Stalin and The Soviet Union SkitKarl Marx ViktorVladimir Lenin DmitryJoseph Stalin War HeroAssassin IgorTrotsky Newspaper ReaderIvan Radio ListenerBoris SergeyPeasant #1 OlegPeasant #2

Scene 1: The Ghosts of Communists PastIn an old German graveyard, we find the ghost of the famed communist revolutionary—Vladimir Lenin. The haunting spirit awaits the arrival of one of his earthly heroes, the founder of modern communism, Karl Marx.

Lenin: I’m so nervous. To think, I’m going to talk with the great Karl Marx. The man who boldly proclaimed that the proletariat would inevitably rip the silver spoon from the bourgeoisie’s mouth, beat them to a bloody pulp with the blunt object, thereby creating a classless society;

Suddenly a poof of smoke and the sound of wailing tortured souls fills the graveyard. A nearby grave opens to reveal the ghost of Karl Marx.

Lenin: Karl Marx! I can’t believe it’s you! I worship the ground you levitate over!

Marx: Thank you Vladimir. Yes indeed I had great dreams for the future of this troubled world. In fact, I even had some ideas that I thought would work pretty well in your Russia. But, sadly, it all fell apart.

Lenin: Don’t blame yourself my wise friend.

Marx: I don’t. I blame you and the twisted perversion of Marxism you created.

Lenin: What?! Me! All I did was adapt your theories to fit conditions in Russia. You said the industrial working class would rise spontaneously to overthrow capitalism. But Russia didn’t have a large urban proletariat. I needed an elite group to lead the revolution and set up a “dictatorship of the proletariat.”

Marx: Don’t Bolshevik me Vlady.

Lenin: Wow, great joke! What are you, 15? The Bolsheviks were the members of the party I organized to run Russia. Cut me some slack Karl. I only wanted to be like you.

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Marx: I spent a lifetime perfecting my theories. And then . . . BAM! You walk into the picture and ruin everything.

Lenin: All this criticism from my idol is really hurting my self-esteem.

A single tear falls down Lenin’s faceLenin: Mr. Marx, I tried to follow your plan the best I could in some pretty difficult conditions. I tried as hard as I could—all I want is your approval.

Marx: Well, that is true. Don’t take it too hard my boy. I guess I can’t blame you for being less intelligent than me.

Lenin: And besides, I wasn’t nearly as bad as that Stalin guy.

Marx: Oh sweet mother of everything good and pure! Joseph Stalin!

Lenin: He single-handedly crushed both of our dreams and created a Russia that had only existed in our worst nightmares. But alas, we’re dead! What can we do about it?

Marx: We must tell the tale of Stalin’s injustice. Let others know of his mistakes, so they will never be repeated again.

Lenin: Hey, that’s a pretty good idea. I just figured we’d haunt his house or something.

Scene 2: apuñalado en la cabezaLenin: The unfortunate story of Stalin’s tyranny began when I was 54 years old. I had fallen ill, and it became apparent that I would soon die. I had warned the Russian leaders of Stalin. I told them, “Comrade Stalin . . . has concentrated an enormous power in his hands; and I am not sure that he always knows how to use that power with sufficient caution.”

Marx: A fair warning Vlady. Things would have turned out much better had Leon Trotsky become the leader of Russia. Now there was a true Marxist thinker.

Lenin: Agreed. As his main political opponent, Trotsky spoke against Stalin, but you know, once you become an enemy of Stalin, your life is immediately in danger. Trotsky fled Russia. But, Stalin’s Assassin finally caught up with Trotsky in a Mexican hotel room.

Inside a rundown Mexican hotel, Trotsky ponders the joy of a communist state when his concentration is broken by a loud knock at the door.Trotsky: Yes. Hello, who’s there?

Assassin: (in a fake Mexican woman voice) It’s room service senor. Would you care for a bite to eat?

Trotsky: Uh, you sound like a man. A Russian man.

Assassin: (continuing with the fake Mexican woman voice) No hablo English senor. The Capitalist swine who run this hotel keep me and my family poor and starving.

Enraged by greedy capitalists Trotsky swings open the door.

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Trotsky: Grrrrrrrr! Capitalist! Alright, what do you have to eat?

Assassin: (In a manly Russian voice) Chew on this!

The Assassin pulls out an ice pick and rams it into Trotsky’s head.Trotsky: Oh the pain! This is like the worst way to die ever. Hey, is this thing rusty. Come on! You couldn’t even clean the ice pick first!?

Assassin: Comrade Stalin sends his regards. Hahahahahahahahahaha!

The Assassin turns away, disappearing into the hazy Mexican sunset.Marx: Ouch! Now that’s gettin’ the shaft. Somehow Trotsky stayed alive for almost two days.

Lenin: Trotsky should have seen that one coming. Once you get on Stalin’s bad side it’s only a matter of time before the assassin shows up. Hey, since Trotsky’s dead, why don’t we invite him over to hang out with us?

Marx: Nah, writing in three narrators is way too complicated.

Scene 3: Commanding the EconomyMarx: Now here’s where things really get ugly. I had predicted that under communism the state would eventually wither away. However, under Stalin, the opposite occurred. That reject turned the Soviet Union into a totalitarian state, controlled by a powerful and complex bureaucracy.

Lenin: I was literally rolling over in my vaccum-sealed glass coffin when I saw how my revolution was spoiled. It all came crashing down with Stalin’s Five-Year Plans.

Marx: What an idiot! Look, here’s Stalin and one of his henchmen now.

Inside the Kremlin, Stalin paces around his lavish office. He is a short man, but with a mustache large enough to compensate. Stalin: (Thick Russian accent) In the past, we have suffered because Russia is economically backwards. My new Five-Year Plans will improve our industry, transportation systems, heavy machinery, and increase farm output.

Ivan: Truly glorious Comrade Stalin! Please don’t kill me. How shall these noble tasks be accomplished? Please don’t kill me.

Stalin: Simple, The government will own all business and distribute all of the country’s resources. We will have a command economy, in which government officials make all basic economic decisions.

Ivan: Please don’t kill me. Do you think the people may be upset over loosing all control over their own labor? Please don’t kill me.

Stalin: Hmmmmm. It sounds like you are questioning my ideas. I’m not sure if you are cut out for this type of work Ivan. Assassin!

A cold breeze of despair blows through the room as Stalin’s Assassin appears.Assassin: Yes, Comrade Stalin.

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Stalin: Ivan here has disagreed with me. Would you please shave off his mustache and choke him with the shavings?

Assassin: Yes Comrade Stalin.

The Assassin grabs Ivan and begins to drag him away.Ivan: Please have mercy. I was only questioning the soundness of your economic policies and your blatant disregard of the principles on which the Bolshevik Revolution was founded. AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Stalin: HAHAHAHAH! Oh Ivan, get a life. Oh wait, too late. HAHAHAHAHA!

Lenin: Stalin’s plan was hardly effective. Production did go up in some areas, but the standard of living did not improve for the vast majority of Russians.

Marx: That’s because he strayed from the path of true Marxism. He was supposed to be creating a classless society where the means of production were owned by the communities. Instead he screwed the whole thing up by having the government own the means of production. An idea, by the way, that started with your tinkering of my theories Vladimir.

Lenin: I’m sorry Mr. Marx. I wish I were dead. Oh, wait.

Scene 4: Stalin and Collective FarmingStalin: Boris! I have a new idea. It’s a simple plan that will help increase Russia’s agricultural output.

Boris: Please don’t kill me. What is your new plan Comrade Stalin? Please don’t kill me.

Stalin: Lenin’s economic policy allowed peasants to own small plots of land. I do not think peasants should have so much power. I will have peasants work on state-owned farms, called collectives. The government will set prices for the produce grown and own all of the machinery. I believe we could really increase production by taking control away from the peasants.

Boris: Comrade Stalin. Do you believe there is a chance . . . please don’t kill me . . . people could rebel to such an action? Our people remember all too well the trials caused by serfdom. Please don’t kill me. I don’t think peasants will be willing to give up their land.

Stalin: Boris, Boris, Boris. You’re disagreeing with me. I think you know what that means?

Boris: Please don’t kill me! I was only considering the . . .

Stalin: Assassin!

Assassin: Yes, Comrade Stalin.

Stalin: Take Boris on a long walk off a short cliff.Assassin: A short cliff? But wouldn’t that only slightly injure him?

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Stalin: Oh, you know what I mean. Just . . . throw him into a wood chipper or something. Then use his pasty remains to fertilize my new collective farms.

The Assassin grabs Boris and begins hauling him away.Boris: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Lenin: Although his body soon became the consistency of applesauce, Boris was right. Many peasants resisted Stalin’s new reforms.

Out on the frozen tundra Russians call farmland.Peasant #1: We must show that tyrant Stalin we will not be pushed around. Come peasant #2, let’s kill the farm animals, destroy the tools, and burn the crops to show our defiance.

Peasant #2: Do you have any idea how devalued I feel when you call me Peasant #2?

Peasant #1: Look, we needed a second peasant so I could explain to someone what the peasants did in response to Stalin’s ridiculous collective farming idea. Your name is hardly important.

Peasant #2: It’s only sad because it’s true. Alright, lets burn this stuff and get out of here before Stalin finds out and has us killed.

Peasant #1: Let’s rage!

Back at the KremlinStalin: What?! Oh, that’s weak sauce. So, the peasants think they can mess with Comrade Stalin. Viktor!

Viktor: Yes Comrade Stalin. Please don’t kill me.

Stalin: Why does everyone keep saying that?

Viktor: Saying what Comrade Stalin?

Stalin: Please don’t kill me!

Viktor: Uh. I don’t know. Well . . . please don’t kill me . . . it could be because you kill a lot of people for seemingly no reason. Please don’t kill me.

Stalin: Oh, is that right? Well, let’s see how you like it. Assassin!

Assassin: Yes Comrade Stalin.

Stalin: Have all the peasants who destroyed government property, and some innocent ones just for good measure, thrown into Gulags, and see that they never come out. And while you’re at it, toss Viktor into one as well.

Viktor: Thank you for your mercy Comrade Stalin. My wife and children will be ever so . . . Stalin: Then put his head into a frozen lake until it becomes a huge ice block you can beat the other prisoners with.

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Viktor: Oh. Never mind.

Scene 5: Terror is spelled S-T-A-L-I-NMarx: Stalin’s agricultural reforms didn’t do much to improve Russia’s production of food. But it did establish his control over the peasantry and his willingness to use terror to obtain his goals.

Inside Stalin’s office.Stalin: I must gain greater control. I never know who is plotting against me. Dmitry!

Dmitry: Yes, Comrade Stalin.

Stalin: I must discover my enemies and destroy them before they can get to me! I am going to purge Russia of everything that could stand in my way. Dmitry, what do you think of my plan?

Dmitry: Sounds good to me. I love needless killing.

Stalin: I will launch a great purge. My secret police will capture old Bolsheviks, army heroes, industrial managers, writers, and even some ordinary citizens. Everyone who could possibly stand in Stalin’s way must be eliminated!

Dmitry: Did you just refer to yourself in the third-person?

Stalin: Assassin!

Assassin: Yes Comrade Stalin

Dmitry: Oh, come on! For that?! You’re killing me for that?! I mean, seriously! I didn’t even mention the damage you’ll cause the country by killing experts in industry, economics, engineering, and all the talented writers and thinkers. What if there’s a Second World War? Who will lead your armies when all the decorated generals are dead or in Gulags?

Stalin: A Second World War? And who’s going to start this little war of yours Dimitry? That German panty-waist with the silly mustache. Hahahaha! Nice try Dmitry. Assassin! I think you know the drill.

The Assassin violently clubs Dmitry on the head, then hauls him away.Assassin: Yes Comrade Stalin.

Meanwhile in a frozen and encaged GulagWar Hero: I can’t believe this. All I ever did was fight for Russia. Now Stalin has thrown me in this concentration camp for no reason. Man its cold.

Peasant #1: Yeah, tell me about it. I’ve been here for months.

War Hero: Hey, what happened to your friend?

The frozen solid corpse of Peasant #2 stands next to Peasant #1Peasant #1: Oh, you mean Peasant #2. Yeah, he died like three weeks ago.

War Hero: Oh, so that’s the smell.

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Peasant #1: Yeah, it’s pretty bad. We were going to eat him, but I’ mean, come on, who wants that in their mouth?

Scene 6: Propaganda Marx: Boy, Stalin is sure taking care of business.

Lenin: It’s true Karl. Stalin had enormous power, but he began to realize that with all of the senseless killing, his image was a little tainted.

Marx: That’s because he’s the devil disguised as a short hairy Russian. He’s keeping the proletariat from rising up and destroying class and his tyrannical government. Does Stalin die in this skit?

Lenin: you’ll just have to wait and see. But first, let’s see what Stalin is plotting now.

Stalin: Igor!

Igor: . . .

Stalin: Igor!

Igor: . . .

Stalin: Igor! Why won’t you answer me?

Igor: Well . . . please don’t kill me . . . you seem to kill everyone who talks to you.

Stalin: That’s a bright observation Igor. Assassin!

Assassin: Yes comrade Stalin.

Stalin: Take Igor away and test some of our new grenades in his front pockets. I can tell he is plotting against me.

Igor: Wait! Wait! Comrade Stalin. I know you are a great man who is fair and kind, you just have a bad image because of some of the things you have done.

Stalin ponders for a moment. He strokes his intimidating mustache.Stalin: Hhhmmmmmmm. Continue.

Igor: Well, if you controlled the media to let everyone know how nice you really are, then maybe everyone wouldn’t be so afraid of you.

Stalin: But in reality I could still kill people whenever I wanted?Igor: Sure, yeah. Kill away. But the public would be none the wiser. It would be our little secret.

Stalin: Don’t you mean . . . my little secret? Assassin! Defenestrate Igor into a meat grinder.

The Assassin begins dragging Igor toward the open window.Assassin: Yes Comrade Stalin.

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Stalin: Thanks for the plan Igor. HAHAHAHAHAHAH!

Stalin’s propaganda campaign is immediately unleashed on the Russian public. Newspaper Reader: Wow. Stalin sure is a great guy. Look at this picture, helping little children. What a sweet man.

Radio Listener: Every show on the radio is about how great communism is and the dreaded evil surrounding capitalism. I’m sure glad we have Stalin to lead us.

Back at the KremlinStalin: My plan is working beautifully. Sergey!

Sergey: Yes Comrade Stalin.

Stalin: Tell me, what is the opinion of me on the streets of Russia?

Sergey: You are seen as a godlike figure Comrade Stalin. Tell me, are you a god?

Stalin: HAHAHAHAHAHA! No Sergey you simple, simple man. I’m just like every other man. I have to put my pants on one leg at a time, except once they’re on, I give the word and people die instantly. For example . . . Assassin!

Assassin: Yes Comrade Stalin.

Stalin: Make Sergey run headfirst into a brick wall over and over again until he passes out, then feed him to my dogs.

Sergey: This skit sucks.

Scene 7: Stalin vs. GodMarx: Now finally Stalin has an idea that I can agree with. Atheism, the belief that there is no god, became an official state policy in Russia.

Lenin: Stalin tried to replace religion with communist ideology. Communism even had its own sacred writings. They considered Karl Marx’s and my writings sacred like scriptures.

Marx: You got that right. The writings of Karl Marx and Vladimir Lenin are pretty special.

Inside the KremlinStalin: Oleg! I have just concocted an ingenious plan. You see, people find hope in religion, but I want their only source of hope to be me. So, what should I do?

Oleg: Become increasingly religious and in tune with your spiritual side.

Stalin: No, no, no! Here’s what I’ll do: imprison leaders of the Russian Orthodox Church, kill priests or throw them into Gulags, seize Jewish synagogues, ban the use of Hebrew, and, I think I’ll strongly discourage Islam.

Oleg: Wait, I know. What if . . . we become the change? Or, what if . . . we celebrate our differences? How about, what if . . . we make friends with and embrace those different than us?

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Stalin: What if . . . I have you killed. Assassin! Take this optimistic fool’s foot and shove it down his throat until it kicks his colon.

Assassin: Yes Comrade Stalin.

Oleg: Great gratuitous use of detail for explaining my murder Comrade Stalin.

Stalin: Why thank you Oleg. It seems natural, but really it’s a gift that comes with practice.

Scene 8: Three Communists is a CrowdStalin lays down for a night of peaceful rest, completely unaware that two ghosts hover over him.Stalin: (yawns) What a day. I did only kill about seven people though. Well, there’s always tomorrow.

Marx: Now’s our chance. Let’s haunt his dreams and ruin his peace. Vlady, you go first.

Lenin: (in the scariest ghost voice he can muster) Comrade Stalin! You will burn in hell for your evil deeds.

Marx: Wait, we’re atheists, we don’t believe in all that stuff.

Lenin: Oh, right.

Suddenly Stalin awakes! He sees the ghosts of Karl Marx and Vladimir Lenin above him.

Stalin: Sweet Mother Russia! The ghosts of Lenin and Marx! Assassin!

Assassin: Yes Comrade Stalin.

Stalin: Kill these two ghosts!

Assassin: But . . . they’re already dead!

Stalin: I don’t care if they’re . . . OK, you make a good point. Alright my dead friends. What do you want?

Lenin: We want you to know you destroyed my revolution! Russia should be run by the “dictatorship of the proletariat,” not an actual totalitarian dictator. Stalin: Let me explain this simply. First, I don’t care. Second, why aren’t you two zombies? Zombies are way cooler than ghosts. And lastly, you died—I took over. It’s pretty simple. You messed with Marx’s ideas, and I messed with yours. So, if you think about it Lenin, you’re worse than me.

Marx: Hey! He’s right! I knew this was your fault all along Vlady.

Lenin: Oh, blah blah blah, here we go again.

The two dead communist leaders continue to bicker as Stalin turns to his assassin.

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Stalin: Assassin! Contact my research team of evil, mad, Russian scientists. We need to discover a way to kill ghosts.

The assassin turns to the class to share a tender moment.

Assassin: And so we see that the Soviet Union turned out not to be the vision of proletariat bliss envisioned by the founders of communism, but rather a totalitarian state run by the iron-fisted Joseph Stalin. Stalin ruled the Soviet Union for over thirty years. In that time he would kill thousands, fight on both sides of World War Two, and establish a legacy of fear never to be forgotten by the people of Russia. If you did not enjoy this skit, I must kill you now.

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Stalin Skit Questions and Terms Name: ____________________________________ Date: _______

1. Why did Lenin feel he had to change Marx’s theories to fit conditions in Russia?

2. Why did Stalin want Leon Trotsky killed?

3. What was Stalin’s plan to improve Russia’s industry, transportation systems, heavy machinery, and increase farm output?

4. How did peasants respond to Stalin’s collective farming policy?

5. What does Dmitry point out to Stalin as a possible backlash from killing prominent people in Russia who could oppose Stalin?

6. What messages did Stalin send to the people of Russian through his propaganda campaign?

7. Who were the targets of Stalin’s war on religion?

8. Why do Marx and Lenin dislike Stalin so much?

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