NAME:_____________________________________________

ROLE:_____________________________________________

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ELF MUSICAL NUMBERS Act1

0.Overture………………………..……………………………………..……….…...31.HappyAllTheTime………..…….………..………………………..….…....31a.Let’sMakeToys………………………………………………………………….51b.NotHappyAllTheTime………………………………………...…………..61c.SitOnSanta’sLap………………….…………………………..……………….62.World’sGreatestDad………………………………………..…….…………..72a.WattaYaThinkItIs?...................................................…………93.InTheWay………………………………..…………………….……….…………103a.BuddyGoesToMacy’s…………………..………………….......…………124.Sparklejollytwinklejingley...........................................…..………154b.GoodnightJovie……………………..………………………………….……...174c.FakeSantaFight…………..……………………………….………………...…185.I’llBelieveInYou………………………………..……………..…………..…….195a.TheNextMorning..…………………………………….………………………216.InTheWay(Reprise)...…………………………………….…..………………216a.PhiBetaKappa…..….…………………………….…………….………………226b.BuddyAndWalter.…………..………………….……...…………..….……237.JustLikeHim…….......………………………...…………………………………237a.GreasySouvlaki….....………………...………………...…….………………257a2.BuddyClogs……....………...……………………………...…………………267aa.TheTintinnabulationOfBells...…………….….………………………267b.BigTreeMusic….......………………………...…...……………….…..……267c.RockefellerCenterSkating……………………………….………..………278.AChristmasSong…………………………………………….……………..……278a.BackToTheOffice...………………………………….……….………….…288b.World’sGreatestDad(Reprise)...……………….….……………..…30

ACT2

8c.Entr’acte………………………..……….………………….………………...…....318d.AfterEntr’acte…….………………….……....…………...…….………….…..319.NobodyCaresAboutSanta……….………….…….…………….……..……3210.NeverFallInLove(WithAnElf)...............................................3410a.Goodbye………………………………………..…………………….…………….3511.ThereisaSantaClaus……………………….……….…………….…………..3611a.IntotheAsparaguspatch……..………….…..……………...….…….…..3612.TheStoryofBuddy……………………………....…………....……….……….3812a.TheStoryofBuddy—Playoff………..….…………………..……....…..4012b.WeHavetoHelpSanta!..........................................................4113.NobodyCares(Santa’sReprise)................................................4113a.ThankYouSanta…………………………………….………………………….…4213b.SnowMusic……………………………………….…….…………………….......4414.AChristmasSong-Reprise………………………..……..…………….......4415.Finale-Part1…………………………………….....…….……..…………………4516.Bows………………………………....………………………….…….………………..4617.ExitMusic…………………………………..………………….…....………..….....46

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#0-Overture ACTONE:PRELUDE(TheOVERTUREendsandweseethelivingroomofasnowycottageattheNorthPole.Alargeinvitingeasychairandtelevisiondominatetheroom.SANTACLAUSisdiscoveredsittingintheeasychairbesideaTVtableonwhichthereisapitcherofeggnogandabowlofDoritos.Helooksslightlydisheveled.Hisjacketandbootsareoff;heiswearinghisredpants,at-shirt,andsuspenders.Hepicksuptheremoteandclicksit.)SANTA:Idon'tbelieveit.(Callingoffstage)Ithappenedagain! MRS.CLAUS:(rushingonstage)Whathappenedagain? SANTA:TheDVRthing.Itdidn'ttapethefootballgameIwasgoingtowatch. MRS.CLAUS:I’msorry,honey. SANTA:WhatdidIdowrong? MRS.CLAUS:Idon'tknow,dear. SANTA:Imean,IcanflyaroundtheworldinonenightbutIcan'tsettheDVR!What'swrongwithme? MRS.CLAUS:Nothing’swrongwithyoudear.It’sthesenewfangledgadgetsthatarejustsocomplex.Butmaybeit’sforthebest.They’llbehereatsix.(SheturnsofftheTVandexits.) SANTA:(totheaudience)In-laws.TheycomeeveryyearonChristmasday.Ifinishmyrounds,juststarttounwindthenthedoorburstsopenandthekidsrunin,startdancingwiththeelvesandtheelvesgetintotheeggnogandstartridingthereindeer.Nowdon'tgetmewrong;I'mabigfanofChristmas.It'sjust,well,Ireallywantedtowatchthatfootballgame.WhatamIcomplainingabout?It'sChristmas!Let'sreadaChristmasstory!(hepicksupalargebook)Ah.here'sone!Thestoryof"BuddyTheElf"- #1-HappyAlltheTime SANTA:-Well,hethoughthewasanelf-we'llgettothatpart.Oh!Youknowwhat?BeforewestartI'mgoingtoturnoffmycellphone.It'sprettyirritatingwhenoneofthesethingsgoesoffinthemiddleofastory.Gonnaunwrapmycandiesnowtoo.Okay.itbeginsonceuponatime,inalittlevillagehereattheNorthPolecalledChristmasTown.Now,thistownisuniquefortworeasons:One,thereisNOStarbucks;andtwo,everyonewholiveshereisanelf. ACTONE:SCENE1 SANTA:CHRISTMASELVESENJOYTHEMSELVESBYDONNINGGAYAPPARELORBYSINGINGSONGSINSANTA'SSHOP ELVES:FALALALALA SANTA:NOW,OFCOURSE,ILIKEITWHENTHEYSINGACHRISTMASCAROL ILIKEITEVENBETTERWHENTHEYSTOP.NIGHTANDDAYTHEYDANCEANDPLAY,THEYNEVERSLEEPMUCHEITHER. WOULDSOMEPEACEANDQUIETBEACRIME? OFCOURSE,ILOVEEACHONEOFTHEM,BUTSANTANEEDSABREATHER.BECAUSETHEY’REJUSTSOHAPPYALLTHETIME.THEY'REODDLY SANTA&ELVES:HAPPYALLTHETIME

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SANTA:UNGODLY SANTA&ELVES:HAPPYALLTHETIME SANTA:WHENTHEYSINGUNTILTHEY’REBLUISH,SANTAWISHESHEWEREJEWISH,CAUSETHEY’RE SANTA&ELVES:HAPPYALLTHETIME SANTA:ISWEARTHEY'RE SANTA&ELVES:HAPPYALLTHETIME SANTA:BIZARRELYHAPPYALLTHETIME (ELVESadlib:"HiSanta"WeloveyouSanta"etc.) POPSY:WE'VEBEENKNOWTOSMILESOWIDEYOUCANSEEEACHMOLAR! SANTA:SOMETIMESTHEYPREFERTOSPEAKINRHYME BUBBLES:IT'SSUBLIME! CHEERY:WE'VEONLYBEENTOONEPOLE! SANTA:BUTTHEYSTILLMIGHTBEBIPOLAR ELVES:BECAUSEWE'RECRAZYHAPPYALLTHETIME IT'SSTRANGEWE'REHAPPYALLTHETIME,BALL-CHANGE!WE'REHAPPYALLTHETIME SANTA:ANDEVERYSINGLEELFTHATHASHANDS,HASTOTURNTHEMINTOJAZZHANDS ELVES:CAUSEWEREHAPPYALLTHETIME,IT'SCLEARWE'REWEREHAPPYALLTHETIME SANTA:THEY'REJUSTSOHAPPY ELVES:ALLTHETIME SANTA:BUTTHERE'SANELFCALLEDBUDDYWHOMAKESTHEMLOOKAPATHETIC ELVES:IFHEWEREANYSWEETER,WEMIGHTENDUPDIABETIC SANTA:HE'SEVERYBODY’SBUDDYBUTHE'LLLEAVEYOUREARDRUMSRINGING SANTA&ELVES:CAUSEEVERYWHEREHEGOESHEHASTOTELLTHEWORLDHE'SSINGING (BUDDYburstscheerfullyonupstagecenterandrunsdowntojoinSANTAandtheassembledELVES) BUDDY:I'MSINGING! ELVES:BUDDY! IT’SALMOSTCHRISTMASANDI’M SINGING! ELVES:FALALALALA ANDILOVESANTASOI’M SINGING! ELVES:SINGING! BUDDY:Santa! SANTA:YouknowBuddythatjustcutsthroughmybrainlikeaknife. BUDDY:I’msorry!(hugshimhard)CanIgiveyouahug? SANTA:Youaskfirstandthenhug.Remember? BUDDY:Sorry SANTA:Just…(gesturesforhimtostepaway)...personalspace.Takeabreath. BUDDY:(takesabreath)CanIsingnow? SANTA:Sure. BUDDY:(LoudlyintoSANTA’sface)YOUKNOWI’MHAPPYALLTHETIME HELLO?I’MHAPPYALLTHETIME ANDCHRISTMASTOWNISHEAVEN,SOHELLOFROMCLOUDELEVEN,I’MSO ALL:HAPPYALLTHETIME BUDDY:GUNGHOAND ALL:HAPPYALLTHETIME SANTA:HE’SFREAKYHAPPY ALL:ALLTHETIME

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BUDDY:MYLIPSAREHAPPY,MYTHUMBSAREHAPPY,MYHIPSAREHAPPY,MYGUMSAREHAPPY, MYCRANIUMANDMYSPLEENAREHAPPY,ANDEVERYTHINGINBETWEENISHAPPY, I’MHAPPYDOWNTOTHEFOODIEAT,LIKEAPENGUINI’VE,GOTHAPPYFEET (BUDDYstartstodance.TheToyFactorywhistlesgoesoff,signalingthestartoftheworkday.) SANTA:Buddy.Enoughwiththedancing.You’vegottoystomake.Charlie,dosomething. CHARLIE:We’reinthehomestretchpeople!Thebigdayisonlytwoweeksaway!Let’spickupthepace! BUDDY:Yay!Timetogotowork!Yay!DIDIMENTIONI’M ELVES:HAPPYALLTHETIME BUDDY:ILIKEATTENTION! ELVES:HE’SHAPPYALLTHETIME BUDDY:MAKINGTOYSISSOFANTASTICTHATISHAKEUNTILI’MSPASTIC ELVES:TRUEHE’S ALL:HAPPYALLTHETIME BUDDY:WHOKNEW?I’M ALL:HAPPYALLTHETIME!HE’SUNNATURALLYHAPPYALLTHETIME (Underthelastnote)) BUDDY:HAPPYHAPPYHAPPYHAPPYHAPPYHAPPYETC. ALL:HAPPYALLTHETIME! ACTONE:SCENE2 (BUDDYandtheotherelvesareatSanta’sWorkshop,anassemblylineonwhichtheelvesmakeallofSanta’stoys.) #1a-Let’sMakeToys! (Thehandsofalargeclockmovetoindicatethepassageoftime-it’ssoonlaterintheday.BUDDYismakingEtch-A-Sketchesclumsily.Piecesflyfromhistable.CHARLIEwalksacrosstheline.) CHARLIE:Howyoudoing,Buddy? BUDDY:um,fineCharlie,but...IguessI'mgoingtobealittleshortontoday’squota. CHARLIE:that’sallrightBuddy.Justtellme,howmanyEtch-A-Sketchesdidyougetfinished? (BUDDYembarrassed,fightsbacktears) CHARLIE:C’monBuddy!Howmany? BUDDY:Imadeum,eighty-five! (MUSICoutasallELVESgaspandstareatBuddy.) CHARLIE:(snapsopenhisworkschedulescroll)Eighty-five?It’s10amandyouonlymadeeighty-five? BUDDY:Whydon’tyoujustsayit?I’mtheworsttoymakerintheworld.I’maCotton-Headed-Ninny-Muggins. CHARLIE:You’renotaCotton-Headed-Ninny-Muggins.Youhavelotsoftalents,uh,specialtalents...infact,likeuh,(totheothers)…specialtalents? CHEERY:You’rethebestbasketballplayerinthewholeNorthPole! POPSY:EvenbetterthanSanta! BUBBLES:Andyou’retheonlybaritoneintheJinglesingers!Youbringusdownawholeoctave. TRINKET:Inagoodway! CHEERY:Andyoucangetthingsonthetopshelffasterthananyofus!

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CHARLIE:SeeBuddy?You’renotaCotton-Headed-Ninny-Muggins.You’rejust...special. ELVES:Yay,special!You’rethebest!Sospecial!etc CHARLIE:Hey,theseelvesaregettingprettythirsty.Wouldyouminddoingaroundwiththecocoacart? BUDDY:Yay!Cocoacart!Cocoacart! (BUDDYleaves.CHARLIEmotionsTIARAtojoinhim) CHARLIE:Hey,Tiara? TIARA:YesCharlie? CHARLIE:Ihatetodothistoyou,butcouldyoupickuptheslackonthoseEtch-A-Sketches? (BUDDYreturnsimmediatelywiththecocoacart.HelistensunnoticedbyCHARLIEandTIARA) TIARA:Noproblem! CHARLIE:Iappreciateit.Buddy’skillingme TIARA:Hey,thatwasquickthinkingwiththe‘specialtalents’thing. CHARLIE:Ifeelbadforthebigguy.Ihopehedoesn’tgetwise. TIARA:Wellifhehasn’tfiguredoutbynowthathe’shumanIdon’tthinkheeverwill. BUDDY:Human?!?I’mhuman? CHARLIE:Ohno.(toanotherelf)GetSanta! BUDDY:YousaidI’mhuman! CHARLIE:No.No. TIARA:No,notyouBuddy.WeweretalkingaboutsomeotherBuddy.SomeBuddy...else BUDDY:(notbelievingthem)Noyouweren’t!I’mnothappy! (BUDDYexits.TIARAandCHARLIEareleftaloneonstage) CHARLIE:Waytogo,Tiara.Youbrokehisheart. TIARA:What,youthinkImeanttodothat? CHARLIE:Wellitiskindofahobbyofyours,isn’tit?(CHARLIEstormsoffstage,obviouslyupset.) TIARA:(followinghim)CharliedoNOTmakethisaboutus! ACTONE:SCENE3 (BUDDYrunsonstage.He’sclearlyupset.) #1b-NotHappyAllTheTime BUDDY:(singingsadly)MYLIPSAREN’THAPPY,MYTHUMBSAREN’THAPPY, MYHIPSAREN’THAPPY,MYGUMSAREN’THAPPY… (SANTAarrives,accompaniedbypanickyelves) SANTA:Buddy… BUDDY:Santa,isittruewhattheysaid?AmIhuman? SANTA:Goodquestion.(SANTAwalksBUDDYovertoachair)Here,comesitonSanta'slap.

#1c-SitonSanta’sLap SANTA:Ihavetotellyouastory.(reactingtoBUDDY’sweight)Oh!You’reabigboy.Now,onceuponatime,therewasayoungwoman,SusanWelles.Shehadababy,butpassedawaysoonafterhewasborn.ThatbabywasputintoanorphanageandoneChristmasnight,hecrawledintomytoysackandIbroughthimbackherebymistake.TheElvestookhiminandraisedhimasoneoftheirown.

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BUDDY:Really?Whereishe?IsitCharlie? SANTA:Buddy,it’syou!Thisisyourstory! BUDDY:I’mnotanelf;(BUDDYturnstolookattheELVES) TRINKET:No….. BUDDY:I’mhuman!? POPSY:Uhhuh… BUDDY:AndI’manorphan.JustlikeAnnie! SANTA:Notexactly.Youhaveahumanfatherbutheneverknewyouwereborn.Helivesinafar-awaylandcalledNewYorkCity.(SANTAtakesoutaNewYorkCitysnowglobeandhandsittoBUDDY)Andheworks…(pointstotheglobe)Rightthere,intheEmpireStateBuilding. BUDDY:Inthere?Hemustbeteeny-tiny! SANTA:Trustme,it’sactuallyaverytallbuilding.(BUDDYtriestogivetheglobeback)Keepit.Agiftfromme. BUDDY:ThankyouSanta!(BUDDYhugsSANTAstrongly) ELVES:Awwwwwwwwwww! (SANTAturnstogatheredelves) SANTA:Allright,breakitup.Nothingtoseehere.Backtowork.(TheELVESquicklyexit) BUDDY:Santa,what’smydadlike? SANTA:Oh.Well,he’saverysuccessfulman.Anexecutive.Hepublisheschildren’sbooks. BUDDY:Oh! SANTA:ButIshouldtellyou,he,uh…...well,he’sontheNaughtyList. BUDDY:NO!Whatdidhedo?Didhewetthebed? SANTA:No,hedidn’twetthe-look,hejustdoesn’tbelieveinmeanymore. BUDDY:Doesn’tbelieveinyou?Isheinsane? SANTA:No,likealotofhumanbeingsthesedays,he’sjustlosttheChristmasSpirit BUDDY:ButChristmasSpiritiswhatmakesyoursleighfly! SANTA:Iknow.It’sbecomingaproblem.(SANTAlooksintothesnowglobe)Buddy,it’stimeyouwenttheretomeethim.I’mgoingtomissyou,that’sforsure,butyou’relikeabird;abighairybirdandit’stimeforyoutoleavethenest. BUDDY:ButIdon’twanttogotoNewYork.I’mscared. SANTA:There’snothingtobescaredof.NewYorkisagreatplace.Butthere’sonethingyoushouldknow.Andit’sveryimportant. BUDDY:What? SANTA:There’slikesevenRay’sPizzasandtheyallsaythey’retheoriginal,buttherealoneisonSixthAvenueandEleventhStreet. BUDDY:Okay.WhichdirectionisNewYork? (SANTAwalksBUDDYupstagetoaniceberg.) SANTA:It’ssouth.We’reattheNorthPole,Buddy;everything’sSouth.Justheadsouthuntilyoufindyourselfinabigsmellyindustrialwasteland. BUDDY:Andthat’sNewYork? SANTA:No,that’sNewJersey.ThenyougothroughtheLincolnTunnelandyou’rethere.BUDDY:OkaySanta.I’llmissyou!(HugsSANTAagain) #2-World’sGreatestDad SANTA:Youtoo.Bye,Buddy!Takecare! BUDDY:ByeSanta!Oh!What’smydad’sname?

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SANTA:Hobbs.WalterHobbs. BUDDY:Hobbs?ThenImustbeBuddyHobbs!(uncertain)Yay! ACTONE:SCENE4 (BUDDYgetsreadytoleave.) BUDDY:ADADWHOSAMILLIONMILESAWAY;WHENHEMEETSMEWHOKNOWSWHATHE’LLSEE BUTDEEPDOWNIKNOWISHOULDN’TBEAFRAID,‘CAUSEHE’SBOUNDTOBEALOTLIKEME! ANDWE’LLMAKEANGELSINTHESNOW,TILLTHESNOW,BEGINSTOBLOW THENWE’LLRUNINSIDEANDSTARTATICKLEFIGHT. ANDIFIT’STOOCOLDTOSLED,WE’LLEATGINGERBREADINSTEADANDTHENCUDDLETILLHETUCKSMEINATNIGHT! ANDWE’LLGETOURPICTURESTAKEN,FORTHECHRISTMASCARDWE’REMAKIN’ HIMANDMEINSUITSOFMATCHINGPLAID,ANDWHENPEOPLESEEUSWALKING,THEY’LLBEGOOGLE-EYEDANDGAWKINGATBUDDYANDTHEWORLD’SGREATESTDAD! (NowasBUDDYsings,wefirsthavetheillusionthatheistravelingonice,andthenwalkinginaforestfilledwithgiantcandycanes,thenwalkingalongthetopofamountain,thenalongasuburbanhighway,thenthroughtheLincolnTunnel.AndallthewhileBUDDYcontinuestosing.) WE’LLSPENDMORNINGSHOLDINGHANDS,HOLDINGHANDSANDMAKINGPLANS, ONWHETHERTOPLAYJACKSORKICKTHECAN.THENFORLUNCHAGINGERSNAP,THENANAPTOFILLTHEGAPBETWEENBUILDINGFORTSANDPLAYINGSUPERMAN! ANDIFHISBACKGIVESHIMASPASM,WELLEVERYGOODDADHAS‘EM, I’LLBRINGHIMCOCOAANDAHEATINGPAD.IT’SASCENEINSIDEASNOWGLOBE;IT’SAVERYAPROPOSGLOBE. JUSTBUDDYANDTHEWORLD'SGREATESTDAD! (BUDDYhasnowarrivedinafull-scalemidtownManhattansetwiththeEmpireStatebuildingloomingupstageinthedistancethesetisbustlingwithNewYorkstreetcharacters.Hetakesouthissnowglobeandcomparesittothebuildingsaroundhim.) BUDDY:I’mhere!I’mgoingtomeetmydad! (TRINAtrailstohailacab.) TRINA:Taxi!Taxi! (BUDDYwavesather.Ajoggerpasseshiminaredsuit.BUDDYmistakeshimforSANTA) BUDDY:Santa!Santa!Oh,notSanta.Sorry. FLYERGIRLS:Checkitout!Checkitout! (BUDDYgatherstheflyers.Hespotsasouvlakicart) BUDDY:(readingthesign)Worldsbestsouvlaki!Congrats!(handinghimaflyer)andcheckitout! WE’LLSHAREAWHOLEFRUITCAKESLICEBYSLICE,MAKINGSURENOTONESINGLECRUMBDROPS. BUSINESSMAN:Getouttahere,freak. BUDDY:ANDIFIWERETOSAY,“I’MINACHRISTMASPLAY”HEWOULDN’TMISSITFORAMILLIONGUMDROPS! WHENIFALLANDSCRAPEMYKNEE,HE’LLKISSTHATKNEEFORMEANDMAKETHATBOOBOOBETTERINAJIFF!

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(PASSERBYsneezes)ANDIFISHOULDGETACOLD,ORALLERGIESFROMMOLD HE’LLGAZOONTITEMEWITHHISOWNHANDKERCHIEF! ANDIFEVERTHINGSSEEMGLOOMFULI’LLKNOWTHATTHERE’SAROOMFULOFHUGSANDJOKESTOMAKEITSEEMLESSBADICAN’THIDEMYADMIRATIONFORTHATPERFECTCOMBINATIONOFBUDDYANDTHEWORLD’SGREATESTDAD! ANDI’MGONNATRYMYBESTTOBE,EVERYTHINGYOU’DEXPECTOFME ANDIPROMISETHATIWON’TSTOPUNTILI’MDONE,SOSOMEDAYYOUCANSAYI’MTHEWORLD’SGREATESTSON!

#2a-WhattaYaThinkThatIs?

(BUDDYstopsateenagerinthecrowd)BUDDY:I’mlostcanyoutellmehowtogettotheEmpireStateBuilding? TANNER:Whattayathinkthatis? BUDDY:Wow!Santawasright;it’smuchbiggerthanIthoughtitwas!That’swheremydadworks!Dad!!!!! ACTONE:SCENE5 (TheGreenwayPressofficesonanupperflooroftheEmpireStateBuilding.Laterthesameday,Asigninthereceptionarea,stageright,indicatesthatweareintheofficeofGreenwayPress,“Children’sBooksYourChildCanTrust”Asecretary,DEB,isseatedatareceptiondesk.ThereisalargeofficeareawithEMPLOYEESworkingincubicles.Stagecenterthere’sadoortoaprivateofficethatopensasthescenebegins.WALTERHOBBSappearsinthedoor,hehasachildren’sbookinhandandasheafofpapers.) SAM:Wegotaproblem,Mr.Hobbs.“JinglesTheJollyChristmasPuppy”istankingupineverybookstoreinthecountry. WALTER:Why? SAM:Becausetwowholepagesaremissingfromthelastchapter. WALTER:What? SAM:Withoutthem,theendofthebookmakesnosense! WALTER:Howdidthishappen? SAM:Idon’tknow,butyouyourselfokayedthefinalproofs.We’llhavetorecallallcopiesandreprint. WALTER:No,wewon’tdothat.Kidsdon’treadthebookanyway.Theyjustlookatthepictures.Norecall! SAM:Youreallywanttodothat? WALTER:No,IwanttogotoGreenwayandsaywe’retakingafiftythousanddollarbathsosomestupidfive-year-oldcanfindoutwhathappenedtoJinglesthefriggin’PuppyonChristmasEve! SAM:But…? WALTER:Butnothing! SAM:Whateveryousay,boss. WALTER:DEB! DEB:Yes,Mr.Hobbs?

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WALTER:Coffee!NOW! DEB:Rightawaysir! (EMILYandMICHAELenter) EMILY:Hello,darling! MICHAEL:Hi,Dad! EMILY:Readytogo? WALTER:Gowhere? EMILY:Idon’tbelieveit.Christmasshopping,remember? WALTER:Emily,youalwaysdothistome. EMILY:Weplannedthisweeksago!Itookthedayoff… WALTER:Well,Ican’t.I’mswamped.Thisisthebusiesttimeoftheyear! MICHAEL:Dad,it’swelldocumentedthatchildrenofworkaholicsarepronetoself-esteemissues. (WALTERstaresatEMILYbaffled) EMILY:WhatcanIsay?ThekidlikesNPR.ComeonWalter,let’sgo. WALTER:Emily,Ijustcan’t.Todayisimpossible,isn’tit,Deb? #3-IntheWay (Duringthefollowingscene,variousotherOFFICEWORKERScomeoutoftheircubicleswithpapersinhandtospeaktotheirboss.THEYendupjoininginthesong.) DEB:Oh,yes,Mr.Hobbs,youhaveaverybusyday.(readingfromaclipboard) ONEP.M.MEETINGWITHTHESTAFF,LECTURETHEMONTHEBOARD’SBEHALF ANDCONDEMNGIVINGWORKERSCARTEBLANCHE. WALTER:(ToEMILYandMICHAEL)MYJOBHASSOMANYFACETS DEB:ONEFIFTEENCUTOURPENSIONSIZE,RECONVENEWITHTHEUNIONGUYS. INBETWEENCLOSEOURDELAWAREBRANCH. WALTER:ANDLIQUIDIZEOURASSETS DEB:CHOSEADATEFORTHEMEETINGWITHGLOBALFREIGHT WALTER:TRYTHETWENTY-FIFTH EMILY:WALTER,WAIT! ALL:NOONEWORKSONTHATDAY WALTER:See?CHRISTMASALWAYSGETSINTHEWAY! MICHAEL:You’vegotitbackwards! EMILY:He’sright!It’syouwhoaregettinginthewayofChristmas,Walter. DEB:Honestly,Mrs.Hobbs,it’soutofhishands. HALFPASTTWOLEGALWANTSACHAT.WHENYOU’RETHROUGH, LECTUREOVERATN.Y.U.ONOUTBIDDINGTAIWAN WALTER:(ToEMILYandMICHAEL) WELL,IT’SMYALMAMATER DEB:INTHECAR,MEETNEWSALESDEMANDS;AUREVOIRTOYOURDINNERPLANS. TELLH.R.THEY’LLBEWORKINGUNTILDAWN. WALTER:ORELSETHEY’REINHOTWATER EMPLOYEES:EMPLOYEESUNDERMR.HOBBSLEARNTOPLEASEJUSTTOKEEPTHEIRJOBS. YOUKNOWHE’SMORECONTENTWHENWESAY WALTER:Alltogethernow! ALL:CHRISTMASALWAYSGETSINTHEWAY EMILY:Walter,it’sfivedaysawayandwedon’tevenhaveatree. WALTER:WHAT’STHEBIGBROUHAHAOVER“FALALALA?”IT’SACHILDISHORDEAL.

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IMEAN,FLYINGREINDEER?LET’SGETREAL.OLDSANTA’SSLEIGHJUSTMEANSMOREBILLSTOPAYSOIGOTTAWORKORFEELTHESQUEEZE. MONEYDOESN’TGROWONCHRISTMASTREES. EMILY:Givemethatcalendar!Ifnottoday,howabouttomorrow?Let’ssee… HALFPASTONE,BUYATREETOTRIM.HE’SYOURSON WALTER:IREMEMBERHIM EMILY:DON’TMAKEFUN,THERE’STOOMUCHTODISCUSS. WALTER:MYBUDGETNEEDSREWRITING. EMILY:TWOO’CLOCK,SKATINGINTHEPARK,THENAWALKUNTILAFTERDARK. HERE’SASHOCK;SPENDANEVENINGWITHUS. MICHAEL:YAY,MOM,ANDDADAREFIGHTING. WALTER:HAVENODOUBT,IT’STHATTIMEOFYEAR.THINKABOUTHOWI’MBURIEDHERE.(ToOTHERS)HELPMEOUT. EMPLOYEES:IT’SALLWORKANDNOPLAY WALTERANDEMPLOYEES:CAUSECHRISTMASCHRISTMASCHRISTMASCHRISTMAS WALTER:Whatdoesitalwaysget?ALL:INTHEWAY! WALTER:Allright,everyonebacktowork!(AllEMPLOYEESgobacktotheircubiclesasDEBreturnstoherreceptiondesk.) EMILY:Walter,Ijustdon’tthinkwecantakenoforananswer. WALTER:Couldwepleasecontinuethisdelightfulconversationinmyoffice?Awayfromthestaff? (MICHAEL,EMILYANDWALTERdisappearintoWALTER’soffice.BUDDYentersthereceptionareaandgoesuptoDEB.) BUDDY:Excuseme?I’mheretoseeaWalterHobbs.I’mBuddytheElf. DEB:BuddytheElf?Oh,whatariot!Youlookhilarious!Whosentyou? BUDDY:Santa. DEB:Santa? BUDDY:Uh-huh,fromtheNorthPole. DEB:FromtheNorthPole? BUDDY:Yes. DEB:I’msureMr.Hobbswillbedelightedtomeetyou,buthe’sinameetingrightnow.Wouldyoumindwaitingforafewminutes?Sit.Stayhere. BUDDY:Sure.(BUDDYsits.) DEB:CanIgetyouanything?Acoffee? BUDDY:Chocolatemilkwouldbefantastic… DEB:Oh…uh... (WALTER,EMILY,andMICHAELburstoutofWALTER’soffice) BUDDY:Dad! WALTER:Whointheheckareyou? (DEBrushesover) DEB:Oh,isn’tthisascream?LookslikesomeonesentyouaChristmasGram,Mr.Hobbs. WALTER:What? DEB:MeetBuddytheElf. WALTER:(playingalong)So...IguessyoucamefromtheNorthPole. BUDDY:Yes!That’sexactlywhereIcamefrom! WALTER:So,goon.

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BUDDY:Goonwithwhat? WALTER:Aren’tyougoingtosingasongorsomething?Orcanwealljustgetbacktowork? BUDDY:Asong?Uh,yeah.AnythingforyouDad,uh,I,uh…(stammering,singingoff-pitch)I’mherewithmyDadandwehavenevermet,and,um,Iwasadoptedbutyoudidn’tknowIwasborn,soI’mherenow...Ifoundyou...Daddy.Andguesswhat?Iloveyou,Iloveyou,Iloveyou! WALTER:(whispertoDEB)Callsecurity. (Debpicksupaphoneandwhispersintoit.) BUDDY:It’sme,yourson.SusanWelleshadmeandshedidn’ttellyou,butI’mhere,it’sme,Buddy. WALTER:SusanWelles?Didyousay,SusanWelles? EMILY:Isn’tshethegirlyouwentwithincollege? WALTER:Susanpassedawayyearsago.Ifthisissupposedtobefunny,it’snot! EMILY:Hesaidhe’syourson.Deb,whosentthisChristmasGram? DEB:Idon’tknow,Mrs.Hobbs.Hecamewithoutagiftcard. BUDDY:Mrs.Hobbs?AreyoumarriedtomyDad? EMILY:I’mmarriedtoMr.Hobbs. BUDDY:Thenyou’remystep-mommy!Wouldyoulikeahug? EMILY:(stepsback)No,thanks! MICHAEL:(toEMILY)Wait.He’smybrother? EMILY:Shh.No,ofcoursenot. WALTER:Listen,Buddy,somenicemenaregoingtotakeyouawayfromhere. BUDDY:ButIwanttostaywithyou,Dad.Hey!Look!We’reaboutthesameheight! (EMILYscrutinizesthem) EMILY:Youkindofare! WALTER:Oh,comeon!Debistalltoo.Doesthatmakehermydaughter? DEB:Actually,I’monly5’3”.Iwearheelstolooktaller. (EMILYyanksastrandofBUDDY’Shair.) BUDDY:Ouch,Mom!Youpulledmyhair. EMILY:Idid?Oh,sorry.(ShetakesanenvelopefromDEB’Sdeskandcarefullyplacesthehairinside.Sheputstheenvelopeinherpurse.) (TwoSECURITYGUARDSenter) SECURITYGUARDSAL:Yougotaproblem,Mr.Hobbs? WALTER:Yes!Getthiselfoutofhere! SECURITYGUARDSHERMAN:Willdo,sir.Let’sgo,buddy. BUDDY:That’sme! SECURITYGUARDSAL:Wheredoyouwantustotakehim? WALTER:Idon’tknow.TakehimtotheNorthPole. #3a-BuddyGoestoMacy’s SECURITYGUARDSAL:Surething.(toSHERMAN)TheNorthPole? SECURITYGUARDSHERMAN:Noproblem.TheygotoneatMacy’s.(Theydraghimout.) BUDDY:IjustcamefromtheNorthPole.Iwalked.It’s3,408miles.Itookthetunnel,butifyoutaketheGeorgeWashingtonBridgeit’samileshorter. ACTONE:SCENE6 (ASALESWOMANgreetspeopleastheypass)

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SALESWOMANSANDRA:WelcometoMacy’s!Howareyoutoday? CUSTOMER#1:Fine. SALESWOMANSANDRA:That’sfabulous!JunglePassionFruitSpray? CUSTOMER#1:Nothankyou. SALESWOMANSANDRA:Noproblem!WelcometoMacy’s!JunglePassionFruitSpray? CUSTOMER#2:No.Leavemealone. SALESWOMANSANDRA:That’sfabulous! (ThetwoSECURITYGUARDSescortBUDDYintoMACY’S.) SECURITYGUARDSAL:Hereyougo.TheNorthPole’srightinthere. BUDDY:There’sanotherone? SECURITYGUARDSHERMAN:Havefun. (SALESWOMANSANDRAseesBUDDYandimmediatelyaccostshimwithpracticedenthusiasm.) SALESWOMANSANDRA:WelcometoMacy’s!Howareyoutoday? BUDDY:I’mgreat!IjustmetmyhumanDad! SALESWOMAN:That’sfabulous!Areyouanout-of-statevisitor? BUDDY:Yes!I’mfromChristmasTown! SALESWOMAN:Thenbesuretostopatourvisitor’sservicesdepartmenttopickupyourdiscountcard. BUDDY:Oh,Iwon’tbebuyinganything.Ionlyhavechocolatemoney.AndmostofitmeltedwhenI… SALESWOMAN:That’sfabulous!(holdingupaperfumespraybottle)JunglePassionfruitspray? BUDDY:Fruitspray?Sure. (BUDDYtakesthebottlefromherandspraysitintohismouth.HEinstantlygoesintoachild-likefit,loudlywhiningandwipingitoffhistongue.SALESWOMANSANDRAtakesthebottleawayfromhim,givesalook,andhurriesoff.ThetoydepartmentMANAGERcomesuptoBUDDY.) MANAGER:Hey,you!Getbacktowork!WhatsectiondidIassignyouto? BUDDY:Idon’tknow. MANAGER:Youdon’tknow?Allright,youworkrightoverhere,theNorthPole. (Macy’stoydepartment.MinimallydecoratedforChristmas,withalargesignsaying,“TheNorthPole.”Alarge,sparselydecoratedChristmastreestandsnearby.CUSTOMERS,includinganumberofchildrenwithparents,andalloftheMACY’SEMPLOYEESareonstageasthescenebegins.ChristmasMUSICandringingbellsunder.) BUDDY:That’snottheNorthPole. MANAGER:Yes,itis. BUDDY:No,it’snot. MANAGER:Yes,itis. BUDDY:No,it’snot. MANAGER:Yes,itis. BUDDY:No,itisn’t. MANAGER:Yes,itis. BUDDY:No,it’snot.Where’sthesnow?(BUDDYgrinshappilyandtheMANAGERscowls.) MANAGER:Whyyousmilin’likethat? BUDDY:Ijustliketosmile.Smiling’smyfavorite. MANAGER:Makeworkyourfavorite.That’syournewfavorite,OK?Workisyournewfavorite. BUDDY:Yay!Ilovetowork! MANAGER:Good. BUDDY:Nothingmakesthebigguyhappierthantoseeallhislittlepeopleworkinghard.

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MANAGER:Waitaminute.Thebigguy? BUDDY:Yeah. MANAGER:Thebigguyfromupnorth? BUDDY:That’stheone. MANAGER:Didhesendyoudownhere? BUDDY:Hesuredid. MANAGER:Corporate!Alwayscheckinguponme.Okay.Fine.We’llworktogether,meandyou,begoodpals,okay? BUDDY:Okay! MANAGER:Okay.Now,Ihavetomakealittleannouncement,ifthat’sallrightwithyou. BUDDY:Ofcourse! MANAGER:Thanks.(Intoawalkie-talkiethatprojectshisvoiceloudlytoALL)AttentionMacy’sshoppers!We’llbeclosinginfiveminutes,buttomorrowmornin’,tena.m.,SantaClausiscomin’totown! BUDDY:Santa!!Oh,mygosh!Santahere?Iknowhim!Iknowhim! MANAGER:He’llbeheretotakepictureswithallthechildren.Tena.m.tomorrow. BUDDY:Tena.m.tomorrow? MANAGER:SantaClausiscomin’totown! BUDDY:SantaClausiscomin’totown! MANAGER:You.Ifyoudon’tmind,couldyougohelpthatgirlovertheredecoratethattree? BUDDY:Yay!SantaalwayslikesitwhenIhelpdecoratethetreeattheNorthPole!(seeingJOVIEforthefirsttime)Oh!She’sbeautiful! MANAGER:Yeah,buttrytalkin’toher,she’snuts. BUDDY:Sheis?Ilovenuts!(TheMANAGERexits,shakinghisheadasBUDDYwalksovertotheChristmastree,whereJOVIEhasbeenworking.)Hi!I’mBuddytheElf,andwe’regoingtohavefuntogether. JOVIE:(turningtofacetheaudience)I’mJovietheelfandIseriouslydoubtit. BUDDY:You’reverypretty.Likeaglitteryangel.I’dliketostickyouontopofthetree! JOVIE:Classy.Youknowwhat?I’mnotaChristmasperson,sodialdowntheelf-speak,okay? BUDDY:Uh-oh.SoundslikesomeoneneedstosingaChristmasCarol!Don’tyouknowthebestwaytospreadChristmascheerisbysingingloudforalltohear? JOVIE:Idon’tsing. BUDDY:Oh,comeon!It’sfun!I’MSINGING!I’MINASTOREANDI’MSINGING!I’MINASTORE,TALKINGTOAPRETTYGIRLANDI’MSINGING! JOVIE:Whatareyoudoing?! MANAGER:Hey!There’snosingingattheNorthPole! BUDDY:Yes,thereis! MANAGER:No,thereisn’t. BUDDY:Thebigguylikesitwhenwesing. MANAGER:Hedoes? I’MSINGING!I’MINASTOREANDI’MSINGING-- (AsBUDDYcontinuestoassistJOVIEindecoratingthetree,theMANAGERbeckonsalloftheotherMACY’SEMPLOYEESovertohim.)Allright,listenup,everybody.LikeItoldya,youallgottastaylatetonighttogetthisplacedecoratedforChristmasrushtomorrow.(conspiratoriallyindicatingBUDDY)Listen,seethatelfoverthere?Thehomeofficesenthim;he’saprofessional.Sodowhateverhesays,OK?Evenifitmeansbein’here‘tilmidnight.

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STOREELF#1:Midnight?We’vegotlives,youknow! MANAGER:Ohyeah?Theywhyareyouherewearin’anelfsuit? (BUDDYlooksaroundinhorrorastheMACYEMPLOYEEShastilyandsloppilytossdecorationsaroundthetoydepartment.) BUDDY:Wait!Stop!Thisisn’ttherightwaytodecorateforChristmas!Don’tyoucarewhetherSantalikesitornot? STOREELF#2:Hey.Takeyourmedsandgettowork! BUDDY:DecoratingforSantaisn’twork,it’sfun!YoujusthavetogetintotheChristmasSpirit! MANAGER:Yeah,yeah,let’sseesomeChristmasSpirit! BUDDY:Wecandoit.(MUSICbeginsunder) #4-Sparklejollytwinklejingley BUDDY:Allofustogether! MANAGER:Allofustogether! (BUDDYbeginssingingandstartingtodecoratethetoydepartment.TheOTHERSjoininhelpinghimdecorateinorderbothnottobefiredandtogettheChristmasbonus.Asthenumberbuilds,ALLsing,danceandmiraculouslydecoratetheentirestage.TheMACY’SEMPLOYEES,theMANAGERandJOVIE,however,neverreallygetintothespiritofthesongandcynicallyperformitwithfalseenthusiasm.) BUDDY:THERE’SASAYINGWEHAVEUPNORTHTHATHELPSUSPUTOURBESTFOOTFORTH: IFYOUWANTTODECKTHEHALLSFORMR.C,MAKESURETHEYARESPARKLEJOLLYTWINKLEJINGLEY STOREELF#1:Whattheheck’sthats’posedtomean? MANAGER:Justmoreoftheusualhomeofficemumbojumbo. BUDDY:WHENAROOMISGLOOMY,ITSATMOSPHEREHASCALLEDITQUITS, THENYOUMUSTREMEMBERTHATDECEMBERISATIMEFORGLITZ. NEVERSTOPUNTILEACHLIMBONYOURCHRISTMASTREEISSPARKLEJOLLYTWINKLEJINGLEY! PICKUPEVERYORNAMENTTHAT’SSITTING,WAITINGONASHELF. WHILEYOU’REBUSYDECORATING,WHYNOTDECORATEYOURSELF? SOONYOU’LLBRINGASMILETOEVERYPERSONYOUSEE.(BUDDYputsagarlandaroundJOVIE.) JOVIE:(unsure)I’msparkle-twinkle-jolly-what? BUDDY:Closeenough!ANDIFYOU’REATALOSSREMEMBERTHEPHRASETHATSAYS:“TOTHINEOWNELFBETRUE.” MANAGER:TOTHINEOWNELFBETRUE! BUDDY:FORWHENITCOMESTOCHRISTMASDISPLAYS,LOOKINSIDEANDYOU’LLKNOWWHATTODO MANAGER:YOU’LLKNOWJUSTWHATTODO! BUDDYANDMANAGER:PUTSOMECHEERYFOLDEROLONEVERYWALLANDEVERYNOOK. TINSELUPEACHCORNERTILLIT’SCHRISTMASEVERYWHEREYOULOOK. GIVETHEWORLDAHOLIDAYTHAT’SBRIGHTASCANBE;MAKEITSPARKLEJOLLYTWINKLEJINGLEY! (DanceBreak,building,decoratingandfinallycomingtogetherwithabigsonganddance.) ALL:PUTSOMECHEERYFOLDEROLONEVERYWALLANDEVERYNOOK. TINSELUPEACHCORNERTILLIT’SCHRISTMASEVERYWHEREYOULOOK. GIVETHEWORLDAHOLIDAYTHAT’SBRIGHTASCANBE; MAKEITSPARKLEJOLLYTWINKLEJINGLE,SHINYSHOWYCHEERYJINGLE,

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RAZZLE-DAZZLE-RING-A-LINGLE MANAGER:ICAN’TLIE,ITMAKESMETINGLE! ALL:SPARKLEJOLLYTWINKLEJINGLEY! (Whenthenumbercomestoabigfinish,toapplause,theentiretoydepartmentandthebigChristmastreeisamazinglyandglitteringlydecorated.Abigbannerisstrungacrossthestage,saying,“WELCOME,SANTACLAUS!”ALLcelebrate,shakehands,exchangehigh-fiveswithBUDDY,whilesayingthingslikeadlib.,“Wow,wedidit!”,“Beautiful”,“Who’dhavethought?”,etc.) BUDDY:Yay!Wasn’tthatfun? MANGER:Youalldidoneheckuvagoodjob.Nicework.Youcangohomenow.Allofyou. (TheMACY’SEMPLOYEESallsay,adlib,“Allright,''“Yes!”etc.TheMANAGERandALLthenexitexceptforSTOREELF#1,STOREELF#2,BUDDY,andJOVIE.JOVIEisputtingonhercoat.) BUDDY:(staringatJOVIE)Gee,she’ssopretty. MANAGER:Well,whydon’tyouaskherout? BUDDY:Out? MANAGER:Onadate.Takehertodinner… BUDDY:Eatfoodwithher? MANAGER:Youknow.Showheragoodtime;dancewithher,takehertothemovies… BUDDY:(continuingthelist)...makeafort,andsnuggleunderthecovers,getouttheflashlights,eatfluffernutter… MANAGER:Whateverfloatsyourboat,Buddy.(MANAGERturnsawayandexits.) BUDDY:Idon’thaveaboat. STOREELF#2:GoodnightJovie. STOREELF#1:Night. JOVIE:Goodnight. (STOREELVES#1and#2exit,asJOVIE,startstoleave.) BUDDY:Hey,waitasecond.Wouldsomebodylikeahug? JOVIE:No.Wouldsomebodylikeapunchinthethroat? BUDDY:No. JOVIE:So,goodnight. BUDDY:Wait.Doyou...wannaeatfood? JOVIE:DoIwanttoeatfood? BUDDY:Um-hmm.Youknow… JOVIE:Areyouaskingmeoutonadate? BUDDY:You’reright,that’sit.Adate! JOVIE:Oh,youdon’twanttogooutwithme. BUDDY:Yes,Ido! JOVIE:No,youdon’t. BUDDY:Yes,Ido! JOVIE:Why? BUDDY:Well,becauseIlikeyou.IfeelreallywarmwhenI’maroundyou.And,um,mytongueswellsup. JOVIE:Yourtongueswellsup? BUDDY:(withaswollentongue)Yeah,itdoth.See? JOVIE:Well,it’sweirdlynicethatImakeyourtongueswellup,butIjustdon’tseethedatehappening.

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BUDDY:Ofcourse.I’msureyoualreadyhaveadatetonight.Obviously.Youprobablyhaveguyswantingtoeatfoodwithyouallthetime.Lunch,dinner...Ibetyouhaveadifferentguyforbreakfasteverymorning.Itwasdumbofmetoask. JOVIE:Whattheheck.I’mfreeonThursday. BUDDY:Thursday?Thursday!Yesssss!!ThisisgoingtobethebestThursdayeverinthehistoryofThursdays! JOVIE:Youknowwhat?Ifindifyouloweryourexpectationsinlife,youavoidalotofdisappointment.(Shestartstoleaveandnoticesheisn’tmoving.)Don’tyouhaveahometogoto? BUDDY:Sure.Ihaveahometogo.Anicehome,withabigbed.Andwallsandaceilingandeverything.I’mjustgoingtostayhereandputupalittlemoretinsel. JOVIE:Seriously?Okay,well.Goodnight. BUDDY:G’night,Jovie. #4b-Goodnight,Jovie (JOVIEexits.MUSICunderscoresasLIGHTSchangeandBUDDY,aloneonthestage,liesdown,coveredbyaChristmassy-lookingquilt.BUDDYsingshimselfalullaby.) BUDDY:ANDIFIT’STOOCOLDTOSLEDWE’LLEATGINGERBREADINSTEAD ANDTHENCUDDLETILLHETUCKSMEINATNIGHT. (BUDDYsnoresloudly.Fadetoblack.Lightscomeuponthefollowingmorning.BUDDYwakestoseetheMANAGERarrivingforwork,followedbyadepartmentstoreFAKESANTAFREDwhotakeshisplaceinSanta’sbigredchair.CHILDRENandPARENTSstreamintothetoydepartmentalongwiththeotherMACY’sEMPLOYEES,exceptforJOVIE.) MANAGER:Santa!Santa’shere!We’reopen!Sendinthekids!(AMOTHERleadshersongBILLYtotheFAKESANTA) FAKESANTAFRED:(inaNewYorkaccent)Ho,ho,ho!MerryChristmas!MerryChristmas! (BUDDYrushesovertoSANTA) BUDDY:Santa!Yea!Yea!It’sme,Buddy!It’sme! FAKESANTAFRED:Yo,Buddy,howyadoin’?(AMACY’sEMPLOYEEplacesBILLYonSanta’slap) BUDDY:It’sme!Whotheheckareyou? FAKESANTAFRED:Whaddayatalkin’about?I’mSantaClaus. BUDDY:No,you’renot. FAKESANTAFRED:Yes,Iam.Ho,ho,ho! BUDDY:No,you’renot. FAKESANTAFRED:(toBILLY)WhatcanIgetyouforChristmas,sonny? BUDDY:(whisperstoBILLY)Don’ttellhimwhatyouwant.He’saliar! FAKESANTAFRED:Letthekidtalk. BOY:IwantZombieApocalypseFour:DeathandDestruction. MOTHER:Youcan’thavethat.It’stooviolent. BILLY:(yellingatthemother)I’mnottalkingtoyou! BUDDY:(toFAKESANTA)Youdisgustme.Youdon’tsmelllikeSanta.Yousmelllikebeefandcheese. FAKESANTAFRED:Justcoolit,Zippy. BUDDY:Yousitonathroneoflies. FAKESANTAFRED:Look,I’mnotkiddin’.Getouttahere!(toBILLY)Youweresaying,kid? BILLY:IwantZombieApocalypseFour! MOTHER:It’sreprehensible.

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BILLY:(toMOTHER)You’rereprehensible! BUDDY:(toBILLY)Don’ttalktoyourmotherlikethat.(toFAKESANTAFRED)You’reafake. FAKESANTAFRED:I’mafake?How’dyouliketobedead,huh? #4c-FakeSantaFight BUDDY:(pullingoffFAKESANTA’Sbeard)Look,he’snotreallySanta! FAKESANTAFRED:That’sit!ComehereyouslimylittleElf! BUDDY:He’safake!He’safake!!! (MUSICunderscoresastheCHILDRENandPARENTSallscreamandFAKESANTAFREDlungesatBUDDY,startingafightandrollingalloverthestage.BUDDYkeepsshouting,“He’safake!’) MOTHER:Help!Someone’sbeatingupSantaClaus! (TwoPOLICEMEN,VINNIEandDOUG,appear.TheywrestleBUDDYoffFAKESANTAFRED.) MANAGER:(toBUDDY)You’renotCorporate!You’recrazy!(toPOLICEMEN)Arrestthisnut.(toFAKESANTAFRED)Andyou!Getouttamystore!(grabbinghishatandbeard)I’mSantanow.(puttingontheSantaClausbeardandapproachingBILLY)Ho,Ho,Ho!(BILLYrunsoffscreaming.TheMANAGERfollowshim.)Wait!Santacan’trunthatfast! (ThePOLICEMENtakeBUDDYstageleft.) BUDDY:Heisn’tSanta!He’saliarandafake! POLICEMANVINNIE:Calmdown.Tellusyourname. BUDDY:BuddytheElf. POLICEMANDOUG:Yougotalastname,BuddytheElf. BUDDY:Yes!Ido!I’mBuddyHobbs.Doyouknowmydad,WalterHobbs? POLICEMANVINNIE:No,butwe’lllocatehimwhileyou’resittinginacellcoolingyourheels.(Leadinghimoff.) BUDDY:Thanks.Myheelsareincrediblysweaty.Howdidyouknow? ACTONE:SCENE7 (LightsuponMICHAELandEMILYinthelivingroomworkingonanelaboratescienceproject--alarge,weird-lookingcontraptionthat’ssupposedtobeamodelofaturbineelectricity-producingwindmachine.Thereisasmallelectricfanonthetable,alongwithmyriadpartsstrewnabout;anuprightlightbulbisattachedtothecontraption.MICHAELswitchesonthefanandthecontraptionmakesalotofclankingnoisebutobviouslydoesn’twork.) MICHAEL:Ahman,itstilldoesn’twork. EMILY:Maybeyou’vegotthesespinnythingsonbackwards. MICHAEL:Idon’tknow.Dadsaidhe’dhelpmebuthe’snotaround.Again.He’sbasicallynotadad. EMILY:Don’ttalklikethat.Yourfatherlovesyou.He’sacaringman,buthe--(Doorbellchimes)Holdthatthought.(EMILYopensthedoorandweseeBUDDYstandingbetweentwopolicemen) BUDDY:(armsoutstretchedtohugEMILY)Himom!I’mhome! EMILY:(steppingback)Excuseme? POLICEMANVINNIE:IsthistheWalterHobbsresidence? EMILY:Yes? POLICEMANDOUG:OurpalBuddyheresaysMr.Hobbsishisdad. EMILY:Yes,Officer,we’reawarethatBuddythinkshe’sMr.Hobbs’son,but… POLICEMANVINNIE:Good.Guesswecametotherightplace.(toPOLICEMANDOUG)Let’sgo.

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EMILY:Waitforasecond,youcan’tjustleavehimhere! POLICEMANDOUG:Hey,lady,haveaheart.It’salmostChristmasandhe’shomeless. EMILY:Well… POLICEMANDOUG:Okay,byeBuddy. BUDDY:(ashehugsthetwoPOLICEMEN)Bye,Vinnie.Bye,Doug!Thanksawholelot.AndMerryChristmas! POLICEMANVINNIE:MerryChristmas! POLICEMANDOUG:MerryChristmasBuddy! (ThetwoPOLICEMENexitwithawave.) BUDDY:Icanstayhere!Yay,Icanstayhere! EMILY:Well,yes,butjustfortonight.Thenyou’llhavetofindaplaceofyourown. BUDDY:ButIlikeithere.(noticesthecontraptiononthetable)Oh,wow,amodelofaturbinewindmachine! MICHAEL:Youknowwhatitis? BUDDY:Sure.I’vebuiltafewofthematSanta’sworkshop. MICHAEL:Afewofthem?Howmany? BUDDY:Onlyaboutseventhousand.Thisoneiskindaweirdlooking.You’dnevergetSantatookayit. EMILY:So,youknowSantaprettywell,doyou? BUDDY:Yes!Santa’s,like,mybestfriend! MICHAEL:Youstillbelieveinallthatflyingreindeerstuff? BUDDY:No!Ofcoursenot!Santahasn’tusedreindeerforyearsandyears.EversincehegotthatnastyletterfromPETA.NowadaysthesleighispoweredbyChristmasspiritalone.Whichisaproblembecauseofpeoplelikeyou.Imean,lookatthisplace;notinsel,notree—haveyouevenwrittenyourlettertoSantaClausyet? EMILY:Buddy,I’msorry,butI’mtoooldtowritetoSantaClaus. MICHAEL:Metoo.Waytooold.Anyhow…(indicatingthecontraption)I’mgonnaflunkifIcan’tgetthisstupidscienceprojectworking. BUDDY:Tellyouwhat;ifyougetintotheChristmasspiritandwritethatlettertoSantarightnow,I’llfixyourwindmachine. MICHAEL:Youwill?Well...okay,it’sadeal.Okay,Mom? BUDDY:Okay,Mom? EMILY:(shrugging)Okay.(BUDDYgoesupstagetothecontraptionandfiddleswithit.EMILYandMICHAELsitdowntogether.EMILYtakesoutapenandpaper.)So,howdowedothis? MICHAEL:You’reaskingyour10year-oldsonhowtowritealettertoSantaClaus?Whatdoesthatsayaboutthisfamily,Mom? EMILY:Okay,Dr.Drew.Settledown.Well,inthespiritofChristmas,whatdoyouwantforChristmas? #5-I’llBelieveinYou MICHAEL:Idon’tknow.IknowwhatIdon’twantforChristmas. IDON’TWANTACHECKTHAT’SMADEOUTTOCASHORACORPORATERE-GIFTFROMSOMESECRETSTASH. I’DLIKEADAYWITHMYDAD. EMILY:JUSTADAY? MICHAEL:MAKETHATTWO;IFYOUCANDOTHAT,SANTA,I’LLBELIEVEINYOU.

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EMILY:IDON’TWANTATRIPTOSOMEHIPSALON ORTRENDYPERFUMETHATI’LLNEVERPUTON I’DLIKETOFEELTHATHECARES. MICHAEL:EVENIFIT’SNOTTRUE MICHAEL&EMILY:IFYOUCANDOTHAT,SANTA,I’LLBELIEVEINYOU. EVENTHOUGHIT’SBEENYEARSSINCEYOU’VEHEARDFROMME, ITHOUGHTITWASWORTHASHOT. IFIT’STRUETHATYOU’REMAGIC,IGUARANTEEWECOULDUSEALLTHEMAGICYOU’VEGOT! MICHAEL:ICANGETYOUSOMECOOKIESIFTHAT’SWHATITTAKES.I’VEHEARDSTORIESANDIKNOWTHEDEAL. MICHAEL&EMILY:YOUJUSTSLIDEDOWNTHECHIMNEYANDFIXOURMISTAKES.NOWIFONLYITHOUGHTYOUWEREREAL. MICHAEL:IFYOUWEREREAL. EMILY:IGUESSTHAT’SOURLIST.OURLETTERISDONE. EMILY:ISITREALLYALISTIFITADDSUPTOONE? MICHAEL&EMILY:MAKEHIMPARTOFOURLIVES,NOTJUSTPASSINGTHROUGH. IFYOUCANDOTHAT,SANTA,I’LLBELIEVEINYOU. YES,IFYOUDOTHAT,SANTAI'LLBELIEVEINYOU. SOGOODLUCK,SANTA.HERE’SHOPINGYOUCOMETHROUGH. EMILY:SIGNED,EMILY MICHAEL:ANDMICHAEL,TOO. (Onthebuttonofthesong,BUDDYturnsontheelectricfanandthewindmachinespringstolifewithalotofflashingcoloredlightsandbeepingsounds.Thelightbulbcomesbrightlyon.) BUDDY:Allfixed! MICHAEL:Yay,Buddy!(hugsBUDDY)You’retheman! EMILY:(hugsBUDDYandMICHAEL)Nicegoing,Buddy! (ThedooropensandWALTERenters,carryinghisbriefcaseandwearyafteralongdayofwork.HEstopsshortuponseeingBUDDY,MICHAELandEMILYallhappilyhuggingeachother.) WALTER:Whatinthedevilisgoingonhere?! MICHAEL:It’sBuddy… EMILY:He’sstayingwithus! BUDDY:Hi,Dad! MICHAEL:Look!Buddyfixedmywindmachine!(turnsonthewindmachine) BUDDY:See? WALTER:Stayingwithus?Whatdoyoumean,Emily,he’sstayingwithus?(toMICHAEL)Turnthatnoiseoff! EMILY:Justforovernight.Thepoliceshowedupwithhim. WALTER:Oh,forheaven’ssake! MICHAEL:Hey,Dad,pleaselookatthis.Ijustswitchonthefanand… WALTER:Notnow! EMILY:Michael,whydon’tyoushowBuddythespareroom.(toBUDDY)Youcansleepthere.Ithasafuton. BUDDY:(LeavingwithMichael)Afuton? MICHAEL:It’sakindofbed. BUDDY:Oh,Ithoughtitwasarobot,like“Iamafuton.” BUDDY&MICHAEL:(doingrobotnoises)“Iamfuton!Iamfuton!” (MICHAELandBUDDYexit)

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WALTER:Emily,there’snoway— EMILY:Walter,he’shomelessandit’sfreezingout.Wecouldn’tjustlethimsleepinthestreet. WALTER:Okay.There’sayouthhosteloverbythewestsidehighway.Hecanstaythere. EMILY:Goodidea.We’llstickhiminacabandsendhimtoayouthhostelinhiselfsuit.Or,wecouldsavethecabfareandjustbeathimuphere. WALTER:Allright.Onenightandthat’sit.Iwanthimoutofhereby8a.m. #5a-TheNextMorning ACTONE:SCENE8 (Hobbsapartment,thefollowingmorning.BUDDYandMICHAELarehavingcoldspaghettiforbreakfasttogether.) MICHAEL:Wow,Buddy.Leftoverspaghettiforbreakfastisthebest,huh? BUDDY:I’veneverhadspaghettibefore. MICHAEL:Noway! BUDDY:Yesway.AttheNorthPole,weonlyeatfromthefivemajorfoodgroups;cookies,candy,candycanes,candycorn,andsyrup.Something’smissing…(HEtakesabottleofsyrupfromhissleeve)Syrup!Ineverleavehomewithoutit! MICHAEL:Youlikesugar,huh? BUDDY:Istheresugarinmaplesyrup? MICHAEL:Yes. BUDDY:Thenyes! MICHAEL:Youdoknowthatsugarisbadforyourteeth,right? BUDDY:Ofcourse;that’swhyit’simportanttochewyoursugarcarefully,drinklotsofsyrup,andseeyourdentisttwiceaday. (BUDDYpoursmaplesyrupalloverhisspaghettiandhungrilystartseating.Meanwhile,stageleft,inthelivingroom,weheartheSOUNDofadoorCHIMEasEmily,inabathrobe,entersandanswersthedoor. DOORMAN:GotanenvelopeforEmilyHobbs? EMILY:That’sme.Thankyou.(Shetakestheenvelope,closesthedoor,andcrossestositdowninaneasychair.SHEopenstheFed-Exenvelopeandbeginsreadingitscontents.) EMILY:Oh.My.Gosh. (WALTERenters,stageleft.HespotsBUDDY.) WALTER:Emily,thatlunaticisstillhere. EMILY:Yes,heis.Andhe’snotgoinganywhere. WALTER:Whatareyoutalkingabout? EMILY:Walter,I’vebeen,uh,verybusythelastcoupleofdays.Yousee,Ihadto… #6-IntheWay-Reprise EMILY:YANKASTRANDOUTOFBUDDY’SHAIRTHENASPLANNED.WAITTILLYOU’RENOTTHERE. SNEAKINANDFINDYOURHAIRONTHESINK. WALTER:SOMEONE’SBEENMULTITASKING. EMILY:THENICHECKWITHMYCOUSINMEL;HE’SATECHATBETHISRAEL. WALTER:WAITASEC,SHOULDICALLYOUASHRINK?

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EMILY:NODEAR,BUTTHANKSFORASKING.MELVINCHECKSALLTHEDNA IT’SCOMPLEX,BUTHEWORKSALLDAY.THISFED-EXSHOWSUPHEREWHENHE’SDONEWALTER:(worried)And? EMILY:(handingWALTERtheDNAreport)WALTERHASANELFFORASON! WALTER:Oh,no.Pleaseno.. (Duringtheabove,BUDDYandMICHAELgetupfromthekitchentableandgotowardthelivingroomtoeavesdrop.Now,BUDDYracesintothelivingroomtohugWALTER.MICHAELfollowsrightbehindBUDDY.) BUDDY:Yay!Iknewit!Iknewit!Dad!!Dad!!Dad!! MICHAEL:Igotabigbrother!Thisissocool!Ican’tbelieveit! WALTER:(toEMILY)Hecan’tbelieveit?Now,whatarewegonnado?Hecan’tliveherewithus,he’sinsane. BUDDY:Iplannedoutourwholefirstday,Dad.Justyouandme.We’llstartbymakingsnowangelsfortwohours,thenwe’llgoice-skatingandafterthat,we’lleatalogofTollHousecookiedoughasfastaswecanandthenwe’llcomebackhomehereandsnuggle. WALTER:(tohimself)Ican’tbelievethisishappening.(Aloud)We’llhavetosnugglesomeothertime,BuddybecausetodayI’vegottogotowork.You’llbestayingherewithyour,uh,step-mommy. EMILY:Oh,no,hewon’t!Ihavemyannualplanningmeetingthismorning.Yourfatherwillstayherewithyou. WALTER:(toEMILY)Emily!Iamthisclosetogettingfired. EMILY:Thentakehimtowork.Ibethecouldbeveryhelpfularoundtheoffice. WALTER:Ican’tbelievethisishappening.(staresatBUDDY)Allright,butifyou’recomingwithme,you’llhavetolosethatcostume.We’llstopatBrooksBrothersonthewayandgetyouasuit. BUDDY:Oh!CanitberedlikeSanta’s? WALTER:No. MICHAEL:CanIcome?Youcandropmeoffatschoolontheway. WALTER:Fine.That’shalfthemorningshot(toBUDDY)Comeon!We’llgotellFranciscothedoormantoflagusacab. BUDDY:“Francisco.”That’safunnametosay.(astheyexit)“Fran-cis-co.” (MICHAELandBUDDYexit.WALTERwatchesthemgo.HeturnstoEMILY.) WALTER:He’sanidiot.Mysonisanidiot. EMILY:Walter,tellmesomething.WasSusanabrightgirl? WALTER:Thebrightest.PhiBetaKappa. EMILY:Thenweknowwherehegottheidiotgene,don’twe,Darling?(EMILYpatshimonthebackandleaves.BLACKOUT.) #6a-PhiBetaKappa

ACTONE:SCENE9 (WALTERHOBBS’officeintheEmpireStateBuildingasinScene5.DEBisatherdeskwithSARA.) DEB:(talkingtoSARA)Anyway...itseemsthathehadthissecretloveaffairwhenhewasincollegeSARA:Noway! DEB:Iknow! SARA:Walter“the-ice-man”Hobbs!

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DEB:And,getthis,therewere“consequences”! SARA:Youdon’tmean… DEB:Yep.He’ssixfoot,andhe’sincrediblysweet. SARA:That’sbizarre,consideringthebloodline. DEB:Ohdefinitely!Buthere’sthekicker,hethinkshe’sanElf! SARA:AnElf? DEB:Yep!Hadthisfunnygreenelfcostume,littlebooties,andevenyellowtights! SARA:Waltermustbebesidehimself! (WALTERandBUDDYentertogetherwearingmatchingovercoats,overmatchingbusinesssuits.) DEB:Uh-oh!Theicemancometh!(SARAandDEBtrytolookbusy.) #6b-BuddyandWalter SAM:Morning,Walter. WALTER:Morning,Sam. BUDDY:Morning,Sam! WALTER:(continuingtowalktowardhisoffice)Sara. SARA:Oh,goodmorning,Mr.Hobbs. BUDDY:Goodmorning,Sara.That’sanicepurpledress.Verypurpley. SARA:Thankyou…. DEB:(gettingupfromherdesk)Buddy!Congratulations!IhearitturnsoutyoureallyareMr.Hobbs’son. BUDDY:HiDeb!Yes,Iam!Andyouhavesuchaprettyface.YoushouldbeonaChristmascard. DEB:Oh,stopit!Ihardlyrecognizeyou! #7-JustLikeHim BUDDY:That’sbecauseI’mwearinghumanworkclothes.Isn’titexciting?(singing) LOOKATME,I’MWEARINGASUITAPPROXIMATELYLIKEMYDAD’S. ANDYOU’LLSEESUSPENDERSTOBOOT,MYDAD’SUPONTHELATESTFADS. WE’RELIKETWOPEASINAPOD,SODON’TTHINKITODD,IFISHOULDGOOUTONALIMB ANDSAYWHENIGROWUPI’MGONNABEJUSTLIKEHIM. DEB:Mr.Hobbs,Mr.GreenwaygotinfromChicagoanhouragoandshouldbehereanyminute. WALTER:Todayofalldays. BUDDY:(mimickinghim)Todayofalldays. WALTER:I’mgonnaneedcoffee.Now. BUDDY:Letmedoit!Me!Me!Me! (BUDDYmakesacoffeeforWALTER,pouringanendlessstreamofsugarintothecup.) WELL,IKNEWI’DNEVERREGRETCOMINGFROMSOFARAWAY. THOUGHIT’STRUEWE’VENOTCUDDLEDYET,IT’SBOUNDTOHAPPENANYDAY. IT’SMONKEYSEE,MONKEYDO,I’MGONNAFOLLOWHISCUE WALTER:GOODMORNINGTED,HIJANE. BUDDY:Hi,JANE!(huggingJANE,notlettinggo)YUP,WHENIGROWUPI’MGONNABEJUSTLIKEHIM. WALTER:PutJanedown! JANE:Yeah.Ialreadyhaveaboyfriend. WALTER:Deb!Please!Beuseful. BUDDY:Whereareyougoing,Dad?

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DEB:Buddy,whydon’tyoucomehelpmeputthesedocumentsthroughtheshredder? BUDDY:What’sashredder? DEB:It’samachinethatmakessnow. BUDDY:Noway!WEGOTOGETHERLIKE“SUGAR”AND“PLUM” DEB:APERFECTDUOLIKE“RUMCAKE”AND“RUM” BUDDY:I’VEFOUNDAROCKOFGIBRALTARCALLEDMISTERWALTERHOBBS DEB:WHYDON’TWEMAKESOMESNOW?(DEBthrows“snow”intoBUDDY’Sface) BUDDY:WHYMAKEHIMSOME?MAKEHIMGOBS!Backtowork!(Dancebreak) (BUDDYthrows“snow”inDEB’sface.)Snow!Snow!Snow! WEGOTOGETHERLIKECRUMPETSANDTEA EMPLOYEES:IT’STWOFORTEA! DEB:APERFECTDUOLIKECHOC’LATEANDME EMPLOYEES:SHELIKESHERCHOC’LATEANDME BUDDY:HE’SLIKEABIGDOUGHYPRESENTTHATONLYSANTACOULDMAKE EMPLOYEES:SANTA! BUDDY:(totheothers)LET’SALLGOHUGHIMRIGHTNOW! EMPLOYEES:SORRY,BUTI’MONMYBREAK! BUDDY:ICAN’TEXPLAINWHYILOSEMYCOOLEVERYTIMETHATHECOMESNEAR IGOINSANEANDSCATLIKEAFOOLSHOOBIE-DOOBIE-DADDY-DEAR! WALTER:Buddy!Shutup! BUDDY:IGUESSBYNOWYOUKNOWWHY,MYFAVORITEGUYCANTRIGGERSUCHAVIGORANDVIM CAUSEWHENIGROWUPI’MGONNABEJUSTLIKEHIM. BUDDY:Ilovemydad!(BUDDYsitsinachairandswivelsbesideWALTER’sdesk.Thephonerings.Hequicklyanswers) BuddytheElf.What’syourfavoritecolor? (WALTERhangsupthephone,andmovesthechairfurtherawayfromhisdesk.) WALTER:Sitdownhere,(handinghimachildren’sbook)Readthis.I’vegotalotofworktodo.Pleasedon’ttalk. BUDDY:Dad? WALTER:What? BUDDY:Whyistheskyblue? WALTER:Idon’tknow.Ithassomethingtodowiththesun,andultraviolet...Idon’tknow.(Moresilence) BUDDY:Dad? WALTER:What? BUDDY:Whatdoesarainbowfeellike? WALTER:Idon’tknow.Soft… BUDDY:Dad? WALTER:Buddy! BUDDY:Whatwasmymomlike?SusanWelles? WALTER:Thatwasalongtimeago,Buddy.(BUDDYlooksdejected.WALTERsoftens.)WhatImeanis,wewerejustkidsincollege.Wedriftedapart.Shenevertoldmeabout...Susanwasfun,fulloflife.Youwouldhavelikedher. (DEBenters,leadinginMR.GREENWAY,agruffelderlybusinessmancarryingabulkybriefcase.) DEB:Mr.Greenway,sir.

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GREENWAY:Hobbs!Myphonehasbeenringingoffthehook!Angrymothers,kidscrying.“WhathappenedtoJingles,TheJollyChristmasPuppy?”“DidhemakeittotheNorthPole?”“Didheevergethismagicbone?” WALTER:Itwasanunfortunateoversight,Mr.Greenway.I’mfullypreparedtoblamemystaff— GREENWAY:(openinghisbriefcaseandslappingsomepapersonthedesk)Don’ttrytopassthebuck.It’syournameontheseproofs.AndI’lltellyousomethingelse;evenifthosetwomissingpageswereinthere,thebookstillwouldhavesucked!You’rehangingbyathread,Hobbs! BUDDY:Hi,Mr.Greenway.I’mBuddytheElf! GREENWAY:What?Whatthedevilisthat? WALTER:Well,uh,he’smyson. GREENWAY:Ithoughtyoursonwastenyearsold? BUDDY:I’mthirty.That’sthismany.(indicating30withhisfingers) GREENWAY:What? WALTER:(shoutingtoDEB)Deb!Buddyneedsabreak!Takehimdownstairsforsomehotchocolate. BUDDY:Oh!CanIhaveaChocolateMonster? DEB:AChocolateMonster? BUDDY:It’shotchocolatewithachocolatebarontop.Thatway,whenthechocolatemeltsitmakesitmorechocolaty. DEB:(leadingBUDDYoff)Worksforme. GREENWAY:Hobbs,you’reoutofajobunlessyoucancomeupwithablockbusterideaforanewChristmasbook.Imeanathrough-the-roofnationalbestseller! WALTER:Well,sir,that’seasiersaidthandone— GREENWAY:Yes,itis.Soyoubettergetyourtopwritersonit,becauseIwillbebackinNewYorkontheeveningofDecembertwenty-fourth.Atthattime,youwillpresenttome,inexactdetail,yourplansforthebook!HappyHolidays,Hobbs. (GREENWAYexits.WALTERisindespairstartspraying.) WALTER:God?I’magoodguy.Basically.Couldyou...couldyouthrowmeabone? (Suddenly,BUDDYrunsbackinandthrowsshreddedpaperinWALTER’Sface) BUDDY:Snow! (DEBrushesinafterhim,carryingacupofhotchocolate.BUDDYrushespasther.DEBstaresatWALTER,whositsathisdeskcoveredinshreddedpaper,lookingmiserable.) DEB:(toWALTER,awkwardly)ChocolateMonster? ACTONE:SCENE10 #7a-GreasySouvlaki (Earlyeveningofthesameday.BUDDYandJOVIEstrollalong5thAvenue.JOVIE’ssweetlydressedupforherdate;BUDDYiswearinghisnewovercoat.NYCENSEMBLEpassesbyduringthescene.Theyarebotheatingsouvlakionastick.Behindthem,weseeacartwithasignthatreads:“World’sGreatestSouvlaki.”) BUDDY:Howdidyoulikeyourdinner? JOVIE:Greasysouvlakionastickisnotdinner. BUDDY:Butit’stheworld’sbestsouvlaki… JOVIE:No,it’stheworld’scrappiestsouvlaki.(Shedropsitinthetrashandapologizestothevender.)Sorry.

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VENDOR:No.Thankyouforyourfeedback.I’llgohomerightnowandchangethesign. (VENDORexits) JOVIE:(toBUDDY)Look,howaboutwejustcallitanight? BUDDY:No!We’vestillgotsomuchtodoonourdate.It’stooearlytotakeyouhome.Oh!Howaboutdancing? JOVIE:Oh,no… BUDDY:I’llgofirst!Einzweidreivier! #7a2-BuddyClogs (BUDDYturnsandscatsaChristmassytunewhiledancinganelaborate,acrobatic,soloElfjig.) BUDDY:(gesturesforJOVIEtotakeover)Takeit,Jovie! JOVIE:Iamsonotgoingtotakethat. (Suddenly,BUDDYspiesaSALVATIONARMYbellringerstandingonthestreetcornerwiththecollectionreceptacleatherfeet.) BUDDY:Oh!Bells!(BUDDYrushesovertoher)MayItry? SUSANBEAANTHONYTHESALVATIONARMYLADY:Oh… #7aa-TheTintinnabulationoftheBells (BUDDYtakesthebells,andwithasmall,effortlessgestureplaysastunningrenditionof“CaroloftheBells”.) SUSANBEAANTHONYTHESALVATIONARMYLADY:Thatwasveryimpressive! BUDDY:(puttingthemback)Thankyou.Thisone’salittleflat. (TheSALVATIONARMYLADYleaves,abitperplexed) JOVIE:Youareamazingonthosethings! BUDDY:Well,Iusedtobeinaband;itwasmeonbells,CharlieontoypianoandTiaraonleadvocals,andPopsyonglockenspiel.Wehadagoodthinggoingthereforawhile;butthenCharliestartedhittingthesyrupprettyhard,andwehadtocallitquits.Thosewerecrazy,crazydays.Hey,didItellyou?Youlookmiraculous! JOVIE:Miraculous,huh?Okay,wellyoulookmiraculous,too.Thatelfgetupmadeyoulookincrediblydorky. BUDDY:Thanks! JOVIE:Thatwasn’tacompli— BUDDY:Iknow!It’sthenightbeforeChristmas.Let’sdosomethingChristmas-y! #7b-BigTreeMusic JOVIE:YouwantChristmas-y?Okay.Followme! (JOVIErunsoffplayfully.BUDDYfollows.Whentheyreturn,thesethaschanged.WeseeRockefellerCenterandit’senormousChristmastree,upstagecenter,decoratedbutunlit.) BUDDY:Oh!Let’sgoskating! JOVIE:I’mnotaverygoodskater. BUDDY:That’sokay.NeitheramI.SantasaysI’mahazard.Hecallsme“EdwardScissorfeet.” JOVIE:Stop.Let’smakeapact.Ifyoutrytobelesself-y,I’lltrytobelesscrabby. BUDDY:Okay.I’dlikeitifyou’dbelesscrabby. JOVIE:Icameherelastyear,too.MyfirstChristmasinNewYork.

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#7c-RockefellerCenterSkating BUDDY:Oh,where’dyoucomefrom? JOVIE:L.A. BUDDY:L.A.?Neverheardofthatplace.Idon’tthinkSantagoesthere. JOVIE:Hedoesn’t.Christmasestherearesurreal.Nosnow. BUDDY:Nosnow?!? JOVIE:I’veneverevenseensnow.I’vealwayswantedto. BUDDY:That’sthesaddestthingI’veeverheard. JOVIE:Yeah,I’vebeenhereforalmosttwoyearsandithasn’tsnowedsince.Youknow,whenIwasakidIdreamedofhavingasnowyChristmasEvedinneratTavernontheGreenwithBillyCrystal.Thatsoundssostupid. BUDDY:No,itdoesn’t!Who’sBillyCrystal?Hesoundsmagical. JOVIE:He’sanactor.Hewasinmyfavoritemovieofalltime:“CitySlickers.”Anyway,lastyearIspentChristmasEveina400squarefootstudioapartmentwatching“GilmoreGirls”onNetflix.Sad,huh? BUDDY:Youknowwhat?You’regoingtohaveChristmasEvedinneratTavernontheGreen! JOVIE:Idon’tthinkso.Foronething,it’sbeenclosedformonths.Itjustreopened,nowit’sevenhardertogetin. BUDDY:Mydadcangetusatable!Hecandoanything! JOVIE:Buddy,don’tpromisethingsyoucan’tdeliver. BUDDY:Jovie,Iwillmakeyourdreamscometrue.Ipromise. JOVIE:Wow,ImightactuallyhavearealChristmas. BUDDY:Yousee?YoudohaveaChristmasSpirit! JOVIE:IguessIdo.Alittle. BUDDY:NowyouhavetospreaditaroundandrememberthebestwaytospreadChristmascheerissingingloudforalltohear. #8-AChristmasSong JOVIE:Itoldyou,Idon’tsing. BUDDY:Whatdoyoumean,youdon’tsing? JOVIE:ImeanIdon’tsingforanyone,atanytime,underanycircumstances,andthatincludesbirthdays,BarMitzvahsandespeciallyChristmas.Okay? BUDDY:COMEON,JOVIE,SINGINGCANBEEASY JOVIE:Please,stop. BUDDY:IT’SFUNANDFREEANDBESTOFALLIT’S JOVIE:Totallycheesy? BUDDY:C’mon!ALLYOUHAVETODOISMOVEYOURVOICEMUCHHIGHER.HIGH,LOW,HIGH,LOW. (Veryhigh)HIGH(Drawingitout)IT’SJUSTLIKETALKINGONLYYOUSUSTAINITANDMAKEITSOUNDPRETTY JOVIE:No. BUDDY:IJUSTSINGACHRISTMASSONGIT’SLIKEMAGICIFTHINGSGOWRONG JUSTSPREADSOMECHRISTMASCHEERBYSINGINGLOUDFORALLTOHEAR JOVIE:Peoplearestaring. BUDDY:That’sthepoint!

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JUSTSINGACHRISTMASSONGANDKEEPONSINGINGALLSEASONLONG THINKOFTHEJOYYOU’LLBRINGIFYOUJUSTCLOSEYOUREYESANDSING ANDIFYOU’RESHORTONCHEERTHINKABOUTTHATYEARYOUWOKEUPTOFINDABRANDNEWSNOWHADFALLENTHEORNAMENTSYOUMADEBACKINSECONDGRADE UNTANGLINGTHECHRISTMASLIGHTSTOOKYOURFATHERSEVERALNIGHTS YOURMOTHERCLAIMEDTHATSHEHADPROOFTHEREWEREREINDEERONTHEROOF REMEMBERWHOYOUWEREBACKTHEN?LETTHOSEMOMENTSLIVEAGAIN Comeon,Jovie!Tryitforme! (JOVIEcloseshereyesandsings,tentativelyatfirst,butgrowingmoreconfident.) JOVIE:JUSTSINGACHRISTMASSONG BUDDY:That’sit! JOVIE:IT’SLIKEMAGICIFTHINGSGOWRONG BUDDY:Keepgoing! JOVIE:JUSTSPREADSOMECHRISTMASCHEERBYSINGINGLOUDFORALLTO... (MoreNYCENSEMBLEjoininastheysing) JOVIE,BUDDY&NYCENSEMBLE:JUSTSINGACHRISTMASSONG,ANDKEEPONSINGINGALLSEASONLONG. THINKOFTHEJOYYOU’LLBRINGIFYOUJUSTCLOSEYOUREYES…IFYOUJUSTCLOSEYOUREYES... IFYOUJUSTCLOSEYOUREYESANDSING! (Ontheapplause,JOVIEkissesBUDDYandtheRockefellerChristmasTreelightsup.) #8a-BacktotheOffice ACTONE:SCENE11 (WALTER’Soffice.WALTERconferswithCHADWICK.It’sobviousthatthemeetinghasbeengoingonforhours.) CHADWICK:Okay.Howaboutthistownpopulatedbytomatoes— WALTER:Tomatoes. CHADWICK:Littletomatopeople.TheyarebusilypreparingforChristmas,butlittledotheyknow,themeantomatowholivesonthetopofthemountainisplanningtostealChristmasthisyear. WALTER:YouaredescribingtheGrinch. CHADWICK:Butwithtomatoes! WALTER:You’reanidiot,Chadwick.Greenwayisgoingtofireusallifwedon’tcomeupwithsomethinggood,youunderstandthat?Canyougrasptheseriousnessofthissituation?WhereisMatthews? CHADWICK:He’sworkingalead. WALTER:He’swhat? (MATTHEWSburstsin,carryingasmallmanuscript) MATTHEWS:Igotit! CHADWICK:Yougotit? WALTER:Anoriginalidea,Ihope? MATTHEWS:Wegotsomethingbetterthananidea. CHADWICK:Wegotabook. MATTHEWS:Youarefamiliar,ofcourse,withChristopherSmith.

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WALTER:Areyoukidding?ChristopherSmithwasthegreatestwriterofChristmasstorieswhoeverlived.WhenyouthinkofChristmas,youthinkofChrisSmith. CHADWICK:So,youwouldbehappyifwebroughthimin? WALTER:He’sdead,youmorons. MATTHEWS:Mr.Hobbs,Imetthisguywhodealsinusedfurniture;high-endstuff,fromthehomesofprominentdeadwriters.So,herecentlyacquiredadeskonceownedbyoneChristopherSmith. CHADWICK:Andinthisdesk,hefindsasecretdrawer— MATTHEWS:--andinthissecretdrawer,hefindsamanuscript. WALTER:AlostChrisSmithChristmasstory? MATTHEWS:It’saChrisSmithChristmasforWalterHobbs! (MATTHEWShandsWALTERasmall,yellowingmanuscript) WALTER:It’sbeautiful. MATTHEWS:Isn’tit?Theillustrations— CHADWICK:Andthestorywillmakeyoucry. WALTER:Ican’tbelieveI’mactuallyholdinganoriginalChristopherSmithinmyhands. MATTHEWS:Careful.It’stheonlycopy. CHADWICK:Areyounuts?Whatifsomeonespillscoffeeonit?Makeacopy! MATTHEWS:Relax.Themachine’soutoftoner.Deb’schangingitnow.Justbecarefulwithit,Mr.Hobbs. WALTER:(handlingitgingerly)Thiscouldbehuge! (SuddenlyBUDDY,inhisbusinesssuit,burstsintotheconferenceroom,havingjustcomefromhisdate.) BUDDY:I’minlove!AndIdon’tcarewhoknowsit! WALTER:Buddy,please.We’reverybusy. BUDDY:Dad,IneedatablefortwoatTavernontheGreen,seveno’clock,ChristmasEve.Andfourhundreddollars. MATTHEWS:Theguy’swaitinginthelobby,Mr.Hobbs. WALTER:(toBUDDY)Buddy.We’lltalkaboutthisinaminute.Justdomeafavorandsitthereinthatchair.Amuseyourself. BUDDY:Oh,okay,dad. WALTER:(toMATTHEWS)Well,bringtheguyuphere.Iwanttothankhimpersonally. MATTHEWS:He’snotwaitingforathankyou.He’swaitingfor$300,000. WALTER:What? CHADWICK:It’sasmallpricetopay,Mr.Hobbs.Thisisamodernclassic. MATTHEWS:We’llmakeitbackonthefilmrightsalone. WALTER:Idon’tknow.That’salotofmoney.(WALTERputsdownthemanuscript) CHADWICK:Mr.Hobbs,we’vebeentryingtocomeupwithanideaforastorybutwe’vegotnothing. MATTHEWS:We’reidiots! CHADWICK:Andthenthiscomesalong:It’sagiftfromGod! MATTHEWS:AndGodgetsmadwhenyoudon’taccepthisgifts. WALTER:Fine.I’llwritetheguyacheck. (WALTERwalksbehindthedeskandtakesouthischeckbook.BUDDYnoticestheshredder.HEpicksupthemanuscriptandwandersovertoit.)Greenwaywillunderstand,right?Infact,he’llbethrilled!There’llbeChristmasbonusesforeveryone!Imean,thisisgoingtomakeusmillions!(WALTERfillsoutthecheckandhandsittoMATTHEWS.Atthatmoment,BUDDYdropsthemanuscriptintotheshredder.WALTER,MATTHEWSandCHADWICKfreezewhentheyhearthe

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sound.TheyslowlyturntofaceBUDDY.Hepicksuppiecesoftheshreddedmanuscriptandthrowsthemintheair.) BUDDY:Snow!Snow!Snow! (MATTHEWSandCHADWICKscrambletopickuptheshreddedpiecesofpaper.Theysoonrealizethefutilityoftheexercise.TheylookbacktoWALTERforlornly.) WALTER:Whathaveyoudone?(toBUDDY)Thatwastheonlycopy! BUDDY:(scared)What? WALTER:Icannotdealwiththisanymore.Justgobacktotheapartment,getyourthingsandleave! BUDDY:Forwhere? WALTER:Idon’tcare!Idon’tcarewhereyougo!Idon’tcarethatyou’reanelf!Idon’tcarethatyou’remyson!Justgetoutofmylife! BUDDY:Dad- WALTER:Forever! (BUDDYwalksunhappilyoutoftheconferenceroom.) ACTONE:SCENE12 (Alittlelaterthesamenight,December23rd.WefindBUDDYalone.) #8b-World’sGreatestDad-Reprise BUDDY:IONLYTRIEDMYBESTTOBEEVERYTHINGYOU’DEXPECTOFME BUTILETYOUDOWNANDSOIGUESSWE’REDONE. ANDNOWHOWCANISAYI’MTHEWORLD’SGREATESTSON? CAROLERS:JUSTSINGACHRISTMASSONGANDKEEPONSINGINGALLSEASONLONG. THINKOFTHEJOYYOU’LLBRINGIFYOUJUSTCLOSEYOUREYESIFYOUJUSTCLOSEYOUREYESANDSING.

ENDOFACTONE

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ACTTWO:PROLOGUE #8c-Entr’acte #8d-AfterEntr’acte(SANTArushesinwithacupofcocoa.) SANTA:Sorry.Sorry.Justmadeaquicktriptothecocoacart.(SANTAsettles,andtakesasipofcocoa.)Oh.Singlemeltcocoa.That’llcurlyourshoes.Okay.Wherewerewe?(Openingthebook).Ah,yes.BuddywasnothavingaverymerryChristmas.Infact,itwastheworsthecouldremember,evenworsethanthatyearalltheelveshadthatwintervomitingdisease.AfterWaltersaidallthoseterriblethingstohim,Buddywentbacktotheapartment,gotbackintohiselfsuitandwroteanote. (WeseeaprojectionofBuddy’sfarewellmessage,whichiswrittenonanEtch-A-Sketch). BUDDY:(Speakingthewordsweseeprojected)DearDadandMomandMichael:I’msorryIruinedyourlives--andIalsofeelreallyupsetaboutpouringthatbottleofmaplesyrupintoyourDVDplayer.Mybad.Anyway,Thanksforyourniftysuitandcoat,butIwon’tbeneedingthemanymore.Idon’tbelongherewithyou.Idon’tbelongattheNorthPole,either.I’llneverforgetyou,loveandgoodbyeforever,Buddy.P.S.MerryChristmas SANTA:Afterthat,Buddywanderedallnightandallthenextday,coldandalone,throughthestreetsofthecity. (BUDDY,nowonceagaininhiselfcostume,entersandtrudgesforlornlyalonethroughaprojectedManhattanstreet.) Bythenhewashungry,andhehappenedtostumbleupontheonlyplaceinNewYorkwhereasadelfcangetacheapmealonChristmasEve. (BUDDYcomesupontheexteriorofaChineserestaurant,ChungFuPalace.Aswesegueintothenextscene,thetimeisadaylater,earlyontheeveningofthe24th.) ACTTWO:SCENE1 (TheinterioroftheChungFuPalace,ChristmasEveItisearlyevening.AllofthecustomersaredressedasSantaClaussinceeachisnowanout-of-workdepartmentstoreorSalvationArmystreet-cornerSanta.Theypickattheirfoodandcommiserate.) SADSANTAFRANK:ThisisoneChristmasseasonIthoughtwouldneverend. SADSANTAFLOYD:Itgetslongereveryyear. MANAGER:You’retellingme.Igotabruiseonmythighintheshapeofakid’sbutt.(AnotherbedraggledSantawalksin.) SADSANTAFRED:AmItoolate? SADSANTAFONZY:Nah,westillgotchowmein,andsesamechicken. SADSANTAFRED:Oye,mayIneverputonthissuitagain. SADSANTAFABIO:Toughyear. SADSANTAFRITZ:WhatameshugenahChristmas. (TheSADSANTA’sclinkglasses.Upstage,weseeadespondentBUDDY,inhiselfoutfit,peeringthroughthewindow.The WAITRESSnoticeshimandwaveshimin.) BUDDY:IsthisaChineserestaurant? WENDYTHEWAITRESS:No.Igotathingfordragons.

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BUDDY:Sorry.I’llkeeplooking… WENDYTHEWAITRESS:Oh,youtoodepressedforsarcasm,huh?Comeonin,honey,we’vegotaspecialonforoutofworkChristmastemps.Youlikehotandsoursoup? BUDDY:(disgusted)No! MANAGER:Hey!That’sthecrazyIwastellingyouallabout. SADSANTAFABIO:HeyFred,isthattheguy? SADSANTAFRED:YOU!Ioughtapoundyou- BUDDY:I’msorryIcalledyouafakeandpulledyourbeard.MomexplainedtomethatyouguyspretendtobeSantaforthekidswhocan’tmakeittotheNorthPoletoseetherealSanta.Igetitnow.Sorry. MANAGER:Hey!Buddy.ComesitnexttoSantaClaus. BUDDY:Youguysmakealotofkidshappy. SADSANTAFRITZ:Notanymore. SADSANTAFONZY:Yearsagokidswouldlightupwhentheysawyou.Youfeltspecial,youknow? MANAGER:Nowtheyjustsitonyourlapandtexteachother. SADSANTAFRANK:Peoplegotnorespect. SADSANTAFABIO:Norespectatall. WENDYTHEWAITRESS:Norespect. BUDDY:NorespectforSantaClaus. #9-NobodyCaresAboutSanta SADSANTAFONZY:USEDTOBEI’DSTANDONTHEBUSIESTCORNER,RINGMYBELLANDMAKETHEPEOPLESMILE. NOWADAYSTHEYPASSMEBY,ANDWHOKNOWSWHY?COULDITBETHATOLDSAINTNICK’SGONEOUTOFSTYLE? ALLSADSANTAS:WELL,NOBODYCARES,NOBODYCARES,NOBODYCARESABOUTSANTA. THEYREADTHEIRLISTTHENYOUGETDISMISSED‘CAUSENOBODYCARESABOUTSANTACLAUS. FAKESANTAFRED:USEDTOBETHEKIDSWAITEDHOURSTOSEEME.ALLTHATJOYCOULDALMOSTMAKEYOUCRY.NOWTHEYTHINKI’MJUSTPASSE,SOMEDUMBCLICHE,ANDITMAKESMEWONDERWHYIEVENTRY ALLSADSANTAS:WELL,NOBODYCARES,NOBODYCARES,NOBODYCARESABOUTSANTA.YOUONCEWEREREVERED. SADSANTAFABIO:NOWTHEYYANKOFFYOURBEARD ALLSADSANTAS:‘CAUSENOBODYCARESABOUTSANTACLAUS.ISTHISALLASIGN? BUDDY:ISTHISALLANAWFULSIGN ALLSADSANTAS:OFASADDECLINE? BUDDY:AMISERABLE,SADDECLINE!INEVERKNEWSUCHDISRESPECTCOULDEVERHAVEEXISTED.NOWONDERTHISWHOLECITYHASBEENNAUGHTYLISTED. SADSANTAFRANK:HO! SADSANTAFLOYD&FRITZ:HO! SADSANTAFABIO:HO!HO!

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SADSANTAFONZY:HO!HO! MANAGERANDFAKESANTAFRED:HO!HO!HO! (Dancebreak) ALL:NOBODYCARESABOUTSANTACLAUS NOBODYCARESABOUTSANTACLAUS NO-BODY!NO-BODY!NO-BODY! BUDDY:NOBODY,NOBODY MANAGER:WHOA,BUDDY. SANTAS:NO-BODY!NO-BODY!NOBODYCARES!NOBODYCARES! NOBODYCARES!NOBODYCARES!NOBODYCARES! BUDDY:HOWCANSANTACLAUS SANTAS:HOWCANGOODOLDSANTACLAUS BUDDY:BEAHOPELESSCAUSE? SANTAS:ATOTALLYHOPELESSCAUSE! BUDDY:EVENLITTLECHILDRENTHINKTHATSANTA’SOVERRATED. IKINDAGETTHEFEELINGTHATNEWYORKISJADED! SANTAS:IKINDAGETTHATFEELING,TOO! ALL:WELL,NOBODYCARES,NOBODYCARES, NOBODYCARESABOUTSANTA.THEBRINGEROFBLISS. BUDDY:WHATKINDOFWORLDISTHIS? ALL:WHERENOBODYCARESABOUTWEARY,FEDUP,READYTOHANGTHESLEDUPSANTACLAUS.HO!HO!HO! NO!NO!NO! (Asthesongends,theSADSANTAsbegintoexit,sayinggoodnighttoeachother.) SADSANTAFLOYD:Well,that’sitforme.Igottagethome. SADSANTAFRED:Me,too. SADSANTAFRITZ:Beengoodcatchingupwithyouguys. BUDDY:Wait.Don’tyouguyswanttohangoutsomemore?Singsongs?Complain? MANAGER:Don’tyouhaveafamilytogohometo? BUDDY:Ihadafightwithmydad.Hesaidheneverwantstoseemeagain. SADSANTAFABIO:Ah,forgetaboutit.Christmasisallaboutfightingwithyourfamily. SADSANTAFRANK:Yeah,butthat’swhatpresentsarefor.Makingup. MANAGER:ListentotheSantas.Gogetyouroldmanapresent. BUDDY:Apresent? MANAGER:Sure.That’sthethingaboutChristmas.Whenyou’reakid,it’sallaboutwhatyou’regonnaget,butwhenyougrowup,well,it’sallaboutgivingpeoplestuff.It’stheonedayayeareverybodygetstobeSantaClaus. BUDDY:Apresent.ThanksMr.ManagermanandfakeSantas. SADSANTAFONZY:Noproblem. MANAGER:Thatremindsme.It’sChristmasEveandIgottogetsomethingforthewife.IhopeWallgreensisstillopen. BUDDY:ChristmasEve!Oh,mygosh!Jovie!IforgotallaboutJovie!(BUDDYjumpstohisfeet.)MerryChristmasguys! MANAGER&SANTAS:MerryChristmas!

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ACTTWO:SCENE2 (JOVIE,dressedtothenines,standsforlornlyinfrontofTavernontheGreen.It’salittlelateronChristmasEve.JOVIElooksatherwatch,sighsandsings.) #10-NeverFallinLove(WithAnElf) HE’SSEVERALHOURSLATE,THESKYLINE’SGROWINGDIM. WHILEOTHERSDECKTHEHALLS,YOUDREAMOFDECKINGHIM. MYCHOICEINMENHASALWAYSBEENPATHETIC,ISUPPOSE. THEGUYWHOSTOLEMYCREDITCARDS. THEGUYWHOTRIEDONMYCLOTHES.ANDSOAROWOFSELF-HELPBOOKSLINEMYBEDROOMSHELF. BUTTHERE’SONERULETHOSEBOOKSFORGOT:YOUNEVERFALLINLOVEWITHANELF. HISENDLESSTALKOFCHRISTMASTOWNWILLTESTYOUREVERYNERVE.STILL,HE’SKINDOFCUTE,IGUESS, WELL,IFYOUGRADEONACURVE.ANDTHOUGHYOUVOWEDYOU’DNEVERSINGJUSTLOOKATYOURSELF: YOU’REHALFWAYTHROUGHACHRISTMASSONGCALLED“NEVERFALLINLOVEWITHANELF.” THEHOLIDAYSWILLSEEMBITTERSWEETWHILEYOU’REALONEINBED, BUTHOWCANONEGIRLEVERCOMPETEWITHAMAGICFATGUYINAFLYINGSLED.GOASKAHUNDREDSINGLEGIRLSFROMHERETOPHILADELPHIA(‘IA), THEY’LLSAYIT’SCLEARASDAY.YOU’REINFORSLEEPLESSNIGHTSIFYOUDATEAGUYWHOHASATHINGFORTIGHTS. OH,NEVERFALLINLOVE,NEVERFALLINLOVE, NEVERFALLINLOVEWITHANELF. IT’SASCLEARASAJINGLEBELL,IFYOUARESINGLE,WELL,DON’TFALLINLOVEWITHANELF. (Attheendofthesong,BUDDYentersandrunsuptoJOVIE.) BUDDY:Jovie!Iknowyouaresupermadrightnow.(noticingherdress)Wow.Youlookmoremiraculousthanever. JOVIE:Andyoulook...seasonallyappropriate. BUDDY:Thanks! JOVIE:Youaretwoandahalfhourslate. BUDDY:Ihaveareallygoodexplanation. JOVIE:Goahead. BUDDY:Iforgotaboutourdate. JOVIE:That’syourexplanation?Youforgot? BUDDY:Irememberediteventually,butforalongtimeIforgot,whichiswhyI’mlate.Oh!IsthisTavernontheGreen?Withallthelights?Pretty! JOVIE:Yes.I’msuresomeluckycouplehadawonderfuleveningsittingatourtable. BUDDY:Notheydidn’t. JOVIE:Whynot?

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BUDDY:Becausewedidn’thaveatable.IwasgoingtoaskmyDadtogetusone…. JOVIE:Butyouforgot. BUDDY:No.Iremembered,buthegotreallymadatmeformakingitsnowinhisoffice… JOVIE:Stop.Juststop.Ican’ttakeanymoreofyourcrazystories. BUDDY:Butit’strue!And,oh,Jovie.Iamso,sosorryIruinedyourChristmasdream. JOVIE:Forgetit.It’smyfault.Iknewyoucouldn’tgetatable.Butstill,Igotalldressedupandcamehere.Andthenanhourwentby,thenanotherhourandIwaited.Ididn’tleave.Why?BecauseourdateonThursdaywastheonlygoodtimeI’vehadinthelastyearandahalf.Howsadisthat? BUDDY:Thatissad.Butit’snice,too. JOVIE:IjustthoughtthatifanyonecouldgivemearealChristmasitwouldbeyou.“Loweryourexpectations,soyoudon’tgetdisappointed.”Ishouldhavethattattooedonmyforehead. BUDDY:JovieIfeelsobadaboutthis;sicktomystomach,likeIswallowedazillionsticksofJuicyFruit.ThelastthinginthewholeworldIwantedtodowashurtyou. JOVIE:Idon’twanttotalkaboutitanymore.I’mcold,andmyfeetarekillingmeintheseheels… BUDDY:CanIjustgiveyouaChristmaspresent? JOVIE:Thisistheworstpossibletime… (BUDDYtakesoutthesnowglobe) BUDDY:ThisiswhatNewYorkCitylookslikewhenitsnows.(hehandsittoher)Shakeit.(AsSHEtakestheglobeandshakesit.)Pretty,huh?Realsnowflakesaresmallerthanbuildings.(JOVIEtriestohanditbacktohim.)Keepit,andlookatitlaterwhenyou’renotfurious.It’sreallyspecial.Imean,Iknowyou’renotgoingtobelieveme,butSantaClausgaveittomewhenIlefttheNorthPole. JOVIE:Oh,Buddy.Isowishthatweretrue.Goodbye.(JOVIEleaves) #10a-Goodbye ACTTWO:SCENE3 (ThelivingroomintheHobbsapartment.MICHAELandEMILYarereadingBUDDY’snoteontheEtch-a-sketch.) EMILY:(readingthenote)“...Idon’tbelongattheNorthPole,either.Nobodywantsme,Nobodyneedsme.”Poorthing,wanderingthestreetsinthatdorkyelfsuit. MICHAEL:Whydidhedoit? EMILY:Hehadafightwithyourfather.(examiningtheEtch-a-sketchmoreclosely)Thisreallyisamazing.Icanbarelydrawastraightlineononeofthesethings. MICHAEL:Wehavetofindhim!Wehavetobringhimhome! EMILY:Wewillfindhim,butafterthat,Ithinkweneedtogethimsomehelp. MICHAEL:Whatdoyoumean,“help”? EMILY:Professionalhelp.Honey,Buddyiscrazy. MICHAEL:Mom. EMILY:No,heis.Wehavetoacceptthat. MICHAEL:He’smybrother. EMILY:Iknow.Soyouhaveacrazybrother.Lotsofpeopledo. MICHAEL:JustbecausesomebodybelievesinSantaClaus,doesn’tmeanthey’recrazy. EMILY:Yes,itdoes. MICHAEL:No,itdoesn’t.

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EMILY:Yes,itdoes. MICHAEL:Whataboutlittlekids?Aretheycrazytoo? EMILY:It’sdifferent.Ifalittlekidbelievesinatalkingpurpledinosaur,it’sdelightful.Ifhestillbelieveswhenhe’sthirty,it’sprofoundlydisturbing.Look,justbecauseBuddyiscrazy,doesn’tmeanweshouldlovehimanyless.Ihaveafriendwho’sapsychiatrist.DoyourememberBarry?WiththeFerrari?I’mgoingtogivehimacallrightnow.MaybehecantelluswhereweshouldlookforBuddy.(EMILYleavestheroom.MICHAELwandersovertoanupstagewindow.Hestaresoutforlornly.) MICHAEL:(tohimself)Buddy.Wheredidyougo? #11-ThereIsaSantaClaus (Suddenlyabrightflashoflightappearsoutside.MICHAELstaresindisbelief.) MICHAEL:Mom!Mom!! (EMILYrunsbackintotheroom.) EMILY:What?! MICHAEL:ISAWATINYSLEIGHMAKEIT’STINYWAYRIGHTACROSSTHESKY, THEREWASN’TTIMETOTHINKTHEREWASN’TTIMETOBINKBEFOREITZOOMEDRIGHTBY ANDEVERYTHINGIKNEWIKNEWANDEVERYTHINGTHATYOUKNEW,TOO ISABSOLUTELYNOWUNTRUEBECAUSEWITHOUTADOUBTTHEREISASANTACLAUS (ThroughthewindowEMILYseesSanta’ssleighpassingby) EMILY:Michael,areyousureyou’renotjustseeing---Oh,mygosh!!! IJUSTSAWHIM,TOOYETMYWHOLELIFETHROUGHHESEEMEDFAKETOME COULDN’TSANTASEEWHATAFANTASYHEAPPEARSTOBE ANDEVERYTHINGITHOUGHTITHOUGHTISTANGLEDUPINONEBIGKNOT THEWORLDOUTTHEREHASCLEARLYGOTITSFLAWS IFTHEYCAN’TSAYTHEREISASANTACLAUS MICHAEL:ANDRUDOLPH’SNOSEREALLYGLOWSANDGUIDESHIMTHROUGHTHENIGHT EMILY:THEBEARDLIKESNOW,THE“HOHOHO” MICHAEL:ITOLDYOUIWASRIGHT! EMILY:ANDDOESTHISMEANTHATEASTEREGGSAREHIDDENBYARABBIT? IJUSTTHOUGHTTHATI’DBEENHOCUS-POCUS-ED ANDDOESTHISMEANTHERE’SANYTRUTHTOAFAIRYWHOMIGHTBUYYOURTOOTH? MICHAEL:COMEON,MOTHER.LET’SSTAYFOCUSED EMILY:IT’SHARDTOBESEDATEORKEEPYOURHEADONSTRAIGHT MICHAEL&EMILY:WHENFAIRYTALESCOMETRUE. THOUGHICAN’TCOMPLAINCAUSEIFI’MINSANETHATMEANSYOUARE,TOO. SOWHYDON’TWEMAKEAPACT,ASOLEMNPLEDGETOBEEXACT. THATSANTA’SREAL,INFACT,HEALWAYSWAS. IKNOWI’VEHADMYDOUBTSBEFOREBUTNOWTHERE’SPROOFICAN’TIGNORE. SOWHYDENYITANYMORE? THEREISASANTACLAUS!! #11a-IntotheAsparagusPatch (MUSICplaysoffandwetransitioninto…)

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ACTTWO:SCENE4 (TheGreenwayPressOfficesonanupperflooroftheEmpireStateBuilding,asinActOne.LateronChristmasEve.) WALTER:YouhavetoworkonChristmasEve,toughluck,sodoI.Getitthroughyourheads,Greenway’sonhiswayandifhedoesn’tbuyourpitch,we’reallfired. CHADWICK:Butwe’vebeentryingallnight. MATTHEWS:Wedon’t’haveapitch. WALTER:I’mpainfullyawareofthat!Justkeepthinking. (longthinkingpause) CHADWICK:Whataboutthis:apoorfamilyofasparaguschildren,eagerlyawaitingSanta,butthey’reself-consciousaboutthewaytheirpeesmells. WALTER:(pause-thenwithdisgust)No!Iwantyourresignationonmydeskinthemorning.Inthemeantime,keepthinking. (Theyareallsilent) DEB:MayImakeasuggestion? WALTER:Anything. DEB:WheneverwevisitedmyGrammyinBudapest,shewouldtellusthestoryoflittlePalko,theone-leggedboy.HewishedandhewishedeveryyearforalegandthenoneChristmasmorningthereitwas,underthetree.FromSanta. WALTER:Aleg? DEB:Yes.Aleg. WALTER:Ahumanleg? DEB:Yes,becausehe’dbeenaverygoodboy. WALTER:That’sthemostdisgustingstoryI’veeverheard. DEB:(defensively)Well,it’sincrediblytouchingwhenyouhearitinHungarian. (EMILYandMICHAELburstin) EMILY:Walter- MICHAEL:Dad.You’renotgonnabelievewhatwejustsaw! WALTER:Emily!Whatareyoudoinghere?!YouhavenoideahowimportantitisthatIcontinueworkingonthispitch. EMILY:No.Wehavetotalk,Walter.Rightnow. WALTER:Fine.Deb,keepaneyeoutforGreenway,willyou? DEB:Yessir. (DEBstepsoutoftheoffice.) EMILY:Firstofall,Buddyismissing. MICHAEL:Heranaway.HeleftanoteonanEtch-a-sketch. EMILY:Ibroughtitinthecab,but,youknow,theslightestshakeandthosedarnthingserasethemselves. WALTER:Emily,youknowthattonightofallnights,Ihaveto- MICHAEL:Iknewit.He’snotgoingtohelpus. WALTER:Michael,youdon’tunderstand… MICHAEL:No,youdon’tunderstand!It’snotjustBuddy.MeandMombothsaw- (DEBspeaksloudlyfromoutsidetheoffice.) DEB:Oh!Mr.Greenway,howlovelytoseeyou!CanIgetyouanything?Coffee?Tea?Achocolatemonster? GREENWAY:ChocolateMonster?No.Where’sHobbs?

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WALTER:(toEMILY)Please.I’mbeggingyou.JustgivemetenminutestomakethispitchandthenI’lllookforBuddywithyou.I’lllookforanyelfyouwant. (GREENWAYenters) GREENWAY:Okay.Makeitquick.I’vegottocatchaplanebacktoChicago. WALTER:Christmasparty? GREENWAY:Hardly.DoyourememberMarczenkoinacquisitions?Hegavesomeconartist300,000dollarsofcompanymoneyforafakeChrisSmithstory.Idiot. (WALTERlookstoCHADWICKandMATTHEWS) MATTHEWS:(nervously)Whataloser. CHADWICK:(toMATTHEWS)Youshouldfirethatguy. GREENWAY:Now,let’shearyourpitch,Hobbs!Anditbetterbegood! WALTER:Okay.Okay.Let’sstartwiththecover.Picturethis:UnderaChristmastree,alittleboy’sleg… (BUDDYenters) BUDDY:(tentatively,nervously)Hi,Dad.Everybody.I’msorrythatI… MICHAEL:Buddy! EMILY:Weweresoworried!Areyouokay? BUDDY:Well,IthinkIjustbrokeupwithmygirlfriend… EMILY:(sympathetically)Oh…(thinkingaboutit)Youhaveagirlfriend? MICHAEL:Buddy!Themostamazingthinghappened! WALTER:Canwedothislater,Please? BUDDY:Dad,Iknowyou’remadatme,andIwanttofixthat. GREENWAY:Hobbs,whatisyourfamilydoinghere?Thisisabusinessmeeting. BUDDY:(ignoringGREENWAYandgoingon)IwanttogiveyouaChristmaspresent,butIdon’thaveanymoney,sowhichwouldyouprefer:athousandbutterflykissesorabraceletmadeofmyhair? WALTER:Neither.DoyouwanttogivemeaChristmaspresent?Givemeastorytopitch! GREENWAY:What?Areyoutellingme,Hobbs,thatyoudon’thaveastorytopitch? BUDDY:Dad! WALTER:Oh,no,sir.Ofcourse,Ihaveastorytopitch. BUDDY:Dad!Oh! WALTER:It’sabout,uh,littlePalko,aone-leggedboywholivesinanasparaguspatchand… BUDDY:Dad!Ihaveagreatstory!Oh,thisisawaybetterpresentthanabraceletmadeofmyhair! WALTER:Holdit,Buddy,youcan’t… GREENWAY:Yes,hecan.Goahead.Itcan’tbeanyworsethanlittlePalko,theone-leggedasparagusboy. BUDDY:Yes,sir.ItstartsonChristmasmorningaboutthirtyyearsago… #12-TheStoryofBuddy BUDDY:PAGEONE,FRESHOUTOFTOYS,SANTAMAKESHISWAYBACK. WHENHEHEARSASMALLNOISEFROMINSIDEOFHISSACK ASOUNDTHAT’SNOTUNLIKEABABY’SCRY IT’SENOUGHTOLEAVETHEJOLLYGUYPERPLEXED GREENWAY:AND? WALTER:AND?

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DEB,CHADWICK&MATTHEWS:AND? MICHAEL:COMEONBUDDY,WHATCOMESNEXT?! GREENWAY:AbabyinsideSanta’sbag?It’snotabadstart… WALTER:He’sbuyingit!Keepgoing! BUDDY:PAGETWO,BACKFROMHISRIDE,SANTAGATHERSHISELVES MICHAEL:HEGATHERSHISELVES BUDDY:ANDTHEYQUICKLYDECIDE,THEY’LLRAISETHEBABYTHEMSELVES THENORTHPOLEISN’TMADEFORHUMANS,THOUGH ANDSOONTHEPHONYELFBEGINSTOGROWSOTALL (stuck)HE… GREENWAY:HE? DEB,CHADWICK,&MATTHEWS:HE? BUDDY:HE…? WALTER:LEARNSHE’SHUMANAFTERALL! BUDDY:Right! MICHAEL:Goodone,Dad! BUDDY&MICHAEL:IT’STHESTORYOFBUDDYTHEELF,IT’STHESTORYOFBUDDYTHEELF;IT’STHESTORYOF… BUDDY:IT’SKINDOFBRILLIANTIFISAYSOMYSELF! BUDDY,MICHAEL&WALTER:IT’STHESTORYOFBUDDYTHEELF! GREENWAY:Sothebabyfind’southe’sahuman.Thenwhat? BUDDY:Well,uh,hegoestoNewYork,and,uh… WALTER:PAGETHREE,HISFATHER’SATWORK,WHENBUDDYWALKSTHROUGHTHEDOOR HISDADISSORTOFAJERKANDBUDDY’SBANNEDFROMTHEFLOOR BUDDY:HISFATHER’SNOTPREPAREDTOBEADAD TOASONHENEVERKNEWHEHAD BUDDY&WALTER:BUTSOON,HE’LLBEFORCEDTOCHANGEHISTUNE WALTER:IT’STHESTORYOF BUDDY,MICHAEL,&WALTER:BUDDYTHEELF,IT’STHESTORYOFBUDDYTHEELF;IT’STHESTORYOF… IT’SKINDOFBRILLIANTIFHESAYSSOHIMSELF/ISAYSOMYSELF IT’STHESTORYOFBUDDYTHEELF BUDDY:ANDMAYBEBUDDYHELPSHISDADINASETTINGMUCHLIKETHIS WALTER:ANDMAYBEHISFATHERLEARNSASONISSOMETHINGHECAN’TDISMISS BUDDY&WALTER:THEYMIGHTLEARNTHEYNEEDEACHOTHERMUCHMORETHANTHEYKNOW WALTER:MAYBETHEPOINTOFTHESTORYIS,IT’SNEVERTOOLATETOGROW BUDDY:IT’SNEVERTOOLATETOGROW! ALL(BUTGREENWAY):IT’STHESTORYOFBUDDYTHEELF, IT’STHESTORYOFBUDDYTHEELF,IT’STHESTORYOF MATTHEWS&CHADWICK:ANDTHEBOOKSWILLFLYRIGHTOFFOFTHESHELF EMILY,MICHAEL&DEB:IT’STHESTORYOFBUDDYTHEELF GREENWAY:ILOVEIT,ILOVEIT,IDO! ILOVEIT,ILOVEIT,IDO! ILOVETHATSTORY,LOVETHATSTORY,LOVETHATSTORY EVERYONEELSE:HELOVESTHATSTORY,LOVESTHATSTORY,LOVESTHATSTORY ALL:HELOVESTHATSTORY,LOVESTHATSTORY,LOVESTHATSTORY IT’STHESTORYOFBUDDYTHEELF,

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IT’STHESTORYOFBUDDYTHEELF,IT’STHESTORYOF ANDTHEBOOKSWILLFLYRIGHTOFFOFTHESHELF IT’STHESTORYOFBUDDYANDTHEPOINTOFTHESTORYISMAYBETHATIT’SNEVERTOOLATETOGROW ANDTHEBOOKSWILLFLYRIGHTOFF,OFTHESHELF,IT’STHESTORYOFBUDDYTHEELF GREENWAY:ILOVEITILOVEIT,IDO,ILOVEIT,ILOVEITIDO ALL:ILOVETHATSTORY,LOVETHATSTORY,LOVETHATSTORY(IT’STHESTORYOFBUDDYTHEELF) THAT’STHESTORYOFBUDDYTHEELF! #12a-TheStoryofBuddy–Playoff ALL:IT’STHESTORYOFBUDDYTHEELF,IT’STHESTORYOFBUDDYTHEELF,IT’STHESTORYOFANDTHEBOOKSWILLFLYRIGHTOFFOFTHESHELF, THAT’STHESTORYOFBUDDYTHEELF! (Playoffends,GREENWAYgetsupandshakesWALTER’shand) GREENWAY:Iloveit!It’sperfect! (TheSTAFFallreacthappily,adlib) WALTER:Thanks,Mr.Greenway.Thanksalot. GREENWAY:Justonelittlething.Insteadofanelf,let’smakeitahorse. WALTER:Excuseme? GREENWAY:Iwanttomakeitahorseinsteadofanelf. CHADWICK:Youmeanahorse,like…neeee(hestartstomakeahorsesound) MATTHEWS:Withasaddleandatail…? GREENWAY:Yeah.Ahorse. WALTER:Interesting….Why? GREENWAY:Marketresearch.Horsesscorereallybigwithgweens. EMILY:Gweens? GREENWAY:Girltweens. WALTER:So,youwantourChristmasstorytobeaboutahorsewhogrowsupattheNorthPole… GREENWAY:Yeah.Obviously,it’sgoingtotakealittletweaking… MATTHEWS:(toCHADWICK)Genius! CHADWICK:(toMATTHEWS)It’soutsidethebox. MATTHEWS:Thereisnobox! MICHAEL:That’sthestupidestthingI’veeverheard! WALTER:Michael…. MICHAEL:You’reanidiot. GREENWAY:That’sit.Hobbs,what’supwiththesesonsofyours? WALTER:Mr.Greenway- MICHAEL:Oh,comeon.BuddytheChristmashorse? BUDDY:Sir,Iamnotahorse. GREENWAY:I’vehadenoughofthis.Idon’tneedtobelecturedbykidsonhowtosellkid’sbookstokids! (toMICHAELandBUDDY)Youtwo,takeyoursmart-aleckremarksandgetoutofhere! MICHAEL:Sorry. BUDDY:Sorry.

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WALTER:(toGREENWAY)Mr.Greenway,Michael,andBuddyaremysons.I’dpreferthatyoudidn’tinsultthem. GREENWAY:AndI’dpreferthatyoukeepyourwifeandyourwholeweirdofamilyoutoftheofficeanddoyourjob!Nowyougotagoodideahere,Hobbs.Withwork,itcouldbeamillion-seller,sothisiswhatwe’regoingtodo:I’mgoingtocancelmyflight;we’regoingtoworkallnightandalldaytomorrowuntilwe- WALTER:(interruptinghim)Tomorrow?Tomorrow’sChristmas. GREENWAY:Yougotaproblemwiththat? WALTER:Yes.Mr.Greenway?Iquit. GREENWAY:What? WALTER:Iquit. GREENWAY:Letmegetthisstraight.YouwanttospendChristmasontheunemploymentline? WALTER:No,IwanttospendChristmaswithmyfamily,butI’dbehappytospenditanywhere,aslongasit’snotwithyou. (WALTERgivesMICHAELandBUDDYahighfive.) MICHAEL:Allright,Dad! BUDDY:Yes,Dad! GREENWAY:(packinguphisthingsandstormingout)You’reweak,Hobbs!Ihaven’tspentChristmaswithmyfamilyin30years!That’swhyI’mthepresidentofthiscompanyandyou’renobody! BUDDY:Mr.Greenway? GREENWAY:What? BUDDY:MerryChristmas! (GREENWAYexits) WALTER:Iquit.Iactuallyquitmyjob. EMILY:I’veneverbeensoproudofyou,Walter. MICHAEL:Buddy!Wesawhim!WesawSantaClaus! BUDDY:Youdid? EMILY:Hewasflyingaroundinhissleigh,withtheredsuitandthebigsackoftoys!Thewholebit!AndthenhelandedinCentralPark!Walter,itwasthemostincredible- BUDDY:Helanded? MICHAEL:Yeah.Rightbytheboathouse. BUDDY:Whywouldhedothat?Unless…thesleighcouldn’tflyanymore!Oh,Santawasafraidthiswouldhappen!Wehavetogohelphim!Comeon! #12b-WeHavetoHelpSanta! (BUDDYandMICHAELrushoff.WALTERrushesafterthem.) WALTER:Buddy!Michael!Waitforyourdad! (EMILYhesitates,touchedbyWALTER’stransformation,andthenhurriesafterthem.) ACTTWO:SCENE5 (ThewoodsneartheBoathouse.SANTACLAUSstandsglumlybesidehissleigh.) #13-NobodyCares…(Santa’sReprise)

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SANTA:USEDTOBE,ICOULDDEPENDONTHECHILDREN THEY’DBELIEVE,ANDI’DBESKYWARDBOUND. NOWITSEEMS,THERE’SNOTENOUGHBELIEFAROUND TOGETMEANDMYSLEIGHUPOFFTHEGROUND IGAVEITATRY,BUTHOWCANIFLY? WHENNOBODYCARESABOUT… BUDDY:(rushingon)Santa! SANTA:Buddy,amIevergladtoseeyou!Thedarnsleighwon’tfly. BUDDY:Iknow! SANTA:Inthiswholecity,there’snotenoughChristmasspirit. BUDDY:Tellmeaboutit! SANTA:Eightmillionpeoplewhodon’tbelieveinme.Aguycan’thelpbuttakethatpersonally. BUDDY:Ibelieveinyou!Andmylittlebrother- SANTA:It’sthesamethingeveryyear:IgetaboostoverVermont,butassoonasIhittheTri-Statearea,it’slightsout.LikeI’menteringablackhole.(looksatthesleigh)ButI’venevercrashedbefore. BUDDY:SantaIhavesomuchtotellyou- (WALTER,MICHAEL,andEMILYappear) WALTER:Buddy,youshouldn’thaverunoff- (Theystopandstareinstunnedsilence.) BUDDY:Dad,Mom,Michael?I’dlikeyoutomeetmyreally,reallygoodfriend,SantaClaus. WALTER:Woah…. EMILY:(ToWALTER)That’stheguy!That’stheguywesawinthesleigh!Flying!Rightpastourwindow!That’shim!Rightthere! MICHAEL:SantaClaus! SANTA:(BendingdowntogreetMICHAEL)Hello,Michael.Igotyourletter. MICHAEL:Youdid?! SANTA:Sure.(RetrievinghisiPad)It’sonmyiPad.IusedtoschleparoundthishugebookofChristmasWishes.Notanymore. (stabbingattheiPad)Let’ssee…No,that’s“FruitNinja”.Okay,hereweare.LetterstoSanta…MichaelHobbs:“AllIwantforChristmasisadaywithmydad.”Arealtear-jerker. MICHAEL:Oh,man!Ican’twaittotelltheguysatschoolaboutthis!They’llfreak! EMILY:(Grabbinghishand,flustered)Mr.Claus?Ihavetotellyou,I’mahuge,hugefan.AtleastIwas.AndnowIamagain!IlovedyouinMiracleon34thStreet. BUDDY:And…thisismydad. (SANTAturnstoWALTER) SANTA:So,Walter.CanItakeyouoffthenaughtylist,ornot?(Everyonestaresathim.) WALTER:Youknowwhat?It’sbeenacrazyweek.IfoundoutIhaveason,whowasraisedbyelves;Itoldmyboss,Iquitmyjob…I’malittledisorientedrightnow. BUDDY:Comeon,Dad!Santa’sstandingrightinfrontofyou! WALTER:I’mjustsaying….Itdoesn’tmatterifIcan’twrapmyheadaroundallofthis.Theimportantthingis;Buddy,ifyoubelieveinSantaClaus,thenIbelieveinSantaClaus. SANTA:That’sgoodenoughforme.You’reoffthenaughtylist. #13a-ThankYou,Santa BUDDY:(Withgreatenthusiasm)YES!

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(Thesleighslightlyrisesandthensettlesbackontheground.) MICHAEL:Look!Lookatthesleigh! SANTA:It’snotenough.Surecoulduseafewmagicreindeeraboutnow.Thankyou,PETA!Well,that’sit. BUDDY:Whatdoyoumean? SANTA:Imeanit’sover.NomoreChristmas.Iguessit’stimeIconsideredanotherlineofbusiness.MyBrother-in-lawownsaChipotleinBoca. BUDDY:Santa! SANTA:I’mnottalkingaboutworkingthere,I’mtalkingaboutafranchise.Well,don’tlookatmelikethat.IfnobodybelievesinSantaanymore,whatcanIdo?Oh,itbreaksmyhearttodisappointallthosekids. BUDDY:I’mnotgonnagiveup.IknowIcangetyoualltheChristmasspirityouneed.I’vejustgottofindenoughpeopletotalkto…(grabbingSANTA’siPad)Ihavetoborrowthis! SANTA:What?!Wait!Ihaven’tbackeditupyet! (BUDDY,MICHAEL,EMILYandWALTERhurryoff.ThelightsgoslowlydownonSANTA.) ACTTWO:SCENE6 (CentralParkWest,justoutsideCentralParkafewminuteslater.ANewYork1remotenewstelecastisontheairlive.Microphoneinhand,CHARLOTTEDENNONstandsinthemidstofalargecrowdofonlookers.MICHAELrunson,followedbyBUDDY,EMILY,andWALTER.) CHARLOTTE:CharlotteDennon,NewYork1,continuingourlivecoveragefromCentralPark.NoevidencehasyetbeenfoundoftheUFOthatapparentlycrashedintheParkearlierthisevening.Butcouldtherebeanotherexplanation?PerhapswhatyoumillionsofNewYorkOneviewerssawwasSantaClausmakinghisroundsintheskiesaboveManhattan,deliveringtoystoallgoodlittleboysandgirls- BUDDY:(grabbingthemicrophoneandlookingintothecamera)That’sexactlywhatpeoplesaw,onlythesleighcrashedbecausethereisn’tenoughChristmasspirit. CHARLOTTE:ItseemsthatoneofSanta’sElveshasjoinedus. BUDDY:Iknow,IknoweverybodyinNewYorkthinksI’mcrazy.ButI’vecomeheretotellyouthatSantaisreal. CHARLOTTE:Well,I’mafraidthat’sallthetimewehavefor… BUDDY:Look!IhaveSanta’siPadrighthere!You,sir,what’syourname?(pointingtoamaninthecrowd) DAVIDLAMBERT:DavidLambert….Why? BUDDY:(typingintotheiPad)DavidLambert.OnChristmas1989,SantabroughtyouaredSchwinnbicyclewithabell-shapedlikeMissPiggy. DAVIDLAMBERT:What?Howdidyouknowthat? BUDDY:Andyouare,ma’am? EMMAVONBROCKLIN:EmmaVonBrocklin. BUDDY:Christmas1992.ARugratsLunchbox. EMMAVONBROCKLIN:IlovedRugrats! CHARLOTTE:Whatisthis,somekindofatrick? BUDDY:What’syourname? CHARLOTTE:CharlotteDennon.NewYork1. BUDDY:CharlotteDennon,NewYork1.Yeah,right,hereyouare.ThisyearyouwantaTiffanyengagementringandyourboyfriendDwaynetostopdragginghisfeetandpopthequestion.

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CHARLOTTE:Whotoldyoutosaythat?Mymother? BUDDY:No,it’srighthere! CHARLOTTE:(losinghercool)Okay.That’sit.Idon’tknowhowyou’redoingthis,butI’mnotanidiot.EverybodyknowsthatthereisnoSantaClaus.(realizingwhatshehasjustsaid.)Ohmygosh!IruinedChristmas. BUDDY:Youdidn’truinChristmas.Noonecan!(turningtothecrowd)Oh,Icouldstandhereallnightreadingnamesoutofthisthingandyoustillwouldn’tbelieveinhim,wouldyou?Well,itdoesn’tmatter,becauseChristmasisalotmorethanjustSantaClaus.Christmasis…is…sleepingonafuton.Havingcoldspaghettiforbreakfastwithyourlittlebrother.Right?It’sgoingiceskatingwithyourgirlfriendandkissingherfortheveryfirsttimeunderabig,glitteryChristmastree.It’stravelingmilesandmilestobewithyourfamily,walkingthroughtheLincolntunnelwithcarsblowingtheirhornsthewholetimeandtruckdriversyellingthingsthatnopersonshouldsaytoanotherhumanbeing,letalonetoanelf.It’shopingthatwhenyouwakeuponChristmasmorning,allthecars,andallthebiggrayofficebuildings,andallthepilesofgarbagewillbecoveredinsnow. #13b-SnowMusic(lightsnowbeginstofall) BUDDY:Yousee?Youcan’truinChristmas!It’sallaroundyou.Youjustgottagetintothespiritofit.AndthebestwaytospreadChristmascheerissingingloudforalltohear!Everybody!Sing!Sing!....Anybody?(Silence) #14-“AChristmasSongReprise” JOVIE:JUSTSINGACHRISTMASSONG,IT’SLIKEMAGICIFTHINGSGOWRONG, JUSTSPREADSOMECHRISTMASCHEERBY SINGINGLOUDFORALLTOHEAR. Comeonpeople!Getintoit! BUDDY:Jovie?You’rehere!Ithoughtyouweremadatme. JOVIE:Iwas,butthenyoumadeitsnow. BUDDY&JOVIE:JUSTSINGACHRISTMASSONG,ANDKEEPONSINGINGALLSEASONLONG THINKOFTHEJOYYOU’LLBRINGIFYOUJUSTCLOSEYOUREYESANDSING. (Now,graduallyaslightscomeupallaroundthestage,weseeSANTAsittinginhissleigh.Onebyone,ALLjoininthesong.) JOVIE,BUDDY,&EMILY:JUSTSINGACHRISTMASSONG,IT’SLIKEMAGICIFTHINGSGOWRONG JUSTSPREADSOMECHRISTMASCHEERBYSINGINGLOUDFORALLTOHEAR WALTER:JUSTSINGACHRISTMASSONG,ANDKEEPONSINGINGALLSEASONLONG JOVIE,BUDDY,WALTER,EMILY&MICHAEL:THINKOFTHEJOYYOU’LLBRINGIFYOUJUSTCLOSEYOUREYESANDSING. HALFOFTHEENSEMBLE:ANDIFYOU’RESHORTONCHEER,THINKABOUTTHATYEAR, YOUWOKEUPTOFINDABRANDNEWSNOWHADFALLEN ENSEMBLE:THEORNAMENTSYOUMADE,WAYBACKINSECONDGRADE MICHAEL&WALTER:UNTANGLINGTHECHRISTMASLIGHTS,TOOKYOURFATHERSEVERALNIGHTS JOVIE&EMILY:YOURMOTHERCLAIMEDTHATSHEHADPROOF,THEREWEREREINDEERONTHEROOF WALTER,EMILY,&MICHAEL:REMEMBERWHOYOUWEREBACKTHEN,

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LETTHOSEMOMENTSLIVEAGAIN JOVIE&BUDDY:LETTHOSEMOMENTSLIVEAGAIN ALL:JUSTSINGACHRISTMASSONG/OOOOOOO IT’SLIKEMAGICIFTHINGSGOWRONG JUSTSPREADSOMECHRISTMASCHEERBYSINGINGLOUDFORALLTOHEAR. (SANTAandhissleighslowlybegintoriseinthemidstofthefallingsnow.) ALL:JUSTSINGACHRISTMASSONGANDKEEPONSINGINGALLSEASONLONG SANTA:Youdidit,Buddy!YousavedChristmas!Hey!YouwannaridebacktotheNorthPole? BUDDY:No,thanksSanta.I’mhappyrighthere. (Ultimately,SANTAdisappearsandfliesawayasallcontinuetosing.) ALL:THINKOFTHEJOYYOU’LLBRINGIFYOUJUSTCLOSEYOUREYES, IFYOUJUSTCLOSEYOUREYES,IFYOUJUSTCLOSEYOUREYES… (WeseeSANTAandhissleighprojectedaboveandthenvanishintothenightasSANTAcallsout.) SANTA:MerryChristmastoall,andtoallagoodnight! ALL:ANDSING!! EPILOGUE SANTA:(reading)“MerryChristmastoall,andtoallagoodnight”Iproclaimed,asIcontinuedonmyrounds.(lookingupfromthebook)Funnystory;inalltheexcitementIforgottheNewZealandthatyear.Itcompletelyslippedmymind!Ipoppedbyonthe26thandmadegood.Anyway…Itwasn’tlongafterthatWalterstartedhisownpublishingcompany,HobbsandSons,andBuddy’sstorywentontobecomethebestsellingchildren’sbookintheworld!Theyevenmadeamovieoutofit,andeventuallyamusicaltoo!Anditprobablywon'tcomeasasurprisetoyouthattheyalllivedhappilyeverafter.(closingthebook)Andthat’sit.That’stheendofourstory.(doorbellrings) MRS.CLAUS:They’rehere!!Getup! SANTA:Well,it’snotquitetheend.Thereisonelast,littlechapter… (MRS.CLAUSopensthedoor.BUDDYandJOVIEaredressedaselvesandJOVIEarepushingababycarriage.WALTERfollows.CHARLIEandtheotherELVESfromtheworkshoparerightbehindthem,carryingbowlsoffood,presents,eggnog,etc.It’sachaoticscene) BUDDY:MerryChristmas,Santa! SANTA:MerryChristmas,kids! BUDDY:MerryChristmaseverybody! #15-Finale BUDDY:I’MSINGING! I’MATTHENORTHPOLEANDI’MSINGING! I’VEGOTAWIFEANDI’MSINGING! ANDNOWWE’VEGOTAKIDANDSOI’MSIIIIINGGGINNNGGG!!! WALTER:Shhh!Buddy!You’llwakethebaby! JOVIE:It’sokay,PapaHobbs.ThebabylovesBuddy’ssinging! BUDDY:ALLIHAVETODOISSINGTOSTOPASTRINGOFSLEEPYSOBS BUDDY&JOVIE:CAUSENOBODYLIKESACHRISTMASSONGLIKELITTLEBUDDYHOBBS! BUDDY,JOVIE,&WALTER:ANDTHAT’SWHYHISMIDDLENAMEJUSTHAPPENSTOBE ALL:SPARKLEJOLLYTWINKLEJINGLEY! (EMILY&MICHAELenterinseasonalcostumes)

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EMILY&MICHAEL:NOWWESPENDEACHCHRISTMASHEREDRESSEDUPINNORTHPOLEFESTIVEWEAR BUDDY:ANDMYSONHASJOVIE’SEYES JOVIE:ANDBUDDY’SREDDISHBLONDISHHAIR! WALTER:BUTYOU’LLFINDTHATBUDDYJUNIORTAKESAFTERME, I’MSPARKLEJOLLYTWINKLEJINGLEY! EMILY:Noyou’renot! WALTER:Yes,Iam! EMILY:No,you’renot. WALTER:Yes,Iam! EMILY:No,you’renot. ALL:YESHEIS SANTA:ANDWHENTHEBABY’SGROWNHE’LLRIDEONMYSLEIGH SANTA&BUDDY:ANDHELPDELIVERGIFTSGALORE WALTER:WE’LLTEACHHIMCHRISTMASNEVERGETSINTHEWAY (knockatthedoor) BUDDY:GUESSWHO’SATTHEFRONTDOOR! (Therestofthecast,includingDEB,andtheSTOREMANAGERdancetheirwayontothestage.Bigfinaleanddancebreak.) ALL:EVERYTHINGSEEMSBETTERWITHOURFRIENDSANDFAMILYINTERTWINED ANDWEKNOWAHAPPYENDINGISN’TVERYFARBEHIND ONCEWETURNTHEWORLDINTOONEBIGFAMILY,WE’LLBE… SOLO1:SPARK SOLO2:JOLLY SOLO3:TWINKLE SOLO4:JINGLE SOLO5:SHINY SOLO6:SHOWY SOLO7:CHEERY SOLO8:KRINGLE SOLO9:RAZZLE SOLO10:DAZZLE SOLO11:RING-A-LINGLE MANAGER:ICAN’TLIE,ITMAKESMETINGLE! ALL:SPARKLEJOLLYTWINKLEJINGLEY! #16-Bows

THEEND #17-ExitMusic