Introduction - I wanted to satirize two things -

1. Christmas letters that people stick in with their cards and the warnings on drug bottles.

2. Regarding Christmas letters, I like getting interesting letters from people but some are deadly boring. So I purposely imitated the most boring letters.

Then I thought that people might get so bored reading the letter, it could be harmful to them. So I included a warning that imitates drug company warnings. I used actual drug warning labels as models for the satire.

My Deadly Christmas Card

Beware- This Letter Is Deadly(Last year, I lost three dear friends last year who attempted to read my Christmas letter in one sitting.)

There are ways to cope with this letter:

One friend said he survived reading my Christmas letter by shredding it and then reading the pieces (though he did report minor depression.)

Some find it helpful to take mind altering drugs before reading and then read it backwards and in a mirror.

One parent used it as a disciplinary tool, reading it to her child when he misbehaved.

When this letter is sent over the internet, major anti virus companies like Norton and McAfee identify my letter as a virus and block it almost as soon as I send it out.

The FDA makes me print a warning label at the top of this letter.

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Do not attempt to avoid side effects by having the letter read to you in a foreign language that you do not know. Serious side effects result anyway.

After reading, use caution when engaging in hazardous occupations requiring complete mental alertness such as operating machinery such as chain saws and mulchers.

Individuals should be advised against consuming liquids and/or food due to choking danger while reading.

Do not use this letter recreationally in conjunction with airplane glue or Freon.

The room in which the reading is done should be cleared of sharp or blunt objects weapons of mass destruction, and land mines.

If you get a printed version of this letter, do not attempt to burn it. If you delete a digital copy of this letter from your PC. Your PC will

crash once a week and this letter will re-appear. Before you read this letter, sign a “Do not resuscitate” form.

Very Common side effect of reading this letter include:

Low blood pressure, nausea, clinging behavior, grieving, wistfulness, ear wax, fatigue, confusion, impaired balance, inappropriate or uncontrollable sexual urges, narcolepsy, sighing, eye floaters, headache, post traumatic stress disorder and sudden unexplained death.

Less common or rare side effects include: transgender growths, anterograde amnesia, somnambulism, anorexia, deviated septum, bulimia, delusions of grandeur, diminished penis size, depression, bed wetting, foot thumping, dizziness (vestibular balance disorders), drooling, slurred speech, anthrax, ear lobe growth, over-stimulation, frequent grunting, ingrown toenails, tongue thrusting, anal itching (pruritus ani), rubbery stools, bad breath, and return to puberty.

More serious side effects may include:

Diplopia, capriciousness, spinal fusion, brittle breast breakaway of, pregnancy, erectile dysfunction or conversely constant erection, premature

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senility, coughing up internal organs, , impaired motor functions, restless leg syndrome, dwarfism, whooping, body transparency or luminescence, inappropriate growth of hair, rectal boils

Long term effect include:

Webbing of feet or hands, jelly fish like movements, loss of hearing or increased hearing volume, loss of muscle coordination reflex tachycardia, sleep disturbances or nightmares, slow heartbeat, cellulite aseptic ecrosisphobias, uncoordinated dancing, intense rage.

Symptoms of prolonged excessive reading include: use of inappropriate language (turrets syndrome) and self mutilation.

Do not read in an area occupied by pets or children or grazing animals.

Do not read under water below 50 meters, especially while smoking.

In humans, increased tolerance to this letter’s effects can develop over the course of a few weeks, but tolerance to the anxiolytic effects usually does not develop. Most if not all of the toxins produced in the course of reading this letter are metabolized; very little is excreted unchanged. Foods that acidify the urine can lead to prolonged side effects.

Reading intervals should be individualized for severity of symptoms, body weight, and any co-morbid conditions the individual may have. Reading this is contraindicated in people with a known hypersensitivity.

If a reader needs emergency medical attention, bring this letter to the emergency room so that cause severity can be understood and determined. Do not allow emergency medical personnel to read this entire letter as this may compromise their competence and their ability to treat you and other patients

Send this letter to seven people within seven days. One woman in Florida did not and her whole town disappeared into a sinkhole.

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Well, here goes. You have been adequately warned.

Not responsible for conditions and injuries sustained…..

Here is the letter -

Merry Christmas

Dear friend and relatives:

Well it is Christmas season and appropriately it is snowing. I was thinking it would be a good time to write a Christmas letter to friends and relatives with thoughts and news.

Snow is the nice thing about living in the northeast. One never knows when it will snow except in the summer when you know it won’t. Snow I mean

Before Christmas, there was a sale at this store in Milford, near the Westfield Mall. I bought quite a few presents there. I would tell you to go there but I can’t remember the name. You will know it when you see it. It has a big red and white sign in front and a large paring lot.

Oh. I had a girl friend this year. She was from some central American country. She seemed a little uncaring at times. Sometimes she brought her cousin Pablo with her on dates. She lived with him. Some of my friends told me she was going out with me just so she could marry me and get citizenship but I didn’t believe that one bit. Anyway, everything was going fine until one day when we were on a long ride. I was telling her about all the times in my life when my scalp was itchy and the products I used to relieve the itch. Anyway, all of a sudden she started shrieking and opened the door on the highway in pretty heavy traffic and jumped out. I think she might have had mental problems. But she is dead now so I guess it doesn’t make any difference.

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I am still driving my same old car but the engine is getting a little noisy. I have a scratch on the trunk from when I carried my bike to the Jersey shore for a vacation also.

I had a good time by the way. That seems like a long time ago and I don’t remember whether it was June, July or August. . But even in New England, the sun was hot every day except when it was cloudy. The ocean sure had a lot of waves often. I was going to count them but I stopped after a while.

I went on a diet and lost twenty five pounds. I ate mostly vegetables. I read an article that vegetables caused a lot of gas but I am not sure that I am any gassier than before when I was eating other things.

I had as dream a few nights before Christmas that I was walking along a sidewalk somewhere noisy. I don’t remember too much else of it. I wondered what the dream meant. I told my co-workers at work but they didn’t say anything. I think some of them are deaf because they don’t seem to hear me.

I haven’t been listening to as much music as usual but I did hear a song that I liked the other day. It was about a boy and a girl and a town they lived in. If I think of the name of the song, I will write you and let you know.

My fingernails are growing more slowly recently and I don’t know what is happening to me! My sister swears eating pineapple makes her fingernails grow. I do shave as much as usual. That is encouraging. Did you ever have your nails grow slowly? I don’t break as many nails – you know the jagged ones that catch on wool sweaters. I hate when that happens. But I have been wearing more cotton sweaters recently mostly solid colors and hang nails don’t get caught on them like with wool sweaters.

I just thought if some of the words of that song that I mentioned! Thank God. You were probably wondering what song it was. This girl said

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something like “and if you go, you will take something or other with you”… Something like that I think.

I was thinking that you probably can relate to some of the things I am saying because it is universal. Everyone gets gassier eating some foods. We all have dreams like the one I described where I was walking along a sidewalk with the noise and all that. It might have been traffic but I think it wasn’t. All of us get scratches on our cars. It is the universal human condition to have things in common although you might never eat vegetables and get gas from that.

I hope I am not boring you. I am just trying to share my inner most thoughts with you so that we can relate. As I said it is the universal human condition to have things in common.

My friend Joe who lives in New Haven got a Honda two years ago. He has had any trouble with it hardly. One of the things he had trouble with was covered by a recall.

My cousin’s friend brother just got back from a trip to China of all places. He said he liked some of the trip but some things were not too exciting.

This year my days are busy, Everyday I eat toast for breakfast, a sandwich for lunch and different things for dinner. I watch TV. I go to bed and then I get up again and have toast again. Does that sound like your day?

Well, write my and tell me all your news.

Merry Christmas

Bruce

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