosechocolatesweleftinthelibrary."
"Ithinkit'sonlyfairthatthegirlsshouldtaketheirturningoingout,"exclaimedAgnesbriskly.Shewasgreatonfairness.
"Nonsense,"saidtheothers;"therearetoomanyofus."
"Well,fourofuscango.I'llbeoneofthem."
AndAgnesdartedofftowardsthelibrary,followedbythreelesseagerdamsels.
RollosankintoachairandsmiledeversofaintlyattheWrotsleys,justamomentarybaringoftheteeth;anotter,escapingfromthefangsofthehoundsintothesafetyofadeeppool,mighthavegivenasimilardemonstrationoffeelings.
Fromthelibrarycamethesoundofmovingfurniture.Agneswas
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leavingnothingunturnedinherquestforthemythicalchocolates.Andthencameamoreblessedsound,wheelscrunchingwetgravel.
"Ithasbeenamostenjoyableevening,"saidRollotohishostess.
CROSSCURRENTS
VanessaPenningtonhadahusbandwhowaspoor,withfewextenuatingcircumstances,andanadmirerwho,thoughcomfortablyrich,wascumberedwithasenseofhonour.HiswealthmadehimwelcomeinVanessa'seyes,buthiscodeofwhatwasrightimpelledhimtogoawayandforgether,oratthemosttothinkofherintheintervalsofdoingagreatmanyotherthings.AndalthoughAlaricClydelovedVanessa,andthoughtheshouldalwaysgoonlovingher,hegraduallyandunconsciouslyallowedhimselftobewooedandwonbyamorealluringmistress;hefanciedthathiscontinuedshunningofthehauntsofmenwasaself-imposedexile,buthisheartwascaughtinthespelloftheWilderness,andtheWildernesswaskindandbeautifultohim.Whenoneisyoungandstrongandunfetteredthewildearthcanbeverykindandverybeautiful.Witnessthelegion
ofmenwhowereonceyoungandunfetteredandnoweatouttheirsoulsindustbins,because,havingerstwhileknownandlovedtheWilderness,theybrokefromherthrallandturnedasideintobeatenpaths.
InthehighwasteplacesoftheworldClyderoamedandhuntedanddreamed,death-dealingandgraciousassomegodofHellas,movingwithhishorsesandservantsandfour-footedcampfollowersfromonedwellinggroundtoanother,awelcomeguestamongwildprimitivevillagefolkandnomads,afriendandslayerofthefleet,shybeastsaroundhim.Bytheshoresofmistyuplandlakesheshotthewildfowlthathadwingedtheirwaytohimacrosshalftheoldworld;beyondBokharahewatchedthewildAryanhorsemenattheir
gambols;watched,too,insomedim-littea-houseoneofthosebeautifuluncouthdancesthatonecanneverwhollyforget;or,makingawidecastdowntothevalleyoftheTigris,swamandrolledinitssnow-cooledracingwaters.Vanessa,meanwhile,inaBayswaterbackstreet,wasmakingouttheweeklylaundrylist,attendingbargainsales,and,inhermoreadventurousmoments,tryingnewwaysofcookingwhiting.Occasionallyshewenttobridgeparties,where,iftheplaywasnotilluminating,atleastonelearnedagreatdealabouttheprivatelifeofsomeoftheRoyalandImperialHouses.Vanessa,inaway,wasgladthatClydehaddonetheproperthing.Shehadastrongnaturalbiastowardsrespectability,thoughshewouldhavepreferredtohavebeenrespectableinsmartersurroundings,whereherexamplewouldhave
donemoregood.Tobebeyondreproachwasonething,butitwouldhavebeennicertohavebeennearertothePark.
AndthenofasuddenherregardforrespectabilityandClyde'ssenseofwhatwasrightwerethrownonthescrap-heapofunnecessarythings.Theyhadbeenusefulandhighlyimportantintheirtime,butthedeathofVanessa'shusbandmadethemofnoimmediatemoment.
ThenewsofthealteredconditionofthingsfollowedClydewithleisurelypersistencefromoneplaceofcalltoanother,andatlast
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ranhimtoastandstillsomewhereintheOrenburgSteppe.Hewouldhavefounditexceedinglydifficulttoanalysehisfeelingsonreceiptofthetidings.TheFateshadunexpectedly(andperhapsjustalittleofficiously)removedanobstaclefromhispath.Hesupposedhewasoverjoyed,buthemissedthefeelingofelationwhichhehadexperiencedsomefourmonthsagowhenhehadbaggedasnow-leopardwithaluckyshotafteraday'sfruitlessstalking.OfcoursehewouldgobackandaskVanessatomarryhim,buthewasdeterminedonenforcingacondition;onnoaccountwouldhedeserthisnewerlove.VanessawouldhavetoagreetocomeoutintotheWildernesswithhim.
Theladyhailedthereturnofherloverwithevenmorereliefthanhadbeenoccasionedbyhisdeparture.ThedeathofJohnPenningtonhadlefthiswidowincircumstanceswhichweremorestraitenedthanever,andtheParkhadrecededevenfromhernotepaper,whereithadlongbeenretainedasacourtesytitleontheprinciplethataddressesaregiventoustoconcealourwhereabouts.Certainlyshewasmoreindependentnowthanheretofore,butindependence,whichmeanssomuchtomanywomen,wasoflittleaccounttoVanessa,whocameundertheheadingofthemerefemale.ShemadelittleadoaboutacceptingClyde'scondition,andannouncedherselfreadytofollowhimtotheendoftheworld;astheworldwasroundshenourishedacomplacentideathatintheordinarycourseofthings
onewouldfindoneselfintheneighbourhoodofHydeParkCornersoonerorlaternomatterhowfarafieldonewandered.
EastofBudapesthercomplacencybegantofilteraway,andwhenshesawherhusbandtreatingtheBlackSeawithafamiliaritywhichshehadneverbeenabletoassumetowardstheEnglishChannel,misgivingsbegantocrowdinuponher.Adventureswhichwouldhavepresentedanamusingandenticingaspecttoabetter-bredwomanarousedinVanessaonlythetwinsensationsoffrightanddiscomfort.Fliesbither,andshewaspersuadedthatitwasonlysheerboredomthatpreventedcamelsfromdoingthesame.Clydedidhisbest,andaverygoodbestitwas,toinfusesomethingofthebanquetintotheirprolongeddesertpicnics,butevensnow-cooled
Heidsiecklostitsflavourwhenyouwereconvincedthattheduskycupbearerwhoserveditwithsuchreverentelegancewasonlywaitingaconvenientopportunitytocutyourthroat.ItwasuselessforClydetogiveYussufacharacterfordevotionsuchasisrarelyfoundinanyWesternservant.Vanessawaswellenougheducatedtoknowthatalldusky-skinnedpeopletakehumanlifeasunconcernedlyasBayswaterfolktakesinginglessons.
Andwithagrowingirritationandquerulousnessonherpartcameafurtherdisenchantment,bornoftheinabilityofhusbandandwifetofindacommongroundofinterest.Thehabitsandmigrationsofthesandgrouse,thefolkloreandcustomsofTartarsandTurkomans,thepointsofaCossackpony--thesewerematterwhichevokedonlya
boredindifferenceinVanessa.Ontheotherhand,ClydewasnotthrilledonbeinginformedthattheQueenofSpaindetestedmauve,orthatacertainRoyalduchess,forwhosetasteshewasneverlikelytobecalledontocater,nursedaviolentbutperfectlyrespectablepassionforbeefolives.
Vanessabegantoarriveattheconclusionthatahusbandwhoaddedarovingdispositiontoasettledincomewasamixedblessing.Itwasonethingtogototheendoftheworld;itwasquiteanotherthingtomakeoneselfathomethere.Evenrespectabilityseemedtolose
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someofitsvirtuewhenonepractiseditinatent.
Boredanddisillusionedwiththedriftofhernewlife,VanessawasundisguisedlygladwhendistractionoffereditselfinthepersonofMr.Dobrinton,achanceacquaintancewhomtheyhadfirstrunagainstintheprimitivehostelryofabenightedCaucasiantown.DobrintonwaselaboratelyBritish,indeferenceperhapstothememoryofhismother,whowassaidtohavederivedpartofheroriginfromanEnglishgovernesswhohadcometoLembergalongwaybackinthelastcentury.IfyouhadcalledhimDobrinskiwhenoffhisguardhewouldprobablyhaverespondedreadilyenough;holding,nodoubt,thattheendcrownsall,hehadtakenaslightlibertywiththefamilypatronymic.Tolookat,Mr.Dobrintonwasnotaveryattractivespecimenofmasculinehumanity,butinVanessa'seyeshewasalinkwiththatcivilisationwhichClydeseemedsoreadytoignoreandforgo.Hecouldsing"Yip-I-Addy"andspokeofseveralduchessesasifheknewthem--inhismoreinspiredmomentsalmostasiftheyknewhim.HeevenpointedoutblemishesinthecuisineorcellardepartmentsofsomeofthemoreaugustLondonrestaurants,aspeciesofHigherCriticismwhichwaslistenedtobyVanessainawe-strickenadmiration.And,aboveall,hesympathised,atfirstdiscreetly,afterwardswithmorelatitude,withherfretfuldiscontentatClyde'snomadicinstincts.Businessconnectedwithoil-wellshadbroughtDobrintontotheneighbourhoodofBaku;the
pleasureofappealingtoanappreciativefemaleaudienceinducedhimtodeflecthisreturnjourneysoastocoincideagooddealwithhisnewaquaintances'lineofmarch.AndwhileClydetraffickedwithPersianhorse-dealersorhuntedthewildgreypigsintheirlairsandaddedtohisnotesonCentralAsiangame-fowl,Dobrintonandtheladydiscussedtheethicsofdesertrespectabilityfrompointsofviewthatshowedadailytendencytoconverge.AndoneeveningClydedinedalone,readingbetweenthecoursesalongletterfromVanessa,justifyingheractioninflittingtomorecivilisedlandswithamorecongenialcompanion.
ItwasdistinctlyevilluckforVanessa,whoreallywasthoroughlyrespectableatheart,thatsheandherlovershouldrunintothe
handsofKurdishbrigandsonthefirstdayoftheirflight.TobemewedupinasqualidKurdishvillageinclosecompanionshipwithamanwhowasonlyyourhusbandbyadoption,andtohavetheattentionofallEuropedrawntoyourplight,wasabouttheleastrespectablethingthatcouldhappen.Andtherewereinternationalcomplications,whichmadethingsworse."Englishladyandherhusband,offoreignnationality,heldbyKurdishbrigandswhodemandransom"hadbeenthereportofthenearestConsul.AlthoughDobrintonwasBritishatheart,theotherportionsofhimbelongedtotheHabsburgs,andthoughtheHabsburgstooknogreatprideorpleasureinthisparticularunitoftheirwideandvariedpossessions,andwouldgladlyhaveexchangedhimforsomeinterestingbirdormammalfortheSchoenbrunnPark,thecodeof
internationaldignitydemandedthattheyshoulddisplayadecentsolicitudeforhisrestoration.AndwhiletheForeignOfficesofthetwocountriesweretakingtheusualstepstosecurethereleaseoftheirrespectivesubjectsafurtherhorriblecomplicationensued.Clyde,followingonthetrackofthefugitives,notwithanyspecialdesiretoovertakethem,butwithadimfeelingthatitwasexpectedofhim,fellintothehandsofthesamecommunityofbrigands.Diplomacy,whileanxioustodoitsbestforaladyinmisfortune,showedsignsofbecomingrestiveatthisexpansionofitstask;asafrivolousyounggentlemaninDowningStreetremarked,"Anyhusband
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ofMrs.Dobrinton'sweshallbegladtoextricate,butletusknowhowmanythereareofthem."ForawomanwhovaluedrespectabilityVanessareallyhadnoluck.
Meanwhilethesituationofthecaptiveswasnotfreefromembarrassment.WhenClydeexplainedtotheKurdishheadmenthenatureofhisrelationshipwiththerunawaycoupletheyweregravelysympathetic,butvetoedanyideaofsummaryvengeance,sincetheHabsburgswouldbesuretoinsistonthedeliveryofDobrintonalive,andinareasonablyundamagedcondition.TheydidnotobjecttoClydeadministeringabeatingtohisrivalforhalfanhoureveryMondayandThursday,butDobrintonturnedsuchasicklygreenwhenheheardofthisarrangementthatthechiefwasobligedtowithdrawtheconcession.
Andso,inthecrampedquartersofamountainhut,theill-assortedtriowatchedtheinsufferablehourscrawlslowlyby.Dobrintonwastoofrightenedtobeconversational,Vanessawastoomortifiedtoopenherlips,andClydewasmoodilysilent.ThelittleLimbergnegociantpluckedupheartoncetogiveaquaveringrenderingof"Yip-I-Addy,"butwhenhereachedthestatement"homewasneverlikethis"Vanessatearfullybeggedhimtostop.Andsilencefasteneditselfwithgrowinginsistenceonthethreecaptiveswhoweresotragicallyherdedtogether;thriceadaytheydrewneartoone
anothertoswallowthemealthathadbeenpreparedforthem,likedesertbeastsmeetinginmutesuspendedhostilityatthedrinkingpool,andthendrewbacktoresumethevigilofwaiting.
Clydewaslesscarefullywatchedthantheothers."Jealousywillkeephimtothewoman'sside,"thoughthisKurdishcaptors.Theydidnotknowthathiswilder,truerlovewascallingtohimwithahundredvoicesfrombeyondthevillagebounds.Andoneevening,findingthathewasnotgettingtheattentiontowhichhewasentitled,ClydeslippedawaydownthemountainsideandresumedhisstudyofCentralAsiangame-fowl.Theremainingcaptiveswereguardedhenceforthwithgreaterrigour,butDobrintonatanyratescarcelyregrettedClyde'sdeparture.
Thelongarm,orperhapsonemightbettersaythelongpurse,ofdiplomacyatlasteffectedthereleaseoftheprisoners,buttheHabsburgswerenevertoenjoytheguerdonoftheiroutlay.OnthequayofthelittleBlackSeaport,wheretherescuedpaircameoncemoreintocontactwithcivilisation,Dobrintonwasbittenbyadogwhichwasassumedtobemad,thoughitmayonlyhavebeenindiscriminating.Thevictimdidnotwaitforsymptomsofrabiestodeclarethemselves,butdiedforthwithoffright,andVanessamadethehomewardjourneyalone,conscioussomehowofasenseofslightlyrestoredrespectability.Clyde,intheintervalsofcorrectingtheproofsofhisbookonthegame-fowlofCentralAsia,foundtimetopressadivorcesuitthroughtheCourts,andassoonaspossible
hiedhimawaytothecongenialsolitudesoftheGobiDeserttocollectmaterialforaworkonthefaunaofthatregion.Vanessa,byvirtueperhapsofherearlierintimacywiththecookingritesofthewhiting,obtainedaplaceonthekitchenstaffofaWestEndclub.Itwasnotbrilliant,butatleastitwaswithintwominutesofthePark.
THEBAKER'SDOZEN
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Characters-
MAJORRICHARDDUMBARTONMRS.CAREWEMRS.PALY-PAGET
Scene--Deckofeastward-boundsteamer.MajorDumbartonseatedondeck-chair,anotherchairbyhisside,withthename"Mrs.Carewe"paintedonit,athirdnearby.
(EnterR.Mrs.Carewe,seatsherselfleisurelyinherdeck-chair,theMajoraffectingtoignoreherpresence.)
Major(turningsuddenly):Emily!Afteralltheseyears!Thisisfate!
Em.:Fate!Nothingofthesort;it'sonlyme.Youmenarealwayssuchfatalists.Ideferredmydeparturethreewholeweeks,inordertocomeoutinthesameboatthatIsawyouweretravellingby.Ibribedthestewardtoputoutchairssidebysideinanunfrequentedcorner,andItookenormouspainstobelookingparticularly
attractivethismorning,andthenyousay"Thisisfate."IAMlookingparticularlyattractive,amInot?
Maj.:Morethanever.Timehasonlyaddedaripenesstoyourcharms.
Em.:Iknewyou'dputitexactlyinthosewords.Thephraseologyoflove-makingisawfullylimited,isn'tit?Afterall,thechiefcharmisinthefactofbeingmadeloveto.YouAREmakinglovetome,aren'tyou?
Maj.:Emilydearest,Ihadalreadybegunmakingadvances,evenbeforeyousatdownhere.Ialsobribedthestewardtoputour
seatstogetherinasecludedcorner."Youmayconsideritdone,sir,"washisreply.Thatwasimmediatelyafterbreakfast.
Em.:Howlikeamantohavehisbreakfastfirst.IattendedtotheseatbusinessassoonasIleftmycabin.
Maj.:Don'tbeunreasonable.ItwasonlyatbreakfastthatIdiscoveredyourblessedpresenceontheboat.Ipaidviolentandunusualattentiontoaflapperallthroughthemealinordertomakeyoujealous.She'sprobablyinhercabinwritingreamsaboutmetoafellow-flapperatthisverymoment.
Em.:Youneedn'thavetakenallthattroubletomakemejealous,
Dickie.Youdidthatyearsago,whenyoumarriedanotherwoman.
Maj.:Well,youhadgoneandmarriedanotherman--awidower,too,atthat.
Em.:Well,there'snoparticularharminmarryingawidower,Isuppose.I'mreadytodoitagain,ifImeetareallyniceone.
Maj.:Lookhere,Emily,it'snotfairtogoatthatrate.You'realapaheadofmethewholetime.It'smyplacetoproposetoyou;
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allyou'vegottodoistosay"Yes."
Em.:Well,I'vepracticallysaiditalready,soweneedn'tdawdleoverthatpart.
Maj.:Oh,well-
(Theylookateachother,thensuddenlyembracewithconsiderableenergy.)
Maj.:Wedead-heateditthattime.(Suddenlyjumpingtohisfeet)Oh,d---I'dforgotten!
Em.:Forgottenwhat?
Maj.:Thechildren.Ioughttohavetoldyou.Doyoumindchildren?
Em.:Notinmoderatequantities.Howmanyhaveyougot?
Maj.(countinghurriedlyonhisfingers):Five.
Em.:Five!
Maj.(anxiously):Isthattoomany?
Em.:It'sratheranumber.Theworstofitis,I'vesomemyself.
Maj.:Many?
Em.:Eight.
Maj.:Eightinsixyears!Oh,Emily!
Em.:Onlyfourweremyown.Theotherfourwerebymyhusband'sfirstmarriage.Still,thatpracticallymakeseight.
Maj.:Andeightandfivemakethirteen.Wecan'tstartourmarriedlifewiththirteenchildren;itwouldbemostunlucky.(Walksupanddowninagitation.)Somewaymustbefoundoutofthis.Ifwecouldonlybringthemdowntotwelve.Thirteenissohorriblyunlucky.
Em.:Isn'ttheresomewaybywhichwecouldpartwithoneortwo?Don'ttheFrenchwantmorechildren?I'veoftenseenarticlesaboutitintheFIGARO.
Maj.:IfancytheywantFrenchchildren.Minddon'tevenspeakFrench.
Em.:There'salwaysachancethatoneofthemmightturnoutdepravedandvicious,andthenyoucoulddisownhim.I'veheardofthatbeingdone.
Maj.:But,goodgracious,you'vegottoeducatehimfirst.Youcan'texpectaboytobevicioustillhe'sbeentoagoodschool.
Em.:Whycouldn'thebenaturallydepraved.Lotsofboysare.
Maj.:Onlywhentheyinherititfromdepravedparents.Youdon't
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supposethere'sanydepravityinme,doyou?
Em.:Itsometimesskipsageneration,youknow.Weren'tanyofyourfamilybad?
Maj.:Therewasanauntwhowasneverspokenof.
Em.:Thereyouare!
Maj.:Butonecan'tbuildtoomuchonthat.Inmid-Victoriandaystheylabelledallsortsofthingsasunspeakablethatweshouldspeakaboutquitetolerantly.IdaresaythisparticularaunthadonlymarriedaUnitarian,orrodetohoundsonbothsidesofherhorse,orsomethingofthatsort.Anyhow,wecan'twaitindefinitelyforoneofthechildrentotakeafteradoubtfullydepravedgreat-aunt.Somethingelsemustbethoughtof.
Em.:Don'tpeopleeveradoptchildrenfromotherfamilies?
Maj.:I'veheardofitbeingdonebychildlesscouples,andthosesortofpeople-
Em.:Hush!Someone'scoming.Whoisit?
Maj.:Mrs.Paly-Paget.
Em.:Theveryperson!
Maj.:What,toadoptachild?Hasn'tshegotany?
Em.:Onlyonemiserablehen-baby.
Maj.:Let'ssoundheronthesubject.
(EnterMrs.Paly-Paget,R.)
Ah,goodmorning.Mrs.Paly-Paget.Iwasjustwonderingat
breakfastwheredidwemeetlast?
Mrs.P.-P.:AttheCriterion,wasn'tit?
(Dropsintovacantchair.)
Maj.:AttheCriterion,ofcourse.
Mrs.P.-P.:IwasdiningwithLordandLadySlugford.Charmingpeople,butsomean.TheytookusafterwardstotheVelodrome,toseesomedancerinterpretingMendelssohn's"songwithoutclothes."Wewereallpackedupinalittleboxneartheroof,andyoumayimaginehowhotitwas.ItwaslikeaTurkishbath.And,of
course,onecouldn'tseeanything.
Maj.:ThenitwasnotlikeaTurkishbath.
Mrs.P.-P.:Major!
Em.:Wewerejusttalkingofyouwhenyoujoinedus.
Mrs.P.-P.:Really!Nothingverydreadful,Ihope.
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Em.:Ohdear,no!It'stooearlyonthevoyageforthatsortofthing.Wewerefeelingrathersorryforyou.
Mrs.P.-P.:Sorryforme?Whateverfor?
Maj.:Yourchildlesshearthandallthat,youknow.Nolittlepatteringfeet.
Mrs.P.-P.:Major!Howdareyou?I'vegotmylittlegirl,Isupposeyouknow.Herfeetcanpatteraswellasotherchildren's.
Maj.:Onlyonepairoffeet.
Mrs.P.-P.:Certainly.Mychildisn'tacentipede.Consideringthewaytheymoveusaboutinthosehorridjunglestations,withoutadecentbungalowtosetone'sfootin,IconsiderI'vegotahearthlesschild,ratherthanachildlesshearth.Thankyouforyoursympathyallthesame.Idaresayitwaswellmeant.Impertinenceoftenis.
Em.:DearMrs.Paly-Paget,wewereonlyfeelingsorryforyoursweetlittlegirlwhenshegrowsolder,youknow.Nolittlebrothersandsisterstoplaywith.
Mrs.P.-P.:Mrs.Carewe,thisconversationstrikesmeasbeingindelicate,tosaytheleastofit.I'veonlybeenmarriedtwoandahalfyears,andmyfamilyisnaturallyasmallone.
Maj.:Isn'titratheranexaggerationtotalkofonelittlefemalechildasafamily?Afamilysuggestsnumbers.
Mrs.P.-P.:Really,Major,youlanguageisextraordinary.IdaresayI'veonlygotalittlefemalechild,asyoucallit,atpresent-
Maj.:Oh,itwon'tchangeintoaboylateron,ifthat'swhatyou'recountingon.Takeourwordforit;we'vehadsomuchmore
experienceintheseaffairsthanyouhave.Onceafemale,alwaysafemale.Natureisnotinfallible,butshealwaysabidesbyhermistakes.
Mrs.P.-P.(rising):MajorDumbarton,theseboatsareuncomfortablysmall,butItrustweshallfindampleaccommodationforavoidingeachother'ssocietyduringtherestofthevoyage.Thesamewishappliestoyou,Mrs.Carewe.
(ExitMrs.Paly-Paget,L.)
Maj.:Whatanunnaturalmother!(Sinksintochair.)
Em.:Iwouldn'ttrustachildwithanyonewhohadatemperlikehers.Oh,Dickie,whydidyougoandhavesuchalargefamily?Youalwayssaidyouwantedmetobethemotherofyourchildren.
Maj.:Iwasn'tgoingtowaitwhileyouwerefoundingandfosteringdynastiesinotherdirections.Whyyoucouldn'tbecontenttohavechildrenofyourown,withoutcollectingthemlikebatchesofpostagestampsIcan'tthink.Theideaofmarryingamanwithfourchildren!
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Em.:Well,you'reaskingmetomarryonewithfive.
Maj.:Five!(Springingtohisfeet)DidIsayfive?
Em.:Youcertainlysaidfive.
Maj.:Oh,Emily,supposingI'vemiscountedthem!Listennow,keepcountwithme.Richard--that'safterme,ofcourse.
Em.:One.
Maj.:Albert-Victor--thatmusthavebeeninCoronationyear.
Em.:Two!
Maj.:Maud.She'scalledafter-
Em.:Nevermindwho'sshe'scalledafter.Three!
Maj.:AndGerald.
Em.:Four!
Maj.:That'sthelot.
Em.:Areyousure?
Maj.:Iswearthat'sthelot.ImusthavecountedAlbert-Victorastwo.
Em.:Richard!
Maj.:Emily!
(Theyembrace.)
THEMOUSE
TheodoricVolerhadbeenbroughtup,frominfancytotheconfinesofmiddleage,byafondmotherwhosechiefsolicitudehadbeentokeephimscreenedfromwhatshecalledthecoarserrealitiesoflife.WhenshediedsheleftTheodoricaloneinaworldthatwasasrealasever,andagooddealcoarserthanheconsideredithadanyneedtobe.Toamanofhistemperamentandupbringingevenasimplerailwayjourneywascrammedwithpettyannoyancesandminordiscords,andashesettledhimselfdowninasecondclass
compartmentoneSeptembermorninghewasconsciousofruffledfeelingsandgeneralmentaldiscomposure.Hehadbeenstayingatacountryvicarage,theinmatesofwhichhadbeencertainlyneitherbrutalnorbacchanalian,buttheirsupervisionofthedomesticestablishmenthadbeenofthatlaxorderwhichinvitesdisaster.Theponycarriagethatwastotakehimtothestationhadneverbeenproperlyordered,andwhenthemomentforhisdeparturedrewnearthehandy-manwhoshouldhaveproducedtherequiredarticlewasnowheretobefound.InthisemergencyTheodoric,tohismutebutveryintensedisgust,foundhimselfobligedtocollaboratewiththe
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vicar'sdaughterinthetaskofharnessingthepony,whichnecessitatedgropingaboutinanill-lightedouthousecalledastable,andsmellingverylikeone--exceptinpatcheswhereitsmeltofmice.Withoutbeingactuallyafraidofmice,Theodoricclassedthemamongthecoarserincidentsoflife,andconsideredthatProvidence,withalittleexerciseofmoralcourage,mightlongagohaverecognisedthattheywerenotindispensable,andhavewithdrawnthemfromcirculation.AsthetrainglidedoutofthestationTheodoric'snervousimaginationaccusedhimselfofexhalingaweakodourofstable-yard,andpossiblyofdisplayingamouldystrawortwoonhisusuallywell-brushedgarments.Fortunatelytheonlyotheroccupantofthecompartment,aladyofaboutthesameageashimself,seemedinclinedforslumberratherthanscrutiny;thetrainwasnotduetostoptilltheterminuswasreached,inaboutanhour'stime,andthecarriagewasoftheold-fashionedsort,thatheldnocommunicationwithacorridor,thereforenofurthertravellingcompanionswerelikelytointrudeonTheodoric'ssemi-privacy.Andyetthetrainhadscarcelyattaineditsnormalspeedbeforehebecamereluctantlybutvividlyawarethathewasnotalonewiththeslumberinglady;hewasnotevenaloneinhisownclothes.Awarm,creepingmovementoverhisfleshbetrayedtheunwelcomeandhighlyresentedpresence,unseenbutpoignant,ofastrayedmouse,thathadevidentlydashedintoitspresentretreatduringtheepisodeoftheponyharnessing.Furtivestampsandshakesand
wildlydirectedpinchesfailedtodislodgetheintruder,whosemotto,indeed,seemedtobeExcelsior;andthelawfuloccupantoftheclotheslaybackagainstthecushionsandendeavouredrapidlytoevolvesomemeansforputtinganendtothedualownership.ItwasunthinkablethatheshouldcontinueforthespaceofawholehourinthehorriblepositionofaRowtonHouseforvagrantmice(alreadyhisimaginationhadatleastdoubledthenumbersofthealieninvasion).Ontheotherhand,nothinglessdrasticthanpartialdisrobingwouldeasehimofhistormentor,andtoundressinthepresenceofalady,evenforsolaudableapurpose,wasanideathatmadehiseartipstingleinablushofabjectshame.Hehadneverbeenabletobringhimselfeventothemildexposureofopen-worksocksinthepresenceofthefairsex.Andyet--theladyinthis
casewastoallappearancessoundlyandsecurelyasleep;themouse,ontheotherhand,seemedtobetryingtocrowdaWanderjahrintoafewstrenuousminutes.Ifthereisanytruthinthetheoryoftransmigration,thisparticularmousemustcertainlyhavebeeninaformerstateamemberoftheAlpineClub.Sometimesinitseagernessitlostitsfootingandslippedforhalfaninchorso;andthen,infright,ormoreprobablytemper,itbit.Theodoricwasgoadedintothemostaudaciousundertakingofhislife.Crimsoningtothehueofabeetrootandkeepinganagonisedwatchonhisslumberingfellow-traveller,heswiftlyandnoiselesslysecuredtheendsofhisrailway-rugtotheracksoneithersideofthecarriage,sothatasubstantialcurtainhungathwartthecompartment.Inthenarrowdressing-roomthathehadthusimprovisedheproceededwith
violenthastetoextricatehimselfpartiallyandthemouseentirelyfromthesurroundingcasingsoftweedandhalfwool.Astheunravelledmousegaveawildleaptothefloor,therug,slippingitsfasteningateitherend,alsocamedownwithaheart-curdlingflop,andalmostsimultaneouslytheawakenedsleeperopenedhereyes.Withamovementalmostquickerthanthemouse's,Theodoricpouncedontherug,andhauleditsamplefoldschin-highoverhisdismantledpersonashecollapsedintothefurthercornerofthecarriage.Thebloodracedandbeatintheveinsofhisneckandforehead,whilehewaiteddumblyforthecommunication-cordtobe
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pulled.Thelady,however,contentedherselfwithasilentstareatherstrangelymuffledcompanion.Howmuchhadsheseen,Theodoricqueriedtohimself,andinanycasewhatonearthmustshethinkofhispresentposture?
"IthinkIhavecaughtachill,"heventureddesperately.
"Really,I'msorry,"shereplied."Iwasjustgoingtoaskyouifyouwouldopenthiswindow."
"Ifancyit'smalaria,"headded,histeethchatteringslightly,asmuchfromfrightasfromadesiretosupporthistheory.
"I'vegotsomebrandyinmyhold-all,ifyou'llkindlyreachitdownforme,"saidhiscompanion.
"Notforworlds--Imean,Inevertakeanythingforit,"heassuredherearnestly.
"IsupposeyoucaughtitintheTropics?"
Theodoric,whoseacquaintancewiththeTropicswaslimitedtoanannualpresentofachestofteafromanuncleinCeylon,feltthateventhemalariawasslippingfromhim.Woulditbepossible,he
wondered,todisclosetherealstateofaffairstoherinsmallinstalments?
"Areyouafraidofmice?"heventured,growing,ifpossible,morescarletintheface.
"Notunlesstheycameinquantities,likethosethatateupBishopHatto.Whydoyouask?"
"Ihadonecrawlinginsidemyclothesjustnow,"saidTheodoricinavoicethathardlyseemedhisown."Itwasamostawkwardsituation."
"Itmusthavebeen,ifyouwearyourclothesatalltight,"sheobserved;"butmicehavestrangeideasofcomfort."
"Ihadtogetridofitwhileyouwereasleep,"hecontinued;then,withagulp,headded,"itwasgettingridofitthatbroughtmeto--tothis."
"Surelyleavingoffonesmallmousewouldn'tbringonachill,"sheexclaimed,withalevitythatTheodoricaccountedabominable.
Evidentlyshehaddetectedsomethingofhispredicament,andwasenjoyinghisconfusion.Allthebloodinhisbodyseemedtohavemobilisedinoneconcentratedblush,andanagonyofabasement,
worsethanamyriadmice,creptupanddownoverhissoul.Andthe,asreflectionbegantoassertitself,sheerterrortooktheplaceofhumiliation.Witheveryminutethatpassedthetrainwasrushingnearertothecrowdedandbustlingterminuswheredozensofpryingeyeswouldbeexchangedfortheoneparalysingpairthatwatchedhimfromthefurthercornerofthecarriage.Therewasoneslenderdespairingchance,whichthenextfewminutesmustdecide.Hisfellow-travellermightrelapseintoablessedslumber.Butastheminutesthrobbedbythatchanceebbedaway.ThefurtiveglancewhichTheodoricstoleatherfromtimetotimedisclosedonlyan
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unwinkingwakefulness.
"Ithinkwemustbegettingnearnow,"shepresentlyobserved.
Theodorichadalreadynotedwithgrowingterrortherecurringstacksofsmall,uglydwellingsthatheraldedthejourney'send.Thewordsactedasasignal.Likeahuntedbeastbreakingcoveranddashingmadlytowardssomeotherhavenofmomentarysafetyhethrewasidehisrug,andstruggledfranticallyintohisdishevelledgarments.Hewasconsciousofdullsurburbanstationsracingpastthewindow,ofachoking,hammeringsensationinhisthroatandheart,andofanicysilenceinthatcornertowardswhichhedarednotlook.Thenashesankbackinhisseat,clothedandalmostdelirious,thetrainsloweddowntoafinalcrawl,andthewomanspoke.
"Wouldyoubesokind,"sheasked,"astogetmeaportertoputmeintoacab?It'sashametotroubleyouwhenyou'refeelingunwell,butbeingblindmakesonesohelplessatarailwaystation."
EndofProjectGutenbergEtextofReginaldinRussiaetcbySaki(Munro)